The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Sworn enemies

Episode Date: August 9, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The team are at the Edinburgh Festival and Frank recalls his experience of The Amazing Mr Bubbles. The team also discuss an old feud between Sly and Arnie and a couple who have renewed their vows in an unconventional way.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text the show on 8 12 15? Or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You've been reading a lot of children's stories recently. I've been reading a lot of Dr Seuss this week.

So I find if I'm talking to someone and it's not rhyming, I feel strangely unnerved. I don't really like Dr Seuss. Really? The food combos make me feel a bit sick. What, you don't like green eggs and ham? I do. There's a character in Green Eggs and Ham called Sam I Am.

Correct. Now, does that mean that Will I Am is named on that? I never got that. Yeah, it's his brother. Huh? Okay. They're both like a jaunty hat. Are they one of the Illini I Ams? Named on that. I never got that reference. Yeah, it's his brother. Oh. OK. They're both like a jaunty hat. Are they one of the Illinois I Ams?

Yeah, that's right. OK. Have you seen names after Sam I Am? I don't think so. How's the cockerel going to know? It sounded very knowledgeable about... He's a Scottish man, Yorkshire-based, Manchester-based. Yes. But, you know, I think of him as...

You're right, elderly. You went to drama school. I bet you played the cat in the hat, didn't you? No, I don't think we did that. I just know it from, you know, reading it. That's how I've done much of my learning. What parts did you mainly play at drama school, if it's not a rude question?

I think they tried to shuffle me off, as if to go, oh, we think you might be a stand-up anyway. Oh, really? Didn't you tell me you played Dr. Fu Manchu in the oriental crime thriller? I think

she said you still got the moustache. Yeah. I think I told you that off-air, didn't I? Oh, sorry. And that's me that's still got the moustache. Yeah. I think I told you that off-air, didn't I? Oh, sorry. Was I supposed to... And that's me that's still got the moustache. Oh, well, yours... Yeah, but yours is not long and droopy.

I mean, full respect to you, it's still bristling like a... It is. Can I say it isn't if you're listening in horror? It isn't. If you hear anything rubbing against the microphone, that'll be my unshaven face. That's how close I like to get

to the readers. Exactly. I wouldn't have been able to get myself a boyfriend starring in an award-winning HBO drama if I had a moustache. Well, I don't know. I don't know if you ever saw Carnivale, which I believe was HBO, but there was a bearded woman

in that who I thought was quite hot but she would be under all that lot and I once met a photographer woman with a goatee which I thought looked quite I think it could be I like the idea of a photographer woman

photographer woman because obviously when I said photographer, everyone at Almond has thought, well, I wonder what he was like. And I was making a point about their stereotypes. There's no comedian word for photographer, is there? Photographess. Yeah, exactly.

No, a photographess is, I don't know what that is. It's a confessional photographer. I think it's a pictorial representation of an eastern hat. Well, I've had this news just in. Oh, whoa. Alan, you played a blinder last night, bruv. Oh, thanks very much. That's from Will Bowie, who is obviously at your gig.

Oh, nice. Thank you. Nice. Still waiting for your phrase to come in, Frank. Yeah, I don't think you're going to get much for last night. Oh, no. I don't know, it's all right. But you don't want that, do you? Saw you last night, Oh, no. I didn't ask you that. It's all right. But you don't want that,

do you? Saw you last night, Frank. All right. You don't want that. No. You don't want that. I want a bit more than that.

That's the trouble. You always want a bit more, don't you? Don't you agree? Yeah. Definitely. I did some, I did a TV show last night.

Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you in a minute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, I did Edinburgh Night with Sue Perkins last night. Well, I know, because I was in the audience.

Of course you were. I forgot that. I was going to see Old Jewish Jokes. Yeah. And Cass said... I wish you wouldn't call Dave. Well, Cass said, come and see Frank instead. So I went to see Old Birmingham Jokes. Yeah. And Cass said... Well, she wouldn't call Dave. Well, Cass said, come and see Frank instead. So I went to see old Birmingham jokes. Yeah.

It was... I don't know. I really... Sue Perkins. I love Sue Perkins. Yes. There was quite a bit of dancing on it. Oh, yeah. Because Pamela Stephenson Connolly was on. So we discussed... I felt I came out as a bit of an old grump

on the dancing front can I say I thought you came out with dignity oh thanks I hate dancing I think most bright people do and maybe I should have held that back I don't know did you leave with that

am I allowed to say what you said? Yeah, well, it's on the telly. OK. They kept it in? Well, maybe they didn't. At one point, Pamela Stevenson Connolly, is it Connolly Stevenson or Stevenson Connolly? Anyway, let's call the whole thing...

Let's call her Pammy. Yeah. She said to Frank, would you care to dance? And Frank went, Frank sat there, sort of had his hands in his lap barely looked at her and said, I'd rather eat glass. Well I think actually I said glass. Yeah, you said glass.

No, I just can't. And also, I'd made my one interesting point about dance and then they said, oh, sorry, we've got a sound problem, can we do that bit again? Of course, I would never repeat a joke in front of the same audience. So was your one interesting point that no clever people want to do it?

No, no, I think everybody knows that. It's that one, I think you probably know, that the way to do the lambada is you have to imagine that you have a pencil in your bottom. All right. And with a point outwards. And that you're drawing a figure eight. Oh, yeah.

You demonstrated it. I did, and it does. When you demonstrate it, when you think about it, you just have to lambada. You can't stop yourself. I was saying I do autographs like that sometimes for a novelty. You can't be totally sure what's, you know, but it's not right in the dark.

They had a zombie on the show as part of it. There was a bit of a skit. Yeah. And they had a man dressed as a zombie and they cut to him and he had all blood coming out of his mouth. He was sitting in the audience. It's a good little trick, but the problem is he then had to stay sitting in the audience with us.

Well I did because he got quite into it and he forgot that he was a zombie and he crossed his legs and started checking his phone. Oh. He checked his phone? He checked his phone and he had a lot to think about. There's so much wrong with that. Not only is the living dead but there was a show going on. To be honest the living dead get a signal

in Edinburgh and I can't. That doesn't seem fair. No. How's he got a signal? Frank, what about Ladysmith's Black Man Barzo? Yeah, they were... They came out. Which one were they? They were the ones at the end, yeah. I was...

They were telling me that... Which one were they? They were the 12-piece choir from South Africa. You couldn't miss them. Yes, but apparently someone was telling me, I was talking to one of their people, that there's four of them are like cousins and four are brothers, and they're all related, more or less.

It's like Mrs Brown's boys. Oh, yeah, they're related, aren't they? Yeah, they're all family. I think it's probably the only way in which Lady Smith's Blackman Barcer is like Mrs Brown's boy. But, yeah, I can't think of another off the top of my head, but that's this morning's texting.

In what other ways are Lady Smith's Black Mombasa like Mrs Brown's Boys, other than they are all related? But yeah, I like the idea of a family band. They like a shift, do you, Nick? Oh, the bickering, though. There must be bickering. Well, in any band, you get that. It's not like you don't get it in a band if they're not related.

You think it'd be like the Oasis en masse, you think? There's four brothers in Lady Smith's Black Man Bazaar, and there's only two in Oasis, and that was unsustainable long term, wasn't it? I know, but some brothers get on a treat, you know.

Some brothers, yeah. The thing with the dancing thing, you know this thing as they say, true freedom is to dance. You dance like there's no one watching. That's what you're supposed to do. Oh yeah, yeah. Obviously.

For a Catholic, you can't, for me there's always someone watching. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, what about this girl who was washing my hair this week and she said to me, Oh, I love Frank Skinner. I loved it when he did Room 101.

I wish he did it. What do I say to that? That's a bit odd. Yeah. I haven't got over the fact she was washing your hair. Do you mean, was she in a salon? Yeah, in a salon. OK.

No, I think her emphasis was... Not on the boss. I loved it when Frank Skinner did it. That's weird. Yeah. Perhaps she's heard something. Perhaps she works at the BBC and she's seen a memo. Washing hair there.

Who's doing it now? Lady Smith's Black Mambazo doing it collectively. I hate it when people wash your hair when you're on the boss and people behind you suddenly realise they're washing your hair. It's one of my pet hates. We had a text in as well. Never properly rinse. No.

That's the trouble. We're pranksters. Go on. We had a text in. We're pranksters. Go on. We had a text in. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. There's nothing more irritating than someone trying to get you to dance by insisting you want to, really. My hatred

of dancing isn't just a clever ruse so I can then surprise people at a later date with my incredible dance skills, I assure you. Who's that from? That's from 218, of course. OK. 218 sounds slightly furious. Do we think 218 is a lady? I don't know.

Because men don't get asked that often to dance. You did last night. I did, yeah, but I think that sent out a message. The thing is that you can't really do that thing of dance like nobody's watching if you're doing it on telly, can you? It seems like you're assuming it's going to get terrible ratings. It goes against the comedian thing, doesn't it, to do something like there's no-one watching

when you're just desperate for someone to watch it. If you're a borderline national treasure, there's always someone watching. Of course there is. Another thing I mentioned on this show, which I think no-one believed me on that thing, was I've been trying to find a show, a children's show that's suitable for a two-year-old. Yes. I'm up with Boz, my son who's two.

And I looked in and they nearly all start at three, four. You know, that's the age range. Oh, really? Okay. That's the age range. Oh, really? Okay. Except for one called... It's called Death... Now, Doc Death and the Tulip. And it says age range two to seven.

Oh. And it says... It begins the description, a doc strikes up an unlikely friendship with death. In my Bergman film. Death with a capital D. It's a unlikely friendship with death. In my Bergman film. Death with a capital D. It's a personification of death. This is starting at two.

Yeah. And up. So I haven't taken him. Yeah. I'm not holed up on that one. I think it must be tempting if you're putting your age range in to sort of, you don't want to tell people not to come. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. I mean, I don't know about you I use an IQ range on my listings. Do you? Yeah. And I think people are completely ignoring it. Based on the evidence of the... I tell you what, I am getting a lot of children in. No.

It's your shows. Yeah, I mean, a lot. I've had... Well, the other night... What age are we talking? Well, my record, if you call it that... Careful. My record, the other night there was a couple in and they had a seven-year-old and a three-year-old.

With them? Yes. At your show? Yes. Which just for the avoidance of doubt contains quite adult content. Yeah. Yeah. Seven and three. Wow. I think they have to pay for a ticket as well.

So they had to pay for a ticket for them. And I thought about I think what it's about is that a ticket is cheaper than childcare. Oh yeah. Because my manager went out and said, excuse me,

but I don't think this would be appropriate for the... And let's face it, that's unlike him. Yeah. Well, they paid. And the woman said, she said, oh well, they'll be asleep soon. Don't worry about it. Which is not the kind of review I dreamt of.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about people bringing children along to your show. We were talking about the lovely tweeners. We were, yeah. Yeah, we were. And I... And you disapproved.

I do, I strongly disapprove. I think they should be in bed at that hour. But we've had the text from 2 and 8 again, actually. My dad took my sister and I to see Craig Charles live when we were seven and five. Wow. I think they should be in bed at that hour. But we've had a text from 218 again, actually. My dad took my sister and I to see Craig Charles live when we were seven and five. Wow. Can I just say, I love that dad. The show was completely inappropriate.

I bet it was. See, mine's only partial. Mine's inappropriate, I'd say, for about, what, 60%? Yeah. Can that be the title of your next show? I think everyone has to have something really offensive as the title of your next show? I think we're about 60%. I think we're going to have to have something really offensive as the title of my next show to stop people bringing children. It won't work.

It won't work. Anyway, it's against medical advice. That's what I'm going to do after my foot thing. Oh, that's a good one. Nugget has texted us. Frank, one of our regulars. Hiya, Nugget. Good morning, Frank. If I may ask, having bought a house with a garden,

do you now have your very own tree against which you can sit and feel the bark against your back, which I recall is one of your simple pleasures, and will they prove suitable for Buzz to climb when he's bigger? That's from Nugget. Well, it is... You're quite right. I think I feel at my most blissed out

when I'm sitting with my back against a tree. Oh, wow. Oh. Like Baloo. You know when Baloo scratches his back? Yeah. That's when you're listening to your Orb albums, though. I don't mean Baloo, the boy band.

No. I mean that big bear character. It's a jungle book. It's a jungle book. Yeah. But we don't. I'm sort of, I've had some... I've planted some.

Planted trees? Yeah. Some trees? Good luck waiting for those. But I think by the time I'm able to sit and scratch my back on them... No. I'm going to have the problem because my coffin will be between me and the actual trough. That's nice.

You could grow your own coffin. That'd be good. Well, I suppose, in a way, I could, yeah. But I don't know how long that's going to take. Yeah, I suppose I could have one that was sort of out in plan. You know, bamboo is very fast-growing, so you could grow that and just use that as a backscratcher. Oh, backscratcher.

Yeah. I've got a backscratcher, actually. Somebody brought me back from holiday, and I'll tell you what's fascinating about it it's a back scratcher on one end and a shoe horn on the other do you know that's one of my slight phobias back scratcher, you know when they're shaped like a hand

it makes me feel physically sick it makes me feel physically sick they didn't run the whole thing what they should have done on this one this is shaped like a hand does it have a clasp thing that goes up and down and the hand opens and closes formed at the little finger slightly slightly bent outwards but what they should have done is they should have gone for

a flattened hand for the shoehorn yeah at the other end so you had two hands a left and a right that would have been very clever but they've just gone traditional shoehorn. And that's why so many of these things fall flat at the design stage. Yeah, the backscratcher business could do with a complete overhaul. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. Texting subject line fantasy football team names. Been sitting in that inbox for 18 years, apparently. You'd think so. Does it say anything? Is it worth repeating? well it would have been in 1997 no I don't mean to be

we love you getting involved it's from Dan you turned that round beautifully you'd never have known it was seamless yeah we love you so much we're just going to read the title and then mock it is that what you're up to? well that's what I do with both of your shows

that's not true I did actually of your shows, to be fair. That's not true. I did actually go and see Alan Cochran's show, Frank. Yeah. Because I did yours. Any good? You've got to do Daddy Bear's first. Any good?

I'm here. I'm sorry, I forgot you were here. You've got to get Daddy Bear's show out the way with first. Oh, no, I agree. I went to see Alan's show a couple of nights ago. I loved it. OK. I thought it was fabulous.

Can I just say, though? Was it... Was it better than mine or worse? Oh! Don't ask me questions like that. It's shorter, that's for sure. Oh! Well, both of you... Well, mine's extended by laughter. Mine wasn't that night, that's for sure.

It was. Both of you, I would say, didn't do great on the recognisability factor I didn't get recognised you know that's how I judge a show whether it was good or not if people say oh you're Emily I once saw Shirley Bassey

I think it was at Empire Paul Wembley and she introduced Danny LaRue in the audience and he stood up and a spotlight went on him. And maybe I should have done that. Can I be honest? It's fine, wasn't it?

There is a part of me, I'm going to be completely honest, there is a part of me, whenever I go to your show, and I hope you'll do that, I think a spotlight might go on me. I honestly thought that the last time. I thought you might say, well, and I couldn't do it without Emily, who's here tonight. And then I'll stand up and everyone will applaud me.

Well, that would be... Is that too much to ask? No, no, not at all. I mean, I normally just reserve it for LaRue. As Shirley Bassey did. But no, I'd be happy to do that. Well, let me know where you're sitting next time and I'll have a word with the lighting man. Thank you very much, yeah.

Needs about three hours prep for that for me. I have a word with the lighting man. Thank you very much yeah, needs about three hours prep for that for me. I had a pint at Alan's show. What? You had a pint? Well I just felt I should Too much a pint. Oh I was trying to fit in and be laddy I've said to you before, I look at men now with a pint and think

that's a lot isn't it I do, I think that's a lot to drink, you're going to drink all that? Great big glass of liquid. What do you want all that for? That's what I always think. Look at that lot. You're going to drink that?

On your own? On your own? Yeah, yeah. We'll get a shared pint like a big pizza. Like a pig at a trough. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Frank, what about when I was at Alan Cochran's show, at the stand, tickets still available, and I said to the lady, I've got some tickets. She went, you still have to queue. I said, no, I won't. Oh, dear. I actually said, no, I won't.

And I didn't. Oh, didn't you? It's the end of that story. Respect. Who won that battle? Yeah, didn't we? We've had a text in. That's another yes voter.

We've had a text saying, Annika Rice was praising Frank's show on her Radio 2 programme this morning oh that's so cute that's so cute I saw her last night very lovely Annika Rice what do you mean you saw her last night? the show ends at half ten

she was in a green room lovely we once shared a golf buggy at Ski Bow Castle the grounds off me, Annika Rice we once shared a golf buggy at Skibo Castle the grounds off really? lovely me, Annika Rice and Koo Stark

remember Koo Stark? no she went out with Prince Andrew in the 80s when we were in Skibo I don't know if you've ever been to Skibo Castle it's where Madonna got married yes it's a very ornate place. And we went into one of the rooms

and there was like quite an elaborate ladies dressing table and Koo Stark sat down and I picked up a Victorian, ornate Victorian hairbrush and I brushed Koo Stark's long lustrous... There was other people there.

It sounds like the worst adult film in the world. Yeah, I brushed Kustak's long lustrous... There was other people there. It sounds like the worst adult film in the world. Yeah, I brushed her long lustrous hair. Do you know what? Three months later, it's in the paper, she's pregnant. Is that right? Can you get that from a hairbrush? I don't think so. Sounds like she might be up to other stuff.

If anyone knows that, there's any fertility stroke hairdresser people listening, give us a shout. I met the amazing Bobble Man. fertility stroke hairdresser people, isn't it? Give us a shout. I met the amazing Bobble Man. Do you know him? No, I don't know him. He does a show called The Amazing Bobble Man.

Wow. Is it eponymous? It is. He's an extremely eponymous character. Why don't I do that? Why don't I call my show The Hilarious Frank Skinner. Why don't I do that? Why don't I call my show The Hilarious Frank Skinner? Why don't I change my name? I could change my name.

You know, Marvellous Marvin Hagler, the boxer, did that. So people would have to say, no, ladies and gentlemen, The Hilarious Frank Skinner. That would be... You could just write your own reviews. What does he do? Does he wash cars? Well, he does a lot of bubble-based stuff. I had an interesting conversation with him, and then I went to check out his show,

so I'll give you the details in half a month. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, playing the greatest hits. Oh, actually, I think I've read the slogan of the radio station that we're at. We are, so we're not really playing the greatest hits. Anyway, I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or

eel, eel, eel, eel mail the show. If you put a small note on a moray eel, and point it northwards, it should get up here before the end of the hour. It's good for those people that have moved past what they call snail mail, isn't it,

which is what they call the post now, isn't it? Is that what they call it? Snail mail. Yeah, then when the post is gone completely, those people look back and wish there hadn't been so disparity. Yeah, but then they'll be using eel mail that you've just coined. Yeah, but how long is that going to last? Good point.

I mean, they're slippery, the best of times. Very good. Before you return to your amazing bubble man story, I just thought I might... It's a shame, really, because we don't really read as many crazy texts and emails as we get, but... That's good, isn't it? Yeah, it is, but I'm going to read you a text that you may not appreciate.

I mean, there's a sting in the tail for me, too. Frank, you informed us at your amazing show last night that you have 90 suits. I really think you should rephrase that and make it 89. It's time to say goodbye to last night's suit. Emily, you need to be keeping a closer eye on him. Oh, it's collective responsibility. It's like the England team. I'm wearing it today. Uh-oh. Oh, no's collective responsibility. It's like the England team. I'm wearing it today. Uh-oh.

Oh, no. I didn't know that when I read this. He continues, or she continues, Alan, so are your show too. Good show, rubbish crowd. Oh, that's down with faint prayers. Emily, what night were you there? So there we go.

That's suggesting you could be part of a rubbish crowd. Exactly. I was actually there on Thursday night, I believe. Well, I think that suits perfectly. It's my favourite kind of suit, actually. It was free. It's a sort of chocolate brown, isn't it? No, no.

It's grey. It's grey. I had a grey suit. A guy came up to me the other day in a cafe and said... That's one of Frank's little funny words, isn't it? A cafe. You're working for the post office there, Frank. And I used to have a grey suit in the old days.

I used to keep a card in my pocket that said on it, which I wrote, and it said, congratulations, you're the 1,000th person to do the post office joke. If anyone mentioned it, I used to get it out. But then in England, I think they went to Blue, the insignia, they called it. Oh, they've got baseball caps and all sorts now. Yeah, oh, God, it's all gone a bit wrong. Jim Davidson wouldn't like it. Maybe they're still great.

Anyway, the amazing Bubble Man. So I said, he said, well, if you got a kid, I met him at a, I was doing BBC breakfast. There was him and some people dressed as dinosaurs. Oh, that doesn't sound depressing. No, they were fabulous, actually. And he was doing very big bubbles. And that's what he does, the amazing bubble man.

I would hope so, with that name. He wants to get a name change otherwise. If you went to see him, he didn't do any bubbles. Didn't even refer to it. I'd love him if he did that. Yeah. Well, I wondered, because he said to me, do you have any kids?

And I said, yeah, I've got a two-year-old up here with me. He said, oh, I was going to say bring him to the show, but two's a bit young. No. Did you say, oh, I was going to say bring him to the show, but two's a bit young. No. Did you say, no, he's going to see The Dock and Death or whatever? The Dock and Death is a lovely pub down our road, just next to the funeral directors. No, I thought it was a bit too young for the Bob-O-Man.

Really? What's his demographic? I wondered if the Bob-O-Man, I think this is his seventh year, I wonder if it's like, you know your modern comedians now, your young comics, feel they have to do a theme in which they talk about the death of a grandparent or something like that, as well as comedy. I wonder if he's doing, you know, if he's had a marriage break-up and he's doing it in, you know, telling the story through bubbles.

Bubble form. Yeah, I'm doing something that's a bit more, I've, telling the story through bubbles. Bubble form. Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing something that's a bit more, I've sort of moved on a bit this year. Yeah. I don't want the two-year-old. And I thought, you know, what the, you know, bubbles. Surely the universal language. You can't do an adult bubble routine.

I'd already... Well, you can. I'd already decided. But that's a very different show. Yeah, well, I'd already planned to go and see him. I must admit, I misread it as booblay at that point.

But we did go. We went and saw the Bobble Man. I'll give you my thoughts on it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Yeah, so speaking of amazing. So I went to see the amazing Bobo Man and he blew a lot of big bubbles. But I don't know if, I don't think he'd have probably, I'd get the feeling at the end

of it he thought, oh, didn't quite go today. You know, a lot of bubbles burst quite early on. Oh. You know when you blow a bubble? Yeah. You get, you know, your normal bubbles with the circular thing. And sometimes you pick up and you're blown, it just goes. Yeah.

And there's nothing. He had a few of those, but obviously on quite a grand scale. Oh. I wondered how much his act was affected by atmospherics. Yeah. Yeah. You know, air temperature, heat, cold. Does he do material as well, or does he just blow the bottle?

No, no, he does mainly bubbles. He does a little bit, but it's a soapy experience all round. Was it just you and Kath then? No, no, there was a lot of children there. And he gets people up on stage, you know, kids and stuff. Oh, OK. And he got a little girl up there, Nadine, she was called, very sweet. And I think she was one that was very keen to get up there.

As soon as she got up there, she thought, oh, not sure about this, you could tell she wasn't happy. I so identified with that experience. You know, but you have to stay. She realised you have to stay, which we all realise, ultimately. But, yeah, there was a lot of that. But it was, you know, it was very, if you like bubbles, I'd recommend it.

How about that? That's a poster quote for next year for a minute. If you like bubbles, I'd recommend it. Yeah about that? That's a poster quote for next year for a minute. If you like bubbles, I'd recommend it. Yeah, exactly. The Amazing Bubble Man. If you don't like bubbles, I mean, you'd hate it. No. I think even he would admit that.

If you don't like bubbles, it'll be a letdown. Yeah. But there was a lot of burst bubbles that day. Yeah. There was one hole, there was like two sticks with string on, and he stood in front of a fan blowing. And it was all set for the biggest

bubble. And he stood there and the fan blew and he held the thing and went and then he did it again out the bucket and he went and he did it again and it went and he said oh, just put it down again. That was, I thought the bubbles burst, that's what I thought.

Yeah. But I didn't say it. Oh, Frank, we've had a request. Don't suppose there's any chance of an FM tuner so we can listen offline? Get the address and I'll put one in a jiffy. Yeah, that'd be good. So I'd reckon, I mean, Buzz liked it, I think. Oh, did he?

Yeah, he mentioned it a couple of times after. I like that he went to see that. That's like when I went to see my first 18 movie when I was 14. Him going to see that bubble man. Yeah, but it was, I didn't feel, you know, oh God, it's a bit old. In what way do you feel it wouldn't have been appropriate for a two-year-old? I don't know, there was that long speech about immigration in the middle.

Oh, yeah. Which I thought, well, it was borderline. Let's call it that way. And then there's the whole thong interlude. Let's not even go there. I mean, don't get me wrong, it included bubbles. It wasn't just that.

It showed, you know, one bubble represented one nation and the other. Right, yeah. Nice. Yeah, but that was a weird bit. I'll tell you about that bit. But I think it's good he's trying new stuff. Yeah, me too. But, yeah, I felt very uncomfortable during that bit.

Yeah, I went to the museum as well, the National Museum of Scotland. Oh, yeah. Oh, lovely. In Edinburgh. Very good. Regular haunts, is it not? Well, I filmed there recently, and that made me realise that it could be a great place to take a child.

I love a museum. It's such a Disney movie waiting to happen. Yes. Well, I tell you what, what Boz really liked movie waiting to happen Yes, well there was a I'll tell you what Buzz really liked was the stuffed animal through I don't think it's called that I think it's called Natural History but it is a lot of stuffed animals

My plan was to take him to Edinburgh Zoo while he was up here but I'm thinking now they aren't in a way they're better stuffed Yeah to look at They might be hiding if you go to the zoo. Well, that's it.

That thing when they... I hate the fact that they have their own living quarters that they can stay. They've got plans, animals. But who had that idea? We'll have a zoo, but we'll make it optional for the animals. Don't talk to me about the bears, Frank. They can have their living quarters,

and if they don't feel like coming out. I mean, we all have to work, do you know what I mean? What if I don't feel like going out one day? Am I supposed to? They must feel like the people watching are papping them. It must be like you feeling papped. Yeah, but if people came to the show and they could just see, like, say, my leg

just behind the curtain and I never come out for the whole show. Yeah. You know, the way they don't. Or there's just like a big branch on stage and a couple of stones, and they're looking to see if I'm in there somewhere, but they can't find me. I'd actually love that. People would be outraged by that, I think.

They'd get away with it. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Yes, I'm honestly thinking, having, you know, I'm not saying I won't go to the zoo, but I think there are definite pluses with the stuffed animals. That's never occurred to me before. They don't smell.

As I say, they're out there. You know, you get a show. It's not cruel. Well. What, the stuffed animals? I think, I mean, surely you can say it's not cruel now, now that they've been stuffed.

No, they're dead. Yeah. I think they stuff them dead. Yeah. What are you suggesting? But, I mean... They stuff them alive to keep them vibrant. No, but once upon a time, those animals would have been...

Yeah, he's worrying how their passing came about. Yeah, yeah, they might well have been killed for a museum back in the day. Do you think so? No. Yeah. I think there was a natural causes disclaimer card... You think? ...on the wall, if I remember rightly.

Right. I mean, if I remember right. Right. I mean, if some of them have got tyre tracks across them, then that's fine, but if not... No, I think there was a hyena in a sling. All right. Which made me think... I hadn't thought of that, actually, how they were killed. No.

But, you know, if you're going to make an omelette... Exactly, yeah. It seems less... You know, when there's no pacing, you know that terrible pacing you get? Oh, yeah. The animals do. Yeah.

You only ever see, like, the big cats, polar bears, and comedians pace up and down. Yes. Like that. Terrible. Can I just say, I think the bears are the worst. In terms of... Generally?

Not delivering how they should. Oh, really? Yeah, because you get fed all these, you know, yogi bear, and they seem quite fun and interesting, and party animals, and they just hide in that cave. I've waited hours to see a bear. At the zoo? Yeah.

Hours. I say you're taking this with the animals. Well, I once went up a river that was meant to have crocodiles in it, and it was exactly the temperature that they liked being in the water. It was a complete waste of time. I could have gone up a river in Peterborough or have crocodiles in it and it was exactly the temperature that they liked being in the water. It was a complete waste of time. I could have gone up a river in Peterborough or something rather than in Australia. What you needed was, say, an immersion heater over the side of the boat.

Exactly. Sweat them out. Or a big bag of ice cubes. Or that, if that was less practical to carry in Africa. Exactly. Yogi Bear, when they did the live-action Yogi Bear film, did you see that? No.

No. They did one, you know, with like a... What, a bit of a man in a bear costume? Well, I think there was a bit of that and a bit of CGI. Oh, you know I can't bear that. Was it Andy Serkis? I mean, not the cartoon. I don't think it was Andy Serkis.

He was Boo Boo. He only does CGI. Michael Sheen only does the impressions. Andy Serkis only does CGI. But it's good to have a specialist. He won't do it. The amazing bubble man. You find something you can, you know.

He's the amazing CGI man. Yeah. Well, anyway, they made the hair quite coarse on Yogi Bear. Oh, yeah. And the thing I always liked about Yogi Bear in the cartoons, he looked like he was very, you could, you wanted to stroke him, you know what I mean? He looked very smooth. Nice sheen. There was no real,

um, no sense that you could even rub him the wrong way. No. He was very, very finished, you know. Oh, a bit badger. Professionally finished. Uh-huh. But the, uh, the one in the, uh, I'm calling it live action, he was bristly. Can I ask you a question?

Does he have a Top Cat style waistcoat? Does he have any clothes? Does he have a collar and tie and a hat? Oh yes, and no pants, my favourite. No, he doesn't have any pants. But that didn't seem to matter when he was professionally finished. I think all that was just... Slept under the carpet.

It was just playing the way. Yeah, he had a nice, smooth, non-controversial finish. You have to tell me who he goes to. Yeah. But I didn't notice the one in the film, whether that had... A lot of it was shot above the waist, come to think of it. I suppose there's plain to say. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

We need to talk about a news story that has come to my attention this week, not least because there was a typing mistake on the Daily Mail online for most of yesterday when I saw it. Sylvester Stallone has said that in the pomp of their 80s fame, him and Arnold Schwarzenegger were serious rivals that couldn't stand each other, they couldn't bear to be in the same room. Oh, yeah. And apparently he said that he could have choked Arnie.

Ooh. And to be honest, the Daily Mail had misspelled choked. They'd gone for C-H-O-C-K-E, so it read chocked. I could have chocked Arnie. Well, you were both big guys, you know, maybe a bit of death by chocolate. I don't know what caused it. That, you were both big guys. You know, maybe a bit of death by chocolate. I don't know why. Is that what caused it?

They were. That was in their dirty face days. Yeah. Yes. You know, there was always on posters with dirty faces. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Often with a huge automatic weapon of some kind. But they're looking like a sort of a post-nuclear Stigler dump.

Yes. That was their look. Very much so. Well, they're doing it for this Expendables movie. Expendables 3. Which everyone's in. Have you seen them all lined up? Is that a Dirty Face poster? Yeah, it's Dirty Face. Everyone's in it. Charlie's

in it. Daisy's in it. They're all in it. See, I don't like Dirty Face films much. I don't mind Sweaty Face films. What about Rambo? Rocky. I like Rocky. Rocky's good. Yeah. Rambo. Oh, Rambo's brilliant. I love Rambo. That's Dirty Rocky. Rocky's good. Yeah. Rambo. Oh, Rambo's brilliant. I love Rambo. Yeah, but that's...

That's Dirty Face. You know, you've got that in your armoury, that macho thing. Yeah, yeah, I'm really macho. Everyone knows that about me. Yeah. He said... Really macho. They hated each other so much that Sly, as I call him...

I haven't met Sly. I've met Arnie, though. Just FYI. Oh, yeah. I've met Arnie. How did you find him? I told you, he did a low five thing and I didn't know what it was and I just

sideways handshake. Very embarrassing. Yeah, that is awkward. He was alright. He was talking to me, he said it's hot in here, isn't it? And someone raced over with a couple of wet wipes and started dabbing him. That could have been a check-up line. Yeah, it could have been, yeah. Maybe they knew that he was about to take his jacket off

and he was going, it's getting hot in here and that was just a habit of his. And take off all your clothes. We've got to cool him down before he starts getting his kit off. You know what he's like. I am getting so hot. This is so horrible. Kills him.

British. He was much shorter than I anticipated. Yes, he is shorter. Who aren't? He's a shorty. He's a little shorty, isn't he, Frank? He was shorter than me. Oh, he's shorter than Frank. He was considerably wider. I think I always think he's tall because I'm confusing him. And he had a foundation tied mark, which you

don't often have. Oh. Did he? No, well, he was being wiped when I saw him. So, Sly said that... But weren't they, I'm sorry, weren't they in Planet Hollywood together? Yeah. I love your modern references. Yeah. You know, I've got a leather bomber jacket, brown and cream combo with Planet Hollywood London on the back.

I'll stop showing off. Is it getting much action these days? Well, I'm thinking I might bring it out. No, that'd be great. It's warm. You'd be amazed how warm it is. It's a good sturdy leather. It could be warming leather.

You're right. You know jackets from those days, you thought you could stand them up and they were on their own. It'd be good for you, with you making up the man for the next day, isn't it, when you dress the chair. Yeah, it could stand up and be like a mighty sessional. Yeah, I like to get out the old Planet Hollywood.

Oh, please do. Oh, yeah, brown in the bodice. Absolutely, in the bodice. It could be my september. The first show we do after we're in Edinburgh, please wear your Planet Hollywood jacket. It's almost beige. It's virtually beige on the arm.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. It doesn't exist anymore, Planet Hollywood, does it? Oh, no. No. Closed down some years ago, my friend. It was the people involved then.

It was Sly and Arnie. It was all the Dirty Face Brigade. Was it? Yeah. It was Sly and Arnie. It was all the Dirty Face Brigade. Was it? Yeah. It was Sly, Arnie and Bruce Willis. Oh, yeah. He's dirty and sweaty face, isn't he? Yeah, he does.

And they all, particularly Willis and Sly at home in a singlet. Yes. Yeah. I suppose Jason Statham now would be your dirty face poster boy probably he's in the Expendables did you call him Diesel? Vin Diesel

I like that you call him Diesel I don't think you say Diesel would you say Sly? I wouldn't say Vin Sly said when he walked into the room he used to say oh it's him yeah you know when he said that the room Arnie he used to say oh it's him yeah you know when he said that do you think he's just been listening to our show

when we quote people and say oh he's actually walking in and thinking it's him oh no it's Sly so Sly says yeah so I looked up and I said oh it's him

did you actually say it? No, I did. I know what you mean when people say, oh. So I said, oh. But I actually did say, oh, on this occasion. That's interesting. Yeah, I wouldn't normally say, oh. Well, on this occasion, I went, oh, it's him.

OK. Well, we've had a text about Emily's impression of Arnie. Oh, I can't wait to hear it. Emily's impression of Arnie was extraordinary. Didn't the... Oh, I can't wait to hear it. Emily's impression of Arnie was extraordinary. Didn't know he was French. That's what it says. Oh, well, thanks a lot. I wonder what we'll get from Frank's rendition of Sylvester Stallone.

I've been workshopping that one. Yo, Paulie. Different film. He's jumped film. I did it for you, Adrian. That's what you said to Adrian Child. I did. When you drove him up to Birmingham. I've done that many a time. What if I did it for you, Adrian! That's what you said to Adrian Childs when you drove him up to Birmingham.

I've done that many a time. What if I did that? What if I drove him to West Brom and then just sat in the seat? I wouldn't let him out of the car. Just two inches from his face saying, I did it for you, Adrian! Oh, yeah, all right. Can you stop it there? Yeah, all right. An absolute nightmare.

I feel like trying to get up here. So what about when they made up? Hold on a minute. Let's not jump in. Let's have some music. So we've got them. They're already separated. They're angry.

And then let's have a moment where we get used to that idea before we put them back together again. OK. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were discussing this Lion Arnie feud, which ran for some years. I'm amazed. I don't quite understand. What were they angry about? Just that they were rivals? Yeah, I think each other's size. I think Stallone was upset that Arnie was bigger and that he was several times Mr Olympia. Well, I still talk to you, to be honest.

Yeah, yeah. And Sly said he wanted to strangle him every day in the morning and at night. Oh, OK. I think he'd get the job done in the morning. What he's talking about, he doesn't want to kill him. He wants to just keep it. It's not about the spin plates.

You want to keep him in a perpetual state of choking, semi-choking. So just starting to get over it. Oh, it's starting to feel a little bit easy again. Like that. Keeping him topped up on the choking front.

As a member of the S&M community, you can understand how debilitating that can be, can't you? You've got to know what you're doing. Do you know how it ended? Tangerine? Oh, sorry, it's a different... I've got mixed up.

No, um... Yes? Emily's gone. I've forgotten it. I've read the story. Oh, I know what happened. I know what... Stallone wanted to do something radical and weird, didn't he? I need to do something really weird.

Yeah, he did do something weird. Yeah. He walked up to him and he said, Do you want to dance? Oh, he said to, uh... To, um, Arnie. Okay, and did he say, I'd rather eat glass? Yes. Oh, he said to... To Arnie. OK, and did he say, I'd rather eat glass? Yeah.

And he said, come on, let's dance like no-one's looking. Yeah. That's what happened. They did. I think that's quite a good idea, to dance with your sworn enemy. See, I think if somebody muscly came up to me and said, do you want to dance, I'd think that it was a threat. I'd think they were saying, let's fight. You know, like people do in films like they make.

Do you want to dance? That's what they're... Can I ask you both a question? Do either of you have sworn enemies? I've got one. I'm very bad at feuds. Do you not have any feuds? I don't really have any grudge stamina.

Don't you? So I can be really furious and then it goes away and I just can't get it back again. I can't. Oh, stick around. Stick around with me. Because there's one woman I hate her so much.

I've known her for many years. She's married to an old friend of mine. Can we just leave this there? Because as a teaser I think that's fantastic. Just that as a set up. I mean, I hope we haven't lost that moment there. But that was a set-up. I mean, I hope we haven't lost that moment there.

But that was... That's quite an opener, isn't it? Oh, yeah. I just think one so rarely hears the word I hate on commercial radio. I absolutely despise that. I am not a human being. Or indeed despise.

Keep them coming. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yeah, so, your feud. Oh, yeah. So I was talking about this woman I hate. I don't hate many. No. But this woman I hate. How many do you hate, ballpark figure? This is the person I hate most ever in my whole life.

Wow. Okay. I've given up talking to her now. There's no point. She won't be talked to. Oh, she knows. Oh, she knows. Wow. She was married to a friend of mine. They split up. Thank the Lord. Here's just a sample

of some of the things she would say to me. I remember once going to a party. I look lovely. If I do say so myself, I'd made an effort. Some nice eyeshadow I was trying out. She came over to me. A man said to me, oh, you look great. I said, thanks. She said, yeah, you do. I was trying out. Okay. She came over to me. A man said to me, Oh, you look great.

I said, thanks. She said, yeah, you do. I like your eyeshadow. My six-year-old's got one just like it. Oh. Okay. A bit root one for the likes of me. Could that have been accidental?

Okay, do you want to hear the next one? Okay. I used to write them down when I used to get home. The next one. In eyeshadow. Yeah. That would have been good. Or at the premiere. I'll tell you the premiere, because I when I used to get home. The next one... In eyeshadow. Yeah. That would have been good. Or at the premiere.

I'll tell you the premiere, because I'd like her to ID herself. OK. If needs be. It was for Romeo and Juliet. Remember that film? Yeah. Baz Luhrmann. Yes.

I'm aware it's not only a film. Good snapshot on that one. On that film. She had... She was overdressed, I won't lie. OK. She looked a bit uh young musician of the year right and leonardo dicaprio's there it's a little bit more it's a little bit cooler it's a

little bit more lbd little black dress which i'd gone for i'd hit it i'd got i'd hit it dead right yeah that's what i water that premiere as well actually lbd it was the 90s i went to the balcony it was the 90s i think i might the balcony. It was the 90s. I think I might have been talking to the fun-loving criminals or someone. Okay. She came over. She was furious because she got the dress code so wrong and I've got it so right. So she said,

It's so nice to see you, but when are we going to see you dressed up? I only ever see you like this in your sloppy joes. Oh, that is... Oh, dear. Dear, dear, dear. So I'd had enough of her. By the time she came out with her third one, I lost it. Someone had bought me a very generous gift, a piece of jewellery.

Nice. She said, oh, that's so nice. I'm so glad someone never bought me anything like that because I'd feel very beholden to them. Oh. I said, that's lucky because no one ever will. And I've never spoken to her since is that right?

I saw her recently I did a bit of a sly and arny it was at a posh designer do I saw her and I went oh and I just walked out and do you know there's something quite cleansing and liberating about it, I hate her she hates me

let's call the whole thing restraining order brilliant wowie, that's quite a story I hate her, she hates me. Let's call the whole thing restraining order. Brilliant. Wow-ay, that's quite a story. I need some beefs. Why haven't I got any beefs? I want some beefs now. Life's too short, Frank. You can't waste time.

Life's too short, and so are the skirts she wears at her age. You know what? You've made this sound really appealing. You've made it sound really appealing to have a beef. Don't you want a beef now that she's got a beef? No, I don't have a beef in me. See, I'd be very upset about what they'd said to me, and I'd sulk about that for days.

But also, then I'd think, the next time I went to mass, I'd feel bad about what I'd said to them. That's my life. Oh, right, yeah. But, no, I can't... You could just have a beef and stop going to mass. I'm going to throw you a curveball there. Shut your...

Can I say at the end of this, sometimes people say something and they just go up in your estimation. Sylvester Stallone in this article, he was talking about the fact that he was the big dirty face poster man and then Arnie came along. And he says that you can only be hot once. After that, you just have to hang on.

And that is so true. Yes. And I respect... It reminded me when I saw Peter Stringfell on a daytime TV programme talking about having a 17-year-old girlfriend. And this woman said, what do you find to talk about with a 17-year-old? He said, well, I'm very lucky like that,

because I'm shallow, so I don't need. And I thought, respect to you for saying that. That is quite a comeback. And this is how I feel about Stallone, just hanging on. Fabulous. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So we're at the Edinburgh Festival. I don't know if we've actually said where we are during this show. Have we? Have we made it clear that we're up here? Yeah, Frank, Daddy said it. Have we not mentioned Edinburgh? We have. We did a bit of our show's discussion. And I'm going to be honest, I think I might be feeling a little heightened emotions up here.

Oh, I'm right, Kerry. Yeah, I do. I cried at the end of a... I got a bit teary at the end of a circus show, just because it had been good, and I thought, oh, they've put all that work into it. Really? Yeah, yeah. I cried at the bubble, man.

Yeah. It just popped a bit close to my eye. No, you cried at the circus. I welled up, because it had been so good and it was very visible that they'd put a lot of work into it and it had gone well and it was my little boy's birthday and we were all out as a family. Oh, I know you put it in its context.

Well, give them a plug. Pants Down Circus. Absolutely brilliant. Very good. Really good show. I didn't see that coming. I thought it was going to be like a kids thing. Can I just say, Nauda, the audience.

They don't perform it, Pants Down. That's just the name of the show. But also, when they arrived, my little family had come up. Pants Down Abbey. That's where I live. My son and daughter and my wife arrived to the flats that I'm renting for the month in Edinburgh on Tuesday. And my daughter has inadvertently been making me feel like I'm a divorced gentleman.

Oh, has she? By walking around the flat that I'm renting for the month going, I really like your new house, Daddy. I really like your new house. I love your house, Daddy. like your new house daddy i really like your new house i love your house daddy and every time she says it i think yeah she seems to think i've moved down i'm living away from her so even when we're in the park she was very loudly saying can we go back to your new house now let's go back to your house oh but people thinking oh dad just gets them and what they're thinking is do you know what it's a very modern relationship they're very civilised to each other

and do you know what, a day and a half in after she'd been really annoying, I was thinking I think it's time you went back to your house now, see you love go on, you're doing my head in you've been lying fantasising about isn't it so fashionable to say I got a bit angry when I was walking

through Bristow Square up at the other end of Edinburgh from where we are now when a young person in a cagoule walked up and fliered me for Frank Skinner's show. Really? Oh, can I give you a flier for Frank Skinner? A flier? I'm with the band. At least they didn't say, um, you're not coming in like I had at your show. Do you know what I do? I've learnt what to do.

Just stick some laminates around your neck. It can be any laminates. Oh that's a good idea. It could be

Linda's Farn 1981. Just stick any laminates probably. That's actually the one laminate I've brought up with me so that's handy.

Stick those all around your neck and they won't approach. It's a deterrent. Okay. Yeah. Makes you look

sort of... Important and busy. Right. I had them around my neck when I went to the Jim Davidson gig. Okay. You went where? We... Important and busy. Right. I had them round my neck when I went to the Jim Davidson gig.

OK. You went where? We'll discuss this later. Oh, OK. What did you... Did you take the leaflet? No, because I thought, well, that's waste. I know when his show's on.

I'm seeing him every Saturday morning. And frankly, I don't need a flyer. If I was at the Edinburgh Festival as Joe Public, I was on the Frank Skinner train early. You know, I watched you when I was at school, didn't I? On the TV. God, I get a lot of that. Remember watching you when I was at school.

Probably you do if the front row are seven and three years old. Well, exactly. I'm not even at school, yeah. Some of my audience. You know what I'm talking about? You shouldn't call your show Pants Down. I've also developed a very specific Edinburgh Festival shyness, Frank, that I might pick your brains about.

Oh. I have found, when I am walking the streets, if I walk past the large lamppost posters that I've paid for of myself, I feel mortified. Because people are playing a big version of human snap. I can see people look at me and go, there he is over there. Oh, yeah. I shouldn't have brought the same jacket that I've got in the picture.

Have you done that? Yeah, I'm walking around in the jacket. Oh, you're not. You're so standing by that lamppost waiting to be recognised. Well, actually, a friend of mine did text saying, I haven't got in touch with you because there's your poster right outside my flat. And I texted back saying, that's not my poster. I'm just there grinning at you.

Yeah. And she said, that's creepy. I instinctively reproduce the pose when I work at F5. And take your shirt off quickly. Actually, I spoke to a woman the other day. She said, I think I owe you an apology. My dog pees on your poster every morning. I kissed that the other day.

Oh, yeah, you did. That's right. I don't think it pees that high. I'll find out. You don't know where I kissed. I'll check the breed for you. We'll soon get to the bottom of this. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Oh, sorry.

Email corner. I don't think that jingle has ever startled quite so many people. No, it came out of nowhere. We're in E-mail Corner, so I'm going to start with an e-mail. This one is from... We're sort of inadvertently in E-mail Corner, but while we're here, let's take a pew.

We've landed. What's your poison? It's my shout. The email has landed. That's what we could that's what this could be. We could use the same tune from The Eagle Has Landed. Do you remember that? Oh, here comes the eagle. Oh, here it comes. It is flying.

Oh, it's not flying anymore. It's landed. It's landed. The eagle has landed. That's what happened then do you remember i don't remember that well yeah that's what happened then it's a sort of a marching tune i remember there's a bit of whistling you do love a bit of whistling don't you it's the caretaker in him yeah um this is Prisoner number 6075. Okay.

Good morning, all. I'm a long-time reader, first-time writer, and I have a dilemma. Read tickets for the Fringe Festival. Exclamation mark. Or as we say in the trade, screamer. Is that right? Yes.

Two weeks ago... What trade did they say that in? Well, they say it when you're writing. Yeah. Any sort of writing, any publication, they'll refer to that as a screamer. Scream newspapers all sorts um two weeks ago you were telling us that the cockerel was playing at the fringe fab i think i'm going with my mother i will take her to see alan i like the tense being used here tickets bought OK, tickets. Then, I listen this week and you tell us Frank is also there.

Here's my problem. We're only there for two nights, one seeing the tattoo. Not the Russian man. No, not this. Who used to live near Frank. No, they didn't live near, they lived in the flat above which I nearly bought a flat. Whatever it was, it was worrying. Do you think we can see you, Frank, at 8.45pm,

then make it across... I know nothing of Edinburgh. That wasn't me. This is this woman. To see Alan at 10.15... 10.10, actually. Yeah, my show starts at 10.10, so you've just lost five minutes of journey time immediately. That's a big 10.10. Without A, killing my mother, and B, causing a huge commotion being late for Alan. Tickets are bought for Thursday the 14th. Frank, if you're popping over to see Alan, maybe we could catch a lift.

That's from Prisoner 6075. I don't think you're going to make it. No. I think we can't. Here's what's happened. OK. Frank has rewritten the Edinburgh Festival rule book by really stretching his legs in his show.

And he's issued the conventional one hour long set and he's gone for, what is it, a 90? Is it 90? It's a 90,

more or less. He's doing the TDK 90. I'm playing for it. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. So what's that taking you from? 8.45,

my mental arithmetic isn't good, 10.15. It's about 10.15. You don't want, if you leave 8.45? My mental arithmetic isn't good. 10.15? It's about 10.15. You don't want... If you leave Frank's early, it'll be a nightmare. Oh, yeah, you'll be walking back. Well, people leave early all the time. That's a steady stream of exiters.

Exiters or exitees? Good question. Well, also, you'll get the worst of both worlds. To be honest, I don't get that many that I need a collective noun for them. You'll get grief from Frank for leaving early and then grief from Alan for coming in late. Yeah, I mean, I was going to suggest that I could just go up late and run short that night on Thursday.

Is it Thursday? I'll just put it in my diary. Go and see Alan. Go on at 20 past... Oh, I was about to do that. He needs lifting. I think he's got... I don't. I've already got their tickets now. They could just... Let's face it, you could both do with lifting. Well, that's true.

But you've also got the option with mine, you can always buy the DVD. Oh, nice, yeah. If you look in the bargain bin. Oh, zing! You know, why are you wearing that sloppy joe? LAUGHTER You know, why are you wearing that sloppy joe? Frank?

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We're still in email corner, if I'm not mistaken. Oh, OK. Hi, Frank et al. Et al? Et al.

That's good. That's French for and all all is that a reference to you maybe it is M Al I was going to say it's good but there's not much of me in it no that's true

Frank M Al though I like the email continues I am a sociology teacher living in Kenya who isn't oh okay I'm a sociology teacher

living in Kenya I wonder if he's read Family and Kinship in East London why why do you wonder if he's read Family and Kinship in East London. Why? Why do you wonder that? It's a sociological master text. Oh, is it? Oh, good.

Maybe he's read Suicide by Emile Durkheim. You think? We're not just going to list books he might have read. No, you're quite right. I wonder if he's read Forever by Judy Blume. I know you have. I love that you've read that. Read it? It's a memory.

I'm a sociology teacher living in Kenya. Absolutely disgusting creature. And a huge fan of the other Albion football team. Oh, yes, Brighton and Hove. Whilst on a Brighton football forum, we were discussing when a player scores a late consolation goal whilst being 4 or 5-0 down, a regular occurrence for both Albions, sadly.

Oh, yeah. Said player always enthusiastically grabs the ball from the net, pushes the goalkeeper out of the way and runs back to the centre circle with a look of utter grit and determination. It's true. Before planting the ball back on the centre circle. A fellow poster on the forum suggested these players could be known as

goal-down retrievers. I thought this term was utterly marvellous. That's very fine. One you would appreciate. Lovely. All the best for the upcoming season and one day I hope to see two Albions in the Premier League.

Peace, Matthew. I like goal-down retrievers. I like peace, Matthew. That's good. That's really good. I'll tell you what I miss. It's the thing, when I used to go to football,

if a player got injured, while he was being treated, the other players would sit on the pitch. They'd all sit down and properly relax. You know, on one elbow. Laser bow. Except the one lucky player who got the ball

as a little stool and he'd sit on that but they just all lazed about and he was mended again why has that stopped and pitches then were horrible

now they're lovely on the side of eating you wouldn't want to get up has it stopped because they think it's given a psychological advantage to the other team

because they think, oh those guys need to lie down. They all did, it didn't really matter everyone. That's one of the things that they said during the World Cup when they went to extra time, they said they can't have a little rest in between normal time and then extra time

you've got to tell your teams not to sit on the floor or lie around, you've got to keep them on their feet. You've got to keep moving like a shark. Like a business meeting. You can imagine just snuggling your buttocks into the undersized eating. Oh, I hope this is a bad injury. I hope this is a bad injury.

Have a little lie down. Yeah, I really miss that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, you're a Doctor Who fan. Yes. Hold the front page. And extraordinarily have a child and a partner.

These Doctor Who fans... Did you read about these Doctor Who fans? They had a Dalek wedding. Yes, I did read about it. Please tell me you read about this. You must have loved this story. You must have got it on one of your Who alerts, Frank. You know what?

I don't think it was on a Who alert. Oh, it should have been. No. Odd. That is odd. So, they decided to have their wedding vows renewed. The groom... Can I ask you, why do people do that?

What do you mean? Why do people do that what do you mean why do people get their wedding I believe the wedding fair traditionally I don't know if this still happens you promise to stay loyal to someone till death do they then go away and think

you know I don't know if that was committed enough we need to go back and emphasise that do you know what I think I think everyone likes a bit of attention if they're anything like me and I think it's another excuse to be a little star for the day

they're not really renewing their vows that's such has the modern world come to this where vows are something that expire Frank Skinner's has the Modern World Come to This is currently I'm hearing that. Has the Modern World Come to This.

That's the title of my show next year. So the groom wore a fez and a Tom Baker scarf. So the fez is Matt Smith, is that correct? Yes. Okay. See, I'm not sure about the amalgam of the fourth and the eleventh. Oh, I'm not sure about any of itam of the fourth and the eleventh doctor

Oh I'm not sure about any of it Do you think people were looking at him going Doctor who? If my boyfriend turned up in a fez and a Tom Baker scarf well let's say we'd talk That's not cosplay so much as cross play

I think you have to pick your doctor Stick with it? Even if it's McCoy so be it Go for the question Mark Mm, is he? I think you have to pick your doctor and then go for it. Yeah. Even if it's McCoy, so be it. Stick with McCoy. Go for the question mark, a fair isle tank top. Yeah, why not? But don't mix them up.

No. Now, here's the really extraordinary bit. A Dalek turned up. I say turned up. I think I might have been brought there. Yeah, I think it was a surprise. Yeah. He was the best man.

He would have gone in, had he been invited or not, to be honest. That's what the Daleks are like, isn't it? Oh, God, they're inclined to invade. Yeah. And he was the best man. So there you go. Didn't the Dalek wear a bow tie? He wore a bow tie.

And the Reverend said, you may kiss the bride or be exterminated. Well, I mean, that's light-hearted. He is light-hearted. My reverend said you may kiss the bride or be exterminated. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's light-hearted. It is light-hearted. I mean, I think... Personally, I would have preferred it if they're going to do the exterminate joke. Someone has got to do fan's breath.

I think I'd prefer to be exterminated. There you go again. I like the fact that you're taking the tone of a persecuted minority here. Well, it's... There you go again. The thing... For the Whovians. The thing that

that struck me about it was there was a a Cyberman at the reception. That's attractive. But the Dalek there was only a Dalek at the actual ceremony.

You know when you get invited to a wedding and you don't get invited to the whole thing. Only the Dalek got to go to the ceremony. Cybermen, who are quite a major force,

go way back. They only got the reception. The Ice Warrior and the Autons were just at the evening do. Oh, so you're an EDO, evening do only. Yeah, I know.

What an insult, though. Oh, how embarrassing. Cybermen, I wouldn't have gone. Simple as that. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. In a break with tradition, I'd like to read a tweet. I don't normally deal with the Twitter.

Just love Divine Miss M even more now. All girls have another girl they hate. Is that right? Emily is my hero from Claire Coupland on the Twitter. even more now. All girls have another girl they hate. Is that right? Emily is my hero from Claire Coupland on the Twitter. Oh, Claire, I love you. Thank you. Yeah. I was nervous about admitting it and now I feel there's no stopping me.

I thought the ladies would love you for that. I'm glad that they've gone on side. Great stuff. See, we don't understand that's why. Well, you just hit each other. Claire, she gave her name, did you say? Yeah, Claire Cootland. See, now, everyone that knows Claire Cootland as female is going to be thinking, oh, God, am I the woman that she has?

Well, that's no bad thing. Exactly, that might up their game a bit. And if I'm honest, that was partly my motive for saying that today. Let those female friends have a little think. You are honest, let's face it. I am. So, meanwhile, over at the doctor who wedding yes yeah uh it was quite extraordinary i think what i wanted to ask you frank is as a follower of the nazarene how do you feel about this i also follow the gallifreyan. I can see the urge.

Because I think one thing with Doctor Who fans is often, I know you think that they're all single, but often a more common scenario is a male Doctor Who fan who has a female partner who's not into it. What is that like? But that's one of the heterosexuality. There's a massive gay following of Doctor Who. Loads of gay Doctor Who fans.

So, you know, it's much cooler than you think. Well, you sold me. But if you find a female who likes Doctor Who, it must be tempting to think well, this is quite a rare coming together of minds. So let's theme the whole. Yes. Yeah, that's a good point. But I still think if they're going to do the exterminate joke they should save's theme the whole. Yes. Yeah, that's a good point. But I still

think if they're going to do the exterminate joke they should save that for the divorce. I feel like the decree is it decree nice-eye or something like that? They could hand it over and go, X-Diamond out. That seems like it's there for the taking. No, you're right. I hadn't thought of that. I suppose that

one doesn't like to keep something back for the divorce when you're planning your wedding ceremony. Perhaps I watch too much snooker. I like something rolled over the pocket. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it would be interesting. Who's going to bring it up?

So let's hold that back for the divorce. That would hang in the air a bit, wouldn't it? Yes. I'll tell you what I haven't brought up. What about me and Jim Davidson? Bit of gossip? Oh, yeah, you were going to talk about it. Well, we've barely got time now for it.

Oh, but I went to see Jim Davidson, no further action. Okay. Colon, no further action. Yeah? Yeah. His colon has got no further action. Has he? That was Elvis, actually, in the later days.

It's a terrible story. Apparently it was like cement. It's not funny. It's awful. We'll save it for next week. I don't want to rush Jim Davis. Do you want to hear about the book signing? There's all sorts.

There's a book signing. There was a book signing. He said copies are available in the lobby. There wasn't a lobby. Anyway, we'll discuss this next week. Oh, good. I've got a lot to say. Yeah. Can I ask one question about it?

Yes. Did he at any point say, Nick, Nick? No, but he did say, well, everything he said, virtually after everything, he said, well, this won't go down with the old PC brigade. And then he made... He nearly went down with the PC brigade. I think what he meant was

that he was doing some observational stuff about using an Apple MacBook Pro. And he was going, this isn't going to go well with the PC brigade. I thought he meant the police constables. He also said, this isn't going to go down well with the old lefty, anti-sexist lot. Oh, OK. Well, he was, you know, he knows his market.

Well, anyway, don't tease, but don't spoil. That's what he said to me last night. Okay. Well, look, thank you so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the crigs don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8.