The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - The Resurrection of the IEM

Episode Date: November 26, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun resurrect the show's evergreen, Idiotic Eureka Moments.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily Dean. Yes, her. And I'm with the cockerel. Thank you. Emily never got her little tune, did she? I got Yes, Her, and you got the special jingle. Well, you know, I like to mix and match. To little mix and match.

That's what I like to do. You can text us on 8-12-15 about anything. I mean, I'm talking about anything. Let me hear you say anything. Anything. Thanks. Frank, we've already had some texts and emails in. Well, what do you know?

On 8-12-15. This is a little callback to, do you remember IEM's Idiotic Eureka Moments? Ah, yes. I'd say that's Absolute Frank Skinner Show, whatever it's called. What's it called, this show? I don't know. Your manager's here. Ask him. Okay. What's it called, John? The Frank Skinner Show.

The Frank Skinner Show. That's what I like about him. Sharp as a tack. One of the evergreens of this show is the IEM, the Idiotic Eureka Moment. And for new listeners, I think there are, I've heard there was four in the last month. What it is, is when you suddenly realise a joke or a pun or something after many, many years. The example I always think of is that someone sent in and said they didn't realise that Sooty and Sweep was a sort of themed gag. A chimney thing.

A chimney-themed duo for many years. It came in from an idea from one of our listeners, the IEM, but I'm always looking out for them. I heard a cracker this week myself, but carry on. Did you? OK. Well, we'll get to yours, but we'll start with the listeners. Good. Because they pay our rent.

This is from Nugget. He says, morning, Mr... Nugget or Nougar? This is N the listeners. Good. Because they pay our rent. This is from Nugget. He says, morning, Mr... Nugget or Nougar? This is Nugget. OK. He says... That might be his prison name or something. There was a Nugget in Big Brother.

Do you remember? Or did you have to wear a hat? Yeah, there was. Morning, Mr Radio, Gemily and the Cockerel. It's taking off, that Mr Radio. It is. I just wanted to tell you about my idiotic eureka moment this week, in which I discovered that rather than being blonde, as I'd always assumed, You're taking off that, Mr Radio. It is. I just wanted to tell you about my idiotic eureka moment this week,

in which I discovered that rather than being blonde, as I'd always assumed, Ginger Rogers was in fact a redhead. Until this week, I'd only ever seen her in black and white films. And in my defence, she does look blonde, doesn't she? In black and white films, yes. Yeah. Yeah, but I see why Ginger would have completely thrown you. I saw a coloured plater for her in a coffee table book about stars of the past,

and there she was in all her ginger glory. How did I look in that book? Oh, lovely. Didn't we have another IEM? We have had another one in. We had one about the Czechoslovakian football team. We had an email in. I don't know what fell into place.

Dear Frank the Cockerel and the ever-lovely Emily. He said it, not me. This week I had an IEM, and thanks to listening to your show, I now know how to classify this. For some reason, I never realised that saying the Czechs are bouncing, as in referring to when people from the Czech Republic were happy at the World Cup or Wimbledon, etc., was a pun. I always thought it was just a national characteristic.

Yeah. What, like Tigger I think Tigger's from the Czech Republic originally. It also probably proves that this gentleman hasn't been in many financial problems if he doesn't know that the cheques are bouncing Cheques are disappearing aren't they? In every era they're bouncing cheques So it's a forgivable delayed

eureka moment that isn't it? But yeah, he's right. They do say that when they're doing well at football. They love that. I remember Kevin Keegan once commenting on a Euro championship game and the delight in his voice when he said, I think you could say that if they get knocked out of this, they won't Romania about Romania.

He was so pleased with himself. That was definitely his best ever comedy moment. Maybe falling off the bike on Superstars, but it's a close-on thing. They always used to say, if ever a team did well, they'd say, say if Huddersfield did well, I'm saying this because it's the Cockerels team, they'd say things like,

and they'll be dancing in the streets of Huddersfield tonight. And the best one I ever heard was someone said, they'll be dancing in the streets of Huddersfield tonight. And the best one of them I ever heard was someone said, they'll be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight. Which is the only ever, I think, British team that had a completely sponsor-led title. I'm glad they're back on the IEMs. I love them. I love an IEM. I mean, for many years, I didn't realise that Sean Hughes

was a pun about sheep. Oh, yeah. Sean Hughes. Yeah. I had no idea. It suddenly struck me one day. And I'd met him, and he never even, you know, dropped a hint. But this week, a woman, I was talking about IEMs,

and a woman said to me, a woman I work with called Claire, said, you know, that's funny, she said because it just struck me last week that the Beatles are spelt like that because of their sort of beat. Oh, like the Mersey beat. Yeah. Brilliant. See, the Beatles,

they still learn things about them. Well, there's a film called Arthur Christmas out and I thought, what does that mean? And I've only just realised, I think that's... Is it meant to sound like Father Christmas? If you say it in a certain way. Arthur Christmas.

Oh, I thought it was like Arthur Sixpence. I thought it was Arthur Christmas. Oh, maybe. Maybe you're right, though. I think I am, usually, yeah. We've got a text in from 670 who's saying, Oh my God, Sooty and and sweet, I never knew. Eureka.

That's great. See, you know, people don't say stuff like that anymore since the news of the world's gone. Anyway, if you've been a victim of any idiotic eureka moments, let us know. What about that? We've started like that. I've called a victim of any idiotic eureka moments, let us know. What about that? We've started like that. I've called a text in almost immediately.

I've just received some email, a subject line, fat women. So I'm going to read that and you two get on. Okay. Oh, dear. So you can text us on 8-12-15 and that's it. That's not it. Don't go away. Play some music.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. So I went to the, what's it called? The Indigo, is it? Oh, yes. At the O2 Centre. The O2, yeah. Yes.

That's the little one, isn't it? Yes, the one that is at the big O2. And at the big O2 was some indoor tennis tournament. Well, it would be indoor, I suppose. Yeah, massive big tennis tournament. And I was watching... The ATP, is it? I don't know.

OK. I'm not interested in all that nonsense. So I'm watching the fall in a small adjoining bar, basically. Fall, in case you don't know, are the greatest band ever. Although their singer, Marky smith doesn't like them being called a band no he likes them being called a group oh yeah he's very very very why doesn't that surprise me very touchy about that and the one thing when you go and see the fall is uh you never know quite what the support act's going to be because i think sometimes he

books support acts just to get on the crowd's nerves. And there's been a few down the years, I won't name them. But there was a real cool DJ when I got there. This guy just... Sort of a very young, thin, white guy. And he had his big cans on and he's doing all his stuff. And his girlfriend was in the wings there looking very lovingly and dancing along and some terrible people from the music business in baseball caps a man of about 50 in clothes of a 20 year old planet hollywood bomber jackets

i was i was finding very entertaining because i was blown out at the last minute so i was on my own oh but i was sitting down i was in the balcony so it's like being a calig out at the last minute. So I was on my own. Oh, fine. But I was sitting down. I was in the balcony. So it was like being Caligula at the Coliseum. And I think he went to the Coliseum. Oh, yeah, he loved the big fan. He loved musical Caligula. Anyway, so this guy was really doing it.

And I saw someone in the wings giving him the wind-up thing. Because where I was sitting, I could see straight into the... I was basically leaning on the speaker, which is why my right ear is still going... even now. I like that, though. Anyway, so he carried on playing, he was really in the zone, and then two of the Falls roadies came on stage,

and they just sort of went to either side of his table and just wheeled it off while he was still playing this poor chap it was so cool and um his manager tried to save it by coming out and saying this was he had like a trench coat on the manager and he came out and saying you're one of the hottest young djs as if it was a deliberate exit. And the poor guy, he was still doing his decks. It was like, you know, say if you see a young woman rushed into an operating theatre and her husband is still talking to her on the way in. It was like that.

He was walking at the side of the poor... Oh, man, it was one of the best things I've ever seen. And did Marky Smith, he likes to do the washing up or something, doesn't he? Well, he turns his back a lot, doesn't he? And he looks like he's doing the washing up. He's spinning with knobs. He sat down quite a lot. He had a chair at the back and he sits and reads his lyrics sometimes.

But also people throw a lot of stuff at fall gigs, which he never seems to mind. What sort of stuff? Well, they threw a newspaper on stage. So there was a newspaper, but sort of just bits of newspaper. It looked like a sort of 1980s student play about urban decay. I love that even the abuse is quite 80s, a newspaper. I haven't been to a fall gig.

That would make me think that they were saying, improvise a topical song for us, like it's a suggestion from the crowd. They also threw quite a lot of carrots. Yeah. Not complete carrots, but diced. Sliced M&S carrots. Yeah, sorts of carrots that you dip. Julianne carrots in a fall gig.

Yeah, that's what it was, Julian Carrots. Was there a massive vat of hummus behind them? If there was I didn't see it. I'd say at one point there was a newspaper and about eight carrot pieces on stage. Carrot pieces, not carapaces. They weren't throwing

the shells of tortoises off. That'd be horrible. But it was, they were brilliant absolutely brilliant they always are we've had a strange text in hi guys, yet again we seem to have only one webcam working

sort of disgruntled employee that'd be one of your fans if you care that much about the visuals we've also had a text saying it took me about 20 years To realise that only smarties have the answer Was a pun And I have just realised that as well

I don't get it Smarties Smarties Like smart people There you have live Three of the Aussie Eureka voters Three A treble Oh marvellous Kevin! There you have live three idiotic eureka moments. Three? Yes.

A treble. A treble? Oh, marvellous. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've been having some idiotic eureka moments in. We've just had one in discovering what the HP stood for on the sauce bottle, even though the answer stares at you from the label. It only took me 39 years to find out.

Oh, yes, Houses of Parliament. Yeah yeah i like that little insight into our demographic there as well with the 39 years people around the country going oh yeah the radio now i hope that's right we've had another text in uh pride always comes before the fall which is a rather fine pun oh yes on on the um on the cocky young dj. I don't know if he was that cocky. He just seemed very into it. But it's a great pun. I'm loving it. I was so excited about the fall.

I was saying earlier I went to see the fall at the O2. Fall at the O2. I'll never say that again in my life. Or that small place in there. And as I said, there was tennis on at the night. When I left there there all the tennis crowd were coming out and i thought oh god i hope anyone doesn't see me and think thinks i've been to the tennis in a list of things to be embarrassed about the idea that anyone thinks i go to indoor

tennis um indoor tennis surely should henry the eighth should have been in that tournament well exactly yeah he was the one who used to bang it up the walls and all. He's looking at me very He used to bang it up the walls? No, my ment is, I've played real tennis. Oh, don't. You're hanging out with Marky Smith too much.

So anyway, I was so euphoric after the gig, completely euphoric, that I got into You should have seen Marky Smith. Yeah, euphoric. That I got into... You should have seen Marky Smith. Yeah, euphoric. I knew him a ratio. I got into this car. Not any car.

I got into a cab. Although I will buy any car. And he had Smooth FM on. And I didn't object. I was in such a good mood. And what should come on but the Bangles doing Eternal Flame? Oh, I love that. So I started singing along.

I'm going to close your eyes, give me your hand, darling. And I said to the guy, come on, sing up. And he seemed genuinely disturbed. And I was really blasting it out and I kept saying, you know, here we go, on the chorus.

And he didn't speak to me again for the entire journey. Did he leave it on, though? He did call him darling. He was too frightened to switch it off. Awful if he just turned it to talk radio.

Oh, yeah, that would have been while I was mid. That bit that goes, when you think she's going to go, Anne Eternal, and eternal, and then she suddenly goes,

flame! I'd just gone for the high bit, and he'd turned it on to you. That's what I call a truck driver's gear change, that. Yes. That's not what you call a truck driver's gear change. Do you know, David Baddiel was a very fine rendition of that song on the piano.

We've had another idiotic Eureka moment, Frank. My Eureka moment was after watching Wacky Races as a child. I later found out why one of the races was called Pat Pending. That's Jeremy from Watford. Yes, and for those of you who don't get it, it's used to get things that said Pat Pending. It meant that the patent was still pending. It's an educational programme this morning.

Isn't it? In so many ways. Speaking of education... Yeah, oh. Ed Balls... I'm just marvelling at your link. Ed Balls cries at the Antiques Roadshow. Apparently so.

Yeah. And I can understand that. I often cry when I'm confronted by human greed. I don't think it is that he cries at the greed. It's the other way around for him, isn't it? When they're told, oh, this clock's worth £50,000 and they go, I'd never sell it. It was my grandad's.

That sets him off, apparently. But they never say that, do they? Sometimes. They only say I'd never sell it when they say it's worth £17. And I think it's not worth selling. They say it means more to me than money, which means, oh, no, that's not going to pay for the extension. No, that's not why you... The people who turn up for those things

would sell their granddad, never mind their granddad's watch. They're there thinking that they're going to have the £50,000 heirloom that's been knocking around the house that meant the world to their family, but they don't care as long as they can get the money. That's the kind of people that go to Antiques Roadshow. That makes me cry.

I'll go further. It makes me cry. I'll go further. It makes me vomit. The people that turn up, they all look a little bit like they'd be in the crime section of the Daily Mail, those people. Don't you think? Well, maybe. I don't know if I'm prepared to go along all the way with this.

Who else was there? Oh, I like the one, Rory Stewart. Do you know Rory Stewart? He's a Welsh Tory MP. Oh, I like the one, Rory Stewart. Do you know Rory Stewart? He's a Welsh Tory MP. Oh, they do exist. Yeah, he his thing that he cries at is anything where a dog dies.

Oh, really? That's what he said. Now, I don't know if he's seen it under the Baskervilles. But I was, I cheered when it finally went down. You see loads of films when it's great when a dog dies, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Fine. No, but when the Nazis turn up with their shepherd dogs

and the escaped prisoner has to shoot them down. You know. When the Nazis turn up with their shepherd dogs. That had to be done in my famous scene do you not know it yeah it's uh it's a strange list of things that make them well ed bald yeah he cries at um sound of music as well specifically when they sing the sound of music which made me doubt whether he'd seen it yeah he's seen what he's done he's seen that bit where they sing the sound of music you're gonna cry anything you're gonna to cry at anything, you're going to cry at Lonely Goat Herd.

Obviously. Well, I don't know. I think it's when the young boy is revealed as a Nazi. Because I hate it when you're going after someone and you suddenly discover they're a Nazi. Discover they're Nazis. Yeah, it's really... It's a real... How do I handle this?

You know what I mean? Suggesting it's a deal-breaker. Well, not necessarily. But, um... It could lead to awkwardness. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had another idiotic eureka moment in. They're pouring.

This is from David in Saffron Walden. He says, my recent IEM is Bill Haley and the Comets. Yes, well, that's an interesting one, because Bill Haley and the Comets, obviously some sort of pun on Haley's Comet, but Haley was called Hawley before that in England. Oh. And that was always his name.

And then after Bill Haley got so famous that young people started calling it Haley's Comet. Is that right? So the pond changed the pronunciation. That's another IEM for us, because I didn't know that. Yeah, but only in recent years. They've started calling him Hawley again. People have gone back to the thing.

They said, Bill Haley, rock and roll changed science, what about that? wow I feel a documentary coming on I feel one going away so we were talking about politicians and what makes them cry which has been a lot of talk

this week he did an interview in something called Total Politics magazine I didn't like the sound of that it sounded like some lads mag version of The Spectator A lot of talk this week. Ed Balls, he did an interview in something called Total Politics magazine. I didn't like the sound of that. It sounded like some lads mag version of The Spectator. Total Politics. Is that what five live people go to for their politics? I think so. It sounds like Total Politics to me.

Yeah, it's a euphemism. Yeah, it's Lord Archer said that they asked what made him cry. I know we're all waiting. But I don't think prison life was like that for him. What made him cry was, he said those adverts for Fairy Liquid where the little girl used to say to her mum, you know that thing, why are your hands so soft?

This was an advert that was on in the 1960s, which is presumably the last time Lord Archer cried. Which suggests that he's a bit of a hard character in some ways. Maybe. I had a bit of an Ed Balls moment. I bet it's not the last time

Lady Archer cried. Sorry, carry on. I was just saying I had a bit of an Ed Balls moment this week. I caught myself very close to having a little cry. Yeah, we broke an egg cup, but it was a novelty egg cup that has a face, and it's part of a family. Some of them are a little bit happy,

one of them just looks a bit wobbly and quizzical, and it fell onto the floor and smashed, and I think it was something to do with, A, the fact that it has a face and is a member of a family and B, I get a real joy from boiled eggs and soldiers I just find it very like

oh, boiled eggs! It's happy, isn't it? It's a happy food stuff isn't it? You're both looking at me like I'm slightly simple now I think Emily lived on boiled eggs and soldiers for many years. I think everyone's cheered up by boiled eggs and soldiers. Even Hitler would have been happier after a boiled egg.

Sadly, he focused more on the soldiers than the eggs. He did. But it made me think, because it had a face, in which case would I be upset if a Henry Hoover suddenly broke or something? Well, I've said I remember pointing out on Boss Cox once that if I see a Henry in a skip, I find it upsetting. Yeah.

It looks like it's struggling to get out. Lovely. It's so chirpy, a Henry Hoover. You were quite happy about it, weren't you? I am. I remember I cried at the inside out baboon in the Fly movie. You remember they tried to transport the baboon through the special machine and it came out Inside Out.

Yeah. Did that upset you? It did, yeah. I can't look at any kind of ape Inside Out. Oh, that's okay. That won't be a daily problem for you then. I have often thought it would be a great name for a pub, though, the Inside Out Baboo.

Frank, I cry sometimes at the theme tune to Home and Away, particularly the bit where they say, I've never felt such emotion. I actually get a lump in my throat. Really? I'm going to get a bit now, yeah. Oh. It makes me really sad. What does that, what's the rhyme with that?

I've never felt such emotion. And from the very first moment I met you, I never felt such emotion. Does it? There is a rhyme. I'm walking on air just to know you are there. Everybody, hold me in your arms. Yes, it is. I'm feeling emotional just thinking about it.

I used to like... Who was the girl in it? The tomboy one in the early days. Do you remember her? She was very young. Very solid. Bobby, thank you, Emma, our producer. She often prompts me on Australian soap conversations.

Yeah, Bobby, I used to like her. I like her little tomboy type. Yeah, Jimmy Cranky. I love her. Time. Yeah. Yeah. Jimmy Cranky.

Another. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Cast, Gary Newman.

Oh, my girlfriend loves him. Whereas I love Gary Newbon. And that's the difference between us. What else? We've had some texts and emails in, Frank. We were talking about odd things that made people cry and idiotic eureka moments. Ben says,

the Hulk theme music used to make me cry. Watching it now in Oz, you can see the programme is just Murder, She Wrote with a green muscle man. I don't remember the whole theme music. Oh, it was so sad. I never use the phrase ever so, but I'm going to say it's ever so sad.

Does it go... No! Because that always makes me cry, I must say. Yeah. We've had another text in from... So she's called herself Nick Wood. I don't know if that's a Jed Wood thing going on. It's a little curious.

Oh, maybe. Nick Wood apparently used to think that... Well, thanks for the tip. Oh, that's pleased me immensely. When you used to go to the shop and you'd ask for... They'd offer you cash back. She thought that was just money they were giving you. Oh, really? Yeah. At the time, she turned to the shop and you'd ask for it they'd offer you cash back she thought that was just money they were giving you she said yeah at the time she turned to her boyfriend and said how much shall i take thinking she'd won a prize of some sort oh what a terrible disappointment but

i think it shows nick wood in a very good light that she asked for 30 pounds she obviously settled on an amount that yeah no not at all great difference split the difference see whenever they say to me do you want cash back always think, what do you mean by that? Do I look down at heel? Speaking of heels and other joints of the body, I've just learnt, and I learnt so much on this show, that Linda Lussardi doesn't like her knees. Look, I remember reading an interview with her some years ago,

and that's exactly what she said, don't like my knees. It's always the way, isn't it, with the great beauties. There's always something that they don't like. But she was hot, hot, hot. Linda Lusani. Oh. I know actually that was Vinda Lusani. Oh, God.

Yeah, I got completely confused by that. Well, I love their knees. Oh, I'll say it again. Oh, God. What else? Well, Frank, I've been partying this week. Like it's 1999, or...?

No, that was a different kind of party I had back then. Yeah. Let's not talk about that as well. No, let's not talk about the lost years. I've calmed down a bit these days. But it was an in-style bash, because obviously when I'm not here, I am working for Clashin' Magazine in style.

Don't say working for. You're the deputy editor. Yeah. Don't get modest now at this late stage. It was a very good party, Frank. It was in London's Glittering London. Nice. I'm imagining the pressure to dress well for that party must be a nightmare.

Thank goodness I know designers who are willing to lend for the night. Do they lend? Yes, they do. Right. You call it in. And I had some shoes as well, fabulous shoes. But I'd just... I'd had my hair done, and then about seven hours later, I'm on my way to the venue.

It was in a hotel, actually, and I had a suite to get ready. Wow. The makeup artist from Yves Saint Laurent, Thierry, is on his way. Oh, Thierry. Yeah, Thierry. Just...

Why are you watching the sound of music? It was a little bit Thierry, after watching that. So I've got all my bag and my suit bag. You carry it in a big suit bag and my shoes. Go to check on my items. One of my shoes is missing. Oh, no.

Oh, it was awful. Oh, God, it was like that party I went to at Paul McCartney's. So what do you do at the 11th hour? Well, I panicked. Oh, did shoe miss in 11th hour? It's not a fairy tale, right? The whole of London was out looking for that shoe. I had someone from my hairdressers,

they were scouring the streets on their hands and knees, hunting for that shoe. The car driver had to pull over, check in his boot. Eventually, I'd left it at the office. So, it was fine, it was couriered over to me. Of course it was. The best thing ever. They had to take that blood off the motorbike

and put Emily's shoe on instead. What about this kidney? I'll just leave it there. Leave it in the gutter, next to that baby's napkin. Frank! Guess what, though, Frank, the best news of all. I met a new best friend. Oh, good. Darius off of Pop Idol, remember him?

Oh, Darius. Remember Darius? Oh, I love Darius. Danish? He's absolutely... No, it's Campbell now, he's changed his name. He's charming. Did you get married? And it turns out, we've been in contact,

it turns out he's a big fan of yours, Frank. Is he? He described you as a comedy god. I loved it. I always loved him. Well, that's good because he's invited us to Chicago. He's in Chicago? Sorry, I can't travel. I can't travel at the drop of a hat. No, really? I've not brought a passport.

Nothing. Oh, I love Chicago. I've seen it several times. Oh, we're going to, no, we're going to go and see Darius. Oh, that'd be great. He's got one of my favourite ever, um, Wikipedia openings. I see. What does it say? It says, um, Darius,

uh, Darius Campbell, as it is now. Darius Campbell, um, the child of an Iranian father, Dr. Boo Darnesh, who is colourblind, and a Scottish mother, Dr. Avril Campbell. Never ever refers again to the colourblindness. Now, who just gets a casual? His father's a doctor, who is colourblind, blah, blah, blah.

So, I don't know, what's the story with Darius's dad and the colourblindness? I think I know the story. Do you? I'll tell you in the break. Is it controversial? No. No, Darius had a single out called colour blind. Oh.

So it was about his dad's colour blindness? I don't know. I didn't know that, but he did have a single out called colour blind. Well, it's awful. I wish now I'd have clicked on the link, colour blind. I assumed it would just tell me what colourblindness was, which, you know, in many ways I know. But you're colourblind, aren't you?

I'm colourblind, but I don't believe it's mentioned on my Wikipedia page. Well, get with it. Not that I've checked. Get with it. Well, go on, add a third sentence on your Wikipedia page. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had a text in. Oh, you sound very echoey.

Yes, I do, don't I? That was a weird moment. It was a little whistle, wasn't it? I felt like I was trapped down a well and Emily was calling down help. Do you know what happened? I think, I'm going to say it, I think Sarah the Poisoner did open the door. Oh. Yes. It's like when people have phone-ins and they say,

have you got your radio on in the room? Turn it down, mate. Yes. It's like when people have phone-ins and they say, have you got your radio on in the room? Turn it down, mate. Yeah. We had a turn it down, mate. Like James Whale or something. Anyway, Frank, do you remember earlier on in the show, I said that I'd had a text in and the subject line was fat women, which alarmed me, somewhat.

It turned out to be from Amanda Taunton. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I've just heard on the Absolute News that Britain has the fattest women. Thank God I live in Australia. And by the way, just finished off the bread and butter pudding. So there was actually some headline today. Did you guys see that? Yeah.

And we're fat, apparently. There's an obesity crisis amongst British females. Yeah, I didn't need to read that in the paper. I just walked down the high street. It's like, it's a knockout out there, isn't it? Blimey! He's straight in the cockerel. All I care about He doth crow.

All I care about is that he said, out there. That's all I care about. Oh, that's true. That's true I care about. Oh, that's true. That's true. Absolutely. Well, I don't know. Is it true? But you say that.

But what about WFW has been in the news? Who's that, Frank? That's the world's fattest woman. Good boy. I thought that was that De Klerk guy. Yes, but this is quite a happy story. Is she in any way tied in with BFM? There's a regular character on this show. I sincerely hope not.

Britain's fattest man. Who's Britain's fattest man, we should explain. No, but he no longer... Alex... He should have his own radio station. Just call BFM. For Britain's fattest man. He'd be all right as well. You could just wheel him from microphone to microphone.

Carry on. She's Pauline Potter. BFM is Paul Mason, or Paul Masson, as I like to call him. OK. Pauline Potter weighs... That's the right name for the world's fattest woman, isn't it? Pauline Potter. It just sounds right.

She can't even potter. She can't get out of bed anymore. Can't potter about? Oh, yeah, that's good. I don't feel that sorry for her because this was a target of her I believe she's 50 stone 52 and she did that, she took that on herself

well apparently her relationship's back on track her ex-husband says he can't resist her now he says she's dynamite in bed I don't know if she's dynamite in bed well i don't know if she's dynamite more like napalm he said i'm desperate to be her lover and caretaker again which i think is quite strange romantic does he get one of those brown overalls oh dear my dad was a school caretaker. We couldn't move for I sell toilet paper and Ajax in our house.

And neither can her ex-husband. No, I shouldn't think so. Apparently, one of her legs weighs more than he does. Yeah. How did they... If he were made of gold. How well do you know someone where you can say, I'll tell you what, shall we...

Pauline, what about we weigh one of your legs tonight she was all right with that what about what about one of your upper arms come on get that on hold on let's get a pen and paper we'll do you in sections and then we'll add it up and see if they come to 52 stone what if they don't that'll be bizarre that's the kind of fun they have at home he's 11 stone the husband yeah he's 11 and she's 52 i want does he call her his other half or does he call her his other five six there's a picture of her in the daily mail sitting on the sofa where must say, she looks more like the sofa than the sofa. She does. It looks like a sofa on a sofa, like some terrible courts advert that's become superimposed on a previous one.

The other picture of them where they're on their wedding day, he looks like he's on the kick. She is the kick. I bet she was on the kick. I don't understand the geography of her body. Oh bet she was on the cake. I don't understand the geography of her body. Oh, no. No, but there's strange... That's a beautiful opening line for a poem, isn't it?

It's one of Shakespeare's sonnets, I believe. But you see, if she does lose the weight, she is going to lose it, she says, eventually. But it's said that she deliberately set out to become the world's fattest woman, so, you know. She said she wanted to publicly humiliate herself. She didn't need to put on weight to do that. No. But she wanted set out to become the world's fattest woman, so, you know. She said she wanted to publicly humiliate herself. She didn't need to put on weight to do that. No.

But she wanted to publicly... She could have gone on mastermind. Exactly. Oh, no. But, Frank, BFM is also in the news as well. BFM, he's quite an angry man, Paul Mason. He's angry because, basically, he wants the National Health to pay for it. You know, he's got a lot of excess flesh.

Well, he's lost weight, hasn't he? Didn't he lose 40 stone? Yes, he has, yeah. The baggy jumper. They're left with the baggy jumper, aren't they? The physical. You can't lose 40 stone. It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, it's carelessness, isn't it? I think Oscar Wilde said. I don't get it. I blame the Guinness Book of Records for all of this. Do you? I do, totally. The Guinness Book of Records tempts people to get fat and do things like eat 20 pork pies

in a minute and grow their fingernails to... It's just... It's like some mischievous god making fools of the people below. I hate the Guinness Book of Records. I'm going to start burning them in the street like what the Nazis used to. They didn't burn the Guinness Book of Records. They were fine with that, apparently.

Well, they would be, wouldn't they? They're all in it together. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Alan Watson. With Alan Cochran. I don't think of you With Alan Cochran. I don't think of you as Alan Cochran anymore. That's that moment when a nickname completely takes over. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Frank, we had a tweet during the week. Did we? Have we even got a Twitter? Yes, we have. Yeah, we have. I think it's Frank on Absolute, isn't it? Is it? People always ask if you're going to join. Emily's got her own. I've got my own. got a twitter oh yes we have yeah we have i think it's frank on absolute isn't it is he people always

ask if you're going to join mine he's got her own i've got my own people always say it's frank going on my twitter stream is just no no he's not interested no he doesn't like it no no fair enough um it's a fair summary yeah makes a change for me to say that word as well um so this was from pines and needles oh i know i know pines and needlesles. Oh, I know Pines and Needles. Oh, OK. Well, they've said the living legend, that is Mr Frank Skinner, has just got a tree from our Battersea Park store. Send us a pic, Frank.

Brilliant. Comedy god, living legend. Yeah. Good day for you this morning. Oh, man, I tell you, they're rolling in. A bit like Russell Grant. Did you see Russell Grant's performance? It began with him being fired out of a cannon. I heard about this.

Not really. But I really thought, when they saw him in the cannon, I thought, it'd be great if they just fire him into the air at Wembley Arena. He just lands on a concrete floor 60 feet away. And then they just get someone else comes on and dances. They just don't mention it anymore.

But it didn't happen. He just popped out the cannon and danced. Can I say the cannon was not an Anglican churchman? It was a piece of weaponry. I'd like to go back to the living legend wandering round Battersea. You don't get many of those around there. No, well, my girlfriend had this theory

that if you get a Christmas tree really early, it works out cheaper because you get more days out of it. Right. I like the logic. I know you'd like it. Right. Yeah. I like the logic. Yeah, I know you'd like it. I think you'd get yours in April. But so we went and got this train. She went for the seven-footer.

No way. Oh. When the man delivered it, he had to chop the very top off with his secateurs. Chop the top off? He was scratching the, yeah, do you remember chop the top off? The gymnast. All right. Yeah. Seven foot, Frank. secateurs. Chop a top off? He was scratching the, yeah, do you remember Chop a Top Off? The gymnast. Yeah, um, yeah,

so it's... Second foot, Frank. And also, he said to me, you need to water it every four to five days. I said, I'm sorry. A Christmas tree? And yeah, I have to water it. Yeah, and they're last in the wild, don't they? Nobody's going out looking after them, are they? No, but they get rained. It rarely rains in my apartment.

But I always think of a Christmas tree as like cut flowers. It's a kind of a one-night stand. I don't like the commitment of a pot plant. Do you? You don't have a pot plant in the whole apartment? I don't. I won't have a pot plant in the house. But no, I've got a pot plant, basically,

because I have to water the Christmas tree. Now it's been lopped off, what sort of height are we? A sort of Greg Davis height? Yeah, well, it's... to water the Christmas tree. Now it's been lopped off, what sort of height are we, a sort of Greg Davis height? Yeah, well it's Yeah, he's about 6'8". He's 6'8", Greg Davis. Lovely. They chopped the top off rather than the bit off the bottom.

Surely you want the top for a fair. They chopped a bit off the bottom as well. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, tell me about it. Yeah. No, will you actually tell me about it? No, it was... And what are you going for decor-wise, Frank? Because, you know, black ribbons are very in with the fashion.

Black ribbons on a Christmas tree? It's all a bit five-minute silence at a football match. It is. What, at the end of it, do I go... LAUGHTER Five-minute silence. I don't wish to know. Have you been to the Alby? No, I don't like a living thing in that. I mean, cut flowers, they're already dead, and the Christmas trees.

That's why I won't have a pot plant. Really? And now I feel like I've got the responsibility of looking after this tree. To me, if you take a plant that's living into your home, it's like you've captured it and you have you've imprisoned it indoors where it doesn't want to be to me it's no worse than having a or no better than having a flamingo in the in the flat for example oh our house is awash with flamingos and pot plants so we're gonna have to agree to disagree keep the flamingos in case a coin rolls onto the sofa

you can't get at it. Yeah, so anyway, I mean, it is a beauty, but at the moment, Kath has spent... It's been here a week. Kath hasn't dressed it yet. So it's just a big tree in the corner. Right. It is literally like you've bought a poplar. That's not Christmassy, is it? And then at work, because I work in an office, somebody said, why don't you get a pop-up tree?

That's what they do at Sainsbury's. So I thought, that sounds brilliant, a pop-up tree. And I imagine it would be like one of those top hats where you just hit it, and it's there. It doesn't pop up at all. That could be dangerous. I imagine somebody saying, oh, look at this, what's this lovely present? Whoa!

Straight through the chest. And their heart hanging where an angel would have been. Maybe the pulmonary artery and the aorta on the branches below. In a tinsel formation. But in fact, it's just like a flat, it's like a cow pat, is what it's like. And you have to take the middle of it. If you can imagine a cow pat with a hardened,

pointy bit in the middle, which they may well have, come to think of it, formed by closure. Oh, right. And you pick it up like that, so it doesn't pop at all. There's no popping mechanism. So it's not just a fake tree, it's not just a word for a plastic Christmas tree. No, a pop-up tree, I thought it would pop up, but it lies flat.

You know when you get those lampshades that lie flat and then you pull them up and they're like a lantern thing? Yeah, yeah. It's like that. We've got one of those, yeah. You've got one of those as well? We've got one of those, yeah. You're a house. Thanks to the flamingo.

It's like one of these houses of the future you live in, like George Best used to have. Did he? Oh, he had a house of the future. He told me once, George Best, that he got in one night and he could hear the dog barking furiously. And what happened was that the window shutters were going up and down of their own accord and his big guard dog was under the table yoking with terror. with terror. Little moment from the life of George Best there. Ian Wright, I heard from the news, thinks West Bromwich Albion will lose today.

Ian Wright. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. 760 has texted in saying you could get a Lego tree like they have at St Pancras Station. That sounds great. I's 7-6. I was texted in saying you could get a Lego tree like they have at St Pancras Station. That sounds great. I haven't seen that. I like the idea of that.

I like the idea that people will be standing looking and thinking, is that real or plastic? But it's Lego. It's a Lego everything, though. Yeah, there is. There really is. I don't know if you saw this this week, Frank. There's a story that Joey Barton has said that he may quit football

to become a Catholic priest, amongst other things. That's very up your straws, that story. He's got everything. Football, Catholicism. Joey Barton, in case you don't know, he's a sort of bad boy footballer, isn't he? But who's suddenly become incredibly witty and articulate. He does funny tweets. He's going to be a priest. He likes to pop a bit of philosophy onto Twitter there, I believe.

I was worried what you were going to... I thought that was going to be a scandal. He met Morrissey at Glastonbury. Yes, and I liked... He was insulting some of the members of the Only Wears Essex in a quite poetic way. He said, you have teeth like a burnt-down fence, and I liked, he was insulting some of the members of The Only Wears Essex in a quite poetic way. He said, you have teeth like a burnt down fence, which I thought was brilliant. I think he was being what they call online a wum, wasn't he? A wind-up merchant.

Is that what he was being, yeah? I think that's what he was being, yeah. Teeth like a burnt down fence. I miss the Queen Mother. But anyway, yeah, there was a very weird chat. I'm starting to think the real Joey Barton's in a cupboard somewhere with his hands tied and tape over his mouth going and this guy has taken

over, this great, this Oscar Wilde type figure has taken over but it does make me wonder what people could do after football I sort of feel sorry for them, it's good now that they get all that money while they're playing so that when they do quit they can do something else. But in the old days they used to just buy a pub, didn't they? Always.

No, they used to run a pub. Now, there was a little window where they had to do jobs and punditry and whatever. Now, I mean, some of the players... Ernie Harnty used to play for Coventry City, I believe, ended up selling ice cream off a pushbike. Is that true?

Tricky. They always used to have, in football programmes, they'd have questionnaires with the players and it would always be, what would you be if you hadn't become a footballer? And they always, always said an electrician. Always. They always had the same

answers. Biggest influence on Korea? My dad. Favourite food, steak. Favourite book, John Fowles, The Magus. I made that last one up. I didn't think that, yeah. The rest was all... I think it'd be an Andy McNabb, I think, would be fave book.

Would know, yeah. I think Andy McNabb was still in The Cadets at that time. Isn't there a thing in... There's a really good book about Brian Clough called Provided You Don't Kiss Me, and there's a bit in it where he says that back in the day, Stuart Pearce advertised as an electrician in the programme. Really? Yeah, which the idea now that you could get a professional footballer to come out,

just change a couple of plugs for me and a bit of rewiring and then back to training for you. I don't want to get too football heavy on here, but we had a player called Willie Johnson at West Brom who was taking a corner, got into a conversation with someone in the crowd and ended up selling him his shed.

That is great. Yeah, that's a true story. That's like kickabout on a park territory where people forget to take a corner because they're having a chat. The barriers weren't so big in those days. Yeah, it was lovely. They also said in the Daily Star this week that Joey Barton has taken to wearing what they call harry potter type glasses

harry potter type spectacles they say because i remember thinking i saw a picture of him in spectacles not there but they're not at all harry potterish they're just spectacles but i imagine the daily star thought i don't know if our readers will know what spectacles are. So we'll have to give them some sort of popular... So they can think, oh, I know, those round things on the boy wizard. Joey Barton says he's looked into the void and that's when he decided he'll give this game up. Oh, the football game. I don't think you should look into the void.

No. I should say that the void is a gay club in West London. I think it's all right, but, you know, some people, they just don't want to live and let live. Frank, Frank, Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So if Joey Barton's going to end up being a Catholic priest,

he also said in there that he was going to be a financial advisor. I love the idea of footballers getting different jobs. Perhaps Carlos Tevez could be a tramp just refusing to get off the bench and muttering that he misses his family. That's very tramp-like behaviour, isn't it? Yes, he's got various tramp-like features as well, really. I had a touch of show business this week. It's not just Emily that's met Darius, Frank.

I worked with Stavros Flatley earlier this week, who I know you know. Surely you know his work. I'm sure our listeners know Stavros Flatley as the father-son dance team from Rick's Got Talent. Can I just say they don't compare Darius, who is a consummate professional, to that end-of-peer lot who eat carbs.

I'm sorry. That's a bit harsh. They were a heartwarming. We were talking earlier about things that made you cry. I mean, the lovely father-son relationship staff, Ross Flatley, would have brought a tear to anyone's eye. I mean, I didn't know him before I worked with him. I had to Google him.

I've worked with him, I think, three times, actually. Really? We've crossed paths at various events. Has he got any insights on the Greek economic crash? He didn't mention that. But he did say a thing that I really loved. Because I'm not one of these, I'm not snobby about their place in the show business world.

I think they're in the perfect place in the show business world. They're the in-demand novelty acts, which is great. There's almost no responsibility. They don't have to read the paper. They don't have to do anything. They just turn up, dance about with his belly out. He's very, very comfortable with his shirt off,

that man, by the way. Well, the dad. Yeah. Oh, I've had three conversations with him and not once has he had a T-shirt on so far. Never. Even backstage, he's never got a shirt on. Great, really comfortable, but I really like him.

But he told me a great thing saying, oh, we just thought it was a bit of a laugh, we just went along. And he went, I just signed everything. He said, everything that they put in front of me I signed. He said, I couldn't tell you anything that I've signed, but I could tell you what was to eat at every buffet, at every meeting. I love that. I love the fact that he got sidetracked by food at the buffet.

He sounds like a... We tried to... I did a show in the West End called The Credit Crunch Cabaret, you might recall. I both appeared at it and recall it. And we tried to book that dog act on oh yes not that there was the original dog act i remember a name there but there was there was a later one where he he was like a pagan god the later dog it wasn't that one remember he was he was he got up and he put his hand on the woman's shoulder and suddenly it looked like he was controlling the act

and that she was the stooge. It was terrifying. But this was the one where the dog used to go in and out of, like, a piling fence on stage. And we couldn't sort the money with her. Oh, no! She's asking a bit over the odds. So, where is she now?

That's what I'd like to know. Barking mad. Yeah. So, she never did the gig, which is... That's a pity. Which was a blare it was. Could have turned it round for both of us, I always thought. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, one of your favourite people has been making the news this week.

The Archbishop of Canterbury. No, not the AC. This is your favourite singer. And if you'd have gone down to Leicester Square tube station recently, you'd have spotted Katherine Jenkins. Yes. Marky Smith. No.

She might well have done. She hasn't been to bed. But in a different context yes she did undercover a spot of undercover busking she put her had a brown wig on and a holy jumper well it was actually quite a smart jumper i think with the artful distress and she um she said it was the only time she'd ever sung in flats before i've sung in flats all over England. It's interesting. When I sing, when I do the high notes, I go up onto my tiptoes. So she's, you know, she's already halfway there in her high heels.

No wonder it's easy for her. Yeah, that's why she's had an operatic career that doesn't involve having ever been in an opera. He's off. You sound like that's a no well i i'm what i i find her terrifying i don't know what it is i've spoken of this before on here i mean it said in this thing that he said commuters were moved to tears that would have been the smell of sulfur because i honestly believe she's a handmaiden of beelzebub there's something you know you know in your sense, profound evil in a person. And I don't know what it is with her.

I can't work it out. She seems to be, you know, she's sort of, you know, attractive and she's talented. She looks good with a brown wig on. And I never thought I'd say that. That's a weird thing to say about someone. But she looks all right in a brown wig. Sure, they know how to lure you in. Don't worry about that.

She raised a cool £16. That's how the son put it anyway. Does it say how long she was there for? No, I don't know. What did she raise it for? I don't know if it was for charity. Wouldn't it be fantastic if the Inland Revenue were reading this article and then suddenly

ordered her to see if she was doing Always with the financial. I love it. She probably just had to buy a goat's head for some sort of ceremony and found herself

a bit short on change and improvised. She was Saul's instrument as well and I like a bit of woodwind. In Busker? Yeah. In a busker. I like a bit of woodwind. In Bosca? Yeah. In a Bosca, you like?

I like woodwind or strings. Yes. My favourite ever Bosca was a bloke who used to sit... I think I'm going to demonstrate it, because I have a prop with me. He used to sit near the boring, and he was an older guy, looked like he might have, shall I say, like a drink. He liked to drink

so much he decided to live on pavements for practical purposes. And he used to have a mouth organ just in his mouth. I never saw him handle it ever. And this was him busking. Just breathing. saw him handle it ever and he's this was him this was embossing just breathing

but for all day it's one of the few buskers i ever gave money to ever it was like the music of the spheres as you say it was just the sound of life. Of human life being passed through reeds. It was marvellous. When I see these ones that are high for looting now, I think, yeah, okay, they're clever and they've learnt now, but they'll

never move me like that guy did with the mouth organ. I don't know what happened to him. I imagine he got drunk and had to have a big pin through his head to hold his face on. Lovely! Anyway.

Have a great day, everyone. Have a great weekend. He might be listening, who knows, if he can hear me over the top of... Um... Not the Weekend podcast is available from Wednesday. That's us talking. And so that'll be good. Sarah Champion is next.

And if the good Lord's willing and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back this time next week. It was lovely. Absol-ra a bit. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.