The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Spoiler Alert

Episode Date: March 30, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Steve Hall. They discuss books that make you cry, Em's debut on Deal or no Deal and Prince Harry's hair disaster.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Today I am with not only Emily Dean but also Steve Hall has returned. Good morning. Hi Steve. Steve Hall in the house. See how many buildings I can get into one. Okay, so welcome back Steve. It's always a joy to have you on. Thanks. I'm delighted to be back.

I always get quite jealous when I listen to the cockerel. Oh, yeah? I sort of wish illness upon him. Oh, my goodness. Do you really? Have you got a cockerel who you stick pins in at home? Yeah, yeah. I met up with him before.

A real one? We had dinner on the Friday the other week before. You're socialising with a cockerel now? I'm not sure about that. I didn't know the staff got together behind my back. Why weren't we invited? had dinner on the Friday the other week. I was not sure of it. I didn't know the staff got together behind my back. Why weren't we invited? I was trying to make him ill. I was just trying to cough on his food while he was...

People just go, they don't want to hear that. There's people coughing on their food at home. Also, I've had a disturbing week. What's happened? Disturbing. Do you ever read a book that genuinely upsets you? I don't mean, you know, like, I don't know, Camp David. No.

I mean like a novel that you find... I read The Road by Cormac McCarthy this week. Oh, yes. I'm familiar. I was properly, I mean, properly upset. Properly disturbed. And it was affecting my, you know, the way I reacted

to other people. I became bleaked out, which I think is a title of Charles Dickens. So it's a bit... I cried, in fact. I properly cried. It's like post-nuclear. I suppose it's America.

That's never been made clear. Oh, right. OK. So it's a father and his son trekking across a post-nuclear wasteland. Oh, lovely. Yeah. You know, that's a bit of cannibalism. But, you know, you think, I can't tell you.

I don't know. I mean, I'm a big book fan, but I associate crying and getting upset more with films. Were you crying all the way through? No, no. Or was there any individual bits? Well, obviously, I mean, spoiler alert, but I mean, towards the end, I lost it.

And it's quite difficult to read when you're crying. Yes, especially Tears on the Kindle. I won't tolerate it. And it's quite difficult to read when you're crying. Yes, especially tears on the Kindle. I won't tolerate it. Tears on my Kindle, in my heart. Is this because you, being a child of the Cold War, did the nuclear panic? I suppose it made me think, you know, let's face it, I don't really anticipate, I mean, I know North Korea occasionally throw the hero hat into the ring, but I don't really anticipate nuclear war anymore like I did when I was growing up.

Yeah, I think of it as a bit 80s. I suppose it made me think of broken Britain, if I'm going to be absolutely honest. And then I started thinking, where did it all go wrong, broken Britain? Where did it all go wrong, broken Britain? And I think I've nailed it down to a documentary that was on in 1969 called The Royal Family. All right. Have you ever heard of it? It was a fly-on-the-wall sort of documentary about the Royal Family,

in which, at last, we were allowed to see those normal people. And after that, British society collapsed. And was it the Duke of Edinburgh and a young Prince Charles walking through a nuclear wasteland? That would have been brilliant. I bet they were wearing kilts. They were always wearing kilts, weren't they, for those documentaries? They loved the kilts. Talking about the goons.

Yeah. Oh, they love a goon. So, yeah, I think that's where it all went wrong. Do you know that two-thirds of the population watched that documentary? But it's never, ever, ever been repeated. And the theory is that the royal family watched it and thought, we've made the worst mistake.

Now people think we're ordinary people. All sense of order in society will break down. And they were spot on. Anyway, I'm now reading Doctor Who and the Loch Ness Monster, which I really needed to read something that wouldn't upset me so much. But I would like to... Can I just say it's been hoo-hoo-hoo this morning? Sorry, Frank.

But I didn't... It's a big night tonight. Is it? What's the night? The second part of the series begins tonight. Oh. So I can't remember. I think 101 Dalmatians I think I cried at a book. Oh, did you?

I have a big issue with literary animal deaths. I've never cried at the big issue. I mean, that's a tremendous social conscience on your part. Now, I... When we come to this, if anyone else... I think it's quite tremendous social conscience on your part. Now, I... Well, we'll come to this. If anyone else... I think it's quite weird to cry at a book. I think I cry at films a lot,

but if anyone of our readers have ever cried at a book, just text us what book it was, and I'm going to see how many teary books I can read on the trot. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a fantastic response to your What Books Have Made You Cry recently.

OK. Text in. In fact, we've had so many that I'm losing track of them all. Frank, the road is horrifically bleak. I accidentally took an ex-girlfriend to see the movie on her first date. I can't face the film now. Having caught only a snippet of a good review on the radio. Whoops.

Although we did go back to her place straight after to prove we were both still alive. Great success. You could call that having won for the road. Exactly. I think it sounds like it's worth getting our DVD. What a strange response. I didn't feel like that at all.

Yeah. Some people go to the physical places. Some people go to Doctor Who and the Loch Ness Monster. You need some sort of convalescence after this book, clearly. We've been warned. 546 has warned us that Doctor Who, it said Frank, Doctor Who and the Loch Ness Monster is pretty teary. Oh, God.

I mean, there's deaths in it, certainly. There's deaths galore. 437. Spoiler alert. 437, Les Liaisons Dangereuses, wept like a babe. What sort of a babe? French babe. Does that mean they read it in French?

Presumably. They wept like a pig in the city. Yes. If you're familiar with that form of babe. Oh, I see. And what, Les Laisons Dangereuses, is that that same film that

John Malkovich... It's exactly that same film. I seem to remember that being Walter Warfield. And I cried. It was a little bit blue movie. I cried, but it was nostalgic. I cried for what had been lost. I have a real problem with, yeah, I think I was saying earlier,

it's the animal deaths I can't cope with. That's what's always made me cry. Even sometimes, I mean, Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Aslan, I can't bear that when he's slain on the stone table. Spoiler alert. I think there is a twist in the tale there, though, isn't there? Well, there is. I didn't understand the sort of religious metaphor, though,

that was going on here. I've never read any children's books, you see, because I only read comics until I was 21. Did you? Yeah. Oh! So, actually, the Dalmatians thing I read in retrospect. I love the film so much.

That you call it the Dalmatians thing? Yeah, the Dalmatians thing. Did you cry at any comics? No, I don't think I did. In 1986, in Roy the Rovers, they killed off most of the team in a horrific way, and there were only five survivors. Really? Yeah, it was quite controversial at the time.

I remember crying my eyes out about that. Oh, blimey. Roy Race was one of the few survivors. If anyone remembers that. I thought he might get through. Otherwise the whole comic title would fall to pieces. Anyway, we started very sad today, but I am... What else? What other books?

278, Morning Frank, Emily and Steve. I remember crying when reading The Jungle Book. That's a debt from Dave. I cried at... That's a strange thing to cry at. I saw Lady and the Tramp. Oh, oh, oh, oh. And that bit...

Did that make you cry? Well, you'd think the Scotty Dog's dead. Oh, right, OK. But again, it was more resurrection imagery from the children's books world. And he comes back bathed in light. It's turning to a lovely Easter thing. Thank goodness for that. I read that 351 cried to, we need to talk about Kevin, bathed in light. It's turning to a lovely Easter theme.

Thank goodness for that. 351 cried to We Need to Talk About Kevin and then said with hindsight reading it whilst trying to deal with postnatal depression following the birth of my second son, not a good idea. No, I said whatever you'd read. In that state. Well, I hope you better know. Who's that from? That's from 351.

351. If I can speak to you intimately by number, I hope you're better now, because that's a terrible thing. Okay, well, I don't want to tear out the whole nation. No. I'm interested in that. But I tell you, The Road, I can't... It's brilliant, but don't read it. Okay.

This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. But don't read it. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Talking about books that make us cry. You are. No, I think the entire triumvirate are. Oh, yeah, sorry, you're right. Sorry, I just had a flashback to my school days. For a minute.

Something that happens often. You've just revealed off-air something that made you cry, which makes me feel so ill I can't even go there. 315. Frank, it wasn't the Scotty Dog and Lady in the Tramp. What? It was the Bloodhound. My two-year-old makes me watch it once a week. Isn't it terrible when something like that happens,

when something is a significant thing in your life and then you find out years later that you've remembered it wrong. That happens to me so often. I could have put money that it was Lyndon B. Johnson who was shot in Dallas. I only found out two months ago. Is that right? I thought I remembered the Scotty Dog with his paw in a sling. No.

It was the bloodhound. Look again. That was one of those funny videos of yours. Perhaps it in a sling. No. It was the bloodhound. Look again. That was one of those funny videos of yours. Perhaps it's been redrawn. Yeah. Because the Scotty dog got it was seen to be racist. There's a director's cut of Lady and the Tramp. Yeah, exactly.

By a Scottish director. Well, I will not have that dog. Almost told. But, hey, Jack, we can change ears. Well, you know what's as of my contract. Complete control. But, Jack, this film's iconic. Well, let's ask the frozen head.

Keep the frozen head out of this. I love Jock the director. In case you don't know Walt Disney's head is yeah I do but Walt Disney.

He's cryogenically preserved Walt Disney. Is he really? Yeah. That's what Simon Cowell wants as well.

I wonder if they kept the tash. Because he's going to look a bit old fashioned when he comes out

with that tash. I liked his evil villain moustache. If he realises it's out of fashion, just go, freeze me again. Yeah, exactly. I can't face the world like that. They'll be back.

Just freeze me until he comes back. That's what I said to my surgeon last week. Freeze me again. We had another text in, and I can't remember. Oh, 671. Fried green tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe. I read it on holiday in Lanzarote, and thank God for sunglasses, as lots of tears shed. I honestly thought people didn't cry at books.

I thought people cried at... Although a friend of mine told me that he cried at Jane Eyre. Oh, yes, that's very sad. But I thought... Films I cry at all the time. I've only cried at one book, which is The Unfortunates by B.S. Johnson. Well, the clue's in the title, though. Yeah, yeah. If it was called The Fortunates, then it could be a happy read, isn't it?

I was a fool to myself. Emily wrote, actually, The Fortunates. As far as biography. Yeah. Oh, B.S. Johnson. Which sounds... He committed suicide in 1973 at the tender age of 40. Spoiler alert.

Spoiler alert! For people who've read in the biography of B.S. Johnson, that's called Like a Fiery Elephant by Jonathan Coe. I imagine he taught quite a lot of robbing, the name like B.S. Johnson. No, I've read of B.S. Holly Walsh when she was on the show. She

bought me a B.S. Johnson. Did she buy you Christy Morey? Did she buy you a... Christy Morey? Christy Morey's own double entry. I don't like the sound of that. You shouldn't have learnt that. The first time I ever gigged with Holly

she said, she watched my set and said, are you a fan of B.S. Johnson? Oh, my God, she's tried it on with everyone, the B.S. Johnson line. We bonded over B.S. Johnson. Well, she bonded with Frank, so that's awkward. Well, yeah, she spreads her B.S. Johnson thing. Anyway, this is getting like the book show now.

I've got a woman in Marielle Frost dropping a minute. I'm sorry if we've alienated anyone in the tour T-shirt. Yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, this is getting like the book show now. We'll need Marielle Frostrop in a minute. I'm sorry if we've alienated anyone in a T-shirt. Yeah, sorry about that. We'll be talking about Zeppelin quite soon. Listen in. Let's talk about Prince Harry, actually, Frank. We need to talk about Harry.

We do. That made me cry. Well, this will make him cry because he had a bit of bad news. I don't know if you saw, but I always think with Harry, he never had William's dashing looks, but what he always had in his arsenal was, at least I've got the hair. Do you know what I mean? He wasn't the heir to the throne. He wasn't quite the know what I mean? He wasn't the heir to the throne.

He wasn't quite the heir to the throne, but he was the hair to the throne. He was, Frank. He had that lovely bushy ginger crown. Yeah. And no more. I'm glad that ginger has been spoken of in a positive way. Why? Because it's starting to look like my child

is going to be... Don't go into the wild by mistake. You know my child, going to be you know my child it's looking like he's ginger oh I love that yeah I've decided I do as well I've got a bit of a weakness I think it's the Damien Lewis thing

I love a red head I think I could get Buzz from work as a Harry lookalike well who knows I could at the moment actually because he's still quite bald. Well, Harry's thinning at the crown. There was a photograph taken. That's ironic, isn't it? It's the only kind of thinning I won't tolerate, to be honest.

But he's thinning at the crown, and he was... I felt quite sorry for him. He was bending over. Did you notice it? Did you see any of the pictures? It's only a small amount of thinning. No, you can see it's going all right. I told you about that friend of mine who was going at the Crown and didn't know. No. And he leaned back on the two legs of his chair

and he felt the cold of the water against the top of his head. And that was when he knew. What a time to find out. I suppose it creeps up on you as a man, doesn't it? Do you reckon Charles is there? Because now that he's definitely going bald, Charles is going, you see, that's my boy. Yes, exactly. It's definitely not you, it's...

Well, yes. Can we just say we never thought for once that we were on absolute radio? Anything was different. I like, the newspapers contacted a hair loss expert to discuss it, which I liked, and this chap who's called Asim Sharmalak says, that sounded a bit racist, but it wasn't. I just don't

know how to pronounce his name properly. I like that he said the signs are not good for Harry. Which I thought was quite hard. That sounded racist. That sounded like he'd just thrown some bones onto the floor. I can't feel sorry. I mean, genuinely

I have sympathy for a balding man. Do you? Steve's looking at me. I can't look at him. I can't look sorry. I mean, genuinely, I have sympathy for a balding man. Do you? Steve's looking at me. I can't look at him. I can't look him in the eye. Yeah, I'm a balding man. Yeah, but whereas... For the listeners out there.

Do you know... But, you know, you've got... Congratulations. That took a lot of courage to speak out. You're a married man, Steve. Indeed, yeah. Are you suggesting that's an achievement? It's like I got married and my hair gave up.

Well, that's what you did. You rushed to get married before it disappeared. That was wise. That's what William did, let's be honest. But if you're a prince, though, you can look like anything if you're going to get girls. You know what I mean? That's celebrity.

I mean, I'll give two words to Prince Harry that might cheer him up. Greg Wallace. It's all right if you're famous. It's all right to be bald if you aren't it's an absolute disaster really but listen certainly if you're going to be bald in a profession being in the royal family i mean you can wear hats all day and every day but the thing is about crowns is often they don't have any middles to them which is the bit that you want covering what he what he needs to do is

convert to Judaism. That's what he, with his hairstyle. I'd like to get Easter out the way first, if I was you. I'd like to know his moment that he realised, because that is the moment you realise you're a balding man is always, so with your friend touching the metal on the back of his head. For me, I was walking down

a street and a nine-year-old kid shouted at me, ooh, forehead! Oh, really? Oh, it's a cruel way to find... I reckon that Harry found it from the papers. I think it was like that. It's like when people get dropped from the England squad and they say, I was found up by a journalist. I reckon that's how it happened. Or when I've

been dumped in the past. Because who looks at the back? Who looks at the back of their head? You know, it's... God, him and William, they're going to look like the Mitchells. Give them 12 months. One of our readers, actually, Frank, 865, has texted in to say, Hello, Frank, I realised I was losing my hair while in a petrol station. The CCTV was filming the back of my head,

so I did something the royals can't do and I had my head shaved. In the middle of the petrol station. Yes, he was Britney Spe spears to be fair that's another shocking way to find out though it'd be great if that was just from britney randomly how lovely that would be if we could get a lindsay lowe and maybe um maybe a thingy now what's called? Who's the big star? Oh, Bieber. Bieber. Oh, he's got in trouble with that monkey. Oh, that's a terrible senior moment there. What's happened with that monkey, Frank?

No, but he's gone the same way. He's gone a bit barmy, which is, uh... Yeah, he's gone a bit watter. I don't know, Steve doesn't believe this. Steve thinks it's all publicity. Yeah, well, it's... Do you? Yeah, I think it's, uh...

We should say, so he was trying to smuggle a monkey... Trying to take a monkey as hand luggage. Yeah. Now he knows. Oh, like everyone hasn't done that. Yeah. I mean, for a start-up, they've essentially got four hands. Yeah.

So that's too much. For a start-up. You can't take an animal... It wasn't even in a cage. It had just been wandering around. It was on a private plane. You can do whatever you like on been wandering around. He was on a private plane. You can do whatever you like on a private plane. I was on a private...

Trust me, I've been on one. You can do whatever you like. It's a strange thing that he's basically gone now. Pop stars, there's been one famous pop star who was renowned for having a monkey that he hung around with. And his career isn't blotted in any way. No. I think he's chose the correct characteristic to go for.

If you're going to pick a Michael Jackson peccadillo, for God's sake, go for the monkey. So he's done well there, at least. No, well, even on a private jet,

or as they said in the tabloids this morning, a primate jet. I loved it. They have their moments. They've still got it. I just, I don't know,

I was on a plane once and we could hear a dog barking in the hold. Oh, dear. No, I didn't know you could have living animals in the hold. Oh, you do put them in the hold, yeah. I thought it was freezing cold down there, though. Yeah.

They're meant to be climate controlled. To be fair, it was a husky, that's why. Climate control. For the animals. I once saw a three-legged dog getting unloaded at Melbourne Airport. You sure it wasn't the photographer getting off a plane? Yeah, carry on. And it was the happiest looking thing.

It loved it. It loved its little adventure in Melbourne Airport. Yeah, well, we were all distressed. This dog sounded like it was having a terrible time. What can you do in the hold? I thought there was a hatch through. There isn't. You can't go down into the hold like going down the basement.

Can't you? So we just said no. Oh, how do you enter then? I think you have to get out and Oh, I haven't got time for all that. Time is money. You'd have to land. Frank, another reader. Have we got time? Yeah, kick in. 294. Hi Frank, some years ago I was in the bank waiting for the cashier looking at the CCTV, another CCTV

and trying to figure out who the bald bloke in the queue was. No, that can't be right, can it? I've gone the full number one. I realised I had a stocking over my head. Oh, now carry on. I've gone the full number one clippers route now. It's the only dignified solution.

Great show. Thanks for cheering me up. Does Emily go for the follicly challenged gentleman? Oh, for God's sake. Never leave a Thanks for cheering me up. Does Emily go for the Follickley Challenge, gentlemen? Never leave a pause like that again. Does Emily go? I thought, oh my god, I'm going to have a seat. The shame tent's not an option for me because

one minute you've got a shame tent, the next minute you're wearing an England shirt for social occasions. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So now, Frank, shall we take a trip? Oh, let's do it. Yeah.

Hold on, let me get my button. Here we go. Everybody. The Email Corner. Communal singing. There isn't enough of that on commercial radio. I like the way Steve sings it in a slightly threatening way. What about if we do the show one week and we do all the music,

we just do it live ourselves? Just do a Gregorian chanting of Email Corner. We can stick to the playlist, but we'll just sing them. I think that'll be fine. I think that covers it, as long as we don't repeat anything. I've got a bell here for Mumford and Sons. Yeah, I won't be doing Mumford.

There's some dog salivating at home now, isn't there? Oh, I could just eat a bit of dog salivating. Carry on. We've had an email. No, it's a food stuff. It's like lemon zest. Oh, is it?

Yeah. Heston Blumenthal's a big fan. He is. I wonder when he found out he went bald. I imagine he was looking... Oh, looking in a cooking appliance. Looking into the... You know the glass...

Sorry, you know the glass door on an oven. Frank got so excited about when Heston Blumenthal realised he went bald, he actually moved his chair away from the bed. I had such a realistic image in my mind of an oven, I had to back off a little bit for the heat. But he was looking to see how the sausages were doing, and he thought, hold on, I don't think I put a large can to loop in the oven, did I? Not with glasses on.

Oh, what? Oh, my God. I've got a question, like Beyonce. Question. Did he decide to don the glasses? They're quite character glasses. I'm a big fan of Heston's, I should say, but was the glasses post-baldness, would you say, as men

in that situation? I reckon he saw himself in a ladle, and in the concave of the ladle, he looked like Humpty Dumpty. So he thought the glasses would give him structure. He looks like an intellectual Humpty Dumpty. Yes.

But that's not bad for a cook, surely. You could sneak in amongst the eggs and play tricks on the kitchen staff. Yeah. I'd like to know, if you're listening, Heston, when did you realise? You can't make an omelette without being a broken egg. No, exactly. So, yes, we're in email. We're in email corner.

So Richard has written in to say, Dear Frank, the Divine M and Al, you mentioned Tupperware recently, and you said you were surprised they had it in the States. While doing my degree at Central Saint Martins in the early 90s, one of my lecturers... Can I say I didn't say the States? Because only terrible people call America that.

Oh, yeah, only people who've never been call it that. Do you think that? That was a bit judgmental of me, wasn't it? Why should everyone go to the States? It was, whereas terrible people was completely broad-minded. Carry on. He said you were surprised that they had it across the pond. Yes. Do they have it in the Big

Apple? Maybe in San Fran. Yeah, maybe they do. I liked Frisco. While doing my degree at Central Saint Martins in the early 90s, one of my lecturers, now Professor Alison Clark, gave us a whole hour on Tupperware as she had done her PhD on said subject

while at the Royal College of Art. She even went and lived with a Tupper family in America where everything was preserved in said plastic containers. I recall her mentioning them still using a month-old half onion that had been in the fridge. What a cracking lecture that must have been. That's interesting. Into the wild.

Two interesting points there. I'd like to be at the funeral of one of the Tupperware family to see what the casket was like. Yes. Was it slightly see-through? Yeah. You don't want to see the cadaver like an apple. You can see the apple. Those kids have brought their own lunches at school.

There was always an apple. Who wants an apple. You know, you can see the apple. Those kids have brought their own lunches at school. There was always an apple. Who wants an apple for lunch? At no point during lunch do I think, oh, I'd love an apple. What, one of those tasteless things with like a hard stalk that they leave on one end? Forget about it. Oh, I'm sorry. Guess why I don't cry for them, because I had 70s dinner party leftovers in my lunchbox. Yeah, but

at least they didn't have an apple. You know what, I think we're going to have to come back. It's a terrible place to break. I feel this is amateur radio at its very worst, but we have obligations to go to the news and all that. So first of all, adverts and

get the kettle on. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I am with Emily Dean. Yes, that Emily Dean. And Steve Hall is guesting for us this week. But you're such a reggae.

I can't even call you friend of the show now. You're basically a squad member. Fabulous. Yeah, you've got your number. Does that have a jingle or a song that goes with it? Squad member! That's it. We're still working on it.

Strangest jingle I've ever heard. I liked it. Yeah, it's in its infancy. Let's say that. I cut you off, Steve, mid-email. Sounds like my father. He was saying that to me only the other week.

New readers who've tuned in during the news. People just switch on for the news and say, I'll hang around for a bit, see what's happening, and then I'll get the lawnmower out. Well, here's the thing. I was talking about Topperware a few weeks ago, and how I thought it was a fabulous invention,

one of the great iconic things, sadly underrated. And I love the moment when you open it, it goes... And someone sent in an email that their lecturer did a dissertation on topperware? A PhD on the subject. Fantastic.

Well, in fact, this is where I slightly smell a rat. Our better arguments were absolutely airtight. You smell a rat? Not in the Tupperware, please. No, not at all. But with this email, because he mentions the name of the one, Professor Alison Clark,

and it turns out that if you Google Professor Alison Clark, she's got a book out all about Tupperware called Tupperware, The Promise of Plastic in the 50s. Ah, so you think this could be from Professor Alison Clark. Well, it's from a bloke who calls himself Richard. No, I think he's perfect, Nick.

Don't be so cynical. I have to say, I've cheated Tupperware on the onion front. What do you mean? Because I've got half an onion in the fridge as we speak. Oh, that's barbaric. It's going to make everything else reach. It sounds deeply euphemistic. You know what I've done?

Here, look at her. I bet she's got half an onion in the fridge, if you know what I'm saying. Now, what I did is I had a pasta sauce... ..tob. Oh. And I cleaned that out and I put it in there. Oh, you were lucky.

It must have been a snug fit, that onion. Oh, it fitted. It was half onion. I wouldn't have got the hole in. No. It was shoulder to shoulder in there. It's quite nice. I wouldn't have wanted to put, say,

a chaff inch in with it. No. That would have been cruel in the extreme. And also, when you took the corpse of the chaff inch out, it would have the rings of the onion pressed into the feathers that's not how you want them to go but yeah so I recycled little tip there for anyone who's trying to save the planet

obviously that'll be girls at secondary school I don't think anyone else cares anymore about do you? well people read the road and then they're happy to see the whole thing finished. I just think, you know, it's the sort of thing you're interested in as a project at school, but I don't think many adults are into the global thing any more, are they? It's died out of me.

Anyway... A message of hope for Easter weekend. There you go. But I recycle my pasta tobs. Where does it go, this? Is that the end of that? He carries on. He says that Professor Alison Clark, top quality author,

Oh God, such a plug. She also said that about top sellers from Tupperware parties in the 50s winning cars, and it was a fascinating, slightly worrying insight into the almost cultish aspect of what is just a plastic container. Well, I think just a plastic container is a bit unfair. The grip.

Also, Steve, can I just go back to the book, which Steve dropped in there. Steve's doing, like, the PR for it or something. I think he's in... This is like You Say We Pay. It's some scandal that's going to come out. Do you think anyone ever cried at that Tupperware book? Maybe when the audience came out. It's fascinating. Apparently Tupperware was featured.

The Museum of Modern Art in New York in 1956 featured Tupperware. Really? As part of an exhibition. I'm glad to hear this, because I think it is an underestimated... I don't think I could live without it. Tupperware? Can't live with it, can't live without it? Exactly.

That's the sort of relationship I've got with Tupperware. Can't live with it, can't live without it. Exactly, that's the sort of relationship I've got with Tupperware. It's love-hate. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in the email corner. Well, we have, but we've heard from a few of our readers. Oh, that's okay.

We can throw in text. I think there is a text annex in the email corner. I like being in there. 546, I've got what is turning out to be a long-standing disagreement with my girlfriend who thinks I've got three of her best Tupperware lunchboxes. I haven't. I'll be

quoting it's just a plastic box next time it comes up. Thanks for the ammo. Can you not say it's just a plastic box? It very much isn't. Say they were big in the 50s. That's what you should say. Yeah. Dear Frank, Emily and Steve, there was a children's show

called Eerie Indiana in the 90s which was a bit Twilight Zone. They had an episode with a Tupperware coffin. Oh! There were Stepford Wives in there that never aged. That is all. Good show, Eerie Indiana. Yeah. Good show here, India. I think Gary Cole. I think that's... Not Gary Coleman.

Who played Midnight Caller. Oh, it should have been Gary Coleman. Oh, good on him. That would explain the top of my coffee. Yeah, well, very much. It's just a normal sandwich box. What are you talking about, Willis? He's dead, isn't he, Gary Coleman?

He is. I shouldn't be talking about his coffee in disrespect, Fleck. And I say I meant no respect to his profound and deep essence. He never got the money back off the parents. I'm just saying. No, I know. I know. That's a terrible story.

It's awful. What was Willis talking about? Did we ever find out? He should have called his autobiography something connected to that, the guy who played Willis, shouldn't he? He could have just called it what I was talking about. Did he write an autobiography? Well, he would have now, wouldn't he? He's one of the few surviving... Is he still

around? Yeah, he's the one who's... Because the curse of different drugs. Yeah, Dana Plato departed too early. Well, when they call it the curse of, isn't it just time passing? I don't know what age they died at, but they did, yeah, the curse of different... Dana Plato was only 35. The drugs as well, yeah. What was she called? Dana Plato. I love that Steve knows that. Yeah, the curse is different. Dana Plato was only 35. The drugs as well, yeah. What was she called?

Dana Plato. I love that Steve knows that. Yeah, Steve, he's a... Her parents were obsessed with Eurovision winners and philosophers. Aren't we all? Yeah. That's chapter seven. My son, Abba Wittgenstein.

Brotherhood of man, Spinoza. Yeah, the quote. Katrina and the waves Can't That's what I've heard Oh Frank Is it time to go on to email Yeah email two come on Okay here we go

Come on Brace yourselves everyone I mean come on For the NEAD That was what I read And it happened that Harry was at the barbers and he says, going a bit thin on top, so, I mean, come on! Watch it!

That's what I think happened there. The barbers thought, oh, God, I wish I hadn't said anything there. How awkward. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. Sorry about that, Steve. I mean, just watch it, that's all. Oh, Harry's completely lost it in the barbers. A little leather friendship bracelet rattling around on his wrist.

Yeah, exactly. Greetings from Wolverhampton. Not my words, clearly. Let's move on. But the words from Sue. Frank mentioned his lack of belief in fainting recently. Yeah, there's no such thing. It's a choice.

Fainting, it's a choice. That's what my book's called. I, too, never believed, but I did have an experience in my 20s where I think I fainted. Perhaps you can tell me if this was the real deal or not. Okay.

At the time in the 80s, I worked for MAF. Now, I think that's the Ministry of Agriculture, Steve. Over to Wikipedia. Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries. Oh, lovely. Thank you, Wikistivia. And I'd been on a near-starvation diet for a month.

Lovely. Congratulations. I was sent out early one cold winter morning to a farm in North Yorkshire to take temperature readings in chicken sheds. The sheds were hot and dusty. I spent four hours there and then went to get blood before going back to the office.

Hold on a minute. This is the holy trinity of fainting, isn't it? I didn't eat for a week, I gave blood, and obviously spending time in a hot chicken shed, that brings it up. This isn't Cormac McCarthy, I've been reading it. Why didn't she go and see One Direction live? This woman was trying to faint.

On returning, I had to give a verbal report to my boss, a professor, lovely man and stereotypical boffin. Oh, let me guess. Was it Professor Alison Clark? These are all emails from Professor Alison Clark. Currently available on Amazon. This involves standing by his desk and talking him through the data. I didn't feel well, so twice or thrice I said,

I think I need to sit down, but he didn't hear me. Eventually, my knees buckled. My feet stayed on the floor, my knees just buckled. I heard my head hit the filing cabinet on the way down, but felt no pain. So her feet were still on the floor, but she heard her head hit the filing cabinet? Yes. As soon as I hit the floor, I heard my boss ask She went down like one of those, remember those things

that used to be on a stand and you pressed the bottom of it, like it used to be a giraffe and they used to just sort of collapse. The legs would just go. Wow. As soon as I hit the floor I heard my boss ask, are you alright Susan? So my hearing was fully operational. I wanted to say, but couldn't speak. Yes, I just prefer the view down here.

So my sarcasm button was fully functional. Having never believed in fainting, I still don't know if I fainted, mainly because I could still hear and be sarcastic in my head. Frank's opinion may help me decide. Well, my opinion is, having listened to several hours of chicken shed temperature data. You collapse through boredom.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Zero Five Two has texted in and suggested a tearjerker book, Champion, the book about Bob Champion and Alderneyty winning the Grand National. Oh, yeah, I don't... Yeah, I was thinking of novels, though, really.

I think non-fiction, there's probably quite a lot of them because there's a lot of terrible, tragic stories. I do like the reminder of Alderneyty because that takes me back to a time when horses were celebrities, which I like, and they're not why did horses stop being famous you're right, Red Rum Shergar, remember those guys

Desert Orchid, Desert Orchid, name me one famous horse, celebrity horse well there's probably people who could but people could text in loads of famous horses but the truth is they'll be horse racing people because every now and again you hear, and I used to, because my dad was mad on horse racing,

I used to know quite a bit about it, but you hear now things like the greatest racehorse of all time, Mumble Envelope. And I think, I've never heard of this horse. Whereas they were household names. They were actual celebrities. No, of course, they're household foods.

No, but, yeah. They were showbiz horses. You're right. And they're not showbiz anymore. They're not. People didn't know. They've been knocked off the front pages. There was always one famous horse.

We had Arkel. Arkel in the 60s. Arkel, yeah. Brigadier Gerard. Do you know that one? Am I going obscure now? Shergar was probably the last big name. I would say Red Rum was like Justin Bieber.

The amount of coverage he got. Honestly. Well, it was the graduate... Didn't he go missing? Something bad happened? A bad thing happened? Red Rum? No, no.

I did a corporate with Red Rum. I did. I did. I did a corporate with him. A very demanding rider. I think it was. Yeah, he was. corporate with him A very demanding rider I think it was Yeah he was, I made him get off Yeah that's absolutely true

Lee Mack used to be a stable boy didn't he That was the first horse that Lee Mack ever rode was Red Rom and I once walked past a pub in Smethwick where I lived. And someone had written on the wall, Red Rom. And then underneath it, they'd written murder.

Because you know Red Rom was murder backwards. What I liked about that was obviously someone in the pub had said, well, of course you know Red Rom's murder backwards. And the other person couldn't visualise that. So they had to go out and write it on the wall. Times have changed. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know, we were talking about celebrity horses. Oh, the fact there aren't any. There aren't any anymore. No. There weren't any past about 1985. But 132 has suggested Frankel, the greatest flat horse ever, has just retired, Frank.

But I think this proves your case, really, because I've heard of Frankel, but he's not a household name. He or she. Well, not according to Mark, who said Frankel hyphen ledge. Well, Frankel was big in Australia. Oh, maybe Frankel Ledge is one of the lesser known monsters that was created. Yeah, Frankel Ledge. He was a bit scary.

He used to hide on shelves. I don't... He's not... He's now Alderneyty. No, he's now Alderneyty. And he's now Red Rom. Because Frankel's Australian. The famous Australian horse

is Far Lap yes which is the is in the Museum of Melbourne well his body is in the

Museum of Melbourne oh god but his heart's his heart's he's in a lasagna his heart's in Canberra I think and I think his brain

might be in another Australian thing some bizarre wizard of all. His skeleton is somewhere and his body is... I remember I stared at his body for ages thinking, where did they take the skeleton out? There are no marks.

And I thought they couldn't have possibly got it out. They couldn't have. You know when they used to put all the parts of a grand piano through a letter box on just the knockout. They couldn't have pulled their skeleton out

of its bottom, could they, without leaving any marks. Oh, God. This puzzled me for some years. I used to dream of walking past a police horse and going, whoop! You know where people can take a shirt and take someone's shirt off when they've still got their jacket on. And suddenly the cop was just sitting on a brown beanbag.

So anyway. Frankel is the reason. Me and my wife, we were going to call our firstborn son, if indeed we had a son, we were going to call him Frank after her grandad. Yes. But then it would have been Frank Hall, and he would have been half Australian, so we can't call it. So we're calling him Red Rum instead.

But then we could have said frank frankle ledge but your wife's australian isn't she yes so that would have been perfect in a way because she is but she's very bright oh well fair enough you know i can say that i'm half antipodean i love the sound of your wife i have to know i um i i take the point that Frankel is famous. He's a very good racehorse, but he's not a big celebrity. He just isn't. Exactly. He's not going to be in the bizarre column posing with Gordon Smart, is he? I bet you I never...

He's not going to be doing a corporate with Frank. No, I bet you I never do a corporate with Frankel, even though the billing would look great, Frank and Frankel. No, I'm not accepting that. Sorry. Sorry, Frankel, if and Frankel. No, I'm not accepting that. Sorry. Sorry, Frankel, if you're listening. Someone's 132's texted in to say Frankel's English. Black caviar's the Australian one.

So my entire basis for that... Oh, so you lied to us. I got it completely wrong. Makes me wonder... No, we're always on about our knowledgeable. Well, Steve Apedia is... I have to say that nickname is hanging in the balance. Well, once you called him Steve Apedia,

you started having wrong facts on him. So maybe it's actually perfect. There's been some malicious editing. I had a terrible moment with Faye Tozer when I said, so you're really keen on trampolining? And she said, I don't know what you're talking about.

As if I'd said something quite rude to her. And it was on... Was that on your chat show, darling? No, it was on a quiz show. But she looked affronted that I'd suggested that she trampoline. I mean, you know, that's a good thing to say about someone, isn't it? It's particularly peculiar that someone would be so offended by it. It implies there is some truth.

I would have just lied to help you out. I had hours of funny trampolining jokes lined up. I bought her a sports bra and everything. That was wasted. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Some of you might listen to this show and Steve Hall, and you think, but what does Steve Hall do with his week? We don't hear enough about what Steve gets up to, where he goes.

That's what you're thinking. You're thinking he's an interesting guy. Maybe I can learn. Yeah. We need a Steve's Week jingle, really, Frank. You need to... Come on. You'll be improvising them.

Steve's Week. I just worry that... Sorry, I misspelled that. W-E-A. It does sound more like a review than a jingle. I love being in the deep south. Yeah. Anyway, as you were.

Paul Robeson version. Deep weak. Paul Judd is dead. You can hear the suffering in that. Yeah, that implies I've just been badly beaten up. Why has he taken such a shooing? Yeah.

So, Steve. Come on. Tell us about your week. I've had a lovely week. Okay, there you go. Okay. There'll be another episode of Steve's Week. I was on deal or no deal.

We'll get to that in a minute. I had quite an emotional weekend last weekend because I went to the Teenage Cancer Trust gig at the Albert Hall, curated by Noel Gallagher and featuring Damon and Graham from Blur. Oh, yes, I read about this. And so it was the great thawing in the Britpop wars. It's interesting that because I'd completely forgotten about the whole Blur versus Oasis thing until it was over.

Yeah, it was the 90s, wasn't it? You don't get those kind of rivalries, now do you? You don't get sort of Coldplay versus... Who would that be? Keane. At Mumford and Sons. It's in the same way that there's... Coldplay versus Keane.

Can you imagine that as a big rivalry? No more famous horses, no more great Britpop rivals. No, exactly. We need to engineer Frankel versus Black Caviar. You could have Katherine Jenkins versus the Archangel Michael. The rematch. I'm sure you'd get Nicki Minaj versus someone. She seems quite an argumentative soul, if you ask me.

But you don't get... I can't think of a rivalry like that, can you? And the enemy will often try and create... Liam Gallagher will say something mean about someone yeah but it'll generally get ignored i'd say one direction versus frankl okay so you went to that and which camp were you well i i was neither camp because they were both brilliant bands so it was always a bit of a non it was a kind of a nonsensical thing the brit port wars because they're both fantastic bands and the reality of that that year 1995 robson and jerome were at number one for 11 weeks wow uh combined in 1995. so there was there was no there was a

sort of fake war because there were just loads there was loads of really good music who would have thought that would culminate in extreme fishing yes. Well, that does sum it up. When people talk about Vienna, that was a fantastic song, but kept off number one by Shut Up Your Face. Yeah, Joe Dolce, yeah. I think justice was done there, but never mind. Well, that means nothing. So it was lovely.

They did tender together, and it was a genuinely moving moment. But unfortunately, that had been preceded by 20 minutes of Damon Albarn being Damon Albarn. God bless him, he's my absolute favourite band blur, but he likes his ill-advised side projects. He gets quite experimental. Yes, it was him, Graham and Paul Weller noodling with a sort of jazzy soundtrack while a poet from the 60s

who looked incredibly like Wilfred Bramble was in a tank top, was kind of going, war and bombs and teenage trust. Who was it? Michael Horowitz. Was it really? I thought it might be.

I think, I don't know Michael Horowitz, but he did a gig at my dentist's. Oh, did he? You were quite a showbiz dentist. My dentist has things like alternative cabaret and art exhibitions in his waiting room. And my

girlfriend's sister, Rachel, who I think of as my sister-in-law, she bought one of his paintings. Oh, did she? She said, the thing is, I'm on my bike. And he said, oh, it's alright. And he gaffer-er taped it to her back. He's a bit of a character.

Where was the gig at? It was at the Albert Hall. Oh, it's a Hallfest, this anecdote. It's one of the great things about the scene. I'm worried Michael Horowitz is going to turn into the Milton Berle of this week. I'm just worried he's going to turn up. Michael Horowitz is going to turn into the Milton Berle of this week. I'm just worried he's going to turn up.

It's one of the great things about being at the Albert Hall for a gig where it's indie bands, is people who've gone because it's a swanky place to see a gig, and then they're horrified by the behaviour of particularly... The Horowitz. The Horowitz, the Horowitz at the end of Fox Lives Now. And so people were throwing glasses when Noel was on. People were wearing plastic glasses with liquid in. And there were some people who were clearly appalled

by the fact that there was any of this behaviour going on. But it reminded... I had unwisely... I'd made myself... I'd worn one of my nicest jumpers. And I'd forgotten... I'm guessing it was for Fred Perry. Yeah, it was for Fred Perry. Yeah, it was for Fred Perry. Of course it was. I'd forgotten, you know, the

liquid lottery, when a drink hits you at a music gig and you think, it could be beer, or it could be something else. It never happens to me, they can't reach up that high into the box. So I thought, it doesn't matter, I'll enjoy the gig. And I thought, because often you matter I'll enjoy the gig and I thought because often

you only discover the results of the lottery sometime after the gig when you're able to smell your clothes again and I thought so I had a sniff of my jumper and I thought

oh no I've got away with it it's just beer and then my wife gave me a hug when I got home and went oh dear lord and it was the other thing

you're lucky it wasn't Miss Dior perfume what about if she smelled that she'd never believe that was thrown up at you at the gig that's what they should do at a gig Well, you're lucky it wasn't Miss Dior. Perfume? What about if she smelt that? She'd never have believed that was thrown off at you at the gig. That's what they should do at gigs. They should spray perfume on men and get them into trouble.

What about that for a ruse? OK, so you enjoyed it, though? I absolutely loved it. That's the thing, even when Damon is being difficult, he's always interested. I've got memories of him on Fantasy Football. How do you think his voice goes live? He does all right.

I mean, thankfully he was letting Michael Horowitz do most of the singing. OK. So even someone singing badly was a relief after that. That's a sentence that's never been spoken. I remember Damon being a bit peculiar on Fantasy Football. Yeah, I remember him being a prat. Oh. I remember him reading the NME. Yes, and drinking a bottle of red wine. Get over it.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and I'm with Steve Hall. We've just had this text in. For example. For example, from Vanessa. Hi, Frank, Emily and Steve.

Is it Vanessa Hodgson's? I don't know. I don't know who that is. It's a name I see on the mail online. I'm so delighted that you know her. She's in your lexicon, your sphere of reference. I saw her on Vanessa Paradino. Is it H&M? I thought that was Vanessa Redgrove. I was. I saw him, Vanessa Paradino, he's modelling for H&M.

Oh, I thought that was Vanessa Redgrove. I was going to buy that range if it was... Paradino, is that how you get over Johnny Depp? You model for H&M. Glad you didn't say H&M. It could be H&E, which is a health and efficiency magazine. A naturist organisation,

which is all we had in the 70s. Oh, that and the Grattan catalogue hi Frank, Emily and Steve great show as always not sorry about the praise not sure if this has already been a suggestion

but what about a whole series showing Frank heading off to Los Angeles to pursue his American comedy career called Frank He Goes to Hollywood

I quite like that Happy Easter three, nine, four the title's alright but the level of despair it'd be right up there called Frank, He Goes to Hollywood. I quite like that. Happy Easter, 394. The title's all right, but the level of despair... It'd be right up there. It'd make Cormac McCarthy feel like Willy Wonka. Is it Willy Wonka or is it Charlie? I've always been very confused about that.

Can you imagine the voiceover? Frank's meeting did not go well. Is it the book that's Willy Wonka? The book is Charlie. The book is Charlie. The film is Willy Wonka. Frank, what about Frank's meeting did not go well? It it the book that's Willy Wonka? The book is Charlie. The book is Charlie. The film is Willy Wonka. Frank, what about Frank's meeting did not go well? It's going to be awful.

Oh, no, yeah. Can you imagine that? Oh, no, I've had some really productive meetings with some people out there. We're waiting to see what happens. Got a couple of things in the pipeline. Oh, can you imagine it? Meanwhile, Frank's manager is arguing with the promoter.

No, that show is not going to happen. No. Oh, no. There is a place in Birmingham called Hollywood that that show could happen. I'm still waiting for Frank Skinner's North Korea. I've heard nothing. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You'd be so good on that.

There's been a bit of a hiccup this week, apparently, with them declaring war on South Korea. You get on with people, you'd win them round. See, that's why Ide Edmondson, his wife, stood at the Yorkshire Dales. Who are they going to declare war on? Anyway, we were... Steve's Week. What else did you do, Steve?

Well, it's been a cultural extravaganza because I had never seen... It's often quoted in the top 100 films of all time. Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times. Yes, of course. And they did a screening of it with a live orchestral score. You caught it late. I caught it very late.

It's 77 years after it was first released. With a live score. Carl Davis? Carl Davis, indeed, yes. He's made a living out of live score. I've been to, I went to one of those. Albert Hall again. This was the Royal Festival Hall.

Another hall. Is that what you do? You go to Halls all week. Is your real name Hall or do they call you Steve Hall because you go to Halls? Everything about him is Hall. His favourite book is Radcliffe Hall. He'll only read Hall-based. Toad of Toad Hall he likes as well. Terry Hall

he was engaged to. My real name is actually Steve Auditorium. Amazing. So okay, so you went toitorium. Oh, what? Amazing. So, okay, so you went to see that. Brilliant. And having never seen it, me and the wife got, having talked about crying earlier, we got very emotional.

There's a bit at the end, it was absolutely fantastic. Spoiler alert. And then at the end, Carl Davis points to the screen and a photo of Charlie Chaplin comes up. Can I stop you there? I went to see... I can't remember which Charlie...

The one with the blind flower girl. Oh, that narrows it down. City Lights. I went to see that and Carl Davis came on at the end and he pointed at a picture of Charlie Chaplin and everyone applauded and I cried. Oh. Well, that makes me feel all right then. Yeah. Well, that makes me feel all right then.

Yeah. No, that makes me feel like he's turning out the same old trick. It was slightly different. I had no idea he was dead. And they didn't break it to me gently. They just, you know, I mean, whoa. I was thinking I'm going to start watching these films on a regular basis. No, but I did exactly that.

Oh, that's great. You two are like two peas in an edamame. That's what I'm calling you. It was so fantastic. There were little kids in the screening, and as they left, they were all doing the tramp walk. Really? It was fantastic.

There's a thing in that film I'd never... I think they had those skinny jeans. The fact that there's a cocaine joke in a film made in 1936 is astonishing. Can I just say that? Absolute radio. Don't even acknowledge the existence of cocaine. No. I didn't, I don't remember that joke, but can you tell us off air? Yeah. I will not have a cocaine

joke on this show. We've already played Lost for Life. I mean, it's turned into some sort of opium den. I mean, it was turning into some sort of opium den. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Have you ever seen Circus, Charlie Chaplin? No, no.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen is Charlie Chaplin on a tightrope with a monkey biting his nose. Justin Bieber. It's very Justin Bieber. But you can see he's properly biting his nose. It's very Justin Bieber. But you can see he's properly biting his nose and they thought just let it kick the camera. Anyway, there's probably enough Charlie Chaplin. I saw the cabinet of Dr. Caligari

accompanied by live percussive dulcimers. Did you? Anyway. You love a bit of Chaplin, you two. I tell you who's had a bit of a week this week. Who? Anyway. You love a bit of Chaplin, you two. I'll tell you who's had a bit of a week this week. Who? You. Oh.

Yeah, I watch you on the telly. I did have a little TV appearance this week. Can you imagine? I've been burning to talk about this experience for so long. I feel like I've been injuncted. I feel like, because obviously, spoiler alerts, Frank. Oh, yeah. You can't say anything, can you?

We should say that you were on deal or no deal i was on celebrity deal or no deal so obviously yes i'm sorry i forgot the word celebrity yes thank you you know someone tweeted me and said i thought it was for celebrities what were you doing on it well that's lovely isn't it you know what haters gonna hate yes um so so so obviously you couldn't talk about it because we're not supposed to know the result you didn't even tell me the result. I didn't. I think we can.

Should we say the result now? Yeah, we can say the result now. What about if people are watching it on VOD? Oh, it's fine. It's been a week now. So it was Jonathan Ross's Celebrity Deal or No Deal. And it was a charity that I'm kind of involved with as well, which is why I was there. And I'm a close personal friend.

But it was, he raised £20,000, which is pretty amazing. Yes. And I was relieved because I thought, can you imagine? And imagine if I'd have been the one with the bad box. Oh. I think I've said before that Deal or No Deal, though, would be a better show if it was somebody sitting with a nuclear missile pointed at Kent. And if you didn't get it right,

they took out Deal completely. It's weird, when people text you, Frank, when you're on teller, you get the text, don't you? You get saying, oh, just watching you, and I never know what to say, because it's during... I never get texts anymore. Oh, that's awkward. I wait for them.

I do a show, I have a new series start, I think the text... Sometimes I think, well, I'd better put my phone off or they won't be able to sleep with all the texts. I get nothing. It's all gone a bit Frankie Goes goes to hollywood frank is waiting for text and then it'll be me saying no i don't know i mean i perhaps have i changed my number recently we all know but no i got one saying nice dress you looked i must say you look. You did, you looked great. Oh, you watched it?

I watched it, yeah. Yeah, you did look great. Thank you, boys. You did have quite, you had quite a bad box. Do you know that was, well, they teach you beforehand, you have to go to box school when you go there. Shut up. You do.

There were quite a few people who struggled with the tan. Well, they gave us a weird technique, me included, which was mortifying, but I had Noel standing over me in that purple shirt tucked in. Really? And he was wearing the Bhutan's, I noticed, as well. Was he? Slightly raised. Yes.

Was he? Yeah. God, he was close. If you could spot that. They take you to box school. So before you get there, there's one of those runners who looks about 17. Yeah. And it's an industrial estate.

That's because they'll be about 17. It's an industrial estate in Bristol. Quite bleak. Oh, it's in Bristol? Quite bleak house there. Okay. I think Noel helicopters in and then goes straight off afterwards.

He doesn't hang around. I always think of Bristol as a very nice city. This is quite a town. Well, I did. I suppose they're... I did, up until the... They come in and they say,

right, we'll teach you how to open the box. They sent me literature beforehand. Of course, they've stopped the slavery there now, we should point that out. In case you've gone off, they'll put you off. They say, there was a list of rules. It said, don't laugh at the amount, respect the box, don't look inside others' boxes. Yes.

Don't put rubbish near the box, and always hold your box open for at least ten seconds. There were strict rules about that. Yeah. Okay. They taught us how. It does. Surely this is the guidebook for the adult film industry. Oh, yeah.

It's great to hear the mental rolodex at work. I know, it's terrible, isn't it? Well, it was, I hadn't watched it for a long time because I have a problem with the way randomness is regarded as a skill. Yeah, yeah. So people, it's like, come on, you can do this for me. I want people to stop and say, like, what can I do? It's already in the box.

It's true. But you do get, you get carried away and it was quite exciting, I must say. I got quite into it. And I did find myself, why, why did I find myself, I think it's this cosmic ordering, I was oddly attracted to Noel. What is that, Frank? Well. Is it the power? I don't, I think it's his cosmic ordering, I was oddly attracted to Noel. What is that, Frank? Is it the power? I don't know. Has he changed? I mean, he hasn't changed for years now.

Has he not let his beard grow a little higher than it used to be? Well, the colour's changed a bit, let's be honest. I was looking at him and he sort of looked like Swiss Tony crossed with a BG, that kind of thing. Yeah, but he's not manicured so much, his beard. Now, I think he's let it go its own way a little bit on the upper cheek. He's gone a bit Peter the Wild on his facial hair. And then Jonathan Ross had got a beard on the same shirt.

I thought, any minute now, they're going to pass a can of Tennant Super Lager to him. He did look a bit like that. But no, he's gone a little bit, I'd say Noel's gone a little bit rough and ready. That's what I'm going to say. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Another thing about Noel, I find... I'll be starting a lot of sentences with that in the coming weeks. I've got mentionitis with Noel. Yeah. I think it's the swap shop thing has come back i just i can't quit him um i he refers to you by name a lot so he'll say so emily emily this is big money it's a big moment emily what's gonna happen emily what is in your box emily oh okay i think that's part of his cosmic ordering for me the highlight of the whole show is the music started to go into the adverts

and he turned to camera and he went, this is fun. And I thought, no one says that anymore. How fantastic. There was a moment in the show that I wanted to ask about what it was like in real life, where when he talked to the genuinely insane comedian, Paul Chowdhury,

and Paul Chowdhury, it turned out, had been on Noel's house party. Well, had he, or was that a hoax? No, he had. He genuinely had, I think. And you could see on Noel's face that he was trying to work out whether he'd been unpleasant to him. Yes. You know, Noel's an old pro.

He recovered well there. I think he played it safe. I think that was a genuine moment. I think he had been on Noel's house party. So I think Noel did the right thing. What I want to know is, is there a banker? Yes, there is. There is a person on the phone. Because I asked Jonathan.

Well, Jonathan set me up with him. I'm going out. I always think it's a bit like Sonny Hammond and Skippy. You know, what's that, Skip? Helicopter crack. I always think it's like that and there is no banker. No, there is a man. There is a person on. There is a man, yeah. I always think it's like that and there is no banker. No, there is a man. There is a person on it.

There is a man, yeah. I'm amazed that person hasn't been exposed in the papers and stuff. To be fair, he hasn't done anything about that criminal activity. I'm not suggesting he's on the tree. I'm thinking, I'm just, I'm surprised that we haven't seen an interview with the banker. He's such a big part of the show. Maybe he's the stick. He's a 1970s TV producer.

He is the stick. Is he really? What, the shoulder bag? I believe so, yeah. Hello, love. Yes, I don't know. I think it is like the stick, though. We can't reveal too much about it.

But anyway, well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I am, because I did a TV series a number of years ago with the comedians Greg Davis and Marit Larwood Yes! What was the name of that TV series? It was called We Are Clang and when we were filming some of the stuff on location there was a young kid

and I knew I'd seen him from somewhere and I couldn't work out where I recognised him from I was like, have you done stand-up gigs? and he revealed it very grudgingly. He went, oh, yeah, I was on deal or no deal. And as soon as he said that, I went, oh, I know exactly who you are. Your name is Errol. And he got down to his final two boxes.

He got 20 grand and 250 grand. Yeah. And it was one of the most exciting things I'd ever seen, where the banker offered him 101,000 pounds. My goodness. And he no-dealed, opened his box and got £20,000. And I'd remembered all that. So YouTube, spoiler alert.

And I'd remembered all this. And so he went, well, that's very impressive. And I went, are you happy that you ended up with just the £20,000? And he went, well, I'm an extra on your show. Yeah, why would he be happy that he'd done that? It was, you know, I was so excited to meet him, my interviewing process. It's incredible you remembered all that.

He used to do drawings. Also, yeah, you were completely wrong about Frankel. I like that you're criticising Steve for his social interaction. When you are the man that said to someone who'd recently split up with his wife, oh, well, every cloud, because he looked good. Yeah, well, yeah, you're right. But, you know, that is that you lose

weight when a big relationship ends. Because you're upset. And that's God's way of getting you ready for the next one. Shall we go to... Yes. Email corner. I'm thinking maybe it's time for a new Million Dollar Corner jingle.

A new jingle? Maybe. Carry on. Anyway. So, it's time for the next email. I think Steve should read it. Absolutely. We've had an email from Mikey, who said, can I say I'm utterly delighted to find another person who has an obscure crush on Vince Cable?

Oh, Frank, yeah, of course, Frank. Because this is Emily's... What is the phrase? Would but shouldn't. Yeah. Vince Cable, ladies and gentlemen, in case you're not aware of this. Do you still feel those feelings for him now that he's...

Yes! Now that he's joined the axis of evil? Yeah, I know. It will never change. I can't help how I feel. It's like Noel Edmonds. It's like Liesel falling for Rolf in Sound of Music and then he becomes a Nazi. It's not dissimilar.

Okay. So this person likes it. He carries on. Mikey. I've always found my confession to be met with confusion, but Emily has confirmed my love. Then again, my obscure crush has moved totally to Alain de Botton.

Oh, I'm a fan of his as well. He then says, if Emily's ever in Macclesfield, he then corrects himself and says, don't worry, I've moved to London anyway. I'm not straight. So it'd be more of a bishop's move

than a knight's move. Oh. Surely it'd be a, can you say a queen's move? He also says, which I like, much love, darlings. Yeah. Mikey. Surely it would be a... Can you say a queen's move? He also says, which I like, much love, darlings. Yeah.

Mikey. Can I just say I love the sound of Mikey. So it turns out that Vince Cable appeals to... Yeah. He's like a European adapter plug. This week... This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. This week... I wasn't the only one on telly.

No, I was on Sky News. Sky News weather, I heard. Well, I spoke to the weather lady. I was going to say thanks for stealing my thunder. I got... It's brilliant. It's absolutely brilliant. Isabel Lang.

That wasn't a question. That's her name. I don't know. You know, I've met many celebrities, but for some reason, when I was on Sky News, I thought, oh, God, that's the person I watch over breakfast. And it's because you don't see her on anything else. It's like entering a secret world.

Anyway, so I was, I'm doing this show, right, with me and Joan Batewell. Oh, lovely. You know, I don't talk about my TV work, but I consider this more like a social service. Could you thank her relatively for letting us stay in her house briefly in 1981, I think it was.

Were you squatters? No, she let... Well, we sort of had nowhere to live, I think. Oh, OK. So she let us stay there for about a month when we got back from what a lovely house it was. Was this post-Harold Pinter for her? Oh, we can't talk about that.

I don't know if we're allowed to mention it. Yes. She's fessed up to that. Yes. Yeah. She has. Anyway, as you were. I think she started the slogan, a pint of a person per day. Anyway. You've got to work with this woman.

You know, you don't get many Harold Pinter jokes on Absolute Radio. I've often said that. Nelson's not Francis left. I think I've done my bit. So you're doing, it's the Portrait Artist of the Year. Do you know she's the first woman to interview Nelson Mandela after he came out of prison? Is that right? First person, in fact.

Wow. Wow. Yeah, quite a thing. She looks great as well, still. Yeah. Oh, and I don't, is what I think the subtext of that is. No, so anyway, the idea, and I'm not plugging the show, but it is a good thing. If anyone listens to this who does art, and I, the idea, I'm not plugging the show, but it is a good thing.

If anyone listens to this who does art, and I bet there are, do send a self-portrait, look on the website at Sky, and you could be... I might do it. We're looking for the portrait artist of the year, basically, so we could change someone's life completely. So honestly, if you paint, have a go. Yeah. And if you say, put a note saying you listen to the show, I'll see if I can get you through

to the quarterfinals. Oh, God. But it made me think, I haven't I'd like, I haven't done any art for ages. I used to love it at school. You know what, you're in school, it's just something you do. And when you leave school, you don't even, even consider,

I'll come back to this because i want to know if you if you guys do it absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio we were talking about art on absolute radio yeah i tell you what i fancy doing and when i was at school you used to do those things where you cover a balloon in papi and masha and then burst the balloon you cut it in half you got two masks those things where you cover a balloon in papier-mâché and then burst the balloon. You cut it in half. You got two masks to make. That's handy. Have you ever done that?

I never did that. Brilliant. I'm going to do a celebrity couple. No, but I did do an oil painting of Henry VIII. Did you? Which I might show you. Well, it started off so well. It was so promising.

And then I got bored. You know what kids are like halfway through. So the Hampton Court is a fabulous realisation. And the ermine on the cloak. Oh, God. And then I got bored. You know what kids are like halfway through. So the Hampton Court is a fabulous realisation. And the ermine on the cloak. And then I gave up. Then I just did a triangle nose and two black dots. So it's all been let down by the balloon face. You probably started something brilliant.

That would look like it was a statement. I'm going to bring it in to show you. I'd really like to see. Do you have any artistic talent in that? I am the worst no honestly people always say to me

you can draw a bit you can draw a bit I can't and I don't know what it is I think there's too much self expression I don't want to give away too much of my story you see your girlfriend Cathy should be a professional artist

yes but she won't she just won't well she should you can lead a horse to water and indeed to Lidl as it turns out But she won't. She just won't. Well, she should. You can lead a horse to water. And indeed to Lidl, as it turns out. But no, she won't do it. Have you ever commissioned any art?

I wanted Cathy to do something for me. Sort of. I once drove a... This sounds like a joke because it's got a skoda in it, but I would never do a skoda joke. I used to drive a skoda and this guy wanted to buy it off me and he offered me, I think it was 500 quid, and he'd do a painting of me. Fantastic. So that was the deal.

Brilliant. And I've still got the painting. It looks like Billy Idol, but it's all right. It's all right, the painting. It's not great. I've got no artistic talent, so I've got a woman. There's a photo of me and my dad being shown around the Elstree Studios when I was a kid. And so it's me and my dad and we're meeting

Kermit. And I look absolutely terrified. And so I commissioned a woman, a very good artist and author and journalist called Sian Pattenden. And she gave me a knockdown rate. So it's a photo. It's my favourite. My mum absolutely despises it.

It's a painting of you, your dad and Kermit and Kermit the frog based on a real life photograph you'll probably find that Jim Henson you'll probably owe him a million

in your rights did you do an interview Kermit as if it was a real person no no I'm aware of that Frank won't tolerate that he says it's unacceptable

it is it's unacceptable ok well we come roughly to the end of the show but if there is any I'm aware of that. Frank won't tolerate that. He says it's unacceptable. It is. It's unacceptable. OK, well, we've come roughly to the end of the show. But if there is any artist listening, please enter that portrait thing for Sky Arts because I'm hoping that it'll be someone who's new who wins it. Steve, thanks again for coming. It's always a pleasure to see you.

Thank you. And we'll be back this time. Well, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week happy Easter Doctor Who is 6.15 I think BBC1 and now get out Frank

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.