The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Symbols

Episode Date: July 13, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss the Wimbledon final, The Rolling Stones and Alun's acronym confusion. The team also try and decipher a noise complaint from a listener.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. So, it's nice weather. Lovely, isn't it? I'm joining the nice weather group rather than the... Too hot, eh? I think it's too hot. I don't like the complainers. Oh, you know, I'm loving it.

Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Okay, that's that out of the way. I've gone dressed today, Frank. Yes, you look lovely. You're summery. I do, don't I? Yeah, I'm a big fan of people dressing like it's summer. I put a winter dress on and I feel like I shouldn't have put on this.

No, like Hessean. Doesn't that rob you? But I feel like I shouldn't have put on those missing numbers. No, like, Hesia, doesn't that rub you? But I'm liking the whole Grayson Perry vibe on you. Surprising. I'm naked.

Yes, we know. That's all right. We have to burn this office seat afterwards. That was the agreement. I'll tell you what, I wore at the weekend something I don't think

I've ever worn before in my life, a cream jacket. No. tell you what I wore at the weekend, something I don't think I've ever worn before in my life, a cream jacket. No. Did you? Frankie! Cream with a sort of white lining. Oh, Frankie! It's getting very 1950s New York waiter.

And a slightly flamboyant lapel. Just a little bit broader than I'd normally go. I'll tell you what it looked like. Do you ever used to watch the softcore... Oh, God. ...Emmanuel films in the 1970s? Yes.

And he used to be a sort of... He'd be a sort of an Italian man who'd say, the secret of love, Emmanuel, is to share yourself with the universe. And he'd always wear like a cream, Jackie. And also, you know those sort of moccasin shoes but with no socks? Oh, yeah. People who do that.

Yeah. And they wear like beads, quite a tight, like a beaded choker. Oh, yeah. That's what I became. Yeah, but I became one of those people. The sort of person who might drive a convertible car. But I was moaning about this. Really, I've got a bit concerned just lately that I've sold out.

You've sold out? Oh, I could have told you that years ago. By wearing a cream jacket? Yeah. Oh, no, I was worried about it from a different angle. I don't take this the wrong way, but I think cream trousers for a man of your years, they're a high risk. I wouldn't even think about cream trousers.

The problem would just be like, did you put a napkin around it when you ate lunch? Did you do the full tie in it? Because you could easily get tomato sauce or a calele or something. I just had cream for lunch. You can go on the... I'll play safe. Well, I've been on the all-white diet. That's what you needed. I'll tell you about it afterwards, yeah.

OK. Often when you've had your teeth whitened, you have to go on the all-white diet for about 48 hours, Frank. I think, wasn't Michael Barrymore on the all-white diet? All-white. I had to explain that joke in case anyone read anything dark into it, which I didn't want them to do. The very idea.

I think my baby, Boz, was on the all-white diet for about seven or eight months. Oh, yeah. So anyway, I had this jacket, and I was really fretting about it. We hadn't started filming yet. It was a TV show, and I was thinking, oh, God, do I want to be seen? Do I want to watch this back? Do I want to be thinking, oh, God, do I want to be seen? Do I want to watch this back?

Do I want to be thinking, oh, God, Man in Cream Jackie? And I was saying to people who worked on the crew, like masculine types who weren't interested, do you think I look like Julio Ingles? What did they say? Well, they weren't that interested, and then someone said, look, I think you're making a big fuss about nothing. I turned around, it was Simon Weston.

It's quite hard to come back on that line. Because in the general scale of things, a cream jacket is fairly minor. Did he pick you off? He did, yeah. Good for him. He did. It is hard to know how to respond to that. Yeah, because, you know, he's obviously... Compared to some things.

So, yeah, he really did slap me down. So after that, I just wore the jacket and kept my mouth shut. Good for him. You must almost see that as a civic duty of his, that he can give people those... Yeah, exactly. He can dispense those... Putting things in context.

Yeah, exactly. Good on him. He can dispense those... Putting things in context. Yeah, exactly. Good on him. He's a professional contextualiser. I know, he gave me his card. Wouldn't that be great? It said in brackets, text the edges of the seemingly important things in life. What a brilliant job to have.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, I'm doing an arts programme at the moment. Sell out. Is that what you think is indicative of your selling out? I'm presenting. No, I'm enjoying the actual experience.

It's the Portrait Artist of the Year, so I'm watching people paint famous people. That doesn't sound like selling out. It's brilliant watching somebody paint. Fantastic. But the cream jackets are different. Depends who's doing the painting. Some I'm not so sure about.

Well, some of the painting, you see, is the actual artists who come on and compete in are all brilliant. But there's all sorts of extra things, extra art type things. For example, my portrait was done this week. Was it? This was, I was in Cardiff on Sunday doing this show. It was done in Marmite on 144 pieces of toast. Was it?

Yeah. So the toast laid out and then the Marmite, it's like a big jigsaw. That would have given you quite a gristly complexion. It seemed to work quite well. Oh, okay. And I was talking to the guy, the artist, and he was saying that, I said, do you, you could spray it, you could scotch guard it after. And then it would, I presume, keep forever. Or kill the pigeons.

You could just keep it in a card index box. It's like a CD holder. These are my works of art and they're just toast in a CD. But no, he said, no, I live near a field with horses in it. So I give it to the horses. And he said vitamin D in Marmite is quite good for their bones. Probably true, but 144 slices of white bread? Yeah.

Good for a horse? No. And also, he'd done a portrait of Katherine Jenkins on toast. Had he? How was that? Goat's blood he used. No, he used Nutella. Because she's very sweet, is what he said.

But I thought, if he gives that to the horse, did we not recently have a text saying that chocolate... Yeah. Apparently, chocolate is so bad that a whisper van went past the field with horses in it and six of them died. That's how bad it is. So it does people and it's supposed to fit the person, the medium. Oh, really?

Oh, really? Because Katherine Jenkins was sweet and you were Marmite because... You either love me or you hate me. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Did he articulate that? Well, he told me that he'd done two other Marmite ones. Simon Cowell in Marmite. He said because people love or hate him.

And the Queen, he said, because Marmite's very British. So I think I'll opt for the very British rather than loved or hated. You do love your country. Just hated. What about if you said to me, I've done very British rather than loved or hated. You do love your country. Just hated. What about if you said to me, I've done it for you because you just hated? And he did Fabio Capello in Bolognese sauce.

Did he? And I was trying to describe to someone, he'd done one other thing, and it was a bloke who was on The Only Way Is Essex, and then he was on The X Factor. Oh, yes. And that's how I remember his name. I got through Draylon, I said.

I said Draylon and then Brynylon. I think by the time I'd reached Velour, they got it. By the time you reached Velour, it was a very 70s dinner party. What is the name of the bloke? Ryland, I believe. Ryland. Even I, he's reached my... And what did he use? What medium did he use for, I believe. Ryland. Even I, it's rich. And what did he use?

What medium did he use for Ryland? Chopped liver. Hair gel. That's a guess. He used human excrement. Did he really? Which I thought was over the top. No, he didn't.

He used spray tan. He used, which was very clever. But looking back, it would have been better. But the horse would have been outraged, obviously. I don't know how the horse got on with the spray tan. I've got to think about it. I think Catherine Jenkins was lucky with Nutella, really. He should have used molasses to represent her black soul.

Yeah. Yeah, I... Missed a trick. He did miss a trick on that one. And then I was screen printed onto a bag. Are you OK? Oh. Yeah, she died.

She was very ill. I was screen printed. We did it on her back for a laugh on the bus. I was screen printing it. We did it on her back for a laugh on the bus. Me and three schoolboys took a screen printing press out into public transport. You're such a banksy. The trouble is I now have a bag with my face on that says Team Frank.

Sell out. Oh, can I have one of those? I might make that the It bag. Imagine I get that in all the magazines. That would be great. Yeah, but the trouble is, I've had this before, you can't really go around with your own merchandise. Oh. I once went out, it was raining, I grabbed an umbrella on the way out of the house and when I put it up, it had the Frank Skinner show on it in big letters. And I actually took it down and just got wet. I thought better

to get wet than to walk around. I feel like that's a policy anyway. I'm anti the umbrella but just get wet. Just get wet. We're waterproof. Yeah but then you've got a man walking along with an umbrella under his arm getting wet and people just think you've had a breakdown. Yeah you're on your way to a fast food joint

to shoot people. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So. We haven't talked about. No, we haven't talked about this momentous week in British sporting history. I wouldn't have walked either. Oh, no, Andy Murray. Yes. Andy Murray. I was away have walked either. Oh, no, Andy Murray. Yes.

Andy Murray. I was away, of course. I was in Cardiff. In your cream jacket. Did you? Oh. You were doing your Russia Federer impression, weren't you? I can imagine him in a hotel room watching it with a cream jaquito.

A little bit hot. Well, I wish I'd been in a hotel room. As it was, I was in a back room at Cardiff City Hall. Was it Ryland? His excrement. There was me, Simon Weston, Gavin Henson, Sue Tilly, who was Lucian Freud's

main model, and a bunch of about six other people all gathered around watching the end of the final on an iPhone. Wow. Really? Couldn't they have called one of those little tellies?

Even when I went to Buckingham Palace, I remember there was a football match on, they provided us with a little telly. An iPhone is a little telly. It's rubbish, though, that. It's very little. I felt like it was like if Gulliver had travelled with his extended family. It was like that.

We were all hunched round watching this tiny thing. And mainly it was listening. I still thought Judy looked attractive, even in the tiniest of screens. Did you? Yeah. He nearly forgot to give her a kiss, didn't he? That was outrageous. I'm not sure it was, though, because I think I may have told you this before.

outrageous. I'm not sure it was though because I think I may have told you this before one of my teenage pranks that I used to do was play five aside once a week or twice a week and then when I came back all sweaty I would say to my mum I love you mum, give us a cuddle and then when she gave me a cuddle I would slightly

push her head into my armpit after playing sport really sweaty and smelly and I think Andy Murray probably went through a phase of doing the exact same thing. I think he went through a phase of doing the exact same thing. Oh, I'm sorry, did you not hear about the flannel a few weeks ago? When he won and ran up, I think she hid behind a chair in case she got the old... Do you know what I think? I analysed that box very deeply.

I love the action. I love the Royal Box action. I might have watched it about 14 times. I've played it back. Really? Well, what I noticed... So, Lendl got the big embrace. Yeah. He got the big...

Fair enough, he's put the hours in. Kim, a bit short-changed, I felt. A lot of women around the country, I feel, would have felt similarly. Oh, no. A peck on the cheek. That's her big Martine McCutcheon moment. I want more than a peck on the cheek. That's her big Martine McCutcheon moment. I want more than a peck on the cheek. She's not already planning an upgrade, is she?

This is what happens, isn't it, when people get a couple of trophies. It's all going to be poor Hollywood. Oh, dear. I just, I didn't like it. But the mum wasn't even in the family and friends box. I know, that was awkward. How can that be? She's been there since the beginning.

How many times have you seen her shouting, come on? I know. Lost count. And as for Simon Fuller, I think that's one of those rare examples where hair loss is preferable because the colour's not good. Oh, yeah. You wouldn't have got to see this detail on your HD, Gavin Henson's HD screen.

No, I couldn't. I don't know if it was Gavin's. He just had short son at the time. He's got a good. I don't know if it was Gaffin's. He just had shorts on at the time, so... He's got a good body, hasn't he, Craig? We were mainly looking at him. He's gone, fantastic. But I sat in the shade of his breasts, of his muscular breasts,

because it was a hot day. In your cream jacket. They wouldn't call them breasts. What do you call those front breasts? Man boobs. No, no, man boobs is when it's gone wrong. Oh, is it? These look like they're made out of granite.

Pecs. Pectorals. Yeah. They're the ones at the front. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I sat under his pec, sheltering. Oh, lovely little umbrella.

Yeah, he is. He's a magnificent specimen and not a hair on him. Oh, I don't like that. Huh? I prefer a hairy one. Oh, God. He fell out of a tree, I think. I don't like that. Huh? I prefer a hairy man. Oh, God. He fell out of a tree, I think. Did he fall out of a tree?

Is that him? No, that was Duncan Goodyear. Somebody fell out of a tree and all their hair fell out. Yeah, that's Duncan Goodyear. Yeah. Yeah, he wasn't there. Why have we sorted out that piece of 80s gossip? Have I cleared up that he wasn't there?

Yes. I'm glad he wasn't there because that would have confused... Imagine watching table tennis with Duncan Goodyear. That'd be odd. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So Frank, presumably if you're all crouched round Gavin Henson's screen, then we don't know thatouched round Gavin Henson's screen... Yes. ..then we don't know that it was Gavin Henson, but I like the idea. I don't think it was Gavin. Oh, I wish it was, because he's my best-looking one. I do hope you got to hear some of the commentary.

Did you not? Yeah, we could hear it. The sound was good. It was a bit hard to pick out the details. Did you, then? Did you hear Boris Becker say say i think it was championship game as they call it he began it by saying let's do this now like the terminator it was brilliant i'm surprised they let him work on children's television saying stuff like that isn't he in the broom cupboard um yeah i uh i'll tell you what's something that really shocked me this year is when it got hot, there's something about the ball boys

holding umbrellas over the players when they sit in the chairs. It's like the golden days of the rod. It does feel a bit like the Empire or something. There is something about Wimbledon. It's so middle class. It's all right for people to hold umbrellas over other people because they're of higher status. I thought they'd have brought in a punkawalla.

Can't cool them down a little. Oh, yeah, a chaiwalla's my favourite. I don't know what you two are talking about now. Are these the big feathers? Yeah, you know when they put that thing on a string? Do you not remember the Raj? I certainly do. Until they talk about this being hot.

I remember it. 52 degrees. We were having high tiffin and I still had my red tunic buttoned to the throat. Oh, God. We're in Lie Corner again. I love Lie Corner. It was special times.

So, you know what I also noticed? Why, when did tennis players become friends with celebrities? That's quite recent. A lot of that. You used to look to that box and there'd be some old Eastern European man and the Duchess of Kent, if you were lucky. Rod Laver. Rod Laver is always, I thought, Rod, you know, you won a couple of times in the 70s.

Does that give you a ticket for life? Yeah, I think it might. But that's all it was, Frank. A bit of John Lloyd, a bit of times in the 70s. Does that give you a ticket for life? Yeah, I think it might. But that's all it was, Frank. A bit of John Lloyd, a bit of Virginia Wade. That, I can't run us over if we saw those two. No, it's movie stars. Cliff Richard. Yeah, but he was the star turn.

He couldn't get arrested now. Well, you say that. I certainly wouldn't put money against it in the current climate. Anne Hayden Jones was a regular there. Oh, was she one of the OIC Brigade? She was, wasn't she? No, Anne Hayden-Jones won it, but she's a West Brom fan.

Do you know who I miss? Sir Alan Mills, who is, I believe he was head of the All England Club. No, I don't remember him. You'd just hear him every year once a year, and here's Sir Alan Mills. And he'd give the trophies and that was it. You'd never see him for a year. Do you know Sir Alan Mills? No. No, thanks for the tip. I've got some black pepper

I could do with a working over. And did you read that Djokovic had a big charity dinner as well? I wonder where that was going. Yes, he had some... This is not the one where they... There was one where Judy Moray looked absolute...

Did you see she was in like a sparkly... That might have been the players. Sparkly silver dress. The champions... It looked like a shattered windscreen. She did look nice. She scrubbed up well. But she looked very nice.

But there was a massive charity do, wasn't there? Yeah, Naomi Campbell was there. Duchess of York, Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson. Blimey. Guess who else was there? Me! Me! You didn't really let me guess.

That was going to be my guess. Me! You were at the... I was there. Oh, I've told everyone. That's all I've talked about. Oh, I... I was there. Oh, I've told everyone. That's all I've talked about. Oh, I think you was there. My Favourite Royals now, by a mile.

Oh, Beatrice and Eugenie. Beatrice and Eugenie. Yes. They're just brilliant. Someone was telling me indiscreetly that they often get drunk and play table tennis through the night in their underwear. Really? So you've chosen to broadcast that bit of discreet information.

Listening to King Tubby albums. Is that right? They're dub crazy. Well, I need to talk to you about this evening because it was quite extraordinary. And when I arrived, I was very excited to be invited. I went with Jonathan Ross,

who I may not have mentioned is a friend of mine. I think you've brought him a couple of times. I arrived, and I was just happy to be there. And then I got introduced to Djokovic's girlfriend, charming, Jelena, new friend of mine. Oh, yeah, I've seen her. She's pretty. I said, it's lovely to meet you. We'll see you after the dinner. She said, oh, no, you are sitting with me and Novak.

No. Wow. God, that's what happens when you lose, of course. A lot of people pull out the last minute. Frank, I was the lone muggle. Yeah, we'll come back to this. I'm fascinated, to say the least. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're at the, what's he called? What's his first name? Djokovic. Novak Djokovic charity event. Yeah, the Novak Djokovic Foundation, I believe it is. Oh, he's got his own make-up range.

I'm at the table. I get to my table. I mean, we're talking seat 1A on a BA flight. Yeah. I've done well for talking seat 1A on a BA flight. Yeah. I've done well for myself, despite all these celebrities. Jonathan's done me proud, in fairness. How big was the table? There's only about eight of us.

Wow, and you're on the... So I sit down. On my right, Richard Branson. Goodness. This is the producer of Gasp. I heard that, Gasp. I thought of all that free air travel um sam branson his son on my left lovely man yeah lovely young man um i'm getting excited

that kate winslet might be there but jokovic yeah elena his girlfriend uh gerald butler on our table jeremy piven. Who's he? I don't know who that is. Mr Selfridge. Oh, okay. I never saw that. Okay, he's in Entourage, he's in. Ah. Oh, I never saw that.

So, Sam Branson says to me, we've all got those little, they're called Plasma. You know those name cards? Plasma. It's called Plasma. Brilliant. Sam Branson says to me, we've all got those little, they're called plasma. You know those name cards? Plasma. It's called plasma. Brilliant. Sam Branson is the son of Richard Branson. The insanely good-looking son.

And he's there with his wife, Isabella Calthorpe. Oh, that's for sure. And, um... Because Richard Branson's a bit Keith Lemon, isn't he, in appearance? Well, he looks good, actually. He's still got hair. So does Keith Lemon. I would.

Yeah. So Sam Branson had seen my plasma and he starts talking to me and he says um so how's how's the radio show going no I couldn't believe it I thought I don't mean to be rude to our listeners but he doesn't strike me as our demographic that isn't that smartphone in the gents toilet though he's googled you as well sure oh yeah he has actually okay because he said immediately, I said, do you listen to our show? And he said, look, I Googled you. He said, I saw the

plasma. I wish he hadn't have said it. I wish he'd have said it and you were brilliant at that, the triffids. I told Richard what he'd done. I said, you've got a very well brought up son. He's Googled me. He said, oh, I might start trying that. So anyway, I had a conversation with Richard. Finger on the pulse, Richard. And we did discuss you, because we talked about the radio show.

Big fan of yours, Frank. Who, Richard Branson? Yes, he thinks you're great. He said, I haven't seen you for years. I haven't seen him for years. Has he not got a telly? Oh, no, he's got a telly. So then I told him about Buzz.

He was very excited, because, of course, I said, well, he's named after Buzz Ald. So then I told him about Buzz. He was very excited because, of course, I said, well, he's named after Buzz Aldrin. He said, Buzz Aldrin? Well, then the Space Association. Oh, yeah. And this might or might not be the point to tell you that I think I might have arranged for you to go on the first space flight.

That would be good, wouldn't it? That would be good. It's not what you know in this business. I only found out afterwards it cost £200,000. Yes. Sorry about that. What, you mean I have to pay? Yeah, you have to pay.

Oh, I think we have a basic misunderstanding there. I thought I was going to be on Novak Djokovic's space table. No, but they had an auction, Frank. One of the prizes, celebrity auction, one of the prizes was a tennis match with Djokovic. Private tennis match. I don't know if it was at his house. He'd won it private, because you're not going to win.

I mean, I know Murray beat him, but... No, he'd do. He'd be like the old, you know, when you play the cricketers and they bowl under, he'd be like that, wouldn't he? Yeah. If he played left-handed or something, he'd probably still be like Ronnie O'Sullivan.

A week on a yacht with Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson. Oh, blimey, before and after. I always say that whenever I think, don't get photographed together, for God's sake. Sylvester Stallone's belt buckle. That was also one of the lots being auctioned, that's what I'm saying. Oh, I thought it was a new pod.

That'd be good, wouldn't it? I was in Sylvester Sands' belt book on the other night and Steve was in there. Tom's it open? Yeah. Early. I bet that's been loosened a little over the years. Oh, yeah.

We had an email in during the week. I thought I could sashay quickly onto email corner. Morning, Frank. Just to say, could you ask the man sat next to me on the train listening to your radio show so loudly I can hear every word you say to turn it down, please, all caps, or just reduce the amount of symbols you need to use before 7.30 in the morning?

Is he supplementing us with percussion? I think he is. So, good morning, I'm Frank Skinner. That would put anyone off, wouldn't it? I mean, he's spelt it S-Y, so I think maybe it's... Do you think we were doing symbolic chats? He was playing on the train. I did that 40-minute William Blake poem.

Yes, you did. What does he mean by that? I don't know. Reduce the symbols reduce the amount of symbols you need to use what does he mean were we being allegorical that day is it a poem or a text

or an email it's a haiku oh well that puts a whole new light on things and the end says it was a nice day because they always mention the weather so is this person what's he listening to it on Now, that puts a whole new light on things. And the end says it was a nice day, because they always mention the weather, don't they, in haikus, or seasonal. So is this person, what's he listening to on?

A ghetto blaster? He must be, what, anon? Oh, no, the man near him. Yeah. What happened to the ghetto? That was great, wasn't it? Oh, I love those. You always said your shoulders weren't big enough for those.

You said that in our Sony acceptance speech. Oh, did I really? I remember exactly what you said. Because I've watched it a number of times on YouTube. Do you watch it every year when the sound is come off? Every day, pretty much. Oh, now you've mentioned the sound.

It's... Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, we read that email that said, you know, reduce the amount of symbols you need to use before 7.30 in the morning. Oh, yeah. We're all confused. Someone's texted saying he meant decibels, and he's capitalised decibels.

But I just picked up my popular phone and tried to misspell. Oh. I tried to misspell. Oh. I tried to misspell. Very coy of you. I nearly said, you know, the Apple iPhone, but I thought for some reason I'd better not. Anyway, I've tried to misspell decibels and get symbols ten times, and nine times I got decibels because it auto-corrects it to decibels,

and once I got cessibels. That was the nearest. Cessibels. sessy bells. That was the nearest... Sessy bells. That's the nearest I got to symbols. Sessy bells. Some of the guesses they make. He meant decibels. They make stupid guesses.

Like I'm going to say, oh, yeah, it was nearly onions last Thursday. Obviously I didn't say that. Why would you think I'd said that? I don't like it when it stores previously used vocabulary, though. Oh, I don't mind that. It gives you think I'd said that? I don't like it when it stores previously used vocabulary though. Oh, I don't mind that. It gives me a dark insight into my

world. It means I don't have to teach you to swear again and again. I am. Yes, like a parrot in that respect. But I don't think he did mean decibels by the sound of it. No, I don't think I think it was symbolism. I think it was about our wide and varied allegories and symbols.

Yeah, but to be fair, what Anon is saying, he only objects to the use of symbols prior to 7.30 in the morning. Well, yeah, of course. After that, he's fine with it. Well, Anon, he's written a lot of the most important philosophical things in history, hasn't he, Anon? Yeah. He's the same guy, isn't he? Is he not the same guy? He writes me quite a lot of letters, which I think, well, I'd describe as disparaging. Well, I'll tell you what I do think is disparaging.

I need to speak to you about punctuality now. What? How dare you? As you know, I am a big fan of Lombardi time, which is if you're not 15 minutes early, you're late. Yes. Have you seen, not, I mean, earlier this year, we had Justin Bieber turning up when he was doing the O2, was it an hour?

Rihanna kept people that had paid £500 a ticket three hours for one of her shows. I mean, it's her own show. Yeah. Do you advertise it? And some of the tickets are Costa Monkey. That's no joke. I imagine that she...

There's only Bieber there. Yeah. I imagine that Rihanna takes quite a long time to get undressed for a show.

Yes. It's true, Frank. And to be fair, Bieber hasn't got that fallback. How long does it take to put on a baseball cap

the wrong way round? Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's when you really don't want to fall back. I suppose it would work if you did. Unless you fell on the

ape. And he doesn't even pull his tracky bottoms fully up, so he'd be dressed really quick, wouldn't he? There's no excuse. The pair of them, they can't keep it in. What do you mean? They're constantly exposing themselves. Yeah. I wish Rhianna would think

You know what, I've got a nice voice I've got talent I'm going to wear jeans and a t-shirt And a nice chunky cardigan in the future Because I don't need all this I don't need to show myself off You want Rhianna in a chunky cardigan? I think I agree with Frank

I do She doesn't need... Do you know what she needs? More confidence. Alright, squares. She needs more confidence in her material, Frank, doesn't she? Yeah, if she was on The Only Way Is Essex, you've got to have some sympathy with

those people. They have to get it out to get in the papers. They're making a living, fair play, but Rihanna don't need it. Yeah. I're making a living in fair play. That's their job. Rihanna don't need it. I'm 100% with you, Frank. I think Rihanna should join Fairport Convention. I think it would be really good if she wore a chunky jumper.

I have close personal friends in Fairport Convention, so if she needs anyone to put a word in... I should have told you that. Yes. All they've got to do, isn't it, is knit those sweaters with a bit of a looser. I should have told you that. Yes. All they're going to do, isn't it, those sweaters with a bit of a looser. A little flicker of Lacey Brazier, shall we?

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're talking about Rihanna's tardiness. Oh, yeah. She needs to... Didn't know she was a Time Lord. Yes. What was she, two hours late? Three. Three.

That is... Three hours late to the monotony. What were people doing? I think they were sat. Probably what I was doing in the 90s. I don't know. Yeah, that's a possibility. Was it in Monaco, did you say?

Mm. Oh, I bet Bianca Jagger. Was there a Roger Moore? Oh, yeah. Mm. I've heard both big both big Diana fans. That lot. Yeah.

Yes. But you see, I find on this show, we tend to... I'm the latecomer of the group. Frank's always first. Mr Punctual. You say Mr Radio, I say Mr Punctual. Cockrell, I don't know what happens. I don't want to know what happens before I arrive.

I'm assuming Cockerel's second. Yeah, I was first today. You were first. But generally, let's be honest, it's always funny. Generally, it's, yeah. And then me. Yes. And because I like people to get the full impact of my outfit,

that is going through my head a bit. I make an entrance. Do you think that's what Rihanna does as well? Yeah. I'm sure that's what Rihanna does. Billy Joel told me, and he's a bit of an expert on her. He's known as the Rihanna man. She's all about the outfits.

And so is Rihanna. Do you not like a latecomer to a gig, then? Does that throw you? Well, I was doing a gig this week at the Soho Theatre. Well, I was doing a gig this week at the Soho Theatre. Mm. And we had a late comic arrive at 40 minutes into the show. No.

The show lasts about an hour and ten. And you know what? You told your manager what time it started. He knew that. No. Yeah. But what happened is, well, he didn't just come in, but he turned up. They wouldn't let him in.

He texted his mum, who was in the gig she went out and brought him back in how old was this person four he needed his mom no i don't know and i said i mentioned his tardiness and he said oh i'm on jamaica time oh said, no, she went off her own accord. Got nothing. Tough crowd. Yeah. But it's... I found it a bit...

I suppose it's the television generation where, you know, you'll turn into a show for the last 20 minutes or something. Yeah, but not... When you do that, someone doesn't first say, you can't watch the rest of this, and you demand to be allowed to watch the rest of it. That just seems rudeness to me.

I wasn't that bothered. Really? Yeah. You aren't. Because it depends on what room you're in at the Soho Theatre as well. Well, it's tiny. I think it's 19. Oh, the studio?

Yeah. Well, that is a difficult room to arrive late into as well, because it's a fire door that they walk through, and they walk pretty much onto the stage. Yeah, onto the stage. Yeah, I've done that before. So if you're in the middle of a bit... It was terrifying.

I looked up and there was suddenly a figure. I thought it was my ex-wife. Yeah, it was... Is that a quote? It's something I heard Jerry Lee Lewis say once. He was on stage, and a woman jumped on stage to hug him and he sort of punched her in the face, but in an instinctive, defensive way.

And he said, sorry about that, I thought it was my ex-wife. Which I thought was rather fine. I walked on stage once when I was late. It was an Edinburgh Fringe Festival production of Tommy and it was in a school gym. At least he wouldn't have seen you. No. He was singing, it was Tommy Can You See Me

at the point as I walked in and he was hanging from the... Is it Tommy Can You Hear Me? No, it's all three because it's the five senses, darling. What's the third one? Tommy Can You See Me, Tommy Can You Hear Me, Tommy Can You Feel Me. Tommy Can You Smell Me? No, it doesn't say Tommy Can You Smell Me. You said all the five senses. Tommy Can You Touch Me. You'll see Emmanuel. smell me? No, it doesn't say Tommy, can you smell me? You said all the five senses. Tommy, can you touch me?

You see, Emmanuel, love is all about on be baron de la cacuia. Sorry, I must have just taken my cream jacket off. Oh, that cream jacket. Whoa, cream jacket. Yeah, I am.

It reminded me of when I used to go to the cinema as a youth, well, as a child, I suppose, that what they used to do in those days is that you could go in and watch the film and people would often come into the film half an hour late. And then they'd stay and watch the first half hour afterwards. You just stayed in and watched the beginning of it.

And then you sort of, you know, put them two and two together. Oh, so she started off in Kansas. Used to be at PayPal saying stuff like that. So did the guy that was late for your gig come and see the opening 40 minutes the next night? That would have been good. I hope so,

because I run my gigs as a serial, so I always end on a cliffhanger and I do the punchline at the beginning of the next gig just to encourage people's constant attention. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What about when I was two and a half hours late for a date? Wow. I was.

You was? I was meeting Menno, my Dutch boyfriend. Oh, yeah. I say boyfriend. I'd met him the night before. Yeah. Things had gone well. When you say Menno, I thought that was just the plural.

That was part two of the holiday. OK. This was Menno from Delft. From where? Delft. Oh, I don't know Delft. In Holland, actually. Do they have a signature cheese?

No, but they have a couple of signature artists. Vermeer, I believe, is from Delft. Well. And I don't know, text in if that's correct. It's good texting for us. It was Vermeer from Delft. But yeah, I was two and a half hours late, Frank. And it was pre-mobiles.

And do you know what? Menno from Delft was still waiting at Patch's nightclub for me. Desperate. You are having a laugh. No. He was standing there, Calvin Klein underpants over the jeans. What? Well, when I say over, you know, they were showing.

Oh, man. There was a war down there. No. No, he wasn't funny. He thought, well, these are dirty now. I'm going to put the jeans underneath. Bandana tied around the head. Wow-ee. See, I'll never wear a bandana tied round the head. Wow-ee.

See, I'll never wear a bandana in a nightclub. I'll tell you for why. Because I often used to lean against posts. Because you look ridiculous. No, but I always leaned against posts. And if you would redo your bandana and you tie it round the back of the post,

you'd make a right fool of yourself. You'd have to fall off. Did he know anybody else in this country? Is that why he just stayed there for two and a half hours? I thought you were going to ask a very personal wrong question then. Did he know anybody else? We weren't in this country. Oh, I see.

We were in Bodrum in Turkey. Oh, right. He was my boyfriend for about four days. OK. 4.2 days. Can I ask, did you feel any anxiety about the fact that he was waiting for you for those two and a half hours? Dr. Anthony Clare? No.

Really? Because I knew I was going to look good when I turned up. It was worth it. Oh, that's the difference, isn't it? I was meeting someone, I remember, on New Year's Day at one o'clock in Langley Park Shed. And there's a different... Lovely arrangement. There's a different upbringing, isn't there, Emily and her?

And my dad said, what are you doing? I said, I've just got to meet someone at one o'clock. He said, well, you know, it's ten past twelve. Do you fancy coming in the two brewers for a pint? And I said, oh, OK. So I woke up about nine o'clock that night he'd been thrown out

we'd both been thrown out I never did she never spoke to me again every cloud I find that if someone's waiting for me and I'm late I get quite anxious about them I get anxiety about punctuality.

I do, but not when I've had 11 pints of mild. No, I'm not. Anxiety is not really an option. I think on that story, slightly different rules apply. Yeah. When it comes to lateness, I've actually had anxiety dreams wherein I am late in the dream. And I think it's partly that I'm a bit insomniac sometimes.

And I think it's because I get to sleep late, and so I'm starting thinking, I'm already late to sleep, and then it sort of pervades my actual sleep. Is that weird? You're all looking at me like I'm really weird. No, I'll tell you what, it's done wonders for my insomnia. LAUGHTER Frank?

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Has someone's tummy rumbled? That was mine, yeah. That was mine. I love the way... You know what he did, Frank?

He lent away from the mic in a very professional, gnarly way. I didn't know that it was going to happen. I'm just... I'm pleased that that happened. I don't think my stomach has rumbled. Pleased? It's the nicest thing I've heard all week. My stomach never rumbles anymore.

I know. I'd say since, say, 2004 was the last time. Really? I'll check the journal. I don't think so. Love a tummy rumble. I saw a man yesterday, a man in a suit, go into a phone box

and I sort of forgot they were still operational. Who came out, though? What outfit did he have on? Grayson Perry. Yeah, but who still uses phone boxes other than to urinate? Well, people... Well, exactly. Yeah, I think it's the criminal underclass. Oh, is it?

Yeah. People still advertise it now. I mean, there's very little audience. Anyway. Email corner, I feel, Frank. Do you want the jingle? I do, actually. Thank you very much for asking.

All together now at home. Email Corner. It's like being in the Punjab. Hi, Frank and the gang. Short-time listener, first-time writer. I was listening to last week's podcast in the gym, happily pedalling away. The cockerel then took me by surprise.

Not in the gym. In how? You see, I was pedalling away in Ramsbottom Gym. The other people in the gym hopefully didn't note my glee and excitement at whatever was playing on the radio, and I braced myself for what Alan thought of the lovely town where I grew up and am still partially local to. And my parents own a shop there.

However, I had no such luck as Emily insisted that her meeting with a celebrity was more interesting. Oh, well, that's very much a one-off. Yeah. And that didn't happen this week we could that have been so please jealous so want my life so please could you make up for this and ask alan what he thought of our little town loving the show alex oh well if i like this the idea of this maybe you could do this every week.

You could review a small northern town. Go to Ramsbottom. Well, it didn't be Ramsbottom. I like the idea of you travelling round. Could be anywhere. The north's your oyster. Yeah. Is that the title of this show, that we're going to do some travelogue show where I go to places? Do you remember Brian Johnston's Down Your Way?

No, is he? It just so happens I have the theme tune here. So if you tell us about Ramsbottom, I'll give you a bit of Down Your Way. Well, Ramsbottom's a small place in Greater Manchester where I had to visit, but I never actually went to Ramsbottom. I went to an adjacent sort of village to Ramsbottom. I'm not sure this music is helping me concentrate. Well, it was either that or Savile's Travels. Well, I can see why we elected for this.

It's fallen out of favour. It was quite a weird thing. It was a great show, can I say, Bright Johnson's Down Your Way. And he used to go to a little town and he used to say, I'm with them! I'm with them, George Bradshaw. And now, George,

you make wooden horses. And it was fantastic. I don't remember it being this long, but it was... Are we doing the rest of the show with it on? Is that the plan? I think we should just permanently have it on a ghetto blaster when we walk around.

No, shouldn't we? How many symbols? was uh it was a kind of a weird thing for me i don't know if other people have this in their lives but i felt displaced that day because my car had a problem a couple of weeks ago which is when i'd been in rams bottom uh i've gone to rams bottom to get it fixed and so i ended up in this strange conversation with a car garage saying oh yeah i'm gonna come and bring it how long will the thing take and they were like well I don't know and I went okay well what can I do while I'm there are there any shops or anything because it's the countryside there's nothing and he went oh you could walk up to the to the village and in

the end I dropped the car off and walked up to a bakery. There was no cafe, there was nothing. I walked to a bakery, bought some baked goods and ate them in a children's play park with a tea and then just sort of sat there until they said, yeah, you can come back now. It was really displacing. Is that...? I think that's the perfect music.

And then when I went back there, they bombarded me with three-letter acronyms because they said, oh, your car's had DPF problems. What's that? DPF. Oh. That could be today's texting. What's a DPF?

What should we do then? No, genuinely, is that what we're going to do? I've just guessed what it is, DPF Go on Well, I don't know if it's right That's what guesses are Go on Deep personal foundation

Yes He said your deep personal foundation There's a deep purple fan in the booth Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were running a text in, which was... I was against it.

Were you? He just did it spontaneously. I didn't do that. You went rogue. On my car, what does DPF stand for? Because it went. we established your dpf went oh yeah i had problems with the dpf um a diesel particulate filter suffer with it myself says beth long time listener um sorry to hear that that's not the only one there's quite a few

people have texted in turns out it's a part of a car that's not that great i don't think but the mechanic said to me yeah yeah um, my own mechanic firstly had said, I've cleaned out your EGR because it was all clogged up with stuff. EGR, I don't know. EGR. And then he said, if it is a DPF problem, that's expensive. So that was why I had to go to Ramsbottom about the DPF. They said, oh, we can have a go at a regeneration if you do that.

And then another guy said, well, I can fix it and just tell your ECU that it's not using the deep. Oh, blimey. Honestly, I'm not even exaggerating. This is what it was like. I like ECU. And in the end, when he started... European Citizens Union.

He started talking about the exhaust, and I said, do you think that might be an SBD? Oh, you filthy old creep. You really gave me a look there. SBD was one of my favourite three-letter acronyms as a schoolboy. I remember that from school, but we're not going to. And when he said how much it was going to be, I went YOLO. It's fine. Good boy. Good use of YOLO. So I gave him my credit card and that was that. But yeah, a lot, an awful lot. I was tempted to shake hands with him at the end and say no PDAs.

There's loads of them, I mean really loads. Is that to confuse the customer, do you think? No, I think it's just because they use those words all the time. So why say exhaustive gas regeneration valve or whatever it is. But you say SBD. I say SBD. A world without TLAs would be intolerable to me. It's so much easier.

It makes life so much easier. Yeah, but it does it, though. Because you see people then saying, well, what does that mean? Well, then that's their problem. That means that they've got an ESB. What's an ESB? Educational speed bump. Oh, well, I...

See, I get picked up by cars now and again, and my management... Codding King's Cross. Someone from my management company will text me to see if the car's come. Oh, yeah. And I always text back, POB, which you often hear drivers say for...

First on board. Have you adopted that about yourself? Passenger on board, yeah. Yeah, but drivers say that. You don't say that of yourself. No, I say it. And I got to the point where instead of saying it, I had a picture on my iPhone of Pob, the children's character.

And I just used to text that to the office. And I did that for months before one of the women finally said what is that like poppet thing you take no one no one asked me what it meant um so not i think it confuses is what i think we're still trying to get to the bottom of the man who was moaning about the volume on the well you say the man let's give him his proper name. Anon. Anon, yeah. It could be a lady. Hmm. Philosopher and texter or emailer.

Just... I'll re-read the email, see if we can get to the bottom of it. Okay. Just to say, could you ask the man sat next to me on the train listening to your radio show so loudly I can hear every word you say to TURN IT DOWN, PLEASE, all in caps or just reduce the amount of symbols you need to use before 7.30 in the morning.

I missed out on my morning snooze on the train and not happy. And for clarity, symbols is S-Y. Yes. Not symbols. So there's been some raging controversy. Not that. That's what you're thinking. As to what he means, this character, as a non-character.

Well, we've been reprimanded, haven't we? Well, 657, hi, Franken-team. He obviously means syllables, you muppets. OK, so let's try that sentence again with syllables. Syllables. Just to say, could you ask the man sat next to me on the train listening to your radio show so loudly I can hear every word you say to turn it down, please, or just reduce the amount of syllables

you need to use before 7.30 in the morning? We're such muppets. So I suppose if we did use monosyllabic words, it would be a bit quieter, would it? No. No, I'm sorry, you moppet. While we're on the subject of correcting people that need to be corrected, can I just say to the taxi driver who told me a week and a half ago

that Andy Murray would not win Wimbledon and that Djokovic would? Wrong! Well, you told him. I'm really glad Andy Murray won. He's got it. So long I've been saying to the naysayers, no, Murray's going to win several Grand Slams, and now he has.

The naysayers, that's what he calls the Yorkshire people. Because they're saying, The naysayers sound like the sort of band R. Keith would have been into. Yeah, exactly. Didn't Bob hear something from Sandy Waugh about it? Well, Sandy Waugh is one of the cleverest people I know. Yeah, exactly. Didn't Bob hear something from Sandy Waugh about it? Well, Sandy Waugh is one of the cleverest people I know. Yeah, she is.

If there's something we're really puzzled by, Sandy will often stick her head around and have vast knowledge about it. But her idea I thought was quite good. You know those squares that you get when you turn the volume up on an iPod or something of that nature? Oh, yeah.

That's what he means by the symbols. So use less symbols. Do you know what I mean? The volume bars. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't look at me like that, if you know what I mean. It says turn it down, please, or just reduce the amount of symbols.

I think Sandy Wall could be right, not for the first time in her life. Yeah, but surely if he has turned it down, he has reduced the amount. Yeah, yeah. Surely if he has turned it down, he has reduced the amount of... Yeah, yeah, it's... I think... I think it could possibly be a sort of an enigma code type of a thing that we have to crack. I think this is the beginning of a Percy thriller.

Yeah, I'm... We're struggling. Anyway, we've got another hour. Oh, they've switched it off. Absolute, absolute radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

I think we all know which debate has been raging this morning. Oh, my goodness. Syllables, symbols. Decibels. We will get decibels. Do you remember we got called a Muppet earlier today? A bunch of Muppets, I believe it was. Because the man said that when this got... In case you've just tuned in,

someone was saying that the guy next to him was listening to the show and it was too loud and he said, you know, less symbols next time. S-Y-M-B-O-L-S. Yeah. So I speculated that the bloke was actually, after every punchline on the show, going... Which in three hours is seven symbol strikes.

657 countered with, he obviously means syllables, you Muppet. You called him a Muppet back. Yeah. And now... I called him a Muppet back. He's retaliated. Which is, you know, they've not even properly finished the Muppet backs because they're not seen on camera.

They're just any sort of rough textured material with the gap for the operator. And that metal... You know, they have them on like metal sticks. And that's the Muppet toy you got bought for Christmas if you watched ITV and not BBC One. Yes. 657 has retaliated. You thought he was on the ropes.

He's not. He's back up in the ring. Less syllables, shorter words. Who's the Muppets now? Can you read that one more time? Sure. Less syllables, shorter words. Who's the Muppets now? Can you read that one more time? Sure. Less syllables, shorter words. Who's the Muppets now?

Yeah, well, here's the thought then, 657. If we use less syllables and we add shorter words, that doesn't mean we would say less. It means we'd then have to use other words. Otherwise say if it's a four minute link, we'd think here's the thing, why don't we do shorter less syllable, shorter words. We wouldn't get like a minute and a half from the end and

think well we've said what we want to say now, let's just leave silence until the music comes on. We'd do more words, wouldn't we? I think we would. I think you're correct. So it wouldn't be less syllables, it'd be less it'd be more words. It'd be far more tightly packed. I think you're correct. So it wouldn't be less syllables. It would be more words. The same amount of syllables. It would be far more tightly packed.

I wonder if he means Hood, Roger Daltrey. Then maybe there's a Muppet tribute band. Who's the Muppets now? Oh. Could be. I'd love to see a Hood tribute band which were Muppets. I believe that the drummer was based on Keith Moon. Is that correct?

Yes. Animal, yes. Oh, yeah, he's good. And I worked with Ronnie Verrill. You've worked with them all. Who did all the drumming for Animal. Is that right? Yeah, he's a famous jazz drummer.

Oh, lovely. That's excellent. I'm a bit worried about the Pete Townshend Muppet, but let's move on. We also had a question. Also, can I'm a bit worried about the Pete Townshend Muppet, but let's move on. We also had a... Also, can I ask a question? Why is Muppet an insult? Aren't the Muppets well-loved?

I think they are. I think it predated Muppets. Do you think? Yeah, I think the insult. When did you first recall Muppet being used? OK, God. I don't think there was anything before the Muppets, was there? No, but you wouldn't say you moomin

they're much loved characters you kitten 336 texted hi lovely abs team which I think is an abbreviation of absolute rather than that we've all got amazing six packs

although thank you for noticing. Yeah, thanks. Oh, yeah, you're right. I don't have an amazing six-pack. Could anon... You muppet. Could anon mean what he or she actually said? Symbols, as in, like you said.

No, but it's S-Y-M-B. Maybe they mean in the music or jingles. Just a thought. But they're just misspelled symbols. I see. Morning team, if you were Muppets, which ones would you be? That's a good one. Right, you're Defo Animal.

Oh, you might be that Grover one. Oh, no, he's Sesame Street. I don't even remember that one. Oh, yeah, he's Sesame Street. I'd probably be one of the pigs from Pigs in Space. What about Cookie Monster for me? Oh, nice. Yeah. I like to think I'd be Animal, but I think I'd probably be one of the pigs from Pigs in Space. What about Cookie Monster for me? Oh, nice. I like to think I'd be animal,

but I think I'd probably be whatever the boring, slightly timid Muppet is. The northern. If there is a northern. The tight-fisted northern Muppet. And now someone's saying it's fewer syllables, you Muppets. That's a point we rejected making because we felt like it was pernickety and pedantic about grammar.

We know it's less syllables, but it's really few. I'll tell you something. For all the things that can get heated in an argument, why doesn't the person who sent the original email come back and say, I'm terribly sorry, I meant to mow you? They might not be even listening. No, they might not. They're probably deaf. If they knew what had happened, the law of unintended consequences. The trouble that they might be... No, they might not. They're probably deaf. If they knew what had happened,

the law of unintended consequences... The trouble that they've caused, honestly. And I'm not talking about Archduke Ferdinand's assassin. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're putting the Muppet debate to bed. Yes, it's too long now. Let's all just move on. We've had an email in entitled Acronyms.

Dear Frank and Co, I had a mate that I used to play tennis with who moved to Oz. I used to be, I think Oz means Australia, I don't think it's an acronym for somewhere else. It might mean Oz. I used to beat him all the time, but he won once the day before he left. Every text I received from him for a year had U-C-O-T at the end. I thought it was something to do with his Australian mobile, but actually it stood

for Undisputed Champion of Tennis. He'd been trying to stick it to me for a year, but it had fallen on deaf ears slash eyes. I'm glad that he stopped with it, though, because he knew eventually. I wonder if he did ask or if he he stopped with it though. Yeah. Because he knew eventually. I did, yeah. I wonder if he did ask or if he just had to tell him.

Excellent. Anyway, I want you to tell me, because I missed out on something last week, because I had to go to Cardiff. Yeah. And I was really, you know when someone says, oh, where would you like to come to? And you'd really love to, but you're doing something else. He was well jealous of us.

So, we got to go to the. He was well jealous of us. So, we got to go to the Rolling Stones. Daisy, producer, and I. Well, I noticed last week, I thought he was a bit upset because we were making arrangements for the evening and Daisy kept bringing, we were getting the GPS out, going, well, if I meet you,

really rubbing it in like it was an ex-girlfriend, oh, if I meet you later, thanks, we've got to get on with the show now. Yeah, and I never say that. No, I suddenly said well come on we've got a show to do i mean come on anyway was it fantastic it was beyond fantastic it was what is beyond fantastic the rolling stones okay because i tell you something well the first things first we got there we were in the Golden Circle, Absolute really looked after us, I have to say. That's brilliant.

But we had to wander through... The Golden Circle, in case you don't know, Absolute staff walk around urinating on the grass and no one can pass in or out of that circle unless they have an Absolute card. But... It's an old-fashioned, primal even way of marking your territory,

but you know what? It works. Yeah. To get to the golden, the all-hallowed golden circle, we had to walk through the normal bit. Oh. I'm calling it the tin circle. But that's good.

What did you imagine? That you would be, come down on a rope ladder into the golden circle? Some sort of copter, maybe. Oh, okay. But there was a lot of black Golden Tide? Some sort of copter, maybe. Oh, OK. But there was a lot of black tour T-shirt. Where wasn't there, Daisy? Oh, wasn't there?

It was our demographic. It was all our demographic there. Yeah, in full glory. But I'll tell you who we did meet. Vorders. Carol Vorderman. She was in the Golden Absolute Circle. Was she?

Yeah. She, bodycon dress, high heels at the gig. Blimey. We talked about you, Frank. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I said, oh, she said, oh, I love Frank. I love Frank.

And then we discussed that you'd be neighbours. Yes. And I might have said, it's not as bad as saying to Richard Branson you'd pay 200 grand to go into space. But I might have admitted that I used to use binoculars in your flat. I hope you emphasised it was you that used binoculars. Yes, I did. I did. I promise I did. Yes. Maybe you shouldn't have told her about that, but nevertheless.

I'm sorry about that. She could go to the police and report it. I know. But she's wondering, I bet that's a bit of a conundrum. She loves to dance, though. You see what I... She loves to dance, Frank. In see what I... Yeah. She loves to dance, Frank. Even heels.

Yes! In the Golden Circle, in a field. She's one of those people who've... They look better with every day. Well, talking of which, what about Mick and Ronnie? The thinness of the man. Yes. I mean, he got the clothes.

There was a few bar mitzvah jackets going on, I wasn't so sure about, with the bling. But the thin... the leanness. No, they are. I remember the last time I saw the stones, it was Mick Jagger's hips. Because you can lose weight, but your hips are your hips. They are so narrow. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I bet he's made the last minute on many a lift. You know, when you look at it, you think, oh, no way. Honestly, he should grow whiskers like a cat to judge his... Do you know what I liked? Keith, who is my favourite now? Who's your favourite Stone?

Well, I used to try and... It's interesting, because I was in a band when I was at school and beyond where we basically were the Rolling Stones. We just tried to be them. We just did Rolling Stones songs. And we were a tribute band before there were tribute bands, I think. And I was the lead singer, so I used to be very...

I used to sing like Mick, but really I wanted to look like Keith. I remember I didn't wash my hair for two weeks to try and get the look. And someone said to me, Your hair, and I thought they were going to say, it looks just like Keith. They said, it's got quite a bit of blanket in it. This was in the days before

the duvet, when bits of nylon used to come off the blanket. So it was all in, so I gave him blanket head. Do you know what I liked about Keith? Ciggies throughout the entire gig. Ciggies. Really?

One ciggy, because you see it all close up on the screen. One ciggy. You know when there's a residue, a column of ash? He hasn't even flicked it. He had about four of those in a row. How does he get on with indoor gigs, then, if he smokes something? He has to go for breaks. Does he?

I've just made that up, but I think that's what happens. I think they're allowed on, if they're on the stage? I think the theatrical presentation is allowed. Is that right? I think it's like a play, isn't it? No. The plays are still allowed. I met a friend of...

That's the legal ruling, I mean. I met a friend of orders, Conchetti. He was guest relations at the Dorchester. He loved me. Was there a lot of celebs there? Well, there was orders. Kate Moss? And there was me. Was Kate Moss there? And the Rolling Stones, were they? Yeah. No, there were celebs there? Well, there was Waters, and there was me.

Was Kate Moss there? And the Rolling Stones, were they? Yeah, no, there were celebs. Remember, do you want? So there was no Kate Moss. What's going on about Kate Moss? Rolling Stone gathers... Oh, Frank!

I think that was good, because it came up on our blind side. You know when you're on the motorway and you think I'm pulling out and suddenly we're like... That happens to me about five times a journey. Yeah, it was like that. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I know we said we'd had enough of the Muppets this morning.

Well, hold on, we never said we'd had enough of the Muppets. Oh. Well, hold on, we never said we'd had enough of the Muppets. OK, oh, we're hoping we'll get a gig in that as well. It must have been one of those Muppet films. To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. That's rather good, Phil. Very good. Phil has emailed us.

We're big Womble fans in my house. Yeah, Wimbledon people. That's the end of that email? No, it's not. But we still say things like, don't be such a stupid Womble fans in my house. Oh, Wimbledon people. That's the end of that email. No, it's not. But we still say things like, don't be such a stupid Womble to each other. Just because the Muppets are a revered institution doesn't mean we can't use them in a demeaning way. That's what people have said about me.

Okay. I stand reprimanded. Meanwhile, back in the Golden Circle, with me, Daisy and Vauders yeah oh I loved it was it just you three?

yeah just us and sounds like the opening scene of Macbeth you three sitting in a golden circle of urine in a

in a parky wasteland no there were some nice men men would come up to you I say come up to me they're all checking out Daisy obviously she's attached so she would buff their advances. I imagine that Carol must...

All I got was Conchetti, the head of guest relations in the Dorchester. Yes, exactly. He went, I love you, I love you. So it was fine. It was tricky getting out because it got a bit bun-fighty. We had to leave orders by the hand out of the venue. What, because she was scrapping? No! No, she's a lady. She wouldn't do that.

But I did get to share a cab with Adrian Hyatt, our newsreader. Oh! And Andrew Bailey, head of news. Well, it was an absolute extravaganza. Sounds like you got home very well informed. It's a bit of a stark contrast with the earlier story of the tennis party. No disrespect to... Have I ever told you before that I won a Radio 1 road show,

Mick Jagger impersonating contest. Shut up. At Eastport. You did not. I did, and I won an album by Jigsaw. Do you remember Jigsaw, the band? Hi, hi. I think that was there.

Talk us through your impersonation, if it's possible. So clothes. It was the usual. Well, I had on what I had on. I hadn't dressed for it. What did you mean, put a costume on? Well, I didn't know there was going to be a Mick Jagger impersonating. What did then?

You know, I won. You've already had it in your locker. I won. I won that. And I got my own. No, hang on. Don't just say won that. What happened to get you on stage?

I had to mime to satisfaction. A mime? So it was very hands on the hips. How did you know you could do it beforehand? Because I'd been doing it for years we all parlour game and I once went on stage at Samantha's

in Birmingham, a nightclub for a John Wayne impersonation thing and I did the you know get on your horse and all that stuff and I won it and the bloke who came second got up dropped his trousers and said, Birmingham City, champions of Europe.

That was his John Wayne impression. I don't know if you've seen that. It's one of the earlier movies. OK, I think we've had a text here that finishes problem solved. So we might be able to put this whole thing to bed now. OK. It says, he meant symbol, C-Y-M-B-A-L.

He meant symbol because it is the annoying high-frequency noises you hear when someone else is wearing headphones. Problem solved. When someone's next to you, that... Is this Morse code? No, but that is what you hear. I'll see if I can... Actually, you don't hear that.

I like that. But, you know, you hear... Unless you sit next to a budgerigar. And then you get... To be honest, they shouldn't be on the quiet coach anyway, should they? anyway no they shouldn't, they're unreliable as far as silence is concerned we've had a few more communiqués I think that's right, I think that's probably

he did mean there he thinks me spelt symbol Wes Spicer has tweeted us when asked about my ideal dinner party line-up I simply say Frank and the team that's it you can keep your Elvis and Jesus. Less lovely.

I mean, you're big fans of their work. Yeah, I am. I'm massive fans of their work. Yeah. Frank's two idols. I have to say their eating habits were very different. Hello, Frank, Em and Al. Also, I hate wine, if you know.

Oh, so you and Jesus,, yeah Emily wouldn't enjoy the bread So it'd just be me having wine Wine and fish sandwiches I'd quite enjoy that Sounds good, I'm in Do you like a glass of wine with a meal? I like a bottle of wine with a meal I think what I like to do is curl up on the sofa

With a good DVD and a glass of red wine I actually do like that, that's not that bad bad dating websites that's what men say on dating websites is it they want to make themselves sound cozy and approachable and like they're not never curl up there was curl up on a sofa with a good bottle of wine men on dating websites yeah and comble and sausages that's the only people who curl up. They don't put that on the dating website. Hello, Frank, I'm an owl. Nicky Clark, he probably curls up.

Who? Nicky Clark. Keep going. Just wondering if Frank knows, I've heard that when she gets angry, Lynn folds wood. Oh. Yeah.

Yes, folds wood. If I wasn't an avid reader, then I'd say great show, but I won't. Anyway, nevertheless, that is all. John and Devon. We let a bit of price through but never again. Yes, also

do you know Kim Sears? No, but thanks for the tip. She was wearing Victoria Beckham, I noticed. Did you see that? The mint green. I don't know if you saw that over Gavin Henson's peck, but she was wearing a mint green VB dress. And Victoria was there. Yes, because she's also repped by Simon Fuller.

Yes. Oh, it's a whole world going on there. But Rooney sat in front. They didn't seem to be chatting, Posh and Rooney and Colleen. I thought Colleen and Wayne, they stood out a bit. It wasn't their scene. It's a bit competition winners. Well they brought some Nandos with them as well I reckon.

I believed that. I thought Victoria looked very smart. I didn't take in the celebrities because I was watching it with my little boy who's nearly six and it's quite difficult to explain tennis to somebody under the age of six

because there's so much confusion when you say okay, in this when you've got no points, it's not called no points, it's called love. And he's like, love? And then when they're level, it's juice. Because love is like a magical where's my cream jacket? Love is like a magical

flowery Manuel. It's a lot... It's very difficult to explain tennis to the juniors. I don't know how they pick it up when they're kids. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Remember that? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I have a son, Baz, as some of you will know.

And he has, he's about, he's coming off of 14 months now. And he's recently discovered dancing. I mean, in quite a big way. Oh, does he love it? He's got rhythm. He's a bit of a Mick Jagger.

And I can't dance. But he, yeah, you should see his moves. He dances to my biscuit barrel. Oh. Which is, I know that's not orthodox, but when you open, my biscuit barrel is a hip-hop character. Oh. And when you lift the head, when you raise the head on it,

he goes, well, I'll tell you how he goes. He goes, he goes, let me see, he goes, chocolate chip, oatmeal, peanut butter too. I'm the cookie wrapper. I'm a-rapping for you.

And then he says, I'm not sure about this bit, don't stand there lazy, looking like a bookie reaching and have yourself a cookie. And I think, well, a bookie's known for their laziness. Or are you just after a rhyme,

Mr. Cookie Wrapper? But anyway, I open, so when I open it for a biscuit, Buzz dances to it. Does he? He dances to everything. He dances to me playing the ukulele. The phone goes, he dances to that. Does he? He dances to everything. He dances to me playing the ukulele. If the phone goes, he dances to that. You have got house music as a ringtone, though, haven't you?

I have, yes. That makes sense. High energy. Yeah. What's his moves, then? Is he hip-based? Little shuffle? He does a lot of... I mean, he can't stand up. No. So it's all from the... Well, nor could you for many years. No, it's sort of Jessie J, you know,

Jessie J sitting down dancing. Yes, I like that. He could still do Fish Little Fish cardboard box, though, couldn't he? Yes. He could do that. I'll teach him the moves. It's fun to watch, but I like him. Well, you like it, but I read there was another dancing story,

because did you read about Mark Harper, who I believe is the immigration minister? Daily Mail readers will be familiar with his work. Yeah, from... Or lack of it. Turning up the symbols on the volume as we speak. Oh, yes. He went, not dancing on the ceiling,

I know this story. He was in a crate. He was dancing on a table, I know this story, he was in a crate, yeah, yeah. He was dancing on a table in a London night spot. Yeah. That's an incredible thing for an MP to do. And he fell off, he became a Roy Cropper, he fell off. I would say if you're a Tory MP, the words you don't want in a story about you are

Soho and table and dancing. I would say, try and avoid those three words. Also, women, fine. But men? Yeah. Slippy socks? I would say try and avoid those three words also women fine but men yeah men slippy socks and creased shirts

oh do you think he took his shoes off yeah I bet he had the little socks on like the dog in socks oh well that's oh what dog in socks

well I always think when men have small feet it looks like a dog in socks oh the little paws I thought you meant he was wearing his dog in socks

oh my god we have no evidence that it looks like a dog in socks. I thought you meant he was wearing his dog in socks. Oh, my God. We have no evidence that... What's he called? He's the MP for Mark Harper. Mark Harper. MP for the Forest of Dean. There's no proof that he has dog in socks. Is that what you want us to say?

I thought Emily got rid of the Forest of Dean. What was he thinking of to do that? Well, it was his wife's... Was it his wife's leaving do? Maybe she was leaving him. Nice person to have a party for. Yeah, she said, look, I brought you out to tell you I'm leaving you. And he actually got on the table and started dancing. Very insensitive.

But it's a story. It wasn't a big story, really, though, was it? You'd think it'd be a career threat now even I who's I'm attention seeking to the point of it being a bit of a syndrome

no I won't have that yes but even I have never danced on a table really plant pot is the most I've done you've danced on a plant pot

in a plant pot it was a very large like an urn were you in Bill and Ben as a child no you did do a lot of child performing I did but. Were you in Bill and Ben as a child? You did do a lot of child performing, didn't you? I did, but I wasn't in that.

I was in a nightclub in Greece, and I wanted to impress a Greek goth with a Cure T-shirt, and I just... Was that a Greek god, and you're mispronouncing it? It's a Greek goth. Yeah, it's a Chris Eubank story. He also likes Matt and Luke goth quite a lot. I've danced on a chair once.

I say I've danced on a chair. I changed the lightbulb with wet hands. That's the nearest I've gone to dancing on a chair. And how many cockerels does it take to change a lightbulb? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Now, not only have we had the first male Wimbledon champion in 77 years this week, there's also been a news story that the Railway Children, as a film, has attracted its first ever complaint after 40-something years, I think it is. 40 years. Apparently families have gathered to watch movie classic The Railway Children and now the ratings body, the BBFC, British Board of Film Classification, I think one of them went wrong on my car as well,

has received its first complaint about it, saying that it might encourage children to go and play on railway lines. I know it's bad to laugh, but it does seem a bit preposterous. Well, does it? Because I read this and I thought, actually, that's not a bad point. Did you? Yeah, because they do. They do really hang around on the railway lines, don't they?

They do. But it's too retro. I'm sorry, you can't go back that far to complain. Oh, well, I'm happy. Are you? Yeah that far to complain. Oh, well, I'm happy. Are you? I would complain, the only other Wizard of Oz I would complain about, even as it always bothered me,

that, no, honestly, this is a serious point, when they go, en route to Oz, they go through poppy fields, and they lie down in them, and obviously it's a narcotics reference, which I think is really inappropriate. The scarecrow was strung out.

Strung out? I have never been strung out. The scarecrow was strung out. Ah. I don't think I got that reference. Did you not? My parents told me. Maybe other people's parents didn't tell them that. Well it's not too late to complain apparently. If it was shown I would probably

complain now. I like the idea that they got the complaint and that the people at the BBFC, whose job it is to watch, presumably, all kinds of terrible films, all went, oh, this is a good one. Let's make an afternoon of it. And they just sat on a couch to re-watch the real one. They must have had to re-watch it, do you think?

I suppose so, to check. Do you think they curled up like a Cumberland Tottenham to re-watch it, do you think? I suppose so, to check. Do you think they curled up like a Cumberland Tottenham to re-watch BBFC? I don't think you curl up for the railway. I don't see why people... Curl up with a glass of wine. But I don't see why people shouldn't be able to, because kids still watch it, so why not?

Kids still watch E.T. But I seem to remember there's a point in that where someone goes to a tool shed and some character in there says I'm an alien and they take him into their house. I wouldn't recommend that to people would you? Children shouldn't go in tool sheds If a man, children, if a man

says I'm an alien and he's hiding in your tool shed don't take him into your sister's bedroom. That's probably, I think we're into another area of people complaining about things that happened a long time ago. Anyway, I would complain. If I've got a complaint from the past, I would be Lee Harvey Oswald.

How? I think slightly impaired my enjoyment of the first Doctor Who episode. How so? Well, he shot President Kennedy the day before the first Doctor Who episode. And I remember in our house we were still a bit hanged dog. Because Kennedy was a Catholic president. We felt we had someone in there, a representative. And yeah, it was quite a lot of sadness in the country. And I remember I watched Doctor Who.

Honestly, can you believe i can clearly remember watching doctor who and i remember clearly remember the the three news flashes the night before that announced the death of president kennedy and uh i just think i would have liked that to her first doctor who more it's even worse some people are so selfish they shoot these people they don't think about the implications for people that aren't even around. Do you know what I mean? They're so... It was worse in the 80s and early 90s when you set the video for something

and then there was a big news story and it meant that you didn't record what you were hoping to get. We don't have that with Sky Plus anymore, do we? Or whatever provider you've got. No, as I've often said, I miss missing stuff. And, I mean, Ronnie Wood, he's got... He was terrified by Wurzel Gummett. And, you know what?

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. We love you all. Now get out. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. we love you all. Now get out.