The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Stylus

Episode Date: March 1, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank ponders if bird-calling lessons are available and thinks he is the victim of an age chemical that makes time go faster. The team discuss what reading material is on David Cameron's bookshelf, how putting stage directions in texts could be a very helpful thing and a particularly distressing spot on Emily's face.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I couldn't remember. I remember the song, couldn't remember me. Who am I? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15. Or you can follow the show on twitter at frank on the radio or you can email the absolute radio website

I think the first time you do these things should be clear after it's alright to be you know to bang them out but let's just establish who we are and how to get in touch with us 8 12 15 the morning started well we've got banana muffins. I showed you a card once sent to me

by a celebrity who shall remain nameless. But let's hope I never show anyone else that card. I'm absolutely astonished. That's a whole exciting television court case, won't it? It really is. So, yes, banana muffin. Absolutely lovely.

That's not a euphemism for who the card is from, by the way. No, no, it's not from someone in the adult film industry. No, no, if you're worried, if you've just entered the adult film industry and you're looking for a name, that is still available. Don't worry. Surely that depends on your pet and your mum's maiden name being Muffin, doesn't it? Well, I don't know. Just break the mode. That's what it's all about, doing something different.

You could be the James Joyce's Ulysses of the adult film industry. We're talking about the adult film industry. It's just barely gone eight o'clock for goodness sake. I never started it. No, I can't remember it. I suppose it's Victorian, was it? Yeah. When did the moving picture commence? Oh, thanks for looking at me when you asked that.

I thought you were in... When were you in that early stuff? I can see you tied to a railway track. Yeah, I did some work with D.W. Griffiths. Ah, yes. He was a bit dodgy. Yes, he was. Anyway, rabbits. Is that what we started with? D.W. Griffiths was a bit dodgy. That's not who sent me the card, FYI. I'm in my 30s. Exactly, that's not dragging with? D.W. Griffiths was a bit dodgy. That's not who sent me the card, FYI.

Absolute thirties. Exactly, that's not dragging me into this. No. Rabbits. Yeah. What about rabbits? Isn't that what you're supposed to do on the first day of the month that begins with R? Have I got it wrong?

Oh. First day of the month. M. Hang on, have I got... If it's got an R in it, you're supposed to say rabbits on the first day. Are you? I think so. I don't know these regional games. In London we just said, it's March, come on, let's go make some money.

It's a religion thing. I wrote my journal. Well, I didn't write my journal because obviously that would take a tremendous amount of foresight. But I wrote on the page, today's page, this morning, why rabbits, question mark. Which would be an interesting one when historians discover my journal and think I was some sort of quite reckless naturalist

who asked all the big questions. This is your version of daffodils. Why rabbits? But why rabbits, no. Wear four hairs. So is it just, I'm going to say that thing that comedians say when a joke doesn't work. Just me, then?

Yeah. I thought that was normal. I've never heard that. I thought it was a middle class thing. I thought it was the sort of thing that the children in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe would have done. Again, you looked at me and I'm happy with that. Yeah, OK. And I can exclusively...

I have to look at you occasionally. I know. I can exclusively reveal that that didn't happen in our class. OK. Check the hole. Thank you for your inqu that didn't happen in our class. OK. Check the hole. Thank you for your inquiries, though, at this time. But anyway, it's March. Oh, it is March. Which I find astonishing.

Oh, well, it's gone quick. Well, it's only a couple of months ago I was refusing to sing Auld Lang Syne on the scent of the independence vote. Yeah. And now, here we are. Yeah. You know, they say, someone told me there is a sort of an age chemical that makes the year go quicker, seem to go quicker.

Is that right? Well, my year used to be like, you know when you take a dog for a walk and it wants to wee on every lamppost, it keeps stopping. It's a real, oh, come on. It used to be like that. Now it's like falling down a lift shaft. Right. Somebody must have changed. And it's that drug you've taken, is it? Yeah, I a lift shaft. Right. Somebody must have changed.

And it's that drug you've taken, is it? Yeah, I'm taking the age chemical. Oh, by the way, you know my thing about the Frank Skinner effect? When you stand on the beach and look at the sea, it looks like you're moving and the sea's standing still. Oh, yeah. And I said no-one's really talked about this before. I could call it the Skinner effect.

Turns out that Euclid discussed it, I think, 400 years before Christ. Spoiler alert. I haven't read any Euclid. I hate to start the show on a donor. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Thanks for coming in on 8.12.15. This is an exciting moment here.

OK, we've got Emily with the text. Emily? I'm rendered speechless at how horrible this radio show became briefly. You haven't been rendered for ages. 598 said, white rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits is the is the term i believe that's what you say that's from mike and seven oaks thank you mike thanks mike you've i know that you've read that that's good that's good luck for the whole show there you go um 665 on an entirely different subject that's next door to katherine jenkins frank do you think ray Ray Winston has become too cockney

extraordinary question I know what they mean you've got to be careful when you discover what they want as it is in the entertainment industry not to give them too much of it

and I think they probably really want him to be it was like ancient Rome and one day I think you know what I'm thinking I'm getting a bit fed up of the Cockney thing no I think

it's like the Ozzy Osbourne thing you can be too Ozzy Osbourne I just can't help but doubt it when i see ray winston doing all that giza thing yeah i'm a giza i'm a real eastern guy and i think you're a child actor you've mixed with people with pins nez all your life you've never really pins nez don't you think oh lovely that's they're the people that he surrounded himself with not like proper he's destroyed his adenoids isn isn't it? He's had his nose blocked. When you say they're the people, you are referring to me.

Hey, come on. Leave it. It ain't worth it. Anyway, I saw him... No, you need to say he's not worth it, the cockerel. I saw him at the Royal Court playing a part of a sort of strange man who lived in a cold climate, and he wasn't... I don't remember him being very cockney then.

He was absolutely excellent. So there's more to write winston you've just got to be careful don't overdo it on the old uh coats with the velvet collar because then you'll never be able to wear anything else you know i said this to shawadi or did i laughed in my face um anyway so i'll tell you what i am enjoying though what. What? Oh, Fleming. Oh. You know I have had a bad cold. Got a bit of catarrh. No.

On Sky. Is that your new hobby? On Sky, there's a programme about Ian Fleming. Oh, yeah. As you know, he's a friend of the family. Is it a biopic? We like those. It's a bio-series.

Yeah, I'm waiting to see who plays my mum. We like those. It's a bio-series. Yeah, I'm waiting to see who plays my mum. Some of you will know my mum was his cleaner on Golden Eye in Jamaica. Hey, what she was then. You know what you've stumbled on? I recently learned Alan Cochran facts. What's that?

I think it was a week ago I read and had a sort of a eureka moment that he wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Never knew that. Correct, correct. Could not believe that. You know, chitty bang bang never knew that correct correct could not believe that yeah you know that's one of those things that i knew and forgot i oh you see i've got to be honest have i done that thing no well to me that's a little bit big mo is gary oldman sister well i think to me it was not finding out that enid blighton wrote the born identity to me it was amazing no no but it was like that people pulling their cars over did you know that no that was uh

just something i made up that was an equivalent anyway the odd thing about you know i was talking about the musketeers the other way oh yeah and i didn't like it because there was too many romps you don't like a romp phone i I don't want any... Changed. I don't want any bedroom things. Voice of prudishness. It's not prudishness. It's just, you know, it's boring. He doesn't say that...

It is. You know what I mean? He just doesn't like to watch it. No, I just don't. It never adds anything to me. But there's a lot of it in Fleming. But I sort of thought, you know, he wrote the James Bond books. Fair enough. It's research.

Yeah. I don't mind it so much. But I am really waiting until he gets out of the Secret Service and starts becoming an author when that... Basically, I'm thinking, that's enough espionage. Let's do some typing. Yeah, there's going to be a lot of typing. Typing, that's what I want to watch on this show.

But you see, what worries me a bit about this, Frank, you know, my fear of biopics is the sort of knowing autobiographical moment. You've talked about this, you know, like in the Beatles film, when they say, so is there someone, I don't know, I would worry about the name, you know, someone booking, even being in a restaurant or something, someone booking a table, my name, Goldfinger. Oh, that would worry me.

Well, there is a bit. There is a bit. He writes a report for his superior officer in Naval Intelligence. And he says, well, this is a real page-turner, Fleming. I think you're in the wrong job. And you do think, hmm. But maybe somebody said that to him. You know, John Lennon's auntie did, so he claims,

say to him, get rid of the guitar, it'll never get you anywhere. Yeah, but if someone answers the phone and says, hello, Kensington 007, I'll kill myself. Well, that's a bit off the top of your head. You're not even watching it. That means I have to watch it. I have to phone you and tell you that this has happened in the knowledge that it'll lead to your demise.

I just feel that I've got a lot laid on me. Do you know what I mean? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a few texts and you know you announced the number as 8-12-15. As it were.

In your J.R. Hartley way, yeah. We would have more. People can't, they're not that quick with a pencil and paper. One of my favourites I love the idea that people still use pencil and paper. I used to say that at telly. We're going to just go and get a pencil and paper before we give you the number. Ah, lovely. Re-Fleming. I think all texters should begin as

with a re now because we have such strands. It'll be quite fun, won't it? We'll have stuff like re-a-houseman. Re- Oh uh just glass a houseman oh yeah i did sorry i sprung that on you didn't i new listeners feel free to be confused. That was the A.E. Houseman alarm. It only goes off the first time you mention it on the show.

Reeve Fleming. Last week, someone said, Licence to kill. So that's... Yes, they do. That is true. But I'm thinking they might have got... You're right. That would have been a media switch-off for me.

Now he says, And Frank, I think you'll be disappointed... And Frank, she wasn't in it. She might have been, you just off for me now he says uh and frank i think you'll be disappointed and frank she might have been you just didn't see her um oh i could hear footsteps yeah in fact everyone off stage in anything is and frank okay and frank i think you'll be disappointed as it's the last episode next week not much time to get the writing in oh there isn't much time but it's it's suited me because i'm down to my last bottle of non-alcoholic wine are you and i do find i like a glass of wine with my fleming it makes me feel like i'm uh in the secret service in the 1940s are you still working your way through that wine despite finding

out there was well it's a shame to waste it that's the way i see like worst oh going back to the old 80s way of thinking i see as um as pete dockers he once said to me when he was trying to get clean seems a shame to waste this though and then you know we know where we were frank kareem has tweeted us oh yeah um i get to listen live this morning on my FedEx route. Oh, it might be something for me. Long-time listener, first time whatever you call it. How do I get my number? Oh.

Or we should explain, shouldn't we? Yeah, it's not a deli counter, Kareem. Cashier number four, please. Did you not see that ticket on the... Cashier number seven, please. Oh, that's good, isn't it? You know, I met the man who does that voiceover. You didn't.

Yeah. He was on Room 101, actually, I think. Oh, was he? Yeah, that's where I met him. Alan Dedicote, that one. Is that his name? It's one of them, isn't it? Yeah.

Anyone that gets paid for doing things like that, you know the name of. It's great that... yeah, exactly. We should say what Kareem is referring to is the prisoner number at the end of an emissive. Yes. What it is, is that we read out the last three numbers of their phone number. Garrett started it back in the Garrett's day. Sorry to bring this up, Corko.

It's fine. It's like talking about an ex. I think he just couldn't bother with the names. It's really fine. Yeah. But Kareem, I don't have your number because you tweeted, so call me. Here we go.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. 4476. Hi, Frank and team. I've got a total mind blank on the name of the England manager. I've refused to Google thus far. Don't say it, don't say it.

I know it's Roy, but I can only think of Roy Walker. It's driving me crazy. Am I allowed to ask other people for help under your rules? That's Emma476. What do you advise? Well, it's all about Emma. It's about, it's in your brain. What you've got to do is keep opening drawers.

Try, you could try going away from it coming back. Yeah. But, I mean, he's so well known that you're liable to see it in a newspaper, so it would be frustrating. I believe, Emma, that you will come up with it before the end of this show, and when you do, please text us and let us know and we can celebrate. Okay. The problem is with the looking in drawers analogy

that you've made is that, like, when you've lost something, like car keys... It's a bit filthy. ..that you keep going back to the same place even though you know it's not there. So your mind will keep going back to Roy Walker even though you know Roy Walker is not the answer. Well, I'm going to...

Shall I get rid of the Roy Walker thing by telling a Roy Walker story? If you want. Roy Slow Talker Walker. if you want rye rye slow talker do you want to check it for her that's absolutely fine okay it's fine he um he told me that he was at the bbc um with eric morcombe they were in that they were waiting for the lift to arrive and this was at the time it was in the 70ss, and it was when Michael Parkinson was a bit of a man-about-town super cool dude. Oh, turning up in an E-type. Yeah, turning up in an E-type, exactly.

And the E-type, that's a phrase that's changed its meaning, isn't it? Anyway, they were waiting for the lift. The doors opened, and there was Michael Parkinson in a full-length black leather coat. Full-length black leather coat and a black leather cap, matching black leather cap. Was he on his way to fire? And Eric Morecambe said, hello, Parky, have you come as a wallet? We still miss him. a wallet. Oh,

we still miss him. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. A lot of discussions we're having this morning about what people get paid,

which I'm enjoying. Frank, do you remember we had some... Off air. Off air, obviously. Do you remember someone texted in, not long ago, so I feel confident you will remember.

OK, don't get too confident. Saying they didn't understand what the number was. I'm not mentioning this person's name for a reason. OK. Because they have texted in their three-number moniker. I can remember their name. Moniker? What was it?

Kareem. OK. Because it reminded me? Kareem. OK. Because it reminded me of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who fought Bruce Lee in the film. Well, we've just had a... It reminded me of Crunchy Kareem. We've had a text in. The Donald Magnet.

Mm-hm. Carry on. Saying, OK, it's 316. It's pronounced Kareem, not Kareem. I don't think... Hold it, hold it. do it it's written this isn't it yeah you're giving it quite a bit of oh it's pronounced curry i mean it might just say oh you know it's pronounced that kareem might be all friendly unless kareem not in a real sort of you know i'm texting you anyway otherwise i wouldn't mention it but hey it, it's Kareem, just come in. Don't worry about it. No. Because I want my number to be used now.

Okay. But with you... Unless unbeknownst to us. Look! If you're gonna read my name! I mean, you know, it's open to interpretation. Listen, one thing I'm renowned for is interpretation of tone. I want to know if he's texted you and put in brackets, read with heavy signing voice

close brackets and you just haven't told me in practice. Is that the most female thing I've ever done? Well, it's up there. Well, women do do that. I'm sorry, I'm allowed to make that generalisation, like a terrible old club. But you see my... The thing about women, what they do is...

Women do this, men do that. Yeah. That's why text relationships are so difficult, isn't it? Yes. Listen, when I get texts, I always assume the worst tone. Do you really? So if someone's saying, OK, call you later, I assume, okay, call you later. Is this actually the worst tone for the best or not?

Yeah. Oh, God, it's... I am going to start pulling stage directions. Yeah. And if there's no... Sotto bocce. You sent me a lovely text the other day, but I couldn't find the kiss. And what you've done is you've done a kiss in the middle, but then you've done a PS.

Yes. And so I assumed there was no kiss no what a lovely text I thought why did he choose not to put a kiss on that what if I put in bracket sorry about no kiss got a cold so that's what I'm gonna start doing I'm gonna start giving stage directions I'm gonna put warmly affectionate but with edge before I start mine. On everything? Not on everything. I'm not always warmly affectionate. Just keep the edge. Just FYI, all the men out there, I am.

What about when you put CC instead of kiss kiss? Oh, that's awful. Well, I've often... In fact, I texted Daisy the other day and then texted back to confess that it wasn't supposed to end C, it was supposed to end with a kiss. Oh, awful. And I've met the most terrible fool of myself. Yeah. Why doesn't that...

Why don't they give X a bit of space there on there? You know, they know it's a significant... the most significant of the texting letters because it involves the kissing or not kissing. Just, you know, give us a bit of thumb room, for goodness sake. I'm saying thumb room. I actually use my index finger, but I'm just trying to sound used. We could get you one of those phones with the big buttons if you want.

Will that help? No, the ones Roger Moore has. No, I'm going to start using one. You know those sorts of pencil things that people often use? I'm going to get one of those. What do they call those? I think pencil things. No, they've got a special name.

Equipment for idiots? 8-12-15. What do they call those things that think pencil things. No, they've got a special name. Equipment for idiots? 8-12-15. What do they call those things that you use to press the keyboard with if you can't press it? Start your text with, read those pencil things. Yes. With edge. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

We've had, well, I can't even begin to count the amount of texts and emails and misses we've had in telling us the name of what you call that stick thing. The pencil. Oh, no, but hold on a minute. This is a dilemma that I was speaking to the lady that couldn't remember the England manager's name. If you tell me now, I've sort of Googled it. Don't I have to remember it? You have to remember it. have to sure it isn't called

that stick no is it like so you're opening the drawers in your head now yeah i am which is difficult when you're trying to walk we should say yeah frank has referred to it as that pencil thing and that stick thing yeah but can i just say we've had a massive volume of texts about it but many of them have uh have put in their own stage directions as well, which is great. Left eyebrow raised and woody undertones is one of them. Stage direction palm face from Helen, which I think is that. 118 says with a knowing smile. What about 587, enthusiastic yet anxious? Oh dear, story of my personal life. Somebody's

given us the plural which derives from Latin. Stylist! Oh there you go. Come on! Yeah! You've got a bit Stuart Pearson here. No, I'll tell you what it's gone. It's gone a bit Ice Romano. Yeah. That's what it's gone. And style-i. It's the plural.

Is it? Yeah, what? I think he's going to struggle to style us this out. Talk about, you've embarrassed yourself. This is marvellous. I could have danced all night. This is genuine joy. That moment when you remember. I could have danced all night. This is genuine joy.

That moment when you remember. Now, the lady who texted in about the England manager, she's moving towards that moment. Yeah, just think, you could be doing this to yourself. Can you give me a break? I'm just going to leave you all alone for a second while I bask. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the Absolute Radio website direct. And indeed they have been texting us. We've got various strands running from the previous hour of... I haven't. ...of broadcasting. You are a jellyfish. Do you know alan's a jellyfish that's why you said that i think one of the more pressing ones um is uh 476 also known as emma oh emma she's remembered

thanks for the advice frank it worked it's roy hodgson what i like is that she told me as if i didn't know exactly and then goes on to say, Ah, I feel so much better now. Brackets, stage direction, read out with a relieved sigh. Ah, I feel so much better now. That's how I should have read it. And do you remember, how could you forget, Karim? Yes.

Or is it Kareem? Oh, no. No, it's Kareem. Or is it Kareem? You're winding him up now. Are you deliberately winding him up? I genuinely can't remember. I'm going to call him K. I'm calling him K. Sunita, he's going on a two-man mission to Mars with someone else. Never mind. That's the strangest thing you've ever said.

Is there a joke? I was working towards a relieved sigh About Simon Cowell But it collapsed Terrible start to the hour I still don't get it I don't know what you're doing Because Simon Cowell would be relieved If Sunita went on a two man mission to Mars

With Talisa You know what I liked about that Why are you still doing this? It's complicated, isn't it? Because what I'm doing is, you know when you see those World War II films when there's people

picking about in the rubble looking to see if there's any of their belongings left that they can salvage? That's what I'm doing. Get off. You're returning to the scene of the joke that didn't work.

It reminds me of, who was that man who used to do the autopsies with the hat? It's what he does, poking about when he's got no business. Oh, Von Hagens. Yes, you were a fan, I seem to recall. Yes, yes, he was. I went to one of his dead body exhibitions. Yeah, well, that's what you just did with that joke.

You're right, OK. OK, so Karim Karim... I've been grounded into the dirt ground. Carry on. Karim, Kim... I've been grounded into the dirt ground. Carry on. Karim. K, I'm calling him K. K just said, I feel like I'm famous now. Frank's take on events was correct.

No malice intended. See? All right. No malice intended, surely. Yeah. Okay. See, I knew. Yeah.

But you have to, you have to, you have to put your poison in these people. Oh, yeah, you have to put your poison in these people. Oh, yeah, I always put my poison in these people. Just one more text to keep the going. Oi, you didn't read my number out. Stage direction, exasperated disappointment. That's from Helen. 766. But you could have put it in the text, Helen,

if you wanted me to say 766. My word, that's not the rules. Well, that's what many people do. Do they? Yeah. Well, 688, who I love, says, I'm the same, Em. I always expect the worst tone from texts.

The fewer the exclamation marks, the moodier the sender. Surprise, surprise, I'm a 16-year-old girl loving the show. This is all very well. But what you're encouraging indirectly, I warn you now where this will go. All right, Nostradamus. People will start thinking, oh, I don't want anyone

to think I'm being a bit off here. I know. I'll put a smiley face on the end. Is that what you want? Is that what you want, people doing that? No. No, get out. It's not the end of the show. Can I just say, when you're communicating with... When I'm communicating, yes.

Let's call them the younger generation, 25-year-old men. They tend to use, when they communicate with me, they tend to use emoticons a lot. Yeah, but I don't like emoticons. Yeah, but I like the men. I like the ambiguity of the text. That's what I like the men. I like the ambiguity of the text. That's what I like. Okay. You all right with that?

Yeah, we can live with it. Okay. Um, shall I... Frank, well, you can, but that's not... What? Faya Shakir wants to know, I'm really curious about what Carl the Cockerel bought. FYI, I drive a 20-year-old BMW 3 Series

worth about £300 on a good day. Wow. I drive a BMW 3 Series. It's not worth... I've forgotten what it was, but no, he said 3. I know a few times I've said to professional drivers, when they say, well, you drive, I say, BMW Series 3.

You do, don't you? They look at me like... Like it's Game of Thrones or something. Yeah, like it's a contract with a three series option that I bought from the car. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Oh, something that we haven't talked about. David Cameron's knick-knacks. Did you see... He's underwear. You know what, they're a good band. No, there was that protocol. You know they sometimes do that with Downing Street, with the private quarters.

So David Cameron had Angela Merkel in this week, didn't he? Oh, yeah, he did. And there was a picture of her on his sofa. Very expensive sofa, that one. It's a lovely one. It's a nice, mustardy one. I couldn't see it. It was obscured by Angela Merkel.

And it showed all his books. Now, that's my favourite thing. I love seeing the fixtures and fittings. Well, I love looking at people's bookcases. If I go to someone's house, I will get up and go and have a proper look. And you can tap. And what a see. They start apologising.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that one wasn't, that was a gift and all that. Choose the Andy McNabb, they apologise. Yeah, absolutely. That's on it. Hardback Andy McNabb. Have you got an Andy McNabb?

You laughed a bit guiltily. He has. I've probably got Bravo 2-0 somewhere in there. Have you? Yeah, probably. In the same way I've probably got Bridget Jones. Although that was a very good book, I thought. Really good.

He's got the Ginger Pig Meat book. Mm-hmm. Okay. Mick Hucknall. The River Cottage Every Day. Yeah. George Michael. Do we have to do a name?

Do we have to do a celebrity for every one of these books? Let's set ourselves an impossible task. The thing is, I don't believe this. All these cooks... I know, I think he confessed. No, all these cooks... He actually wrote a song about it. No, I think if you've got Angela Merkel coming round,

then you're going to take Alan Bullock's Hitler, A Study in Tyranny. That's going to come out of the book. Can you put that in the kitchen, Sam? You're not going to have Mein Kampf in there. No, you're not going to have anything that might upset her at all. The abs diet?

No, she wouldn't like that. Oh, that was there. That's just rubbing her nose in it. That was there. That was there. He had the abs diet. The abs diet was in the background he was hoping she'd say oh can i borrow it oh imagine that but that's who frank most wants to

look like abs oh that's true that's that's true yeah that's not the book and i don't think it no no that's his autobiography title that would be what's their diet but we've run out of royalties the record company dropped us diet oh poor abs excuse me don't say poor abs they saw me and they judged me you remember that i told you they said actually not if i was the great thing if you were abs if your smartphone broke down still have something to read you could read your arms yeah if you're waiting for something yeah anyway i thought it was a brave, it's always a brave move, though.

I do feel sorry for Cameron with that because people will be analysing. People like yourself, Frank. I think they should make, they should enjoy that, that people are analysing it. He should have just had in the background of the sort of photograph

just like overcoming anxiety, a guide to public speaking, feel the fear and do it anyway, the Crusades, soon seize the art of war. You should have just gone... If he'd have had the Crusades, that would have caused a stir. Wouldn't it? I'll tell you what he has got.

What? A classic for people who aren't interested enough in books to fill a small bookcase. He had some DVD box sets. Oh, yeah. Filling up the space. Oh, come on. Haven't got enough books. This is the Prime Minister. Yeah. He can't think

of enough books he wants to read to fill up. You think? And also, what is this thing when he says the tweet that he sent, and I've invited... He's not a man of letters, David Cameron. No, but he says, I've invited him round to my Downing Street flat.

Yeah. Is that not the family home, the Downing Street? No, they live in number 11, which has a bigger apartment than number 10. No, number 11, isn't that George Osborne's house? No, because it's bigger, they live in the apartment in number 11, but the apartment is above the house I'm led to believe. He hasn't got a pretend bachelor flat like he's pretending he's still single, like Marie Antoinette pretending she was a dairy maid in the grounds of Versailles.

No, I don't believe so. No, she's still got it, Sam Cam. I don't think it's very like that. No need with a wife like that. I found the whole thing, I don't know. I don't like two people sitting on a sofa talking like that because they're obviously natural. Did you ever see Unplanned?

No, but Unplanned, no. We didn't talk to each other that much. We spoke out. And that's their inclination, is to look out. But I felt they had to look at each other to show that we were at war. I didn't like her shoes either. They were all twisted round.

I know it's trivial and she does some fine work, but I don't like the shoes. Um, yes. If you're in a car, it's all right, because you've got somewhere to look forward. On a sofa, no. You think they should have gone for a drive together? That would have been...

Yeah, that would have been great. Bit of privacy. Him and her in his Series 3. She'd have liked that, German. Especially if you'd have had David and Angela on the Sunstrip. Or, better still, Britain and Germany on the Sunstrip. Excellent. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about David Cameron's bookshelf and the contents thereof. Oh, yes. I think that... Have you seen that phenomenon on the internet called the shelfie? When people do a selfie of them standing in front of their own bookcase. No.

Yes. Yeah, see, I think that in those instances, they must have moved a few about and thought, I'll take that one out. Yeah. You're going to do an 80, aren't you? Oh, I do a Watergate sweep before I've got people coming over. Watergate sweep. have moved a few about and thought i'll take that one out yeah you're gonna do oh definitely oh i do a watergate sweep before i've got people coming over watergate sweep yeah that's what i do one of the less successful poppets yes the very political version very heavily heavily political

and also suddenly like really bad edits in the middle of this talk something missing yeah i think people do i think people take out their embarrassing books. I do. Especially if I have a man because I've got to get rid of all the self-help. It's so off-putting, isn't it? You can't have men who hate women and the women who love them.

Yes. Is that a real book? With the scented candles. But you see, there is a time... You know? There is a time when men would deliberately have men are from Mars, women are from Venus to make it look like they were at least trying.

Yeah. That would work. If someone had that, women are from Venus, to make it look like they were at least trying. Yeah. That would work. If someone had that, I'd really... I'd probably go first date, if you know what I mean. I saw that on the shelves. It would speed things up. Let's say me and you had just met in a... I don't know, let's say a...

In a chat room. Let's say a brasserie. A wine bar. Yeah. A bistro. You're on the non-alcoholic. And I took you back to my apartment. Oh.

And I had Fifty Shades of Grey in it. What would your, would you think I need to get out of here fast? I think you might be gay. Would you? I think it's quite a camp thing to have in your shelf. She didn't hear me. I said Fifty Shades of Grey. If I had Fifty Shades of grey in my bookshelf,

I think that would be fair enough. I just think it's quite camp, girly thing to have. Okay. I don't know, either that or, yeah, it wouldn't bother me. I haven't got it,

can I point that out? No. It wouldn't distress me. I feel it was quite mass market and quite vanilla, to be honest. I think if you came round, the only book I'd be really ashamed of

would be what? In my bookcase, would be... Down and Out in Parisis and london no no i'm happy with that it'd be the biography of simon d because it's your book and heather returned it to you that would be awful that would be the only problem i'd have i'm glad you've mentioned the self-improvement reading though because I currently I think may be doing the most boring. Sort of something. If I come up with a book telling you how to do really good photos

of yourself could I call it selfie improvement? Yes. Yeah. I'm writing it down. Get that down. Let's do that for Christmas. It's been a heady morning for me what with the stylist thing. Were you doing, I was going to say on the cover of that, can you do your traditional punching gesture?

Okay, I'll do that. Absolutely I won't. Can I say that after I got the stylist answer, I built on the desk a pyramid of wine glasses and poured a bottle of non-alcoholic wine on the top so they all filled up. It was really wonderful. It was really glamorous. Yeah. See, three weeks ago, I've had to have done that glasses and and pour the bottle of non-alcoholic wine on the top so they all filled up it was really glamorous yeah see three weeks ago i've had to have done that with bovril

so thank god for non-alcoholic wine i uh i think i may be indulging in some of the most boring self-improvement reading ever uh right now i'm in the middle of a book called Lasker's Manual of Chess. I'm reading. Is that, I mean, both of you look like, oh, God, that is boring. That was guilt, that film, because as you know, two years ago, I think my New Year's resolution was to learn chess. Was it? It hasn't happened.

Well, I'll tell you what, I'll race through Lasker's Manual and then I'll lend it to you. It begins in, I think it's his fifth language, and it begins something like, I wrote this book, yay, I wrote it with joy, and then something else, and you think, Very good use of yay. Yeah, exactly, it's great.

So, yeah. What about Inside the Minds of Angry Men? I love that book. You got that? Yeah, I've got that. Do you think when... I wrote that. When Inside the Minds of Angry Men, was it more topical than a knife blow? when inside the minds of angry men

was it more topical than a knife blow yes I know I understand that I'm just thinking if when the cockerel offered to loan me Lasker's manual of chess with that little twinkle in his eye

could it have possibly been a knight's move and also what is Lasker's porn name when you're a chef with that little twinkle in his eye, could it have possibly been a knight's move? Whoa! And also, what is Lasker's porn name? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. A mere moment ago before that, you did a couple of chess-based puns. I did. And I predicted straight after, oh, we'll now have, we'll be inundated with chess-based puns. I did. And I predicted straight after, oh, we'll now have, we'll be inundated with chess-based puns.

131, who's one of our regular keenest punners, has immediately texted, did you check it out of the library, Alan? Meaning, Lasker's Manual of Chess. Did you check it out? Good work, good work. Good work, mate. Yes.

546, I once took my full set of Doctor Who target books Good work, good work. Good work, mate. Yes. Five, four, six. I once took my full set of Doctor Who target books off of my bookshelf when an ex-girlfriend was coming round for the first time. I feel dirty for having done it. You do. And so you should. I'm trying to work out if that would put me off. If I saw... Well, it would put some people off.

You're always very anti-Who. You'd think it would put me off. If I saw... Well, it would put some people off. I don't think it would. You're always very anti-who. You'd think it would put you off. Well, no, but I think at least it would hint at a passion of some sort. Yes. Which I would prefer to know books. Yeah.

Yeah. What about Fifty Shades of Gallifrey? The 514 has texted, Morning, folks. For four years, I've had a tagine sitting in my kitchen. I've yet to use it. Can you enlighten me to the wonders of this implement?

Is it like a stew pot thing? Stew pot, yeah. Remember stew pot? Yeah, stew pot. He went to my drama school. Yeah. Hi, Mark, if you're listening. Hi, stew pot.

I haven't heard of Stewpot for years. He's obviously one of the lucky ones. He kept his nose clean. Good man. I believe it's like a clay oven, isn't it? Exactly. With sort of a hood. You get it in Moroccan restaurants.

Yeah. My brother-in-law made me one. He made you a tagine? He made me a tagine, yeah. He really loves me. Well, there's people in my life i really love but you know i wouldn't know where to start if i if i wanted to make them a tagine and i know you can't tell me where it's a kiln i believe because i am the man i love that song let's not forget i'm the man who sorry i'm gonna i'm just gonna. Sorry. Are you doing a terrible joke again?

No. Go on. I was going to talk. He's only five years old. No. Get it out of your system. Go on. No, I was just going to...

Come on. ...hark back to when I did a voiceover for an advert at the beginning of my career. And it was Don't Know Where To Start, Exchange of Malt. Was it? Okay, no. No, no, no, that's not good enough.

I want to know the exact tone of voice. You know tone is everything to me. How did you say it? I don't know, Tony. Is it everything to you? You'll be the man. Okay, no. No, no, no, that's not good enough. I want to know the exact tone of voice. You know tone is everything to me. How did you say it? I don't know, Tony. Is it everything to you? You'll be the man. Okay, Frank, let's go. Okay, Frank.

Don't know where to start. Exchange in Mart. That's great, Frank. It sounded a bit toppy. Can we do one more? Yeah, sorry, I've got to... Can we just have a drink of water? Kelvin, can you hear me?

Yeah, can I just have another drink of... Thanks. Kelvin! Hold on. Don't know where to start. Exchange and Mart. That's great, Frank. I love the laughter in your voice there.

Is that all right? Yeah, let's go with that one. I thought I'd give it a try and see how that worked. Sounded very blokey. Do you want to do another one for safety? Let's do one more for safety. Okay. Don't know where to start?

Stay back! Okay, you sound a bit unwell there, Frank. No, I just thought, I just want to give you the option. No, let's not do unhinged. Okay. Okay. Can I, actually, can I have just a break just for... Sure.

Okay. Do you know where to start? Do you know what? Just, I'm just trying a few. Just trying a few in the... Sorry, you're getting that. I'm just trying to... Don't!

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. We've had some texts, Frank. 418, we've been talking a lot about trying to remember things

and obviously not Googling. Lisa says, Morning, Frank and Co. Useful tip. Whenever I can't remember a name, I go through the alphabet in my head, confirming names for each letter. It works every time. Lisa, I do exactly the same thing and it works every time.

If there's a man I dated and I'm trying to remember, I just go through. Well, I've tried that method., and it works every time. If there's a man I dated and I'm trying to remember, I just go through. Well, I've tried that method. It doesn't work for me. Does it not? Because don't you find you're saying, oh, it's Susan something. Susan, it begins with J.

Susan, not J, Paul the Rhapsod. That's how it always works for me. That's not how my mind works in a slightly more efficient way. It's useful, isn't it? Frank? Yes? You two are okay.

268 says, Great show as usual. Oh, sorry, some phrase slipped out. I'm sorry. I do get the feeling that i'm listening to the voices of creature comforts at times just an observation well that if that's it they should have put that on radio i think i've been money they decided on plasticine yeah hang on does that make does that mean that i'm the voice of an animal like you do sound very

creature comforts alan don't you think hey you know we were talking earlier about um books and reading also on the camera and bookshelves were some children's books which i thought was interesting because i i read to uh you know it was a giveaway that that was a felony they were on the top shelf they wouldn't have been able to erect them oh that's a good point yeah unless they were the special ones that only the adults could read to the children in case the kids wreck them that's another option oh the pop-ups yeah maybe yeah but I read to my son and daughter, and I use them as

an opportunity to play outside of my casting bracket. It's quite good fun. Oh, dear. Oh, that's good, Al. I'd love to hear your Cinderella. Yeah, that sort of thing. And sometimes, you know, if I'm doing the roll-up, we've just finished the BFG, sometimes I'll be quite a... The Queen's voice is in there

quite a lot. Oh, I bet you're good at that. I can't even remember what I did for her, but I do... Oh, you sure you can. You still want to do it on paid, on air. I tell you, that's the critical detail. I mean, I don't get the kids to pay me to read their stories at home, either. Not really. However frugal you think I am. I find you do tend to get reviews, though.

Yeah, I was sitting in a book... Absolutely. I sat in a bookshop the other day with my son, Boz, and I was reading him. He'd get a book off the shelf and I'd start reading it. And two pages in, he'd go, no. And he'd just take it off me and put it back on the shelf. I thought, what a vicious book critic he would make.

Like he's in Five. No. Actually, no. Actually, no. What was that? That was what Five said to me when they saw me. Oh, yes. I can't believe it. They looked at me, gave me the once-over.

Actually, no. They gave you a onesie? Are you saying they'd put you back on the shelf? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. shelf frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio i was talking about uh reading books with you know my son is called uh bars oh yeah um i listen i get up uh i've had the monitor this week so i've been getting up with him at five o'clock in the morning, and the dawn chorus is in full flow. So I do... I've been going...

..doing some impressions of the birds, and he joins in, but he can't whistle, because he's only about 22 months. So he goes... Oh! It's not very accurate, but I like's joining him um but i was for effort i think my bird impressions have got they're getting better oh yeah you know when i said if i gargle for a week i got yeah it doesn't make me think i can do anything

and my i wondered if and if there's any of our listeners in our, can you do a course, do you think, on bird call? So that you could reproduce bird call. Do you think you could have lessons? I think it's a fairly oddie request. Oh! As long as it's cheap, I don't mind. Hey! Very good.

And my speciality what's that wood picker oh can i just say that's a marvelous speciality thank you very much it's one of the easier ones funnily enough yeah but i've got contacts in the rspb i said i've got contacts i was a member when i was 12 so i'll see what i can do i'm genuine i would like to get good at it. You know what they do do? Because we've got one of is they do a sort of a stuffed bird like a little teddy and when you squeeze it, it gives the right bird call for

that bird. So you could just buy the full range and echo it. You make me sick. Echo it. Skinner, Dean and Cochran together in the Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran together The Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran text the show at 8 12 15 or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio email us through the Absolute Radio website. It truly is. Rhi, your impersonations of birds.

We've had a couple of texts on 8.12.15. Paul has texted, Frank, you need the Birds of Britain app, photos and calls. It's great. Oh, yeah, but does it actually give you... The Birds of Britain, I'm in that. That's the calendar, isn't it? I'm definitely in that.

That would have been a calendar, wouldn't it? If there'd been a garage in the like of that. If I'd have been in the Birds of Britain, I'd be so happy. But that's a start. It's certainly a start. But I need someone who's saying, just get your tongue a bit further back. You sound more like a corn crake than a hoopoe.

A somewhat pedantic text from 580. 580 has texted, Frank, you would need to knock on the table 20 times a second for it to be a realistic impression of a woodpecker. Yes, but that was a replay. It wasn't live. It was a slow-mo replay. Like Bruce Lee in a film.

Yeah. That was the whole thing of it. Also, I can see myself not only entertaining my son, but maybe I could become a sort of Dr Doolittle figure and actually communicate. I'm not saying... What would you say? I'm not going to go so far as to mate,

but I'm on about just to actually speak to the... But I don't want Ranulph Fiennes coming around my house and smashing the place up. Oh, I do. I love this conversation, but there's not enough of me in it. Are you aware of the fact that Ranulph Fiennes smashed up the Doctor

Doolittle film set? Is that correct? He's in the SAS or something, was he, Ranulph Fiennes? Oh, I love that he was in the SAS. He smashed up the film set. Any that correct? He's in the SAS or something, or he ran off fine. Oh, I love that he was in the SAS. Yeah, he smashed up the film set. Any SAS guys out there? Why would he do that? What kind of wanton disruption was that? He said he's crazy. He was a crazed

madman. You know that second take of Frank doing the exchange in Mart? Yeah. He was like that. I think his mental state was along those lines. Here's a question for you. The horse whisperer, is that a pun? Yeah. He was like that. I think his mental state was along those lines. Here's a question for you. The horse whisperer, is that a pun? Yeah. On what? The horse whisperer.

There you go. No, it's not. It must be, hasn't it? Is it? I don't know. No, it's not. I thought it was fun. I like the way Frank says it must be.

The pun must always be intentional because everybody thinks like you. No, but the titles of things you'd agree are often a pun. Sometimes, but I think, no, that man who wrote that, no, we'll talk about that, he was a bit serious and newsnighty. It's a bit of a coincidence. He knows David Baddiel, I think, the man who wrote that. Really? Yeah.

Can he communicate with him by sniffing his neck? Disgusting. Frank, I don't want this show to end without discussing Daddy Cow. Oh, OK. Daddy Cow, Daddy Cow. Ooh, Daddy Cow. disgusting frank i don't want this show to end without discussing daddy cow oh okay daddy cow daddy cow oh daddy cow what about daddy cow this week we are talking about simone cow who's a friend of the show and yes i've decided no oh is he not can't he be an acquaintance could be an acquaintance of the show one night stand of the show his ways are not my ways his thoughts not my thoughts.

Well, what about his outfits? Are they your outfits? Will you be wearing this? There is something that did take me back to it. Something I have to confess. Well, shall we discuss what he wore first? We'll set the scene. So, Daddy Cal was taking Baby Eric.

I always call him Baby Eric. Baby Eric. I'm growing fond of that child. Good hairline. For a stroll in the LA. It was dusk'm very fond of that child. Good hairline. For a stroll in the LA, it was dusk because they all had shades on. Daddy Cal, he was... Which is weird. Yeah.

He was wearing the high-waisted jean, which is, we know he favours. Then he has the long boot cut to cover the lifts on the shoes. Three inches I've told. Allegedly. Isn't it? Oh, is it allegedly? He might be litigious about the boots.

Is he going to sue us, is he? He's got enough money. He could just start having novelty lawsuits to just while away his time, couldn't he? And with the baby mother, Lauren, and the ex-fiancé, and baby Eric, and two male friends. They look nice.

I think they were the security, weren't they? Oh, were they security? Well, one of them might have been the... Apparently he's hired a butler who just changed his nappies. That's his total job. No. What about he's bought black leather snow boots for the dogs? Anyway, we'll get on to that.

Can I just say that that's the first job I've heard about in the media that I think, I could do that. I could actually change nappies. I've got a saleable skill, finally. I've been a long time that. I could actually change nappies. I've got a saleable skill, finally. I've been a long time coming. I'm brilliant at changing nappies, but if he asked me, I'd say no. Can we discuss? You should be doing that.

Can you excuse me? What about what he had on his top, Frank? What did he have? He had the jeans, he had the belt, and then what was on the top? Before we get to that, I just want to make, in a way that I think the world has changed. Okay. One of the Eastern monarchs in ancient times,

he had a servant who had one job, and his job was to occasionally... You had one job. ...occasionally stop the monarch and say to him, Sir, one day you will die. That was his job. That's kind of like the business. That's my job here.

That's the second job I've heard about that I could do. The trouble is, he'd say, What do you mean, die? What do you mean, die? I will die. What does that mean? You will die. Don't understand.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about Daddy Cowell. He had the jeans, Frank, the high-waisted jeans. Now, what did he have on the top? Well, he had a white open neck shirt. No, he had nothing.

He had a bare sunburnt chest with the jeans. We're on about two different pictures, I think. After there was a picture of him in a white open shirt, not tucked in. Well, that's acceptable. It was a totally sunburnt chest in the evening with jeans and a belt. He looked like the Hulk. Incredible Hulk.

Yes, except he hadn't got those raggedy bottom bits on. Yes. No, I did see that, yes. I found that more... I tell you what you what the white shirt if i may just go back to that reminded me in in the days when suntans were seasonal rather than you got them from a shop yeah when i mean i've done this i must say don't you get back from holiday yeah use the icon a saturday or a sunday and then then when you lay your clothes out for Monday morning back at work, you get every white item that you've got.

Yeah, you do. I've gone into work in a singlet when I've had a tan. When a tan was something special that you had to go into another country to get. Yeah, string vest. Yeah. And that's what the white shirt reminded me of, because he looked like he'd properly scorched. I mean, that was a proper tan.

What happened, I think, not that I've been remotely forensic about this, but I think he took the white shirt off. I think it was hurting him so much. That's why he just thought, I can't bear this. When the seams are at your sunburn. But you can't wander around like that with no top on. But the high-top jeans that you mentioned.

Not with the assembled press of the world following you around particularly. I think... I don't... If you actually look and put out your mind that Simon Cowell famously wears high-waisted jeans, I don't think he does. I think you're incorrect. I think we all have... It was a joke.

You know, I've done this joke myself in the past. When I say in the past, I mean ten years ago. People are still doing it. About him having high-waisted jeans. Because, you know... But I don't think... Are they high-waisted? I'm sorry, I've produced...

I've got about 15 photographs on my phone. I think it's because we want to see. It's like one of these... No, they are high-waisted. You know those sentences that have a word in them twice? And you read the sentence and you don't notice because your brain right he has to do it for the extra height he's about anyway we can't talk about the height because you think he's going to see i think surely that makes him look shorter if he's only barely appearing above the top of his jean get them really high right up to his armpits yeah why don't you why doesn't he

take the pockets out and put his arms through there? And then have the zip as a sort of open neck thing. Step further, dungarees. It's not very nice. What's the first family outing photo of you? Oh, there's Dad with his top off. And it's horrible, isn't it? It is a bit Vladimir Putin.

What about the dogs? Did you see Squiggly and diddly the dogs were licking baby eric and he's bought them leather boots what the dogs yeah no way some creep in camden town he's got the dog's boots it said simon simon they've got nature's boots so adores the dogs he's bought them cashmere sweaters and leather snow boots oh this reminds me the snow boots on a dog this reminds me of... Leather snow boots on a dog. This reminds me of the banana guard that my wife spent money on. It's got its natural guard.

It's a peel and dogs have got feet. They don't need boots. It's almost as if he's an overage product of a superficial society. Could that be? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I was more worried about the black shoes with jeans. Oh, you hate that, don't you? I don't like black shoes. It's very Nancy DeLoglia.

I just don't. I think that's a mistake. I don't like a frayed bottom either. Me neither. That's one of my rules. Oh, you mean on jeans. Oh, I see. I just, I like a flayed bottom either me neither that's one of my rules oh you mean on jeans oh i see i just i like a flayed bottom but that is that's it with us in the in the community um i think though if you live in a warm climate yeah like la i i think people dress badly in warm climates and it's because you know you get people those moccasins without socks things that men go for. Cowl would never do that, though, according to Emily. With the lift issue.

You can't wear a built-up moccasin, can you? Our lawyers are watching. No, but people dress badly in warm climates, I'll give you that. What I would say is they don't go out for dinner with a jean and a belt. A black leather belt. A black leather belt, I'll say is they don't go out for dinner with a jean and a belt. A black leather belt. A black leather belt. I'll say it again. And a bare torso.

Some meant torso. Sometimes when I'm on a dog walk with my wife and children, I will pretend to take my shirt off as people are approaching. And my wife will go, put that shirt back on. And I think that's what happened there. He's gone out. He's got his girlfriend and his ex and so he's gone i'm gonna take my shirt off and his girlfriend has gone put that shirt

back on and the ex has gone i think it looks all right just keep it off if you want and he's gone he's gone i'm doing it i think the girl he's done it and the girlfriend's gone and then she said to herself hold on what am i throwing away i like it, Simon. Looks good. Well, that's the thing. I was thinking about that, though, when I looked at that, and I thought, well, look what she's having to do, really. And then I thought, yeah, but the best position, rather than the

girlfriend or baby Eric, would be one of the dogs. Simon Cowell's dogs would be a good job. That's a nice life. Yeah, it's perfect. Do you think? Yeah. I don't know, I imagine they could get trapped in his chest here. Well, to be honest... And you have to wear snow leather boots. The first thing I looked for on that shirt-off photo

was some belly button fluff, because if I did that, it'd look like that little bit of hamster fluff that you get. But he must have checked first before removing the shirt. I've probably got some in there. That's... Anyway, let's talk about... Takes me back to 1987.

Can we talk about something that isn't horrible and repulsive? Yes. I had a terrible spot this week. No, I've been meaning to talk to you both about this. It was awful. Well, it was actually the tail talk to you both about this. It was awful. Well, it was actually the tail end of last week, but it lasted so long. I was going to say I can't see it now. No, not even a vestige. That's because three

facials, four masks, two bottles of tea tree oil. I've had to put on it and a bit of prayer to get rid of it. A bit of prayer? Yeah, a bit of prayer. I've never prayed in my life and i prayed good for you a lot frank i'm sorry frank i know you'll be upset about that we're dragging me now as best we can part of the recruitment campaign we get a lot of teenagers i was thinking of

ringing frank and saying will you pray for me it was so bad if i could have prayed for your spot together doesn't seem right no i thought Were you tempted at any point to say, out, out, damn spot? Did you ever say that? Being a child of an actor? No. Yes. It was awful.

I don't actually know where to begin. But don't. Begin at the beginning. Can I just... Begin at the sprouting. The big plus of being a lady is if you get a facial blemish of some kind, you can cover it with make-up. Isn't that what it's all about?

What have the men got? You know, the Mexican wrestling mask. That's it. Or beard, depending on where. You've got facial hair. You can grow a beard. Oh God, it takes me six months to grow a beard. Or go to the joke shop and buy a false one. Oh yeah. Who's the Popeye character? Just get a sharpie.

Looking back. Or one of those Guy Fawkes masks. Oh, Bernard Corp. the Popeye character? Just get a sharpie. Yeah. Or one of those guys. Oh, Bernard Corse. So popular with the anarchists. Yes. He's got a beard already. Yes. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had quite a few texts in about my spot. Oh, really? Yeah, which we previewed a couple of links ago. Yes. A couple of hours ago. Sure. Maybe a company could be formed to help people with their spots.

It could be called Quixit. That's from 131. That's why it all makes sense now. 324, I too at the age of 34 have a spot on my face that now requires its own woolly hat. Can I say I love I too at the age of 34 have a spot on my face that now requires its own woolly hat. Can I say I love I too at the age of 34? I'm just going to bank that. So we need to talk about my spot, Frank.

Yours, the elephant man. It was bad. I mean, I should say I'd been feeling a bit poorly, as I believe Daisy Producer likes to use the phrase poorly. I find it a bit Catherine Cook's novel, but anyway, each to their own. I still say bilious. Do you? I felt a bit bilious i had to sit down but you know when you're poorly sometimes the toxins come out yeah don't you because there's no i had a fever no food no bit nil by mouth it was marvelous but it means the toxins yeah exactly um i was weighing myself every day yeah but um no sugar so the toxins come out this spot you would have been shocked if you'd have seen it it was so bad it

was very google earth himalayas oh wow well it was textured it had all there was all sorts going on it was it was um great i love this story no but it's interesting you mentioned the detox when i once um bumped into mel b at a do oh congratulations and um this was in their glory days yeah and indeed mine and and she was i mean she was spotted to the point where i thought i can't mention this because it's not even a she's very spot and she said you're looking at me spots and i said well i what spots being a bit frightened i like that he went down over nobody well i and she said um i'm doing a detox honestly it looked like she had one of as as ever she had like a leopard print top on and it just looked like a continuation because But at the time I thought,

well, is that true? Because would a detox cause that? No, it does. And all these years later I've now discovered that it was... The toxins will emerge. She speaketh sooth, Mel B. She did. It was like a joke shop spot. It was like somebody had stuck a joke shop spot. But not funny for you. Not funny. So I still had the illness.

As the illness got slightly better, I then thought, well, I can't go out with the spot. What am I to do so it got so bad on my first day back to work i was i tried to cover it um when you always have the decision do you leave balaclava do you leave the spot or do you um attempt attempt to i can't even say the word it makes me feel so ill lance the the boil? Yes, lance the boil. Yeah. I'll say it. Yeah.

I'm afraid I made an attempt. So, see, you always say you won't, and then you do. Was it a disaster? And then you try and cover it with make-up, and it's all gone a bit Rice Krispies. It's not good. I'm sorry.

No, exactly. It starts to look a volcano with the top sort of slightly dormant. It wasn't good, Frank. No. I got on the tube, there was a man, honestly, I had full make-up, so the man was, he was checking me out, and as I turned my head 45 degree angle, he went, oh. Oh.

I could see... Is he going to say you knocked his glasses off? Oh, dear. I could see him re-evaluate me. I could actually see him re-evaluate me. I was so stressed by that, I could see people looking at my affliction. Really? By the time I got to it, I had to go for a coffee.

And I went for a coffee and I sat down and thought, what am I going to do about this? Two cancellations I had to make. I changed my whole character throughout the spot. Oh, blimey. I became a very... What, you went on a witness relocation programme? I mean, at least the elephant man just got on with his life. Got a sack on the old head, didn't he?

I became a very different person. Very coy, very shy, very reticent. Oh, no, this is a terrible sad story. I said it makes one think about the lure of the veil. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've really upset the boys. Did I tell you? I'm not going back to it. Did I tell you? It's just a friend of my waxers. Anyway, did I tell you that I went to see...

I was at the doctor's once. I didn't go for this book. But you see that thing I've got on my chin there? No. You can see that, can you? Okay. Yeah. I said to him, I said, look, I'm not really worried,

but is this all right? It seems to be a bit. And he had a look. He got the microscope out and stuff. Not microscope. Microscope. Stethoscope. Louis Pasteur.

Is it Dr. Louis Pasteur? He got a magnifying glass out. And he said, this is what... It wasn't a sunny day, was it? He said, this is what they used to call a beauty spot. No. Oh, they used to. Now they call it a mall.

So I've got a beauty spot. So what does that tell you? Oh, all right, Madam Pompadour. Better if you'd used a medical term, though, wouldn't you? From a doctor. You want a doctor with a medical term, really, don't you? What about when he said to me, you've got a ganglion, you need to hit it with a Bible? Are you a doctor?

Yeah. I'm a doctor. We haven't talked about Susanna Reid. We can in a moment But I feel your pain about the spot Because I had some instant karma last week My sort of sister-in-law My brother's not married to her

But you know, same difference And last time they stayed at ours She left some cocoa butter in the second floor bathroom What, from her spot? A real cocoa butter I thought you meant something from a spot. And I was about to leave the house last week, and I thought, I'll pop some of that on, just a bit of moisture on.

I'll be wasted. It's like when I stole the shower gel in the swimming bath. It's not even your fragrance. My wife and son went mad, like, I can't believe you've used her cocoa butter. Next day, rash all over my face. Instant karma. Really affected it. So I feel your all over my face. Instant karma. Really affected it.

So I feel your pain. Karma cream. Karma cream. Can I say my complexion is unblemished? Great. There you go. Except for the beauty spots. No, I've got a...

I look like Casper the Friendly Ghost when I'm naked. I can exclusively reveal that's true. Slightly see-through. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We need to talk about Susanna Reid. Yes. This was hot news. I can't work out whether this is a sad story or is it?

Well, she split up with her partner. She went a bit I Love My Curves, because they do when they do the strip team. They do, yeah. And then... At least she didn't go a bit I Love my country i still hope for a career she split with her husband which is very sad but her ex has gone straight on match.com yes he is what the um what they used to say in the greyhound fraternity he traps pretty fast because um if it's a post Strictly split,

Strictly ended, what was it, first, second week in December? Yeah. That's quick. So to be on a dating site that quickly, that is... I think he might be nice for me. He's an ex-sports presenter. I could throw in an Andy Impey reference. No, but that's like

saying, you know, did you say, look, I'm sorry, but it's all over? And he said, oh, OK. You don't know the Wi-Fi password, do you? You know what I mean? It was so... It was quick, wasn't it? Yeah, I think he's gone straight to the internet. You think, first and foremost, think...

Men always do. Who other than her do I fancy? There might be a waitress or someone in the school playground. He must know someone that he doesn't need to go public yet. I know. It's no good him thinking who the middle-aged men go on about on the internet, because that's her. Oh, no.

So that's difficult. I think when these people get famous, because, you know, they will get tempted, I'm afraid. So when they get famous, what they need to do is, you know, like with the bank, when you arrange to have a mortgage break or just a break from your loan. I think they should have a relationship break and just say, look, for six months, I'll fill my boots and then you do your thing and then we'll get back together. Don't you think that makes sense? Isn't the problem for the non-famous person that you do your thing means you wait for me doing nothing?

Never troubled me. That's another story. I think when, what they call the Iggly and Squiggly, Simon Cowell. Squiggly and Diddly. Do you think they, when they had a split said, I'll fill my boots. I think, I mean, I... Because you've managed to stay in a lovely long-term relationship.

Well, we've had a lot of splits during, but we have stayed. Me and Kath now have been together, if you don't count splits, and, you know, a couple of... I was on a break! Yes, we have been together. It helps that Kath was hot from the start. Yes, but I think my secret is I try not to spend six hours a day

with a 22-year-old Russian in a high-pot leotard. Anymore. It's a good rule. It's a good rule. I think you're right, Frank. Strictly, you really are chewing the sweet and trying not to swallow it. I mean, it's difficult.

Are you blaming the celebrity there, Frank? Because forgive the expression, but it takes two to tango. Yes, but I'm not blaming. I'm just saying, you know, there is a reason that we pray leaders not into temptation. It means don't do strictly. Put me in your bit of the Venn diagram. They should update the Lord's Prayer

so you don't do strictly. There should be a celebrity Lord's Prayer. There absolutely should be. I think the people that run strictly should be worrying because some of the celebs might think, oh, I'm not doing that. Some of the long-married ones might be thinking, I'm not going to...

Richard and Judy, they wouldn't do it now. We can just keep playing safe Russell Grant. Again and again. No, but what about also Robin Thicke? That was a shock. He split up with long-suffering Paula Patton. Yes. But he said at a gig recently,

he said, he announced, I'm just trying to get my girl back. Oh, I didn't like that. She's a good woman. It's all very sad. She's got older even in that utterance. Trying to get my girl back, she's a good woman. May you mind up.

He's been bunching her, though. Pardon? He sent her loads of flowers. If a man does that, I know he's cheating. But, you know, once the Miley dance and then the photographs with women with no clothes. I, as a man driven insane by non-alcoholic wine and electric cigarettes, I know that casual dalliance can only lead to torment. Anyway, so the advice to our readers, don't do strictly.

Yeah. My voice has gone. I think it was that cheer when I got stylus. My voice hasn't been the same since. It was worth it, though. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio, back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.