The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - The Musketeers

Episode Date: February 8, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week it's Alun's Birthday so the team celebrate and discuss Frank's alcohol free wine, the Winter Olympics, World Leader crushes and readers get in touch with their interesting facts...

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. I'm on Absolute Radio, and I'm not on my own. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to contact us, you can text us on 812 15, or you can follow us on Twitter, Frank on the Radio, or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Three options, you choose. Oh, lovely.

You know, these are people who've been raised on the GCSEs. Three options, you choose. That's what people say about us three. Yeah, I suppose that is. Well, we said it, I think, at three o'clock in the morning at the Absolute weekend when we all went away. Got a bit drunk. I was slightly offended, to be honest.

Yeah, still no takers. Well, I lost a couple of people. Oh. But, I mean, one of them was just a security bloke. I didn't have no presenter. Just a security bloke. Yeah, but you know. A man that keeps you secure when he's suddenly a just.

Yeah. Do I look secure to you? You look deeply insecure to me. By the way, full respect to Pete Allison, who started this show at, I think, 2 o'clock in the morning and just finished just before us. Due to staffing things, he did a six-hour stint. Was it staff shortages?

Yeah, but he just did that. Most people, if they did six hours like that, they'd raise nearly £10,000 for charity. He's just done it. He's just done it, and it's happened. He sounded a bit broken by the end. Well, he's tired. I know.

But it's like someone running the London Marathon, but not for any charity. Just thinking, I'll actually just fancy a bit of a get a you know fancy a bit of a run this morning i wonder if people do that good for them they won't let you do it no i asked it's the only thing it was my one the only thing that would motivate me sufficiently to do it is the liberation of not having anyone you know not having anyone uh banking on me. Or not having to dress up as a deep-sea diver.

Don't do that. Just put shorts on and do it. Yeah. I'd rather just dress up as a deep-sea diver and not do it. This is another way of doing it. Wear the fancy dress and don't do the race. Or deep-sea diving. You could do that.

No, I can't do that. No? Don't ever mention that again. You're not really a swimmer, are you? It's probably a bad suggestion. The idea of deep sea diving is one of the most terrifying. Does it scare you? Oh, man, just even thinking about being in there. Oh, I'm sorry.

Where life is just... Well, yeah, I've expressed my views on this previously on this show, that it's their manner, it's the fish's manner, hence I fear the sea. Yes. Swimming pools love. But I do think I fear the sea would be a great title for a song. Mm-hm.

Shall we write it now? Yeah. I've got a pen. I fear the sea. OK, I fear the sea. For it washeth over me. It's the worst song ever written. It scans.

I am beneath the waves. I am beneath the waves. I'm beneath the waves. Elvis Costello's had a few. And remember that Jesus saves. Couldn't help yourself, could you? No, I had to smuggle in a message. I was so frightened. Once I'd put myself beneath the ocean.

I was so terrified. I had to call on the Nazarene. First link as well. I love that song. Yeah, well, maybe there'll be more of it later. I'm not saying it'll be the same melody. My memory isn't what it was. I don't think that melody could ever be repeated.

No, maybe not. It was what I didn't want it to tune for, because it's supposed to be, you know... I can sing it. I fear the sea. Oh, actually, it's horrible. You're too strained. There's a sense that the oxygen isn't coming through correctly. Can you check that...

Lopez, can you check that pipe? Sorry, you have to use the locals on these boating trips. You can't take your own people. You know, there's unions. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. How many more news reports are we going to watch with a reporter standing looking really, really cold?

Yeah, there's a lot of that. Can't they just sit in? I sort of know, you know, I know what rain looks like. Can't they just sit in the studio and tell us about it? I don't need them. All it makes me think is, oh, it's not as bad as they're saying. You know, they've driven in. How do they get there?

They're not separated from the outside world. You can get in there. You know, they've got a crew in there. They've probably got catering. You know, we're going to get emails now and texts from people in the Somerset Downs saying it's much worse than you've just portrayed it. No, I'm sure it's awful for the people,

but why send extra people in? Just tell us about it. They do it with walls as well. Just do it from the studio. You know, I know it's awful. I don't want... They do it with walls. They do it with wars as well. I just do it from the studio. I know it's awful. They do it with wars? They do, yeah. Why send innocent news reporters to war?

Because how else is Khaki going to get an outing? Well, I suppose there is that. Well, there's always the possibility of an uptown top-ranking revival. Do you remember that? Yeah, of course. It was Althea and Donna. Of course I do. Uptown top-ranking.

Can you do the accent? You can't? No. In my car, key, suit and ting. That wasn't me doing the accent. That was me just reading a direct transcript. I find the accent is implicit. Uh-huh.

direct transcript i find the accent is implicit uh-huh so um i watched the uh the winter olympics opening ceremony oh me too what do you think well there's a lot to this did you watch alan i didn't watch it no what's wrong with you can i say general overview general overview better than the opening ceremony of the summer olympics. No, it's not. More expensive. I thought it was better. Why? It's the most expensive. I just thought the dance... Because you're obsessed by Russians. No, the dancing was better.

Was it on ice? Was it on ice? Some of it was on ice. There was a ballet. It ought to be, really. They shouldn't be allowed on any firm surface, I don't think, if it's the Winter Olympics. What about when the man from the Austrian delegation fell over? That was awful.

Did someone fall over? You know when they're all coming in? I wish I'd watched it now. They're all coming in and representing their teams. One of the Austrians fell over. See, that upsets me that I didn't watch it now. I didn't watch it because I thought they'd all be really good at slipping. I have problems with winter sports because it's basically all versions of slipping, isn't it?

It's like skiing, slipping, snowboarding, slipping. It worked, though, because, as I've said before, there are certain countries which I call the Danny Minogue countries, which are the countries that are the less famous sister of another country. Austria, obviously, Kylie is Germany, and Austria is Danny. So if one of those guys slip over, it's sort of, no. But if it had been a German, you'd have thought, yeah, well, that says you right, Kylie. So I wouldn't call Germany Kylie, but I know that it's the potent.

I like Germany now. They went for the rainbow collars in Boatest. I've got nothing against Germany. Love them for that. Yeah, but, you know, there's no need for that. All they needed was tattoo at the opening ceremony. They've made their statement about the gay culture. They played Tchaikovsky, and which gay culture do they want?

Was, uh, he... I don't know what the reference is there with Tchaikovsky. Well, guess. Oh, OK. I was thinking, should I guess off-air, but I don't think you can see it. I think he's established. Oh, okay. I was thinking it should, I guess, off air, but I don't think you can see it. I think he's established.

I think he's what you refer to as a friend of my parents. Oh, it's on telly at the moment, Frank. On telly? Yeah, I don't think we should plug telly at this stage in the show. People are already hovering. But one of the rings malfunctioned. Yeah, but you know what? Can I say this? On our cooker, exactly the same ring we're having a problem with. Really? What is the chances of that exactly?

Right. I don't know. I actually liked the Olympic symbol better with one snowflake in it. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? I think the Winter Olympics one should have one snowflake in the corner and the Summer Olympics should have the sign, you know, with sticks coming off it like in a child's drawing. So when you see the Olympic symbols, you know which Olympics you're talking about.

That's a good idea. We should write that down and put that to the board. OK, what do you think the Paralympics one should be, Alan? Play a song and I'll give it some thought. OK. I thought you'd have just come off with something on the top of your head Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I started in inadvertent texting with asking me what the missing ring should be on the Paralympics 332 was texted for the Paralympics rings 332 was texted, for the Paralympics rings, just have one ring missing. And 999...

Is that all right? Is that all right? Well, that's what they're suggesting. I think that's all right. I think that's all right. You could have a wheelchair, Will, couldn't you? Sort of taking it on board, innit? There's ownership.

You know the disabled toilet sort of symbol of the wheelchair? You could have that as the ring. Oh, that'd work. I might jar a bit. I just think that they need a bit of the wheelchair. You could have that as the wheelchair. Oh, that'd work. I might jar a bit. I just think that they need a bit of customising. Otherwise the Olympics is just the Olympics. And you want to establish, you know, the specialist

Olympic genre. I say the genre. The fifth symbol in the Paralympics could be a star. That's nice. Don't get it. Well, I don't think it's a get it thing. I think they're just saying... Well, that could be for any of them. Yeah. That's the night Olympics

they're thinking of. Yeah. The lunar Olympics. Rubbish. Hi, I believe... Sorry, but thanks for joining me. I believe each Olympic ring represents each continent, so the interest lies in which continent has been allocated each colour and who

they let down. Maybe it was intentional. Oh, right. Anyway. I watched the opening ceremony. I thought it was fabulous. And my girlfriend, who I watched it with,

when the flags appear, and she said, oh no, our flag, our flag never looks very good next, when the flags appear, then she said, oh no, our flag, our flag never looks very good next to all the flags. It's too busy. Isn't it? Oh, really?

And it is quite busy. From a design perspective, I just think it's a bit, yeah, it's just a bit British Bulldog, isn't it? I know, we all... We could start a campaign

to have it revamped, couldn't we? Yeah, I just think it needs simplifying a bit. Maybe just the red cross on the white background. Hang on. Hold on a minute. Well, listen, if Scotland gets independent,

if they vote for independence, are we going to have to tip-ex the St Andrew Cross out of the Union Jack? Well, these are the questions that haven't been answered yet in the big debate. Well, it seems a bit mad to have the Union Jack with the St Andrew are the questions that haven't been answered yet in the big debate. It seems a bit mad to have the Union Jack with the St Andrews Cross if they're an independent country. We might as well have a red dot in the middle for Japan.

Yeah, you can't have it both ways. Yeah? Well... Did we take the Japan dot out at some point historically then? No, but... Exactly. But you'd agree with me, it shouldn't be in the Union Jack. I don't know, I quite... Yeah, just leave it

don't get me wrong i want them to stay but if they want to go they're gonna have to take their insignia it's all right this is the weirdest episode of questions um what about some of those sailors frank oh i love the sailors they had little best when was this oh this was last night on the telly i thought you meant in scotland then can i just say we had a fabulous weekend once we had emma in emily in scotland with i think was it nine sailors for a country that's having let's say some issues with gay rights at the moment it was very camp i thought about opening ceremony i don't know if it was very camp, I thought, that opening ceremony. I don't know if it was intentional. I was a bit... I felt a bit... They tippexed out. Speaking of tippex, they tippexed out Stalin.

They did. He didn't get a looking. He was almost Stalinist. Even the communists, the whole, you know, communist thing, obviously I was looking for... I couldn't wait for the communism to come. Because it was all about the history of Russia. yeah and i thought this would be you know and there was some missile action but i mean generally they generally they played it down even even the space race i felt was played down although very exciting when valentina tereshkova came out

first woman in space oh yeah the only person to say that in the world. No, I was genuinely properly excited by that. You do love a cosmonaut, don't you? I do love a cosmonaut, but a female cosmonaut. Yeah, exactly. She's ticking a lot of boxes for you. Yeah, and she looked... Out of this world.

Sturdy. You know what I mean? She looked like a woman even now who you wouldn't want to elbow if you was getting on a boss with her. Well, the athletes do go that way later on. They go to stirred, I find. Yeah, but I mean, she's a cosmonaut. Oh, yeah, that's true, yeah.

Athletic to a degree. But I did think I'd like to kiss her. You know what I mean? She had that kind of allure, that kind of someone who's been to a special place. What are you looking at me like that for? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute radio. Frank, we've had a correctionian from Julius who says it's only a Union Jack on a boat slash ship, otherwise it's the Union flag. Thank you, Julius. Too brute, eh? Can I say that that is one of those facts,

and thank you, Julius, for joining in, I do appreciate it, but it is one of those facts that thank you julius for joining me i do appreciate it but it is one of those facts that people tell you like um i've been told that a thousand times in my life yeah there are certain facts that are that they're under the guise of unusual not very known facts but are very very everyone knows them yeah i think to prove that gary from andover has got a touch saying frank useless fact it's only a union Jack if it's at sea, otherwise it's called the Union flag. And we'll have another load in an hour when this goes out on the digital station.

But, Emily, what is another unusual fact that, in fact, everyone knows? I think I'm guilty on this one. I think Alan Cochran might be guilty of this fact, that Gary Oldman is, in in fact Big Mo's brother. Yes, that is. Really? There will be people, see, this is the problem, there'll be people now listening saying,

you are having a laugh, they'll be saying, the way people do in the modern world. But, yeah, that's one of those. No two snowflakes are the same. Oh, that's so one of those. Topical. No two snowflakes are the same. Oh, that's so one of those. Topical.

Your rant about Scottish independence has borne fruit. Was that a rant? Well, I'm exaggerating somewhat, I think. Too right, Frank. If the Scots want independence, then let's remove their flag and, if possible, raise the height of Hadrian's Wall. Lol. No, I don't.

Great show. That's the sort of person you want as a great show. But I't want to no come on he's joining in again i'm uh i don't want him to go i don't want them to go but if they're going to go they're going to have to take their insignia that was my point yeah all right i want i want us to stay together as one not that happy family right you and you and cameron on the same page on this one of those rare occasions on the same page on this. One of those rare occasions we're on the same page, yes. I agree with that. So what I'd like is if anyone can think of, any of our readers can think of facts that you're told as if no one knows them, but everybody knows them. What else is there? Oh, there's always, what about the Queen owning the swans? That irritates me.

Oh yeah, the Queen owns the swans. Oh yeah, we all know that. Anyway, I'll tell you a fact that not many people do know. I certainly didn't know. I was completely ignorant to this, and I wish I did know. Go on. Okay, you may recall, regular readers, it was my birthday, 28th of January,

and one of the presents that the team my radio family bought me was a case of alcohol-free wine oh yeah riseberg it's got no no iceberg e-i-s-b-e-r-g they make iceberg and uh and it's alcohol-free and I had a I love it and I was sitting watching Can I say how much he loves it that when I went round last week wasn't it Frank you'd just been watching the football and it must have, it can't have been

it wasn't much after five and he had a little glass of wine wearing jeans FYI wearing jeans I wish you hadn't dobbed me in about the jeans I was at home

it's like going round to Jeremy Clarkson's house so can I just tell you I have a photograph in my hand now which I'm happy to post on our

on our website oh yeah Iceberg is the name of the wine and it says on the label alcohol free wine lovely made from quality wine with the alcohol

removed okay lovely on the back it says iceberg alcohol free wine um it has a zesty lemon and melon flavors and has had the alcohol carefully removed making it perfect for you to enjoy at any time and then it says rise Rysberg, full of wine, free of alcohol. And then at the bottom it says, can I say this, at the bottom after all that, it says alcohol, not more than 0.05

volume. So there's alcohol in it. Having said alcohol-free wine, on about six occasions on the label, then Ryeburg, Iceberg rather, Lysburg, that's what I call it. It sounds like a German trial. I know, but I'm thinking of taking legal action because I've noticed since I've been drinking it,

I've been feeling a bit slurry. I think it's already affected my career. And I'm having an urge to sleep on a central reservation in Birmingham. I've started waking up and thinking, bed's a bit dry this morning. And honestly, you can't say alcohol-free wine, all the alcohol taken out five, six times, and then say at the bottom there's a bit of alcohol in it. No, I think you're right.

No, but there's alcohol in everything. Oh, there is. What are you talking about? Pretty much, but there's alcohol in things that don't make you drunk. It's like if Absolute was advertising itself as a, I don't know, a Nickelback-free zone. We all know there's a bit of Nickelback in it. I don't know, a Nickelback free zone. We all know there's a bit of Nickelback in it.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking before about facts that people tell you as if they're interesting and then everyone knows them. Well, they're interesting. That's pretty much what we're... Yeah, but they tell us if it's something you don't know.

It's a revelation, yeah. Yeah. I think this is a doozy, shall we say. Father Christmas is only red because of 1934 Coca-Cola marketing campaign. Guilty as charged. I think I said that to people all the way through December. What about 244?

Another fact everyone knows, Elvis Presley was a twin. I think I said that to people all the way through December. Yes. What about 244? Another fact everyone knows, Elvis Presley was a twin. Yeah, people tell you that a lot. Do they? They don't tell me. The way Frank said, do they? That means he does it. I don't do it.

Sam in Essex, Frank. He's had a similar experience on the alcohol front. I loved you and your show for many years. Now, I was shocked one day to find that Fentiman's Victorian Lemonade also has a trace of alcohol, as you described, scandalous, and me a non-drinker. I blame the coalition. Well, you wouldn't get away with halal. That's all I'm saying.

No, you're right. Besides, speaking of lemonade... Pardon? You can't have alcohol in halal. That's a definite rule. No, but it's just, you know, you're told what's in it and what isn't in it. If I lived in a smoke-free zone,

I couldn't say I have a fire now and again. It's all right. It's not acceptable. But speaking of lemonade, did you know that Elvis Costello's dad did the voice in The Secret Lemonade Drinker? No. Oh, that's so one of those.

Oh, Alan didn't know. Oh. See, what's going to happen is we're going to find out that half of these i tell people and the other half i don't know so that's what does that make me um i don't know don't no never never that what about this i'm just laughing this isn't relevant if you were listening on absolute 80s or absolute 20s, but I do like Jack from Nottingham saying, this is the most Birmingham song I've ever heard. About what?

I think you played Iggy Pop on one of our stations. Oh, yeah. Oh, we like Iggy. So I've been doing gigs this week, stand-up gigs, at the Leicester Square Theatre. Welcome back. You're all conquering return to stand-up gigs at the Leicester Square Theatre. Welcome back. You're all conquering return to stand-up, isn't it? Yes, that's what it is.

And I had a... I did a show the other night. It was lovely. Great, you know. I was very enjoyable. And then towards the end of the show, I suppose about 10 or 15 minutes before the end, I got heckled.

Which is fine. Butled in um a fabulous like long like a long heckle a diatribe well it wasn't a diatribe it was quite a detailed critique of my performance on who wants to be a millionaire including such points as um i have to say i i think that you know I think the questions were very tricky. And all that. But looking at, I'll tell you what it's like. You know when you're driving and local traffic news comes on? You haven't got the radio. And suddenly there's local traffic news.

It was like that. It was quite a long thing. And said, you know, I thought you did awesome. But some of those questions were tricky. I mean, that one, it was like that. It was kind of an incredible... But anyway. How bizarre.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I think about facts that we all know that people think are very unusual. Yeah. 760 has texted us. You mentioned Tippex earlier, Frank. Did you know it was invented by Mickey DeLenz's mother? That's from Dan in Southport.

Mickey DeLenz, of course, was in The Monkees. Yes. So was Mike Naismith, whose mother invented Tippex. Yeah. I'm afraid you've got the wrong monkey. Oh, has he? I hate it when people get the wrong monkey. When you get the wrong monkey, it's one of the worst things. Yeah.

Mike was the one I fancied who was the one you fancied I think mine was Peter Talk but you know I just like that because he was so cheap yeah speaking of cheap I watched I've been about to watch The Musketeers

you have been about to watch The Musketeers because You have been about to watch The Musketeers. Because it's got Capaldi in it, so I'm interested to see it. Why did he take that part? That must have been before Doctor Who. Yeah, it would have been. But he was... I thought he was good, actually. But here's another text in for this morning. Who actually likes bedroom scenes in TV dramas?

Why do they have those? You're going to sound prudish here. Why don't you like them? It's a sort of prudishness in that I just find them tedious and embarrassing. And if I wanted to watch a bedroom scene, I would turn to the internet. Right. Whereas... If I wanted to watch a bedroom scene, I would turn to the internet. Right. Whereas, no, but I'm not saying I do want to. Oh, my sweet.

It's all going to be George Harrison. I just think that I don't want, it's a romp is what it is. It's good-looking actors and actresses in bed talking about Cardinal Richelieu. I mean, who wants that? I'm so dis... Don't come round to mine, then. Don't come round to mine if you don't like that. I'm sorry.

No, but it could have been such a... I bet there's none of that in Alexander Dumas. Was there a couple of bed scenes, were there, then? You don't think there is? You don't think there's some... some bed scenes were there then? You don't think there is? You don't think there's some bed scenes in the book? You don't think? I doubt it. You know what I hate about that Musketeers?

It's British and it's free. And those are my two worst things when it comes to telly. I can't bear that. It's just that cheapness. I don't know if it's cheap in fairness. All I saw... I'm sure it cost a lot to make, but don't put it in the bedroom scene. I don't... Honestly'm sure it cost a lot to make, but don't put it on the bedroom scene. I don't... Honestly, if anyone enjoys

a sort of bedroom, you know, talking to a wench in bed and the bloke's showing his scars from his dueling scars to us like that. And they all look like... And they feed each other grapes. They all look like Oliver Martinez.

Every one. Remember who went out with Kylie? And Frank, why do they end the bedroom scene? They laugh. They laugh throatily. And then they get back to the business again. Just why? Yeah.

Why can't we take... You know, if you watch Challenge Channel, there's a big question mark in the corner. Can we just bring that in over the bedroom scene? So just say, why are we having this? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live

every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

These very old friends of mine. That's a song. It's from a song, isn't it? Anyway, you can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can... Bored now. Bored with that. The housework thing. radio or you can bored now bored with that you've been

housework thing you've been talking all show about how you don't we're not all show but for two links about how you don't like bed scenes right for two links side you don't

like bedroom scenes no yeah I don't six six six eight eight Fiona agrees with you I hate TV kissing scenes yeah why do they bother? That noise of sucking, she says, that's made. And also, you know, there's like music

and everybody's beautiful. And also, I find that the sheet doesn't tend to stop just above where it gets rude. The sheet goes where it likes. The sheet? Yeah, yeah. I find the sheet ends up in a crumpled ball at the end of the bed. They always have one sheet. They never like

to have a duvet. Because you're watching the muscatine. I'm thinking surely it was freezing in those old houses. And they've got one silk sheet they've got on the bed. That's all. And why does the silk sheet go at the angle where it covers the man's sort of centre half, let's call it.

And the lady's top half. Yeah, exactly. Always that angle. So that's today's texting. 45 degrees. If you two hate the rude bits on telly, text in on 812. Well, they're not rude, are they? It's like teenagers.

Oh, watching this and watching the movie. John in Telford says, I agree about the bedroom scenes, I also hate them in a novel. I skip past them. I do. Do you? Yeah, I hate them in a novel. That's past them. I do. Do you? Yeah. I hate them in a novel.

That's why I love your copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover. It's immaculate. It is, yeah. Well, I had an argument with David Baddiel about it. He was on about the bad sex awards, you know, when people get congained. Oh, yeah. And I said, I just wish there was no sex in books at all. What does he say?

And, well, I think we came close to having an argument about it. I think because he likes John Opdyke and stuff. Oh, God, yeah, that's all there is in there. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that, but it's not for me. Aber das ist nicht für mich, as they say in Germany. Right. Okay. We've also...

Can I have another texting question? I'd like to throw some questions out today you know this is based on the George Clooney coffee adverts it's George Clooney the George Clooney coffee

adverts and the question for our readers is how much money does a person need 8, 12, 15 that's the texting for our readers is, how much money does a person need? OK. 8, 12, 15. That's the texting. It was asked many years ago in a different guise, why was it Tolstoy?

Well, I just... Do you think George... I know. ..he's doing a coffee advert? But it's George Clooney! I know, but if George Clooney lived to be 5,018, he would not run out of money. He might be worried about 5,019, though. That's the thing, isn't it?

He might be thinking, what if I get to 5,000? What if I get to 5,019? Hey, pal, there we go. I thought he... You know, I looked at the door, then. I thought he'd come in with coffees for everyone. What if he came in, coffee! With a trice.

He'll be doing that in the next advert. If they upped the money a bit, coffee! Hello, try. Sonny, he'll be doing that in the next advert. If they up the money a bit, coffee! Hello, George! Coffee! In a silk sheet just hanging just below his navel. 297, Chris has texted, Frank, there were certainly no bedroom scenes

in Dog Tanyan and the Musker Hounds, which sets the benchmark. Definitely not. Whereas we know dogs, they're never more than six yards away from the physicals. Oh, they love a bedroom scene, the dogs, don't they? I don't have to be in the bedroom. I'm glad someone's brought up Dogtanyon,

because that is one of the problems I've had watching The Musketeers, is every time they say D'Artagnan, I have a little bit of going, I thought I'd mispronounced that. Are you coping with Scottie's Dracula series? You're thinking, that's Docular, isn't it? I haven't watched that yet. My problem with the Musketeers, you see, you talk about the bedroom scenes, too many clothes. There's hats, there's breeches, crisscross shirts,

they're all trussed up like turkeys. Just have a cloak. But as our producer was saying at Daisy during the break, those scenes always end with someone having to jump out the window it's been quite a bit of jumping out the window and there was plenty of that yeah and the it's the same in any it was the same in robin askwitz confessions of a window cleaner so it's the same trope the only difference is instead of oh it's my husband it's oh it's god nor rich. That's the only difference.

This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Mindsick Fires says, don't you think it's a bit odd that you never see the musketeers with muskets? Simon in Catford says this. What do you say to this? I think there was one musket in it. I saw one musket. Yeah. I saw one musket.

Yeah. It's true though, when you see that advert, The Art of the Chocolatier, there's always chocolate. You and that Art of the Chocolatier. Yeah, you're obsessed with it. I wouldn't mind seeing the three chocolatiers as a show. As a spin-off.

Yeah, let's do that. I'm panicking about this. Sorry Al, I was going to say I'm panicking you know this tippex fact yes which started life as one of those things that everyone knows which is frank well it started off from one of our readers who said that mickey dolan's his mom invented the monkeys yeah frank and i. Yeah, we've corrected him with Tippex, as it were. We were convinced it was Mike Naismith. We're certain. Woolhat, as he was sometimes known initially.

He was known as Woolhat. Was he? And then we had a couple of texts saying, in fact, it's Peter Talk's mum that we were wrong. Now, at first I thought, nay, nay, Naismith, I thought to myself. I thought, nay, nay, nay, Smith, I thought to myself. But now I'm thinking that maybe they talk sooth talk.

Oh, sooth. I'm not going to doubt that. You know, we've always been anti-Google and the like on this show because we feel that we should, well, you can Google stuff you don't know, but not stuff you don't know. Yeah. But not stuff you don't remember. But we think it now... Which leaves a lot of room for me to Google it. Because I didn't know any of those things. I hate it when you're self-effacing.

So I think we're going to actually Google something. Shall we do a live Google? Let's do it. First time ever. Should we do a jingle for it? I'm going to... Because 760 Frank also says, I'm sure it was Mickey Dillon. So are you sticking a jingle for it? I'm going to... Because 760, Frank, also says, I'm sure it was Mickey DeLens.

So are you sticking with Naismith? I'm sticking with Naismith. 100% Naismith. But I have been slightly swerved by... It isn't DeLens. What they're thinking of, who was Circus Boy. That's that fact.

Also, Mickey DeLens, I think, produced one of, I think, one of the finest television shows. I'm live Googling, Frank, as we speak. Metal Mickey. I'm punching in. Hold it. A bit of music.

This is what I always Google, too. I think when you Google, this should just automatically come on your computer. Monkeys, Tippex. Yeah. I love typing that in. Okay. And the answer is? I think I have an answer. Is it just like advice on how to get Tippex off Yeah. I love typing that in. OK. And the answer is? I think I have an answer.

Is it just like advice on how to get Tippex off your monkey? Tippex was Betty Naismith. Liquid paper, it was called originally. There you go. Results! Skinner and Dean triumph out absolutely marvellous. Skinner and Dean triumph out absolutely marvellous. I once heard the right-wing historian David Irvine interviewed on the radio,

and he said he launched what I think they call nowadays a diatribe, which I just thought was a very, very poor tribe. But he launched a diatribe against women in general and said they've never invented anything. And the interviewer said, well, I believe they invented T-Pex. He said, well, yes, well, they'd have to, wouldn't they? The implication being they made so many mistakes. Yeah, and I suppose they type.

They're the typists of the world, he was suggesting. That guy. He was a dreadful man. Frank, in the Three Chocolatiers, their adversary would be Cardinal Rocher, surely. Very fine, the 546. Yeah, very fine. On a monkey's theme, Davy Jones was in Coronation Street.

That's one of those facts, isn't it? That's another one, yeah. Dianine Sharpe, Paul's nephew, if I remember rightly. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We need to talk about Jose Alvarenga.

I think I've got that right. He's not a football manager. Is that the first draft of We Need To Talk About Kevin? Bit of a mouthful, isn't it? And then they said, bit of a mouthful, isn't it? He's the, I'm going to say, legend that has been on his boat for 14 months. Oh, yes, he's that man. The Castaway. Can I just say that clattering sound you can hear is the producer stopping her face with cake.

I thought it was Clooney coming in with the espressos. Yeah, so we should say this bloke, he claims... Oh, Jose. There's been some doubts about this. Oh, yeah. Jose, yeah. That he's been on an open boat. La Chancha? He's been alone, alone, all alone, alone on an open sea.

La Chancha. Are we going to quote the Rime of the Ancient Mariner a lot? The Daily Mail quoted the Rime of the Ancient Mariner. They said that Coleridge says jokerly water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. I'm not sure it's a gag.

But anyway. So yeah, they so they're saying that maybe he wasn't in an open boat for 14 months. No. Maybe. He looks like a castaway, doesn't he?

He had a big bushy beard. But it was more Adam Buxton. It was more healthy. Yeah, I thought he looked quite good when he got off the boat. And then they gave him a trim and made him not so good. See, that was a mistake. What I do not want is a castaway who's had a shave. No.

You don't like your castaway to be made over straight away? No. I mean, you've got to enjoy the castaway look for a bit until you've done a couple of chat shows and stuff. Totally, yeah. I'll tell you what I found a bit suspicious, though, Frank. Turn a bare foot. Was it 14 months he was living at sea, apparently?

Yeah. What I found rather suspect was that when he drifted ashore and then found these villagers who ran towards him with coconut water and a papaya fruit, he apparently put up his hands and said, no, no, tortilla, tortilla. Yeah. No, I think he said, hadn't he been living on turtle blood?

Yeah, and raw fish. Let me serve him. He said, never got any turtle blood. Yeah, and raw fish. Let me serve him. He said, have you got any turtle blood? Yeah. When I saw him without the beard, I really felt let down. It was like a castaway, a clean-shaven castaway, forget about it. It was like when me and David Badia went to the Moulin Rouge in Paris and they didn't do the can-can.

No. Yeah. That's terrible. I mean, you know, what a go. What about when the doctor examined him and said he has no cough, no fever, plus he's not that thin? I would have killed that doctor. Yeah, I felt that was a bit cruel. Can you imagine, plus he's not that thin?

I know. He's just been on a book for 14 months. He gets off and you make him body dysmorphic straight away. Give the guy a break. I have to say now. Tiptoe around it for a while. I find it very fattening, turtle blood. Yeah.

The raw fish should counterbalance that, though. The sushi sashimi. I don't know. I don't know. What's that, 14 months of it? It's a bit samey after about 13 months, isn't it? It's a bit Nobu 2007. I liked it when they said that

no sooner had he landed than locals looted his boat. And I thought, that's absolutely terrible. Then I read a little further and it says they took a knife and a long piece of wood. I thought, now, is that looting? Does that honestly qualify as looting? If you only need two hands, it's not looting, is it?

It's just carrying away. Has the writer ever heard the word mast? That's what I'm guessing has happened there. Frank, you know the best news of all? He had the old tattered shorts with the intact button, Hulk style. He did, yeah. Yeah. But they were boxers, weren't they?

Just a pair of boxers. There was one hole in a... Yes, well... He'd obviously not been playing sports on the day that he left. Otherwise he'd be in a pair of briefs, wouldn't he? And also... You would. I would, yeah.

Also, they said he was in Mexico, but he was an illegal immigrant in Mexico. But Mexico were letting him off because of his castaway. And then there was even more rumour, which I, this sounds like I'm making a joke, but I heard on the radio that there was suspicion that he was a trained guerrilla, and I misheard guerrilla for guerrilla.

You did not. I did. I thought, it's amazing what they can do now, innit? Yeah, but I don't know if they should let him off for being a legal immigrant. I don't either. George Clooney! All I'd say, if there's any illegal immigrants off for being an illegal immigrant. I don't either. George Clooney! All I'd say, if there's any illegal immigrants listening, that's the answer. Get a gimmick. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Are we still all at sea? Yeah, with Alvarenga. Or La Chancha, as I much prefer calling him. The man from La Chancha? No, the pig. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

What his fellow fishermen call him. Alvarenga. That's what his fishermen call him, La Chancha. Mm-hm. They love a nickname, don't they? I don't know. I read more and more things in the paper. They do, yes.

I read more and more. I met fishermen. I read more and more things in the paper featuring people who are also known as and then about three other names that they're known as in various what is it with people they used to just have a name

there's something going on in Central South America where people's nicknames become their names you know what I mean like Pele was a nickname Oh yeah. Like the Jackal. Pele was a nickname wasn't it? And the Jackal. And the Jackal yeah.

It's all adding up now isn't it? What about his wife? Did you read about this? She sounds a bit like me. I like the sound of her. Apparently she said sarcastically yes he was really fun to be around. But how did they know that was sarcastic? I think it was her tone of voice yeah it was a tone of the translator's voice i think it was the fact that he uh he left her

with the an 18 month old or something i think that source that's perhaps the you know what love i wouldn't worry because he's not that thin close quotes so he didn't actually leave her he only nipped out for 20 peter stuyvesant he just got he was he was cast away he didn't actually leave her. He only nipped her for 20 Peter Stuyvesant. He was cast away. He doesn't need to be away for 14 months. He hasn't seen her for 10 years or so. Oh, I thought he'd say, I'll go and get you a nice haddock.

And then he lost control of his rodder. That's what I thought he was suggesting. I don't think it was. Although I think the story has a certain parable quality for the people in Somerset Downs right now. This guy survived 14 months on a boat with nothing. They've got a bit of flooding, just get yourselves a little boat. Can I completely disassociate myself from those remarks? I knew you were going to do that.

And offer my deepest sympathy for people who are stuck in the horrible, Yeah, mine too. Mine too. But also, there is some doubts, isn't there, about this bloke and his 14 months. They think he might have done like a week or something. They think it's a bit suspicious. At least he's not claiming to be a concert pianist.

I mean, that's what they used to do when they found out on the beach. Have we heard from the outside world? Well, we have, because 524 has texted us. Jane in London, a.k.a. Jane in London would be a great name for a shop, wouldn't it? Or a diary, like a blog. I wonder what's happening with Jane in London. Or a high-class escort.

She says, I think George Clooney agreed to do the coffee ad for having his fee donated to Sudan War Relief. So, to be fair to George, Clooney, that sheds a whole new light on things, doesn't it? Well, if that's true. I mean, I heard that the Go Compare man, all of his fee went to Sue Ryder. Is that right?

Yeah, but whether that's true or not. I heard it all went to Greg's Bakers. Really? I wouldn't exactly call them bakers. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio i want to talk about this uh student who's doing this biology exam that is absolutely disgusting and i like it um no he decided to ask his teacher for advice well

he didn't really he was a bit cheeky He didn't know the answer to his biology question. And can I tell you what the question was? Explain how a nitrogen atom in the upper atmosphere becomes useful to an archaeologist trying to determine the age of a bone. And that's today's text in, ladies and gentlemen. No, because we have to sort of read this and we'll know the answer

to that. It'll be something to do with carbon dating, won't it? Yes. Yes. Do you remember carbon mating? What was that? That was something we did on the show. I don't know if we ever did it. We were talking about it. Carbon mating was in one of the papers. It was an article about people who always go out

with people that look the same. Like Rod Stewart always goes out with tall blonde women. Uh-huh. So, yeah. So, carbon mating. So, anyway. So, yeah, so carbon mating. So anyway... Chew that over. You can use that in your everyday life.

Yeah. Remember my theory was... What was it? That Rod Stewart always goes out with women that look like that because he doesn't want to change the girlfriend picture on his wee. Carry on. Anyway, the student didn't know the answer, so he said, since I do not know this, I have a question for you.

I just started texting this girl and I know she thinks I'm cute, but I don't really know how to start a conversation with her, so I was wondering if you have any ideas. He wrote that in his... In his exam. Yeah. To Mr J. I love the sound of Mr J.

Mm-hmm. Sounds a bit children's TV. Do you know what Mr J said? He said, Impressive by talking about how atmospheric nitrogen can be used to age artefacts. Works for me every time. Good for Mr J, sir.

He's a bit of a comedian. He's brought it... But he could have responded in an angry way. Yeah. Pull your socks up, young man. This is not a joke. But you know, the way he's taken, he's joined in a bit, but he's also reminded him

you know what, you get more out of him like that. Yeah. I think you'll find he's murked him. He's murked him? That's what the youths call it. Is it? You've been murked. What does it mean? I don't know, but Rio Ferdinand did a sort of stunt show where he did pranks on fellow footballers.

And he'd say at the end, you know. Pranks are great, aren't they? He'd say, David Beckham, you've been murked, son. That's what he said. Oh, dear. I bet David Beckham misses that banter. He doesn't miss the training, but he misses the banter. I think he still does the training.

Can I just say, I agree with Mr J. I'd be very impressed if someone knew about atmospheric nitrogen. Really? Wouldn't you? I think they were a lot cleverer than me. See, what that kid has done, he's thought, you know, this girl, she's not going to be interested in the academic side. It's all about, you know, whether I'm, whether I merc people or not.

And I think, I agree. I think, although, you you know i remember sitting talking to a girl at warwick university on a bench oh yeah and i was being my most witty and fascinating and she kept looking up at my shoulder and there was some um man digging literally digging a hole a young man with his shirt off and um was he stealing focus somewhat? He was completely stealing it. And honestly, I was on fire. If I'd have taped it, it would have been...

I could have just put it out as a one-man show. Oh, dear. But she just couldn't take her eyes off this man. I'm afraid it's what Joan Rivers said. I've told you this before, Frank. What is that? Am I allowed to say this? I don't know if I can. We'll discuss it. Is it too rude? I don't know if I can. Is it too rude? I don't know, we'll discuss it.

I know what quote you're about to do, it is quite rude. Maybe we shouldn't do it. We can put it on the website. I worry that Mr J has set a precedent now that if kids don't know the answer in exams they just ask the teacher a stupid question and then the teacher's sort of obliged to answer it. Yeah, but he wouldn't have got any marks, would he?

He'd have lost a whole section there. All right. So there's only children listening. All right, sir. A whole section. Would you ever ask a teacher, a teacher about dating advice? No. I think I told you about Mr Orchard, that teacher,

when he brought his girlfriend to the school hockey. What? I love the sound of Mr Orchard. Was he burning him then? He walked around. I think he's from the West Country. He walked around with his... I've told you this.

He had his hands folded behind his back with one index finger sticking out. Just sticking out of the folded hands. And his girlfriend held on to that index finger. Like, you know when you see children doing the crocodile down the street thing? She just held on to his index finger and walked with him. It was...

Honestly, I thought I was going to throw up. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Apparently, Alan's impression of Mr J, who was mentioned in that earlier link, sounded a lot like his impression of Woody Allen

and Blanche off of The Golden Girls from a few weeks ago. Yeah, I do all the voices. Yeah, you know Man of a Thousand Voices? Yeah. This is a man of one voice. Remember when Les Dennis used to do it? Every one of them sounded like that. It was like, oh, Ken.

I don't know what she was called. Mavis. Mavis, yeah. Every one was Mavis. Yeah. So, yeah, so I wouldn't ask a teacher for love advice because of mr orchard's index finger i wouldn't ask a teacher for anything and this guy is he's very much in that bit of the venn diagram of the funny teacher which is the easiest bit

of the venn diagram to get into isn't it is that right have you not had this where teachers come up to you after gigs going oh we do the same job basically i'm in front of people i've never had that really they're always doing it but is he one of those get in with the kids is he i want to talk to you about a little fellow named god is he that sort of teacher i think he might be i couldn't bear teachers i like my teachers very firm old-fashioned spare the, spoil the child types. And I got that in abundance. And also, going to a science teacher for dating advice. I know, but biology? Yeah, well, the question seemed a bit...

I know what you mean. If I was having troubles with my relationship, I wouldn't phone Professor Brian Cox. I can't imagine what I'd phone him about. Why are they doing atmospheric nitrogen? We used to do life cycle of a fly. We never did that. We did the fishing industry in Scandinavia.

Did you? That's all I remember that we did at school. Rat autopsy. Loved that. Rat autopsy. Rat autopsy. They were great. Did you do that?

They were. I'm not being rude, but that was a bit expensive for your school, probably. No, I don't. Because we had to buy the animals in. I don't have to buy the animals here you are being rude but you're probably right no i one thing we had plenty of was rats um so we did that looking back now i feel so awful that we did that but at the time i didn't even i didn't even think about it at the time it was great wasn't it we used to have an african used to be an african clod toad boiling forever boiling in the corner of the biology lab like like an eternal flame yeah like a boiling um cylinder of water it's all swollen up i mean i'm gonna take emily's turn here and say i would have thought what that

would have been a bit expensive for your school. African cold touch. I think it had fallen in. You think it had just come to West Bromwich from Africa. I think they'd just put the kettle on and it took a shortcut. You know when you have a soft drink and there's a gnat landing on the top of it. It's like that.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us, if you will, on 81215. Follow us on Twitter, if you'd like to, on at Frank on the Radio, or email us, if you'd care to, on at Frank on the radio, or email us, if you'd care to,

on Absolute Radio website. Hmm. We've had texts in. Oh, do none of those. Sorry. We have. We've had texts in. Frank, did you know that bread and vinegar both contain traces of alcohol from the yeast fermentation process?

Exactly. The hell they do. Probably in greater quantities than your non-alcoholic wine. But I never get groggy when I'm eating bread or drinking vinegar. You did seem a little heady when you were watching that match. Yeah, I was very heady, Lamar. I was, um... I did, I started to feel a bit, ooh, baby.

He was a little bit... Frank Spencer. Yeah. He did. He put his arm round the back of the sofa. Oh, what about when I taught Buzz to say I love you? Did you? Yeah.

Well, it was love you, wasn't it? Well, what I did, I taught him to say it in the slightly insincere, show-busy way that I say it. So Emily said, like, love you, love you. And Buzz went, love you. So now Buzz will say I love you, sort of like Got Kwan, really. Yeah, but it is a bit like, have you seen that dog on the internet that goes, I love you?

Yeah. It goes, I love you. I love you. It's like a cockerel. That's how Buzz says it. That's how he does it. Yeah. I wouldn't try it on the first date

if there's anyone listening. Imagine just leaning across into your partner's ear and going would it be any worse than discussing the scientific rationale behind carbon dating though that's the that's the big question of the day brian cox he'll know he doesn't look like a man who knows stuff does he he doesn't that's The scientists sometimes don't, Frank, to be fair. No, but that's his secret, you see. Oh, yeah. I think if some people, if people look very intelligent,

you're a bit frightened and a bit, you know. He looks like a man, well, he looks like a man who might wear 12 or 15 badges, if you know what I'm saying. He's got a simplicity about his look. Yeah. Yeah, and so you think... I know what you're saying.

And so when he talks about science, you think, you know, there's a chance for me in the science front if this fool knows about it. I'm not saying he is. He's an awful, charming man. Obviously, he's a very bright man, but I'm saying he doesn't come over as like a super academic bloke. He's sort of like the bloke...

He doesn't have the Magnus Pike eccentricity physically. No. Yeah, I understand. I tell you what. Actually, it wasn't the point I was making. The point I was making is he doesn't seem over bright in his manner. He's not threatening. I know, but I'm trying to cover it up.

Have you been in his manner? Have you, though? No. Okay. You know him, don't you? I've met him once i've met him once as well okay so we're equal oh we've had another of those facts that people uh people tell you as if they're not known hi frank m and coxport teeth that's me bro coxport teeth yeah try talking about nothing compares to you someone will say you know prince wrote that song oh yeah do they say that oh they do well three of us are all nodding so i think that's a unanimous vote you're looking confused prince is one of the great gaps in my life yeah but

that's because it was 19 it really was when i was at the height of my drinking. And my girlfriend said, oh, wow, Princeton, a secret gig in London this week. Honestly, if she'd have said to me that Wincy Willis had done a secret gig, the former weatherwoman from TVAM, it wouldn't have meant any more to me. I'd have probably thought, actually, I wouldn't mind seeing that. I was at that Wincy Willis gig. That was good. Was it good was it any good oh god i was right in the mosh pit didn't you have a ghetto

blaster on the central reservation i just i missed it on prince i don't have no idea the lorry drivers play music as they went past but was it but that was country and western did it yeah was it i don't know if he was any good maybe i need to uh i get on Spotify. He was. Can I just tell you? There's no access to his music. It's gone. You missed the wheel. He's terrible. He's terrible, Prince.

He's so overrated. Awful. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I know you don't like praise, but... Oh, no, you actually won't like this. I like praise. I just don't like... What about when Lee, no, you actually won't like this. I like praise. I just don't like... What about when Lee Evans called you a genius last night?

Did he? Yeah. He did. At a gig in Birmingham, at Glee Club. Oh, lovely. Oh, that's nice. That is nice, but... He used to play in Kings Heath Birmingham over 20 years ago.

Do you remember that? I do. OK. But, um... No, I like praise, but I don't like it when people on radio shows say we've had a an email come in saying i think it's a brilliant show but and you think well don't read that bit of hell yeah what's your sense of what that's one thing i found about the olympic open ceremony when the bloke got up and talked about russia the russian representative yeah you

never get people um statesmen being modest about their country they never say we're nothing special Russia but we try now it's always the fabulous country we haven't tried to see we're nothing special I'm not sure it's in the Russian DNA to come out and go hey hey we're nothing special

in fact I'm a bit of a bore David Cameron will say British industry, with the envy of the... He'd never say, you know, things haven't gone so well in this contest, but I see people aren't, you know, they don't care as much as they used to.

But we're battling on, you know, and it's all, you know, we're all friends. Why don't people stop showing off? Well, this is the sort of text that we're more likely to read out, although it does contain praise. Is it Stephen Sue? No, this is the sort of text that we're more likely to read out, although it does contain praise. Is it Stephen Sue? No, this is...

Stephen Sue. This is 764. Was he the Chinese detective? No. Dear Frank, I enjoyed the show last night standing by the bar, but was mesmerised by your choice of shoes. I think that's someone that's seen your stand-up, but instead of saying, hey, it's really funny,

you were well shod. Did you have your caramel brogues on? But it does make you, I think I did, it does make you wonder, doesn't it, if the mind has, you know what I mean, they've drifted away a bit if they start looking at your shoes. We got a text earlier about my hoodie that I wore for my gig last night. Yes, I'm going to read it now. It's from

Stephen Sue. They want to say good morning to our guys and girls. Morning. Also, they want to wish alan a happy birthday i don't know if we can say girls and girls no i don't think we can i'm really sorry about that steven sue we didn't know you said we went to see alan yesterday at the comedy bunker yesterday is that the book it does um imagine we sat in the front row and me and my wife enjoyed every minute he was on stage sorry it's my wife and i yeah oh they want to go

and see you now frank but they've mainly said they love alan's hoodie it makes him look younger than we thought that's nice i do feel like i've turned 39 i've turned 39 today and uh let's not discuss people's ages. It's a bit unnecessary. When I started this show, I was younger than you. That's a weird thing, isn't it? I have worn a hoodie, which I don't often wear on stage. I thought with Emily, it's a bit like, you know when a 400 metre starts and you're on the outside lane and you think, well, I you know i'm well ahead here and then you find

that when you get around to the straight it's all levels out and everybody's the same what about when i lied about my age once and then once i don't do it anymore but i lied once and then frankie boyle appeared in the room i was with some friends and he said oh you went to sussex i went there as well so you must be so who do you know so and so it started talking about all these people i didn't know any of them because i'd these people? I didn't know any of them because I'd lied. Oh no.

I know. It was awful. I just walked out of the room. I thought I can't be friends with him. No, he shouldn't have done that.

Of all the outrageous things he's done, that is right up there. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Have you thought more about my special day?

We are, because Lucy Hamlin has tweeted us to say, I'm listening to Frank on the radio in a budget hotel. Who said romance was dead? Oh, nice. Not me. I woke up on my 39th birthday. Well, think yourself lucky for that. In a £44 a night hotel, living the dream.

Did you? Yes, indeed. That's not bad, is it? And it's a good bargain, but I'm not sure it's quite the high-achieving lifestyle I'd pictured for myself. Yeah, but you own your own house. Yeah. Did you have a hire car outside? I did, yeah.

Lovely. I thought you might. And a year ago, when it was my birthday coming up, do you remember we had a conversation? I'm sure a year ago, when it was my birthday coming up, do you remember we had a conversation? Surely a year ago it was your birthday. It was, yeah. But on the show, I said, oh, yeah, it's my birthday tomorrow. And you said, what age? And I said, 38. And you said, better get famous soon.

Do you not remember that? Did I say that? I'm sorry I said that. But once again, you've completely ignored my advice. Oh, I don't know about that. But that is your next autobiography, Frank. I'm sorry I said that. I've played a minor role on a sitcom on a channel that most people don't have.

I've done my bit. Surely that counts. Yeah, but of course the word on the street is that that sitcom's going to be massive and win loads of awards. Can I say I saw a trailer of that sitcom? Did you? And I actually lolled. You never. I did.

How come you've seen a trailer of it and I haven't? Because I actually lolled. You never. I did. How come you've seen a trailer of it and I haven't? Because I'm kind of a big deal. You're connected. Wow. It's amazing. When you say lolled, you mean with one L?

Alan wasn't in the trailer. He just nodded off. Just slightly lolled off. It was a hot room. Oh, yes. It was good, yes. You know, when you do that jump, you're just slipping off. You have to do that big jump. Oh, on the tube. I've yes. So, um... You know, when you do that job, you're just slipping off.

You have to do that big job. Oh, on the tube. I've got a bit of a birthday present gaffe to reveal to you guys. A Dean gaffe? Yeah. Six weeks ago, January sales time... If you made a mistake, would it be a Dean gaffe? That's great.

Six weeks ago, January sales, I took the liberty of going on to John Lewis's website and buying myself some articles of clothing. They arrive a couple of days later. I open the John Lewis parcel, and in there is a George Clooney Nespresso coffee maker. I hadn't read the label, and it was addressed to my wife, but she hadn't said to me,

I've ordered something from John Lewis, don't dare open it. Oh, is that your surprise? Yeah. Who orders is that your surprise? Yeah. Who orders six weeks in advance? Point of order, when you say George Clooney and Espresso Coffee Maker, can you please say it with the right tone of voice? I haven't seen the advert, but you can. Yeah.

Go on. No. Okay. Don't give the people what they want. So all the time I've been talking about George Clooney on this show, that anecdote must have been burning a hole in your pocket. I've got one of them. I've got one of them. And is he right to advertise it?

Oh, yeah, it's good. It's great, isn't it? I've got one of those. It's so good that I've actually used up all the little cartridges. Now I need to do some... Oh, I've got loads. I'll give you some. Brilliant. They're not cheap. That sounds great. Do you like our Nespresso Club chat, Frank? Yes, it's... I hate coffee anyway anyway so i don't care about it expensive

that's one thing they never seem to do on the adverts is show george clooney rush into the bathroom going well that was a good espresso espresso i said espresso oh you like to say espresso aren't you descot cup of chino oh so where did you have did you pass it all back up again uh no i said to my wife why don't I just give you the money for it and you get me another present as well? And she said... Well, it's something you've taken over. She said no present buying process.

She said no. No. So there's no surprises. I mean, I've been dropping hints like a maniac. She probably got it free on co-op stamps. She didn't want to do that. Co-op stamps. Well, we met...

Just by my gifts from 20 years ago. I used to love those. Green shield stamps my nana used to get. I was in the spirit of all things birthday-esque when I arrived at Absolute this morning. The cockerel was outside taking a photograph of the lamppost. I didn't ask why. But apparently he's putting together

a dog urine exhibition. But he was taking a photo of a lamppost. Were you? Yeah. And I had to say to him, there was a moment where I thought he was going to walk in with me into the radio station.

And I said, do you mind actually treading water out here a bit while I go and sign your card at reception oh fine and I think you said didn't you I've spoiled it now spoiler alert now I know there's going to be a card

yeah but you knew anyway didn't you how much longer are we going to keep up this hollow pretense why don't I just sit and write it in front of each other Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Why don't I just sit and write in front of each other? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Subject of your advice about Better Get Famous Soon a year ago. Oh, I can't keep bringing that up. But it is relevant because I feel like I might have done a thing this week that could have jeopardised that, and I'd like to just air it and see what you two think, whether or not I made a catastrophic decision. You know I've recently done a sitcom? Yes. And it's there on the CV.

I'm waiting for you to bring this up before. And it's written by good people. It's going to look quite good on the old TV. I was offered an audition this week. Oh, lovely. That frankly clashed with an osteopath appointment that I had. And I decided not to go because I felt certain that I wouldn't get the role. What was it for?

It was for Hollyoaks as a dishy doctor. And I just think, for all I'm not going to beat myself up about my appearance, it's alright but I think I'm an acquired taste I think you have to look at my face for quite a while before it becomes okay No, I think you're quite route one handsome No, I'm never going to be Dishy Doctor in Hollyoaks

What do you think Frank? Be honest, be totally honest I would I mean in different circumstances I think it would have been a waste of like two hours they wouldn't have cast me as a dishy doctor in Hollyoaks they'd have gone with somebody that's you're Scandi hot

no I think you are I'm not saying you're George Lamb wind the windows down when you're in the car with you this is more the thing I want from world leaders when they're talking about their countries slightly more measured approach. Saying, you know, we're all right.

I think we're a bit of an acquired taste. Imagine if the Russians had said that. We're a bit of an acquired taste, the Russians. I accept that. If you like vodka and gas, then we're your guys. But other than that, we're difficult. And aggressive-looking fonts. I love an aggressive font. Yeah, the writing does look aggressive no wonder most of them don't even get baptized

i uh i know i think you're a handsome man i could i definitely and you have a dishy doctor look to you you're the sort of person i can imagine uh giving prescription drugs to teenagers on hollyhock. I'm going to give it a caveat. I think you're very good looking in a, oh my God, have you seen Alan? Have you seen that child's dad way? Do you know what I mean? Is that bad?

Yeah, I just don't think that would get me cast in Hollyhock. Would you have been in it for several eps? I think it was about four eps plus, maybe more. If you were popular. If it was popular, yeah. I love the way you guys have gone a bit industry for several eps i think it was i think it was about four eps plus maybe more i don't know if you were popular if it was popular yeah i love where you guys are going to be industry with your eps yeah i don't know when it would tx but uh oh the industry too i think you you know you'd look younger as well because um you know you don't need botox on the forehead if you've got that big mirror thing on elastic that they are the doctors um it was a gynecologist role i think all sorts they all do it's um i think they all use that do they

circular mirror on the forehead on elastic that's absolutely the doctor's um the doctor's badge is it carry on films idea of what a doctor carries around. I have an image now of Little Shop of Horrors. I don't know why that's coming to me, but anyway. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, you know what we haven't talked about? Oh, let me see now.

We haven't talked about Liz Hurley this morning. The Grace of Wrath. No, Liz Hurley, Frank. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. let me see now we haven't talked about this early this morning no this early fine oh yeah yeah wasn't true though was it no I believe Tom Sizemore who's an actor he was one that said it made up name and I think he has a lot more regrets than he used to have I believe he might have he sighs more oh yeah sorry he suggested didn't he that she'd been into Bill Clinton he suggested it

he said it yeah but I think he was he was strung out at the time Frank he was strung out I've not been strung out on anything

except music I like the way she denied it she said more ridiculous claims yawn yeah I'm going to say that

when people start saying I'm going out with a Northampton clown yawn yeah i'm gonna say that when people start saying i'm going out with a northampton clown yawn i'm in touch with my lawyers i'm only gonna say it if i'm texting my swedish pen pal yawn oh no that's that's beyond sorry can we do that again um live oh dear she's upset at the suggestion that she had an affair with Bill Clinton. I would be so un-upset about this, I would be screaming it from the hilltops. I would love it. I was excited enough just to be in a car with George Lamb.

Imagine someone had said I'd been having an affair with Bill Clinton. I know, it's... Is he your type? Is he my type? He's everyone's type. He's meant to be the most charismatic man in the world. I've heard that officially. The most charismatic man in the world. I know that officially the most charismatic man in the world i know he's from arkansas but still yeah wow i reckon he could be cast as a dishy doctor on hollyhocks if he plays his car i reckon he could have been uh he could

have been the wingman in the arkansas chukka book on wacky races you reckon remember when there used to be all hillbillies to drive with his feet? No. Okay. Well, I wanted, it was one of those I wanted to believe in, because there was pictures of Bill Clinton at dinner, and they really, they had, honestly, you thought, well, there definitely is something going on. Yeah, she looked great in those pictures.

And it's funny, you know, he's very, very rich, and she was, you know, I mean, She was poor, though, at the time. Her dress was held together by safety pins. Yeah, see, that's what I like. She was like Cinderella. Yeah. Prince Charming. Yeah, she seems like the sort of girl that would be good to go out with

because she's got all those safety pins. You know, she must be, you know, a preparation freak. She's probably got a big bag like Mary Poppins with stuff in there. Safety pins, blue tack, stretchy bandage. You're doing your 90s references. She'd be very good for, you know, seeing. But she's a beautiful woman. Yeah.

She is. I mean, they'd make a lovely couple, but I think he's married. I believe so. I think he's well publicised as being married, yeah. But you know, when I started to not believe it was when Thomas Sizemore was alleging what Bill Clinton had said,

which was, Elizabeth, I don't have... Listen, Elizabeth, I don't have time for this. I'm keeping the world from nuclear war. Firstly, he wouldn't refer to nuclear war because it's not 1964. I think he might say armed conflict or something. I don't think he... It's like some madman's going to come in

and push the button. It's that kind of thing. I think he'd have said nuclear. Do you really think he'd have said that? If I had the button that was the yes or no, the yay or nay. There isn't a yes or no button, everyone, just so we're clear on that.

No, but I would be bragging about it. I'd be saying, don't come asking me, I've got on the button, bloke. Asking me about what pencils we're going to get. You asked the button man about pencils. You sort that out. Initiative. That's how I'd be. You're affirming of accents.

Yeah, well, any man can become president. That's what they always say. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I just googled Alan. I would. That's from Ellie. Thanks very much, Ellie.

Yeah. I still don't think that makes me castable in Hollyoaks, but it's fine. It's OK. Well, not if you want to go for the audition. No. It's true enough. I had to go and see the man about my back,

but I didn't know. Yeah, two grand. We haven't discussed... Was that the thing? I thought you'd be impressed. Oh, I'd have done it. We haven't discussed Wendy Deng, either. Oh, yes, Wendy Deng Yeah, two grand. We haven't discussed... Was that the thing? I'd have done it. We haven't discussed Wendy Deng, either. Oh, yes, Wendy Deng. There's another outrageous

rumour that, again, we're not in any way... Presidential. Yeah. Suggesting that Wendy Deng, Wendy Deng Deng Robin, Wendy Deng, who was married to Rupert Murdoch, might have had a bit of a...

Liaison. Tony Blair thing. Like Liaison Dangerer. Yeah. Dengo. Dengo, as we call her. Yeah. I think Sherry Blair said,

a dingo took my baby. Yeah, it was... I mean, again, this has been totally denied. We should make this absolutely clear. We should say, because we don't have enough money for those lawsuits. I don't know if her note has been denied.

It's been her penmanship. She was said to have written a note, wasn't she? But you could write a note which said someone had got nice legs and a nice bottom. She didn't say that. What did she say, Alan? She said he has such good body and has really good legs. I love his power

on the stage. And he is slim tall. And there is a picture of him with his shirt off where he looks like a beefcake. He looks amazing. I honestly thought it was a superimposed head, you know, like one of those yeah i saw that picture great i didn't know he's on a level with george lamb in that photograph and he has she says pierced blue eyes which i love pierce pierced blue eyes yeah but that hurts

prince albert to each one yeah i don't know if you've seen him now he's done that thing with the big holes in his ears as well well cool I'd rather have Sherry actually that was my catchphrase in the 80s if you could have a world leader I'd rather have Sherry than breakfast cereal my world leader

there's only one choice it's got to be Kim Jong Un isn't that your choice I don't know, he's not a world leader well there's only one choice it's got to be kim young yeah isn't that your choice i don't know he's not a world leader but i like power and i'm going for a bit of bob i like that shaved hair thing that he's got i do um it's like it's like the girl from bow wow he's got he's got that kind of look to him well i watched a documentary about gaddafi the other night and uh what a baddie he was, but handsome young man. What, are you saying that in an I would way?

He was a handsome young man, Gaddafi. Was he? He could have played a doctor in Hollyoaks. What, Gaddafi Doc? As a young fellow, he had a glint in his eye. No, I don't like him, he's a bit Greek Dad, no. Yeah, he did look a bit Greek Dad, but a honey of one. He should have gone to neck shavers.

Anyway. Thank you so much for listening today, and you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.