The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Twitbook

Episode Date: September 13, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is in need of some serious foot grooming and he explains why. In other news there is a Bieber/Arg roundup, Alun resists the urge to ask someone on a date and the team discuss cameos.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the... Oh, yeah, through the Absolute Radio website,

you can email us that old method. Do you remember last week when I came in, I had a lady driver in the morning who drove me in. Oh, yes, you were quite shocked, I seem to recall. She had a six-year-old who asked her what people are for. Oh, yes. We had that as a texting. Yeah.

She's from, very nice, I had her again this morning, coincidentally. She's from Latvia. Mm-hmm. And we went past a major... You two are getting on famously. Yeah. We went past one of the major department stores on Regent Street in the centre of London,

a conurbation in the south-east of England. And it was that, you know, this odd modern phenomenon of teenage boys mainly queuing for training shoes? Yes. Oh, yes. Is there a new Nike Herarchi or something like that? Well, I mean,

I haven't looked at my alerts. Right. My plimsoll alerts, which I normally have. Plimmies.com. Poms alerts. But I see them there.

You know, one associates teenage boys with this sort of a reckless, rebellious freedom. They have, like, fold-up chairs with them. Oh, yeah. They've been out clubbing like that.

I can't just put this, I can just leave my deck chair in the... They will queue for Plymouth Souls. Yeah. So I said to her, I said, that is amazing. I said, you know, she said, what is that? And I said, no, it's there. They've queued over. I said, the kids have been there. They've queued over.

I said, the kids have been there since two o'clock to get the new trainers. I said, I find it amazing. She said, she thought for a while and she said, I queued two hours for sausage. Haven't we all? I said, that's one of the best East European anecdotes I've ever heard. And then she started rattling off some of the other things she'd queued for. Soap.

Soap. Soap. Yeah, respect to her. What's the point? She said, it's all changed now, so that's progress. We begin on a high note. Yes. Eastern Europe, on the way up, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, dear. That was capital now. I'd have played Lady So, I saw an odd thing this week Now, I tell you what, I'd like your advice I was walking down the high street When I heard footsteps I was walking down the road

And I could hear, no! No! street when I heard footsteps. I was walking down the road and I could hear, no! No! It was Gordon Brown. No, it wasn't. No, I heard this and I thought, that's a bit weird. And there was a woman and she got this

kid on the ground. He got his school uniform on. She was clearly his mum and they were they were like physically wrestling oh they're grappling yeah they were physically wrestling and he was going no i don't want to go and she's going it was just like that was it carrie katona there was people's what celebrity mom of the year and were, I think she'd gone to Iceland. Oh, yeah. She was absent.

People had come out, you know, to see what it was and stuff. And I was walking, I physically stepped over them. And I thought, should I do something here? Because the woman looked like she was having, I mean, but one of the things she did, which was very odd, she reached, while they were wrestling, she reached right out, reached right, you know know like when they're in prison in a cowboy film when they're reaching for the keys uh-huh she did that reach right out and she managed to get one of

his crocs off and threw it over a fence wow can i just say i love this woman i don't know if that was a way of disabling him and so if i get the crocs off he won't get far you know the problem is you can't really get involved, Frank. Well, that was what I thought. I can. Do you know why? If I get involved... Well, no, if I get involved, it's, you know, social conscience. If you get involved, it's a reality show. Let's be honest, because of the cloak of celebrity.

No, but I needn't have played my celebrity card. I thought you could help her play it. If I could have said, no, hold this, I'm four-star comedian, Frank. Do we really need this, guys? Is this what life's about, guys? He could have done that. But I was worried about that thing about getting involved. It was, I feel bad now that I didn't. Did you leave them grappling?

I did. And afterwards, I thought to myself, what if it was actually a mogging? Oh, yeah, and she was stealing his crocs. Yeah. Just one at a time over the fence. Got an accomplice with a bin liner on the side of the wall. I'm implicated. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You know, you were talking about the youths queuing for trainers. Yes. Er, 740, a.k.a. Ian Angle. Ian Angle, a regular. It'll be a pun. This'll be a pun. Yeah. Well, he says you could have a designated phone line for it. The Plimsoll line.

Fantastic. Don't get it. I don't get it. I'm sorry, Ian. You do history. I did do history, but not all of it. Well, you miss out. There's little bits that I miss. Aspects of the 19th century.

Did you do nautical history? Plum salt line. Did the history of medicine? Did the Wild West? There's a line. Did various bits of history. I might get this wrong. Back me up. Okay. There's a line on the side of a ship, which is roughly where it should sit in the water. So the surface of the water so if you're if you've gone too low you've got too much uh cargo on is the idea yeah i think

it was very good frank it's something like samuel plimsoll you know when you hear a name and you think um like you know the typewriter then you find the inventor something like jeff typewriter what's the chances? Like, the saxophone was introduced by a bloke called Sax, right? Yeah. And you know when you associate... I always associate the saxophone with, like, a black man in shades and maybe a slightly long coat standing at a tube station. Yeah.

How very Athena Codd of you. standing at a tube station. Babble, babble! Yeah. How very Athena Card of you. Yeah, it was a very Ronnie Wood painting of me. But it was invented by a Belgian. Really? Yeah, you don't think... But I think, you see, I believe it was Charles Babbage who invented the computer.

May I just say, I think I'd prefer them to be called Babbage's. Babbage's, yeah. Did he invent baggage? Just need to reboot my Babbage. I like the idea that there's a real vague one, like somebody called, you know, Gordon Suitcase who invented the suitcase. Have you got any good inventors' surnames? Do send them in.

I like the very literal ones. When you've literally been... Yeah, 8, 12, 15. When you've literally get someone like Dave Sausage who invented the sausage. That just makes me so happy. Daisy was just saying that she had a showdown, as she put it, in a street with her child.

And I can tell this story, can't I? And a woman came up and said, count to ten. And she counted to ten and it worked. So it's an old advice. Why didn't I say that? I don't know if I would have liked that. No. I just think, I'll deal with this. No, but that's it, you see. That's why I didn't get involved.

When Emily said I would have gone up, would you honestly have said something? Yeah, I think I would have. Really? What if I'd just joined in with the wrestling? But I love a scrap. Pile up! See, if you had said, I've actually got a bit of experience at this,

I know quite a lot of these moves, why don't I just press my chest onto him? Got him in a Boston Crab. Yeah, exactly. Well, I don't know what to say. You've gone straight to a high-level move there, but... He was about ten, so he wasn't small. What was the school uniform like?

Oh, I know what you're driving at here. No, I'm just intrigued. Did it look smart? It was a boater, a blazer and some knee-length socks. It probably looked a bit smarter before he started, rather than about on the pavement. It looked... It was, you know, grey. There was a lot of grey in her school uniform. Grey jumper. It wasn't white with, like, a black belt round it.

No. Yeah, she was wearing a similar outfit. I just assumed she was joining in. Actually, I wasn't in a street. No, I was in a gymnasium. I was crossing a gymnasium as a shortcut. What if it was some sort of prankster show?

See, I just think everything is a prankster show now. Oh. For the interweb. That's why I don't get involved. But wouldn't he have been like a 35-year-old with a wig on? Or something like that. He was definitely a child. OK.

Right. Anyway, I really... I'd like to... What would you have done, Al? I would have probably watched it to see what wrestling they weren't doing well, given that I have an interest, a passing interest in the grappling arts. Would you have held up some signs like they do at those WWs? You need to get both his shoulders on the floor.

But no, I don't think I would have intervened. No, that's kind of difficult. In Cardiff, I once intervened in a man shouting. You intervened in a man?. You intervened in a man? A man was shouting at another man and I sort of stepped in and I got punched in the face for my trouble. Oh, did you?

Yeah. So I might not have done that in case the kid turned on me and then battered me. I told you, look after that face. So that's the message coming from Absolute Radio. Ignore criminal acts against others and just keep walking. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Do I sound a bit strange? No. OK, it must just be my headphones. Sorry, everyone. We've had a few texts in about inventions. You were looking for inventions that were invented by people with the name of the invention. That's what I'm looking for.

So far we've not actually had that, but we have had them from 610. My dad told me Dick Van Dyke invented the DVD player. That's excellent. He says he believed him. I'm not sure. Can I say I love that, Dad? That's great. I wonder if he was known as dvd like um avb you know um and uh henry ford invented the ford that's from simon the art dealer he did that is a fact that is a fact yeah good work what was his big quote henry ford didn't he say all his

trees bonk wasn't that oh did he i think but also said, any colour as long as it's black, and I love him for that. Did he? Because it's very fashion. OK. Did they do a Matt version of that? I don't know. Matt Black?

Matt Ford. Oh, nice. It was quite an obscure remark, but never mind. I threw it in. That's never stopped me on this show before, let's face it. No. I, um, I, I, my, I put my son to bed yesterday, and then he started, not yesterday, before he started crying, so I went up to see what the wrong, what was wrong.

You're going to have a grapple. I think, yeah, he's a bit young for it. If this woman had been grappling with a two-year-old, I think I might have had to have stepped in. Um luckily, I always keep mace. You always carry mace? Mm-hmm. I always carry mace. I didn't use it. Anyway, so I went up to see what he was crying for. And he said, I've got a hair in my mouth. And you know, it's quite nostalgic. I'd sort of forgotten. I'd forgotten about having a hair in your mouth. And I thought, do people still get that?

Well, I love the idea of crying as a result of it. What a brilliant way to approach life. Yeah. I didn't know you would think. He looked to me, I felt like he thought, you know, you're a

senior person. You'll have worked out a way of dealing with it. Right, you'll felt, like he thought, you know, you're a senior person. You'll have worked out a way of dealing with this. Right, you'll have a coping strategy. And you know what? I haven't. And then, would you believe this? I woke up this morning and I had a hair in my mouth. No. I thought you looked a bit red-eyed.

Kate Middleton, 19. No, honestly, I did. And I thought, it's a weird coincidence, but I thought, you know, there must be, you know when you get, everything has got an old wives' tale, if you can say that, an old spouse's tale tied to it. I think it's OK with old wives' tale. Yeah, I think it might be sexist, isn't it? I think it's a phrase that... It's never stopped us before.

It hasn't been updated yet. No. We'll go with the old one. OK. I'm sorry, I'm your diplomatic immunity because I'm in the room. With a matriarchal tale, you'd think there would be something

that is how to get an air out of your mouth. You know what I mean? That you have to do something. Like lick a cat or eat a something. Yeah, lick a cat's tongs. They do tongs for the cat. What sort of thing? Do you know a cat? Eat a bit of blue tack? Cat's got no sort of... Oh, yeah.

Well, not eat it, just chew it. I don't think that's very responsible advice on Absolute Radio. No, no. Eat a bit of blue tack. Can I say something? Hey, I'm spitballing here. But, um, you would be.

That's because of that blue tack. But chewing gum's not a bad shout, is it? No, that seems all right. If you had chewing gum, that was... That's a great idea to give to a child when he's in bed. I meant for me, I couldn't have done it for him. With him, I'd have just done that thing of doing the cellotype

round my hand, like when you're removing lint from a velvet jacket, and then just gone over his tongue with it. I like the fact that you said when removing lint from a velvet jacket, and you looked at me rather than Emily. That was a strange moment. I imagine you own a velvet jacket. Often covered in the velvet. Do you not have a midnight blue

velvet jacket? I don't, although... The Austin Towers. I'd be in the market for one if anybody's going to send them. Don't send it, I'll smash it up. I'm not having a lease. I'm putting it on the brazier, if it arrives. I'm putting it on Jeff Brazier. I think he'll carry it off

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio It may not surprise you to learn that we're having various people text us with the inventor of the toilet so we'll just let's just park that and move on Yeah, okay Thanks for joining in We'll put a lid on it That's very good so we'll just... Oh, yeah. Let's just park that and move on. Yeah. OK.

But thanks for joining in. We'll put a lid on it, yeah. That's very good. I like that Beyonce song. I liked it so much I put a lid on it. That'd be good if it was all the engaged ladies, all the vacant ladies. All the engaged ladies, all the vacant ladies.

Yeah. Yeah. Um. Anyway. Got an edge. She could be called peon seat. Oh, no, it's gone very toilet. It has. I was trying to move things along as well.

I wasn't trying to do a load of toilet-based puns. Yeah, let's raise the tone. Let's talk about the hairs in your mouth. Oh, yeah. But that is, it's... It's a fact of life, Frank puns. Yeah, let's raise the tone. Let's talk about the hairs in your mouth. Oh, yeah. But that is... It's a fact of life, Frank. It happens to us all. Yeah, but I bet there's a cure for it.

We'll find it. Someone will come up with it. I mean, just could you imagine getting an airbrush that hasn't been drawn for a week and just, like, really munching on it? Oh! Exactly. Why is that so bad?

8, 12, 15. week and just like really munching on it oh exactly why is that so bad 8 12 15 so um speaking of um the body the human body when i lived i moved house in um in december some of our regular listeners readers might know and um when where i used to live there was a a chiropodist in walking distance and i i was a regular i'd never i never got in for it before really got into it do you remember that time when he slightly slipped with his um sanding thing and i got a face full of my own foot do you remember that no yeah i was in a shower of my own body it Do you remember that? No. Yeah, I was in a shower of my own body. It was... No. Anyway, that's enough of those old anecdotes. I doubt that.

Yeah, and since I've moved, I haven't found one. And I noticed the other day that I got a wooden floor in the bedroom. I walked across to the day. You know when you hear a dog walk across linoleum? Yeah. floor in the bedroom. I walked across to the day. You know when you hear a dog walk across linoleum? Yeah. Oh, the scratching. This wasn't my nails. This was just the hard skin on my... Oh, have you got Middle Earth feet?

I think I may be a little taller since I've stopped going to a chiropodist. Honestly, it's really... It's building up. There's an espadrille soul forming on the bottom of my feet. How bad is it? It's not... I think I could do... Is it geographical map?

You know when you see a picture of the Earth's core when you're doing geography? Well, it's very hard to see the bottom of your own feet. Good point. I mean, I'm not a flexible man in so many ways. And I don't know how you do that. Position a mirror and sit in a seat. Yeah, but it's a bit of a palaver, I think you'll agree.

It's an Anna Pavlova. If you're passing a shoe shop, you could just go in and kick your shoes and socks off and have a little sit down, couldn't you? You know they've got the mirrors on the floor. Oh, yeah, true. I've got a wonderful Chinese man, and he will sort your feet out for you. Okay.

Who just sands them down. Is he a chiropodist? No. Okay. I'll talk to you about him. But he will basically sand your feet down. He files them down. He'll get rid of all that skin. But he's basically sand your feet down. He files them down. He'll get rid of all that skin.

But he's not a chiropodist. You don't need a chiropodist. What is he, a carpenter? A polish polisher. An odd job, man. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I get it. Sorry, I nearly did the voice.

Hold on. Let's just have a moment. I didn't do it. I didn't get that far. What I'm going to call it is an extreme pedicure. And that's what you need. I'm growing my own... You know those wheelies, those things that kids have? Yes, those trailers.

I'm growing my own wheelies. I think I could probably, on a shiny floor, I reckon I could do between 15 and 20 feet on my own hard skin. That's good. I mean, I've never been to a chiropodist, so if you're getting taller, I could do between 15 and 20 feet on my own hard skin. That's good. Yeah. I mean, I've never been to a chiropodist, so if you're getting taller,

maybe that's the secret of my 6'3 height. Yeah. Perhaps if I went, I might come out and go, oh, you're wrapping your trousers up. Would that work? Is that right? Wouldn't the height be below the trousers? If there's any mathematicians,

if I had an inch of hard skin removed off the bottom of my feet, would I have to turn my trousers up or would it be from another area? I can't work that out. There's a solution to hair in the mouth as well, Frank. Oh, okay. Well, let's have some adverts. Otherwise, the entire

station will close down. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's quite nippy in here, Frank. It is a bit. And Alan offered me the use of his socks and I'm debating whether to take him up on the offer.

What say you? I offered some clean socks. I did say I've got some clean, warm socks in my bag. I think I made it clear. Are they sort of black nylon football socks? I'll have a look if you want. OK. I think they're a... I think it's a lovely offer.

Shall I do it? Well, why not? OK. They're clean socks. If you're perishing because of the air con, then, you know, why not? Fill your boots. And this took me into a reminiscence

from Smethwick's Supplementary Benefit Office in the 70s when a young woman said to an old man can I borrow your socks? My feet are cold. And he refused. She really pressed it as well. Come on, it's a body of socks. Feet are cold.

He was wearing them, can I point out. He wasn't carrying socks. How could she put them on when he was wearing them? Well, he'd have to take them off. He was wearing them, kind of points out. He wasn't carrying socks. How could she put them on when he was wearing them? Well, he'd have to take them off. That's the process. He takes them off, she puts them on. No, I don't, you know very well what I mean. I don't think she was suggesting that she slid her feet into his socks. I mean, I just think it's a

disgusting prospect. Well, yes, it was. I was appalled. Well, I say that, but I'm about to slip into the cockerels. Okay. And relax. Do you know what I could do? Those piranha... You know those piranha that do your feet?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the fishies. That'd be a good word, dear. Let's go for a fishy peddy, Frank. All of us? It'll be pretty... No, I said nothing about you. I think I'll have to call into them first.

I'd let them soak for half an hour first before you go at them because they're pretty brittle. What I need, perhaps if I got, say, five or six devil dogs in a sack, put my feet in there, just to break the crust of it. The devil dog peddy, I love it. Yeah. So, the devil Dog Petty. Now, their second album was brilliant.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I saw a pig this week. What? Did you? Yeah, often. It's the thing you see in central London. What on? No.

I went to a sort of of one of these urban farms. Again? You know what I'm talking about? And, um... LAUGHTER And, uh... What was on offer? Because, no offence,

but I've found there's a lot of threadbare rabbits when I've been and not much else. Well, there was one pig, which I felt like I'd been in solitary for a pig and it's one of these animals which i've moaned about before on the show that wouldn't come out so she's largely in her living quarters i think she and just lying lying around on grass there's a lion but really oh you're expecting from a pig gymnastics display i know but i mean really not making any sort of effort at all. OK.

And there was two cows. Aren't there always? I think that was about it. I think they might have been sheep, but, you know... I hate it when they put... They don't count, do they? Sometimes they put a dog in a pen. And if you count them, of course, you can become drowsy.

Yeah. Yeah, I didn't see a dog in a pen. I know, I've seen that where they pretend that's one of the farm animals. You can't do that. No, no. But the pig was, I mean, I suppose, you know, even so, it still seemed quite exciting to see two cows and a pig in the middle of London. Where was this?

In the same way that, say, if you had, say, if you went into the country and held up, say, an iPad. Yes. You can imagine low traffic coming out of their cottages to come and have a... say, an iPad. Yes. You can imagine coming out of their cottages to come and have a... It was like that. Like I'd gone to them. They'd come to me. Yeah, I liked it.

You have to wash your... The advice on washing your hands is obsessive in the extreme. You have to wash your hands like... If you look at a pig, you have to wash your hands. Right. If you look at one. Yeah, just to look at one. Just in case, in your mind, you imagined its coarse exterior. Coarse, nice. It was hairy, one of those really hairy pigs.

You know, you think pigs, they're not that hairy. They're not soft, they're her suits. Except in illustrations. That hair in your throat. Give it a kiss goodbye. I like a bit of crackling. It's the backs I don't like. The backs? They've got backs like Madonna.

Yeah, luckily it was wearing a frock coat. Oh good. So that wasn't really her problem. The pig in the city anecdote I think is the one that could swing the award for us this year.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Ellen Cochran. Helen? Helen. Yeah. It's a girl's day here. Text in on 8-12-15,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've already had an email in. Well, actually, I believe it's a text. 671, Frank, Emily and Alan, I think my mum has an OC, obscure crush, on the cockerel. But she's married with three children, so keep your chicken drumstick off.

That's fine. Also, Dare of the Triffids was a question on Pointless, Emily. Oh, my God! Was it? Yes! What, a general one about the book or about your particular production from the 1980s? I don't know, but obviously I'll be ordering that immediately.

Oh. Ordering it, you say? Yeah. Don't ask for the married with three children. That's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's good to be an obscure crush of anyone.

You can't write people off because they're married with three children. No, not at all. Doesn't mean that they haven't stopped longing. And hey, who knows what the future brings, eh? Lovely. Russell Grant. Justin Topa. Justin Topa. Justin Topa?

Yeah, he knows. Oh, yeah, he does. Oh, God, yeah. Meg. Oh, yeah. I don't think of any more. You think of any more? No.

They're not as big as they used to be. I'm going to call them your Mount Rushmore of astrologers, really. Yeah. It doesn't get bigger than Topher. Well, so... Go on. Grant's bigger than Topher. Grant is bigger than Topher.

That's what we say in our house when we're arguing about clairvoyance as we sit around. Bing Crosby there with his arguing against clairvoyance. About clairvoyance. New single. I think it's time for a bit of Bieber watch on this show. Now Mystic Meg's a phony.

She worked for a newspaper, writing things like weather, when suddenly took on the stars um bing yeah i don't know if it's working mate yeah right i don't think bing took it well see i think i don't think bing was familiar with the concept of yeah right either somehow i see if you can corroborate this emily dean i have a suspicion that mr frank skinner when hosting this show has in case of emergency break glass if he's not being funny i think he bursts into song i think he's not being funny if he thinks

he's not being funny he bursts into song i'm segwaying into this justin bieber story you may have noticed i think frank burst into song bieber got booed by a crowd bieber got booed bieber got booed and uh and he stripped down to his calvins not calvin classics no cal only had been wearing calvin classic i mean then it would have been comedy with the elastic band slightly separated from the main garment. I'm really afraid. And they weren't gripping the top of his thigh. He's just sort of gone baggy like a couple of years in.

The thing about them is they're too tight on the top of the thigh. At first. Does the elastic band get liberated from the pant area? I think it takes part in an independence vote. Over time. It steadily moves away, is what happens. That's what happens. If you're not careful, you can be out walking wearing just the elastic band.

He was naked, almost, except for the Calvins. But he turned the gig around. They were booing him at a fashion thing, and he stripped down to the boxer shorts, and they cheered him. Yeah. Amazing. He's hench, isn't he?

It's worth knowing, though. It is, yeah. In fairness to Bieber, it's not a torso to be trifled with. No, he's got lower body fat, so he's got a six-pack there. I think there's a lot of people who'd like to trifle with the Bieber torso. Indeed. If I was at a gig and it was going badly, I can't imagine stripping down to my pants.

I can imagine you bursting into song, though. I tell you what, I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day. It's not a good idea. Not the feet, just the... And what I've found is that you rarely see one upright but I look like a pterodactyl if you can imagine a pterodactyl upright you know that sort of

pointy, shouldered hunched thing you know what I mean you've got body dysmorphia if I went I could probably get work in a Ray Harryhausen movie. Oh, I dream of a body like that.

What, a pterodactyl body with his, I dream of pterodactyl. And his pointy edges. I, um, there was something weird going on, though, with, uh, with Bieber's. He had a thigh gap. He did have a thigh gap. But, I mean, he had quite a a thigh gap. He did have a thigh gap. But, I mean, he had quite a big thigh gap. Yes. It looked like he'd got a pair of Lego boxer shorts on

and someone had taken a brick out the middle. Oh. He said, when he stripped, he said, so what's up, is that cool? Oh, it's a bit needy. Yes, I just think... There was something wrong about what was downstairs on Bieber. There was a gap.

I mean, an actual gap. What are you suggesting? I don't know what to suggest. You're saying he's been in some kind of accident. I think he might... I mean, he does ride motorcycles, but I don't think it's had an effect on his gait. It looks like he thought, I'm going to strip around to my pants, so I'll take this whole controversial section out and leave that.

Right. It looked like there was a piece... I mean, look, I don't mean... Like he's wearing invisible boxer shorts, like made of... Are you saying he looked a bit Kendall? Well, more so than... I really couldn't work it out.

It was like a square gap at the top of his thighs. I mean, square, and... Yeah, I think that's just the shape of the trunk, is it not? You know what I think this is? I think you've overanalyzed that section Klein by name, Klein by nature That's what we say in Germany

This whole story about Bieber has made me realise That I actually don't know any of his songs. I just know him as a media figure. Which is why I was very grateful for the capital letter because the news article says the baby singer first appeared on stage in a powder blue coat but baby is a capital B because if it was a small it would be the baby singer.

That's the only way i learn about the modern back catalog capitals the crazy for you star yeah yeah that's that's how i that's a baby singer in a powder blue coat does make beaver sound really really young i know i know he is young but he's not a baby singer in a powder blue coat is he what happened to the powder blue coat when he took his he took it off he created threw it on the floor? I imagine he created quite a bit of litter for a little while. When he left, did he gather all his clothes? Oh, did he have to run around in his socks gathering everything up?

No, but you know when you walk and then you drop one of the socks and you have to stop and pick it up and all that? It turned out he had it all in one of those drawstring JD sports bags. Oh, that's right. I thought he rolled it up in a towel. You know what disappointed me? It was that Lara Stone was quoted as saying, he said, is that better?

Lara Stone was on stage with him. Yeah, she was co-presenting it. And he said, when he stripped to the Calvin Classics, he said, is that better? And she was quoted as saying, somewhat, which I thought was brilliant. Somewhat. But it turned out she only said so much, and she was quoted as saying somewhat which i thought was brilliant but it turned out she only said so much and i wish it had been somewhat because that was very dame maggie smith somewhat joyfully either withering or encouraging that's

yeah what does so much is that so much so much better oh i say so much yeah yeah i couldn't do that i couldn't adopt that policy as you know maybe she'd say comquot it's a bit of a bit of a dig i always ask comquot hey come on give me a break here doing my best i'm trying to turn this around here what are you doing doing my best here but it's freezing. Yeah. Calm clot. Now, get quit there! Now, cut that out! Under the powder blue coat that he was originally sporting,

he had, like, a black vest garment on and then some black trousers. I don't like a man in a black vest. He still confidently stripped down. See, I think even if I'd only put that black vest on just before entering the stage area, when I stripped down, I would have belly button fluff the size of a squash ball, I think.

Do you know what? I'm a one-man belly button fluff machine. I know this is wrong, but I'd love it if you stripped down. Yeah, it's not... Oh, hey, ho! No, just because. No, just, it would amuse me. And I don't think things would ever get that desperate for either of you.

I've got to be honest. I mean, Frank, you obviously say, you've said this before, haven't you? You've pointed out that when people feel the need to sort of either put overly lavish clothes on or none at all, you say, obviously, you've got a lot of faith in your material. Mm-hmm. There's some truth in that. How do you both feel about that? I'm sure... Have you resorted to anything ever that you're ashamed of?

Um, well... My act. Yeah. Yes. Basically, years of new laddish yobbishness is what I turn to. And it works. I'll stop with it. At bad gigs, I wish I had a coping strategy like strip-off, but I basically just do my act a bit quicker

and go home slightly earlier. Yeah, just do it a bit quicker. But I think, and this is perhaps a stand-up comedy show of his secret, but it's well known that when your time is nearly up, say if you're doing a 20-minute set at the comedy store, they would give you a red light on say 17 or 18 minutes so I think what happened was Bieber was meant to do 6

and he came on he started getting booed he looked up he saw that the light wasn't on and he thought I'll kill a bit of time I'll strip off and then they lit him on 5 and he thought we're in the home straight now so he was just killing a bit of time waiting for his red light technical insight there he's waiting for his red light to come on in.

World of live entertainment. I saw one of the best turning round of crowds. I'll have to tell you this after, because again, adverts. I saw a man turn a crowd from a silent group into a communal party at one stroke. Later. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. My turning a crowd round thing.

What happened was I was at a hotel and it was New Year's Eve. I don't like this story. We went down for dinner and the hotel manager had decided that he would because it was New Year's Eve he was going to make the whole thing communal

so when we got down he'd put all the tables into one big circular table and all the guests none of whom knew each other we all had to sit around one big table right there was like 20 of us, I suppose.

Yeah. And no one, but people spoke to the person I was with, but no one spoke to each other at all. It was the most terrible, excruciating, silent failure, social failure. And suddenly this bloke got up, quite like a fat bloke with a mustache and he went uh i feel good and we all and we all everybody everybody went uh everybody did that i mean you just had to do it and then he did the whole thing. And we did all the... And it sort of completely turned things around. So remember that if you're at, like, a family...

James Brown. Or just start singing I Feel Good. Yeah. OK. I'll bear that in mind. Yeah, definitely don't do that at a funeral. What's the next line in I Feel Good? I knew that I would now.

Now. Now. Isn't it I knew that I would of? No, he's not from Birmingham. No, I think it was... I knew that I would. Now. Now. Isn't it I knew that I would of? No, he's not from Birmingham. No, I think it was... I knew that I would of. You know when people say of instead of have? I think it is.

I think he says, I knew that I would of. No, he's not from Dudley. He didn't say that. We don't know he isn't from Dudley. We do. That is in the public domain. He also, the third line is an albinia. Either. I think he goes in the public domain he also the third line is an albinia

either I think he goes I feel good I knew an hour would have honestly wow that's some weird syntax he's got going on there no it's that thing

you know the kids make this mistake when they say would have instead of would have yeah you'll see I mean he was a pretty senior figure at the point that he was a pretty senior figure

at the point that he was still singing it in that way. Well, they've just made a film about him, so we'll get to the bottom of this. As it happens, we've had 177 texting. Ken Daltz playing James Brown, which is a weird piece of casting. 177 has texted Frank. Are you going to read this?

Yeah, I'm going to read it. I don't mind. Okay, good luck. He's not going to shoot the messenger, is he? It's coming from 177. I'm just reading it to him. Frank, surely your reaction to a fading gig is kissing Greg Davies. That's absolutely correct. We should say Frank wants to do that on... We did cover it on the show, didn't we?

What was it, Frank? It was on Let's Dance. Let's Dance for Comic Relief. You know what, Dan? You know what Dan's talking about Friday? If you hadn't have stopped me then, I was just's Dance. Let's Dance for Comic Relief. You know what, Dan? You know what, there's a Friday... If you hadn't have stopped me then, I was just about to say Let's Die for Comic Relief. And yes, it was...

We did do that. We kissed. Which is a thing. If ever you see two males kissing on the telly, I don't mean like a gay kiss moment, but like comedians horseplay, it's the last measure. Oh, is it?

It's that moment when they open the last tin of prawns in Captain Scott's snow-covered tent and they know they're all going to die. It's the last thing. So you're quite right, well spotted. Is that what ended them, seafood? I think that's what, was it prawns? Did they eat prawns?

I've no idea what they ate. That would have done it. No wonder. They made their own minds up, you know. They weren't forced to go. Yes, you heard it here first. It's about time that the record was set straight on that. They were reckless.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Frank, you may remember on this show that we actually announced some live breaking news not long ago, which was to do with this disappearance of Arj. Oh, I thought you meant the previous link when Frank was saying that they were reckless. What, the Scott expedition? Captain Robert Falcon Scott's team. That was also a form of life-breaking news.

That was our ticker tape. Yes. But Frank... You said that that would be all over the Sundays tomorrow. Andy Cat. Was that Winebridge? Anyway, yes. Anyway.

I remember the... I remember exactly... Arge was lost. Yes, I believe you broke the news very sensitively by saying Arj once was lost but now is found to the tune of Amazing Grace. Yeah, it's lovely. It was a lovely way to talk about

Obviously I was struggling. Yes. But Arj has spoken out about the missing hours in his life. Oh, that spoiled it. Well, I was worried sick. He says. Oh. Well, I was worried sick. Hmm. He says... I can't say I was worried sick.

Hmm. I've got to be honest with you now, to be absolutely laying my cards on. It was like... Have you ever... I remember once, when I lived with David Baddiel... Yeah. And we got a Christmas card from Corrie Paradise. Hmm.

Local Indian restaurant, which is nice. And we mislaid it. Uh-huh. I wasn't that bothered if we didn't find it. You know what I mean? I mean, it wasn't someone I knew well. A good bit of arge to Curry Paradise. I felt the same about... So insensitive.

I thought, if we don't find him... Oh, was this Curry Paradise story a sort of parable? I think he likes a Curry Paradise sort of thing. Yeah, I could have, you know, it wasn't one of the cards I was desperate to find. We'd get up there on the ribbon. We'd put the ribbons up. It was all about filling the ribbon.

And I think in many ways art is all about filling the celebrity ribbon. Yes. When one puts up the celebrity decorations. I would agree. I don't quite know who he is, really. Oh. But people like him, don't they?

I remember Argent, the band. Hold your head up. Ah, hold your head up. Vaguely. Well, he's got a similar name to them. Well, that's cleared that up. Anyway. Sorry, Miss Jackson.

Arj was... It was very simple. He was meant to get on a flight. He missed his flight. So he checked into a hotel. Can I point out he missed his flight by being at the wrong airport? He was at the wrong airport. We've all done it. And he said, I basically just chilled in the hotel with no battery. I don't like the sound of that.

Yeah, I struggle with this. The cleaner woke him up. She knocked on the door. The cleaner's summer Hetty Wainthrop investigates time because why the hotel staff, who had his name, didn't realise he was missing, I don't know. That's a good point, yeah. But she knocked on the door.

She said, you're missing. Why didn't he have to not disturb her? Well, they tend to ignore that anyway, don't they? In most hotels. Why didn't he have a battery? There's all sorts of questions. Why didn't he have a charger? Is he literate?

Is he literate? What do we think? I mean, did he put up, please make up my room? When he meant, he meant, please do not disturb. Yeah, please make up my room, and while you're at it, make up my excuse for disappearing. Was it a publicity stunt, do we think? I wonder.

I mean, the most shocking thing, the moment when I was genuinely concerned was when I discovered he had an agent. The moment when I was genuinely concerned was when I discovered he had an agent. And the agent was waiting for him at the airport. Where were they going? They were flying somewhere. Oh, he's going abroad with his agent.

I mean, what are they doing? You were on in London and he's flying somewhere. Where are they going? Seems wrong, doesn't it? Yeah, Sundance Festival. Any sense at all? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, I need to talk to you about my week because... Can you both stop looking at Sky News, please? I did something... Sorry, I absolutely hanker for a top-tock. I don't mean plastic surgery. We'll talk about it afterwards. I did something a little bit trendy. Ice bucket challenge. I won't do that.

I think it's disrespectful to the victims of the Titanic disaster. Good point, good point. I won't do it, but just because of my hair. Vaping. No, I went to a gig. Oh. Now, I don't often go to gigs for reasons which will become clear. Was it the Royal Opera House?

Presently. No, I went to Kasabian. Oh. I'm glad I pronounced it right. Imagine if I'd have said Kasabian. Yeah, that would have been better. Kasabian. I'm going to call them that. Imagine if I'd have said Casabayan. Yeah, that would have been better. Casabayan. I'm going to call them that now.

Kind courtesy of Absolute Radio. Nice. It was an intimate gig. I took Daisy, producer, with me. She went a bit Mum's Gone Wild. Did she? You know when the mums have to stay in too much and they don't get out that often.

Oh, right. Yeah. Like babysitter o'clock. It was hands in the air like she just didn't care drunk by about 7 45 yeah another um i kissed a girl and i like it uh okay when you say it was an intimate gig how small are we talking it's funny you should say that because i was told it was intimate now if I'm told there's going to be an intimate evening with celebrities, any more than seven, I'm a little bit surprised.

There were about 500, would you say, days? Yeah. I imagine that's quite small for a Kasabian gig, says the man who... Passive iron. Well, to put this in context, I was offered Kasabian tickets for last Friday night in Manchester, but I had to reject them because I was in London in readiness to perform on this very show a week ago. And then I was also offered a trip to the Kasabian show on Tuesday night. All right, we all know you're one of the gang.

And I had to turn that down also because of a professional engagement. So I'm pretty upset about that. OK. But the first one that I turned down was in an arena, so they're an arena band. OK, shall we talk about the things you didn't do or the things I did do? Coincidentally, I once turned down Tina Arena.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, about 500 now. Yeah. Intimate. Yeah. We're on an elevated tier section. I've got a stamp and a wristband.

I was like a pig in the city. Yeah. And... It wouldn't come out. I like being in an elevated tier section. I checked out Kasabian's hair everything's fine, there's no Prince William issues it's quite big, big hair

what about Serge? how many would you say there are? four I love the way how many are there like someone asking the population of Manchester how many are there? about five I reckon well four is about five

well I think it's five anyway How many are there? About five, I reckon. Well, four is about five. Well, I think it's five. OK. Anyway, Daisy and I... It's good that we're presenting a show on a rock stage. One of the country's leading music things. You don't know how many people are in Kasabian. I like their music, but I can't do a count while listening to it. No.

Because they could have double-recorded stuff, couldn't they? Well, exactly. So Daisy and I, we hung out with the breakfast crew, the OC. We hung out with Richie, who was charming. We didn't see much of the OC, because he was a bit bridezilla. He was running around. It was his big night, I think. Was he hosting it?

No. He's introducing people. No, it was Pete Donaldson. Oh, right. He was too busy to speak to us as well. Mm-hm. Oh. But what I found about Cassette

Cassabian is that I like that they don't do own stuff like Kate Bush. They do all the greatest hits, which is good. But tell you what I hated? You can't talk. And I realised this about gigs. I love talking, Fang. That's all I like to do. I've actually discovered

that. So I was talking and I could see. I mean, that Rich. So I was talking, and I could see. I mean, that Richie was thinking, well, this woman never shut up. I just, I hated having to be quiet, because I think, however good their music is, how could it possibly be more interesting than what I've got to say?

I'm sorry. I mean, this is the first time I've ever thought this about you, but would you have genuinely been happier at the Wetherspoons around the corner? I love Casablanca, but I just would rather be sharing

a funny anecdote. So I just pushed the hell on through. I talked about it the entire night. Oh, God. Oh, you're one of those. One of those people. I feel the same revulsion I did when you said that you drive in the middle lane all the way there. No, I became like a musical accompaniment.

My drone throughout the night no i know you actually you've been behind me um at every hospitality gig i've ever been to there's always someone saying yeah well i went i saw giles and we had some really great grass down there never have i more wanted a backpack flamethrower than in the hospitality. Well, Kath, my girlfriend Kath, went to the Friends and Family Kate Bush gig. Oh, did she? Which was a very...

Friends and Family, that was quick. Yeah. Family already. And she sat behind a well-known actress, who I probably shouldn't name, who talked throughout, and even talked in a slightly, you know slightly taking the mickey out of the show I won't have that

unacceptable black mark there to Fiona Shaw you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio want your Frank fix a little sooner listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio across the UK on digital radio

mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show 181215. If you please. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio if it suits you. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website

if you have time. Nice, nicely done. I realise I'm reading it as a command. Yeah, you don't want to boss them around, do you? Not the readers. I don't have it in me. No. Not nowadays.

As Bing Crosby said, yeah, right. When's it going up? Sorry. Oh, you're not going to not burst into song just because of what I said? Exactly, mate. You've made me self-conscious. Are you really? Well done.

I like it. Alan said earlier in the show that Frank likes to burst into song if he thinks he's not being funny. It wasn't meant as... Just a recap for any readers that missed that as combat quite awkward moment in my life well it's not it's been it's not been as awkward as when i said that um i thought the first episode of this series of doctor who was all right and uh and i thought cricket was a terrible game i mean that was a real they were both quite awkward moments yeah but you know we got through it i wonder why frank employs such

honesty around him i think it's good you could just have sycophants who agreed with you yeah mate great i could but uh i don't want to yes man or as the french i think call it a wee a wee hum i don't want to wait i don't want to surround myself with wee Homs. No, that's a good rule. On the subject of the Doctor Who, and to a certain extent your forthcoming appearance, there may be a new headline-grabbing cameo in town. I don't know if the readers will be aware, but Hollywood superstar George Clooney... George Clooney!

George Clooney. George Clooney! George Clooney. George Clooney, the... You know him. Crazy for love star. Looks like Greek... George Clooney. Or as I call him, Greek dad on the school run. Gorge, Gorge.

And he's going to take a guest role in TV hit Downton Abbey for a charity sketch, apparently. Well, that's... He's not quite doing... It's not quite a cameo, is it? He's not quite doing Downton Abbey, is he? He could just be in Downton Abbey, surely, if he, like, phoned his agent. Unless his agent is going to somewhere with Arge.

Imagine they've got the same agent. They've got the same agent. So, who do you represent at the party? I've got, er... George Clooney, erm... Arge, I've got. I've got George Clooney. Arge I've got. Sorry? You know Arge?

Arge? What is that? You know Arge. You're from a town. Clooney I know. Arge? Who is this guy, Arge? Steve, why don't I know about Arj? Steve laughs Steve laughs

Okay. I wish Arj would go out with someone called Tina. Steve laughs Steve laughs I was gonna say Arj and Tina. He's coming. Steve laughs Steve laughs Good. Very good. Coming round tonight. Don't cry for me. Steve laughs Steve laughs

Very good. Um, anyway, where were we? Yeah, he's, uh- We went down on the school run, not that fast. George Clooney's gonna go into, uh, to go into Downton Abbey for a sketch, but I still think he could get in it. He could get in it, couldn't he? He could do something about the Boston Tea Party.

I might have got my history wrong, time-wise, but they could fit it in, couldn't they? They could just put in... Well, they could have... Certainly, an American could turn up at any time at Downton. Well, they've got to the First World War now, have they? Yeah, so they're... I think they've got. I don't follow it.

I don't keep up with it. Will there be a point when they'll be in space? Yes. They're going to keep, because they're rattling through the centuries. Are they? Well, already the First World War, I think, has been and gone. Wow. It's a bit like Doctor Who in that respect.

awards, I think, has been and gone. It's a bit like Doctor Who in that respect. But this is a sketch on ITV's Text Santa. Oh yes, are you familiar with Text Santa? Yeah, but I have to say, and don't get me wrong, all charity

obviously does good ultimately. But I'm worried about, since he's signed with an Argy's agent, things have gone wrong for Clooney. Really? Argy's agent has said to him, the thing is, George, if you're going to do a charity show in the UK, there's only one, there's only one you really want to go for, and that's

Tech Santa. Is that, is that the right advice? That's not the big one, is it? No. Mm. It should have gone. What he's done, he was trying to get Ard on Tech Santa. Yeah. And they've said, no, no. And he said, I'll tell you what, what if I can get Clooney on?

Will you take Ard? I bet you Ard is a sort of a well-meaning house boy in that same sketch. Can I tell you something? What I think's going to happen next, you know, they'll both be on Let's Dance for Comic Relief. The kids. Oh, yeah? Arjun Clooney. The same age as my life's had to live.

Don't cry for me, Arjun Clooney. Yeah? Well, let's just, you just watch what's happening. I know how this business works. Don't worry about that. You don't. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

I had a text in Frank from 056 who's not listening live he's at a funeral at the moment but he said he came home the other night should it be texting? I don't know and I turned on the TV and there was Frank on top of the pops too,

playing the French horn. Can Frank actually play the French horn? Well, no. Oh, OK. It's just that we were miming to the track. This is when Three Lions was on top of the pops. We were miming to the track and so I thought I might as well go through the miming ceiling.

You were doing a sub. TV fakery, yeah. My manager, however, plays the French horn at orchestra level. Is that true? That's helpful. 056 also says, I heard Nugget text another show the other day. He's moonlighting.

God damn it! I heard that Nugget signed up with Arj and George Clooney's agent. That's the big three. They're there. That's the big three. They're there. That's, uh... What about if you married someone called Mabel? Mabel Arge, she'd be called. Mabel Arge.

No, it's a bit like Marble Up. Oh, what a beautiful morning! Anyway, I had an exciting cameo, of course. Well, of course. In the Doctor Who. No, I wasn't on about that. Well, that's yet to be aired. What were you in then?

I was the mystery voice on a local radio show on Emmerdale. Were you? Shut up, you weren't. Yeah, so the plot was, you know, that they thought they'd won ten grand or something. And they got to hear you. And, yeah, and in the end, I think they got the voice wrong or something.

And they guessed Adrian Charles, and it was you. But, you know, it's another tick on the list. You know, it's one of the country's leading soaps. It is. What about Pope John Paul II in Brookside? Do you remember that? No. Yes, because Sheila and Bobby Grant, I do remember they went to

Rome. He was in the background when they went to Rome. And the brilliant thing was it did say as himself. He was in the credits. Fantastic. Pope John Paul II. Brilliant. That was the best one. The best? It could have been John Paul II as God's representative on Earth.

What about if they'd gone that far? That would be great. What about that for a credit? I mean, I don't think it's the best, though. Surely the best is Alan Cochran as barman in Not Going Out. Oh, yes, that gets brought up quite a lot. The more I think about it, the more I think that that barman must have changed jobs or perhaps they've started drinking in a different establishment

because it does not seem to be coming to fruition as a regular role for me. What about when Jack D'Amanio walked into reception on Crossroads? I don't remember that. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? It did happen, but if anyone gets that, I would congratulate them. Anyone who knows... Jack D'Amanio was actually a leading figure in radio in this country. Is that right?

So let us, you know, full respect. In fact, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm going to play this just for Jack D'Amanio. OK. Hello, Mr Radio. We don't do enough D'Amanio bass requests on Absolute Radio. Oh, fine. Chris Lowe. Now, do you know the Pet Shop Boys one? Mm-hmm.

The one with the baseball cap? Oh, yes. The one who isn't the other one, basically. Yeah. He had an encounter with Helen Daniels in Neighbours. Did he? I can't remember what it was exactly, but I'm sure he was in Neighbours. He was. Oh, there's some good Neighbours cameos. Yeah.

Are there? Who else? Oh, yeah, Russell Crowe. Clive James, Russell Crowe. Yeah. I can't remember the others now. Give me a second. No, it's all right.

I'm not prepared to give you a second. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what, shall we go to the corner? Oh, yeah. Oh, you know what that means, the corner? Oh, yeah. The jingle. Here we go.

Just gets better. It's a growler. Yeah. It's a growler. I have in my possession an email to read to you. Greetings, mirth-makers. Is it from the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler? That's what that sounded like.

I have in my possession. Apropos of nothing at all, I thought I would point out a curious use of language on the show. I think that might be apropos of something. Frank often says underestimated when most people would say underappreciated or undervalued. While etymologically correct, let me see what he's done.

He's put correct like I say it. In modern English, underestimated is usually used in relation to something's strength, rather than to make a judgement of its worth. Even if this missive reaches Mr Radio, I have no doubt he will continue to use the word in his own unique way, in keeping with his reputation as a bit of a linguistic git. Why is it always me that's the bearer of bad news on these?

I don't know. So I'm using that wrongly if I say someone's a real underestimate. I think you're saying that you're using it rightly but somewhat unfashionably. Oh, I see. What about when people do what they call a guesstimate? Oh, yeah. You know when they say, well, a guesstimate would be blah, blah, blah. If they are a bit low,

have they underestimated? Yes. Do people say that? No, but you could start it. Okay, I'm going to say that. Well, I think you will. You are a tastemaker and a trailblazer, after all. In that case, maybe things that I,

lots and lots of people like, but I'm not that keen on. It could be said that I underestimate. Do you see what I mean? Because my yes is much, much fainter than this. No, that one doesn't work. OK, I'll do that one then. It's a terrible one.

That was just, you know, I'm throwing it all out there. Isn't it a lovely day to get caught in the rain? He adds, P.S. No night's move from me. I don't think my neck of the woods needs any introduction to Emily. Prisoner 781-27 Muswell Hill. Oh, he's in the North London area. 27 years old. Oh, that's why.

Well, it could be his address, 27 Muswell Hill. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have read it out if it is. That's some property. Why don't we start doing that, reading out the names and addresses of people? All right, fine for that. Shall we start doing that? Instead out the names and addresses of people? All right, we'll find for that. Shall we start doing that? Instead of the last three digits of the phone number,

from now on I'll just start reading out the entire phone number. Wouldn't it be nice, then? We thought our readers could all get to know each other a bit more. We'd be a social network. What do you think? Yeah, yeah. What can we call ourselves? What about...

Book. Twit book. Twit book. Um, what about, um, book? Twit book. Twit book. Yeah, because we're all sort of twits, you know why? And bookish. You know what I'm saying? And bookish. Yeah.

Book twits. Yeah. Book twits. Hang on, there is a book twit. Is there a book twit? Yeah. No, I like... These are all dull.

I like twit books because it sounds ridiculous. Okay, twit books. Let's have twit books. That's our social network. We want to get in touch with everyone else who emails. Contact us on... It's not legal to do this. What?

What? To give out emails. To just launch a business on air. Well, you can do that. Oh, can we? Well, what can't we do? Well, I mean... How are you going on about legality?

The LCA's making a fortune of boot sales with those Wix tools. But I don't... No, I don't think we can do this. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We're still in the corner, and I'm going to share with you a missive from DJ Pele. DJ Pele? DJ Pele. DJ Pele. At last.

I knew being in the same building as Kiss FM would rub off on us, and here we are. We've arrived. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Long-time listener slash first-time scriber. Great show. Well done on award. Who?

Blah, blah. What's blah, blah? I live in Dubai now since March and was listening to my backlog of your podcasts when I heard you all start speaking about staying in a wine-themed room not long ago. I just wondered if you've ever stayed in a hotel in Gateshead, which also has themed rooms. I stayed there many moons ago in a room I think you would have loved being a John Wayne fan. It was a cowboy-themed room. Fab. I should have been Deadwood.

Very good. Brilliant. Brilliant. It was a fab night's sleep, but it felt really weird when I woke up in the morning. My friend stayed in another one of the rooms in the hotel, fashioned as a Sheikh's harem. All fab, but don't know if it's still there.

So that's from DJ Pele. I wonder if he left a circle in the wagon. My concern with that would be the security of my possessions, because obviously if it's got one of those saloon doors, people would just walk in and help themselves to your iPad. Well, not just my possessions, but my privacy when I'm doing my ablutions. Yeah, yes. I mean, I get up to all sorts.

Ah, the swinging doors. It sounds great, though. It does sound good. Where is he? It's in Gateshead. It's Head. OK. That's how you say it. And he says I live in Dubai, is that right? Yes, he lives in Dubaihead. Okay. That's how you say it.

And he says I live in Dubai, is that right? Yes, he lives in Dubai now since March. He says he lives in Dubai. It's interesting that because normally if someone says I live in Dubai, I've written them off as a human being before they get to the end of the sentence. But I actually like the sound of this guy. Yeah. It makes me think now maybe I judge people too harshly. Oh, you think?

As possible. What gave you that idea? See, I stuck with it with this guy. Now it turns out he likes a Western-themed room, which is... Yeah, love John Wayne. I really like... I like the sound of DJ Pele. Well, you stayed in a Beatles hotel, didn't you?

I really like the idea of themed... Yes. Oh, I love that Beatles hotel. I don't think I've... I've stayed in a lot of bed and breakfast where the theme seems to be bleakness. Yes,. I don't think I've... I've stayed in a lot of bed and breakfast where the theme seems to be bleakness. Yes, but I don't think that's official. Oh, isn't it?

Oh, I just thought it was a thing that they'd all agreed on. I've been... I've stayed at like a Walt Disney one, but I've never... I really like the idea of a themed... Oh, I love a Walt Disney one. I'd like something a bit more obscure. I told you my favourite... What about Ripoff Britain? Oh, that's a theme. There's I'd like something a bit more obscure. What about Ripoff Britain? There's a Ripoff Britain themed hotel.

Or Broken Britain. Or Scott and Bailey. Scott and Bailey? Scott and Bailey themed hotel. I'd be there. And I've never seen it. But I just respect them for their grasping of obscurity. Respect.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Need to discuss grooming. I regularly come here with questions of what is acceptable. You know, earlier on you were talking about your toes needing eaten away at. Just my toes. Or your feet.

Everything. I'm growing my own platforms. eating away at your feet. I'm growing my own platforms. I think I've talked before on this show about how I trim my toenails. I'm on the same cycle as the dog. When she needs doing, I need doing. But what I did was...

Can I just, before you get deep into this, why don't they make really long toes? You know those things that you cut the end of the lawn with? Oh, the secateurs, yeah. You know, when you do the end of the lawn nice and straight. If they made toenail clippers that long, wouldn't life be easier? It'd be less portable, though, wouldn't it? You'd have to have a proper walk-in cupboard.

Why don't you just go to my Chinese man? I've told you. Oh, I don't know. I'm not sure about him. I think he's a jack-of-all-trades. So here's the thing. We all spent a month at the Edinburgh Festival didn't we? I didn't take up any toenail clippers and I didn't take up any cotton buds to do the old earwax. And I completely forgot about the earwax.

So I went a full, I would say six weeks with no cotton buds. And I got back and did them with three buds, the whole lot. That's it. Done. Did you make a small candle? No. That would have been lovely, wouldn't you? Just an average

amount. I love the idea of having a candle made out of me. That's a nice idea. I bet there were times Cath loved the idea of setting fire to it as well. Yes, I think so. The fingernails were I bit them down um but then there's the toenails you didn't strike me as a biter i won't lie only to prune not as a like

nervous thing just bit them down to keep them short um saves on the older but the toenails were an issue and then i realized that i was going to a martial arts gym as you know i sometimes go to these places and they had some communal toenail clippers tied on a bit of string and stuck to the wall. You are kidding. Because obviously if people have got long toenails and you're grappling with them, you can scratch them. That's maybe why that woman took the crock off the child.

Like a pen in the post office on a train. Yes, yes, very similar to that. I was going to use the betting shop reference, but that says so much about me. So I used those clippers once during the festival, and I told my wife, oh, I've clipped my toenails at the martial arts gym today, and she was absolutely disgusted. She said, you've used communal toenail clippers, and I went, well, yeah, but if you go for a pedicure, they're not only using them once and throwing them away like it's a syringe.

They sterilise, them. My Chinese man is spotless. Do you think he sterilises them? I bet he doesn't put them in boiling hot water and then get them out with some tongs afterwards. I just don't believe that. Excuse me, we have trust between us. That reminds me of that cafe in Spark Hill in Birmingham where they used to have the knives and

forks on, change. And the woman used to come around with a bucket of soapy water and clean them with a flannel at the table. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, also on the subject of my grooming, I haven't finished discussing that yet.

You may have noticed in recent weeks I've stopped shaving. So I'm now um a gentleman with a beard i would say what do you think one of those comics with the big bushy beard is that where you go no i'm just not shaving but it has had ramifications because i do think there is a sense of people with beards in the community start to notice each other you don't quite do the vw drivers wave yeah but had a bit of an awkward incident this week where I had to fight the temptation to ask someone out on a date. And I did.

I had been for a swim. I was in the shower, communal showers. And I was washing. Communal showers, that'd be right. And there was a gentleman next to me who was washing also. And I looked at him and thought, oh, he's washing similar to me. And he was in the pool swimming up and down. He's washing similar, oh, he's washing similar to me and he was in the pool swimming of the day. He's washing similar to you.

He was washing similar to me. He had a load of lather on his arms at the same time that I did. Frank, he doesn't ask for much in common, does he? I haven't finished. I haven't finished. How much variety of washing do you see at your gymnasium? Also, if you go to match.com, which you shouldn't be because obviously you're very happily married, but that's not a box you can tick. Wash is go to Match.com, which you shouldn't be, because obviously you're very happily married, but... I am. That's not a box you can tick. Wash is similar to me.

He was washing similar to me. Trust me on this. He was washing similar to me. Okay. He had a beard, and he'd been swimming, and I very nearly asked him if he wanted to go for a coffee. I had to stop myself, because I thought, we've got a lot in common. He must live local. Are you aware of the concept of a mirror?

Oh, yeah. The penny's really dropped now. Yes, you might arrive fully yourself there. I was wondering why it was all steamy. Yeah, exactly. Well, yes, it's really become the thing now to have a beard, hasn't it? I think it's nice, though.

Would you not go for it, Frank? I like a beard. No, but my beard's going to be a bit Grizzly Adams. That's the problem. It's going to be white now. White as snow. Actually, it could be a good time of the year for a bit of extra work. Tech Santa. Yeah.

You'll get a gig in that. I could be in it with Clooney. Well, I was looking at some beard oil. Apparently, oiling the beard is a nice thing to do. Yeah, it's good for it, isn't it? There's some strange smelling ones. I looked at a website that has lots of different beard oil. Beard oil?

Yeah. And listen to some of the smells that they've got. Black coffee. Now, that seems like something that you can achieve without beard oil, just by drinking black coffee. If you're inclined to drowsiness. Tobacco. If you've got that lofty up.

Oh, no. Why would you want to smell that? Bay rum. I mean, people will talk if you've got that... Tobacco....often up. Oh, no. Why would you want to smell of that? Bay rum. I mean, people will talk if you turn up for a professional engagement. I thought he was going to say Beirut. That smells of Beirut. Yeah. But there were some nice-smelling ones.

It sounded like mahogany, rosemary. I like the sound of rosemary. Oh, I don't want to smell of furniture. Rosemary would be good, wouldn't it? I might get some rosemary. Well, depends which... Beard oil. Depends furniture rosemary would be good wouldn't it i might get some rosemary well depends depends which rosemary bergamot i don't even know what that is but i might get some okay why don't you bring that nice friend of yours from the swimming pool and you can go and discuss all this with him oh okay the ungence again their second album that's really really good well

Their second album. It was really, really good. The pungents. I'm interested. I wish I could... See, I had a beard when they weren't fashionable. Did you? I had a big ginger beard. Yes, I've seen a photo.

Yeah. Yes, I do recall. But I don't think a white beard on a comedian is going to work, is it? I think Al needs to keep his, though, because it's working. Buster Meredith, I suppose. He got some laughs. Worked for him. But I don't know if... Maybe if they did...

If they toured Fools and Horses. I could be in for the Meredith role. What do you think? I think that could work. I think you could be a Rodgers. I could have been.

Reasonable Rodgers. 20 years ago. And Boise, I think, as himself, is what I'm guessing. Pope John Paul II. Yeah. He'd be in it, as could be Del Boy. No, I'm surprised they haven't done it.

If there's anyone listening who owns the rights, get in there. Yeah. And I'll start straightening that out. That beard. The beard. Anyway, I know what I never thought about this week, a new ending for the show. Do you remember last week?

Oh, what are we going to do? Oh, I don't know. I just don't know. It's too late to think of it now. Why don't we just start thinking about what we could do at the end of the show every week at the end of the show? I just don't know. It's too late to think of it now. Why don't we just start thinking about what we could do at the end of the show, every week at the end of the show? That's a good idea.

It seems like it's created its own solution. It'd be like VARB now, so you end the movement with a sense of uncertainty. Yeah. Goodbye. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio. back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.