The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Team Gum

Episode Date: April 26, 2014

This week the team are in Newcastle. They discuss Frank's new found love of gardening, Moyes' exit, Jamaica Inn and of course a visit to email corner.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why not text our little show on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email us directly through the Absolute Radio website. And relax. So, yes, we're in Newcastle. I can see the Tyne from the window. Can you?

No. We're on a roundabout. I can see Tyne Daly. She's doing a local theatrical performance. We're on something of a central reservation, so Frank should feel very at home here. Yes. Oh, I suppose we are a bit.

Yeah. I've noticed there's two, there's a bar next to this studio. We are in Newcastle. Yeah, called Buddha Bar. Oh, yeah. And then just down the road there's a thing called the Cafe Cross, which has got like a crucifix outside it. Right. All the world's great religions being reduced to just places for refreshments.

Sale of alcohol. Yeah, very, very depressing, that is. They're lovely and friendly, the Geordies. I met a pug already this morning. How come the clichés? Well, it's true. I met a pug already this morning. And to celebrate almost the fact that we're in Newcastle,

I see the Daily Mirror giving away a free loaf. Oh, no. Today, yeah. I don't know. Tole, I see the Daily Mirror giving away a free loaf. Are they? Today, yeah. Just felt, I don't know, to me that feels very Northern thing to do. Give away a loaf? Out come the clichés. It's a bit, um, it's a bit le miserable. Yeah.

You know le miserable? I do, yeah. Yes. It was what happened when Amanda Holden left him. I give away free cake. Let them eat cake, I say. Do you? That's because you wouldn't eat cake because of your strict regime.

Am I right? Yeah, possibly. We've got a lovely... We're at the Metro Radio Studios in... I don't know if it's all right to plug in. It's probably owned by our overall bosses. This is nodding. But there's a lovely clock in the corner.

It's much better than the absolute clock. I love it. I'll tell you what, I'm on tour at the moment, and one thing I've enjoyed more than anything is the occasional public clock. Wow, so glad you said that. They're rarer than they used to be. When you think of what I used to enjoy on tour,

and now it's shared timepieces. But you know you used to always get the town hall clock and stuff. There's not so many about, but when I see one I really find it reassuring. That's nice, darling. Because sometimes you see lesser ones on churches. They haven't even put the time right. It's a public clock. It's broken Britain, Frank. It is.

Yeah. Broken... Broken clocks. Broken clock Britain. That's what it ought to be called. We've had some lovely... That's what they used to call firm Britain at school, apparently. We've had some lovely reviews of your little show. Oh, OK. People really enjoyed it. You know we don't do praise.

Oh, I know. But that's nice. Thank you for that. I shall read them in the privacy of my apartments so um apartments yeah it's um oh i've got two i've got two medals on this week listen oh that's my jewelry you know that thing that like you know that thing like west indian fast bowlers do where you have you have a chain around your neck but you have what instead of one medal you have like a couple of things on. I'm doing that I can imagine that but I don't get cricket references Well I'm just explaining

what it is. You didn't even have to come anywhere with me. I went all the way to you Look at it that way. But I had an interesting experience this week which is something I've heard of but I never knew it could happen. It rained and I honestly thought to myself oh this will be good for the

garden i honestly unironically thought that to myself good very you're thinking in the titch marshian way i am i mean i love all things titch marshian with the possible exception of titch marsh you do do a very fine impression of him though though. But, you know, I've moved, some of you may recall that I moved in December to a house with a garden. And, yeah, for the first time I felt the gardening thing. So that could be my new crazy trend. What do you think? Gardening? Yeah, that'll catch on.

He was listening you said absolute absolute frank skinner on absolute radio so yeah i'm my next um thought is that i might like my dad i might get some uh well not must get them as declare must declare a pair of gardening trousers. Oh, yeah. Gardening trousers? Yeah. My dad had his gardening trousers,

which he only ever wore in the garden and which were never washed, ever. Right. And the pockets always had, like, string in them and always a penknife. Oh, nice. That doesn't sound worrying. No, everyone carried a pen. Everyone I knew carried a penknife. Oh, nice. That doesn't sound worrying. No, everyone carried a pen.

Everyone I knew carried a penknife in those days. I don't think it's died out, the penknife. No, I think it's still pretty much alive. I don't see so much string these days, either. You got one, Al? I bought one recently, actually. You really? I think you've gone Swiss, though.

I did, yeah. Always very penknife. These were old basic penknives. I just had, like, maybe one blade or two. Yeah, my father-in-law has one like that. Can I say as well, it must be a good 15 years since I've seen a ball of string. Really?

You just don't see such things anymore. I actually implied a ball of string this very week. Did you? Yeah, because... I don't think you should speak about runners on television programmes like that. My girlfriend was in the garden with her mother and our son, and I went up to my garret where I work,

and I got his panda, portly panda. I tied a string to his Miss World-type sash. From a proper ball of string, and I lowered him the four stories to the ground below. Excellent. So they were sitting, and suddenly a panda appeared in their midst. Oh. That's the sort of lengths I'll go to for a laugh.

Yeah. Brought the house down. That's good. And answered the question, how long is a piece of string? So now we know it's four stories minimum. Yeah, but it was... I mean, one minute you're sitting there, next minute suddenly there's a panda.

Brilliant. Come on. So where are you going to get these trousers from then? Don't go Sunday Supplement. No, you can't. He's got hundreds of pairs. Yeah, you can't buy. You've got to pick your least favourite trousers.

Oh, do you? You don't mind getting soil on the knees. I'd go for a pair of Combats from sort of... Yeah, I'm thinking maybe Combats. Those ones that used to have, like, string in the bottoms of the chest. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and you could tighten those up. Adjustable cord, yeah.

Tighten those up if it was ratting country. Yeah, the handy of those. I like you going a bit Gary Greenfingers. I'm definitely getting a penknife. That's my... Yeah. I'm going to see if I can get one in Newcastle. You'll probably get sent one now you've said this. Well, I'm in Sheffield soon. That's the place. Yes. For cutlery. Yeah, yeah. I think they still do.

I think maybe they're probably... I don't... I have a feeling that they've probably been lumped in with, you know, the bad knives that people carry. Yeah. That would be a worry. I don't want to think that knife... Obviously knife crime. We on Absolute disapprove of knife crime. But I don't think pen knives should be dragged in.

No. I saw a youth on the telly talking about his life of knife crime. I must have told you about this. And he got out, he said yeah, this is what I carry. And he got this knife out. And it was a big, nasty-looking knife.

But the blade was a word. It formed a word. You know, it had holes in it. It formed the word pizza. Pizza. It said pizza, honestly. And this was the... Did you dream this? No, this was the knife that he carried and terrorised the local streets with.

That doesn't sound like an appropriate pizza cutter. That's usually a sharpened wheel, isn't it? Yeah, pizza slicer. That'd be great if somebody pulled a pizza wheel on you. Yeah, one move from you. That's the Chicago way. And a margarita my way out of there. Yeah, you say that again and you'll be segmented.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I think we've had some texts. We've heard from the outside world, 8, 12, 15. I bought a penknife on a school trip when I was little, didn't really know what to do with it, so I cut up my pyjamas just to ensure it got some usage and wasn't a total waste of money.

My mum wasn't very happy is it from vivian westwood apocalypse punk rock was born the rest as they say is history yes not not this fortnight we've also had um a tweet in i'm not sure how i feel about it okay from some a character called simon gosden he looks nice in the avatar he he has got um a hat. He looks nice in the avatar. He has got a hat on. You look nice in the avatar is something you wouldn't have heard. You know, you look great on the dance floor. Yeah.

He says, my Saturday morning guilty pleasure, listening to Frank on the radio. Oh, thank God for that. Oh, good. I thought he brought up. But how do you feel about us being a guilty pleasure? Well, I'm not sure about the whole concept of the guilty pleasure. I think we all agree on this, probably. What do you mean? Well, because for me, I mean, I have had guilty pleasures in my life.

I don't wish to know. Pleasures about which I feel genuinely guilty, like vandalism, for example. I once completely destroyed a bus stop with a massive lump of concrete. I feel guilty about that pleasure. And that's a genuine guilty pleasure. If I listen to Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr., I don't feel guilty about that. I feel erotic.

But that is a classically named guilty pleasure. Is it? Yes. Brilliant though, it's just good. I think people should be tried to decide what is a guilty pleasure and what is it, rather than being able to pick it themselves. Yeah. OK, Simon, might not be the answer you were expecting, but there you go.

Could you have an insufficient evidence pleasure, which is one which is slightly borderline? Which is the thought. I'd like him to explain why he thinks that we should feel guilty, that he should feel guilty about listening to us and enjoying it. Surely that's the whole purpose of the film. It seems to suggest that he uses the guilty pleasures in some sort of rubbish category.

And it suggests that the guilt is our secret design for rubbish. But I'm fine with that. I'm just glad he's joining in. What about that? What about that for a turnaround that he didn't see coming? Yeah. Eh? At the end of the day, humanitarianism has saved us.

Let's get back to your garden. Ah, yes. Oh, sorry, I think there is another text. Oh, Al's got a text. Go on, Al. No, no, no, don't get him sulky. Oh, don't. He's already sulked with me this morning. Hi, Frank and the team.. Go on, Al. No, no, no. Don't make it, don't make it. Don't get him sulky. Oh, don't. He's already sulked with me this morning.

Hi, Frank and the team. I'm an avid fan of your show, but I missed last week as I was in Gretna Green getting married. Could you repeat it? I was in Gretna Green. No. I thought he was going to say, I missed last week. Could you repeat it this morning?

It's good to be back today. That's from Joanna in Norfolk. I just thought it was nice. In Gretna Green. Is that going to be? I wonder how old she is. Is that going to be a marriage thing? She's done it, yeah. Yeah, she's got married. In Gretna Green, is that going to be a marriage thing? She's done it, yeah.

Yeah, she's got married. In Gretna Green. Last week. That's what people do there. Wow. So congratulations. I had a mate who did that. He just got,

him and his girlfriend got in his car, they just headed off and just did it just out of the blue like that. Really? Lovely.

The witnesses, there was two witnesses, a cleaner and a woman who come to pay her rent. Brilliant. Brilliant. Both of them were in Take the High Road. Yeah. Tack the High Road.

That was the one when they put carpet on the high road. Anyway, what about your garden? So this was my next step. I went to Home Base. You did not. Yeah. Do you know Geri Halliwell went there last week? No.

Are you kidding me? She was packed there. No. Yes. What, did she step in front of a car? She was carrying bags of soil and all sorts. You are what? That's a burial being planned.

Hell hath no fury like Geri Halliwell scorned. How did you find Homebase? Well, I just looked at... No, I'm not going to do the sat-and-half joke. Certainly not with your sense of direction, because it wouldn't help. I went to Homebase. I needed a lawnmower.

You are a lawnmower man. Yeah. What's a lawnmower man? That's the thing thing isn't it? It's a film with Who's Brosnan? Dennis Leary Oh

He's a close personal friend of mine Anyway So I bought some gloves as well I thought I'm going to get some gardening gloves I thought it's possible I could do the whole gardening thing just with my hands Yeah If I get some Like a mole

Yeah I think I could dig Rake And cut the lawn just with my hands peter the wild just throw myself into the garden and just roll around in the frenzy like digging and tearing stuff up i love it when you go for feral yeah there is frank goes feral but there's i'd watch that there's such sturdy gloves i honestly feel like i could tear a house down with them how much are gardening gloves?

I'm going to guess. I have no idea. £16.99. No, they were cheaper. £7.99. I got two pairs. Because I thought if I get really good at it, I might wear a pair on my feet as well.

I can do the lawn in five minutes. I'm just going around like some terrible sort of starfish. Why did you get two pairs? I can do the lawn in five minutes. I'm just going round like some terrible sort of starfish. It's a little... Why did you get two pairs? One for gardening and one for falconry. It's a spare pair. I'm trying to encourage the girlfriend in, you see. So I thought I'd go his and hers on the gloves.

I'm trading an ape to do the gardening. Those two weren't related, by the way, those two. No. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, I'm in Homebase and suddenly there's an announcement. Oh. And it says, in two two minutes we will be giving free gifts away

onto the flashing lights area. I can't describe how incandescent I am about missing out on these freebies. Have some sort of disco area. This is the first time I've been in Homebase and it just so happens to coincide with this moment when they're giving away free gifts. Please don't tell me you went over to the flashing lights. Oh, what, did I?

I'm so embarrassed. Like a moth to a flame. I can't believe that I get called stingy on this show. I know, but a free gift. He's there. Come on. Not worried about getting papped next to Gerry Halliwell? No, dragging soil out.

I'm just imagining the long walk over to the flashing lights area. Maybe some girls are loud playing. There's always girls are loud in that place. There was a bit where I'm sort of looking around for the lights. While they're playing something. The lights weren't quite above the free gift area. They were just to one side. So was that someone's text come through?

No, it's a terrible 80s laptop I've got. Oh, OK, lovely. I saw four people carrying it in for me. So I went there and a lady came out. And I was just ready for my free gift, then back to the lawnmower. Not knowing what it was, though. No, but I knew it would be gardening-based, or so I thought. Anyway, she got out a piece of, I think it was called magic cloth.

Can I ask a question at this point? How many people had also gathered in the flashing lights area for the freebie? I'd say there was about six of us. Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. Well, it was like early on a Tuesday morning, you know what I mean? Six of you, and you were one of them. We'll call them the free gift six from now on. Yeah, exactly. We'll call them the three gift six from now on. Yeah, exactly.

We are innocent. So this lady gave us a free bit of magic cloth each. I thought, am I going to end up with an enormous beanstalk? I don't want the result. Did you talk to the other five? Well, we were, you know, we were very focused. I think we were, in one way we were bonded together, and in another way we were arch rivals.

So she started then doing a demonstration. Of course. And I thought, well, hold on. What, with the cloth? Yeah, with the cloth. Oh, that's disgusting. I must say, it was absorbent, and then some. But even so, I thought, no, that wasn't really the way this was sold.

It was sold that we were just going to get free gifts. I don't really want the demonstration. And the idea was that we bought a bigger piece of cloth. That was how it worked. So the cloth we were given was just a fragment. I'm calling it a gateway drug. Yeah, it was like that. It's like a timeshare thing.

And there's a bit where she said, and these bits of cloth are sort of like your ticket to buy the big cloth. And I thought, well... Your ticket! Suddenly cloth has become a currency. It's become an entrance document. What's happened with cloth, suddenly? um document what's happened with cloth suddenly um so um i thought i don't want to be part of this anymore this new cloth world um i'm not touching cloth myself so um 36 i was knowing

the difficult point where she was mid i, feverishly demonstrating the magic cloth. She was flogging that cloth. She was. And there was a bit where she compared it favourably to chamois leather. Did she? What did she say? She was dismissive of chamois. She says, look here, she got out a piece of chamois.

I don't know what she'd done with it. It was in a terrible state. She said, look at this. The magic cloth would never get into that kind of... I thought chamois has been... You know, that's an animal. It's a goat, the chamois. Is that right?

Yeah. The chamois. Yes. Also, the chamois has been around for some time. Let's give it its propers. It deserves a bit of respect. Even if it's been superseded, exactly. You know, respect to it.

But now she was completely dismissive. Anyway, we had to... I said we're going to have to go. And we're going to have to go. Was this you to the others? Yes, I did that terrible thing. You're the Free Cloth Six. Well, I did that.

We're going to have to go. I'm the ringleader. We're about to be going. I like the fact it was the self-styled spokesman of the Free Cloth Six. Well, I did that. We're going to have to go. I'm the ringleader. We're about to be going. I like the fact it was the self-styled spokesman of the Free Cloth Six. But what I ended up doing, I had to leave. And she was, like, mid-demonstration. I had to just walk away. Oh, no.

So she was, by now, feverish in her pro-clothness. And I just wandered back to the... I just caught her eye as I left, and she looked genuinely hurt and... I might say disgusted. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I think I bring news. I think I've got an update on why Simon... Medieval town choir. That's right, yeah. I think I've got an update on why Simon considers us a guilty pleasure. Oh, yeah. He says, Hi, Frank, Alan and Forrest of Dean.

I do my weekly ironing while listening to the show. It gets me through an arduous weekly chore, like an iP while jogging so i think that's what he's saying like it's a guilty pleasure because he's listening to the radio but he's meant to be having the ironing we'll try again so what's happening is you're doing the task perfectly well yeah i love ironing with the radio on that's all right isn't it i don't know i've never ironed i think i've ironed him with the radio on. That's all right, isn't it? I don't know. I've never ironed. I think I've ironed about five things. I love I've never ironed. It's like I realised on the way up to Newcastle, I've never opened a train door.

What? I don't know. I've managed to avoid it. Someone's always done it for me. Just the other person. I've relied on the kindness of the other person. It's quite a thing. I worry we might be losing touch with the common people

in this section of the show. I've never ironed. I've never opened a train door. Oh. No, I think you'll find there's a lot of men who've never ironed. And a lot of women who've never opened a train door because a man normally does it for you.

Well, isn't that strange? Just another man, another commuter. Yeah. No, not your special man. No, not my special man. Not your train door man. Yeah. That'd be a job.

A bloke with a really muscular right arm. Do you still have to do that thing when you pull the window down and pull your arm down? That's what I couldn't work out. It felt very Brief Encounter and a bit retro. I thought, you can't still have to do that. What you need is the man who gets chased by the police dog when training, who's got the big padded forearm thing.

Oh, I love that. You just put that on. Always an Alsatian. Or you with one of your gardening gloves on if you reached out the window and the alsatian was still hanging on the forearm just got back from a training session never that's very interesting it was terrible i didn't know what to do i went to pull the window down and i looked at some newcastle student and i said do i pull it do I pull it and he just looked at me blankly so I pushed it down pushed the handle and then I fell out

fell onto the platform I've done it I'm really proud of myself to come up here and have a new experience thanks Newcastle text in if you've ever opened a train door no don't oh the home base thing. Oh, yeah.

After I'd left the cloth lady, about, I would say, five minutes later, another announcement went up to say... Oh, don't, don't. ..we are giving away free gifts in the flashing light. And I realised, I thought, have I ever landed on my feet? I've gone into home base and it just happens to be. Turns out every five or ten minutes they were giving away

and it was exactly the same. That's terrible. The cockerel, while we were listening to the music there, had a very good idea that I could actually have a gardening suit. Yeah. Because you do like a suit. Rather than... Well, we established as well, you wore a suit to Homebase, didn't you?

I did. Doesn't everyone't everyone no no one does i didn't i think you know i can imagine a gardening suit worsel gormage wore a suit didn't he yeah that's who you're basing yourself on currently you're a lot like him is that what you think but he was you know he was a man of the earth oh he's certainly a man of the earth yeah so i think I could get away with that. Of course, Russell Crowe was terrified of him. We've had a tweet from rather close to home. This is from Dan Black. He says, engineering for Frank on the radio and his team on Absolute Radio,

live from Newcastle today. Oh. Keeping it in the Bauer family such a laugh. That's nice, isn't it? I like that, Dan. I like the cut of his jib. I'm just slightly worried now that he's completely eyes on the prize if he's texting while he's doing the engineering thing. But anyway, I suppose we'll make do and mend.

We've also had a text that I think you might want to prick your ears up about. Frank and Co, my neighbour across the road where I used to live, gardened in a suit. He was a weird man. That's from Jeannie. Frank, it'd be very hard not to look eccentric, gardening in a suit. No, but what happens is the suit, it takes on the characteristics of the landscape.

That's what happens. It becomes a gardening suit, so then it doesn't look like you're being too showy. Because you've got things like half a packet of seeds in the breast pocket. It's good for pockets, actually, the suit, innit? There'd be plenty of nooks and crannies there to keep stuff. It's the kneeling.

It'll smell absolutely lovely. There's a lot of kneeling. I'm thinking I might have a couple of knee pads maybe stitched into the suit, like Robocop. Can't I just buy you a nice boiler suit? That's what you want. I don't know. What colour are you thinking?

You're going to get me a Versace. Yeah, sort of crushed velvet. Crushed velvet isn't around as much as it used to be. No. What happened to that? That's this morning's texting. What happened to Crush Velvet? Crush Velvet, where?

I remember I went to an auction when I was on holiday once. Strange holiday pastime. I say auction because it reminded me of this magic cloth thing. Because we were all gathered around and he gave us a biro each and already auction yeah i was hooked already free biro i thought who needs michael parkinson and his outlandish promises on daytime tv yeah um advertising death on daytime television um and the idea was every time he'd go, oh, we have to pay a pound to be.

Oh. I had it in my head that we'd got a free biro each, but we'd also paid a pound. Yeah. I didn't quite work out that the two were connected anyway. So he'd say, who's paid a pound? We'd all hold our biros in the air excitedly. And he'd start, so he got this one thing,

and he got like, it was some fabulous hi-fi equipment. I think there might have been a radio cassette player. Can I just say great pronunciation of hi-fi? I love that. What else do you say? Hi-fi? I don't know, but I loved it. Anyway, then

he gave it to a man for like two quid. What, the hi-fi? Yeah, this hi-fi thing. And we were all complete we thought this is this could be us next i'd pay more than two quid it could be you and the man said that's how they really win it could be you yeah exactly so he says to the man there's your change dave we didn't suspect and i ended up i bought three sealed boxes did you I didn't know how much I'd paid for them or what they contained. I don't want to be Noel Edmonds. Yeah.

When I got them home, there was a glass fish, and then the next one contained the China Shire horse, and then the next one also contained the same Shire horse. And I don't know how much I've paid for them. And that's why I've had to be something of a recluse in life because I'm too open to exploitation. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran and we're in Newcastle-upon-Tyne today. I haven't been anywhere that's truly hyphened for such a long time. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email us via the Absolute Radio website or our old favourite, text us on 812 15. I've had some texts in.

Good. We had a tweet from I'm not going to read his name actually Oh is it that kind of I'm just not sure about it Lovely avatar though of some sort of horse Hi Frank Your pronunciation of hi-fi

Had me in stitches Do you also say Caravan and co-op Hashtag strange inflection. I'd rather like that. You do have a few strange inflections. Star Wars. Oh, you do, Frank.

Star Wars. Do you remember when Sven-Jerich Ericsson used to talk about the World Cup? He was like, have I got Steven Gerrard i've been pulled up on yeah yeah we've also had an email entitled home base morning speaking of home base yesterday in the huddersfield store my wife witnessed a guy get 125 pound lawnmower for 20 pound as someone had moved an incorrect price sign onto it the shop manager tried to say it was an error and he couldn't sell it for that, but the guy stood his ground and eventually got his bargain. Never has an email been more based

in Huddersfield in all its life. No, but that is a great story. That's it. I love that story. It's up there with Gawain and the Green Knight, as far as I'm concerned. £20? £20?

£20? You're just into gardening as well. I'm concerned. 20 quid? Yeah. 20 quid? You're just into gardening as well. This is so you two this story. I wonder what model it was. Forrest, it's nice to see you just tearing it out with your bare hands in your gardening cloth. That's true.

I could get a goat. What about if I just went I'd so defied home base I got a shammy goat. And so I didn't spend money on the lawnmower and I defied their magic cloth comparisons. And then you could just wait till it was really tired and take out and rub the car with it.

You know, with its shammy... I thought you said rub the car. No, rub. Rub so difficultly. Rub. He's up north. He's completely gone backwards. Rub the car.

You meant mind the car. By the way, shammy, is that one of those things where it should be chamois? It should be chamois. And we've always called it chamois. It's a little nickname, isn't it? I thought it was chamois. Yeah. Frank, do you remember you got slightly ripped off at that auction? Yes. Well, I may have.

I have no idea. You don't know? No. I think so. You thought you were getting a high five and you ended up with some China Shire horses. A glass fish into China Shire horses. 748 feels your pain. Oh, Frank, I did the same thing in a church hall in Winchester with the same trick. I just wanted a radio alarm clock

and I ended up with a large floral China bowl in a white cardboard box. We are trusting fools and they shouldn't be allowed in church halls. That's from Prisoner 748. So that's one of yours, Frank, follows the Nazarene. In a church hall, that's just wrong. Follows the Nazarene.

Follows the Nazarene. When I'd calmed down after and thought about, hold on a minute, when the hysteria had faded and I had these three boxes and I didn't know what I'd spent, I thought, I remember my first thought was, thank God I haven't been shipwrecked on a desert island with that man. Or he'd have me doing all the building and cooking, and I wouldn't even know I was being

exploited. That's a thought we can all allow to simmer. You and this text are like sort of forest gumps of this world, aren't you? We are. Thanks. It's lovely. Very much. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, we don't always cover football stories on this show because of your...

Only if they move to the front page. If they move to the front page, probably because of your history as a football... Pundit, commentator, comic... Fondit. That's what I like. Football pundit. Oh, no. Do you know what?

That's under his photograph in Spotlight. Football fondit. One story that has moved to the front pages, I think undeniably this week, is the jettisoning of David Moyes. I'm loving the word jettisoning of David Moyes. I'm loving the word jettisoning. Thanks very much. Meet George Jetson. His wife.

In fun headline watch. His boy Elroy, was it? His boy Elroy. The son went with... Jane, his wife. Hank. Sorry. I don't know what the son...

Daughter Susie, was it? Meet George Jetson, daughter Susie. His boy, Leroy. Elroy, I think. Jane,, Levi. Elroy. Okay. I think. Jane, his wife. Carry on. Sorry.

There was no lyric with a man screaming Jane, his wife. What are you talking about? The Jetsons. It was a sort of space age version of the Flintstones. Yeah. Instead of going back, they went forward. And the meals were sort of pills and things. Yeah.

Lovely. My dear heaven. the thing i've waited for my whole life the hover car has never happened yeah i wouldn't mind but some of the things that we predicted in in the space age at least you can see we're moving towards them yeah the hover car we made no advances whatsoever still... It was such an essential part of space age living, and it seems now no one cares. The tyre manufacturing industries have put the lid on it. Yeah.

Oh, do you think so? It's like the laddered tights. They can invent them, they just won't. The non-laddered tights, you know what I mean? I hope they don't invent them. I love a laddered tight. Do you? Oh, stairway to heaven.

Oh, absolutely disgusting. You are disgusting. Sorry. Anyway, David Moyes you were talking about. Back at the headline. I think this is in The Sun. I have to slightly emphasise the last word in each sentence here. It was Moyes.

I was stabbed in the back. Back as in red. 7.40am summoned for the sack. Share probe as we start to crack. That's what they did. They did it. They did it. I think they should have gone a step further and said the problem was he never signed a Brazilian. That would have been

the icing on the cake, wouldn't it? Goodness sake. I don't think it works. The trouble with the pun here... It doesn't work. Tell you what, it doesn't work. You shouldn't have to say back, stabbed in there. You can't do it the other way round like that. 7.40am, summoned for the.

Yeah. No. Yeah, they should have gone the other way round, you're right. Syntax is the problem here. I've often thought that. They should have gone the other way round with the back sack. Anyway. It's very dodgy.

And I'm surprised from that newspaper. I was thinking, I don't know if you quite know, Man Against Moyes, if it was Man from Man United. I was thinking a photograph of Fergie and him saying Moyes mistake. Because he appointed him Moyes mistake. Well, you know his wife has insisted, she's ordered him that they've got to have a two-week beach holiday now and just forget about the whole thing. Who, David Moyes' Why? It's going to take longer than two weeks, I think.

She's like me. That's what I'd say. So two weeks on the beach. I thought the headline could have been Mrs. Brown's Moyes. Oh, I love that. I love Mrs. Brown's Moyes. Yes, so it was... What about when he had to drive in for the sacking at 5am? That's humiliating. Oh, you know what's great? 5am? In the article, it says, as he guided his Chevrolet Capita SUV down that long, bleak road. Oh, beautiful.

Who's written this? Garth Marenghi? No, that's a fine piece of... And I think it's because the cars are sponsored, so they must be mentioning it. Oh, do you think so? It just makes me want more information about his sort of commercial decisions. It should then say his M&S briefs clung to him under his

ganchinos. I'm sure I brought that up. I've got my Calvin Classics on. Have you? Yeah, I have, actually. Do you want me to prove it? No. We'll come back, I think, to Mr Moyes. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So what are we talking about? Moyes. Moyes. Yes. What about Ryan Giggs? He's looking haunted anyway. He always looks haunted.

He has the eyes of a man who's killed, I always think. But you said he was Eastern European dictator. Well, that's really much the same thing, I find. It's true, yeah. I think we should, before David Moyes goes, I think we should acknowledge how many people he's made happy. Because he's made more people happy than Sir Alex ever did, because a whole nation has risen up with warmth towards him.

Yeah. Because it's just the fact that Man United, if you're not a Man United fan and they're not a popular team, and it's just been a nice change, I'm sure they'll be massively successful again next year. We're all entitled to a year off. Who's going to be in charge, though? People seem to be ruling themselves out rather than in, don't they?

I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Emily? I'm too busy. It's similar to that. I think I'd be great doing it. Can you imagine me, Frank, with a big coat and shades? What they shouldn't do is ask Sir Alex Ferguson to recommend,

because it is human nature. I think we all know I made quite a big mistake when I said that Emily Dean could host when I was away. I got the thing saying, oh, I enjoyed it more than ever this week. And I thought, well, I've slipped up there. So I... You cancelled all your holidays, didn't you?

Yeah, about a month, but... Whereas Sir Alex has got it right. He's thought, someone is not bad bad but not as good as I am. That's what you want as a replacement. That's ideal. Don't ask him anymore. I'm worried about that Giggsie though. He's only going to get more

haunted. Well he'll always be able to quell the news. He said I want to see goals and tackles. That's like my nan's idea of football uh i want to see goals and tackles yeah that's like my nans and other things you don't want to hear from man united's new manager oh i'll tell you what though i um talking about the ponying headlines there was one uh in in the uh i think it was in the mirror today yeah and it was louise redknapp oh yeah and um the headline was

i'm eternally hurt by reunion snob oh lovely and i love the idea that whilst being hurt she threw a pun in to the club there'd been an eternal reunion and they hadn't found louise redknapp can you believe that no turns out that wasn't eternal, wasn't it? No. It wasn't. So no. That's the trouble.

Don't call your band eternal. Call it ephemeral. Ephemeral. That's my advice. What else? Well, have we got time to read out any texts and emails? Because we've had a really good one from 968.

Do it. Hi, Frank. How do you pronounce, well, a word for coffee? I'm not going to say it because it will give away how I Do it. Hi, Frank. How do you pronounce, well, a word for coffee? I'm not going to say it because it will give away how I pronounce it. My brother in Scotland says latte, and I in Surrey say latte. He thinks we're all snobs.

After an unofficial survey, it looks like a north-south divide. But seeing as my survey has only featured Leatherhead and Edinburgh, I doubt it's very conclusive. That's Joe off for a latte. So shall we see how we all pronounce it? Well, I think you just did yours. Latte. Latte. You see, although I would normally say bath instead of bath. What do you say,

Frank? I would say latte. Oh, good boy. What about when I was once with a bloke, when I first started working in television, this guy who was quite a minor figure in the company, not a producer or anything, he said, let's, when are we going to get a coffee and talk about this?

So we went to this Italian place and he said, excusez, due a cappuccini. Oh my God, I felt my stomach tie into a terrible knot. Have you got his number? I have, but only in Italian. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Do you know what I think it's time for? Let me reach for my mouse. How about this? Showing some of the workings out. Here we go.

Bit of email corner. Everybody at home. Email corner. Fucking time's all mine, all mine. And relax. I made it a bit Geordie, Frank. Well done. For our Geordie listeners. Come gather around and I'll tell you the story about the worm.

No, I'm good, thanks. Okay. Okay, we're going to kick off. You're really into the gardening. The story about the worm. Yeah. Do you know the story of the Lampton worm? I don't.

It's a guy who's fishing and he pulls out this enormous serpent-like creature. Oh. I love that story. Do you know Keep Your Feet Still, Geordie Hinney? No. OK. OK. You're not doing that one.

Are you going to talk about the worm or can I read the email? No, no, it's all right. What about that Bobby Thompson, who I think was actually from Sunderland? He used to do a joke about, he went to see the Queen, and she said, would you like a... And she said, the Queen said, would you like a cake, Bobby? A meringue? And he said, no, you're not rang.

I'm not like, what? A meringue. Bobby Thompson, a little waster, as he was known. OK, this is from Prisoner963. OK. He says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I was just catching up with your podcast and I heard Emily's story of meeting John Bradley

at the Game of Thrones premiere. He says, GOT. I think they say thrones in the trade. Do they? I just thought it might be... I don't think you named him, did you? So he's... Oh, no, I did. I think I did. I thought you said my Game of Thrones friend. today um i just thought it might be i don't think you named him did you so he's oh no i know i did

i think you said my my game of thrones friend i said i just thought it might be reassuring to know that he probably wouldn't have been offended by frank's preference for merlin over game of thrones because he actually has acted in both he played the part of is it tyre seward in series five maybe he would make a good shared friend for both Emily and Frank. Much love, Prisoner963. Well, I haven't seen... Obviously, I've seen his work in Game of Thrones. I haven't seen his work in Merlin.

Really? Why do you say that with a slight snicker? Well, I'm not a fan, as you know. But you are. Yes. It just so happens I was able to obtain an official statement from John Bradley just prior to this broadcast. OK, fantastic. OK.

This is like Des Lynam when he's revealing the drug cheat of Ben Johnson. He says, Oh, God, I was worried that this day would come. Hold on a minute. You think and think of what you're going to say when the moment comes, but I'm speechless. It was a one-off a fling it was only

one solitary sordid episode sordid s-w-o-r-d-e-d and i'll never do it again i can't the character died in the episode well also the series died so you're quite safe you should be proud to have been in no i think he was i think he enjoyed it enjoyed it. He sounds like a bit of a laugh. He said, I did do an episode of... Well, won't you marry him? It was fun, actually. OK. Anyway, there you go.

Maybe he could help me out with my Guy's action figure. Why? I've got an action figure of Guy's. Guy's was the character played by Richard Wilson. Oh. And you could say it was Guy's and Dolls. Guy's action character played by Richard Wilson. Oh. And you could say it was Guys and Dolls. It was an action figure. Very good.

And I can't work out his accoutrement. I keep looking at... What do you mean his accoutrement? You know you get things that come with an action figure, like his accessories. Yeah. One of them looks like one of those anti-lint rollers. You know those things that you roll on your clothes?

I have one in my bag as we speak. Me too. But surely guys who are something of a magician type is not going to use a lint roller. Maybe he gets the magic dust on his jacket and he needs the lint roller. Oh, the magic dust. I forgot about that.

I forgot about that. It's been a while. You look like you're drunk crazy. Anyway, if anyone's got a guy's action figure, maybe you can tell me what that bit with the white... It looks like an Indian club. That is what they call a niche texting. Guess what? Guess what 417 says?

I bet my niche doesn't text in. She won't. I'm going to have to go. I've got important news today. Are you going to tell me this first? Do you know cappuccini is right? Yes, it's right, but it's wrong, if you know what I mean. It's like watching a woman smoke. One knows it isn't wrong, but one feels it isn't right. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in the corner of emails, aren't we? Nobody puts email in the corner. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. You may remember me. I emailed you last year re-magic Velcro. I always like a re from our correspondents. Oh, yes.

I do have a Velcro memory. I'm familiar with her work. Yeah. I've just dispatched an order to Absolute FM in Leighton, dormer trading estate, for some eyelets, the type of thing used for shoes to put laces through. Oh, these eyelets. I knew what eyelets were.

Is this the absolute... Can I just put a pause on that? If you work in Velcro, why do you need eyelets for laces? Surely Velcro is the arch enemy of the shoelace. That's one of the great philosophical questions. I know. Well, maybe she'll correspond with us again and solve this.

But she's supplying eyelets for Absolute. Is this the Absolute FM? You may want to check with Daisy. If this is the case, then I'm now officially... Daisy? No. It's not. There's another radio station called Absolute FM. That's a bit similar.

It is. I like that. I like the official spokesman just saying, no. I think it might be an eyelet laundering. She says, if this is the case, he says rather, if this is the case, then I'm now officially a supplier to Absolute Radio and the role of a supplier is to look after their customers, which means taking people to lunch. Frank, can you tell me if Emily is available? Oh, here we go. To show her some more of my accessories.

Bear in mind we supply to Burberry, Ted Baker and Barber, so we have a lot in common. That's from Buttons, aka Andy, or 923. All for Emily. He puts his full phone number. He's given his number. Can I say, this person works in Velcro,

but supplies eyelets for shoelaces, and he's known as Bottons. Yeah. He's just picking off all the things that... Well, I wasn't sure, but now you've sold them to me. Velcro should have superseded. That's why, if you did a modern Cinderella, surely the footman should be called Velcro. Velcro.

We need to rethink about this. Thanks, Bottons. I think it might be christian o'connell doing a bit of a some cobbling on the side frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio Now, Annie has texted us and she says she feels my train door related pain. You know, earlier on this show, I admitted that I don't think I've ever opened a train door. Until yesterday. Until yesterday in Newcastle. It's a terrible system, the train door, though. Yeah.

You get those electric buttons one, but the old one of having to open a window and do it from the outside, it does feel like burglary. It was brief encounter. It was too odd. It was old school. Anyway, Annie says, I do not trust any doors on a train now. After one of the automatic toilet doors stopped working while I was inside, all I could do was scream, Occupied! Oh, no. It's all gone a bit Paris 1941. Oh, no.

It's all gone a bit Paris 1941. Oh, what an awful... And try to press the close button as quickly as I could in a very busy train. Not one of my best moments. Oh, poor Ellie. She says, Still, the sun will come out tomorrow. It's always worth remembering, Annie.

Yes. We've also had from 942 text, Hello, Frank and other Saturday morning heroes Interesting Long time reader, first time writer I was watching a basketball match the other night To see rapper slash singer Drake Get out a lint roller and wipe his trousers

Also Frank I have so much respect for that man now Yeah I carry one around You've applied for the United job but you've ruled yourself out on air, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah, you carry one all the time. Yeah, I have it in my bag.

I'd rather die than turn up with lint on my clothes. Well, I suppose you've got to have a rule. Yeah. You've got to have a rule. And that's mine. Yeah, but rappers, I mean, if they're going to take something out, expect it to be an automatic weapon. Yeah.

Not a lint remover. I mean, for goodness sake, what's happened to hip-hop? That's this week's text. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran in Newcastle today.

Lovely. And please text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email us through the Absolute Radio website. Your choice. And they have texted, they've texted somewhat in their droves. In their droves. Oh, I love droves.

We've got several strands running. You only get droves when it's also TV related. People have switched off in their droves. In their droves. Oh, I love droves. We've got several strands running. You only get droves when it's also TV related. People have switched off in their droves. Yes. And also, you only tend to get a spate if it's crime. You get a spate of local burglary. Well, you say that, except when that man, many years ago this was, he'd blown me out on a few occasions, so I

sent him an angry email. And I said due to the recent spate of cancellations. Oh, very good. I did. Very good. I like that. I said, am I to assume and then I did A, B or C. I won't tell you what the scenarios were, but I can exclusively reveal it was C. I love it

when people, you know, they reach out a bit more with their vocabulary and go somewhere interesting have you ever seen a fabulous documentary called grey gardens as if you're one of my favorites frank when the woman says the yeah the woman says ed is it ed she says you see the thing is with me i'm i'm very staunch that's such a great way to describe yourself. Anyway, carry on. Sorry, Al. We've had quite a few texts in about your suggested gardening clothes. Oh, yes. Yeah.

Morning, Frank and team. My husband has an increasing gardening clothes drawer. These are clothes that he no longer wears but can't bear to part with, so saves them up for gardening. I think we're currently up to four pairs of trousers and 20 T-shirts, none of which have ever seen the garden in over two years. Sounds like they're being clean, though. I think the thing with gardening clothes is that they carry the soil forever.

Yeah, well, I suspect he's got some gardening clothes, but they're in the pending gardening clothes section of his life. Do you know what I mean? Oh, that's not depressing, having a pending gardening clothes section of his life. Do you know what I mean? Perhaps if I went... Oh, that's not depressing, having a pending gardening clothes section of your wardrobe. If I went for just the suit, I could get... Once I get a bit of soil on it,

it's real Frankenstein monster cheek. No shirt, just the suit. Yeah, and it's like risen up, just risen up. What would you... So nothing underneath, Frank? No bare feet as well. No belt, piece of string. Just the gardening gloves, obviously, for tearing. Your promotional pictures for your tour are complete Frankenstein and Monster.

Why not? Dan the Joiner on site in Blackburn has said, Frank, why don't you get some Snickers work trousers? They've got built-in knee pads and tool pouches and they never split in the crotch. That sounds... I was hoping for a split crotch there for warm weather gardening. I was hoping for a split crotch. Well, many a time I've said that sentence in anger.

Let's move on. That's chapter seven. What I used to call open-clad clunkers. They're Snickers. They're not made by... What am I to one used to call Alton Clegg clunkers? They, they're sneakers. They're not made by... I can't imagine them. Surely they don't sponsor trousers. I think that would be a terrible brand relationship.

Yeah. Worker. What about 669? Hi, Frank Allen. It's a bit early in the morning for me. You know, carry on. It's between the devil and the deep for me. You know, carry on. It's between the devil and the deep. Anyway.

Hi, Frank Allen and the Divine Miss M. I, too, got caught in the home-based free gift frenzy. Oh, no. A fellow sufferer. Three of us gathered under the flashing lights for our piece of the same magic cloth. I think the saleswoman was expecting more because she gave us two pieces each like you frank result halfway through the sales pitch we all lost the will to live so we slid off and left her talking to herself i tried the so-called magic cloth on a small spillage last week and have to

report it was rubbish oh no john avid listener first time texter we have to say that's only john's opinion just in case magicoth ever decides to advertise an absolute. Yeah, yeah. And, of course, other supernatural fabrics are available. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, I'll tell you what we haven't discussed this morning. Did ye see Jamaica Inn? Um, no.

I'm not seeing much telly because I'm on the road, you see. It's free and it's British. I'm astonished. Those are your two prerequisites for a drama. I remember Old Jamaica, the chocolate bar. My father's favourite. It was yellow. It used to contain rum, they said. He always bought it for dads. And on the advert, the chocolate bar. My father's favourite. It was yellow. It used to contain rum, they said. Yeah, he always bought it for Dad. And on the advert, the guy used to say,

and don't even knock it all back at once. Fabulous. It was a bit like that, was it, Jim? Someone should have said that to you back in the 80s. Yes, exactly. Well, the BBC had over, I think it's over 2,000 complaints. Yeah, they said that in the paper as if it was massive. We get that every Saturday morning.

We don't even think about it. That just seems par for the course, doesn't it? We've had a spate. We've had a spate. And people were turning off in their droves. They were. And it was due to the mumbling. I mean, people were tweeting.

Al Murray tweeted about it. Yeah, he was quoted in the paper. The mumbling i mean people were tweeting al murray um tweeted about it yeah he was quoted in the paper the mumbling oh yeah boise from um yes i say boise from john chalice yeah but saying boise from uh only fools and horses is like saying me from st uber studio school i mean how long can you be from something but he they had they they had a quote quote from him saying that the sound of him... Why would they... That's it with the Twitter journalism. Who'd have thought, well, I can't understand this.

Wonder what boysy from Fools and Horses would make of this. I'd better check his feed. Do you know what? Well, I think... Sorry, carry on. have you watched it either of you i haven't sadly no i watched a bit i mean the one thing i don't like there are two things that slightly put me off a period drama first is when a horse rears up and lays and a woman's always looking pensive with ringlets out of the carriage i've got to say staring at the landscape

isn't she on her way somewhere both of those happened in the excellent cheeky blinders. So I won't have that. No, whoa, boy. I always think of the person that turned up with the horse. You get the handlers who come along. Oh, the horse handlers, yeah. Or dog handlers, whatever you're working with. And they always say,

you say, can he bark just to warn? Oh, yes, no problem. And they never, ever can. Yeah. And they're ever can. Yeah. And they're always ill and they run away. Oh, terrible. I think they've just grabbed strays from the street on their way over. I've developed a bad habit having filmed a thing last year.

Oh, yes. Now, now we're watching. He's talking about, he's talked of nothing else. We're currently watching Carnival on DVD, my wife and I. Is that American? Yes. Oh, Frank, I hate it. And Frank loves it, actually. Does he? Yes, it's DVD, my wife and I. Is that American? Yes. Frank loves it, actually. Does he?

Yes, it's one of my all-time... That's one of the few American series. That and Twin Peaks are the ones I've really, really indulged in. It's really good. But when there's an exterior shot and a dog runs across, I keep muttering to my wife, Dog, expensive? As if I know how much a dog hire is.

I had a girlfriend, and if ever a dog did anything in a film or anything, she'd always say, gravy. Because she always said, put a bit of gravy on the leg of the table or something to make the dog come over. Oh, really? Oh, they're very gravy motivated, the dogs.

Nice. Yeah, so look out for that gravy acting. I'm not done with Jamaica. Okay, I have to do certain obligations. Okay, you're saying I'm not done with Jamaica? No, no, let's go back there. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about Jamaica Inn.

We were talking about Jamaica Inn. We were talking about... Which neither of you saw. No, I didn't see, but I am... But the mumbling was bad, Frank. Constantly moaning about mumbling in films. Well, it's your bugbear. Oh, really? And also with the West Country dialect.

It's actually my bugbear. That's what it was. That was very... That's what it was That was very That's what it sounded like And then a horse neighing occasionally What in a west country accent Nay You see this is a bit different isn't it

Because this is to do with regional accents There aren't enough of those on telly I think I mean that's why my acting career has been very curtailed Don't have the rp you see um let's face it yeah but you can do the american lovely when you did that audition when i read for jfk uh they said the accent just didn't work and you know did you read for jfk yeah i read for the role of jfk can't say it being i'm berliner in a brummie accent yeah yeah it's been I'm Berliner in a Bromley accent. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Berliner.

Berliner. Yeah. Perfect. But why? Does it matter? I mean, you used to, they do it in,

in films and stuff when people have, all have American accents and they're playing foreign people. True. Remember that Christopher Columbus thing,

was it? Errol Flynn, when he comes down and says, did any of you guys see Land? I think it might have been Christopher Columbus he, was it? Errol Flynn, when he comes down and says, did any of you guys see Land? I think it might have been Christopher Columbus he was playing. Anyway, so I didn't see it, but I'm going to check it out now. No, don't, with the mumbling.

They've tried to improve the mumbling. Is it still on or is it done? I think it'll be on iPlayer, won't it? Because I think it was three consecutive nights, wasn't it? A BBC spokesman, apparently, a BBC spokesman think it was three consecutive nights, wasn't it? No. A BBC spokesman apparently a BBC spokesman said it wasn't to do with the sound quality. The actors were mumbling. Oh,

blame the actors. There's nobody there to look at what they do. Come on. He's one of them. Look how he's turned, Frank. There's a local thing here in Newcastle I can watch it on called Y iPlayer. I'll look at, there's a local thing here in Newcastle I can watch it on called YI Player. I think you'll pronounce it YI Player.

And when we're in Leeds soon, I'll be able to buy some stuff on eBay gum. So all the regional websites. He's got jokes. Yeah. He's not weak. He's not. It has put me off things, though. Oh, yeah, one little thing.

The lighting in Coronation Street. Forget it. Really? The lighting makes me vomit. I nearly gave up on Mad Men because of the smoking. Because it made me feel clammy and stinky. But I've stuck with it, yeah. It was the sexism I couldn't cope with.

Really? It was the smoking. I'm fine with the sexism. Yeah, well, then. Has it never bothered you, the lighting in Coronationation street i know how can you not notice it it's so yellow and harsh i tell you how i can not notice it i've not seen it i don't watch is it not your telly is it i remember when we first had it when we first had a collar telly my dad in order to get our money's worth used to crank up the brightness brightness. Yeah, so every...

Well, no, the colour. He used to turn the colour on. And it was one button, Frank, and there was a star. That was the only facility you had. It just got brighter. Great days. But it was like me and Musketeers, wasn't it?

I got put off by... What happened? Why did you get put off? It was the bedroom scenes. Do you remember? Yeah. Although I was talking to... You don't like the rude stuff, do you?

I was talking to Gareth, who is on tour with me at the moment. Yeah. Who was formerly in the Cockerels chair. Yeah. And he told me that those scenes, those bedroom scenes where they talk,

because they've got to do some talking so they spice it up with a bit of semi-nudity. They're called sexagesis. It's not. Yeah. So it's exagesis, but with a bit of saucy spicy. But that was, and I was, you know, as you know, with the musketeers, I was desperate to see P-Cap and what he was going to be like.

P-Cap? Peter Capaldi. Oh, okay. I thought that was a use of his of a summer. I was talking about the bedroom scene and I didn't like it. No, no. That would be D-f, wouldn't it? A skinny decaf.

I'm not wearing that. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If I had an email the title of which might make you think, oh, this is a bit of a worry, it's an email that says... Is it death to all skinheads?

No, it's... I'm just guessing. We can't guess, it could take a long time. OK. Email titled, purposely not listening. And I thought, oh, no, he doesn't like us. Guten Morgan, Frank, DME and Alan. I thought he was going to say that was his name.

Guten Morgan writes in long time reader first time writer i'm purposely not listening to your show this morning as your podcast will be keeping you company on my sunday long tomorrow morning i was doing a sunday long doing the sunday long and he then says in brackets the solitude of lauf in southern germany when you guys stop your chat i will switch to the prodigy to bring me over the line. I just wanted to ask what Frank thinks. Does he mean Mozart? I don't think so, no.

He just calls him the prodigy, you know. I just wanted to ask what Frank thinks. Wunderkind, he might call him. That's what he should call them. Yeah? Wunderkind. Sorry. I wanted to ask what Frank thinks about

Three Lions being adopted by the germans it's i'm thinking means the song rather than three lions have been adopted by the germans yeah because they don't they don't work those zoo adoptions you say you've adopted an animal but you never get to have them in your house it's a very hollow experience isn't it yeah apparently it's become almost the norm for german fans to belt out it's coming home when they are taking apart an English team. Yes. I didn't know that. Did you know that? Yes.

Well, that's exciting for you, isn't it? I like it. Or is it? I don't know. Is it not? I'm perfectly happy with it. DME, you are always welcome in sunny Stuttgart. It's not the best place in Germany, but it's certainly not the worst. Oh, nice.

He continues, however, the people in this area are known for their, are known for being sparsasm, which kindly translated means thrifty,

so it might be something for Alan. That's a bit cheeky, isn't it? Das war's, spoken das war's, as close as my German gets me to

that is all. Oh, okay. He finishes, that's from Elliot. Wouldn't it be das ist alles? Anyway, he lives there. He might even know better than me.

What do you make of this, by the way? 622 says, Hi, Frank and crew, I'm currently converting some 1960s cine film to DVD. In a way, I think we all are. And just wanted to know if you had any film from your childhood lurking in a cupboard somewhere.

If you did, I'm willing to do mates rates for you, as I feel after listening each week to your show, you're all my friends. That's from Andy. Oh, let me think. Is there any 1960s cine film from my childhood? No, because it didn't happen then. What about you, Frank? Me neither.

Well, I had a childhood in the 60s, but what we didn't have was any equipment to film it on. Didn't you? Did you have a camera? We had, well, there were about, I had a childhood in the 60s, but what we didn't have was any equipment to film it. Didn't you? Did you have a camera? We had, well, there were about, I would say, between the age of zero and ten, there are four photographs of me. And they're quite bad. Why?

Is there no camera? Because we didn't have a camera. Oh. There wasn't even a sketch pad in the house. Didn't even have a court illustrator. No, nothing. I think we might have had an Etch-a-Sketch in later life. But it's not a good likeness.

I look too angular. I don't mean Angular Merkel. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I share with you some correspondence from Nicholas John Pickton, who is texting us live from Malaysia.

No way. Malaysia? Wow. Germany, Malaysia, we get about, don't we? What is the thing? It's Malaysia, something Asia. Malaysia's truly Asia. 1973 ad campaign. Frank, I am trying teetotalism. It creates a lot of time, but as you say, it's a little boring. And I'm not sure I will meet up with friends so much, or make any new ones. Oh, well, Nicholas John Pickton.

Yeah, all correct, Nicholas. What would you say to NJP? I'd say you will make less friends. Is that true, is it? Yeah, and I wouldn't say life is desolate, but you lose the top end of it, probably the top 20%. Oh, now you've got your non-alcoholic wine. But, you know, you have to balance it out. Does the non-alcoholic wine bring back 15% or something?

No, I don't know what that brings. It brings back... It's about 12%, isn't it? 0.05% is what it brings back, according to the label. Now you're on the ramp. Yes. I've been thinking about having a decade off between 40 and 50. Off the booze?

Yeah. No, just off. Just going from straight to 40 to 50. Let's face it, I'm going to do that. It's like when they put the clocks forward. Imagine if you did that. Just, I fancy my 40s. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Well, anyway, good luck with it, but I wouldn't recommend it. Frank! Frank, that's terribly irresponsible. Yeah, if he gets drunk now and kills somebody, will their blood be on my hands? And also, you need to pick a team, because when we've been watching the news in the past and there's been stories of drunkenness, you've gone,

what's wrong with prohibition? Now you're saying I wouldn't recommend it. No, but I think... There must be a middle ground. I think we'd be what's wrong with prohibition now you're saying i wouldn't recommend it no but i think i must be a middle ground i think we'd be a happier country with prohibition that's my dad used to say if you close the pubs down you'd have to build a lot of asylums like the roman do they still call them asylums no no i'm still calling that about 1819 yeah well he was you know he was a previous generation, my dad. Why don't you use something a bit more politically correct, like Bedlam? May I suggest as an opening line tomorrow in Glasgow, I think we'd be a happier country if we closed the pubs down.

It would be a good choice. Yeah, I don't know if I can say we. Exactly. Yeah, say you. Yeah. Yes, I'm in Glasgow tomorrow night. Are you? Is there a nationalistic independent fervour they're going to tear me apart? Well, no, I was there four days last week.

Of course you didn't mention it. And it never even came up. Well, I'm not going to mention it if they don't. No. We like a tale of revenge on this show, don't we? You do. I do. No, I genuinely do.

I like a tale of forgiveness. A man got ripped off on the old gum tree, thought he'd bought a PlayStation 3 computer. No, I genuinely do. I like a tale of forgiveness. A man got ripped off on the old Gumtree. He thought he'd bought a PlayStation 3 computer. Oh, yeah. And the guy never sent it. What is Gumtree? Gumtree, it's like a community website where trading and notice boards... Frank, do they have eBay?

You know in the olden days... eBay Gumtree. eBay Gumtree. When you can buy things from two different sources. You know in the old days in a newsagent they had those little cards. They still have those. And they never teach you French. No.

In my experience. Yes, I'm okay. So it's like eBay, is it? No, not quite. It's more like kind of the classified adverts in a paper online. And so this guy thought he'd bought a PlayStation, and then it never got sent. 80 notes cost him.

In a turn of revenge, he realised that he could text the guy's number from his computer, and so he texted him. He basically copied the entire works of Shakespeare and sent it all to the bloke in a series of text messages. How many text messages would that? Well, i'll tell you 17 424 would be my guess no i can tell you what it is 29 000 no what 29 000 he gets him in

160 characters well that's that's quite a time that's quite good event yeah of course you couldn't tweet him um shagspere'says, because there's too many characters. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So this Shakespeare texter, I quite like this character. Yeah. I didn't know you could send, like,

a sort of continual text thing going on like that. Mm-hm. You could really mess up... I mean, that guy. Yeah. That'll stop him doing his dodgy deals. Yeah. I think it's a shame...

Look, Shaw Taylor! Keep him peeled, that's my advice. Apparently he's going to get, like, one full week's worth of text messages of Shakespeare broken down. It's almost tempting to send him the complete works of Shakespeare twice, so that he gets two weeks, and by the twelfth night, he'll be incandescent with rage.

Do you know, I like that even more than a Shakespearean joke. Yeah, I mean, I think the whole story is much ado about nothing. I've got all of these.'m doing i'm doing the full works yeah why did he send in shakespeare because crime and punishment would have been a good choice wouldn't it that's a long book isn't it and it would fit crime and that's just one book but you're giving someone a free book isn't that that's what i don't like about it i think if someone got if you came in and said, I've got you the complete works of Shakespeare,

I'd be, oh, that's lovely. Yeah. No, but that's given me ideas. I'm going to start giving people presents in that form now. Yeah, it doesn't feel like a bad thing to do. If somebody said, I've never been treated like this before, right, take that.

What, the complete works of Beatrix Potter? Yes. And let that be a lesson to you. It doesn't feel that vicious. It might be like a nice daily thing to get as well, a nice little Shakespeare quote. The cream might enjoy it. You might just stop using that phone for criminality and start thinking it's a Shakespeare phone.

We don't know there is a cream. There might have been a mix-up in the sorting office. Sorting office? A sorting office mix-up. Hank! Sorting office? We can't dismiss thising office mixer. Frank! Sorting office? We can't dismiss this bloke as a crim because of one transaction. Haven't we all forgot to send off something we were selling on Gumtree in the past?

Yeah, we have, haven't we? Okay, well, I'm team Ed Joseph, I'm afraid. You're team crim. I'm not calling him crim, it's not fair. I'm Team Ed Joseph, I'm afraid. You're Team Crim. I'm not calling him Crim. It's not fair. I'm calling him Gom. Team Gom. Team Gom sounds quite good, doesn't it? I might write a novel called that. Can't wait to read it.

Text it to me sometime. It'd be great if I did that. I think people who listen to this show now would think, I might buy that. I saw that Team Gom came out. I might buy that. No that team gum came out and might buy that no one's ever going to think that i remember at the inception of it is just a throwaway line and then he went on and pursued it and did that whole novel about um a team but what is it

about exactly well what it is it's about there's a surprise given to develop a chewing gum where the flavor doesn't disappear and this guy gets together some sort of spoddy scientific friends. Yeah. And they work on it. But in the midst of it, they find out that they all have previous connections through one incident that had happened in 2005. Wow. And eventually that all falls into place.

Yeah. Anyway, I don't want to give spoilers. I don't want to give too much else away, but look out for that. And I'll probably text it to you. Yeah. When I've written it. Online it sounds sticky. That's what they say about online.

He's on fire. Someone put him out. Thank you so much for listening today. It's been lovely in Newcastle. What a nice time we've had. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.