The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Viva Forever

Episode Date: June 1, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is joined this week by Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Frank talks about his recent trip to the theatre, plus the team discuss gay weddings and their specialist subjects.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This morning I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Good morning. Hall in the house? Yeah. That's complicated, isn't it? Do you think so? Well, it's two buildings. Okay. Hall in the house. That's like the TARDIS. Yeah. things. Okay. All in the house. That's like the TARDIS. Yeah. You can text us on 81215. We'd love to hear from you

on almost any topic that isn't rude. No, any topic that isn't rude. Some topics that are rude but are handled in a clean way. You can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show by going to our website www you you know i love it when you

don't know how to send it i tell you does someone type in w w w no they don't they go i'll rock up absolute oh look absolute radio that's probably the website that's what they do sometimes i just did the google feeling lucky switch oh I never do that feeling lucky well you know my views on gambling I won't I can't override it

I won eight grand doing that it just came out the bottom of the I thought I might be a lucky I don't know the names of the various parts

I thought I'm feeling lucky you just typed in the name of a man and he might be available yeah they should have an I'm feeling lucky on computer dating. And it just

tells you the time and you just turn up. Yeah, I'll be up for that. And then it's Charles Bronson, Britain's most violent prisoner. Frank, we've already had a communique from the outside world. This is from Prisoner 624. Okay. No judgement at this

stage. No. Tidings all. I like tidings all. Yeah. No judgement at this stage. No. Tidings All. I like Tidings All. Yeah, I don't get many tidings openings. Long-time reader, first-time writer. My sister went to see the Spice Girls musical Viva Forever on Tuesday night. Oh, yeah? After the show, she spotted other audience members posing for pictures with someone.

My eager sister and her friend spotted the friendly celeb and identified him as Graham Norton. Well, he would be there. Graham? She has the Graham in little speech marks. Just FYI. Posed for a picture and had a chat with them before they went on their way. Tweeting and texting and telling other train passengers

who they'd met. Well, it is exciting. Halfway back, my sister asked her friend, isn't Graham Norton Irish? That man we met was Scottish. They eventually worked out that it was, in fact, Frank they had met. They then began telling other people... Interesting trial of logic.

They then began telling other people on the train they'd met Frank Skinner, showing them pictures to prove it. Yes. I bet that sort of brought the party down a bit, didn't it? I thought it was Graham Norton. No. And then it turns out to be me. Yes. I bet that sort of brought the party down a bit, didn't it? I thought it was Graham Norton. No. And then it turns out to be me. Yes, well, see, I have said many times that I am mistaken for Graham Norton

and people think I'm joshing her. Well, I was quoted in the Sun newspaper when your son was born saying that your mother-in-law said... He looks like Graham Norton. Yeah. Are you often mistaken for a Scotsman? I don't think I've ever been mistaken for a Scotsman before in my life,

except when I went to a party as a blackberry... And didn't bring any wine. And somebody thought I was Sir Alex Ferguson. Anyway, I did go to Viva Forever. Did you? Did you see? You know, Viva Forever is the Spice Girls musical, which is closing, I think, to Viva Forever. Did you? Did you see? You know, Viva Forever is the Spice Girls musical,

which is closing, I think, end of this month. I was going to say, was the Spice Girls musical? Well, catch it while you can. Still a month to go. The Piccadilly Theatre. Ticket's still available. £20, I think, now for tickets. So they could be listening to this on the podcast.

Yeah. And it'll be a piece of archaeology. Viva Forever is a harrowing 21st century indictment of man's arrogance before fate. Exactly. Don't ever use the word forever. I think I saw a woman in Bournemouth who had Forever Beautiful on her T-shirt and I so wanted to sit her down and say, look, I used to be beautiful.

I know she wouldn't believe that. I love how you go and see these hot new shows, Frank. You're still on trend. Look, I'll tell you something. I came away thinking, why is this closing? I really enjoyed it. It was a great night out. Yeah, but that's because it's on its last legs.

They get a second wind, these people. Well, we all are, dear. When I arrived as well, I went with a dear friend of mine. Also a dear friend. It sounds a bit strange. Why? I don't know. Sounds a bit glasses on a lanyard.

No. Okay. No, she's someone I've worked with for many years. It's called Robin. She's a friend of mine. Oh, I'm familiar with her work. I'm saying it's a she in case you think we went in uniform. Anyway, so I got in. And I was just there. She'd got the ticket. Oh, I'm Well, that's nice, isn't it?

Because I'm not here as a VIP, but he's just spotted me and thought, you know... We could do with Graham Norton in the green room. Yeah, exactly. Maybe he did think that, but he's thought, this bloke shouldn't be out here with, you know, with these people. With the Spice Girls. So, we

started, he said to me, you know, would you like to come and you can have a glass of wine? That was awkward. So as we started to go down the thing, I suddenly had a terrible feeling of anxiety. Like my chest started to tighten. And I said, we're not paying for this, are we? I did it in a jokey way, actually.

I think I said, what's this going to cost us? A grand. He said, no, no, it's £10 for the standard glass of Pinot Grigio and you can use the toilet facilities. Or there's the £15 for works where you get knots and other services. Is this a man that thought you were Scottish? So what it was is you can pay to go in the VIP area. So he just thought, because I had a tie on, I'll ask this bloke. That's fantastic.

So I hadn't been recognised at all. I'd been treated as some sort of person who not only wasn't famous, but who couldn't cope with people anyway. I would think it would be good to have my own glass of Pinot Grigio. If I remember rightly, it was a poppet from the 60s. So that was a bad start to the evening,

but it did get better. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, so the show, it rocked. It rocked the Spice Girls musical. We were rocking. There may still be time to save this musical. The revival begins today. I wonder, wouldn't it be brilliant? Didn't some other to save this musical. The revival begins today.

I wonder, wouldn't it be brilliant? Didn't some other DJ save a mute? Didn't somebody save Blood Brothers? Terry Wogan or something? Did they? Text us on 812. 15, if you know. I'll tell you what was amazing.

It was mainly women in the audience, young women. And when it went dark, almost everyone was blonde in the audience, young women. And when it went dark, almost everyone was blonde in the audience. And when the lights went off, it didn't go properly dark. You know, like when it snows, and at night it's still quite light. I like it. Like some futuristic John Wyndham novel. Yeah, so the blonde hair sort of kept it nice. Fantastic. Yeah, they didn't have to put the exit lights on.

You could just see the way through them. I bet there was a lot of Katy Perry perfume knocking around that auditorium. Has she got her own fragrance? Oh, yeah. I had no idea. What's that called? Katy Perry.

Ambition. Yeah. Smells a bit like doughnuts. Shouldn't it be called Brand X? So what is it? Does it chart the lifestyle of the Spice Girls? No, I wish it did do that The first scene features them getting off with David Baddiel

And then it moves on And I don't know if that's generally known He said it on telly Like I said It doesn't have that in I'm sure you'd have been phoned If David Baddiel was going to be portrayed in that. Yeah, we think he could be a David Baddiel stunt double, Steve Hall, I think, don't you?

I'm still reeling for the revelation, thank you. Oh, OK. I'll tell you after. OK. So, no, it's based on a group, a girl group, who do a reality TV show along the lines of X Factor. Called, is it Star Maker? Sarah, you went this week as well. What did you think of it? It's a bit suspicious. You hated it?

Okay, this is Sarah's last day today. No, it is. I haven't just made my mind up because she disagreed with me. Sorry, except for the VIP treatment, which turns out to be just two tickets to the Book of Mormon. Well, anyway, so... Well, I loved it.

You know, some people are a bit... Someone on Twitter got very excited because they'd seen you there and then they'd also seen outside one man, two governors about half an hour later. They saw Roy Keane. That's a great double. I'll tell you what There was signs

That it was That it was Disappearing as a show What do you mean? Well there's an exciting bit At the end Where one of the girl band Suddenly appear

In one of the boxes And the people Oh lovely It's like the people in there Didn't know she was going to appear And they all look really surprised That she's dancing around Amongst them

And then the spotlight Comes on the girl In the opposite box And there's Just her in there. Oh. And that was a bit... That's a bit heartbreaking. It was like a showbiz in two flicks of a light switch.

Was it just her and two GMTV presenters? Oh. It wasn't even that. And it was... I tell you what, lots of people spoke during it. What do you mean? I mean, in the audience. Oh, I can't abide that.

Well, normally I can't, but because I felt like I was on a hen night. So it seemed all right to talk. And also I think for people, for a lot of, how can I put it, the people. Do you mean people that watch ITV more than BBC? Yes, I think for them, thinking aloud... People that say H. For thinking aloud, you can just read thinking. I think internal thinking has gone completely out of fashion.

I think all their thinking is done aloud. Everything. There is nothing internal and quiet at all. So if they don't speak, then their brains will catch fire. So I made allowances for that. But honestly, I had a brilliant night. I'd start the campaign now to save Viva Forever.

What about that? Lucky you're going, Sarah. Yeah, it is. Yeah, Sarah and I didn't like it. Nah, nah, nah, nah, I didn't like it. No, no, no, no, no. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Also, it's really interesting to hear the Spice Girls songs done by proper singers. It's quite remarkable. Anyway. Boys. We've had an off-camp chit-chat for one day. What's the next topic? You say that, but there is something we need to discuss. Now, this is a subject quite close to my heart.

I consider myself something of a gay icon. Is it your aorta? Why, aorta. Oh, lovely. I'm a gay icon. I think we can safely say that, Frank. Are you a gay icon? Yeah. Well, so am I, when I'm Graham Norton.

Yes, you are. When I walk down London's old Compton Street, it takes me a good 20 minutes. Let's put it that way. There's a lot of flesh pressing sometimes that goes on. It used to take me three hours to walk down there, but then I got an ordinary job and I established myself

in London. And this week was the first gay wedding, Frank. In France. Did you read about this? Yeah, I don't like being pipped at the post by the French. Oh, God. That makes us look like we're a bit, you know. I love it.

They're all liberal and that we're all like stuffed shirts and they're all ho-ho. But yes, first gay wedding in France. Vincent and Bruno. Lovely names. Very Van Gogh on his Labrador. I think I'll find his Vincent. Oh, is it? Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, nice. I still can't understand who pays. For the wedding? Yeah, you know, it used to be the bride's dad, didn't it, traditionally? Not in my house. What? Yeah, well...

Just a shout-out for any... According to some French people, society pays. No, but, you know, that was the tradition. And if it's a gay wedding, that must be... The parents must get a bit quibbly about who pays. I hope there's no parents saying, trying to find out who's the lady. Well, my parents wouldn't be saying that.

My mother said it was my greatest disappointment in life, never to have a gay son. Is that right? Yeah, she said that to me. But you're the next best thing. Well, thank you very much. You should use that as your bill matter when you go live. Emily Dean, the next best thing to a gay son.

But I think, you see, the gays do throw a better party. That is true, but that's because they're not married. That's the truth. Of all the things they could have taken from heterosexual society, maybe something more successful than marriage. Well, it's nice that finally there is some sort of equality and they have every right to be as miserable and bored as the heteros. I think it's the only way to stop gays from going to the gym

and looking after themselves and dressing well is to marry them yeah they'll find suddenly they'll think you know actually maybe i'll gain a stone and stop shaving that's what happens better lighting concept better clothes you get you don't get sat next to someone's fat husband who works in insurance you get sat next to tom ford no, but... That's why I like a gay party. No, because not everyone in their family is gay, or they wouldn't exist. So you're still going to be... No, I know there's some heterosexuals, I'll tolerate them, that's fine.

I'm not judgmental, but still. I did like that bloke. I know this is, in a way, a terrible subject, but the bloke who shot himself on the altar of Notre Dame through the head as a protest against gay marriage and it's like the campiest thing anyone's ever done to shoot themselves

on the altar of Notre Dame be more mild than that I love the idea where he's like I know what I'm going to do I'm going to go into Notre Dame I hate you I hate you that was the anti-gay marriage guy oh man i was delighted because my my sister-in-law is gay and uh and her oh don't let me work that out yeah your sister-in-law is guy that means the person your

brother is married to no my wife's wife's sister. Oh, okay. She's out, I heard. Yes, yes. You're not doing a David Fadil. If you're listening to this podcast in Australia, hi, Mel, I've ruined your life. No, they're just a social word. And she's married.

But I hadn't realised when I first was getting to know them that they just had a ceremony because it's still not officially approved of in Australia. They had a service for themselves. Surprise, isn't it? They're very forward-thinking, the Aussies, on that. Well, exactly. So it's nice it's slowly spreading across the world.

Well, I think... You can have a proper bash. For me, once you've got the civil partnership thing... For me, once you've got the civil partnership thing... See, my problem is people who don't believe in God get married in church, be they gay, heterosexual, or from the planet Neon. So gay people who want to get married in church? If they're religious, brilliant.

If not, no. Well, that's that sorted. The world's a better place. Mind your own business. Go and find a non-church thing. Quite nice buildings. We sometimes like to use them. Get over it.

Well, you know, if you're going to walk the walk, or talk the talk, or whatever it is they do. So I don't know why people want to get married in church if they don't believe in God. That's this week's texting. It's about time commercial radio had text-ins like that, I think. No, but it's true, isn't it? Well, it's a bit complicated, because me and them, we got married in Vegas.

Oh, get out. And so we had to find a minister. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What was we talking about? Gay marriage? Well, we were, yeah. And then it went a bit, you know, went a bit really into the speech. Well, that was because I was saying when I got married in Vegas, because you get your licence, you don't really have much of a choice about the, you know,

it has to be a minister. Isn't it someone dressed as elvis well that's what we'd wanted that right uh and within our price range in vegas we couldn't afford anyone who looked like elvis i look i look more like elvis than any of the elvis impersonators we could afford so we got married on the top of the strategy you get then shaken stevens yeah we got well we were on the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Wow. And so you do the formal bit on the top floor but there was a minister presiding.

I'm just trying to think now what does he mean by the formal bit. Well that's what I'm worried about Frank. So there were vows involved with him talking about it being a blessing from God and so on. And then we went up onto the roof and a reverse bungee machine launched us 500 feet into the air. Are you serious?

And he says, I pronounce you man and wife. Really? And that was our first act as man and wife. What about her hairdo? Awful. Awful. But it had been this beautiful thing and he'd given quite a stirring kind of spiritual talk. And then the photographer A woman caught the bouquet in Los Angeles.

He'd done this quite, we'd done the photos in the chapel bit and after he'd given these really spiritual talk about how it's a blessing and so on the photographer, as I kissed my new wife for the first time, went, go on, slip her the tongue Oh It was full Vegas and excelsis

Oh no Awful It was full Vegas and Excelsis. No, that's... Oh, no. Oh, God. Awful. Oh. I'll be all right in a minute. And then you got up to all manner of grot. That's a phrase that's stuck with me since I was last on. That's what Steve calls it.

Oh, dear. Am I out of date, then, on the people? I find that hard to believe. On what, darling? On the bride's father paying for the wedding. Has that gone now, that tradition? The bride's father pays for weddings. I think it's a case-by-case basis,

and as I say, not in my house. No, I think it does still occur in traditional families. Well, it certainly didn't happen with my marriage. No. If Ken's listening. You listening, Ken?'t happen with my marriage. No. Well. If Ken's listening. You listening, Ken? Any contribution is gratefully received. Yeah.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I think it's time for a little stroll. Do you? Yes. Okay. Everybody at home. Email call. We've landed.

I haven't been in the corner for a few weeks. It's nice to be back. Yeah, it's snog, isn't it? It is nice. Angular, but snog. The first email is from Davy Simpson, so nobody puts Davy. Somebody does put Davy in the corner. Oh, yeah. Perfect from Davy Simpson, so nobody puts Davy... Somebody does put Davy in the corner. Oh, yeah. Perfect.

Davy Simpson has written in, Mr Radio, he's addressed you by your formal name. I haven't used that for a while, but he's basing it on this. Hello, Mr Radio. Mr Radio, DME, the Divine Miss M and The Cockerel. It's not The Cockerel, it's The Stool Pigeon. Oh, thank you.

Long-time reader, first-time writer, etc. After your discussion two weeks ago about... Can I stop you there, Steve? What is a stool pigeon? I know a stool pigeon in American... Cha-cha-cha. In American gangster terms, it's like someone who's set up for something, isn't it?

But what is a real stool pigeon? I love that text in. I've got no idea of the etymology. If any of our readers knows what the original term stool pigeon means, is it a pigeon who does... Maybe a pigeon who does... Not the Creole and the coconut, but we know what that is. A pigeon who does...

Dwells in WCs. He does Rat pack tributes. Okay, carry on. I'm operating on a need-to-know basis. Okay. Steve? Davey Simpson says, after your discussion two weeks ago about clubs where people were part of,

I thought I couldn't let it pass without mentioning a Frank fan club crossover. I'm a membership secretary for the Friends of Ilkley Lido, which is a club for the preservation of a 1930s Art Deco open-air pool. He says, so far, so what? Very self-deprecating. What's Ilkley? Ilkley is near Leeds, I believe, isn't it? Yeah.

It's Yorkshire, anyway. On Ilkley Lido Bar Towel. On Ilkley Lido Bartow. On Ilkley Moor Bartow, you know that song? No. Where I slumming since I saw thee. On Ilkley... Is that Kanye West? I don't know. Yeah, it's Kanye West, Yorkshire.

You can buy it on the internet sales thing. His master's voice? It's called eBay gum. Anyway, as you were. He says, somewhere in the definition of the Friends Society, our website and defining the history of the pool, the listing of the 1930s designer and architect got mixed up between Frank Sherwin and Frank Skinner.

So, mistakenly, Frank Skinner tends to appear a lot on our press cuttings, heritage boards, etc. Corrections are ongoing, but unbeknownst to him... Well, hold on a minute. I actually did design Elkley Leader. I used to do loads of Art Nouveau stuff. Loads of Art Nouveau stuff? I did the Empire State Building. The essential front piece of that. Loads of hot Louvre stuff I did the Empire State Building essentially

front piece of that and you know the Hoover Building that's one of mine Yes I know it but I don't think you designed it Well it was a team of us I'm not trying to I don't want George and Eric phoning up and saying oh so you designed it on your own

now did you Frank We had enough of that going on at the time. Thanks very much. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about marriage earlier, and Simon Cowell's just popped up on the telly.

There's a newspaper cutting. They call it a ragout in the trade. Is that what they call it? Yeah. And he says, marriage is boring. I prefer being on my own. Just putting that out there. Yeah, it seems there's no need

for him to be on his own now. No. We got a text relative to what we were talking about with the emails. 006 has texted to say, interesting Ilkley fact. Ilkley is the most central point of England. Is it? And he said, stick that in your email corner. I find that remarkable.

You'd think that would be in the Midlands. Yeah. Well, that's weird. He didn't know anything about stall pigeons. No, no. We're still waiting on that. Well, we haven't heard too much in about the stall pigeons. That's because people have never even thought about it before.

Maybe you have to name an effect based on the pigeons after making it. 186 said, I'd like it. It's very posh. Ilkley, that is, not a stool pigeon. OK, carry on. We were still only halfway through Davy Simpson's email about Ilkley Lido. Well, Davy, it's good. It's proved a fruitful field. Absolutely. Because he's delighted to be able to tell you

you've been made an honorary member of the Friends of Ilkley Lido due to this confusion about whether you designed it. Let me guess, I owe ten grand subscription. I'm a member of the Friends of Ilkley Lido. How ironic. All the work I've put in on that place. I like Alanis Morissette. Should you ever be in town, want to push yourself further than the one length,

you're more than welcome to have a dip, is what he said. Slightly passive-aggressive in his encouragement there. Yeah, I want to know what the depth is, I think. And he says, so with Frank the architect, and he's expecting Alan Cochran, the cockerel, to have visited as a child, because it's not far from his native Merfield. And it's free. He's segwaying into a knight's move. I like the idea that even as a child,

the cockerel was very cost-conscious. Well, I looked on their website. The cockerel will travel if it's free. I looked on their website. It's £4.70 to get in, so he's never visiting. He wouldn't have gone to that. Maybe if they had an open day. He'd have walked overnight.

But he extends the invitation to you, Emily, if you ever fancy dusting off a bikini and popping to Ilkley for an open air dip. Oh, I charge by the hour for that, but thanks anyway. Are you going to go bar tat? Oh, I think I might. That's not Yorkshire for Brazilian, by the way. In case anyone's

just gulped on their cornflakes. OK, we've got time for another one, please. Shall we sneak one in? Or shall I just sneak? Well, can we? Well, no, because it's higher Frank Allen and the gorgeous M. Oh, go on, let's do it then. I just wanted to see whether you saw the cape that Grayson Perry wore to the BAFTAs.

Frank, would you think of wearing this sort of cape minus the glitz? He did match it with dolly shoes, which I think would be a touch too far for yourself. Many thanks. Emma from Somerset. P.S. Love the show. I know the praise won't be read. Au contraire. You've read it.

I know. I did see that cape, yeah. It was sort of black with all white spangly. It was like, you know you get pearly kings and queens? Imagine if you got pearly Scottish widows. That was the sort of look he i i kind of liked it i saw a man this week by the way maybe i'll tell you this after the news i'm worried about or maybe or maybe during absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio this is frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text us on 81215. Some of you already have, some of you will. Some of you won't. Or follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. At the moment I'm pushing Ask Jeeves as a search engine, there may be others.

Do you know any obscure search engines, Steve? Sorry, I was reading an email there. I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I'm punching his chest as I say this. Oh, my God. That's an unprofessional slip on my part. Obscure search engines.

Obscure search engines are either the search engine. That's my unprofessional slip on my part. Obscure search engines. Obscure search engines. Either the search engine. That's my favourite search engine. It's ridiculous. It's not taking me seriously. I hate it when people don't take me seriously. I know. It's a lovely little civil partnership row you're both having.

I'm enjoying it. So I saw a man this week, what they used to call a transvestite. We were speaking earlier of Grace and Perry. And he was wearing a sort of... You know these sort of home counties women that wear, like, pearls over and a jumper and a sort of long skirt? He was dressed that.

And I thought, oh, God, if you're going to dress as that, is that going to be your choice? Wear a Gerry Halliwell, Union Jack dress at least. Yeah. And a patent boot. You really want to take full advantage of it and I just think don't pick the worst outfit that

women wear. Pick the wildest. Do you know what I'd do if I was a transvestite? What would you do? I just wanted to say that sentence but no. Do you know what I'd do? Because I am jealous. Men do tend to do well in the leg area. You've got a thin shapely leg. I would have my legs out all the time. Mini skirts, wouldn't you?

If you were... Hold on, if you were a transvestite, you'd be dressed as a man. No, if I was a man and I was dressing as a woman, I'd get my legs out. Look, for me, it would be 60s air stewardess. Nothing else. That's all I'd want to be. So, anyway, that's this morning's texting. If you were a cross dresser what genre

would you choose you know I like those transvestites that go for leather miniskirts and fishnets, you know proper rock and roll transvestites I've got a photo of me in the Rocky Horror Picture Show Get Up for a sketch we did

with Jason Donovan many years ago. Where is, what's the evidence that that sketch ever happened? For a sketch, I did with my wife. I wouldn't mind, it was a radio show. OK. And I've got very skinny legs, so I suit a pair of fishnets. Oh, OK. Delighted.

I find with fishnets, the problem is, is that they're a bit hard on the bottom of the feet. It's like walking on a grid yes and sometimes a toe will um try to escape from the from the net i hate that frank we've solved the stool pigeon conundrum oh good you wanted to know sorry i'm a catholic i can't use conundrums oh i do apologize um you wanted to know where this originated from. Right. The stool pigeon originated and we're not talking about the informer,

the police informant, are we? No, I'm talking about where that phrase came from. The stool pigeon originated from the Second World War, where homing pigeons were used to take messages over enemy lines back to the generals with strategic information. On arrival back at HQ, they strategic information on arrival back at hq

they'd land on a stool the information was then removed from a pouch strapped to the pigeon's leg okay so it's informers i thought it was people who'd been sort of set up for a crime no stool pigeon is an informer i know this from my contacts in the underworld. OK. What, Mike Baldwin's factory? Anyway, what else? That's what I ask the world. Well, Steve's had a bit of a busy old week, haven't you? I have. Well, because while I'm not doing this, I've been flat out.

I write on Russell Howard's Good News. Do you? So we're midway through the series. But it means we get midway through the series. But it means we get one day off a week. Wow. I've heard it's quite hard work on that show. No, I have, though.

People have been there till one o'clock in the morning, writing stuff. Yeah, it's challenging. It's great. It's a brilliant thing to do. Oh, it's all right. Don't use this to keep getting the next series. Carry on, Steve. I'm trying to negotiate a rise. Or a raise. Is it a rise or a raise?

I don't know. Depends which country. I think it's a raise in America and a rise here. Yeah. We're linguistic pioneers this morning. And in the third world it's 3P. Carry on, Steve. Tell us about your... And so I cherish my Wednesdays. We record on a Tuesday night, so I cherish my

Wednesdays. And so I got to,s. We record on a Tuesday night, so I cherish my Wednesdays. And so I got to, this week, got to go to the BFI to see a screening of an old Hammer film, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell. Oh, thanks, Steve. Oh, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell. I'm a Frankenstein fan. Oh, thingies in that. Patrick Troughton.

Yes, he is. He's at the very beginning of it. Is he one of the doctors? The second doctor is in it. Oh, lovely friend. And also, of course, Peter Cushing is in it, who was not an official Doctor Who, but was a sort of a side issue Doctor Who. Well, it was part of his centenary, because

he would have been 100 years old this week, Peter Cushing. Okay, that's a bad lot. Sound to have missed that. OK. And it was fantastic. There was a Q&A, including Peter Cushing's old secretary. Brilliant.

Madeleine Smith, one of the stars of the film. Exactly. Frank has gone roomy-eyed at the mere mention of her name. Oh, I love a 70s sex symbol. Because the standards were low then as well. I mean, she mean she was pretty no but you could get away with murder then she was busty that's that was her thing there used to be an advert when she was thrown a fireman's lift being done by a viking it was an interesting example of chronology gone a wire but um she's sort of hanging over the shoulder of this Viking, and the way she's hanging it means that, well, she's

hanging. And it was really, I mean, even now I think people would think, that's a bit full on. At the time, I mean, it was a sensation. Can you get me up YouTube? Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Steve Hall is holding court I think it's fair to say We're in Madeline Smith corner Yes, precious little room there is So you went She was fascinating We established she was a babe

She did a few of those hammer high roasting because she was a classic Frank, in the 70s those hammer-hard roasting, because she was a classic. Yeah, but you see, Frank, in the 70s, the standards were lower. I'm not saying she wasn't pretty, but if you were an actress then, you just had to turn up to work. You didn't have to have muscle tone or anything.

That's quite true. We didn't like all that in the 70s. No, bad teeth, bruises, you could have anything. She's in Live and Let Die. Is she? She's in the opening. She's the Italian agent that Bond, he undoes her dress with his magnetic watch.

Oh, that's her. And then does he get up to all sorts of grot? All manner of grot. Oh. I hope he didn't touch her grot bags. She's in the Vampire Lovers as well, with Ingrid Pitt. Anyway, I don has been done there.

I don't know if we should spend the whole morning doing Madeline Smith's CV. I sound like a pair of filthy creeps. Would it have been IBM, IMB? IMDB, darling. IMDB, thank you. I'm on it. Sort of IMDB and Mr Skin mixed into one, if you're familiar with that website. I don't own Mr Skin, but I don't anymore.

Because The Vampire Lo loves she'd done before Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, so in this particular film she remains mainly clothed. Oh, OK. I think she did maybe up Pompeii before this as well. But she's delightful. Will you two stop saying what she's done? I think I just said, shall we stop saying?

And then Steve just had to carry on, like he's got some sort of bet with friends. Or maybe he's got a deal with madeline i'll get you back on telly don't worry about that she she was delightful uh to see her in the q a but she she she did a fantastic thing because she her character in frankenstein in the monster of hell she doesn't talk uh she's mute uh and so she's she's talking about not having to act not using any words and while she's relating the tale, she says, Oh, well, no one's ever asked me this question,

so I'm going to ask it of myself. Did I find it difficult to act only using my eyes? And the answer is no, I found it very easy. That was good. I wish she'd asked herself in mind. That's what most of us do. She's fallen victim of us do she's fallen victim of the old thinking

has never been replaced by thinking alone she was off to see Viva Forever straight away afterwards but it's delightful and my dad got quite angry with me the very fact that I'd even seen her in the flesh because he's again of a certain generation

oh god it's a good I like doing interesting different stuff I like doing the different stuff like that. I like doing the job of the celebrity booker who was told, could you get me Peter Cushing's old secretary, please? What did she have to say? Well, she's written the foreword.

He's got a new set of memoirs that's been posthumously published. And there's an actor called Jonathan Rigby, I think, who's written and put it together. So she's written an extensive foreword and recollections of his time in Whitst together. So she's written an extensive forward and recollections of his time in Whitstable. And she was awesome. She'd been his secretary for 35 years. So it was quite moving.

I can hear the clicking of radio dials all over Britain in the distance. But never mind, I think it's good to test them now and again for their endurance. Anyway, that's frayed up. Bit of spice. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a Beyonce-style question.

Laura says, did you hear about Catherine... She tweeted us actually frank that bank on the radio did you hear about katherine jenkins losing her record deal for spending 1.5k on hair and makeup a day apparently that's a bad thing i do think she's trying to hide yeah emily thought she was on some sort of economy drive. I was going to send aid to her. Yes, obviously I don't want to mock someone who's lost work. It's tough.

And, you know, I might be wrong about Katherine Jenkins. She might not be Lucifer's representative, I know. I'm not certain. But they have stopped all the clocks in Hades. Yeah, it's quite... I think it's down ultimately not to her make-up and hair bills. It's because no-one's bought her records, isn't it, I think? It's that old excuse that the record company have used. It's all about the ka-ching, ka-ching.

I don't understand it. I'm puzzled how anyone can spend £1,500 a-ching ka-ching. I don't understand it. I'm puzzled how anyone can spend £1,500 a day on make-up and not be a clown. Well, even a clown. I think I'd want to be Madame Vastra from Doctor Who

if I was going to spend that much. That's what it costs, I'm sorry. How can it possibly cost £1,500? Well, it does. What are you paying for? Is it the person who does it? Can I tell you what you're paying for? A lifetime's experience.

OK. Well, unless, of course, you're dropped by a record company. No, but Lily Savage has had a lifetime's experience. She's a very good maker. You could do that by just going to Alton Towers. That was a lifetime's experience. Whence stems your hatred, Frank? I never said I hate her.

No, he doesn't hate her. I'm trying to defend humanity. Whence stems your conviction that she is Lucifer's representative on Earth? I think it was... Not hatred, just thinking that she's the devil's spawn. Underlining that. Not hatred, just thinking that she's Satan's own spokesman. Well, spokesperson. I mean, let's not... That's Satan's own spokesman. Well, spokesperson.

I mean, let's not... Let's not be in the old 70s. No. Well, first of all, I mean, I have a problem with all crossover acts. You know, they're called crossover acts. I just said crossover. Yeah, because you know, it's like opera.

It's for people who think, oh, I quite like the sound of that opera, but I don't want to listen to opera. So like Il Divo, that sort of... Yeah, I want to listen to opera for idiots. For people that say, hey, it's opera. Look, if somebody said to me, I really want to get into sci-fi, I'd say watch Blade Runner,

not watch The Clangers. And she is The Clangers to opera. Right, yeah. So I'm already in it. And then I just became aware that she was the representative of Lucy Turner. She said something,

she set herself up as the force's sweetheart. And I think she's trying to establish a standing army. She said she's sworn to secrecy about where she's going next. I think she said sorcery. Well, I think she means hell.

Or the job centre. I bet you something terrible happens to the executives of Warner Records now. There'll be mysterious, horrible... There's going to be an omen style. Yeah, that's how I think it's going to go. It's an interesting question. I can't quite remember. Maybe it came to me in a dream or something like that. Well, she's one of those people... I'm just think she's... You know, it's an interesting question. I can't quite remember. Maybe it came to me in a dream or something like that.

Well, she's one of those people... I'm pretty... I'm not certain she's... I'm like 95% certain. Because she's kind of always been there. Like, I don't know where she came from. I know where she came from. She's kind of always been there. But even though she's...

Like, I don't know at what point she was in the public consciousness, but then suddenly she'd always been... Yeah. She's a bit like sort of Everyone Loves Raymond, the TV show. Yes. It just seems to have popped into... Oniki Minaj. Sunny day now, eh?

Sunny day now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think she's liked by people who like a glass of wine with a meal. I think that's her core character. I'll tell you who she's liked by. She's liked by the man who says, what's your poison? Take a pew.

It's my shout. Yeah, right. That's who likes Catherine Jenkins. She's liked by the man who says, what's your poison? Take a pew. It's my shout. That's who likes Catherine Jenkins. She's liked by people who, if you're sitting slightly with your chair turned away, they say, nice to see you back. That's who likes Catherine Jenkins. That is true, because my old flatmate used to be a fan of hers. You're kidding me.

If he was with his girlfriend and there was a sign that said no dogs in a restaurant, he'd go, sorry, love, you're not allowed. And he was a big fan of Jenkins. Well, there you go, you see. We're right there now. Vera Lynn, I saw Vera Lynn interviewed on This Morning, and they asked her about whether there'd ever be another Forces sweetheart, and she said, the trouble is, she said, wars today, they're not long enough.

You don't have time to really establish a... You know, I'm in the Falklands. You couldn't get an EP out. It's better now. Oh, Vera Lynn. We'll meet again. Don't know where. Don't know where.

Imagine if you'd been on a date with Vera Lynn and somebody said, are you going to see her again? Yes. She's a bit vague about the actual arrangements, I must say. We've had some texts in, Frank. That's good. On 8-12-15. Correctamundo.

The man who says that is the kind of man that likes Katherine Jenkins. 549. I work for a TV specialist company. The trick with fishnets, Frank, is to wear tan stockings underneath. It spares you from toe pokage. Love toe pokage. Yeah. And it spares the world from sick, pasty, all right, hairy legs underneath.

Frank's got, Frank's legs are one of his best features. I love Frank's legs's legs yeah but does it stop that walking on greed that's deb from radcliffe yeah if you've got the tan toe underneath darling then it's fine thanks for that i remember that yeah we've also heard from nugget regular contributors to the show who said uh i know you sometimes like to hear where your readers listen to you. I don't know if this is a first for the show, but I've just listened to you while having an MRI on my knee. I had to try hard not to move when chuckling. Oh, that's... Because if you have an MRI on your knee, not actually in the big... You know the big hula hoop they put you into when you have an MRI?

Oh, yeah. Like a giant hula hoop. Yeah. You have your medicals. Yeah, well, I've had... I know, I don't talk about them. Like a giant hula hoop. Yeah. You have that, have you medicals? Yeah, well, I've had a... I don't talk about them. Are you in a mini hoop? No, I think you just go part of the way in. It's just like

paddling. Paddling in dangerous rains rather than going all the way in. But that's it. You have to keep still. They offered me, when I had one done, they offered me a choice of CDs to listen to. Can you believe that? You got VIP MRI. That's a lot of cds to listen to can you believe you got vip mri that's a lot of letters isn't it glass of pinot grigio he had as well frank 672 there's some

ecclesiastical controversy here okay i can't believe it it's from victor meldrew st paul's cathedral has an admission price yes and west And Westminster Cathedral... Sorry, I'm playing for time because the email's disappeared. Westminster Cathedral is beautiful and free. Point to the Catholics. Yeah, I don't know why that is. I suppose St Paul's Cathedral is the big tourist place. Well, that's the clever thing with Catholicism. It's free to get in, but it costs you to leave.

Meaning? The guilt. I can't believe that you were raised catholic and i was i was an altar server at two brute i was an altar server i was a good i say it too hey well i was hungry at two i know can i ask you a question do you know um do you think ant and deck are also servants of lucifer I couldn't remember where you stood on them. No, I think they were full. When they did Red or Black, I think they were full into that. Il Divo were on there,

and I don't know if they're operating as part of the crossover devil's army. But, no, I think Ant and Dec are... I must say, I was watching them on Britain's Got Talent last night. They look, they so look like two blokes who are working in a bank now. They've got like three-piece suits on, a little bit short and dompy.

Can I help you, sir? They're very much They look like they're doing a Halifax advert. No, but you know, they always used to, they used to shop at the Ant and Dec shop where you used to get those like strange black canvas jackets. With too much detail on the neck. Yeah, and like a round neck collar but buttoned. Weird.

No one else wore it except Ant & Dec. And Chris Martin. And now they've followed my thing and gone for the suit and tie. I'm just saying, this isn't really language, it's sound. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you for what. Yeah, go on.

The treadmill desk. Yes. Now, we were talking about the treadmill desk off air, I think, last week, and I've mentioned it to a few people. It's this idea that desk off air, I think, last week. And I've mentioned it to a few people. It's this idea that in America now, I think, it's America, isn't it? Yeah. You can get a desk and it's got your normal, your computer on and all that stuff.

But it's built into a treadmill. So while you're doing your work, you can be keeping fit as well. Yeah. And we were sort of laughing about it. But then I've mentioned it to a few people. Everyone says, that is a brilliant... Are they available? How much do they cost? Everyone thinks it's a brilliant idea. Yeah.

It's starting to win me over. Is it? Well, you know, I'm figuring... I hate it. I hate it. I've got a treadmill. I've got an iPad. I'm sort of there. Yeah, but you just hang your little suits on that, don't you? It very much depends what work you would be doing while you were running. Like, working on Russell Howard's Good News,

it already feels like enough of a treadmill. Will you shut up about Russell Howard's Good News? Well, yeah, but, yeah, I see why that feels like a treadmill. But you would be... It's not keeping you fit, is it, Russell Howard's Good News? No, no, it's keeping me... It's keeping you rich. But not fit.

If only that were true. I can't... I think it's keeping you rich. But not fit. If only that were true. I can't. I think it's awful. Why? Awful. Because you can't work. My exercise, I'm back with Brown, by the way, my trainer. Oh, good.

Yeah. We're doing some very intense workouts at the moment. What's your core activities? Do you box still? Oh, yeah. We do a lot of boxing. I like stretching at the end the best. I love it.

I do. I say, can we do stretching now? He goes, give it time, Emily. Oh, I hate stretching. I don't fancy the boxing as well. No, the boxing's lovely. I've always fancied, mind you, having to go to kangaroo. I don't know if they still do that.

But I've always watched people box kangaroos. And I'm sort of thinking, good, get for the throat! The exposed throat! That's what I've always... I reckon you give a kangaroo a really good one in the Adam's apple. You'd have to start on wallabies and sort of

build up to a full kangaroo. The trouble is with wallabies, aren't wallabies wannabe kangaroos? Wallabies are a bit low you you're you're going to be hunched because they're lower whereas um a kangaroo throat is just about my fist height anyway carry on well i don't i'll tell you what i don't like about help someone just tuned on what is this i won't have a treadmill desk i think it's horrible because I don't like running anyway. And I do say to Brown, I'm not paying you to take me running. That's free.

I can do that. You need to give me things with weights to do. So running's banned. But I don't like that. Do you make phone calls and things? That'd be fine. Some filthy creep huffing and puffing down the road. You can end up with a very sweaty keyboard.

That'd be my worry if you're running. My fingers don't sweat when I'm working. Sweat tends to fly if you're getting a good pace on. Oh, but we're not talking like, you know, we're talking about a relatively steady pace. We're not talking about... I like to work out some music. I don't want Kanye West in the background on a business call.

Who wants that? But it's also, if you've been, if you'd been running for a while and you had a business call and then the first thing they hear, if it's a client you're trying to woo and the first thing they hear is you going... Yeah. It could be quite put off.

I find people get used to it. But you phone people when you're walking in the street, don't you? I hate it when people do that. Sound like Ricky Tomlinson down the phone. I don't like that. Well, what I do, I just don't like doing exercise on its own. I like doing exercise, you know, if you're running to work, that's the ideal. What they should do, I wonder if anyone's ever thought of this, you know exercise bikes?

Yeah. What if they made an exercise bike that sort of moved so you could cycle on it and it would take you to work. Oh, that's a good idea. Somebody could, I tell you, if anybody comes up with that. You should go in Dragon's Den. Yeah, I think there's money to be made in that. Frank?

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I noticed that Bob sent me a text. Did he? Did he send you a text? Bob is Cyrus Replaceless. This is Cyrus from the last day. But Bob is Rob.

Yeah. But he's now Forever Bob. Well, Bob actually sent me a text. Forever Bob. That's the new musical. That Rob Geldof. He signed it Rob. Oh.

And then he sent me another text after to say the car had arrived. Yeah. And this time it was Bob. And I thought, oh, he's gone. He's remembered that he's Bob. And then I thought, no, it's Bob because I've just named that.

You know when you make the text a contact? So I named it Bob. It's gone back to Bob. That would have been Amy Winehouse's next album. I have to say that was a great story. I'm putting it up there with Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Meanwhile, over on the treadmill desk. Yeah, what about this for a

fitness thing as a way of, if you was to stack hula hoops as high as you could and they're delicate to stack but say if you could stack 20 in a pile and then go on a rowing machine and then every time you come in you take a hula hoop off the top so you're eating hula hoops while you're keeping fit in the method of keeping fit while you do ordinary things you're not not interested i i was i misunderstood i didn't think you meant the snacks i thought someone would be Keep him fit while you do ordinary things. You're not interested. I misunderstood. I didn't think you meant the snacks.

I thought someone would be encumbered with 20 hula hoops that you'd spin around your waist. I thought I mimed. I mimed chewing them, Steve. I mean, I can understand the raiders not getting that, but you're right next to me. I just thought you had a... I mean, come on! I thought you had a loose filling. I've got a loose filling. Actually, I'm getting it done a wee Wednesday.

Oh, lovely. That's why they call me the psychic dentist. I mention that now, so we get a few good luck cards coming in from the readers for that. Yeah, and why is it I need office workers who get to keep fit like this? What do you mean? Well, it's all white collar.

Why don't they have a stair-stepper lathe? Oh, that's true. Yeah. Well, that wasn't a rhetorical question. If there's a minor, let's say, and they feel like they're not getting... Because obviously they're working out their upper body quite a lot. Yeah. But maybe they're not getting the work on the quads.

Yeah. They could do with... They need something. I think this is the way. Fitness, when you just go to a gym, always dull. You want fitness as on the way to something else that takes you somewhere. That's the whole, I would say, the whole belief system behind the treadmill desk. I feel we've covered the treadmill desk in In Sweat and Hula Hoops.

Sweat and Hula Hoops, of course, is the title of my autobiography. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or email us on the Absolute website. We have heard from the outside world. We've had a text from 280 who is requesting advice from Emily.

Oh, okay. He said, Emily, I need your advice. I'm going on holiday in a week and my shoulders and back are so hairy i'm beginning to look like mr tumness should i get it waxed one of my obscure crushes should i get it waxed or risk ridicule on holiday it may look appropriate on an overweight middle aged man in a vest but on a 24 year old i'll take your opinion as gospel. I wish I was like Frank, absolutely spotless. Can we just say absolutely spotless was a review? It's not our new station.

No, it was in fact a first-hand review from the lovely Cathy, our Cath, Frank's Cathy. She said that to me once. She said, the one thing I like about Frank is he's absolutely spotless. I don't get many compliments from Jasper. I like Jasper. She's right. You're a clean soul. Yes. Actually, I don't know about your soul,

but I think your soul's fairly spotless as well. Thank you so much. This guy, I'm going to have to say, should have gone to neck shavers. Do you know what, Tumnus? I'm afraid that's your name now. You're going to be called Tumnus. He is, Frank.

Okay. I think he should just go with it. I think go European. Go wild. Yeah, I mean, in the age when people don't really sunbathe anymore because they're worried about the ultraviolence or whatever, I think that it's a God-given thing, isn't it? It's a protective thing.

What, the hair? Yeah. Also, I don't think you should ridicule people because they're hairy. I think that's rather cruel. I think you should ridicule people. Generally. But, yeah, I don't know about... I mean, hairiness is a thing they can always...

I would advise him to get rid of it. I mean, the Argentine wolf boys, I agree't know about... I mean, hairiness is a thing they can always say. I would advise him to get rid of it. I mean, the Argentine wolf boys, I agree, that's cruel. Because as I get older... Are you quite hairy? Well, as the hair disappears from my head, it is sprouting some kind of awful life consolation prize in other places. So about once a month, I now have to shave my shoulders. There's a classy sentence. Do you do it? Ladies have to shave my shoulders. There's a classy sentence.

Do you do it? Ladies, I shave my shoulders. Do you do it just like standing in the mirror with a razor? I don't go close. Does Mason Rudd come over and do it for you? Use the electric. Use the electric? Over the sink.

It's not... We're not talking DLT levels of hair. It's just a light dusting. It looks a bit like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly as he begins to turn. Just a light dusting. Jeff Goldblum. It looks like a 14-year-old's upper lip.

14-year-old boys, that is. Yeah. Okay. Well, to be fair... So I'd advise him to get rid. Just show us. Just take your shirt off. To be fair to this young lad, I think you should.

Weirdly, I shaved it this morning. Oh, well, then forget it. Oh, my God, this is happening. There we go. Let's get the stripper music going on. Let's do the rest of the show topless. Everywhere, in the mails. I feel stiff with stress.

Steve has taken his top off. This is quality radio. Yeah, that looks good. And I've got surprisingly springy breasts. Yeah, you're in great shape. Can I say you look a bit like... Is there a webcam? You look a little bit like a 70s streaker on a cricket pitch.

Excellent. But yeah, you can sort of see there. That was lovely, Steve. Could you put your shirt back on now don't you like what you see Em no you're calling me Em as being a bit intimate

put the shirt on how far beyond filthy creep does this go I don't know from here you look naked from this side it's the strangest thing

a human being has ever done in this studio and we've had David Essex in here I wouldn't put money on that remember we're not always in this studio we don't know what David Eskison here. I wouldn't put money on that. Remember, we're not always in this studio.

We don't know what goes on. Were you naked in Cooking with Elvis? I was naked in Cooking with Elvis, yeah. You didn't see my gentleman's excuse me. No, no, my uncle did, I think. Oh, did he? What was he, in the wings? Snuck backstage.

Yeah, I had to well I was spotlessly clean certainly for that run you had a tortoise didn't you no that's a mole yes there was a tortoise involved yeah anyway how did we get to this this guy

so yeah go hairy relax yeah I agree with that have we got time for an email? Steve, you had some fashion advice you wanted from me, but I feel so stressed after what's just happened. Very pale, man, Steve. I'm desperately pale. Talk about him like he's not here.

It's the Eskimo blood in my veins. He is pale. When he took his shirt off, he looked like a drawing. I was prismatic. I cast a perfect rainbow on the wall behind me. Did you? I didn't see that. I didn't like it. It was like the beginning of a swingers' party,

and I never enjoy that. I don't think any of us liked it. No wonder his sister-in-law's lesbian. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can we go to email corner quickly?

It feels like a safe place. Email corner. There you go. Dear Frank, Miss Emily and the Cock of the North, I know praise isn't what... It's actually Steve. Flasher Steve. I know praise isn't welcome, so I'll just say that I find that the show adequately meets my entertainment needs. I like him already.

I'd settle for that. I have a dilemma. If only you'd been on the Sony's panel. I have a dilemma, one with which I hope that you three, being the great wits that you are, can help. I'm in the midst of forming a band for the first time in years, but I'm absolutely hopeless at coming up with band names. For context, there will be myself, a scouser,

I assume he is the scouser, and three Aussie blokes playing rock and roll covers for drunken Australians. Suggestions would be most appreciated, Sean. P.S. Obligatory night's move. I live in the rainforest where they shoot I'm a Celeb, and all three of you are, of course, welcome to visit at any time. I've gone off him now to be extended to all of us. The purity of the night's mood has been violated now.

I've also, if I lived in a rainforest, I'd open a little umbrella shop. Steve's breathing quite heavily since he took his top off. Money to be made. So, it's a Scouse and three Australians. Is that the formula? Yeah. What about Crowded Scouse?

Oh! Nice. Daisy and I gasp with admiration. about Crowded Scouse? Oh. Nice. Daisy and I gasp with admiration. O-A-C-D-C. That was my... I've got one. O-A-C-D-C. Oh, yes.

What about Calm Down Under? Excellent. You'll Never Walk About Alone. Oh, I like it. De Didgeridoo do day don't day don't. If only I could have got through that properly. Now tie that again because that's a goodie.

De didgeridoo do day don't day don. You've gone a bit Cornish. My favourite one, suggestion for this is a Ringo took my baby. That's absolutely well, they're fabulous. I'd take one of Steve's. No, seriously, I think they're all great.

Well, I'll tell you what, we've got... One thing our readers are brilliant at is this kind of thing. So if anyone's got an idea for a band, it's got three Australians and a Scouser. And what do they play? Rock and roll covers. They play, yeah, rock and roll covers. Rock and roll Scouser. And what do they play? Rock and roll covers. They play, yeah, rock and roll covers. Rock and roll covers.

Brilliant. That's one I've got on my bed. OK. So send those and text us in on 81215 and then we might be able to find... What's this gentleman called? His name is Sean. We'll find Sean a band name.

That'd be brilliant. Wouldn't you love the idea that you're sitting at home covered in sick and you're texting an idea and then that suddenly becomes an actual reality on the other side of the planet. That

is what modern technology is about. Fantastic. What else? Steve, you had some advice we've had another email shall we stay in the corner? I've always thought that if I was in a band

I'd call it, this is not funny but I just think it's a great name, England's Future Captain that's something brilliant about them people would call you EFC wouldn't they? I saw EFC last night. I always thought there was a Glasgow band called My Latest Novel,

which I really liked. Have you seen My Latest Novel? It's like a nice... It implies they're an author as well as a musician. When I was a young man in a band, I went to see Roxy Music at Birmingham Town Hall. This was when Brian Eno was still on Synth. I don't know if you remember Synth.

It's a cleaner at our school. John Lennon's first wife, Synth. It was, yeah. And I said to Brian Ferry, who was sitting there in sort of plumage, like black rock and roll plumage. You said to Brian Ferry? I said to, well I remember I've just gone backstage. I'm a kid

in Birmingham at the time. I don't know people like Brian Ferry. And I said to him, we are in a band, can you give us a name? And he said the Teen Beats. Oh, that's terrible. And of course I found out years later that there was a band called the Teen Beats. Oh, that's terrible. And of course I found out years later that there was

a band called the Teen Beats. He wasn't really he was just not taking me seriously. Luckily I was into witchcraft at the time and I put the Son Who's Into Haunting curse on him. And he never quite recovered.

What else? So we had an email that said that, from Jack Rind, that's his name. Jack Rind? Jack Rind. Okay.

And he says, I saw Frank sitting in a car driving along a Devonshire road with a pretty lady. Oh my God. Problem was,

problem was, he was on a trailer being filmed. I've often wondered what it was about. Can Frank help? By the way, I was a great fan of trailer being filmed. I've often wondered what it was about. Can Frank help? By the way, I was a great fan of George Formby and could not believe how good Frank was on the ukulele.

He could give George a run for his money. Well, I don't know about that. Yeah. George was a master. George, they written because he'd been a jockey, it had loosened his wrists. So he was particularly flexible. Apparently he could use his hand as a whisk.

Incredible. I went to the convention. I was there. I turned out to be the star of it, but that's particularly flexible. Apparently he could use his hand as a whisk. Incredible. I went to the convention. I was there. I turned out to be the star of it, but that's another story. Yeah, no, I don't remember. Well, it must have been Kath. First of all, I thought, oh, if Kath listened to this, I was in a car with a pretty woman, but on the back of a trailer.

Being filmed. It was Kath. Well, why would we be on the back of a trailer? I don't know. it's your life. Unless maybe George Michael was driving. That's our only hope. I don't, I don't, I don't remember that

at all. It sounds great. I bet it was Graham Norton. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can I talk to you both about my night out? You haven't asked. How was your night out? Thank you for asking. Thank you very much. Well, I've had a few. I had one. There were so many celebrities.

When I told a friend, he said, well, you're a man of two swords. I can't elaborate on that. Okay. However, I can tell you about the quiz night I went to because Frank's a fan of a quiz, Steve. We used to be on a quiz team together, didn't we? We did. Back in the day. We beat on commerce.

Yeah. Piers Morgan, he cried. He was on the other team. We beat him, didn't we? We were on stuff. It was fantastic. Was there a particular location you used to go to? Yeah, the Atlantic Bar

in Piccadilly in London. Yeah. And it was lots of journalists on the other teams. And we were, as I said, comedians and... Don't say this on commercial radio or anywhere at all. Comedians and babes. Yeah, that's what you said.

And we whooped the journos. Excellent. And we won a hot air balloon trip, but our management, well, I didn't have management at that time until Frank exposed me to a wider audience. My manager wouldn't let me go on a hot air balloon trip because I had key man insurance. So this quiz was with our management, Frank.

Oh, was it? To Ron's house. I wasn't invited. No, I know. It was with our management, Frank. Oh, was it? To Ron Stile. I wasn't invited. No, I know. It was with my manager. Okay. It was a TV industry quiz. So I was there representing Frank.

I represented us. Oh, good. I was quite excited. On our team, we had Rasheen Connerty. Oh, yeah? She turned out to be very good at theme tunes. Oh, okay. She knew the littlest hobo off by heart.

We had my manager, and he texted me and he said just just so you know my specialist subjects are sport and geography i thought he was putting himself down a bit made himself sound a bit five lives my very very worst subject i did a show called set list do you know yeah it's a great show you go on stage well this was the televised version you go on stage and topics are flashed up and you have to do um jokes about them i mean obscure stuff yeah and one of them was gaza strip clubs was the thing that came up and i started talking and the audience i think steadily started to realize i didn't know where the cars and i was trying to find a way around it.

And I started sort of saying, so I was in Egypt? It was like that. And I had no idea. He was so nervous he was schvitzing. Oh, it was. My geographies. Frank, we also had Dan Lobb on our team.

Are you familiar with his work? Oh, yes. He was another tennis player. He was a tennis player, and then he was on Day daybreak we use him for quite a few sight gags he's a very good looking show he's good for a site he's like a matinee idol like jeff colby of dynasty fame i couldn't believe it he's too handsome for civilian life so anyway so he is so the thing that troubled me we didn't do very well, I'm afraid, Frank. We were a bit Norwich mid-table. Guess who won? It's TV...

TV industry. Was it the Eggheads? No. They can't have been detained. It was only Richard Osman. Oh, was it? I mean, he's brilliant. He went up together.

He looked very dashing in his suit. Very tall. Very tall. In case you don't know him, he's from BBC's Pointless. Let's see if you could get one of the questions, Frank. One of the questions was, who's older, Richard Osmond or Alexander Armstrong? Which I thought was unfair, given that they were both in the room. I'd have thought Alexander was older.

Yeah, I'd say that. You'd be right, Frank Skinner. He's eight months older. Yeah, I'd say that. You'd be right, Frank Skinner. He's eight months older. But my specialist subject... Who's older, Bruce Forsyth or television? That's a serious question. Seriously.

He's ever-living, Bruce Forsyth. Do you know... Is he 85? Who's older, me or Cleopatra? No, Bruce Forsyth was born two years before television. Shut up. That's the inventor. Or was it the other way around?

No, I tell you, like, two years after television was invented. Well, I've got another who's older. OK. Who's older, Nick Hewer or Alan Sugar? You won't know that because you don't like The Apprentice. I know Nick Hewer. He's the Countdown man. Yeah. I would say Alan Sugar's older. I love that you you don't like The Apprentice. I know Nick Ewer. He's the Countdown man. Yeah.

I would say Alan Sugar's older than him. I love that you know him through his work on Countdown. No. Incorrectamondo, Nick Ewer. Okay. Anyway, I had an exciting one this week. What? I was doing a crossword with my mother-in-law.

And it sounds like a Les Dawson joke. I had a crossword with my mother-in-law. And she said, what's this one horripilation and I knew it and I didn't you know when you don't know you know it and I said I think it's goose pimples and I thought where did that come from and we looked it up and it was goose pimples

that's so brilliant that's your inner brain working man I was so excited about it I actually got goose bumps. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. One thing I realised, Frank, doing this quiz, is I think I know what my specialist subjects are. I mean, depressingly, there was a Sex and the City question.

Everyone looked straight at me. Well, of course, Mylene Clast did Sex and the City's second series. I know. Well, I did think of that. Yeah. And I got it right as well. I see. I wouldn't have a clue on Sex and the City.

And that shows you in a good light. But if you were mastermind, you see. Have you done Celebrity Mastermind, Frank? No. Would you do it? Well, it's one of those I'd do it, but what I don't like, it's like Celebrity Pointless, is that they make the questions easier on the celebrity versions

with the basic idea that celebrities aren't as bright as non-celebrities, whereas everything suggests that they're brighter. Oh, dear. It's quite controversial. It's sort of been devalued, the specialist subjects on the mastermind. There was someone who had, like, Man United since 1992 and was still getting really basic questions wrong. Yeah, you ought to be...

If you're going to do... Like, if I did West Bromwich Albion, I'd do West Bromwich Albion. I wouldn't do West Bromwich Albion 1973, 1974 season. No, exactly. I had quite a misspent youth in quizzes. I got very heavily into the quiz scene as a younger man. Yes, I can see you as the one. Quiz scene.

Well, me and three. You're part of the quiz community. Yeah, it was sort of like the summer of 69. Jimmy quit, Jodie got married. There were four of us. We were doing three quizzes a week. We were wild men. What was your team name?

Well, because it was part of, not even a funny name, because our local was the Cat and Fiddle. So we were the Cat and Fiddle B team. Oh, OK. And the landlord, Don, at the Cat and Fiddle was brilliant. We were doing three quizzes a week, like some terrible admission. Yeah, it got out of hand. And then we got invited to be part of the Quiz League of London,

which is a very full-on, and it's timed, and it's very intense, and you get 15 seconds to answer, and you've got little hand gestures to indicate if you know the answer, and then if you don't answer in the 15 seconds, it goes to your teammates, and there's five seconds to answer. So it stops being fun. Yeah, well, we got intimidated. It's like when I was in a crib, actually.

The bloke who introduced us to the quiz, he kind of pointed about an inch away from my face and went, listen, son, this isn't a pub quiz. This is a quiz that just happens to take place in a pub. Oh. And so we cautiously backed out of that invitation. Yeah, I don't like the sound of that. I tell you what I do find, it annoys me, this anoraks idea.

So knowledge is seen as a badge of shame if you really know about something. Like at the Doctor Who events at the BFI. Don't bring everything back to Doctor Who. No, but when they have the quiz, so they organise a quiz so you can win signed Doctor Who DVDs, and if anyone gets the answer, they always say something like,

well, well done on that, but I'm know, I'm a bit worried about you. And I think, well, hold on, that's knowledge. This person has knowledge of something he loves. That's brilliant. Surely that's brilliant. I'd like to do, my specialist subject would be world capitals, but based on a map from 1982, because that's what I learned. Yeah, it's when once Eastern Europe and Russia started to fragment,

things got a bit more difficult. I used to think Montenegro was in South America. So when there was a football team called Serbia and Montenegro, I thought, this is like they're twinned. It's like we're playing Lithuania-Peru next week. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We were talking about stool pigeons.

Yeah. We thought we'd solved this, Frank. Well, someone sent the answer in there. Well. Home in pigeons landing on a small stool. Au contraire. Because one of our readers has texted in and says, Frank, this intrigued me, so I did a bit of digging.

It would appear that it derives from the act of using a pigeon as a live decoy when hunting. You tie the pigeon to a stool, retire at a safe distance with your gun or weapon of choice. Oh, nice people. And wait for the bigger animal to turn up. This will be our outage ferry. Wait for the bigger animal to turn up for dinner.

Well, that makes more sense of the idea that the stall pigeon is someone who's set up in a gangster movie. Yeah. What a odd thing to tie them to in the country of all the, you know, there's trees and stuff. But no, let's bring a special stool. Yeah. Well, I like that one better, I must say. Okay. It's making a lot of sense.

Okay, we'll go with that. We've had another email requesting advice. Just making that official. Oh, I love that. More advice. That was a solid sounding stamp, that. He was like Judge Pickles when he did that. One of my favourite judges. Yeah, who is Gaza? No, you've got to say this before everything.

Who is this Gaza? We've had an email from Luke, who says, Hello, Mr Radio, the Divine Missy and the Cockerel. I'm a long-term reader of the show and recently met a lovely woman called Louise, who is also an avid listener. We've had a few dates, but unfortunately it seems that friendship rather than romance is going to be the way forward. Oh, so friendship is rubbish. Is that the suggestion?

Whereas friendship is beautiful. Exactly. He says he's ever hopeful that he can woo her in some way, though any tips from Emily would be greatly appreciated. He's keen to emphasise he's not a filthy creep. So he points out that that's something in his favour. The evidence begs to differ. Do filthy creeps know when they're filthy creeps?

So having created this atmosphere of romance that he's looking to further, he then says, while we were discussing the show, he mentioned Frank's use of pig iron and how it made me laugh. It was a phrase that this beautiful Louise was unfamiliar with, and he realised he also hadn't heard it for a while. So he was asking if you could give a rendition of the old catchphrase and say hello to Louise, it would make his week and hopefully hers. So Louise is a late adopter by the sounds of it.

The pig iron's probably 12 months ago since I used to do that, actually. But anyway, hello, Louise. Why don't you just give him a chance? I'm glad you said chance. Well, I'd love our first radio show marriage. Do you remember the first one on Blind Date when Cilla went and wore a hat and all that? Oh, that would be great.

I think once you enter friendship land, it's hard to get the appropriate paperwork out of there. That's the thing. You kind of can be stuck there. Once you've been friend-zoned. Yeah, I think you get friend-zoned. So is he asking where Pig Iron came from? He then goes on to say what is the origin of the phrase Pig phrase pig iron which is always essential to trying to woo a lady yeah if he's

trying to you know the origin of the pig iron reference it's important to get obscure metallic questions well um it comes from a lonnie donnegan song you know lonnie donnegan who did My Old Man's Adoptment and all that with famous reference to gore-blimey trousers. And he used to do loads of American folk songs in the early days and he did a thing called The Rock Island Line. And there's a spoken section in it. It's a man has gone through on a train, through the bit where you have to pay your taxes. And if you've got animals, that's fine.

But if you've got sort of inanimate stuff like pig iron, you have to pay. And he pretends he's got animals. And then as he gets through, he shouts back to the driver. And this is Lonnie. Of course, you don't get what he's saying now. Going home and going down to Rock Island Land. She said, but I fooled you, I fooled you.

I've got pig iron, I've got pig on, I got pig on, I got all pig on. Is that till you're on go, boy? Oh, Lonnie. I'll tell you what I like about that. Well, many things, but I've got a real problem with

British people singing in an American accent, and it's the most... They all do it, more or less. But when there's a spoken section, he does a whole section where he goes, Hey, boy, what you doing? He has to do the whole voice all the way through, and you think, Lonnie, you're Scottish. Let it go. I tell you, I so admire bands that don't use an American accent.

I wish that could be. What about we have a policy on Absolute. We only play English bands and British bands that don't use an American accent. We'll talk about it. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I'm not liking.

You know, I try to keep up with new trends and stuff. I like to know, not that I take part, but I like to know they at least exist. OK. I'm not enjoying the whole side boob phenomenon. Oh, you don't like that? I don't. Because it seems a bit rude to take photos.

You know when they take photos of women getting out of cars and you can see their pants? Well, that's not side boobs. That's something entirely different. That means you give me a brief lesson. It depends how old they are. But if I took a photo of a woman getting out of a car and they went around saying,

look at that, you can see her pants, wouldn't I be taken to prison? I would rightly so. Well, why couldn't you do it if you worked for a newspaper? No, you're pushing at an open door, if you'll pardon the expression. It's interesting. I wonder if cleavage is resentful of side boob. Why?

That cleavage has been slightly sidelined. Do you think cleavage has been left out in the cold suddenly? Well, I'm wondering how long before we move to some of the other quadrants there'll be under boob.'re suggesting bossed based ghettos cleavage we don't really talk to the side yeah you see it's like it's like west side story excuse me i speak with some authority here i think the trouble with the side boob this is my moment um bob's writing notes awkwardly hates that we're talking about the side boob or the side bub as we call him he's got a good view right now

the trouble with the side boob Frank is that I find it looks like a mistake I don't think it ever looks intentional does it well when you get someone who the entire side of their dress is chiffon I think maybe it is intentional I just don't think you know

I think you've got to be a bit polite about it don't look that's my secret Westside boob story that's occurred to me a minute late excellent, thank god you got that in if you'd have thought of that in the canteen you'd have been beating yourself up

can I say before we go it is Sarah's last day she's been with us for how long Sarah? Almost two years. Two years. She's absolutely an integral part of our little family here and we will miss her honestly terribly. She is a blonde haired woman

and it seems she represents the sun. She glows, she always smiles and she's like the mornings, every day is a sunny day. And we love Bob. We love you, Bob, but we love you, Sarah, we'll miss you. He's a pretty poor replacement, obviously.

Not really, Bob, but you know what I mean. Okay, we will miss you, Sarah, and good luck on the professional shows you've moved on to. So, thanks for listening, and if the good Lord spares us, and the cricks don't rise, the rest of us will be back next week, and now get out. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.