The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Soviet Russia

Episode Date: March 23, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Soviet Russia, dictators, hitch-hiking and Frank discovers the acronym YOLO. There is also of course a trip to Email Corner.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You know what, if you want to be part of this show you can text us on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. I didn't like the phrase, if you want to be part of this show, it sounds like they could send in job applications. Well, they can send in job applications. We do get people sending in...

Population CV in 140 characters or fewer. No, it's nice that we had a guy this... Do you know our Friends of the Show jingle, don't you? Yeah. If we talk about people who are friends of the show... We play. Who's an example of a friend of the show? Peter the Wild. I was thinking of of friend of the show peter the wild

i was thinking of ross noble it's a friend of the show it's only a leather a leather um necklet away such a thing as a necklace if there isn't build one and he will come um so the jingle if we talk about a friend who's another friend of the show another kate winslet yeah oh i don't think i was consulted on that one sorry we'll talk about this one after a couple anyway if it's a friend of the show we will apply this friend of the show but this week we had a message from um you'll tell me in a minute, one of our readers. One of our readers. Who, I thought when I started talking about Friend of the Show, you'd all think, oh, let's find that name.

Well, I think you'll find it was Chris Tan from The Wirral. I find in the modern age you have to give people a bit more. I just assumed that we were going to do it after. You assumed, yeah. You know what assumed does, don't you? Yeah, gets it wrong. It was Chris Tan from The Wirral. Anyway, so he has sent

Chris Tarrant, did you say? Yeah, Chris Tarrant. No, Chris Tan. Oh, Chris Tan, right. Okay. And he sent his own friend of the show, Jingle. And we might make this the new friend of the show, Jingle. Because I might make this the new friend of the show, Jingle. Because I think it's great that...

Let's give it a little listen. That our readers are building stuff in sheds like this. OK, here goes. Wowza. I love it. I keep imagining that Danny Kaye's going to come in at the end and say, me, a swan? I think it's quite wedding scene at the end of Star Wars.

I like it. I like it as well, so thanks a lot for that, Chris. It's good. It's good that people care enough. That probably took, what, a minute and a half? Yeah. And that's, you know, he could have been doing other stuff with that. Somebody has... He could have put an abusive comment on a mail online.

But no, he did something productive instead. Hmm. We welcome the Twitterati on this show. I think that's true. Well, I welcome them. Well, they tweet. With open arms. We get tweeted.

We do. Yeah. I'm sure this friend of mine won't mind me telling you this. A friend of mine in Birmingham, I'm not going to name her, she's had problems, right, basically. She, um... I feel tense. I feel more tense than I think I've ever felt in my lifetime.

It's slightly heavy for this time of the morning, but it'll be all right. OK. She has... I don't like the sound of the Birmingham problems. No, no, it's all right. Now, listen. This is serious.

She has a multiple personality disorder, right? OK. And she opened a Twitter account and they said that she couldn't open one because she's more than 140 characters. Oh. Oh, okay. I loved it. I was feeling sorry for that one then.

And now I've wasted my empathy. How marvellous that I built up the tension that I was a bit concerned about. So any young comedians listening, you can learn from that. I think, yeah, I think that was well done. I can learn a lot listening to this show. You know what they say? YOLO. It trips off the tongue. It does, yeah.

Do they know what YOLO means? No, I didn't know until, what, 15 minutes ago? Emily told me. Emily, can you believe that Emily is my link to youth talk? How did that happen? Frightening. That's my godson Harvey says that a lot. That's like phone Frank about drugs things. Yeah.

What do I know? Yeah, YOLO. YOLO. You only live once. You only live once, and that's the new slogan of the show. Yeah. A lot of Buddhists switching off now, obviously, but... They're not a target demographic, are they?

No, exactly. I've heard that the llama listens now and again. No, he's too busy at the premieres. No, not that one, the one at Dudley Zoo. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just saying before, I was pointing out the fact that I don't think there's anyone I hate more on the planet

than a dignitary. You're not a fan of a dignitary. I know, I don't like them. They always have. What is it you don't like about them? Is it their sense of entitlement? They're a bit stuffy. Stuffy? Do you know what I mean?

Ironically, it's a bit undignified, isn't it? It is. Our ambassador's dignitaries, because I love an ambassador. I don't know. It's so odd I don't have to think about... I'm all right with ambassadors, because I imagine there might be a bit of gold brocade on the epaulette, whereas with dignitaries, I'm suit suits.

Yeah, it's a lot of suit wearing, isn't it? So, if you're a dignitary, you know what you're not, don't you? You know what that means, that you no longer are? And that's... You're not one of those, if you're a dignified... It's big, isn't it? It's big, that. I think it's going to have to be used sparingly, as they say, and then rest in peace.

Well, we're going to store them up. We've already had a request in, Frank, to be a friend of the show. That's something of a precedent being set here. Save it, because if I play that again in the next ten minutes, I think people will switch off. As you say, it's one of those, being set here save it because if i play that again in the next 10 minutes i think people switch off as you say it's one of those it starts and you think well this sounds great and you think come on come on yeah it's uh but we're all be all right so do you want to hear my latest obsession oh yes because you know i go from obsession to obsession like a bee goes from flower to flower yes pollinating noted that. Yes, pollinating. Yes. Well, to be fair, Frank, YOLO.

And even when I slightly... Yeah, well, it's true. Yeah. Why don't Coldplay, in an attempt to make themselves a bit cooler, do a slight modification on yellow? And it was all YOLO. And then kids would say, you know, we were wrong about Coldplay.

They're not cold, they're cool. Even if they do buy their clothes. They could call they're cool. Even if they do buy their clothes. Coldplay. Even if they do buy their clothes from the Antidote Shop. Get me Chris Martin. Get me Chris Martin now. On the phone. He'll be up.

He'll be up watching... I bet he's watching National Geographic. How do you think so? Come on, Chris. No, she watches French TV. Yes, it'll all be French and Italian. We talked about that, didn't we? Of course she does.

We all approved, actually. We thoroughly approved. Education by stealth. Fabulous. Kat texts my... Kat texts Boz, my child, in case you're a new reader. She takes him to a show... Not a show, really.

A show? What's going on? A gathering of mothers andilton where they sing in French I like that I think it's more master of the house everybody loves their landlord

but in French I don't know why why doesn't Al Murray open with everybody loves their landlord oh that's a good idea. Sorry, Emily, I've talked all over you. No, you didn't. No, I did.

It all went a bit mottler week. What did you say? I'm sorry. No, I was just worried about what French songs. I thought it might be a bit Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg. Oh, I hope so. That's a great song. Maybe I'll play that next week.

I want to play that next week. I'm opening with that next week. You pointed at me infatually. Like some sort of Labour MP in the 70s. I am. Okay, you've got a stretch since 8 o'clock. I quite like it. The reason I pointed, I think, is I've just...

My wasp sting arthritis cure has really kicked in this week. Oh, good. And for the first time I've managed... My hand, for years years has looked like the lottery symbol yeah and finally it's clicked it and i'm thinking no pointing is an option for me so that's good i like it i like it when he said his talk my new um my new obsession is um the soviet union I'm pining for it. I know it gets a lot of bad press, you know, the gulags and all that.

The goulash gets good press. The goulash is fabulous. Yeah, it does get quite bad press. It does, yeah. Yes. But you know that Peter Sellers film when he plays the trade union leader and the bloke says, have you ever been to Russia? And he said, no, but I fancy it.

You know, he said all those cornfields and ballet in the evenings. I've watched a couple of documentaries just like that. It looks great. It looks great. Why can't we become a communist society and just do what the government tells us to do and have big pageants with missiles and have pretty

blonde girls in traditional dress carrying flowers and muscular men in vests working hard. Wouldn't we be happier? A headscarf on the lady. What would be easier? Definitely be choosing bread when you're in the supermarket.

I love queuing that. Also clothes. Are you talking about I think you're talking about those Russian propaganda posters, I'm calling them. I'm talking about the whole thing except for the gulags. Hold the gulags. Yeah, exactly. Hold the gulags.

I've used that line before. But sometimes they just won't. And sometimes they do, but they're brutish. I don't want to talk about the Hotel Intercontinental. OK. But it just looks great. I don't know about...

When was the last time you went to a really brilliant pageant? Pageants are rubbish in England. I'm still on gulags. OK. They are. They're rubbish. Come on. I worry, Frank, because I think I'm a bit more Imperial Russia, let's be honest. Oh, really? Oh, come on. It's the Tsar. Oh, I love a Tsar. I think I'm more Winter Palace. I can see myself, I'm afraid, pre-Revolution. Oh, no. Because you don't get the big pageants and all that. I don't want the pageants, I want the money. Because you don't get the big pageants and all that.

I don't want the pageants, I want the money. Yeah, but they didn't, they got theirs, let's put it this way. Does that mean that the revolutionaries, when they chased the royal family, did they catch the sauce? Rubbish. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio our readers have been texting in 104 dear frank emily and the cockerel i was amazed to discover that kensington palace is holding a peter the wild boy easter egg hunt this easter and i thought

i should alert you to this that can can't, is that a joke? No, I think that's true. Peter the Wild themed Easter egg hunt. I think we've been alerted to this by email also. Will there be a child dressed up as Peter the Wild and he gets a head start? Is it like a fox hunt? Who sings songs without words

and stares at bonfires. What was his other thing? Eating raw onions. Well, we have to go to that, don't we? Well, I think we'll have to go, but I can't imagine who else is going to be in attendance.

It's going to be us. Who's the demographic? It's going to be me, you, Alan, Daisy, Sarah, so the whole team.

And the listenership. And, um... There'll be a lot of Nickelback t-shirts. You know this is on the radio now, don't you? George I, maybe? Yeah. Maybe. I think he's indisposed. Okay. There'll be a lot of Nickelback T-shirts. You know this is on the radio now, don't you? George I, maybe. Yeah?

Maybe. I think he's indisposed. OK. He's away, like they say about columnists. I'm up for it. I'm up for it. You know what they say about this impromptu... You know what they say?

YOLO! There you go. So, um... I don't think that's what the kids had in mind. No, but I've got to, you know, I've got to hold it up a bit so I can cope. We've also had a text. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. I have a headache and have run out of milk.

Under these circumstances, is it OK to have a red velvet cupcake for breakfast? Oh, God, yeah. Yes. God, I'm tempted to replay that jingle. Yeah. Are you? That's one of the most YOLOs I've ever heard. I'd say, God, yeah. Yes. I'm tempted to replay that jingle. Yeah. Are you? That's one of the most YOLOs I've ever heard. I'd say, yeah, YOLO.

One of the most YOLOs. And the YOLO. There ought to be a chocolate bar called the YOLO, which is really a sweet... But you're just thinking, so what? Yeah. It'd be a good name for a dessert as well, wouldn't it? Talking of jingles, we've heard from the Twitterati.

Oh, yeah. What? Congrats, at Frank on the radio, four years. as well wouldn't it you're talking of jingles we've heard from the twitterati oh yeah what congrats at frank on the radio four years buzzy's sound effect has been sadly neglected of late that is please give us some buzzwords and put this wrong right that's a very good point now let me just uh i'll have a little i'll have a little hunt for it see if i can find that baby there it is yeah um this is from ella mar. I have to tell you something about Boz for this to work. I'll tell you what's brilliant, I've realised. Yeah. For years, I've had a desperate urge while walking in the street

to just talk to myself and sing, right? And you can't because people don't like it. But when you get a baby, you can do it so now i've got my child boss um i just walk down the street and talk to him sometimes i just take the pram out empty and uh and and talk about existentialism and uh and you can get away with it so that's a little tip if there's any mad people listening get a pram. Yeah. I like the empty pram. It's like a thief, old school thief doing a bank job or something. You never see.

You used to see people with prams taking bottles back to the off licence. You don't see that anymore. But you know what? I think we might. I think we might soon. That's the way it's going. Yeah. Whereas if we'd got a strict communist government Things would be brilliant

Is your obsession from these documentaries you've watched? I assumed it was reading I have done some reading as well I've even been on the blooming web Looking at the post You have a theory about the information Googling the gulag Yeah, I mean they had a space race and everything

Well you do love that period in time. I suspect you're a Nadia Comaneci fan as well. All that. You see, I think it's really good for very young girls after the 12 hours of training a day. Otherwise, what are they doing? Texting? Forget about it.

Watching Gogglebox? I've only discovered Gogglebox this morning. This is the cockerel's new obsession. It's not a new obsession, I've seen four minutes of it. That's more than I've seen of Soviet Russia, to be fair. Well, Daisy the producer does sometimes text in a sort of, you know, she says, turn on the telly, like a major international incident has just happened. She is our TV correspondent.

And then it turns out it's like Showbiz Mums on Sky One or something. But let's not play this down. The cock has been watching Gogglebox. I saw about four minutes of it. What's the premise of it? What channel is it? Is it Channel 4? People watching telly.

It's people watching telly and the camera's on them whilst they all watch the same programme and then it just cuts from one living room to another, but with different sets of characters in that reality TV. And they're deliberately responding to it. I feel like you're pitching it to the commissioning editor. It's already been done. This horse has bolted. What was that programme?

You know, sometimes you think of a programme that you realise you've never had a conversation about and you think, did I dream this? Yeah. There used to be a programme and it used to show films like sort of old B-movie films. And in the foreground, there was two sort of monsters sitting, but you could only see them in silhouette. And they used to talk about...

That was Richard and Judy, how dare you? Oh, heck. Oh, yeah. Actually, it was Richard and Judy, how dare you? Oh, heck. Oh, yeah. Actually, it was a book club, it wasn't very big. Now, so you'd see the film, and then you could see a silhouette, like there was two creatures sitting in the cinema, and they'd take the mickey

out the... Are you sure this isn't the Muppets? The Muppets? How? Are you sure? No. That's very aggressive, no. That's when he goes Birmingham. Proper monsters. I think the tartrazines wore it off. You only ever saw them in Silhouette. Silhouette, that's a tricky one, isn't it? If anyone knows a show where there are two monsters watching films...

And making comments on them. Let me know. And it's not Mark Kermode's review show. No, no, they didn't. Even though they were monsters, their hair was less ridiculous than that. But but um no it's uh i'd like to know what that was silhouette i think is the most hard word to spell ever you think so in fact that's going to be my newest resolution 2014 to learn how to spell silhouette will you give me three months this is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio can I thank our fabulous readers for putting me out of my misery I didn't imagine that programme where two monsters sit in silhouette in a cinema and talk about films we've had many many texts thank you so much

I was getting a bit uh yeah it's called the muppets no it's not it's called apparently um mystery science 3000 mystery science theater or mystery science oh come on what's it called we've had a lot of people just slightly adapting it uh i think it was called cinema 2000, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Mystery Science Theatre High. Could that show have been Mystery Science 3000? I used to watch it in America. Cheers, Miranda. You don't think

that was the Miranda that turned me down for that job in that sitcom? Oh, come on. Sorry, I shouldn't go on about it. Yeah, she goes to America and stuff now because she's got a job in a sitcom. Unlike some people. It said she goes to America and stuff now because she's got a job in a sitcom, unlike some people. It said it had a guy and two robots mocking old movies. Oh, was there a guy?

I just, see, I remember it's two monsters. But, you know, I remember it being, like, the best show that's ever been on television. I think it may have been the best text-in we've ever done because there's been more response to that than many of the things that we've chucked out. Yeah, well, most of our texting suggestions are awful. But that one was, I really

genuinely, really wanted to know about that. Didn't you want to do one about Russia this week? Oh yeah, I did. I said let's do a text like, what do you think you'd enjoy about living in Soviet Russia? And I wasn't refused,

it was just not mentioned again. So don't think that I live in some Stalin-type dictatorship here where I run the show. No. I don't. I'm allowed to think that I do, but hey. Just give it a go.

I think you're more Brezhnev. Speaking of Stalin. You're more Gorbachev, actually. Well, that's a good comparison, because I've worked out, because when I've been looking into the Russian thing, and generally world history, if you get a leader who doesn't have a moustache, you're all right. Oh, do you know what, Frank?

You could have a point. Yeah, if you think like, you know, you're're Starlings, you're Sadams, you're adults. You're Mugabe Fulcrum. Yeah, you're Mugabes. I mean, you know, I know Bob's got a pretty slimline job, but it's a moustache nonetheless. If you go clean shaven, it needn't be clean shaven, you can go Abe Lincoln. Abe Lincoln is such a good leader. He had a beard and he thought, but I'm not having a moustache because we all know where that can go.

He had the beard without. Fab I'm not having a moustache because we all know where that can go. Yeah. He had the beard without. Fabulous. Like a big chin strap. Imagine the worry now if the next time we see Obama on the news he's just got a moustache. If they grow a moustache troubles up. People would be worried wouldn't they? That wouldn't be good at all. So that's the texting. What do you think you'd enjoy

about now? Can't we have who's your fave Soviet Premier? No. What do you think you'd enjoy about now? Can't we have Who's Your Fave Soviet Premier? No. Oh, God. What about this for a texting? Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker? What happened? That's a good one.

Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker? I've never picked up a hitchhiker. No, I haven't either. I feel bad about it. I have been picked up as a hitchhiker once or twice. Have you hitchhiked? Once upon a time, yeah. What is wrong with youiker once. Have you hitchhiked? Once upon a time, yeah. What is wrong with you?

Canada. I've hitchhiked. What is wrong with you? Yeah. What was wrong with the person who picked me up? I mean, I was so drunk. To be fair, you were living on the Central Reservation. Were you on the Central Reservation?

Did you just wake up? I disappeared for two years. I was living as his slave in Ohio. Frank the Wild. You know, Ohio, it's only if he only. That's what the kids say. Ohio, only if he only. That's going to catch on.

Yeah. Even though you spell Ohio. Oh, I know. It's only he if only. Yeah. It's a good one for the teenage girls. It means you can look at a guy and think, Ohio.

And it means what you're thinking is, only if he only. As in, if he loved me. The older I. Yeah, and what I'm doing is I'm actually coining youth talk on air. I mean, on air, just like that.

Ping! Youth talk. That'll be everybody will be using OIO, no teenage girls. I might see him in the other states. What about... Mississippi. Hold on, I might need a pencil and paper.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We have to tell you, I'm in the background. Have you seen that advert? What's that Irish golfer called who's really good? Rory McIlroy. Yeah, he does an advert now. Yeah. Man.

I know he's not an actor by trade, but man. He's not a natural born actor. You know, I think that Daniel Day-Lewis would be a better golfer. And he's an... Oh, man. If he isn't now, he would be in a year and a half by the time filming started. Well, can you imagine the work he'd put in? DDL.

Yeah. He's had a delivery company. DDL. He's had a delivery company. Yeah, he does that as well. Does he? Only if he's in training for a role as a postman. He's probably playing.

He's doing the postman all his rings twice. And even though he's not playing a postman, because the word postman is in that. And also, he's being a jeweller as well, because of the rings thing. He's doing that because it's in the title. Yeah. And, er...

Yellow. He's doing it all twice as well. Yeah. Yeah, yellow. Seven, one, five. Yellow. Has texted in. Seven, one, five.

Gregor. It's been a while. Gregor, are we allowed to read this? I think... Yeah. Well, I can tell you the state is Hawaii and... Oh, yeah, we were talking about, we're coining youth expressions this morning. And these acronyms, they are, aren't they?

Yeah, they're acronyms. So Greg Orr says he always wants an interesting intercourse. Oh, intercourse obviously meaning conversation. Exactly, a little less conversation. That'd be good, the kind of boyfriend who isn't just all over you. He wants to chat and he's nice and interested. He's interested in you as a person. You know what I'm saying?

Hawaii. He always wants an interesting intercourse. That's what I like about him. Yeah. I'd say Fai Lo. I wouldn't even say Hawaii. I'd say he's very. And then I'd do one of those hula shimmers.

You can't see it, but you know what I mean? I'd buy Funk Rose Eats for that. It's a. You can't see it but you know when they shake their... It's a webcam opportunity, isn't it? You know in those songs where they have the studio cat? Nail, nail, nail. Studio cat going... I went to the Kodak hula show

once in Honolulu. Did you? I like the brand name. All these ladies all come out and go, at the cold air cooler show, Honolulu. That's great. It's good. It's really tacky. The whole Honolulu area.

Yes, it is. Fabulously tacky. We spent a lot of time in the airport. Charlie and Cheem. Charlie and Cheem, I love. Well, I do, actually. Cartoon character names. That could be like Ruby and the Doss that could be a chain of cafes

imagine if all world leaders took part in Movember oh god that would be that's a really good idea that's brilliant because that would be the end of the world it would because they'd all become so bad that they'd press the button.

They would, definitely. Oh, Matt, don't talk about pressing the button. I'm in the midst of trauma. You're going a bit Soviet again, pressing the button. I might tell you later. OK. What else? Oh, yeah, so I was on about my obsessions before.

What about this for a texting? What obsessions have you had? Yeah. OK. So you have quite high ground. And don't copy me and say tudor britain so you both have barry basara doesn't uh texting that's gonna be a long one it's barry basara tudor britain i don't know if we should say it twice no okay carry on all right we'll move on

in fact i feel you say it best when you say nothing at all yeah but you're think you're right. I get a bit jealous of other people's obsessions, because yours are quite highbrow, aren't they? They're like, oh, glasnost and art and this stuff. Well, mine isn't highbrow. Not bookish, bookish. Not always. There was Zola Bod. Oh, yeah. Mine is a king with syphilis. I wouldn't describe that as...

I don't know if we're clear enough to say that. Yes, we can. It's fine. Yeah, it's a medical term. It's fine. Oh, is it? I thought it was those very sharp fruits. Whereas mine are stuff like, I get obsessed with... When I say those very sharp fruits, can I say I meant... Yes. It wasn't homophobic. I know exactly what you meant.

Those sort of yellow... Do you know what I mean? They're lovely, but they're... Why do they have that scabby leaf on the top? Oh, not a kumquat. I love a kumquat. I love a kumquat. So do I. They're great. When I used to have Action Man,. I love a kumquat. I love a kumquat. So do I. They're great. When I used to have Action Man, I used to give him them as oranges.

Did you? Yeah, so they... I mean, in the tableau, he didn't eat them, obviously. He's an inanimate creature. Yeah, I'm aware. But I'd set him... I'm aware of his work. Maybe a bowl of kumquats in the dog out, you know, when they were up against...

Wow. I'd love to have seen you with your Action Man. What happened to him have you got those toys of really significant toys you know or things that generally that you never remember throwing away but they've gone is this another texting but what is that i never remember throwing away my action man would have been like a big thing for me it would have been like a state thing for me. It would have been like a state funeral. Yeah. It's just gone.

You know what? In a few years, when you're dumping Buzz's toys in the bin, or in the charity shop, you'll realise, this is what happened to my stuff. I've still got big, John. But I, yeah. Tell us during the song. Keep your management out of this. Absolute,

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215 and people are

in their droves. Aren't they? And you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. By the way, I don't know if I told you a friend of mine

from Birmingham has got multiple personalities. He did, yeah, yeah. I just thought for the people who weren't listening, it's such a good joke. Doing the same jokes at the top of the hour. I'm thinking I might do it on the hour, you know, just for those who missed it. Because, you know, it's annoying.

Everyone will be talking about it, and then if you didn't hear it... Yeah. What if everybody's talking about it, and then if you didn't hear it... Yeah. What if everybody's talking about it and Nation discusses? Anyway, so who have we... Who, what, when, what did they say? Who are they? Why?

We've had various missives from the outside world. We've had from Gary Smith. Oh, yeah. That sounds like that ne'er-do-well relative of the Middletons. I hope it is. I like him. The one that lives in Spain.

Oh, yeah. Whose house is called Casa de Bang Bang or something like that? It's a person I would have known ten years ago. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. I once picked up a hitchhiker. Don't panic. It's fine. I've read it.

It's clean. Because I sort of knew the chap and I felt guilty driving past him. That's a lift, isn't it? Yeah. Isn't it a lift if you know them although if they're hitchhiking and you know them then that's a weird yeah when he says he knew him was he a local to use your phrase frank colorful character you know the sort it's the sort of itinerant do you mean drinker yes i do i think you can read a lot into that sort of a sort of new, so you saw a guy who was sort of new.

Picked him up. Felt guilty driving past him, though for all the time he was in the car, I felt nervous. So after that, I used to just drive past him. It's not much of a story, but I thought I'd share it anyway. Thanks, Gary. I think I like it. I do.

If we're doing hitchhiker stories, I can tell the one... Can I just ask a question that just occurred to me? Legally, where would I stand legally? If I hailed a cab and it stopped and I got in and it stopped at my house and when he said that I'll be 18 quid and I said, no, no, I was hitchhiking. Where would that leave me legally? Well, Alan's your man on fiscal issues. Is this another texting? Where would that leave me legally? Well, Alan's your man on fiscal issues.

Is this another texting? Where would that leave me legally? Well, I don't know how many people from the legal profession we have. If there are any black cab drivers, and I think that's a strong demographic for us listening, they should tell us. Yeah, I know what they'd say. I'd get my glove compartment truncheon out.

Yeah. I saw that happen once. Did they have one of those? Well, this one cab driver I saw, he was brilliant, actually. He was just, you know, jollying along down the road. There was three blokes shoving this bloke about.

And he said, excuse me, he just took his truncheon out of the glove compartment and got out and wielded at these guys and they ran off and he rescued this citizen i have to say i was a bit concerned about the meter during the altercation i don't see why i should pay for his bravery i'm already paying for i pay for the police you know for my taxes yeah anyway yeah my wife and i when we were hitchhiking we were in Canada you hitchhiked together? yes oh god you're like that poor

woman she's like those dogs at the homeless take they don't get the nice fireside they have to be out on the bloody, oh sorry I said bloody I'm terribly I apologise I said it last week

we did lots of other travelling with, like, paying, and we said, oh, well, just as an experience, we should hitchhike a bit of it. And in Canada, it's massive. It's enormous. Tightest man in the world. I'm not the tightest man in the world. That's really hurtful.

OK. You're not tight, but you're careful, darling. I'm not that careful either. OK, OK. I bought, like, three things yesterday. things yesterday so on the romantic hitchhiking holiday I know I saw the Primark bag I wouldn't

how did you pitch it to her the hitchhiker I didn't it was a joint decision she's an adult well she's 17 we did the hitchhiking and these Well, she's 17. We did the hitchhiking, and these people stopped. We got in, and of course it's Canada, so the lift we were getting was six hours. It's a massive country.

Alan, that's not a lift, that's a relationship. She did that thing of adjusting her stocking just as they drove past, and then you came out from behind the head. Well, they drove drove past us initially and then reversed towards us. It was a bit strange. They reversed towards us. We got in. How I say that? I like that they were wearing stockings on a hitchhiking holiday. But you know you always see that. I wore the stockings. Oh yeah. Oh I've done it to get

black cabs. Easy. My little tip by the way if anyone's thinking of hitchhiking using the old stockings technique make sure that they're on your leg and not over your head. Yeah. It's so difficult to get people to stop with the laser. It really helped once we'd rumbled that problem.

Yeah, well, let me come back, and if I can I bookmark this anecdote, because I'm warming to it fabulously. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about high tops? To me... High top boots, we should say, like, for wear. Y...about high tops. To me... High top boots, we should say, like... Oh, YOLO high tops?

What's happened to us? My problem is what they did to the... A trouser is not happy with a high top. They are pushed aside, crumpled. So you have to go a bit twist and pulse and wear shorts all the time. People are wearing skinny jeans now. You see, they suit the skinny jeans.

Yeah, it reminds me like those. Do you remember those two animated pipe cleaners, Frederic and Philopat? I think they were East European. Did they watch films in silhouette? I don't know. Is this another texting? If anyone remembers

Frederic and Philip, I'd be really impressed. They sound like friends of my parents. They were animated pipe cleaners, but they had like quite big,

like shoe type ankle things. And that's what it reminds you of, the skinny jean and the high top. Anyway, you know,

we were talking about a hitchhiker. We just had, Al, to take us into the rest of your anecdotes, Sam has just texted us to say, I picked about a hitchhiker. We've just had Al to take us into the rest of your anecdotes. Sam has just texted us to say, I picked up a hitchhiker on the M40. He turned out to be a roadie for the Sex Pistols.

They'd done a gig in High Wycombe. The roadies had been given a case of beer after they'd packed up the van, and while they went back in the venue to drink it, someone nicked the van. That's from Sam Scott. That's a good story for the roadie. That's one of those stories that he'll tell when he's like,

I used to be a roadie and this happened. That's good. Whereas our story's not that exciting. I should say that it's hitchhiking day. Let's call it, not the whole day, let's call it Rutger Hauer. Nice. Oh, I love it.

I'm not sure how we got to hitchhiking, but anyway, we got in the car and this Canadian couple, elderly, said hello and they set off. My wife and I are talking to them. Can I just stop? It's not often you hear brackets used in casual conversation, but this Canadian couple, elderly, that was perfect use of verbal brackets.

I do a lot of brackets in emails as well. My bottle of water here in the studio is in brackets every Saturday morning because Sarah, the assistant producer, leaves a banana either side of it curled around. It's excellent. I've eaten one now, so... So it's closed brackets. Yeah, it's very much closed brackets but there's no open bracket

anyway so we talked to them for i would say probably about an hour nothing they didn't turn and answer us at all so we're thinking this is a very weird lift they didn't speak that well they said hello and then set off and then just it felt like they were ignoring us and we're saying yeah thanks for the lift it's nice isn't it and and then an hour in one of them turned around and went oh by the way he's deaf in that ear and i'm deaf in that they were deaf on each side of their head but the critically important side if you were leaning through the car to speak to them and then they turned out to be lovely but it was quite um you see my problem with that then if i knew that i'd be how far can you go What is the worst thing we can say about these people?

From a courage point of view. How abusive would we be prepared to be in trusting their deafness? Because deafness, it can waver. But if you really got up, yeah, just how brave are you? No, this is what I'm going to say. God, that'd be a great game. If you know an old couple who are deaf in one ear, why not play that this weekend?

Because people just sit home and watch the telly instead of being more proactive. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Boys, we need to talk about Kim. Boys. Yes. We need to talk about Kim. Boys, Yes. We need to talk about Kim. Boys, boys, boys.

It would have been a great Korean movie. Yes. Well, this is not Kardashian. This is Kim Jong-un. Yes. And I've got a bit of an obscure crush on him, I have to say. He's a bit Elvis. He's a bit young Elvis, I think.

I'll tell you what I like. I've always thought it looks really cool, that very short sides on hair. Sort of buzz cut. I love that. Yeah, he's got a great buzz cut. Brilliant, brilliant hair. He's got a high top.

Brilliant hair. Not a great human rights record. But no moustache, so he's probably okay. Well, yeah, exactly. I think that's what we should look... I don't know if they... Do you think that bodes well? They're not good at moust Well, yeah, exactly. I think that's what we should look... I don't know if they... Do you think that bodes well? They're not good at moustaches, the Orientals.

Eel wasn't a fan either. I don't know where Oon stands, but Eel wasn't a fan. Was it on here that I was bemoaning the loss of the fuma and tumour stuff? Yes, I think it might have been. Very probably. Why doesn't he get one of those? Why don't you ask him? He seems a reasonable guy.

You should look into that. He's been having a sort of bromance with dennis rodman former basketball star have you heard about this it's one of the most remarkable it's one of my favorite pairings that i've ever seen in photograph history it's it's it's my favorite politician stroke celebrity pairing since george the first and peter the one they're such an unlikely pairing. I believe that this may be the beginning of a cop film.

That's how unlikely friends they are. I can't imagine they aren't about to solve a crime together whilst not getting on all the way. That's right. Rodman and who? Although they are getting on. Yeah, Rodman let out a state secret, didn't he,

when he went back to America and said, oh, yeah, he's got a daughter. He doesn't understand. They're quite secretive there. Him and Kim. Him and Kim. Him and Kim. That's the programme.

Yeah. I like that. Yeah. No, he doesn't. If only it had been Mel Gibson, it would have been perfect. Mel and Kim. Oh, what a chance they missed there. Is it too late? Yeah, I think it is. I think there's more of a chance you'd get on been Mel Gibson, it would have been perfect. Mel and Kim. What a chance they missed there. Is it too late?

Yeah, I think it is. I think there's more of a chance you'd get on with Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson, I think. I think Mel Gibson might be a bit more a right wing. And Kim Jong-un. Yeah, or whatever Kim... I don't know what wing they are, really. I imagine them...

I like to think they've become sort of... Because he called him friends for life. He said, he's my friend for life. Well, the last time I saw an example of Dennis Rodman in friendship mode was when he left the Big Brother house and turned to the remaining men and went, hey, string fellows. I wonder if he said that to Kim Jong-un as they left. Hey, Kim, string fellows.

I'll be there. I think friends for life is North Korean for bezzy mates, innit? That's it. They're bezzy mates now. I think he might have given him one of those sort of Clinton's cards with the teddy bear holding a heart. I hope he did that. Ah, brilliant.

But he did say... So, firstly, he's sung like a canary. He's revealed too much information about the regime. They're not very open. They like to keep things... But there was only one photo in circulation of Kim Jong-un aged 11 it was a bit carlos the jackal for about 20 years that's the only photo yeah yeah i believe he now features you know i used to be a massive fan of kim jong-il looking at things that website there's pictures of his dad just looking at things

they've now got um kim jong-un looking at things as well. And it's just him at a factory looking at a biscuit. And it is something they go to. Can you believe this? This is the kind of regime they've got. They go to biscuit factories and stuff and they don't wear the white hat. You know when you saw Margaret

Thatcher at a biscuit factory? Or Tim Vine for example. They don't care. Yeah. Tim Vine. We've not had any texting about Kim Jong-un or Dennis Rodman thus far. Really? It's been a very communicative show so far, but it seems like people are perplexed, perhaps. But Dennis Rodman has tried to intervene politically,

which I don't like it when they do that, the celebrities. You don't think that's his role? Well, he did say... We're shooting into democracy. We can all intervene politically. That's what it's about. He says he loves basketball, and so does President Obama, so they have that in common.

And there is even more they could talk about if Obama would just pick up the phone and call him. Yeah, I didn't like that. It felt a bit like my mate fancies you. I didn't like that. I don't bit like My Mate Fantasies. I didn't like that. I don't want Dennis Rodman being a go-between in international affairs. What about if he brought about...

I must say, the frustrating thing for me is I've just made this series for Channel 5 called Frank Skinner's North Korea. And I feel that I've been slightly... You missed a pun there. You could have had Frank Skinner's comedy career. Yeah, but it's a very serious stuff. Non-comedy career.

You take it very seriously. Yeah, I don't want to have a programme called Frank Skinner's non-comedy career. Why not? Well, I've already got I Love My Country to look forward to. Frank! So, I... I... Did you get... I, um...

Did you get... I've been to North... Did you get what we call access in the trade? I've been to North Korea. Have you? Shut up. I have. No.

I have, um... Hang on, is this one of your flights of fancy? No. Oh, no. Oh, you say flights of fancy, I call them lies. Let's call the whole thing... Untruths. Yeah. No, I've been... I have been i've stepped i've stepped across the border yeah i was in south korea and when you go to up to the border there's a a hot

and down the middle of the hot is a line and you go one side of the line and you're in south korea and the other side or you can straddle. Like David Hasselhoff did. Yeah, he straddled. That was the war, wasn't it? He's now fighting to keep the war up. Did you know that? No. Is he?

Because there's a bit of war left, they're going to knock it down. And he's leading the campaign to keep that war as a serious monument, basically to one gig that he did. Yeah. Anyway, so I stood and i went there and uh i i was with the american army and they gave me binoculars and i looked across at a sort of a lookout point and there was a korean man um looking back at me with binoculars military figure and i waved to him and uh i did i waved to he didn't wave back can you believe that Can you believe that? If he'd have waved back, we wouldn't have needed Rodman.

You could have ran into the middle and played football together. Pipes apiece. Well, we played football, but we played our side of the thing. I refereed a football match between the Americans and the South Korean soldiers. Is that right? I'm not making this up. You look across and it looks like there's a big... I said I thought it was poor.

Look at that fabulous city over there. And he said, oh, yeah, look a bit closer at that. And it was like it was two-dimensional. It was just they'd put up these big... They call that Potemkin villages. Yeah. I don't like that. At a time we're making 3D movies, they're making 2D cities.

I love that. And they play this sort of martial operatic music, blast out across as well. So obviously I went and knocked on the door of one of the 2D buildings and said, can you pipe down a bit? It was an interesting experience. We're talking about Potemkin facades on Absolute Radio this morning. What's your favourite Potemkin facade?

It's been a very oppressive regime morning on here. But you know, I don't know if that's a bad thing. The fact is, I didn't make a list of things I wanted to do by the time I was 40, so I have to improvise. It's as simple as that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. that frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio what about this

yes we finally got there folks we've arrived in that that little oasis of calm like it's a bit je bit Jeff Lloyd, that. We'll be staying in it for some time, because the email I'm about to read is quite a long one, but stick with me. Hi, Frank, the Divine Emily and Mr Cockles. I'm... Yeah. I'm currently living in Australia

and listen every week to your podcast. The other evening, the local wildlife provided me with inspiration for a television show that would ideally star Frank and Mr Cochran. That's me. OK. Sorry about that, eh? My inspiration is a small lizard that has taken up residence in my bathtub and is unable to scramble out,

yet when I attempt to catch him and release him outside, he bolts down the plug hole. As we have reached a stalemate, and I always shower instead of bathing anyway, we've formed an entente cordiale. Is that how you say it? Entente cordiale. Yeah.

And live in harmony. I was going to leave. I was so embarrassed I couldn't speak. I just chucked a bit of extra vowel sounds in. You did? As I looked into his kind yet terrified little face, I came up with the title of a new light entertainment television show. Oh.

Well, we're probably available, aren't we? In Gecko and the Funny Men, Frank Skinner and Alan Cochran visit houses where small lizards have taken up residence and learned that sometimes... David Icke? ...the coldest blood have the warmest hearts. Scientifically accurate as well. I like that. The coldest blood of the warmest hearts. Scientifically accurate as well.

I like that. The coldest blood of the warmest hearts. I once worked with a tortoise. You've worked with them all, haven't you? Yeah, but that's no way to speak about Vanessa Redgrave. I worked with a tortoise, and what I found, it was quite a hot day. And if you held the tortoise very close to your face, the breath that leaves a tortoise's nostrils...

I'm saying tortoise in Saluto. I always used to say tortoise. But it's one of the things, I've become more sophisticated. Yeah. Cold air comes out of his nostrils. No way. So you know those little fans, which are a bit fiddly and often break?

Get a tortoise. Really? Oh, it's lovely when it breaks out. Well, I did have one, but I'm afraid it died in a croquet incident. Oh, dear. Yeah. Did you live in Alice in Wonderland? No.

But we had a lawn and we played croquet, and anyway, the tortoise died. A neighbour killed it during a game of croquet. It's a terrible story. I can't imagine how that happened, unless the neighbour arrived by steamroller. With a mallet. Anyway, so as you were...

The chap continues, I believe the show pretty much writes itself and I shall see Channel 5 and ITV2 in this email conversation. Already trying to create a bidding war, I like his work. What I'm worried about is that we've got a gecko in and we haven't found a place for Michael Greco. Oh, yeah. That seems wrong. Do you remember that advert in the papers?

Enjoy the Marbella Sun with Michael Greco for a golfing holiday. It's one of the best things that's ever happened. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I should just say that that email that was suggesting Gecko and the Funny Men, he does add, unfortunately, my sexist title excludes Emily from the show, so as compensation, if the lovely Miss Dean should find herself in the Melbourne area, nice place for the world, apparently, in the next three weeks, then I have a Groupon 60% off dining voucher that's near expiry,

and I could wish for no greater dining companion. And that's from Declan, originally from Donegal. I think you and him will get on. I think he and I have got a lot in common. There's a bit of me that's thinking wow, Groupon's in Australia. There's a bit of me that's thinking what is Groupon?

That's no joke. No, well that's that's tremendous we've had a text in as well can I say I heard a programme on Radio 4 the other day about them trying to find

oil in in Ireland in the dorky area you know where you two have got oh yes I don't think they're dorks

are they you rascal and I couldn't think they're dorks, are they? No. You. You're old school. And I couldn't believe it was about looking for oil in Ireland and it wasn't called emerald oil. Oh, yeah. Oh, what a mess. Who are these people?

Why don't they just call me? Next. 740 has texted in turtle wipeout. Very good. In reference to my seized turtle. That's very texted in turtle wipeout. Very good. In reference to my seized turtle. That's very good, turtle wipeout. I'd watch that programme as well, but I don't know how popular it would be with PETA.

I don't mean PETA check. Actually, if I might send them a check. If I sent them animal rights, it'd be a PETA check. Anyway, carry on. Have we got time for a secondary email? Who knows what we've got time for. Daisy? No. No, she said. Can you believe that? You see,

again, you think I run riot on this show, but in fact I'm under a very strict regime. Honestly, it's like 50 Shades of Grey. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Speaking of Twitter, this friend of mine, she has this multiple personality. Oh no, is she okay? Yeah, I think she'll be alright. Oh good. Okay. That's that done then. We should speak about a news story.

I'm not aware of this lady's work but Loose Women star Andrea McLean. Is that how you say Andrea? Andrea? Andrea? I think Andrea. Is it McLean or McClang? Oh, my goodness. Anyway, who cares about pronunciation? She's off of Loose Women.

She's off of Loose Women, but also she's off the telly. She's a weather girl, isn't she? Oh, is she? She was a weather girl. She's gone up in the world. I didn't like the way your interest was a bit piqued when Frank said... I like the use of the word piqued. Because mine troughed. She got a part in a film and...

She got out too soon. Now is the time to be a weather girl. On a day like this, you must be thinking, God, what did I quit too early? Yeah, I'd be all over the goggle box. I've missed out on the whole global warming boom. I'd have been brought in as an expert on things, and now look at me, I'm doing a little swimming.

That job, as we know, they're ruthless. They can go any moment from there. It's like being a football manager. It is. It is. She got this part in this film called A Landscape of Lies. Oh, I like it. It was a £20 million gangster film.

How much did it cost? It was a £20 million gangster film. Doing good, Nicola. I don't know. When was this a film? I don't know if she got the £20 million. No, but she was a... No.

She got a bus fare home. It turned out to be a fraud. It was a cover-up. But they actually gave her the job and some other actors, including Mark Bannerman from EastEnders. Oh, you see, that's got to hurt Greco, hasn't it? Because they were the Beppe DeMarcos.

I think that was one character's name. No, but I called them the Beppe DeMarcos. Mark Bannerman was Gianni, I think, if I remember rightly. I love your knowledge of this period of EastEnders. Can I just say? It's one of my favourite things about you. No, I used to watch it in those days, and I remember. In fact, as he said to me, Gianni, remember me. Anyway, carry on.

And the mom, of course, was Louise Jameson, who used to be Tom Baker's companion. Is that right? He got that on his Doctor Who alerts. Yeah, of course. He was complaining. Can I say he was complaining this morning about his Doctor Who alerts? Because he was getting spam alerts.

He said, oh, they tell you about other things and he doesn't like that. My Doctor Who alerts should be about Doctor Who, whereas what they do, they have a lot of... Like, it's about Broadchurch a lot just lately because David Tennant is in Broadchurch. When they leave the series, they don't exist, as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to know what... Soviet Russia. What's going to be next, David Tennant's on Christinachurch. When they leave the series, they don't exist, as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to know what... Soviet Russia.

What's going to be next, David? Tennant's on Christine O'Connell's show? Yeah. You're not bothered, are you? Forget about it. Having said that, if I met him, I'd be like a giggling child. You'd be like a rat up a drainpipe trouser.

Well, I'd be so far as to say that. So anyway, they made the film. They had to make the film. Hold on, so they made the film. Well, they'd done it as a tax scam. No, it was a scam. And the Inland Revenue started sniffing around.

I hate it when they do that. Well, so do I. But they then thought, oh my God, we'd better make this film quickly so that we've got something to show and then it went to mrc and then it ended up winning an award what but i've seen a clip of this hastily cobbled together film have you seen it it looks rather good it doesn't look hastily cobbled together it does rather andrew mclean plays a sex therapist bisexual sex therapist all right yeah right. Yeah, she's good. That's the absolute right idea.

Eleven minutes past ten. All acceptable, well, acceptable Mexican. But she's some, what I was thinking, though, is Andrew McLean, I think at Loose Women, she's going to be given it the big and a bit around that green room at Loose Women. I bet she was boasting a lot. Denise Welsh wouldn't have liked that. And then it turns out it's a scam.

Yeah, I feel sorry for a lot of actors because it turns out when they get a job, that's their time to sort of brag about it and then suddenly they find out it's part of a complex VAT fraud. It's terrible. I feel sorry for the producer, Jimmy Carr. That was his first big movie. I feel sorry for Danny Dyer. Why wasn't he cast?

If it's a low budget, rich gangster film, he should have been in it. I think we should. What about, I mean, let's not mention it in front of the cockerel, but he wasn't asked even to do a film that was just a text touch. This is the man who used to be the asthmatic. What was it?

Jason the asthmatic. Always and everyone. How the mighty have fallen. Yeah. the asthmatic what was it what was jason the asthmatic always and everyone had the mighty fallen yeah absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio this fake film that we uh we just talked about say fake film the film that was a tax dodge i know we try not to read out daily mail comments on the show but one of my favourite ones, somebody said they should make a film out of this. Oh yeah. Make a film out of the fake film fraud.

That's not a bad idea. It's not a bad idea. I do try and resist. Shall we do it? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know we were going to leap from that suggestion to us doing it. I'm thinking we should. We're about due now for a film, aren't we, us three? I didn't know we were going to leap from that suggestion to us doing it. I'm thinking we should. What roles would we be thinking?

We're about due now for a film, aren't we, us three? You're thinking it could bring your tax bill down, is that what you're thinking? No, but, you know, I think it's about... For example, what about this for a commercial idea? Not involving us, a commercial idea. If it was down to me and I was going to be a... If I was going to be a theatrical impresario... With a cloak.

Yeah, I would get calendar girls on the road with all the women played by the Loose Women cast. You'd be packed with middle-aged women throughout. It'd be brilliant. But I thought about us three, right, and do a bit of gender, a bit of gender swapping. Right.

Right? This is the worst idea ever. Emily as Prince Charles. Yeah. Prince Charles! Alan as Diana, and me as Camilla Parker-Miles. We can do the, there are three people in this marriage thing.

That sounds good, yeah. I mean, I'd need virtually no make-up. I'd need a bit. If I'm playing Lady Di. You'd need a blonde wig and shave that beard off. I'm going to have to find some suit at Oxfam. You're just going to have to stop dying for a couple of weeks. Yeah, I will. Happily do that.

Oh, well, it's the next step for us, I think. Shall we go back to the corner? Yes, shall we? I'm not going to press the jingle because we don't have time. No. So I'm going to... This is from Jim in Wiltshire. Oh, Jim.

He says... I wonder if he lives near Stonehenge. Well, I'm hoping so. My parents would always point that out to us on the way there. Whenever I hear the thing... Whenever anyone says to me, you know, I was in Wiltshire, I went through Wiltshire, I've come from Wiltshire, I always think, anywhere near Stonehenge.

Everyone says that to them. Is it the A404? Why do I know that? I don't know, but you love roads. I don't. I just think it might be, though. So Jim says, hiya, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. I found myself a couple of urinals along from frank at the vfi on sunday just before the doctor who's screening is this a spraying complaint well no oh good it says i really

wanted to say how much i love your show but it didn't seem an appropriate moment to embark on a conversation and i doubt in the circumstances if you would have been prepared to shake my hand. Indeed. I'm always tense at a urinal. So what is the correct celeb in gents etiquette? Should I have said hello or does the standard stare straight ahead in silence protocol override all others? That is all. I think what you have to do is you have to wait till I'm outside and then do it. I think you have to go outside, get out first, even if you have to pull out early on the act, and then wait outside.

The act? You know, if... The act? I don't want to say. The passing of water. The passing of water. And then wait outside, and then we could have spoke about the old days.

Jim also says, I realise with regret that my very mention of Doctor Who means that any attempt at a Knight's move on Emily will be doomed to failure. It was a great day out, that Doctor Who event. I don't know why people always think that people who are into Doctor Who are sort of weirdos. I can't imagine. No, I can't. I find them to be warm-hearted and extremely bright people. If a little confused about toilet etiquette.

Well, this guy is a good question. What do you do? I think the guys at Forbidden Planet are a good dating pool, frankly. Well, I just, I find, I know people take them in, but every sci-fi event I've ever been to, people just seem very bright. They are bright.

They don't bath much, but they're bright. We've had news in, it's the A303, not the 404, which is near Maidenhead, so it's good of Fiona to clear that up. Thank you very much. Yeah, see? So you think we mean no good with maps? I don't think that. How would you put that in my mouth? Is that how I would say that? You're a man,

aren't you? No, not really. Are you not a man? Not a very manly man. Well, then maybe you can look at this script I've written about the Prince Diana. I met Katie Manning at that. You know Katie Manning used to be another companion. You know Katie Manning?

No. No. Okay, well, she's very nice. She's a very good, well-known actress. And we spoke, and she held my hand throughout the conversation. And I said, how lovely, Katie Manning. The whole time she spoke to me, she held my hand. And this guy said, yeah, she's myopic.

That's why. And sometimes, on one occasion, she was speaking to someone, they walked away, and she carried on speaking. Ever since then, she holds them close. What a clever idea, if there's anyone who's short-sighted. Remember that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had quite a strange hitchhiking story, though, which I'd like to share with you. Oh, well, this is hitchhiking. Don't mind. It's Hitchhikers. In case you don't know, it's Hitchhikers Weekend on Absolute Radio, where a lot of the shows are continuing this theme. And Christian O'Connell is hitchhiking to Inverness with his team,

and that's all being taped that'll be on the show next week looking forward to it this is from ashley hi frank i lived in dubai as a boy one day we took a trip to a neighboring emirate where we met a bedwin next to his broken down truck love it so far yeah me too i can hear the sand swirling we gave him a lift to the nearest town not being able to communicate my mum offered our hitchhiker a lift to the nearest town. Not being able to communicate, my mum offered our hitchhiker a biscuit from the pack we'd taken along for the trip. Our hitchhiker probably hid

the entire packet under his caftan and they were never to be seen again. Betty threw them away at the garage as well. Is there going to be a... It feels like there should be a punchline. I thought there was going to be a hobnob joke or something. He then says, talk about taking the biscuit. That's from Ashley.

Huh? In Bangkok. That's strange. Yes. And it doesn't paint the Arab world in a good light. No. I think we should say this is a one-off character. Yeah.

And... We don't want the Arab world suing us for defamation, do we? No, I mean, you know my book, Understanding Arabs, is still selling quite well. Well, I was going to say, Frank, you're the perfect person to deal with this kind of correspondence. Well, you know... I wonder how the sales of that have gone since we've launched it. I don't agree that one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch, girl.

It was a biscuit, to be fair. Yeah, you know, OK. It could have also been a misunderstanding. We know there was a language barrier. When they said, have a biscuit, they might have thought he said put these under your caftan, we'll say no more about it. You with me? I'm with you. We've had some texts in.

Oh yeah? Stuart has suggested could be a good subject, famous people you've shared a urinal with. Well not shared it, well I suppose a urinal. Mine is Brian Lara and Mark Thomas. You're reading that as Stuart there aren't you, not shared it. Well, I suppose it's about a urinal. Mine is Brian Lara and Mark Thomas. You're reading that as Stuart there, aren't you?

Not you. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. Brian Lara. No, I've only shared with Richard Wilson once. It's an Auburn still on offer, Emily. Thank you, Stuart.

Oh, OK. That is a good texting, people you've shared a urinal with. Mine is the Liverpool player, Habel Xavier. Is that how you say that? Yeah. That's a good one. I don't know who else. I've done several sort of ex-footballers because

Yes, I bet you have. When you go into the press lounge at West Brom, there's a toilet there and there's often some Alan McAnally or someone might be in there or so. Or John Aldridge, I think, was in there once. Oh, really?

We've also had a couple of texts that are two sides of the same coin. Someone called Locretus has emailed saying, shut up and play more music. Right. And the other side of the coin is usually listen on the podcast. What you need to do, Lucretius, is get a CD. Lucretius, the Roman Emperor, I love him. Yeah.

Lucretius. He was a tyrant. The attitude of a Roman Emperor. The other side of the same coin is usually listen on podcasts, but listening to radio today, music and adverts are getting on my nerves. And there you have the fabulous variety of the human race. I wouldn't have normally read the nega, the negative person. It's okay.

I respect those opinions. It's just if we've got both sides, I feel like it's balanced and it's not as damaging. Yeah. But yeah, we won't be shutting up. Just put your CD player on. No, but you know. They don't have those in ancient Rome I want to win

Lucratius Lucratius yeah I want to win them over be they male female I have an email from ancient Rome

or even fictional yeah I know that they're listening now saying I saw music or in fact they're saying oh god have we mentioned on the radio I've decided I like talking they're listening now saying, I saw me on you. Or in fact, they're saying, oh, got to be mentioned on the radio. I've decided I like talking there better than music.

I'm a long-time reader and English teacher here in the German Black Forest. Oh. Lovely. Lovely. Last week, I had prepared... Hold on, hold on. Can you start this again? Oh, OK.

I'm a long-time reader and English teacher here in the German Black Forest. Keep going. Last week I had prepared an English exercise and proudly declared to my advanced student, Tim, this should be right up your straza. Ah. To which he replied in a German accent, oh, wow, do you really say that in England?

Could the lovely Emily please explain to poor Tim that it's one of her trademark ejaculations? In return, Tim and I would be very happy to introduce Emily to some of the local gatto, should she be in our neck of the forest. That's all, Tamsin. Oh, thanks, Tamsin. That's lovely. And what I like about that is, as the music, the middle of the road music continued, your voice got a bit more hay and what about this?

I was battling it. In case you're wondering what that music was, it was Hearst Jankowski with A Walk in the Black Forest, which was quite a big hit. Yeah, and I'm always happy to hear about Black Forest Ghetto. It reminds me of my childhood, Sarah Lee. Reminds me of when I used to eat carbs. Well, that music reminds me of my childhood.

And Hearst Jankowski looks a lot like George Michael. Of course, if he brought out a song called A Walk in the Black Forest, it'd be a whole different ballgame. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I needed the pass just now because I needed to go to the latrines and Sarah wasn't around and she's just confessed that she wasn't around

because she said, I'm sorry, I had to go and get my hand cream. That's quite a strange excuse, if you don't mind me saying. I have to say, it is a strange, but I, for the first time in my life, recently have started using hand cream. How are you finding it? Well, it's lost me a lot of trapeze work. I'll be honest with you. But that's my problem, is I do eat, and then I go on my Kindle,

and it's covered in smears. Oh, yeah. I don't think they're a good combo, the Kindle and hand cream combo. No, but what are you supposed to do? I don't like the way this is going. No, but what do you do after hand? I don't like the way this is going. No, but what do you do after hand cream? Because you are, you have got slippy... Don't you just dab on a towel

after you've done it? Is that what... Well, what's the point? I have, I put it on throughout the day. You have to once you get to a woman of my age has to. But you've got a lovely soft skin. Thank you so much. Yeah, I've still got that. It's, um, it's in the wardrobe. We've had some urinal...

Petter will be phoning up now. It's all right, it's human. We have had an email that's entitled, Frank Skinner, who I've shared a urinal with. There is a dash. I don't think he's suggesting that he's shared a urinal. We've done that one, haven't we? Hi, everyone. I hope you're well. I was on the St Clair ferry in the 1980s.

It travels from Aberdeen to Shetland. It was a fairly rough journey, and I went to the urinal only to find I was standing next to Elvis Costello. Fantastic. The ship lurched, and, yeah, he wasn't best pleased, but I just smiled. Elvis was en route to the Shetland Folk Festival. I wouldn't be surprised if he's since written a song about the incident. I think the ship lurched and there was an accident.

As Frank Spencer would say, we're in a bit of trouble. Is someone going to say accidents will happen? And I was made moist by the boy at my side. Very excellent. I had a strange Elvis Costello. But anyway, it's for another time. We don't have time now. My dad shared a urinal aboard HMS Bristol, this is Ben,

which was docked in Vancouver with Mick Fleetwood. That's good. My dad, I think, was once shared a urinal with Dave Vancouver on a ferry that was docked in Fleetwood. That's a weird... Do you remember Dave Vancouver? No. He was...

He's a big fan of the Brigade Wescott. Oh, was he? Oh, God, yeah, he loved it. In a sort of Beatle way. Pretty Virgo, he was wearing those. Like a pearly king. Yeah. He was a guy, he used to do

shadow puppetry. Oh, yeah. Very elaborate. wearing those. Like a pearly king. Yeah. He was a guy, he used to do shadow puppetry. Oh yeah. Very elaborate, with like an OHP. And he'd have like, oh, a man would come in with a dog, and then there'd be another man talking. You're thinking, all with two hands. Incredible. That was Dave

Vancouver, who I just made up. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Before we go, could we please discuss this extraordinary woman

who managed to get herself into a child's high chair. Did you see this photograph? I did. It's been everywhere this week, that picture. In case you don't know, it's a teenager. 19. Who, I don't know, we don't know the background of whether she'd been... Well, I think we do. She's clearly a student, because who else would do that? And is she a student?

She must be. And she sat in a child's high chair and got wedged. And the picture is her sort of lying on the floor on her phone it's toppled it's toppled or she's laid down she's on like a pink iPhone looking smug I thought looking a bit smug I didn't warm

to her I thought drunk because it says at a party we can't say she was drunk though she may have had a drink she may not we can say she was a student though was she a student yeah I believe she was drunk though. She may have had a drink, she may not. We can say she was a student though. Was she a student? Yeah, I believe she was. Anyway, what she was was trapped in a high chair. We're all students in many ways.

We are of life. She was trapped in a high chair and the firefighters came to rescue her from a high chair and one of the firemen said you would have thought she would have known better at that age. Zing. That's putting her in a place, isn't it?

You see, we've used cones and when we did hijinks it was cones traffic cones on the way whereas now cliched students yeah we were cliched students they've got little kiddies and things now maybe that's why they've got high chairs i wouldn't feel too good though if um if my house burnt down with all my family in it and the fire and said so sorry about where to stop off because a teenager got wedged in a... True enough. ...high chair. If I'd got stuck in it,

I'd have just faced it out and told everybody that I was a tennis umpire. I'd have just gone... I'd have just gone around... Faced it out? Yeah. I have to take that. When I go out for dinner with Stephen Merchant,

I take that with me anyway. High chair. It's a good idea. When I go to the Hampton Court maze, being a naturally helpful person, I go in my high chair and just call out instructions. She could have done all those things. Instead, she'd just lay there on a pink iPhone, get over it.

You didn't help. It's not like you object to the colour of the iPhone. It just says something about the person. Yeah, I'll tell you what's interesting, though. They like pranks. She was so tightly held by the high chair. I don't know if you've studied this picture, but even on her side, it kept her muffin top completely in place.

Oh, my God. And I think that's an interesting tip for people. You know, sometimes when you lie down, your muffin top sags. This kept it right up there, right up there firm. Such was the strength of its grip, so well done. The high chair is girdled, is that what you're suggesting? I'll tell you what, though, when we told this story, that Sarah, our young assistant producer, said,

I looked at that picture, it was the funniest thing I ever... This is what happens when you become a parent. You become such a stuffy... I thought to myself, where is that child going to have breakfast the next morning? And that's what's happened to me, guys. So be warned. Once you cross the house, you don't go back.

So look, thanks very much for everyone who texted and that today. Even the person who hated us. There's room for all in our church. Yeah, they still pay 50p to tell us, and that makes me feel better. Okay, so if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. We love you all. Thank you.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.