The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Top Down

Episode Date: September 15, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. They discuss topless Kate, Andy Murray, time wasting and the dangers of Jaffa Cakes.

Frank, Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio, Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I hope Anton Ferdinand got that hand buzzer I sent him. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, with Emily Dean and with Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, or you can follow us on Twitter, using at Frank on Absolute.

Now, can I start, before we go any further, by saying I was shocked, horrified and upset by the topless photographs. Oh, yeah. I think it's disgusting. I'm talking, of course, about the new Cliff Richard calendar, which is previewed in the papers this morning. Oh, lovely. How old is Cliff? 72. I'll tell you.

Well, he says, I'm making 70 the new 50. Yeah. If I was 72, I think I'd be bringing my calendars out a month at a time. Like the game-by-game contract that players prone to injury sometimes take up. I think he looks smoking hot. He's got good abs. I mean, he's got a much better body than I have. Let me make that absolutely clear.

The face, I could, you know, I don't know if I'd swap for the face. You've got a better face. Yeah, the face looks, it seems to be the same face on every picture. So I'm thinking he maybe had one when he thinks, yeah, I only look about 70 on that. We'll use that and just move it about a bit.

Or it's lots of, like, dishy younger men wearing those face masks that you see sometimes. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, what if it was that? I'm just looking for elastic. Right. Can I just say, I'm not sure about a gold trouser in a Caribbean location, though. Well, I think that's good.

It's impractical. It reflects the sunlight and keeps everything cool downstairs. I like the one where he's on the jet ski it's got a touch of the Vladimir Putin about it. You know when he catches fish or goes scuba diving or something. Mussolini used to

do that. Right. Any photograph Mussolini photo opportunity, he'd take his shirt off and Putin's taking exactly the same so it's Mussellini, Putin and Cliff Richard the big three that'd be a great pub quiz question what have they got in common

so yeah he looks he does look amazing he does and do you know he says in the accompanying interview, which I think is almost Pulitzer Prize winning, some of the stuff they've got out of him.

It's on the long list. Yeah. Cliff says, I'm never going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I can't argue with that. No, I think he doesn't believe in coming back, Cliff. No. No, he's not a Buddhist. But guess what?

This doesn't happen by chance, these abs. He says, when I know my calendar is coming up, I go to the gym for about three months before every other day. So let that be a lesson to you boys. I can do that in three months. That's absolutely brilliant. Yeah, and they can make your hair that colour as well. Of course, if ever there was a man who doesn't need love handles,

it's Cliff Richard. Enjoying neither love nor being handled in any way. No, he's just... That's a nice friend that he lives with. Well, you know... I think he's a... Isn't there friends? Does he live with anyone? Yes, he does.

I thought he just lived with his record collection. No's i met cliff he was um he's got a nice fella he calls him his property manager yeah there we go i like i love her an elaborate euphemism no brilliant of course it means a very low profile character in the old days to finish a gig he wouldn't be off with you know he wouldn't be around with fans and all that and he was off with his manager he just used to slip into the shadows so um what else what else is going on well well what about kate yeah we should talk about kate shouldn't we we should let's call her our princess of hearts shall we yeah you could start something there yeah that'd be good i think

i um what did you think what did you think i mean you're a lady do you want me to give a review of what i think of i don't want you to talk about her actual okay no i just what can i say do you think it's it's bad or oh i think it's disgraceful but i do think i was surprised she was what i call a roof down girl i didn't think she'd be that kind of girl well i think you know one has to sacrifice many things when you become a member of the royal family and i thought one of them might be topless sunbathing yes i think you could be right because what you get back is not bad someone said to me topless sunbathing but here's a palace and you have to work again i know where i'd opt actually i'd work obviously i'd still come here but yeah i wouldn't come here topless like I normally do.

You could walk it, though, from the palace. No, I'd come by... I'd love to arrive with one of them golden coaches hats on four horses on a Saturday morning. Because you'd be sitting in there and you'd be like... Oh, here comes Frank. And then it'd be Shep pulling it. Yeah, I'm afraid Shep is no longer with us.

I know. Wish you hadn't brought that up. Oh, God, I can feel that. Can you hear that on my chest? It's welling up. Welling up over it. Yeah, we need to decide about this, Sam, because I'm concerned about it.

I'll be straight with you. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, meanwhile, over at a villa, a certain lady has been sunbathing. Can I just say, Daisy, the producer, gave her opinion just now. It wasn't asked for, but, you know, nevertheless. She said, oh, I think it's really nice. It means they still fancy each other because she's sunbathing topless. I said um with

my slightly more bitter world view no actually because i think that's a very bad sign i think it's all gone wrong the fact that she can lie there naked and he's not jumping on her and doesn't see her in a sexual way well wow i mean he's a member of the royal family a certain decorum observed at all times i think some traditions in that department as well. I think they have. They do, definitely. I think we had a texter say that she wasn't sunbathing at all. We had 642 texted in saying she was changing not sunbathing, but

I don't know. That's not... Provided no secondary evidence. Bear in mind the seven or eight photographs, some of them she's just sitting there, so I don't think that's correct. I'm not saying I've gone on the internet and looked at them, but why are they so blurry? I'd kill for all my photos in the press to be that blurry. If I appeared in the press, I think, wearing just a small pair of briefs... Oh, God.

The only thing I'd get is brochures from Swiss death clinics. But, I mean, everyone's said there's a lot of hypocrisy and all this lot because they blah, blah. There is, I must say, what really upset me was that the same paper refused my pictures of Katherine Jenkins beheading a goat, which I had on a secret camera. You know, all this talk of bad taste then and, you know, invasion of her privacy.

Did they think you were kidding? That's absolutely tremendous. Thank you. Oh! Oh, I just got it. It's absolutely tremendous and no bots. No, you see, I do... I think...

I like the way he's got angry on her behalf. It's made him quite sexy. I can see that. Because I was looking at the pictures thinking, for God's sake, William, put a hat on. You'll burn. You'll burn to pieces. Anything to cover the pack.

Which at least gets some factor 28 on that ball back. He should have a little baseball cap. He should. There should be a man. Who does that? Yeah. Give me a hat. Jackson, get me a hat.

Jackson. Not a crown. Jackson. Not a crown. That's the worst thing I need, a crown. Give me a hat, Jackson. It covers the... Not a clown.

Prince William on holiday there. He can't wear a baseball cap I love that he turned into Richard the Furt That's how he talks No he needs to wear a baseball cap That's a bit Johnny Bryant Google him But really rich people can't

Really rich people can't Exactly that's the weird thing isn't it It is an invasion of privacy And you think well she was only sat in her sunbathe And she wasn't it It is an invasion of privacy And you think, well, she was only sunbathing She wasn't sucking toes Or changing, one of the two There's a bit where she's sort of Leaping up, taking off her top

Extraordinary You know when you see Superman leaving the phone box And there's still remains of his shirt And suit falling away from him It was like that Like there'd been an emergency in a nearby town and she'd said, hold on a minute, it's time for Topless Princess. And she'd gone into her outfit and off she'd flown.

Yeah. It was quite exciting. When I say exciting, I mean disgusting. Yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about our Princess of Hearts being caught out by the evil paparazzi in the bushes.

Wasn't it just one? One rogue Frenchman, they reckon. Was it a Frenchman? We don't know that. Do we know that for sure? They think it was a rogue Frenchman. Yeah, yeah. We don't know that. Do we know that for sure? They think it was a rogue Frenchman. I don't know why I keep saying that, but apparently it was a mile away. Wow, what? A mile? It's amazing what they can do now, isn't it?

Oh, see, I'm having one of my technology moments there. I must say that out loud about four times a week, it's amazing what they can do now. It's in my favour, what will they think of next? Oh, really? And people around me think it's a rhetorical question and it isn't i'm actually trying to find out what i think of next up and buy into it now that tomorrow's world isn't on the table and i've sat to my personal advisors for finance i'm trying to find out what they're actually will come up with next obviously i sat them because they broke me.

They broke me like one might break a twig on a riverbank. Oh, God, I find that awkward. But I did like the fact that William got angry. Yes, I did. Because that's what you want. That suggests that, you know, looking... There's something about, yeah, the prince looking after his princess. It was very hot.

And to sue someone, which the royal family never practically unheard of crockery i reckon he do you think i reckon he threw something i heard he put three servants in hospital he was so angry even he beat you up and he made one jump off a balcony. Even Jackson. Even Jackson, his beloved Jackson. Now Jackson fled. He's changed his tune, though, because if you remember that famous... Oh, Jackson. Jackson always sticks to the same tune. It is truly subservience.

But he... Famously, Kate appeared in a fashion show, didn't she, at St Andrews University? Oh, yes, yeah. That see-through front. I mean, she had things covered up. And he said to a friend, Wow, Fergus, Kate's hot.

Is that right? Yeah. He changed his tune quite a bit. Yeah. And now it's basically, I'd say, in a judicial format, it's, are you looking at my missus, is the new approach that he's taken on. Yes. are you looking at my missus, is the new approach that he's taken on. Yes.

You looking at my missus? He's gone a bit Birmingham man. He has, yeah, which is obviously always a good thing. But it'll be good to see how that pans out, I think. Yes. Oh, yeah. Pans out. I feel like I'm going through the papers on Sky News.

Yeah. Because, yeah, that pans out. Dave, you found an interesting story in the Telegraph. What was that? What? See, I think... I said you found an interesting... What?

Oh. Going to the advert. Oh. There you go. I think I remember when people started suing each other. I remember in the playground, people saying, in America, someone sued McDonald's because their coffee was hot. And I remember...

No, do you know what it used to be? It used to be those Apple turnover things. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes. One of those. Yes, that was more our era, the Apple turnovers. Right. Part of the face away.

Yeah, yeah. Right, right. The bottom part of the face. People didn't. I think it was tied in with the Phantom of the Opera story at our school. Isabel Dinois. Yeah, this bloke had one of those hot apple turnovers and he had to live, like, in the bells of the earth

underneath an opera house. Oh, do you know, that's making my stomach go now. I'd love one of those apple turnovers now. We'll get you one. I can't. Hello. I forgot I've got headphones on. That really hurt.

Well, we don't do a lot of slapstick on this show I feel like a batsman who's had a bouncer in the grid I haven't been physically struck by it but the reverberations are going round and round my head Yes, we had a text about... We did. We had a text saying, Frank, what worries me most about the photos of the princess

is that it could have been someone hiding undetected with a gun, not a camera. Good point. They must have been watching them for quite a while. Well, you say it's a good point. That's from Julian Birmingham. I'm not sure we're the people to bring this security-based point to. Well, no, I shall action that.

And also... Action it. I don't think, from a mile away, I think you can afford to be a little bit less accurate with a long-lens camera than, like, a rifle. No, that was no grassy knoll he was on. No, no, but from a mile away, he could have had a scud. What about that?

I mean, my first thought when I saw it was, you know, from that, what if he'd have had one of those red laser key rings? Oh, yeah. He could have made her look right stupid, dancing from nipple to nipple. Hi. Yeah, well, you know, I've always felt that Hitler would not have taken over Germany if those red

laser key rings existed then because he'd have done those big dramatic speeches and people have been dancing around on his face in one of those people thought he's just an idiot that blow that blow the red squiggly bits forget about it that's my theory so this week I've been um I've been doing a bit of team writing. Oh, lovely. Writing sort of... For West Brom? Yeah. Yeah, we've already written an entire midfield. Now, sort of writing jokes as a team with some other guys for a television thing.

Sort of the writing room. Yeah, it's a strange experience. Because I'm a bit of a lone wolf when it comes to writing jokes normally so it can be quite tense. I can imagine. You know, you come up with a joke you think is the best idea you've ever had in your life and there's just a terrible silence.

Oh, that's not good. It is awful and then you just have to go so, or we could... Oh, God. See, I have a method which not everyone finds less worrying. If they say a joke, I'm not that keen, and I'll say, yeah, it's a bit of an Elton John.

Oh. And, which means it's a little bit funny. Oh. Do you explain this to them beforehand? Oh, the first time I do it, actually. No, I say it, well, I wait until the first time I say it, so I say, that's a bit of an Elton John. They say, what do you mean? And I'll say so that's a bit of an Elton John they say what do you mean

and I'll say it's a little bit funny little bit and then there's not a terrible awkwardness and on we move there was one brilliant moment you know there's a recurring joke that I do that if someone like if you said to me

do you know Vanessa May I'd say no but thanks for the tip well it doesn't work with everyone No but it works with anyone called May And also there are other versions Also Brian and Vanessa Yeah Brian, Vanessa and Teresa Oh yeah

Do you know Victoria Wood? No but thanks for the tip Yeah there's a lot of people that have got those surnames Yeah so we were sitting in the writing room And who should walk past but James May from... Oh, Frank. And I just turned to the bloke next to me and said, no, but thanks for the tip, and he got it. Oh.

Because I'd done that joke so many times. And how marvellous. James May is a walking punch... Well, not a punchline, he's a feed. Did he have a... He's a feeder as well, apparently. I heard he was a feeder as well. Paisley shirt and a greyed bleach jean on. He had a punchline. He's a feed. Did he have a... He's a feeder as well, apparently. I heard he was a feeder as well. Paisley shirt and a grey bleached jean on.

He had jean. That is more or less exactly what he had on. I couldn't tell, but there was a hint of cowboy boot. Oh, really? Which, they'll get any worse than that. If only I'd had a high-power rifle. Anyway, when me and David B but they used to write together we used to because we wrote sketches we used to have what we called our rent-a-ghost card so somebody said

well we could have a thing where wayne rooney comes into a room and blah blah and say oh a bit rent-a-ghost yes i understand that yeah and uh like it's a bit too childish and all that. But there is one thing in the writing room which is causing me... which I think is actually endangering my life. I'll come to that in a minute. Oh, wow. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, Jaffa Cakes. Over in the writing room. Yeah. What happens is that we start... Jaffa Cakes, the problem. I thought you were just calling Emily Jaffa Cakes.

So Jaffa Cakes. How dare you. I don't really have a pet name for Emily. I don't know, I've never done that. But Jaffa Cakes would be all right. It sounds like you're making some sort of... You're going to give me a carb-based nickname. Yeah, that's right.

That's true. I was thinking today, someone used the word breadwinner, and I thought, that's why Emily's single, isn't it? She doesn't want a breadwinner in there. Don't bring that stuff in here! That's a good point. I was just mentioning you're single just to tantalise the boys listening. Oh, the text that we'll get now using their night move.

So I was happily eating Jaffa Cakes thinking, you know, well, there's orange in it and vitamin C. In the same way that Sunny Delight had vitamin C. Yeah. What happened to him? But they don't crumb up much either that's another good thing about them um but i noticed on the packet that uh they provide seven percent of the sugar one jaffa cake provides seven percent of the sugar intake that they recommend for a human being. One Jaffa cake.

For that day? For that whole... Yeah. Oh. Wow. 7%. So I toyed with the idea of having no, zero sugar, and then having 14 Jaffa cakes just before I went to bed.

As a sort of carrot on the end of a stick. Well, more of an orange, I suppose. But it's quite... That's a lot, isn't it? I'm looking to you as our dietician. Thank you. You'd be right to in this room. That is a lot for... You may know that Emily is on the WOW diet.

OMG. It's not WOW, it's OMG. Oh, sorry. I knew it was three letters. No. Six weeks to OMG. The GVH diet. It knocks you about a bit, but it's worth it. Your manager came down to the show last week, and he was a bit of a carb buddy for me.

Yeah. Like, he looked after me. Do you know, he performed an intervention and stopped me eating a sausage. I saw that. It was the most touching moment between us. He went, no, don't do it. Yeah, Emily ordered a sausage, and he said,

oh, actually, they put quite a lot of meal in sausages. And when we left, I looked back over my shoulder and that sausage was still untouched on the plate. Oh, really? That upsets me. I don't like wasted food. No. I thought you were going to say you looked back and John was eating it. He's just popping it in the top pocket like a new father with a cigar no he's on the

he's not six weeks to OMG but he's on the diet as well that's what it's called six weeks to OMG how many weeks to your OMG well I think I'm at O what do you think I'm getting the O I'm taking the yoga class version

O but Emily was saying that part of the diet which i find utterly amazing i'm calling it the balloon section of the diet yeah you have to you're meant to blow up balloons it's good for your abdominal muscles apparently it's a really good exercise it's kind of yeah it's the clown based section section of the diet. Yeah, and you have to blow up 20 every other day. Yeah, 20 every other day. So that's a tip for people at home. And also, it suggests why Kate Middleton has got such a great body,

because she comes from a party family. Those girls grew up blowing up balloons. That's why they're so svelte. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, our lovely listeners have got some views on my OMG diet. The listenership. Yes. Well, first there's a question.

There's an inquiry, a practical inquiry from 994. Does it have to be 20 separate balloons or is letting the air out of one balloon allowable that's someone who's going to give it a go I think if you blow the same balloon up 20 times every other day it's going to be pretty easy because that balloon's going to be a ragged old thing

how dare you it's going to look like Cliff Richard more than three months before his calendar Ed Bowden has also emailed in Cliff Richard, more than three months before his calendar. Ed Bowden has also emailed in, who says, just when you think women might not be mental... Is this how Ed Bowden talks? This is totally how he speaks. You hear about a diet that involves blowing up 20 balloons a day.

Mental old women, aren't we? Honestly. You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps. I'm slightly fascinated by the balloon thing, because if you blow up a few balloons, you do, you know, you get the feeling. I mean, it's sort of, you know, you don't have to buy any kit or no trainers. Well, exactly, and you can do it wherever you are on the tube.

No-one gives you odd looks. I don't know. odd looks people are very tolerant I think it depends what shape you're after if you do the globe if you do the Dax hunt no sausage dogs allowed I can't have sausages if you blew up a long balloon on the tube

just for exercise there would be kids looking over thinking I'm going to get a poodle here and then you just get off the tube. All you do is disappoint passengers. Well, balloon modelling probably means women have built their fabulous bodies. They're balloon models.

So is the idea that you blow up the balloons for exercise, it's why not just do some exercise? Am I being stupid? Well, hold on. Hold just a minute. What other reason would there be to blow up the balloons as part of a diet? Some celebration for every pound

that goes. Well, do you know what else? Because I read recently that a really good exercise for your thighs is to wear really long red shoes. So, I didn't really. I'm just suggesting that this bloke wants you to look like a clown. I'm alright with that. Oh, I see.

I think you blow him up and put him on the door. There's two that symbolise either a children's party or someone on the six-weeks-to-OMG diet. Yes. He's Nick, the children's party insignia. He has. Except for the cake and the jelly. He definitely doesn't do that. No.

Maybe gluten-free. Hi, Frank. Can we just... Dan says, hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I know we're all pedants together. So you... There's a D there. Hi, Frank. Can we just... Dan says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I know we're all pedants together. So you... There's a D there. It's okay.

So you won't mind my pointing out that Kate is a duchess rather than a princess. However, if Emily is looking for someone to treat her like a princess... It's a night move. Very good. It's a light switch. Thanks, Dan.

If she's married to a prince, surely she's a princess as well as a duchess I don't think that's how it works no Frank it doesn't work like that with our people can you get me the brett

that you see we'll get to the bottom of this one way or another absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio

oh this is Frank Skinner. I'm on Absolute and I'm playing to you. No, no, I can't. Middle-aged man doing that. Terrible. Oh, Richard Maitley. Emily Dean. We're talking good. We're talking clean. You can text us on 8-12-15.

That's our scene. You know what I mean. Follow us on Twitter using Frank on Absolute. What? Don't shoot. That's cute., you know what I mean. Follow us on Twitter, using Frank on Absolute. What? Don't shoot. That's cute. Oh, my God. It's so embarrassing. I could feel my hat turning round

so the peak was facing the back as I spoke. You know there's a bit where we do really funny bits on this show and Daisy the producer immediately... No, wait, well, I used to be. Daisy the producer immediately scribbles it down for the trailer. I think that's just happened with your little top of the hour rap there.

So I'll look forward to hearing that on Absolute all week. I find people who rap for a living quite embarrassing but people, when like middle aged men do it. Can I just say Frank that was the audio equivalent of Cliff Richard's calendar. I think you're

right and if only I'd practised for three months, it would have been a lot better. But I do feel like slipping into the shadows now and never, ever coming out again. So, I don't know if it made any sense, but you can do all those things. You get the idea. What we used to do is we used to give you, like, fun questions to answer so that people texted in and we had, like, a sense of interactivity. Now we just talk.

Well, we could have done that. OK. We could have asked them how much they like Jaffa Cakes. If there's any Jaffa Cakes theories out there, or views, I'd love to hear it. Well, you know... Can you get a milk chocolate Jaffa Cake? Will they all play? I don't believe you can.

Oh, Frank, that's a lovely question. Why don't they go white chocolate Jaffa Cake? Are they all plain? I don't believe you can. Oh, Frank, that's a lovely question. Why don't they go white chocolate Jaffa Cakes? Oh, with the orange base centre? Revolting. Maybe the white with a raspberry would work. Raspberry? With a raspberry. Raspberry?

Raspberry. Is that one of my mispronouncements? You're talking about raspberry cakes, aren't you now? It's raspberry. Raspberry. No, no, that's too much. It doesn't sound right. Why don't they bring out promotional umbrellas

that are dark brown on the top and sort of that sandy sponge colour on the underside? Oh, yeah. You know, Jaffa Cakes often come up in financial discussions when they talk about VAT, because I think... Do they? I might be wrong here, but I think there's VAT on biscuits, but not on cakes, or the other way round.

And Jaffa cakes are so nearly biscuits, aren't they? And they get away with it. And they get away with it because they're cakes. I think so, yeah. Yeah, they're cakes. I can't remember which way round it is, but you could ask Adrian Childs, because he used to do work in lunch, didn't he?

So he would know. He'd know. Yeah, he'd know. Or some of you will text us in. Hold on, I'll try the phone again. Oh! Oh, Adrian'd know. Oh, somebody will text us in. Hold on, I'll try the phone again. Oh! Oh, Adrian, yeah, re-jaffa cakes. It might be a slightly weird call.

I'm not saying it won't be. I'm telling people to start business calls, isn't he? I'm not saying it won't be a strange call. Does every business call start re? Yeah. But, you know, people do that with their friends. This week, in fact, I texted Emily about diesel estate vehicles that I would recommend for hiring.

He did. It was the most Alan Partridge text I've ever received on my phone. I think I said something like the Mondeo is well regarded or something like that. Well, I phoned Pete Doherty this week and began, re-rehab. He thought it was Gareth Gates. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't want to seem to put the telly on because I'm a radio fan, but we've got Sky News on and there's a shot of, a long shot of Afghanistan. And there's something on the screen which looks like a giant insect-based insignia, which suggests to me that a supervillain is trying to break through

and make a big announcement about something's going on. But there is, there's like a big insect, and no-one's referred to it. I'm terrified. It's been there for a while. It's the end of the world. The end of the world, Hank. But they can't stop us from laughing, can they?

Or from texting in Jaffa Cakes-based facts. Excellent. I've started something here, haven't I? You really have, Cockrell. Well, we've got 870 Sue. I like that she calls herself Sue 870. 870. It just says Sue.

Isn't that the same telegram that Prince William sent to his lawyer? Sue. Go on. She says, biscuits go soft, Wensdale. Cakes go hard. Jaffas go hard, so they're cakes. That's good. I'm taking your word for that, Sue.

Well, also the... They don't hang around long enough in my company. Really? You're going... I don't bite them. I take it like a lozenge. Do you go full pelt? Hot drink.

Hot drink and a full jaffa cake. They donk well. You think it won't take a donk and it'll collapse, but of course it's got the rubber innards of the orange... I'm glad you've mentioned the rubber innards because Matt from London has texted,

and this is news to me, new information. Did you know they did a lime filling Jaffa cake for Halloween one year? No. You should have gone for pumpkin. I don't exactly. You could have scratched some of the chocolate off to make a face. Why is lime

spooky? I suppose it's the green ghoulish type thing. And 827 says, morning all. I like him already. Jaffa Cakes. Is he a copper? Sounds like a copper. Morning all, just to let you know, your upstairs windows are blowing.

Thank you, officer. Can you get a cup of tea? I wish I could, madam, but, you know, stuff to do. Anyway, be seeing you. Keep him peeled. Wow. You're in so many characters today. This corner.

Morning, Jackson. Morning. Just getting the prince's morning papers. Oh, I might leave the papers this morning if I were you. Yeah, that's what I thought, Constable. Come on. I love the village you inhabit in your head. I don't live there.

It's Prince William's little place. Where's he gone? I think he got a village for his birthday. So, this copper, 827, morning all, Jaffa cakes are a superfood. Athletes and rowers eat them because their fat-to-carb ratio is exactly 3 to 1. Now, that's music to my ears.

Yeah, I don't know what it means. Also sounds like a made-up fact. You see, I wouldn't be worried about eating so many. I'm on about, I suppose I'm on about 9 a day. And I'm... Wow. 9 a day? I will not go double-figured.

4 above what the doctors would recommend. Frank, that's, OK, let's say 45 calories of Jaffa. Yeah. That's a lot. Yeah, I know it's a lot. But if... I mean, I take his point, but if I was an international standard rower or athlete,

I probably wouldn't be so worried about it. But I'm not really burning them off by watching the Green Hornet on video. Frank, Jackie in Liverpool, have you ever eaten the cheaper version, Frank? Oh, I don't like the sound of them. No, I don't. Like blue stripe Jaffa Cakes.

My mum's Jaffa Cakes. Panda Jaffa Cakes. Yeah, they don't sound good. No, I don't think I ever... I didn't know there was such a thing. So you go nine a day? Do you remember the Mad Jaffa Cake eater who used to be on the adverts? No.

He used to be a man, I think played by Victor Spinetti, who was in Hard Day's Night. He's a good actor. I'm afraid no longer with us. So I'll give you a chance to change the tense on that. Anyway, and he wears a hat, which is like a large Jaffa Cake. Oh, does it? Isn't that Simon Munnery? And his catchphrase...

I think it's Simon Cowell. No, his hair looks like a fig roll. Oh, yeah. And then he used to get the mad Jaffa Cake eater and whenever he saw Jaffa Cakes, he'd say, there's Orangey. Oh, he was trying to get a catchphrase. Which is what I say every time I see Craig Revel Horwood.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, I think it's... Emily! Oh, my good heavens. I think it's time we discuss on this show one of our... He's not quite a friend of the show. His mother is. But Andy Murray had some good news this week.

Did you hear about that? I did hear about it. I was just off to bed and I put the telly on and he'd just won the first set. Oh. And then I went to sleep. Oh, really? You didn't stay in? No. I'm glad he won, but I don't actually need to witness it.

Oh. I'm prepared to take the word of the news bulletins. Mm-hm. But, you know, it's brilliant. And also he had blue trainers on, which... On tennis, I like to see a nice white plimsoll. Predominantly white, as the Wimbledon rules are. Yeah, that's what I like.

But great. That could be taken out of context, that quote. Frank, also, what did disturb me, I looked up to the friends and family box. Ivan Lendl there, fine, no problem with that. That's his coach. I bet he was punching the air, wasn't he, Ivan? Not much.

Old Marmari. Absolutely every right to be there. Yeah. Kim? Brilliant. Absolutely within her rights. Old Man Ferguson? Yeah, Alex Ferguson.

What the hell? Yeah. Old Blast Furnace? Why was he there? How depressing if you won the first Grand Slam in 76 years, looked up and saw that face. I think apparently every time the ball was just over the line, his nose lit up. So he was actually part of the organ.

And Sean Connery was there as well. That's right. Yeah, but he had an old blanket on. Yeah, he did look like he'd put the dog's blanket on. He had a blanket on. Wasn't he really hot? He looked a little bit Ronald Reagan retirement home. He had like a Panama hat and a blanket over him.

Well, he's, you know, I don't know how old Sean Connery is, but I think... Old. I don't know if he'll see another strawberry season. Put it this way, I don't think it's the three month before his calendar period. No. He's not looking his best. Can you still go to Sean Connery calendar? I think it comes in corrugated cardboard.

No, I'll tell you what he didn't do, though. When I was a young man and used to watch tennis, if people won a game, they used to jump the net. Oh, yeah? They used to run and jump the net to shake hands with the opponent in their half of the court. Yes, Fred Perry style. But, I mean, even in the 70s they did it.

Yeah, we haven't seen Jump in the Net since Becker did it. Mind you, he jumped everything, didn't he? That was part of his problem. Exactly. Yeah. But he jumped over the net. He jumped the net, lit his head on the roof of the broom cupboard.

No, but it's a shame that's died out, isn't it? Yeah, that is. I noticed in one of the press conferences there was a picture of Kim and Andy. Now, I know I love a bit of detail, but she was holding a Starbucks cup, Kim, and you know they write your name on it? Very Jimmy Carr.

It said Judy. She must have stolen old Ma Murray's cup. She was drinking out of old Ma Murray's cup. Or they both take their coffee exactly the same way and they swapped it and just thought, oh, it doesn't matter, I've already sipped it. I think I'm at home with Emily, she'll be drinking out of the mum's cup next time you see her,

she'll be wizened and bitter. Going, come on! That's it. I actually, as I said, I find the mum quite attractive. But they went out to dinner, Frank. I do, that's what happens when you get older, you start fancying people like Aunty Murray's mum. Frank, they went out to dinner, Frank. I do. That's what happens when you get old. You start fancying people like Andy Murray's mum. Frank, they went out to dinner and spent...

His bill came to £4,000. He only had a lemon soda. Old Marmari must have been knocking back the champagne. Apparently the friends were drinking cocktails or something and Andy Murray had one lemon soda, which isn't even really a drink here, is it? Is that lemonade? I suspect if this story is true

and Andy Murray has spent £4,000 on family and friends and only had a lemon soda, you'll probably lose his Scottish citizenship. LAUGHTER is Scottish citizenship. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, Andy Murray. It's good. I'm glad he won. I'm glad he won.

Sorry he didn't jump the net. Personally, if I won, I think I'd pick one ball boy and make them chair me shoulder high around the court while I wave to the crowd, really struggling, you know. Like a fat one. Pick a fat ball boy and make them chair me shoulder high around the court while I wave to the crowd really struggling, you know, like a fat one pick a fat ball boy, really What, would you go piggyback? Yeah, because I can't trust them, the fat

ones, to blow up the balloons when they're supposed to Absolutely. So you have to impose exercise upon them. Can I tell you something that took about, I'd say 14% of the sheen off the victory for me was when he ran over to get his watch for the photographs. But he sponsored. I know, but that's what I didn't like.

Did you stay and watch it? No, but I saw the highlights the next day. And they showed that bit. And you can see him all panicking, rifling through his sports bag trying to get the watch. You know, there's a story attached to that. Because he's got a sponsorship with the watch. And so he has to be photographed with the watch.

I knew you wouldn't like that, Frank. Oh, that's terrible. He forgot to put his watch on after the Wimbledon game and so he had to remember this time. But on the subject of the commercial aspect of Andy Murray's career, one thing that has been bothering me since his win is the tabloids in the UK saying, he's set to net £100 million from this. Like, Murray is minted as if that was all part of the plan.

Like, oh, OK, I'm going to dedicate my entire life to winning a Grand Slam, and then, ka-ching! I don't think that's what it was. Well, I would have agreed to it until I heard the watch anecdote. And now I think that's probably correct. No, it's just part of his thing, isn't it? He's got to do that, hasn't he? Yes, he's got to. If I was a top part of his thing, isn't it? He's got to do that, hasn't he? He hasn't got to.

If I was a top tennis player, I would have no sponsorship whatsoever. You'd wear your swatch. I would get all my stuff off the market. Oh, no change there, then. You know, we're a fan of Daily Mail comments. There was a Daily Mail comment about him earning £100 million, and somebody put, perhaps he should buy his own bats and balls. But that's

exactly what I'd do. I'd have no branding. I'd bring all my kit out in a non-descript second-hand suitcase. Suitcase? I'd make a real point. I always think about that when I went to the snooker. There'd be nothing on my waistcoat. Frank, do you know what I like? I like the idea of you, in between points,

delving in that suitcase like a 70s impressionist. I love that. know what I like? I like the idea of you, in between points, delving in that suitcase like a 70s impressionist. I love that. I'd be happy, I wouldn't mind pushing Robinson's lemon barley water. You don't drink that anymore. I'm partial to that. I do still drink that. But don't send me any, by the way, I can afford it.

Lemon soda. Don't send it to the poor. That's my advice. Third third world they love a bit of cordial if they can get the water they're happy with it of course otherwise if you haven't got any water i mean you don't want a bottle of robinson's taunting you from a shelf absolutely that's that is terrible point by the way i owe you you a pound. I have not forgotten that. I didn't want to bring it up. I have it here.

I have it right here. We bet. You bet against. This is the receiving of the pound. This is the pound. This is the pound. That's me flicking the pound. Thank you so much. In case you thought he was biting it.

Like a gold medal winner. Don't act like it's the abdication or something. It's not that big. I would not buy a coin of the realm. I mean, you don't know where that'd be. Why do you owe him a pound? Frank bet against Andy Murray winning Wimbledon, and I said I think he might do it,

and then I said I'd bet you a pound. No, you said you thought he would. I did think he would, and I was slightly out by a few months, but I don't want you spreading it. Well, no, he hasn't won Wimbledon. Maybe you think he's won Wimbledon. I can show you he hasn't.

I knew he'd win a Grand Slam, and now I think he'll win eight If you'd have been more up front You went off on holiday afterwards Just to try not to bite me I would have happily gone double or quits With this I nearly texted you

I love a double or quits I made ten quid at the World Wars It's like doing a show with Paul Merson and Tony Adams. Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry about this. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

If I could live anywhere in the world, do you know where I'd live? Where? Email corners. Where I'd live. Where? Email Corner. It's lovely there. I love it. So we've had emails from our many listeners.

The first one I'd like to read out. Why did everyone look at me when I said many? Are we going with that? As no one told him. Yeah, sorry. From our listeners. This is from David in Nottingham. Smashing.

Now, you may... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen. Da-da-da. Oh, it's a great song. I did a little part there. He called a band of outlaws to a tavern on the green. They swore to help the people of the king.

They challenged all injustice on the English country scene, but still had plenty of time to sing. The English country scene? That sounds a bit Mumford and Sons-like. Yeah, it does. They had plenty of time to sing, though. I mean, why don't the police do that when they've sorted out all the injustice?

Anyway. David from Nottingham. Politics, Anyway, David from Nottingham. Politics there. David from Nottingham. Now, you may recall, just to give you the backstory, the Cockerel was talking last week, Frank, about how he and Mrs Cockerel had a little bit of a spat because she was on the phone to her dad or something when you were trying to listen to some music in the car.

I was listening to a song that I'd already said, oh, I like this song. And? And next thing, turning it down, taking a call. There's still quite a lot of residual outrage. What we're starting to see... Getting those car rules laminated, I promise you. He runs his car like East Germany.

His poor family are oppressed. Anyway, David from Nottingham, he sympathises. He says, hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. Like Alan, my wife also made a phone call interrupting a song. I had previously informed her I liked. I was even singing along when she made a phone call to her father, who was in the car following us. In our car, the phone connects through the car.

Wow. So the song cut out completely. That's a spectacular car of the future what with bluetooth yeah i do eat in the car oh my weakness is kfc which leaves bits of browning lettuce in the car lettuce the kfc forget about it falling out the burger maybe falling out of a chicken burger i never touched the burgers i'll go go for the three-piece. Oh, do you? Yeah. I've had a five-piece in the past, but I was on holiday to hell with it.

I had KFC in Korea. Did you? How was that? Not the same. You know, you think that's universal. I'll say it's not the same. The covering. Globalisation type thing. Yeah, yeah.

No, it is chicken. But the covering is different. It's much thicker and I mean really chewy really quite tough if you can imagine

eating a bit of roast chicken in a jiffy bag it's like that it's really sturdy I wouldn't know because the only thing I'm allowed to eat

is the moist toilet wipe yeah I know of course and I couldn't find a balloon in Korea Frank David from Nottingham you can't blow up a lantern sorry carry on David from Nottingham Of course, but you know. And I couldn't find a balloon in Korea.

Frank, David from Nottingham... You can't blow up a lantern. Sorry, carry on. David from Nottingham ends by saying, Frank, the cup holder is just to the left of the radio. You need to push it in to release it. Well, he's assuming we drive the same model car. Well, maybe he knows. You have said what car you've got.

To the left of the radio. I'll look for that. Thank you very much what was the song by the way uh salisbury hill oh you don't want salisbury all interrupted by a phone salisbury hall in this um peter gabriel song in case you don't know yeah he's up on salisbury hill and he's do you know the song he's approached by an eagle he's approached by an eagle who offers to give him a lift home right and he and he declines and then spends the rest of his life in regret is it his rhyme of the ancient mariner it's a weird thing and i actually went to salisbury obviously it's impossible to go

there without thinking of it and when i got uh to the top of it of it, there was an eagle rank. So I'm thinking it might actually be a true story. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in email corner, I believe. Are we still in email corner? Oh, good, because I have another one here from Helen from York. Who signs herself Helen of York, I've noticed.

Oh, really? I've got Helen from York here. I think it's the person who started the Trojan Wars. Well, exactly, yeah. Hi, Frank and the team. I just wanted to say thank you. You've been in my ear on the podcast all year while I've been training for the Great North Run. I love runners listening to the show on podcast.

I get really excited by that. Do you? Yeah. I just like it. I feel like you make a sort of a real connection with people while they're on there. I don't know. I like it. I like it. I don't like it. I can't miss Jones. I imagine they listen to us

on their Sunday long. That's quite common for runners. On their Sunday long? They have a long run on a Sunday quite often. Do they? Yeah, it's a good day for a Sunday long, isn't it? I sounded so Birmingham then. I used to have an affair with Janice Long. I used to call it a Sunday long.

How strange that's become a common... I wish she was still seeing her. I love borrowing her products. I'll be listening to you on the podcast as I'm running the 13.1 miles around Newcastle and wanted you to wish everyone good luck. She's going to actually listen to us during the race. Yeah, so she won't hear this now. I imagine she's avoiding it like an episode of The Likely Lads. Okay, so she's listening.

Helen, keep going. Helen of York. Keep going, Helen. Perhaps she'll introduce the fall as she hits the wall. Not on the podcast, I won't. Of course, yeah. So, you know, that's marvellous, and good luck to everybody in that race.

And all the spectators who turn up to cheer, even though the runners are actually listening to podcasts. So you're completely wasting your time. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochrane in Texas on 8. Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochrane in Texas on 8-12-15 or follow us on Twitter

using Frank on Absolute. Oh, I liked it an hour ago when you rapped that. I can't rap. I can't rap every hour. I will never rap again. That is my... I met that vow. Oh, OK. I think you should stop rapping when you're...

Just stop rapping. Yeah, it's a good type of rule. I think we've heard it now, haven't we? Mm. OK. We know all about your car and your crib. And they're really nice. I haven't told you about my...

Congratulations. I haven't told you about my crib. One side of it opens down, so you can pass the baby from the bed without having to lift him up too high. I'd love you to rap about an actual crib that'd be excellent i could easily i built it about the functionality i built it i can sing about it if i like yeah and you could rap about your show and your flow which is also a populist theme i find by showing my flow yeah you're losing me now what's

the flow that's just always in rapping they talk about i think you're thinking of andy cap some of the rhyming slang. Anyway, what was we talking about? You've been out and about this week. I have. I'm going to cough. Brace yourselves across the nation. Oh, God. Sorry.

And, yeah, I went to Kew Gardens. Not the snooker hall, the... The gardens. Is there a snooker hall? Of course there is. Oh, good. I'm pleased to hear that. Yeah.

And it's nice. It's in West London. Q. And, you know, there's big greenhouses and stuff like that. And I went with a friend of mine. It was a sort of a family day out. We took our baby, he took his baby and he's also got a three year old

so at one point my mate Phil says to his three year old he said right, he's into pirates he's big into pirates, he gave him a stick and he said go off and be a pirate well of course I was worried he was going to come back with a middle aged couple at knife point

but he went away for a bit and we were sitting chatting. And then he came back and I could see he had some bright green in his hand. The child? The child. And I thought, what is that? And then I got closer and he got closer because it was a parrot. No.

No. And I thought, now this is someone who's picked up an idea and run with it. He's come back with a parrot. I mean, how tame must it be as well to sit on his hand like that? Then I could see the head was lolling quite a lot on the parrot. Oh, no. So don't worry, he hadn't plucked one out of the air. He'd found a dead parrot.

Can you believe that? Go off and be a pirate and then he found a dead parrot. Can I just say, that dead child i want him on my team he's he is the best researcher i've ever met in my life he's resourceful he's a high achiever in the three-year-old pirate player community yeah he was gouging an eye out when we caught him and trying to get the bottom half of his leg so on off with that no but it was it was really uh it was astonishing a bit of a panic went up because they carry about um 900 diseases apparently yeah i'd imagine at least that's what they always used to say about parrots when i was a youth or we're going to get a parrot

they carry about 900 diseases yeah they did and there weren't so many diseases in those days but the parrots pretty well cornered the market. So there was a worry about that, and my friend had to pretend that it was a Thai parrot that belonged to someone else, so he couldn't play with it. He didn't want to say dead parrots, he didn't want to bring up the subject of mortality. And also that Monty Python thing's a bit over now. Well, the Monty Python thing, I felt the pressure of that.

I bet you did, Frank. I'm a British comedian in a public place, there's a dead parrot, I feel I have to do something. I felt terribly self-conscious. I bet there was a bit here that thought, if this becomes brilliant material, I'm not going to like it because everyone will be thinking of the Monty Python thing. Yeah, exactly.

I like the dead parrot. Oh, Frank's seen a dead parrot bit of his evening. I thought, if anything funny comes out. So I just put my fingers in my ears and went, ah, the way you do it. You know when the football results are on the news just before match of the day? That was the approach I took, and it worked for me.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. And then he came back with some four candles. No, no, I made that bit up. But it's interesting. I don't know if you... There might be listeners who don't live in the south-east of England who are shocked to hear that parrots are generally flying about. They're not just in the gardens because they're like botanical gardens.

There's a lot of them in West London. No. Bright green parrots. There aren't. There are. Loads of them. And the story No. Bright green parrots. There aren't. There are. Really? Loads of them. And the story, well, there's two theories. One is they were used, they filmed the African queen.

Do you know the African queen? I do. Yeah. He emails me on a regular basis. Nice. And, I mean, it was one night. Shut up about it. But anyway, they filmed the African queen and they got these parrots

and they escaped and bred and that's one theory and the other one, my particular favourite is Jimi Hendrix had two parrots a male and a female in the 60s and he released them in Carnaby Street and they flew west

and multiplied you know that biblical saying fly west and multiplied. You know that biblical saying, fly west and multiply. Go west, I thought it was. Oh, that's more Old Compton Street. I think they went over Old Compton Street and thought twice. But they, yeah, it's amazing to see bright green parrots just in trees on ordinary streets.

So did you make a dead parrot reference then? Well, I had to hide it, you see. They had to take the child away. And I had to get rid of the parrot. So I put it in a tree in a cleft. You were an accessory. Did you? So you left it balanced.

A cleft in a tree trunk. Well, I hooked its feet on the top. And there was quite a noticeable tail feather sticking out the side of the tree. Give it a state funeral, why don't you? I thought I'd give something for the cat to climb at. Yeah? Not just leave it on the floor. That's not a dignified end.

So the cat will be struggling. It's just in the hole, tucked in the hole. No, it was a dead creature. It might topple off, though. Gravity might just tip it out. No, no, I hooked its feet into a... I said into a cleft. I wedged its ankles in.

Do they have ankles? That's this week's texting. Do parrots have ankles? But actually people are texting in whether or not Jaffa Cakes are worthy of that or not. Well, I'm happy to go back into Jaffa Cakes. Frank, did you know Capability Brown lost out on a job as a gardener at Kew? And I think they made a big mistake. Is that right?

That's like not signing the Beatles. Yeah. That was in the days before he changed his name, that was not all that good, Brown. And that didn't look good on the CV. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The parrot thing, I think when I said there were parrots in West London flying free,

people thought I was acting the goat. But I think it's fair to say it's taken off. Yeah, I think people thought it was a flight of fancy. Absolutely smashing. Room for another one, everyone. But there is some There are parrots we've had Missives in from the outside world

You know people can text us on 8-12-15 Yeah they can They don't but they can No they do No parrots don't have ankles just knees Is one of them They have knees Apparently so

They're quite religious Do you think they're genuflect a lot? Yeah, you see them in pew gardens. Pew gardens? I didn't think it was worth repetition. Very good.

And I'm sorry we missed it. I was happy to let it go. There'll be one man in Grimsby who laughs at that. I was happy to let it go. Frank, also Amanda has tweeted us. Amanda. At Frank on Absolute. She says, Frank is right.

I live in Beckenham in South East London. Regularly had parrots in the garden. You see? I blame Jimi Hendrix. I love the... When you look at those parrots, I want you to imagine Jim Jimmy in like a floral shirt maybe a velvet jacket in Carnaby Street

just throwing them into the air and off they go and they were good breeders so you know there is a link yeah he basically started the parrot flock Jimmy Hendrix we have had a more, less fun version of the parrots good morning all I heard that the parrots migrated here

and with the weather not being so cold anymore, they decided to stay. But they've been here since the early 60s. They've been here ages. They are parakeets, not parrots. Loads in Roundwood Park. They're still coming in. Oh, goodness me.

Parakeets, parrots. We're not going to... Yeah, potato, potato. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. They're not going to... Yeah, potatoes. We're not going to ask that. Yeah, exactly. They're polymorphous. Are they? I just wanted to get the poly-sophics into this somewhere. Well, Alan Vermeeling says that they terrorise native birds

and that they're evil. And Alan with a U. That's not common, is it? Me and him, basically. And Alan Armstrong, the Welsh actor. And Alan Evans. Used to play for Liverpool and Wolverhampton Wanderers and got glassed in a nightclub, I believe.

22 stitches in the face. Could have been more. Could have been more. This has been an interesting link. Parrots and other people that spell their name with a U. Parrots and urban violence how often the two come together this is frank skinner absolute radio

i'll do the last parrot email this is the last one i don't want to do any more but this one's really caught my eye the green parrots are not parrots they're parakeets blah blah blah blah blah but the thing I like about it is that it's from someone called Robin that's got to be the last pun of the show

surely you can say they're parakeets so you're red in the chest they're still parrots as far as I'm concerned I will probably spend quite a lot of time thinking about this and possibly even Googling it. You know, I'm a big time waster. I'm not the most driven individual in the world

and I think we all know that about me. You've done well there. Just think what you would have done if you'd been really... Do you know, I sometimes do. I sometimes do. But I've reached a new low as far as time wasting goes. I was on my way back to Manchester on the train the other day, and I knew that I had some stuff to write.

I've got things on, you know. Oh, yeah, no one's denying that. I think you were on Mott the Week only last week. I was, yeah. Obviously, you just turn up and do all that off the cuff, but... I do, yeah. I was drafted in as a late replacement on that, as it happens. But new low for me as regards time wasting was... I do, yeah. I was drafted in as a late replacement on that, as it happens.

But New Law for me, as regards time-wasting, was putting off... Jimmy Carr, apparently they said no to cash in hand. I put off doing work in order to listen to a podcast of a radio programme about procrastination. It's a new law. That's a grim irony. It's horrible, isn't it? But it was quite interesting. There was a lot in it that I thought was interesting. Apparently, the writer Douglas Adams used to say,

I love deadlines, I like hearing the whooshing sound as they go by. Oh. And that was his thing. I'm like that with parrots. I met Douglas Adams and made a complete fool of myself. I was introduced. Douglas Adams, you may know, wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And when I was introduced to him, I got completely mixed up.

And I sang Bright Eyes. You did not. I did. I honestly did. You thought he was the Watership Down writer. I thought he was Richard Adams who wrote Watership Down. Frank, I've never heard this and I feel ill. And you know what? He didn't even laugh about it. And I didn't do it as a joke. No, he did a lot. He wrote What Sit Down. Frank, I've never heard this and I feel ill. And you know what?

He didn't even, like, laugh about it. And I didn't do it as a joke. No, he did a lot. It was a genuine mix. I thought he'd be really pleased that I know who he is. And I went for it and I got the wrong Adam. What was he doing as you were sitting there singing Bright Eyes? This is Frank saying this is Richard Adams.

I said, oh, Richard Adams. Bright eyes. And he went, no, no. And I didn't get it. I thought he was a bit off because I sang the song and he wasn't prepared, but I didn't realise he had just nothing to do with him at all.

Was he standing there thinking, I'm Douglas. Douglas. Yeah, it was... That was difficult. Yeah, well, apparently he had a deadline at one point where he was a habitual liar about, oh, yeah, I'm getting on with it, it's nearly done, it's going to be great. And apparently one publisher came to London, hired a hotel and sat in a hotel suite

and sat and watched him write the book for two weeks. OK, that's a bit creepy. That's even lower impetus than I've got. There's a lot of it about Leonardo. Yeah. Da Vinci, he rarely finished anything. Oh, good. creepy that's that's that's even lower impetus than i've got but i don't know about leonardo yeah da vinci he rarely finished anything oh good that's true you're absolutely right you know he's a military tactician and stuff like i never finished you say we build a big groovy and no one will get through he wouldn't turn up no he was supposed to do a big um statue and uh never got around to it uh the bloke the prince who'd prince who'd bequeathed it,

if that's the word, came back for the bronze and made a cannon, some cannonballs out of it. So you're in good company. We all prevaricate. If I think of the hours I've wasted on cheeky girls Google images,

I could have been a contender. Yeah, yeah. Well, I play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire on the iPhone app. Do you? Yeah, but guess what I've discovered? You two don't know this. You have the option of phoning a friend

and you can choose them. You don't actually phone the friend, obviously, but you have answers. So you're playing on a phone and you don't actually phone a friend. I know. It seems ridiculous. But you choose one of the friends

and in order to give you a hint who might be able to help you, it gives you a little biog. I know. It seems ridiculous. But you choose one of the friends and in order to give you a hint who might be able to help you, it gives you a little biog. I came to one of them. There's a picture of Geoff Lloyd and Annabelle. Yes, he's one of the phone-in friends but they call him George, a science professor

who loves 1960s music. I don't know why he's on it but he is. We must investigate that. He does look like a science professor and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Someone's texted stop. I'm assuming that they've got

confused between us and some like, you know, those regular PPI type texts. I think it could be a driving instructor alright I'm doing my test it coincides with this show so that was my emergency stop

either that or it's somebody that thinks they've got a lot of power and they don't like this show I think it's an old school person trying to send a telegram because that's the sort of information that was enclosed in the telegram. Stop. Very good. What if it's an old person who's, you know, being attacked?

They're trying to get help. They're ignoring it. They've pressed the buzzer. You know the buzzer? I just didn't have time to put stop. Mrs Jones knows help is on its way. I know those. It could be from a lollipop lady.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Anyway. And here's me thinking I was a time waster. We're going to think of a hundred different ways. By the way, I imagine there's a lot of people who write listening to this show. People who would be novelists.

Poets listen to this show. It's not just long distance runners, is it? We have actual artists listening to this show. We do. When I've got something to write, what I use as my motivation, I have a chart above my computer,

which is the mortality rates of men in the United Kingdom. It's literally a deadline. And you think, I'd better get this finished. It's good, I'd recommend it. They did say that on the programme, that people become less dithering as they get older. I don't find that do you what about shaky head they're not allowed they obviously haven't seen even lavender going into a coffee bar i think it's something to do with you realize that you can't be wasting that

much time when as you get older you think i can't i can't hang about as much as i used to absolutely honestly if i could i read i read the eye now that newspaper is a bit slimmer than the others yeah it's good that in it but apparently there's a thing for people that know themselves and they know their time wastes do any of us really know ourselves it's existential debate apparently there are computer programs that writers use called stuff like freedom or like concentrate or whatevercentrate or whatever. Freedom sounds a bit S&M community. Yeah, you can say... I haven't come across it.

I don't want to access the internet for eight hours or whatever and it'll say, are you sure? And you put yes and then that's it. You've then got to concentrate. Sadie Smith uses that, she was saying recently. Really? She finished her novel. This has gone extremely literary.

Can I bring the whole thing down? Oh, go on, carry on. Well, apparently, it's all based on Ulysses at the Mast, which was one of the first Twitter addresses, and he's also Ulysses at the Mast. He got them to tie him to the mast. So he wanted to hear the fabulous voices of the sirens, but he didn't want to be tempted, he didn't want to do all this.

It's to resist temptation. I've tried it with Jaffa Cakes. Have you? You got them to tie you up? or just put you in a muzzle? I broke some two and a half inch cable to get to them anyway look traffic news late traffic news Lambeth Bridge is closed

in London and how do I know that? are you doing the traffic news? because it's very near to where I live, and they're filming on there today. Oh, Frank! Fast and Furious 6. No way. Vin Diesel.

I couldn't, I didn't get that close to the vehicles. He's not a car kind of guy, are you? But it was quite exciting to know that there was some Russian traffic signs when I left the flat this morning. Oh, were they pointing towards Chelsea? They were. Yeah.

And what they've done is they've turned Lambus Bridge into a bridge in Moscow. Really? For the film. Oh, Frank, how exciting. And there's some Russian vehicles involved in a bit of a crash. If you want to go down there today and have a look at a big film being made, just

do it. Lots of guys there in high-vis jackets, looking at passers-by in a kind of a, yeah, you know, we're in the film. Oh, I hate those. Puffer jackets. Yeah, and then I walk past, I didn't look quite so grand, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, here comes a borderline national treasure.

Now we're not so special. Did they say, Frank, I hate it when they say, absolute quiet, oh, I can't bear that. Absolute quiet, of course, is what I aim for on this show. No, that's a new station, Frank, they're launching it next week. It's just silence, yeah. Meditation station. John Cage.

A lot of John Cage. The royalties here we be getting from that. So, yeah, the bridge outside my house is basically Moscow. Oh. The cleaner refused to come. She wouldn't go anywhere near, in case he has to see her papers. Mind you, she does favour a day glow, full face balaclava, so it wouldn't be good at the moment.

Frank, I'd love it if you were an extra that would be great wear your red hoodie it'll be like don't look now yeah i don't think you can just turn off oh can't you well i'm not allowed to anyway because i've got an equity card so my agent yeah i'm afraid i'm not allowed to do extra work do you still pay your dues um we'll discuss that later. OK. I don't think I do. What, you're equity subs? Is that what you mean? I think I do. All right. Yeah.

The direct debit never ran out on my Barclay Super Saver account, so I presume it's still going out. That's... Oh, I left a long time ago. Can I just ask, I haven't seen the other five Fast and Furiouses. Do you think that's going to mean that I won't enjoy Fast and Furious 6 when they're complete? Well I'll be honest with you, I haven't either but now, you know when anything happens

even ever so slightly involves you in anything like when I went down to a student protest in the 1970s and we went to Downing Street and James Callaghan the current Prime Minister,

he was a Labour Prime Minister, came out and he waved. And I waved back and ever since then I voted Labour. That was it. That was it for me. So now I think I'm going to watch the entire franchise from one to six because I feel like they're my people. You're involved. Yeah, I feel like it's a little bit of me in there.

It's my bridge. My bridge is not visible, can I make that absolutely clear? Well, I think there's a slight flash of it in the dancing scene. In the Russian dancing scene. Those long lenses are good now, aren't they? But it was, it's exciting to see. They're all out there. Well, I had the great rock and roll swindle filmed at my house when I was a child.

At your house? Yes, yes. Punks on my bed and all sorts. Well, I had the great rock and roll swindle filmed at my house when I was a child. At your house? Yes. Wow. Yes. Punks on my bed and all sorts. Wow. My sister cried because she was scared of Sid Bezos. Understandably, I would think.

Which scene? Which scene from the great rock and roll swindle? Well, it's really weird because it was a gothic gated village that I lived in, a gated community. Right. You lived in a gothic gated community? Yes. It was like a Tim Burton film that I lived in, a gated community. Right. You lived in a gothic gated community? Yes. It was like a Tim Burton film that I lived in, essentially. But there's a singing lesson going on with a music teacher

and they're clambering outside. Anyway, that's my... I'll show it to you afterwards. I wonder if it was Tona DeBrett. Yes, it was. She was there. I heard a singing lesson from her once. Oh, my. I will talk. Someone said to me,

you're going to sing a lesson with Tona DeBrett. She's the biggest name dropper you'll ever meet in your life. I said, really? And I got there and I couldn't get the door open. And she came to the door and said, oh, I'm terribly sorry, that door's never been the same since Benny Hill used it as a sketch. And got off the step.

Anyway, look, enough of this nonsense. Mark Crossley's coming up next. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. We love you all. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.