The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Stand Up

Episode Date: November 24, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun talk about the perils of being a stand up, magpies, and Frank's strange lift experience.

This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And you can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Morning. Morning. Here with all those news updates for you this morning. Yeah, I just feel a bit uninformed this morning. I don't know what that's all about. Well, in case you're listening to this on a podcast

and thinking, what's the problem, in like three days' time, I was supposed to press the thing that introduced the news and I'll press the adverts. And obviously, once you press the adverts, they have to go. You can't stop the adverts. Actually, the mentioning of the podcasts does highlight you can't stop the adverts actually though, mentioning the podcasts does highlight how sort of redundant the news is really, because we frequently

get people email that listen to the podcast like a year and a half after they've happened. You're such a heat magazine weirdo yeah but that means there shouldn't be a big big quiz of the year then on Channel 4 there isn't, it's Big Fat Quiz I think it's Big Rubbish Quiz of the Year.

Come on, very nice. I'm only saying that because Emily used to work for it. Frank, can I just say there was an awkward moment between you and Daisy. Yes. When it emerged, I do like a post-mortem, you know I do. Yes. That the news hadn't been pressed, the news button.

You said, well, you pressed the wrong button as well. Yeah, well, that's true. Well, she did. She conveniently forgot that. I think you each pressed the wrong button. But the news was totally my fault. Let me take that rap. I'm calling it collective responsibility.

No, it was my fault. Oh, OK. I pressed the advert. Anyway, do you think people want to hear this rubbish? I think they wanted to hear the news, didn't they? Yeah. Look, I'll tell you the news. It's quite cold. Yeah, that is. Okay? Yeah. I saw the news this morning. It, it, you know, it wasn't. That's not how the song goes. It wasn't knockout. It's not

the news today, oh boy. Knockout. Look, I've had an odd day, I'll be honest with you. Why? Yeah, so, um, I, I got in my lift. I live on the 11th floor. Penthouse. And I do watch The Cruises Below. And I got in the lift at, what would it be, 22.7 this morning. It's quite early. And also, the flats we live in, there's lots of people that go home weekends. So weekends, you never see anyone in the lift

so I got in and a woman got in stopped on the fifth floor woman got in I thought that's unusual especially this time of the morning and then a very tall woman come in to the lift who I could see quite quickly

was a man I thought, I thought, I thought, eyes front. Just, you know, it's fine. It's fine. And then she said, can you hold the button a bit? There's another drag queen on the way, the woman. They didn't know. Yeah.

And I thought, OK. And so I'm in the lift with... Three in a lift just one woman woman and two very tall statuette, with almost no clothes on, I mean tiny short things

a hot pan it shows something about how on rock and roll I am, that one of my first thoughts was they're going to be cold when they get out but it probably adds to the cold when they get out. Perishing, yeah. But it probably adds to the effect. Colder they get, more realistic.

So, and I also had somewhere in the back of my head that it's lucky to shake hands with a transvestite. What? I've got mixed up with chimney sweep. Yeah, I think maybe. Oh, that celebrated old wives tale. Is it not lucky to shake hands with a transsexual?

No. Is that today's texting? I mean, not post-op. Pre-op, I think it is. Is it today's texting? Is it lucky to shake hands with a transsexual? Yeah, in a list of obscure superstitious beliefs. But it was, I don't know, I found it quite exciting.

And then when we got out the lift... So can I just establish the dramatic person? There's one woman and two drag queens at this point in time. And me. And you. I know, I didn't include you in that Venn diagram. In the lift. I mean, if the lift had stuck,

it would have been up to us to continue the population. Yeah. And that would have been worth seeing. Awkward moment for the lady in the list, I would have thought so. Yeah. Well, the real awkward moment is surely for the two drag queens. Because me and the lady, we're

alright with continuing the population. Why do you say that? They're going to do a toss of coin. Anyway, it might be a bit early for this debate. Did they get into a people carrier they strike me as very people carrier I think they were drug racing

no what happened was we all got out the lift together and the concierge who was on the front desk looked at me with a look that said don't you showbiz people ever look me with a look that said, don't you showbiz people ever learn? Eh?

In the very heat, the white heat of scandal, you still have to continue your terrible ways. That was a look I got. Anyway, there'll be more from Frank Skinner's Why I Live in London tomorrow night on Radio 4.

Now a book at bedtime. Ian Cranky reads Little Women. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, meanwhile, we've left the lift with you and the two drag queens. Yeah.

But last night, I had one of the worst nights of my entire life. So what about that? What happened? The drag queens were late. That doesn't turn up. They went to the wrong flat. You book them for eight. They went to that Tory MP's flat.

Such a Tory MP. Sure, we have got Tory MPs in our flat. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. Lovely people. Can I say we've got MPs from all the parties? Oh, yeah. When I say the parties, I mean those ones they have on the fifth floor with the drag queens.

Anyway, maybe I shouldn't have named the floor, looking back. Nevertheless, now, last night, a friend of mine, he had a a birthday do and he had it lords not lords no pilgrimages no uh and it was uh he combined it with an indoor cricket tournament well now i used to play cricket twice a week but i was rubbish then i haven't played for six years so i just said i'm going to come and just humiliate myself and i said to everyone before they said do you

play much cricket and i said no i'm i'm rubbish i'm actually i didn't use that word but i'm use i'm all i'm changing for what the word i actually use which was uh four letters i said i'm rubbish i've always been rubbish. And now I'm, you know, I was rubbish when I played regularly. And played for six years. So anyway, so I went in to bat. I know, I've just seen a picture. It's just been sent in.

Carry on. Oh, God. I went in to bat. Can I just say, sorry to interrupt, you look pretty hot, I have to say. I was hot. I sweat quickly. Okay. So I went into bat, and first ball I missed by about three feet,

and the second ball... That sounds bad. I was bowled again. So I actually needn't have taken my bat. If I'd gone into bat without my bat nothing would have changed at all from what happened but i was never that good with the bat right uh but i i could bowl a bit a little bit right you know so i thought at least i'll get a bowl and you know people think oh actually we missed he's actually all right so um I came into, something's happened to me.

Like my whole back and arm was developed into a crab claw. Oh, yeah. And I'd come into ball, and honestly, the ball was bouncing like two feet away from my feet. I was just basically throwing the ball into the ground. Oh, dear. Trying to ball. I mean, over and and out from a distance

it must look like a tantrum just like a man just throwing a cricket and i thought what is going i couldn't you know dartitis have you ever heard of that no it's when a bloke cannot let go oh yeah oh is that right yeah that's like dart players get it obviously oh eric non-dark players tend not to get it if they get it they don't know but it was different from the yips is it different from that maybe it is a bit like me sorry yeah come on you know that was a long time ago the world war ii um but it was it was so bad that I spoilt the game. It wasn't just bad for me. I felt I spoilt it for everybody.

I was like a virus in a computer. But there's now been two pictures of you playing it. But doesn't he look good? Well, in the second one, it looks more like he's doing capoeira than playing cricket. Capoeira! Capoeira! Can I ask, Frank, is this your garb or did you loan it?

No, no, I brought my own garb. Got your own white? That was a terrible thing. Oh, he's got all the gear and no idea. Terrible. When I got back, disgraced, humiliated and depressed. I was sleeping in the spare room last night and I got in and I could see the white glow of the cricket gear in the corner that I'd taken off.

I had to get out and put it into a cupboard because i thought i can't i can't have that looking at me well of course with um with your playing in such a low energy like not very good where you didn't last long in bats so there wouldn't even be any perspiration and it wouldn't have needed a wash oh no no humiliation no, no. Humiliation. You must remember from your stand-up career. Humiliation. Steady. It can make you very hot. Very hot humiliation. I'm not sure I like your cricketing career

being compared to my stand-up career. Honestly, it was so terrible, I can't tell you. I slightly spoilt the evening for everyone, but very early on... What did you do? Very early on in the dressing room, I upfronted the whole concept of banter. You did what?

So I said, so this is banter. Someone said something a bit joking. I said, this is banter, isn't it? I was anticipating banter. That's what happens in dressing rooms. And then everybody got self-conscious about banter. Yes, that's what will happen. It's cringing.

Yeah. Oh, my God, why do you do it? Well, I just thought, you know, I've identified banter. And it's like... Don't ruin the social order. Yeah, and I think after everyone got, yeah, the banter... Awkward? Banter became an issue.

Everyone got awkward? That's what happened. Yeah, but, you know, they need to know that it's mainly my line of work. Yeah, yeah. My line of work! When the professional cricketers and semi-pros were watching me try to bowl, that was how I felt when I was listening to their banter. They need to be fair on me, I think.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. The terrible thing was, as I went to sleep, I thought, but what about I've got a son now? And I had ideas of me and him going down the park and showing him it, and that's all gone. Well, he'll have heard about this embarrassment by now. Yeah, well, luckily I'm in a position where I can hire a series of professional coaches for him.

So, you know, every cloud. Yeah. I don't like the baseball cap on the wickets. Nothing to do with me. You're still getting photos. Yes. I look great in the photos. The camera can lie.

Anyway. OK. It's been a fabulous week for one of my heroes. Who's that? Kate Winslet. Oh, yeah. And Alan's nemesis. Barlow.

Gary Barlow. You've got to let that go. Do I? Yeah. Oh, do I? Yeah, I think you do. It's just burning you up inside. Are you swearing up to each other?

I'll let go what I choose to let go. Wow. Okay. For those of you that haven't heard, I'm speaking to the listenership now. I'll let go what I choose to let go. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. For those of you that haven't heard, I'm speaking to the listenership now, Gary Barlow stole a part off me and Miranda. Well, actually, some people gave it. Hold on, he got a part that you were up for.

He didn't steal your part. Down to the last two. Yeah. Well, hence not your part. Yeah, true. If it's you and Gary Barlow, I mean, Gary Barlow is a national treasure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why. I'm not even borderline. He got an OB for turning up for a meeting about the Queen's Jupiter. He got an OBE. Not an OBE, whatever it is. For being... What did I say? OB.

OB, outside broadcast. You were thinking of your cricket broadcasts, OBs. Don't bring up cricket ever again. He got an OBE. Yeah, he got an OBE for being the party organiser. He's in a long line of celebrities that have had them, though, isn't he? Did you see him get his award? He'd had a little haircut.

Had he? Yes, it looked a bit smike and Nicholas Nickleby. It was too short. Had he had a haircut? Yes, had he had a haircut. What a palace trim, innit? If you're going out somewhere special, you get a trim, don't you? Like a party trim.

Jimmy Carr was involved in the Queen's Jubilee concert. Where's his... Well, exactly. I don't know. I don't know what's gone wrong there. Maybe he got lost in the post. Kate Winslet as well. That's your favourite, Frank.

She got the trophy thing. Beautiful, talented, big feet. What more do you want from a woman than that? Size nine isn't it is it nine and a half nine and a half yeah i think it's 11 american that's what that drag queen told me in the lift in the lifts in the elevator shoes see See, I'm riffing on nothing. She wore a nice hat. I liked her hat. I liked it.

You would, wouldn't you, if your feet were size 9.5? You'd wear a statement hat, wouldn't you? Yeah, wear a sombrero. You'd look like a cotton reel. I like a daring headpiece. I think it's good. It was a bit like with Princess Beatrice when she wore... You know everyone said it looked like a toilet seat at the royal wedding and she did look a bit headpiece. I think it's good. It was a bit like with Princess Beatrice when she wore, you know, everyone said it looked like a toilet seat at the royal wedding

and she did look a bit psychotic. But I liked that she went for it. Go for it with hats. I think both the sisters wore. No, I like those weird hats as well. I like them a lot because I've got a very, very big head. I can't wear hats. So I look at all hats with envy.

But you could wear one of those could wear i am constantly cursed by that phrase on a label one size fits all no me and the elephant man are two people who i think are affronted by that i thought in case you didn't see k's hat, it was based on a magpie. Magpie, yeah. But sort of squashed. Yeah. And Kate's milliner, as she was described... Like something like Guy Ritchie might have shoved it down

by mistake or something. You think? Yeah. Is he a marksman? Oh, he's a big shooter. He's a big shooter. I thought he'd got a big shooter. I'll tell you what he has got.

He's got a big lower part of his face and a small upper part of his face. Guy Ritchie. Yeah, Guy Ritchie. Really? Do you remember those books you used to get where you could turn a page and you could make the top of someone's face go on the bottom of someone else's? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what Guy Ritchie's...

That's what happened to Guy Ritchie when he was born. I like Guy Ritchie's posh mother on Madonna. Do you remember what she said? Well, what do you expect if you're going to mix with that end of the market? Oh, la la. No, Madonna. That's an example. See, Madonna, everyone was criticising this week in the papers. I thought she looked fantastic.

Did you? Yeah, I thought she was hot, hot, hot. Really? She did look hot. She'd taken many layers off. No, but she looks like a beautiful woman, but made of brie. Oh. Sort of white and clammy to the top. Can we just say, Frank's ideal woman was Zola Budd for years.

Yeah, exactly. Gone off, I don't know. Yeah. Started wearing shoes and stuff. You know what? It's said that the millininer said that the hat reflected Kate's personality and I can see that because one for sorrow, you see, for one

magpie, and she's a woman with a broken marriage, she's been through a lot of heartache in recent years. And also I think there's an element of roadkill about the hat and about Kate. She's a woman who's been hit by the articulated lorry of fate. Oh, fine.

Wouldn't you say? Would you not say that? Would I not say the articulated lorry of fate? You see, it was that mumbling response that lost you your part. It wasn't Gary Barlow pulling strings. It was in your hand. You had it. It was in your hands. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Actually, now I come to think of it, the magpie thing, the one magpie being on the locker, you're familiar with this theory. Does that apply to the magpie itself? Oh locker you know you're familiar with this yeah theory does that apply to the magpie itself oh i see one for sorrow two for joy if you're one magpie on its own one magpie short the load are you uh are you necessarily um sad and melancholy by nature

maybe do you think do they end up rushing into relationships that are dysfunctional just so there can be two Magpies? There can be a pair. Or is it possible for Magpies to have a dysfunctional relationship because once two of them get together there is inevitably joy? Yeah, that's what they say, is it?

So they never have any bad relationships at all, Magpies? Is it Magpies that talk about... I like the concept of them having a relationship at all. What do they talk about when they're drunk if they never have bad relationships? The most interesting thing people talk about over about 30 is their terrible relationships. Magpies are saying,

oh, we're having such a great time. Oh, shut up about it. Shut up. Do you hear about Steve? He ended up as Kate... Kate Winslet's hat. Steve! Do they salute about Steve? He ended up as Kate... Kate Winslet's hat. Steve! Do they salute each other?

Oh, a bit like Talisa and Cheryl Cole on The X Factor. No, they never need to salute each other. Why? Because when a magpie says another magpie, there's two. Oh, yeah, you're meant to salute the single ones, is that right? It's very complicated, yes. There's a lot of rules with the magpies. It's a superstition that's turned in on itself.

Maybe that's why there was so much saluting on the day that Kate Winslet went to Buckingham Palace. They were all thinking, oh, there's a magpie there. Oh, yeah, that's it. We all thought it was the standard military thing. McQueen was thinking, oh, God, they're on it today, the boys. McQueen? Oh, there was a lovely McQueen. I thought you said McQueen. No, not Mc a lovely McQueen. I thought you said McQueen.

No, not McQueen. The Queen. I'm sorry, I live in fashion. Talking of which... Hold on. Oh, OK. Hold your high horses. Yeah, what about this thing that the Queen said to Kate Winslet?

What did she say? She said, it must be a very lovely job, what you do. And she said, well, it is, but the thing that... She says, do you love your job? And she says, I absolutely love it. But the thing that makes me happiest is being a mother. And the Queen, I mean, a mother as in, you know, she has children. She wasn't rapping.

No, not in a sort of Jay-Z sense. And the Queen said, oh, well, motherhood is the only job. Oh, dear. I don't think that's right, is it?, motherhood is the only job. Oh, dear. I don't think that's right, is it? No, it's not a job. I think she's been misinformed. It's not a job. She needs to check her bracelet.

It is not a job. Well, she needs to check situations vacant. She'll find all manner of work. What an odd thing. And I'd say something now. What does that tell you about her line of work? On the BBC website, it said that the Queen said, motherhood is the best job.

That seems more Queen. But I heard, I actually heard Kate Winslet describe what said, and she very clearly said, oh, motherhood is the only job. Oh, dear. She's getting a bit like Prince Philip now, saying the wrong thing. Do you think she's gone all mixed up? Yeah. Oh, that's how Gary Barlow got his OBE.

He's probably got mixed up with Team GB. It's meant for Gary Neville. Yeah, exactly. Gary Barlow. How could he possibly get an OBE? Don't be ridiculous. Frank. Hold it. I've got to play some adverts. I know, but I'm going to just say shortly

I will be telling you about something which... I want to trail this. Oh, okay. I saw a comedian die this week. I'm not going to say who it is. Was it me? No. Were you at the cricket?

And it wasn't in my house. You saw a comedian die? Oh. I'll reveal all shortly. I think I would have seen everything. When I see a comedian Oh. Oh, well, I think... I'll ring the alarm, shortly. I think I would have seen everything. When I see a comedian die. Oh, yeah. Everybody at home now.

Everybody. When I see a comedian die. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Frank, do you want to hear about this death that I have witnessed? Yes. I mean, it'll be a mixture of pain and... Well, I'm intrigued.

Joy. I'm actually fascinated by you both as a result of witnessing this how you would how and why you would do this for a living you know where you previously weren't yes okay I have a newfound respect for you um that's been a long time so just to set the scene for you um I was at a fashion do it was a corporate fashion do i'm not gonna this is the music i imagine okay hi hi jeff say did you see those new collars by um chanel oh yeah they're marvellous I think we've set the scene Is it Charlotte Gainsbourg in the background?

That's the exact conversation that I had with Jeff Banks No, it's not true I did look good, I have to say I know you're not meant to say that, but I don't care I think it's alright to say We don't have any other witnesses apart from yourself I wore nude temperly That was the shade, the tone.

You wore what? Temperly in nude. Tiny temperly. Did you wear a tiny temperly? No. Okay. It wasn't big. No, well, it wouldn't be.

A blue, lovely blue Louboutin shoe, about four and a half inches. With the red bottom? Yeah, the red bottom. They stole that. They stole that off the gibbons. No, they didn't. They didn't steal them off the gibbons um but frank i had last minute ablutions as well what's great about being in style do you have to bring that on well yes i do because what's great about that is you can get the girls to help out i said girl with an ablution yes i said to the beauty girls from the beauty cupboard i said um

i said my legs aren't prepped they're not prepped for because it was a new dress i couldn't wear a black tight with it no so i said um can you call me in some razors yes so i could so i could shave the leg because i was worried they didn't look quite right. Then they had to call me in a concealer to match my leg in case I had a little bruise to cover. When you say call you in, is there a dumb waiter that these things arrive on? No, they'll get it sent over for me. So they'll bike over some races? Yes. Wow.

Fantastic. I will pay for the bike out of my own money, obviously. Sure, sure you will. When that happens, do you put that in the file in your brain that goes with other first world problems? Yes, very much so. So anyway, I know what you both really want to know about. Yeah.

So we're at this dinner. We're a tough crowd because we don't eat very much, obviously. No, so you're twitchy. So there's a lot of anger and some some alcohol involved we're a bit twitchy yeah that's that's the least of it i would have thought yeah that's the most of it actually okay the scraping of forks on plates as it moves food around but doesn't eat any of it that's not forks that's their elbows that's the best compliment you've ever paid me um anyway this dude comes on i'm not going to say what his name was. No, don't name him.

A male comic. A male comic. Very much a male comic. I have never seen... I mean, he came on to Virtual Silence anyway. He did some material about... He did an impression of Tom Jones, which I didn't think was that up to date, to be honest.

I didn't think it was very topical. Still alive. I know he's alive, but still. Others have done it better still i'm trying to defend i know you are i know he did a whole thing about um alan sugar what is it with the apprentice eh i didn't think that was can i say although you haven't named him every comedian in the country will be able to. Shrink in the circle, even as you speak now. Yeah, me too. Oh, I thought you meant with discomfort and suspense. But also, we're not

wrong crowd for that kind of stuff. We're having a fabulous time. A horrible, spiteful crowd is what I'm imagining. How dare you? Sorry, everyone. There might be a lot of acid in our stomachs, but... Oh, God, don't bring that up. In a way, I'm glad to hear that he just struggled because he...

Well, do you know what made it worse? He said at the end, so he did all this apprentice stuff. How long did he do? Did he get through the whole set? I don't know. I think he might have wrapped it up quicker. Yeah. Because then he said,

can I just say this has been the highlight of my career? That was ironic, I think. Yeah, he did irony. We didn't like that was that was ironic yeah he did irony we didn't like that he was interrupted by a man shouting razors for dean halfway through you've been the most inspiring audience i've ever met in my whole life might have meant that thank you i want to thank you for your support and your encouragement tonight. Then, I don't know if I've got time to tell you this, Ross Kemp came

on. What? Hold it right there. Come in, there's heckles and there's heckles. You're telling me that he now works for a delivery company? Delivering razors. How ironic. And I suppose he takes his helmet off and say, and they work. See that? Smooth as a billiard ball.

I mean, actually, to pick it back up, we've had a text in from someone who said, I was at that awards ceremony too. And continues, I wanted to crawl under the table for the entire performance. Poor thing. Yeah, I've been at do's like that. Well, I didn't want to crawl under the table, but that's where I found myself. No, but you ended up in the Central Reservation, so all's well that ends well. Exactly.

So... I thought it wouldn't be a bad title for a play, am I right? All. Okay. So, he's just said this comic, who, you know, I am going to protect him. No, I'm not totally. I'm not going to say who he is. Because any comic can die, believe me.

I know. Particularly at a corporate event. Especially as a fashion corporate event. Leave us alone. It's not awful you lock our dress. I'm relieved to hear that it was a problem with the choice of his material, rather than, like, fabrics. And, like, if he'd worn a suit and trainers,

I would have expected him to have lasted even less time. Well, he could have been a city boy walking to work. But he said... So, guys, so we've got him saying... Where's Ross? Where does Ross fit in? So this man has just said, I will never forget you, you've been the most supportive audience, leaves the stage to silence. Right.

At this point, Ross comes on to present an award they had you know have celebrities on rather like the sony's darling when the celebrity comes on to present the world so ross is next up ross says um i can't actually believe he did this ross kemp stands and says that guy died out here tonight i think that's a quote from Ross Kemp on gangs. He gave this strange obituary. We all watched that guy die. Okay. It was such a strange thing to do. I mean, he's seen some trouble in his time, hasn't he?

Yes. I don't know why he did that. So then everyone sort of laughed awkwardly. Yeah. Well, that's why he did that. He talked a bit more about the death. He talked more about the death. Did he?

Yes. What did he have to say about it? He just said i think we all know what we've witnessed tonight i watched that guy die tonight it wasn't just a death it was a post-mortem what i mean it's shocked and stunned and horrified me i've never said i couldn't watch i was doing such arthritic claw i fractured my wrist that sounds like my bowling no it's it's a terrible and why would you do this to yourselves have you ever had anything that bad that thing about ross kemp going i remember i introduced a guy once at the club i said it's

very very funny guy i've worked with him loads of times in london it's a club in birmingham i've worked with him a lot so i'm always always absolutely stormy. Give him a massive welcome. Whatever his name was. He comes on stage and he absolutely died terribly. And he's one of those who thought, if I do another ten minutes, I'll be able to turn it round. He did about half an hour. And he died after four minutes. And he carried on and carried on.

And I went back on to, you know, the crowd was shot. And I said, oh, sorry, it wasn't him. to, you know, the crowd was shot, and I said, oh, sorry, it wasn't him. And I saw him about 15 years later, I bumped into him, and he said, do you remember that thing you said to me? And he was still, still a bit angry about it. When you go on after,

it's very hard not to say something to acknowledge it. Oh, OK. The last time I died was not that long ago. Really? It was at, yeah, I think it was a sort of a death. There was some booing. And as I left the stage, I don't know if I've told you this before, as I left the stage, I asked the audience if they'd allow me to leave in complete silence, because I felt that was the only suitable response. You did not? Yeah. Oh my God, if I'd have been there I would have ended my own life. I said I think any

applause would be inappropriate. And so off I went and they let me down. They applauded as I went off. I think they were applauding my back catalogue rather than what had happened on that night.

But it was difficult. Just FY, Cockrell's not getting away with this. No, no, no, but we have to do things like you know, adverts. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Frank? Yes! We've had an email in from one of our transgendered listeners. Oh, good. This is in response. You were telling a story earlier about being in a lift with... With two drag queens.

Drag queens, yeah. Hi, guys. I had to say something. I did find Frank's story of drag queens in the lift funny. I am a transgender... I thought it had the opson's accent. I can't speak. Help me. Carry on. I am a

transgendered male to female. Pure. So please tell him that you shouldn't shake hands with drag queens. I think a peck on the cheek would suffice. The handshake to a male presenting as a female merely reinforces the male gender role that they're hiding. So you're sort of blowing their cover.

I see. This is a... Yeah, I got myself into it. A completely accidental thing where I did a show with Rachel Riley from... Countdown. Countdown and Fatima Whitbury. And I just found that in quick succession, I was introduced to them.

I kissed Rachel Riley and shook hands with Fatima Whitbury. And it was completely just random. But then I thought, oh, no, it looks like I didn't want to kiss Fatima Whitbury. But next time I see a drag queen in the lift, I shall kiss them. And that's from Chris. That's my news resolution. want to kiss fat of a whip but next time i see a drag queen in the lift i shall kiss them and that that's from um that's from chris that's my news resolution so frank it just goes to show your program appeals to a wide variety of intelligentsia across the gender spectrum that's brilliant meanwhile can we go back to a little bit of schadenfreude this morning um i want to hear

about i always i always see the pre-op transsexual as the Swiss Army knife of human sexuality. Anyway, carry on. We were talking about how I watched a comic die this week. Ah, yes. And I was curious to know whether the cockerel had any similar experiences. Yeah, I've got several. But they sort of... They seem to kind of even out a little bit after a while

it feels like oh that was nearly a death and then there was that bit where that one table took against me for instance last week as i was leaving a comedy club i overheard a member of the audience who had taken against me on a different staircase saying a version of no he was terrible mate he was terrible not knowing that i could hear him on a different staircase yeah yeah it was like a parallel design by albrecht durer that's right yeah yeah i only play those now it's a small circuit but i'm enjoying it for the architecture did you did you say something no but then i mentioned it to somebody else who had done stand-up for a while and they told me that they once stayed in a cubicle after a gig they'd done whilst two men at the urinals discussed how little they'd enjoyed his act.

And he couldn't then walk out and wash his hands in case they went, yeah, yeah, it's you, it's you we were just saying we didn't enjoy. But that's part of it, that's just part of it. It's, um... I think it's an extraordinary thing. You occasionally die you occasionally spoke to someone else and they said yeah i.a gill lives on that staircase we've had a question as well gordon says stand-ups he's addressing you both there yeah is this gordon that used to work with

philip scofield yeah and has he got any uh names written on card? Because I don't want them. He's a gopher. He can go and get my razors and all sorts. Once you've been in telly, or are officially famous, is it true you're more likely to get approximately 32% more laughs because the audience assume that you are funny, because others have bestowed this status on you, or is this an incorrect assumption to make? Well, if I can have first go, because I can't answer that,

because I am not famous. You're in telly! Yeah, but I'm aware that I've been on telly, but the fact that this bloke has called it stand-ups rather than just to Frank and Alan, and somebody else emailed saying, Frank and that other stand-up bloke. He meant me, he thought I was transgender.

I can opt out of the famous answer. Don't know what that would be like. What is it like, Frank? Well, I always think that if someone goes to work and says, Oh, I've seen Frank Skinner doing some stand-up the other night. Brilliant. They go, Oh, OK. Whereas if they say, I saw Frank Skinner doing some...

He's terrible. Tell me about it. It's a brilliant story. So I always think that when I'm terrible, I'm giving some members of the audience a great gift. Yeah. I don't know. The theory, Jerry Seinfeld, who, as you know,

is quoted a lot by idiots. Yeah. And me. No, no, no, no. He says today, it gives you an extra three minutes But if you're not funny After three minutes they'll hate you anyway Really?

I think that's fair enough I don't want three minutes I do Give us 30 seconds I'll get you This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We've had a reply This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

We've had a reply from the gentleman that emailed in asking if you've become funnier by 30-odd percent. Oh, yeah. You're famous. And he said, hi again. I thought your reply was excellent, but only approximately 25% better than non-famous stand-ups. So good for him.

I like Gordon. Tremendous. I got slow hand-clapped off at a corporate event once. Is that bad? Is that bad? That's quite bad. Well, on the register of good to bad, yeah. It's definitely erring towards bad. It's worse when Ross Kemp comes on and says,

I watched a man die. Well, I can't help but think that Ross Kemp was standing in the wings thinking this looks like a tough gig. I'm taking him down with me if I'm going. That's exactly what he was doing. He was thinking, I'll start by kicking the guy that's already down and that way it elevates my status and I'm with them rather than him.

I was homed off at a club in South East London. The audience is going, hmmm. Oh, they're a tough lot, the Buddhist monks. No, they weren't Buddhist monks. No, that was quite a bad way to go. One place I remember I died so badly

that I started pontificating on... I said, well, this is like what it would have been like on the Titanic if instead of a band, they'd had a stand-up. And they started to sing and the stand-up had to stop and people were preoccupied because you could see fish outside the windows and stuff like that. And I think that's what you have to try and do, is try and embrace it. The way that guy did, you know, a bit of irony.

I think at the end i think his end was his was his finest hour well that night that i died and left in i tried to leave in complete silence is uh the sound man who didn't know what was going on obviously i wanted to leave in complete silence but he just did what he always did at these gigs which i told him to do and um he played um tomorrow from annie the sun will come out tomorrow which seems strange He played Tomorrow from Annie. The sun will come out tomorrow. Which seems strange to me. And I came on and did a sort of modern ballet dance to it as well.

And that's what you have to do. I think it was Terry Griffiths who said, after he got knocked out of the World Snooker Championship in the first round... Extraordinary reference. He said, you know, there's a certain beauty in defeat. Good for him. And I think that is true. I mean, I do find this heartening.

Well, he was certainly a looker, that guy, the other night. I actually find all this heartening. Like, when really good stand-ups tell their horrible death stories, there's a bit of me that thinks, oh, well, that's just part of it. I mean, it hurts when it happens, but it is just part of it. And other comics won't be particular. There's a rumour that when comics were really struggling

at the comedy store in the early days, that's when all the other comics would come out and watch. Well, that's definitely true. Yeah, yeah. Or come out of the dressing room to watch. I love this. It's a very BBC2 art show. It sounds horrible, but it's just the way that you slow down when you go past a car crash. And you don't want to see a severed head, but you don't want to not see it.

I so do. Anyway, enough about death. I think it's time for a little visit to... Hold it. Eva Connors! And relax. and relax so um i'll be kicking off with an email uh from andy from head corn hi frank alan and emily i was reading a story on the sun online a couple of weeks ago. That's okay. That's given the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. The story was about a devil child

where a distraught mother was insisting that her two-month-old child was the son of Satan. The most extraordinary thing about it was that on the very same page there was a smaller story about Katherine Jenkins. I see the link.

I see the link. I know Frank's feelings on the Welsh Warbler and wondered if this was a pure coincidence or a deliberate piece of marketing by Jenkins' PR team to cash in on the Satan story New listeners might not know that it is my theory that Catherine Jenkins is Lucifer's

representative on Earth but I think there's something in her She has a Christmas album out I notice at the moment and I went to her website and I found out that when you play but I think there's something in him. She has a Christmas album out, I notice, at the moment. Yes. And I went to her website, and I found out that when you play Away in a Manger backwards, it goes,

What's it, Lucifer? What's it, Lucifer? So she's not fooling anyone. I see myself as, you know, the Saint Michael, who must battle her in the final... Mark of Spencers. Yeah. the Saint Michael who must battle the final war of Michael the Archangel

in the battle of good and evil. Yes. On that topic, Roberto Di Matteo got sacked this week from Chelsea, but you know that there's been a whole Mark Clattenburg thing when they said the referee said a bad thing. Well, that game where he said the bad thing,

they went over to a news reporter, Sky, to a sports reporter at the ground, and he said, yeah, so it's all ended very badly. There was all sorts of accusations about referee Mark Clattenburg. And a strange thing, this time last season, the ninth game, as this is the ninth game this season, Chelsea ended up with nine men, as they did today. And that was the John Terry case arose from that game. And this one, it's the Mark Clattenburg. Weird series of coincidences there.

And I thought, is this like the Wicker Man score of Sports Report? It was very bizarre. Frank, Andy also has a request at the end of this email he says by the way i now always sing brass in pocket he calls it brass in my pocket but we'll let that go every time i draw out money from the cash point but i don't have a clue how the tune goes so i currently sing it to the tune of pig iron i got all pig iron which surely isn't right that's in pocket can you give me one more demonstration so that I can at least sing it to the right tune? Yes, again, for new listeners.

Whenever I take money from a cash point... Which isn't that often. No, I always walk away singing... Got brass in pocket. Yeah, all right, enough. Yeah, so that's how it goes. So, got right. Enough. Yeah, so that's how it goes. So... The brass.

Hoo! In parking. Ha! That's Tom Jones remix. I incorporated the backing vocals from Kung Fu Fighting. Everybody going, Kung Fu Fighting. Hoo! Yeah, I love it.

Or Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Oh, yeah. You know, the guitar. Or, um, Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Oh, yeah. You know, the guitar. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh! Oh! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh!

Oh! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Bear with me. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Are we still technically an email corner? Oh, yeah. Well, I haven't sounded the retreat.

We haven't got exit music from email corner, have we? That would be good. We'll get working on that. Let's see what we've got here. Let's see what we've got. What about this? When we finish email corner, which we haven't yet, I'll play this. this when we finish email corner which we haven't yet i'll play this that feels a bit like we're rowing away from email call that's how we leave it's like it's

like crossing the uh the sticks uh let me read you an email then since we're there frank allen and lucky last a phrase that my dad used but I never understood, the lovely Emily. Oh. I think it was earlier this year that a listener offered you a life-size rocking horse. Yes. And despite great excitement in the studio, I suspect that was mainly from me that thought it was something free. No, I thought it was brilliant.

I thought it was brilliant. I could recreate the danger high voltage video. Yeah, yeah. How often can you say that? You've got something of the Dettori physique as well. Yeah, I think that's the drugs. But I never... It's allowed.

I never did get it. No, it's too late. Oh, well they're asking. It's not good opening the stable door. I am pretty sure that we the listener never got to hear if it was ever collected. Not that I'm surprised. Said horse was miles away. So here is a gift for Frank that I can post to you. It's Top Cat's

coin. A 50 pence piece that we found in one of our vending machines. Hole drilled, long piece of string attached. I work for Europe's largest vending company. Alright. It's not your CV. Pitch him for other work. No, no, he's given himself some

context. And when I retired, I kept He continues. He's given it context. And when I retired, I kept said coin. It's in my office. Frank, would you like it? And that's from Rob Long, time listener. No, he's capitalised Long. Rob, long time listener. He might be a pioneer.

His surname could be Long. I think it is. Oh, maybe. Anyway, it's from Rob Long. Well, I'd be very happy to have Top Cat's coin. It's probably worth at least 50p, isn't it? Well, you know. If you think about it.

No, but not if you keep using it over and over and over in machines. I once saw Top Cat's waistcoat for sale in auction. Did you? I could have put that on my Foxy Bingo. Because, you know, he just wore a waistcoat and a straw boater. That was all he wore. No pants. No pants. That was the problem,

because, you know, the two tightening straps at the back of a waistcoat? Yeah. He'd worn those hanging down. Oh. And there was inevitable consequences. Oh. And there was a little bit of cat excrement in the... That's the most disgusting thing you've ever said.

In the buckle mechanism. Just caught up. Just caught up. Just caught up. And it stopped me buying it. You could have got it out with a pen or something. But the coin I'm happy with. What else? I like the fact that Emily is so revolted

by this discussion of a cartoon character. I just like the fact that I've used the phrase bockle mechanism. I do as well. Oh, we've also just had a text in, Frank. Here's one for Emily. I've noticed that Emily's voice sounds almost identical to Susanna's from Trinny and Susanna.

Does she know this? Well, you're both in a similar line of work. Well, there you go. I'll have a listen later. It is the voice of style that's what you're hearing yeah that's what you could be um frank i'm not really done yet with email corner i'm not through with it yet we're not even in the rowing boat i was looking a bit longingly towards the bank but i'm still here. Okay. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan... So was I a few years ago.

But to no avail. You've got your diary. Yeah, I've got my diary. Did you get a pen as well? Oh, yeah, one of those that talks in. I use it now as a notepad. Lovely. Got it in my pocket.

My husband and I watched you at the Blackpool Grand Theatre on the 27th of November, 1994. It's too late for a refund. Sorry. At the time, I was eight months pregnant. I remember you noticed the dust on the stage and regularly fed the chickens in the

orchestral pit. Oh, God, I was on fire. Some of your best work that night. When we returned home, I into labor oh and gave birth to our son jacob four weeks early at 10 58 a.m i've always been convinced that my laughter that night caused the labor and i've always wanted to let you know how lovely i always advise anyone who's pregnant to go and have a good laugh forget about the curry and a long walk or that other thing that caused the pregnancy in the first place. On Wednesday

Jacob will be 18 and we're immensely proud of him. We hope you get as much joy from Buzz as we have had from our lovely boy. Regards, Joanne and Paul. That's very very lovely, isn't he? I think that's great. I worried when I saw I skimmed that email and saw something about 1994 and someone going into labour.

That could have been wrong. I panicked. Well, I hope that's true. Well, happy birthday to Jacob and I mean, Boz will be what he will be. It's like that episode of Merlin, isn't it? When his father the ghost, you know, they give him a horn and it brings up the ghost of his father

and he comes back and tries to change the way that Arthur is. I know you're parodying, but you know that there's absolute listeners in their black t-shirts and converse nodding at the radio, as you say. It's like that episode of Merlin. I hope that's true. My heart's just sunk a bit because I've realised that Boz was one week overdue. This baby was four weeks premature, which means I'm five weeks less funnier than I used to be.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skin be. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in Email Corner. We are. There we do linger. And in Email Corner, we often have emails that have come in during the week to the show, but this is literally just in. Hot off the press.

Hot off the press. It's entitled Waxwork Discovery. Good morning Mr Frank Radio, Mr Alan Cochran and the loveliest Emily Dean. I was listening to your story about finding Bob Dylan in the middle of a war scene at a waxwork museum. Pick you up. Geldof.

Pick you up on a technicality. It was somebody else's story and it was Bob Geldof. Yeah, I believe it was. Other than that, you're bang on. Was it Trafalgar? I think it was on the HMS Victory, wasn't it? It was, yes. They both look a bit grubby in fairness. The story was that someone had basically recycled a Bob Geldof

waxwork. That's right, we've been spotting recycled waxworks out and about, haven't we? On our travels. We've had a whole waxwork theme. Susan Sarandon in a shop window. It got me thinking about a time I visited the Thackeray Medical Museum in Leeds with my boyfriend. I'm from Leeds, living in Huddersfield with my southern boyfriend and wanted to show him around my city a bit. No judgement.

Yeah, exactly, none. Not much. Anyway, whilst wandering around the pregnancy and birth area of the museum... They could have gone to Home Firth and dined in Compos Kitchen. They could have, yeah. They didn't. They didn't. They went to the Thackeray Medical Museum. Anyway, whilst wandering around the pregnancy and birth area of the museum, we happened upon a scene from the hospital

where a pregnant lady was being comforted by her partner. Can I just say I love the sound of this? It doesn't get gross. Upon closer inspection, the scene seemed a bit off until i realized we'd come across a pregnant waxwork man not a woman i don't blame them for recycling mannequins but surely they should have done better than slinging a mousy brown curly wig onto a man who looked similar to popeye and stuffing a pillow up his top. Needless to say, it has made me question... You knew this wasn't in my lift. It does feel quite germane, doesn't it?

It's been a day. It's been the thing today. Needless to say, it has made me question the way the Thackeray Medical Museum think babies are born. Love the show, Amy. P.S. I am a student at the University of Huddersfield and recently saw Patrick Stewart. I hear you talk about him a lot on the show, do we? I think we did a bit last week. I have to say, no-one is more aptly suited to be mentioned in a PS than Patrick Stewart.

Yeah. Oh, lovely thing. Very good. That's very good. I'm so proud of you right now. I'm so proud of you, Silvers. So what did you say about Patrick Stewart? I wondered if next time I happened upon him, I should tell him he's a friend of the show.

Do it. Well, it's funny you should mention Patrick Stewart, because we've had an email in, Frank, re-Sir Patrick Stewart, to give him his full title. I'd forgotten that. He's a knight of the realm, isn't he? I had the great pleasure to meet and work with Sir Patrick Stewart, one of the nicest, warmest and most avuncular people I've ever met.

Oh, uncle-like. Yeah. I mentioned the cockerel's postulation. Did you? That he, the cockerel, was the second most famous person from whatever that obscure town is. What is it? That is so harsh.

Is it Dunstable or something? The place I grew up... Is that wrong? The place I grew up is a place called Murfield. M-I-R. Murfible. Murfield. But there's even people... Murfield.

Murf. Because Murfield would be a good place for a comic to go, wouldn't it? It would. I can't remember it already. That or Giggleswick. Okay. Yeah. Well, Sir Patrick apolog apologized for his lack of awareness of him he'd never heard of the cockerel but did counter that the second most famous person from that random northern town was in fact i like you was in fact a chap called reg who came forth in the tour de france many moons ago or as frank calls it, the Tour of France.

Ray Tarris. Must be Ray Tarris. It's my sad duty to report that the cockerel is in fact the third most famous person from Moorfield, or whatever it is. Yeah. I like the fact that the place I grew up is so small that even emailers who are emailing about it are deliberately getting the name wrong and going, whatever.

I like the fact that your career now is a tussle between you, Sir Patrick Stewart, and a dead cyclist to see who can be the most famous. Yeah. I suggest, last minute suggestion, maybe if you carried out an assassination of some kind, you'd be in all the papers. This chap that came forth in the Tour de France many moons ago, I think because of recent revelations he actually won it now.

I think he's moved up the rankings, you know, because of Lance Armstrong. Ah. Tough crowd. Yeah, I liked it. Ha ha ha! Four. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio

We're still, it's been a long stay in the, we're still in email corner. It's practically a welcome break Frank, Emily and Alan as I know you have a penchant for comments on the Daily Mail website Yeah, I bought it during the time the Spaghetti Westerns.

They were very popular. I don't really wear it when it's this cold. But Ponchant. Yeah. I thought I might send you this one. Now, this I like. The idea that the listenership are going to send us Daily Mail websites and links. Yeah, it's great.

A bit better. It's sort of double Vox Popped. Yeah, they can prep the show entirely. Just send us a list and we'll... Prep the show over my dead body. Following the news that David Beckham is going to leave LA, the speculation is rife as to what he will do next.

Andy from The Wirral came up with this classic, probably end up back in Blighty and signing on down the local job centre. I hope he's not referring to Absolute Vicky Blight. Can I just say I love the sound of Andy from The Wirral. What's the point of having a job centre when the only job is motherhood?

Apparently so. There's no point in David Beckham going down there for that job. But also, with David Beckham, surely he's got about eight properties in the United Kingdom. What would be his local job centre? He'd have a long time thinking, well, do I want to use my Hertfordshire home for signing on, or shall I go with the... Well, that's the problem. I didn't think you could sign on. If you've got more than 4,000 in the bank, I don't think you can sign on.

Well, that's funny, because I saw someone recently pulling up in a black cab outside with the meter on. It's probably the driver. When I used to sign on, I used to be a bloke. I love her when I used to sign on. I used to get off the coal van, come in, sign on, covered in coal, I mean, black from head to foot, and sign on. That can't be wrong, can it?

Can't be wrong? Oh, Friday and sleep. and sign on. That can't be wrong, can it? Can't be wrong? Oh, Freudian slip. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan the Cochran.

Cochran. You can text us at 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. No one's texting us at all. We used to do organised text-ins, which rallied our followers. But now we expect them to be proactive. And maybe it's too much this early in the morning. Just text.

I have abandonment issues. Can you text? Thank you. Frank. Yas. I feel somewhat reluctant to mention the d word here the d word this is a painful subject for you to discuss this is um daniel craig oh daniel craig the betrayal as i call it because um no he daniel craig stole your cleaner we all know that i

wouldn't say he stole her. OK. Purloined. I was trying to think of another word. Yes, I could see you. No, you're right, he stole her. He stole her. Poached. Yes. But I don't know how you'll take this news.

You may have seen it, but did you see he's finally... It's lovely news for James Bond. He's finally passed his driving test in America. No, you see, we were talking about this earlier today. I don't read newspapers anymore other than the headlines. So I just thought he'd passed his driving test this week

which I find amazing. But it's in America. I thought, well, who's driving that Aston Martin about? It's still a bit embarrassing though. I hope he didn't have L plates and it wasn't a Ford Focus. Do they do that in america oh yeah i'm sure they do what did he do did he didn't use the old uh he didn't use the bonko the aston martin yeah yeah yeah he had it specially fitted with um another set of pedals for the instructor as well it's hard when you're a celebrity i

remember i think it was noel gallagher was learning to drive and it was a bit embarrassing seeing him doing all his rock anthems about champagne and cigarettes and then he was coming out of the BSM car. Well, anyone over 30 learning to drive is terribly embarrassing. I was going to say that. Gary Glitter passed his driving test in a Rolls Royce. Is that right? Yeah.

What are you doing in that throat cut? What? What have I said? Absolute God. I was 28 when I passed. You were 28? Yeah. That's alright, you got under the wire. You meet adults. Oh, the wire, have you seen the wire? Love it. What box set do you want? I do like the wire.

What about that time in Merlin when Gandalf takes his driving test. You can't join our gang. When Morgana forced that woman to pretend that her father was being held and she had to go and rescue him, really, it was a trap? No, none of us have seen that, Frank. Okay. Where were we?

I believe... When we passed our driving test. How old were you again, Frank? Oh, I was a late... My first driving test I took when I was 17, but I knocked someone over on a zebra crossing. Oh, my God. And that put me off for some time.

And other questions I wish I'd never asked. For the avoidance of doubt is a fail. Any of the listeners who want that... Your avoidance of doubt is a felony. They still did all the questions at the end about traffic signs, and I thought, oh, maybe... Maybe there's so much good on the other side of the scales. He's let me off with it in that boat

on the zebra crossing. It was a false hope. I was quite a young driver. 21. Lovely. And I had Keith. He used to make me cry every single lesson. Very strict man. Very strict. But it was good for me because I passed first time.

Yeah, I finally passed when I was 27, anyway. And I did one of those, I did what they call a crash course. Yeah, they should really say intensive. Yeah, they should.

And I, so I went back to the car after and I said to my instructor, well, you know, great, I passed and that. He said, oh, that's brilliant. I said, I thought you'd be pleased. He said, yeah, I'm and that. He said, that's brilliant. I said, I thought you'd be pleased. He said,

yeah, I'm really pleased. Another dodgy driver on the road. Well, I mean, that wasn't fair. Anyway, so it turns out from this story that he's taken his American driving license. Because he says he spends most of his time

with Rachel Weiss now in New York. Oh, they don't do much driving there. Feels like my cleaner might have slipped up there. Surely they get ferried about if they're in New York. If they're living in New York, what's she doing? How many times can you do the oven? Never, in my cleaner's case, don't do oven. Yeah.

Really? She said that when she joined me, don't do oven. My cleaner's never said that, but she doesn't do the oven. OK. I leave it open. I use one of those... Well, that looks a bit threatening, Frank, if you don't mind me saying. You know those Dayglo cut-out cardboard arrows that you sometimes get in shops pointing to a bargain?

Oh, like golf sales. I've got three of those around the oven. The open oven. Still. Nothing. Hasn't been touched. I can't help but think that the listenership may be thinking that we've returned to first world problems.

Yeah. Yes, you're absolutely. Complaining about uncleaners not doing the oven. I'm afraid you're right. Yeah. Well. Well. You know, I think, isn't it more about the people just don't stand back after a job anymore

and say, yes, I did that. Isn't that what it's about? Depends on the job, really. Anyway. £15 an hour. £15? Yeah. For cleaning or driving instructions.

Daniel Craig. That's what Barbara Broccoli told me. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I went to see Skyfall, speaking of Craigie. Oh, yeah. Craigie. Craigie, Daniel Craigie. I have this thing, if I go to the cinema and I sort of like the film and the hero's a bit, you know, dynamic,

when I come out, I can feel myself walking slightly differently. Oh, yeah. Influenced by... What do you mean? Yeah, I feel like I'm doing a James Bond-type walk. It always happens to me. He's a bit more... How were you walking?

I can feel it. And even if I say something to the person I'm with, I speak slightly, in my head, a bit more like the hero of the film. It just takes a while for it to wear off. Oh, my God, I hope you didn't go and order a martini after this. No, but I'll tell you what I did do. As I walked back to my car, of course, I had my keyring fob, so it felt a bit like a gadget.

So I walked back to my car and ping and uh you know the car but uh and i felt very bond like and then as the as the light interior light but when the interior light came on it illuminated the child seat in the back and the whole thing crumbled it was in fact there's nothing it was a potememkin fantasy. Google it. There's nothing in the article about the instructor worrying about being sat in the ejector seat in a Bond car. And it made me think, because

apparently... Don't exaggerate. Apparently, it was a five-hour responsible driving course. Yeah. Five hours. And that's not even in the car. That's sitting in a room. Yeah, and doing course work. Stuff about driving.

It'd be like some terrible Top Gear all-nighter. But also, it made me realise if James Bond was real, he'd be forever doing courses and training, wouldn't he? You never see that part. You don't see that in the film. You don't want to see the workings. You don't want to see the workings. You don't want to see the admin. I can't come from a teeny because I've got to do me health and safety in the workplace.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. He is as the swan. He's graceful, but the feet underneath are kicking back. I like, my favourite thing about Skyfall was the female trained assassin who decided to become a secretary at the end. Ooh, spoiler alert. Yeah, spoiler alert. Is it spoiler alert?

It is. I still haven't seen it. For me, getting to see Skyfall is an adventure in itself, because every time I look at it I think, well, I need four hours, basically. It's a two and a half hour film, plus journeys. Since I've had a child, I'm going to put off and put off. I went to the cinema on Thursday. What did I see? Batman, The Dark

Knight Rises. Did you? How long's that been out? You know when the film's been out so long that the screen it's on is like the same size

as your iPhone. Yes. It was like that. You're going to see Forrest Gump next week, Frank. That's a good one. You'll like that. Adele as well.

She's food obsessed. I don't mean to be rude though, Al, but I do. I think there comes a point when you can't say it claims spoiler alert. You can't cry that. It's not my fault that you haven't seen it yet.

Hurry up. It's been out a long time now. I don't think it's mine either. I think it's just life. It is. Life is getting in the way. Every time I look for a four hour window to go and see this film, I can't find it. I can't do it. I'm oppressed. Anyway.

Sherry trifle. Apple crumble. Is that Adele? Yeah. I'll tell you, she's obsessed. So anyway. What else? Oh, Frank.

I'll tell you what else. Did you see that awful thing in that toilet in Scotland? I've seen it. I'll be all right in a minute. He doesn't like toilet humour, does he? He doesn't like it. Always takes me back to the 90s. I'm all right now.

No, Frank, not that toilet in Scotland. It's not Glasgow. Not Glasgow. It's Paisley. Which is near Glasgow. Oh, is it near Glasgow? Not a part of it. Oh, dear.

Oh, yes, you and Cry used to talk about that. Did they? Sing about that. So they found a python coiled round their loo. Oh, yes, I read that. Yeah. Around the toilet seat. Yes.

They're an elderly couple. And well, you see now, let me stop you there. Elderly couple. The police, or whoever it was, the animal people, said that it's been well looked after, this snake. The owner, you know, can come and get it. If you're the owner, you're going to be thinking, yeah, I did used to like that snake,

but do I want it now it's been round, coiled round the toilet seat of an elderly couple? No. Keep it. No one's going to claim that snake. Surely they could just give it a wipe with a dishcloth. You can't know why. They hate to...

What, with an old jaycloth? One of the selling points of the snake as a pet is that it's wiped down. No, they won't. Yeah, but they won't take Dettol. That's my experience. It's not like dog fur. Don't draw the line at Dettol.

I like that that's why you buy the snake. That's what I'd get a snake for. They're wiped down. And if you don't like that skin, there'll be another one along in three months. It's handy with a child, isn't it? You can just wipe them off. Yeah, exactly. I have to confess, this was hideous to me, this story,

because I've always had a slight phobia about things coming at me from the toilet. Oh. I know it's a bit irrational, like rats. Is it since that alligator film? I don't know. Is it an alligator film where it was in the sewers? No, it isn't, and I resent that allegation. I just have a phobia about things biting.

Yes. Well, I can see, because one is very exposed. Oh, absolutely, yeah. It's like that bit in Casino Royale, when he's made to sit on a wicker chair with no... Oh. Fabulous. Yeah, I don't know.

No, it sounds terrible. Also, they've called it Lulu. I like that. Let me ask you a question. Whenever they find an animal, or sometimes it's a child an abandoned child they give it they say and the and the thing they've called it louise or they've called it um but why have they called it anything well lulu surely it's because they found

it in the toilet why have they called it why does it need a name it's not it's all probably it's already got a name so if the person that doesn't come and does come and get it back with gloves on they um they're gonna say no it's not called lulu why have you given it a name, so if the person does come and get it back with gloves on, they're going to say, no, it's not called Lulu. Why have you given it a name for just a few days? Just so you can get in the paper for being a bit witty. Maybe it's to save them time from saying the snake that we found around the toilet. Well, at least if you said that snake we found in a toilet seat in Paris, there's only going to be one. It's only a python.

When my grandmother was married to one of my five grandfathers living in the Sudan, they found a black mamba. Lethal. I don't know what to say. This is Frank Skinner of Sleep Radio. No, playing sleep. we were just talking about, which is where the snake materialised. I wonder if it was anywhere near Gerry Rafferty Drive.

Oh, yeah. Which is a road in Paisley. Is it? Named after Gerry Rafferty. Yes, I went to school with his daughter. Did you? Lovely. Did you?

As we know, there's a street in London, Baker Street, which I presume was also named as a tribute to Gerry Rafferty. Yeah. But... That was to Bob Holness. I'm fascinated by sort of relatively modern people becoming road names. Mm-hm.

I notice at South East London you get the odd, like, Athlete or Henry Cooper way. Do you? Yeah. Why did he get up for the brute ads? He was, you know, he was quite a big star in his day, Henry. And I'd like to know if any of our listeners live near a road or named after a sort of fairly modern person. I'd like to know if any of our listeners live near a road named after a sort of fairly modern person.

I'd like to know who that is. I'm fascinated by who gets the honour. You can see where my mind's going. I can, yeah. I like the fact that two and a half hours into the show we're starting a text in. That's good, you know. Even wanting more.

Oh, yeah. That'll be the day. I must remember that. That's where I'm going wrong so often. I've also found that the most dangerous council flats are always named after great writers. Yeah? Oh, weird.

That's in Birmingham and in London. Really? Yeah. Oh. Chores a house, you wouldn't. Anyway, what else? I'd like to dip briefly. I'd like to teach the world come on everybody perfect harmony perfect time

losing it in a house he um this is from scott perry scott per? I like the sound of. He sounds like he'd be very attractive. Yeah. God, that Scott Perry's hot. Hot Perry, I call him. Hot Perry sauce. He just sounds a little hot. He does. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily.

Following your query last week, I feel like we're ringing customer service centre. I can vouch that Mr Briggs, oh, that's Johnny Briggs, Mike Baldwin, is indeed fine and dandy. In fact, he was recently sat opposite me at the doctor's in Portishead.

You can also... Hold on, hold on. If he's fine and dandy, what's he doing at the doctor's? Well, just a check-up, maybe. You've got to get an MOT. Who needs Twitter? You heard it here first. Johnny Briggs, maybe. You've got to get an MOT. Who needs Twitter? You heard it here first.

Johnny Briggs, ill. You can also spot the 80s celeb in other parts of Forteshead. Eddie Large is often seen on his balcony overlooking the posh marina area or at the two-for-ten-pound meal deal at our local pub. Good for him. Have any of your other listeners been this lucky? If you've spotted an interest in

celebrity recently, do let us know. And I like the idea that he's at the two-for-one meal, but it sounds like he's there on his own. I went on my own and ate two meals once. I ordered it and said, could you bring the fish and chips? Second. Eddie Lodge is already... Well on the way.

How much is that balcony going to take? I hope they're in his balcony, as he hasn't been spotted on Johnny Briggs' balcony. Some sort of... He's not a father's for justice. Is he Eddie Lodge? I don't think so. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

We've had an email in, entitled I Can't See You. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. I'm an avid podcast downloader, and along with many other listeners, I enjoy listening to your amusing ramblings. During my Sunday morning run, I live in New Zealand, and while spending my Saturday night doing my Christmas shopping, God, I love the internet, I thought I'd log on to the Absolute website so I could listen to the show live and also see you all on the webcam.

Lovely. But the studio is empty! Exclamation mark. What? You all hiding under invisibility cloaks. Still love the show, even though I can't see your smiling faces. Much love, Kerry. Frank makes us crouch under the dirt. Not in a sinister way.

The invisibility cloaks that were all over the internet for their... they're getting closer and closer to being able to do them, aren't they? Well, I wear one. We've all got one now. I know people walk into me so much in London, I assume I wear one all the time. Well, it's my greatest dream to have one. Six weeks to go.

I can only suppose that the webcam is set up in the wrong studio. Is that what you've supposed? I just assumed some massive internet armageddon. I think that's a little mundane, that explanation. You think it's all a bit Twilight Breaking Dawn, is that what you're saying? A bit Merlin. I think I sniff skullduggery on the part of Andy Bush.

What, you think he's trying to block us out visually? Yes, I do. The truth is, it is on in a different studio. Can I say, as a celebration of this, Emily's done the whole show in her bra and pants. And me and the cockerel are actually in a pantomime zebra outfit. Lovely onesie. It's not.

He did promise me that I could be the front bit for the end somehow that's gone by the wayside anyway we had some answers to our famous recent people I can't believe that you've lit up the system with your request about I'm very interested in this

because often you have to be you know dead and old we've had absolutely loads thank you for that by the way often you have to be, you know, dead and old. We've had absolutely loads. Oh, we have. I mean, really. Freddie, Freddie says... Thank you for that, by the way, for just reminding us there are people out there. Yeah. What's the goodies? Freddie says, after moving to Derby last year, I was shocked

to find myself driving down Lara Croft Way. Oh, darling, that's not even a person. I'm sorry she's not in Merlin. Is that a joke or is that real? We have three Lara Crofts. Reggie says it as well. Various and 638 said Lara Croft. There's several.

If you want living people that are impressive for naming a house after, there's a block of flats in North London called Ian Wright House. Oh, well, that obviously, any absolute link. That's pretty cool. We're happy with. Yeah, we like that.

Ian Wright, Wright, right, right, right. Apparently the Esplanade in Exmouth is called John to Roadway after the one from MasterChef that pulls extraordinary faces. He's not even that famous. That bloke... He's pretty famous. It's not even Greg Wallace. It's the other one.

It's not even Greg Wallace. There's probably a Greg Wallace called his act somewhere else. Tim Lovejoy. Do you think it'll say that on his... Tim Lovejoy Close. On his gravestone, it'll say, not even Greg Wallace. There's probably a Greg Wallace cul-de-sac somewhere else. Tim Lovejoy. Do you think it'll say that on his... Tim Lovejoy Close. On his gravestone it'll say, not even Greg Wallace. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Cliff Richard in Tynan Flats in Chesham.

No, that's my... As he came from there, that's from Matt. He came from Lucknow, India. Oh, dear's my dog. As he came from there, that's from Matt. He came from Lucknow, India. Oh, dear. Cliff Richard. Harry Webb, as he was. You know the Lara Croft that you said it's not ever named after a person? Someone's texted, just to clear up the Lara Croft puzzle,

it's because the people who invented the game are based in Macworth, Derby. Pleased to be of service. Thank you very much. Well, that's good. That's a good thing. That's celebrating local industry, but in a quite sexy way. And whilst based in the Derbyshire area, I've always admired the people who live in a place called Clown in Derby. I think that'd be good, wouldn't it?

A town called Clown? Clown. Clown Town. They basically live in Clown Town. You'd like good, wouldn't it? A town called Clown? Clown. Clown Town. They basically live in Clown Town. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Imagine if you lived there. Frank Skinner. Clown.

Just written on the front of your envelope. The trouble is with Clown, it's a noble profession, but I feel it's been taken over by Dave Swift, who works in sales. Right. Who listens to Five Live. Who says things like,

yeah, look at that clown. You know what I mean? So it's been spoilt now. Oh, yeah. That's my view. A street in Aberdeen called White Stripes Drive. No, there is not. You can't just keep saying no, there is not.

White Stripes Drive in Aberdeen. Ask people to text in. What days are producers... In good faith. ...said there's a road in Royslip named after Fern Cotton? Can that possibly be true? Well, I know what your response will be.

No. You have to wait a bit longer than that. You couldn't make it up. But what if Fern Cotton's involved in a terrible scandal and they'll have to rename that? I can't imagine who you're thinking of. What do you mean?

Have I accidentally stumbled onto it? I'm just thinking if there's any more good ones that we've had. Yeah. I'm happy with it. A lot of them are sort of, I mean, proper, noble, political. Marcus Garvey is one, isn't he? Yeah. Steve Beaker.

Benny Hill Close. Malcolm Sargent. Apparently you're never more than six foot away from a rat. Penny Hill Close is a warning that used to go up in the 1970s. The nurse is everywhere. I live near Elstree Studios and local streets there are named after the actors, e.g. Hancock Court, Kelly Close, Rutherford Close. I love all that.

Soon for Kelly Brook, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. It's a dual carriageway. And somebody's just texted in, if I was famous, I would change my name to the High Street. I don't know why. No,

then they'll have a road named after her. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. I get it now. It's like changing your name to JWD4798 rather than buying a personalised number plate. It's a cheap way of doing it. I'm fascinated by the whole concept. Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening, and we love you all. Absolute Radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio