The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - The name's Bond

Episode Date: October 6, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Alun and Emily, they dicuss smellies, Bond and awkward situations.

This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio. Text us on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute or the real Ashley Cole. Also, if you want to put anything on there. So, yeah, here we are. We've already had an email from some people who listen every Saturday in Thailand. That's amazing, isn't it?

Oh, I love our Thai fraternity. Oh, do you? Is that possible to listen? What time would it be in Thailand? Any ideas? Well, they are listening. I think they stream it, maybe. They're saying, sat would it be in Thailand? Any ideas? Well, they are listening. I think they stream it, maybe. They're saying

sat in the sun in Thailand. How lovely. And there's other stuff. They're expecting a monsoon, and then he's emailed again a minute later and saying, oh, the monsoon started. Sitting in the room waiting for a senorita to show.

Do you remember that? Demis Roussos? It's extraordinary. Guitars playing melodies from Spain and Mexico Demis, come off. Oh, just come on. Do you hear it? Come off. That's what he talked like. Do you remember Demis Roussos?

No. Oh, yeah. I'm surprised to hear it was a he. Yeah, it was. He had his beard and everything. I was a big fan. He had a caftan but sang in an incredibly high voice. And it was Demis.

Guitar is playing! Yeah. Anyway, that's sorted out the week from the chat as far as the listeners are concerned. Anyone who wasn't sure about this, they would have gone by now. It's good to get that filter process in early. I put in the Demis Rousseau scarecrow. We've just got the absolute purists now. Exactly.

Absolute purists is our new station. Yeah, absolutely. We're bringing it out. We're not quite sure what we're going to play on it. Speaking of aftershave, my segway is I'm not as good as they used to be, are they? You know Pippi Schofield. I might go back to a moped.

You know Pippi Schofield with the gear changes. No, you're quite right. I was looking through my bathroom. Oh, God. I was right in the back of the cupboard. Oh, God. I was right in the back of the cupboard. Oh, yeah. Right past the little hotel bottles and the magazine sachets. Oh, yeah. Right past there.

And the emery boards. Right past there. That body shaver they sent me free, that was that. Still in the packet. And I found some vintage aftershave. Now, I've always been a bit of an anti-aftershave man. You're not big on smellies, are you? Not at all.

I'm just having a memory of you saying on this very show, people should smell how they smell. Yes, I agree with that. I'm surprised by this. Well, there are people on telly who you look at, you can almost smell the aftershave. More thoughts from the pilgrim fathers later. I'm sorry, I think there's...

What's Daisy doing? I think it's perfectly fine to enhance your natural odour. Yeah, but is it alright if it's stuff from the 70s? Oh, what are we talking here? Well, Old Spice I wore

on Tuesday. Wowzer. I have to say, I think that's actually, you'll be surprised to hear this, but I think you're on trend. Really? Is it back? I've got a bottle of Old Spice recently. I think it's back. What more evidence do you need? The Cockerell's got a bottle.

If there's anyone listening from Old Spice, don't send me any. This will last me, well, I would say the size of the bottle. I'm of an age now where I can look at a bottle and think, that will last me the rest would say the size of the bottle i'm of an age there where i can look at a bottle and think that will last me the rest of my life so don't bother um anyway i put that on i'll tell you what i forgot yeah so i was doing a tv show and i thought no i'll put it i'll put a bit of uh i'll put a bit of old spot my dad used to use old spice it was a bit of a nostril mind you he also used to just put his fingers in the

butter bowl and put that on his hair. He was a man who used his natural environment, my dad. He was like a plane crash survivor eating squirrels and living on berries. So he'd look in the mirror, just finger in the

butter bowl and straight on. I used to live with a bloke who had very curly hair, and he put olive oil in there. Is that common? Yes, we were staying with some family friends in Glasgow, and the dad put the comb in the chip fat. Honestly, that's true. I think that was quite common. I'm just amazed that you knew anyone who had chip fat. Let alone that it's gone that far down there.

So Old Spice, Frank, so is it just the Old Spice? well no I started with the Old Spice that was Tuesday and something I forgot high karate Wednesday no no I didn't have any high karate I'm still pre-Lynx no I didn't have any Lynx

I'll get round to it so what I'd forgotten is with your old aftershaves it's not like you you know your modern day smellies they're like soothing balms and stuff like that but yet the old one you put it on it's it's very rare one does any grooming accompanied by the sound and it was the second time i put aftershave on this week, the hands went towards the throat and I hesitated. I slightly lost my nerve.

I'd forgotten it. It's quite, I believe the word is astringent. Yeah, it was... Oh, it's very, very male. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Yes, we were talking about aftershaves. So that was Tuesday. Can I just say, Frank, you need to be given your propers, because we've had a text in from Steve, who says, Segway, moped, I was crying. I see, that was a joke that I thought had gone, fallen on stony ground. But I can do a joke in here and no one even hears it.

And I just carry on. I think it's OK. But somewhere out there, there's always a listener who thinks, Oh, no. There's a Steve. There's a Steve for every joke. Put on your Steve. You've dragged my morning back from the mine. He doesn't say whether he found it funny.

He just says, I was crying, to be fair. Perhaps I interrupted him. He was't say whether he found it funny. He just says I was crying, to be fair. Perhaps I interrupted him. He was already crying. That's terrible. I suppose if he broke off from crying for a second. I think we've all cried on Saturday mornings. To appreciate some wordplay. Frank, can we go back to your ablutions?

Yes, so on Thursday, because I did some... I don't like to talk about my other work you've had a lot of TV work on though let's be honest so Tuesday I was

was Old Spice and on and it was that bottle I haven't seen that show you know that bottle where you it's

which one is that it's me interviewing Jerry Halliburton there we go and he's done it I've done I've done the Old spice joke and relax. OK, we're through it.

If you enjoyed that, text in on 8-12-15. Yeah. And then on Thursday, I went for Brute. Oh, Frank. Brute 33 on the 25th. No, it wasn't 33. That's what the Act campaign said. I know, but 33, I don't know if you're aware of this,

but first of all, there was Brute. Was it pre-33? Yeah, Henry Cooper used to act. The great smell of Brute, he used to say. I love that. And then they bought out Brute 33. It was a cheaper version of Brute. Oh.

And they advertised it. It was called 33 because, get this, the reason it was cheaper as well is it had a third of the fragrance of the original. Wow. And I like the idea in an old working class scene. I'm sorry, Mary, but

times are hard now. I'm afraid I've lost job at mill. We're all going to have to smell a little bit less nice than we used to. I say a little bit. Two thirds less nice than we used to in order to save funds. Yeah, so they made it cheaper and less nice. They could have called it brute less nice. Yeah.

That would have been quite a 70s ad campaign because they were quite basic, the ad campaigns then. Well, the ad campaign for Brute, I looked this up, the original slogan was The Essence of Man. Which I like. I like the idea of that. Yeah, I've experienced...

Fine line between that and beer, though, isn't it? It feels like... Oh, God! It actually sounds like smelly man. Yeah, I've experienced... Fine line between that and beer, though, and it feels like... Oh, God! It sounds like smelly man. Oh, I was thinking, like, Neil Armstrong could have... Oh, right, yeah, yeah. He could have snuck it in when he put his foot on the moon.

People weren't so sponsorship-aware in those days. No. I like those old fragrances, though. That little whiff of nostalgia. Mm-hm. It just takes you back. I remember our butcher used to wear that, Brute 33, when you'd come round to the house.

Really? I haven't. I've still got, because we're recording next week, I've still got Blue Stratos. I've never even heard of that. Well, that's Tuesday, it's already lined up. Howard Winston. Is that his name? Ray Winston. Oh, yeah.

Howard Winston was Is that his name? Ray Winston. Oh, yeah. Howard Winston was a boxer. Ray Winston's a man, I imagine, got a bit of aftershave on him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, Frank, 527 says Del Winton looks like an aftershave kind of bloke. Yeah, but he's just masking something. I'm on about someone who's wearing it as a... Mitt Romney.

I think he's fairly open to be there. Mitt Romney. I think he's fairly open to be there. Mitt Romney. And, er... Max Clifford. Oh, reeking. Reeker! A reeker. You couldn't breathe within ten yards of Max, that's my theory. I'd like to... Dammit off. Actually, I'd like to... What about this for a text in?

Who do you think, just from seeing on telly, smells of aftershave? Do you think, just from seeing it on telly, smells of aftershave? This is Frank Skinner of Smell It Radio. Frank, our listeners have been texting in, I'm going to use the word droves, because we've had such a big response to who on TV looks like they might smell of aftershave. It's extraordinary. Turns out that's the question they might smell of aftershave. It's extraordinary. We have... It turns out that's the question they've been waiting to be asked all these years.

Ben in Birmingham. Peter Stringfellow. Spicy yet floral. We've also had... I think they didn't actually say what they smelled of. Oh, yes. They've opted. I bet Timothy Dalton smells of leather and wealth

from Ben the Plumber. Less wealth than he used to smell. Timothy Dalton. Who knows what he's done. Extraordinary reference. 109, David Dickinson, Paco Rabanne. What is it? Paco Rabanne.

I don't know what that is. Paco Rabanne's a scent. Yeah. It's a certain type of man. When I'm doing my documentary series, Frank and Scents, exploring these things, Paco Rabanne.

You rummaging at the back could be the perfect starting scene for Frank and Scents. It could. Oh, wow. It could. I tell you that the blue Stratos is as yet uncorked.

I don't know, that could smell of anything. I hope it hasn't corked. Can it do that? I don't think so. I think it's slightly nicked from having used it. Frank, Karen says, Frank, I reckon Vernon Kaye reeks of Lynx. Is what Karen thinks.

That's basically calling him immature though, isn't it? That is sort of saying he's a bit teenage boy-like. Is that what Karen thinks? That's basically calling him immature though, isn't it? I mean, that is sort of saying he's a bit teenage boy-like. Is he? I think so. No, I mean, I think that's what she's saying. I'm not saying that. I don't know. Is link still available? Oh, I think so. Widely. Widely. Okay. It's a long time since you've

perused the aisles of a chemist. I've actually bought an Old Spice deodorant because I like the aftershave and I realised I've got a couple of roll-on deodorants that I had the eau de toilette of. Do you know what I mean? The same scent matching. Yeah. I've never

worked out the difference between an eau de toilette and an aftershave. And an eau de parfum? Well, we talked about it and Emily told me that it just smells stronger, the aftershave. Oh, you put it in the same place? There's more aftershave. Oh, you put it in the same place? As more essence. Yeah. Yes, you put it in the same place.

Where do you think you put it? The bathroom cabinet. Is that what you meant? I'm looking for a weaker version of Lynx. I'm looking for the weakest Lynx. I'm terribly sorry, but it was in my head, and if you don't let them out, I'll get a pain in my... I know you do.

Just below my ears. That's like the pain David Baddiel says he gets when he's not allowed chocolate or something. He says, I actually feel ill. If he wants a dessert, he gets pain in his jaw. He goes, no, I have to eat it. He has to have a dessert, otherwise he's in agony. Yeah.

Somebody's guessed Philip Schofield as a... I bet he does have a dessert, otherwise he's in agony. Yeah. Somebody's guessed Philip Schofield. I bet he does have a nice aftershave. They've guessed High Crarty, but I would say something more modern. I think something quite subtle. I'm going Kuros. Kuros. Frank, 72 and Wogan, like earth slash soil. I think that text is about 20 years too early. Right early I'm sure they didn't mean Wigan

smells of soil ok we'll have more more who wears aftershave and indeed what do they smell like Frank can we talk briefly about I believe he's your old gaffer and he's got himself into a little bit of trouble this week. Oh, an expenser?

No, Roy. I'm in a bit of trouble. King Roy. Yes. Did you see this? He was on the tube. Oh, I mean, that's embarrassing enough in itself. Well, I thought that was brilliant that Roy Hodgson was on the tube. Yeah, but he was holding his coat in a sort of old man,

I feel uncomfortable being here fashion. The best thing is that he wasn't sitting down. He was on one of those, on the tube. For those of you who don't live in London, on the tube, there's the seats on the tube. But then there's these little sort of half seats that are a bit higher that you sort of, you can sort of, if you don't want to stand up,

it's sort of... Parrot perch, I'm going. Yeah, they're sort of, they're for people with leaning difficulties. What a sort of a bum beam. Sorry, can we just give that the respect it was due? They just... That was good.

Parrot perch. They just take the edge off it. And he's on one of those on the pictures. He's on a half seat. Yeah. Almost suggesting the tentative nature of the England manager's job. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's got the overcoat over the shirt. I like that. I thought there might have been a whiff of a firm blue stratus about him. I can imagine Roy going for it. I like Roy partly because he used to manage the team I support and did

rather well. Now you've got that bloke of course. Yes, we've got that bloke now. Also, me and Roy have got very similar throats nowadays, I've noticed. What do you mean? I've developed, you know those sort of, as you get older, you develop those sort of collar curtains. Oh, yeah, a bit George Lucas. Yeah, a bit.

You haven't got that. Yeah, I can't. If I, I won't do it now in case i do anything to my spy but when i'm at home on my own i can do a sort of flick you know attractive women flick their hair yes i do i can do that and with my throat i can get a sort of a slapping sound um if i get it right if if it's like you know uh like somebody going up for a header and getting it actually right it's it's like somebody going up for a header and getting it actually right, it's like the crack of a whip. The two sides of music. Like a cow's dewlap. Yeah, it is.

It's like a dewlap clap. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Phil Mitchell, combination of brute and old spice. Old brute. That's 969. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Phil Mitchell, combination of brute and old spice.

Old brute. That's 969. What's his real name? Steve? Steve McFadden. Steve McFadden, of course. So anyway, Roy Hudson. We were talking about Roy on the tube. I love the fact that he's on the tube.

There's something fabulously old-fashioned football manager about that. Then he gets off it and walks through the car park full of Bentleys and Porsches and whatever. It's brilliant. It's kind of cool, isn't it? You love that, but unfortunately he made a bit of a gaff, your old gaffer, didn't he? He did.

He was talking about Rio. He did say after that he was disappointed. He did. Obviously that he was disappointed. He said. I think that, obviously, I think his greatest crime was saying of Rio, it's got to be the end of the road, he's pushing 34. Yes. Which I found one of the most upsetting things I've ever read. Yeah, but you're not an international central defender.

Well, you say that. No, don't let anyone tell you you are. I know what men will, you know, they'll potty let anyone tell you you are I know what men they'll body you up and tell you this and tell you that People will tell you anything You're just not an international central defender I'm sorry

That's what friends are for to put people right on that I didn't think he'd said anything that bad from what I was reading I don't know if you're supposed to announce your squad on the ground. You're not meant to do it on the Northern line, darling. But didn't he also bring that sort of Roy Hodgson dignity to it of saying, I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be talking to people on the tube,

so if anybody asks me any football questions in the future, my apologies if I seem a bit quiet about it. It's almost like... I believe what he actually said was, I'm sorry for having a conversation with a passing punter, which I like. Who's passing on the tube? But he was attempting to reduce the significance of his crime, I guess.

But I do think there's a sort of a common sense. If you're 34 and you haven't played for England for two years, you sort of think, well, it's not like I'm 24. I don't think the age is relevant, though. Frank Lampard must be around that. Age is relevant to central defenders of the international. I know, but Frank Lampard's 34. Look, Emily, age is relevant.

Just accept that. Peter Shilton, he was about, he was ancient. He's a goalkeeper, it doesn't matter, it's different. Who said that such a good voice i thought another person i thought it was my own head i thought it was coming in my headphones yeah i thought it was picking up someone was in early for rock and roll football and they was uh sticking in there a pennant well i shouldn't have done it frank

well i'm not sure about that i think the reason the press are giving him so much stick is the people he's supposed to be telling this stuff to is the press. They don't like the idea that he's on public transport talking to the ordinary fan about it. I think, yeah, what he's done is he's broken down the walls of democracy and he's stepped into our domain and they don't like it. I think he's a hero. He's got out the middleman in a way, isn't he?

Yeah. The press are worried. He did say he He's got out the middle man in a way, doesn't he? Yeah. He did say he was disappointed that it had been recorded in this way. And that when he thought about Rio discovering that he wasn't playing in this fashion, he worried he'd be disappointed.

If you took the word disappointed out of your average football person's vocabulary, they really would. Yeah. They'd have to start saying things like heartbroken. Frank 740, Emily is quite

defensive sometimes though. Oh. I'm very solid at the back as well, I think it's fair to say. Yeah, and she does, she dodges the odd urine test between you and me. So...

Bang! Sorry, she wasn't supposed to mention that. Anyway, she is a woman. So... Well, thanks, I'm glad we cleared that up. Yeah, she is a woman.

Cast a seminary at her... Oh, never mind. Let's see. Sorry, I've gone very post-Olympic glow. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So.

Frank, 841 Jason Orange wears yeast extract. Does he? And Rocky from Reading says, Brian Blessed uses Weedol. I don't know what Weedol is. I imagine it gets rid of weeds in the undergrowth. I didn't need to articulate that. I could have just guessed it in my own head, couldn't I?

Yes, it's a reference to the Blessed Beard. I think it probably is. We've had a few people texting in that people with beards don't wear any aftershave. I thought that was your review of his beard, the Blessed Beard. I quite like that. I thought that was your review of his beard, the blessed beard. I quite like that. I think that, yeah. I thought you were getting a little bit religious. Well, it's a very special

anniversary, of course, this week. What is it? 50 years? Of? As the rest of the country celebrates the Bond anniversary. We're celebrating 50 years since the Second Vatican Council met. That's lovely.

My name's 23rd. John the 23rd. How do you celebrate that if everyone else is having Bond theme parties? What are you doing, just sitting about having a council? We're talking about the major reformations that took place at that time and whether they've been fully instigated or whether the Conservatives in the church have somehow sought to quash that instigation.

Cathy's loving it. Yeah. But I like Bond as well. Bond mania. Bond, Bond, Bond. Sky have got... Have you seen Sky have got a new channel called... Is it just Bond?

It's called Sky 007HD. Oh. It's a lot of letters. Actually, that wouldn't be a bad number plate. Oh, yeah. It's a bit internet password, that one, isn't it? It is, yeah. I'll stick with that one.

I'm getting a bit fed up with password one. I know if someone breaks in... I've had to change one. I was using Dr Buck for a while from one of the fall films oh was you really yeah so I thought no one would ever guess that

Frank that's interesting there's some what I like it's cold in here by the way I've become I've become very clenched I realised

I've turned up the heating now Frank what I like about all this I've contracted into like you know when you get when you take an elastic band off something

and you can't separate it, it goes into a time. I'm like that. That's right. I've got the heating under control. Okay. You leave it alone. This is the sort of thing we could do during the songs,

I'm sure. I know, I know. Sorry. Yeah, you're probably right. Talk about it. No, but Frank, can we get back to Bond, please? Okay, yes. What I like is that there's sort of 1960s gossip

coming out as well, very late in the day like this woman who was in the original Bond film has been talking, Eunice Gason is her name? Oh yeah Eunice Gason I used to have her on a card I used to collect James Bond cards Did you? Which were bubblegum cards but which were really quite

saucy and it was exciting because I used to go and buy these and my parents didn't know. There was lots of low cut tops and leggy girls on them and I was like, I was about nine and I was, oh man it was the most exciting thing that ever happened.

And then they did an expose on That's Life or whatever it was called. On the bubblegum cards? Yeah. What was the expose? These very saucy pictures were on children's cards. And our Nora said, you collect those cards, don't you?

Well, of course, I was shamefaced. Not bad. Not bad. I remember there was a trap. Oh, they were under your pillow. The family was there, my mum and dad and Nora,

and she said, so which card do you like best? And I thought, I know what they're after. What did you say, Frank? I picked a nice picture of Oddjob. it's a nice picture of Oddjob. Is there a nice picture of Oddjob? And then Nora said, no, no, which one with a lady on do you like best?

And I thought, this is leading the witness. It's entrapment. Yeah, so I went for Anna Blackman in a roll-neck sweater. That folder's smart. Oh, always wily, Frank. I love that about you. Anyway. That's what the roadrunner was saying to me just the other day.

That's what Joe was saying. Sylvia Trench, she was talking about Sean Connery's first day on set. She said he was so nervous, he couldn't even say the lines, the names Bond, James Bond, and he kept saying, the names Sean Bond, James Connery. I thought it was awful. Do you believe that? I do not believe this

these people they try to insert themselves in history don't they and I said to Martin Luther King why don't you tell people about that dream

I think it's quite interesting you know what I mean I don't believe that for a second she claims that the director then suggested he went

to have a drink Sean Connery he should go and have a drink I read about this and even then she said so I took him to a bar and said I think you need to have a drink, Sean Connery. He should go and have a drink to I read about this and even then she said so I took him to a bar and said I think you need to have a drink. It's all me. No.

You turned up, you did a bit of acting and you went out. Do you know what Frank's still angry about the card that he was forced to relinquish? That thing about, an actor surely, one thing they'd be able to handle is, I tell you what, when I'm doing acting I'm not called my normal name.

I sometimes have to adopt the name of the character. It's like day one of acting school, isn't it? You know, I went and they say to you, you know, when you're acting, you're probably going to need a different name. Yeah, exactly. That's one of the things you can grab straight away. Fair enough.

With the old acting. Yeah, I don't. Do you remember the original series of Hawaii Five-O yes used to have a picture of that big Hawaiian bloke

the bodyguard used to have the names it'd say like Steve it'd say Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett and blah

and then he used to come and used to say Zulu as Kono and I used to always think why bother changing that but of course I realised that Hawaiians were probably watching it and thinking, a Steve McGarrett, a Jack Lord, or Jack Lord, a Steve McGarrett, why bother?

What's the difference? It should have just been Zulu as himself. I love an as himself. Zulu, oh, I love an as him. I've been an as himself. And as himself, that's the best one ever. Yes, I've... Ship's Cat, Basil Brush, that's my favourite credit ever.

But Frank... Man in Marquee, Wilfred Hyde-White. Sorry, carry on. Angry Child. I'm sure I was that once. Oh, yeah. Jason the Asthmatic. Yes, we know about that.

Yeah, don't bring that up again. Yeah. All right. It was no trippin'. I keep banging on about it. You do. It's Jason the Asthmatic. You kind of do. It's Jason the Asthmatic. Yes, we know about that. Don't bring that up. It was no trippies. I keep banging on about it. You do. It's Jason the Asthmatic. It is Jason the Asthmatic.

I kind of do every show. Keep wheezing on about it. But they did a poll to talk, and they were trying to discover who everyone's, they often do this, who's your favourite Bond. Why don't we save this for after the break? Because I think it's quite a big chat,

your favourite Bond. I think there's a a big chat, your favourite, Bon. I think there's a lot of grey areas. There is now. I like James Conroy. Yeah, James Conroy. I like Sue Lewis-Connor. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about the old Mmmmm

Mmmmm We're going to talk chilli peppers in the house No, I was thinking of that Johnny Cash one where the line starts there Mmmmm I just assumed that an hour into the show you were doing a little physical and vocal warm up Yeah, perhaps that's what Johnny Cash

is doing, I don't know I don't want to go straight into this Anyway Do you think if they started the recording like 10 seconds earlier He'd be going, Papa's got a head like a ping pong ball I hope so Like a ping, like a ping pong ball Buzz says that all the time

And I'm starting to wonder if he means it You know we were talking about the James Bonds. We've had a text in, what time is Sean Connery going to Wimbledon? Ten-ish. See, that's my kind of gag. That's a good gag. That's also Cannon and Ball's kind of gag.

Well, it's such a good gag, it makes me wonder that somebody's texted in a Tim Vine joke or something like that. Oh, yeah, that's a worry. It is a worry. But let's look for the positive in 753 and hope that they've just made it. But what's good about it is, wasn't Sean Connery actually at the US Open that was won by Andy Morris? Yeah, but he was all wrapped up in a blanket, which I found a bit depressing.

Oh, he was very wrapped up. Yeah, including over his face as well. And he was strapped on that trolley thing. I wonder if they're keeping somewhat quiet about him. He's got a bit of a Hulk Hogan thing. Oh, I shouldn't mention him today, but going on with the hair as well. Hulk Hogan, in case...

I'm not suggesting for a second that you watch his video, but pictures of him in the paper with a blonde moustache and a black beard is one of the best things I've ever seen. He's like some sort of wild creature emerging from his collar. Can we just say that perhaps we should say people shouldn't watch his video, because if we don't intimate

that it's adult content, then they might think Oh yeah, I'll watch that. He might be falling off a skateboard or something like that. No, don't watch it. No, it's silly billies on that. Silly billies! Frank, can we get back to Bond? Back to Bond. There's a poll they did this week.

Sean Connery has come out on top. He always wins. He always does. Number, well, Daniel Craig was third. No, he was second, I do apologise. But third was Pierce Brosnan. Now, I was shocked because there's a glaring omission to me. There is, yeah.

And he's my favourite. And I don't know how you two feel, but it's Roger, I have to say, is mine. Yes. Is he yours? I love Roger Moore. Oh, good boy. I don't know why he gets that stick for his boneless. No one rocks a safari suit like him.

He's a bit comical and stuff like that but then the moments when it's almost like he's been playing the part of a buffoon in the film but when it comes

down to it and he's got a bit of dirt on his face and a black roll neck sweater and he's maybe climbing onto a submarine then you see the

real man and the handsomeness of the face Daniel Craig's little swimming trunks got sold last night. Did you know that? I thought that was the end of that sentence. For about

45, I don't know if you listened to the news when Tonya raised it. About 45 grand they went for. And unwashed it said. Now as you know Daniel Craig poached my clink. So it sounds like the whole thing's exploded in his face,

because he must have wore them in Casino Royale, what, seven or eight years ago? They've been in the basket all that time. I love that you can't let the anger go towards Daniel Craig. Anyway, I agree. I think Roger Moore is sadly underestimated. He also

made me... Well, there's great things about it. God, he's just appeared on the telly. Oh, lovely. Too much blush for Roche. Tablet, tablet! No, I'm all right. Go on. No, I went to see him live.

You know, he does a sort of a... He does a touring show where he talks about being Roger Moore oh does he does he Dave Allen's stool I like the sound of this yeah and no I think it's been cleaned and

he tells he told a story when I saw him I saw him in Cheltenham and he was on about David Niven you were a David Niven the actor

when he died he went to the house about David Niven. You were a David Niven, the actor. When he died, he went to the house of David Niven and he said David Niven's wife was there. And she was outside, the press was outside, there's lots of flashing cameras, and Roger Moore arrived and the wife came out and was screaming and shouting at... He said she'd been drinking and she was shouting at me and saying, you know, he never liked you and all this kind of stuff.

He said, and I said to her, get inside or I'll kill you. And I don't know about you, but I'm a bit more sort of tentative around the bereaved. Generally, I couldn't quite believe it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I saw some great black and white pictures of Roger Moore sort of on location when he's playing Bond. Oh, yeah. When they had a break in the filming, him and Cobby Broccoli used to play backgammon. Really? I mean, God, people don't do that anymore, do they?

No. I've never done it. Fabulous, glamorous times. I bet Rog didn't use alcohol as a performance crutch. That's not his style. No, but I bet he used brute. Yes, I do think. Brute force.

Yeah, brute aftershave. Because if I remember rightly, in Live and Let Die, do you remember when he's smoking a cigar and he suddenly fires like an aerosol at someone? Yes! I believe that is brute that he uses. Wow. The whole circular discussion this morning,

I think it was T.S. Eliot who suggested that in my end is my beginning. Was it? Absolute radio here. Absolute T.S. Eliot. Can we just quickly establish, by the way, are you Roger, by the way? Am I Roger? Yeah. Do you Roger Moore?

No, that's not your favourite Bond. No, Sean Connery. Oh, God. I mean, I like Roger Moore, but to be honest, I'm not one of these people that's mad about Bond. It'sy. Oh, God. I mean, I like Roger Moore, but to be honest, I'm not one of these people that's mad about Bond. It's fine. Oh, God. It's fine.

I like them if they're on at Christmas, but if they never made another one, I wouldn't care. We don't need you. I find it weird. We don't need your type at the moment. I'm not a massive... You wouldn't care. I wouldn't care.

You wouldn't care. I've even... I've read a couple of the novels as well. Much better than you might think. Oh, no, I wouldn't expect them to be good, yeah. Connery-like. I mean, imagine people saying, a glass collector in a Glasgow pub.

Do you want to come to my James Bond theme party? Oh, no. One thing I don't like, Frank, is why does James Bond, I don't like that he has that old man car, sort of Coronation Street car, whatever it is, Aston Martin. It's horrible. Old-fashioned car. It's class. No, sort of Coronation Street car, whatever it is. Aston Martin. It's horrible. Old-fashioned car.

It's class. No, it's a Coronation Street. It's horrible. I don't think there's Aston Martin's on Coronation Street. I'll tell you where we're going now. Do you know where we're going now? As Astrid Martin was a character on there. They look like Coronation Street cars. We're going now, Frank.

Over to email corner. Hold on. Can need to get... Can you two just make witty banter? I've got there. Oh, well done. Can I just throw this in first? Yeah. Oh.

It's good, isn't it? He cried. I'm playing this live, by the way, if anyone's... It's just for buzz. He cried when he saw me this week. I'm playing it on the Coleman paper. Do people still play the Coleman paper? No.

OK. I thought I'd chuck in a harmony there. It's a bit of a Kenny Everett moment. Did you watch the drama about Kenny Everett? No, I didn't. Rubbish. I think people need to establish Did you watch the drama about Kenny? No, I didn't. Robbish. I think people need to establish that there's a thing called acting and there's a thing called doing an impression.

So if you put, like, Sir Richard Burton on one side and John Coleshaw on the other, they're not in the same line of business. OK, just a little tip there for the makers of those true-life dramas. Oh, I love Frank. Although I've done my little Frank Spencer today, so there's a BBC Four... I did a Denise Van Outen earlier.

You did, yeah. But we're not tied to it. No, exactly, we're versatile. There's more to us. OK, er... I did an entire link as Denise Welsh and no-one even noticed. Sean Connery, do you like DIY? Yes, I do at my shelf.

Oh, God! Somebody's just texting in Sean Connery jokes now. I don't know why that would have happened. Oh, I hope it's Roger. He said afterwards, I will kill you. Roger on his phone with big buns. It makes you... Was that the bloke he was in pantomime with?

It makes you wonder if his real name is Solon Connery. Very good. Yeah? Can we stop these now? So unfemale, this joke. Anyway, we're in an email corner. We haven't read an email out yet. OK, I'm trying to, but you keep doing these male puns.

OK, let's kick off. frank alan and emily in response to alan's comments about joggers listening to the podcast that's not a euphemism they're actually joggers i live in the beaches area of toronto a large conurbation in the southeast of ontario oh yes and listen to the podcast every day while cycling to work all the while laughing out loud and having a wonderful link to Blighty. I must say... Is Blighty on this week? It's a very informative show, and my recent Google history since tuning tells its own story. Proust, the Montgolfier brothers, Albert Pierpoint, Wittgenstein...

We're like an advent calendar to intellectualism. You open the little door, go into Google, and there the whole world opens up. W.H. Auden and The Fall, to name but a few. Blimey. Anyway, I can't do a night's move on, Emily, as the fiancé and kids would probably object. Wrong way round.

But you are all welcome on to Toronto. I'd be glad to show you round. That's Matt in Toronto. We get a lot of internationals, don't we? We do. We should start like a world news section when we do a... You know world news, which is like the worst part of the news?

Oh, I hate that bit. You know when you're abroad and you get BBC World News and you think, oh no, it's going to be some people setting fire to a not very good effigy. You know the effigies in the Middle East, that's where the money is. If you opened a nice effigy shop in the Middle East,

I mean, in the age of the colour printer, there's no excuse for it. They look nothing like them. No. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. We're still in Email Corner. I won't bother playing it again because we never left. That, um, the guy from Toronto, what's his name? Matt in Toronto, brackets, formerly of South London.

Last time I was in Toronto, it's a good title for a good opening to anything, I watched Blade Runner, the director's cot, on a big screen in the city square. Oh, did you? It was brilliant for Blade Runner because there's obviously aeroplanes that were going past. It was like the films that started to bleed into reality.

What's the volume situation with that, though? It was good volume. Oh, OK. Yeah. This isn't a drive-through. You just sit there outside. It was good for you. Oh, okay. Yeah. I saw This isn't a drive-thru, you just sit there outside. I like an outdoor film. It's one of my favourite things. I went to Melbourne Arboretum.

Oh, I thought you were going to say Mel B. And there's a lot of bats in there. And it'd be great, that's what I call her. Melbourne Arboretum. It's a little sort of pet name we are. There was bats and and I thought, if only this was a Batman film,

this would be the most brilliant thing, watching it live on the actual bat. Oh, fine, that'd be good. Oh, man, somebody should have thought that through. If there'd been fish in there, then obviously, from here to eternity, it would have been fine for the big love scene. But then again, I saw Master and Commander

on the beach of Brighton, and... How many outdoor... Do you ever see films indoors? I just love an outdoor film. And I went there, and the Tullys were doing a Malfoy. It was that time that they didn't want to start two legs, it gets cold. So it was a bit bright, really, for a film. It was like watching a watermark. It was a very vague sense of something moving about on the screen,

but that didn't... That's the point. What if it rains on an outdoor film? Then everything is ruined. Oh, OK. I have got that ability to ask the question that leads to everything is ruined. Yes, you're right. Well, if we're in Email Corner, I could read an email.

Go on, do it. It seems like it's appropriate, doesn't it? Hi, Frank the Cockerel and Emily. I really hope this makes email corners. I wanted to let you know that I'm not your average listener. No, I'm not wearing a black band tee. Now, let me cut to the chase. Oh, cut to the Lorraine.

That's a t-shirt of a black band. No, a black t-shirt of a band. Anyway. Is this an anagram of a link that we have to put together later? I'm a young lady working in the fashion industry. Alan, you are not. No. Bracket designer.

What's happened? Like Emily. I love Emily's fabulously scathing... Oh, this lady is a fashion designer. Yeah, you knew that I was reading an email, didn't you? Or you were taking it at first. I thought you were trying to invent a sort of David Williams catchphrase.

I love Emily's fabulously scathing comments in Fashion Corner. I cannot describe my utter loathing for the boot cut too. Another anti-boot. A boot cut hater. I'd like to pass my deets on to the wonderful Emily. If she ever wants to share industry info

then I'm the girl for the job. A Fashion Corner night's move, if you will. You're faithfully Melinda, not Messenger 076. Oh, that's Melinda. That's nice, isn't it? The ladies are bonding. Nice to know I've got a peer to cross the sexes. Yeah. Well, I...

The boot cut thing, though. There is an Arnie on tour. If you've got boots, you can go boot cut. Oh, can you, oh, fashion guru? You can. Thank you. There's a logic there. No, but you can go what I would think is going into the real,

the outskirts of town as far as fashion is concerned. Okay, hit me. And that's the blokes who tuck them in. Oh, yeah. Now, I think. Outskirts of town? I mean, that's like Billy Ray Cyrus. Can you imagine me turning up here one day

and I've got boots and I've tucked my tracksuit? No, I feel ill even thinking about it. Exactly. I like the idea he might turn up in Uggs with the jeans tucked in. I like the idea of turning up in a sort of Ugg bodysuit that zips at the neck. Oh, how cosy would that be?

What happens in the central section? You've got to do onesies, haven't you? I have to say, the other day I was looking at a lovely fashion drawing of Anne Hathaway's Valentino dress. Oh, right. Ivory silk. I love it when Frank gets fashion literary. I love a fashion drawing.

Yes, I do. An illustration. My dad always said if I moved to London this is what would happen. Still. Yes, I do, an illustration. My dad always said if I moved to London, this is what would happen. Still, I am what I am, I am my own. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing the bootcut gene. Mere moments ago, and we've received a text, I must tell you,

I have very sturdy calves and a normal trouser that fits my waist appears like leggings, therefore bootcut jeans are a must. Dean is more than welcome to inspect if she does not agree. Ah, filthy agree. Krug will be provided. Hugs and kisses, Rich and Moseley. Krug? I think that's champagne, is it not? Is it?

Mm-hmm. Roughly. Is it not pronounced Krug? Is it Krug? I think I'd say Krug. I thought it was some sort of compound word for hog something and hog. You know, a dead word.

Kisses, rah something. No, it'd have to be K-R, wouldn't it? It'd have to be crisps and hogs. have to be Crisps Crisps and Hogs Right yeah You know Crisps and Hogs parties You must have been to that Yeah loads of them I don't care Rich

About the Krug I don't care about anything You still Bootcarts are still Unacceptable Yeah but if This could be We could be talking

Elephantitis Have a bit of sympathy For the record Rich I've got Carve Envy If he sends another text that just says... We're all going to feel pretty bad about it. I'd love big calf muscles. Would you?

Yeah, yeah. I don't like a big calf. I get calf envy and beard envy. They're my two big bits of envy. I have no envy. Why are you looking at me when you say that? Frank765 has a question for you. Yes? I love no envy. Why are you looking at me when you say that? Frank 765 has a question for you. Yes?

I love a quiz. Hi, Frank and A&E. Well, it's more about your life, as if you were being interviewed. Which audiobook has Frank decided to listen to this week? I'm actually reading The Casual Vacancy by J.K.R., and it's brilliant, despite the reviews. Well, I suppose, like many of us, I'm listening to the exegesis of Philip K. Dick

at the moment about a series of dreams that Philip K. Dick, the sci-fi writer had. Frank loves sci-fi. For example, an enormous book appeared to him and he spent night after night trying to work out what the book was until he could get to the real one

and stuff like that. And he had images of one modern art picture flashing up after the real one and stuff like that. And he had images of one modern art picture flashing up after the next. Are you hoping that it will unlock your strange dream that you had, whatever it was that you did? Well, it's unlocking something. I'm loving it. I'd recommend it. It's about 58 hours of audiobook.

Ooh! I haven't got that many. This is... I haven't got that many in me. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, what else? What else? Well, we're still in email corner, technically.

Are we? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, how are you doing? I am a Japanese female. Not me, I'm reading an email. Listening to the podcast... That was rhyming, is he rapping? Japanese female, not me, I'm reading an email.

Listening to the podcast on my way to work on Monday morning, I love the show very much, enjoying the combination of your talks. Actually, it's hard to stop giggling in front of people who do not know what I'm listening to. You know that thing that Japanese girls do when they giggle?

They put their hand in front of their mouth. Oh, I like that. Well, in the last show, you all talked about Japan. It was really nice to hear. I was very nice about it. Me too. Oh, I was awful. I am sorry to hear that Emily doesn't like my country.

Oh, I think you've worn the wrong tropical shirt. That's what's happened. However, I think she may come to like Japan once she knows this. She must have been on a diet. That was OMG, I suppose. How's it going? Yeah, we should say, new listeners. Yeah.

You know who you are, mate. That Emily has been. Are you still on the OMG? Yes, although it's far less strict than it was. It says, do you still blow 20 balloons every other day? How dare you? That is part of it, yes. No, not baboons.

Balloons. Frank? Frank? Oh, my God. It was a wildlife point. I told you that in secrecy. You said it was in the vault. Anyway.

It was in the vault. Anyway. It was in the vault. Keep going, Alan. What were the baboons doing in the vault? Anyway, here we have so-called long breath diets. You take a long breath, three-second inhale and seven-second exhale. This works for your inner muscles. This ten-second is one set. Then you do six sets with two different positions you have to do

two minutes exercise it's just about breathing yeah sick you have to do two minutes exercise six times a day then you lose weight with no restriction of what you eat no iphone size food good isn't it and very simple is the great thing about it it's not complicated what does that mean no iphone sized food? Because on OMG, your portions are measured in iPhone sizes, so you have two... No! Two iPhones worth of carbohydrates if you're going through that

or two iPhones worth of lettuce or whatever. Could you... Would you be allowed to fold and fold a American hot pizza? Let's try it later. Oh, I love pizza. Yes, we all...

Well, who doesn't? I'm glad we've established we all like pizza. The end of the email is, PS, Alan, when you come into Japan next time, I would love to see your gig. Love, Keio. Keio? Keio.

Could I just take this opportunity to formally apologise to the Japanese? I've offended them. I don't think you've offended them all. No, but I make a formal retraction. Keio still sounds pretty friendly. I'm absolutely fascinated by the... Especially as a Japanese thing, breathing.

As you know, I once tried to live by the code of the samurai. Did you? I did, yeah. And one of the things is that you have did yeah and one of the things is that you have to make every decision within the space of seven breaths

that's one of their oh that's a good one yeah that's why apparently why FIFA have held back bringing in goal line technology because you just

there isn't the time no but you so I tried living like every decision I made seven breaths oh man I wore some terrible outfits

this is Frank Skinner Seven breaths. Oh, man, I wore some terrible outfits. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. I don't know if I've actually said your two names today. It struck to me. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I'm terribly sorry. I just presume people know. But, of course, we've got, you know,

whole clusters of new listeners joining us every second what would you call us colleagues sidekicks when you're when you're speaking to other people you say yeah i've got these wacky sidekicks on my uh i like zoo on my radio show i prefer my bitches hi hold on I'm just doing my diet Frank that's another stone lost I'm fascinated by the Japanese breathing diet

I'm going to bring out what about the whistling diet Frank Skinner that would be brilliant Frank if you did a diet book, I would love that. If I claim that whistling, somebody would believe it. Yes.

Me, probably. Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds, all the way through, you could lose half a stone. It's dropping off me. Yeah, so are the listeners. I like to clear them out in case they've come in for the news. Yeah, yeah, top of the hour.

I like to test them early. Well, I have a little recollection that I'd like to... That was a second of tension there. It's ruined my diet. I stopped breathing altogether. I wanted to ask Emily Dean's verdict on a story.

Oh, lovely. I worked on television's mock... I don't want your verdict on that. It's the Mock the Week the other night. Lovely. On my way out... So proud. Do you know what I am?

Don't, don't... It's like when you watch when you watch your son shave for the first time when Alan says stuff like that don't do this I've been on it five times in five years

so I'm a mock week regular in the same way as Santa is a regular visitor to my house but I bumped into TV's Frank Skinner in the car park as I was about to get into

into a taxi. Oh, you two have been mixing. It was very odd because it was a really busy car park. Can I just picture the scene? Are we at TV Centre here? We are, we are at TV Centre. It was very, very glamorous indeed. We were at TV Centre, we bumped into... Oh, it was a bit like Roger and Cobby Broccoli playing backgammon.

Oh, you didn't say, I will kill you, get back inside. You had a suit bag as well. That's so glamorous. Yes, I did, I had a suit bag. Did you have it over your forearm like Roy Hodgson? No. OK. I think you had it slung over your back, didn't you?

No, it was a suitcase type, you know, suit bag. Oh, I get it, I get it. Anyway, let's not get distracted. OK. I want to know your verdict on what took place, because I suspect you will be mortified. I bump into Frank and... I'm already a bit mortified.

He's with two gentlemen. OK, I don't know where this is going. One of them holding a big bunch of flowers. He said, oh, these are the guys from Room 101. And I've just done that. I said, yeah, hello. I'm shaking their hands. And he went, I keep telling them that they should book you for it,

but they won't have you. Oh, my God! I don't know how I brought that up. I feel ill! They went, oh, cheers, Frank, that's a way to start a conversation. I start laughing and say, yeah, yeah, I'm aware of that. You said, I am aware of the food chair. I said, I'm very aware of where I am in the food chain.

Worst conversation two human beings have ever had. I don't know why I even brought that up. Well, they were absolutely mortified, I felt. Well, after you left... You and I seemed fine with it. Yeah, after you left, one of them turned to me and said, that went well. Oh, no, it was.

I don't know. I went a bit name and shame. It really felt like I saw a flicker of delight in your eyes before you said it as well, I'm sure. Maybe I've been replaying it. Whenever I introduce two people, I like to weld them together with a fact.

I'm speechless. I feel so sickened. Oh, I had an even worse thing that night. Worse than that? Oh, no. What did you do? No, I felt terrible. So you've got to tell us what you did. I might tell you off air. Is that fair? Oh, well, hold on.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you this, but I do feel bad about it. I'm not... You know, sometimes you say something and afterwards you think, no, I shouldn't have said that.

And you beat yourself up. So I was on a show with Clive Anderson, and he said something to me, which was just... It was a bit of a leg pull thing. And he was on Room 101, and he was to what it was on room 101 and he was he was putting in people who buy things buy tickets for things in advance he you know he's a champion of spontaneity and i can't i just feel bad don't even tell him this but anyway i and i said to him he said something to me that's sort of a leg pull and i said yeah

well i i buy tickets so far in advance, I've actually got tickets for your next TV appearance. And the audience, no one laughed. The audience just went, whoa. What did he do? Did he raise his neck out of his collar? No, he

actually, he said something like, well, I'm on tomorrow night. Oh, yeah, but which channel? Well, anyway. Let's be honest about this. No, he's on Channel 4. Channel 5, yeah. I just felt that, you know, sometimes you say they come out, these things.

I think it's that they were getting old. You know, older people like Michael Parkinson, they just start criticising. I think you're being hard on yourself. If he gave you a leg pull, you can give him a leg pull and so it continues. I thought mine was, I don't know, I thought it was too much. Anyway I felt bad

I lay awake thinking about it That's not your fault you're a superior marksman No but Why did I even reach for my weapon? That's what I said I think as you get older it's like a very very slow version

of the alien coming out of John Hurt. Yes. It's like grumpy, old, spiteful, nasty monster starts to climb out of your grey, concave chest. Shall we talk about something else? Well, actually, we've just had a text in, which is rather confusing, Frank. OK.

This is from Martin Ashman. He says, Hi, Phil. Just found your show on my computer. Might I say, what a show. Keep it up. Thanks very much. Thanks for the praise.

Let's not be held back by details. It's the irony that we refuse to read out lots of praise on this show, but the bit that we have read out is addressed to somebody else. Well, I don't mind reading out a lots of praise on this show, but the bit that we have read out is addressed to somebody else. Well, I don't mind reading out a bit of praise for Phil. Perhaps he was praising Philip K. Dick, so the exegesis of Philip K. Dick.

Oh, maybe. Or maybe he thinks it's Phil Jupiter's. Phil Storm in this show, whoever Phil is. Frank, I have to say, there was a sight this week that got me rather hot under the collar. Oh, yeah. Under the Clive Anderson collar. Right.

Did you see... If you were driving round the streets, who would you most like to see in their underpants? Actually, this isn't relevant to you at all. You wouldn't enjoy this sight. Who would I most like to see in their... In their underpants. That's a good question, isn't it?

Yeah. Don't say something filthy. The Duke of Edinburgh. Alan? I can't help but think that I'll say something filthy. I think I might have to plead the fifth. I can see it in your eyes. It's David Beckham, Frank.

Oh, you are? OK, I did see. I saw these pictures of David Beckham. I have to say. What? He was filming an ad, wasn't he? He was, he looked very, very well. Wasn't he in his own home?

In the grounds of his own home? Well, they were doing one of those LA bus tours, you know. When you look at the star's homes. And he was in his garden being filmed for an underpants ad. Sounds odd, I know. I wonder if the whole thing was staged. Well, I know what you mean, Frank. But what I liked is, because the

pants were sort of khaki slash camo, almost, in colour, he looked a bit Peter the Wild. He did, didn't he? He looked a bit feral, because he also might have had a shoe and a pant on. And of course, he looks like he's got quite a lot of ink. He is inky. He looks like,

I imagine he... When they're at home at night in Victoria, he sleeps across her lap and she just doodles. Like on a phone pad. There was a couple of phone numbers and a rattledown recipe just above the nipple. I think that spoilt it for me. What?

I don't mind the tattoo, but they're haphazard I just liked he had an air of vulnerability about him as he ran through the undergrowth which I quite liked I liked the fact that in the article he said that he likes tight

boxer shorts but he also said I wear boxer shorts as well but whities. Tighty whities. But he also said, I wear boxer shorts as well, but I also like tighty whities for sport. And I'm the same. I wear boxer shorts. Oh, God.

For physical exercise, I like to be held. Oh, Frank. Oh, I don't know where to look. It's a fact. Just a minute. It's a fact.

I just feel like me and Beckham have got more in common having read that article. Context is all I'm in it. It's coming fact. I just feel like me and Beckham have got more in common, having read that article. Context is all, though, isn't it? It's coming down my nose. Context is all. David Beckham says he likes tighty-whities.

That's fine. John Terry, not so fine. Awkward, isn't it? Different. Saggy, saggy pad? I'm just going to wipe Friday. I don't see why I should rescue him. Are you pregnant?

I'm just going to wait for it. I don't see why I should rescue him. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We're talking about David Beckham in his underpants, and I've got... This is a serious theory. There's a shot of him where his behind looked absolutely remarkable. Yes, I'll drink to that. It's Derriere. behind looked absolutely remarkable. I'll drink to that. It looked absolutely remarkable.

And I suspect because I've seen him in shorts and various things before. I think there's been a noted improvement. I think he might be wearing a bomber sister. I should explain a bomber sister. I actually employ one of those Yes, a bomber sister is padding

It's not a thing like grab a granny Yeah Really, is that what you think Frank? Yes, I'm serious Have you ever seen And look, it's not out of the question By no means is it out of the question Or he could have had work done

He hasn't had work done He could have had his derriere done. People get those pecking plants, don't they? I don't think you go that far, but you must have seen... There's a pair of pants, men's pants, and there are pouches at the rear and front for such assistants. For such assistants? Yes.

Are they not pockets? No, no. I know that because you can buy... Just this? Yes. Are they not pockets? No, no. I know that because you can buy... I was looking at what they're called. They're called jackpots. Oh. I don't know why. I suppose one has hit the jackpot, metaphorically, with them.

Oh, yeah. But you put foam padding in at the front or rear, or both, to make you look better. And also... That won't breathe easily. For an extra few quid, you can have silicone instead of foam, as it says, so that even grabbers won't be fooled. Wow.

I like grabbers. Yeah? Oh, I hope he hasn't done that. I honestly think... I'm not just being light-hearted now for radio purposes. I honestly think he might be wearing a bomber sister. The terrain did look smooth. Yes.

I felt. Frank, we've had a text in, actually, saying, Frank, my dad has still got a pair of Y-fronts. My mum bought him from Marks and Sparks before I was born. I was born in 1976. How's that for thrift, Hazel? Well, is he wearing them or are they framed? I'm assuming he's

wearing them. Yeah, I must admit, some of mine I mean, as I've said, I've had a bit of a cold lately because the elastic just got ridiculous. If I had wife fronts like that, if they'd gone, then I'd wear them for day wear and keep a nice tight pair for sport and athletics.

Well, I'm just trying to think i'm going to ask kathy if she'd consider sewing some belt loops and i could wear them with a why not why not have a belt on on on your pants why do we have to rely on elastic for underwear that's a good point you were after a shirt with a uh a tie-up thing for a while, weren't you? Don't wear pants that are 35 years old. Please don't. Could you get braces for your pants? That'd be good. That would be fabulous.

If you pulled them really tight, it'd be like a mankini. Yeah. And that'd look lovely. There must be a way of getting a vest that sort of fixes onto your pants. Why do we absolutely insist on elastic? You never see a bottom waist. You never...

Because you need a nice line. Otherwise, you'll get terrible button marks popping through. It's like me. Melt. I do a lot of semi-nude modelling. I find the elastic line... When you arrive at the shoot,

you have to take the pants off straight away and your socks to let the elastic line calm down. If I had braces... Calm down! You could arrive a bit later. Five minutes more at home, it's all important. It wouldn't be a problem. I hate that. When you're kicking

your heels around an underground photo studio waiting for your sock marks to disappear, it's one of the worst things. What a waste of time it is. And there's never any good reading material. Absolute Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So after I made the appearance on the topical comedy programme Mock the Week there was a story this week that Ed Miliband did his Labour Party conference speech

off by heart. Knew the whole thing. Six and a half thousand words. You see that? DC goes for the old full bladder trick, doesn't he? Yes. You told me about that. Healthy creep. But Ed Miliband, apparently he learnt it off by heart,

but also he did it in sections, which was quite clever. He said he only practised it five or six times. Don't believe that for a minute. It was a 65-minute speech. Can you imagine? I mean, I... Although I vote Labour myself, the idea of listening to Ed Miliband speak for 65 minutes

is beyond my capacities. I suspect he actually learnt about 10 minutes knowing that for the next 55, nobody would be listening, he couldn't say anything he liked. He'd probably whistle Jeff Wayne's Wonder World. But it would be... Honestly, it makes my shoulders go tense, the idea of having to sit there for that long.

Yeah. And listen to it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, my touring show is about 80 minutes, 90 minutes, and it's probably got the same number of laughs, to be fair. Oh, come on. Ah.

Can I just say... Don't let Room 101 selection process drag you down. Hilary DeVay before Alan Cochran. Honestly. When you see Ed Miliband on telly, are you smelling aftershave? No. I have to say, I'm smelling bad breath. I've never met him, but I am.

I think that's probably true of Gideon Osborne. George Osborne. I'm smelling a Tesco deodorant with a slight musky undertone. I find bad breath now is an ever more common thing I'm being confronted by. I'm trying to find

a way of... You're looking directly at me as you say this, that's not really fair. I can honestly say there's no one in this room I've experienced it from. That's not really fair. I can honestly say there's no one in this room I've experienced it from. That's awkward. Frank, can I just say... But just so the foams off these microphones are going straight into the washing machine.

Sorry. You have a very impressive, I'm going to call it OBH, off by heart, back catalogue. Yeah. What, of knowing things off by heart? Yes, you're brilliant at it. Thanks. Well, as your eyesight goes, you have to fall back on it. I'm going to play some music, but we'll come back to off

by heart, because I think it is a dying technique. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 033 has texted in saying, Frank, I bet Ed Miliband smells of surgical spirit. I don't know why.

Do you think so? I don't know why. I know there's something wrong there. I really would like to know now. If anyone's met Ed Miliband, please tell us what he smells of. I think it might be slightly medical, though. Yes, I think he's got a medical whiff. Maybe deep heat or something like that.

A bit of Vic, maybe, me. Yes. Oh, Tiger Balm. I smell Tiger Balm. Oh, but you know he's got that sort of... Yeah, Tiger Balm would clear that one. A bit of Vic on the chest, like footballers do. Oh, God. Or a raver. Pardon? Raver. Remember raves? Raves? Yes, I remember raves.

Raving. I thought we'd gone into libel. Frank! So I'm saying that... Yeah, nobody learns anything off by heart. But you know a lot, because I was quite shocked when I came here, and I've heard the old mic tests before. Frank does the sound check, and Frank launches into some Wordsworth poem. It's extraordinary. Well, we were encouraged at school to learn stuff off by heart,

but I don't think... You know, opening of Richard III. You don't want me to do it now obviously, I will do a little bit I like that we didn't have a choice there Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York and all the clouds that lowered upon our house in the deep bosom of the

ocean buried, now are our brows bound with victorious reeds our bruised arms hung up for monuments our stern alarms turn to merry meetings, dreadful marches to delightful measures. Grim visaged war, smoothed his wrinkled front. Yes, this is absolute radio, get over it. But no, you might meet a young person who can do the crazy frog.

That's as good as it's going to get. Can I confirm that there was no paper involved in that? Thank you so much for that. And that was very impressive. Well, there's more, but I thought I'd already pushed it as far as it would go. I'll show you my Prince Hal later. I didn't go as far as dive thoughts down to my heart. Here Clarence comes.

And then I have to start doing the other characters. And people do start leaving. That gets a bit 70s impressionist. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, I turn around and moss up my hair, and I come back, and guess what? I'm the Duke of Buckingham. So, I think we're near the end now.

Mark Crossley is next, and that's just about all. It's been a strangely odd sort of a show, I think. Do you think? Yeah. Strangely odd. I've got a bit of a tingle, you know that people walking over your grave tingle? I've got that for me. But that's

not necessarily a bad thing. What a weird way to end the show. Yeah, it might just be I might just be having a reaction to the brute I used this week. Maybe that's what it is. So, yeah, so it's a good Lord's Bess the sand the creeks

don't rise we'll be back again this time next week we look forward to that we love you all goodbye