The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Shelfie

Episode Date: November 23, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week on the show Frank share's his excitement about the Dr Who 50th anniversary with Alun and Em. They also discuss the word of the year, towelling clothing Frank's telethon experience.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yeah, those fellas. You can text us on 81215, that's 81215, or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us at the Absolute Radio website. www... That's awful.

For example, the text we've just received, do you give people's Christmas recipes? Mm-hm. Do you give people's Christmas recipes? No. People's Christmas recipes? No. People's Christmas recipes, do I give those? Yeah. Or do I give people Christmas recipes?

But someone's just sent in a recipe suggestion for cookies, and the first thing is gluten, so that's me out. I think maybe they've got the wrong, not just the wrong show, the wrong channel. I think they may be on the wrong, not just the wrong show, the wrong channel. I wonder where. I think they may be on the wrong channel, if you know what I mean. Yeah. No, but thanks for that. You know, I'm not saying I won't make them.

I'm not saying that for a second. But I'm not sharing. Oh, no. I'm a bit tired this morning. Why, I see. Because while I was out on the town... Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

I was out on the town with my posse. Yes, you were. I had a lovely moment last night. I did a stand-up gig in Soho, in the heart of London. And at the end of it, my three colleagues, Daisy and the Cockerel, and Emily, came in. Yeah. And I didn't know they were in the thing, and it was lovely, and I felt love in the room.

I was convinced you knew we were there. I haven't felt love in the room after a gig for many years now. I was very impressed. You blew me away. Well, like I say, I haven't done for many years. Let's not go into the praise areas. No, I the praise areas i know it was lovely for you to come i won't praise you but can i just say i was a bit disappointed not at the standard of the comedy which was top notch but at the fact that i didn't get more of a showing i thought maybe a light would be shone on me that would have been i thought

you'd at least mention my name. I would have done, like when I saw Shirley Bassey at Wembley. And she said, ladies and gentlemen, Danny LaRue is in the audience tonight. And he stood up. And I said to my friend, I call him Danny LaRue the Chocolat. And he said, you know, times are changing. And I learnt a lot that night.

Yeah, but a man recognised me, Frank. I was in my seat and he said excuse me do you mind if um he needs to get past he said do you mind if i try and get past i said yeah do you mind if i just cry for 10 minutes first that's what i said did you yeah yeah you know what i'm like okay then he went to go past and he said um great show emily oh i loved it oh he was handsome as well so if you're listening call me yes let's not use this as a lonely heart well you say that but someone is using it as lonely heart okay dear frank i attended your 16th november gig at the soho theater and would like to leave my details

in the possibility that the girl who sat next to me listens to the show. And would like them. She had long dark hair and I wore black rimmed glasses. We made brief small talk, but I'm too shy to respond. Is this a good plan? But life is too short to care. This is like those romantic columns in magazines, isn't it? Like one scene on the tube. This is nice.

It's sweet. And then he says, Frank said, which is advice you give in this show, which is expletive laden. So we're just going to say, Frank said to throw caution to the wind. Yes. Oh,

that's, what if they got together and we had our first blind date wedding? So to speak, I could get a hat. Yeah. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

That'd be so. Dear stalker, I see you in. Dear stalker, that's how I start my letters. Yeah. Do you really? Yeah, that's interesting interesting you know why that's interesting why frank i'm sure you're going to tell us oh i couldn't find it for a second terrible mommy i sat with my finger outreached like et

and then i saw it i've applied that for many a day what are we going to do about these Dalek napkins yeah we should come back to the Dalek napkins you've got to keep them clean somehow now we've had a text in I think you're going to like it Frank okay this is from 603 dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel Now we've had a text in. I think you're going to like it, Frank. OK. This is from 603.

Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, if the three of you had a choice between the ability to regenerate... I think we know where we're going here. Are we going to meet the eight that we're going to regenerate? Or the ability to time travel, which would you choose? That's Ian in Leamington Spa. Slash 603. OK. What are you choose? That's Ian in Leamington Spa slash 603. Okay. What are you thinking? You see, the thing is with regeneration...

Is you save on surgery? Yeah, that's true. That's totally what I think. But do you just get the 12 regenerations, which is the one that... I don't know how much it is, I don't know whether the clinic... That can last you a long time. I... I mean, without regenerations,

there wouldn't be a 50th anniversary, obviously, because you couldn't have had one person playing Doctor Who. But you could argue with time travel there might not be a 50th anniversary, right? You could argue that, but you know what? I'm not going to... Do you remember in Neighbours, there was, I think they pioneered regeneration on the other side of the planet.

Do you remember Lucy? Oh, yeah. Lucy, Lucy Robinson was like a little frail girl. And then one day she went out to get the newspaper. And when she came back in, she was quite this big teenager. Yeah. And then she went, I think it was summer school. When she came back, she was Melissa Bell. That's what she She was like Bill Beaumont. And then she went, I think it was summer school, when she came back she was Melissa Bell, it

was quite, that's what she was called, like a hot bird. So they were... They were a generation. They just didn't make a big thing out of a generation in Neighbours. You know, it's the sort of thing that you went off and did privately. You just did it. Miss Ellie was a bit like that in Dallas as well, she regenerated a few times. The thing is that there was never a programme called The Three Lucys in which the

three of them met together in some sort of time warp and fought Time Lord Omega to try and get rid of this black hole. We should say, some people may not know, Frank, that it is a special day. Yes, it is the 50th anniversary. People must know that. 50th anniversary

of Doctor Who. I didn't realise that he was so likely to be a reincarnation of JFK. I really didn't know. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's literally like the day after, isn't it? It's a good point. Yeah. Has anybody done any essays on this?

Has there been studies? Not this morning. I haven't had time. I've had a lot on. Yeah. I am. Are they all going to be there, then? All the ones that are still with us? All the doctors. Are they all going to be there, then? All the ones that are still with us?

All the doctors? Are they all going to be in it? Yeah. Well, there's a lot of debate about that. Oh, is there? I'm in spoilers. Every time I talk about Doctor Who, Frank looks slightly disgusted because I display my lack of knowledge.

No, but yeah, there's all sorts of rumours about who's going to be in it and who isn't. It's absolutely hush-hush. And, you know, it's a spoilers fest. Is it? So I'm not even going to speculate, I don't think. But I can't tell you how excited. And I'll probably tell you something I perhaps shouldn't tell you, but I'm going to see it.

Are you going to see it? I'm going to see it. I know this is the most unprofessional thing I've ever done, but I'm seeing it tonight. Oh, I don't know. I'm going to see it at the BFI, which is a cinema on the South Bank and the programme

ends at five past nine and I'm on stage at quarter past on the other side of town. Oh that's awful. But there is a long tradition of running in Doctor Who. That's one of the themes. So I think I should just sprint across town.

Are you going to be one of those 1980s guys in your suit, but with running shoes and just have your posh shoes at the theatre? Well, I could do the 10th Doctor thing. I could put some casual plimsolls on and wear the suit and tie. The thing is, I'll almost certainly be in tears as well. Because I know it's going to be a really emotional thing. I was going to say, I thought your gig was great. But if I'm seen racing

across town in the middle of the night in tears, I mean, people assume that the police have finally arrived. And I'm making a break for it. Oh dear. But I'm making a break for it. Oh, dear. But I'm beyond excited. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where were we? These fish fingers are cold. Can I just say that? We need to explain what this is, Frank.

I'm eating... We are eating, when the others start, we're eating, uh, fish fingers dipped in custard as a celebration of the Doctor Who anniversary. This was the 11th Doctor, Matt Smith, when he, um, when he first regenerated. This was the first food he found that he enjoyed. This is the most upset I've ever been at having to eat food stuff.

Sandy was looking envious next to her. Maybe we can chew it and find some extras. You know, it's great. I've never tried it before. Have you had it, Al? Yeah. It's lovely. You know what it tastes like? What?

Fish fingers and custard. That's what it tastes like. It does, says Al. Those two things together. fish fingers and custard that's what it tastes like it does taste like that but it does make you think that if the sea had a more custard like nature that you could just eat stuff on the beach you could just eat the fish straight out of it

why does he eat it in Doctor Who because he's trying to he's hungry but he can't find anything he likes so you know eventually if you keep doing it this is probably not great radio but it doesn't seem to bother any of the stations some some might say it wasn't great tv either who would say that i might put my hands on a dalek napkin okay what are we talking about time travel

yeah time travel so where would you go if i could time travel i think we all know where i'd go where would you go to the britain obviously i would change the entire course of history as well there'd be no dissolution philip schofield ever to the britain as well. There'd be no dissolution... Do you think Philip Schofield ever chewed a Britain? Frank! But there... You know, I could change history for the good, Frank. You'd like it. Well, you've got to be careful. There'd be no dissolution of the monasteries. Yeah, I don't...

I don't think you're allowed to change it like that. That's one of the problems. You're not allowed to change. You can't go back and stop the Reformation. If I can't change things, in the words of Deborah Meaden, I'm out. I'm sorry. I obviously would head straight to Soviet Russia. Would you?

I such, you know, you know I love Soviet Russia. You're like Gerard Becker for you, aren't you? I know, it gets a lot of bad press, Soviet Russia. Yeah, funny that. The public PE lessons and the women with flowers. Yeah. So lovely. Like the public PE lessons.

I love that. Yeah. It's great. That's what we need in this country. More public PE. Don't we have that with people doing boot camps in parks? Isn't that the same thing? How often do you see that?

It's quite a bit. Does that happen outside of London? You live in Manchester. Do you see people up there doing stuff in the park, exercising? Well, I don't see them do it. I see it being advertised on, like, cork boards in shops and stuff. Oh, cork boards. Those things on trees as well, when you can make nearly £200 a week.

Mm-hm. See a bit of that. I can see the cork roll, Frank. Bit of a medieval tavern owner. Oh, yeah, I wouldn't mind a bit of that. Would you like some mead? I could see that. Some Deborah mead.

Yeah. I'm out. Chucking people out, forgetting all Falstaffad? I could do that. I could see that. Some Deborah mead. Yeah. I'm out. Chucking people out for getting all Falstaffian. I could do that, yeah. Can I make it clear I wouldn't actually go to the Kremlin when I was there. Never meet your heroes. What about the Wild West? Oh, I thought that'd be up your street. Yeah. You'd be up for that, wouldn't you?

See, that was a time when America was a country where a lot of people um carried firearms obviously that's that's all changed it's all changed i'd worry about you it's a great leveler sorry i'd worry about you in the wild west why i don't know you're a gentle soul you can't walk into a saloon and go albinia no when you work like that no but they weren't all sort of um hard-bitten gunslingers there must have been that there must have been like the bloke who introduced the dancing girls and stuff and did a few games oh yeah yeah you're gonna be

an impresario in the wild entertainer i could wear armbands you know those guys of course there is also periods of history i could go to where I could wear armbands, but I'm on about those ones that hold your sleeves up, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. That they always wear in the... Elasticated... You know what your cough's in the...

In the sarsaparilla. No. No, there's nothing worse than that. Yeah. One thing that I wouldn't want to do, though, which is the problem, which I think they avoid brilliantly in Doctor Who, but every other time travel thing that's ever happened, someone says something like, the next thing you'll be telling me that in the future people are going to fly around in giant silver birds. Respect to Doctor Who for not doing that. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We're discussing time travel. Yes. And eating fish fingers and custard, which hats off to you for eating them even while the song was playing and you weren't doing it for entertainment value. No, I was,

I think it's fine. Yeah, it's alright. But time travel is easy. I despise it. Time travel is easy. Do you? Did you actually try any? Yeah. Awful. Time travel is easy. Time travel is easy in one direction, says Professor Brian Cox.

So if you're in one direction... Yeah. And he would know, because he was in D-Ream, so he knows... I think I've heard that mentioned. Oh, yeah. Can I say that's a Gary Oldman sister? It is, yeah. That's the thing you have to say about Professor Brian Cox.

Yeah. Unless you're my mum. Also, Professor Brian Cox always has a smile. Even in the serious bits, there's a smile always. One of those people is kind of perpetual. Playing on his lips. People sometimes have a smile playing on them. Is he a Mancunian like yourself? I'm not a Mancunian,

but I believe he is. Oh, I do apologise. No offence caused. I don't know how to answer that question without contradicting you in some way. Sorry for causing offence at this time. I think he's from Bolton. Oh, do you? All right. OK.

I watched this programme. He gave a lecture on the science of Doctor Who and whether it was... Oh, yeah. God, it was extremely tedious. He says... It sounds it, but... He says all you need to do is find a wormhole and you're through. Well, he did a big drawing on the blackboard of why you can't.

And he wanted to go to a lecture that Michael Faraday did in 1860. I lost you, yeah. What, and you could be in Henry VIII's bedroom? Hello? Yeah, exactly. This is what he wanted to do, because he's a science person, you know. And so he did a lot of lines and drawings and talked very technically

on the board. And basically, what he established was he couldn't do that because it had already happened. Well, I don't need a blackboard. I'm sorry, Brian,

to work that way. I thought he was going to make... People keep telling me that he makes science very, you know, accessible. I couldn't make head and a tail of 99% of the stuff he was saying. Science, you know. I know it's cool and trendy,

and I know we have a lot of listeners who love science, but, oh, blimey. You like it with the fiction, don't you? Yeah, I like it with the access on the fiction. I remember the days when the geeks were bullied. Yeah? I'm not saying that was the halcyon days I look back to with great fondness. I'm just saying.

No, I don't want to go back to that. Those were terrible times. But, you know, let's not forget. It was hard, hard work. You know, and I love Doctor Who. And I was watching it and thinking, oh, shut up. I'll see him wipe a smile off your... No, no-one could.

I'm sure he's a brilliant bloke, don't get me wrong, and he's very popular and all that. I think there's enough disclaimers. Yeah. Or more. And I respect his learning, but he doesn't have the Johnny Ball common touch where he can bring in someone like myself who's non-scientific by nature.

If anyone can, call me. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So, I got the call this week. Obviously, terrible things have happened in the Philippines, but they had a telethon to raise money at BT Tower in London. Right. So, I thought I'll do that thing of, you know, I think that every celebrity now thinks I need to, you know, do my bit.

And also, I might get some positive publicity as well, as well as helping people. I think that's what every celebrity is. And a very good cause, may I say. But may I say, quite a 70s way of raising money, which I respect. A telephone, yeah. I was actually answering phones, sitting next to two people in badly designed charity T-shirts and answering the phone.

And they were very lovely and they were BT volunteers. And people ring up. I saw Adrian Charles this week and he said he'd done it, and he said, no-one wronged me. Well, what happens is you're given a script, so you begin by saying, hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and thank you for calling me, blah, blah, blah. But what happened quite a lot is I said, hello, I'm Frank Skinner,

and they just put the phone down. And it wasn't quite the ego boost I was dreaming of. That really happened. That happened maybe 40 times. And then, thank God, I spoke to the other people. There was all sorts of people doing it. Faye Ripley was there. Lovely.

Joe Wood. Do you know Joe Wood? Oh, Ronnie. Oh, thanks for the tip. There you go. Yeah, Ronnie's ex and Sarah Alexander Jamie Oliver

Amanda Holden Frank. And I swear I forgot someone was smoking. This would have been in the late 70s. I remember seeing as a child, I can remember it was like Marty Cain or Kenny Everett, those sort of people and there were the ashtrays and people were smoking throughout. That was, that was, there was, there was, just to go back very briefly to Doctor Who, there was a fantastic drama on this week about the early, the making of the first thing.

And, you know, you do forget that everybody smokes in TV studios and restaurants. We've forgotten already. It was brilliant. Horrible. Studios and restaurants. We've forgotten already. It was brilliant. Horrible.

So, yeah, so I went around and everyone was getting this put the phone down thing. And apparently what had happened, it was in the papers that One Direction were going to be answering the phone. So people were phoning up, young people, I assume, were phoning up to speak to them. And if it wasn't them, they put the phone down. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Don't tell me any different. Yeah, so it was... Nick Ross was there? Nick Ross was sitting next to me.

Oh, you didn't mention the incident. No, well, I remembered the incident. The incident, just to remind you quickly, when my parents split up, my father went to stay with Nick Ross. Yes, I didn't mention this. No, as everyone does, that's what happens when your parents split up,

you go and stay with Nick Ross. So we went round to have a look at the house, because it was still amicable in a very 70s way. We dropped him off. I remember now. And the exact moment at which Nick Ross burst, I said burst, it was his house. Yeah, exactly.

Walked into the house. To his own house. My mother was in his en suite bathroom saying saying and he was unattached at the time she said he's got a b-day he's counting his chickens oh dear nick ross burst in and i can't ever see nick ross in the same right well you didn't mention the incident no i didn't mean obviously i thought about it i mean i couldn't help picturing him on a B-day. No. But, no, he was very nice. And, in fact, we spoke about a bloke called Shaw Taylor. Oh, what, Police 5?

Yeah. Who, it was, in case you, if you're useful, there used to be a programme called Police 5, which was very short, and there was a man called Shaw Taylor, and he used to talk about crime. And at the end, he used to say, and remember, and he used to talk about crime. And at the end he used to say, and remember, and he used to take his index finger from one eye to the other

and then to his nose and go, keep them peeled. And I was always concerned that he'd included his nose in this. As if he was an avid sunbather or something. But it was funny because I always used to laugh at this. It was hilarious, because they sort of built up the programme to, in the end, he used to see him arrive, Shaw Taylor, in like a trench coat, like he was a private detective. And he used to take the coat off and hang it up.

And he had one of those, you know those boards that have like a sort of trellis work on where they put a card? He had one of those with his crimes he was investigating. Oh, yeah. But Nick Ross spoke of him like he was, you know, a pioneer of that kind. Because he was the forerunner of Nick Ross. Nick Ross worshipped his altar. It was lovely.

So we assure Taylor spoke of him. Is he still doing his crime programme? Nick Ross? Nick Ross is, I believe. Oh, is he? OK. I think he's still quite popular. OK. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I've got a text in

from Adam Frank. Shaw Taylor crashed into the back of my wife's car a few years ago on the Isle of Wight. He never kept and peeled that day. No, he didn't. Is that right? How brilliant that is. I can't verify if it's right. I don't know. It's just a text.

We're going to get sued by Shaw Taylor. Imagine that. Actually, you know what? I do want to get sued by Shaw Taylor. I think it'd be worth it. It'd be worth the court appearance and the cost. It would be the most brilliantly 70s court case. I would love it.

Fabulous to see. I just want to see what he looks like now and I'm prepared to go to court to find out. Short. I mean, who's called Short? Yes, no one. I think that might be... I know a few people with it as a surname, but that's...

Yes, I've heard of it before as a surname. That doesn't count. He said, who's called Short? Just answer it. I'm quite lit And it doesn't count. He said, who's called Shaw? I was just answering. I'm quite literal. I think Taylor Swift's parents saw that and thought, oh, how weird to have a surname as a first name. And then thought, well, there's two completely.

What about if we take his surname and give it our daughter as her first name? Taylor Swift was named after Shaw Taylor. But named after him in malice. It was named after him to wind him up. If you're going to have a surname for a first name, well, then we'll... So, um... Shaw you. We'll Shaw you.

We'll Shaw you. Oh, lovely work, boys. So I had to... There was a lot of press there, as you can imagine, at the telethon. Birmingham Echo. I had to have... I had to have I had to have Adrian and Frank on the front page the worst thing was there was a lot of um a lot of actors you know there oh the worst thing was there was a lot of actors in my autobiography title

I don't mean there was anything though you know they were all lovely but um biography title. I don't mean there was anything, you know, they were all lovely, but I don't like seeing a sort of former soap opera actor sitting staring at the telephone. Don't come into my

bedroom then. It's more depressing. You could tell it's someone who'd bored a couple of holes in the telephone over the years from staring at it. Anyway, we had to have our photos taken for things. And the regular thing was to have your photo took on the phone. Oh, really?

Ignoring the fact that everybody had hung up on everyone. Yeah. So it was like, you know, I think I never spoke of this, but football managers always used to have their publicity shot with them on the phone. To say, yes, I am, you know, I'm a sporting person, but I also deal with admin and other important business. So there was lots of those photos. And on the landline as well, Frank. And Amanda Holden did one where she's on the phone but really laughing, you know, to look natural.

And I thought, I don't know if this quite works with the nature of the job. Because they brought Pick and Mix round as well. Oh, are they still working? What, the double acts? Hello, I'm Pick. And there was a bit where they were taking publicity. I mean, bear in mind, you know, obviously it's a majorly serious cause and I'm in the background eating And there was a bit where they were taking publicity. I mean, bear in mind, you know, obviously,

it's a majorly serious cause. And I'm in the background eating. And a banana. You know those pick and mix bananas? Oh, yeah, the bananas, yeah. The biggest of the pick and mix. Yeah. And the only way to eat one of those, in my experience, is to put it in and then put a finger on the other end

and press it through like a log going through a sawmill. Yeah. Press it through what? Push it through your teeth so you nibble it as it goes in a like a log going through a sawmill yeah press it through what push it through your teeth so you nibble it as it goes munch through it so you just keep pushing it i don't have those gaps it sounds disgusting you don't need the gap you just keep eating okay so it was i mean you know it's great it's a great atmosphere of um you know all pulling together but there was a lot of pick and mix. Was there?

Too much. I wonder if that money couldn't have been... More wisely spent. Yeah. But then, like, for example, the Coke bottles, I can take them or leave them. Oh, I like those. Put the milk bottles. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 812.15.

I don't feel we've let you in today. We've been just talking. Anyway, text us. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website through the email address. I'm calling it that. Which I believe we were going to go the email address. I'm calling it that. Which I believe we were going to go to email corner.

Let's do it. Yeah. Email corner. What the earth are you doing? I was using a banana to offer a percussive backbeat to that particular jingle. Sometimes I think they need a bit of a disco version, if you receive my meaning.

Anyway. Nice, I liked it. Was gibt? Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, last week I heard Frank's observation regarding chestnuts' resemblance to brains. Yes. Yeah. It looks like a human brain.

Probably a lot of other brains as well. And it reminded me that my husband told our daughter that there were mouse brains when he put them in a beef casserole. Fusion cooking. Lovely. Well, they're very poor. Chestnuts are not that cheap. Unless they're horse chestnuts.

Sorry, it's the question I should be asking. She still refers to them as such. Can I stop you? Can I just... There's a thought nagging at me now. I say the human brain. Do all brains look the same? Does a pig's brain look like a human brain?

Does a mouse brain look smaller? Oh, yeah, I would have thought so, really. I thought you meant all humans' brains. I don't know if I would have thought so. It's the way science works. You should have gone to my school. Perhaps you should get Brian Cox in to discuss this. That'd be good.

So Brian, could time travel happen? I would have thought so. Okay, next. So anyway, he's told... He told his daughter that there were mouse brains when he put them in a beef casserole. She still refers to them as such now, even though she's 18 and at university. Perhaps not a good one. She's doing surgery.

She's doing surgery. I like that that's her degree, surgery. You do have a degree in surgery. Yeah, I don't want to do the sort of general medical thing. I want to go straight in. Great surgery. I just want to start clean with surgery. God, we were doing... I want to go straight in. Great surgery. I just want to start clean with surgery.

God, we were doing... I removed an arm week three. I mean, they rush us along nowadays. You'd be Dr Christian Bernard by the end of term. Yeah, we had some student volunteers come in to have limbs removed and then put back on. She had...

He also told her that twiglets were baby giraffes' legs. Tasty, he also told her that twiglets were baby giraffe's legs. Oh, God. Tasty, actually. Snappy. What sort of gullible fool was she? How small?

Oh, she was a child. How small does she think a baby giraffe is, though? Yeah. Yeah. But, let me just finish this email because I have to...

No, but they've got, like, the knee joint in the middle, haven't they? Yeah. That is a nice bit of detail, isn't it? Yeah, it is.

And the sun damage. Yeah, if you wanted to make... It's got sun damage in the middle, haven't they? That is a nice bit of detail, isn't it? Yeah, it is. And the sun damage. Yeah, if you wanted to make... It's got sun damage twiglets, hasn't it? If you wanted to make a small model of Alexa Chong... Mm-hm. That would be perfect. Yeah. OK, carry on.

Many people lie to their children to try to encourage them to eat their food, but he seemed to say things to put her off. Love the show, Avid Reader 021. Now, I have a similar lie that i was told by my uncle alan when i was a kid and he told me that dry roasted peanuts you know that sort of powdery outer coating oh yeah he told me that that was created by them allowing maggots to nibble at nuts at normal. They became dry roasted by having maggots sort of go... burrow in.

I see. And then presumably they were brushed off, the said nuts, and bagged up. And did that put you off then? It didn't put me off, but I did... Even as a child I remember thinking, that seems logistically a long way about going around this food stuff. It's good, though, that it didn't put you off. I'm sure that was the intention, wasn't it?

I think it might have been, yeah. And the cockerel said, oh, really, that's fascinating't put you off. I'm sure that was the intention, wasn't it? I think it might have been, yeah. And the cockerel said, oh, really? That's fascinating. Anyway, can you pass the bowl? I'm watching there. Oh, dear. I'll tell you what I have noticed. A star fruit from a certain angle looks like a star. I'm so relieved you said that.

Yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, we were talking about food that looks like other stuff. I've always felt, do you know those fries, peppermint cream bars? Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you put one of those, if you strip it down, get the paper off.

All right. Put it on the desk. De-robe it, you mean. Yeah. What are you saying, then? It does look like a speed bump. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I've noticed I eat them a bit slower than I do on a chocolate bar.

Almost like instinctively. I think, oh, just take it easy, I might be near a school. On a brown street. Very clever. And then when you finish that, do you feel so laid back you have to have a boost? Boost yourself back. What I think is there's not a double decker coming the other way. I don't like a boost. Can't get any purchase. Right, I'm wondering...

You know what, I want to be straight with you. I can't actually recall the constituent parts of a boost. It's so hard. It's quite firm in the middle, isn't it? It's too firm. With the toffee coating and then chocolate. It's quite a bit of work, isn't it? It's hard on the teeth.

You wouldn't want to do it with a loose filling. That's the sort of... No offence, Frank. What would you want to do with a loose filling? See a dentist. OK. No offence, Frank, but I don't think your teeth could handle it. Okay.

No, it's true. You're probably right. Halfway through a boot, you just see one in it. No, you're right. Okay. Several of my teeth were taken by explorers in the 19th century and are now in the British Museum. I should tell you...

And, you know, I'm getting a campaign to get them back. Are you? I've asked at Nana Muscuri. I happen to love your teeth. Thank you. This is from Joe Frank. I love all of you. This is from Joe.

Oh! He says, Hi, Frank and... Don't say, oh, like you know him. I know people called Joe. It could be one of them. Joe Kinnear. Hi, Frank and the team.

I think you'll find there's no Joe Kinnear. Hi, Frank and the team. I think you'll find there's no joke in here. Hi, Frank and the team. Emily mentioned last week that she didn't enjoy eating burgers in front of people. Did she? Yeah. I don't remember that. That's when I was discussing the... Perhaps I was a little shy about...

No, it was shyness about certain food. I eat a kebab alone quite often. Do you want to eat it alone? Oh, God. What a fabulous opening to a novel. Yeah, that's not depressing inside. I was saying I didn't like it because I felt feral,

gnawing away at it. Yeah. Which means I like to break it off delicately. Anyway, Joe says, a Japanese burger company has a solution. The Liberation wrapper covers the lower part of your face when you go to take a bite.

On the opposite side of the wrapper is a picture of a woman's face, making it appear to someone sitting opposite that you have a closed mouth. That's all well and good. Blimey. But how do I know the chin's going to fit? How do I know I like that mouth? They're going to go for a nice mouth, because they'll use one of their mouth models. Oh, well, one of their mouth models.

They're not going to ask Big Mo. There's going to, what? Yeah. One of them mouth models. They're not going to ask Big Mo. They're going to, there's going to be some, yeah. You've got to be careful you don't get David Coulthard. Yeah. Cherie Blair. I don't want Brucey. I do not want Brucey on my face. But what an interesting idea that he actually covers your eating bits.

Well, they're, yeah. They should, I tell you what. They're a demure culture, aren't they? It is quite demure, the facial expression on the Google image. I saw it. I think if it's going to cover the face like that, they should call it the beef burger. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about a fabulous invention from Japan. Yes. What's it called? The Liberation Rapper. The Liberation Rapper. Yeah. Which I'd go and see him any night of the week. Of course, in China, he'd be a dissident that had been arrested.

Yeah, he would. Yeah, I love him. In Japan, it's a modest way of consuming a burger. yeah i love him in japan it's a modest way of consuming a burger i i i japanese um women i went to japan for about um a month i feel tense about the way this story could no they're very um very sensitive about their mouths when they laugh they often uh put their hands in front of their mouths. And I noticed that they've got... There's quite a lot of orthodontic problems in Japan. A lot of... No, but I mean, there's a lot of extra teeth, if you know what I mean.

They must have fitted right in. Yeah, but they've got... Whereas I've got not enough. Everyone seems to have three or four too many. I wonder if there is... You know that person... It's the overcrowding issue. You know the people who squeeze people onto the underground trains in Japan? I wonder if they're doing the same with teeth. But, yes, I think the Japanese generally are quite touchy about their mouth,

certainly the females. Oh, really? So that's why they're Liberation Rapper. Of course, one of the problems is that they all make exactly the same timed appointment for the dentist. That is part of the problem. Yeah. Also, didn't beef burgers used to be called hamburgers?

When did that change? Because people, whether it's whatever the meat is, they tend to call it beef burgers, don't they? Yeah. But it's more factually accurate, isn't it? So I prefer that. Well, that's not, well, I don't know if that's true, but it was always hamburgers, wasn't it? I haven't made that up.

Yeah, because it was invented in Hamburg, wasn't it? Wasn't, because it was hamburgers, wasn't it? Oh, it wasn't, it was ham. Is that right? Oh, I've had an idiotic eureka. Me too. I thought it was beef burger, chicken burger, hamburger. When you said that piece of information, I quite fancied you.

Thank you. Because you knew I love knowledge. I find it very sexy. Can I say, I don't know where to look now. Frank feels exactly the same, but you don't articulate it for some reason. No, that's correct. Well, I'm pretty sure that's what it was. Oh, now you're pretty sure.

Now you're backtracking. That's what I mean with my science. That's gone into my knowledge banks now. Well, again, something that you're pretty sure. No, you're the backtrack. That's what I mean, my science. That's gone into my knowledge banks now. Well, again, something that Brian Cox doesn't do is at the end says, I'm pretty sure anyway, that's all. Yeah, but that's what makes me more charming, though, isn't it? Yeah. It's more palatable, isn't it?

Are you officially stating that you're more charming than Professor Brian Cox? According to my criteria of charm, yes. I'd like to read your criteria of charm. I imagine it's a bit like the Communist Manifesto. I have it here in a dossier, yeah. It's a small volume. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

Lovely. So, what else? We've had a text in saying, Hi, guys, in Japan they call the burger on its own a hamburger. It only becomes a hamburger when it's put on a bun. Oh. Just a bit of... But is it from Hamburg? I don't know.

I think... I thought it was. I thought it was invented in Hamburg. Well, we've had a tweet from at Brainy Chat. Oh. He sounds quite thorough. He sounds clever. He sounds a lot more thorough than I would have thought, so. He says, Hamburg, New York, not Germany.

There's a place in New York called Hamburg? Well, we're learning so much today, I don't know where to put myself. No way. He's at Brainy Chat, he knows. What are the chances of that happening? Yeah. All right, Harry Hill. And Justin Connolly.

Steve sniggers Get back to watching telly. Now, I'll tell you what we need to talk about. The word of the year. Do you know what it is? Did you read this? Yes. You know the OED do it every year? I know, I know. Oh, is it? Okay. I know what it is did you read this yes that you know the oed i know

i know oh is it okay i know what it is i read it check out the swat over there he's got his glasses on that's why yeah what is it frank this year oed the of oxford english dictionary their word of the year is selfie i felt like i was on call my bluff for a minute there um that's correct you're correct there were other contenders twerking yes that's that's been a big issue certainly I felt like I was on Call My Bluff for a minute there. That's correct. You're correct. There were other contenders, Twerking. Yes, that's been a biggie this year, certainly. Yeah. Yeah.

And Binge Watch. Yeah, I hadn't heard that until I read about it. No. Well, this is what worries me. I've certainly done it. I don't, yeah. This is what concerns me, is that last year's word of the year was Omni-shambles. Oh, yeah. Did I sleep for a whole year? Did I not come to the show

for a year and you thought, where's Frank gone? You realise the alarm and I woke up on the same date and thought everything was fine. Because I've never heard Omni-shambles. It was used in a political context, wasn't it? I think it was used in the popular television programme

The Thick of It and was then used in the popular television programme, The Thick of It, and was then used in the Commons and sort of... I'm going to be absolutely straight with you now. I have never seen The Thick of It. Right, well... You'd better get watching. I mean, I can put a word in and see if I can get you it on DVD from some of the people I know that made it. Never mind that. I want to tune in to Absolutely Straight.

I love that radio station. Yeah. Not big on the dance tunes, though. Absolutely Straight. Oh, that's the trouble. That's the trouble with it. It's a bit prog rock. If I did get you the thick of it on DVD,

you could end up binge-watching. You could do that thing that is binge-watching, where you watch a thing, and then you start watching loads of episodes back-to-back. That's what they call it. Oh, that's what binge-watching is. That's what they say. It's binge-watching. I don watch a thing and then you start watching loads of episodes back-to-back. That's what they call it. Oh, that's what binge-watching is. That's what they say, isn't it? Binge-watching. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

OK. I want to talk about selfies. I love it when the sort of six-year-old Emily suddenly rises up. Yes, well... Before we do, can I just say, morning all, Alan is correct, the hamburger did originate from Hamburg in Germany. Oh, he then says, just wicked it. No, that's not fact, is it?

Oh, no, I think people are very hard on Wikipedia. It's mainly fact. Yeah. And I like the fact that it's got a bit of a... There's a bit of a sizzle that it might not be, you know what I mean? Keeps you on your... Exactly. On your toes.

I'm pretty sure. I still remember the horror of saying to faye tozer so i understand you're you're a big trampoline enthusiast well i've been misled by wikipedia she looked genuinely how dare you i mean it doesn't make you a bad person it was like i'm sick of this trampoline thing that people keep bringing up absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio I'm sick of this trampoline thing that people keep bringing up. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing the word of the year. Well, it was selfie.

Yes. Did you see the papal selfie? Well, the papal selfie, which was Pope Francis, was unusual as selfies go in that he wasn't taking the photograph. Wasn't he, though? He looked a bit like, you know when you have a boy band and there's one that can genuinely sing? Yes.

I'm not being rude, but that's what he looked like because there was three very good-looking young Italian men with him. Yes. But how do you know he wasn't taking it? I think you could say the other... Wasn't the other person... He was in a selfie that someone else was taking. Yeah, yeah. Does that still qualify as a selfie? Still call it a selfie.

Does it? Even if, don't you have to be on your own in a selfie? Well Alan and I, for example the cockerel and I, I took a number of selfies of us, didn't I last night? Yes. So they're selfies if it's not just yourself. I think it's if the person in the photograph is taking it. I think it's one of that, that's how it qualifies.

If you, um. So if one of the number in the photograph is taking it. I think it's one of that. That's how it qualifies. So if one of the number in the picture is present, then I think it's a selfie. Yeah. But I don't know these rules. I'm just reading the words that are in the paper. OK. Like selfie. What else can you do in this to try and get a grasp on the world?

I'm just reading the words in the paper. Imagine if Jeremy Paxman said that. I mean, I honestly thought that the OED would go with the word of the year being Descartes, but apparently not. I would have gone YOLO. YOLO. YOLO. Is that this year?

Or did it reach us this year? Are you suggesting that because the Deputy High Commissioner of Sri Lanka is now familiar with it, it's no longer cool? No, definitely not. I think that gives it added status. OK. I liked Kim Kardashian's selfie this year. That was a good one, wasn't it? And then she got engaged, so selfies work.

She tweeted a picture of herself, didn't she? And we talked about it. Yeah, we did. It's the one where she looks like a sexy borat. You mean there's a non-sexy bore at? And then a week later, she got engaged.

You do the math. Otherwise, she could have ended up as a shelfie. That's maybe what people... People who don't remain single should call themselves shelfies. I love that. It's quite a nice way, isn't it? It's better than, you know...

Shelfie's excellent. Better than Loser. Yeah, you know. Yeah, he's a nice guy. He's a Shelfie, but, you know... Yeah. Hmm. I was also thinking, you know,

when you do a radio show like this and you get, like, Daisy and Charlie laugh at some of the jokes. Oh, yeah. And sometimes people think... Well, sometimes. They think there's pressure on them, I bet, you know, to do that. I think you could call that staff-ta.

Staff-ta. Because they're staff. Yes, I like that. And the pressure to laugh. There you go. You can write that down. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I've got some verification. And one of the few texts that we've ever had that addresses us as a studio. A hamburger is from Hamburg, a Frankfurter is from Frankfurt, and a Berliner is a donut. So when JFK addressed the citizens of West Berlin and declared Ich bin ein Berliner as the proudest thing anyone could say, he got a massive cheer. I am a doughnut. That's essentially what he was saying.

I don't know if he should have read that out. It's the 50th anniversary. That somehow he's likened himself to a thing with a hole in it. That just seems wrong. In short, the cockerel is right. Paul in Solihull. You're right. I thought I was right. I honestly thought ham, hamburger, beef cockerel is right. Paul in Solihull. You're right. I thought I was right.

I honestly thought ham, hamburger, beef, beef burger. No. Chicken, chicken burger. Yeah. You can see how I arrived at that. I can see how you got there, yeah. Now, what about this? We've had a text in, and the subject line,

I think you're going to enjoy it, is John Wayne commemorative limited edition wristwatch. My kind of gift. That's got you written to enjoy it. Is John Wayne commemorative limited edition wristwatch? My kind of gift. That's got you written all over it. Yes. I bet it's got John Wayne written all over it. Well, it has. Unfortunately, I don't want to worry you, but the website is called 50 Plus.

I'm sorry. That could be the cost. It is, yeah. It's 50 grand at a time. What's it look like? What's the face like? It's John Wayne's face. Oh, it's John Wayne's face. Yeah's 50 grand at a time. It's, um... What's it look like? What's the face like? It's John Wayne's face. Oh, it's John Wayne's face.

Yeah, and it's 15 notes. Is that all? Yeah. One, five. Actually, I might get two. One, three, three. Was 26, 99, now 15. Oh, man, I'm going to also get two for my ankles. That is a result.

That's brilliant. And are the hands, are they like six guns going around in extended no they're just regular hands love sorry about that sorry you always have to yeah reach too far i've overreached 816 has texted us the best thing about the selfie is judging the subject on the peripheral now i hope i don't mispronounce this but i say detritritus. Some people say detritus. I say detritus. A lot of people do. I say detritus. I say detritus. Oh, well, I'm wrong. Let's call the whole thing rubbish.

Strewn clothes and noodle pots are favourites of mine. Yes. In the background. I love a poorly decorated wall, too. Good day, noodle. I do. Well, the one famous selfie this year had the Prime Minister having a nap in the background. It did, didn't it?

He was part of the detritus. How often is he in the detritus? Yeah, but that was, I mean, that wasn't a selfie again. If it's got someone else in it. No, it was his sister who was taking a selfie of herself. I think it's the word of the year. We need to take care of it. Not let it become abused.

You know, remember what happened to Omni Shambles? No, I don't. Fancy actually discovering it when it becomes word of the year. It's awful. We've got, on the subject of background stuff, we've got Bunting up today. Doctor Who-themed Bunting. Yeah, we have.

Yeah, including K-9 is up there. Yeah. Oh, Frank got so excited about this anniversary. I worry it's been a bit of a damp squib, to be honest. No, no, and that hasn't even barely started yet. What about tonight? What about when I'm at the BFI in 3D? You're going to be there in 3D.

I'm going to be there in 3D. I find I travel mainly in 3D nowadays. I was going to say, you're here in 3D. Oh, we've got a bit of criticism. Would you like to hear it? Oh, yeah. OK, but I've got to go to... Shall. Shall we save it? I love cliffhanger criticism. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why not text the show on 8 12 15 or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Or you can email us on the Absolute Radio website www. www. www. www. www. www.

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www. www. www. www. www. www. Do you remember earlier? I'd said we'd had some... Do I remember earlier I'd said we'd had some

do I remember earlier that's quite a big question I do and I don't well we'd had a borderline abusive email really yeah which I thought I should read out it's not really abusive he's just sharing an experience with us

of the show 933 hello Frank your adverts state that texting you would be a better experience than merely listening to your show. Do they? Well, apparently so. Thus I commence this missive with high expectations, yet

as I come to the end of the text, I reflect upon what has been a curiously hollow experience. Fair enough. I think he's talking about the actual experience of texting the show. Yeah. It's what we do

with it, isn't it? Yeah. Like in this case we've just sort of read it out and then we'll move on. Shall we move on? No, I think it's

I didn't know that was our is that our slogan? Texting us is even better than just listening. I like it

because it makes me feel like I'm a bit red button. Yes. You because it makes me feel like I'm a bit Red Button. Yes. You are a bit Red Button. I am a bit. Frank, you're so Red Button. I am. It's interesting that you chose to read that.

You're so Red Button, you don't even know it! Was that what they say? I think it is, yeah. It's interesting you chose to read that missive out rather than the text we've just had in saying, Emilyily beautiful as always and then uh one of those uh smiley faces what's it an emoticon we can't read aesthetic praise i've read it i'm all right i'm all right with people telling you what if it's that young lad

from last night was there a young lad yeah the one i was a bit rude to, who liked the show. Well, what about if you were our first blind date marriage? Oh, yeah, that could work. With a listener. Oh, I'd love that. There isn't enough of that. I'd love to marry a listener. I'd like to put that out there. Did Jeremy Kyle do that?

I believe on BRMB in Birmingham. He married a listener. They got a couple to get married for a sort of a phone-in thing. So they got married, like, for a prank. And everyone said it was incredibly bad taste. And then I think they got divorced and Jeremy Cole married the woman. I hope he didn't get aggressive at the ceremony. Look, mate, are you an alcoholic?

I hope he didn't lie on the aisle. You know, sometimes he lies, sort of. He's couchant. Sort of lounges around. I like my Kyle Rampant. I don't like him couchant. Yeah, but if I've made up that story from Jeremy Kyle or something, I shall see him in court.

Who else is suing me? Everyone. Who was suing me earlier in the show? Entire nations. Oh, Shaw Taylor, of course. Yeah, there's a queue. I'm actually stacking at the law court. I like the fact that things that we've had self-doubt on today are my hamburger

fact and your Jeremy Kyle facts. That says a lot about us. I think that's right. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Shall I say, Charlie has just arrived with coffee, and I know she's wearing a hat, so it's a weird amalgam. Yeah.

In that it's woolen, but the actual bobble on it is fur. Is it fake fur? Um, yes. It's real fur? Yes, it's fake fur. OK. No, it's fake. It's definitely fake. I've just felt it. It's definitely fake. And it's lovely. Yes, it's fake fur. Okay. No, it's fake. It's definitely fake.

I've just felt it. It's definitely fake. And it's lovely. Okay, thank God for that. Otherwise I'm going to have to cut your bobble off. Cut your bobble off, of course, is my Russian butler. He sounds good. Ivan, cut your bobble off.

Yeah, he is. He's very... He talks about the old days quite a lot. Yeah, all that... All those cornfields and ballet in the evenings. Guess what Cockrell's finished his, he's actually doing his acting, Frank. Yeah, I believe he came in, he had a score. He's like his mum, he's been doing his acting.

He said, we've rapped. I had my golden rap, that's what they call it. Why do they call it golden? What is a golden rap? Sounds quite fattening to me. I'm already worried for my golden wrap. That's what they call it. Why do they call it golden? What is a golden wrap? Sounds quite fattening. I'm already worried for my thigh gap. Aren't you? It's all gone a bit wonka.

What is a golden wrap? I think it's your last day on the set. That wasn't what I had in the 90s. Exactly. It's a Paul Flowers thing. Yeah, it's like they say, that's the golden wrap for Alan, so everybody kind of went like that and gave me a little cheer

and then somebody from Props Elliot hired little party poppers and stuff. Oh, lovely. It was nice, it was nice. Almost like someone had thought you were never ever coming back to this production. Yeah, I wonder if the second series I've mysteriously moved

away from the area. Regular listeners will know that the Cockerel gave the team a bit of a lecture. Did I? About being a professional comedian and knowing what's funny. Did I? Yes. Oh, that team? Yeah. I thought you meant this team.

Not this team. Oh, yeah. You could try. But, yeah, so... Was there a tear in your eye, be honest? Yeah, but there was also... Maybe I've got a paranoia, but there were two things that have made me

slightly paranoid about it. The producer and the director both wrote a nice card and both of them said, hope you enjoyed it, as if to say, you could have let your face know it. With you underlined. No, they didn't underline it. But they both put, I hope you enjoyed it,

as if I hadn't revealed that I'd enjoyed it. You're not a big one at revealing your enjoyment. Well, crucially, they didn't say we enjoyed it either. No, I think they did. They said we enjoyed working with you, but they said, I hope you enjoyed it too. But I've got that dour face thing going on. And over and above that, I did they did. They said, we enjoyed working with you, but they said, I hope you enjoyed it too. But I've got that dour face thing going on. And over and above that,

I did film the whole thing behind a Liberation rapper. I was eating burgers constantly. I remember when you first told me that, I wondered if that was a good idea, but I didn't want to bother you. I just thought it's not going to cost me further work. Did you do lots of hugging then? Well, yes.

There was a point where, you know that thing where you're sort of shaking hands with people that you've worked with for a while yeah and then somebody throws their arms open for a hug that's always that moment on it all has to be hugs doesn't it because you can't then go back to yeah and a handshake so i was then trapped in this like i'm gonna have to hug everyone that's now in front but the people behind some of them i like better than the people i'm about to hug. And I only handshake with them. And when they look back, they'll think I've only got a handshake.

Yeah, so I felt a bit paranoid about it. And I know that I must have hugged somebody who's a bit body conscious and doesn't like being hugged. You know, one of those people like, ah, don't hug me. But I had to then. I was locked in. You have to, don't you? You can't undo. Well, I don't know.

Like when Frank worked with Lauren Harris. Yes, exactly. We were in a hog for what 40 minutes um yeah he was all right i could feel every uh individual um disc on his spine i sort of worked my way down emily's gone she's yeah it Yeah, it was... He was wearing evening wear, he likes evening wear. He was a backless dress. And, yeah, one of those, some bras with a clasp at the front, which took me about 20 minutes to...

But the rumours about you two are completely unfounded, we should say. No, you know, people say, but, you know, you made be a mate of her in the flesh and you... We were talking about the cross-emotional farewell from his sick dad. He shook hands with people. We were talking about how people can't tell if I'm enjoying something or not more accurately. And I remember when I was at drama school...

Pity your poor wife. The head of acting told me that my natural insouciance may cost me some work because people think I'm not bothered about it. That's such a head of acting thing to say, isn't it? Was he ever right? Yeah, well, yeah, he was so right, he's still working in a college. Oh!

Oh! Oh, cool! Oh! Blimey! It's like working with Beck Davis. I'll tell you, he's really changed since he's done this sitcom. Yeah, but I find when I say goodbye to people, I don't know what your style is, Frank.

You're quite showbiz, aren't you? You're quite Mr Saturday Night. Well, I have to say, when I finished Room 101, it was a bit... How was that? Well, I'm off then. Your habit is to reject a gift, isn't it? Yeah.

Did you say, well, I'm off then, with your rucksack? I said, right, I'm off, and they said, OK. I said, right, all the best. And I went. End of my five-year relationship. No, it's no hogs. No handshakes, nothing. Do you know what I say?

I've got a little trickster and you might want to bear this in mind for your future work. When I did, for example, I did that thing with Russell Kane in Edinburgh this summer. Saying goodbye to everyone. I do a little thing.

I make them all feel special. So I hug them all and I do a bit of a Dorothy. I say, oh, I miss you most of all, Scarecrow. I say, I miss you most of all. But then they hear you've said it to everyone. I said it to Russell and I said it to the camera one. Oh, like when Bruce Versailles says, you're my favourite.

Yeah, that's exactly what it's like. I did take in chocolates. I wasn't a monster about it. Did you? Yeah, I took in big boxes of chocolates. I kissed the runner, I think, when I left 101. Yeah, but that was Lauren Harris. Yeah.

I think I kissed the runner when I left, when I left 101. Yeah, but that was Lauren Harris. Yeah. I think I kissed the runner when I left the bobsleigh team. No, I kissed, I think, yes, I kissed the runner. I kissed the runner and I liked it. Because what I'm worried about with the cockerel, as I've said

many times, is now that he's returned, having had that taste of glory. Yeah. How you gonna keep them down on the farm? Let's see Harry. How you gonna keep them away from Broadway jazz and around Pinktown? That's the problem, isn't it?

It must seem pretty dull. Yeah, is it? Don't put yourselves down. Let's just work through it. I mean, you know, all that stuff about them dressing up on Fridays. Oh, yeah, they got dressed up on Fridays. Oh, they did. That was lovely.

Lofty. Really playful. They had gold daft days. You know what happens on tour, Stace, on tour? Yeah. Do you know what? Don't take this the wrong way, but do. No, I hate it when... I remember a boyfriend, an ex-boyfriend I was going out with,

and he said, do you want to come to the wrap party? And I said, no. And he said, why? I said, I'm not being rude, but it is going to be. Oh, do you remember when the makeup artist tripped over the cable? It was hilarious. That's what I don't like. I don't like on-set tales.

Yeah, see, a lot of it is me taking the producer to one side and saying, who is that I'm talking to? One of it is me taking the producer to one side and saying, who is that I'm talking to? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I want to talk about this burglary. Did you hear about this woman? She's the most polite victim of crime that ever lived.

The burglars came in, they robbed her home, and she wrote a thank you letter to them. Did you see it? Yeah. Was it polite, Lester? Oh, I think it was. A bit of sarcasm. Yeah, I thought it was a bit sarky. A bit sarky. Well, there you see, we've got a different spin on it, because I just thought she was very nice and well brought up. What she said was next time...

I think that's part of an upbringing, that you write a thank you letter to anybody that burglars you. We thank you write a thank you letter to anybody that burcles you. We thank you. We thank everyone. Really? Yeah. She said, there's no need to come in again unless you'd like to take my collection of VHS videos and cassettes. That's sarcasm.

No, but I like the fact that she called them VHS videos and cassettes. Yes, well... Come on. I've got to point out, even the charity shops don't take them anymore. Someone told me that they tried to drop them off and the charity shops went, we don't want them, we can't get rid of them. Yeah.

Is that right? You have to just put them in a bin, I believe. Really? Or recycling or something. That seems... No one will have them. There must be some sort of use that they could be put to. You could stick them on the wall for soundproof instead of egg boxes.

What about if one brought back... Do you remember those sort of... those ribboned doors that used to be in chip shops? Oh, yeah, and certain houses, you'd get them going through to the larder. Yeah, could you not cut the tapes into ribboned doors for your interior doors? When I say your interior doors, I mean in your house, obviously. Yeah, of course.

You could then give them to some, everybody in the street, and you'd still have tapes left, because there's loads of tape inside of video, isn't there? Oh, yeah, there is. You could get quite a lot out of, like, three videos, I should think. I agree. She was in London. She was going to watch Strictly Come Dancing live.

Oh, yeah. Oh, and she lives in Northampton, doesn't she? She does. Oh, the clown. Yes, I'm thinking that Northampton is comedy nowadays, what Liverpool used to be to pop music. Because they've got this woman and a Sarky letter. Yeah. I still think it's Sarky.

Jeremy Clark. And, because I was on The One Show recently, and they had an article about burglary, and when it came back, I said, I think you can just gun them down now, can't you? There seemed to be some anxiety. You didn't say that. Yes. You didn't say that. Yes.

You didn't say that on the one show. What is wrong with you? It was a slight exaggeration, but I'm sure that Kenneth Clarke said that you're allowed to defend your own property. Yes. And I find that that's more, it seems extreme, but it's more effective than satire. Don't you think? But anyway, the Northampton clown, yeah and now this this woman with her wacky letters i also i read uh i read a nice quote from i think he's been identified the clown he never

asked me out um i was embarrassing i asked i gave him an open offer he's a student i think so he might be dare i say it a bit young too old for No. You can say it, but you'd be incorrect. OK. But there was a nice quote from the Northampton clan. He was tracked down by local press or something. He denied it and then he fessed up. And they asked him, he said, people seem to enjoy it, but it gets a bit hard sometimes with the death threats.

Oh. Now, that's a... I mean, I can see why that would be a downer. Yeah. But why? Why? Who are the people that make death threats to the Northampton Cloud? Yeah.

Why? Weirdos. Yeah, exactly. Weirdos. I feel bad about that. Saddos. Oh, Frank. Weirdos. I feel bad about that. Sados. Oh, Frank, you know, you were talking about teeth. People, women being a little bit, you know, demure about their teeth and their mouths in Japan.

Carol says, in Japanese culture, it's considered rude and unnatural for women to open their mouths wide in public places. Is that right? So there's actually nothing to do with the quality of their teeth. Okay. Well, what I've done is I've imposed my own observations and I hope I haven't in any way denigrated the people of Japan, who I love very much. What about that?

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I have an email here. I don't know if you're interested in it. What would some find out? Sasha Hinn's email corner. Do you want the if you're interested in it. What would seem fine, eh? Sashay into email corner. Do you want the jingle, or shall we just...? It's your thing.

Have we done it already this morning? We have, yeah. OK. Email corner. Do-wa, do-wa, do-wa. Sort of Sinatra-esque. It's my swing. You know when your career's going a bit low,

you do a swing album? Oh. Yeah, that's what I... The hair weave's taken well, Robbie Williams. I've reached it. Lots of people. I think Westlife did one as well, didn't they? Did they?

Robbie Williams. Sounded quite like Harry Connick Jr. I thought maybe you'd interviewed him in the week. Well, I think his career has been one. Yeah. Dear Frank Lecoq and Miss Emily, you were talking about embarrassing clothes in the last podcast and it reminded me of a traumatic period of my youth when i was about eight my mum for some unexplained

reason decided to make my p my white pe shorts to make my white pe shorts out of toweling instead of buying a normal pair imagine my shame of having to do pe in what my classmates quite justifiably referred to as a nappy. Oh. When I complained, she just said, oh, don't be so blimmin' silly, it's toweling. As if that somehow made things all right. She refused to change them and after months of ridicule, I think I just lost them on purpose. All the best from Santander, Columbia. Columbia.

Justin Kirkham. But that's, um, It's actually quite practical. To be honest, I'd wear those over the summer. When you say practical... Well, you're sort of drying yourself off as you exercise. It's the sort of opposite of self-basting. Yeah. I don't know why we don't wear more toweling things

now that they come to mention it. I think it keeps the dampness in, though, doesn't it? Does it? Well, when you see Andy Murray with a towel round his neck things now that they come to mention it i think it keeps the dampness in though doesn't it does it well why when you see andy mori with a towel around his neck but um yeah you know he's taking the dampness out isn't he yeah but then he's not keeping the towel on his neck while he plays the next game of tennis is he's just also justin turn him inside out at halftime be grateful for small mercies you got to wear white PE shorts We had to wear brown pants Did you?

In my school, brown nylon pants I was of an age where the girls wore navy blue pants for PE Right But toweling, I could I might actually get rid of all my clouds And just replace them with toweling garments Yeah What about if you just wore toweling?

All the time Yeah, that was it, that was your thing Even the shoes, mum Obviously not the soles, but the oppas Yeah. What about if you just wore toweling? All the time? Yeah, that was it. That was your thing. Even the shoes, Mum. Obviously not the soles, but the uppers could be toweling. Like Mr Soft. You could just wear those hotel slippers. They're basically toweling.

I'd like it if everything had to be toweling. So if you wore, like, a proper suit, dinner jacket had to be toweling. But what is toweling? Toweling tuxedo. Is it tiny loops? Yeah. Yeah.

I think I need to look into the manufacturer before I make any big decisions on this. Get yourself in the loop, yeah. Could be the way forward, that, towel in. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, can I suggest large bath towel plus clothes peg equals towel and cloak? That's from 163. I think we've all used the towel as a cloak, haven't we, around the bathroom?

Well, I use it as a turban, often. I think that looks great on girls. Yeah, I love the towel and cloak. Oh, come over. You see, towel and, we do use it. Yeah. I come to think of it, I use it as a sarong around the house. And does anybody ever say sarong trousers grommet?

Does anyone ever say that? Let me check my journal. No. I doubt you need to. No, it's all right. You're OK. I think it's better to have bad things to wear at school than very good things.

There was the school fat boy at our school. That's just his name, is it? No, but in those days, you only had, like, really two fat kids in a school. The allocation was much stricter. It was like schoolboys in a newsagent, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah.

I think this is before the obesity thing. So they became celebrities in their own right. And he had a pair of Adidas Santiago's, which were like tight end. He was awful at football, as you can imagine. And he got a lot of stick for having really good boots and being rubbish. Really? So it's better to have the tail in shorts than to have the

tools and not the ability to use and that's my advice for any kids who are listening out there. It's a sage lesson here on Absolute Radio. Thank you. Well he had the posh train, it's the overindulgent parents. Yeah. Have we got time for an email Frank? Yeah. Frank on the subject of food constructions which we were talking

about last week with your curry, weren't we Frank? You used to have every, all. Yeah. Frank, on the subject of food constructions, which we were talking about last week with your curry, weren't we, Frank? You used to have every... Oh, yes, I always put... I did the Vesta rice curry. Serving suggestion. Yeah, so it's rice in a circle, sauce in the middle. That's how I do it.

So on the subject of food constructions, when my children were younger and I was serving sausage and mash, I would build an island of mash in the middle of the plate, hollow out the centre and fill it with gravy, representing a volcano full of lava. I like it. Beans encircled the volcano represent hot lumps of lava which had erupted for the volcano

and were cooling in the sea. Sausages sliced in half-length ways made good boats or uncut as whales or submarines. Wow. Florets of broccoli were fashioned into small forests on the slopes of the volcano. Eating mash from the top of the volcano causes the gravy lava to breach the crater and flow down

towards the sea, often taking some broccoli trees with it. That's from John. Fantastic. And what you could have... By the time he serves it up, it's cold. But on the lower slopes, you could have some discarded baby giraffe legs. Oh, yeah. Where they'd been ripped off in the torrent.

And salt and pepper, flotsam and jetsam. Nice. There's my lava. I'll tell you what, we'll talk about this next week. We'll put that for a cliffhanger. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again at this time next week.

Thank you for listening. Can I say, enjoy the show tonight at 7.50 on BBC One and at Cinemas and stuff. It's going to be, my stomach is going all tingly just thinking about it. Oh, goodness. Now get out.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio, back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.