The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Twerk

Episode Date: August 31, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Steve Hall. It's been the week of the 'twerk' so they discuss Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke's performance at the VMAs. They also talk about Frank's visit to Enniskillen, how many sugars in tea is acceptable and what little things make them mad!

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Good morning. Steve Empty Hall, as we call him in the business. Steve Hall incarnate. Yes, and you can text the show on 81215. That's 81215. and text the show on 81215. That's 81215.

Or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email us through the absolute website if you're a traditionalist. We've already had a tweet from Tupac. Tupac? Yes. Good to have him back. Yeah, he's doing okay. He did do a gig, didn't he?

Not that long ago. It was a hologram. I don't like those. Tupac said, Steve Hall again. It'd be a good thing to put in Room 101. Dead rapper holograms. Clips might be a bit tricky, but carry on. Steve Hall said, I mean, Tupac says, Steve Hall again.

He's becoming like the proverbial lampshade, a fixture. Yes, splendid. Well, the cockerel is nearly back from holiday. Well, the cockerel, he back from holiday well the cockerel he where is that died cockerel he went on two two week holidays

back to back he's like Sarah Ferguson in the 90s yeah when someone has they realise they haven't used up their holidays

to have them all in one go I don't know if it works yeah but he likes to get a lot of bang for his buck look here's a postcard I think it's a rude joke in French. I'm not going to read it.

Did you get a postcard from Cockrell? It's to all of us. It says, Dear Radio Cohorts, Having a lovely French holiday. Here is a postcard, which I believe is an example of saucy French humour. Much love, the Cockrell. And it's got a picture of a dog,

or two dogs, dressed as a man and a lady. A lassie dog, as we used to call them, as a lady. And then a boxer dog in a beret. Oh, sounds gross. And, as I say, I won't read out the French, in case it's something about... Well, I'm going to read it. Please pass it to me for later. I'll be able to pass it. Thank you.

OK. OK. Well, that's nice to hear from the cockerel. He's alive. Don't think for a second that he isn't alive. If you think we were hoshing it up like when Tito went. It's not true. Tito, by the way, was our Italian former sidekick

who died in the Pampas Bull Run, whatever it's called, I think. No, he didn't. Anyway. Frank, what about the Beckett Festival? Oh, yes, I went. I mean, that's quite an opener on Absolute Radio. It is. There isn't enough Beckett on commercial radio. I've said it. Yes, I went to the Samuel Beckett Festival. In case you're not

familiar with his work, he's an Irish playwright. He did Waiting for Godot. He did. I've heard of that. And he's, well, I like him. It's quite hard work. He's avant-garde. He is a I've heard of that. And he's, well, I like him. He's quite hard work. He's avant-garde. He is a bit avant-garde. But, you know, it was good.

It was good that Absolute had a representative there. Scott Mills was doing crap last time. No, he wasn't, really. So, yeah, so I went out there. I had two jobs. I had to read a Samuel Beckett short story at his former school. That's intimidating. At 10.30 in the morning.

When I got there, there's three plaques on the outside. There's Samuel Beckett, Oscar Wilde. Oh. And... Who's that? Jiminy Cricket? Henry Francis Light. I thought you said Henry Kelly. Henry Francis Light wrote Abide With Me,

you know, as they always play at the cup final. Henry Francis Light. There was a Henry Francis. It was a much fatter man. But this was the Diet version who actually wrote the song. But yeah, he wrote Abide With Me, so that's a pretty good call.

So yeah, so I read that out. Lovely. At his former school. At his former school. That's how you'd feel his old teachers, the ghosts of his old teachers kind of looking down on you. I didn't think that. No, that's a bit Derek Acora thing to say. I didn't even think that for a

second. But it's in Enniskillen is where we went. Oh yes, I know Enniskillen. Yes. And I thought it's quite a big's in enniskillen is where we went oh yes i know enniskillen yes and i thought it's quite a big town enniskillen but it's got that in ireland big towns feel like villages do you know what i mean as we were driving here we're still about 30 miles from enniskillen the driver said oh there's uh paddy gill on the green grocer up front and i said you said i, I recognise his car. And I thought that wouldn't happen in London, would it?

No. So I liked all that. And it was... Is that not where they had the summit? Yeah, I stayed at the hotel where the G8... Wow. It's like a golf... Yeah.

There was a Nick Faldo suite. There wasn't. There was. Oh, you see, I don't think that's... Pringle upholstery. I don't think that's appropriate for the Beckett Convention. Oh, you see, I don't think that... Pringle upholstery. I don't think that's appropriate for the Beckett Convention. No, I know, but it was... It's a bit cigar smoke.

My management obviously insisted I didn't stay at the normal. I told everyone else I had to get a much larger class. Did you swim in the lake? Because that's where Putin swam in the lake. Is he? That Putin and Obama's exercise regimes weren't allowed to clash. I went on the Putin green. If that counts.

First joke out the way, I think we can all relax. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was at the Beckett Festival, as I was saying, and in the hotel. They were telling me, everyone wants to talk about the G8 when the G8 was there. And they said that they had an X-ray machine X-raying potatoes and tomatoes on the way in.

Did they? Amongst other things, in case anyone put anything dangerous inside. Oh. Concealed in a spud. Yeah. That's amazing. You could, though, couldn't you? You could put a bomb in a potato. Let's try it. Yeah. That's amazing. You could, though, couldn't you? You could put a bum in a potato.

That's tiny. No, that's not. Was it not any skin where, certainly when it was the G8 summit, they had to put loads of fake shop fronts because so many businesses have closed? Well, they're still there. I believe they're called Potemkin,

and you should know that. Is that right? They completely fooled me because it's like a vibrant cafe on the other side of the road when it's just a poster on a window. But I totally fell for it. It looks better than your average high street.

I don't know why people don't do it normally when shops close. Or maybe when people die, put big, alive people stuck on them. It's the one industry that's booming. It's the fake shop front. I always think followers. You know when people used to have these, you read about these businessmen who's got into a business at the right time and. I always think followers. You know when people used to have these, you read about these businessmen who's got into a business at the right time

and made a lot of money. I'm thinking currently the place to put money is tattoo removal. Because in about 10 years time they're going to be queuing up, isn't it? Once the stretch marks have taken the edge off those flowers. Just waiting for the Cheryl Cole bubble to burst. You should go into Dragon's Den with that. Imagine Frank

in Dragon's Den. Oh, I'd love it. Well, the Cheryl Cole, I don't know if you saw that, the fabulous rose bottom. Yes, I quite liked it. Massive rose thing. I remember thinking, my first thought was I imagined that Cheryl Cole would wear nicer pants than that.

They were really off the market. Eight pairs for a fiver kind of pants. It's a nice thing. A bit scratchy. I think fairly unpleasantly, that area is often referred to as the tramp stamp. Yes. But in German, the word they use for that,

it translates literally as bum antlers. Is that correct? Yeah. That's so much nicer. But harder for sitting down. So I was at the hotel. Can I say two? One thing I particularly liked about the hotel

is I thought that they'd put out cigars for me in the room. There was a very, very ornate box. Oh. And it was leather, but it was like inlaid leather. And I thought, oh, smashing. Chocolates, maybe? Cigars? Lovely. I owned it. It was the TV remote box.

That must have been for the G8, hadn't it? Barack Obama doesn't want a naked remote. He wants it in a presentation. They often say it's the most infected bit of a hotel room, because the cleaners don't often clean. I've stayed in some of the hotels I've stayed in. Yes. The cleaners don't dust the remote control,

so the one thing you should really look out for is your remote in a hotel room. Well, how do you cope with that? And just take gloves, take remote gloves. That's why I've got a special pair of remote gloves. Frank, that's another company you can set up. That's it, remote rubber gloves that you take. Remote rubber gloves sounds a bit weird. Are RG limited?

No, that's a... Well, I had a friend who worked in a hotel and she said that they used to wipe round the inside of the kettle with the towels when they dried the kettle out. So with the towels out, you know, that had been left. Oh. So you're drinking the previous person's spores. I don't mind a bit of previous guest spore.

Anyway, I'll tell you what I like about hotels. They're so sort of pompous. If you stay in an even slightly nice hotel, you get hotel TV. So one of the channels is a little video about the hotel. I love a video. I'm going to collect them, I think, into one big DVD. I like the music for it as well, Frank.

Yeah, and also the idea that a close-up of a glass of red wine on the table means sophistication. So anyway, what I always do if I stay at a hotel, which I never do at home, is I mix cereals. Do you? So I have, I get my cereal bowl. Can I ask a question, Frank? I have cornflakes. Do you get room service? You'll strike me as more man of the people.

No, I get out to breakfast. I knew you would, Frank. I like to see you staying there. People watching, yeah. I like to do that. And also I like to do the hob-ob of people saying, that's Frank Skinner. That's one of the great highlights of my life.

So I'll have a bit of muesli and cocoa pops. Oh, together? Yeah, all in the same bowl. Curious bedfellows. It's brilliant. And I always had to top it off with a cornflake. Well, I ate cornflakes several. A cereal cocktail.

But the man next to me, there was some discussion about this. He had six sugars in his tea. No. Now, that is an all-time record for me. My mum used to put two sugars in everyone's tea that came to the house. Yeah. And she'd ask them then, she said,

if you don't have sugar, don't stir it. That was her method. You had to put them in. But I'd like, if there's any of our readers who have more than six, I'd like to hear from them why they've still got the teeth to speak. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a very strong response to your question about sugars in tea. See, I sort of feared that people don't really have sugar in tea anymore. But is that true? Au contraire, my friend. Absolutely, there's a story.

Well, because first of all, you raised it because you'd seen a gentleman putting six sugars in his tea. But it caused quite a stir in the breakfast room. Oh, lovely material. I got told off for calling it a hotel. At the resort, I was staying at. The golf resort. It sounds a hotel. At the resort, I was staying at. The golf resort. Very tar... It sounds very tarby, the resort.

Yeah, but there was... Like, his wife was saying, oh, you haven't seen how many sugars he has yet, to the white twist, you know. She was setting it up for her, for spectator... Spectator thingy. Well, Jim Mullen says, he tweeted us, when I worked in Tooting Market...

Yeah, I worked there too, a man I knew cut down from eight to seven sugars. What is the point? That's what the day thought, you know, I'm over it. That's like when I went from sherry for breakfast and then went to Perno for breakfast and thought, this is getting out of hand.

Having with sherry, I thought, that's fine. It's nutritional. Amanda has texted to say, Morning, Frank, in answer to your question, interestingly, tooth decay is caused by frequency of sugar, not quantity. So it makes no difference if you have one or six spoons of sugar in your tea, as far as your teeth are concerned. Really?

Well, that's opened up a whole new... The sugar floodgates are open. I went to a hospital once with a sort of A&E type of thing and I was actually given, like in Emmerdale when there's a plane crashes or something, I was actually given some hot

sweet tea. Fantastic. Yeah, I didn't think that really happened. In the age of, you know, this is the 21st century. You go to a major London hospital, they give you hot, sweet tea. I think I ordinarily regard sugar in tea, that's strictly for hangovers. That's the only thing.

Does it work for hangovers? There'll be a lot of people listening to this who would really like an answer to that. I find that's the one time, hangovers and shock. Well, Rob says, I offered a homeless guy a coffee from a public coffee house he wanted eight sugars i couldn't hide my shock he said he'd have nine or ten sugars in a um famous fast food chain coffee because they're stronger but that's a man who

doesn't often get the chance for sugar and he's basically filling his boots isn't he yeah homeless man on new street station once said to me, can I have a bite of your burger? Did he? What did you say? That's a tricky situation. I was quite pleased with my response. What did you do in that scenario? I paused for a moment,

probably with a slight shadow of horror across my face, and then I broke him a bit off and gave it to him. Work to treat. Like the loaves and fishes. Yeah. Who? And that man is now a hairy biker. If you help people, you know, lower down the ladder,

up they come. Gavin York says, my brother uses sugar instead of salt on all of his savoury meals, but thinks that making a cup of tea sweeter is ridiculous. Ah, good use of the word ridiculous. I often do think, though, that we don't mix and match the sweet and savoury enough. You think so?

You know, when Matt Smith first generates... Oh, there we go. When he wants the custard and the fish fingers. Yeah, fish fingers and custard. Why was that? I think fish fingers and custard. I've never tried it, but I was thinking, when they have the 50 fingers. Yeah, fish fingers and custard. Why was that? I think fish fingers and custard. I've never tried it, but I was thinking when they have the 50th anniversary special,

I might watch it with fish fingers and custard. I reckon it might work. It doesn't say. It sounds quite nice. I like the textures. I tried tomatoes and custard on a TV show once at a suggestion of, I think, Victoria Corrin, and we both thought it would be horrible.

It was actually rather fine. So I'm going to encourage our readers to broaden out a bit and mix the savoury and the sweet. What do you think about that? Go for it. New recipes. Frank, Paul has asked, could you tell Frank that Nick Faldo designed the golf course that he stayed at? Oh, well, I knew that.

I knew that. I don't see why he should get a sweet. But no, I didn't know that yet. Don't get me wrong, it's a lovely golf course. There's flags and holes and sandy bits. Everything you could want for it. Fun 18 holes. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had correspondence from a boffin. This is Phil in Essex. I like our boffin texts. So do I. Because I don't know much about science, so I find it highly informative. Do you know much about history? I know a little bit about biology.

Oh. Well, this is boffin583. He says, I was under the impression... I think all boffins should be numbered. Just call boffins 178 and stuff boffin 583

I was under the impression that hot tea can only hold a finite amount of sugar in suspension after about three spoons

the solution oh great use of solution 583 the solution is saturated and any more simply sits at the bottom

is that right he's not stirring enough. That would make sense because Adam... Something no one's ever said to me. Adam White has tweeted to say, I can't remember exactly how many, but I remember my grandpa's teaspoon standing up by itself, which may prove

our boffin's theory. His grandfather was Uri Geller, to be fair. That can't... But that sort of suggests it does sit on the bottom, doesn't it? As a sort of spoon. I think boffin 141, whatever it's known as. 583. 583.

It's suggesting that it'll stop dissolving. Exactly. I don't know. I was hoping he was going to refer to the passage of a solution into a less soluble solution through a semi-permeable membrane. Oh, I love it when you say that. It's one of the few things I remember from school.

That and... Paul Farrell. That thing with Mr Ellis that time. Maybe not for here. Carry on. Paul Farrell says the opposite of sweet is sour, not savoury. Put that in your parking space. I know what you mean, Fazza.

I'm sure they called you at school. I think that is probably true vocabulary-wise, but I think in food, in foodstuffs, I think the general separation is between sweet and savoury. I think you might be right, Skinner. Because sour is such a small group. What have you got? You've got Haribo's.

Gooseberries. Tang pastics. Yeah. I mean, it's such a tiny little subsection. Lemons. Whereas savoury, you know, you've got cheese straws. To be fair, you've got Marmite. Yeah, you've got Marmite.

Loads of savouries. So, I mean, I thank you, because I'm always interested in... I was thinking of having a regular section on this show about... with a jingle that goes, Grammar, we love you. Grammar, we... where we talk about complicated things from language and... We've done pronunciation before.

Yeah. But it's, again, not enough of it. Well, you just said pronunciation, and you pronounced it correctly. Yeah. Because we actually had an email about this. Oh, well, let's come back to that. Because the flip side of discussing grammar is playing adverts. That's the rough and the smooth on this show.

It's like the major auditorium making enough money for that little experimental studio theatre back at the back of the building. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, the producer was just whistling during that song.

That's a bit weird, isn't it? Like a builder. You know what they say, a whistling woman and a crowing hen is neither good to beasts nor men. Oh. Yeah, I like to hear women whistle, personally. OK. I think we'll put the grammar shout out a bit later in the show,

otherwise it might get a bit heavy. I don't want it to go all QI, otherwise I'll start hating myself. I won't even begin to tell you how I'll feel. 178 actually has texted us Amanda, who's a dental nurse. Amanda! She's a medical boffin. Oh, yes. She says, it's true's true I'm a dental nurse I spend a lot of time trying to explain it to patients. When she says it's true she's referring to the point

Steve was making about sugar earlier. Okay she's not trying to explain the fact that she's a dental nurse. I've always thought I'd change my name by depot to floss if I was a dental nurse. Oh that's a different point. Okay, so... So next time you're eating a packet of sweets, eat them all in one go rather than grazing on them. It's much better for your teeth. That's the kind of advice I want from the medical profession. Often it's all... there's no fun.

But that sounds great. I'm loving Amanda's... We've had a tweet. Someone said, I would recommend at least 20 sugars in a cup of tea regards the chairman of Tate & Lyle. That's the other side of the equation. To be fair, they put a lot of money back into the arts, Tate & Lyle. Did they? Yeah, well, Mr Tate was the man who started the Tate Gallery.

Yeah, he looked at me as if I'd said something terrible. Your relationship felt under a lot of strain in that last 20 seconds. Well, it was just your face was so inscrutable. I was trying to work out whether it was a link to a gag. Yeah, well, I'm off to the theatre after. I'm playing Fu Manchu. So I'm just getting into character. Did you not wonder about the long drooping moustache and the flared sleeves?

I thought you looked a bit like Peter Ustinov. I love a flared sleeve. Oh, I love a flared sleeve. Oh, rarely do I go home in a flared sleeve coat without two or three CDs in there from FOP. You've got to be careful when you're cooking with a flared sleeve, though, Frank. You go up like Tinder if you're near the open hob. I'll tell you what I do. I tend to keep balsamic in one sleeve

and olive oil in the other. And I just do the birdie song and you've got a lovely salad. Yeah. It's the perfect way to treat a homeless person begging for a burger if you've just got something up your sleeve. That'd be lovely.

The perfect way to treat a homeless person would be a lovely book. By Steve Hall. Lovely cookbook. I'd buy that. Never mind that. What about Miley? Oh.

Poor, poor Miley. What are we going to do about Miley, Frank? It was awful, wasn't it? I've said this before about Rihanna. They lose a bit of faith in their material. She didn't have much material to lose faith in. They had no thing coming after. I mean, she was just basically in a bra and pants. We should say, so it was Miley Cyrus, in case anyone didn't have much material to lose bacon. Let no thing come unnoticed. I mean, she was just basically in a bra and pants.

We should say, so it was Miley Cyrus, in case anyone didn't see this. Is it the VMAs producer? Yes, the VMAs. That's what proper shows go, Producer Daisy, they call it. Well, it used to be the MTV Awards, didn't it? Yeah, and that's VMA. What does VMA stand for? Video Music Awards.

Thank you, Steve-opedia. Not such nonsense. Miley, daughter of Billy Ray, I love Billy Ray, she got up on stage with Robin Thicke and she twerked, but the bikini slash underwear... It wasn't a bikini, was it? I tell you what it was made of, that bedwetter sheet fabric.

It was. It was exactly that. What a strange choice. If I'd have known you could have got pants made out of that. The 80s would have been a much happier time for me. That girl on Big Brother. Yes, exactly. And Tony Adams.

It was like she'd turned up to the thing and had left her kit at home and her old PE teacher had said, right, you've got to do it in your grundies. Yeah, exactly. In your grundies. In your edges. How marvellous. I didn't like it. No.

I didn't like the foam finger. That made me feel ill. No, no, that's a complete... That's an idea. The man who invented the foam finger, did you see that interview, said he felt that the foam finger had been misrepresented. Which makes me think that he's never been out in public.

If that's the first time he's seen his product abused in that way. No, but he's right. I mean, I always associate the foam finger with gladiators. So do I, Frank. Which was largely a celebration of keep fit. Yeah. I don't want to see it involved with twerps. If she'd have just shouted a wooga, she could have made it all better.

And she's such a lovely-looking woman. I don't know if it's my old age. There was a time I'd have been only too happy to see a woman like that in bed wet, in underwear. But now I just think, oh, somebody put a coat round her. How do I? What about the foam finger man said she degraded the foam finger? I think she's right. The foam finger is highly respected in society.

No, she went too far. I thought to myself, you cannot be Cyrus. Oh, lovely. We've got a text from 437 Frank who says, Miley is Billy Ray's daughter. Idiotic eureka moment. Thanks, Frank. I feel such a moron.

Well, yeah, I thought everyone knew that. In case you don't know from our past idiotic eureka moments is when you're very, very slow to get something. But, yeah, he's the daddy. Guess what Billy Ray said, Billy Ray? What did he say? Well, he commented. Obviously, he supported Miley.

He said, it's working, had it been invented, and I'd have had a foam finger, I would have done the same thing you've done. It wouldn't have worked with achy, breaky heart. I don't like the, I mean the crotch grabbing. Oh, I hate so, it's a bit much. The only time I ever do crotch grabbing

is if I'm... What? It's never, I hope. If I'm using a hairdryer on a hot day, you know, just to cool off, I will. I mean, on a young woman it looks very common. Combined with the twerking on a young woman it looks very common combined with the twerking it looks like she's mocking a grandma

awaiting a hip replacement I hadn't thought of that do you think the twerking as a dance move is sexy Frank do you find it sexy can't believe I've used that word I don't really find anything sexy anymore I think I am

something I want to talk to you a bit later about is I had a bit of a dilemma the other day. I saw something a bit rude and whether to do anything about it or not. I mean, I can talk about it on the radio but it was anxious making for me. I just wish

I think that Miley would look nice in a nice pair of jeans, smart jeans. Agreed. And one of those, you know, thick-knit cardigans. Maybe next time. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Why don't you text us on 81215? You're interesting. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email us through the Absolute website. We've got a page. Now, Frank, you tantalised us before the news with... Yeah, no, this is tricky.

It's really tricky. We were talking about twerking before the break, in case you're the sort of person that thinks I will not listen to radio before nine o'clock. Or if you listen on the digital, ten o'clock. That's one for the editor downstairs. And

we were talking about twerking and all that that entails all the sourcing us and also the air of desperation it reminded me a bit of when me and Greg Davis snogged on Let's Dance for

when you're so desperate you think let's just do something physical and people will laugh I've done that on telly with Greg as well it's a regular thing. Yes, you just have to do it. He gets about. But anyway, I was walking down the high street.

I won't say which road in case the woman identifies herself. I was walking down the road. There's people going to work hither and thither. It was that time of the morning. It's central London. Yeah. And there's a woman steps out and walking ahead of me. And her, I should say to start off with,

she was like the sort of respectable woman who might be management in the office. She looked very sensible. I know the type well. Yeah, very sensible. File of facts. Maybe, hopefully, maybe even a Scion organiser. But she looked very, you know, someone who'd done well in the world.

Her skirt was complete, virtually completely see-through. Right. And to the point where... Maxi or mini? Well, it was sort of midi. It was out in the knee, but it just see-through. And you could see, I could see the label on her thong. Oh, crikey.

And I could see a few workmen nodding at each other and that sort of thing as she went past. Because it was, I think when she looked in the mirror at the front of the dress, it sort of folded at the front. She wouldn't have known. So she was unaware that she was... So she was unaware that she was completely... Exposed. Parading all folded at the front. She wouldn't have known. So she was unaware that she was... So she was unaware that she was completely exposed. And I saw

parading all manner of grot. Do you remember when I saw that woman at the airport trying to close her suitcase and I didn't go over because I thought she was too attractive to help. I do. That she'd misinterpret my... I do remember your version of events. Well, this was a case of... I just thought,

can I honestly go to this woman and say, look, excuse me, this is none of my business, but do you know that that skirt's completely see-through at the back? Please tell me you didn't do that. No, but I didn't do it. Please tell me. But don't you think that if I'd have been a better man, I would have done it? I would have put my embarrassment to one side. It can't come from a man, that kind of information. It has to come from a lady. Does it? But guess what? We're not going to intervene.

Because we quite like it. And also, it wouldn't have just been, I mean, you're in that position where it would have to be, it wouldn't just be a man came up to me in the street and told me it would be Frank Skinner approached me in the street the other day. You can't do it, Frank. Fresh from the Samuel Beckett Festival. Well, my doubt, my doubt was that

she might have thought, no, I think I'll get the old bum out today at work. It might have been deliberate. That'll show that cow in sales. I was going to say, maybe she'd seen Miley on the VMAs and thought, finally, this is the one time I can wear this skirt without embarrassment. I have to say, if I'd have had a farm finger with me, I'd have just tucked that label in a bit.

It would have been fine. No, but I feel I should, because... But then don't discriminate because she's a civilian. If she was a celebrity, Lady Gaga, you wouldn't feel the need to go up and say that. No, but you'd know that that was deliberate. And also, she's got her people before she goes out. People?

She says, does my bum look big in this? And they say, no, no, Gaga, you look absolutely beautiful. I doubt if this woman had such cronies at her fingertips well i i i just hope she didn't have you know sneaker in at work and and all that sort of thing going on maybe i should have told she did i should have i should have stopped a woman and said can you tell that woman she's got a see-through skirt on yeah good luck with that'd be great then if she went there, but it isn't see-through and it just turned out you had some magical ability for one day only. I developed X-ray vision. Oh, no.

Can you tell her she's got a cyst on her left over? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've had a text from 449 who says,

Rhi Miley, what about the tongue? What do you think she was trying to achieve with that? I don't know if you saw when she was doing the twerking. Well, I've only seen stills. I haven't actually seen this. Have you not watched it? It didn't seem proper for a man of my age to even watch it. It's a thing she does quite a lot. You've only seen the gif.

Yeah, I have. It's one of her trademarks. She sticks her tongue out and she'll often do a sort of peace sign as well, so she did it several times. She sticks her tongue out at a sort of jaunty angle. I think it's meant to look either cute or sexy. It's the face that a baby pulls when you feed it a grapefruit for the first time. That's the face. I've never fed a baby a grapefruit.

You don't even have a baby. Whose baby did you feed it to? I just gulped them down train stations. He's such a prankster. But it looks like, with the tongue sticking out and the piece on it, it looks like she was raised by a pack of wild emoticons. It sort of doesn't... Or indeed Billy Ray Cyrus.

I love Billy Ray. I loved Hakey Brakey Hart. What about her hair? Best hair ever. I don't remember his hair. Hair? Can I tell you what his hair, Frank? It was business at the front, party at the back. Oh, was it?

Of course it was. I remember it now. It was a proper moulin. His son actually looks... He's got a son who's a bit of a metaller called Trace Cyrus. Oh, he'd be nice for me. A bit of a letdown. I thought he'd have gone for the two names.

Yeah, I was disappointed that he didn't. But Trace Cyrus, if you look at pictures of him, he looks like Christian O'Connell. He looks the spitting image of Christian O'Connell, but if the OC had dressed up as Marilyn Manson. Oh. To the point, I looked at him, I thought, is this like the absolute radio Christmas

party? Oh, that's a tricky one. Trace. I went to school with a girl called Trace. Won't be her. Are you sure? I saw Robin Thicke, who she was dancing with. What do you make of this character, Frank? I've got to be straight with you now,

and this is a very old man thing to say. I'd never heard of him before. OK. Who is Robin Thicke? Well, he had a big, one big song, Blurred Lines. Right. Which is one of the more hateful songs we've ever been released.

Okay. It's fairly true. It's deeply misogynistic. Towards Lady. It's an uncomfortably woman-hating song. Did you see, did you see, with Ludovic Kennedy, did you see the thing about him

and the student in the paper this week? Robin Thicke? Robin Thicke. I love that you've got all the Robin Thicke gossip. Well, now, of course, I've thought, who is Robin Thicke? Robin Thicke. I love that you've got all the Robin Thicke gossip. Well, now, of course, I've thought, who is Robin Thicke? And I've gone and seen... You've got Thicke alerts on your phone.

Yes, I have. And I looked at Robin Thicke, and there's a fantastic... I have to say, it's a fantastic picture. It's a picture... I've got many, many pictures with me, sort of with grinning, smiling people. You know, people say, can I have your photo took with you?

And you have your photo took with them. Yeah. And it's one of those. It's him with this young female student. But they're standing in front of a mirror. Oh, yeah. And in the mirror, you can see that his hand is quite clearly in an untoward place.

Which they then tweeted, apparently. The person who took it tweeted it to his wife. Wow. Old Mar Thick, as I think she's named. And I should imagine there's been ructions. Did you not see this? No. I mean, it was the most caught...

Well, I won't say red-handed. I'm going to have a look at this. But, no, it was... That's Twitter for you. All the old ways are dying out. that's Twitter for you. All the old ways are dying out. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. Now in the, while that fine song was playing Frank, I've looked up the photo of Robin Thicke that you were referring to. It'll serve you right if they're playing this on Absolute 80s and that was Whitney Houston doing I Will Always Love You. It's referring to it'll serve you right if they're playing this on absolute 80s and that was the whitney houston doing i would always love you it's uh whatever whatever that song was you were just playing yes and it's an astonishing that's one of the more remarkable photos i've ever seen

what the robin the robin thick he hasn't seen this i've not seen this i couldn't believe it he is well and truly busted i can't believe that i'm getting all my thick updates from frank now that's how it is with me, the Thicc of it. That's the name of my new organisation. Organisation devoted entirely to Robin Thicc called the Pygmy. I like the way

Robin Thicc, like his surname seems to fit the, you know, it's like Billy Fury. Well did anyone, because Miley Cyrus is quite skinny, did anyone go with Thicc and Thin in the coverage of their little dance? Not that I know of. I wouldn't say she was skinny. I'd say she was gamine.

Mm. That photo is... Well, it's repulsive, actually. I think the girl he's groping might be the one who you nearly told was wearing a see-through dress. Well, in case you don't know, Robin Thicke, he's having a photo and he's taken the opportunity. He's an opportunist.

He's grabbed this young woman's bottom. It's an open goal. And there's an enormous mirror behind them and the whole thing is exposed. His wife must have been absolutely furious. It's so outrageous. It's like she should be saying, got all the gear. Yes. May I ask a question?

Frank, if you were caught in that scenario not that you would be now because you're in a lovely long term relationship but at a point in the past had you been caught with your hand in the cookie jar how would you have explained away that? I'd have said that it was one of those timer cameras and that the shutter operator was fitted to an internal harness I think that would have been reasonable Oh dear shutter operator was fitted to an internal harness she was wearing.

I think that would have been reasonable. Oh, dear. It's a remarkable... No, he's got no... There's no excuse, yeah. No. He's just rude. It's odd that, having seen that photo...

He's been identified as rude. His dancing with Miley is now less offensive. Oh, he's dancing with Miley now. It looks like when you get an old person on Strictly. It's like he could say to his wife, he's dancing with Miley now. It looks like when you get an old person on straight list. It's like he could say to his wife, she was only twerking it. Excuse me, can I speak up in defence of, and you can put this in your Thick of It

blog and smoke it. I'd like to speak up in defence of Robin Thicke. The guy's about 36, 44, but anyway. About 36, suddenly he's got famous. How cruel is that? I know it. He's got the wife.

He's got the children. I know it happens. And he can't fill his boots. Yes. Let the guy have a grope. Look, I know what you're saying. Is it going to kill you? Yes.

And I would say, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Yeah. What about that? Yeah. Let he who is without sin don't knock on my door. Frank, we've had a text from John. No, actually, it's from Chesney. It's a very fine line.

They're often confused. Hitler used to have sugar in his wine. Yeah. Oh, sugar in his wine. Go back to the sugar debate. You know, the more I hear about this, it sounds like a right old weirdo. Yeah.

I thought, I've always thought that Hitler was a teetotaler. Did you? No, it turns out he's a bit of, he likes a glass of wine with a meal. Yeah, but Frank, in the bunker, a lot of time on his hands in the bunker. Oh, no, tell me about it. I've been in the Kvaldau suite. Sorry, Steve. The combination of the sugar and the alcohol, maybe that explains it.

Was I wasted last night? Did I invade the Sudetenland? Well, I seem to remember that we used to put sugar in beer and stuff, and it used to explode into massive frothiness. Oh, did it? Oh, God, we made our own entertainment in them days. We've just had an email, Frank, from Sarah,

who says, a small correction for Frank. Twice now he has said, for our readers, it's very hard to read the radio as opposed to listening to it. Double exclamation mark. Ha ha. Well, that's a fair point, Sarah. But how can I put this?

I always call our listeners our readers because they're sort of more erudite, brighter, sharper and funnier than your average radio listener. But you're right to pick me up on it, sort of in the abstract, but in the specific. It's a convention. It's all a little in joke.

But I just love the fact that you've joined in, Sam. I do. I don't think that I think any less of you for it. We've also had an email from... I regard you, can I say that was one of my readers. Yeah, there can be no higher praise. We've had an email from Ian. But that student regards Robin Thicke as one of her readers

and Braille Ian has emailed hi Frank and team thank you for drawing my attention to Miley Cyrus and her twerking I was completely unaware of both of these phenomenons so I checked it out on YouTube I was hoping you had some tips on unlearning something,

because I could have happily gone through my life not knowing this. That's from Ian, aged 39 and three quarters. I don't know if Ian's completely embraced my moral horror at this. He seems to me that he's warm to it. As I say, she's a very beautiful one, and I do like her shoes. Yes, well they're a bit

of a brothel creeper, and you like that. I think they're a bit amateur cricket umpire shoes. Yes! They are, which you don't often see in the Hollywood... The inventor of the amateur cricket umpire shoe has said he feels she's degraded it as a product. And I like it. This is what I've become now. I really like her haircut.

Yes. I love a shaved side on a woman's hair. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Just the little... What would you call that? It's called a buzz cut, darling. A buzz cut. I love a shaved side on a woman's hair Do you know what I mean? Just the little What would you call that? It's called a buzz cut darling Yeah it's so that they look like They've just come back from the Somme

If your son had a buzz cut Would that be if he went full Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver? That would be a buzz cut and a half Buzz cut squared Can we stop talking about this? He's got a lot of updates to do On the Thick of It website. He has to do that whilst he does the show.

I don't know. I'm going to see if I can become a bit of an expert on Robin Thicke without hearing any of his music. If you've not seen the video Two Blurred Lines, it's one of the more depressing things. Well, you've put me off it now. He sounds like some sort of, if I may use the word, filthy creep.

962. Sugar in German wine? It must be so sweet it would be like Wonka's Chocolate River. Wonka's Chocolate River. You know, I've never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Family. Have you not? Oh, don't bother. Chocolate Family. God, that was some terrible Freudian slip.

I'm going to hand myself in to the police. Maybe. Terrible Freudian slip. I'm going to hand myself in to the police. Maybe. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've got a text from 962, Frank, who says, Hi, Scooby and the gang.

Has Frank ever been in a film? Well, I've been in a short film and a long film. I was in a short film called Sugar with Philip Schofield, Stephen Fry and some other people. Oh, I like that cocktail. And then I was in a long film, like a proper feature film, with, it was directed by Ben Miller and my dentist was involved in the writing of it. I've been in SOS Titanic with Helen Mirren,

Memoirs of a Survivor with Julie Christie. Smashing. I kissed her once on, you know your New Year's Eve kiss when it goes midnight and everyone goes round? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I kissed Julie Christie. And Shook Hands with Alan Bates, who, of course, played Gabriel Oak

to Bathsheba Everdeen in Far From the Matting Crowd. Yeah. But regular, absolute listeners will know that anyway. Do you think there's anyone listening now? You were in a short film called Sugar. I was. There's a fella in Enniskillen who watches that six times every morning.

Have you been in a film, Steve? I've never. I've appeared on some dodgy bits of CCTV in Bournemouth High Street, but they were wild times. You know what it's time for now? All my other work, you can look at IMDb. I think I haven't done this for a while. Go on, Frank.

Email Corner I went off it for a while, but now I've kind of got back into it. I sensed you went off it. Yeah. It's got a nice, that felt stronger. Yeah, it did. The whole thing, I just, oh, I'm getting a bit bored of this. And then, you know, I had a couple of weeks off.

That's all you need in life. It's like a relationship. It's like Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. Have a little bit of time off and see if the lights still flicker. Oh, do you think they'll get back together? No. But, you know, I'm just giving... That was a fair example.

I was going to use that window. When I say a fair example... Imagine I went out with Michael Douglas. Imagine he was waiting for me outside here. Imagine if I went out with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Well, let's deal in more likely scenarios. Yeah. He's gettable. He went out with Martin McCutcheon.

He's gettable. Did he go out with Martin McCutcheon? Yeah. Michael? Douglas, yeah. Anyway. Really? He did what? He'll do anything for a cop-priced probiotic. Okay, I didn't know he went out with Martine McCutcheon. They dated briefly.

I can see why. You've got very pinchable cheeks. You're all right, Robin Thicke. No, I mean on a face. You know when you affectionately pinch someone's cheeks? She's got lovely little round, when she smiles, lovely little round cheeks there. I believe she went out with Simply Red, the gentleman. Did she?

She went out with him as well. What's his name? Mick Hucknall and Michael Douglas. Yeah. Wow, they are notches. Yeah, they are. Nothing in common, though. And they look nachos.

Ed Sheeran is essentially the bloke from that. What do you make of that character? He's the bloke from Simply Red, isn't he? Is he? Basically. They look very, very simple. Well, they've just got red hair. No, there's more to it than that.

I'm a big fan of red hair in all its manifestations, but now they've got that sort of... Look, they've dried out. Their faces have been dried out so that they could be stored for a long period. Stay on a long voyage. Some kind. It's a Bombay duck.

Yeah, I'm going to have to play some music here. We're in email corner, but we haven't actually read out any emails. I'm just having a walk about, you know, sometimes just like a bit of a potter at home. I felt a Grayson Perry joke coming on, but I didn't do it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast

from Absolute Radio. We were going to go into email corner. Were they? We're already there. Oh, OK. All right, we've got a bit led astray by Michael Douglas. I can smell the fine spices. Yeah, Michael Douglas. I thought that was Bob.

How's he going to get on, single? Probably very well, I imagine. He's not a man who's ever done it. Well, he's not going to be single, because we've already established he's going to be quite all right. Because I'm going to date him. I can't see him doing his own cooking, though. Can you, wife?

You're Michael Douglas? Yeah. We'll get a dishwasher. We'll get a housekeeper. He's going to be turned up at Absolute Radio. He will again, though, isn't he? Either him, or it's going to be Rupert Murdoch is the one I'm going to date. He's fully recovered.

See, I think that's it. Fresh off behind the candelabra. I think he's, you know, he He was very poorly and he's got better and now it's all about new beginnings and I'm afraid CZJ is one of the old ends that needed tying up. Okay.

I bet he'll be after Miley. Well, he needs to find out if he's gone to people who were in British soap operas and so on. Who's after Cat Slater or someone like that. That's true, actually. If he's got Martin McCutcheon and... Well, that's what I'm saying.

It's not out and around. Hello, Flanagan. Yeah. No, she seems troubled, doesn't she? No, no, she'll be all right. I think he'd be a steady in hand. OK. OK, this is from Michael Robbins.

What, Michael Robbins who played Arthur in On the Buses? No, but very good reference. Okay. He says, hi, Frank and gang. Oh, do me a favour, Olive. Oh. Oh, Arthur. 70s impressionist show there.

You've got your Prince Charles and Margaret Thatcher as well. Hi, Frank and gang. I manage an army surplus store in Wolverhampton. In Wolverhampton. Cool. How can I... I'm surprised with the lack of funding. an army surplus store in Wolverhampton. In Wolverhampton. Call. How can I... I'm surprised with the lack of funding to the forces. There's such a thing

there as an army surplus. I thought there might be an army deficit store. Yeah. People take their 90s camouflage vests and pants, take them in so they can be distributed. Old Manic Street Preachers fan. Redistributed to the boys.

This particular army surplus store is called Commandos. I know what he doesn't sell. The other day I had a guy come in and after about a minute he shouts over to me, he's going present tense, where do you keep the taser guns? Which isn't an unusual question in our type of shop.

I promptly told him we don't stop them mate they're illegal which was greeted by a very surprised really i then added to his already confused state by telling him that only a couple of weeks ago somebody was shot dead by one what which was greeted by a louder and now higher pitched really i concluded by telling him that they weren't for civilian use and were for police issue only. It was the expression of total disbelief that made me think we were possibly talking about different things.

Unfortunately, I'd misheard him. He'd actually asked about the tater guns, spud guns, which we do see in red and blue, all in stock at the moment. Oh, lovely to know that. If you're in Wolverhampton, you're after a tater gun. I haven't thought about tater guns for years. I don't know what they are. What you do is you stick them in the potato and when you

pull it out you've got a bit of like broken off potato in the spout. Why? Then you can fire it through a jib of air. Why would you do that? Because You're just anti because it involves carbohydrates. But it's actually quite a good laugh. Very popular movie series, Starchy Harry. In the 70s.

Lovely. Excellent work. No, they're great. I might get one. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Who am I again? This is Frank Skinner. I actually had a moment there where I couldn't remember my own name.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can tweet us on at Frank on the Radio or email us through the Absolute website. I know I say this every hour, but that's because I have to say it every hour. And hey presto, people have been emailing as well. Oh, good use of hey presto. I'm not the editor of the Dandy.

I think this social media thing is here to stay. Well, we'll see. I doubt if Robin Thicke is saying that this morning. I think you should ring him. Bob Thicke, I call him. Bob Thicke. What about Paul Mulligan has just texted us, Frank. He says,

Martine McCutcheon also dated Jack Nicholson. She must like the older man. She's, I mean, great, though. What a role call. To get a couple of glasses of rosé down Martine and talk about the old days. I bet she's got some stories, isn't she? Michael Douglas, Jack Nicholson.

Lovely. Who else? Don't forget old Hucknall in that triumvirate. Oh, yeah't she, Michael Douglas Jack Nicholson? Lovely. Who else? Don't forget old Hucknall in that triumvirate. Oh, yeah, she did Hucknall as well, yeah. I think that's holding back the years. So definitely at best. Or maybe she can go for Ed Sheeran and collect the ginger set. I won't have gingerism on this show, can I say that?

I'm very part... No, gingerism. I'm married to a ginger. Well, then let's not go over the top. Me thinks he does protest too much. OK, what about... We're still in email. We are in email, sure. We've had an email from Emma, who says,

Dear Frank, Emily and Bit Awkward Alan, apologies for being a bit behind. I've just listened to the podcast of the show where you discuss mispronunciation of words. partner david has some strange ways of saying things frustrating yet amusing me at the same time firstly his pronunciation of hay fever everyone else i've ever met it says hay fever david however has gone his own way and pronounce it hay fever putting all the emphasis on fee in fever hay fever. She then goes on to make a nice move on the cockerel. Peggy Lee character.

Hay fever. It's got a bit of... Yeah. There's an element of hay fever España. I might sound like I've got this strange brand. It's hay fever España. I might try that. It's sort of one of my dad jokes.

Okay, carry on with Emma. Is she done? Well, she makes a nice move on you. What, she? What? She says a dame's move. She lives in Trentham, home of the Trentham Monkey Forest.

She knows the way to my heart. Yeah. Apparently on an old podcast, a fellow reader emailed to say there was a monkey there who looked very much like you. To be fair, I had bright red buttocks at the time. I've just been on a

I've been to an S&M summer school They've cooled somewhat since I would, I love I've been to a monkey world in Wool in Dawson. I hated it when you went to that summer school, it was awful

It seemed like a good idea but it did smart You were like a good idea, but it did smart. You were like a ghost of a man when you came back from that. No pain, no gain. That's what my T-shirt said. Now, so where is this monkey habitation? Wow. Is it somewhere in Devon?

Emma says, if he ever fancies a visit to find said monkey, then let me know. That could take some tracking down. I believe they're sort of virtually in the wild, aren't they? Yeah. They're not manacled in individual booths. That would be a hell of a moment, as the two of you, as your eyes locked. Well, I have had this moment, a monkey world.

A monkey came to the... It was one of the ones that had just got back from being the slave of a Spanish entertainer. Oh, yeah. You can see the cigarette beans, it burns on its arms. They're treated quite awfully. Yeah. And whether it had hay fever or spaniard, I don't know, but it was crying.

But it came to the glass and it looked at me and I looked at him for ages till people were saying, look at that monkey with that man. And I did feel that maybe we'd bonded on some sort of primeval level. Maybe you had some see-through trousers on and the monkey was trying to find a way to politely... I did have see-through trousers on that day.

They seemed to be all right in Dorset. In the wind in central London, they seem a bit pushy. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. pushy frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio we're still an email corner can you believe it we are and we've had we abide us we've had another missive in about pronunciation okay it's not just emma from is it Trenton? This email is from Stuart. He says, dearest all, over the last several weeks,

I've noticed a lot of discussion on the show about pronunciation. This pedant has a simple message for all the other pedants out there. Pronounce pronunciation right. It's pronunciation. Get it right. That is all, Stuart. P.S. Love you all. What's the alternative then? What else do people say?'t picked up on that thanks for spotting that stewart you're right

it's unacceptable that's quite a strong denunciation he's put in there so this is another grammar we love you it's all under the same i was looking at his sentence pronounce pronunciation right and i don't know whether that should be pronounced pronunciation correctly. You've just said it wrong. You've said it wrong. I'm saying it deliberately wrong to annoy him. No, you're not. No, you're not, Steve.

I like to call it the feast of the Annunciation. What about JeJune? What about JeJune? If I may say. Oh, yeah. JeJune is not that time that Gareth Gates, studying for Terry Scott, Terry and JeJune? What about JeJune? If I may say. Oh, yeah. JeJune is not that time that Gareth Gates studying for Terry Scott and Terry and June. I like the word JeJune.

JeJune, yeah, but meaning, you know. Sort of innocent youthful. Yeah, sort of immature. Naive, naive. Sort of naive from the halfway line. But a lot of people say JeJune. As if it's a French. He's very JeJune. I've never known how if it's a French He's very Joujoune

I've never known how, that's a word I've never known how to pronounce It's Joujoune, it's from the Latin Oh I love that you know that Absolute radio here Grammar call If I hear someone say that word with my Semitic heritage I get a bit jumpy Oh I see You play that up quite a lot though

Yeah you do, when it suits you Otherwise I'm an armchair semitic okay, other one is disinterested and uninterested oh I can't abide it when people get that wrong get it right we've had a text from 280 who said that he once

dumped a girl because instead of saying mandatory she said mandatory ah, is that the American version I think that's the way the Americans would say it that he once dumped a girl because instead of saying mandatory, she said mandatory. Ah. Is that the American version? I think that's the way the Americans would say it, yeah. What if she was an American girl? Ah. Sorry, 630 has also just texted.

Re-see-through trousers. Oh, yes. I love a text that begins that way. Who doesn't? This is from a gentleman. I have a pair of trousers my wife discovered for see-through when I wore contrasting coloured undercrackers. However, I've recently discovered a cost-effective solution to this problem. Simply purchase a pair of ladies' nude tights, cut off the leg sections. Hey, Presto, you have a pair of invisible pants.

That's from Douglas. Yes, and can you imagine how carefully you cross the road in that outfit? You don't want to be... When the nurse is saying, right, well, just get these... Can you imagine how carefully you cross the road in that outfit? You don't want to be... When the nurse is saying, right, we'll just get these... Oh. Really don't want to be there for that. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Now, we've had a text, Frank, from 100, who has corrected me. 100? They've said Trentham is not pronounced Trentham, it's pronounced Trentham, silent H, and it's actually in Stoke-on-Trent, not Devon, as I incorrectly guessed. Well, it's not much, isn't it?

So, and that's the thing, because when I make a mistake like that on air, I like to hold my hands up, but I am, to use Emily's phrase, mortificado. Yeah, there's no point in holding your hands up on air. You do know that. That's why I've been wondering why it's not been happening. That's why it's not been acknowledged. And I've been thinking about it, because there are things that drive me insane. Little things where I react disproportionately.

And I've had one such incident this week, where I was bidding on an online auction site for a pair of shoes. Shoes? I have to make it, because I know when the cockerel first joined this station. Oh, really? What? I was bidding for used shoes. That's three seconds kicking in, isn't it? Whose? A celebrity's shoe? No, no.

It wasn't Gandhi's sandals. Gandhi's sandals were for sale. Gandhi's gandals. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, they weren't. They weren't. It's a limited edition trainer that...

I don't care if it's a limited edition. It's an old shoe. Because I have to be tricked, because I know when the cockerel first joined this show, he was fishing quite a lot on air for shoes. Yeah, we had to slap that. Yeah, so I don't want to... These are...

They were on sale seven years ago, and I missed them first time around. But were they... Does that mean someone has worn them? Yes, someone has worn them, yes. Wow. Well, this is that... But that's not...

So the very act of bidding on it was pathetic, and then I lost... I bid 60 quid. But what about trench foot? Does that not work? Excuse me, what about athlete's foot? What about Veruca's? Yeah.

I mean, you know, I don't mind them. I cope with them very well. So I lost the auction. I bid £60 plus potential £6 postage and packing. What did they go for these? They went for about £70. If you wanted them that much. I know, but that's exactly it.

I have been torturing myself with that exact thought. I sulked for three days about missing out on these pair of Adidas Gerdmullers, let's say, full disclosure. Well, they're even named after a German footballer, Vera. Yes, who looks incredibly like Ron Jeremy in the 70s as well. I hadn't seen pictures of him. Thankfully, there aren't any pictures of him on the show. I'm happy to say that.

I absolutely don't know who Ron Jeremy is. Carry on. But I was shocked at how upset... So three days later, I'm still sulking, and my wife had to have a word with me and say, you are aware you're sulking about a pair of shoes that someone else had worn and didn't want. And you said, who has you, Ginger?

It's still in a terrible mood. Have you bugged off, lad? So I was intrigued. See, I think of you as a very mild-mannered janitor. Well, that's the thing. I am a mild-mannered janitor in every respect. Yeah. So I'm intrigued.

Is there anything... No, everyone's got a side. That's the thing. What's your trigger? That's what I'm interested in. Mine is pathetic. It's losing shoes on auction sites. Yeah.

I don't like people getting in my way. Oh, I don't. I don't. You know when you're walking down the street and someone... Those people, they can't walk in a straight line. I don't mean because getting in my way. Oh, I don't. You know when you're walking down the street and someone... Those people can't walk in a straight line. I don't mean because they've got a disability. They're not sure where they want to go. They've just got enough movement

if you're not about to get round. I'll tell you what I don't like. No, mine is... OK, I'm impatient. That's my tragic Shakespearean flaw. So if I'm on the bus, let's say it does happen sometimes, and then someone comes in with one of those Oyster cards,

and they take forever, and then the bus driver's kind and lets them off. You know the compassionate bus driver says, oh, yeah, it's fine. Actually, I go, come on! Like Paxman, come on! Yeah, I walk behind, I walk really, really close to people who are walking slowly,

in that sort of... As if you might just catch the back of their heel. Yeah, just get out of my way. I don't mind them walking slow, but get out of my way. Yeah. I think that's fair enough. Well, I'm intrigued. If the readers have any small things they lose their minds over,

I'm keen to hear. Well, I've just done a TV... Well, I'm doing a TV thing currently on Saturday nights, and it's a sort of game show, so it's my team versus Mickey Flanagan's team. And at one point, the commissioning editor for the show had to come in my dressing room and say, Frank, come on, calm down, it's just a game, I completely lost it. Gabby Logan said she was amazed at how competitive I was. Oh, she called me.

He was a midfielder for Leeds United. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Oh, overwhelming smell of toast in Absolute Radio this morning. Well, that's our time of the day, isn't it? OK. We've had a text from Gabby. Not Logan. Well, that's that time of the day, isn't it? OK. We've had a text from Gabby. Not Logan. No, no.

Her trigger is, people who get on busy trains with massive rucksacks or the ones who have double buggies and force their way onto crowded carriages in rush hour. I have to say, anyone who's got a double buggy, that means they've got twins. Yes.

I think those people should... There should be little avenues formed of people applauding down either side, wherever they go. Because that is just... twins yes i think those people should there should be little avenues formed with people applauding down either side because that is just i just think that's unbelievable anyone can actually do that the raising of twins i've talked about a backpack awareness before on this show that people just don't know it's there it's like it's like it being with a big tortoise turning around and why do you say that about me and Michael Douglas? I'll tell you what I find, Frank, in a shop.

Oh, they take so long. My time is money. I've told you before on this show, I'm cash rich, time poor, so I need to get out of there quickly. So I go to buy a simple top in a Spanish high street retailer, let's say. A man in a black shirt.

He takes so long. I say, come on, come on. I say, don't worry about the hanger. I don't want the hanger. There they are. There's the card. Hand the card over. Sometimes, when he's taking the tag,

I go, don't bother about the tag. Don't fold it. I have a lot of instructions. Well, they're very cool, aren't they, those people? And I think it's hard for them to move in a jerky fashion. No, I was wanting Tommy Hilfiger. Is it Hilfiger or Hilfiger? Uh, figure.

Or is it Spongefinger? Tommy Spongefinger. SpongeBob Hilfiger. Is it Hilfiger? Yeah, it is. So I was in Tommy Hilfiger, and I was looking at a sheepskin coat I quite liked, and I sort of...

Stropney. Yeah. Stropnery moment in your life. Malcolm Allison kind of tribute. Yeah, I tugged it slightly, and the alarm went off. And the three people that work in there were all three really well-dressed, really good-looking young black guys.

Oh, yeah. The alarm went off. It took them about seven or eight minutes to get to me because they can't rush those sort of people. They're too cool. So they were trapped in their own coolness. And I think it's the same with those guys in posh fashion shops. You're right, thank.

You know, it's sort of Madame, my sweet one moment. And then they choke in it. Talking about small things that make people lose it. Yeah. BMXerPunk has tweeted to say, people who get butter in the jam and toast crumbs in the butter. I do that. I must admit, I do that. Sam Miller...

Sorry, BMXerPunk. Sam Miller dislikes people who step into the middle of the road to see if the bus is on its way, like the view from the bus stop is not enough. I haven't seen anyone do that for ages, but I find it slightly admirable. Yeah, I like it. It's got a sort of Comanche scout.

Sometimes they walk up half of the road. They walk up the pavement, so they're ahead in the knowledge. What about that terrible moment you get? I don't know if you get this in small villages, if you're listening anymore, but in the cities, you get this in small villages, if you're listening but in the cities you get the bus stop, maybe 20 feet from the bus stop the bus actually stops, and you think

is he going to come right or is he going to wait there, if I just stand at the bus stop will he go off and you start to move forward and they won't let you oh, oh oh, oh Sandy, this is a mixture of things that make her lose it and pronunciation

she says that she hates it when people instead of saying Penelope they say Penny Lope no, I've never heard of that as a thing no, I think that's one person that Sandy knows no, I've never heard that but I'm not quibbling

589 Rob Murphy hi Frank and gang, my pet hate is when you're stood in a queue and someone invades your personal space by standing very close behind you, as though they're somehow going to get to the head of the queue faster this way. The sensation of someone's breath on the back of your neck or them sniffing or breathing at such close proximity makes my blood boil. Yeah. He's going to go postal.

Takes me back. I imagine he doesn't go through customs very often. I like it when they don't, or I hate it when they don't move forward. You know when there's the person in front of you and the rest of the queue moves forward. They're looking around. They haven't noticed. You think someone else is going to come in if you don't move quickly. That never happens because I adopt my Paxman.

Come on! And also, what about these mysterious attachments you get on email? So you get your attachments on an email, then there's another attachment, you click on that, it's just like a tiny logo. What's that for? That's to look at a tiny logo on a special attachment. Daisy producer sends those sometimes.

Does she? Yeah, why? Why do you send those, Daisy? Come on! Oh, she won't talk. Hold me closer, can you? I won't talk here. Speaking of things that annoy people, what about Alec Baldwin, the American actor?

Yes, he... Who smacked a pap. He did, he properly lost it, didn't he? I love him. Was he at the Palais de Pap? He's one of my favourite psychotic human beings. How many other top ten have you got? I don't have a date with a couple, but he's lovely. We should set the scene, if people don't know the story.

The paparazzi, they basically did the Jurassic Park velociraptor technique, where one of them went in to annoy him. One to distract, yes. And so he lost it on that, and the other one got the shots, and Alec Baldwin went, clever girl. And one thing I didn't know about Alec Baldwin is that his wife is called Hilaria. Yeah, she's great then.

His parents determined she's not going to be a stacked-up comedian. She just could not go into comedy with a name like Hilaria. No. But it was, I really, I mean, I've got, you know, I know that they're human beings, the paps, but I do like to see a celebrity really punch it off. It was great. He still looked good, even wearing shorts

with very high, pulled-up white socks. Oh, no, I'd take issue with you over the socks. I didn't think that worked. I think Baldwin pulls it off. Most people couldn't, but I thought... I think the fact that he was punching a pap made it okay. Made it okay. Yeah, I think...

You know, he punched a pap, and I think if you take the death of Princess Diana, they still are worse. Yes, absolutely. You know, he punched a pap, and I think, if you take the death of Princess Diana, they still are wuss. Yes, absolutely. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. On the subject of people losing over small things, Ian Cassidy has tweeted to say that he once put his foot through a plasterboard wall, and the reason he did that was that he dropped a boiled egg.

That's too much. Sorry. Simply too much. I wouldn't like to leave this week's show without our hero of the week being mentioned. This is the man who, he did one of those, what do they call them? High cost phone lines. Premium rates. Premium rates. He got his they call them? High cost phone lines. Premium rates.

Premium rates. He got his own. Pretending he's never called. Premium rates. What do they call them? Phone lines. I only call them because they say, come on guys, why don't you call me? I believe what they say is, I'm waiting for your call. Yeah, come on fellas. So, he's

got a premium rate phone line and companies when they they call him up cold calling, they're paying like a lot. 70 a minute. He's a hero. He's an absolute hero. He is a hero, but what I don't understand about this, he said he's made 300 quid so far. Why has he told anyone?

Yes. Yeah, that's a good point. Surely the thing is, to keep quiet and just rake it in. Not only are you making money but you're making it from people who are bothering you it's absolutely perfect well what's great is that he'll keep them talking so when they when they phone up and say can i interest you have you been missold some ppi insurance they'll be expecting to get sworn at and yeah and he's like he'll just be there going keep going yeah it's gonna be so more about PPI. Can I introduce a voice of slightly surprising dissent,

perhaps, here? He said his reason for doing this was because I need to spend more time watching Coronation Street and they interrupt me. Oh, did he say that? Yeah. I would argue that human interaction, perhaps that's, you know,

that's to be praised over sitting there killing time till death, watching soaps. Well, to offer an even stranger dissenting voice, I once had a job cold calling. I was selling tickets. You did. I was selling tickets. This is just like, it was like for a week. I had to sell tickets for Stephen Sondheim's Sweeney Todd at the theatre in Stafford

and I had to phone up schools about block bookings and just phone staff rooms and hope for the best and I must say you get to about 3 o'clock and you can't make your hand pick the phone up it's so terrible I phoned Wadlow

he was a teacher I don't know if he was drunk I love the idea of you doing this but I phoned this bloke up and I said, Hello, I wonder if you'd be interested in doing a block booking for Stephen Sondheim's Ex-Lovely, all the spiel. And this bloke said, What the hell do you want from me?

And I thought, hold on a second. I'm going to have to ransom. What the hell do you want from me? I've just told you. And then I started to explain in a calm way and he put the phone down. So it is a... It's a tough job.

So, I mean, it is funny that he's got a premium line, but cold calling. Think of the poor devil's I have to do. Anyway, what the hell do you want from me? Could be something I put on a t-shirt. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

And I'll tell you what, Steve, you won't be with us next week. I won't. The cockerel returns. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Thank you for tolerating me. You've been absolutely brilliant. You can come back any time. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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