The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Visiting

Episode Date: March 17, 2012

Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Steve Williams. They discuss pre-show rituals, Cameron-Obama lovin' and who could be the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get 2 for 1 tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also I've got to tell you about how you can win a 5 night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I am with Emily Dean and also Steve Williams.

Yay! Not the one who had their last show on BBC Breakfast. That's Sian Williams. Sian! People thinking, God, she's a fast mover. This is better than Salford, apparently. That's why she left. There's all this big emotional farewell.

She just didn't want to go to Manchester. Snob. She's back on the radio, isn't she? That's what she's doing now. Can't hear you, Steve. This is your big moment, your big break, and I can't hear you. And I blew it. Oh, too late.

Now, Steve actually just did the best joke I've ever heard in this course forever. That's the end of your Sian Williams material. She's back on the radio, did you say? Yeah, she's working in radio, I think. That's just did the best joke I've ever heard. It's gone forever. That's the end of your Sian Williams material. She's back on the radio, did you say? Yeah, she's working in radio, I think. That's what she's done. She's come back. She's not gone forever. I don't want her sniffing around my gigs, Frank.

No, I think that's what Rodri, Rodri's wife, said. That was a Ryan Giggs joke, but I couldn't remember the name of all the key players. What's the name of Ryan Giggs' wife? Natasha. Yes. Thanks very much for that. It's okay.

See, that's what happens when you get old. Your killer one-liners dwindle into, what's the name of that? I saw Jackie Mason last night, the elderly Jewish comedian. He's nuff old. It's very difficult when you see Jackie Mason live. Why is that? Because when you get home, your girlfriend says, you see Jackie Mason live Why's that? It's because when you get home your girlfriend says How was Jackie Mason?

And you say He's getting old but he was funny and he's talking about this and it was great and I liked it and you can't stop talking I thought the radio show tomorrow is me going to be saying and then you get the Jews of God

they're climbing in the big four by four there's 83 year old Jews climbing in a four by and it's it's very very infectious indeed i always get that when i get to the cinema i come out walking a bit like the hero or synagogue yeah not the synagogue i haven't gone that far down the jackie mason route how is his hair and makeup looking i'm just curious he looked like a man who was... What is it with even the very rich, even Paul McCartney? When they go in grey and they dye their hair, it goes purple. What is that? Aubergine, yeah.

What is it? I don't know, but generally men, just FYI, don't dye your hair. That's all I have to say on the subject. Leave it to the ladies. As you may have noticed, I don't usually think these are individual highlights that I've put in. I've got some grey dye and I did each hair. But no, obviously anyone who dyes their hair is essentially a liar.

But anyway, text us in on 8-12-15 and we'd love to hear from you. I also said something to Steve Williams that I haven't said for years. When he came in, he went to sit on like a stool. You might not have noticed this, Steve. And then the settee, there was a space on the settee, and I said,

have a backrest. Have a backrest. And we used to say that. When you go into the pub, there'd be some chairs that had backs on and some that were stools. And if you were, you'd say,

well, I'll have a backrest. And it was like a privilege. It was a treat. It was an absolute treat. Oh, you could lean back a little bit. Oh, I have a back rest this morning and I'm proud of that. So I spent the weekend, what we used to call in the West Midlands back in the day, visiting. Visiting.

Which means you just go from house to house visiting people. Not for food or anything like that, not for a meal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just turn up. In those days, we didn't make appointments. You'd just go, you'd think, oh, we'll go and see. What happened to visiting? It's sort of gone off the radar, hasn't it?

I don't think people, I don't know if this still happens in the other part of the country, and I'd love to hear from our listeners on 8, 12, 15. It's all gone a bit Christ a Christian O'Connell breakfast show. We used to not phone ahead, mainly because none of us had phones. Even landlines, we didn't have that. So you just turned up. Sometimes you'd turn

up and they'd be out and you'd rip the corner off an envelope from your pocket and say that you'd called and put that through the letterbox. And are you carrying that envelope just in case? I still carry that through the letterbox. And are you carrying that envelope just in case? I still carry that envelope to this day. Still jagged. Anyway, part of my visiting, which was... I went... I was going to see Fairport Convention.

Oh. Do you know that band? The 1967? Steve's looking very confused. I'm still looking at your hair. Is Frank a liar? I don't know. What were you looking at? My hair? I was sitting to see if I dye it.

He doesn't dye it. I thought it was a reference to the fin that I carved this morning with gel. On the front. Yeah. So I couldn't go... They were on Saturday night. They were the kings of folk rock, basically. They championed folk rock in this country.

And they were doing a gig in London, and I couldn't go. I was doing something else. So what I did, and this is great if you can't make a gig. What about this? I went to the sound check. Oh, nice, yeah. So there was just, like, four of us sitting in the arena watching the sound check.

In an arena, just four of you? Well, I say arena. It was about... Small room in Camden. Yeah, it was about a 600-seater. I don't know why I said arena. Perhaps I was thinking of Tina Arena. I so often am nowadays.

That woman haunts my every thought. I'm not quite sure who she is, but nevertheless. Anyway, so I thought, wouldn't it be great if weddings were like this? You could say, I don't want to come to the... Can I just come to the rehearsal?

On the Thursday, I'll sit at the back on my own. It would have been lovely. But I had one particular visiting experience, which was a complete thrill for me. But you know what? I'm going to leave that on what I like to call a cliffhanger. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio

i uh yeah so i went visiting and i went visiting the house of emily dean it was quite an honor i've known emily for a long long time and she's never ever invited me back to hers. Wow. And I've had many theories about this. He thought I was Miss Havisham. I thought there was something going on. Yeah, I thought there was a cobweb-covered wedding cake in one corner. There was the make-up stash, which we'll get to. Yeah, there was a make-up stash. That was phenomenal.

But anyway, I thought there must be some sort of double life that's being kept from me. You know, I don't know if you ever used to watch Top Cat. Top Cat? Oh, yeah. Do you remember Top Cat? Yeah, I do. But Benny the Ball in that, I remember in one episode, he told his parents that he was a millionaire financier in the city.

And so when they turned up in Top Cat, he didn't mention... What episode is that? He didn't mention they lived in bins. Did you think I lived in bins? No, no, but this is an analogy with Benny the Boar. Benny the Boar, I mean, you know, and they wore minimal clothing. In Top Cat or Emily's Club? Well.

Top Cat wore a waistcoat and a straw boat, and that was it. And no underwear. No underwear. No. No. So Benny the Boar's parents come, and Top Cat and his gang have to pretend that Benny is a rich person and they all work for him, and that's it.

And it was that. You know, it must have seen that in other sitcoms. Oh, yeah. It's a common conceit. Yeah, so I thought it would be some sort of double life. I'd get there and Emily worked in McDonald's for all her finery. There'd be an island McDonald's. You know, two stars.

I'm not saying she's failed there. But it was actually lovely. It was a lovely flat. So your expectation was that it was going to be awful, and it was nice? What do you mean? You thought it was going to be awful? I actually got a bit nervous about it. Did you?

Can I tell you what I got nervous about, Frank? What was that? I'm just going to be honest. I wasn't at Can I tell you what I got nervous about, Frank? What was that? I'm just going to be honest. I wasn't at the time, but now we have an audience, I will. Oh, good. When I made you a cup of tea, you held on to that tea like a trophy. You wouldn't part with it. And I felt it was because there were no coasters,

and I thought I'd let you down with the coasters. You put me in one of my ultimate dilemmas, because I cannot operate without a coaster. I cannot pour a hot cup of tea onto a wooden surface. Or any surface. But that's right. You don't want rings on your coffee table. You've got a tour around the boudoir. But you stalled at the en suite.

I always back off from a toilet on the... It's an en suite! No, but on the... When you get a tour of someone's house... It's always a weird thing to get to someone's house and they'll say, I'll give you the tour When you get a tour of someone's house... You know, it's always a weird thing, you get to someone's house and they'll say, I'll give you the tour. And you go around like it's, you know, Shakespeare's house.

Yeah, yeah. And I actually found myself... I cannot believe... I never... I try so hard not to lapse into cliché, but I did find myself using the phrase, it's a nice size at one point. Did you say you loved... That was about a room. phrase, it's a nice size, at one point. Did you say you loved...

That was about a room. Yes, it was. Yeah. And you saw my make-up stash, Frank. Yeah, this is something I wasn't expecting. When I thought, because I know that, you know, obviously pride in appearance is a big thing in Emily. I knew there would be make-up there. I was expecting...

It was a bit more industrial quantities than I expected. Like hand blicks walking round. It was in... I was looking for the smoking lipstick. It was in Tupperware containers, which is

practical. Labelled Tupperware containers. I think one was called Various Tans. I like that. All the grades. They were all neatly labelled. There's blushes slash bronzers. But let me make this point before we move on.

When I say Tupperware containers, some of you might think of those things you took to school that would basically take two sandwiches, an apple and maybe a Twix, wedged. Wedged to give stability to the sandwiches so they didn't move about in the satchel. Remember that? Yeah, yeah, I do.

I'm talking about, if you're going on a family picnic, that kind of, I'm talking about, like, eight or nine inches deep Tupperware containers. I mean, it was a mountain of makeup. I could stage the average West End musical just using Emily's Tupperware containers.

It was a revelation. Oh. But I don't know why, because you're so beautiful, naturally, you don't need it. Oh. He ended the insult with a compliment. You've actually misspelt beautiful M on that note. Oh, thanks. So, yeah, it was was exciting though and and thrilling and uh what i resisted

doing though my girlfriend didn't why do people do this if you meet someone you have a nice time and at the end you say i had a really nice time that was great you know it's brilliant great to see you big hogs you get two minutes down the road you're gonna text saying exactly the same thing why do people do that why do people do that? Why do people do that? Because they care for you, Frank. No, but we already said all that. It's called love. I said all that.

I don't want it in writing. I don't need it. It's not a legal thing. I'm not going to say, don't try and deny that, Hog. I've got it in writing. That's all I'm saying. Is that all I'm saying? If that's all I'm saying, this is going to be a lousy show.

I don't want to start. I don't know where in this link. I don't know how to help you out of it. The adverts are coming and I can't face it. There's been a text message in about your hair. There's been a text message about my hair. Yes.

Perhaps you can tell me that while we're listening to this. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the general public? Yes, we have. Good.

And in fact... You know when you think, have I put the volume up? Have I been having that feeling Frank we've had word in from Nathan Taylor I say that like I know him and he's an old friend of ours but the subject line intrigued me it was called things that annoy me

this could be a long one he says I just want to throw my hat into the ring as a follow-up to the umbrella discussion on Wednesday's Not The Weekend podcast. Frank discussed his hatred of umbrellas. Well, it wasn't mine, actually. It was my girlfriend's anti-umbrellas. I'm pro.

I'm pro Gamp. Pro Bombershoot. Absolutely. These are all names for umbrellas, can I find out. A Bombershoot. A Bombershoot and a Gamp. Look them up. Nathan says, I cannot stand small children dancing.

It just makes me cringe. They're always rubbish. Is that true? No, I'm totes with you, Nathan. Yet overexcited parents encourage it. Typical scenario is a wedding just before the night kicks off. Little over-excited parents encourage it. Typical scenario is a wedding just before the night

kicks off. Little Timmy, oh, is it 1973? Yeah. Normally about three to five years old wearing a waistcoat is dancing poorly

and being rewarded with excited parents clapping and taking photos. Oh. We should not reward poor performance even at that age. Secondly,

Strict. Cruel. I actually think Nathan and I really that age. Secondly... Strict. Cruel. I actually think Nathan and I really get along. Secondly, don't take your children to a wedding. You can probably guess I'm single, angry about the wedding, and barren without child. With that rant over, I bid you all good day. You see, I think you have to let people take their children to a wedding

so that the bride and groom's children have got someone to play with. There you are. That's a 21st century link here on Absolute Radio. Well, I know what they mean. It's that moment when children in suits are dancing to the Beatles. Oh, it's a bit Fantasy Island. I don't like that. I think it's

brilliant, isn't it? Is it? Yeah, because they're smaller in suits. It looks funny. It scales out. Oh, it's funny, hasn't it? Yeah, it has a comedy to it. The worst thing I saw, Frank, was, I believe it was Will Neely and Bruce Forsyth's child, JJ, in a tuxedo baby grow. I just don't tolerate that. Oh, yes.

Well, I mean, I'll have to do a list of the wrong things about that whole image. Yeah, well... A tuxedo baby girl is cool, isn't it? You have children. Do you dress them up? Yes. Yeah, I dressed him up last weekend as a skeleton. Oh, that's lovely. It's brilliant. It looks funny.

For what? For an event? For a picture, just for my phone. for a picture, just for my phone. You're one of these people who send those bumpers that you get after the adverts when you're watching X Factor who people think, if you put a small child in sunglasses, it's the funniest thing in the world.

You're right. You've got me pegged, I do think. You know, they make baby sunglasses now. Baby-aters, they're called. Baby-aters. Baby-aters. Excellent. So you would actually... You dressed your child up for a photograph opportunity. Oh, yeah, because I've got a skeleton costume as well. Oh, so it was sort of a mini-me element to it.

Yeah, exactly. Me and him in skeleton costumes. I just thought it looked... I thought it looked hilarious. It was like mini-me the inside story. Mini-me inside the x-ray machine. Exactly. Perfect.

Well, that's lovely. I mean, you have something of a curmudgeonly air to you, but thanks for sending that in. I was pleased. You've got to let kids perform. It's like when I want to watch... No, you must never let kids perform. You must, says the child actress.

Exactly. I saw my niece at the nativity last year and she only had one line and I thought it was brilliant she messed it up she was one of the kings and the first king walks out

I bring gold the second king walks out you know I bring my and my niece walked out and said Frank sent this that was she did that deliberately

you told her yeah you did that's such a set up I think yeah Steve was involved in rewrites. Although why a king was dressed as a skeleton, nobody knew. I think you can have fun with the pronunciation of mer, couldn't you? Mer. I thought you said meh.

Some meh. Oh, I could have got ten minutes out of that when I was a child. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'd like to talk about a burgeoning bromance. I'm going to call it a bromance. Between David Cameron and Barack Obama. Oh, yes.

I've been loving it. Very tactile. Did you notice that Barack Obama was sort of adopting a slightly Brit lexicon? Out of respect, I felt. He said he was chuffed to bits. That was a bit Vernon Kaye on Celeb Family Fortunes, I thought. Chuffed to bits. Chuffed to bits.

The thing is, David Cameron would never say he was chuffed to bits. He probably didn't know what he was talking about. He needs to aim a bit higher on the food chain. He should have said toodle pip or something like tally ho. Sorry, Frank, I've just had a really strange text in which I have to read out. OK. I don't know whether this is a webcam fan. I hope not, because it's in 381 and it says,

not a decent face amongst you. Love, Eagle. Oh, yeah. OK. It might be a Faces for Radio reference. We're a triumvirate. We're a triumvirate of mingers. That's the collective. I couldn't believe it.

It might be a reference to, because the mods were known as Faces, weren't they? It might be. The mods, those guys on the scooters were known as Faces. He might be checking out a garb to see and look for a bit of Ben Sherman. And he's gone, I'm disappointed.

I think this is the guy who runs, I think, Radio Modwatch. I don't know if you ever read those mod magazines. It's quite cruel, though, because Emily's face is all right, isn't it? I was waiting for you to say that. It took ages. There's a flip side of the coin. I wore a Harrington jacket one week and he sent in some lovely stuff. Frank.

He's all right. Can we get back to Barack Obama? I thought there was quite an awkward moment when he said about Sam Cam, very pretty. Did he say that? Yeah, which I thought was a bit car keys in the bowl. I didn't like that.

Yes. Barack Obama said Sam Cam was very classy. Yes, yes. Sam Cam, I should say, is Samantha Cameron, the wife of our Prime Minister. Sounds like some kind of camera angle you get on a spring watch or something. Yeah, the Sam Cam. Yeah, record in the corner.

What did you two, as fashionistas in many ways, what did you both make of the wardrobes? Well, I'll tell you what I didn't like what and i don't really well i say i don't notice i actually do notice um women's clothes and in a in a in a way other than men often as years of watching fashion tv i have been with friends buying clothes and they'll try and address and i'll say the thing is the line i don't think the line flatters your line i love it when you do that. And it doesn't have that. The way, because it's high-waisted,

because it's high-waisted, the pleats, to me, are a waste of time. It's been, I have those kind of conversations. Hazy Midland's got Kwan. It is. And Michelle Obama was wearing, at one point, I'm calling them voluminous, a voluminous pair of white trousers.

Oh, the palazzo pants. Is that what they're called? We would have called them Oxford bags. Massive, wide, white trousers. A lot of material there. Really not ideal for a recession. Well, we're trying to save. We're trying to cut corners.

But if you're going to wear, and I remember this from school when we wore Oxford bags, you need to wear a big, chunky platform with them. You don't want to wear a delicate, tiny... And she had these little, tiny, pointy shoes. Can I just say something? Just coming out from... You're bang on, Mike Skinner.

Yeah, really. He's bang on. He's totally right. It's true. It looked like a bat in a double bed. It was just two little points coming out of this big expanse of white material. And I thought, Michelle, no. I said that, Harry Enfield style.

Michelle, no! Yeah, and also she's gone for a Gabrielle fringe. Has she lost an eye recently? Was she expecting the browns instead of a camera? No, but like me, Frank, she might be wanting to save on Botox. You never know. There is that, yeah. Do you think just one side of her face is crinkling?

It's starting. Apparently, some people, they don't come on generally. They go on left to right, like handwriting. So the wrinkling starts on the left side of the face and works its way across. With the Chinese, it starts at the top and goes down. Nice. Yeah. So I was disappointed, because I think of her as the more glamorous of the two.

No. I mean, they're both attractive women, and also, and I don't want to get obsessive about this, but Sam Cam wore a belt. Repeatedly. She wore a belt, and I looked for the buckle, and it was not there and and it was like she'd put the belt on and then she's not a pirate frank even just a tiny joint she'd spun it around

so the back of the belt was showing forward and i thought years i've never thought of doing that it's a great idea stick around yeah so you look like you're walking backwards when you're going forwards clever yeah just fool people well she needs to do something with her hair. Yeah. Otherwise, that's giving the whole game away. The thing that got me about Sam Cameron was that everyone's going on, oh, she's got this amazing dress on, but she's still got the touch of the common people. She's wearing high street shoes.

That's that. They are fun, yeah. I like the way you get a list of where the stuff came from. And she has an exposed zip. Did you notice that on the back of the skirt, Sam? Yes, I did notice. Exposed zip on the back. It's Victoria Beckham. It reminded me of the kids at school.

If ever their mums replaced the zip on their trousers, they never got it to work so the material covered the zip. The zip was just there forever. It was the most upfront zip of all time. And that's how it worked. Like my mum had repaired Sam Cam's skirt, which she did not. Not a good socialist like my mum.

My mum was a caring social comment. I've seen her walk two or three miles to put dog excrement through a sex offender's letter box. She cared, my mother, and no-one would take us away from that. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, that snuck up on me

and now I'm eating banana. And I'm eating a biscuit. Steve, it's over to you. I'm a pro. Go on, say something. Oh, that's horrible. We've had an email, Frank, if you want to hear that. It's from Ian Stewart in Kuala Lumpur. Ian Stewart, who occasionally played keyboards for the Rolling Stones

around sort of the Exile on Main Street era. I think so. Okay, that's good, he's still around. He says, dear Frank, I'm a bit surprised that no one has brought this up before, but the show's sign-off, If the Good Lord's Willing and the Creeks Don't Rise, if I'm not terribly mistaken, is derived from 18th century American diplomat Benjamin Hawkins,

who went somewhere to Washington... Oh, did Benny Hawkins? Benny Hawkins. Benny Hawkins was Benny from Crossroads, that was his name. Was it? Benny Hawkins, yeah. Described, you can check this out, described on Wikipedia as the bumblingumbling semi-rustic handyman. Oh, I love a euphemism.

Benjamin Hawkins, yeah. So it's from the 18th century American diplomat slash bumbling domestic handyman, Benjamin Hawkins, who, when summoned to Washington, wrote in a letter, God willing and the creek don't rise. The creek referring to the Muscogee Indian tribe Why did he call them the Creek? That's a collective noun for a bunch of Muscogee Indians. Is it? I don't know.

Because there is a tribe called the Cree, is there not? The Cree? Yeah. Is there? Yeah, I think so. I think there was a... It's all gone a bit Discovery Channel here. Yeah, exactly.

There'll be some Native American experts tell us about that. I don't know why you'd call them the Cree. There must be a... I'm happy to go with it. Frank, can I just ask you something? Who was that from? Sorry.

That was from Ian Stewart, the keyboards player. Oh, of course. In Kuala Lumpur. Kuala Lumpur? Yeah. Sounds like a man who kills small furry animals for a living, doesn't she? Yeah.

John, he's a Koala Lumpur. It's got that, you know, my wife's just gone to the West Indies. My wife's just gone to Malaysia. Koala Lumpur? No. No, no, she went to her own accord. Oh, God. Doesn't quite work.

Frank, there was a moment of tension with your manager. He's here today wearing red. It quite suits him. Can I say, you're not the first person to have a moment of tension with my manager. To carry on. We were talking about your interview with Mark Lawson. Oh, yes, I was. I enjoyed it immensely.

Thank you very much. Don't worry if you missed it it was on BBC4 I say that by way of explanation but we were talking about the way you looked and I think your manager had something to say about your appearance well my manager found me up and said I watched the interview it was excellent but he said I think it's your worst ever TV hair

oh no that's what he said to me well of course now I can't face watching it I don't like watching me at the best of times. But, you know, hair like mine, it doesn't take much for it to go completely out of kilter. Really? Hair like mine?

I love the sentence. It's quite simple, isn't it, your hair? It looks simple, but, you know, perhaps I study it more than most. But there are days when I think, you know, it looks all right today. And then there are days when I think, bald. Did they use product, Frank? I don't remember them touching it, actually. They were mainly working on powdering down Mark Lawson.

Is he shiny? He's a bit... Oh, yeah. He was like... You know Jupiter has been particularly visible? Or is it Venus? I think Venus has been the most visible. He has a fabulous ethereal glow about him. Lovely chap, don't get me wrong. Meanwhile...

Don't get me wrong! Over in Washington... Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I'm not done yet on those wardrobes. So you think Sam Cam came out on top, do you? I think she dressed the best on this particular scene. Yes, you're right.

It's not an opinion, you're right. Thank you very much yes yeah and what did you think of the gifts frank well they were brilliant weren't they i don't think anyone can top the try too hard gift the gordon brown did you know what gordon brown gave barack obama when they last met i mean honestly if you wanted to look up what a try-too-hard gift was, he got him a pen holder made out of wood from an anti-slavery ship. I mean, God, for goodness. What is an anti-slavery ship? How does that work? It's a strong trade union presence.

Yeah, but I mean, just relax about it, Gordon, for goodness sake. Don't bring up slavery when it's supposed to be, you know, play table tennis. Did you like the table tennis? No. I don't like to see politicians relaxing in any way. No.

I don't like to see their jackets come off. I don't like a t-shirt over the shirt as well, like they're working at Jumble Sale. Do you know what they bought Gordon Brown? What? They bought him DVDs, some DVDs, when he went off. Oh my God, that's so cheap. That is so cheap.

They weren't even particularly relevant. They didn't get him Braveheart or anything. Box set of The Wire or something. What did they get him? The Bulletproof Monk? One of those ones that you know someone had sent to the Obamas as a bit of a promotional thing. He said, I'll give that to Gordon. It's rubbish. Like passing off. And this is absolutely true.

They weren't even in, like, UK format. They weren't Region 2. And so Gordon wouldn't have even been able to... I mean, it's such a airport gift, isn't it? It really is. Got him a big Toblerone. A tie. Oh, poor Gordon.

We miss him. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Williams. Hello. Frank, stop all the clocks. Sean

Williams has left BBC Breakfast this week. I know. I mean, we've already... I know. It's terribly sad news. Well, I watched that actually. I watched it last year. Did you? And I thought, I don't... I've met Sean Williams. I've done BBC Breakfast. And I thought, she's alright.

I'm not bothered about it It is a big story I'm going to hang around for the year I quite would like to see the last moment because I want to see how she goes out I don't care That was like you watched the last days of GMTV You enjoyed that

GMTV, that was like ancient Rome They were getting away with doing anything on there. They just thought, we're going out with a bang, who cares? But Sian obviously was a professional to the very end. Yeah. Well, you say that, but did you see that strange ritual they showed? Oh, yes, this is what she does before...

Is it before every show? Yeah, her and Hugh shake out their hands for... Hugh Edwards? Yes. OK. Sorry, I referred to him in a show-been-f presuming steve knows you edwards of course i do you all know each other don't you you lot of course there's five of us yeah charlotte church you sean williams and sean lloyd the weather girl and we sit around a table oh she's welsh as well

oh is it a welsh thing then that They hold their arms out in front of them. Yeah. As if they, like when people used to imitate sleepwalking in the old days. I don't know if anyone's ever sleepwalked like that in truth. It's like Top Cat sleepwalking. I like that Top Cat's become a recurring theme today. In a minute, I shall take a coin on a small piece of string.

There are teenagers listening to this going, this Top Cat thing, is it a drug of some kind? The noon word for meow-meow? So they hold their arms out straight in front of them and then they just do a floppy wrist and shake their hands. And I thought, I'll try that. Does it relax you? I'll try it. It actually hurt me. That's ageing, isn't it?

It really hurt my wrists. It was quite strange. It was a bit regional. I had to get a couple of copper... I needed some copper bracelets. Or maybe a wasp box. Have you ever seen those wasp boxes that they use? What's a wasp box?

It's not easy to say a wasp box. See, I have to put like a slight pause. Wasp box. I can't say wasp box. Because I lose the P. Anyway. What is a wasp box? People't say wasp box because i use that lose the p anyway what is a wasp people with arthritis i think used to use it and if you've got arthritic wrists used to have these little they're like a sort of a a sort of a big bracelet but with wasps in like a like a like a cage a wasp a wasp cage bracelet and you put them on and they sting you really

badly it's supposed to alive oh yeah they're alive what kind of a bracelet is that yeah you only wear it temporarily all right i mean i've seen people with the toilet seats with fish in there and the top you know yeah i don't know if they actually do anything there's nothing to dry skin off your thighs yeah but um yeah so they sting and that the wasp thing is supposed to be good for the arthritis. That's it. Can I say, Absolute Radio, we don't push this as a cure. I'm just, this is a personal reminiscence.

That's quite a strange ritual, though, I thought. I mean, I do a few things pre-show. I don't know if you've noticed, Steve. Frank, you may be more familiar. I have to have my spot on the sofa when we're having breakfast. Studying in Oxfordshire on the M40, there are problems around... Sorry, some of you will know I run a minicab company

on the side here. When I put the wrong headphones on, it's a bit of a disaster. Funny thing, that happened, I think, last week, and Daisy, the producer, said, I'll never do that again guess what so um what are we talking about uh rituals so another thing i do i always like to turn the aircon to 21 for frank he loves it on 21 yes i oh that makes you sound a bit divaish

it does yeah holly walsh pointed out i don't say can you turn the heating up or down i go i'm cold like some terrible medieval king just look at emily 21 i wish emily wouldn't do that handstand though before it's all right when she's got jeans on but sometimes honestly i don't know where to look i'm just loving the idea of people looking at me and shouting 21. That's made my day. Thank you Steve. So I I tell you what I do and I did it this morning. If I'm going to do a show

of some kind, I have a mog at home. Mog? That's M-U-G. Oh yeah. Mog. I thought you were saying cat mog. Mog. I have a cat at home. A straw boat, a waistcoat. No, I have a mog without a handle.

Which makes sense. It never had a handle. I bought it in Japan at a baseball game. Oh. And it just comes without a handle. And you think a mog without a handle, you wouldn't be able to drink the hot fluids. It doesn't make any difference at all.

I've discovered from this mog that mogs don't really need handles it's a waste all that china that's used to make all those unnecessary handles could put another 5 000 public toilets in this country that's all i'm saying surely a mug without a handle is a chalice maybe in your house but i i if I'm doing a show I tend to drink out of that mug first thing in the morning oh really

as a sort of my pre-show ritual anyone listening to this show might think get a new mug but you know what I mean if you don't like it

so I also make comments on the way the girls wardrobe we always do that as well. I know, but we're going to bring that up, you're so cotty. If any of our listeners have any sort of rituals that they do, you know, these weird superstitious things, do let us know, because, um...

I'm interested. I think that's the bottom line. I don't mean the bottom line with Mary Portis. Frank? Frank Skinner. I think that's the bottom line. I don't mean the bottom line with Mary Portis. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, rituals.

So I always used to, before I went on stage, I was in my dressing room, I always played either Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire or George Formby's If Women Like Them Like Men Like Those, stage, in my dressing room, I always played either Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire or George Formby's If Women Like Them Like Men Like Those, Why Don't Women Like Me? Blimey, that is two ends of the rainbow. They're both

something to my serotonin levels. They make me feel so excited, both of those songs. Really? Yeah, I mean, really excited, I can't explain. You can't imagine anyone getting fired up to George Formby. Well, it's been firing people up. What about World War II?

We'd have lost without George Formby. He was the, he was the, he was what Roy Keane used to be to the Republic of Ireland team. I'm choking. Help me. I'm choking. Sorry, that was a terrible terrible frog in the throat moment.

Do you have any rituals? David, comedians sometimes do, don't they? Yeah, I mean, I personally, I just... I don't really have rituals, but I just make sure my flies are done up. The last thing you need is a wardrobe malfunction. Yeah, I don't know, I'm glad of any comedy I can get. Sometimes I deliberately undo them before I go on. Leave the flies open. Yeah the flies open on the off chance

if the other act comes in and says it'll be tough tonight it sounds like a flies open audience just to get them warmed up I think rituals are more of a sort of sportsman thing aren't they Paul Ince, remember Paul Ince the footballer

who played for Man United in West Ham? The governor. Oh, because that wasn't patronising. I was just impressed. No, Frank asked me last week, now, do you know what the technical area is? And I was able to respond. That's a reasonable question. It's like saying to me,

do you know what a kitten heel is? Yeah, and you do. I was impressed. I'd be insulted as well if you asked me that. Can I say that Michelle Obama's unsuitable shoes were kitten heels in case anyone was wondering? So yes. So Paul Lynch, his superstition was he used to walk

down the tunnel and he wouldn't put his shirt on. He'd always be the last one. He wouldn't put his shirt on until he left the tunnel, which imagine fine on a sports pitch for a nightmare on the motorway. You know what I mean? Exactly. Isn't that because he had a brilliant... I always think about this about footballers.

I'd have my shirt off every two minutes if I'd got a good bar. If you had a body like that. I'd be a nightmare. I would. If I'd got a good bar. There was a period, a short period in my life, I had quite tight stomach muscles. Really?

I did the sit-ups and everything. I know it's shocking, Steve, but I did. They looked quite defined and good. And there was about nine pictures of me in the papers at premieres and that lived in my shirt up. Really? Yeah, I just couldn't keep them in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, I've always thought that if i was a a hard man i would beat i would beat three or four people up a day if i could what fantasy is that the only thing that stops me from beating people up is my inability to beat people up if i could do it i don't think i'd be able to resist it you know you hear about these horrible thugs, you think, well, I've gone, it's a temptation. But would you use that power for good? Would you beat up villains, or? I like to think I'd, you know, I'd beat up people, you know, people who I saw shouting, oh, they're pensioners

and stuff like that, but if it was a quiet day, I'd have to beat up some nice people. Just to fill your quota. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, I want a quota system. Once you've got a taste for it. You can't be limited by circumstance. Do you never feel that? You're quite a big fan.

You want to beat someone up? No. I feel that when I condemn violent people, I always think, I'm a scrawny bloke. If I was a big, strong, muscular bloke, I would not be tempted. If you feel like you want to beat people up, don't play George Formby before you go out.

Why? You're too fired up, mate't play George Formby before you go out. Why? You're too fired up, mate. You're right. I blame George. It worked in World War II. It's basically inappropriate in peacetime. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I've had a major blow this week. What's happened? Well, as you know, a close personal friend of mine, the ABFC. No, that's the Archbishop of Canterbury, Steve. Oh, right, OK. Just FYI. Who lives... He's my neighbour, basically. Oh, is he?

Yeah. It's like a sort of ITV sitcom in the 70s. It is, yeah. What would it be called? The Bishop Next Door or something like that. And actually, what would it be called? What about that for a texting? I love that you paused because you were trying... Exactly.

No, a sitcom about... Yes. Yeah, about me living... A comedian lives next door to the Archbishop of Canterbury. What would the sitcom be called? Love Thy Neighbour? Yeah, that's good. I think that's gone, though.

Good start. Absolutely. I think that's been taken already. Yes. Taken and defaced. But anyway, yes, so I met him. What I did, Steve, is on this show I announced that if I could have two celebrity friends, a male and a female, of my own choice.

I'd go for the Archbishop of Canterbury and Tracey Emin. Really? Yeah. Extraordinary. That was my choice. And I met Tracey Emin, and I said I thought I'd come over and say hello. I was a bit nervous about saying hello, and she said, oh, but you decided to risk it for a biscuit,

and I thought, you're not going to be my friend. But the Archbishop I met, and he was a very nice chap. So I thought, you know, I'm sort of in now. I'm in with the Archbishop of Canterbury. And for a Catholic, that's quite an achievement. They're actually friends. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. It's a bit Cagney and Lacey. There is.

There's an element. I mean, I'm a sort of a half-friend. I suppose when I heard he was going to step down and quit being the Archbishop of Canterbury, I felt like Uri Geller felt when Michael Jackson died. I thought that was my little contact. My little bit of contact

with the higher echelons. And it's gone now. But he's leaving to concentrate on other projects like when people leave EastEnders. I think he's got interviews in LA. For a Bishop Rick out there. No, I don't know what he's...

He's going to be an academic. So he'll be moving out. They're going to be the removal vans, but... That'll be terrible when the Pickfords turn up. What if I start seeing some massive ornate gold candlesticks going into the delivery van? I mean, do I speak up or do I just say nothing? Frank, 021

how about Bless This Gag for your sitcom? That's from Claire. Bless This Gag. No. No. But thanks Claire. Thanks for joining in. We'll find one. Well, we will. If we get a really good one, I'm going to write the sitcom. Based on the theory on this show that titles come before shows.

What about Cardinal Sin? You know, there is a Cardinal Sin. That sounds a bit sleazy, though, Steve. There is actually an African Roman Catholic cardinal called Cardinal Sin. No way. That's absolutely true. I say there is. He might have passed away.

But, yeah, Cardinal Sin. I don't think it's spelled S-i-n though i think it's short for cynthia so frank who's going to replace him is the big question everyone's asking on commercial radio this morning yeah who is going to replace so who are the front runners well over to our religious correspondent well um i tell you who the news have... Do you know that sort of attractive female vicar with the big face? Yes. She's been on all over. It looks like Betty Boop as a sort of a religious conversion.

Oh, is she doing PR, do you think? She's doing... She's been asked. She's doing all the news shows as the glamorous vicar. And is she a possible frontrunner? No, no, she's... Bishop of York all the news shows as the you know the glamorous um vika and is she a possible front runner no no she's a bishop of york all the way all the male interviewers have asked her that in a slightly flirty way at the end of it and she she flutters her eyelashes and goes which i don't think is appropriate for a for a clergy clergy woman clergy it's bishop of york v that that's the

subo isn't it versus bishop of Bishop of London is the diversity, really. Yeah, Bishop of York is the favourite. John Sentamu. A mate said to me last night, one man Sentamu, I thought. What am I talking about? He's the one with a... Have you seen him?

Yes, I have, yeah. He has got the biggest gap between his front two teeth I have ever seen. Now, I've seen women. You know, women often have that, sexy women, and men occasionally. But he has got the biggest... Oh, the sort of wife of bath thing, yes. No, but it is...

You could get another tooth in there. Honestly, it's like a badly drawn curtain, his mouth. And I think that you don't want someone, Archbishop of Canterbury, supposed to unify a troubled church whose mouth symbolises division. So for me, that writes him off. Also, he writes a column for the Sun on Sunday. Forget about it! This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

We've had a... Had a deluge. A deluge of texts. A sitcom that would be about you living next door to the Archbishop of Canterbury. Yes, what would that sitcom be called, was the question. 031. Frank, how about Mass Hysteria for the name of your show steven

excellent yeah i don't think they call it master they the cv oh good point but 937 says what about steptoe and sermon sermon yeah i was trying to make it sound like son but it didn't work yeah yes well done. Steve killed it. I apologise. I apologise. It wasn't your fault. It was my fault. No, I was talking to the listener. Oh.

It was your fault. It was. I agree with that. Any more? Yeah, Dan and Dudley, Saint and Skinner. Saint and Skinner, that's excellent. That's good, isn't it? What about 372, Never Mind the Cassucks?

Huh? Also very good. Brilliant. See, this is where our readers soar like mighty comedy eagles. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank, amidst all the Archbishop of Canterbury texts we've had in, we've also had one in from, well, it seems to be from Tracey Emin. What? I obviously won't read out her number. Tracey Emin doesn't listen to this show, surely. Well, I hope so, because I'm actually a fan. I'm saying that now, I think she's listening. Frank, when was this?

When was I supposed to have said risk it for a biscuit? It's something I might say, but not too seriously. Tracy. It could actually be Tracy Emick. I think it is. I think it is as well. I'm mortificado for you. It was in the Ivy Club.

Not the Ivy Restaurant, but the Ivy Club. And I went over to tell her that I'd saw a piece of art of hers in New York, and it was her crying in a shower. And I went to tell her it was brilliant. And I said I was a bit nervous about coming over, you know, because you're Tracey Emin. You know, a similar thing happened to me with Richard Osman a couple of weeks ago. I remember it well.

And she said, and you risked it for a biscuit. And then I completely lost my nerve and went away. But that's brilliant. If it is Tracey Emin, it's brilliant. And if it's a ho risked it for a biscuit. And then I completely lost my nerve and went away. But that's brilliant. If it is Tracy, I mean, it's brilliant. And if it's a hoax, that's also clever. Yeah, I respect that hoaxer. Yeah, because a lot of hoaxers would have put a bit of a joke in. That's an early start for a YBA, though, isn't it?

A YBA? Young British artist. Come on, get with it. I imagine she's still up from last night. We've also had some texts in, haven't we, Steve? We certainly have. Your sitcom. With a sitcom. We've had one in from 990.

Frank, idea for the sitcom title, Might I Borrow Some Sugar? Might I? Might I? That's cute. Excellent. Frank, 937's on fire. Last of the communion wine. Do they do that?

Do they do that, the church? Yeah, I think so. Do they? Okay. People will let you off. It's a format. No, it's a format, but I want it to be a theologically sound. We had another one from 937, didn't we, Steve?

It was, are you being purged? I really like that, but I don't know if it quite works, does it? If I had our Keith living with me, it could be Bro and Williams. That's what it could be, quite nice. Okay, I'm still slightly thrown by the fact that Tracey Emin might listen to this.

If it's a hoax, though, do tell us because I'd congratulate the hoaxy. Would it be the hoaxy? No, I'd be the hoaxy, wouldn't it? Yeah. The hoaxer. Yeah. Hoaxer.

Here's something for you, a bit of African music. Oh, Kimbalo, Kimbalo. Oh, Kimbalo, Kimbalo, Kimbalo. Oh, Kimbalo, Kimbalo. Oh, Kimbalo, Kimbalo, Kimbalo. Oh, Kimbalo, Kimbalo. No, I once did that. I was doing a show in my early days and I got a group of African people dressed in all the traditional tribal outfits.

I'm getting nervous for him. And they came on stage. They came on stage and they sang... And very slowly, an enormous picture of Ken Balor was lowered from the top of the stage. And I always thought of it as one of my greatest jokes ever. It worked fabulously on the night. And then very, very recently, this was probably 20 years ago, the show. Very recently, I actually watched it for the first time as it went out.

And they'd cut it. So it sort of went, oh, Kembalo! And a picture of Kembalo come down and they completely murdered it. My joke was on the ground in a pool of blood, urine, vomit, aqueous and vitreous

humour. And I was very upset about it. But I thought about it this week when I saw in the paper that Ken Barlow, we have to watch how we phrase this on breakfast television, he's had relationships, he claims, with... Frank, it's not breakfast television. I'm sorry to tell you.

No, I know. Did I say television? Oh, God, I had a flashback to the 90s when I was big. Breakfast radio, I'm terribly sorry, everyone. I'm going to fill a full note in this make-up. And Ken Barlow... I know how I feel. Ken Barlow says that he's had relationships with 1,000 women.

Yeah. What? Over 1,000. Did he say over? Yes. The one I read, he said 1,000 women. Exactly. What? Over 1,000. Did he say over? Yes. That's the one I read. He said 1,000 women. Exactly. Exactly.

It's like those people. You know those people when they put petrol in there? Those little clicks so they get it exactly on the pound. So he carried on, I mean, towards the end when he'd lost all interest in the physical acts, just to get it up to that round figure. But maybe not. I think one was Elsie Tanner. Can we make one thing clear here?

What? He says one was Elsie Tanner. Was one a Enoch Harper horse? Elsie Tanner was Can we make one thing clear here? What he says one was Elsie Tanner. Was one a Ina Sharpe? Elsie Tanner was a character, Pat Phoenix, who was in Coronation Street, no longer with us. And I thought, well, that's a bit of a coincidence, isn't it, Ken? Yes. I mean, I could say, oh, yeah, I've had relations with a thousand women.

Karl Marx. Yeah, Karl Marx, Gretchen Franklin. Oh, really? That was her idea of pillow talk. But, you know, when I read celebrities who've done these things with thousands of women, you always think, oh, well, you know, that celebrity, you know, that's how it is,

you know, the opportunities are there. With him, I thought, no, you didn't. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Absolutely, no way in the world did that happen. Do you think he's lying, Frank? I think four tops. I don't mean four tops as in, I'll be there. I think, no, I just, it didn't happen.

You don't believe his figures? Well, one of them was that redhead from Rosamund Street. Now, to me, that's going into fiction, isn't it? Rosamund Street was that place where they refer to on Coronation. So they always say, oh, yeah, it's that woman from Rosamund Street. And you never see it. Oh, that was like Melbourne. Oh, no, it was Brisbane or something in Neighbours.

I love that you never see it, though. It's the cheapest set in the history of television, Rosamund Street. It just exists in the mind. Television, Rosamund Street. It just exists in the mind. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Frank, we've had more texts in. Read the title of your sitcom with the Archbishop of Canterbury.

856, how about One Man and His God? That's Nigel in Shingford. How about 735, listen to this, Living Next Door to Chalice? That's very good indeed. Yeah, Alan in Bristol. And Simon in Wokingham, very simple. Bit of Smokey, bit of Roy Chobby Brown, all mixed in together.

Frank God. I like the simplicity. I think that's the cast list. Excellent. Oh, I wish we'd have done this earlier now, because I didn't get any texts earlier. I was thinking, oh, maybe this is it. We're on the slide.

That's turned out all right. Can I say that I'm doing a thingy tonight? Let's Dance for Comic Relief. Oh, are you? Yeah. thingy tonight. Let's dance for comic relief. My plan is to be funny-ish rather than funny. So we'll see if I achieve that tonight. And on Friday I'm doing

my swim for sport relief. What are you doing? I have to swim a length. One length? I know, that's what everyone says. I can't swim and length. One length? One length. I can't. Yeah, I know. That's what everyone says. I can't swim and I'm frightened of water, basically.

Oh, yeah. Then a length would be a... I still haven't done it, so it's slightly terrifying. It's going to be very, very touch and go. But funny to watch. Funny if I... If you like watching a 55-year-old man in a panic fit, it'll be hilarious. Oh, yeah.

And I've had a few of those, I tell you. Oh, dear. It's been terrifying. But I'm going to have a go on Friday. And so... I might cheer you on, Frank, with a little union jack flag. Yeah, if you want to sponsor me.

Money doesn't go to me. It goes to poor people. Let's face it, they need a bit of help. So there's that. What else? Well, I'll tell you what help. So there's that. What else? Well, I'll tell you what else. We've had an email in, Frank. Oh, yes?

You've got a looky-likey, but don't get too excited. It's, this is, he says, I spotted Frank's successful bald twin brother on a magazine cover this week. Okay. It was Director Magazine, which is a trade publication. Oh, I didn't see it you look like the CEO of Saatchi and Saatchi

so there you go Saatchi and Saatchi was that cat and mouse double act on the Simpsons yeah now I did have a look at this actually and I looked him up and I was interested because he does look like a bald me but how can he be looking like if he's a bald you well it's like meaning me bald me. But how can he be a lookalike if he's a bald you?

Well, it's like Mini-Me. That's like saying how can he be a lookalike if he's short. No, but they're both bald, Mini-Me and the character. Yeah, but they're not both the same height. You're allowed one shortfall in the lookalike. But one of the aspects of you is your hair. And then you justify that shortfall with the first word. So then you say, he looks like a Chinese Brian Clough.

Or he looks like a bald Frank Skinner. Yeah, okay. That's how it works. I'm glad we've workshopped that. The interesting thing was he was wearing a suit with a T-shirt on the picture. And this is something I've been toying with for a while. Could I get away with wearing a suit jacket and a t-shirt without looking like

I'm in Squeeze no no Squeeze and that's my I'm going to try it one of these days because I've got loads of suits

every time you do a TV show you get a free suit I don't know if you know that home so I've got loads of suits loads of t-shirts as a bit party organiser

I don't want you doing that I'm going to try it I might go absolutely standing with status quo. You know the blokes that play for status quo that aren't in status quo, that wear really white trainers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And jeans and a white T-shirt and a suit jacket. I think I could get away with that.

Anyway, look, Not The Weekend, I'm doing one of those, one of my own terms and conditions apply. Not The Weekend podcast is available to download from Wednesday. That's us talking. That's a fair summary. Next is Mark Crossley. And, you know, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back this time next week.

And also if I don't drown on Friday. Bye. Oh, I messed up the last word. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.