The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Sweet Potato Fries

Episode Date: July 5, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Andy Murray's shock exit, Chris Martin's being back on the meat, the right time to set you're alarm for and Frank asks - what did you leave out in the rain?

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us on 8 12 15? Or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show directly through the Absolute Radio website. Maybe I should get that put on a sort of thing. I just press a button and it plays. What, and a man says it?

Well, I'm happy to say it. But that way I don't have to say it. Thanks for spoiling us. OK. So, yeah, it was lovely. So hot yesterday. Oh, it was lovely. In South East England.

Oh, it wasn't in the North West. How was it? Drenched I got. I love this weather chat. Do you know, it was so hot yesterday, I undid the second button on my shirt. Goodness, starting at which end? I'd rather not disclose.

I wore shorts. That's why I was rather relieved it was bad weather today. I thought me and Alan were going to come in in something embarrassing, one of us. Yeah. But no, it's all right. I've got my suit on. But I did think what a great texting would be, what have you left out overnight and has thus been ruined by surprise rain?

Oh, yeah. No, come on, sir. You know I can't read that out. But, yeah, I think it struck me, because last night I had a last-minute, oh, I think I'm going to put those in, it might rain, even though it's been lovely and sunny, and today I felt like a hero.

I'd saved so many things. What was it? What did you leave? What was the things that you left? There was a first edition David Copperfield. I left, it was on the lawn at about... You have first editions scattered around your garden? No, I was lying about that.

I signed them at my heroic rescue work because I had more dynamic than it was. It was actually a child's bugger he was out. But, you know, it was, I rescued it. That would have been sudden. Well done. Well done. That would have been...

OK. So, yeah, I'd love to know. I rescued it. That would have been sudden. Well done. What would have been? Okay. So, yeah, I'd love to know. Someone must have left something out, you know, interesting that's been ruined. Mm-hmm. I'm sure. Yeah. I just tried to, you know, I've never heard that phoning before on radio.

It's good to try and have original thoughts. It might be there's a reason for that, but it might not. When I came in this morning, the driver had Capital Radio on Did he? And someone phoned in and said they're texting him they said I didn't get in till 4 from partying and I've got to go to work this morning and the guy said

well good luck with that and who knows you might be looking for another job soon and I thought I thought you know we're not perfect on our show, but that simply is not good enough. I love that you have to draw a line somewhere. You're right, you do. I think the whole station should cut out if things get that bad.

Just cut out and go to silence. I think what did you leave out last night, or save indeed, is an infinitely superior line of questioning. I can't leave the bins out, you see, Frank, because the foxes get it and it looks like Glastonbury in my concrete patch. But worse than that is bringing the bins in if they stink, innit? You've got to keep them in overnight. Anyway, I think I'm getting early on this one.

I'm starting to think that maybe Capital Radio sorted it out. I'm starting to think that maybe Lord Haw Horse fascist taunting of the allies was OK. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. May I say, by Jove, Mr Skinner, you've stumbled on a fantastic text-in for radio. Yeah, I've reached V a fantastic text in for radio. What changed the radio world? I think so. Make some room in your trophy cabinet, Frank, because

you've revolutionised the face of radio. People have texted in... They did say that about Lord Ha Ha as well. Nancy and Grace, aged seven and six, left their six compartment cardboard box train in the garden and the sellotape is all peeling off the wet cardboard.

Oh. Was this last night? Sounds like it. Or at least in the garden. That's from Mrs Tina Taylor. Yes. What is it? Seven compartment?

Six compartment, please. Point to all the six compartments. There's a little incident where it could have been worse. Yeah. Look on the bright side. It's a cardboard incident where it could have been worse. Yeah. Look on the bright side. It's a cardboard box train that they'd made, I think. Are you out of your mind? Who makes seven compartment cardboard box trains?

Are you out of your mind? It's a health and safety nightmare. If they'd have had the cardboard, believe me, it would have been so. The nice thing about that, though, it's like British Rail. You can be absolutely down on your knees and all the sellotape's coming off, and then you can build yourself back up again. Yeah. So go on, go to it. Let's have a new one.

And hey, have you heard of Scotchgarding? What about 554? After finishing the stocks for the school fair, spelled F-A-Y-R-E... Of course, that's how you spell fair. Yeah, love it. My husband's left his new electric circular saw out. It got drenched. Oh, no.

Would that survive, though? Well, if you will make stocks on a Friday night. Yeah. Is that bad luck? Oh, yeah. Making stock on a Friday night. Oh, you'll be pilloried when they find out what's happened there. And then Frank Jamie says,

I ruined a pair of Crocs with foot sweat in Disneyland. I had to leave them outside the hotel room. They didn't get nicked. You can't ruin Crocs with... They're waterproof. What sort of an animal are you? I think one could argue you can't ruin Crocs. That's my point.

You started off with a fairy. I must say, I haven't criticised Crocs for years. I have taken to wearing them while I do my gardening. No. My gardening. So you wear a suit and crocs in the go-round? I've just said, as someone wearing crocs, what kind of an animal are you, answering my own questions?

Well, yesterday I was wearing shorts, socks and crocs. Socks and crocs could be a whole new... It's sort of pithy, isn't it? I'll tell you what it is. It's a socks and crocs kind of a guy. It's a whole new specialist interest area for me. Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I don't have any of those badges. That's what I want to get. You know those badges that people put on Crocs? Oh, yes. Do people put badges on socks? I'm not aware of that. What are your socks like, Frank? Are they black half-length, I'm thinking?

Well, they were. They were red and blue hooped, but short. Oh, shorties. They were ankle-based. Actually, on the badges front, I went for dinner at TGI Fridays. Oh, how affluent. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Now you're on Doctor Who, aren't you? Well, you know, my sister's got a shop which is 1974 down her road. Oh, yeah. I've got one that's 1991 down mine, so I went there. I go there sometimes, to be fair. Do you? Yeah. Well, I don't know about your branch, but the branch I was at,

they weren't wearing the multi-badge thing. Oh. You know the... I've never been in there. You've never been in there? Well, don't get all snooty about it, then. You can't even... Get all Lord Snooty with us. with us yeah about it don't even know what it's like i don't know what it's like the whole new world you're describing to me i'll tell you what it's like

it's not what it's like it's not what it used to be the one time when it won the one i went in was so wacky was it you know they used to be really wacky on restraint now they'd come over covered in badge they used to wear those shirts the braces as well on the You know they used to be really wacky. They're gone restrained now. They'd come over covered in badge. They used to wear those shirts. The braces as well on the front. Yeah, they used to wear shirts like Bully wore on Bullseye. You know that red and white striped shirt? I would have liked that. Yeah, they wore that and braces.

And they'd come and say, hey, how are you today? Feeling good. And they'd sort of be mixing cocktails. That bit i think would make me feel a bit i know i don't think you'd like it but i used to find it uplifting personality disordered i used to think oh this is what youth was like one was like this all the time they were into they used to sell the cocktails heavily yeah right whereas this guy came over to me and said look i know this is a weird, but have you ever tried a sweet potato fry?

Oh. What did you say? I sound like weird these days. I don't know if I have or not. But I said to him, look, I have not. In the end, when he pushed it, he kept on. No, I know, but they are really nice. I know you wouldn't expect them to be nice,

but they are really nice. And I thought, why would anyone be... What kind of commission service is based on sweet potato? Yeah. And in the end, I said, look, I have not come in here to eat healthily. I want the ordinary fries, please, and the cheeseburger, and obviously I started with ribs.

You have to. You got them with ribs. Oh, yeah. Good for you. It started with a rib. That's what they say That's how actually God described The creation of woman If I remember in the bible

You know the bible I've heard of that Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Oh I'm sorry I was just about to tell you Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no.

I was just about to tell you that what you've left in the garden texts continue. Good. Hi, Frank. We left our tortoise Phoebe, in brackets. They're waterproof, aren't they? Out in the garden last night. Just fetched her in. She had a big slug on her shell.

Oh, wowza. That's from Yvette in West Brom, who's a regular texter, but obviously... You're sure that she just hadn't been to an Elvis look-alike animals do? That was her quiff. Maybe. Yeah. Sorry, what was the last bit I jumped in? It's Yvette in West Brom, she's a regular texter, so it could be that the show's been a civic duty today. You've said

what have you left in the garden, and they've gone oh, the tortoise, we should get... Oh yeah, I could have said that. Tortoise could have drowned. Well, the slugs could be all over it. I'm thinking, having watched the World Cup, if you could get a big carapace, you know, the technical name for the shell,

and squeeze Alan Shearer into it, he'd make quite a good tortoise, look like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I wonder if he sorted that in, you know, when the fancy dress season is upon us. Yeah, or a bit of panto. A little tip if you're listening, Alan. Mm, yeah. I wonder if he sorted that in the fancy dress season is upon us. Yeah, or a bit of pantour. A little tip if you're listening, Alan.

William David has tweeted us, how do I join you? Would you care to answer that, Frank? How does he join us? I think he's accidentally got the... He's trying to call the Tofty Club for road safety advice. Oh, yeah. And he's got... Tofty Club is the... No, I'm not going to go there. No, don't. Oh, yeah. And it's got... Tofty Clough is the...

No, I'm not going to go there. No, don't. No, I'm not. It's because you reverse out of a joke. Well, I feel just listening you join us. That's what I feel, because now you're part of the family already because you've been read out and everything.

Yeah. Not that you have to be read out to be part of the family. You understand. Did I ever tear back when I worked with a tortoise and I had to do a publicity picture of sort of holding it as if I was going to kiss it right next to my face? Oh, absolutely disgusting. Yeah, and it was the first time I realised

that because they're reptiles cold-blooded by nature, the breath that comes out of their nostrils is icy cold. Is it? That's like me. Quite a handy thing to have in the car. Yeah. Keeps them in the car now. Keeps them in the car.

I just do under the armpits and back of the neck. When you get to your gig. And then back in the glove. Al, save some of the aircon as well in those summer months. Fantastic. Hang on, I'm just going to order some. If you had six of them across the back sill like nodding dogs, the car wouldn't get hot in this weather when you got in. It'd be like the air con had been on but no fuel had been used.

Lovely little tongues. I didn't know. We didn't get that far. That is disgusting. That was a first. But they're all right, I must say. So the reason I was at TGI Fridays, you're all wondering, is I was at TGI Fridays at the O2 Centre.

Oh. Because I went to see Monty Python live this week. Oh, lovely. Oh, yeah. Which was quite... I say lovely, I'm not a fan, as you know. Well, I have to admit, I was one of those... Now the definition of a pub bull is I was one of those people

who used to recite large chunks of Monty Python. I mean, you know, oh, I thought you'd come to complain about the mizuki, but no, I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse. Sorry? E, I like a nice tune, you're forced to. I used to do like 10, 15

minutes of that. Oh, I'm really glad I didn't date you then. I'm just giving you an example of what it must have felt like for the other people. I always thought it was great. I felt absolutely ill. Yes. But I was recreating a moment. Did you really do that? I honestly did do it. I was

that soldier. As Max Boygrave said on the end of A Deck of Cards when he covered the famous Wink Martindale hit. Can I ask a question? How are the faces holding up? Well, I wouldn't say they were holding up. Have they collapsed? They look like old men. OK. You see, I'm't say they were holding up. Have they collapsed? They look like old men.

OK. You see, I'm particularly interested in Terry Jones. Yeah. Because Terry Jones is one of the celebrity old dad club. Oh, yes, of course he is. And I'm always keeping an eye on the celebrity old dads to see how they're holding up. And, well, I'll come back to this.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Aunt Tortoises. Aunt Tortoises. Shall we start this bit again? Aunt Concordiale, is that what you were trying to say?

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Ian Angle has texted in, who's a regular, and he said, aren't tortoises always sluggish? Yeah. Because they're always sluggish. Once again, Ian Angle is right. And not only is he right, he's right in quite a sort of clever, wordy way. Funny.

And someone else is saying, you should have gone with the sweet potato fries, Frank. What a taste sensation. Really? I missed my chance. Well, not forever. But you were at the other two. Nobody had the chances. You can always get tables at TGI Fridays, to be honest.

Well, I don't know if that's... In my limited experience. I don't know if that's necessarily true. Charlie, our AP, as we call her, assistant producer. Is that your official title, Charlie? Was saying that people who work at TGI Fridays call their badges their flair. How much flair have you got on today? Oh, really?

Yeah, what about that? Well, these guys were flair-free. Oh, no. Flair-de-free. Oh, flair. So, yeah, it was... So, yeah, Terry Jones. Terry Jones.

I don't know. I mean, I'm not one to, you know... I'm not one for tittle-tattle, but you may know that Terry Jones had a child when he was, I think, 67. His wife... Well, his girlfriend at the time was 26. Lovely.

Yeah. I always remember reading her previous boyfriend had been 24 or something i always thought did terry on their first night together take his shirt off and say and know for something completely different um but um yeah so he's an old dad. He looked... I would say he looked the most exhausted of the troupe. Oh, yeah. So maybe that's a lesson there for us all. But I have to say, I cried at the Lumberjack song. I don't mean in laughter. Did you?

I mean in sheer nostalgia and whimsy. Oh. Yeah, so it was very emotionally... Strang strangely emotional. Did they do the parrot thingamajig? Oh, they did the parrot thingamajig. Oh, lovely. Oh, yeah.

Did they? Painting for the fjords? What kind of talk is this? They did that. Oh, absolutely horrible. Here's a question for you. Did you ever get Terry Jones mixed up with Tom Jones? No. It's not unusual okay i i asked that question because are you aware are you aware of a company called tj hughes um why does every anecdote you tell involve tg or tj well that will make sense

in a little while tj used you know a department store yeah it's a sort of a department store when um tk max was in america that's called tj max do you know and when they moved to england they thought oh we better change that or everyone's going to get it mixed up with tj hughes yeah i think maybe the americans got a slightly um mixedup view of how massive TJ Hughes was in the public's consciousness. So they then changed it to TK Maxx to avoid that confusion. I love your retail gossip. I think it's a very...

Is this the stuff you've picked up from running Gap or Next or whatever it is? Yeah, I did run Gap. Well, I actually had the idea for Gap, if you remember. You so didn't, Alan. What do you mean? Oh, as he tricked me. Oh, sure up. Anyway, it was very brilliant.

Except for one thing. Oh, yeah, your seats. Every now and again. No, the seats were good. We were in a box. Lovely. But every now and again, a man as a kangaroo came on stage, dressed as a kangaroo and jumped about.

And I think it was supposed to be wacky and random. Didn't get one laugh all evening. But it was written so he had to keep coming back on. Oh, death of a thousand cuts. Yeah, and it was. And I know that feeling when you've planned a joke to happen six times in something and the first time it happens and it dies completely and you think,

oh no, I'm trapped. Trapped in an endless spiral of non-laughter. As they say on Capital. And he kept coming back, this guy. It was, I can't tell you how... On one level, brilliant, but every now and again you think, oh, that was a really funny't tell you how, on one level brilliant, but every now and again you'd think, oh, that was a really funny sketch and you'd hear...

And on would come the man and it would be just hell, hell on earth. But other than that, it was a brilliant and moving evening. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The embarrassing kangaroo thing. You know when I, you know my terrible, traumatic evening at the Brits

when I hosted the Brits and it didn't go that well. Oh, you wouldn't mention that again. I've heard tell of it. Yeah, but one thing that i i i watched it i've never said is that my original plan for the brits was to go on dressed as jerry hallowell i had the platform boots and i got them to make me a mini dress union jack mini dress and i was going to do the first link as as jerry would she have been dressed as you? No, no, she wasn't involved. I was so bored.

But I lost my nerve at the last minute. Did you? I thought it's one thing to die. It's one of those sense of death when you do the Brits, before you do it. But to die dressed as Jerry Halliwell, that would go down in showbiz. Those shots of me in my pathetic face,

dressed as Jerry Halliwell, so I lost my nerve. So it could have been... One thing that it's never said about that night at the Brits, it could have been worse. Interesting. Do you remember when Colin Jackson and Erin Bogue danced with dummies on... Oh, yeah.

They had a bit of an idea that if you... You know those dummies that they start... Can I say, very impressed that you remember Erin Bogue. Yeah, Erin Bogue. Well, she's probably one of the better dancers, don't you think? But she hasn't... Voice of controversy over there.

She doesn't have the inherent glamour. She hasn't got the publicity that some of... You might say the less gifted have got. You know, it's not all about coloured hair. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, they danced with these dummies on and it went very badly. The judges

said you've ruined all your good work. The judges hated it. And they had to take this stick, stand in there with these two dummies stuck to them. Which were sort of attached to them, sewn to them. Like emus standing next to them. Oh dear, it was a very awful moment. But ofus standing next to them. Oh, dear.

It was a very awful moment. But, of course, like so many awful moments, also brilliant. Did they... In fact, it was a definite sense of... ..about the whole thing. Did any of them have the joie de vivre to pick up the hand of the dummy and just make it rub its own eye as they were getting the bad feedback?

Yeah, take its head in its hands. No, as I say, it was Colin Jackson and Erin Bogue. Good point, yeah. Did you think I said more than my wife? I wish they'd done that in the manner of the news bunny on live TV, if you remember him, who'd react to atrocities by shedding a tear. Yeah, they lost their confidence in that quite early on, didn't they?

Which is probably a good idea. I'll tell you what, I had a man in this week. Oh, congratulations. Thank you very much. You know, I try everything in life. I say, no, I had to... I had a few little jobs, you know.

You know, the odd loose door handle, that kind of thing. Things maybe I could do myself if I got a manual. Who is your man? You were locked in a toilet recently, so you probably want to be careful about the door handle. He's your equivalent to Victor, my Lithuanian, isn't he? Is he? I don't know, you're Lithuanian.

OK, I'm just saying he's your version of that. I like the sound of him. Yeah, and he came round and what it was is that we've got a table in the downstairs part of the house, like a coffee table.

It's a biggie. And Kat says, why don't we swap that with the one upstairs so we've got more room in our normal living area. Have a smaller one i said okay i'll ask the man so he's he um well you have to ask him for approval on no i wanted to ask him to move the furniture too big for his boots i don't know well he wasn't big enough to carry the table on his own he tried but it was awkward and there was that moment where the obvious thing was for me to say, well, you know, I'll give you a hand.

Don't tell me you didn't. And I thought, I don't know if I'm of an age now where I can... Oh, fine. You weren't that you were going to act like a python and just sort of wobble about and people would cry. Yeah, I just thought I might do my back. Do your back? That is what I thought.

So you let your mother-in-law do it? No, so I said, I'll just leave it there. So it's still there. It's a terrible age moment when I thought it would be ridiculous for me to try and take this on. The risk isn't worth it. How big a table are you talking about? Two people couldn't have got it. Yeah, but I've got quite a bit of TV coming up.

I can't risk a back injury. It was a terrible... It must be like that moment when a French woman walks into a shop and she's been called mademoiselle her whole life and she finally gets called madame. It was like that. I just thought, yes. When you have to say no to helping with the table up the stairs, you know that...

You can hear the shovel hitting the soil, as they say. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Is it like a heavy wood, the table? Oh, yeah. Is it like oak? Yeah, I tell you what, it was more... It was sturdy. It was quite a heavy table.

Right. But also, it meant a lot of squeezing around corners. Yeah, yeah. And it had to be raised up. I hate that. I think it was Jerry Halliwell who said, Leave me alone. The table was sort of saying that in a similar way.

Are you feeling haunted by the Brits today? Haunted by the Brits. A novel by Beryl Bainbridge. I don't know why that's come up again, but there we have it. So, yeah, it was the way I just, I didn't even try. I actually said, I did say to him, I suppose I could give you

a hand with it. No. And then I said, no. Oh, you can't mention that and then reverse back out of it. I thought you'd just, you know. Well, I think I took a sensible decision, is what I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. And you're here to tell the tale, aren't you?

I said to him, you know, I said, look, I'm sorry, I've got key man insurance. Anyway... You need to talk to David Baddiel about that, Frank. What's that? You know, I've never, drinking game, I know you won't approve, but we have played it before. OK.

And David's I've never is, I've never genuinely taken my share of the weight when carrying an object that's very very good yeah i won't tell you his other i've nevers no no i remember fantasy football it was a joke um i don't mean it was a joke i mean oh anyway so that's a very good i've never though oh it's brilliant I put it right up there I here's a question for you what time

it's not an early start by the working person standard but we start the show at 8 we get in about 7 what time do you set your alarm for on a Saturday morning usually 5.45 Charlie producer at AP rings me at 5.30 What time do you set your alarm for on a Saturday morning usually? 545. 545.

Charlie, producer, AP, sorry, rings me at 530. Oh, I see. I get an early morning call. Oh, so you get a call at 530 and then your phone, your alarm goes off 545. So what happens in those 15 minutes? I'd rather not disclose. Oh, God. That tortoise.

Of course, he doesn't have a chance to get away. Nine and 15 minutes. Me now? Yeah. Six or six or five, depending. Or sometimes maybe six, 15. Sailing close to the wind? Depending on how close I am to the sea.

There's six or five. You see, there's six or five or six or 10. You get called at 6.30 and then yours goes off at 6.45. Five or five. Me? Six or 6.10, you get called at 6.30 and then yours goes off at 6.45. 5.45. Me? 6.03. Because it's recently struck me, why do I have to be a slave to the tyrannical twelfths?

You know, the five past, ten past, quarter past, why? I thought, I'm never setting my alarm again on one of those. So I've gone 6.03 and when it wakes up, every morning I start by thinking my alarm again on one of those. So I've gone 603. When it wakes up every morning, I start by thinking, yeah, bit of a rebel. I start every morning. It gives you that feeling that I'm a bit of a different thinking guy. And it comes on to rebel, rebel, doesn't it? Your radio alarm.

Hey, Frank, what if we extend this? You could extend this into society. Social engagements. Put it on invitations. Come at 7.22. Yeah, why don on invitations. Comma 7 and 22. Yeah, why don't we just fight that thing, the oppressive twelves? See, my mum prefers odd

numbers to even numbers, so I would almost always, I've kind of got that ingrained in my head, so I would almost always, if I was setting my alarm for 6 in the morning, I would usually put it at like 5.59 or 6.01. Oh, don't start claiming that you do that. I've been admitted it was

five past and ten past. I know you're trying to get on the erratic timing bandwagon. Let me see. Don't try and be a colourful character like him. I mean, come on, don't make it that obvious. If I'm obvious, I prefer the fives. If I'm honest, I like the fives better.

Oh, I'm going to do that, Frank. You know what it is for me from now on? 547. That's what I'm going to go for. OK, good on you. And if I make a cardboard train, it's going to be five and a half compartments. Crazy. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show through the, at Frank on the Radio,

or email the show through the Absolute Radio, Webby. The Webby. The Webby. Disgusting. Good luck on the Webby. Absolutely disgusting. He's really street, isn't he?

He's really talking to the youth. Hey, hey. Can I tell you what we haven't talked about? We're doing all the vowels. Andrew Murray. I'm calling him Andrew Murray because I think he needs to do an Andrew Cole. And change it from Andy. It affected him in a fabulous way, didn't it?

Yeah, it really helped his career, didn't it? But he got knocked out, didn't he? He did. In front of the Royals. How embarrassing. He got short shrift. Yeah. Kate was there in lace.

Will's had his ball patched, but don't judge. He's still turned up. There were, um, I could see lots of things where she was chatting to him, and he seemed to be looking in the opposite direction. Oh, didn't he have trouble at mail? That started quite early. As my mother would say, trouble in the wings,

dear. Oh. Yeah, you, um, what about, did they pick to go as well? Oh, this'll be great, we'll be off the really exciting wing. Oh, the glamorous one. And there wasn't even any high bits was that it was just he was hammered but apparently well no i i don't think he was hammered um i mean i don't mean he was hammered although that would have an impact on his taste i'm sure well apparently there were a few shouty screamy incidents as i believe hugh grant calls, shouty, screamy, just moments before.

The word on the street... Sorry, Al. Some of the words in the changing rooms are particularly Scottish, I would say, is some of his dialect. Some of the words I can tell our listeners will not be mentioned. No. So you can take your hands off your child's ears. It was fruity language.

Yeah. He said, five minutes before the category C swear word, match, was what he was heard to shout. Yes, five minutes before the match he shouted. So what was he referring to? Well, I've got... What's your theory? I've got a theory.

Go on. I think... Can I say, if he was a more interesting man, he'd have said four minutes before that. But, of course, he was one of the oppressive twelfths got to him i bet it wasn't exactly five minutes but he's gone straight into the nearest oh man just why don't you just run with the herd i think someone suggested playing a six minute long song and he was like five minutes before the match i think it was i haven't got time to listen to Stairway to Heaven right now.

Poor example. I don't know how long Stairway to Heaven is. I think... What is Yorkshire actually? It's Kalshorian. I think what happened was... I'm just saying maybe his opponent... They're in the dressing room.

There's a gents there. Maybe he didn't leave things fragrant. Oh. He said, five minutes before the match. Do you think the opponent walked out of the toilet and went, I'd give that ten minutes if I were you? Yeah, that's what I think, huh? Five minutes before!

Whatever it was, there's a maths problem, isn't there? Unless it was a really interesting opponent and we should have said, I'll give that nine minutes. If I were you. I think, wasn't all this, basically, I'm playing a bit rubbish today,

so I need to blame somebody. No, it's the opposite. Everybody else is saying, oh, we heard him shouting and him and his coach

Moresma are saying, no, it's just a bad day at the office. Oh, now they are, but, but,

you know, you know when you get actors who get their lines wrong, and they say, can you not stand in my eye line, by the way? Because you're just putting me up and it's nothing to do with. And then they'll get it wrong again. I can hear someone talking, someone talking somewhere. And it's always Blimey, everyone except. So I think he was doing a bit of that.

Didn't he tell his... He shouted it at the box. Didn't he tell his... He shouted it at the box. Didn't he tell his mother to... Well, he shouted at the box. He said a variation of shut the front door. Yeah. I should think, dude, he shut the front door years ago. Well...

But you don't... Now, I hope he was not speaking to his mother. That's an absolute disgrace. Well, there's theories that it was to... I like what you've just said. There's theories that it was to his coach or to his uh girlfriend what about old maury when um missing an action oh yeah because she was watching her other son that was a different day she was same day she was she missed the first set but you didn't really joke about that the day before,

or the match before. I know. And then she went and did it. Wow. But to be fair, the other brother, I mean, it's tough being the other brother. Oh, it is tough. He deserves a bit of motherly love, for goodness sake.

Definitely, yeah. Doesn't Andy get enough attention? He does. But I don't think he should be shouting stuff like that. That's not acceptable. I never heard that. I mean, you shouldn't be using the bad words in front of us. There's children in the audience.

Mm-hmm. True. And the roy in front of us. Children in the audience. And the royals. And the royals. I mean, for goodness sake. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Could have been that the coach, Maresmo, suggested a new tactic, like really late

in the day, like hold the racket at the stringy end. Can I say, you keep repeating that, Maresmo, because you're quite proud you know how to pronounce it. Well, it's not that hard, though, is it? It's not like Descartes. I know, but the standards are different. It's a bit like Gran Turismo, isn't it? Vi Mariner. What a... Oh, that hurts.

What? What does that mean? That hurts. Oh, come on, don't squabble. Do I have to reach into the back of the car and bang your heads together? I did like the Murray story just because it kept using the word quarrel in newspapers. Well, because one of the... You had a quarrel. One of the rumours, wasn't it, was that him and Kim...

Oh, yeah. Had had a bit of a falling out before. And also one of his backroom staff might have said that he was leaving five minutes before. A quarrel. There's many theories about the five minutes before. There's a lot of theories. What about what old Marmari said? She said, form is temporary, class is permanent.

Yeah, I hate it when people say that. I wish she hadn't said that. I think quite the reverse. I have to say that's what fools say. I think she might have given the naysayers a stick to beat him with there, because he's only what it wants. Well, it's not just that but clearly form

yes is temporary but class if you lose in straight sets that sounds like that tends to come and go as well. It's not permanent. So Judy's got maybe she should shut the front door. That's the kind of rubbish

she's going to come out with. I have to say though the Kim Sears theory Maybe she should shut the front door. That's the kind of rubbish she's going to come out with. Yeah. I have to say, though, the Kim Sears theory, I had quite a big row with Kath this week about biscuits. I won't go into it. About biscuits? But then I had to go immediately off and do a sketch with the one shows Alex Jones.

And I don't think anyone would have picked up on it. At the end of the day, I put the blinkers on. I was don't think anyone would have picked up on it. At the end of the day I put the blinkers on, I was professional. I wasn't up there shouting about it. Really? Yeah, none of that. I didn't get there and say five minutes before. I'm so glad you said five minutes. I said four.

I'll tell you something else I did this week. You know when I always whenever we have a reported speech on here, that you guys, like everyone else in the world, and I said to him, oh, well, I always say, well, did you say oh? And then you say, well, no, I didn't. I actually left a message for Daisy, a phone message this week, in which I began, oh.

And then I thought Daisy will be able to say, Oh, well, Frank found me and he said, Oh. Did you delete it? I sometimes delete a bad message. Can you do that? I've got to confess, I think I've probably done it to all of you. If I'm leaving a message and I don't feel comfortable with how I sound, I'll delete mid-message and re-record.

I'll tell you after. I don't know how to do that. That sounds amazing, though. I don't know if to do that. That sounds amazing, though. I don't know if I want to learn. Let me get this right. I'm going to be editing and redoing my phone messages and then coming and doing three hours of live radio every Saturday. I've got my priorities wrong.

We should edit this. It could be a decent show. That's all I'm saying. I mean, I'm guessing, obviously. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's not just Andy Murray that has been a competitor in sporting events this week. No. I don't know where this is. Very own Cockrell entered my son's sports day. They did, like, a dad's race. They did a dad's race. Can I ask, was there money involved?

No, no money involved and very little prestige, er, certainly the way I did it. Trophy? Was there a trophy? Nope. Um, and there was quite a lot of potential humiliation. Um, I, I was sort of, er, I was standing chatting to my wife and some other mums and they were announcing, oh, what it is, classroom. You know when you get one dad, they live it up. Self-employed dad hanging out at the school.

They take advantage. On yummy mummy patrol. Totally. That's me. That's me. I'm banged to rights here. And they were announcing it, oh, whatever it is,

you know, year one dad's race. And they went, oh, you're going to do it? And I sort of went, oh, yeah, all right. And now I'd gone, I'd gone to the Children's Sports Day

in... Can I say, the cockler just completed 40 minutes of stretching behind the tree. Oh, yeah. He's so competitive competitive i'm not that competitive i wish i was you are um you're very light though i was uh i was wearing chinos and

some adidas originals trainers no socks uh beckenbauer all rounds for any uh trainer fans out there beckenbauer all right size 10s what was on the um what was on your trunk uh just uh i think a shirt possibly a short sleeve shirt. Many of our listeners know that the cockerel's got a trunk. Yeah. Something that we never bring up. Can't wear spectacles. So they announced, oh, that Dad's you.

So I went, oh, yeah, all right, I'll join in. Kept my sunglasses on. Virginia. Oh, like Elvis doing karate. Exactly, exactly like that. Brilliant. Gave my wife my phone. I walked off to join the queue.

Already loads of the dads are in the front line. So I literally had to stand behind other people. So I was in row two. It's like F1. I was in row two at the start of a race. F1. Like a national. F1, as Kate said to William when he said,

what did Andy Morris say to you sadly the start was less organised than the F1 where I think they do actually have a restart if there's a false start you must have towered above the other

no there are other fully sized men there it wasn't me against the kids. I wasn't racing the pupils. It's not the Willow classic. No, but he's got something of the... You're a bit of a Caucasian Usain Bolt. I'm tall. And I'll tell you what,

when we actually started the race, and my wife has some video footage of this. I put my foot on the stripes and i slipped and nearly fell flat on my face in front of the entire congregation at the very beginning no about a third of the way through the race and then how long was the race i don't know 50 60 yards something like that not the full 100 okay but i was thinking I was thinking it was, you know... I took...

I had a picture of 800 metres. Oh, God, no. Nobody's going to hang around and watch Dad do that. Yeah, but if you want to pull a muscle... Some of them would perish if that was the case. I mean, a sprint is the way to pull a muscle from cold. Well, when I slipped my foot in, I sort of staggered. And as you know, I'm sort of long-limbed, aren't I?

So I'm a bit like a... And I can see it on the video of me kind of going... And my arms are out. So my bottom half looked like... You know when Inspector Gadget used to say, go, go, Gadget legs, and he'd stick them out really far? That was the bottom half. And above the waist, I looked a bit like Mr Tickle.

So just really long-limbed and ungainly. And I actually think it would have been better to have just face-planted as I was running, just gone straight down. You regained balance, though. I've often thought that. I have to say, I filmed with Peter Purvis once. And I must have told you this.

We were playing football. Thanks for the tip. He tripped. Peter Purvis. Yeah. I just got my syntax wrong. and he tripped playing football and i mean it felt like he took 40 minutes to go down but it must have been like eight seconds but he he was running when he was he was parallel to the ground i'd never seen a man battle against falling better

he was absolutely like his face was like 18 inches from the ground and he was still running it was incredible to see it's like a plough and then he finally went down it was really spectacular. Did your parents ever come to sports day, Frank? Did you have sports day in Birmingham? We did, we had sports day, yeah

but I don't, it's just something I didn't tell my parents what was going on at school, I didn't want them to get too involved in case they made me revise to any stage. So no, I kept that from them. I did, I have started thinking now though, that I am going to find myself in

this position, am I not? I'm thinking, um, Buzz is not going to be at school proper for about three years. I could employ an international coach. But you really could. No, I really, I genuinely could.

And you know what? He would. I have secret training. And what about that? Secret training. I'm honestly seriously thinking about it. Hold on. I'm just going to look up a caboose. He's not my phone book.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I mean, to be honest, if I'd realised I was going to run in the sports day, I would have worn my Adidas Mundial team with the sort of little pimples on the bottom, you know, like the five-a-side trainers. They would have been ideal for that kind of surface. But I just didn't, I didn't anticipate that I was going to get involved. Surprise, I'd have worn me spikes.

Oh, would you? What about if you'd casually turned off in your spikes and said, oh, I didn't realise that was the dad's ring? Well, when you've got your tutor, your personal trainer, of course. When Akabusi's on the case. I'll turn up in dark glasses and listen to music. Well, when you've got your tutor, your personal trainer, of course, like a little piece of art. When Akabusi's on the case. I'll turn up in dark glasses and listen to music in a tracksuit. The other thing that happened this week was that I went to the school assembly and it was great.

I'm sure you're not posing as a schoolboy somewhere. You're in the sports and you went to school assembly. I was to watch Cockrell Junior., Little Lord Fauntleroy, and it was great, but... Was that what he was... Were you the only adult there? No, there was all of us. Was there any...

All of us? The whole gang? Was there any religious content in the assembly? No. Here we go. Uh-oh. God, no. Not even a magnificat?

God, no, being exactly the right thing to say. I love me a Magnificat. If we wanted religion in his school assembly, we'd probably have sent him to the other schools round the corner, the ones that have the big crosses in the playground. Oh, the other schools. What have you gone to, Alistair Crowley High? Oh, no.

I don't know what that means. What's Alistair Crowley? He's a famous Satanist. Hank! Anyway, they... They've gone across, but it's upside down, of course. They did this little assembly on the rainforests and the ecosystem, and, you know, it's all recycled and stuff.

Oh, God. It was great. Talk about their school kids. It was nice. Adults have got completely bored with the whole ecology thing. Yeah. Nobody really recycles anymore. I don't believe in it anymore.

It's all lip service. But kids, they love it. They do love it. They love a bit of climate change. I'll tell you something. If there's a project to be had, you get to cut out polar bears, stick it on the wall. Yeah. I was a bit distracted, though, because they sang a song.

Why? Some of the yummy mummies? I uh no um player's gonna play um you started that you started that repellent creature they sang a song and they played it on like the screen off youtube which is a screen these days it's also a slightly saddening thing, because then you get to see the timeline at the bottom of it, and you can see, oh my God, we've only done one chorus, and there's still- Oh, it was a mistake. And then at the end they went, oh, let's do the song again. So you get to see it all.

But it was good, but it sort of went, and I'll try and do an approximation of the chorus. It was something like- I'm looking forward to this. Rain, rain forest. It was something like that. looking forward to the rain rainforest it was something like that bob dylan i'll tell you what i spent the whole assembly thinking is that nick cave cover are they the kids doing nick cave covers it sounded really like nick cave rainforest did he do any nick that's today's texting on 8 12 15. did nick cave do any rainforest based songs songs? Rainforest, Rainforest I want to save the

Rainforest No. It wasn't that one. I thought I was onto something there for a minute. I've been shot down in flight. You've got to sit through it. It's like when I did my gymnastics display to Salt-N-Pepa's Push It. Did you? Yeah. I'll be creative

for you now. No wonder you couldn't get up this morning after that long. Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I think maybe I'm just saying we should have a you know what Frank.

Email Corner we should have a you-know-what, Frank. Email corner. I haven't really just noticed the drumming on that. Is it tabloid? Is that what they call it? Yeah. Oh. It's very lovely. I doubt you can hear something a thousand times and then find something new.

I thought like that about rain, rainforest, but that's a different story. We've had an email in from a character calling themselves 695. Okay. Dear team, he then gives us some praise, which I'll decline to read out.

Thank you for it. I'm a newish listener and I've been working my way through the podcast Library of Humour. Immortalising Skinner. I heard your theory on longshore drift slash tidal action as a skinner, but you were denied it. Yeah, I should briefly summarise this. I was on the beach and it's that thing when you stand on the beach sometimes and the sea goes in and out that you feel like you're moving and the sea is static.

So I suspected there was not a name for that phenomenon. Yeah. So I claimed it as the Skinner effect. Then it turned out there was a much less, more, you know, sort of long-winded rather dull name, but too late. I'd missed my chance. But I feel like I'm in with a shout now for another.

Six, nine, five thousand alternative suggestion. However, I feel like I'm in with a shout now for another 695 has an alternative suggestion however I would like to name something after Frank I don't know whether it has a name but my children have now adopted that's it, no this as a skinner when you buy four bread rolls which are joined together

I like it so far when you pull a roll away you get a thin piece of bread that becomes loose, but usually sticks to one of the rolls. I've named this a Skinner. We argue over who gets these. If Emily is ever near Cambridge and

fancies sampling Skinner... I like the fact he mentions his kids and then hits you with a nice move in the same email. Legends! People say, don't they, that kids is one... I was told this before I had a child,

that it's one of the great, you know, pull-in things is to have a child. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. I don't find the smell of urine is that attractive to a lot of people, but anyway. What do you think of these bread rolls then, Frank? Well, I'm sort of half aware of that phenomenon of the ragged piece of white

bread but i've never really identified which is what all the best observations are about of course yeah i like i mean i'm very happy for those to be called skinners because they do look a bit like the inner um dermis of the rolls some detritus shouldn't it be something skin based or like a little bit of loose skin next to your nail or something like that? No. No? I'm happy with it being that. I'm a bit too literal. I'm happy with it being bread-based. Fine. Bread is a fascinating topic at the best of times,

am I right? Not in my house. You know when you get a slice left... I think you'll find it's a banned substance in my house. If we'd switched to the food programme on Radio 4 now... I've long been fascinated by when you get the the bobble in the sliced bread you know that you have a slice well the whole yeah well you have a slice and it's just a tiny indentation and then four slices further on it's a fully fledged it

looks like a little handbag you know you get a slice it looks like a handbag? Oh, dear, that's amazing. I met a sandwich once with one. Oh, congratulations. And I thought, well, I'm going to have to use the one with the hole. What did you do then? I throw those in the bin. I went a bit further down and found a fairly solid base. And I think it was a cheese and salad sandwich. And I put the one with the hole on the top and I'll tell you what it looked like.

If you can imagine lettuce, cheese and tomato looking through the rear window of an Austin A40. That was what it looked like. It's a shame you didn't have a nice firm boiled egg in there. You could have put that in the middle like a gala pork pie. Oh, yeah, but it'd be lumpy, wouldn't it? I used to have cheese and Brussels sprout sandwiches,

and they looked like they had myxomatosis. Not good. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in the corner, aren't we? The email corner. Morning, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. My theory, re...

By the way, I think I requested months ago that most of the emails contained re the something or other. So I'm glad to see that's finally been picked up. I'm happy with re. Happy with re. I love it. Chris Rea I used to like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Re the Rea.

Just you, though. Re the Rea. Just you though. Re the Rea I'd be worried to read that out. I've already had a pimply bottom I think during the talk of the sports day. My theory Re, the incidence, the high incidence of bad breath is that it's because people drink a lot more proper coffee these days.

That's true. And it leaves a nasty aftereffect. All right-thinking people drink tea. Kisses, Jenny. Can I just say, I think I might be slightly in love with Jenny. Oh, really? Because she's put kisses and she's got a re in the thing and she says proper coffee in inverted commas, which is a thing that I call it,

and she's saying all right, thinking people... It's my first crush on an emailer. Fantastic. My first ever. And my first snog was with a Jenny. There you go. I don't want to know that. Unfortunately, she's writing from a high-security prison.

But, you know, I was doing it. Nobody ticks every box, do they? No. I'd be prepared to overlook that, I think. I'm certainly with Jenny on the... You're a tea man, aren't you? I'm very much a tea man. I would be delighted to discover that coffee causes bad breath.

Because I think people need a warning. Because coffee is a seedy sort of... It's full of dark innuendo, isn't it? Can I be honest, Frank? I think you only drink coffee a little bit, just a little bit, to keep in with the cool crowd. I try to keep up with you guys. I have it skinny, I have it decaffeinated.

I'm barely touching coffee at all, but I just want to be part of the crowd. I know you do. But I do think that when someone says to you, do you want to come back for a coffee, you think, oh, my God. Yeah. I wish I was wearing cleaner underwear. Not ones that are from the market.

I wish I was wearing my matching bra and pants and not odd ones. Not just the first ones. I thought there's another day in this bra. You know, when you think that. But if someone says, do you want to come back for a cup of tea, you think, well, I'm safe here. This will basically be like an Ealing comedy. Oh, you lure them in.

Yeah. It's like the gay best friend who turns out to be straight. No, I'm not luring them. I think I am that nice, charming fellow with a nice cup of tea. You know, it's lovely. Coffee. Get lost. Also, what's weird about it, though... charming fellow with a nice nice cup of tea you know it's lovely coffee get lost uh-huh also what's weird about it though yeah shall we meet for a coffee is a bit sleazy it is definitely you're right why not just you know why not just say it where a fancy cup of tea is all right

there you go it's like that you know it's nice i think strangely though um sheriff roy coffee from bonanza had got lovely sweet breath whereas mr t sounds like a composty so you know life doesn't always you know it's not it's not foolproof they steer us you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from absolute radio Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. Many of you have. I hope more will. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show through the Abbey website. Abbey's what we call Absolute Radio here now. Abbey? Do we? It's a bit confusing actually. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People might think we're in some sort of monastic set-up. You wish.

Yeah, that'd be brilliant. Oh, I tell you what, old Chris Martin, he's back on the meat. Yes. Well, I've heard some words, some descriptions for it, for being single. No, he's back on... Hang on. He's back on the actuals meet yes now i heard this because yeah i think he spoke to steve right in the afternoon oh is he still on afternoons i'll make him sound like i think he's not like his name steve wright in the afternoon i always imagine that that's what he's actually called he's hyperlated yeah i like that we asked

if he was still on afternoons like like he's a minor is he on nights oh steve i think steve wright will be in the afternoon forever yeah yeah he's very fine the big cure i like so he uh chris said to steve right in the afternoon he said he admitted he'd taken up meat again he said i'd only eat something i could kill i'd kill a fish not a giraffe yeah does he mean without giraffe does he mean kill with his bare hands i believe he does do you yeah but the thing is he said if we all use that rule he said i don't know something that i could kill meaning like yeah i'll have i'll have fish even though i haven't killed it i just it was hypothetical wasn't it i I could kill it.

No, but does he mean I could physically... That's what I think, he could kill... I can't eat beef, because I'm not confident I'll be able to take a cow down on my own. That's a good point. I mean, how on earth would you kill a cow with your bare hands? I wouldn't know where to start. No. I'd punch it on the nose, see what happens.

That's only going to startle it momentarily. Sheep? What about a big strangle? Can you imagine trying to strangle a cow? You'd have to get on its back. Oh, no. Have they got horns and stuff? Oh, yeah.

Have they? What if they suddenly lay down? That's more aggressive than I thought. I thought they were quite placid. Well, none of you should try to strangle them. I mean, they're entitled to defend themselves. True. All right.

As regards the fish... When did you turn into the cow's PR? I eat a lot of tuna. Have you ever seen the cow's PR? It's like the cat's whiskers. It is. I think... Well, she thinks she's the cow's PR.

I think what she thinks she's the carers PR I think it's necessary to have a middleman for this kind of activity called a butcher or a hunter yeah but I suppose he's saying if I felt I could actually physically kill one with my

what about reality TV stars then I think you're going to suggest a reality TV in which Chris Martin did different species every week with his bare hands. Oh, I'd love that. Cold Slay. When you're like 40 more, 40 minutes

into the show, both covered in mud like in some pit. Him and an elk. Yeah. Both quite badly wounded. Ruby wax and a ringmaster's jacket announcing the winner. Sounds like good telly. We have to hope

that the album sales decline and that he starts doing that. That would be worth it. I was sad to hear that he'd returned to me. Oh, were you? Why? Seems like an act of betrayal to me. To Gwynny? To Gwynny.

I mean, full respect to Paul McCartney, he stuck with it. He's really stuck with it. Yeah, but they didn't consciously uncouple. True. No, no, but he had the opportunity. No, but this is what I'm saying. After a suitable period,

he could have started eating meat. No one would have condemned him for that. True. But no, he stuck with it. Whereas Chris Martin, he's all right, fly by night. Although you say that, but apparently stuck with it. Whereas Chris Martin is a right fly-by-night. Although you say that, but apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is not a vegetarian. Apparently

it's one of the things that they say about her in the tabloids in order to make her seem more eccentric and sort of mad. But her cookbooks have got chicken recipes in there. That's not vegetarian. I mean, I'm no expert. But that completely mixed up. You're not an expert on... I see you as our Gwynny Pig correspondent.

Oh, yeah. Well, I spend a lot of my time on the Goop website looking at what Gwynny's been saying, but... Well, I think meat is murder, as Morris said. When are we going for brunch? In fact, yeah. But I'm eating gluten-free nowadays. I also think wheat is murder. And I don't know if you're aware of my new restaurant, Sweet is Murder, which just sells dessert.

Oh, gosh. I mean, honestly, come and join us. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Christopher Martin. Christopher Martin. Not Christopher Martin Jenkins. No. Christopher Martin. He gave up his full handle. Not Christopher Martin Jenkins.

No. Christopher Martin. He's back on the meat. So he only gave up meat because of... Gwynny. Gwynny, and yet you're telling me she eats meat. I think she does. I think she... Very confusing information we're getting on the whole Martin setup.

But he's back on it. I like the fact that he's... I think maybe what it is is that she eats what she considers to be healthy meat and doesn't eat much meat and he's now going, oh yeah, I was a vegetarian. Maybe he was a vegetarian for years. I think he was in TGIs

now. I can't think about it. Getting the big juicy burger and he's turned down. We've got some flair. I'll bet. I suppose the whole thing is, when they got married, I thought, well, they're both so famous,

they don't need to marry a celebrity. That's true. But they're sort of married into different parts of celebrity. Yes. So, you know, he got, I suppose he gets invited to Robert De Niro's, is it dogfighting he's very big on? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he likes dogfight. Is it dogfighting he's very big on?

Yeah, he likes dogfight. They have dogfighting tournaments up in the hills there. And that kind of thing. And I suppose she thought, you know, music now... She gets a few tickets to Elbow. Yeah. Everyone's a winner. It's a bit cooler. Although she...

I don't know how cool. He's sort of respected rather than seen as cool, I think, isn't he? Yeah. She needed to marry, so, you know, Buster Rhymes. Do you think? I love that that's your idea of cool. That'd be difficult, though, because then her surname would be Rhymes, so she'd meet people and she'd say,

hello, Gwyneth Rhymes, and they'd say, with what? Gwyneth Rhymes with what? What does Gwyneth Rhymes with? Nothing. He's going to have his problems with all his marital liaisons, no, that's what? What's Gwyneth Ryne with nothing? He's going to have his problems with all his marital liaisons, really, isn't he? What, he's going to end up back on meat after them? No, Buster. Oh, right. Yeah, I don't know what Buster's status is, but...

Part of an investigation you're making. Marital, eh? He loves a kawawazi, eh, that? I know that. He loves, he can't get enough, Buster. True enough. Ricky laughs Yeah, he, um…

He wouldn't give up that for a marriage, would he? He wouldn't. No. Oh, no. He'd do anything for love, but he wouldn't do that. Ricky laughs No. I am, I have a bad habit of eating corned beef…

Do you? …slightly closer to my wife than is absolutely necessary… Oh, wow. …because I know she thinks it's disgusting. And she, in what I would consider... Does she buy it in the weekly shop or do you have to buy it? No, no, I buy it. Oh, you have to go out separately. That's all he asks for, can you imagine?

She's staunch, isn't she? In a retribution move, I consider, she wears a lip balm that she knows I find the taste of repellent. So when she gives me a goodbye kiss, sometimes she'll make eye contact and go, yeah, I've got that lip balm that you don't like on. What flavour is it then? Black, grey? It's horrible.

But I think if that was me, I would probably give up on the lip balm and just think, oh, well, I won't do that because my long-term partner for life has said that they don't like the taste of it. Why not just pick a different... How long have you been together, you and Mrs Cockrell? Thirteen years. The fact that you know what a lip balm tastes like

nowadays is nice. It's a great testament to your love. I just keep... I find it a bit poignant, if I'm honest. The idea of you going out, I'll have some Spam and a couple of Daily Express please Corned beef Oh yeah, is it corned beef?

But speaking of spam Spam, spam, spam I'll just recite that I'll put some adverts on first See what happens, they go into this cafe and there's a big list just all sorts of meals just have spam in them.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have one more slight marital food confession. We discussed Chris Martin going back on the meat after breaking up with Gwyneth. My wife has started to take photographs of food that I've prepared for myself and then send those photographs to her friend for them both to laugh at how basic and strange my food intake is.

I'll give you my phone, Emily Dean. You can just scroll through it. Are you sure you want to do that? When do you stop scrolling? There's like five or six in there. Can you paint us a picture? Basically a combination of leftovers. Are you familiar with the paint of

Bruegel? Yes. It's the sort of... Medieval snack. Yeah, that's a compliment. Yeah, some of them do look a bit medieval. Yeah, there's a lot of offal. No, there's only one bit of offal, actually, there's a lot of offal, is what I'll say. No, there's only one bit of offal, actually, and that's the... That's an apple that's gone off.

Frank, would you care to have a look? That one that looks like a kidney. And then scroll through using the scrolling function. Wow, see? The one that is offal was... We should say there's an egg with what appears to be tripe with it. No, there was three boiled eggs with some leftover cauliflower cheese, which I ate cold. What I do like is the one that looks like the leftover of the Loaves and the Fishies story from the New Testament.

Yeah. That is a kipper with about three pieces of cucumber on the plate. We had a slight argument about that because I felt that the dish wasn't completed. There was other salad to go on there. Can I just say the chopped egg with fish is one of the most depressing sights I've ever seen, partly because it's blurry. A blurred egg and fish. And the lamb chop with three beetroots looks like...

That's actually a chicken leg. Chicken leg and three... It looks like Goldilocks and the Three Bears post-nuclear attack. Oh, is that the issue? We must post these on our thing. I thought that was kidneys. These are all dishes that I sat and ate happily, by the way. None of this was done for comic effect.

It was just... But now, the trouble is now, it's like Ozzy Osbourne. He knows what people want. You're going to be thinking, oh, maybe I'll just go a bit wacky on this meal for a photo opportunity. Well, every now and again, I have said to her, I'm about to eat this. Do you want to have a look at it for the photo?

And occasionally, and I'm not lying now, occasionally she's looked at it and gone, nah, that's too nice. I won't bother. It looks too normal. So that's it. You'll feel that you have to go crazier. Push the boat out and have weirder and weirder. Push the gravy boat out. Next thing we know, you'll be in just have to go crazy. Push the boat out and have weirder and weirder. Next thing we know... Push the gravy boat out.

Next thing we know, you'll be in Je Suites. Je Suites. With some boulogne. You knock, Je Suites. But I'm still working on it. Je Suites, actually. Je Suites is my... That's the creepy bit.

Is my desserts-only restaurant, in case you're wondering. Restaurant. Which I'm about to... I'm working on. We're having meetings. Having meetings? Well, we're actually having sweetings, we call them. Sweet meetings. We are having some sweet meetings, but that's after.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We're going to sashay back, aren't we? Nice. Email Corner. Slightly Gaelic sounding harmony there. Yeah, I'm working on something

I picked up in the Hebrides. Oh, right. Dear Saturday Morning Entertainment, this is an email from Liam, prisoner 022. OK. He's no Jenny to me, but whatever. Dear Saturday Morning Entertainment,

long-term listener, medium-term reader, first-time emailer. I can see you and her with your hands together on the perspex. Oh, I can. Me too. Oh, it's always a moment, isn't it, in those films when they visit.

She wouldn't mind my corned beef breath, would she, Jenny? She'd be fine with it. And they'll come round and they'll say, no touching. They do that. Fine with that too. Last week, you were discussing hotels

subtly adding items to the bill when you take them away after you... I'd love to do that with a cab driver. ...after a stay. Would a cab driver do that if I put my hand... If I put my hand on the person? Turn around and make lingering

eye contact. Scene from Titanic in the car. Sorry. Yes, we were discussing hotels subtly adding items. This is when we were discussing whether or not it's fine to take magazines and stuff. It's where the limit. We felt we could have shampoos

and stuff, but magazines we thought were wrong. I wasn't sure about that. I admitted that I have taken the wallpaper from a hotel. And when I say that, I mean the magazine, the wallpaper. I'm not that stingy. Yeah. That I'm taking the wallpaper. I imagine if I bought your house when I got there,

you would have taken the wallpaper. Oh, no, we've painted, darling. Hi. Who's this character, darling? Appeared to be doing the show as craig revel hallward he did he did one sitcom there he's missed the theatrical profession indeed at a lovely rainforest lodge in borneo after a small engined canoe trip wow i love this is like so heart of darkness yeah i not the easiest place to sneak away from, that's what he's pointing out.

I saw a price list for room items and accessories which beats them all. Slippers, check. Bathrobes, check. Bedsheets, also available. And then, air conditioning unit. Only £200. I didn't inquire further if it may have needed a separate compressor. I wanted to ask my wife but she didn't let me.

Might not have been a bad price for what looked in great condition. I spent the next day wondering how it would be handed over and whether they had a supply of new in-box ones in a back room somewhere or if a handyman would come along and remove it from the wall before it was wrapped in brown paper and string.

Liam's prisoner. I believe it's called MIB, isn't it? MIB? Mint in box. Mint in box, right. Going for the eBay version of this. Whatever happened to my... I bought an acre of rainforest.

Did you? Yeah. Did you? It was... I got a certificate to say that... Was it on your fridge like all the other ones you bought? To say that I own it. Who was that child you adopted, Frank? Rainforest.

You adopted a child? Oh, yes, I adopted an African. That was a bit of a... What was his name again? He was called... Well, he might be listening. Oh, OK. You have mentioned it before on the show.

OK, he's called Agreement Phineas. But I didn't keep up my... That isas. But I didn't keep up my... That is genuinely true. I didn't keep up my payments very well. There were more difficult times for me than I was. I lived a more hedonistic life and I forsook him. And so he sent me some photos and all that you know of him in the African village and I sent them on

I kept it going for about 14-15 months and then I just drifted away it's not good I'm not proud of it ok still in the corner oh we're very much in the muller Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Still in the corner.

Oh, we're very much in the muller. Good morning. Given that at least two of you are performing in Edinburgh this August, I'll be in, why don't you? You could unleash your fantastically titled show that someone suggested, Dean There Done That. Yeah. Oh, no, you don't. Sadly, one of the promoters have passed done that. Oh no you don't. Sadly there's one and the promoters have passed on it.

I don't know why. What about Oh no you deant? Oh. It's a bit je suis Well let's not look at it. Nobody can make it quite as creepy as you can. You know they laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said

the world was round. That's because he wore awful clothes. Anyway. I thought they were all right in context. OK. They all laughed at when Edison recorded sound. Mm-hm. Carry on. As Mike in Edinburgh was saying...

Mike in Edinburgh, OK. All of you have a professed love of a finely worked pun, and you're performing in Edinburgh. Could you give me your thoughts on the following? I've been flicking through this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe brochure. Slow week. One of the unavoidable games that you get dragged into on reading the brochure is who's incorporated the best pun into their show title.

OK. Judging whether it's a well-crafted pun or an unnecessary crowbarred pun this made me wonder if in the past either alan or frank has used a pun tour or show title in the past and what it was i note that neither of your shows this year do so but this has not put me off booking both no that's nice that's fabulous it's him is it yeah yeah yeah i got i got a sales report this week as well that mentioned him mentioned him by name i find it so i wanted to send a personal thank you i find it hard to believe that between the both of you there aren't at least a couple yeah Yeah, I've never really named a tour until... How do you call it, Frank Skinner?

I just call it, yeah, Frank Skinner. Abinya? Life. That's what I used to call it. Not much of a pun, is it? I've had tour titles, but no puns, because I just don't think my name, Alan Cochran, lends itself to... And a lot of people in this year's Fringe programme have used their name.

There's someone called Romesh that has got a show called Rom Wasn't Built in a Day. Oh, that's quite good. There's... I can't remember the others now, but there's loads of name puns. Tim Vine is excellent. He's gone for Tim Timiny, Tim Timiny, Tim Timiny. Right. Which I think takes it and raises it. I tell you, all that would put me off is if I was texting a friend saying,

shall we go and see? Tim, Tim, any Tim? I feel like I could be bothered. Too many characters. I think you'd say Tim Vine, wouldn't you? Yeah. So you can see Tim Vine show. But my name doesn't really lend itself to that.

What I was thinking of doing is having a post where I look like Macaulay Culkin and calling the show Home Allen. Oh, that's good. I think you'd be quite a good macaulay calkin as well also with the spellings you could get away with home alan you'd have to pronounce it you'd have to say to the people selling the tickets please could you pronounce it home alan and the only other time it'd be worth it. Yeah. Maybe if you get sponsored by a Joe Malone. Yes. I'm not sure.

With the greatest respect, she'd be that interested in sponsoring Alan's Edinburgh show. If you're suggesting... She's a perfumier. I just don't think the brand association... I love that she's a perfumier. That's something you don't often hear. She's a perfumier! An angry tone of voice.

I like Home, Alan. I think you sound serious if you think about that. You're pronouncing it wrong. It's got to be Home-a-lan. Home-a-lan. I'm not sure it does. It does. I'm just relaxing at the moment.

If I make a formal announcement about it, I'll say Home-a-lan. Don't sound Arabic. Suddenly the name Alan, when you put the U in it, it gets weird when you've said it about it does the only other time my name has remotely worked for a pun was uh when i was a kid and uh socrates scored a great goal for brazil and you remember there was like the commentary of go socrates when i was playing the next day in the next few weeks i would score a goal on in the playground and then run around going, Goal for Cockerities!

That worked. That's not your name, though. But it doesn't really work. It's near enough, isn't it? Good pick here, Banny. That's a good try. He was at school, for goodness sake. You can see why he went back to school this week.

To relive that moment. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner., Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Are we still there? Oh, we're still in the corner. Yeah.

I tell you what, we didn't finish Mike in Edinburgh's email. Can I, before we... I had a T-shirt which I got specially made for Room 101. I don't think it made the cut in the end. I guess I never thought it would. We were talking about someone wanted to put in slogan T-shirts. I think it was Josh Widdicombe, you know, T-shirts with slogans on. So I had a T-shirt made that said slogan on the front of it,

which I quite liked anyway as an idea. On the back of it, I had a picture of the 1960s wrestling bad boy, Steve Logan. So it was S. Logan on the back. Lovely. How many people do you think would have got that? Part of us out on the street. No one's mentioned it yet. I've worn it a couple of times.

About half a percent of the population. Well, if anyone mentions it, obviously I'll give them the game away now. Oh, yeah. That'll be four people who'll listen, doing it. Did you say he had an addendum? Yeah, he did. Mike in Edinburgh says, On a punning note, I drove along the M8 motorway

between Glasgow and Edinburgh a couple of weekends ago behind a van of a bathroom-fitting company that brilliantly named Bonnie Tyler. To date, that is my favourite pun of the year. Finally, thanks to Emily, Alan and Steve for the suit advice on the show a couple of months ago. I actually got that job

so I'm doubly grateful. There you go. I think our advice was get one that fits. It's not that complicated, is it, really? As advice goes. You often see people who've got that wrong. Oh, dear. Let's not that complicated, is it, really, as advice goes? No, but you often see people who've got that wrong. Oh, dear. Anyway, let's not even go there. Let's not dwell on it.

Have we got time for another email, do you think, Daisy? What do you think? No, Daisy's saying, no, I'm not interested. Forget about it. Yeah. She's looking a bit bored into the middle distance. She is. Like catalogue pose.

She's got the same expression that I had during the... ...act of the O2 this week. Oh, so glad I didn't see that. Yeah. Well, I said the... I loved the show. It was... It was brilliant.

If you get a ticket for Monty Python, go. Just accept the kangaroo. We all make mistakes. Simple as that. Yeah, he'll bounce back. I mean, it's absolutely... I feel like I want to get him in again for that one, but that was excellent.

I'm not going to try and top that. And, you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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