The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Stop Scratching!

Episode Date: October 4, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week the team are joined by none other than Friend of the show David Baddiel! Frank has yet another bite that's bothering him and amidst all of this the team discuss George Clooney's wedding, Floyd Mayweather and weird things they envy.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. That was, and I am, and we are. So you can be able to use those sentence openings now when you're doing your edits at home. To make me say almost anything. On your own little version, so imagine you do on cassettes. Then you'll talk about that and you used to go on your radio broadcast and you say, well, I used to listen to Absolute Radio

and I used to take the little bits from their sentences and then make them into different things. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, aptly enough. And I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I'm scratching my arm furiously, but you don't need to know that. You can text us on 81215 and we love to hear from you because you're you.

Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. www.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com dot dot dot slash dot dot absolute dot. We've had one punter already. One punter's in. Punter on the line. This is 300. It is. I don't mean Gerard Butler. No.

That is Gerard Butler in it, in the film 300. I don't know. I thought Gerard Butler was in Suede. I met Gerard Butler. Isn't that Brett Butler? You met Gerard Butler was in Suede. I met Gerard Butler. Isn't that Brett Butler? You met Gerard Butler? He said, have we met before?

And I said, you said that to me last time I met you. He's good. Oh, he's good. 300 says... Who is he again? Oh. He's in 300. Thanks for that.

Oh, I've seen 300. Yeah, I've seen 300 Yeah I've seen 300 300 says One week till Perkins Very exciting Now this isn't a date with Sue Perkins No This is of course

What is it Frank? It's your big moment isn't it? Is it Little Train Driver? This is my moment Perkins is the name of my character in Doctor Who Are you in Doctor Who? Yeah, did I not mention it? Are you in Doctor Who?

Get away Frank, can we have a Who alert every time you mention Doctor Who? I'm probably getting Who alerts on my phone as we speak Which I think I haven't switched off actually now I come to mention it Good point Anyway, so one week We all do airplane mode, even during the first link Sorry, I couldn't hear Alan Cochran was going on and on in the background.

Well, that's because we were talking about Perkins. Yes. One week till Perkins. Well, yeah, I mean, it's one week to the story. But on tonight's Doctor Who, I might appear. Shut up! Because there is... They do do next week.

Next time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so they always do next time at the end with a bit of a trailer. So I might get in the trailer. Who can say? How exciting. So, yeah, so this could be it. Did they make you record that specially?

So it's like, coming up next week, can you turn to camera a bit awkward? They just all do a little bit of next week's story. Well, I tell you what, interestingly, since I did the Doctor Who, I've spent many an hour fretting about my performance, whether it was good enough. But now we get closer... Haven't we all, love? I know.

As we get closer, I'm sort of thinking, God, who cares? I mean... You're in Doctor're in doctor who so my excitement has um has overtaken my personal dignity that's it that hasn't happened for years if any friends if any friends of frank's are listening anyone who calls you during the 40 minute period or whatever that it's on i think you'd defriend them instantly well if i had any friends i would certainly do that. But I'll just switch my phone off.

I'm thinking of getting one of those family gatherings, you know? You know these ones you hear about when everyone gathers around the telly and then they've been cut out of the episode completely? I'm thinking of having one of those. What I'd like is if the Doctor Who people would send a bit with me completely cut out that I could then show, and then I could go, ha-ha, and then show the real one. Ooh!

I just don't want that record knocking about in case it accidentally gets stopped or gets broadcast. I can use that as my excuse if I'm not in it. Yeah. That was the bogus one that they... I'm planning ahead. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Is it too soon for another Doctor Who missive? Well, let's get him out of the way. Because people get angry when I talk about Doctor Who on the show. I've noticed. Well, 760, Dear Mr Radio, The Delicious Miss M and LCS. I think that's Lecoq Sportif LCHO LCS, Lecoq Sportif

Can Miss M and Lecoq do me a favour please When Frank said I might be on the trailer next week, did he smile and raise his eyebrows in a way that meant he knows he will be on the trailer Is it a genuine maybe I wouldn't want to have to sit through a whole episode of Doctor Who not to see Frank at the end.

But we'll put myself through it if you'll definitely be on. Cheers, Dandy Man. I feel your pain, Dandy Man. Oh, come now, come now. I honestly, I don't know. OK. But there will be a trailer for my episode.

They don't let you see anything in advance. I really don't know. I might not be in, I might have been caught completely. In fairness, you do say quite a lot of things with a smile and a raise of your eyebrows yes it is partly how you perform it's hard to know whether or not i'm sort of stuck with that it's my general excitement at life wow life just don't understand that that. Oh life. Oh life. That's how it should have gone.

ending like that. It's really affected your songwriting career hasn't it? Yeah. You can imagine saying oh I don't know maybe it's a

good life. No no good life at the end. I had um I'd like to ask your advice about something. Don't keep

scratching his arm and it's bringing the parent out in me because I say stop scratching stop picking, stop picking that, stop doing that, quite a lot. That's my rule in the home. There's a... Charlie's on to buying some drugs. There's a children's... He's strung out.

There's a children's TV programme called In the Night Garden. Mm-hm. Oh, I'm familiar with it. And last night, Kath did a rather fabulous pun and said, in the bite garden. That's where we live. Did she say more like at the end? I don't know if she did or not.

I was too busy raising my eyebrows and smiling. But that's another story. What about when I asked Buzz yesterday if he had a girlfriend and he said, no, but I've got a balloon. I thought it was a brilliant response. It is. I wish I'd used that in all the times I was single. Yeah.

Imagine if someone comes up to you and says, you know, when women are casually investigating, they say, so have you got a girlfriend? No, no, but I've got a balloon. In my pocket, if you know what I'm saying. No, no, no, no. So I like to ask your advice because you're people of the world. I had a moment this week where I reached for my dressing gown.

I had a moment this week where I reached for my dressing gown. I own, I think I've got four, maybe five dressing gowns at home. Come on, try and keep the feet on the ground. You're estranging yourself from the people. Well, I've been given, I've been given dressing gowns. You've got about 200 suits. I've been given dressing gowns by people. Given dressing gowns by people? Yeah, I've got three of them, I'm monogrammed.

Oh, lovely. With your initials or just hotel ones yeah no holiday no no with with my initials yeah but they were gifts i would never i would never go i'd never mix toweling and embroidery that's my motto but i never ever ever wear a dressing gown i and when i went to put one on i thought you know i i realized and now i have no idea what they're for why people use them it's the idea that you use them when you first get up is that when you put it on yes i think so you see i have at least five but what's the point of robes what's the point what's the point what's the point of... Robes. What's the point? What's the point of putting that on? What's the point of the shirt you're wearing? Well, because people will see the shirt. I'm going out.

But why not just put on clothes? Because it's lovely and comfy. Cozy. Yeah, nice and cosy. And you can put them on... Let's say there's a tradesman at the door. Yes. You can look respectful without having to get entirely dressed.

No. No. I wouldn't want to go to the door in toweling. No. No. Honestly, I'll put on yesterday's clothes until I shower. Do you? Because I think I'll give them one last hurrah.

So I'll put yesterday's socks, yesterday's pants, yesterday's everything on. No. Then I'll go and have breakfast and stuff. And deliberately eating and quite a devil may care away because I know I've got yesterday's clothes on. This isn't true. That's absolutely true. Doesn't everyone do that? No.

They're still dirty so, you know, you're not going to do any harm to them. You're still dirty. You're both at the same state. You've got dirty together, you and yesterday's clothes. So you're on a natural continuum. Whereas the dressing gown... We'll come back to this. You've been warned if you want to find another station.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And the other thing I wanted to know about dressing gowns. Yeah. Is this the concept? Now, this is a serious question. Is the idea that you have a shower and then you put on a dressing gown instead of drying yourself on the

towel and the dressing gown because it is a towel garment a garment towel if you will then it just dries you then as you move about so you don't have to dry yourself before you put the dressing gown on. Is that how that works? I don't know. Well, I do. Because opinion is divided on this issue. Oh. I have seen shock expressed when I've gone straight for the robe post-shower. Who on earth sees you at that stage? I can't possibly imagine.

OK, OK, OK. But, yeah, I've seen shock expressed. If I'm putting it straight on. Because some are purists and think you should use the towel. Use the towel and then wear a towel. Yeah. They're over-egging the pudding, surely.

Can I say, what I won't tolerate is the waffle robe. It's like sandpaper. Is that like they sometimes give you in a spa? A waffle with the paper pants. I was given one only yesterdaypaper. Is that like they sometimes give you in a spa? Oh, yes. A waffle with the paper pants. I was given one only yesterday. I was going for a swim and the woman said, I said, can I have a big towel, please?

Because I'm going to go to the swimming and then the, you know, the shower. She went, oh, have a robe as well because it's raining outside. It'll be cosy. And I very nearly just thrust it straight back and said, I don't, I'm not going to need that. When in between being wet and being dry

am I going to need like a stay of execution garment? It's not my home. I'm not going to go and watch a DVD in a dressing gown am I? Did you say is it a waffle robe? You want me to say waffle robe? Is it a robe? Is it like Toby Jones?

Is it a robe de waffle? No the robe Rorbe. I quite enjoy it. Occasionally, I never do people's accents, but occasionally you say something which just gives me pleasure. I saw Toby Jones was in something this week and I thought of you. It was excellent. Yes, I've heard that.

Watched it. It was really, really good. I'm going to do one of those iPlayer things. Oh, I don't know if you've got that long. Oh. What have you heard? Actually, we've had a text in from 760 saying, I'm gowned up to the max right

now and I was the same last night. Hashtag awesome gowns. Last night? This is the other thing, when people put them on at night before they go to bed. It's like they want to let everything air before they go to bed. But have you never... I've fallen asleep in a row. But why on earth do you need something between clothes?

That's why they're called bedclothes on your bed, because your normal clothes are replaced by your bedclothes. I thought bedclothes was the sheets on the bedding. Yeah, they are. It's all bed clothes. I thought you meant pyjamas. They're not the clothes of the bed, if that's what you're thinking. No.

There isn't, like, a bedsware shop where mattresses are going in to get made-to-measure suits for wedding nights. Don't be ridiculous. Can I be honest, darling? I think that problem with you Oh god Is that the road Oh this is quite a big

Outlander journey sentence You know the dressing gown conversation We're parking that Okay And now we're going to do The problem with you Shall I put Shall I put some music on

For the Let's put some music on And I'll be back in a bit With the problem with you Aye aye aye You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Hey, on 8-12-15, the texts have started coming in thick and fast

about this what I can call dressing gown gate. Dry first, as you will have a wet dressing gown when you next put it on, says Richard. Yes, Emily. All right. Never mind that. You could argue the same about using towels, though, couldn't you? Was that a demonstration of the text coming in thick and fast?

No, that was just one. That was just one. 514 has also said, isn't it just normal to sleep in pants? I'm with you. I wear a cotton boxer short, and when I jump out of bed, I would probably put on some jogging bottoms and a hoodie,

which I think have replaced the dressing gown. Wow, when you're off for a midnight crime. No, you know that they apparently sell less wrist watches now because people have got phones and they check the time on their phones. The watch is being threatened but I think the dressing gown is being directly threatened

by the hoodie. Good. You do get the hoodie dressing gown. You do get the hooded dressing gown. Where does that leave us in this argument? All my robes, I don't call them dressing gowns, I call them robes. Could you start calling them dressing gowns, please? I think it'll bring you closer to our class level. Oh, I'm good, thank you. Yes, and also I grew up on that film, The Robe,

for Christmas about Jesus. If that had been called The Dressing Girl. I currently have five robes on just the one hook. Well, that must be straining if they're all sopping wet. Yeah. It is straining. Are some of them silk? Is that why it can take the burden? No, they're pretty much mainly toweling.

But I've just remembered, I never told you the problem with you. Oh, yeah, the problem with me. So the problem with you is that I think the robe itself, the toweling robe, in some ways, it's inherently very decadent. It's about just luxuriating and lounging around. There's no real purpose for it. And I think perhaps that's why you're not a fan. I'm glad you said the last bit. Yeah, there is no purpose. Yeah. Okay.

And I think with your somewhat hair shirt approach to life, I think you think what's the point of it? To say hair shirt is the man I've been living with as a friend and lover for the last 20 years. German, isn't he? German, but he's a nice bloke.

Anyway, next week on The Problem With You, I'll be discussing something else. No, I think that's what it is, Frank. Well, you say that, but at the same time, I was slightly affronted by, Kath will wear a dressing gown with a non-matching dressing gown belt. She'll wear a belt from another dressing gown. Now you'd think someone

who, as you say to me, is trying to more into dressing down than dressing gown would think, yeah, that's it, you show the dressing gown, it's not as fancy as it thinks. I'm appalled by it. I'm appalled by the juxtaposition. I hate to throw a spanner in the works further but we've had two different text messages

I wish I had a sound effect jingle then. A spanner, that would be good. Can we sort that down and see a spanner in the works further, but we've had two different text messages. I wish I had a sound effect jingle then. A spanner, that would be good. We should get that. Can we sort that down and see a spanner arriving in works? 371 has texted, bathroom and dressing gown, two different items of clothing, two exclamation marks. 594, I think you're confusing dressing gowns with bathrobes, just saying.

That's Linda. I think you'll find they're exactly the same. They're exactly the same item. Exactly the same item. If you take it in one room, it becomes a bathrobe, in another room it becomes a dressing gown. I don't know. If there's tissue in the pocket, it's a dressing gown.

That's my motto. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Stop scratching. I tell you what I saw Sorry. I saw that must be really annoying

for people at home. Yeah. I saw a very cool character yesterday in the street wearing

A dressing gown? No. He was wearing as you would imagine he was wearing, as you would imagine, he was wearing a woolen hat. Quite a loose-fitting woolen... No, it was quite loose, you know, and it was all... Oh, yeah.

Ooh, baby, kind of a hat. He sounds very cool. Ooh, baby. No, he was very cool. It did strike me that the woolen hat is probably at its peak at the moment. It doesn't have a peak. No, it doesn't. It's absolutely...

I mean, it's never been more fashionable. Well... The beanie has never been more fashionable. The woolen hat indoors as well. The woolen hat indoors in particular. When someone does that, I just think they've not washed their hair. That's what I think. If they've got a woolen hat on and they're keeping it on,

they've just not washed their hair that day. Yeah, see, I always think enormous operation scar, so I never mention it. That's the difference. Yeah, I'm a very sensitive person. But it suddenly occurred to me, how odd, that when the woolen hat is absolutely at its height, the bobble has completely dropped out of fashion.

Well, the bobble was popular last AW, wasn't it, Emily Dean? Well, the bobble is popular, and other things I never thought I'd say this morning, in a sort of hipster. It's a bit ironic. I thought you were going to say that. Fixed-wheel bike, big beers. No, in eastern London. Shoreditch type. Is it? Yes, It's a bit ironic. I thought you were going to say that. Fixed wheel bike. No, in eastern London.

Shoreditch type. Is it? Yeah. You never see a bobble anymore. No, that's not your world, darling. No. Well, it used to be. I mean, the bobble...

You were a hipster. No, I was a football fan. Well, I still am. You see, this is what made me think about it. Yeah. I haven't done this for a while, but I went out in a football shirt, not to a match.

I just wore it. I wore a football shirt as casual wear. How did you have three-quarter-length trousers and wraparound shades? And I had my head shaved just for the day. Yeah. No, I just... It's a nice...

I think there are certain football shirts you can wear as casual wear. And I know you're both looking very dubious. I think there are certain football shirts you can wear as casual wear. I know you're both looking very dubious. It's a bit insufficient evidence party. If it's an international strip from an obscure, non-successful country, or the away strip from the past of your own team, I think that's acceptable. It's all about periphery.

It's so specific. Yeah, it's about periphery. That I think that's acceptable. It's all about periphery. So specific. Yeah, it's about periphery, that's what it's about. Sometimes people can get away with an obscure international team as well. Oh, I just said that. Did you? I mean, how embarrassing. I can't even look at you. Oh, you mean a club team? No, I'm gone too. Oh, right, no, I meant like, for example, I wore a Switzerland shirt. Did you? That's pretty neutral. Yeah, a Switzerland shirt

from about 20 years ago. I felt okay with that. That's fine. Well, you may have felt okay, but let me tell you this. Yes, go on. You can't wear football shirts with casual wear.

I would normally agree with you. It's unacceptable. You can wear them with smart stuff, though. That does pass. No, it's interesting. Imagine wearing that. That's good. Black tie with a football shirt underneath.

I mean, I must say, in the old days, I would never have gone shopping in a rosette. You just don't do it. But you do see quite a lot of people. But I think if it's a contemporary shirt, it's out of the question. But if it's something a bit odd, or people say, oh, what's that?

And you say, oh, it's a San Etienne Away, 1990s. That's all right, I think. Nice, yeah. You with me on this now, Em? Well, I don't know, but I'm going to start wearing my Formula One jumpsuit. We're all doing that then. That'd be brilliant. We had a complaint today that we gave away the pole positions on the news.

Oh, we did. For Formula One. The guy was absolutely furious. I believe he was as idiot. Oh, dear. Yeah, that's the trouble with the news. They're always letting stuff leak about what's currently happening in the world. I keep telling them to, you know... Be more secretive about it.

I listen to the whole news going, spoilers! Spoilers! Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't know if there's any gardeners listening, but I did the wrong thing yesterday. I cut a wet lawn. You're not supposed to cut a wet lawn.

Is that right? Yeah. It's difficult in this country. To not sometimes. Unless I've got some form of... They used to have a cover at Warwickshire County, a cricket ground that went across the whole, more or less the whole thing, called the Brombrella.

Oh, that's good. It was clever. And unless I did that... Anyway, I had to cut... It was getting... It was starting to look like, you know one of those gardens that you get in a street where you think someone's gone wrong in that family? Yes. I know exactly. You know those gardens?

Yes. That was our garden. I have to say, our Keith had a garden that, what happened was that during the, remember those gale the michael fish gales yes yeah the great storm they blew over the um he had a sort of a picket fence on the side of his garden and we're talking front or back front okay and it blew down and i said uh to keith you need to put that he said yeah i'll do it i'll just i a bit busy but I'll do it, I'll do it the weekend so next weekend he still hadn't done it

two years passed and the lawn claimed Kate's fence for its own it grew in and out of it and it sort of disappeared into the lawn, the fence it was like, if you can imagine watching a Mississippi riverboat and one of the blades and it sort of disappeared into the lawn, the fence.

If you can imagine watching a Mississippi riverboat and one of the blades steadily going, just as it goes into the water and then disappears, that's what happened with the fence into Arcade's lawn. So I thought, I don't want that. I don't want to be seen as, you know, one of the, there's trouble in that house, gardens. So I took it on wet yesterday. And I think that's why I've been bitten.

I think the garden... You really are scratching a lot now. Yes, it's getting worse. When you did it a second ago, the producer walked away from what you were doing. I think I might be off to A&E or something after. Or is that that naturist magazine from the 70s? That was H&E.

Never said that anymore, do you? No. What, naturist or that magazine? Do naturists still exist? I bet there's at least four. I'm saying five. There's five naturists listening now to this programme. Right, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I love the naturists listening now to this programme. Right, yeah, yeah. Oh, I loved a naturist with their 1970s bodies. Lovely. They may be fans of the dressing gown. Who knows? I went out with a naturist. This isn't a joke. It does feel like there's a punchline coming. It does sound like I went out with a mermaid once. 36, 24 and three and six a pound. No, I did go out with a naturist. It was sort of... An eye-opener?

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from eight on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. Why don't you text us on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Now, we have quite an unusual thing today. When this show started, we used to have guests on every week. And we stopped. We stopped, yeah. I don't recall why. I think I had a big thing about it. Went in the cafe after for brunch and I said, I've had enough for guests.

And shortly after we stopped. But we make exceptions. Occasionally, yeah. We had Neil Gaiman on not too long ago. And we've got David Baddiel is with us later in the show selling stuff. Say that like

he's got a bric-a-brac. I think it makes it sound like he's got a stall in some Turkish bazaar. Folks that used to come in the pub on a Friday night with seafood in a basket. Yeah. So David will be along later. Folks that used to come in the pub on a Friday night with seafood in a basket. Yeah, but... So, David will be along later. You know where he'll be right now?

He'll be... He always drives. Never takes... I've noticed. Never takes cabs. I bet he was in... Because he did drive to the BAFTAs once. This is how often he drives. I'll say he's in his dressing gown now. He favoured a dressing gown.

He'll be driving around trying to sort out his parking. That's what he'll be doing. Surely he won't drive in today, will he? I don't know. You'd be surprised. You'd look to me as if I did. That's the producer. She doesn't know. She says she doesn't know. She doesn't want to say no if we send him a car in case we have another guest on at some time and we don't feel

they're worthier for a car. Good point. You have to think ahead in this job. I know it looks like she just stands in the corners laughing, but she has to do, I think it's four things? Is it three? Anyway.

Anyway, Chris Evans. I prefer... George Clooney! Got married this week. As they say in the newsroom, so shy. George Clooney got married. He did. He sure did.

Clooney got married. Why the secrecy, George, though? Why the discretion? You mean enough people don't know about it? He went very OTT, didn't he? Big, innit? It's big. Big? Big.

I've got to ask you about Venice. Would you get married in Venice? I hated Venice, but... Of course you did. Have you seen the prices of those pizzas? Do you know what? We went and it just rained. It rained and rained and rained

and I didn't have a good meal, not a single nice meal. You're sounding so British right now. I just didn't enjoy Venice. And it's one of those things where there are places that I could go back to all the time. And Venice is... I just... I had a bad start and it's staying. I mean, I wasn't invited anyway. I had this thing in Venice. I went there the first five times, I think, I went there.

The woman, I went with a different woman at the time. Legend. You're listening to Absolute Legend. But I split up, we split up after the Venice trip on, me and Kath actually split up at the airport. From Venice? Yeah. Yeah, it was, yeah. But we got back together, obviously. But the other Yeah. Yeah, it was

yeah. But we got back together obviously, but the other ones, no, I saw it as the absolute kiss of death to my relationships. But I do, it's beautiful. I mean, Venice. Let's hope George isn't listening to that. I'm doing this with my mouth. People at home

thinking he's got a mandolin. No. The thing is with a wedding... Very good impersonation of a mandolin. Thanks. The thing is with a wedding in Venice, what I like about a wedding is the old tins on the back of the car. Oh, yes. Oh, I love that.

As they go off, hey, just married. In Venice, it's just, you put the tins on the back of the gondola. Oh, yeah. All you can hear is... You might catch some sprats by the end of the sprats. Yeah, you'd be lucky if you catched even a... even a sprat. But, so that would put me off.

But I have been slightly fascinated by the whole thing. Yeah. I don't normally read... By the whole George Clooney thing. Well, I don't normally read that much showbiz stuff. You can't avoid this one. We'll come out to it. We'll talk. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text from Dan in sort of sunny Southend. He says, Frank and the super gang. We'll take that. We'll take that. I split from a seven-year relationship in Venice. Thankfully, we didn't get back together. Yes, a beautiful place.

This is a strange texting that we're now running on commercial radio. Have you split up with someone in Venice? In Venice. Or post-Venice. Or post-Venice. Or been there and not enjoyed it. Venice is not the place to go. If you're in love with someone, it seems. I think the problem is with Venice,

it's full of people who walk around holding hands and kissing on bridges. Yeah. I mean, standing on bridges. And that makes you say, if there's any flaws at all in your relationship, they start to show up. Now, the thing is, those people are probably overcompensating because they're in venice and they think that'll be romantic i suppose yeah so it's a terrible it's a it's a vicious um circle as i think the french say some sort of circle but they seem like a nice couple don't they clooney Clooney and Amal? Do they? Don't they? I wouldn't want to go out with a human rights lawyer.

Why not? Oh, you can just imagine everything you say. Oh, I've had a terrible day. Oh, have you had a terrible day? What about the people in the third world? I couldn't live with that. Right. Couldn't live with it.

She looks... She looks nice. Yes, she looks nice. She entered to the tune of Here Comes the Bride, which I thought was a bit... It's not something you often hear at weddings these days. No, if I got... It's a Benny Hill sketch.

If I got married in Venice, I'd want to go down the aisle to Who Let the Doge Out. Very good. Did she come to a proper... Oh, lovely. Well, I'm sorry. And then there was a jazz trio. There was a jazz trio,

which apparently Bill Murray was particularly into. That's pretty cool. I think he might have been the only one. Yeah, but he wasn't really into it, was he? He was drunk and thinking, oh, it's jazz, I'd better pretend I like jazz, because that makes me sound cleverer. I thought that when reading the article. And then later on it says that Bono was there,

so I suspect he was just thinking, oh, this is great, I'd better enjoy this before he picks up a guitar and starts doing one of his songs to us all. He was going around giving his album out to everyone. Can you imagine? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, imagine Bono at the wedding, how many people were coming up going, I just need to get this off my iTunes, do you know how to do it?

He'd turn up, laid him down, he'd be like David Baddiel with his copies of his books this morning. I'll tell you, but I have scoured the reports of this wedding and i cannot find a trace of sir alton john can you imagine in in the in the villa in nice yes david as have you checked have you checked the mail today no uh no i uh not here. Look, it might have fallen behind the piano. I bet he's been absolute... When I looked at it, I read the guest list and I actually sang. Oh, no, John, no, John, no, John, no.

Because there was no John. Yeah, but how can Elton John not have been at an enormous showbiz wedding in Venice? How did that happen? I think it's a violation of his human rights. I do, yeah. I do. I should tell the bride. Yeah.

Maybe he's going through a... How can I put this? I think he goes through what I call tracksuit periods in his life. Excellent. Oh, yeah, he does. Do you know what I mean? Do you think he was invited? If he'd have been invited, he'd have been there like a show.

I'm surprised there wasn't suddenly a sort of floating piano didn't come down the Grand Canal with him desperately trying to do a version of your song with references to George and... Nice, yeah. What's she called? Aladdin. No, not Aladdin.

Amal. Yeah. He didn't come down doing a special version for them. With them saying, no, you're not invited. Rock up my... No, you're not invited. I remember... No, go away.

Just see him going off into the distance. Goodbye, young bro. Can you get out of the way? I'm trying to Yeah But who can Elton John not have been at that wedding? There's a story here That's true

There's a story Absolute Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio There's a new story that has rung a bell with me

It's about new mothers There's a news story that has rung a bell with me. It's about new mothers apparently get jealous, envious of their kids' clothes because baby clothes are so fashionable now and new mums apparently they don't spend as much on themselves to try and look good as they did before. They've reduced their spending. What about yummy mummies? Well, I'm a big fan of yummy mummies. I'm glad you brought that up.

What, as a... Absolutely disgusting. As a genre. Yeah, yeah. As a genre, there would be a genre that I would... Yeah, I... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I like the yummy mummy genre.

OK, that's what I can say. I can say that. But I'm also... I'm glad you feel you can speak freely. I'm here to tell you you can't. I'm also a big sufferer from strange envies. Yes. I get jealous of my own children's clothes. Really?

As in the clothes of my children, not children's clothes that I've invented, like I've got a range or anything. Yeah, they get some really cool stuff. I'd like to see your children's clothes. They're like Victorian street urchins. I get jealous of other men's beards i get beard envy i get comfy envy do you ever get comfy anywhere somebody just looks really comfortable in the clothes that they've got on

have you ever had that someone says to me that looks so comfy i punch them really you think that's a bad thing honestly i did a gig with somebody recently and they had on some like i think quite quality denim but they'd been worn in a t-shirt, a cardigan... And a dressing gown. And a dressing gown. And one of those Baker Boy hats. Honestly, he was doing a gig, but he looked like he could have happily gone on a long-haul flight. Can I fess up what is a Baker Boy hat? Fess up? It's a hat that Baker Boys used to wear. It's quite a well-known... Baker Boys, I think asking people who bake.

Yeah, I think they delivered bread. I mean, we'll probably get some text explaining it. I just don't know what it means. It's got a peak and I think six or perhaps eight panels. It's a bit peaky-blinder. It's a bit peaky-blinder, but more panelled than that. Very comfortable looking. I get the baby clothes thing.

I get very envious. Of the baby clothes? Mainly get very envious of the baby clothes mainly the sizes naught to three yeah my dream um but yet some of them are beautiful i've got to be honest well i i'm cheap without the vote of course one garment i really don't envy um bars buzz wears a jumper with his age on oh Oh, no, I won't be doing that. That's going to catch on, is it? No, not on my neck of the woods. He's got a big two on the front of it.

Yeah. I'm not going to go in with that. I quite like the jeans with the elasticated waist, though. Well, that's a boon always at our age. Smash in. Yeah, I like... Great for having a big meal, aren't they? I like a bib, I must tell you.

All these items are available at the I Have Given Up shop, which Frank and I are going to start going to. No, a bib... I think they advertise in newspapers, don't they? I think adult bibs would make a lot of sense, don't you think? I often spill stuff. I mean, it's only in a rib shack. Is it really OK to wear a bib? I often spill stuff. I mean, it's only in a rib shack.

Is it really okay to wear a bib? I call it a bib shack. That's what I call it. But they're complete. You know, if you think that it's more acceptable for a child to have food and stuff, we might have a nice, you know, look, Emily always comes here and makes absolute sense if she put a bib on for brunch. Yeah.

It's nice that you said she always... What, am I turning up? Actually, I've got... No, no, you turn up like you're looking like you're in an Ocean Colours scene, like you always do. I'll take that. I'll take that. That's fine, but...

Why aren't there adult bibs more often? It's a good point. I'm serious. I think that'd be a good idea. I'm always looking for an invention, me. Yeah. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We were talking about getting envious of children's clothes and other strange envies.

I don't know if this says a lot about me, but I get envious of people with big, strong-looking calf muscles, and I get especially envious of people with those, you know, those little small, strong hands. Oh, like me? No, robots. You're a lady, aren't you? No, not robots.

Like, kind of little Danny DeVito, powerful, like, builder's hands. Like those little pudgy, strong-fingered... Oh, no. I haven't got those. My hands are long and sort of... Like me? They are nice, but they're not macho or strong they're more capaldi hands i saw a documentary about fisher women and they were i got really jealous

of their hands you call it a documentary cool story bro um can i tell you what i envy please do animals of the wealthy because they've got a lovely life. Carried around. Oh, they've got the good postcode, but they don't have to talk to the terrible plus one. Yeah, but aren't they drowned by servants? Don't you end up being drowned by servants when you become unfashionable?

I just think they've got the perfect deal. I thought you meant drowned with attention of the servants. I didn't realise you meant that they meet a fate. You know, when they say, you know, I think your chitarians just aren't in any more. Clive, could you... And then you never see it again.

Oh, dear. Awful. I suppose there's a downside. My son has got... He's got these things that are all in one, but it's... What would you call one where they're buttoned up the crotch? It's legless, but they're buttoned up the crotch. Oh, it's not this thing that says on all in one, but it's... What would you call one where they button up the crotch? It's legless, but they button up the crotch.

Oh, it's not a baby grow. I suppose it's a baby grow. I mean, he doesn't fit in it now. But it had Bruce Lee and a really good drawing of Bruce Lee. Oh, lovely. But it was tight on the gossip, even on my child. It got so tight on the gossip that i i realized that eventually i realized his feet weren't touching the floor anymore it's actually being raised up so we had to we had to stop that

but i would i would have loved that i don't know if i could get away with the baby grow but if i wore it with trousers over the top who'd know yeah exactly your little secret well women you know women all wear a teddy on their jeans. A teddy? Yeah, a teddy. I don't know a teddy. Is that what it's called, a teddy? Have I said a bad thing? No, a teddy. Is that what it's called?

It's a teddy, isn't it? I think you mean a body. A body. What's a teddy, then? A teddy is, um, nightwear. Oh. I believe, yeah. I don't know that.

Not in our house! Yeah. Oh, well, I don't know that one. Not in our house! Yeah. Oh, well, I've met a terrible faux pas. I'm enjoying it at the moment. You know, sometimes embarrassment can be terrible, but sometimes you can... you're just glad of the warmth. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in.

This is from one of my regulars, Simon the Art Dealer. Oh, yes. He's got strong views on Venice as well. Simon says, Venice, I did it the other way around, Frank. I was done... Yeah, well, I mean, you don't have to go into those kind of details. I was dumped by my girlfriend, Sarah. I mean, you don't have to go into those kind of details. I was dumped by my girlfriend, Sarah. Oh, we've named her now.

Who ran off with the guy who owned the local Greek restaurant. What, in Venice or back home? Back home, I think. And so, to cheer myself up, I decided to go to Venice. Idiot. That would do it. Every bridge, piazza and gondola was awash with loving and courting couples i couldn't escape fools dropping to one knee in proposal oh dear yeah it was uh

simon you brought it on yourself it was a bad idea wasn't it how do i get over this relationship i know i'll go to venice on my own yeah oh i i kind of thinking a poor dirt bow, God. He should have gone to Iron Appa, Frank. He would have made him want to be celibate for life. That would have been good. Well, there's lots of, probably the last place on Earth I'd want to go on my own would be Venice, I think. Yeah. Is that true? No, actually, I'd happily go and do the galleries, have a

little pizza. A little pizza? Yeah. And then, you know. Pizza for wonder, then? Because, let's face it, I'd be looking at those couples holding hands, but I'd be doing it disparagingly, thinking, ah, that's your insecurity that you have to put on public displays of affection. Yeah, like he does when he says,

fools. I like the fact that he calls them fools dropping on one knee. Yes. How's the arm? How's the bite? Stop scratching. I've applied cream to the bite now. I can't bear that we have to keep saying stop scratching. It's like being in the workhouse.

They're you'd now, that. OK, fair enough. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And I believe we're now about to enter email call and I haven't dealt with what I like to call a text message. Hold on, hold on, hold on. In my life I've found that it pays to wait.

Hold on. Does anybody know this song? It's by Peter Skellen. Is it? OK. Give me a call! Peter Skellen. Is it? Okay. Email Corner! Emily Dean on lead vocals. That's the

Email Corner jingle. Feet Emily Dean. I like the implication that there are any sort of other vocals on that track. Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm listening to your back catalogue of podcasts and have come across some etymological questions that have hung in the ether unanswered.

What? Have they? I thought I would try and answer them for you. In a show from 2012, you ask where the term stool pigeon comes from. It's a reasonable question. Of course, yeah. I believe the phrase comes from the hunting of passenger pigeons in North America in which they would capture one of the birds, tie it to a stool...

Hold it, passenger pigeons? Yeah. What are they? I think they're those pigeons that you occasionally see getting a backy off other pigeons. Yeah, ferrying mice. Yeah, I've seen that. I've never heard of a... messenger pigeons, I've heard of. Yeah, and then there's passenger pigeons. They carry passengers. They're sort of freeloaders really, yeah.

Okay. I don't know. No, I've never heard that. Maybe they're like scrubs, they don't have their own car or something. Scrubs? Scrubs. Do you know what scrubs are? No, I remember the popular TV show. Oh no. What are scrubs? Scrub Daisy, can you explain what a scrub is? It's a guy who perhaps doesn't own his own vehicle or his own car. It's kind of a street thing. Like an impoverished chap. And so he gets lifts.

Yes, exactly. Right. Okay. Alright. I never thought I'd have to explain what scrubs were. Well, I never thought I wouldn't know what scrubs were. How could I have thought that when I didn't know what scrubs were? If I didn't know what they were, how could I know that I didn't know what they were? OK, next.

You're listening to absolute existentialism. Yes. The hunting of passenger pigeons in North America in which they would capture one of the birds, tie it to a stool, and as the birds were so gregarious, a flock would assemble around the captured bird, which made it... Like a gig! Which made for easy hunting.

It's like a rat pack gig. Yeah. There'd be one of them on a stool. I imagine they forced it into a roll-neck sweater. Uh-huh. And the others would gather. That's exactly how it works with stool pigeons. That sounds too literal, doesn't it? that a stool pigeon would be on a stool no that's why it was called a stool pigeon because it was on a stool it was actually a passenger

i got that yeah this is getting nasty yeah yeah but i mean i thought it would be some complicated but in fact it was called a stool pigeon because it was on a stool well due to that overhunting the species went from the most numerous bird in the world to extinct with the last remaining bird keep it light last remaining bird dying in Cincinnati Zoo in 1916 he said not google date but believe correct

can I just say our thoughts are with its family laughter Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran Together, The Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

Text us on 81215 No really Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. David Baddiel's in the building already. He is in the building. He's in the building. Came in, took a chocolate biscuit, left.

Also, I'm mid-email. We're still in email corner. Still got to do the tail end of... I've got to do the tail end of this email from Ivan in Cambridge, but if I can just trail something else, we've had an email from some naturists. That's all I'm saying. We'll pick that up later. You will.

I will, yeah. The email about the stool pigeon is not time to start it. I still don't know what a passenger pigeon is. No. Today's texting, 8-12-15, what is a passenger pigeon and why? Why is it called that? It continues, also whilst interviewing Ross Noble in 2011. It's going back some this, isn't it? A bit forensic. You asked where the term rain check comes from. This term also derives from North America,

where if a baseball game was called off due to bad weather, people who had bought tickets would be given a rain check so they could enter the stadium when the game was rescheduled. Hope this helps. And the show is, of course, brilliant. As are you. Blah, blah, blah. That's cleared something up for me because I actually thought it was

rain check as in C-H-E-C-K. I thought it was someone putting their hand out like, I'll just check if it's raining or not. When someone said, oh, we're going to have to take a rain check on that, I thought they meant we'll see. But it doesn't mean that, does it? I think it probably does. No, I think that makes sense to take a rain check on that. I thought they meant, like, we'll see. Do you know what? It doesn't mean that, does it? I think it probably does.

No, I think that makes sense. Because a rain check is, well, I can't do it today, I'll do it another day. Yeah. And that's what happens with the baseball. If it's rained off, it's done later on. I love it. I enjoy it.

Thank you, Ivan in Cambridge. You sound quite intelligent. Yeah, it's really good. I was at the Shea Stadium once in New York. Worked with them all? And every time a batter got out for the opposition, New York Mets played there, this old guy next to me went,

Good night! And I found myself doing it for years. It became one of my, what do you call them, the earworms? Yes. And particularly if I was doing a new material gig, stand-up, when I went to, and the list at the end, see how stuff had gone, when I got to a joke that had gone

really badly, I'd go, goodnight! As I crossed it out. Oh, I used to go there a lot, Shai Stadia. I want some, I bought some Cracker Jack there. You know, that sort of crackle, not toffee stuff. Oh, yeah.

I bought some of that. With your teeth? Are you out of your mind? And the guy said, there's your... He gave me the money and I said, thank you. And he said, oh, you mean keep the change? And I said, the guy said, there's your... He gave me the money and I said, thank you. And he said, oh, you mean keep the change? And I said, what? He said, no, in New York, when we say thank you,

that means keep the change. And I said, oh, OK, well, keep the change. He's like a real wimp. And this guy next to me said, I've lived in New York for 45 years. I've never heard that in my life. I was ripped off. Yeah, you got mugged. And if I ever...

You got murked. Can we get on to email two, please? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, regarding Frank's recent comments about science being boring. Yes. You'd think that as a scientist... In fact, this was a debate I had with David Baddiel.

Who now, now that science is fashionable, he started claiming that it's all interesting, that he's always liked it. David Baddiel. Oh, did you? Who now, now that science is fashionable, he's started claiming that it's all interesting, that he's always liked it. Don't say that. He's in the building. He's about to be in the studio. He's not the only one. He's the tip of the iceberg. Anyway. I think that's his family, no?

However, I find myself agreeing with Frank about the recent change. I think I can explain it best by invoking frank's comments about how he felt when seeing people in the pub on new year's eve during his central reservation years yes i should say that when i was a when i had a drink problem i used to be very resentful about new year's eve because part-time drinkers would come yeah and make it difficult to get served yeah yes annoying he says um as a scientist, this is how I feel when I see people going on about how science is, category C, swear word, awesome.

When they have not spent years going through the meticulous carrying out of experiments. Quite right. Yeah. I love this guy. Of course, I love science, but then I know what it actually is. Yes, indeed.

I hope this email wasn't too pompous. Regards, Samuel. Pompous? I feel like I've just finished a chocolate eclair. I love that email. That's exactly my point. Respect to science and scientists. Disrespect to the bandwagon jumpers. Tourists. Yeah, exactly.

Science, tourism. Although I do think we should begin an email trend of, what do you think is boring. I think that's quite good. Formula One, motor racing. I mean, that guy that was complaining earlier, oh, you've given away who's on the grid. Oh, God, what a terrible thing to have learned before you needed to know it.

But we're all different. Oh, yeah, but I mean, some people are into really boring stuff. I mean, I'm into boring stuff, but they're into really boring stuff. I don't wish to know what you're into, frankly. Just think, if science hadn't got fashionable, Professor Brian Cox would probably be working in a pharmacy now. And I reckon he'd have those... You know those bits of white you get in the corner of your mouth?

Oh, I hate that. Yeah, I reckon he'd have those. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what I've been wanting to discuss this morning is Floyd. Are you familiar with the work of Floyd Mayweather Jr.? I like Floyd. I mean, I know what he does for a living.

I wouldn't be able to rattle off details of his various belts. We'd better start getting familiar. He's a pugilist. Because he doesn't like it if someone doesn't give him his propers. He was in, rather extraordinarily, a Brixton Barbers. Yes, Floyd Mayweather, the famous boxer. He earns 50 million a fight, I read. He's bald, isn't he?

Well, yeah. Yes. Well, maybe they just spray Mr Sheen on his head. Yes. He earns 50 million a fight, I read. He's bald, isn't he? Well, yeah. Yes. Well, maybe they just spray Mr Sheen on his head. Yeah. Is that why he... Why would he go into the barber? He's got a goatee. He might be getting trimmed. Oh, maybe. Money to burn, these people. He could have done that himself with some nail scissors if he'd wanted. Yeah, but he has got money to burn. He's the money man.

He's the money man. He poses with pictures of himself in his bed with all his money. But what I like is he's all tucked up in the duvet. He doesn't look very cool. Yeah. Why does he do that? Why do they pose with cash? It's a bit 70s cash, isn't it?

That's the nice thing about it. It's got a lovely Ken Dodd feel to it, that picture. From the time when people kept money in their bedroom, you know, underneath the mattress and stuff. I like Floyd. He's a bit of a throwback to those. I like... I think he should post...

He's Cashinan. That's what he should be known as, not the money man. Cashinan. Floyd Cashinan Mayweather. Imagine if he was introduced like that. See, I think he'd be much cooler if he had just... Let's get ready to rustle. Very good.

Oh, thanks. Pictures of him with his bank statements. Yeah. My super-siver, Abinash, no high interest account. That's the trouble. With a nectar. A nectar across one chest. Anyway, Floyd got approached by this rather spirited character.

Yes. she approached him in the barbers yeah she said i don't know you and um he was getting a bit um irate at this and she said she didn't know she said she knew who mike tyson was yes i like exciting fights to which he said google rather! Rather in the manner... Very similar to how you would do it, Frank. I kind of... I watched the video of this, which is on the internet,

if anyone's interested. Yeah. I warmed to Floyd. I thought he was sort of winding her up a bit. Oh, do you think? Did you think he was angry? I didn't see the video. I only saw the article.

I thought it was his entourage were trying to... saying things like, you know, one of the greatest fads of all time, all that sort of stuff. The entourage. They can be very encouraging. Yeah, yeah. Entourage.

A little bit of mob rule there. Yeah, exactly. But I thought I liked it when he shouted Google. I liked... Well, there was one member of the entourage who said, I'm biggest in the world. And I thought that would have been my role. If someone came up to you and didn't know you, I'd have to say that.

Yeah, you... Biggest in the world. Yeah. I'd be there going, biggest in the world. Yeah. If someone thought you were Pasquale... And I'd say, yeah, money man. I don't know. There's a bit where he says, uh, hundred million in sixty minutes. Yeah.

I mean, that is difficult to work out, his hourly or his minutely rate. Well, I suppose 60 minutes is one hour. 100 million pound an hour, what's that for a minute? That's a tricky sum, isn't it? Yeah, the thing is with boxers, though, of course, is their rate goes up depending on how quick they finish the other bloke off. Yeah.

So if you can get in there... Is it no win, no fee? I think you'll find that's injury liars for us. Oh, okay. I knew there was an injury of some sort involved. I don't know if injury liars for us will handle Floyd Mayweather. Any boxer.

But yeah, I mean, obviously, if he finishes off quicker, then he could reduce that rate. It reminds me, do you know that LL Cool J track when he says, some suckers don't like me but I'm not concerned. 6K a night is what I earn. 6K for 20 minutes, that's what I earn. Nice.

When I first heard that, I thought, I remember at work when we used to get our wage slips, everyone was incredibly defensive and secretive. There's a man singing about his actual rights. What about the bloke, the woman that George Clooney married, Amal Thingy? Oh, yeah. If she works in the evening, does she have Amal Knight rights?

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I feel like I can bring you news that may help your gardening career now, Frank. We've had a text in from 441. The only time you don't mow grass is when it's frosty. In the rain is okay. And then it says ATG.

I don't know what ATG stands for. Tug the groundsman from devisers. I will not. Don't tell me what it is. He says he's a groundsman. I didn't like that D.H. Lawrence follow-up. His word carries. Yeah, A-T-G.

A-T-G. All the green. Oh, maybe. All the leaves are brown, the leaves are brown. That's weather. So there you go. The only time you don't mow grass

is when it's frosty. That's odd because when't mow grass is when it's frosty. That's odd, because when I mow it wet, it clacks to all the mower and stuck to the rotary blade central axle. I think... Oh, you know your onions, in fairness. No, I'm completely making it up. Don't mow the onions. Don't mow the onions.

That's a definite no-no. The only time you don't mow grass is when it's frosty. I'll remember that. That's what you're taking away from today's show. OK. Never mind that. We've had texting from a couple of naturists. Oh.

I told you there'd be naturists listening. You did. I think I said five, but three to go. This is from Sean. It says Sean's iPhone at the end. OK. So I'm just letting you know. I wonder where he keeps that.

Well, yeah. Me and my missus are naturists and would never wear a dressing gown or bathrobe. No. Which are two different things. We are naked, obviously. Well, yes. I love that Richard Curtis film.

I think they mean now. And feel no need to put on a toweling robe straight out of the bath or shower and would never put on a gown of any type to walk around the house. Dressing gowns are for people who refuse to reveal

any flesh at all. Don't be so embarrassed about what God gave you. Show it off and flaunt it. Sean's iPhone. So he knows to appeal to your belief in a beneficent deity as well, doesn't he? He knows how to get your mind on side.

Yes. Do you say show it off and flaunt it? Mind you, you're not big on nudity, the Catholic Church. To be absolutely honest. I've always found it a bit of a what I like about the whole idea of naturism is that they are completely...

It's a bit like that dance like there's no-one watching. You know, be naked like there's no-one watching. But I couldn't do it myself. I don't know. If I had a fantastic bod. But they never have. I'm sure these people have. I'm sure they're the rare exception.

But, you know, I think it's a well-known wisdom that the people who get naked are the people who shouldn't right yeah but um thanks for texting me no this might be an exception you do get the occasional stunning i i went out with a very um uh stunning stunningly good-looking naturist. Uh-huh. Until that trip to Venice, yeah. Yeah. And where he went, I don't know. No, I never took her to Venice. I like to remember George Michael. Yeah.

I wouldn't want to let him drive a gondola. Could take the palace down. Yes, okay. So, we haven't had a guest for such a long time. How are you feeling about it? I'm all right about it. Are we got DB out? Is he in the corridor?

Yeah, DB's next. He's pacing up and down. It's difficult, isn't it? Because we don't normally have guests. We just carry on in our own way. Couldn't see him through that window, actually. He's doing crunches to prepare for the show. That's weird, isn't it?

Yeah, he was doing, um doing lion bars when I looked earlier. Shall I be the sort of question master? You be the question master. You can have the conch, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think we should maybe come up with a tactic. Okay. What do you think? Yeah, Christmas tree formation. Okay, I'll go

in and then if you go in the hole, I'll be waiting for you. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. David Baddiel is here. Hello, Frank. Are we all supposed to applaud? Is that what they do? I think it's ruined now. No, asking for applause, it

doesn't fill my heart with joy. It's a bit the posse, isn't it? It is a touch. When I do Steve Wright in the afternoon, which you must do as well, do you? I've done Steve Wright in the afternoon. I've sometimes done it when it's not in the afternoon. He pre-records it sometimes.

I think you should give that away. I'm sorry, I've done it now. That's terrible. You say we pay, Gates. But they do, they do applaud. They always always do that thing yeah but um i don't take it in any don't read anything into it okay it's not that kind of show no no it's lovely to be on though well it's as you know i love this show i listen to it every saturday well we love you okay got that bit over yeah thank goodness what you you selling? Well, my musical. Thank you, Frank.

My musical, The Infidel, the musical version of my film that came out a few years ago, is on tonight. My, my, my. Yes, the thing that I did is on at Stratford East, Theatre Hall Stratford East in East London, tonight. It's the first preview. Here's the thing, the previews, I didn't really know this

until I started doing theatre. I thought you were going to say they're cheaper. They're cheaper. 13 quid. It it's breaking my heart 13 quid because because like when you do stand up as you will know you try stuff out and it's not quite right and that is often cheaper but previews no one comes on at the start and says look this might be rubbish so please don't worry about that we just do people know that there might be a bit where someone's waiting for a door to come on and it doesn't come and he has to mime knocking?

That sort of stuff might happen. Well, I've been to theatrical previews where things have gone a bit wrong. I remember a male dancer getting his foot caught in a revolving stage. What show was that? I'd never heard that sound before or since. But that was a preview i think i think you are allowed though just to get to get the kinks out as it were well they're doing a musical too i don't know if you know that i shouldn't be advertising that one it's a rival it's good that you've come on and plugged someone else's musical

very unlike me but uh yeah well because we had a dress yesterday, a dress rehearsal. Oh, it's got so thespian. I've said dress. We had a dress. Yes, I have got so thespian. Jazz hands. How did it go, love? Well, it was very good, apart from the fact there were lots of bits where technically it was a bit all over the place. Well, there you go.

That's why you got your preview. I know, but I didn't really know it. I haven't been myself to a preview, I think, ever. I think I've only read reviews, so after press night, to use another theatrical term, and gone afterwards. I didn't know there was this two weeks where you see work in progress. I didn't really know that. Yeah, well, it's exciting, though.

You'll be able to watch it evolve. Yeah, I will. You don't believe in evolution, do you? I sort of, yeah. I don't mind the gist of it. I love the sound of the previews, but I'll be at the premiere. You'll be at the premiere, of course.

No, yeah, you were number one on the list, darling. Thank you very much. You must walk around sometimes, walk around your average British town and think, evolution, are you sure? I don't want you two to get involved in a science argument. You two, are they here? They're on my iPhone.

Yeah, I can't help that. That's evolution for you. I cannot shift them. Evolution, it's abuse. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm here with the children's author, David Baddiel. You've brought that out of nothing.

I was talking about something completely different in the last link and people will be confused. But yeah, I've also written a children's book, Baddiel. You've brought that up. Nothing. I was talking about something completely different in the last link, and people will be confused. But, yeah, I've also written a children's book. That's right. Frank, Frank's looking at a bite, I should say, listeners, on his arm. He's got a flea bite on his arm. I never didn't say it was a flea. It's from a garden.

I'm assuming a bed bug. I don't know what it was. Is it from your garden? Because Frank lives near me now, and I'm worried the same flea or mosquito might come down to my garden with whatever disease you're carrying and give it to me. When you're going to wake up tomorrow and say, there's something wrong with my core

workout, what's happened to me? You'll be ruined. I have written a children's book, it's called The Parent Agency and Ezra, who you all know, my son, he gave me the idea. Oh, I love Ezra. I love Ezra too, strangely. Did he say, why haven't you got as much money as J.K. Rowling? Yeah, he did virtually say that.

Because he said, he was talking about Harry Potter, and he said to me, Dad, why hasn't Harry run away from the Dursleys, who you may know is a horrible muggle family that he lives with, but he's not at Hogwarts. Why hasn't he run away from them and go and find some better parents? And I said, I don't know, Ezra, but that's given me an idea.

And the idea was... Honestly, I never get ideas like that. No, I have to sit and squeeze them out. Really? Yeah, yours are like windfall fruit. Well, yes, they are. A lot of them are terrible. But this one wasn't terrible.

This was a good idea because it gave the idea of a kid who is a bit annoyed and fed up with his parents in the way that most kids get. They're a bit boring, they're a bit strict. Can I say he's rather brilliantly called Barry, which I love. He's annoyed they called him Barry. He's furious they called him Barry because they're called Susan and Jeff.

And one night after a big row with them, he loves James Bond and he wants to have a big row with them, because he loves James Bond, and he wants to have a big James Bond party, and his dad has bought... No, I used to love James Bond, that's what you love. Can I say, Frank, I've started reading it, it is basically David Vidal's childhood. And he's furious because his dad has bought him

the wrong James Bond film, he's bought him the David Niven parody on DVD, Casino Royale. So he has a big row, and then in his bed alone... I thought you meant he brought in Quantum of Solace. Yeah, that's the wrong James Bond film. He wishes to the skies for better parents and then Lionel Messi and James Bond, who are posters on his wall,

basically transport him to a universe where kids are in charge and kids are allowed to choose their own parents through something called the parent agency, and he gets to try out five different types of parents in five days. Rich parents he chooses are the opposite of his parents, basically. Rich parents, famous parents, parents who aren't strict, parents who are really energetic,

and parents in which he's the favourite one in the family. Okay. Yeah. Is it a bit insecurity-making for any parent looking at this book? Well, for me, because it's my child who came up with the idea. It's my child who said, Dad, what about an idea about a book for a son who goes and finds some better parents?

What do you think about that idea? I feel my son might possibly have gone for younger. Yeah. Actually, that's something that Barry never says. Really? I should have thought of it. Much, much younger. One who's not going to die quite soon.

Yeah, makes sense. What about that? Yeah, but you know, I don't think that's such a worry if you know there's an inheritance around the corner. I don't know. Labour government get in, they're going to tax it. Oh, God, here you go. You heard it here first.

None of this is in the children's book. You know Ed. You're friendly with Ed. Friendly with Ed? You know something we don't know. Absolute. Absol know. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the children's author, David Burden. David Burden. A children's author. I'm reading it tomorrow at the Hartford Children's Book Festival in Hartford. Tomorrow morning. And this is the thing, again.

Another plug in. Another plug. But I wanted to, because I haven't done a children's gig before it's it's 11 o'clock in the morning right and it's going to be parents but then a lot of children yeah and you can't put children down if they're heckling which they kind of will be won't they because you'll find a way well i'm not sure i'm worried about it i'm worried my normal slightly Tourette's response to hecklers which is to say the first thing that comes into my head isn't gonna potty mouth isn't gonna work with if children start you don't want to say it's a shame when cousins marry if their parents are in

the room really you don't want to do that yeah so i i don't really i will be reading from the book and then answering questions it's a different world dave isn't it i know i mean this is what i wanted to say i which Because you've written proper adult novels... Yes. I mean, for granted. They're not erotica. I don't want anyone to think you've written adult novels. Well, actually, the first one's got some erotica. Anyway.

How do you know if you've written a good children's book? Well, one way... Because you're not a child. No, well, I am, really. I think, actually, one of the things about being a comedian, I think, is that one is much more in touch with the child within yourself than most people, I think. OK. I feel it's one of the things about being a comedian.

You see, I started reading Harry Potter, and I thought, I can't read this, it's a children's book. Right. Well, I think the parent agency has got jokes in it that are sort of for parents as well. Operates on many levels. But also, I do have a nine-year-old child and a 13-year-old child.

So unlike when I wrote adult novels, which I wouldn't try out on anyone, I did actually read out bits of them to both my kids and see if they worked. And Ezra in particular was quite keen on saying, no, that doesn't work. That's rubbish. What about this?

And Ezra was very keen on workshopping it. He obviously hasn't worked with you before. No, no. No supper. That was it. No pocket money, no supper. I hasn't worked with you before no supper that was it no pocket money no supper i couldn't do that with frank well i was working with frank that didn't work no saying no money it never worked but you didn't need me because you were an adult who could judge an adult thing you know what i mean it doesn't really matter if i like it or

don't like it's about whether kids like it yeah well i i did uh well i did talk to my kids a lot about it and read it and read it out to them but to some extent i just went with my own childlike sense of humor the childlike end of my own sense of humor i didn't sort of inhibit myself as i might do if i'm writing stand-up or a funny a grown-up book thinking oh that's a bit you know childlike it's a bit silly i thought no no put that in because it's a bit silly and so far kids have really liked it actually I'm loving it as well and I have to say I hate Harry Potter

and people with mortgages reading kids books but this is my exception I adore it well thank you very much I think of you as a very adult and sophisticated person thank you I'm just going to worry that Dave's just going to wear purple all the time I saw Michael Malpergo once I love the way you thought his name was Malcolm Malpergo.

He ought to be called Malcolm. Yeah, it does sound like it. He's got too many M's. I think that would complete the whole thing if it was called Malcolm. But Michael Malpergo was all in purple. And I don't mean a smart suit. Like a corduroy casual suit and purple trainers and stuff.

Purple hat. And I do think, I do wonder if children's writers... A little bit self-starred, colourful characters. Strange. Yeah. think, I do wonder if children's writers... A little bit self-style colourful characters. That would be strange. Yeah. Well, I've met him and he... I'm going to start wearing a hat. When I met him, he was also wearing a bit of deep red rather than purple,

but also all matching... Yeah, he wears... He goes the whole... I think he's got his purple wardrobe and his red wardrobe. Yeah. It's some kind of strange cult, possibly. Michael Mal Purple, I'd call it. Brilliant.

You should write a kid's book with that kind of silly material. Yeah. The thing is, I've never even read a kid's book. Well, read the parent agency. No, but when I was a kid, I didn't read kid's books. You didn't read anything, did you, until you were 17? I read comic books. Yeah.

Well, fair enough. I'd happily write one of those. But no, that's why I think it's an incredible sort of guessing game, writing for kids. Yeah, but, you know, it's just storytelling at some level, you know, which I like doing anyway. And so I think everything that one does as a writer, performer, sort of is

storytelling. And you just think of it as a slightly more focused type of story than you would do otherwise. Well, if you want to see what it's like, I think it's in the sun today, some of it, in the Sun newspaper see what it's like, I think it's in the sun today, some of it, in the sun newspaper. When you told me David Baddiel's in the sun, I was really worried.

Obviously, I haven't been in it for a while. I see what you mean. There's no warning or anything. Well, there are. They get you now, just like that. I didn't see anything that said, you know, free in today's thing. It just suddenly appeared in the middle of the sports pages. The sports pages? Yes, it's in the middle of the sports pages. The sports pages? Yes, it's in the middle where the sports pages are.

Well, it's a little bit where Barry gets to play for the United Kingdom, which is the national side of the place that he's gone to. So he's playing football in that bit. So it still seems a bit of a leap. The sports pages in between Jose Mourinho slagging off Arsene Wenger. That's exactly where it was. It was like those bits where the telly goes all funny in a science fiction film and a monster of people you came out of nowhere like that but yeah

so you can check it you can have a little taster of it in today's uh son newspaper is it in the mirror as well no everywhere no i don't think so i haven't taken over the world it's everywhere and when does it come out dave it comes out on tuesday i think it comes I haven't taken over the world. It's everywhere. When does it come out, Dave? It comes out on Tuesday, I think. And the Infidel is previewing from tonight at the Theatre Royal Stratford East. It's a great big old musical. That's what it is.

That's what I watch. I think, God, people are actually singing and dancing. Which I like. So go and see that and buy the book. Sound up about it, Frank. Up. Go on. Pleased about it. Well, I would be pleased if that happened. I like the idea of having a mate who's the sort of new J.K. Rowling.

The new Malcolm Morpurgo. You and Frank Lampard has written a children's book. He has, yeah. There you go. Good old Frank. I was mentioning the rivals. Yeah. Sorry.

Andy scored against Chelsea recently, so I don't like him anymore. I think that's Richard Brinsley Sheridan, isn't he? Very good. Thanks. Write it if you got that joke. I got it. I did. See?

Everyone got it. Thank you so much, Dave. Thank you, Frank. And Emily and Alan. Yes, and all of you. And morning, Peter. Morning, Richie. You say the creaks thing. And morning, Peter. Morning, Ritchie. You're going to say the Creeks thing?

I'm going to do the end of Tubble... Sorry? Don't pre-empt the Creeks. I'm sorry, I love the Creeks thing. Oh, I don't do that anymore. What? Yes. Can I say it? I'll do it just for you.

I'll let David do it. Oh, go on, you do it. If the good Lord spares us and the Creeks don't rise, we'll see you next week. I love it. Bye-bye. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

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