The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - The PP

Episode Date: July 12, 2014

The PP: Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Frank bumping in to his parish priest (or PP as Frank likes to call him), World Cup shenanigans, oddly named hotel rooms and tribute band names. Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You know what, you can text this little old show on 81215. You can follow the show on the modern gargantuan that is Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show through the old traditional method of the website. Thanks, Logan. That's all right. And the old DG said to me, Terry...

Anyway. Frank, I wish someone... I keep getting a spam, a spam email saying... Don't start him off on his Python thing again. Your invitation to join... A spam email? It says, your invitation to join Who's Who is about to expire. I get so excited.

For a little moment, I think I've been asked. Oh. And I haven't. I'm in it. For a little moment, I think I've been asked. Oh. And I haven't. I'm in it. Of course you are. Yes. Every year they write to you for any updates and information. Oh, you can add Doctor Who now. Yes. Oh, Doctor Who, who, who's?

Doctor Who, who's who? Email. I'll have to call it Who's Who, who. The email. It's worth it. I'm going to write it who's who who. Yeah. The email. It's worth it. I'm going to write that down now. Okay. Write it down now. Two pens, yeah.

Two pens. Okay. What else? Did you watch the Wimbledon men's singles championship? No, I was busy, but... I don't like it when the British ones go out. I know it's a bit far-off. You're not much of a fan then, generally. No, but I don't like it. It's like being at the wedding when the couple have left to go on their honeymoon

when it's a British sporting event. I always find that's a blessed release. Oh, do you? Yeah. Because, you know, when you're at a wedding, you always think, there's not much time with the couple so if you see them you get a little bit of conversation here mainly a lot of the parties i go to i always desperately need to speak to the host or hostess early on to show i've been there then i can go home at any time it's exactly what i do it's like it's what i used to sign on

yeah it's a very similar thing i'm here i here, I made it, you know, I made the effort. And now I can go when I want to. And then I can go, yeah, it's lovely. Yeah, well I was watching it, I was watching it, it was, um. Was it Fedor Djokovic? Yes. Mm-hmm. And I'm not a big tennis enthusiast, I'll be straight with you, but I remember I was watching Djokovic and I thought, he's got a lovely flat stomach. And then Federer, I thought, he's got a lovely flat stomach.

I wish I had a lovely flat stomach. It's almost like they're professional athletes, isn't it? I know, but I completely I remember a make-up... Although, I have to say, Frank, Cockrell's got a lovely flat stomach. Has he? I wouldn't necessarily say so, though. He wears a buttoned denim jacket at all times.

Still in that old Oasis groove. You've got to love him for that. Well, it was a bit cold in here, wasn't it, when we first came in? So I've left it on for a bit. I'd say definitely maybe. Oh, very good. I call it our kid chic. Oh, do you?

That's what Alan goes for. I'm not sure discussing my clothing is great radio, guys. No. Okay. Especially if we get on to your eccentric socks. He likes a personality sock. He does, yeah. That's it.

Self-style, colourful character, Cochran. That's what I call him. Homer Simpson tie. Homer Simpson boxer shorts. That's what I've gone for today. I remember a friend said to me do you think that the off is idiot do you think that Homer Simpson

wears a tie with the off is idiot anyway jock a bit to the stomach that was all I was watching a wardrobe woman once said people were talking about this TV show that had been on and she said they were all going on about how brilliant it was

she said did you notice Colin Firth had got a button missing? Oh, yeah. And of course, that's how wardrobe women watch television and films. And that's what I was doing. And then there was a judge there, you know, the ones that stand around, who got a bit of a belly. A judge? You mean the other part? You know, the ones that stand around.

One of the refereeing teams. One of those people. And I thought, you know, you've got to decide in life which side you're on with the stomach thing. What side are you on? Well, at the moment, I'm very much with the judge. I'd say the jury's out. Yeah. Well, the belly's out.

Yeah, I put on a pair of trousers this week. I was just about to go. It was quite last minute. Kat's saying, come on, come on. Put a pair of trousers on and thought... Why was it last minute? I can't... Sounds a terrible incident you got yourself into. And...

Come on, put a pair of trousers on. Yes. Well, I couldn't go out in that pantomime horse. She'd got out of her half. But, and I had to abandon them. They were so far off fast, And I had to abandon them. They were so far off.

I had to abandon them. Oh, no. I love this. I so want to be with Djokovic. I don't want to be with the fat line judge. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't want to rub it in, but I have a particular suit that if I wear it and the trousers are tight, I know that my belly's gone a bit too fat. Oh, it's almost like an old-fashioned caliper measuring. Indeed, yes. And I'm delighted to say that the other day I wore those trousers with a belt.

Whoa. Now, that's like people who say, oh, really, my baby sleeps from 7 o'clock till half past eight in the morning, straight through. Cockles a bit Jerry Halliwell 2004 these days, I find. Totally, it's dropping off me. What is eating food out of a bin line on his garage floor? Out of George Michael's bin, I think you'll find.

No, George Michael had been over, but it was at her house. Oh, with the chocolate cake incident. Is that a real thing that he's referencing? I just thought you were making that up. It's in the autobiography. We both read it. You haven't read Jerry's autobiography? I've not, no.

She goes into the bin and eats the chocolate cake. I thought it was at George Michael's house. No, no, he was invited over. She went... What happened? Her caterers had put it all in her garage the leftover food can i just say this is great radio compared to the chat about my clothes this is genuinely i don't know that many of our listeners today's texting have you read this book i'm your only

friend in this anecdote i'd stay with me so she went she was she got a bit down she went into the she got a bit down 1950s approach to depression she got a bit down and she went in sat on the concrete floor she says concrete floor a member of the garage and a bit down it's kind of you know pick a bin line or any bin line right she said she was eating gato that had a bit of mashed potato on it that poor girl thank god she's bounced back yeah sounds like quite a rounded meal though. Gato and mashed potatoes. It's the fibre in it. That's a good point, yeah. I mean, you want to open every bin liner

looking for broad beans. If you open a bin liner in a garage, you could end up eating like, jumble. Like, just some clothes that are ready for the tips. What about some paperwork yeah of course there could be a lot of receipts grass yeah you know when you get the grass you cut the grass and you think i'll put it in there now and i'll put it in the recycling bag after then you end up putting

in the general waste you can be bothered with the foxy droppings anyway so that was uh so i made up my mind that's it i'm going to join the flat belly that's it that's going to be my class what are you going to do then I think you know ultimately it's more important

than personality education not religious beliefs but I mean more or less everything so what are you going to do then you've got a plan I'm thinking

what I might do is I'm saying this I'm going to keep saying this is the last real big meal I'm going to have. Because I said to someone the other day, I told them this and I said that's it for me now because that trousers thing really upset me. And someone said, anyone want

millionaire shortcake? I said, Oliver! Please. And this woman started really laughing and I honestly hadn't realised the irony of what had gone on. Of course, you know I have. I've had a... You remember my millionaire shortcake incident? No. Do you remember? You do. What happened?

I went into a cafe with Kath. I fell ill a little. My girlfriend. And I said, I'll have millionaire shortcake. And we sat down and she said, I can't believe you ordered that. So why not? She said, people think you did that as a joke, you know. You know. Like I was rubbing their noses in it.

I would suggest that you can have it and others shouldn't. Yeah, exactly. Millionaire shortcake. I'm not paying for it. For us? She got genuinely upset. Your manager broke off 15%. He looks like he's broken off more than that. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just talking about cut flowers. We were. Emily had three bunches of cut flowers in her hotel room yesterday. I like the fact you gave her the cut prefix. I would never do that.

I'd just say flowers, bunches of flowers. Well, they could be growing. It looks like the hotel suite of a victorious ice skater. That's what it looks like. Well, Gabriele Di Nunzio, the Italian poet, when he seduced women, when he called them back to his place, he used to have the entire room filled with flowers. So that was part of his seduction technique.

And then after they'd done the deed, he used to say something like, anyway, I must go to the library now to work. And they'd be ushered out into a waiting cab with all the flowers in the cab with them as they went. Wow. Like the whole thing. That's the end of that episode.

A little tip there, if you're listening. I hope I don't have that to look forward to on my day. That'd be awful. See, I'm thinking he could have probably cut the costs on that and just gone for one bunch. That would have been all right, wouldn't it? People would have been happy. Well, I don't know.

It's the overheads. It's all about the overheads. I like the idea of a hotel room sort of brimming with blooms. I stayed at a hotel myself this week. I was at the Hotel de Vannes. I know it well. I'm familiar with its work. There's a few going there.

Well, they're everywhere. I mean, I know the chain. Does he mean the Hotel of Wine? Is that what that means? Yes, it does. They were wise to do that in French because I don't think I'd want to say, should we stay at the Hotel of Wine?

I know, good point. Odd thing to say. I've stayed there a few times when... I know you don't imbibe these days, Frank, which is a relief to all of us. Yes. But on occasion I have imbibed and stayed there and it doesn't feel great the next morning

because there's too many wine references. But every room is named after a type of wine, which is a complete nightmare. It's a lovely hotel, don't get me wrong. Oh, it is lovely.

It's quite dark, obviously, allowing for the hangovers of the wine drinkers the next day. I like that you think only wine drinkers go there. No, but it seems to be encouraging that

and it's sort of posh wines, you know So it's not like the sort of wine where you say Oh, what year is that? Whereas my question was always How many will I need before I'm obliterated? But the room thing, it meant that I'd go up to reception and she'd say yes sir and I'd say I'd like the key to Bo

Bodega Bosque and that kept happening and I couldn't remember the name of this stupid wine so I said to this woman I said look you must have come on you must have numbers for these rooms as well you don't say to the cleaners go and clean Bodigo, Luigi, Bosco.

And she said, well... You're both on jukes of hazard. She said, well, sir, we do. And I said, well, just tell me the number of it, and if I'm in an emergency, I'll use the number. What did she say? She said, well, I don't know about giving her the number. I thought it was my room.

So I said, come on, she said, well, it's 212. I said, well, thank you very much. So the next day, of course, having forgotten Badiga, Badaga, whatever, I said to the guy at the desk, 2.12? He looked at me. You said what? He looked absolutely like I'd walked up to him with no trousers or pants on. Is that what happened?

Was that as well? Did it turn out that you'd said 212? No, but I was offering a metric estimate. No, it was... The natural order was in pieces in Hotel Duval. I know, but why do... Is that when people have names for their houses instead of numbers? Have you ever seen a name for a house instead of a number and not thought, I bet they're idiots?

You just always think that, don't you? Yeah. What about when a friend of my mum's called her house Moot Grange? Because it was an anagram of no mortgage. Wow. Well, that's, um... You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio Someone like the Hotel Divan that name the rooms after wines they should really have a room named after a soft drink for people like yourself Or a non-alcoholic wine The mineral water

You're not going to have much fun in that suite, are you? No, it could be lit. It could be quite brightly lit, like not set up for hangovers like the rest of the rooms, according to Frank. Yeah, imagine saying, well, then you come back to mine. I'll go in first, then you come... I'm in Vimto. Lovely.

I've stayed in Dom Perignon. Did you? Did you? I won't say what happened there, but it was marvellous. I like... I don't stay in many... You stayed at the Beatles Hotel, do? Did you? I won't say what happened there, but it was marvellous. I like, I don't stay many, you stayed at the Beatles hotel, do you remember that? I did. When things were called stuff like Hard Day's Room.

Help, I need somebody. Again, I won't tell you why I had to ask for that. Yeah. Yeah, I quite fancy more of those. Yeah. If anyone stayed at the themed hotel, there's a hard rock one, isn't there? There is a hard rock one. Oh, there's's one in manchester isn't there that's got all the names of the coronation street manchester there's so much to answer indeed indeed all the name of the

coronation street people oh i'd love to stay there it was that time when they had a bit of plastic over kembala oh yeah and then it's then, it's alright, it's alright. Tell the carpenter it's fine. Must have been great. That must have been brilliant news for the... Oh, God. That's fair enough, isn't it? It's innocent. It's innocent.

It's official. I phoned Daisy this week, by the way, and as we put the phone down, she went, lots of love. And I went, love, bye. And I thought, I wonder if she's thinking, hold on. I gave him lots of love.

And you just said love. He just sort of brought up the general concept of a nice and good boy. Why did you just say love? I just... I was talking to Coronation Street, so I'm like Pat Phoenix. No, but if you think about it, if someone says lots of love and then you say lots of love, it's like you're just...

You might accidentally go, lots of love. You know what I mean? You might accidentally do it like that. I would have just said, okay, love you. Yeah. Do you not have that kind of relationship? Do you not say love you to each other? After lots of love, there's nowhere to go, is there, really?

Because love you isn't... Oh, I've got a few ideas. ...isn't up there. Not on the phone. No, I've got a few ideas. Not at those prices. It's all about the tariff. Seventies material about how the phone is expensive.

It's all inclusive now, love. It's all right after six o'clock. Is that still a lie, after six o'clock. Does that still apply after six o'clock? Oh, don't ring Australia. It's so expensive. I'm not sure. Is it... Of course it doesn't still apply after six o'clock.

Doesn't it? I think it might on a landline. Landline? What is that? There's a whole generation of people that don't know what landline is. Oh, come on. They don't. Really? They don't. Really?

They don't. They're not the Busby generation. I've still got one, but the only people who call me are so obsessed with PPI. Their entire life. There's someone, someone who's frantic about the way I'm taking a sort of devil-may-care attitude to PPI. They're frustrated by it. Yeah, but I reckon you must be due at least £2,478 worth of compensation. Exactly, that's why I haven't bothered.

You know, call me when it's at a price worth cashing in. I'm waiting. I bought it for laying down. That's what I did with PPI. Experimenting with radio of alienation there. It was an investment for me, FAPI. Radio of alienation. It's breathtaking, isn't it? This is Frank's radio of alienation.

That's what I should call this show. We can get a new jingle. Radio of alienation with Frank Skiller. That was Matt Berry, but Matt Berry, you know, drowning in a water tank. What? Oh, yes, thank you. The real me there, Leek Tech. What?

Oh, yes. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, you know, you were making a rather 70s observation about, oh, a phone bill's going to be expensive. Yes. After 6pm it's cheaper. It appears like it's something of an apology, because Rachel C has tweeted us to say it still exists, the cheaper after 6pm, but it's now after 7pm. Who knew that?

What was it called? Something, something, right? Cheap, right? Off-peak? Off-peak, maybe. I think off-peak's a transport. That's probably right, yeah. Yeah, so I could have been, I've been phoning people at five to seven from my landline.

You're very grateful. You should have used a landline. From my landline. I only use a landline if I think I'm going to be on a long time. What about an 0845? That's what they come in useful for. Well, you know the nom-ears, though. Yeah. Sometimes it goes right down the jawline.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Do you know that theory that you have one ear for business, another ear for emotional? I can't remember which is which. Yes. Never heard this theory. So I think it was right ear for business and left ear for emotional.

Oh. Someone will correct me. That's probably why I sobbed during a business call the other day. I had the wrong ear on, didn't I? Were you crying to that PPI man again? I had the wrong ear on, didn't I? Were you crying to that PPI man again? I had the wrong ear on. Well, I was using headphones because I'm currently having an affair with my back manager.

It's very complicated. I was talking to one of my Polish staff this week. Hang on, is this you or are you playing a character? No, this is me. And she was saying, she said to me she said when i was little i was very um like a boy i used to you know climb trees and which is always the frank employs at nosferatu yeah when you say polish staff is she an assassin no no okay she's a domestic worker um i like the first of all I like the fact that the definition of masculinity is climbing trees.

That seems to be international. That's what they always used to say. Yeah. Oh, she climbs trees and everything. She's like, like a boy. Not like an ape. Not like one of the apes, the great apes. Like a boy.

So she said, um, you know, um, and I said, oh, in I said, in English we call it a tomboy. And she said, well, are you sure? And I said, well, yes. And she said, well, it's, no, it's not good. And I said, well, she said, and we, and she explained to me that it should either be a Tom girl or it should be a girl's name and then boy. She's absolutely correct. She's absolutely spot on. Yeah. She's correct.

It's meaningless. Yeah. Correct. A Tom boy is absolutely, that's a boy, isn't it? Yeah. Sometimes all you need is a fresh pair of eyes. Yeah, it should be like an Ingrid. That's changed my life.

It should be like an Ingrid boy. Now you've gone silly, Ingrid boy. Why would you do Ingrid? Why complicate it? I just picked a female name at that time. Why Ingrid? Just call her Jane boy. Okay, a Jane boy. Or it should be a Tom girl. Tom girl works.

So how did that happen? I mean, I know I don't want to go too far into the etymology of the word, but she's absolutely... It's the outsider, isn't it, when you... Yeah. 8, 12, 15, how did that happen? If I started snowboarding now, I'd spot lots of things in the snowboarding world

that your regular snowboarders... Snowboarding? Yeah, just thinking of a world I could go into I'm not familiar with where I'd recognise things. I can't see you as a snowboarder, Frank. I'm not being rude. Well, I've got some snowboarding trousers. Have you?

I have. I bought some many years ago accidentally not knowing what they were. And I thought, well, these padded knees will come in handy. I just, I can't see you with... I'm a Catholic, I mean. Don't look at me like that. And I had... Which one, though? No, yeah, it wasn't during when I was poor.

And, um... Thanks. I still occasionally... They're a nice trouser, but they've... Oh, they've got pockets galore. Oh, yeah, yeah, they like a lot of pockets. I'm still reeling from when I was poor. Yeah, so, um, what an interesting point now made by...

Yeah. Justenna. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Tomboy being incorrect observation has brought up a few others. Someone's saying 028. I'm not sure I agree with this. Frank, explain Nancy Boy then, because if Tomboy is wrong, so is Nancy Boy. But no.

No, Nancy Boy suggests, I'm actually a bit unpleasant, it suggests an effeminate man, so it has a female part to it, and a male part to it, that's correct, isn't it? Yeah, so it's Tomboy. It's not politically correct, but it's correct. But Tomboy is two male things. Where do they get the female element in? And 145 has texted, re-tomboy.

You know, I love a re. Re-tomboy. I've always thought the same thing about near miss with two aeroplanes. Surely it should be near hit. Makes sense to me. Yes. Near miss as a phrase means nothing. Yeah.

Well, it means they missed and they were near. Oh, I suppose. Sorry to pop that bubble. Oh, yeah. I've had worse. What I'm saying is it's not as bad as tomboy. Tomboy. But it is also a near hit, isn't it?

It was nearly a hit. It's both of those things, but I don't think near miss is actually incorrect. Let's move on. Okay. nearly a hit. It's both of those things, but I don't think near miss is actually incorrect. Let's move on. I was leaving a Catholic church in central London this week, and I saw my parish priest, who

always says hello. We have a little chat. So you're a parish priest? You're in a Jane Austen novel. Well, he's still... Is he on 500 a year? If I was talking to Catholics, I'd call in the PP. I was talking to my PP this weekend. Oh, really?

My parish priest. He said, where have you been? Because I've been on tour, so I've been massing in various other places. And, of course, I had to explain that to him, because I didn't want him to think I just wasn't going. He was just in the street when he saw the parish priest. He stands outside the church. All the time?

No, just saying goodbye. They do the thing, they do one hand for the handshake and the other hand's on your shoulder so you can be moved even when you're spoken to, you're moved along. Nice. It's a clever thing. I've used it. I might start doing that when I say're moved along. Nice. It's a clever thing. I've used it. I might start doing that when I say

hello to people. Hello. Bye-bye. Easy. I used it in my divorce. Anyway, he was, he said to me, I said I've been on tour, that's why I've missed some ones here. And he said,

I don't know, he said, I like your presenting best of all. And I thought, oh, please. Is that what he said? Man of the cloth as well. So obviously I was fighting him back. I said, have you seen my stand-up? I didn't say that. I said, oh, okay, right. I'm glad he hasn't. Some of the old stuff. He said, what I hate,

and my stomach knotted off, absolutely knotted off, he said, is those awful panel shows. He said, it's those awful panel shows. He said, and the worst thing is, he said, sometimes... Can I ask Frank, was he still holding your hand as he was saying this? I was holding his throat. No, as if I would do that to the PP. And he said, he said, he said, because sometimes, he said, they resort to vulgarity.

Oh, he sounds quite old school. Well, he is a priest. And I said, yes, they do. And I thought, oh, dear, I felt so. And he said, and you don't do that. That's what I like about you. What? We have to burn everything you did in the 90s.

I know, it's all got to go. What about Blue Frank? He can't ever know about Blue Frank. No, but how can i keep it from i mean obviously i have kept it and i said yes you're right and i walked off and i thought should i morally have said well actually you know and then don't say 20 minutes of material i mean real hardcore like the encore from sort of yeah let's not name

actual routines for God's sake but I did I felt like some terrible that sickens me the idea of that I felt like a hypercrite that's what I felt like

and has this only just come up like this is the first time this has come up come on in your Catholic career can I ask you a personal question yes

he's not the chappy that takes confession is he well he does do confession as well oh my god yes yes i use that advisedly yeah well you're gonna have to tell him now he's gonna find out no i don't have to do it if i felt them to be sinful those routines well how do you feel about those routines well i don't know i mean were quite near the knuckle. I think some of them were, yes, they were certainly in the same postcode as the knuckle. I'll agree

with that. But, you know, I think it's true, I have slightly cleaned up my act life in the main. Anyway, it was... What about that clip of you calling women birds? Oh. Oh, no. Shut up. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email us through the Absolute Radio website. Are we going to discuss Seven versus One? The World Cup. In the World Cup, yes. The World Cup. Because I used to play for a team called Battyford Boys Club. Grow up. That's theford Boys Club. Grow up. That's the producer giggling.

I know. It wasn't even giggling, it was that school thing going... Yeah. Is there a term for that? Is that snickering, isn't it? Snickering, maybe. Oh, snickering. When you actually swallow that... I don't know if there's a term, I might call it skinnering.

Oh, yeah. You can't just come across a term i might call it skinnering oh yeah you can't just come across everything you like and call it skinnering it doesn't have a name it's like you know it's like just pick things it's like yours when you landed on a landmass in the 16th century it was you call it what you like gordon you could have called it um we've also had a text saying that somebody uh knows about a house that's called uh brendan you know you text saying that somebody knows about a house that's called Brendan you know you were saying that's better actually

I like that better it's better than Moot Grange Don Roman is the ultimate one it's spelled D-U-N-R I mean all one word for goodness sake the World Cup. Oh, yes. Discuss.

Well, I will discuss. I haven't really been watching since England Go Out because I've already established I don't like a tournament with no English people in it. Really? Oh, I think it's much better after England Go Out. No, I don't. It's like at university. I have my wedding analogy. This is like at university when the foreign language

students are left over the summer. It's just me and them. I don't have nothing wedding analogy. This is like at university when the foreign language students are left over the summer. It's just me and them. I don't have nothing against them. Are you one of these people who's only really interested in a major disaster if there's English people involved in it? Oh. Yeah, pretty much. What a bleak outlook. The news do that, don't they?

I'd rather be honest. They do. I'd rather be honest about it. I do it. If there's a crime, if I see some terrible crime in the paper, the first thing I want to find out is where it happened. Right. Or a major road accident, where, oh, that's quite far away.

You are, I've heard you say, you are a bit, oh, look, our road's on telly or something. You know, 12 people killed in Macdonald, where's that? Oh, that's quite far away, so I'm too worried about that. Must be tricky for you being a landlord though almost all news stories must go hang on that's the owner of the portfolio don't you love that Frank's a landlord sometimes I wake up in the night

and I laugh to myself that he's a landlord I don't mind a few broken windows I don't know what happens with the rent if somebody gets shot Alan we work with a slum landlord yeah well we don't know for sure that they're slummy downgrading the quality Somebody gets shot. Alan, we work with a slum landlord. Yeah. Well, we don't know for sure that they're slummy, though.

Downgrading the quality of the portfolio. I have one set of tenants, that's all. It does not make me a slum landlord. No, I imagine him in one of those colourful suits in the 60s they used to wear. Like Nicholas Van Hoogstraten. Would you rather I left that flat empty while there's people out on the streets? Would that be morally okay? Okay. But anyway, yeah, 7-1.

They shouldn't have scored, had that last goal. That ruined it, didn't it? The 7-0 was so clean. I like that. It's tidy. They looked furious, the Germans, when that goal was in. Yeah, they weren't happy. Incandescent, he was.

Is that his name? Yeah. Okay. The Brazilian press called it the disgraces of all disgraces. Did they? They should try going out after two matches. I like this bit. I think everyone said Brazil, they're complete, not only

have they lost, but they're mentally, they've gone into meltdown. There's nothing, these players, some of these players, somebody said after one of the pondies, some of these players will never play again. They've been so upset by this. I still think, before they'd gone off the pitch, stay on the

pitch, England could have come on completely fresh and still lost to Brazil. I honestly, seriously believe that. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

So, 050 Frank has just texted to say, so Frank has become Rigsby. Brilliant. My gosh! Yes, anyway. Brazil, we're talking about... I need to get one set of ten. Touch the nerve. The Brazilians. Brazil, we're talking about one set of ten so touched a nerve the Brazilians pardon

yes, you know what first thing I have to say, I would never normally describe a broken vertebrae as lucky but I bet Neymar was in his hospital bed thinking dodged a bullet there. I mean, he is untarnished by this defeat.

Would they have had the defeat if he'd have been playing? Yeah. I'm asking you as the expert, Frank. It would have been something like 6-3 or something. What about the Germany said they decided to go easy on them? That was a bit mean, wasn't it? That was mean. They said we decided to go easy on them at half-time. But see, all this thing about the Germany said they decided to go easy on them? Oh, yeah, that was mean. They said we decided to go easy on them at half-time.

But see, all this thing about the national disaster, this is the advantage of being rubbish on a regular basis, is that when we went out, it was hardly classed as a national disaster, was it? I thought this time... People started talking about something else, wasn't it? England's out, yeah. Yeah. England's...

What about Scolari? I love his statements. He said... He said a funny thing. Well, my favourite was, please excuse us for this mistake. That's all right. It's fair enough.

My favourite was, I don't owe anyone anything. There speaks a man very used to tax evasion accusations. I don't even think he realised he was talking about the football match. He went, I don't owe anyone anything.

And they went, another game. He went, oh, right, yeah anything. And they went, no, the game. And he went, oh, right, yeah, sorry. Yeah, we got really battered. I think it's great that he didn't resign. I do. If I did something really terrible on this show... If I did?

The strange tense you're using there. Surely the brilliant thing about it is that afterwards I would learn from this terrible thing I'd done and never do it again. I think that is the blueprint we thought you would follow. The many times you've said things that were... I'd say naughty. Because you have to learn from your mistakes. If people make a mistake and then leave, you're hiring people whose mistakes are ahead of them rather than behind them.

That's a great one. That's my Jerry Springer. Can I tell you something? I didn't see the game. One of the most famous World Cup games of all time. I respect you for that. I was actually in a fish restaurant in Leith.

Were you? Yeah. And they said, there's a group of people going out from this... They must have been shocked to see you. I'm doing a, you know, I'm doing a sort of portrait painting show for Sky. Oh, yeah. And they said, well, we're going to, you know, a restaurant in Leith. And I said, oh, I think I'm going to watch... Who was that, the painters?

The match, well, judges and, you know, producer types. And then I said, then I thought, you know what Iggy Pop says? Choose life. You shouldn't have chosen life on that occasion. I thought rather... Just because you were in Leith, you thought, I'll go with Trainspotting. Oh, no, is that what he said? Choose Leith?

I've misunderstood. I actually chose Seabass, ultimately. But, so I didn't care. If he'd have done a thing called choose Leith, that would have been so wonderful. He probably would do it. The poppet would do it. And he still wouldn't put a top on. Put a top on. No. Put a top on. It looks like he's just got off the rack, Iggy Pop. Because he's midriff. He's much longer than the average midriff. Yeah, yeah. I like that.

He's in the Djokovic camp, isn't he? Oh, he's reptilian now. Oh, he is. I don't want to be reptilian. What about the hair? Yeah. I want a flat waist. I don't want a long waist.

And I don't like a bare torso with a leather trouser. Do you not? I don't have a rule. Sorry a leather trouser. Do you not? No. Sorry, Frank. Well, what about the dirty video? You know? I don't mean the dirty video. I mean the dirty video with, I can't remember her name now.

Christine Aguilera. Yes. Two R's in dirty. Is she? I could only see one on that video. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, I do think Scolari probably regrets that photo

that all the papers are using of him with seven fingers up. I know. And he's obviously saying, number seven, come off, he's about to do that. He's not holding it or going, seven, they've scored seven, you rubbish lot. He's not doing that, is he? But your little insight into the technical area, I found that quite attractive. Oh, what, me doing an impression of Scott Lomery? I can see you as a manager.

Yeah, yeah. A bit Klinsman. Oh, that'd be good, yeah. If you saw me at Barcelona. Oh, yeah. Oh, here we go. You're more of a David Pleat manager, darling. I'm still at Barcelona, if you don't mind. Oh, I'm sorry. If you don't mind. I'm surprised you took Suarez, but I suppose... Well, you know, I think I can tame him where others couldn't. Mm-hmm. Best of luck with that. I've got to be honest with you, I wouldn't have sent him home from the World Cup.

Why not? For biting people. For biting? So what? So what? Hang, you can't say so what. But just a minute. This is all about a sort of a weird male idea of what violence is macho and okay and acceptable and what isn't.

I've seen players kicked up in the air in this World Cup and do much more damage to a player than what he did. But because biting isn't masculine, whereas kicking and shoving and punching is, you get sent home. masculine, whereas kicking and shoving and punching is, you get sent home. Which would you rather be? Have your legs kicked from under you or somebody slightly bite you on their shoulder? I think I'd rather choose the kicking. What? See, that's because you're a bit on the... Well, it depends who's doing the biting. On my macho scale.

You're a bit on, yeah, you are a bit on the macho scale. Thanks. Anyone that makes me feel I need a tetanus jab afterwards, I wouldn't want a bitey. Well, I... Do you know what I mean? But it is a family thing. It's a bit tetanus-y, isn't it? I once had Mark Lawrence say, well, I'd rather somebody punch me in the face and spat at me.

Well, some people pay for that. That's another story. Yeah, but, you know, it's because being spat at is not very male. And it's disgusting, innit? I see. It's unhygienic. Whereas at least a face punch is reasonably clean.

Look, you went to drama school. Stop fighting it. Are you taking your shoes off, Frank? No, I'm putting them on. Why were they on? Are you going somewhere? Relaxing. You've got another show to do.

He's so disgusted that we don't agree with him over Luis Suarez. I think that's the walkout. He's actually walked. I've simply aired my views about biting being fine. No, I've simply aired my socks. My socks, I think, have dried out now. So I've put my shoes back on. Shall we get to a male corner?

Just quickly, Frank. Dave from Harold Hill. He is 278. He wants to know. Who? Harold Hill? He just wonders, talking of the World Cup, whether you lament the lack of royalties when England go out. Um,

no. Okay. Thanks for answering. Um, I, um, you know what I mean, I've got tenants. I don't need to worry about stuff like that. Mr. Vance. What's we going to do, email corner? We're going to do email corner, love. I can't even find the damn thing.

There it is. Email corner. Ever professional, are we? Email Corner Ever Professionale Yes, so here we are in Email Corner. What's cooking? Good looking. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel I thought you assumed I was talking to you. I was about to answer, thanks for that.

Not quite so much, Joel. I'm looking fine, thanks. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, this week I had the most disturbing dream. Why's he not talking about disturbing dreams? Well, I'm afraid we're going to. Frank's had a few this morning. We can't discuss it. It was the most disgusting thing he's ever told us.

It might be our most disgusting off-air conversation. Oh, right. It was absolutely despicable. Anyway. Oh, right. Absolutely despicable. Anyway, this week I had the most disturbing dream in which Frank abducted my younger sister and kept her shackled in a dingy basement somewhere. No, hold on.

Abducted's a big word, isn't it? I'd say cajoled. I'd say dated. Yeah, and was it a dingy basement or was it evocative, actually? Well, the thing about Frank, as a landlord, he does always replace the bowls. He's got some very nice property available. I like a bit of mood lighting in a basement.

So, hold on, I... You kept... Kidnapped his sister. His younger sister kept a shackle in a dingy basement. Her younger sister, this is a girl, right? Oh, is it? Yeah. But despite knowing that,

my family and I kept on listening to the podcast. There is a girl writing. Oh, is it? Yeah. But despite knowing that, my family and I kept on listening to the podcast. There you go. They were looking for clues, I imagine. I'm not sure how this reflects on my priorities

or perhaps it just reflects on the quality of the show. Lovely. Oh, it's Imogen. Could reflect on the quality of her sister. Maybe she'd be glad to have a shackle

up to her. I can see you've gone a bit silent to the lambs. Yeah. I'm imagining it was dank down there. That's what bassists always are in those sort of things. You don't hear the word dank that often. You'd be Silence of the Lambs, except instead of blasting music,

you'd be playing Tony Hancock videos, strange W.C. Fields movies. You don't want that, do you, when you're shackled and you can hear... Stone me, what a life. old movies. You don't want that, do you? When you're shackled and you can hear da-da-da-da-da-da. Stone me, what a life. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

Are we still in the email corner, Frank? We are. Okay. Can't you smell the sea? In the email corner? Yeah. I always smell the sea? In the email corner. Yeah. I always imagine it's near the beach email corner. Oh, yeah. This is from David.

In a cove. Mm-hmm. Okay. David, okay. Yeah. Hi, team. Long-time reader, first-time writer. I was out for a lunchtime walk, partaking in a spot of pavement racing.

Listening to the podcast from a couple of weeks ago when you were discussing Olly Murs. I can never say his name. Murs? Is it Olly Murs? In fact, you're the Mursian here. Do you know Olly Murs? No, but thanks for the tip.

Okay, Olly Murs. Hats and fleeting talent show fame. Who did we get him mixed up with? What was the other bloke called? Oh, Matt Cardle. Yeah, Matt Cardle. Can I say, Daisy whispered that in a real X Factor view, where she went, Matt Cardle.

OK. When I saw a sign outside a soon-to-reopen nightclub near where I live that informed me that Olly Murs was playing there soon, I thought that Olly Murs must have slipped a bit to be playing there until I realised it was actually an Olly Murs tribute act, and not only that, it was Britain's number one tribute show. I was just wondering with your showbiz knowledge whether you're aware of

anyone further down the entertainment food chain that has a tribute act. What was the name of Olly Murs tribute act? That's what we want to know because it's the names of the tribute acts that are... Surely you two can come up with something. Olly Worse. Olly Worse. That is that if he is worse.

Yeah. Ollie Best. Not as good as it is. Doesn't work so well, does it? Doesn't work. No. Don't like so much. Or maybe our readers can text in.

Matt Cardle, I'd call. That's the name I'd go for. The tribute act. I imagine the Ollie Merce tribute act is Matt Cardle. What about a Matt Cardle tribute act, Matt Curdle? Oh, that's good. That's pretty good. You're absolutely on fire.

Best one I ever saw was... I actually... I invented one, and then it happened. What was it? Proxy Music. I was going to do a documentary about tribute acts and I thought Proxy Music would be a good name. And now there is a Roxy Music tribute act called Proxy Music.

The best one I ever saw was Shania Twain. Love that one. And the Scottish Sex Pistols were called Johnny McRot and Sid McVicious, etc. And the manager was called Malcolm McClaren. Not McLaren. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. At all manner of tribute acts coming in, Frank.

Yes, it's our audience's kind of thing. They like this. This is Ponds Music. Andy in Cumbria. Best tribute acts Spandau Barry or Rich Clifford and the Sadows. That's very fine. Rich Clifford and the Sadows. I enjoy that.

And Paul texts, hi, there used to be a tribute group called Malt Love around the dorking area some years ago. I love Malt Love. What, the tribute act? The food. I love it. The Foe Fighters. That's excellent. That's from 999. Also,

Foe, proxy, all that. You can't do it with the pretenders, can you? Because the pretenders, if you're pretending to be the pretenders. Now, how do you feel about this, 816? Olly Morse said in a je suis fashion. Morse. Oh, stop doing that, Al.

Je suis. I don't get it, though, because it's not more than Olly, it's less, isn't it? Yeah, I wouldn't be too critical of other people. Olly less would be good. Okay. What about Folly Musk? Because it's a sort of... Folly Mask? It's like a folly.

It's like, you know, it represents a real building, but in fact it's just... Mm-hmm. We've also had a question. Has Frank discussed Suarez's cannibalism with the S&M community? I think that may be where his leniency stems from. Might have, might not. Mind your own business. High through seven being a bit cheeky.

I think we've all gone home with teeth marks in our time, haven't we? Fine. Haven't we? Yes, but that's not the point. Is it? Okay. What about five through seven? I've only just put the radio on and I was wondering if I'd missed anything important.

Any news on whether Emily has a boyfriend or not? I'm sure she would have mentioned it by now, if so. Oh, not today. Is that a bit sarcastic? Yes, I have. Thank you very much for asking. Yes. Yes, Emily as a boyfriend.

That sounds a bit sarky, doesn't it? In fact, I've written a little song about it. Emily as a boyfriend, and he's a nice guy. What do you think? Elvis Costello? Well, I think it's Costello-esque. I love it. Yes. I was trying to think. Elvis? That was an Elvis Costello? It's what I think. It's Costello-esque. I love it. Yes.

I was trying to think. Elvis Costello. Yeah, that'd be good. Elvis. It reminds me. Elvis Costello. Oh, there's an Elvis one. There's a, there's a, I think he's a Spanish, or he speaks Spanish, and he's called Elvis.

Oh. Oh, that's first class. And his house is called, I know I said I didn't like houses with names, but his house is called Graziasland. What about James has suggested skinnering, the art of peeling the milky skin off a lukewarm cup of tea or coffee? How do you feel about that? I'm happy with that. Do you bin it or do you eat it?

I eat it. I don't go into establishments where that event occurs, if I'm going to be completely honest. What I do is I hang it from my nostril for comedy purposes. And then I slightly lean forward and start searching all my pockets frantically like I'm looking for a handkerchief or tissue. It brings the house down, listeners. He does do that. He's done it with clean film.

Oh, God, listeners. He does do that. He's done it with clean film. Oh, gorgeous. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Something I noticed in the world I've been looking at Louis van Gaal, the Dutch manager for the whole world. I'm thinking who does he remind? He's got quite an unusual shape. Yeah, he's a funny old one.

I realise now, he looks like Eagle Piggle from In the Night. No. I'm loving your references. Yeah. Used to be a very different sort of video you referenced. Yeah, it's all different now. What about Thinner Lizzy? Thinner Lizzy.

Oh. That's what I'm dreaming of. That's from 835. That wasn't what you were dreaming of. Let's not talk about that. Stop it. Hi, gang. I was up in Gateshead in the mid-90s and I see Bon Jordi.

Bon Jordi. That's Crow Man plastering near Baker Street. Crow Man? Oh, okay. Oh, Ronnie Woods doing some... Crow Man was Wurzel Gummidge, wasn't he? Wasn't he sort of the mentor of Wurzel Gummidge, wasn't he? Wasn't he sort of the mentor

of Wurzel Gummidge? Yes, he was. Yeah. He was a friend of my parents. A tribute act called Pete Loaf. Does that work? I suppose if he's called Pete. He's Glaswegian so I wouldn't argue. Okay. That's a bit stereotypical, isn't it, Alan?

I think so, but... Have we done? I don't know, are we still in the email corner? Of course. Carry on waltzing around in there. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. I've been listening to last weekend's podcast and thought I'd write regarding Frank's comments

about setting alarm times. Oh, yeah. To bring in any new listenership. Frank, you started to change the game, didn't you? I got up this morning. My alarm went off at 6.04. Frank is rejecting the twelfths. The oppressive twelfths that make us do everything.

I'll see you at five past or ten past or twenty past. Why? Four minutes past is just as good. In fact, none of you have noticed this morning. What I often say is, towards the end of a song, I'll shout 15 seconds so everyone's ready to speak and not swearing when the mic's going back up. Yeah, we'll turn it down.

But today I've been saying 14, 17, 13. Haven't noticed. Barely listening at that point. We can fight this together, everyone. If you haven't got anything better to do, join us. Dave the E- emailer continues, I too moved away from setting my alarm on the fives many years ago,

as I thought it was much more adventurous to set it on random numbers. Exactly. However, I've since moved further left field in that I can now only set an alarm where the first and last numbers are the same. It's become a bit of an OCD, because I've passed on to my teenage

children. Oh, no, he's created another of pressure, hasn't he? Yes. I know he has to do that. He continues, as an example, if I wanted to set my alarm at 7am, I would have the option of 656 or 707. Like, I would have the option. There's no other choices available. So one would be a bit early and the other probably too late. I've been doing this for years and I've no idea where it started,

but I think I'm now cursed to do it forever more, Dave. Good work, Dave. I would just, if you're interested, I would go 6.56 if I wanted to be up at 7. And then I would try. People think I'm a negative individual, but I think this is positive thinking. I would try and look forward to something nice for that four minutes, like I would play a four minute long good song. You'd make me sick.

Or I would, you know, I would, uh, perhaps, you know, have a... You could do 656 and hit snooze. Oh, no, I never hit snooze. I thought you told me once I should never hit snooze. I should. I hate to tell you, we weren't in bed together at the time. No, never hit snooze. We've never been in bed together.

Ever. And if we were, I imagine that we'd both be wearing long nighties. Oh, we would. Reading newspapers. Yeah, we would. Shall we all go? We'd be like Morecambe and Wise, wouldn't we? We would be like Morecambe and Wise.

Except a lot funnier. Imagine I said that. Terrible thing to say. Yes. Can we point out that's not the official belief of Absolute Radio? I don't know what their line is on Morecambe Wise, having said that. I've gone through the manual. If I've done it once, I've done it a dozen times.

I can't find a reference to Morecambe Wise and the Absolute Radio. What we believe. Have you read What We Believe, Absolute Radio? Is it like Mein Kampf? It's a bit more wishy-washy than that, if I'm going to be absolutely honest. You could use that four minutes for sit-ups, couldn't you? I was quite surprised on their line on the kibbutz, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. Go on. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. Go on! Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show directly through the Absolute Radio website. You know what we haven't talked about yet this morning? We haven't done a royal story. Oh. And we are actually royal watchers on this show.

Yeah. We're royal watchers. Are we royal watchers? We're right royal watchers. Well, you like Prince Charles. He had a lovely time over his gaff. He's all right, Prince Charles. You know, he's a bloke.

It's one of your best name drops when I first was doing the show and you said, oh, I once told Prince Charles and I thought, clang! It's a great name drop. And then you met me. Indeed. So, but this week, Wills was the star attraction. They did a doubleheader, the two of them, in appearance. You don't often see that.

Yes, I saw this. And it all goes a bit Star is Born and I can't bear it. Because what did Prince Charles do? He got old. That's it. It's not his fault. But Wills was in the pool. They were with the Subaqua... I was going to say community.

It's a mistake, isn't it? If your hair is disappearing, you don't want to get it wet in photos. No. The light and the sunlight. I saw some weird photos where it looked like he'd got it wet and then brushed it into a side parting and then had the photo taken once he was at the pool. You know, it's unforgiving, water and the thin hair daylight daylight is not his friend he can never go back now there's like proper photographic evidence of it balding and wet now what you want you couldn't do like a rooney now no you know michael keaton he's got keep it keep it a little bit frothy

it's like a cloud passing across the moon. What about David Guest? He does that, employs that trick too. Oh, yeah, it does work quite well. He employs many tricks. Some I don't even call them tricks, I call them procedures. But Keaton, it must be tense for Keaton, just getting that just right so it just sits there.

There's a lot of teasing in the morning with Keaton. Yeah, I bet there is. But you wouldn't get Keaton in poolside in a picture like that, would you? Well, all I'm saying is I think the water might go a bit black, but that's another story. So anyway, Charles was there and the chairman of the Subaqua Association was there. Well, I think the idea is that William is taking over the presidency of the sub aqua association was there well i think the idea is that william

is taking over the presidency of the sub act i mean yeah can you imagine how many people asked prince charles to be president of their association and he opts for sub aqua club yeah frank can you imagine you in the sub aqua club what do they say do they meet up have you done any good dives recently i think that's exactly what they say, yeah. Is that what they say? I think that's the sort of thing they talk about. I think they mainly say... I imagine all their meetings are held underwater. And they just communicate through hand signals like that.

I wish Charles had gone in, but he'd gone in with the suit on. You'd just see him walking. Walking across the bottom of the pool, handing the jacket pockets, shaking hands with people. No sub-aququa gear or anything. I did feel like it was very much a demonstration of one rule for the rest of us and one rule for them in that the swimming pool has massive letters in the background of the photo saying,

No diving, and Wills is there in scuba kits. It really felt like... Did it say no heavy petting? No petting. Oh, I love no petting. Oh, yeah, imagine if they come back and do heavy petting and bombing. I flouted that rule. He could do whatever he wanted to do. Also, I bet Prince Charles didn't have those blue plastic

things on his shoes that you have to put on if you're going into the poolside. Oh, for the barucas. Honestly. Frank, imagine if they asked you to be chairman of the Sub Aqua Club. Oh, I'd love that. Given that he's a recent convert to swimming at all diving is completely out of mind well you know what i mean oh very good so this chairman character

he uh instead of focusing on wills he said of charles he brought up a photograph of charles which i remember from the 80s see i didn't remember i did he's windsurfing and he looks ripped and the chairman said said he looked buff. And Charles didn't know what that meant. It was very embarrassing. Oh, he did that proper sort of posh guy not speaking the modern vernacular. What on earth does this mean? One of those, you know, who is, who is Gazza? Yeah, absolutely.

It was that moment. But it had the picture, I must say. I don't remember him ever looking groovy. What do you think? He looked great. He looks amazing. Flat stomach. Flat stomach?

He's got a Djokovic stomach. Djokovic, not judge. Can I say, I just turned down a cupcake as part of my new regime. It's the longest journey starts with a single what have you just made that the only thing you ate all day like me well i'm told to that come aboard okay this is frank skinner i'll just say on behalf of prince will that I do think the comparison with Prince Charles, who's windsurfing from sort of 30 years ago, whatever it was,

and he's just got shorts on and he's looking lean and good, and Wills is a bit older than Charles was then and is in a wetsuit, and there is no less flattering fabric than wetsuit material. He looked good, though, William, didn't he? Oh, he's got a good bod. I'm sure he does, but it doesn't show up under a wetsuit, does it? You've got a lot of spare time if you're a royal, so you can work on it.

It's like when De Niro comes out of prison in Cape Fear. He's been in tremendous shag, he's had nothing else to do other than work out. And you're not eating the old caricatona diet. I'm waiting for Prince William to have Chairman Mao tattooed on his face or something like that as part of the spare time thing. So there, you know,

I suppose Prince Charles had that small window of sexiness that William had back in the year. Yeah. I was shocked he didn't know Buff though. Buff is a common parlance now, isn't it? I would say. What about when he said, he was diving once,

and he said, I saw a moray eel, Prince Charles said, and he said, I shot off like a Polaris missile. And I thought, how easy they lapse into military references to weapons of death in a casual manner. That's how they think of us, as just missile fodder. Well, I fell for a new word that I didn't know this week. Oh, God, what was it? This very week, I was on a plane coming back from Edinburgh,

and it's probably the least populated full-size plane I've ever been on. And the co-pilot stood at the front and said, as you can see, it's a pretty quiet flight tonight. We'd ask you to please stay in the seat you've been allotted for trim reasons. And I thought, what? And trim, are you aware of this, Alan? You're very male. No? You're very male.

No. You're very male. I'm not very male. Trim is the word they use for balance on an aeroplane. Is that right? You know, it's just that little thing that we... Oh, we let the military leak out. Yeah.

Let it seep out. No, I think he was trying to be diplomatic, because you don't want to use the word balance. You don't want to be aware that you're basically on a seesaw at 30,000 feet. Yeah, yeah. So that's the thing, you sit here for trim. It's like we'd all know it. Yeah, yeah.

What I didn't want to say was, could the chunky monkey in seat 36 stay put, please? But apparently some guy at the back said, so if I go to the toilet during this, do we suddenly start heading? Oh, Frank. Yeah, it's... No, but I mean, because he moved to walk to the front of the plane. That's what I meant. Oh, I see. Oh, do you always have to take the...

Oh. What about when I was in Australia? Oh. And I really fancied this barman called Anton. I was on my gap year. Oh, yeah. And this isn't just a random story. It's related to words you don't understand

and uh this girl rather bitchy australian woman who's a bit jealous because i was getting on with anton yeah she said you do know anton is in a defective relationship and i didn't know what defective yeah i know that i know that oh and this was pre-google can i say i i i don't know what that means by a de facto relationship. Well, what did she mean? I thought it meant gay at first. Oh. But now I...

Does it? No. No, I thought it was... Isn't it just that it's broken down or something like that? Oh, I thought it meant it was... Well, I still don't know. Oh, my goodness. I mean, I found some.

I've got a boyfriend, actually. Mm-hmm. But had I... Had I not, I could have got together with Anton. If any of the readers know what de facto means, can they please tell us? Does it mean that it's authentic? As it's got the word fact in it, I'm trying to find the root. Sounds quite legal, doesn't it?

Well, someone will. Honestly, we'll have a reply certainly by the end. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've had an amazing text message response to what does de facto mean. I know we would. A lot. Thank you all. But perhaps the one that I shall choose is, I'm an Aussie and it means a couple living together for a period of time

but they are not married. Two years, I think. So that's what you were being told. So Anton was off the market anyway. Yeah. I mean, we've also had people explaining the Latin, like Latin expression meaning in fact but not always the case. Thanks, Stephen Fry.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so sort of in fact but not official, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. So what's ipso facto? That's... Yeah, yeah, I think so. So what's Ipso factor? That's... 8, 12, 15. Do you know it? I think that's in point of fact.

That's if you live in Ipswich. Yeah, exactly. I went the other way the other day with... Did you? Oh, well, we've all seen it coming. With an understanding of... Since you started acting. Yeah, exactly. It comes to us all, darling.

Darling. My friend was late, and I had texted that I was early, and said, oh, I'll see you in the bar. And he texted back late, and then texted again a minute later, saying, FUVE, F-U-V-E. And I was sat going, for you are very early, FUVE. And it just mistyped five. Oh.

Oh. But I was staring at him for absolutely ages. I think you should have held back on that. We should have had a text. Oh, what do you think? I'd have liked to have heard some of the explanations. There would have been some know-it-alls as well. Seems a bit mean. But yeah, I thought it was like Foo-boo or YOLO or all that stuff. It was none of the above. TBH. TBH. TBH is one, I thought it was like FUBU or YOLO or all that stuff. It was none of the above.

TBH. TBH is one, isn't it? Yeah, TBH, to be honest. Yeah. I only discovered that one. IMHO, in my humble opinion. Yeah. Not something you two would ever say.

AT, uh, ATGATT. I'm sorry to hear that. That's a motorbike one, All the gear, all the time. Oh. That's what they say. I thought that was the company Frank invested his money in. What about my hotel incident? I haven't told you about this.

M-H-I. What? My hotel incident. Excellent. I feel to say E. I can't say that on absolute. Chapter 17 of What We Believe. Can I tell you my story, please?

Please. I was staying in a hotel. I like it so far. I was with my boyfriend. You've got a boyfriend? Yes. He was shooting a movie. I can't say the movie.

Hold on a minute. You mean in the hotel room? I mean... Oh, God. Oh, I say! It's not been leaked out, has it? I can't say what movie it was. You'll get to hear about it.

Okay. You'll get to hear about nothing else. Hmm. He was shooting it in Wembley. Sadly, it wasn't Mystique. It was Wembley. Okay. But there you go.

It's not Roy the Rovers. I won't tell you anything else. Um, it was, it was fine, the hotel. You know, I've, I've had better, I've had worse. I'm sure you've had better. Yeah, I've definitely had better. So I arrive at the hotel with my bag. Mm-hmm.

And a rather, I'm going to call him Oliagenous, this character. Oh, my goodness. Who greets me. Was he, is that the Oli-merse? Oliagenous. I don't know what Oliagenous means. It means very oily. Oh, okay.

We're exclusively mad there. Oliagenous. It's only 28 minutes past 10. very oily. Oh, okay. We're exclusively mad at that. What oiliness? It's only 28 minutes past 10. Very oily. It's not that oily. Oh, I feel sick. Anyway, so he sort of almost greeted me when I arrived. That's nice.

And he said, can I help you with your bag? I said, I'm fine, actually. He went, no, no, I help you, I help you. I said, no, honestly, I'm fine. He went, ding, just press the lift. Grabbed the bag off me. At this point, I noticed a queue going round the block. There must have been, I would say, maybe 800 people.

I mean, it was going on and on. What? Yeah. And they all had little stickers on them. So we're going up in the lift. Are these the extras for the movie in your room? Well, I didn't know. He said, so, you're getting ready?

I said, I beg your pardon? You're getting ready to audition? Oh. I said, what audition are you in for The Voice? Oh. Brilliant. I said, I am not. Can you imagine how insulted I was?

Well, why? I did not look like a voice auditionee. I did not have a sob story and a guitar. Please. You didn't have your guitar? No. So I was in the way. So I said, I'm afraid I'm not auditioning. He said, why not? I would like to see you sing.

I think we're going to leave this there because I'd like to play some music. But I like this because there's romances in the air. Not with my boyfriend down the corridor. Oh, is he de facto yet? Also, I like the confused syntax. I'd like to see you sing. Which of course they don't do on The Voice.

The whole point about The Voice is you've got your chair turned round. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, I'm in the lift. I'm with the oleaginous man. Yeah. I'm going to see my boyfriend.

And he wants to see you sing. Not my boyfriend, the man. Yeah. The voice auditionees are downstairs queuing round the block. Okay. He thinks I'm one of them. my boyfriend and he wants to see you sing not my boyfriend the man yeah the voice is the voice auditionees are downstairs queuing around the block okay he thinks i'm one of them i've said i'm not not one of those losers he's i don't think they're losers they're just not me mathematically speaking many of them are inevitably they must be in a competition of that nature true he says i would like to see you sing i said i, I don't sing. Why not?

I said, I just don't. I was getting quite aggressive. I just don't, okay. I got to my floor, floor four. Not bad, mid-range. It pinged. I got out. I suddenly heard the strains of Mariah Carey were on the floor.

All the auditionees were there. I can see them. I thought you meant she was a guest. There's so many Matt Cardle hats, Merseyan hats. You wouldn't believe it there's guitars slung over their shoulder there's people warming up oh i loved it i loved it so i'm quite gripped and fascinated he's standing behind me says let me walk you to the room so what's my boyfriend gonna say so he followed me yeah it was getting a bit creepy. Really? I said, I'm fine now. Yeah, he followed me.

He said, what would you sing, though? Tell me, what would you sing? What can I say? Gold Digger is my karaoke song. Okay. Lovely. It's not lovely. I'm afraid it's not remotely lovely.

I learned to get completely drunk and think I will survive. He asked me if I'd changed my mind. I said no. Was he recommending making your mind up? I don't know what he was doing. He had an audition in mind, did he? Is that the idea? I think he just felt I should audition

and he wanted to watch me. I'm afraid I wasn't able to help him. But it did make me think, maybe I've missed the trick. He reminds me of me. You know, like when I told you I thought I could maybe have a shot at the 100 metres, I think it looks quite quick and easy.

Yeah. I think I could do quite well on something like The Voice. Mm-hmm. No, but I do. Okay. I think I could win. Well, in that case... Why have you both gone really quiet?

Well, no, I'm not saying you couldn't. I've never heard you sing in all the time I've known you. How weird. You must have heard me sing a million times. Yeah, so we know you're not going to win. I still got a chance. She zinged you.

Well, Emily will sing. We are going to have an on-air audition for Emily on The Voice. Okay? Looking forward to it frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio can we just say that emily dean is uh i'm gonna win the voice she's a very small she's a petite woman i would say so if anyone's thinking that the show is subscribing to the cliché that it isn't over till that is not what we're doing. Yeah, that's not true.

No, certainly. Okay, I'm going to do a burst of Gold Digger. Okay. The cleaned up version, obviously. Of course. Natch. Alan, give me a beat. I don't know whether or not to do that.

You sprung that on me. I just think that's what you're meant to say when you start singing. Okay. Come on. I don't want to or not to do that. You sprung that on me. I just think that's what you're meant to say when you start singing. Oh, OK. Right, I don't want to start beatboxing for you. Oh, Frank's sitting with his back to Emily Dean. OK, I'm going to start. Cue me in. And cue.

Two, three, four. She take my money when I'm in need. Yeah, she's a tripling, spending deed. Yeah, she's a tripling, bending deed. Oh, she's a gold digger, way over town. That digs on... She give me money, and I seen she a gold digger when I'm in need. But she ain't messing with no broke, broke. Frank, you've turned round.

Yes, because I realise it was more like X Factor when they show the people who you think, I don't know if they should be on television. They're not well, those people. What do you think? Was that you being a bit comical or was that your best voice? No, I think that's a good voice. No?

It's one of those headphones things, though, isn't it? It's like when people sing on the tube with their headphones on and you go, oh, that probably sounds great in their head, but the headphones are changing things. Okay. You weren't that impressed. I mean, don't let us stop you entering

the voice, but maybe a program with another title or anything that isn't that. Is that honestly your best advice for you messing it up. I think it's all right. Do you?

Okay. I think that's all right. Thank God we've shouted you down to all right at least. I had a real moment whilst watching that. You know the thing of

showing me... I've worked with David but doing it still made me shudder. You know the thing of show me the boy at seven and I'll show you the man. I saw then like a little

girl trying to show off to the group there it was really at least i didn't pull my dress up which is what i used to do no they'd be very frustrated that all their chairs turned around the wrong way and they found out that your dress is cool we've had a complaint from the webcam someone trying to watch the webcam anyway okay what was that no i can Oh, I can't find it now. I was too busy singing. Oh, here he is. He says... It's a shambles. He wasn't talking about my performance. No.

He says, I refer to the allocation of webcam coverage. Two views each of Alan and Frank, but nothing of Emily, save the occasional glimpse of an arm. Please rectify. Thanks, Mike Griffin. Well, we're not... This is in the absolute, we believe, what we believe. But we aren't allowed, because once I think we tampered, didn't we?

Yeah, we did. In the Gareth days, Gareth slightly moved the camera and there was a brouhaha. Oh, yeah, we don't like a brouhaha. No. That's a blues as well, isn't it? Oh, Frank, you know, we haven't discussed, what about your appearance on 15 to 1,

which I caught up with recently. Oh, OK. Did you see this, Le you see this i didn't see it no sorry i have to skype off these things i'm busy i should yeah well i was so proud of you i mean you can we do spoiler alert you came it's gone out yeah i came second uh dave gorman won but the good news is all the um yeah all are staying in our management pot so that's good well yes i mean it's a, I mean, in a way it was absolute themed. I know Dave's not on anymore, but he's got previous. But Frank was so brilliantly competitive, Alan. Really?

Yeah, you were, Frank. When you got that dog question. Such an attractive trait, isn't it? He got a question about a dog, and it was something like poodle or something. He went, come on! Oh, really? I'm afraid I did do one. You did?

I did a Stuart Pearce. I mean, I'm 15, on Celebrity 15 to 1. Answering a question about a dog. I was a bit embarrassed when I watched it. But Second's pretty good on that. You did really good. I mean, what's the chances of that? Can I say? About 15 to...

You answered a lot of questions as well compared to the others. Well, we'll come back to this. OK. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, talk us a bit more through 15 to 1, because I think you did very well. I mean, you were quite overexcited, I think, weren't you? Yes.

Well, I don't come second very often. No, I know. And I was sitting next to Hilary Devay. Standing? Well, I was standing, she was sitting. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because she's... Well, she might physically frail, though.

Yeah. Inside there is a raging beast. Oh, she's a bit Elizabeth I in that respect. I like Hilary Devay. She's a good laugh. But she... I don't know if I've... I don't think I've told this on the show,

but she... The show was being recorded. We were in... Adam Hills was talking to camera and I heard a voice say, Do you fancy doing a corporate? And... What, mid-show?

A corporate, in case you don't know, it's like a gig that you do for a company or something like that. And I said, what? Do you fancy doing a corporate in Paris? It'd be good money. And it was this show happening around us, and Hilary was hiring me. She produced a file effect out of her pocket.

Maybe out of one of the shoulders. Like, you know, the shoulder pads. She might just have a file effect out of a pocket maybe out of one of the shoulders like you know the shoulder pads i think that's brilliant to be offered work whilst you're doing work oh yeah work begets work i felt it was a bit i was i've never been the person who if there's anyone talking publicly you know some people if someone starts chatting to me, my heart starts stomping, because I think I'm being drawn into rudeness. Yeah, yeah. I just can't do it. I'm so obedient in these matters. So did you put it in, the corporate?

I think I suggested that you spoke to my manager. Yeah, yeah. I'll really do this through the professional channel. I'm surprised you didn't phone him, there and then. You're not going to nominate me, are you, Frank? I kept saying that. Is that what she said? Yeah. And I had to eventually.

Well, you did. I know. I was proud of you, though. But I did do... I did a joke that I once saw in a carry-on film. Oh, good. Because she had Hillary on a name badge on her

chest. And I actually did the what's the other one called. Oh you did. And I thought ideally it would have been tensing. But it didn't happen. But hey

15 to 1 15 hey, 15 to 1, 15 to 1, 15 to 1, 15 to 1. That's how it goes, isn't it? Are we all going to sing on today's show? Oh, I think I should. I think the cockerel should. What about Ilky Moore and Bart Epps? Anyway, look, you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.