The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Unlikely bedfellows

Episode Date: September 14, 2013

This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss David Beckham's OC (Obscure crush), Susannah Reid's flirting, Frank's NY resolution and we find out a recent dating proposition that Emily had.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And guess what? What? This is what they call, in the business, a pre-record. So we're actually doing this on Friday afternoon. Now, you might say, oh, don't tell me that. It's like when I see Derren Brown.

I don't want to know how it's done. I don't want to see behind the... Does he do it on Friday afternoon? Who does them? Who? Derren Brown. All his tricks. Every one of them.

All his tricks. Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that. You've heard of Derren Brown Friday. Was it dressed down? Is that what it is, dressed down? I just, I heard it. it's a very bad line i thought they said derren brown friday i've got completely oh and i turned up in like a velvet edwardian jacket holding my temples and looking pensive and everyone just um does he still do

those tricks derren brown does he do what does he still do those tricks they do tricks i don't know what derren brown does he's gone he's? Does he do tricks? I don't know what Derren Brown does. He's got a... Oh, he does sing I Will Kill Myself on Thursday. He does stuff like a West End. He does a West End... Most people in showbiz do that. Yeah, so

I tell you that because I don't want you to waste your precious time contacting us because it's a pre-record, so obviously we can't play any of your texts and stuff. And money. We'd be told never to mention that the text costs 50p. Do not read the absolute newsletter.

Also, will you stop obsessing about the bottom line? Yes. I said exactly that to the builder who was around my house this week. I said, you know, I couldn't see it, but it's fine. I like your honesty, Frank. It's bottom line. Yes, it is. I like your honesty.

I like your honesty. I just want you to know, in a way, you can enjoy this because if you're at home and you're constantly on edge thinking, what can I text in? What can I text in? What can I email?

I want to be part of this. This week, you can just relax and think, no, entertain me. Lie back, have a grape. Get the old, you know those two red setters? Then come up on the bed for a change and have a bit of a snuggle. The weather's getting a bit chillier. Yeah, those two red setters. Did you buy them in 1974?

Yes. The listeners are lying on the bed with red setters eating grapes chillier. Yeah, those two red setters, did you buy them in 1974? Yes. The listeners are lying on the bed with red setters eating grapes this week. Yeah. Oh, OK. Well, that's what we were talking, we'd done some research at Absolute. That's the average Absolute listener. All right, I thought... They're still wearing a black tour t-shirt. They haven't completely changed,

but now they've gone for a sort of gone dogs. Yeah. Really? It's a funny old business all around. So yeah, so this is especially for you so you can just relax and have a nice easy

week and just look on us like we're performing monkeys. But to keep some consistency my stomach is rumbling anyway even though it's not technically Saturday morning to me right now. Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it? It's got something to do with radio. Do you think you might have IBS?

I think I might have an allergy to radio. So you think you might have IBS? Who asks that on a commercial radio breakfast station? Well, I spoke to a doctor about IBS. He told me it didn't exist. And that it's one of the great medical myths. So if you're at home and you've got IBS, he told me it didn't exist. And that it's one of the great medical myths. So if you're at home and you've got IBS,

you haven't. You've probably got some off one of those red setters. Don't let them lick your mouth. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm thinking already, I like to be ahead of the game. I'm thinking already, I like to be ahead of the game.

I'm thinking that my New Year's resolution is to improve my handwriting. Is it? Right, a couple of things. You know it's September. Yeah, it's a pre-record. Yeah. We're not sure when it's going out. We're going to play this in December, aren't we?

Well, we might play it again. Then we'll have a nice Christmas day out. Well, that was one thing. What's your second thing? Why bother? In this digital era, what's the point? That's a super life philosophy. I'll tell you why.

It's like me going, Oh, I really think I should get good at dry stone walling. What's the point? I think you should. If you're going to grow the beard, you've got to walk the walk. I thought that was a searing indictment on my stand-up act. Yeah, if you're going to wall

the wall. Frank, you've got nice writing. I would describe your handwriting as a bit trendy priest. Do you know what I mean? I could have been a trendy priest. It's kind of kindly writing. I'll tell you what the thing is. Occasionally, when I'm handwriting,

I handwrite quite a lot still, I hit a bit of a purple patch, just for two or three lines, but it really goes very lovely, rounded. It looks like a... You know those lovely, neat schoolgirl hands that you see? For two or three lines I think oh, that's lovely.

And then it goes away to the normal scribble again. And I think that's what's drawn me in. I don't know if you've ever played golf. No. Not really. What does that mean? Well I'll tell you what it means. Me and my brother once had some clubs and a golf ball

and we went to a local park and we were sort of hitting it about. Yeah, but that's when you were a house angel. My brother hit the ball through someone's window and we ran away. That's my golf career. Okay. I've hit the ball. So the answer you was after was no. Well, you said, I mean, I've hit a golf ball with a club.

That's not playing golf. It's hitting people's houses. I don't know if it has on his house. Anyway. I've hit a golf ball with a club. Yeah, but that's not playing golf. It's in people's houses. I don't know if it has in his house. Anyway. I've played crazy golf. Well, occasionally, even at crazy golf, you hit one and you think, this is what it must feel like for the pro. It's perfect.

Yeah. And that's what it's like with my handwriting when I hit one of those purple patches. You feel like a handwriting pro. I think this is what one of the marvellous old eastern calligraphers must have felt like, just for a second. And I like the feeling feeling and it's beautiful it feels like art is dribbling off my fingertips see i favour the calligraphy pen but the trouble is your height it's the wonder bra of the writing world really because people make assumptions that your handwriting is beautiful and actually it's the pen

doing all the work i thought you're going to say you walk into a room with a calligraphy pen and say hello boys to all the other amanuenses like monks hunched over things and they're all going this is a bit inappropriate what do you think Wilfred? That's what a lot of them are called I think we're finally alive

but you know it's early days Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, here's another thing. I had some... I've really got into jelly babies just lately. Oh, God. You know, I was out and I felt a bit poorly. And you know when you feel a bit poorly,

often there's a sort of medicinal food that comes to mind immediately something you want they think will help you i know it's usually lucasade but on this occasion i just i need some jelly babies something i haven't done probably since the 90s and i bought some and i don't know if they've got better or if i'd forgot how good they were by the the way, if you manufacture jelly babies don't send me any. I've got my own money. You can't really say you'll smash them up like you do about other stuff that might get sent.

I won't. I'll leave them until they form one odd lump. I'll smash them up. I won't work for about a month but I'll smash up the jelly babies eventually. What I'll do is I'll let them go hard and then I'll drop them on the way out of the way and I'll, like when James Bond used to drop spiky things out the back of his DB5. Oh, that'd be good.

Yeah, and that'd be the fault of the people who sent them to me. DB5? Has the jelly baby still got the white coating? Sort of a white talcum powder coating? I think that came. I think that came from your glove compartment. Oh, no.

No wonder they tasted so nice. Those travel sweets as well. There is no icing sugar in anyone else's. I stayed up for four days after a packet of those. I know. So I offered a packet, not a packet, but I offered a jelly baby to a friend of mine. And he started sorting. He started sort of delving in there,

rooting around, and came out with a nice dark red one, obviously the best. Obviously? Now, is that all right to do that? Well... Because everyone knows. I mean, it's one of the great mysteries of confectionery. Yeah.

Why any green or yellow sweets are ever made. Orange. Yes. I'm not sure. Green or yellow, forget about it. Nobody likes those best. They're only there, I think, in the way that there are some less exciting passages

in Milton's Paradise Lost. Yeah. To make the really good stuff sound even better. That's why the green and yellow's there. You know, you've got to have light and dark. But to actually go in and up-front that fact, something that, you know, we don't really talk about it in polite company about the green and yellow taboo,

and to come out with a dark red. You want your blacks, your dark reds, your purples. Orange to absolute push but to go in to go in and actively take one of the uh one of the hierarchy premiere holy grail suite would you do that well can we establish circumstances Was it a family grab bag? Or was it a taut, you know what I mean, the taut tube suite? That's unacceptable. When you say the family grab bag,

do you mean my Auntie Elsie? Because, you know, those Christmas parties were... I mean, there were no rules to them at all. I think if you're delving Robin Thicke-styly, it's OK, because it's a big family pack. I agree with you about the tube. What you can't do is move some out the way, Domino style. Yes.

You can't do that. I just, I think it's part of the randomness of life. There's a reason why those sweets, you know, what is it, Haribo random? Round trees randoms. Yeah. I think that's a way of saying, don't choose him. It's like chaos theory. The point is that you're just, you know, you're trusting to luck.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Riding Owl. So anyway, I think it's unacceptable to choose your coloured sweets. I mean, fair enough, this is why Roundtree's pastels are good. Don't send me any. I don't like those. They're in a tube.

So if I say to you, would you like a round... Obviously, I'm not going to say that until I've got a yellow or a green up. Yeah. Yes. And you can't... Actually, the way of proffering is critical here. Because if it's a bag and you proffer it with the clenched hand so that there's only really a choice of three...

Oh, who does that cockerel? Frank Cood. I'd believe it of him. Yeah, maybe I'll... Frank Cood, like England expects. I'd believe it of him. I'll tip one onto me. I'll tip a green and a yellow onto my upturned forearm

the way one offers a dueling pistol. Yeah, yeah. And say, yeah, help yourself to, want a jelly baby, but they're gone now. Like a wine list. Don't want that one. Yeah, wine gum list. A wine gum list, yeah. Frank, you don't have wine gums, do you?

I know, I find those a bit too turgid. Oh, I don't like you having wine gums. Yeah, they're, I don't think you can get... You couldn't get back... I couldn't get back into it through wine gums, could I? Well, there was a boy banned... That's like Armin Mivers not having jelly babies. This is why I like The Revel, because The Revel embraces this philosophy.

Life is a bit random. Yeah. It's the Russian roulette approach to life, which I like. But isn't The One... Is one of The Revels a different shape from the others? Am I thinking of something else? Yeah. There used to be like a disc-like revel that was just chocolate.

Oh, yeah. Why tell you about that one? It's like the speed cameras. We shouldn't know that they're there. Our behaviour should be based on our conscience, not on our fear. Next week's talk with the Archbishop of Canterbury. That did sound like your talk from

St Paul's Cathedral. Oh, yeah, I think I had more laughs at St Paul's Cathedral. Hank, what about Charlie? Um, it's been a little bit. Now, we have got, we've got a new addition to the team, because Bob, I don't know if we should announce Bob's departure.

What happened? But he's not actually here yet. Why is Bob leaving? I guess I've just done it. Why is he leaving? Yeah. I just, I found that his theory that you can just rinse and you don't smell wasn't holding much water, as one might say.

Now, Bob's gone off the pastures near the way young people do yeah and i think that's fair enough so now we've got that nightclub charlotte who we called charlie yeah um and she's she doesn't have a microphone no but i like it when people are just that just off so you know they're there but you also know exactly where they are in the pecking order. Yeah. And you know who likes a pecking order more than most people?

You've got it. So, yeah, so we've got Charlotte now, who's... Lovely, she is. Yeah, she's female. Yeah. So it's all, you know, it's changed all round, really. And I've already

said she's an Jane Austen heroine, she looks like. What do you say? Yeah, she has got that, I can imagine her saying, dear reader. Yeah, a bit Winslet, I would say. Oh, no. It's only one Kate. Oh, God.

It's only one Kate. one Kate. Oh God. That's only one Kate. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Well that was music. That would be a great thing if that caught on in radio.

Well that was music. I think sometimes it's as well to identify. caught on in radio? Well, that was music. I think, yeah, I think sometimes it's as well to identify. Anyway. Frank Allen. Frank Allen. Yes. You know, we sometimes talk on this show about,

I call them OCs, obscure crushes. Yes. Some unlikely people. In my case, Vince Cable. Well, I know a few of yours. Vince Cable, Tom Watson. Correct. Correct. I don't know any others now.

Well, Son of John Darwin, Canoe Man. Ah, yes. But you laugh at me for that. Can I say, David Beckham has really not won out the park on the old left field side of things, because he has admitted to having a crush on Cherie Blair. I don't know why you think that's obscure. I think that...

Oh, did you see the picture of her after the election in her nightie? Yeah, but you know what? I've seen a lot of women in their nighties the night after a big election. Legend. Sorry. I'll kill it. I'll kill that typist. And, um... No, I loved it when Sherry came to the door and looking at no make-up and stuff.

Yeah, I'm very into the whole no make-up stuff. I think women, they don't need to spruce up all the time. I like a bit of paleness and ragged round the edges stuff. It's like me, I like men that don't shave. That's where love lies. Yeah. I like women who don't shave. Anyway, so I

can sort of, and also in one of the papers they printed lots of pictures of Cherie next to Victoria Beckham and you know there was a shadow of similarity. I looked at that and I thought it started jokey and then halfway

through I was thinking they overlap on the Venn diagram somewhere. He likes a toothy brunette is what he likes. And also that article really sort of displayed a media myth that Posh Spice never smiles because there was loads of her doing really sort of displayed a media myth that Posh Spice never smiles

because there was loads of her doing quite sort of grinny hee. I think what it showed was why she never smiles any more. No, she's had it sorted out now. No, but she does that thing when she doesn't layer them, she stacks them. You know, some people, when they smile, instead of having one set of teeth slightly above and in front of, she stacks them up.

I'm doing it now. Funny we were filming this. It's a bit PG Tips commercial. I don't like it. Yeah, but she has one of those smiles. Stop doing it. It's making me ill. Okay.

Most ill you've ever made me feel. Again, I've never thought that, you know, she's a pretty girl. Victoria Beckham. Probably not a girl anymore now she's a mum. But, yeah, she's attractive, stylish. Yes. I'll tell you what always bothered me a bit about Cherie Blair. Mm.

Was the skirting around the law. No, it was, what it was, was she'd wear a flared trouser, a bootcut trouser suit with a pointy shoe underneath. Oh, no. I have a real problem with that. Should be a trainer. We've talked about this before. It's like... What should it be, gazelles?

No, but baggy trousers. Yeah, you can't have a pointy shoe. I think it was Mrs. Obama, did it? Yes, it was, Frank. If you have the two pointy shoes, it looks like you've got a bat, a bat sleeping in a large double bed. Because it's just these two little pointy dark things coming out of a billowing living. Yes.

Right. If you're going to wear a big trouser, you've got to wear a big shoe. It's like a sort of a worker's boot. Is that what you should pair it with? It's balanced. Now you see you've gone off the scale. I'm just saying you've got to scale it up. If you're going to wear a skinny jean,

you can get away with a big boot. My wife wears culottes and Doc Martens permanently. That's fine, isn't it? That's right. That's all right. Chalottes, did you say? Culottes, I thought it was pronounced. I like it.

I think she's trying to ward you off. It's a bit Les Miserables, but it's OK. She is miserable, that's fair. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I have a theory as well about the Becks and... Cherie. And Cherie. Yeah.

Didn't he say to a friend that the papers aren't saying... He said it to Danny Murphy. Yeah, Danny Murphy. Oh, Danny Murphy. So, you know, he's been loud and proud. It's not like one of those unnamed made-up sources. He said it in the England treatment room. Is that right?

I thought we were getting therapy for it. Doesn't seem that mad. Yeah, Eileen Drew, right there, in a two-hour session. Oh, I love Eileen Drew. I model my look on her. Yeah. Love her. She's another...

She's not getting name-checked as much these days, is she? No, no, she's fallen out of favour. No, but when I go and get my hair dyed black, that's what I ask for. That's the shade, Eileen Drury black, is what I ask for. I hope that they start using that in paint shops and interior decorating.

I'd like Farrow and Ball in paint shops and interior decorating. I'd like Farrow and Ball paint, Eileen Drury. Yes, I was in Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen's shop the other day just for a couple of pots of Eileen Drury. I'm doing a gothic bedroom for the teenage. And do you know, they had none, and I had to make do with Pauline Prescott. Oh, well. I like that dark purple Paulccartney that they've got so anyway i think because um because bex nowadays is a professional ambassador yeah

and he's thinking i need to get friendly uh friendly with someone who's in the political area. Yeah, you're right. Currently, he's already been the ambassador for the World Cup and the Olympics. He's currently, he's got a dual ambassadorial role with Sky TV and China. No. Yeah. They say, and I don't think for a second I have insight on this, but I read this in the paper, he got 20 million for being Sky's ambassador.

No way. Oh, I love him in those ads, though. Can you imagine that, though? Does anyone ever say to him, Mr Beckham, with these Rochere, you were spying on me? But, yeah, so he's a full-time ambassador now, so I think, consequently, he's probably starting to look at those kind of women.

Right, yeah, yeah. You know, the power accomplice. I would point him in the direction of the, I don't know if it's Prime Minister, let's say the Premier of Cameroon's wife. She's got a good head of hair. Have you seen her? No. She's my favourite consort. Google her. Ecosia her. Oh, she's good, Frank.

What kind of head of hair are we talking? It's ridiculous. Oh, OK, I like the sound of that. Ridiculous head of hair. Sounds good, Frank. What kind of head of hair are we talking? It's ridiculous. Oh, OK. I like the sound of that. A ridiculous head of hair. Sounds good, yeah. Another thing you could say to your hairdresser. What would you like, sir? I'm thinking short round the sides and then ridiculous on top, please. I'd like to be ridiculed.

Imagine. What did they do? Would they just go for it? No, probably not. Why has he been an ambassador so much, apart from the money? Isn't it a bit of a... It's an odd thing to be, isn't it, for a man who's been a sports legend? Well, he's a brand now, isn't he? That's what you do. People are brands nowadays, Frank. I think he's got the old job dictionary out and thought,

I'm so massive, I can just do... I'll do A, ambassador and then six months, then I'll be a B feeder for six months. A butcher. Yeah. He can just one from each letter. And then next year

he's already getting some preliminary training as a chocolatier. Is he? Nice. Can you imagine? I love the David Beckham selection box for Christmas. I love that. Mmm. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Alrighty, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And, hey, are we pre-recorded? Oh, what? What else? Well, on the subjects of crushes from the unexpected. Crushes from the unexpected would be a good TV show.

Would you? With people that don't know their own strength. Well, strongest man. Well, strongest man giving cuddles to a small woman. World's strongest man brackets, but he doesn't know it. They're the scary ones. I don't know if you saw

what everybody has been talking about this week. The breakfast host Susanna Reid, 42, apparently flirting. Why do you have to say her age? Well, because this is part of the story, I think. Well, I have a theory about it.

In fact, I've got a couple of theories. Let me get going. This is part of something. It sparked a Twitter frenzy because she flirted with the lad from the Arctic Monkeys, Alex Turner, is it? Yes, Alex Turner. Oh, yes. I've seen it, and they are flirting, because they're sort of talking to each other,

but not making eye contact, and then occasionally making eye contact. It just feels a bit like, eee, and everybody apparently is going, eee. My theory is, it's not that she's an older woman and he's, like, a younger man. How old is he, about? I'd say he's 28.

He's 15 years younger than her. 27. It's nothing. It's nothing. I mean, I do think there is an inherent misogyny in it, because... And it ages them. Yes. Yeah.

But I think, you know, you think how many men 15 years older have flirted on chat shows, say, with women? Don't talk about tattoo. I'm not talking... Frank's giving me a penetrating stare there. It was two of tattoo. I'm not talking about tattoo. Frank's giving me a penetrating stare there. There was two of them. They weren't intimidated. I wasn't speaking specifically about you.

It was hypothetical, of course. But I do think... When you come through Sovietism, you can't have any affection. But I think what it was is that it was on breakfast telly and you just sort of want to get your day going before you see people flirting.

I think that's why people are going, oh, cringey, because they were doing that, yeah, that's right, Suzanne. Like at the end of the interview, there's sort of a little moment of a glance between and then they both look away again. You sort of go, oh! They were doing that slight what people do in offices, wouldn't you like to know?

Yeah, yeah. Flirting over the photocopy, it was a little bit like that. Is that what they do in offices? It was just too brightly lit for that, wasn't it? It's one of those things about daytime flirting. You sort of, never mind get a room, you think, get a dimmer switch. That's what you need to start with. I know, but daytime flirting is a bit safer, isn't it?

Is it? If you start flirting at sort of 10.30 in the evening, you're going to say, well, where do we go now? And you don't want that. Keep it daylight, keep it safe. She's a beautiful woman, says Anna Rees. She is, she is actually. She's got the look, I imagine,

she looks like one of those conchitas from the old cowboy films, you know, the Mexican beauty. I imagine that, like her husband, he's some sort of bandit, some sort of bandito. Probably neglects her. He's out with his bandoleros and his pistoleros eating. Underlay, underlaying. Eating minteros.

And she's at home, you know, polishing the cactus thinking, is this life now? Yeah. Just making, hey, hey, and she's got. I don't think she's abolishing the, she's barely ever off the telly. She's got a fajitas to die for.

I like fajitas. But she is, she's an attractive woman. And I don't see any reason why, you know, if it was, if it was Harry Styles and a woman 14, 15, we'd all think, you know. Yeah. I'd probably think. probably think but you know that's what i'm like what a sound i didn't like that she she did go a little bit trendy for the interview

she had a denim jekito she had a hoop earring i noticed yeah and she was using language she was using slightly trendy language she said said, has it blown you away? Yeah. She was saying that sort of thing. Do you know what I mean? It's a bit... When BBC presenters of that nature start getting like that, they're misjudgy.

Like if Bill Turnbull thought, I'll go a bit sexy for this. You can imagine him thinking, I'll put some of those floral badges in me crocs. She was a bit I'm with the band but the band might have been Bloodwind Pig. Finally. What a case of being like a shot. Denim jacket.

I thought she... When the husband gets in. Hey, what's going on? Denim jacket. Oh, awful. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I don't think it would work, though, as a relationship. The breakfast show host, Susanna... Oh, OK.

Susanna Reid. I've forgotten her. I've moved on. And Alex Turner, because he's a rock star, isn't he? And she is on breakfast telly, so he's going to get in at, what, 2, 3 in the morning? And she's going to get up at, what, 4? You say he's a rock star, but his leather jacket looked a little bit Fonz doll to me. It did, yes. You know those plastic leather jackets the Fonz dolls have?

Yeah. It was a bit too dry clean. I used to have one of those. I mean, not Fonz doll, I had one that I wore. I can imagine you did. Cool. I liked her denim shirt. Denim jacket. I've got a theory about it that is that I think

breakfast show TV people, when they're in the sort of starchy suit type morning thing I think it must do their head in when rock stars come in wearing the status quo outfit, white trainers, jeans shirt andan shirt, and they just think, God, you look so comfy. They must just, I've had this where I'm in suit. That's how I feel every Saturday morning.

Well, if somebody else has got casual clothes on, I get real comfort envy. I just think, oh, wow, that looks really comfortable. I think how much smarter I look than that person. Do you really? I do. That's interesting. Do you have that every Saturday? Because I think if I was sat opposite me every Saturday morning in the suit, I'd just be thinking, God, the cockerel's got corduroy on, look how relaxed.

I think two days in, as a breakfast TV host, I'd look like I was about to go on a long-haul flight. I'd have jogging bottoms on and a T-shirt from seven years ago where the neck's all gone, but I'd be comfy. I feel like a passing mariner looking through his telescope at a desert island and saying, hold on, that's a man out there.

You with your raggedy beard. He's more raggedy this week. Alexander Selkirk in this story. You are. But you are. He's getting more raggedy, the beard. He's going to trim it. He's had good reviewsgedy. He's going to trim it. He's going to let it go. He's had good reviews, that's why.

You know when they do that. It's like when you say, oh, your hair looks nice like that, and they never change it after that. No, of course, yeah. I've fallen for that so many times. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if a girl at school said, no, your hair looks good, you think I want to keep it exactly like that. Oh, yeah.

I remember a boy I fancy said, you look so nice in grey. I walked around like I was in a penitentiary for the rest of my life in grey. To be fair you were living in Shanghai in the 1960s. Well yeah. Obviously. Frank, I know we don't have listeners today. Well we have listeners I hope.

Oh no. In our real time I'm talking about. Oh I see. They're non-contributory. That's what they are. Oh. Oh, noises. In our real time, I'm talking about. Oh, I see. They're non-contributory. That's what they are. Oh. Oh, noises. Come in. Charlie's just bringing the tea in. Yeah, but I don't like that.

This is the absolute radio people. It sounds like a sound effect. See, we used it when we were in Saturday morning. There's no one else in. No. I tried to avoid eye contact this morning. Do you remember that Saturday morning we did the show naked, the three of us? There's nobody in there.

Oh, I loved it. Oh, man, we laughed. Well, you laughed. You laughed? Yeah, I just kept looking behind me like, what is he laughing at? Okay, we still need to do emails, Frank, even though we're not doing texts this morning. Of course, of course.

That was my approach. Okay, shall we go to email corner? I like to call it pre-record email corner. Oh. OK. That's just what I call it. Hold on. Pre-record email corner.

We're not really here. By the way, if you're wondering why we're not here, we're at a wedding. Well, me and Emily are at a wedding. Yeah. Alan isn't invited. No, but on the plus side, look how hot he looks at the moment. It's me and Emily are at a wedding. Alan isn't invited. No, but on the plus side, look how hot he looks at the moment. It's fine, mate. I've got gigs.

I've got gigs. Yes. He's fine. I think, you know... I'm fine, Matt. He's invited a guru. You came in. A guru has turned up.

How marvellous. You do look like my spiritual healer. Oh, am I being a guru? Yeah. I could do that. Can you do a full lotus? Give it time I've only just had my sandwich Hold on, hold on

He doth crow Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're in email corner. Yeah, I can pre-record email corner. Yeah. I can think of no better place to begin than with an email.

Hi, Frank Emmett Le Coquerel. Thank you. It's a bit strange. When you mentioned you'd found ants, the you in question here is Frank. When you mentioned you'd found ants surrounding your drink at night in your 11th-storey apartment... Yes, this is my lemon barley water. Oh, thank goodness. It was a wash.

I don't think you were with us. I think it was Alan Cochran was away, yeah. You were on your adjacent two-week holidays. I don't think... Yeah. Adjacently asthmatic. And, um... And, yeah.

And it was like, it looked like someone had tipped a spoonful of dry tea. And when I looked close, it was ants. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Ant soup he had. Ants in my Robinsons. A novel by Beryl Bainbridge. Carry on.

It reminded me of when I was in Vegas with my family. Oh, funny, I've got the music. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d family. Oh, if only I'd got the music. I already feel uncomfortable hearing this story. I don't like it. Why? Because I like to stick to the rule of what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Even if it's just an insect-based story.

Yeah, I've heard that. Awoken by a knock on the door at three in the morning by my parents, who were in the room adjacent... I thought you were going to say it was an ant. Very, very quiet knock on the door. I thought there was no one there at first. They went and looked down. Sorry. To be told we had to move to a different room

because they'd discovered they had an ant infestation in their room. What made it so strange was that we were on the 16th floor in the pyramid part of the hotel. Blimey. My mother had left a packet of dried fruit open on the nightstand. That's from Nick. It's good that he's gone for nightstand. He's really, he's gone native. Oh, yes. I, um. What do you make of that? Well, see, if this wasn't a pre-record, I would be saying that's this week's phone-in, texting, rather, that how high can they go? Yeah. He's saying it as if it's amazing,

but I think 16th floor in the pyramid part, they're basically climbing a slough, aren't they? But why? It's a straight tower. What is the pyramid part? I don't know what that is. You know what a pyramid is? Yeah.

It's like that bit on the top of... Oh, I know what it is. Can Harry what a pyramid is? Yeah. It's like that bit on the top of... Oh, I know what it is. Can Harry walk? Yeah, OK, I understand now. OK, so... My argument is this, that... You think he's lying? I think, like...

Well, no, because they were on the 11th in my apartment. But what I'm thinking... And what I thought at the time was not, how did they possibly get up here, because I know they can climb, ants, and they're determined in the extreme. Oh, yeah. Tenacious little suckers. They'll carry a leaf, seven or eight inches. Yeah.

Takes 105 of them, though. Yeah, but why is the question? Think of all the flats they've passed. Yeah. Where there's, I'm sure there are soft drinks and cordials. A plenty. Yeah. Why keep going to the 11th?

Why not just go to the ground floor flats? Hmm. Straight up. I know I have a theory, and you'll think I've just done this so I can do a terrible pun, but... Oh, the very idea. The, um, our balcony used to be pebble um pebble loose pebbles on the bottom to give it a sort of brighton beach shingle feel oh yeah uh but recently i i it didn't really work

with the baby they're a bit big and um droppable and finger crushing potentially so, potentially. So I got the men in, and we had decking put down on the whole thing. And it was after that that this incident happened. So I'm thinking that they might have come in on the wood. Right. And as I said to my girlfriend, if there isn't an Ant and Deck joke in this, then I'm a Dutchman.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. What about if they're brought in by flying ants? Oh, with some sort of courier? Yeah. Like when they drop people over the enemy lines. Yeah, I don't like to think of myself as the enemy. The enemy of the ants. I'm, you know, I'm the Robinson's dealer.

See, I just think they might have changed sports. You know, they're sort of famously strong men of the insect world, aren't they? They can pick up big, as you say, leaves or crumbs. But now they're going for barley water. Maybe they've taken up a bit of tennis. Yeah, but can I say bit many of them had perished in this in fact all of them it was a great barley water they're climbing up for dried fruit maybe they're doing that'll go down in the history of the athletics my first thought there was if they're

coming up 11 floors to get it maybe i'm putting too much robinson's in maybe i've got the mix wrong if they're picking that up at ground level. I like the idea that will be the Great Lemon Flood in their history books. They'll talk about it for years to come. In the Ant Bible. Yeah, they will. There'll be one that was saved

and he'll be seen as some sort of mythical leader. You'll be written about in the Ant books. Yeah, but I'll be the evil one, won't I? Yeah, you will. I'm afraid so. The one who promised them sweetness and gave them long problems.

Shall we move on to email? No, I want to dwell on that a bit. I think there's something in there if we keep digging. It's a self-harming thing. Is it? Yeah. I'm going to intervene. Well, I know I dwell on that a bit. I think there's something in there if we keep digging. It's a self-harming thing. Is it? Yeah. I'm going to intervene. Well, I know I've got the black bedroom.

Had an email from Mike. On one of the previous shows, I remember Alan's jealousy. Hang on a minute. We all remember that. I don't think it was full-on jealousy. On one of the previous shows, I remember Alan's jealousy at Frank being a question on Mastermind and Pointless. I think I was more pleased

for you. In a sort of, in a slightly patronising avuncular way. I was pleased for you, well done. So I was delighted to hear a question on The Chase, being what nation does Cockaleaky originate from? And of course, the answer was Scotland.

So I'd just like to say congratulations. I hope this eases Alan's envy. Long-time reader, first-time writer, Mike. Well, can I say, Mike, that's an excellent first missive. Yeah. You should probably quit while you're ahead, because that's so good you're not watching. No, no, don't quit, Mike. That's good.

And also, I'll tell you what's really weird about this. Tell us. If I was the office joker at this point, I'd go... Because I didn't know what the chase... When you said the chase, I thought, what is that? I'd heard it mentioned, but I thought it was the chaste. I thought it was like a dating show where people meet up but then they don't date. I wouldn't be allowed on The Chaste.

You know, it's like they say, so you have a bit that's no lighty, confirm celibate. But only this morning, Friday morning that is, I received an offer to be on The Chaste. No. Celebrity Chaste. Shut. Really? Yes. I haven't decided to be on the chase. No. Celebrity chase. Really? Yes. I haven't decided how I'm going to end this.

So I don't, perhaps you can tell me what it is and then I can make my decision. I know it's Bradley Walsh, isn't it? Oh, is it? Oh, I thought it was Nick Knowles. Sorry. Oh, we've got the wrong. It's Bradley Walsh and a series of quizzers, like professional-level quizzers. They're good.

And so whoever's the public guests have to answer as many questions as the chase person, the expert. Is it like... I've only seen bits of it, but Paul Sinha is one of them. You know the comedian Paul Sinha? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's one of them. He's a regular.

Yeah, he wears a white suit on it. White suit? Yeah. He's a third man. You see, I will never wear a suit of white because of the prisoners who are still in prison, even though they've learnt their lesson and for the people dying in Vietnam and for the poor.

Are you alright? It's part of like Johnny Cash's song about why he always wears black. Because he wears it as a memory for all that and he says you'll never see a suit of white upon my back. Okay.

I think the chase is on straight after Pointless for the grannies. And other things I didn't expect to hear after that. But we'll... We'll come back to this. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, boys, I've had some romantic developments recently.

Which I'd like to share with you. You have. Frank fell off his chair. Actually physically fell off my chair for comedy purposes. He actually fell off his chair, which was good on a radio show. Don't be shocked, but it happened at This Morning, where I pop up as a regular contributor to the show This Morning. And on the show this morning.

And on the show that day were... I know you like dressing room tales, Frank. I do. There was Linda Bellingham. I love Linda Bellingham. There was Darren Day. Okay. Walking into his dressing room. He gave me a little smile.

Yes. It's just a smile. Oh, he's always working. Lionel Blair. Lionel Blair taught me to line dance. Did he? Seriously. Worked with them all, haven't you?

I've never line danced before, and he, yeah. So, of that list of people that Emily's just said, have you worked with them all? I've worked with Linda Bellingham on Loose Women. You know what? I've never met Darren Day. Don't believe you. I bet you have. OK.

Just don't believe you. I think I might have a bad one. Are you going to say that? If you've got a... If I've got a I've worked worked with a more Panini Stickers album. And if someone has to be missing, I'm prepared to sacrifice Darren Day. No disrespect, but you know what I mean.

I'd rather have Linda Bellingham. She was the... She was the sort of court boss when... Yeah. When Colin Baker was on trial for an entire series. Really? She looked great. She had a headdress on.

She looked very hot. So you know her from Doctor Who? I know her. This is meant to be about me. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, sorry, yes. You brought up Linda Bellingham. I think she's a really funny woman.

Okay. Okay. This is about me. Two minutes is all I ask of your time about me. So, anyway... I think she did some audiobooks for Doctor Who. Hang! As well.

Is it so hard? She was like the examiner person. Carry on. So, I'm on this morning. Yeah. Also on this morning is Keith Faz. Are you familiar with his work? I'm no...

I think I may have mentioned him on this show once before, actually. He's a politician. He's an MP. I think, I believe it's Leicester East is his constituency. He's Conservative, is he? No, he's Labour. Oh, OK. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. He's chairman of the Home Affairs Select Committee. Oh. Not that I've been deep Googling or anything. No. Now... Home Affairs, so?

Sounds... Well, that gave me hope. Sounds like the start of something. That's always a good sign on a business card. Did you say Vaz up when you met him? Vaz up! My only other encounter with him was when I was at Champneys and I saw a picture of him in a fluffy robe

on the wall. On his way for a treatment. Frank Bruno was there as well. Anyway. He lived there. This story's got more name dropping than I've ever encountered from you. Stick around. Hoot, hoot, hoot. Anyway, we were talking and we were chatting about,

there was a girl from Coronation Street who got married, I believe. She went to Las Vegas. Right. In the quickie way. And we were saying whether that was a good thing. And I said, well, I think it's quite's quite romantic actually it's quite a nice thing to do and then I mentioned that I was single well you got married in a fever hotter than

a peppered sprout did you I'm sorry to hear that I've got Johnny Cash lyrics going around my head this afternoon let's be honest this afternoon anyway Keith suddenly piped up oh you're single i said yes i thought oh no it's going to be one of these scandals filthy creep no au contraire he said well he said how would you feel about dating an mp i thought oh yes he's got all the

moves no it turned out he said i have at least five single mp friends i would like to set you up that's nice isn't that nice i said really he's just oiling the wheels a son of a vaseline he said look it's not that i'm trying to sell it to you but the good thing is you can get married in that that lovely crypt in the house of commons oh that lovely um downstairs one where it's got people being tortured in hell on the ceiling. That'd be good for a marriage. Cheery. Yeah. Eamon Holmes was there.

He said, I sense a reality show coming on. He liked it. OK. So, Keith, we've been in contact since. I'm not joking. This is no word of a lie. Are you texting? I'm not telling you the form of communication.

Vaz and I are in touch. Twitter. Brilliant. He says... Direct messaging. What is it? None of your beeswax. I'm not telling you the form of communication. No, it's Vaz. Vaz and I are in touch. Twitter. He says... Direct messaging. What is it? None of your beeswax. I'm interested. He says, I've got five...

I really hope it's not LinkedIn. Awful. The shortlist, he said, I'm drawing up the shortlist. Wow. As we speak. He said, do you have any political preferences? Is it John Bercow? Me and Berks have been on... We've been communicating by grinder for nearly two years.

Fuzz up? Yeah, so you're in touch with... You're in touch with Keith Baz. KV. Yeah, KV. You don't call him KV. He's my friend. KV makes him sound sort of prehistoric. I think you'd get on with him, actually, guys. I think you'd really like him. He's a kindly man.

Is he? What's worrying me, though, when he said, do you have any political preference? I'm very open about this. I swing to the left. I told him that. He said, that's good. And what about UKIP, though? I don't want a UKIP.

Well... Do you think we'll have to be open-minded? Um, no. OK. I think you're right. At least if you went out with a UKIP, you'd know that the food wasn't going to be too spicy. I've already said on this show.

You'd be almost definitely getting a steak and chips, wouldn't you? But, you know, you'd sit on the armchair and he'd say, that's my armchair, there. You know, I was there first. And that gives me some sort of priority over, Johnny, come lately to the armchair. You don't want that in your life. Also, I have already, I think, stated I will not have sexual relations

with anybody who's voted Conservative at any point in their life. Really? Yeah, I'm quite strict about that. Sorry, Charlie, if that's the way you swing. I don't know your politics. You're new to the fold. Wow. Let me just check if you can say that.

Bill Clinton said it. No, I thought not. You can. OK. That's pretty strict. That's how things stand with me and Keith Vaz right now. Not me and Keith Vaz, but you know what I mean. But I think I'd be quite good as an MP's consort.

I think he'd be quite good as... Now you've got me thinking about those two German Nazi women I met in the 80s at the hotel. I feel bad now. This is a true story. You know, I kind of thought live and let live, but now you come to mention it. You know, I kind of thought live and let live, but now you're coming to mention it. You don't want to encourage.

Oh, no. The thing is, if you do go out with an MP, you're going to have to pay off their expenses. Budget's not going to stretch to that now. They're heavily scrutinised. You'll be going Dutch on the bill. You'll be heavily scrutinised. Oh, I love it.

No, I think it's... I look good in a rosette. You see, I think... Now, don't take this the wrong way, on the bill you'll be heavily scrutinized oh i love it no i think i look good in a rosette you see i think um that now don't take this the wrong way but i think men are a bit frightened of you because you're very bright and intelligent and i would totally agree and i think mps obviously got enormous egos uh so uh i i think they'll they'll be all right with it because they're meeting remarkable people all the time david beck, for example, doing some ambassadorial visiting. So I think that's the way.

I think you need to go power. Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Frank. And it's so hard to get at Mugabe. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Okay, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

We're, um, two-thirds of us at least are at a lovely wedding in the Cotswolds. So we're pre-recording this. lovely wedding in the Cotswolds. So we're pre-recording this. So, um, don't text us because you're just... you're just firing it into the void. We've all done it, but...

Anyway. What's, um, what's in the news? Alrighty. Um, what's in the news? Um, well, we, uh, we should really talk about David Cameron leaving his unattended bag on the old choo-choo train. He left his box, yeah.

He left his box. He's out of his box, isn't he? He wants to watch his unattended bag with David Beckham about. What if David Beckham's got one of those red document boxes in his ambassadorial? I'll tell you what. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he will have, Frank. Can you imagine it?

DB in gold. What's it got in it? Three photos of him in a souvenir programme from a match in 2008. And some shine spray for his hair. Oh, does he use that? Oh, yeah. Does he? He does.

Looks good on it, though, doesn't he? Well, he does. It's the Bale route, isn't it? The product. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. But this box, I mean I don't like to take a position left or right, especially

not on the radio, but David Cameron to me, he's carrying that box about they've said... That means he's a votory. No, they've said in the papers that he's not meant to take it out of Parliament or wherever it is that it's kept. And I can see why.

I'm looking at a picture of it and it's not got handles. It's not got any straps. It's not got wheels. It's just like carrying a box. It must be cumbersome for travel. God bless him. It hasn't got wheels. That's something.

Yeah. I'll tell you what it has got. It's got Prime Minister written on the front. With a big key waiting to. Waiting to be turned. But that's brilliant, though, isn't it? I mean, there's a rule you need to know. Never wear your own merch. That's like me in a Frank Skinner T-shirt.

I mean, can you believe he's gone out with a Prime Minister? You're meant to be bringing us a Frank Skinner mug, aren't you? Am I? He'll do that. He's got his tour. Just announced his tour, and he'll be getting the merchandise out. That'd be great if you try and recycle some old merch. Just pictures of you from 15 years ago. It's just me and comedy.

No merch. That's the rules. I'm not sure. Not sure. What's your merchandise store looking like nowadays? Very empty. Is it? I've not got one.

But I like... False beards. Hey, I'll tell you what I might get. I might get some Alan Cochran red travel boxes. Oh, I see. These travel boxes. There's very few things about politics that make me feel in any way whimsical or romantic but I seem to remember

Churchill had one of those it is the same one no Churchill's was grey I think but they hand them down of course he was grey but I spend a lot of my time travelling about and I never see somebody with one of those.

I bet Emily does. You know that moment when you come back off your holidays and you're all standing there looking at the carousel and just bag after bag is going past and people are looking forward going, oh, that's my case, oh no, it's just one like my case. Imagine if you had one of them, you'd just stand at the back and people would be like, oh, the Prime Minister's here. And then I walk forward in my holiday beard and my flip-flops and go that's fine i just bought and they say oh it's a second coming but you know i was traveling in south africa once and i was

standing at the luggage um carousel yeah and these big sort of sports bags come around and uh and i looked at the names and i thought hold on this is the south african cricket team and they were standing at the other end of the carousel just collecting like like big bags with like cricket bats in and stuff and i thought isn't that all done by someone else but now they all took them and good good for me even i get that done by someone else do you the one thing i've I've never seen Emily carrying her own cricket bat at an airport.

Oh, there was that time you were being stalked by, I think it was Darren Day, wasn't it? Yeah. But you know I've got

Stuart Broad's bat. Never met Darren Day. Did I mention that? I don't believe you. I wish I wouldn't brag all the time. Frank? Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. the time frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio i'm not sure i believe this story that the prime minister is leaving his red box unattended there's photographs of it what do you mean some sort of doubting thomas just because of that beard and your biblical vibe i do feel a bit doubted thomas and i said you won't be happy until you put the finger into the key ring. My wife had the paper and she was like, I don't believe this story. I just don't think that the Prime Minister travels without security. Well, clearly. Yeah. It said there was a policeman sitting opposite, keeping an eye on the old red box.

What, and they let him take a photo of it? There were four empty seats in first class. It always brings a tear to my eye, that. You can't always see though, can you, what's going on in the seat in front? Exactly. Somebody with a phone would have took a photo. Yeah, they could have chucked a match in there.

Just set fire to all those sensitive... Come on. Chucked a match wouldn't have done anything. Have you ever tried chucking a match into a box? No, I'll tell you about the time I burnt all Tony Blair's papers when he was on the train to Glasgow to a wedding. Did you? No.

Yeah, but you know what? Frank has quite strong views on this, I know this. Does he? Where? Because recently he was on a train, and isn't this true, Frank? A lady said, will you mind my bag? And Frank said, no, I feel a bit uncomfortable. Was he? No, he did say that to me, no, I feel a bit uncomfortable. Was he?

No, he did say that to me. Yeah, I think I refused. Yeah, he refused. It's a big responsibility, don't you think? What if some hoodlum comes and takes him? I'm supposed to wrestle him to the ground. Or is she supposed to come back? I used to have this.

If I had a scream in the night, you know, something really blood-curdling in the night, instead of getting up and looking or going out or phoning the police, I used to look at my radio alarm and think, like, 3.14. I'll remember that. Then if it is a murder, I'll be able to tell the police exactly what happened, and that will help their forensics people. Won't help the victim.

happened and that will help their forensics people. Won't help the victim. No. But at least their death will be part of a very neat timetable. We need more people like you in society. Thank you. Why do they immediately trust the person?

I am the neighbourhood watch, literally. The neighbourhood wristwatch. Well, I've heard that what they do with the red document boxes is, like in films, you carry the bag that looks like it's your bag. And then when they steal and they get back, they've actually got the important stuff in, like, a Pret-a-Manger carrier bag. Is that right? Or folded up like napkins.

Or, here's a weird one, maybe on an email even. Wow. On an electronic device. Yeah. Why would they have papers still? I don't believe that. Who carries papers? If I remember rightly, the red box is actually just full of...

Stop watching the telly, Frank. It's full of wasps. Yeah. So if anyone, you know, thinks ha-ha, they get it back to their flat and boy, are they in trouble. Yeah. Yeah. So if anyone, you know, thinks ha-ha, they get it back to their flat, and boy, are they in trouble. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a swarm. And the guy who took the picture said he saw David Cameron

walking past, and he recognised him, and he said the Prime Minister gave him a smile. Well, he would. Well, I don't know. Relationships have started on less. James Callaghan waved to me outside number 10. I've voted Labour ever since. Michael Foote said hello to me at a dinner party I was at

with my parents. See, I think I'm the only smiler at strangers left. And people think I'm grumpy, so I just don't believe that someone as busy as David Cameron is going around smiling at strangers. OK. You're a Cameron apologist. I'm always doing it. You're the only person left smiling at strangers who's not in custody.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. What about Robin Thicke? Yes. Frank, I believe you run a website called The Thick of It. This is what you told me recently. Yes, I was exaggerating a bit. OK. Well, I didn't know Robin Thicke was

until he got close to Miley Cyrus. Yeah. In that MTV VMA thing. That was one of my weeks off, wasn't it? I heard you discuss it. You know, I played it whilst tidying my bedroom. Did you? Tidying your bedroom?

And how old are you again? Fourteen. Oh, okay. I hate it when you tidy your bedroom. Yeah, well, I didn't. I'd heard of Miley Cyrus, obviously, but I'd never heard of this. It was this man in the stripy suit

who was getting this specialist VIP treatment. Yeah. And then I've looked into Thick. I discovered the famous mirror shot, I think, ahead of Emily and... You really did. Did you? And Horlo. You were the Columbus of the mirror shot.

Yeah. But now he's at it again. He's up to his old tricks again. It's the white... This is the Skinner effect. The Kis Kikis. Don't you think this could be the Skinner effect? I mentioned this before. You discover something or

someone that you've never heard of and then suddenly they're everywhere. Yeah. Well, he's been posing. He likes to pose with a scantily clad lady. He does. We're under no illusions about that. That's sort of his life's work, really. Thick. Old thicko. It's a dirty

job but somebody's got to do it. That's what he says. Old Thicko. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it. That's what he says. And he's posed... It's a filthy job. For? He's posed for the cover of Treats magazine. Yeah. If ever there was a filthy creeps magazine, it's Treats.

Well, to be honest, I thought it was a dog magazine. So I've cancelled my subscription. 120 quid. I thought it was just going to be like, you know, whip it, whip its love, sliced up bacon. That's what I thought it was. Oh, is that what you told Mrs Cockerell? Nice try.

He's got five ladies and they're wearing nout. I don't know if you've seen the offending image. I've seen pixelated versions. Now, Thick said, this is what he said in his defence. Thicky. Yeah. He says it was his wife, Paula. She encouraged him to do the posing

he says paula said go all the way don't just let them be topless go naked he says we really pushed the envelope now he did push the envelope i'll confirm but i heard them i don't believe that for a minute that that wife said that i think she may have said it but when women say that i never believe them i think they're totally lying they're saying it because it's what you want to hear i'm sorry yes i think that kath i mean you know my terrible tango episode when a friend a female friend of mine said she'd like to learn to tango and i said oh i'd like to learn to tang. I was on a break at the time. Yeah. Me and Kath were on a break. So I said to her, oh, Marie said she'd like to learn tango. Was there some tango on the telly?

I said, Marie was all about going for tango lessons, but, you know, obviously now I wouldn't. Even though, you know, she's a friend. She's just a friend. Kath said, no, girl, that'd be good. Was she doing an impression of Leonard Ross? Yes, she was that'd be good. Was she doing an impression of Leonard Ross? Yes, she was. Yeah, yeah, my God, my God, go on a tango.

So, I didn't think any more about it. And then I got a text. I was on holiday with Kath. Oh, yeah. We were lying on, we were on recliners. Yeah. And we were back. With Park and all.

I'm not sure if it was a PK. Okay. But, um, it was a text saying, actually, there's a tango class starting this week. Do you want to come? Great. So I said, what do you think about this? And she said, uh, yeah, go.

Text the band, go. I said, you sure? She said, yeah, go, you know. So I wrote the text, and I thought, before I pressed send, I said, you you sure? She said, yeah, go, you know. So I wrote the text and I thought, before I pressed send, I said, are you absolutely sure about this? She said, what do you want me to say? I'm very happy for you to go to the tango lesson. I said, okay.

So I went to press it again and I said, she said, oh, thank goodness. I mean, with swearing. Just send it. I don't care about the tango lesson. So I sent it. She didn't speak to me for 48 hours. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Robin and Paula Thicke. And my issue with Paula Thicke... Yeah? You seem to agree with me on this, Frank, and cited a personal instance. I mean, I've only told you the preamble to that story. Oh, well, what happened then?

It went on for days. Did it? It went on. In the end, I actually... I didn't send... I sent the text and I got into trouble and then she went so crazy, I sent the text and i got into trouble and then she said and then she went so crazy i sent another text i said it turns out i'm working that day i can't go and then i told

her that i'd done that and then she said right well i'll have to split up with you um for not going um because i don't want to be the sort of girlfriend who would stop a bloke going to a tango lesson. I said, you might not want to be, but you are that person. Anyway, I went. I ended up, I went. And it was the most sad day. I never even, we danced with all these other housewives and we were all sweaty and tentative.

And it was rubbish. And then I went back and I picked up my girlfriend on the way back. I drove back to our flat and I realised that I hadn't got the keys to get in. I'd left them at the tango lesson. So I had to drive her back to the tango lesson. And when we got... And I said to her, look, it was the...

You know, it was me standing at arm's length, you know, with a 50-year-old woman who didn't want to be there and didn't want to dance with me. And it was, you know... By the time we got there, they were on to Advanced. We opened the door to the tango. There were people entwined. So you couldn't tell where the male stopped

and the female started. The sweat was dripping off the rafter. This music was... And they were all sinews. You could... Sex was thick. Antonio Banderas rising. Thick in the air it was.

Wow. Like the smell of big coins in Costa coffee. Oh, yeah. And, you know, that cheap chocolate thing. Yeah, I know that. And, of course, she thought, oh, this is what it's like. It wasn't like that at all. Anyway, old Marthick.

Yeah, but I do sympathise with Kath, because what happens, the reason we do this, I do what Kath does, we feel we have to, because these Paula Thicke types make us sound like old Enid Sharpe's nags. No-one wants to be that, so we have to pretend to go along with it. But old Marthick, yeah, she's basically...

Well, she's lied. She says she's fine about it. She says she's fine about the whole thing. She said she was fine. You know the photo she's lied. She says she's fine about it. She says she's fine about the whole thing. She said she was fine. You know the photo incident, Frank? She said she was fine about that. I don't believe that. Was she?

Oh, yeah. The mirror? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. She said we were doing it as a joke. I told him to do it. You are kidding me.

No, she did. Well, I wouldn't want him preparing food. After that incident. I don't know. Though I did hear once, Will Smith apparently said every film he works on, he falls in love with one of the women on the film and he always tells his wife and they laugh about it.

I thought, yeah, well, I'm not falling into that trap, Will. Haven't they divorced? Is that right? Have I got that wrong? Have they divorced since? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I read something like that. I mean, can you imagine?

What kind of madness is that? Oh, you can't do that. Especially not when you're doing Cranky's The Return. No. No, exactly. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

So we're right at the end of the summer and there's been a bit of transfer news out with Jessie J in with Carly Minogui on the voice, she's a judge now she's stepped in Well I only know that becauseisy the producer she's fond of a saturday night well you know those saturday night shows she was fond of saturday night shows

i put a stop to that no but frank they also play you raise me up over a vt of someone in birmingham crying yeah sorry but they do yeah you're quite right and that's what she likes it's kylie's legs long enough to actually turn the chair well she, she'd be like Ronnie Corbett on that chair, wouldn't she? Little legs going, and she's still got her back to someone who she thinks is brilliant. She might fly off that chair, but I think she'll stay on there. She's little, isn't she? Would the centrifugal force keep her in there when it spins round?

Well, I don't know, because I think she'll have to spin round the other way, because she's from Australia. That's the way it works. Prestigious show, though. I mean, who can forget last year's winner? Or the year before. Yeah, I can see why you'd go on that. I think it's very unwise of them to introduce the idea of turning your chair around.

But no, it's a good booking, though. Kylie, I think, still got a lot of followers. Yeah. Could be interesting for that opening live song that all the judges do. Oh, yeah. Because I'm not saying she can't sing live, but does she do a lot of singing live? She sang live on my chat show. Did she?

Yeah. Terrible. Work with them all. She had, thanks. It's the last she's ever done it since. Oh, thanks. She's lovely, though. I think she's... She's very nice. She had, thanks. It's the last she's ever done it since. Oh, thanks. She's lovely, that. She's very nice.

She is lovely. I was astonished at her evanescent beauty. It was as if there was a candle lit inside her head, and she emanated light. Lovely. And relaxed. What I very much liked is the writer for this. I think it was in the Daily Mail.

Yeah. Do you know, it's a thing I'm very fascinated by, is that when journalists write about someone, once they've used their name a couple of times, I think, well, I can't use their name again. I'm going to have to come up with a potted description for them. Like, say, if they said, Chris Evans has won several awards at his radio show,

blah, blah, blah. Evans said he's really, really pleased about this. The zany broadcaster, blah, blah. You know that? That's the moment where they think, hmm. And then number four would be the carrot top presenter. Yeah, exactly. Well, Kylie in the Daily Mail, after a couple of references,

was called the can't get you Out Of My Head Hitmaker. That's rubbish. There's no invention in that. I would have gone Pint-Sized Pop Princess. Surely they did that. Good alliteration. The Pocket Venus. Lovely. The Antipodean

Sex Bomb. A bit creepy. I don't think she can getodean sex bomb right bit creepy yeah I don't think she couldn't get called a sex bomb if she sat in a row of chairs

next to Tom Jones because oh yeah that's kind of confusing he uses that doesn't he oh I hope he doesn't have a wandering hand no I don't think he would

like Robin Thicke I think no I'd never get to the back of that seat he would such is Tom's determination. He'd just tear his way through the upholstery. It's probably the most famous bottom in show business.

It is, isn't it? But imagine Tom with Dorne's and his old big scratches from the springs. I think he's already got a fair amount of horse hair coming out of him. Anyway. He's her suit, isn't he? I just, I think I slightly upset someone the other day with a Minogue reference, but maybe I'll explain this after this. Oh, God.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was working with a Canadian. Oh. Well, that narrows it down. And I explained to her, I sort of warmed to Canadians and New Zealanders, the Portuguese maybe, someone, what I call the Danny countries, the ones who've got a big famous sister that everyone loves.

But they've done all right. Right, yeah. And the Canadian person didn't warm to it. Oh, man. That's why I'm looking at them. Didn't like the idea of their little brother status. You know what I mean? America is obviously kindly.

Canada is Danny, and Danny has done well. People, you know, not as threatening because not as successful. Yeah. And people sort of like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Portugal to Spain, I'm thinking.

Yeah, yeah, I'd go with that. And, of course, Scotland, Wales and Ireland to England. I'm going to call them bridesmaid countries. Okay, bridesmaid countries. We'll go with that. That's what they are. Yeah. I mean, you're a big fan of Scotland, Ireland and Wales, aren't you?

That was slightly offensive to them, I imagine. I don't know. We'll come back to some emails after you've been to that wedding. No, because it suggests that they're the pretty ones that people actually like and have affection for, and the real big star successful one, people are always a bit unsure about. They make suggestions, for example,

they can't sing live. Oh, right, yeah, I see. Some people, the cynics. Anyway, I'd be happy to live in a Danny country. Let's face it, I think England's becoming a Danny country now, isn't it? To whom? I guess to the United States. A 1950s kitchen table conversation.

Have we become Radio 4? What's happened here? No, it's become more like Birmingham Radio in the 50s. Or the United States. Who says that? Well, what do you call it? What about those people that call it, this house over in the States? Jimmy Carr did that recently.

Did he? Then he's a complete scoundrel. He said, yeah, the States. No, I really go off people that say the States. I say US of A. You know what I say, which makes me sound a little bit like I go there a lot, I say the US.

You know what I say? What? Across the pond. If I ever say that, will you execute me? Do you mean a pond in, like, one of London's parks? I go across the pond to the Big Apple. I hate it when people say, are they up yet? Oh, I don't like that.

Just talking about the time difference. Are they up yet, they say. East Coast. Aboriginal. It's a celebration of Kylie Minogue coming to. Excellent. I'll tell you, I saw a bloke playing one of those in Edinburgh, and I said, can you do All By Myself by Eric Carman?

What did he say? He didn't even stop playing. I had a thought it would be possible with a bit of... I would have given him money. Mm-hm. OK. It's a real shame this is the last link. I think I could listen to another hour or so of that.

Yeah, it's an element of... And Charlie says... Can we make a promise that this is how we'll start next week's show? Let's not bank on next week's show at this stage. Anyway, as we speak, I'll probably be in tears because my girlfriend's sister Rachel is marrying her bloke Jack and, you know, she's a girl I truly love and care about. And seeing her happy will be like winning the lottery for me.

And that is... that's from the heart. So, and I know Emily's nodding. How lovely. She's asleep. I'm not. I just think I'm going to be in tears because of the Spanx I've got to wear. Yeah. Well, where do you think I feel? I'm wearing. I just think I'm going to be in tears because of the Spanx I've got to wear. Yeah. Well, where do you think I feel? I'm wearing a leather harness, which West Midlands police say I have to wear until I get my lower order sorted out. Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Actually, we won't be back this time next week. We'll be back at Saturday morning. Thanks for listening to us when we weren't there. And, you know, we love and care about you. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.