The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Thumbs

Episode Date: September 22, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. They discuss Frank's dream, Emily's fashion cupboard trauma and Alun giving up the allotment.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, stranger. And see, he's sheriff. Why don't you follow us on Twitter? Frank on Absolute. I feel that we ended up in some sort of Wild West backwoods there. Yeah. For that information. Ah, the modern world. So speaking of the modern world, I was talking to a bloke yesterday who was telling me that he noticed that his daughter, he's got a daughter, I think he was about 12, 13, and him, her and her friends, they switch the lights on and off with their thumbs.

Oh. In the house on the light switches because the thumb now has become the dominant thing because of texting. Oh, the texting. Yeah. So, yeah. So, you know, when you switch a light switch off, they thumb it, they thumb it off. And it's going to be an evolutionary change as our thumbs are going to get bigger and more flexible.

I like the idea that the United Kingdom now is listening to this and holding their thumb up going, eh? I don't understand what it is. Well, they're probably... As opposed to fingers. Yeah, they're adjusting the tuning with their... With their thumbs, their massive thumbs. Their fabulous thumbs.

With the right kind of dimmer, though, just one touch only. Mm. You see, I don't like a dimmer. Oh, don't you, Fang? Really? No. What's your problem with the dimmer?

He likes quite a stark Birmingham light. Oh, I can't... That's it. I like on or off. That's what I like. On or off the middle ground. I'm not crazy about a shade. I like a sort of an East European prison kind of a feel to a house.

Or dark. No, a dimmer is... make your mind up. What else? Do you want a dimmer on everything else? Where do you stand on lamps, Frank? Where do I stand on what? Lamps. Around the house. If you turn the big light off off as it's been called in

the past yes would you put on any lamps have you got like a stand lamp or a oh he's not he's not a lamp man I have got a lamp my manager bought me a lamp exactly like the lamp from I don't know if you remember this but there's a big lamp in the Italian job the the original movie. He bought me that. Oh, nice. But, you know. Is it an angle poise? It's enormous. It's got a massive piece, slab of marble on one end and like a big silver thing that looked like,

remember when you used to walk past ladies' hairdressers and women sat underneath those things? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. But it's a lamp. You can dress it up any way you like. What I'm. But it's a lamp. You can dress it up any way you like. What I'm saying, it's not a standard lamp. Right.

If you receive my meaning. Uh-huh. You think this is tedious? It's going to get worse because... I don't think it's tedious, though. I'm enjoying it. I like talking about lamps. The worst thing I think is possible to talk about

is when someone tells you a dream that they've had. Oh, I hate that. I would put it right up there with when someone tells you about a new American drama they've discovered on the telly. Yes. You know when people do that? Oh, and they quote from it as well. Yeah, they say, oh, have you seen, um, Bright Neck?

Bright Neck. No, no, I haven't seen that. Yeah, it's made by the people who met the West Wing. Oh, man. And as soon as they go to it, got to it, all I hear is... I can see their mouths moving. Occasionally I'll tune back in for... I'll tune in.

Do you remember that? In this one episode, they're... I don't care. Don't tell me about it. I totally agree, Frank. I don't like American dramas anyway. Really? The Wire, The West Wing, The Sopranos, they're all rubbish.

Frank! You're wrong in a way. I agree with you on The Sopranos. You know my feelings on them. You're wrong in a way. Sopranos is the worst piece of television ever made. I don't... Why are they even on?

Take them away. Take them away. Look, you've had your, you know... You've had your mumble dialogue. Go away. I thought they spoke quite clearly in Breakneck. I enjoyed it. Breakneck's one of the best. It's not as good as Brassneck. It used to be in the dandy.

But anyway... So what's worse than that? The dreams? I'm going to tell you about a dream I had. Oh, fine. Good? Yeah, only because I've always quite fancied myself as a Freudian. Oh, yeah. I think I'm quite good at interpreting dreams.

I'll have a dream and I'll lie in bed and think, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, and see what that means. And, of course, that symbolises work and that symbolises it. OK. You say you're Freudian. Let's slip into it. OK. A little joke there. You missed it, You say you're Freudian, let's slip into it. Okay. A little joke there. You missed it. It was excellent.

I enjoyed it. I didn't get it, I'll be honest with you. Freudian slip. I'll get it now. Now you've put the angle poise on it. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank 360 is texted in

Ah, my old friend Well, I don't think it's going to be your old friend anymore Oh, no Dear Frank, Emily and Cockerel Not even the Cockerel, Cockerel Have you watched Lillehammer yet? Simon and Hive Well, I liked her first album

But I think she just went a bit too cutie, do you know what I mean? yet, Simon and Hive. Well, I liked her first album. But I think she just went a bit too cutie, do you know what I mean? No, that's exactly what you don't want, Frank. It's one of those American cop dramas. Oh, is that what it is? Is it actually? It's set in Lillehammer. He's in a witness protection programme and he's in the Mafia. You'll hate it. I don't know what Lillehammer is.

Oh, I just assumed that they'd made it up and that they were joining in with a joke. No, it's an actual thing. Well, good. See, I would have commenced that leel hammer. I look forward to not watching that. Very well travelled. That's another American drama, is it? Yeah.

Because they've also started now with, like, Scandinavian dramas, Italian. They're good. Oh, yes. Look, because we don't have enough cop shows. Let's go and find some other shows about the police. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the police. You know what I mean? Don't put me in with some

Tory politicians. I don't just want to watch programmes about the police. I like the idea you're sat at home with a box set of The Killing and The Bill going, do we really need a foreign cop series? Surely not. I've got a box set of The Sopranos. Have you watched it?

Unopened. I know, I use it as coasters. Don't bother, mate. No, of course I haven't watched it. We've also... I have watched it, actually. I have a look at them just to make... Every now and again I'll watch one to make sure it's definitely rubbish. It's not rubbish.

It is rubbish. You can't compare those with... Hey, get a pizza, Tony. Yeah. You've just watched Deadwood. It's not Monica the Glen, is Deadwood it's not Monica the Glen it's not Monica the Glen you're right you're right

we've also heard from the outside world from 460 no you're talking it was good that Colin Farrell was he in the Sopranos was he in Malekis Angel Max Beasley

Spatter Tea The great drummer Oh we haven't had a spit the tea moment for ages We've Bob Carroll Jesus branched out a bit What else? Somebody's texted

you had me slightly discombobulated there for a minute Frank, your thick accent made thumbs sound like thongs Oh, so they're switching lights off with their thongs? Yeah, yeah Yeah, that's probably what happens when the parents aren't there, if you know what I'm saying Yeah, maybe We've also, that same Mark in Dunfermline has also added P.S. Is that Marlon from Emmerdale you have on air with yourself

and the sexy sounding lady? Yes, it is. It's not, it's not. I'm assuming that's me that he's discussing. I thought you were Marlon from Emmerdale. No, it's one of those Clara Claras that's turned out in my favour. This is a bit embarrassing, isn't it? No, you were... Didn't you tell me he was Marlon from Emmerdale?

No, he was the asthmatic in... Jason the asthmatic in A&E. Oh, yeah, I always get those two mixed up. Well, I was Amos Brearley for a period. Oh, lovely facial. So I had this dream. In this dream, I'm on a sort of a raised walkway. Oh, God, then a shark came along and ate the bubble gum.

No, no. No, no, it's a bit more, I don't have those kind of fantasies. In my dreams, I'm sort of in a supermarket, I buy some food and I go home. I don't know why I bother having a dream life at all. Nothing fantastical happens. Nevertheless,

I was on a raised, I'm going to call it a gantry. Okay. And I looked down and there was a car park, a large car park with people walking about and who should walk across with a group of friends but Andy Murray, the well-known tennis player. He'd had his hair

I noticed, he'd had it slightly highlighted with red. When you say I noticed, this didn't really happen. It was your dream. Even in the course I thought oh he's had his hair highlighted with red. Was he in his civvies or in his tennis gear? I don't recall. OK.

That's part of the problem with dreams. But suddenly, his right hand flashed out. I mean, like a lizard taking a horsefly off a leaf. Uh-huh. And he's short. A pair of his shorts landed into my chest. Like he'd quickly thrown them at me. Like Tom Jones from a concert.

Yeah, exactly. And I thought, oh, Andy Murray's shorts. That's nice that he's thrown those. Like you would, you know, to a fan. And I looked in the pockets and there was some dirty tissue. Oh, no. Come on. This is sports when you're...

Filthy creep. Come on. And there was a pair of nail clippers. Oh. But open. All right, ready to... Which you don't want in your pocket. No.

Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm talking thumb ramp raised. I see him with quite a Middle-earth toe as well. Do you think? Quite a gnarled old foot. Yeah, a battered. Yeah, because all that sport and all that sweat. Yeah, he'd have a callus, wouldn't he? Yeah, terrible.

Rotten toes. Yeah, so that happened. And then he moved. He didn't even look round. But, you know, I tried to call to him, I remember, in a sort of thank you. And he said, oh, I've had you a souvenir now. And he'd gone.

When you called, did you shout Andy or Mr Murray? How formal was it? I shouted Andy, I think. Oh, did you? I felt, you know, I've got his shorts. Yeah, exactly. How did it end, though, the dream? Then the shark ate the bubble gum? No, no, it ended there oh did it that was it oh yeah i don't hang

around in my dreams because um you get to an age where sleep is so next door to death that you can you can you can never really ease into it you want to be on a stool rather than an armchair, just in case you forget to get up again, if you know what I'm saying. So, yeah, I didn't do it all there. But I have lay trying to work out... It's a curious dream. It is. I have a theory on it, actually. They all mean something.

Well, let's listen to some adverts, first of all. Gather round, everyone, cross-legged on the floor. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So the only thing I can get out of this Andy Murray dream is that the fact that the nail clippers was open means that it could be a reference to the US Open. That's not how dreams work.

They do, they do. There are ponds. It's his sort of ponds, isn't it? Dreams. I thought it was your subconscious speaking to you. That's how my subconscious speaks to me. It's all about fatherhood. You're now seeing yourself.

This is a high-status person, and you're having to clear up their mess, to be honest. Oh, yeah. Who's more important than you. Oh, wow. Which Bells is, let's be honest. Oh, that's good. You're now the sort of arse-jeeve slash cleaner role.

That is good. Really? That is good. I think that's true, Frank. Do you know what? You're definitely cleverer than me i think i am i think i might have gone a bit too literal i thought it might be that you needed to clip your toenails and that your mind was saying toenail clippers nail clippers because why would they

be delivered by andy murray in shorts he's been in the news through the medium of shorts why would they be he's been in the news now you come to to mention it, we do clip Bozzie's fingernails with a little... Like you did Shep's. And am I right in thinking that you've got some quite hard to clip toes? Sure up about it. I'm sure you've mentioned it in the past. All right, I didn't realise that you were feeling sensitive about some wondering issues. I don't like the sound of the highlights.

It makes me feel ill. My toenail clippings are... I think I was trying to feminise him a bit. Maybe I'm developing a sort of subconscious desire for Andy Murray. Well, exactly. You were turning him into old Mar Murray, maybe. No, come round my house, the shorts will be off. Shorts will be off?

We've got tissue, and make sure you've got your fingernails. It could be that kind of invite, if you know what I'm saying be off. We've got tissue and make sure you've got your fingernails. It could be that kind of invite if you know what I'm saying. We've got tissue. Anyway, we've got tissue. Yeah, I think it's a rap. Isn't that a big rap song, We've Got Tissue? Sorry, carry on. You were saying... No, I was going to... There was definitely a Cochranean

remark being made. Oh, I was... It was back to toenails, actually. Oh, okay. I was going to say that mine are on the um same trimming rotor as the dogs when the dog needs her toenails clipped i need mine done as well they're growing at about exactly the same pace that's odd because you'd think that hers would wear away you know just general you walking around you would yeah yeah the way i was damned like pumicing not pumicing. Not pumicing.

What's it called? Filing. Like a bit of a filing from the pavements. Yeah. But no, we seem about Bob on. And I've told a few people that and they've gone, ugh, as if either of us have got any control over how quickly our nails are growing. I'll tell you what I do hate, is if,

I like to cut toenails, fingernails in one sitting. Oh, yeah. But if I only do the one and they get out of sync oh yeah then then it's a real that's the thought so i did it i did a show this week which involved toenail clipping so maybe i was worried about that i think and not anyway frank sean o'connor not tom o'connor but sean o'connor yeah says i'm surprised that frank is a freud fan i would have thought young was more his bag. Well, I know what you mean. I know what you mean by that, because he's a bit more mystical.

Yes. You're Jung. I love Jung on Absolute Radio. It's a bit like, you know what I said last week? That James Callaghan, the former Prime Minister, waved at me, and so I thought, I'll vote Labour the rest of my life. Well, I was in Vienna Vienna and I went to the rooms that Freud used to do his dealings in.

There's still a thing there that says Freud, three o'clock till four o'clock, like when he's in. Oh, nice. And so I thought, OK, I'll stick with this line of psychotherapy. You know, you make these decisions. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. you know you make these decisions one last point on this the shorts thing could have come from the fact

that I've been wearing the same shorts for three weeks I walk into work in the morning which takes me about an hour so there is some perspiration. But I always think with shorts, and indeed with trousers in general, they're not really coming into contact, if you receive my meaning. So you can wear them, really, forever.

I beg to differ. Do you? I'm appalled. Oh, sorry. Sorry, Frank. Shall we move on? Yes. You know where I think we should go? Where? Oh, I tell appalled. Oh, sorry. Sorry, Frank. Shall we move on? Yeah. I think, you know where I think we should go?

Where? Oh, I tell you what, there is one place we could go to get out of this mess. I don't have, I don't go, I don't think I'm going commando, I'm not. Okay. I think... Right.

Email corner. Oh, saved by the sitar. No, I'd just like to dip briefly back into Slee's corner. Oh, you say. No, I just want to say, I'm going to quote your girlfriend, Cathy, who once told me you were absolutely spotless. And I think that's true, so I'll let you off. OK, thank you so much.

OK, I'd like to kick off email corner if that's all right. This is from Chris in Preston. Okay. He says, dear Frank, Emily and Cockrell, listening to a recent podcast, I heard Alan mention how he's excited about runners listening to the show whilst on their Sunday long run. Just thought I'd let you know

that I actually do my long run on a Saturday, thus missing the show live, which I listen to on a Sunday or Monday. I've only ever listened to the show live once when injured. That is all. Chris in Preston. I like that, is all. I like that, is all.

I also like the fact that he's only heard the show live once whilst injured. Apparently Michael Owen had the same rule and he's heard them all. Yes. There we go. But I... I'd like people to listen to it on the podcast and stuff, but they don't hear any adverts to those.

Is there any adverts on the podcast? No, you see. I don't think so. I mean, how do they make their retail decisions without this advice? I don't know. How do they buy any car or compare? How do they make any comparisons in their life? Yeah.

I bet he's in a tall supermarket thingy dot com. No, I'd miss all that. That's my life. When we mentioned the runners last week, we got a couple of texts in that were saying that our podcasts have got them through two marathons and stuff like that. So that makes me feel like we're almost part

of the running community without doing the running. But when my girlfriend, Kath, used to run, before her insides dropped out. She... Hi! Sorry, have I said something? Oh God, what have I done now? Anyway, she used to listen to the show

live on a small DAB radio as she ran. See, the two are not mutually exclusive. You can kill two birds with one stone, as I think Bernard Matthews used to say. Before they got those electric things in that they did them with it was him that invented that phrase oh god apparently he could he could take three on a good day they used to skim like off a lake oh well that's uh yeah i think i like the idea of people when i when i used to run i used to run six miles a day and i never listened to anything i like i just like the sound i like the idea of people... When I used to run, I used to run six miles a day,

and I never listened to anything. I just liked the sounds of the world. Yeah. Did you? But, you know, we're all different. Oh, I like to block the world out. I don't understand people that listen to stuff while swimming. I think that's weird.

But anyway. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Would you like to hear another email from the corner? Of course, of course. Were you waiting for Alan to read it out? I'm happy to read it. No, no, it's too late now.

That's like I love you. We're going to do a turntaping. No, no, go on, go on, Em. OK, this is from Peter. Hey, you give them a couple of seasons in Emmerdale Farm, they think they own the world. Marlon. How are we going to keep them down on the farm

now that they've done Emmerdale? I've just been listening to the podcast where you were talking about Douglas Adams. Douglas Adams. I should say, by the way, in case you didn't listen last week, I once met Douglas Adams and I thought he was... I got mixed up. I sang Bright Eyes

thinking he was Richard Adams who wrote Watership Down. And I felt like ending my own life when I heard that anecdote. Yeah, it was... Douglas Adams, who is basically a god, I beg to differ. I didn't know that, I didn't know. Was famously terrible at meeting deadlines. Supposedly the only deadline he ever met was the very first episode of,

he's called this H2G2 for the radio. I'm assuming that's Hitchhiker's Guide in sort of nerd speak. Yes. Nerd speak. It is, yes. H2G2. He did, he was always late for that. I've heard that.

I heard that Art Garfunkel stormed out the studio and wouldn't wait any longer. Oh. That's when they did The Bright Eyes. Oh. No. Well, it's because I really like like Itaika's Guide to the Galaxy but I hadn't discovered it at that point so I wasn't in awe

of him, first of all I thought it was a different bloke, but when I did find out I thought oh he wrote that Itaika's Guide that I've never listened to, now I've listened to it and really like it, well he's dead now, it's too late, secret of this is, it's not never meet your heroes it's never meet your heroes before they're your heroes

this is frank skinner absolute radio go on oh yes emily rob from harrogate says, he's asked a question, actually. Do the Frankers' spotless years also span the pants last two days period? We black tour T-shirt wearers must be told. Well, the thing is that because I bathe so regularly, well, I shower a lot and scrub. I mean, I really, when I'm in there, I really get it. As I've said before, Kat stands in the shower like someone at a bus stop. She goes in, she stands there and just thinks that the jet will do it all. But not Frank. I'm very meticulous.

And it's like a pit stop when I go in there. It's like a pit bull. Yeah, so two days for a pair of pants was not a problem. But then I mentioned that on air. Kath hadn't realised and she said it had to stop. So, as is the regular way in our house, I was oppressed. You were oppressed? I was oppressed and I've had to wear...

I had to buy some... Because I had four pairs that lasted me forever. I had to stock up. Anyway... You were after new pants, weren't you? Yeah, OK, enough pants talk. I was after trainers, still nothing. No, I don't like being after anything.

After. Well, I have a question for you. OK, I love a quiz. No, it's not a quiz question. You've espoused some excellent views off air today on modern parenthood. I wondered if you were going to bring Buzz up with particular rules, because it says in the paper this week that Gwyneth Paltrow only lets her children watch TV cartoons in French and Spanish.

Magnifique. She wants them to... Very good. Yeah, poor for most. To be like you guys I heard that at the

ambassador's house in Ferraro yeah I remember that yeah

well we have got boss on the on the baby baby TV if you discovered baby TV what's baby TV

it's big bright shapes oh yeah faces yeah yeah and I don't know about strap him in chair, put him in front of that. And the chair, from behind, the chair's rocking about like it's... Yeah.

Like he's on a big fairground ride. Mm-hm. So we do that. But one of the things about Gwyneth Paltrow is her first child was called Apple. Yeah. And I bet you the Coors were absolutely upset that they missed out on that one.

Oh, thank you, you're right. God, they must have been sickened. And John Peel as well. I bet he thought, oh, why didn't I? I think it's a good idea. Lee Mack. Lee Mack thought, oh, Apple, that would have been... Apple Mack.

Very good, very good. I like the way that Alan has to say them out loud to get them. It was. That last one, I really had to. Good on you. Lovely work, though. It did. It was a Steve Jobs moment, that was, wasn't it?

I nearly tucked my jumper into my jeans, just for a second. I think it's a very good idea, though. I like it. It's education by stealth, which I approve of. Yes, that's very good. Always by stealth. Yeah. And it saves on the old Rosetta Stone,

which is quite pricey these days. It is, yeah. Exactly. They're probably struggling a bit for a few quid, aren't they? I used to use... Chris? Do you know, are you familiar with Michelle Thomas? Yeah, yeah.

Yes. Gervais, I'm on my my way i'm so used to teach everything but you could hear his dentures oh really so it's like yes uh so i say blah well i can't think of any french to say okay uh just read desolate yeah just read desolate i thought i thought it was part of the i thought it was one of those af those African one of those things you had to do it it kept me going cheveux I'm on my way no

no do you now speak fluent denture French like in Wales but the magic roundabout was a French show originally was it? do you know that was originally called Le Manage Enchanté, which is so much nicer, I think.

I quite like the Magic Roundabout. And it sounds like something that might happen with your colleagues in the S&M community, I think. Well, I don't know about Enchanté. They don't like being enchanted. No, no. I suppose we might use that as a safety word. But, yeah, I'd really...

I suppose if I could teach bars anything at all, it'd be the Vulcan death grip. Oh, yeah, that'd be good. Because what I'd like, to be absolutely honest, and I think most... What's that? Sort of Mick McManus move? You know that thing that Mr Spock can do when he can't?

Oh, OK. So, you know, it could be... It means I'd like him to grow up to be polite and kind and amiable, but with the potential to be a killing machine in a difficult situation. Yeah, totally. Yeah. That would be great. As long as it's contact.

I don't want him to be one of those kids who kills me and Kath just to find out what killing feels like. You know that? You know those kind of kids. Yeah. But someone who, if it comes to it, could, you know, could be... They'd behead if they had to. You want them to be a bit tasty. Yeah.

But never use it. No. You know, like in Shane, the Western, when they treat him bad and treat him bad, and then he said, no, I'm not having this anymore. That's what you want. I can see him now in his Calvin classics. Oh, yes.

Well, I'm leaving that as in my will. Still a bit of elastic left in him. And obviously I shall teach him to respect the elderly. That's a sort of an investment plan for me. Yeah, so I'd like him to be polite but lethal well uh robert peter williams aka robbie williams oh you had a child this week yes i know he did you see the baby pictures by the way i love that picture yeah of course i thought that's a beautiful picture and then i looked at the daily mail comments and i thought perhaps i didn't realize he was a vile scumbag who can only love himself.

Yeah. I didn't get that from the picture. Some people, they see so deeply into things, don't they? They're horrible. I didn't like the... I thought there was a bit of an excess of what they call ink, I think, in the tattoo community. Yeah, well, there was a lot of tattoos.

He can't undo his tattoos from any picture. I know, but it just looked a bit strange ways. I didn't like it. No, but I'll tell you what was good about that. I have a bath now with boss I didn't like it. No, but I'll tell you what was good about that. I have a bath now with Boz, and we've got a waterproof book, Freddy the Frog. And a waterproof book in the bath is really quite a boon.

I don't know what they don't do for adults. No, I would like that. Yeah. You can actually put it below the surface of the water and read it, which is amazing. But I'm thinking Robbie don't need that. He can just sit and read his dad. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, Frank, I'm interested to hear your views on this scrap of paper that has been under a great deal of scrutiny this week. Do you know what I'm talking about? Is it your birth certificate? I don't know. But it dates from a similar time. It's actually a piece of... I always get nervous about

this pronunciation. Do you say papyrus? I'd say papyrus. I'd say papyrus. Let's call the whole thing scroll. I would say papyrus as well just if you want it okay out of the three well it's from the second century a.d that's the key thing so so around there the triffids time okay yes um but apparently this paper suggests that mary magdalene now she was the naughty one wasn't she a bit of a naughty lady. But that's the theory. Yeah. She may have been married to Jesus

because on this piece of papyrus... This is Dan Brown again, isn't it? That's in the Da Vinci Code, isn't it? But Jesus refers to her as my wife. In a Northern Club comic way, he says, take my wife. In the midst of, yeah,

serving on the mount. Anyway, take my wife. Please. Well, in fact, in the same thing he also... Fishes anyone? Yeah. He also refers to my mother, and I think in law might have just come off, because I suspect, yeah, he would have,

as part of his material. But what do you think of this? Seriously, though. Seriously, what do I think? Well, what it is, it's from another gospel. There was loads of different gospels about, you know, all different views. And some got in the big book and some didn't. It's just one of the ones that didn't get in.

But I don't think it really... I mean, I would like to have been at that wedding. Yeah. That would be brilliant. Imagine when you went in and the usher said, yeah, bride's wife on the left and the groom's... Bride's family on the left, groom's family everywhere. Oh.

Wow. I wouldn't have minded going, because I bet there would have been loads of wine. Well, initially, but if there's any trouble, it would all become water. He could reverse if he had to. Or could he do the reverse? Oh, I never knew that. Oh, he had he had to. Or could he do the reverse? Oh, I never knew that.

Oh, he had a reverse gear. Or it could have been the reception. He could do Vulcan Death Grip. They could have had a reception and just loads of flatbread and fizzy wine that wasn't quite right, and him going, no, I've not been practising anything, what are you on about? If they find it's authentic,

will Mary Magdalene's descendant be able to claim half the universe? Oh, yeah. In the settlement. Unless there's a prenup. She was the first pedicurist, is what I'd like to call her. Yeah, the feet washing. They don't even know if that was her.

Was it not? And there's this thing about her being a... A bit Stringfellows. A prostitute! There's no evidence for that at all in the... The Lady of the Night. Yeah, she worked. There's no evidence for that. Church wedding,

do you think? Oh, lovely. Rather than just pop down the registry office and get it over with. You've got to support the family business a bit. Exactly. Seems wrong to me. You've got to with the family business a bit. Seems wrong to me. You've got to with the wife. Stag do?

I liked the... Quiet. Just the 13 of us. Just a bit of bread and wine, that'll do it. You sure? Yeah, that'll be fine. And this room, we've got this room to ourselves. Yeah, yeah, that'll be fine.

Frank, one of my favorite daily mail comments we're all fans of the daily mail comments here but some some chap commented when it was being poo-pooed the theory uh some chap commented that'll upset the feminist determined to marry him off i enjoyed that one it doesn't kind of make any sense either which i enjoyed why would the feminists want to marry him off all the all the best uh well i suppose they want to say behind every great man it does make it make it clear if he was married it does sort of back up the theory that he was a celibate and then he uh and then he very happily went to crucifixion

i like the fact that the single person laughed loudest at that joke. To me, any wedding where there isn't someone wearing a kilt is good. That's how I judge my weddings. What about when they said, till death us do part, and he said, why? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Somebody's texted Frank, I would like to buy my husband a fall album for his birthday. Which would you recommend?

Well, I always think... Pardon? Good luck. Or bon chance. I'd say if you want to buy him a greatest hits album there's one called 50,000 Fall Fans Can't Be Wrong. Oh, I've got that t-shirt. It's a good place to start. If you're a person who doesn't like Greatest Hits albums,

I'm suspicious of Greatest Hits. Yes, if you don't like the commercial aspect of the fall Greatest Hits. There's one called The Real New Fall Album, which I think is a good sort of gentle way in. A gentle way in. Or live at the witch trials if you want to go in at the deep end. Oh, that sounds nice. Or we could bankrupt this woman by saying go on iTunes and buy them all.

Buy every album. That's a lot of albums. Now that's what I call Marky Smith. That's what I buy. Frank, Jamie Barber has just tweeted us, at Frank on Absolute. He says, is this Papyrus the first Cliff Richard calendar? Yeah.

Excellente. He looked, is this papyrus the first Cliff Richard calendar? No. There you go. Excellent. Yes. He looked good in those days, Cliff. In those days? He looks good now. He still looks pretty good, Frank. Big mate of Jesus, of course. We'll be finding out.

Of course, it'd be an even bigger story if we found out Cliff was married. Oh, dear. Oh Oh dear. Oh dear. So, Frank, I'm going to take us into Fashion Corner briefly.

I wish we'd got... Can we see if I've got anything? You have a little hunt around Marky Smith style with the knobs there for a jingle.

We don't have an actual Fashion Corner jingle but there must be something that would fit the bill. That's so... This is a bit Paris Fashion Week. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah. That's good, Frank. Okay, fashion corner. Okay. So I had a fashion based incident this week. Lovely. No, not lovely. It was a disaster. I had a meeting this week with someone and shortly before the meeting

I spilt I spilt black Americano all over my Breton top. It wasn't good. So it was like a little map of Italy on my Breton top. You don't want that on a Breton top. That's very confusing. No. And it's not a good

look going in the bread on top is like that is one of those hoop blue and white hoops the blue and white stripe like what the shampoo gotier used to wear frank yeah yeah often combined with a kilt i didn't mind him in a kilt not at a wedding okay so i did what any what i would advise anyone to do in this situation, which is you go into the fashion cupboard to find a replacement item. Let me stop you there. Anyone who doesn't know, Emily works in the fashion business for a fashion magazine, and they have a thing not called the clothes cupboard,

where there are clothes you can get in such an emergency at a spilled coffee, but called the fashion cupboard, as if it contains the very essence of fashion in there. That's what I like. It's like me having a window in my house where I keep some very informative, wise readings. In many ways you do, thank you. Yeah, I do. So I needed a bit of a Clark Kent quick change. Yeah.

I found, I said, girls, get me another Breton. That's how I can be. I can just say, get me another Breton. Can you just give us a little, how big is the fashion cupboard? Oh, it's big. It's big. And it's filled with rails. I mean, it's a large room.

Oh, really? OK. Rail after rail of new clothes that you can just help yourself to. No, you can't help yourself, it's a large room. Oh, really? Okay. Rail after rail of new clothes that you can just help yourself to. No, you can't help yourself. The very idea. What are they for? No, they're for shoots. So, in an emergency, I would take this Breton 12.

I'd obviously pay for it. Of course I would. Let me write that down in French. Thank you. But it's useful in an emergency situation. There's a really strange noise going on. There's someone breaking into Absolute Radio. Maybe they can't hear it on air but it feels like

someone in a hover car has entered the building. I think that security guard's gone postal. He always had it in him. Lock that door. I know. It's time for the generation game. I'll tell you's time for the generation game.

I'll tell you what, can you bookmark this story? We will. I'm going to have a small break and we're going to investigate. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Can I just send out a big shout going out to the workmen upstairs? Can you cease and desist from the drilling temporarily? We've done a lot of big shouts going out. Yeah, we found out what the drilling was.

We love you. It turns out that Christian O'Connell has a small kiosk on the ground floor where he cuts keys and does minor shoe repairs on a Saturday. I didn't know. Called Christian O'Cobblers. Now, there are some workmen. They call them workmen. They might be quite nice.

I'll go and say hello later. So that's it. You probably didn't even hear it at home and don't care. But to us, it's like one of the big events that's ever happened at Absolute. Bear in mind, on a Saturday, there's no-one in Absolute. You probably imagine a throbbing radio station. There's no-one here. There's us and Tanya Snoggs.

And suddenly we heard drilling. We looked at Tanya through the window, she looked at us. It wasn't any of us. And you have to bear in mind, everyone has got their phone on airplane mode, so they're thinking, it's not a phone in a bag going... No, exactly. We know it can't be. But there's no-one in the building.

I can't tell you how much stuff we nick. Do you know what? I love a good rummage on the OC's desk, I won't lie. Those Little Chef lollipops. I've got plenty of those. He's got the hardback version of The Shades of Grey. I know, I saw that my boots. He's got the hardback version of the Shades of Grey book. I know, I saw that. Heavy.

Yeah, that'd be a good waterproof book if you could... So anyway, I think we're in the fashion cupboard. Well, in fact, yeah, Ricky has just tweeted us to say, my girlfriend suffered the same fate with tea at the Dorchester. Unfortunately, she had no fashion cupboard to hand. Well, there you go. Well, it is difficult. I was able to borrow Slash Pie.

Even Angela Merkel. Did you see that? A bloke dropped like three or four glasses of beer down. Oh, yeah. She needed a fashion cupboard. She did. She does generally, really. As I was walking... She needs locking in a fashion cupboard. I'll agree with you there.

After what they did to Anne Frank, you must admit there would be a certain justice in that. Extraordinary. The diary of Anne Winterson. Anyway, carry on. So I'm walking to my appointment in the borrowed item from the fashion cupboard, which I fully intend to pay for. What did you go for?

It was another Breton that but it had a lace detail. Lovely. I suddenly noticed, Frank, as I sat down and made myself comfortable, there's a giant plastic security disc. Oh, no. Not far from the chest area. Oh. And they are nipple-esque.

It wasn't a good look. No. I mean, shoplifting is not really a deal winner in the fashion industry no um so just as i was getting over that shock thinking what am i going to do i noticed giant sales tag hanging out one of those big cardboard ones you know and there were three at once like a pack of cards you look like paddington bear oh no i know you were able to rescue it in time? I ripped it off discreetly, the tag, and I threw it under the table, sort of Andy Murray tissue style.

But you know what I feel? I realised I felt so humiliated with the tag showing. It's my worst fear, that. I don't know why. I'm very phobic about exposed tags. The security tag, or just a normal label? Any label. Yeah.

I mean, you don't have a problem with it, I wouldn't have thought. I'm amazed no one ever told the Mad Hatter. They just let him walk around with the price on. People were very cruel in those. Yeah, the label thing, though. Now, I don't want to get saucy. You know, it's not in my nature. Okay.

But if you take a very finely crafted thong oh god did you say thumb? thong of a see through nature and their idea of them is that they're meant to be saucy and titillating

and then there's like a big label saying pound land when the notion of seeing through what you don't want to what you're hoping to see is you know it's um lovely um soft skin not not washing instructions yeah i think we've all leaned over in mid a passionate moment i thought had wash only that's a bit overcautious hate it. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Email Corner. You don't have to go to India to get real Indian food. Is that an old advert? Yeah. Only 30 yards from this cinema.

Whoever did that? Oh, you did, Frank. You remember a lot of old adverts. I bet Frank went to that restaurant. There used to be one. It's like a cartoon Sergeant Major. He used to be by saying, By the right, used cars. And then he talked about used cars.

Excellent. I remember one, I'm sorry, but I have to, my favourite was for Meadway Cars in London. And it had someone, and they were given, they were about to be shot by a firing squad. Okay. And then they were given, they had their kind of last request and they called a cab and they did that.

Oh, yeah. I loved it. Everyone used to speak like that on the phone in the 70s. Anyway, we're in an email corner. We haven't done an email yet. What's going on? Let me address that very problem right now. And I'm going to take a somewhat serious tone at the beginning, but I don't want you to be alarmed.

I love it when you do that. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, on the subject of whether to have one's bedroom door open or closed, we had a discussion last week or the week before, I don't know if you remember, but people have just tuned in. We were discussing somebody that emailed in and they went away with somebody who slept with the door open and they slept with it closed.

Yes. Which is correct. Which is right. Well. On the subject of whether to have one's bedroom door open, they slept with it closed. Yes. Which is correct. Which is right. Well. On the subject of whether to have one's bedroom door open or closed, it is recommended to have your door closed because if there is a fire, it will block smoke. Smoke inhalation while you are sleeping

is the leading cause of death from fire. Keep it light. If you have a working smoke alarm, I did say I'd do the serious voice. Yeah, exactly. And your door closed, it will increase your chances of survival should you have a fire. If Emily is ever in Vancouver and would like to go out with me...

No, you can't. He has. He only has. You can't have a night's move in a serious health warning. Public information announcement. It's a smart move, isn't it? If Emily's ever in Vancouver and would like to go out with me, keeping in mind it would probably destroy my marriage and happy family life, she is more than welcome.

Alex, 38, in jeans and black tour T-shirt, Vancouver. Do you know, I've always fancied dabbling with a Canadian. A bit less crude than the Americans. Yeah, I like a canuke. Yeah, I like the Canadians. And I've very briefly been to Vancouver, but it's nice. However, I'm not sure about the advice. Really? Because this thing about

if you shut the door, the smoke doesn't come in. Yeah. You see, the smoke tends to emanate from my bedroom. Also, what if you're in bed with Dr Cotton? Well, exactly. Let's face it, it wouldn't be the first time. That's a chapter of your book I missed.

Yeah, I sleep in quite a smoky bedroom because I have a Native American baby monitor. Oh, yeah. So we get various pops of smoke suggesting how upset he is and what sort of gurgling and all that. But also, I have a stable door on my bedroom. You know the one that opens half up? Yeah, so that I speak to tradesmen completely naked in the mornings. If, like, you know, the drill is upstairs, I would have called out from the bed. I'd have just leaned on it, you know, the drill is upstairs, I would have called out from the back.

I'd have just leaned on it, you know. It can be very cooling in the morning as well, as long as you watch out for the splinter areas. I could have done with a stable front door the other day. Got a delivery. I had a day off ill this week. Did you? I was not well. I had no idea.

I had to answer the door once. We'll talk about this off air in case it was a sexually transmitted disease but tell us the story no it's not a story just I had to answer the door I love you to call in sick to work you entered the door in a dressing gown I answered the door in a dressing gown

at like 2.30 in the afternoon or something to a delivery some sort of northern you-hefna. And I had to say to him, I'm off ill. Did you? I felt compelled to tell him. You can't just think that I'm a guy that's in his dressing gown and top and pyjamas at 2.30 in the afternoon.

I don't want him thinking that about me. No, you were right to put that. So I did. Good on you. You were right to put that in. So I did. Good on you. This is Frank Skinner of Smelly Radio. Emails, we're still in the email corner.

We need an exit jingle for it. Oh, yeah. We're leaving email corner. Maybe the same man that submitted the email corner jingle will rustle us one up. Why don't we do it in Bullseye when they lost? They did it in a minor key. That's what we'll do. Didn't they?

Yeah. I don't know if I can do that off the top of my head. I probably can. Mail corner. Yeah, there you go. Surprised myself with that one. This is from Tom Bennett. He says,

After the excitement of the Olympic parade, it was unlikely that Monday could be top. This is this Monday just gone. But the sight of Frank honing his pedestrian racing skills along the bank of the Thames certainly came close. Frank looked remarkably dashing for a man recovering from the rigours of parenthood and his recent toothache situation, decked out in a stylish green jacket.

Oh. Robin of Sherwood. With earphones firmly planted. Two questions came to mind. What audiobook is Frank listening to at the moment? And has the delectable Emily, his words, not mine, ever taken fashion advice from him? OK, darlings, love you loads.

Tom Bennett. Oh, he's very glasses on a lanyard, Frank.ard frank yes well i think that's a reference to you saying that oh well i think so his finger on the pole the green jacket was i believe was a cagoule really did you also have your walking shorts on was that i might have i i think that was uh i might have gone tracksuit bottoms that day but i might have gone no actually i think i, but I might have gone. No, actually, I think I would have been. Who can say? But definitely, I think that was a cagoule. Which I've only just learnt how to spell.

What about that? Cagoule? Yeah, I thought. How would you spell cagoule? Uh, K-A-G-O-U-L. I thought it was C. C-A-G, I'd go for. C-A-G what?

O-U-L. Oh. No. E. E, that's it. Yes. Cagoule, apparently, is a brand name with a K. Oh, is it?

It is. C-A-G-O-U-L-E. I didn't know that. Spelling here on... If you thought you were listening to Radio 4, you were wrong. But I am listening to a very interesting book. But maybe I'll tell you in the third hour. When the moon is in the seventh hour,

everybody and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will rule the planet. I don't feel people are joining in. I'm no psychic, but I just don't feel they are. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Let me hear you say yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I was talking about my... Yeah, because Tom Bennett had emailed and he'd had a sighting of you and wanted to know what audio book you were listening to. I'm actually currently listening to a thing called Jack's Book, which is a sort of collection of Jack Kerouac.

You know Jack Kerouac? Oh, yeah. I thought it was JFK's Little Black Book. That'd be interesting reading. That'd be a long read. Well-thumbed. And he certainly was. Is that a chapter?

It would have been if he went out with women nowadays because their thumbs are getting bigger because they're texting. Anyway, yes, so Jack Kerouac was I recommend. It's a fabulous, fabulous audio book. And it's the sort of book, Jack Kerouac was very much into jazz. It's the sort of book jack carrow was very much into jazz

it's the sort of book that could make you get into jazz if that was possible which obviously isn't jazz is so awful not a fan from that i'm not oh i've tried you know i've really tried because it's a cool thing to like what about cleo lane that's like a bit of cleo lane no i've never been down there but I've heard that there is a good club down there. I didn't mind that. Cleo Lane's for the I'm finished. I'm finished. Do you think I'm finished? That's what she is. I might talk with the baby afterwards

to see how he likes it. She was scatty, I think we could safely describe her. Well, I think that was the drains. William S. Borers is also featured in that book. Do you know him? Yeah. Oh, he's another one of those, is what I call that lot. Yes, he is.

Well, let's not be homophobic. Although he was married, of course, briefly and um until him and his wife were playing william tell um at a party william tell i don't know if you know is that you put a something on your head like a glass and the other person has to shoot it off with a real gun really and they did that with a glass i imagine it was a shot glass. Very good. And he went a bit low and took the top of her head off. Is that right? Willie MS Boris, yeah. That I did not know.

So don't try that at home, anyone listening. Stick to charades. You might have a few rows, but you generally will be able to... If you go out raining, it won't get on your brain. A little bit of advice there. I like the fact that you recommended the book you're reading. I have long said that we should start some kind of Frank Skinner book club, but today, now, I think we should start two things,

the Frank Skinner book club and the Frank Skinner dream analysis clinic. Yeah, not a dream, because people will start sending in their dreams, and then I'll have to move to Smooth FM. And I don't want to drown in booblay. I don't think anyone does, really, do they? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Here's what we need to talk about.

A story this week about a woman who was high on drink and drugs and stole a passenger ferry I was here all the time! And then crashed into boats shouting, I'm Jack Sparrow, has been jailed. Strict. Alison Whelan.

Seems a bit strict, doesn't it? I like she said, I'm Jack Sparrow, I'm Spartacus. Yeah, butaylen seems unfair they should have made her walk a plank really shouldn't they the daily mail yeah the daily mail said that she claimed that she'd have ended up in santa pa if they hadn't caught her i like that she didn't claim that did she she speculated yeah also it's a bit of fred goodwin it's also a bit of the arrogance of somebody really drunk that just assumes that, oh, if you'd let me do that, I would have done it really well and ended up in somewhere good.

There's all sorts of title considerations. Frank, can I tell you what else? My favourite thing. I feel like the idea should have sobered up and been reading, like, C charts. Hold on, it turns out, if I'm not mistaken... Hold on, pass us that sextant. Turns out I'm not mistaken, it passes that sextant. Turns out I've ended up in Saint-Tropez. Can I say my favourite thing about this story,

other than the fact that she was drinking Lambrini, was the fact that she shouted to police at one point, I believe this is out of your jurisdiction. Which is so someone who's watched Miami Vice too many times. Someone who used to listen to Radio Caroline and has thought

I'm offshore now so they can't touch me not true absolutely not she might well have used to listen to Radio Caroline she's 51 in the picture she did not look unlike Jack Sparrow she looked a bit like that

you know that one who's sort of half fish in Pirates of Thing? The man with the sort of decaying ghost face. Yeah. Who's got like Bill Nighy? Yeah. No, he does play him. I think he does. Yes, and what I'm saying is she has to slightly paraphrase

Anne Widdicombe, she has something of the Nighy about her. I know what you mean, the smeared eyeliner and the slightly Tim Minchin hair. Yeah, she's a bit Minchin. I think Minchin is what they described her as in the Oh no, Mingi, sorry.

She shouted I'm a pirate, which I think that was quite an unwise admission. But the odd thing, I know nothing about modern decadence at all i've i've heard of lambrini okay i think i used to that's not really decadence frank it's a bit poundland oh we shouldn't probably be rude about lambreni it's a lovely drink it's a very nice scooter but what are you gonna say she also had been eating deadly nightshade is that what it says yeah now i didn't know i didn't know you could eat

deadly nightshade i i thought it said something like that she'd been eating hallucinogenic plants mushrooms no i'm afraid it was deadly nightshade goodness which i then looked up on wikipedia because i thought it was a killer all i knew about it is there used to be a kid in Dennis the Menace's gang called Dudley Nightshirt. Oh. I don't remember him. But anyway, now people do use it. They used to use it for poison-tipped arrows. Is that right?

But now they use it as an hallucinogenic drug. Can you believe that? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question. Can you believe it? Yes. Yeah. I was knocked out by... So what happened?

They basically... I used to have a poison-tipped arrow myself. Fine. But, you know, antibiotics. Fine. I didn't know. I think it's quite an old-fashioned crime. It certainly made me quiver.

Sorry, carry on. It is old-fashioned crime. Certainly made me quiver. Sorry, carry on. What, old-fashioned? Never end. What, piracy? It is old-fashioned. It's a bit like an old smuggler. I like it. But she doesn't realise now,

because there's maritime police and things involved and nautical patrols, I think she probably did think she could just carry on. Well, it says, in a strange ending to the story, it says that she's due for uh uh a liver transplant soon did you read that bit i'm sure this will push her right to the top of the list yeah i hope she's going to use it wisely it's like she's used up that one so she's just changing the filter and carrying on no so what a character she I mean, she's someone who would have slotted in very easily

with the likes of Blackbeard. Can't think of any other pirates. Can you name any other pirates? Long John Silver, was he a pirate? He was. I don't think he was real, was he? Oh, Captain Pugwash. Oh, yeah.

I'm pretty sure he was real. I think, actually, I met him at Premiere You've worked with them all So that was Alan Yentor Oh god yeah you're right I've made such a fool of myself This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio I have a confession to make today. OK, do you want me to put the grill up or are we going to do it face to face? No, not that kind of confession. Oh, OK. It'll be first time for everything, I suppose. You'd be surprised, it's very cleansing.

Is it? So I hear. I'll be honest, my wife has lost the plot. Oh dear. It's gone. We've given up the allotment. We had a conversation and said, this is too much work for too little return. I think we got one courgette.

What? From an allotment? From a whole allotment out of a year and a half. It was a really big one. No, apparently. Oh, what a beauty. I've never seen one as big as that big you love a vegetable base song i do it was um it was actually too big for a courgette um she said to me i picked it too late and i went what are you talking about that looks like a really good that's that's the problem

if you pick a courgette too late it becomes marrow does it really yeah no one likes marrow who likes marrow they grow into marrows every day's a school day as mr skinner would say yeah yeah i never knew that a lot of kids listening where's my blazer they're saying they're not actually they're saying where's my sweatshirt with a school badge on unless they go somewhere where's my blazer and boater? Where's my DS guy? I love the idea of having an allotment. It's closeness to the earth and all that. This is it. I have to be honest. We're only in our thirties

and I think that is the problem. Just? It's the idea of the allotment is better than the reality of an allotment. So Peugeot were right. I know they said the reality is even better than the dream. Not when it comes to allotments. So Peugeot were right. I know they said the reality's even better than the dream, didn't they? Not when it comes to allotments. And I think perhaps it might be that I'm quite a tall man

and once we'd got past the point of digging and it being quite a nice, satisfying graft, it was then like weeding. Can I ask you a practical question? I've never been to an allotment. Yeah, ask me some practical questions about it. I've seen them on telly, because I think one of the characters in EastEnders had it.

Can I just get back on my chair? I've fallen off, because the shock that Emily's never been to an allotment. I thought you'd have one, Em. Surely. You mean, in Style magazine, don't have a plot that you all go down and do? They have the allotment cupboard,

where you go in and get some parsnips. Did you run low? What happens on an allotment? Nothing. One courgette in a year and a half, nothing happened. Are there toilet facilities? No. So what do you do and what do you eat?

There's toilet facilities if you're a horse. Oh, how dare you. Do you take sandwiches? Yeah. You grow sandwiches, that's the idea. You're not going to chew an old courgette, are you? No. You do go past allotments that are absolutely...

Where can I find them? That's a good question. Where are they? Where are all the allotments? What? Motorway, on the motorway. I don't like to answer any question with Google, but if you want to find your local

allotment, then Google's probably... They're not easy to get. There's a waiting list usually for them. Oh, now I like them. There was a waiting list. Three years we waited for ours. It's terrible that you've left. We've given it up in a year and a half. You're sure you didn't you and your wife didn't taste from the fruit of the

tree of the knowledge of good and evil and were banished from the... No, we did get a warning letter about six months ago saying, could you tidy your allotment up? It's got a bit overgrown. Who sends you that? God. The powers that be.

Well, there's messenger on earth, so, you know, a lady that... It's funny you should say that, because I tasted of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and immediately cancelled my membership of the Katherine Jenkins fan club. By the way, on the subject of Katherine Jenkins, do you know where she's from? I always feel slightly tense when you say on the subject of Katherine Jenkins. I don't know why that could be. Where do you say where she's from, where she hails from.

Yeah, where she hails from. Where she's Welsh, is she? Where she hails from. Where she hails from. She's from Hades, isn't she? She's from Wales, and she's from a place called Neith, which is so obviously beneath. So obviously that she's from beneath.

I mean, all the clues are there. How long before we see Sopana? People are just letting it... Oh, anyway. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

When your allotment's getting a bit overgrown and it's clear that you've lost interest in it, is it like when you're in a car, you know, when you sit in a car and then someone who thinks, oh, they're obviously leaving, comes and pulls up and waits for you to pull up? Are there people hanging around

waiting for your allotment to come up? Well, I suppose, yeah. Not in their physical being, but they're on a list and they've been on it for three years. That's why you get a telling off. You've met someone very happy. Let's look at it that way as a positive thing. That's a good way of looking at it.

It's not that we've given it up. It's that they've got it. Enid! Enid! There's a letter from allotment people. Come quickly! Gather the children! Yeah. So will be a letter as well. They won't have email. Enid come, come quickly. Gather the children. Yeah. So will be a letter as well. They won't have email. Enid's got no email.

No, they phone you. They phone you. They phone you on the home phone, I bet, as well. Exactly that. Oh, we were startled. I bet they do. Phoned on the landline. Hello? Dugley 2908? You know that? What? I think I've got a landline somewhere in the back.

You think you've got a landline? I think I put it in a cupboard, but it's still plugged in. It's probably in the cupboard with all the other stuff that you've not used for a while. Have you got stuff you've given up on? I know you had a hula hoop, and that's gone. Oh, well, it's still there, but I haven't hooped for a while. But also there was the great row of New Year's Eve 2010, I believe.

I've never really got back. What was that? I'll tell you what I have given up on. I think I've accepted the fact I will never be in Doctor Who. Have you? I got my manager... Why would you want to? I'm going to fess up to this. I got my manager to phone up the Doctor Who people

when I heard this series was being filmed. You shut up. And I said, look, I'm happy to be in a monster outfit. I'll just walk by in the background. I just want to be able to say. Oh, my God, this is an humiliating thing. Regional sci-fi? That's what you want to be in?

You're one of the comic greats. I think it is national. You are one of the comic greats and you are aspiring towards regional sci-fi. Can you take that term, you're one of the comic greats, and put it out on the trailer? Frank, I don't want you being in that. It's bad for your brand. We'll discuss it in the break.

If I'm dressed as a cyberman, who's going to know? No, and the kind of actors in it are all people in the Gold Blend advert. I won't have you doing that. It's true. I don't like Doctor Who. Did they say no, though?

He never mentioned it again, so I take it he couldn't break it to me. I mean, I would have happily just been, you know, a man playing darts back at Rover's Return while Kembala talks to someone. Maybe not Kembala. But, um... He doesn't speak anymore.

So I've given up now. I'll never be in Doctor Who. Oh, Frank. Well, I can't say I'm sad for you. I think it's a narrow escape. But it's as sad as the allotment, but in a different way, I think you'd agree. Well, what you need to do is do the same as you've just said I should do. Rather than you think of it that you're not on Doctor Who,

just think that an actor is getting a role. Yeah, but is there, though? Or is there just an empty chair behind Doctor Who, which I would have been in? That's what gets me. Oh, you might have done an accent as well. I think you would have. Yeah, you could have done. But then if you'd had a monster mask, you wouldn't have had a speaking part.

Well, I would, because based on that. Well, there you go. I think that was wonderful. That's, you know, they don't know what they... And seen. Is that what they say? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that you and your acting experience.

Maybe you should try for it. I'd love it. I'm available. Alan, ticket's still available. Yeah, it'm available. Alan, ticket's still available. It's available. I've got a little bit of mascara. You could be Davros. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

As ever, if you get something slightly wrong on the show, people are keen to correct you. I don't know. I don't know if I've ever got anything wrong on the show. No, really. I once said... I've only been doing it about four years. And you said you wanted to be in Doctor Who. That was a low point. That wasn't factually incorrect.

Yes, I think you'll find it turned out to be, my friend. Well, not wanting to be. Being on it was factually incorrect. I once said skillet instead of trivet and the whole switchboard nearly blew up. Remember that? But I believe, Emily, we've had a tweet saying We won't even go into descots.

Courgettes don't grow into marrows. I did express some doubt about that. Well, I'm just saying, Steph Connolly, and that sounds female says everyone knows a courgette doesn't turn into a marrow it just grows into a bigger courgette well it's still part of the marrow family evidently by the fact that i didn't know that everyone doesn't know that steph hey come on take this outside come on shake hands and forget about it i well i i don't know

i don't i'm not much of a gardener, but I'm with Steph. I don't think you just let... Do you think a pea would become a watermelon if you just let it go? Yeah, that's what happens. It's nature. No, I don't think it's... A newer way to question. It's not like evolution where you have to catch them early or they become something else.

Anyway, the good news is we've also had a... Do you think if you let a chimpanzee live a long time, it would become a human being? Yeah, that's what happened with Shakespeare, innit? Have I misunderstood? I think you're right about Shakespeare. Dear Frank, talking of allotments, I have a pumpkin plant with one huge pumpkin

and 20 the size of a walnut. Only took four months. Should be OK for Christmas. See, that's what it's like. The thing is, they're on that apple tree that he didn't tend. 20 the size of a walnut. Only took four months. Should be okay for Christmas. Yeah. See, that's what it's like. The thing is, they're on that apple tree that he didn't tend. Such ridiculous nonsense. What else?

Well, I'll tell you what else. We've also had an email in, but I think Alan ought to read it, actually. Yeah. Because it concerns me. Yeah, you're right. Oh, OK. Dear Mr Radio, the Cockerel and the Delightful Miss Dean, as I'm a few weeks behind on the podcasts, I was busy concocting a sham premise for an email

so that I could crowbar a night's move, invite to Emily to join me on a night out in Liverpool. I was therefore upset to discover that she had been here last week and I missed my chance. Oh. Anyway, things probably wouldn't have worked out as I'm a bit old for her. Age 31.

Oh. I just need a drink. Is that the time? And I'm afraid to say that I do occasionally still wear a bootcut jean. Oh, it's gone clocks and... Oh, that's too dangerous. It's actually gone Hammond.

You can't go out with a man in a bootcut. You could become entangled. Well, Richard Hammond's wife has got to. He's done a nice little joke here, though. Still, Emily, if you're ever back in the Hard Day's Night Hotel, brackets, or up here as a day tripper, nice. No, I've stopped taking those now. I don't want to take over the boat.

Leave it, he didn't mean that, leave it. Go on, sincerely, Tom in Liverpool. P.S. If not, could you please pass my details on to R. Keith and ask if he fancies a couple of pints of Miles? Hang on! I'm sorry. I thought he was asking me out on a date. It's me slash R. Keith. He's anybody, isn't he?

I mean, I don't have direct contact at the second with R. Keith, but I'm guessing he does fancy a couple of pints of Miles. Well, that's a lovely invite. I bet there's people listening that don't know what mild is. That's the modern world. I thought you were going to say there's people listening that don't know what a keith is, because we haven't introduced it.

Yeah, he's my brother. Can I thank Tom for his offer? You can. And I'd like to say I will see him down at the Taxi Driver's Sports and Social Club. Nice. I believe it's in the Walton area, L4. Nice.

Blackberry had a child, Bam-ba-lam, the damn thing drank mild. Nice. I believe it's in the Walton area, L4. Nice. Blackberry had a child, bam-ba-lam, the damn thing drank mild. Okay. Frank, we've had another email in. I love it. Yes. My, we're popular. This is from Australia. No way.

Just in this show today, we've heard from Liverpool, Vancouver and Australia. Yeah. I also had a voice in my head saying... Anyway. I couldn't think of anything that it would say that wouldn't be too shocking to say on radio, so I had to stop that one, I'm sorry. I'm glad you gave it some thought. I'll do the didgeridoo over the top of this one. Okay say that wouldn't be too shocking to say on radio so i have to stop that one i'm sorry i'm glad you gave it some thoughts i'll do the i'll do the didgeridoo over the top of this one and i'll read it that won't be distracting um this is from the gold coast sorry everyone if you can't hear this australia driving home driving home from work

listening to your potty he actually said podcast and suddenly find myself singing There was a man who had a dog and bingo... Oh, I tongue it wrong. I don't know how you sing it. Yeah, bingo was his name. Does it go... Yeah, bingo was his name. Well, I don't do it that thing. I do it with Bobby Bingo.

B-I-N-G-O, Bingo. At Frank's request. What a great way to start a weekend. Oh, he joined in. Somebody did join in. Yes, thanks for the smile you put on my face. He should be singing dingo, really, not bingo. That's his jurisdiction.

Yes, I think they're still in disgrace. We all know why, don't we? No, it's not good. It's not good. Funnily enough, I've recently picked up a Frank Skinner trait. You know, you said on the show that whenever you fill up your room... Was it from my poison arrow? No not that trick okay thankfully um i had the antibiotics as well um what's it called uh when when you fill up your money from the cash machine you always sing brass in pocket

yeah by the pretenders i've now started to have uh life, because when I arrive back at the house on for meal, the dog sometimes jumps up on the couch that's in the window, and if I'm with the children, I will say, how much is that doggy in the window? And so now that's one of the little tunes of my life. Does he go row-frow for exactly the right point? The dog? Yeah.

No. And also we've become friends on the street with a woman called Susan, so whenever my wife says that she's going to Susan's, I will go, going over to Susan's house. So that's another one. Is that actually a song you've made up? No, that's an Eels song. Yes, I do know that.

You sound slightly strained when you're saying it. Is everything all right between you and Susan? Everything's fine between me. OK, good. Well, my son, Buzz, has got a cuddly toy called Monsieur Gingham. I've called him that. Monsieur Gingham? I call him Monsieur Gingham because he has quite big ears and a

tail which are made of gingham material. This is very Gwyneth Paltrow, Monsieur Gingham. I don't know why, Monsieur. Smuggling in lessons. Yes. How dare you? We have yet, we've had a long debate me and Kath about whether it's a mouse or an elephant. Because the snout is a bit ambiguous.

So I do a song with, when I'm playing with Boz, I make Monsieur Gingham dance. Oh, I make him dance. And it goes, Monsieur Gingham, Monsieur Gingham, Monsieur Gingham is here. Monsieur Gingham, Monsieur Gingham is here. Monsieur Gingham, Monsieur Gingham, elephant or mouse, it's not clear. And then the mid-light goes, though they are arch enemies, he could be either of these.

Monsieur Gingham. I hope Boz is listening to this now. He'll be like, where's that voice coming from? Elephant or mouse, it's not clear frank yes um we've had have we got time for another email who can say well i don't know chuck it in um but madame tartan which is what i'm calling the producer on account of her shirt today perhaps because i've been in the yukon so this That's a gay club in Harrow. Yeah.

We've had an email in. Hi, Frank, lovely Emily and Alan. Your Richard Adams story last week, that was your mistaken identity, Frank, when you thought, you've already referred to it, actually, haven't you? You thought Richard Adams was... No, I thought Douglas Adams. Douglas Adams.

Your Richard Adams story last week reminded me of one of my most embarrassing moments. A good friend got his VIP backstage passes to a Jules Holland concert. Free booze and food. After overindulging, I plucked up the courage to talk to Ruby Turner, who was supporting Jules. I told her how disappointed I was that her set didn't include her big hit single, I Will, which is one of my favourite songs. Different Ruby, honey, she replied and walked off. Ruby Winters, of course. Of course.

What a chump I am. Of course, that was Ruby Winters. Similar thing happened to me. I went up to Ruby Turner and asked her why she shot Lee Harvey Oswald. That didn't go down so well. If you don't mind me saying, I think Ruby sounds a bit precious. Oh, no, I've just... Oh, very good.

I made a joke. Oh, I see, it was a joke. Fabulous. I just recently worked with Ruby. She was lovely. I've worked with them all. She's all right. She's no Miss Jiggingham, though.

Who is? She might bring her Miss Jiggingham. I'll run it by her. I think I've got it on an acetate I'm actually having an acetate as we speak Coming up is Vicky Blyte She's next

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise We'll be back again this same time next week and believe me we love you all This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio And believe me, we love you all. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.