The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Throw Outs

Episode Date: May 12, 2012

Frank is joined by Emily and Alun! They discuss throw outs, Alun's reading list and Cowell vs. Clarkson.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

How are things in Glocamora? That wasn't a rhetorical question. If there's anyone listening in Glocamora, I genuinely want to know how things are today. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio That was Oh Innocence A-U-X

You know that French word Fancy dress Orcs Like orcs Like an orcs lead You've broken the golden rule of talking about the records Oh yeah

I can't believe it You just said not to as well I just said before this Don't talk about that because we get repeated on the other channels, and it confuses people, because we'll be following other songs. And Alan Cochran, who sits at my left hand, has completely ignored that.

It's a bad start, that's for sure. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, those two characters. I didn't talk about the record. No, you see, you've talked about it now. Of course, the bloke who has to edit this so that it can be repeated in an hour

is having a mare. Just leave it all in. Is he having a Flanders mare? Google it. A Flanders mare. I'm imagining a large horse. No. No, I didn't say it was anything to do with that.

I just can't imagine a large horse. He often is. Yeah, I find it's good to have something else to think about during the show. Today, I've gone equine and big. And they're showing those things on the telly, close-ups of that thing. How many times have I told you, you can't just sit here watching the telly. We're doing a radio show. we start again hello this is frank's grand absolute radio and um well that's good i asked earlier how are things in glockomora and i still haven't heard

anything well they'll text in will they yes how many listeners do we have in glockomora yeah 8 12 15 if you if because i've heard that so many times my dad used to sing do we have in Glockamora? Yeah, 8, 12, 15. Because I've heard that song many times. My dad used to sing, How are things in Glockamora? And I've no idea how things are there. Not a clue. They could be in Boom, they could be in Bust. We're unaware, aren't we?

Yeah, I don't know what the architecture's like. Weather? I don't know any of the local sites. Yeah. Are there any famous people from Glockenmoor? Who can say? Well, I don't completely know where it is. No. I'm thinking Ireland.

That's about it. Oh, I thought it sounded very Scottish. Yeah, me too. Did you? Oh dear, I assumed it was Ireland. I don't think my dad ever did Scottish songs. I always think Ori is Scottish and Alan is Irish. I think it's the Mull of Kintyre.

I wonder how the Mull of Kintyre is. He never sang that. I would love to have heard my dad suddenly go, Far have I travelled. Anyway, look, this is not... Already I feel we've lost 70% of our listeners. People who listen on the radio, you know, their fingers are never very far from the dial.

No. I don't agree. They'll be busy. They'll be doing stuff, you know. You get them ready... They won't be doing it. Our listeners... They'll be pottering around the kitchen. They won't. Our average listener is a 38-year-old male in a black tour T-shirt. And Dunlop trainers.

He's not... They don't potter. No. They slide. They have little ladies pottering for them. They don't have that. They're in bedsits. What's more, they're in bed at this stage. They're not potter. They don't potter, these people.

Well, when they get to the stage of life where they're pottering, they're going to love it, aren't they? They're looking across the bed, sitting out their jeans on the floor. And probably all the change out of the pockets just spilled out. Yeah, cams and stuff, thinking, oh, that's what they're thinking. So, you know, that's what I always like about the show. We just basically do what we like. Too hungover to reach the dial.

And the remote is in a pool of sick. I only told you that. Anyway, so I went, I guess, guess what? What, Frank? I had, I experienced for the first time in my life this week, a cinema throwout. What? Do you know what a throw-out is? No, funnily enough. Is this someone being ejected

from a cinema? Oh, no, no, that wouldn't be the first time I was thrown out of Return of a Man Called Horse for fighting. Where are you from? Fighting. I was, yeah. I was thrown out of my school chess club for fighting, but this sounds like a story.

The man called Hall. Out of a chess... Wow, what kind of a fight was that? Well, it was just a fight broke out. I think I know this about you. I think you might have boasted about this before. Was it a free-form fight, or did you have to follow a diagonal? Yeah, it was just...

And the person could only go to the square either side of you. Yeah, the... It's difficult. The bloke that was attacking me was Fox by my Sicilian defence. There we go. Chucking a chest. Why not? Sicilian defence.

All together now. That's why I've been so good at international chess. Because as soon as they played the Sicilian defence, I'd go... And basically make them an offer they couldn't refuse. Anyway, a throw-out is when you're in an audience and someone on stage throws out free stuff. Oh, right, like a giveaway. Like a nothing. I tend to be handed gifts in the traditional fashion

when I go to events. You can't do that with a crowd. Did the film you go and see take place in, like, a Radio 1 roadshow in about 1988 or something? Yeah. It's like a T-shirt cannon, that sort of thing. It did. It was Karate Kid.

It's a special screening hosted by David D.D. Hamilton. Not really. At Bournemouth. No, it wasn't. Of course it wasn't, you fool. Such gullibility. Gullibility. You've done a lot of singing today.

I have too much singing, probably. I'm just going to get rid of that last 30% that's hanging on. So, oh, I'll tell you in a minute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I went to the cinema. Yeah. And a man came out at the beginning and said,

right, we're going to have a throwout. And he had quite a lot of merch. I like the way that you think this is totally normal. A man comes out and says, we're going to have a throw-out. That never happens to me at the cinema. Well, you know, it was a... It was a complimentary ticket, was it? Was it some kind of preview?

No, it wasn't a complimentary ticket. It was a festival. It was a film. It was the London Sci-Fi Film Festival. Ah, right. We've got there. You've squeezed that out of me. You're embarrassed by this admission.

No, but I, you know, I know. Did you think you were cooler when we thought that you were at the Karate Kid in Bournemouth? Exactly. He loves his sci-fi. Anyway, I just sound like my mum now. Oh, he loves, ah, Frank. Ah, Frank loves his, loves his sci-fi. Don't you, tell him, Frank. Do you, darling-fi. Don't you? Tell him, Frank.

Do you, darling? So what happened with the throw-out, Frank? So, anyway, he said, right, we've got some hats. Anyone want hats? And all the hands went up. Not mine, of course, because I'm no good with hats, as you may know. I'm assuming nylon baseball caps rather than fedoras. Well, yeah, they were baseball caps, although you can get more distance with a fedora.

And also you've got an umbrella hat, haven't you, so you don't need another hat. The fact is with my head, how can I put this, in case you don't know me, I have an enormous brain, and obviously that needs to be housed in some way way so that's given me a big head and i haven't yet to find a hat that will comfortably encompass it so i've had it's something i've had to give up on these um hats in my life quite sorrowful sounding now this yeah because i'm an admirer

of hats right but the only hat i've ever tried on tried on that fit me was a hessian with two eye holes, as worn by the elephant. I think you could rock a fez. No, a fez just sits on top of me like a small... If you can imagine that the oceans were suddenly drained overnight and a buoy, or a buoy as the Americans call it, was left on top of a sort of mound in the sea. That's what a fez looks like on my head.

If you can just hold on to that picture for a second. So anyway, so I didn't go for the hat. And then there was bags. Oh. Right? What sort of bags? Well, I can't remember the name of them. The ones that you put with a string pull.

What are they called? Oh, like duffel bags. Yeah, I can't remember the name, but the ones that you put with a string pull, what are they called? Oh, like duffelbags. Yeah, there's a modern name for it, like a... How dare you suggest in my language of all fashions? Sorry, sorry everyone. Yeah, it's called something like a tog bag or something like that. Oh, a drawstring bag maybe. No, it's something like a tog bag.

Oh, for God's sake. It's a drawstring bag, anything like a tog bag. One syllable. 579, radio dial is in the same class as record. These days, radios have buttons. I'm just saying we're all guilty of it. Mine's got a dial. Okay.

Okay. I take your point. I am a little out of date in my terminology, but you know what I meant. If you don't like it, you know where the button is. Thanks for... No doubt. No doubt.

Thanks for joining in. I appreciate it. I think we should thank 579 for firing us that missive there. That's what he's done, hasn't he? He's fired us a missive. Yes. Old school speaking. With his telephone dial.

Yes. So, yeah, so, anyway, so... T-shirts. I didn't go for the... Is it like a... Is it a log bag? No! I feel like you're getting bogged down in the detail.

I am getting, at least I'm not getting bogged down. Don't know if you remember him, popular 1990s Australian homosexual. It's a very niche reference. I appeared on Liquid News with him. Did you? Liquid News? Yes.

God, and you thought Radio Doyle was a blast from the past. Liquid News, him. Did you? Liquid News? Yes. God, and you thought Radio Doyle's was a blast from the past. Liquid News. Yes. How marvellous. Myself, Bob Downer and the late Robert Palmer. Lovely.

Brilliant. It was quite a show. That's a good bill. I'd watch that. Yeah. So, in case Liquid News is what Trevor McDonald

will be in 30 years' time. When he's finally dissolved into the earth. So you rejected the hat, Frank. Yeah, but he did, then he finally got to books. Oh, yeah. And I managed to catch a copy of Dreaming Void by Peter F. Hamilton. Now, Dreaming Void is, I think it's 640 pages. So when they started winging across the audience,

it was a... And there was a lot of men in there who weren't nimble. No. They didn't appear nimble at all. Sci-fi types aren't. But I took it out of the air. Fabulous. Oh, look, a dog with a frisbee.

It was good for you. Yeah, I was pleased with myself. Slightly damaged in the catching, but I think that all sort of met me smiling in the memory of it. One-handed? I went two-handed, I'll be honest with you. OK. Yeah, I played safe.

I'm not one of those goalkeeper types who thinks, well, I can get this two-handed, but I use one hand because it's more spectacular. You know, I was after safety. Safety first. Yeah, so I got one hand because it's more spectacular. You know, I was after safety. Safety first. Yeah, so I got myself a nice big fat paperback book. And what was brilliant about it is, as many of you will know, the Dreaming

Void is the first in a trilogy. Oh, that's good. That's good because imagine catching the third in a trilogy. You'd have caught what you think is a free bid, but you've actually committed yourself to buying two books. Yeah, you're 16 quid down there. Yeah, you think I caught it in all innocence

and now I've got to go and buy two books I had no intention of buying. That's those moments when a throw-out goes bad. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, there was some controversy earlier. No, not controversy, controversy.

Um, we... Really? Yeah. Controversial. We... Controversial. The name for a duffel slash drawstring bag... As was thrown out at your sci-fi film. Something like, it's a one syllable, like a log bag

or something like that. Tote bag people are texting in. That's it? No, that's not it. The man said I've got some tote bags. He was incorrect as well. He said I've got tote bags, books, hats. I've got pig eye! I've got all pig eye!

I haven't heard pig eye for a while. A tote is a leather sturdy sort of shopper. That's a tote. We should explain to any new listeners that Emily has a day job in high fashion and knows such things. She does know about high fashion, but I'm talking low fashion.

I'm talking sci-fi totes. I'm not sure the skills are transferable from an in-style magazine to a sci-fi film. Hold on a minute. This is getting to a sci-fi firm. Hold on a minute. It's a struggle. This is getting a bit sci-fi-ist. Yes, you're right, Frank. It's just teasing. Okay. I'm fine with teasing.

It's a tote bag. It's a tote bag. My favourite celebrity hairdresser is Mr Teasy Weezy Raymond. Eh? Yeah. Do you remember him? No. No, you see, everyone this week, of course, it's Vidal this, Vidal that, but Mr Teasy Ray, Weezy Ray Mond, was a pioneer in the hair-cutting business. Was he?

Yeah. Don't look to me. Well, I think tote bag is correct. Okay. Let's go with... You know that bit in Pork Salad Annie by Elvis Presley, when she goes and picks the pork salads, which is like, you know, these green things that grow.

And carry it home in a... What did she... Is that a tote sack? Carry it home in a tote sack. Too much singing, you're right. I'm enjoying your singing. I don't think I said too much, I think I said a lot. Oh, did you? I could have sworn you said too much. Let's listen back to that.

Too much singing. There you go. I knew I was going to be impersonated. There you go. I rather like it Frank. So yes, so I I was talking about throw outs when you're in an audience. I'd love to know actually if any of our listeners have caught a

throw out. Because it's the first one I've ever caught. I've been going to West Bromwich Albion. I saw my first game in 1967. I've never touched the match ball. Have you? Now, you would think at some point that ball would have come into me. What about a footballer's shirt? I've touched some of those.

Yes, but you're talking about a dress shirt after a beautiful night out. I imagine you did breakfast wearing that same shirt the next morning, am I right? I might have. Well, anyway, I have once touched a footballer's shirt post-game. It was on his back, so one time I ever ran on the pitch, I put my hand on the back of a player called Dick Kruzwicki. Lovely player. And I must say, he was clammy in the extreme.

Well, he's been running about for 94 minutes. I hadn't thought of that. I hadn't thought it through. You see, I prefer it at a football match, Frank, because the demographic, if I may call them that, the fans, they're a bit more au fait with the whole concept of a throw-out. Like at Wimbledon, it puts me on edge.

I'd say a throw-in was the... Oh, very good, Frank. Yes. Lovely work. I wonder if you could have a foul throw out and uh you have to actually give give it back i hate you know on telly sometimes you'll see a footballer take his shirt off and throw it into the crowd at the end of a game i always watch that with great intensity and alacrity not alacity, that's the wrong word. It worries me, basically. Anxiety?

Anxiety will do. Yes, are you working through these alphabetically? No, it really upsets me because you see the shirt go into the crowd and there's always a small child or a gentle person of some kind who goes for that shirt and you think, now that someone will dress that shirt forever. How lovely, they'll always have that. will dress that shirt forever. How lovely.

They'll always have that. They'll be passed on through the family. And then some oik will go in. It's nowhere near him. What does it mean? He was two people. And they'll go and they'll roughly take the shirt. You know they're going to put it on eBay

and then spend the money on drugs. And for me, in that moment, that's broken Britain right there. And I hate seeing it happen. Don't throw stuff into the audience crowd. Say, I'm going to put this shirt up for an audience and then have a poetry competition organised through the official programme. I love a football audience.

Yeah, exactly. And the interval, I mean. A pie at the interval, lovely. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we were talking about things, about throw-outs, things being thrown out into the crowd.

508, Frank, I still have a ball in my shed which was kicked into the Brummie Road by Darren Bradley. Well... That's from Andy in Cheadle Hume, and he says, not a referee, which I think is quite a fine callback. Oh, yes, because I was on about how referees always come from places with two names,

like Newton Abbott. Milton Keynes. I think we ran through them all, didn't we? I think we did, yeah. Except Cheadle Hume. I think Milton Keynes might be a bit metropolitan for a referee. Do you think so? Yeah, it's more like Chipping Norton.

I said Hume. That's my equivalent of Descartes this week. What did you say? I said Cheadle Hume, I think. It is Hume. I think we said the same thing. Again, embarrassing. That was mortifying last week with the Descartes.

Anyway, actually, it's a good job that you went to a sci-fi thing rather than, like, if you go to a martial arts film, do they do product tie-in throw-outs? Like, you sit in the audience and they throw out a shuriken throwing star or something. That would be, yeah. You should get some nunchucks in your head. No, I used to... A Bruce Lee film.

I had some nunchuckers, we called them. You called them nunchucks? I thought they were called n I had some... Nunchuckers, we called them. You called them nunchucks? I thought they were called nunchuckers. Yeah, yeah. Nunchuckers, we called them. Don't think it was an M. I think it was an N. Well...

Oh, now the text will blow up, won't it? No, anyway. Made a bit different in Birmingham to the north of England. I don't know. But, yeah, I found them uncontrollable. I found you could get them going, but you couldn't. It's difficult to put the brakes on. And every now and again you'd get one really hard across the side of the head.

I mean, this is a weapon that's supposed to be aimed at others. It was a weapon that was... It had one of the few weapons that had a sort of sense of true democracy about it. You might hit someone else, it might hit you. You never knew whose side it was on. That's what put me off the

nom-chakas. I liked Cat o' Nine Tails. Okay, good story. The sci-fi thing. Not it or loose? I prefer loose. I used to like Six Notted and Three Loose. For a bit of variety.

You never know what you get. I've seen Cat of Nine Tails on Absolute Radio this morning. Yes. I knew a French bloke, he liked seven knotted and two loose. Two loose? His nickname was Two Loose Le Chat. I'm terribly sorry, everyone. Two Loose Le Chat, he was called.

Is that right for French? For Cat? Le Chat, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know. But someone will text. No, I'm sure. I'm confident.

That's right. On the subject of the sci-fi thing, I might make a departure from non-sci-fi reading and I'm... Oh, you meant from Earth? No. I've been considering getting some... You've got some sort of craft on eBay I know you're a big fan of the talking book aren't you?

Oh he loves those in the car I'm on chapter 22 of Dracula now I'm near the end He's not caught but he's in trouble Van Helsing's all over it at this stage Van Helsing's all over him like a cheap cloak a like a cheap cloak yeah like a cheap cloak

exactly we can talk about Dracula during a record perhaps yeah you're quite right but first of all I need to do some information gathering and get a recommendation off you I heard somebody on a different radio station discussing

Philip K Dick and saying how much they enjoyed it. And I thought, maybe I'll give that a go. What radio station was that? Kiss FM? I'm going to be honest. Philip K. Dick Hour? It was Radio 4. Oh, well, of course it was.

I'm going to be absolutely honest there. I didn't think it was Andy Gray. When the person recommended it, I thought, maybe I should give this Philip K. Dick chap a go. And I've got quite a bit of driving coming up. I thought, maybe I'll get this Philip K. Dick chap a go. And I've got quite a bit of driving coming up. I thought, maybe I'll get a Philip K. Dick talking book. Well, you may know, every now and again on this show, regular listeners will know that Holly Walsh is one of our repertory company. And she bought me a book last time she was on.

So as a sort of response, I sent her through Amazon. I mean, the company um not by boat i sent her i sent her um the three stigmata of palmer edrich by eldridge by um by um philip k dick and she sent me an email i said thank you for your book she said i'll you know i'll i'll send you a report when i've read it nothing oh she maybe didn't like it, Frank. No, I know that, but that's fine. But it's difficult, isn't it? Whenever you recommend a book like that, people, there's a pressure there.

Every time I see that person, I say, how's the book going? And it's difficult. Actually, I've just realised I've been giving out quite a lot of recommendations recently, but I'm not sure how well I take them. It's like if somebody suggests that you watch a film that they've seen before

together, you're not going to do that are you because then you're feeling pressurised the potential multiplicado of them not liking my choice is too much to bear the worst thing I have is when someone said, oh I saw it oh it's very you, you'd love it you'd love it, no

somebody said to me, Donnie Darko, that film was made for you. I watched it ten minutes in. I'm thinking, I have never been so insulted. You know, for the whole... So that's the worst possible. Anyway, we'll listen to some adverts and I'll tell you some good audio books to get. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

What else? Well, we've had a few texts in from people that have caught things in throwouts, as you requested. God, I thought that was going to be tales from Ibiza. Throwouts is a whole thing. Balleracky nightmares. It turns out, Frank. People have caught things on holiday.

Really, caught things in throwouts, Lucky. Yes. In case you just turned on, I caught my first ever thing, you know, when things are thrown into the audience. I caught my first ever one this week. We called it Scramble when I was a child, just in case any North London listeners. Yeah, you'd throw out, you'd say, someone would shout Scramble

and then you'd throw out your Star'd say, someone would shout scramble, and then you'd throw out your Star Wars cards, and then someone would catch them. Oh, when I was a schoolboy in Scotland and there was a wedding on, there was a scramble where whoever was the driver of the wedding car would get loads of what they called smash then, meaning

small coins, like change. Oh, not the potato. Like a fistful of change, and as the wedding car drove off, they would. Oh, not the potato. Like a fistful of change. Fistful of coins, yeah. And as the wedding car drove off, they would throw it out of the window and so it would all go up in the air and then all the kids would run in and try and get a few pennies. It sounds like it's from Victorian era.

I bet Alan was right in the centre of that melee, don't you, Frank? I'll give her the most Scottish anecdote. I've ever... Children scrabbling in the street for coins. It does sound like a different time, doesn't it? I suppose the ultimate wedding

throw-out is the bouquet. Oh, the bouquet. I hadn't even thought of that. What a throw-out that is. I don't think I've ever caught one. I'd probably remember, wouldn't I? I don't think you're supposed to. That'd be a single partnership. That'd be David Furnish and Elton John's.

I played goalkeeper quite a lot and I still can't get rid of those instincts. I don't like the throwing of the bouquet just because there's a lot of jostling and pastels. I find those women get nasty. Some women, they really want that bouquet more than they want anything in the world. The bride's made in goalie gloves.

Hang on, she's after it. The baseball mitt. Baseball mitt? Yes. So, we were talking about audiobooks and have you got a CD player in your car? Is that the idea? Oh, I don't like to brag, but I've

got a 6 CD multi-changer. Well, let me tell you something. From loading as well. Not in the boot. We've got an 8 track. No. got a six CD multi-changer. Well, let me tell you something. From loading as well. Not in the boot. 96? We've got an eight track. No. Have you? I genuinely believe that. I'm really gullible on today's show. My view, I sing, I just sing in the car. You sing?

I don't need, I keep music live in the car, that's my... Oh, right. No repeat guarantees. Singing live. I can't, I can't, I mean, I will do. I spent the night in Frisco and every kind of disco probably 50 times during a journey. But anyway, yes, I have a six-wordy multi-changer.

The reason I ask you that is because I have connections in the audiobooks. I am, as you know, the voice of Ozzy Osbourne. Oh, yeah. And I'm told now that most audio books they don't make CD anymore, they go straight onto MP3. Can I just say, Frank, you use that language beautifully.

Very confident use of the language, technical terms. Thank you very much. I don't like to show off. I'm trying to get back from radio dial. I also have an iPhone with my car has one of those little mini jack leads so I also have an iPhone with... My car has one of those little mini-jack leads so I can play my iPhone in the car.

Fabulous. I feel like I am showing off, but they're quite standard kit now. Well, you say that. Not to the 38-year-old men in black t-shirts listening to this show. What are they driving? That'd be a good text. What are you driving these days? You're not only driving when you're drinking that much. I find Newcastle Brown Ale and driving just don't go together.

The only thing they drive is the tour bus. And that's done 5k, I'm left to ramp it. 5k. When you said that you were recommended Donnie Darko and didn't like it, Matt from Guildford has texted in, I like Donnie Darko and didn't like it, Matt from Guildford has texted in, I like Donnie Darko but wouldn't have recommended it. If I was thinking of a movie for Frank, he's put a question mark and a dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

Right. Nice little bit of suspense created in the text message. He's like Tarrant on it. Lovely. Kez, that's what he said he'd recommend for you. Oh, lovely. I can't tell you how many times Kez has been recommended for me and I still haven't watched the series. I was going to say that's

a bit more up your stride. I've never seen Kez. It surely means you, doesn't it? Because it's northern and rather down a hill. I'm doing alright, thanks. My car's got a mini-jack orcs lead in it. Yeah, you're quite right. Well, if you've got an orcs lead, of course you could be

in Kez. It's slightly strained, but I think it was worth the effort in the end. OK, we'll do it after, because we've had some texts about throwouts. I'm obsessed now with throwouts. That's really all I care about. And also, what do you recommend? What do you recommend I read next? Do you mean what do you listen to next?

Or read. It's still reading isn't it? I've just finished one of the greatest books I've ever read and I'm not, don't take this as a recommendation but I put it down and I thought that was a masterpiece, right? I'll tell you during the

adverts Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean If you want to text us about anything at all we're on 8-12-15 How do you like them apples?

In fact people have been texting about things that they've caught in throwouts Yeah we were talking about when stuff's thrown into the audience, have you ever caught anything good? Frank, I was at a Stray Cats concert. Not me. You're reading this out? Yes. You're so naturalistic, I didn't know.

You should act. This is... Oh, you did. What happened? This is from... Ask my parents. Still looking for that money. Oh, it's Gary Coleman syndrome. It really is. This is from, ask my parents. Still looking for that money. Oh, it's Gary Coleman.

It really is. This is from Mike Peeling Potatoes. He's at my chippy in Fife. Again, not my chippy in Fife. No. I was at a Stray Cats concert at the infamous Eric's in Liverpool. When Brian Setzer handed his bottle of beer

into the audience, I got it and drank it. The good old days when you could actually touch the bands. Yes. Well, I've done my bit to break down that barrier over the years. Me too. I was handed a bottle of beer by Ray Davis, the King's front man. Light ale. Oh, lovely.

Really? And I kept that bottle for years. See, there was no eBay in those days. No, you just kept it. Yes, there was no eBay in those days. No, you just kept it. Yes, it was a marvellous souvenir. Can I just say, we've just had a text in from Christine saying, thanks, Alan, for reminding me of the scrambles of my childhood. One particularly memorable one was when Kenny Dalgleish got married at our local church.

All the wee boys, that proves she's Scottish, wee boys. All the wee boys in the neighbourhood were there, and it was a pretty substantial amount of pennies chucked out of the car. Well, he was a footballer. He'd have been earning it. I actually think he was. You can imagine the resulting carnage.

And let's all just take a moment to do that, shall we? Brilliant. I imagine he's still pretty grumpy. Yeah. As his wedding day. Yes. Yeah, he's probably, you know, not happy about the officiating. Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedding wife?

Eh, eh, eh. Pardon? Eh, eh, eh. No, no, do you... Eh, eh, eh. Sorry, everyone. Does anyone know what he's... That's what he would have been like.

I wonder how much Kenny threw out the window, because he must have been on in those days. Probably ten grand a week. Yeah. A lot of money back then. 186, dear Frank the Cockerel and Emily, my throw-out was catching a football thrown by Matthew Corbett at a sooty show in Croydon in 1995.

Had he run out of sooty-related merchandise, do you think? Just thinking, I've got a ball in the boot of the car, that'll do. If you threw a sooty, you'd have a heart attack, wouldn't you? Because you'd think he was just making a grand gesture and it'd have flown off. And then what do you do? Because sooty, when he doesn't have a heart attack when you because you'd think he was just making a grand gesture and it had flown off and then what do you do because sooty when he's when he doesn't have a hand in him it'd be like catching the corpse of sooty do you know what matthew corbin made like the ayatollah's funeral all bouncing sooty around to each other like that like sort of a terrible sort of a mortality mix crowd surf with Sutty. And the terrible

silence of it. The crowd is silent as Sutty himself. We can just hear his hands against acrylic fibre. What people really want to hear is that squeaky. That's Sweet. She's not there. Matthew Corbett made a little joke as well.

Sweet is in the wings thinking this is my moment. Finally. Cometh the made a little joke as well. No, Sweep is in the wings thinking this is my moment. Finally. Cometh the hour, cometh the dog. That's what he's doing. Matthew Corbett said you could play for Palace. He made a little joke when the guy threw it back. He always had a line. Did he?

Oh, I didn't know that aspect. Comically. Oh, no, I very thought of that. Making Sutty hold the £10 note. Morally incorrect. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some more texts about throw-outs. Go on.

This is from 553. I was handed a bottle of Blue Nun by Alex Harvey harvey at a gig at barbarellas in brum that's yvette in west brum brilliant blue non blue non who's alex harvey alex harvey was um the sensational alex harvey band was a fabulous band i saw them many times it was was sort of that sort of rock theatre. It used to have a sort of lectern with a big candle on it and read from. Epic rock. That sounds very up our Keith Stryzer. Rambo coming to the rescue.

Scottish, you'd have liked him, Owen. I was going to say, were they... Very Scottish. Don't take this the wrong way, but I was about to ask, were they Midlands-based? No, no. You know, the text is from West Brom. He always used to wear a black-and-white hooped rugby shirt. Oh. Oh, lovely.

But often with a sort of pirate coat he'd wear it. And I remember buying one of those black-and-white hooped rugby shirts just so I could be like Alex Harvey. And unfortunately, that night, whilst listening to Eddie and the Hot Rods new album I got very drunk and when I woke up I'm afraid I'd

rather disgrace myself. I don't like the vagueness here. No and I don't know quite how to put it but there was steam in the air and the black stripes had run into the white stripes. That sounds like some sort of road accident

coming out of Glastonbury. Can I tell you, Daisy the producer actually shook her head and pursed her lips when you did that. She pursed her lips. I'm sorry, Daisy. That's my memories of the sensational Alex Harvey man. But really, check them out. Check them out.

Yeah, can't wait now after that um frank we've had another text as well this is more throwouts i have to say they're loving these throwouts yeah um hi when i was about seven i was at a pantomime during the show they threw out sweets to us and a mars bar bounced off my head and was caught by the kids sitting behind me I love that. To have got that close to a throw-out, that it actually hit you on the head and not have it. You see, some children would have said, mate, you have this, you've suffered for it.

But no, gone. We've just had a text in. I have half an inflatable banana thrown into the crowd by the alien sex fiend at manchester poly in 1990 wow do you know what i love a manchester poly anecdote so it was torn apart but as they seized upon it well let's let's imagine that whether or not they came to an amicable agreement and got some scissors out or but i prefer the idea that it was torn apart by these banana fans under alien sex fiend fans at Manchester Poly. I like the idea that it was someone had the peel

and someone had the white in them. Someone had the banana? I don't think they have real bananas in them, but I like the idea. Did they not move on to that level of sophistication? There's an inflatable banana inside an inflatable banana skin. That would be good. That'll come next, don't worry. That's a gap in the market.

Once again, you've heard it first on this show. That's all I can say. There was Dog Tooth Check, I think we pioneered on here. Did we? Dog Tooth Check? There was no Dog Tooth Check. I just had the idea for it one day whilst messing about with a ramshackle

jigsaw. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in that I have to tell you about as regards throw-outs being caught by people. This contains a reference to a childhood comedy hero of mine, Saw Stu Francis in Panto in Oxford. He threw some stuff out and I caught it.

I got very excited and unwrapped it only to find that it was just a ball of paper. Oh, what? My devastation was worsened by my sister's delight at my misfortune. Cheers, Nick. I love that. I mean, I think that's a really funny thing to do, to throw out, pretend, throw out.

It's a terrible thing to do. It's really tight. It's really funny. What worries me about Stu, I could crush a grape, Francis, is I bet that he had some sort of sponsorship which gave him toys and various things to throw, and he thought, no, I'm having these. They were in the garage.

Yeah, I bet there's espionage at the heart of that story. And 047, my absolute all-time favourite, Dave Bartram of Shawoddy Woddy, threw me his bootlace tie when it fell off at a gig last year. Excellent. I still have it in all of them. Last year? He's still got it, Frank Bartram.

A bootlace tie last year? Yes. Yeah, Shawoddy Woddy is still... I had no idea there was... Do you know, I love those Oil Barons ball ties. I always think that Shawoddyadi Wadi were to rock and roll, what queen were to rock music? You're a big fan of queens, aren't you?

Sort of a colourful, jokey, not the real thing. Like a sort of oasis of the indie world. Frank, are you familiar with the work of Pudsey? I don't mean that bear with the funny spotty bandage. I mean the dog. The other Pudsey. The hunt. It's a bit unfortunate really that he's chosen that bear's name.

Because if Pudsey the performing dog gets mega, then I'm afraid the children in need will have to remain in need. Because people will think, well, that's not Podsy. Where's the dancing? They'll get no money out of me. Well, he's getting a lot of PR.

In case you don't know, Britain's Got Talent is a popular entertainment show on ITV. And it's the final tonight. Oh, is it tonight? Yeah. And one of the favourites is podsy the dog who dances with a 16 year old girl yes and um he's pretty i have to say a dog there was a bit she ended her routine last week and she sort of fell to her knees and the dog ran up and from behind he sort of put his head on her shoulder and looked over her shoulder from I think it's the greatest moment I've ever seen on television, ever.

I'm including Vanessa Redgrave's acceptance speech at the BAFTAs for the Lifetime Achievement, which was some of the fabulous, most high-power gibberish I've ever heard in my life. Just random words. One of the great Dadaist acceptance speeches. But honestly, Pudsey looking over the girl's shoulder... I don't know her name, sorry, but looking over her shoulder... Who cares? ...was a beautiful...

I find... Yeah, let's face it, she's just the walking stick for Pudsey. I find Pudsey profoundly creepy. And I'll tell you for why, Frank. Because I don't like animals walking. I don't like seeing the pink skin exposed. No, there is that undercarriage. It's like me having my appendix out and you can all see it.

It's disgusting. It's like they're innards. It's not right. And they shouldn't be standing. And also, it looks like a little white, hairy man, like Bernie Eccleston or something, in a fur coat. It makes me ill. I have wondered about whether there could be a child in there.

Wouldn't that be one of the great exposés of all time, if she won and then it turned out there was a small, local street urchin who she paid the odd ten as well? Georgie Thompson inside or something. Who is that? She's the Sky Sportswoman. She's four foot eleven. Is she really? I've seen Georgie Thompson on or something Who is that? She's the Sky Sportswoman, she's 4 foot 11 Is she really? I've seen Georgie Thompson on the telly I couldn't think you met her because she's sitting down whenever I see her

But I'm never completely convinced by the people on talent shows I always think they might be massive hoaxes Well there's been some brouhaha this week hasn't there Apparently the synchronised swimmers that are in there There's no water in there apparently. That's why they're good at the underwater bit. They're basically just dancing

in glass cases. Do you think it's like you know when you get those drinks, those mugs that have actually got fake drinking and you can drink it and it doesn't go down, like the level on the outside. It's like an inner... You know what I mean. Yes. You know what I'm describing. You think the tanks are like outside. It's like an inner... You know what I mean? Yes, exactly. You know what I'm describing.

You think the tanks are like that. They're just doing handstands. I think if you tipped those tanks on their side, their swimsuits would come off like those Byros used to be once again. I just wish they'd wear more make-up with synchronised swimmers. Never mind. Can you get that kind of waterproof make-up? Yeah, waterproof make-up.

You can in my make-up room. Of course, you've got the whole room. It's very handy on reality television, because there's all the crying, you see. Very useful. I'd recommend it. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Apparently there's been a brouhaha about these swimmers because apparently the Britain's Got Talent people saw them and invited them on. Oh, no. But I just watched that, because I know that

unless they're singers, the Britain's Got Talent people, their thing after that is the novelty act in corporate entertainment, isn't it? Are you suggesting Pudsey would only be a novelty act? Yeah. But how many of those synchronised swimmers are there? Like four or five? And I just see that there's going to be an agent in an office going,

right, I want £1,000 for them and you're going to have to get a lot of water at the venue because they bring their own tanks but they're not bringing their own water. No, difficult. Very difficult. And then they've got to split that four ways after commission. I just worry about the break-even. I don't know where it's going to go.

No, exactly. But another hoax, you see. So that's a child in the dog suit. No water in the tank. The opera singer, let's face it, is Rick Waller. Does he think we don't recognise him? It's Rick Waller. Rick Waller.

Try it again. Wear the wig, Rick. Trying again. Rick Waller trying again wear the wig Rick trying again Rick Waller trying again I'll have a go I'm not sure if it'll work

but I'll wear the wig see how it goes Rick Waller there lovely scent Rick Waller but apparently is that right no

apparently Frank Clarkson has waded in Frank Clarkson great comic oh Jeremy Clarkson yes he's in. Frank Clarkson? Great comic. Oh, Jeremy Clarkson. Yes, he's upset, isn't he, with, well, it's not the same show, but it's the Cowl Juggernaut, he called it.

Yeah. He says that that's the reason that Top Gear won't be back on TV. Oh, because X-Factor's on, is it? There won't be another series of Top Gear this year. And Clarkson said there's a rumour in internet land which I enjoyed. That's deliberately playing the... Yes. He's gone. He can be a vonkula if he needs to.

I saw the article, it's got the picture of the three presenters. Oh, lovely. And when I was watching it, I realised I too was wearing jeans and a dress shirt and I thought, oh no. I thought, I may, or I'm not sure, I may take my own life.

It was something I toyed with, but I came through it. You don't have a fraying boot cut or a thigh-length leather, Richard Hammond style. That's not meant to be thigh-length. I felt, if I'd have stepped in to the back of that photo shoot,

I don't think I would have looked out of place, and that is not what I see. Oh, dear, no. But I like the fact that Clarkson is blaming Cowell for the fact that... There's just a sniff of denial about it, isn't there? It's not like the programme's lost its way and that even the people that used to like it now increasingly hate it. But you see, I thought it was still massively popular, Tom. Well, who do you think looks worse in the

dress shirt out of the three? Sorry, this show ends at ten o'clock. I think James May looks a bit sexual reassignment surgery. James May looks a floral shirt I've noticed. As if to say, don't lump me with these other two. I'm not anti-Mexican or

I'm not anti-trade union. I'm the sensitive one. I'm arty. I've got slightly longer hair, some of you may have noticed, and I'll go for a floral shirt. However, you'll get the same bullet they get. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So?

We were talking about BGT. Britain's Got Talent. Yes. Britain's Got Talent. And the creepy dog with the pink skin exposed. And the Cowell Clarkson war. I don't know if you've seen the... I'm with Clarkson.

I love that you've taken that position. Oh, I am not. I've decided. I couldn't like Cowell more now that he's keeping clarkson off the telly are you with clarkson simply because be honest you worry you looked a bit like him in the jeans no i'm i'm with clarkson was not a thing i would normally say um i'm with clarkson because the other night um simon cowell said i don't normally like comedians and i thought that says something about someone's soul who says i don't normally like comedians. And I thought, that says something about someone's soul

who says, I don't normally like comedians. I was in a place called The Barn, a club in Birmingham. Lovely. And there was a guy on, he went very well, there was a guy on the adjoining table. And they said, did you not like it, Bob? And I said, no, Bob, he doesn't, he don't like comedians. He said, no, I don't find them funny comedians.

Don't like them. And I thought, well, why continue to exist? I've said the same thing to myself many a time. Yeah. No, but, yeah, I don't, so that's what he says. I don't know, and the thing is, he was praising a comedian who was otter, I mean, so rubbish. Oh, who...

A Latvian guy, yeah. He liked him because he wasn't, you know, he wasn't like a proper comedian. He was a bit different. I just thought, no, I'm not having that. No. Well, I haven't seen... No.

OK, so we're Team Clarkson, which is an extraordinary kind of event. This is a... I worry myself with this, you know, but it started to get to me a bit that there was people on Britain's Got Talent that weren't from Britain. Oh. Now, that sounds a bit BMP. Cab driver, anyone?

It's in the title. It's in the title. You're right, though. It's like Roy Hodgson saying, actually, I quite like the look of this um lionel messi what do you think guys we've got a gap there we could yeah let's do it yeah he's got he's got no arse in his name it's perfect yeah i i i to my main problem with it is what i like about britain's got talent is it's got a sort of wicker man feel to it. There's an idea of that part of England on the outskirts of town

where the strange people live. That's that. Where, you know... And now these Latvians are coming in, taking our ridicule. Yeah, I think they've slightly spoiled that weird English... I'm not saying troubled people necessarily

but people of an odd nature. We're talking Sue Bow. I don't know if I want to include Sue Bow because she of course had the voice of an angel. The Clarkson versus Cowell thing reminds me of many years ago I was in an estate agent's

and the boss estate agent ran in and went the traffic wardens are outside and all of the estate agents in the shop jumped up and ran out to move their cars off double yellow lines or whatever and i was struck by how at that time it was like the battle of some of the least popular people in society estate agents versus traffic wardens. And since then, it's been superseded by greedy politicians and bankers. But the battle of Cowell versus Clarkson could really be like... I thought you were going to say the traffic wardens turned out to be a boy band and they were just racing out.

They won the X Factor the following year. This is Ben Elton that he does. No, I'm not. He gets a bit anti-establishment. I like it. You think that's anti is Ben Elton that he does. No, I'm not. He gets a bit anti-establishment. I like it. You think that's anti-establishment? Who's the establishment? Clarkson or Cowell?

He's a bit of a satirist. On the quiet. He thinks so. I see you more as a social commentator. Well, you know, I couldn't... OK, it's mainly about sandwiches, but it can spread. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had what I think might be possibly the most Midlands text we've ever had, which is play some Alex Harvey, Frank, Yvette and West Brom. Well, Yvette, I need more notice. Oh, yeah, it's not that kind of freestyling. I'm allowed two of my own tracks an hour, and the rest are off the absolute playlist, where I'm sad to say Alex Harvey does not dwell. But I'll give you a quick burst.

Let me put my hands on you. Let me put... Sal on you Let me put... Sal Clementson there on lead guitar. Nice. We had another text on the subject of throwouts. People catching things thrown into the crowd. When I was a kid, my dad caught a throwout from Ken Dodd. It was some pastry at a pantomime in Stoke.

He promptly threw it straight back and hit Ken in the face. What? To a round of applause and a bow from Ken. Good for Ken. Ken took it well. That's great, I think. I'd like to hear the sound effect of a pastry eating Ken Dodd in the eye. Oh, yeah. Ooh! That's it.

That was great. A pastry would have more impact than that. One take wonder. No, it wasn't pasta, it was pastry. Oh, I never know the difference between pies. Too carb if you were... Anyway... One is carb, the other is carb. Exactly.

Mark Crossley is coming up next. You can download the Not The Weekend podcast from Wednesday. We've decided to make it a Sony free zone because last time we won, we crowed about the fact we won and people said, you know, I expect a certain bit more humility. It's ungallant. Is that right? I had to go to confession

that week. I know there's not enough people on commercial radio talking about going to confession. Do you find that? Why would that be? I can't imagine. Anyway, on that subject of the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we will be back this time

next week. Thank you so much for listening. We love you all. Goodbye. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.