The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Stay Buckled

Episode Date: January 18, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank starts this week's show with a question regarding toilet etiquette. The team also discuss phone gaffes, Bieber's egg throwing, Emily's fall and we have belly button fluff update from the Cockerel.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show, when I say the show I mean this one, on 81215. You can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the Absolute Radio website direct. Oh, I love it when the housekeeping's out the way. Nice. Morning.

Good morning. Morning, Peter. Morning, everyone. We never say we should say morning to each other like they do on the cricket. Right, yeah. Morning, Richie. I don't like it. You don't like it?

No, I think we should dispense with it already. Morning, Emily. Oh, that was absolutely vile. What's that? I just said morning, Emily. Oh, that was absolutely vile. What's that? I just said morning, Emily. That sounded horrible. I like it. You know, like when you do a, if you do a chat show, something on the telly, chat show, you're sitting.

I love, if you do a chat show, oh, no, you don't know what that's like. No, no, no. No, but you talk to the people backstage and chat to them and stuff. And then you say, well, we'll start the show. And then you walk on. And then when they come on, you hug them and shake their hands and say hello. You're just talking to them backstage. And no-one thinks it's false.

No. I want to ask you something. No, I don't want to alienate you, Emily, but this is something to do with gentlemen's conveniences. Won't be alienating moi. OK. No, I don't want to introduce toilet humour

of any kind on breakfast radio, so let's keep it clean. But there is something which is confusing me. I'm looking to you, Alex. I need some extra research. I'm finding this... I think I can say urinal

on Absolute Radio. Is that alright, Daisy? Yeah. I think you can say urinal on Absolute Radio. Is that all right, Daisy? Yeah. OK. When at the urinal, sounds like the beginning of a fabulous poem, but isn't it? I've noticed now that people around me using the facility, men, obviously. I thought you were talking like a policeman. Yeah, people.

Yeah, I was proceeding down the road in a northerly direction. obviously i thought you're talking like a policeman yeah people oh yeah i was um i was proceeding down the road the northerly direct no but i've noticed lots of unbuckling going on right so blokes get to the urinal and then it's all completely unbuckling and when you say unbuckling which fyi is absolutely disgusting absolutely disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. We'll get on to that. Why? Oh, go on. Clanking around like Jacob Marley. Who wants that? You're right.

When you say unbuckling... I thought they were Jacob Marley. Jacob Marley from Christmas Carol. Christmas Carol. A ghost in the chains. Oh, okay, right. Who's dead as a doornail? Basically, do the trousers go onto the ground? No, no, not onto the ground.

Do they take the pants off as well? No, the trousers just hang there like some sort of... How are they getting purchased? Like a terrible nest. How are they getting purchased? Some gentleman would hold the unbuckled trouser and their gentleman's... But why are they unbuckling?

What happened? You know, why take the roof off if you can get out the front door? That's a good point. That's a good point. That's what flyholes are for. You just stand and you unzip and that's it. That's true. When did it start, the unbuckling?

What's it about? Is it a skinny jeans thing, do you think? Oh, Alan. It's the skinny jeans. What does it mean? They're so skinny that they have to give themselves an actual bit of breathing space. And of course that skinny jean won't fall down. Exactly, you could just go hands-free with the skinny jean.

Skinny jean won't fall down is a Michael Jackson track that didn't actually make the album. I thought it was a Kevin Costner film. I really feel for Men In Urinals, though. Me too. Because, no, I think there's something so primitive and barbaric about men having to do that. Against the wall. You're right. Just, we get privacy. And I want privacy, please, in that situation.

It's like medieval. Why do you have to get into such a strange competition as well? It's horrible. Can I ask you a question? You can, but I might not answer it okay if you know someone this is what makes me ill in the urinal let's say you and alan in a track in a minute you both need to go yeah there's a urinal do you make what do you say to each other all right mate well actually is that what you say well i have occasionally been to the bathroom simultaneously in absolute and he uh he leaves the full door open. It's not a urinal system here, it's cubicles.

Full door open. I've got nothing to be ashamed of. Well, I shut it across because I'm not just an unbuckler, I'm a full trouser dropper. Trousers, boxers, right by the ankles, even the urinal. No, I'm only kidding. No, I was hoping. I said we'd keep this clean, but we're barely holding on by our fingers now.

I haven't even got to my next problem. And relax. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I said that I unbuckle and fully drop the trousers.

That's very dependent on, dependent on what I'm wearing. I wouldn't do that if I had my white tux on. I'd probably hold at about thigh level. Anyway. I think if someone unbuckles in a urine, I think there should be a panic button. You can hit. Yeah.

I think a panic button should be in every public toilet. I'm so frightened of public toilets anyway apart from the intimidation element of just the hygiene thing. We've been so taught now that we can't... Oh God, I don't touch it.

Sometimes I'll go... Don't shut the door. I have gone to a public toilet done the full sitting down thing and done the whole thing with a pair of disposable chopsticks. I haven't touched anything with my hands at all. Everything's been on but i'm so worried you know those press flushes now like

you've got here where you press i use my knock like my fist i i sort of punch it like you're bumping fists with someone yeah now i'd probably be a really brilliant fighter next i got like poison pies and arrows my knuckles i hit someone they'll get some horrible illness I've got like poison arrows, my knuckles. I hit someone, they'll get some horrible illness I've got from dozens and dozens of cisterns. You know what you could do instead is just when you fill up the car with fuel, get some of those

plastic gloves that you sometimes see in service stations. No, but you can't. You can't be seeing inside pocket on your suit. You can't be seeing disappearing into a cubicle in rubber gloves. You think not? No, I think I'm doing some sort of... I've got some sort of illegal business going on.

Certainly not. I'm not sure if that's what they'll think, but anyway. No. We have heard from the outside world with a few people suggesting that it is the button fly that is the problem there. But why is that a problem? Button fly? What are the 1985? People can't be bothered.

They unbuckle for ease of access and then you can pull all the buttons off to facilitate. I've got another theory. My experience, let's call it, tells me that the men these days often favour

a brief. Is that right? Over the boxer. tells me that the men these days often favour a brief. Oh. Is that right? Over the boxer. I've been left behind. Are you dating a lot of sportsmen? Because I think I may have mentioned on this show before that in everyday life I favour a boxer short,

but for sporting activities I prefer to be held. So maybe they're just coming straight from Fiberside or something. Is that why they've got the briefs on? I don't want to go into too much detail, but it's still quite easy to do that all through. You know, it's a sort of keyhole surgery approach. It's still quite straightforward. And even the bottom fly, I've used the bottom fly without even unbuttoning.

Where there's a will, there's a way. Do you ever use the cubicle then in the men? I don't understand the set-up. What is the set-up in there? There's urinals and then one cubicle for someone who's shy. No, hold on, we don't want to let you in on too much of the mystery. No, I'd like to know, what is it? Women's toilets, I've always imagined there's a lovely trestle table with homemade cakes.

It's like Great British Bake Off in there. Lots of gingham, I imagine, in a woman's toilet. And people, you know, talking in a lovely way. We talk lots. We have little lambies on a string. Yeah. It's so, the atmosphere, everyone's so polite. But I do imagine it's a much lovelier place. Oh, it's lovely.

You come out and if it doesn't flush they say, I'm so sorry, it's not working properly in there. Because you want them to know it's not you. Oh, you see, men don't communicate. No. It's not you oh you see men don't know no yeah don't communicate no i it's not a place you have much conversation no maybe we should move on but i'm still i'm still intrigued by the buckling if anyone has got any other theories on it i the bottom fly is not to me i mean how common is the bottom fly that's's when he's statistics. What is the zip button breakdown?

Apart from a great name for a band. Wouldn't that be brilliant? Yeah, I saw the old ZBB last night. ZBB they'd call them, wouldn't they? Zip button breakdown. Yeah. Fantastic. Their new album. Everyone says

I'm really fly for a while. Rubbish. I'd like to talk about one of my favourite incidents this week, guys, which was, are you familiar with the work of political editor Nick Robinson? Yes. I've long admired his open approach to bald Robinson. Yes. I've long admired his open approach to baldness. He's got a guess who

type face, hasn't he? Very good, Alan. Yeah. He'd be one of the cards on guess who, definitely. But I just admire the fact that he's got that bit at the back and sides

which most men shave off now. I think that's... He looks a bit like if Richard Osman had had an incredibly hard life. That's what he looks like. Yes. Wouldn't you say?

I think he looks like Richard Osman if Richard Osman didn't cut his hair up on top. But that's a different story. He hasn't aged well. Anyway. Who? I don't think Nick Robinson's aged very well. Oh, I like that look.

Yeah, it's sort of Philip Larkin look. Oh, OK, I understand that. I think if I was in a restaurant, I'd say, I'll have what he's not having. Those people. Poor Nick. I know, you say that, but he got himself into a right old bit of hot water this week.

Did you see him? He was on... What, the Picard? Was it the Daily Politics show? Oh, yeah. The one with Andrew Neil. Have you been on that, Frank? No, no, I've... No. You were on the Michael Portillo one. I was on... Was it the Daily Politics show? Oh, yeah. The one with Andrew Neil. Have you been on that, Frank? No, no, I've...

No. You were on the Michael Portillo one. I was on... Yeah, I was on the later one. Yeah. That was when I was so out of my depth, I suggested to him I felt like the cab driver who'd been called onto News 24 accidentally.

Guy Gomer. And asked about Microsoft. Guy Gomer. So, his... it was awful. His iPad started blurring out music. And it wasn't just any music. They were in the middle of a very heated political debate and they were going about bankers' bonuses.

And Fat Bottom Girls started blurring out. What was he... Does that mean he's got it on iTunes? I think he's got it as his ringtone and it was andrew neil went is that you is that me yeah as if they're both queen fans and they might both have it on a ringtone he said is that me is that you yeah why why doesn't andrew neil know what his own ringtone is that was the bit that upset me i thought it was very much how the elderly deal with technology so for example if you get cut off, they ring back and say,

what happened there then? Yeah, exactly. I hate that conversation. What happened there? Like you're going to know. Hold on, I'll just check my network screens and see, oh, yeah, a bit of a breakdown of coverage in the Western area. No, I must admit, I've got, I had a slight, a sort of Tourette's thing that I found myself going, bicycle, bicycle, just that, just as to bicycle.

And I'd be doing it, I'd be sitting with people who I knew but didn't know that well and going, bicycle, bicycle. Did you see that thing on the telly? And it took me a while to realise I was doing it. And I had less of an excuse because... When is this? How long ago? Have I not... I'm amazed I haven't done it in front of you guys. Have I not done it?

I'm relieved. OK. I mean, I ignore a lot of the noises that you make that aren't to do with the sentence. Yeah, I do as well. On to do with the sentence. No, well, David Baddiel said when he lived with me that after a bit he saw it all as white noise, all these weird bits of things that just emerged from me.

But that's quite recent. I'm amazed. But, I mean, you've got more of an excuse if it's your iPad than if it's your voice box. If he'd start in the midst of that programme, Nick Robinson would have started going, BICYCLE! Then I think that could have killed his career off.

Though I imagine him on a bicycle. I bet he comes by bicycle. Oh, I can. I imagine he keeps his clips on for the show. Yeah. I like it when people have sort of media-facing jobs and they cycle to work. I think it's impressive.

Oh, thinking of anyone at all yourself. Well, I don't know why they don't end up with a bag and loads of luggage and thinking, oh, well, I might have sweated in that shirt, so I've got a spare one in the bag. I take spare stuff everywhere. But David Cameron used to have a boat driving behind him with his safe case and stuff.

It's because he's fake. I don't... You can't say that. They didn't do... Can I say Absolute Radio love all politicians? He should have started twerking, that woman. Didn't he put Absolute Radio on the map? David Cameron, yes, he did.

He said something... He swore on air. Yeah. We're not going to repeat it. We certainly aren't. We wrecked this radio. We're above that kind of thing on this show am i right talking about men on buckling at the urinals after this

in fact let me hear you say yeah yeah thanks skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. When they were talking about this incident when Nick Robinson's iPad went off with Fat Bottom Girls, the newspaper said, they always say this, the political pundits saw the funny side. No, they didn't. They didn't make anything of it.

If you two had been there, you would have... What was the funny side? Well, they didn't leave in law. Did they not? I can see the embarrassing side, that he's a big Queen fan, if that's the case. We're trying to work out... Probably 90% of the people listen to Absolute are Queen fans, can I say that? Well, I'd just like to separate me from them, I'm fine with that.

I'm really comfortable with that. You're going to alienate people. That's fine. It's totally fine. Divide and conquer, that's the way I'm playing comfortable with that. You're going to alienate people. That's fine. It's totally fine. Divide and conquer. That's the way I'm playing this radio game. You're going to alienate people. Have you listened to some of your playlists? Anyway, can I say that Queen are...

I can't say. Sticking in my throat. But anyway, they're very popular. Yeah. Remember that. they're very popular. Yeah. Remember that. They are. Okay. So, yeah, I felt a bit sorry for him,

but, you know, it's got him a bit of publicity. And he seems like a bit of a character, because he likes Queen. Yeah, exactly. A bit of a character. Are we thinking he might be, his attitude to women is a bit squiff though? With Fat Bottom Girls? No.

No? Okay. Although, if you play this on that show, I will walk. What, Fat Bottom Girls? Yeah. You will walk and that will be very apt. So, um, no, but that's just, I'm, I don't know. Could you bring out that single now and people would be fine with it? No, because I think

it's in praise of women with large derrier. Yeah. It's not, you know. Yeah, okay. Are you going to say something Jim Davidson? No, definitely not. Some men like the, you know, the more feminine physique. Speaking of bottoms and phones in close proximity,

you know bomb dialing? Yes, I do, yeah. When you accidentally... Is that what it's called? I think that's what it's called, isn't it? I've never heard it being called bomb dialing? Yes, I do, yeah. When you accidentally... Is that what it's called? I think that's what it's called, isn't it? I've never heard it being called bomb dialing. Yes, I've tried it called a variation of that, yeah. You know when your phone rings... I always call it a handbag call. Do you? Well, it depends what you keep your phone out of.

I think since you've been acting maybe it is a handbag call. It's not some Dick Henry handbag. Exactly. Something from me, I mean to me, I just assumed. You know, you get a call and you answer and you hear... Yeah. And sometimes you get a message.

I've had phone messages like eight, nine minutes. Of all the times I've been bomb dialed, I have never, ever heard anything of even the most minor interest. No. Do you listen all the way through? They never talk about you and you hope they will. But you know, if it happened in a short story, you hear them say something very significant about you, which would lead to... Never.

If any of our readers have ever been bomb-dialed and heard anything of any interest whatsoever, please let us know. I'm not sure it's ever happened. No, I think you might be right. It's not to me. I do know something that happened,

but it's to a famous person. I can't say. I'm sorry. You can give them a false name. Let's call them Eric McGiven. No, I can't. Why not? You can't call them Eric McGiven.

Is it too close to me? Then I'll have to think of a false name for the TV show. Eric McGiven, and the show is called The Bells of Wales. And it's about church audio recordings in Wales. There you go. There's your raw materials. We'll have a bit of a commercial radio blather and then we'll come back to your reconstructed anecdote.

Don't let me down. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. And now for my reward. Salute Radio. And now for my reward. Your reward is the tale of, well, what we're doing,

in case anyone wasn't listening to that last link, because I do have a story about, what do you call it, Frank, when someone calls someone, I would have to say bottom calling. Because when someone calls someone by mistake... Bomb dialing. Yeah, bomb dialing. And this involves a celebrity. So in order to protect my life, really, I'm going to change the names of everyone involved

to, your suggestion, Eric McGiven. Yeah, he's the main character. He's the main character. And the show he was in is called The Bells of Wales. The Bells of Wales. Yeah. So as we all know, The Bells of Wales, huge hit show. Yeah.

Everyone wants a piece of it. Yeah. So as you all know, The Bells of Wales, huge hit show. Yeah. Everyone wants a piece of it. Yeah. Massive. Eric McGiven, at any point it becomes obvious who this is, you have to stop me. Okay. There are many big shows, so don't worry about it. Eric McGiven, he created it as well. Okay.

It's his concept. Yeah. Didn't just star in it. Okay. Didn't just star in it. OK. So, Eric McGiven is sitting at home and the phone rings and it's a bum dial. I imagine his ringtone is...

HE SINGS ..from St David's, Cardiff, which is Programme 1, if you remember. It's my favourite ep. Normally I don't like the first ep of things. I liked it. I liked it series 7 when they were doing Little Country Chapel, you would normally go to.

I hated it when people were trying to be cool, calling it BOW. Yeah, and the town crier Christmas special, for me, waste of time. I just want to jump the shark, innit? You've got to call Eric. So, he gets a call, Eric,

from the producer of the Bells of Wales, who we shall call... The producer of the Bells of Wales. Why don't we call him... What about Ken Penology? Ken Penology, because it's a bit like Cam Penology, which is bell ringed. That name rings a bell. Yeah, pull the other one.

So Ken, Ken Penology rings him up. That's a bum dial. Ken Penology bum dials Eric McGiven. Yeah. And what Eric McGiven hears is Kennology trying to chat up a lady, saying, well, you know, the Bells of Wales was all down to me. It was my idea from the start. No one wanted to do it.

I told Eric McGiven all about it, and I sold it to him. I managed to persuade him, and eventually we made it. And apparently it seemed to go down well with the lady. Ken Penology pulled as a result. Good, he pulled as well. But how did Eric feel? Well, I think he found it amusing. No, but did Eric mention it to Ken?

Or is this something that Ken is still unaware of? No, how Eric McGiven dealt with it was tell everybody but Ken Penology. Oh, okay. The opposite of what you'd do, Frank. That was Ken's very sure business with Eric. Okay. So, if you're any the wiser on that. Well, I'd say

I liked it better for not knowing. I, um, oh, I'm going to play some music first. I liked it better for not knowing. I personally... I... Oh, I'm going to play some music first. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We were talking about a terrible phone. Well, we gave them we were talking about. I mean, a similar vein.

981 says, Just after my daughter was born a friend rang accidentally and i heard him describing my baby willow as looking like churchill i wasn't angry for long as it was true luckily she is beautiful now and listening now great oh he's he then dispenses some praise that's andy and willow in layton stone. Oh, lovely. When I say Willow, he was moving towards Winston. That one. Stopped himself at the last minute. Do all babies look like... People say, don't they, it's a cliché

that people say all babies look like Churchill. No, my niece Bertie looked like Joe Calzaghe when she was born. I think Buzz looks a bit like Russell Tovey. I do. It's funny because it's true. It is true. Funny but it's true what loneliness can do.

Everybody. Okay. Did I tell you I was in mass once in a Catholic church? I thought it was one of those clubs near you. And my phone went off off which is always terrible it's only ever happened to me once in church and at the time i had uh three lions as my no ringtone just a treble oh dear treble the i got rid of it it's hoisted on your own it was

also it was like in the early days of ringtones so it's sort of like but it like crazy frog quality it wasn't like an actual recording of the song so that was early days of ringtones, so it's sort of like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. A bit like Crazy Frog quality. It wasn't like an actual recording of the song, so that was... Oh, dear. Did you read about Alfie Bow? Yeah. He's that tenor and he... Who we know Alfie Bow? Oh, do you? Oh, good, I just wanted to check.

Is he... Where's he from? I think he's one of the bows of Wales. Is he? Yes. I think he might be, yeah. Alfie Bow. saw him in lab funnily enough lab bo m did you did you why is everything bow related he probably thought well do he's got bow in it he only does that bow he he guessed vocaled with the bowy. He did. He's doing a musical of Robin Hood, just because it's got archery in it. Yeah.

Bo. Lovely performance in Bojesque. He's doing a brilliant version of Oranges and Lemons. Bells of Bo. OK. Let's leave it there. Oh, OK. Well, he was in the paper

because he answered someone's phone when it went off. This is one of my bugbears. Like, when a comedian does that kind of comedy stuff. When people answer phones at comedy gigs. Oh, yeah, shut up about it. Everyone sort of goes, oh, yeah, it's a bit, sort of easy, lads. Why, do comics do that a lot, do they? Yeah, it's a reasonably easy way of dealing with it.

Have you done it? I've done it in the past. I've moved on, I like to think. No you done it, Frank? No, I don't do it. I don't do any easy stuff. He does do that kind of crowd work. But, when let's say a civilian that is a public speaker does it, it's like

oh wow, how irreverent, isn't that amazing? He took the phone call and he said to the woman's mother, yeah, I'm Alfie Bowen, your daughter's standing next to me oh brilliant i just think no it's still rubbish isn't it but like if a teacher says something remotely funny yeah like if like say a priest like it's a priest in front of a congregation i believe believe they're called. If somebody got up and went out and the priest went, oh, while they've gone, shall we all hide? Which is a hack line in a comedy club,

but in a church, that'd be like, whoa, wow, brilliant. What if there's a priest that you feel that you've had to hide? Or what if he asked? I don't quite know what goes on. Are you suggesting it's sort of low-hanging fruit, then? Yeah. To a degree. Mind you, for a priest, that 50-year-old joke is probably like new material.

I think we are, actually. I had a terrible... Didn't I tell you this is so awful? In my single days, many years ago... Here we go. Legend alert. Yes. I've got a feeling.

I met a woman in a... Your attitude towards his behaviour sickens me. In a... No, it's a cafe, actually. And I... Cheap. I texted her the next day. Have I got time to tell this story?

Are you taking this hot date on the night of her life to a cafe? No, no, I just met her. I met her there. Okay. And she gave me a number and I texted her the next day. And this makes me sound really bad, but it was a long time ago. I didn't know any better. I texted her and it said, does my memory deceive me or have you got a fantastic bottom?

I've cleaned it up a bit. And then I sent it and then I thought... To Nick Robinson. Hold on. Hold on. And I realised I'd sent it up a bit. And then I sent it. And then I thought... To Nick Robinson. Hold on. Hold on! And I realised I'd sent it to my niece. Oh, no. And I went into a mad panic.

And I thought, I've got to phone her. I've got to phone her and tell her. So I phoned her. And I said, have you had a text from me in the last hour? And she said, yeah. And I said, was it meant for you? She said, oh, I just thought it was you being weird. Thanks.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. Okay, um, yeah, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I shouldn't have had almonds. Oh, you don't like this either, do you? No. Like eating on the radio. No, because people do it to seem wacky. And, um,

I think wackiness has to come from the inner core of a person rather than have them thinking, oh, I know how I'll be seen as wacky. I'll get some colourful spectacles and wear a cat sweatshirt. Not one belonging to a cat. No, one featuring cats.

The musical, I meant. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 8... Oh, I'm sorry, with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Completely forgot about them. Text us on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the Absolute website. Yeah, email, remember that?

We had a text, actually, from 275. One of the subjects we were discussing this morning was this unbuckling issue at urinals that you've noticed yeah why don't men on zip why do they unbuckle nowadays um i'm dropping the almonds alan's there yeah thanks he's got almonds in his teeth he's trying to pick them out yeah um we should talk for a while i've got it now have you got it it's the last time i had a radio with a mouthful of almonds. Good to have a rule. Anyway, Harry fesses up,

I am an unbuckler and have never considered threading the needle, as it were. Oh, my goodness. The reason for this is it just seems a bit Benedict Cumberbysome the other way. Can I say, that's rather fine work, Harry. It is, I like that. Yeah. So we've had some texts. I think it might be time to go down to our rather fine work, Harry. It is, I like that. Yeah. Hmm. So we've had some texts. I think it might be time to go down to some,

our old familiar terrain, Frank. Okay. Here goes-y. Email call. Okay. I'd like to start with an email from Gavin. Oh, yeah? Gavin says, I like to spread start with an email from Gavin. Oh, yeah? Gavin says, I like to spread my radio listening around various stations.

Oh, OK. However... I don't like that, you know. I find it a bit uncomfortable when we talk about other radio. So do I. It's sort of, yeah... No, I love other radio. Oh, good.

I think it brings a lot of people here. However, it was with great surprise that on Talk Sport, I heard the name of Alan Cochran used. Blimey. The situation was, I like someone starting it with the situation was. Was it in their amateur judo results section? Is it judo you do? Karate.

Let's not get into the martial arts conversation. I'm recovering from an injury anyway, so... Oh, OK. But I don't know why talk sport would be disgusting. Let's find out. But is it judo? I do... I do do some...

It's jiu-jitsu. I do do. Is that what it's called? Yeah. A do-do. I haven't been going to judo much because of the bad back it's not okay it's not ideal if people are trying to throw you on said back no but uh i do do a thing called brazilian jiu jitsu but i don't really like to dwell on that

oh i like the sound of the brazilian bit yes uh the situation do they get any purchase must be like turning all a big fish in your arms. I'm relieved to know that I'd be qualified for that. I think that's an overshare. I think that's officially an overshare, isn't it? I nearly went... If you get that, congratulations. If you don't, I'm not

explaining it. The situation was that Talk Sport wanted very loose connections to celebrities. One listener made contact and mentioned his family know the grandparents of Gordon Strachan, who he described as very nice. He then finished by saying he had a brother who was a comedian

called Alan Cochran. Firstly, can Alan confirm the family connection to the Strachans and hopefully the niceness of them? And does he know that his brother is, for the want of a better phrase, name dropping him, head of his upcoming TV sitcom series. That's from Gavin. Yeah, the cruelest thing about this is that iPhone talked sport and said, I'm Alan Cochran, that's a loose connection to celebrity, and they said, too, too loose. No, yeah, that is true, I believe it was... What shall we call the Cockrell brothers? Let's call them the Cockrell brothers.

The brothers Cockrell, I like. Yeah, OK. But I've asked them both and it was neither of them. It's just some Spartacus figure phoning up saying, I'm Alan Cochran's brother. But are you related to Gordon Strachan? No, but someone in the family knew his gran or him and said they were very nice.

It's one of the things that my mum or my gran say all the time. You know, we know Gordon Strachan's family. I've met Gordon Strachan. He said he was not managing at the time. He was doing a bit of ponder tree. And I said, are you going to go back to managing? And he said,

yes. And he said, I like making players better, improving players. That's what I do and I said he said that's what I do and I was completely I always think two is your minimum

when you don't understand someone if you ask them for a third time they might just punch you in the face see I know what you're saying that's what I do that's what I do he was saying but I really I speak it as part of my culture yeah but I mean you you gotta have some make some allowances you know you don't speak

you know he reviewed me at the edinburgh festival gordon strachan yeah i think i might have told you this when i was on the show as a guest he came to one of my edinburgh shows um in 2004 and then he wrote up in like the guardian or something my first edinburgh festival because up till that point he'd always been in pre-season training. Right. So he'd gone to the Edinburgh Festival. He bumped into Kevin Day in the lobby and said, what should I go and see?

Kevin Day had said, oh, I hear Alan Cochran's show's good. So he went to it and then he wrote it up in the paper. And I used it as a poster quote the following year. It said, Alan Cochran was decent. Decent? It's brilliant. It's such a football manager thing to say about someone, isn't it? Decent? Oh, blimey, damn it.

Well, he might. He could have said anything. Yeah. That's what they think he said. All ginger people now, all ginger celebrities, I feel I have some sort of connection with because Buzz is ginger. It's like the way people who marry into the Kardashians suddenly have a whole new insight on stupidity.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I have another email for your perusal. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm wondering if I can lay claim to being your oldest regular reader. I'm 66 and three quarters and go back to the Gareth days. Although I don't own a tour T-shirt, I do have a Hank Marvin tour tea towel. Excellent.

But even so, I'm probably way off your demographic. Also, Frank, I know you're tired of having guests on the show. I didn't have you tiring of them. No, I did tire of them. Let's be honest about it. He's absolutely nailed that. It's the right word for the right service. Is it he or is he talking?

Oh, good question. It says the name is Wibbly Byman, but I don't know what, you know, Wibbly Byman, is that a made up name? That's a pun, isn't it? I don't know what. It sounds, Wibbly Byman, is that a made-up name? That's a pun, isn't it? I don't know what. It sounds... Or is it a character? Sounds like it could be a literary figure.

Also, Frank, I know you're tired of having guests on the show, but any chance of getting your girlfriend, Kathy, in occasionally? She sounds like a real gem, and I feel that were he alive and a reader, A.E. Houseman himself would have a soft spot for her. Who did she say would have her, A.E. Houseman himself would have a soft spot for her. Who did she say would have her? A.E. Houseman. Who was it again? A.E. Houseman.

Oh, yes. Oh, of course. In case you're a new listener, there's a policy on Absolute Radio that if anyone mentions the poet A.E. Esme, once you've said it on the show, it's only goes off the first time on the show, that there is an alarm that goes off.

This has been in for many years. I thought for a second that we've been recently taken over. I thought they might have dropped you, but they've just delayed it a little. I like the idea of Kath being on the show, though. Yes, I do worry about her language, which is basically out of control. I can't imagine her going three hours without saying something that the broad one would have asked for swearing. Yeah.

Because I keep having debates with her now, but please don't say that in front of the baby. Speaking of babies, I'm amazed that Hank Marfin hasn't brought out a range of bibs. With I'm Hank Marfin on there to cash in on

the rhyming. Do you think it's true that she's got an Hank Marfin tea towel to her tea towel is is wibbly a female name i don't know what he or she let's just call them i'm having the enid blighton problem all over again you know i was about 15 when i found out in blighton was a a woman well then you never read it again no but you need it's a fairly common it wasn't for me i didn't grow i didn't go to school with any Enid's. Anyway.

I'm on tour this year, so I'm thinking the tea towel could be there. Oh, yeah. Frank Skinner, dry sense of humour, it could say. Oh, yeah. What do you think? Oh, lovely. Well, think about it. Let's talk merch.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd like to talk about a terrible incident I had recently. I've actually been the victim of a miscarriage of justice, I'm calling it. I've had people presuming things about me which simply aren't the case. Okay.

I'm tense. You're a bit tense. I'm tense, yeah. Okay. You might get more tense. I had, I'm going to call it one of tense. I'm tense, yeah. Okay. You might get more tense. I had, I'm going to call it one of my falls, Frank, this week. Oh, okay. One of my falls. I was descending my, they're a sort of white wooden stair.

Daisy's familiar with them. Frank also. A bit Provençal. You're not, Alan. Sorry about that. Not seeing the stairs. Sorry. I can't remember. Do you have carpet? No, it's white wooden Provençal. I see.. Not seeing the stairs. Sorry. I can't remember. Do you have carpet?

No, it's white wooden Provence. I see. It's always a risk. I had, I'm going to be honest about what I was wearing. Okay. I had a bra on. Okay. And black bra, black tights. It was a bit bunny girl. Right.

Bit 1960s. You see a stocking foot on a wooden stair. Yeah, very slippy. Very slippy. Very slippy. I mean, I can't tell you how many people have accidents like that. Holding a cup of tea. No, I actually can't because I don't have that kind of information. You haven't got the stats. Okay, so you're holding a tea. It's in the morning. You weren't holding a hot drink during this fall. I'm rushing to go to, I'm not going to lie, I'm going to visit my therapist, okay? You don't have to lie about that. I'm holding a cup of tea.

Is he all right with you just turning up dressed like that? I was going to say, do you dress first? She. This is where it gets interesting. Fine. She just wears a chemise. She believes we need to express ourselves. No, I think that...

I'm with her on that. Do you think this sounds all right, this therapy? Anyway. She does lingerie. Sounds great. Right. She's one of the few lingerie psychoanalysts left in London. Anyway.

Baby doll Baxter, she's now. Is she? Carry on. I'm rushing down the stairs. You can't be late for your therapist. If you're late for your therapist, you know that's going to come up in the session as well. Do they read a lot into it? Oh, yeah.

Is that what happens? That's their job. That's their job. Again, two blokes in a pub. That's their job, really, isn't it? So I'm walking down the stairs with the cup of tea. An Edinburgh Festival, Margaret was. I was rushing.

I went flying. Oh, no. EastEnders theme tune properly. Oh, no. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. How many stairs up were you, would you say, when you went? I fell about eight. Oh, dear, that's a lot.

Yeah. Six to eight. I find that just missing the last step can jar the bag. Yeah. My coccyx, I could feel it. Oh, no. It went right, I landed right on it. I sat there and I cried.

Briefly. I think that's fair enough. I think that's fair enough. It shakes your, the coccyx, the trouble is you always worry that when you reach back, that the top of your spinal cord's just come out at the top of the scalp. You know, now you have to press it back in. And also, as someone who lives alone, obviously I thought, I'm going to be eaten by Alsatians.

No-one's going to know. Yeah, have you got Alsatians? I think that's people who own Alsatians that that happens to. They don't just roam in like rats. What I meant to remember the... You say that, you should have been around in the 70s because they were everywhere, those dogs. Was this an urban myth about the woman

who was putting the meat in the oven and the oven toppled over and it fell back and her arm was trapped in the oven door and it pinned down by the oven and her arm slow cooked over the weekend. Oh, that's such an urban thing. What with her attached to it?

With her attached to it, yeah she was pinned down, she had to lie there. What's her arm? But was she alive while her arm was cooking? Oh yeah she was alive. Oh so she got to smell her own arm cooking, that's gross. Yeah. Yeah. I think she got hungry about a day in.

Oh god if she was thinking oh god it God, it smells great, my arm. My armin. Yeah. Armin. Very good. OK, we'll have to come back to this. Oh, OK, I've got more to talk about. Oh, I'm sure.

I like this. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We were... At the bottom of my stairs. As I think Robin, the nephew of Kermit the Frog, said, we were halfway down the stairs. We were. Halfway up the stairs.

Ironically, we had to break your fall story, didn't we? You did. So you fell eight steps and landed in a heap. Six to eight, I'm going to say. And you landed in a heap. Sixty-eight. Six to eight. In a heap.

I thought it was just some quick exaggerating the idea of you crying in just a bra and pantyhose something terrible like that it's like the cover of one of those

I'm glad you said terrible I thought you were going to say that was a great no you know that's true detective comics from the 50s when there'd be a woman in her underwear

crying on the cover but isn't it awful that because I was on my way out the door hair and make-up was done so I felt relieved. I felt momentary relief that if they come to get me, I look quite good. Didn't you have a bit of an Alice Cooper from the tears?

No, waterproof eye makeup, always, even in a crisis. Very sensible. What if you wanted to do some impromptu synchronised swimming? Yeah. Straight in. So I went to my therapist, and I started to realise a bruise formed, very quickly a bruise formed, a massive bruise. I realise, and we're still in the sort of post-Christmas area at the moment,

when you tell people... How big was the bruise formed site? I'd say it was covering a quarter of my arm. Oh, it was huge. Oh, blimey. It was huge. I said, oh, you know, this is terrible. I did it falling down the stairs.

Everyone, the same reaction everywhere. Oh, yeah. How much did you have to drink? Of course. See, what happens... How much had you had? Well, what I started doing, I got so annoyed with my trainer. He said, oh, you old drunk.

You old drunk? I said, I wasn't. And then I thought, it happened at 8.30am. But because I was so angry about being called a drunk, I started telling lies about the incident for some reason. I said, it happened at 7.30. As if that made me seem less likely. Yeah, you weren't quite so drunk by that stage.

That just makes me think you're more likely to still be over the limit from the previous night. It's like a driving thing. I kept saying it was the morning. I remember those days. Wake up, still fighting drunk. Fantastic. But, Frank, I've always been suspicious. Anyone with bruises, show me a bruise, I'll show you a drunk.

I generally think. What about show you a slow-cooked forearm? That's not true, that story. Well, we've had no verification either way. I mean, what did the therapist? The therapist didn't say, Ooh, I've been drinking. No, because she's not like that, fortunately.

Did she say... Can you put some clothes on, please? She No, because she's not like that, fortunately. Did she say... She just raised her hand... Can you put some clothes on, please? She said, you're rather overdressed for art session. She said, oh, how did that happen? That looks... Oh, no, you see, I'm more of a therapist. Oh, how did that happen?

There's part of you that feels that you're in a higher status than you really should be, so you're trying to cast yourself down a few steps on the ladder. And this has manifested itself in a physical way. really should be, so you're trying to cast yourself down a few steps on the ladder. Yes, how did that happen? And this has manifested itself in a physical way. We'll come back to this because I'm very intrigued by the danger elements. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Emily falling down the stairs. We were talking about Emily falling down the stairs. Tights, I imagine, are even shinier than socks on a wooden stair. Oh, there's a big sheen. There's a big martin. Slippier. Terrifying.

They're very slippy. And you just go. Once you go, you go. You see, I... Because then you can't get any purchase. It's awful. I have had occasion in my professional career to wear fishnet tights. And that's a different story. What occasions are those?

What, fantasy football league? No, yeah, if I've dressed in, you know, in sketches, I've dressed in... Yeah, sketches you wrote. Yeah, maybe I did write them. Sketches you wrote to be performed at Raymond's Review Bar. Anyway, I felt very confident in a fishnet foot. It's a bit like having,

you know, I'd take on an icy road in fishnets. You know you put chains on the car wheels in really? It's like that. I would totally agree with you, Frank. A real great grip. You can get a grip. It's like the base of a Timbaland. If I were you, if I were you, I would keep a couple of fishnet pop socks at the top of the stairs just for that...

Just for that journey. Makes sense. I've started the descent in... Or a stainless stair lift. Well, better still get a... How dare you. Why don't you get a fishnet stair carpet? Because I don't want my house to look like dr frankenfurters about no you're quite right

are they still clusters i'm going to use the word sexy oh well not since this conversation please don't use that word it's disgusting okay foxy oh um you're gonna say panties in a minute i'm gonna leave the studio i would never say panties in a minute. I'm going to leave the studio. I'm not going to say I would never say panties. I say knick-knacks. Which has caused some confusion when tidying up the bric-a-brac. No. But you know what? Can I tell you what I think fishnets have become? They're a little bit BBC News reader doing a skit

where they're pretending to be sexy. Oh, a bit children in need dance. They're a bit children in need dance, the fishnet now. Yeah, they are. They've gone a bit fancy dress, you're right. It's all about the bare leg now. Yes, it's right. It must be terrible for a garment like that when it's been the very height of sort of sauciness

suddenly becomes just like a cheap joke. Yeah. It is a bit. Consider ye the peephole brazier. Indeed. It's, you know... Oh, let's not. And the cape.

You were a fan of the cape For a resurgence I don't think of the cape as a There was a time when the cape What about the cape just without fashion What about tights and a bra and a cape The cape does not fit into this category Does it

Hold on I'll be with you a minute I'm just going to pop to Anne Summers for a cape Who ever said that? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I reached what I can only describe as a parental milestone this week. I've heard many parents refer to this moment over the years,

but being a non-parent, I just thought, shut up. Have they seen you in the fishnets? No, not yet. We have got a section of wooden stair with no carpet, so I'm thinking I might take up the pop sock. Yeah, careful on that stair. Myself. You could have a fishnet safety net. Right, it's just a...

Anyway, now, this is something that people have always said to... um, a couple of people have asked me, have you blah blah yet? And I've said no. So, it happened this week. For the first time, I am in bare feet. I have, I've stood on my first Lego. Oh! Really? Oh, man. And, oh, man. The pain. I had no idea it hurt. Why does it hurt that much? Oh, it's, yeah. It's worse than a plug, isn't it?

It went right up my... A plug's bad. I'll tell you something about a plug, though. Tell us something about a plug. I had a mate and he had an auntie in Margate, so we had a weekend at the seaside and we went and stayed. And his auntie was... She was in a bad way because she was...

I mean, she was retuned, let's put it, I mean, she was rotund. Let's put it that way. She was a big woman. She'd been changing her light bulb or doing some of the curtains or something, standing on a chair. This sounds like the woman with the arm in the cooker, but it's absolutely true. She stepped off the chair, she stepped

onto a three-pin plug that went through her heel. It went through the skin of her heel. And apparently, as she went for the ambulance, she powered a two-bar electric fire for 25 minutes just with her own vibrant personality. No, no, but it's true. It went through her foot.

She had a lot of dressing on, but she said that she had a proper three-pin holes in the bottom of her. Do you all right? Injury, that. Well, then I presume... Yes, that is an injury. Yeah. The extra padding would have helped, you see. Do you think?

I mean, even the fattiest people... It's like putting a plug in a Cornish pasty. It's going to stick, isn't it? Yeah, but do they get very... Never have anyone with fat soles. Oh, you do? Do you? Oh, yeah. have anyone with fat soles. Oh, you do? Do you? Oh, yeah.

They've got fat soles. Why don't you sort of grow your own platforms? Fat forms? They could call them. Yeah, I used to be 5'9", but since I put weight on, I'm 6'2". I've got fat forms. It's true.

People have fancles, don't they? I believe Chris Rock refers to it as baking bread in your shoes. That's how I believe he refers to it. Oh, that's when you get that bit of spillage. Yes, yes. That's a sort of a muffin top, but in a shoe. For the foot, yeah, absolutely. Anyway, you and the piece of Lego.

What sort of Lego, may I ask, was it? I'm intrigued. Well, it was, I mean, strictly technically speaking, I think it's called Duplo. Oh, yes, I know Duplo. Which is the bridge to Lego, but it's still really hurt. I suppose the ultimate, I've yet to reach the ultimate honour, which is to stand on a roller skate at the top of the stairs.

But, you know, it will come. Emily's been doing that. Oh, God, yes. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. No, please. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the Absolute Radio website.

People have been texting in. You said that you've had a parental rite of passage this week by stepping on Lego for the first time. Yeah. You've inadvertently started a stepping on things texting. Frank, I've found that wearing Lego shoes helps. Instead of hurting, you just get taller. Excellent work from Stephen Prenton.

Maybe I could make some Lego shoes. Oh, yeah. Oh, I feel this pain. 999, have you ever stood on the adjuster bit on a bra? Oh, that's painful. I've never done that. Yeah, I was burying the body of an ex-girlfriend at the time. I was using my hands and legs to get it off.

You know when you're fed up of digging and you start just trying to tread them down? Have you never had a discarded bra? No, I've never stood... I've never been involved with a discarded bra. How dare you? No, but have you never... I've never stood on...

Has one never been thrown off in the heat of passion? Well... It's all far too regimented. Maybe not, but I've never stood on a bra cast. I have. And that really hurts.

Oh, hurts? I like that. Sounded like you'd sneaked in a car advert. Hurts much, yeah. I've been sponsored by them. We digress. It's now time for a section of the show. We digress could be the slogan of this show.

We digress could be a pop band that have been on the X Factor or something, couldn't they? Yes. Yeah. Anyway, I believe we have a section of this show called Bieber Watch. Oh, we do. Where we discuss the one that is Justin Bieber. Let's see if I've got the jingle here. Have you got a jingle for Bieber?

Bieber! Let's make a... There it is. There it is. Nice. Eleven police cars descended on Justin Bieber's mansion on Tuesday to investigate an alleged vicious egg attack on his neighbour. Brilliant, innit?

Yeah. I mean, he's obviously visited West Yorkshire and he's heard about Mischief Night. Have you heard about Mischief Night? No. What's Mischief Night? Is that like Halloween? Yeah.

Is that their version of Halloween? Yeah. Essentially, you just go out and get up to Mischief. And Bieber, he's still in the age bracket where Mischief Night would be acceptable. How old has he been at 19? Mischief Night means something very different to me. Does it? He is, I'd say he's 19 19 but this is what happens if you get the teenagers get mansions they will egg their neighbors great that he's got a mansion at 19

yeah i mean don't i mean as you know it's liba biba but um but he is a very great fool you know because you know he's 19 and he's like i mean he's had everything for him he's i imagine they were fabergé eggs that's why they were so dangerous. That's £20,000 worth of damage, but that was just to the Fabergé eggs, not to the house. I mean, how do you do that much damage with eggs? What was he doing? He must have got the hard bit.

Maybe it was diamond omelette. What I don't understand about it, and what I find extraordinary about this, is if you're going to egg someone, don't make it your neighbours. No. It's quite hard to make a clean getaway. You know what they say, don't egg on your own doorstep. That's what they say.

Yeah? Yeah. Confucius says so. He was detained in his garage. Was he? Yes. Yeah. Like it was a night in Strangeways.

He was detained in his garage. Was he with the rest of his band? Was it Garage Band? Well, yeah. And then it said the police were searching for evidence including any other eggs in the house. Oh. They must have been going through the fridge. It's lucky he took his shirt off, because that would have had splashings.

Yeah. I bet he took his shirt off when he heard there was 11 police cars outside. And they were looking for eggs. I hope he hasn't got, like, a home recording studio and they walked in and there's just all those egg boxes all over the walls. You know what, I hope he hasn't got a home recording studio, sir. Well, is it something to do with the fact that he's Canadian? Because I think Canadians are seen as very sort of mild-mannered, gentle, calm, nice people. Not this one.

Well, I wonder if he's trying to break against that stereotype of you. No, I think he's trying to break an egg. Whereas Bublé... Oh, Bublé's lovely. He's embraced Canadianism. He's a friend of the show. Yeah. He's a...

He likes Bublé now, doesn't he? Yes, he is. He was very nice to you on that show. I suppose I said we'd just say you spit the Canadians. Bieber, Bublé, Bublé, Bieber. Have you ever been egged, either of you? I don't think I have ever been egged. I've been egged.

Oh, when were been egged, either of you? Um, I don't think I have ever been egged. I've been egged. Oh, when were you egged? I was egged, I think, in a Halloween incident by some ne'er-do-wells in Cardiff. Was it Mischief Night? Yeah, I think it was Mischief Night. Yeah. It's not nice. It would have been like Trick or Treat type time. It's happened to me.

Yeah. Were you doing a bit of extra work on the Bells of Wales? Okay, yes. Back then I was in that hit, you can't see me. Yeah, that massive hit. And Eric said, okay, can we do that one again, guys? Yeah. It said, and as himself, Alan Cochran.

That's what it said. Yeah, I've been egged. Have you been egged? Oh, yeah, I've been egged. Have you? Can you imagine me being egged? It was awful. What capacity?

I was a student. I say student. I was wearing suede high heel boots. And I believe it was a velvet mini skirt. Oh, that egg could do a lot of damage to velvet. Can you imagine? It's tenacious character, egg. Yeah.

And I was walking down the front in Brighton. And someone passed. I was going to a gentleman's apartment. And someone passed in a car, and I just felt the impact of the egg, and then I just saw a shell everywhere. You see, it is assault. It's bad. Yeah, it was.

I've been egged, and I've been chickened. I just can't remember what order it happened in. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Oh, hold on, I haven't put your microphone up. I can only apologise. I did that on purpose. I don't think I've ever done that before. How awful.

What would your analyst say about that, that I just wanted to silence you? My analyst would say, why do you think you did that? Yeah. Really? Is that the sort of thing? Yeah, you have to go on the journey. You have to discover why do you think you did that yeah really is that the sort of thing yeah you have to go on the journey you have to discover why you behave as you do that was my version of being a rotting stag you think not rising i thought it could be why do you think you did that that's what i was i'll go for an analyst no i'll tell you what the analyst would

say how did it feel how did it make you feel when you did that it made me feel awful oh okay because i could hear like someone at the end of a phone in the cartoon yeah like like someone from the north was trapped in the attic of my house and i was in the kitchen downstairs i just feel that it's terrible that sounds like the voiceover to a cartoon or something. Suddenly there's a version of me on Pingu or something. I love the idea of that. You do now, don't you, that you sound like the voiceover of a cartoon? No, I didn't. I thought I sounded more like...

There it is again. I'm just getting... I've ascended the stairs. I'm getting nearer the attic now to let you out. Take his mic down again. Someone up there. Can I help you? I can't move.

So, sorry. Imagine if Cass starts saying, oh, Alan's up there again. So, no, I'm sorry I didn't raise your fader. Let's move on. We've had a few texts in from the outside world. We were talking earlier about bum-dialing on the mobile phone to other people. You know, when you accidentally call someone.

Yes, using your bottom. And we've had a text from Jo saying, Hi, Frank, me and my girlfriend were making out. Later that week week my girlfriend revealed to me that she had bum dialed her dad during this session and he may have heard the entire affair we hoped not I I worry about you because you say making out and I don't like that me I didn't I was reading no I'm not saying you personally I'm saying I think it's a nice clean way of putting it i commend them for that okay i know it's a bit american it's a bit greased too but um did you give her a hickey yeah that's a love bite it's okay yeah okay um yeah i'm i'm

that's terrible i mean i don't know what i do in that case yeah i insist that all the phones in the house are put on airplane mode before we even get to heavy petting. Really? That's safe sex gone crazy. You can't be too careful, I think. What else? Well, I'll tell you what else. 147

has written to say this. Standing on a bra clasp hurts. Just tried it with four bras. Load of rubbish. Get a grip. I love that they've done the experiment there. Okay. 147. You want to play?

Let's play. Because I'm afraid you're... Give him a break. Yay! Very good. When I said you want to play, let's play, I was quoting Lee Ryan from Blue. I don't actually talk like that. He said that last night and I enjoyed it um i'm not talking about the bra class a bit at the back that's the only bit men are familiar with and we know why um well you do

get those front claspy ones remember those and they still i remember them my friend yeah yeah um i'm talking about the adjust a bit are Are you familiar? Oh, yeah. Yes, on the straps. So sometimes that can get raised. Because it gets fashioned into the shape of the shoulder as well. I see. That's what hurts. Try that four times, 147. Yes, so 147, go to the adjust.

Leave the pile of bras where they are. But just move them about a bit so that you're working more on adjusting than clasping. But then if you would, re-text us and let's see how you like them apples. We truly are in Greece too. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from Matt Davis. I was going to say Matt Damon. That would have been exciting. I like Matt Davis.

Sounds like the sort of person I would have dated in the 80s. I like Matt Damon. He's the sort of person I would have damied. Sorry. Can we do that again, Geoff? Live, you say? Oh, my God. Anyway, Matt says,

Can I apologise on behalf of the city of Cardiff for the egging of Alan? No. However, isn't throwing eggs at the cockerel the avian version of throwing knickers at Tom Jones? We like that, Matt. Very good. Very fine.

Apology accepted. And I did enjoy three happy years there. So I've got... Cardiff? Yeah. I studied in Cardiff. Oh, I thought you... It was good. I hadn't i haven't got the triumph fair i was too stingy i didn't know you studied in cardiff well now you do drama every day is a school day you two sound like you're on a date making a small talk and it's not working

out i did acting there yeah yeah my uh my girlfriend did her degree in Cardiff. She lived in a artist's commune. She lived in a commune, didn't she? Me too. You lived in a... I imagine you lived in a commune. Is this commune? I mean, they stayed in the attic. He was in the attic.

Shall we, speaking of tucked away corners, what about a little return? While you're doing that, someone's located a Hank Marvin tea towel on eBay. I've just found it now. It's new. It says Hank Marvin. It costs

£4. You can bid for it and I've just seen a little sign coming up. It's got a picture of Hank with his guitar and it says one person is viewing this. Currently viewing this. It says on a picture of Hank with his guitar. Brilliant. And it says one person is viewing this. Currently viewing this. It says on the T-Town. Per hour. No. On eBay. Except the slogan. Yeah, on eBay.

No, the slogan is Hank Marvin 2000. I think that's a brilliant idea to a T-Town. Never heard of it before. Well, I think you should do one. Do people use T-Towns as much these days? I do. Not only do I use them for cleaning crockery, I also dry my hands on them quite a lot. Right.

I'm glad we know that now. OK. OK. Right. What have we got? Interesting harmonies this week. Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. I've got to be honest with you, I didn't feel that one really worked. No. You know when you're

halfway through a harmony and you feel I'm lost. I went too deep. I'm completely lost. Just wanted to get in quickly with what I believe is the first Peter the Wild reference of 2014. Oh goody. Not quite. I don't. I think the first show of the year had some. I think I mentioned the fact there's an exhibition which we're going to go to.

Oh can we go to that day? Can we get vip tickets thank you i was following you then we loaded us at the piece of the wild thing they're always are there'll be a red carpet event it'll be everything um i reckon we could get comps do you think we can yeah how much are they then seven pound i'll get my people to call it's just email corner of thinking aloud corner is that what's happening my people to call Is this email corner or thinking aloud corner? Is that what's happening? My people will speak to Peter the Wild's people

Imagine if we got freebs for Peter the Wild exhibition That would be quite a low point, wouldn't it? I'd like it I was fortunate enough to be wandering around Norwich this week when I stumbled upon a pub dedicated to Peter the Wild Can I say, by the way, in case anyone's a new listener,

Peter the Wild was a feral boy who was captured. It's true, he was feral. He lived in the woods and he was captured and given to George I as a gift. And he kept him in a leather collar, which is a bit harsh. It was a court curiosity. Court curiosity. And then he was demoted. He left the court.

He lived, I think, wherever he lived, maybe in Norwich, and he was famous for walking around singing songs with no words and staring at fires. And eating raw onions. Oh, yeah, raw onions. I always forget the raw onions. I'd say I never forget. That's the thing I remember,

because it just makes me think that he met a hypnotist years before that and he just thinks, I love apples. So, I was fortunate enough to be wandering around Norwich this week when I stumbled upon a pub dedicated to Peter the Wild. The Wild Man commemorates the time when an older and wiser Peter, post-court years, mysteriously arrived in the city in 1751, where he was arrested as a sturdy vagrant. Locals claimed he resembled an orangutan

apparently. See you again, Auntie Ginger. Prejudice. But with a very loving look in his eyes. That's what you want, innit? An orangutan with a loving look in their eyes. Was there a fire just over their shoulder when they were talking to him? Anyway, he was imprisoned in the city. Oh no. Different times.

And while detained, a fire broke out. Of course. While other prisoners were released to save them from the blaze, Peter instead chose to remain and indulged in his old favourite pastime of fire-watching and had to be forcibly dragged out. Today, the pub on the street where he was held is adorned with the words

Peter the Wild Boy mysteriously turned up in Norwich. And the whole event is marked with a blue plaque. Some say Norwich doesn't get a lot right, but this has to be up there with its finest achievements. I've attached a link for your perusal. I've looked at that link and those pictures are there. Let's go for a drink at the Wild Man. He worked at the pub.

Day out to Norwich. I don't think he worked there. I think he was in there. I thought he was a seller, man. Do you think they've ever said, Peter the Mild? Yeah. I love that. He was in the cellar like Cockrell was in the attic. That's from Joel126 who puts the acronym L-T-L-F-T-W.

Long term listener, first time writer. So that's another out. Miggerton, Norwich. Great. Do a Peter the Wild walk. There's an art centre. You could pop it on on your tour. long-term listener, first-time writer. Fabulous. So, that's another out, Miggerton, Norwich. Great, isn't it? And do a Peter the Wild walk. There's an art centre, you could pop it on on your tour. Yeah. And Walsingham is not far away,

a well-known Roman Catholic shrine, which I put in my contract when I did, when Loose Women was filmed in Norwich. I put it in my contract, but as well as doing the show, they had to drive me to Walsingham to worship. How about that for a loose swim in claws? Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Infighting has broken out between the listeners. It's a bit like a jailhouse rock. It's a prison riot. If you can't find a partner, use a wooden chair. That's my motto.

One of our listeners, do you remember 147? Yes. 147 stood on the... On the bras and got angry with me. He said, get a grip. 692, he said, please ask 147 to put a three-pin mains plug prongs up on the floor, cover with duvet and then step on it.

Well, we could ask him to do that, but I mean, I think that would be unnecessary. I just want to know if he's had any success with the adjuster experiment. He's saying cover with duvet, in fairness. Yeah. Yeah. Even so. That probably makes it okay, doesn't it? Do you think that would help?

Depending on the tog. Oh, yeah, it's all about toggage. Isn't it? And also, what about if you get that bit where it's gone into the... You know when it goes into the centre? Oh, yeah. And then you just get a bit of loose cover at the side. Yeah.

Yeah. Hate that. So, Simon has emailed us. Yes. He says, hi, Emily, Frank and Alan. Emily recently told us she is an expert at removing stains. You did? Yes.

Make that boast. Mm-hmm. And he's correct. I am. We have highlighter pen lines on our leather sofa. Oh, highlighter pen. And I can't get them out. What do you think is the best thing to use?

Thanks very much and loving the show from Simon. Well. Do you think, can I say, do you think they were having a discussion about their sofa? And the wife said, I really like this bit here and highlighted it and also this bit. And she highlighted them so that she'd be able to refer to them easily if she needed to. And then after the conversation, she's thought to herself, you know, footballers tend, she's looked up and she's seen that highlight and she's thought, ah. Maybe they were doing chores list

and they were having an argument. You said you'd do that and that was highlighting I suspect it was the wife doing it, getting angry. Anyway, Simon, what I would say to you is, I would think, I would describe Leather as one of the toughest mistresses. Yes.

It's very tough. You and Peter the Wild. In the S&M community, that's a tired old cliché that we use. But what I would advise, whitening toothpaste with a toothbrush. Always test on a hidden area, natch, first. Of course. Not an exposed area. Whitening toothpaste, you can use hairspray You can sometimes loosen the chemical in the highlighter pen. Oh.

To suggest it. That is a good choice. Hairspray is great for things. It reminds me of the time I accidentally got Tippex on Adam Ant. You see what he did? He embraced it and used it to his own advantage. I'd been dipping it in a pig's trotter, and as I brought it up, I dragged it across his face.

Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in that I think we should address before we move on after Emily's excellent stain advice. Please can you tell Emily that her public would really appreciate an Emily's top tips for

stain removal. I've become quite excited about the whitening toothpaste bit and I'm already preparing said paste and sponge to have a go. Lovely. Or should it be on a brush, Pat says. Yeah, you could do it on a brush. I would go on a brush because you'll scrape out the particles. Can I just say I'm loving this section

of the show. But don't forget to experiment on an unseen area. Thank you. Can you imagine if I became really famous as a stain remover? Had my own show. I think that would be, yeah. I think that should be the text. What should that show be called?

Emily Dean advises people on how to remove stain. Emily Dean, stain queen. I have a question for you. It's not a stain remover, but I've eaten a few things this week that I've not eaten for a while, or ever, in fact. Sorry, you lost me at I've eaten a few things this week that I've not eaten for a while, or ever, in fact. Sorry, you lost me at I've eaten a few things this week. OK. I ate kippers in the home and could not get the smell out of the house.

I warned you about kippers last week. I can't even remember that. I don't remember being warned. I enjoyed them. Frank talked of Little Else recently. Really? Little Else was my next girlfriend of mine. I've had a memory blank now

She was a fabulous girl because okay there weren't much of her but what was there she got a big personality to compensate Why is everyone on this radio show obsessed by kippers? I can't bear it I really enjoyed the eating but the smell afterwards even you know I've got a tall house on a small footprint, but it's tall.

Three-storey house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've done all right. Okay. No, we've got a nice tall house, but even on the top floor, I could smell kippers afterwards. And I was thinking, is this going to affect my clothes in the wardrobe?

Relationship. Well, it's a bit like the... Does Mrs Cockrell like the kippers? Yeah, she's had a kipper or two in her time. Oh, God bless her. Honestly, it's like... You know they say that estate agents reckon that you should bake bread and make fresh coffee in your home

if you're trying to sell it. It's like we've agreed we are never trying to sell this house. It's the opposite of that. are never trying to sell this house. It's the opposite of that. It's like you're trying to keep the house. We're keeping the house, anyway. It's like a motorway was being built through the house. Absolutely stank. And you've done that.

You cannot get rid of the smell of the kipper. My girlfriend does a lot of fish. Vanilla candles. We want to microwave fish. And the microwave smells so much of fish. It's had so much. Everything now I microwave like if i warm up the tea you know cup of tea is it fish tea just a little bit it's like a sort of a fish conversion

chamber it's become everything you're basically living in captain bird's eye shit yeah everything everything's turned to fish the guardian absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio The Guardian. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had quite a few texts offering titles for Emily Dean's television programme where she fixes people's stains. How about this as a name for the stain-removing show? Can't you say, I will draw the line at certain stains? Emily Dean, Absolutely Spotless, in reference to the review of R. Frank. And it's got absolute in it as well.

Perfect. Yeah, very good. Emily Dean, the brain behind the stain. That's good, because you're... Yeah, I really like that. You are intelligent, you're a graduate. You're a graduate? You're a graduate, aren't you?

That's the most depressing praise I've ever received. So is every fool these days. I went uni, got a law degree. OK, well, let's move on. To get rid of fishy microwave, this is another text. To get rid of fishy microwave, put bowl of water with drop of washing up liquid on high for two to three minutes. Steams nicely, loosens stuck-on food and gets rid of smells. Good luck. Thank you, 608.

Oh, you should try that, Frank. If I try that, though, my girlfriend will say that she's then got some sort of poisoning toxics from the fairy liquid. No, what she'll say is, you'll do it, and then she'll come home with a few sea anemones she'll want to put in there. Yeah, but she'll say everything tastes like soap now.

I know for a fact she'll definitely... What about emery cloth? Emery cloth? Don't know if I get that. Is that a pun? Emery. You know Emery Cloth? Isn't it Emery Board? Don't you get Emery...

I don't think so. I'm sure you get Emery Cloth. Oh, don't worry. It's only the worst thing ever. I want to ask 608 if they've got any advice about belly button fluff. You know I mentioned

my belly button fluff on the show last week. Oh, I do remember. That's awful. I had a moment this week. I nearly texted you guys. I got up, showered, as is my want, drove somewhere, half an hour had passed,

and I already had belly button fluff. That's ridiculous. It's amazing, isn't it? Where is it coming from? I don't know. He's a secret Angora wearer. There's something wrong there. Yeah, I'll tell you what's wrong.

There's some cheap showering products that leave a film on you, and it's something wrong there. Yeah, I'll tell you what's wrong. Cheap showering products that leave a film on you and it's sticking to it. No. I will not have you slag off Old Spice. I'll give you my domestic tip for your belly button fluff and I'd say what you should do is wear a sellotape cummerbund.

Oh, that's a good idea. Or gatherie. I have to say sellotape cummerbund was brilliant in Sherlock. That's the child I'm going to have. Or get a wooden stick and go around like a candy floss machine. I'm thinking of shaving my entire body, see if that helps. OK, well, I'll help. I'm leaving. I'm off.

Have you got any veet before you go? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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