The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - What else?

Episode Date: November 3, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Halloween costumes, James May, Star Wars and Gary Barlow's career change.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran, the Cockerel, some call him, and Emily Dean. And we're sitting in a small studio in Golden Square, London, a large conurbation in the south-east of England. You can text us on 81215 or you can follow us

on that which some call to choose choose... ah. We're on Twitter as well at Frank on Absolute. It's all going... I really felt like a professional broadcast there for about 12 seconds. Yeah, you sounded like one. And then you realised that the words were all

in the wrong order. I think it was Twitter that threw you, wasn't it? You're still not embracing the Twitter. Oh, yeah. It's still at this time. It just caused a little misstep. I might get it towards the end, like I did MySpace. You will.

It's like mobile phones or something. It just takes a while. Yeah. VCRs. Can I say, I was well up there with mobile phones. I had one of those big, massive ones. Oh, were you an early adopter? Oh, I'd love to have seen you as one of those, Frank, big 80s number.

So, what I was wondering is that Hurricane Sandy in New York, when that hit, was anyone stranded at the drive-in? Is this a music joke? Fine work. Yes.

I'm bad on music jokes. In Greece, there's a song called Sandy. Yeah, that's right. Standing at a drive-in by this girl Sandy who doesn't turn up. Yeah, I get it now. Of course, there's also that one in Annie where she gets the dog and she says, Sandy, I'm going to call him Sandy. Which I imagine the meteorological office sat around saying.

There's an enormous hurricane heading towards, Sandy, I'm going to call him Sandy. Or her, isn't it? But they're female. Oh, they're always female. Anyway, let's start with a bit of old-fashioned patriotism. You know, before the show, you had to do some trails where you described what the show was going to be like?

Yes. We never thought to say jokes from the musicals, did we? No, never. Who knows what the show's going to be like? Exactly, that's what made it difficult. I think it drops off us like windfall fruit. Did you want to do breaking news? There's breaking news about our Queen of Hearts in many regards. The old David of Beckham. He's not our Queen of Hearts in many regards, the old David of Beckham.

He's not our Queen of Hearts. He's mine, he's mine, oh yeah. What's going on? He's got my Queen of Hearts. Can he say that legally? He's got my heart, that's what I meant. Yes, anyway. He's got my heart? He's lovely, isn't he Beckham?

He's gorgeous. Obviously he's lovely. He is, he's gorgeous. I just didn't think he was your demographic but carry on and as I pointed out before he has the decency to have that

that that slack lower lip thing which stops him from being perfect because you can't love someone who's perfect but you can think

yeah but good old Becks you know he's got all the modelling he's you know he's a good player but and fair play to him he's got the slack lip thing he's one of you know he's one all the modelling, he's a good player and fair play to him, he's got the slack lip thing

he's one of the lads he's one of the lads, he's not perfect he's got that dribbling thing well I think, my estimation of him is somewhat better than the New Zealand Prime Ministers who has been accused of saying that he's as thick as bat droppings, shall we say. Yes. Lovely, can I just say lovely use of droppings.

Yeah, we've tidied that up a bit for the broadcast. Yeah, because he used the rude word. He used a silly, billy word. OK. We all look it. It's quite a strong thing, isn't it, to say about... Yeah. It's...

The thing I like in the article I've seen was that a Beckham source said, for someone supposedly thick, David has done pretty well. Which I think is... That's exactly the response, isn't it? Oh, yeah, I'm thick, am I? Because I seem to be worth £160 million and an amazing footballer. I think you can be thick and rich.

Yes. He says pretty well to have become one of the world's most successful footballers, as if intelligence would naturally go hand in hand with that. The thing is that if you're in comedy, there are certain people who... There are a series of chairs. If you can imagine a series of line of chairs where there's fat person, thick person, old person, sort of randy person.

And then when you do a joke, you take them in, in a formulate gag. Oh, I see. I don't want to ask which chair I'd be in. Well, I don't know if you're in a chair yet. No. Obviously you are in my universe. But I mean, if comedians sat around and there's a fat person joke, Obviously you are in my universe.

But I mean, if comedians sat around as a fat person joke, I think they're probably still, after all this time, going to Vanessa Phelps. And she's been in that chair. Or John Prescott. John Prescott, is he still in there, you know? Adele has never gone anywhere near that chair. That's because she's held with great love. But David Beckham's been in the thick chair for a long time.

But that's our country, so we're allowed to say those things about him. Yeah. But I don't like the Prime Minister of New Zealand. Can we not talk about the Randy chair? Yeah. No. But you know what I mean? Yes, I do know. If you need a joke and you think we need someone who's a bit of a famous womanizer,

it's probably still Peter Stringfellow. Yes, you're right, Frank. I mean... He's done well to hang on to that title. People stay in those chairs for years. And I think Beckham... He probably needs a wipe, doesn't he? Even though he's gone into National Treasure, uh, thing, he, uh, he's still

in the thick chair. Yeah. And that's not to say he's thick, it's just to say he's in the thick chair, so that's who you do the jokes with. Yeah. Yeah. You know, all those jokes like when Kevin Keegan walked, I remember doing that joke, you know, someone into the dressing room, they said,

oh, the coach is leaving. And Beckham said, I better get going. I left the 300-quid leather jacket on it. It was all that kind of, there was a book signing, massive book signing, Oxford Street, David Beckham, the signing lasted two and a half hours, and then he did the second book. All those things.

And it was just, it was fine, but I don't want the Prime Minister in New Zealand, especially because it's called John Key. No. And there's a fall song called No Christmas for John Keys, which is just a way of saying junkies. Oh, God. So, now we've got some drug addict

criticising one of our most famous footballers. Is that all right? That's this week's texting. That's one of those links when I think, is this happening or am I going to wake up in a minute and think, I'd better get to Absolute Radio, I'm going to be late. I'll tell you a good example of the chair, the comedy chair. Yeah.

I was doing one of those guessing games when you have to communicate whoever's name is on the card but you can't say what's on the card and it was Ken Dodd was the name on the card and I said he's a comedian he didn't pay his tax and everyone said Jimmy Carr and that's because Jimmy Carr is now in the comedian who didn't pay his tax

chair and Ken Dodd's had to leave carry on Frank we've had a tweet in this is from Nugget who's one of my regulars he didn't pay his tax chair. Oh, yeah. And Ken Dodds had to leave. Carry on. Frank, we've had a tweet in. This is from Nugget, who's one of my regulars. Oh, yes. He says, I see you got to don a cape when dressed as a vampire at Wossie's Halloween party.

That's directed to you, Frank. Yes, I did. I went to a Halloween party this week. And regular listeners will know that I got through with great delight the audio book of Dracula this last year. And I got very into the idea of wearing a cape. So Halloween comes around, and I thought, this is me. Oh, in a Mike Yarwood fashion. In a Mike Yarwood fashion. So um unfortunately

I can only do one Shelby's impression and uh it's no longer viable. No don't do it please don't. So um I I went as Dracula. Now my first worry was it was a bit um it's a bit route one. It is, yeah. To go to a Halloween party as Dracula. As Dracula, like this. But actually, there weren't many there. There weren't many Draculas. No, I think it was a double bluff. Excellent, yeah. And can I say your cloak slash cape,

it looked quite lush. It was. The fabric looked expensive. I was worried it was going to be umbrella fabric, but it wasn't. No, it was a stylish thing, and it was good to get it on. I had it on for about four minutes before I shot it in a minicab door. It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be, the cape. Right.

When Dracula travels in his, transforms his half into a bat I didn't have that option but then again of course this comes to think, do you remember many a long time ago we spoke about ghosts and I was very concerned about the fact that I can understand dead bodies rising up and moving about

but how does the clothes things work how do the ghosts of their clothes come back that's what i don't understand and this is the same thing when dracula transformed into a bat what happens to the outfit do people say what is what can you see that sort of black blob moving across the oh yeah it's like a it looks like a full suit of clothes hanging on a bat. Like he couldn't find a coat hanger, so he's hung all his clothes on a bat. That's what it must be like.

Some old socks dropping off from the sky. But get this on the Cape front. So I went there and I swished my way through the night. Can I just say, Frank, before you even... I saw a photograph of you. I was so proud of you. In front of the paparazzi, you were holding the cape aloft in the Count Docky style. Yeah, exactly.

No, I went for it. And I didn't do my own makeup. I was doing a TV show that night, so I got the makeup lady to do the makeup. So it was really, I mean, I looked like I had been dead for 500 years. Yeah. I was in the chair for four minutes. I was. It was so quick.

And everyone said, oh, you look amazing. Why do you look like Bela Lugosi? Like, after he'd gone into the morphine thing. And, I mean, I'd hardly looked at the make-up. Anyway, then, on Friday, I should explain, first of all, that at the party also was Gwen Stefani. Yes. Who hadn't made much of an effort.

Oh, she did? She had a... She was Sandy, wasn't she? She had a blood... She had a bullet wound on the side of her head. Oh, that was it. And then she had normal clothes. Oh. That's not good enough.

No, she was dressed as Sandy from Grease. Was she? Yeah. Halloween Sandy. Who got shot in the head? Well, I don't know. I don't know the details. Is Grease going to be a recurring theme through this show today? Especially when we get into economics in the third hour.

No, but Friday, there's a picture of Gwen Stefani in the paper, out on the town. What is she wearing? Black cape. No. Now you're not telling me that she didn't see me at that party and think, hey, that looks great, I'm going to get a

black cape like that guy. That guy? Yeah. I'm assuming she doesn't know your work. I don't think she'd know me. Not Gwen. I've only known one Gwen in my life. She was a cleaner. So I honestly think, you've heard it here first, that I, this week, I influenced in quite a big way...

Heard it here first and last, possibly. ...the fashion tastes of Gwen Stefani. I'm not saying it wasn't mutual. I've been followed by three Japanese girls ever since. I don't know if it's mistaken identity or whatever it is, and I don't like to say anything. But I feel bad about them sleeping on the bedroom floor.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I'm going to carry on talking about the party that you two went to Jonathan Ross' Halloween party, were you there? I didn't get invited to the Jonathan Ross one, did I? No, but I thought there might be one

In fact, your night you did Room 101 and then went to the Jonathan Ross party There's two things I didn't get invited to as we've covered Awkward Did you go to a party? I trick-or-treating with my little boy and that's what i'd put in room 101 is trick-or-treating oh really would you why i'd put all sorts of petty crime in there the intimidation of yeah but frank best thing happened when the

trick-or-treaters turned up at the door which they do oh there's thousands of them at the ross door yes of course. Obviously. And I was asked to give out sweets. I felt like Marie Antoinette. I quite enjoyed it. So I was giving out sweets to the local children and one of them said, Are you Jonathan Ross's daughter?

Oh, I've never felt so happy in my life. I haven't actually told him this, so I do hope he's not listening. Or you hope he is. Yeah, he's lovely. Yeah. The BBC asked me especially not to give out sweets this year so anyway what happened at the party so then well so i got i went as corpse bride

but i wanted to put my full body i was going to put some blue makeup on my neck can i say emily look lovely oh frank you're so nice it was a dress i think you could have worn to any normal it was it was it was It was a silly old thing. Lady Gaga's costume designer rustled it up for me. By the way, speaking of that, to interrupt, did you see Lady Gaga went to an Halloween party? Sort of, almost naked. Yes.

But the bits that she had were like marijuana leaves. Oh, she's controversial. Isn't she? First the meats and now this. Because there was a thing in the Daily Mail showing a picture of her, and she's very nearly naked and had all this drug thing on, and the first comment in the mail just says, attention seeker.

And Lady Gaga. Surely that's her. You heard it here first. Surely she's even in the chair, Frank. The attention seeking chair. She's in the fancy dress celebrity chair. Someone sent in a chair thing, didn't they? About what chair is Wayne Rooney in?

Yes, they did. They suggested, hey gang, surely Rooney sits in the ugly chair. Oh, is that some tone in Battersea? I think he sometimes is in... It depends on... If it's a simian kind of ugliness, I think one goes to that chair. I think he's also in the more mature girlfriend chair. Yeah, silly Billy's chair.

Not quite girlfriend, but... Well, you know what I mean. I'm cleaning it up a bit. Charging by the hour thing. Yeah. So, Frank, I go as corpse bride, which I thought, well, that's a great idea. I walk down the stairs. First person I run into, Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter. And, of course, it's his film. So I thought, oh, that's a great idea. I walk down the stairs, first person I run into, Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter.

And of course it's his film. So I thought, oh, this is a bit embarrassing. Is he going to judge the costume? Does it look... He went, great costume. Which I was so happy because if anyone criticised my costume, I said, I'm Burton verified. He's actually said he likes the costume.

But did you see, Frank, two of my favourites of the evening, Gary Lineker and Danielle? Well, they were the first people I met I walked in and there was Gary Lineker and his wife and George Lineker was the first people I was confronted by Confronted?

Well they were dressed in obviously they were dressed in garish outfits but I still always, I've met Gary Lineker 50 times, and every time I'm having the most mundane conversation with him, there's still, I hear a tiny voice in my head going, oh, it's Gary Lineker, he's never gone away.

Frank, David Baddiel was Stalin. That was very good, I thought, he had all the plumage. He said to me, this is the most recognised I've ever been. He said that to me. I hope that's notage. He said to me, this is the most recognised I've ever been. He said that to me. I hope that's not true. No, he meant in his costume. Oh, I hope he didn't mean his career. Hang on, did he mean that it was the most famous costume he'd

gone for, or the most recognised whilst in fancy dress he'd ever been? I'm confused. People had come up to him and said, oh, you must be Stalin. Oh, I see. He's gone for obscure ones. i thought you meant that normally daily mail to quote david badia went as a russian soldier oh no i thought danny baker went as a russian soldier frank can you tell me what you've made of the horror maze i led you through a bit like orpheus i have to say we should say that there is a there is a a big tent with a with a maze inside it yeah and i don't mean like a corn on the cob

but you walk through dark very dark corridors and then you come into rooms where there's things like someone's having a head operation there's all these these actors all dressed up. Man with a chainsaw. I found it absolutely terrifying. Did you? And terrifying, it's even worse, because I was sort of, I was screaming like a girl. Really? Oh! And swearing.

I've never laughed so much in my life. I was really swearing in terror. You know when you swear a lot to feel more strong? Like a Kiwi Prime Minister. Yeah, it was horrible. Turning her blue. It's embarrassing being a wimp anyway, but when you're a wimp dressed as Dracula,

I felt I was letting down the whole franchise. Whereas Emily was being a bit leery with them. And saying to stuff like oh that one looks like Danny Baker and stuff like that to the monsters. Yeah, I do it every year, it's my thing. Yeah, you talk back to the ghouls.

You've got to. It's to conquer the fear, Frank. Is that what it is? I felt that they didn't look happy about it. They're used to it, Frank, they know me. Okay. They know me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just backtrack somewhat. I know you said that you'd put trick or treating in Room 101 as if my son was some kind of juvenile delinquent threatening people. Well, I think maybe if their parents are watched over. Yeah, yeah. Well, also he's a five-year-old and it was his first ever go at it, so he kept calling it trickle treating all night

because he doesn't know that it's trick or treat. And I don't know if this is just the little middle-class enclave of Manchester that I live in. Our street had a little system where if you'd put outside your house a pumpkin with a candle in it, it meant it's fine to knock on the door. So you're not sort of knocking on strangers' doors and doing menaces. Oh, OK. It's nice, isn't it?

I was always taught lights in the window meant something else. I didn't like that. Yeah, yeah, well, I have the same system with pampas grass on our house. Well, there's a friend of mine and he said his wife was going out, A friend of mine, and he said his wife was going out, was going to have to go out because they get lads come and knock on the door and ask for money as part of the trick-and-treating thing. Now, I think, you know that recent Conservative Party thing of it's all right to shoot people in cold blood if they break into your house?

Yeah. I think that should be applied in that situation. Surely that's reasonable, isn't it? Yeah. It is open to abuse, the trick-or-treat. Maybe just hit them with a pumpkin, maybe not actually kill anyone. We didn't answer the door to any teenage ne'er-do-wells, we just did it to children that wanted to go at trick-or-treat.

I like the idea of teenage ne'er-do-wells going off with a pumpkin wedged on their head that they have to go home. Especially if the candle's still in it. I found that the children that knocked on our door were, like, people say that kids are all fat and greedy and horrible now, but we were holding out, like, two baskets full of sweets, and they were all going

with one hand to one basket, and going one at a time. Quite polite. Yes, they can read a cell by day. I had painted my head green and I had bolts in my neck, so they were probably quite cautious just in case I went. That's what there wasn't at the party. There wasn't a bolts in the neck all night.

Anyway, enough. What about the news? Opportunity missed, wasn't it? Well, I'll tell you what, I was rather excited by this, which was Star Wars news, because they've sold it to disney haven't they yeah i was less i was what now why were people upset about it well i thought how will this be and then i saw the publicity picture which was george lucas

looking very very depressed with some disney characters dressed as, like, Minnie Mouse was Princess Leia. Oh, really? I never saw that. And Goofy was Darth Vader. And Mickey Mouse, Obi-Wan Kenobi. And it was just... And he looked, George Lucas, like, I have sold my soul. That was the look in his face.

Look, at any moment, he would kill all of them. It was a bit so and ain't so. I thought he'd kill them all and then turn the lightsaber on himself he did

he looked I mean he's got a bit of a mournful face but it does mean there'll be a new film which I'm very excited

it's the only sci-fi I will tolerate I should say here and now Daisy the producer do you know I've discovered this Frank

I thought this was the name of a TV show but no she actually said to me I've never seen Star Wars she I thought this was the name of a TV show, but no, she actually said to me, I've never seen Star Wars. She's the only person who actually hasn't seen Star Wars.

I'm sure there's a few of them out there, but it's... Oh, God, I remember when I first saw it. It was on, I think, the Gorman Cinema in Birmingham, and we queued. We were, like, towards the end of the queue. We were in the second row, and it was, like, one of those enormous screens.

It was, I think we were mentioned in a couple of reviews. We were so close. But it was when the writing first started coming up. Oh, the writing. Obviously, that lost some of the people in there straight away. I don't think there'd be any reading involved. But I told you about that I saw Betty Blue remember that arthouse movie

I saw that for sale in a video shop in Harbourn in Birmingham and there was someone inserted the back of a fag packet inside the cellophane and written in biro on it subtitles but still a good film. People need to be alert to it.

It completely blew me away when I saw Star Wars. I mean, really, like, fabulous. Can I ask who's your favourite Star Wars character, please? Yes, you can. It's a big one. I like... I'd go for Obi-Wan Kenobi. Oh, the old sage. I generally like characters who impart wisdom.

I understand that, Frank. Mr. Miyake. Interestingly, Ido tends Chewbacca. Huh, right. My favourite. Yeah, I think I'd like to be Chewbacca, but I think actually there's a sort of slightly dorky, sensible little boy, lost quality.

You're Luke Skywalker. I'm C-3PO, I think. Oh, yes, you are. I'm more him than the... Oh, thank you. I've got a bit of the C-3PO, but... No, I love all those imparting wisdom. Kane, do you remember the Kung Fu TV series?

Oh, yeah. I love a bit of wisdom. Always reassuring that, you know, Jack Black will never play that character in any form. Because if he was, it would be, Hey, I got wisdom! I got wisdom! And then it would be unbearable.

It's like being in a room with an aeroplane propeller, watching Jack Black in a film. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the Star Wars franchise has been sold to Disney. And we've had a couple of good texts on the very topic.

From 546, when we were discussing our favourite characters in Star Wars. Emily would be R2 Dean 2, surely. Good. Lovely. I like that. I like it. Excellent work. Leighton from Woking says, how can he be depressed with four billion dollars in the bank? Yeah. Well, mind your own argument, George Luke or something.

I'm having a bit of a fall on myself. I mean, you've done well, but not that well, surely. No, we had done that well, and then there was the thing. You can't talk about the thing. Don't leave it. OK. He's got some of it back now. Well, I'll tell you what it reminded me of.

Perhaps I shouldn't name the person, but a well-known sort of a... Sort of a... No, not a sort of... I'm trying to describe his musical genre. OK. But anyway anyway a well known British music singer I think I've guessed who it is but carry on said to me he was working with

Rykuda do you know Rykuda? yeah Giorgio Moroder Rykuda did that remember that film about the Cuban musicians what was it called? I can't remember, but I remember. Club.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Anybody. Club Havana something. You know, when I look at people, when I can't... What was it? Buena Vista. Buena Vista Social Club. That's right.

You know, when I ask a question like that and I can't remember, and people look at me and they don't know the answer, I hate them. If I had acid in my hands, it'd be straight in their faces. See, this is a good text. When do you have moments where you absolutely hate people? I hated someone who was eating an apple the other day.

Hated them. I looked round the room, no one knew it was Bonavista Saucer. And I would have happily mown all of you down. And then... Oh, I love it when you sound so stable. Anyway, so he was with Rykuda. Yes. And Rykuda's manager came in and said,

we've had the Disney organisation on the phone. They've offered a million dollars for you to do a gig at Euro Disney. And right coup just said, I don't twang for the mouse. Very good. And ever since then, if ever I've been asked to do something which I thought was a bit of a sellout, I always think, nah, I don't twang for the mouse. Star Wars.

Yeah, oh yeah, Star Wars. See, I think you have a weird emphasis. We've talked about this before. You say Star Wars. Yes, oh yeah, Star Wars. See, I think you have a weird emphasis. We've talked about this before. You say Star Wars. Yes, he does. He does, Alan. And everyone else says Star Wars.

What do I say? Can I just say I love Alan's very damning everyone else. You're the only person. It's like tough all over again. Oh, Frank, say Star Wars.

Say Star Wars for me, Frank. I used to have this problem with Stephen Gerrard. You're saying it like Eddie Royale. And David Baddiel said to me, you've got to stop saying that, it's really weird. And I said, say what? And he said, Stephen Gerrard.

It's not Gerrard, it's Gerard. Now, I know why you're saying it. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, Jill Gerrard, who starred as Buck Rogers. Well, I wish that was true. It's actually because she used to be a racehorse called Brigadier Gerrard. Oh, I hate that period in your life. And I think because Emily News, who played a similar role for Liverpool,

was called Crazy Horse, I got mixed up. Well, of course we all knew that. Yeah. You do say Star Wars, and I find it rather enduring. You say it like it's the Ronald Reagan initiative, and I like it. Here's a question for you, based on the Star Wars Disney franchise story. It's not about Rykuda, is it? Because I feel sick if it is. Now, what is the relationship between Mickey and Minnie Mouse?

Oh, well, are they brother and... No, they're wife, husband and wife. I'm going husband and wife. Both wrong so Wow. Are they brother and... No, they're wife. Husband and wife. I'm going husband and wife. Both. Both wrong so far. Are they? Really? Are they... Oh, it's not father and daughter. It's disgusting. Disgusting. The second cousins? Oh, don't say they're father and daughter.

Second cousins. I know that kind of thing goes on in America. They're boyfriend and girlfriend. Right. And have been for, what, 40 years? Oh, it's a bit Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley. It is, yeah. But, I mean, they've stayed together, but never done anything. Frank, can I just say they were in the long engagement chair for a while.

Yeah. What, Mickey and Minnie Mouse? No. They're not even engaged. They haven't even taken that step. even engaged they haven't even taken that step i my feeling is that um they want to avoid getting married because there's a big plural debate oh because if you went if you went around their house for dinner what would you say to people oh yeah we went around the mouses or would you say we went around the mice went to the mice the mice is the mouse

we went to see mickey and it would you know be that's what they've but to put grammar before love seems wrong to me this is frank skinner absolute radio frank skinner emchran, 8.12.15 at Frank on Absolute. Email Corner. And relax. OK, I'm going to kick off Email Corner with a missive from Scott, who says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Mr. Cochran.

Sick. Spelled incorrectly. It's spelled rather oddly, but let's move on. Just to let you know, I'm waiting in the Top Gear live show line, reading my son's show guide. No judgment at this stage, please. No. Which has a pic of frank in it

i never knew you were a fan scott a picture of me in the top gear yes in the show guide it's really sort of little programs so were you wearing a boot cut jean and a jaunty floral shirt well all i can think of is that they asked me to do the live version of stars in reasonably priced cars oh i thought you say stars in the rise that was a long time ago frank and i said uh i said no and maybe they've got a special uh section the brochure of people who've did you say no yeah can i just say that is another reason why i love you. I don't twang for the mouse. No, I know you don't. But that, I'm not sure about being in the brochure, though. Unless they've got a list of people that we asked and said no.

That would be weird, though. Nobody advertises. I can't believe it's there. I suppose there's worse things. Well, you're not tempted to do it, Frank. I suppose the Top Gear type people could go, people who think they're too good to be on this show include. you know they could have done it the dali llama yeah just just me and the dali llama in a pant and they've sort of photoshopped us into a pantomime horse outfit orange obviously yeah well i find that very the brochure does it have is it things like a you get a big color

page of james may can i just say at this point why is there a brochure most people are happy with the entertainment that you get when you arrive to see a show why do they need a brochure i imagine there's a whole um series of different things going on at the top gear show so you've got to be able to follow what's what. They like merchandise as well, like a Stig soap on the rope. It's a money thing, isn't it? I have a James May theory. Oh, yeah?

Because James May, I've noticed... I'm a bit worried about this one, but hang on a second. I know which one he is, the long-haired. Yes, I know which one he is. They're all a bit long-haired, but he's got the longest hair. He's a bit less what are you driving, to be fair. No, but that is my point. Oh, OK.

He often wears a floral shirt. A personality shirt, yeah. Yeah, and I think he might be more of a hostage than a team member. I think that floral shirt is saying, I know how it looks, but I'm not like these two. Please rescue me. They're keeping me as their prisoner. I think, Frank...

He's got the hair of a hostage. I think he has to hide poetry books in his rucksack. And Clarkson goes, what's that you've got there? Oh, nothing, mate. It's just... Well, not even... Just books. Yeah.

He might be able to get away with an Andy McNabb, but that would be it. But, yeah, I think he's a quite a sweet sensitive one i think he hates the other two and he's constantly knocked about by them and then tied in up and put in a room at night i think he pretends to like beer as well with them to get in with them you know i always used to think that about martin clunes like that men behaving badly and i thought he secretly liked a red wine and a bit of theater yeah Yeah, I think that's it with James May. I think he's a sensitive character.

Trapped in a man's body. No, trapped by the other two. Sorry, I got mixed up. I think this email that we've received is breaking new territory. Just to let you know, I am waiting in the Top Gear live show line. I had a moment of reading that going, people are emailing from queues now. This is the age of Twitter.

Email's so mobile these days. Oh, is it not a tweet? No, it's an email that came in. We're in email corners. That is incredible. You're right. There is a tweet, though. We're not in Twitter corner.

Oh, there is a tweet in email. Well, we are, because Chris Hughes has responded to you saying, surely that should be, I don't twang for the hamster. Which I think is rather good, yes. He's got a little nickname. He's called the hamster, yeah. That is excellent. I didn't know he was called the hamster, but that is brilliant.

Why would you, unless you'd watched it? It's not something I'm happy I know of. I'd like to see him strapped into an enormous wheel where he must walk until the end of time. Well, that'll probably be one of their stunts that they do. That's what they make James May do, I bet. Oh, what? Do you think they bully him? Yeah, I think he's put in a big wheel

with just a tiny pair of pants on that's to walk and walk. His hair looks like he's sweated his way through a night on the treadmill. He looks very much like a middle-aged woman that used to live near us as a child. Full respect to him.

Like I say, I like him. He's the poet. He's the Top Gear poet. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Well, we were in the email corner when we were talking about this Top Gear show, but we've had a text, so I feel like we ought to go into

text triangle or whatever it is. Oh, that works. Text triangle. The person that has texted, 722, he's got a bit of a potty mouth, so I'm going to have to sanitise it somewhat. But basically, he's texted in a version of, Frank, you idiot. How on earth can you refuse Top Gear? Are you really that bad of a driver, dude? The Stigs know how alone. Phone them up,

dude, and grovel. Okay, I'll do that. Thanks for that tip. Yeah, isn't it? I've got their number. Yeah, I've got it here. I have no interest in cars at all.

And also, people who are really into cars, I also think are quite likely to kill someone at some stage in their life. And I don't mean sort of to gain money, I mean just for pleasure. And I also think they are almost certainly going to vote for a right-wing political party at some point. Quite an extreme one, I suspect. My problem with it would be that the entire audience is made up of people that send text like this.

Well, no, I mean, God bless him for joining in and all that. And I know there must be people who like cars who are lovely people as well. But just don't sit next to me at a dinner party. If you're going to talk about cars, don't sit near me. What's the name of that gentleman? He doesn't give his name.

No, seriously, it's a fun. He's just an enthusiast and I like him for that. He'll be delighted to hear that I recently turned down a documentary in which I interviewed Sir Jackie Stewart, the former Formula One thing.

Drove his 1973 Formula One thing, drove his 1973 Formula One car. He was going to drive me in a sort of supercar type thing around. I would worry about that. He'd have to retake his test. And I'd get a driving lesson from Jenson Button. And I thought, you know,

cars, I thought. Did you? Cars. So that was there. But, you know, it's exciting. If you love cars, it'd be brilliant. Yeah. What if you don't? So Alan Partridge types, get in touch.

Frank, last week, we're going back to email corner. I don't twang for the Jackie Stewart. You were talking about some shoes for sliding down banisters. Do you recall that? Of course. Ah, okay. You were talking about some shoes for sliding down banisters. Do you recall that? Of course. Ah, OK. In case anyone wasn't listening, I was sent a pair of shoes that had got these sort of big, hard plastic grooves in the sole.

And they said they're for sliding down metal banisters. Yeah. Shoes, bear in mind. Yeah, I remember it. Had they been trousers? Yes. Well, Ben is quite covetous of these he says dear frank emily and alan regarding the aforementioned shoes i would like to share that i coveted a pair when i was a young teen a few years ago oh lovely i believe they were called

soap boxes but couldn't be sure they meant you could grind rails that's a technical skater term like someone in inline skates would without the added danger of wheels. If I could find a pair in size 12, I would be more than happy to accompany Frank to his local skate park, give him a crash course. Size 12? He had me at size 12. Yeah.

What kind of a creature is this that Seth has written in? Is it Shrek? Size 12 is big, isn't it? I'll tell you what, he's not just offering to accompany you to a local skate park. The end of his email has a PS. If Emily ever finds herself on the Hertfordshire-Essex border and needs some company for the evening, I would be glad to show her the sights. You see, his feet are so big, he lives in both Hertfordshire and Essex.

Incredible. He says he... I don't even run my hands along handrails because there's often bogeys left on them deliberately as a prank. So I'm not going to go down on my feet. You know what, I do it. I presume everyone else does.

Surely if he's looking for... Underneath it, yeah, that's where you want to go. Oh, God. Surely if he's looking for a pair of shoes that he could grind rails in, there must be a website like Grindr or something. There's probably a way he could find it. He should sign on to Grindr.

He should go on Grindr and meet somebody. Don't go on Grindr. I'm a fellow with big feet and I'm looking for someone. Apparently Sonic the Hedgehog had a pair in one of his... I thought you were going to say Sonic the Hedgehog's on Grindr. No, in one of his manifestations, he wears the same shoe. That'd be a tricky date, wouldn't it? What's the definition of tentative?

Picking up Sonic the Hedgehog on Grindr. I'm on Grindr, of course. I'm on Grindr, of course. That's one of the many things I've got in common with Sonic the Hedgehog. Also, I... Gypsies boil me as a cure for bedwetting. There's been some rather sad news this week. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There's been some rather sad news this week. The world's worst waxwork museum is to close.

Oh, yes, in Great Yarmouth. Yes, it's called Louis Tussauds, which I like that they've just totally stolen the... It's like calling it Alton Powers. I like that. I once went to a club and there was a woman on called Zoe Springsteen. And I know it's not quite the same, but I remember she came and I thought, could she possibly be part of that rock dynasty? And she came on.

She was probably 55 in one of the shortest dresses I've ever seen. And when she clapped her hands above her head, it went another six inches higher. And she says, so clap your hands if you love tamla mall town and i thought actually you're better than bruce springsteen yeah if we're going to be honest about it yes i've uh i believe louis tussaud though um you're being a little on joss i believe he was the nephew of uh madame tussaud who did the thing. Was he? And he sort of cashed in on the family name. Right, OK. But without the critical waxwork ability.

No, he was a sort of Julian Lennon figure. Yes. Oh. Was that unkind? Harsh. OK, I'll take that back. You're listening, Julian. Well, they can't find anyone to do that.

You may say I'm a dreamer. John Lennon there. Sorry, carry on. They can't find anyone to take it on, which is extraordinary. I enjoyed it because I read this story on The Sun, and The Sun comments are even better than the Daily Mail comments because one of The Sun readers said, I wonder how much they want and what the financials look like.

I like the financials. Someone actually thinking of buying it. And sharing it with his fellow Sun readers. That'll be a self-made man from the East End of London. Do you think? Or is it one of the dragons reading the Sun website? I need more information here. Well, I'm pretty sure.

If I'm not mistaken, there used to be a Louis II swords in Western in uh in uh western super mayor oh and i went along to that and they weren't they looked i mean they were awful they would just look nothing there was like a black man in boxing muhammad ali looked absolutely nothing like muhammad ali and they were all like that there was a torture chamber and where people were being attacked, you could see all their metal support rods inside their chests. Don't want to see that. But, in the midst of it all, there was a brilliant, I think it was Barry Sheen. It was a really

good, accurate one. I felt so sorry for that waxwork. Do you think it was a waxwork or just Barry Sheen had gone there? You could see the metal workings inside it. Oh, good. For our younger listeners, Barry Sheen was a famous motorcyclist way back then. But it was like,

you know when you, at the end of Bronson, the movie, when he's sane, but he's in an asylum. Yes. And, you know, you feel he's trapped in this world where you can't talk to anyone because everyone's so terribly troubled.

That's what I felt the Barry Sheen wax work was like in western superman i felt i really wanted to rescue it it was like looking at james may on top gear i knew he didn't belong there but it was awful but some of these did you see my the gary lilliker was my was my favorite that was the most accurate ruth mad thought Ruth Maddock from Heidi High. You know, I used to quite fancy her. And the coincidences sounded my girlfriend. Oh. Yeah. What?

One of the few things. Earth has happened. No, one of the things we have in common is that we both fancied Ruth Maddock when she was on Heidi High. Oh, you mean your current girlfriend? I thought you meant your girlfriend at the time that Ruth Maddock was on Heidi Heide. Oh, wow. Yeah, she had something nice about her. She had a nice face.

Yeah, strange coincidence. Me and my girlfriend both fancied her and she nearly ruined my manager's life. Is that true? Did she? She was in a terrible West End flop. I've gone off her then. Anyway, there is a tourist information shop

in London and I'm on the way to Absolute on Saturday mornings, I always pass it and it's all the things you can go and do and in the window there is a waxwork and I assume, I've never stopped to look in there I assume it's to say

go to Madame Tussauds but just one waxwork, one lonely waxwork in isolation in this window and nothing else to do with it. And it's Susan Sarandon. Is it really?

Is it? And I always think, who made that? Was that a choice? Or did Madam Toussaint you know, phone up and say, you don't want a Susan Sarandon for your window? It's not... She's not going well. We haven't got room for her. Yeah, but you wouldn't order Susan.

Are you sure it's Susan Sarandon? No, it's definitely Susan. It's not Warderman? No, no, it's Sarandon. OK. I mean, in full respect No, no, it's Sarandon. OK. I mean, in full respect, I'm not being disrespectful to her, I loved Rugrats in Paris. But it's an odd choice, and I just...

It's an odd choice, yeah. Was it just, did they have a lucky draw, or...? But there she is, anyway. And she's in the window. The problem is, people do get phased out don't they yeah but i thought they were taken out if bad things happen or if you do a bad murder or something you get taken out right and also just to do with the you know passing vogues and trends i'm afraid yeah see i like the idea of having them in the window i i mean i don't know if this

waxwork does shut down do you think they've got the news on all the time at the moment, lighting to see if they should take out? If it shuts down, I think they should have, like, a closing down sale and you could buy waxwork. Like a hook around some of their necks, just waiting. I mean, I've got quite a tall house, but I think it would be quite good for your sort of domestic security. You could just have, like, our kitchen in the dark. If burglars got in, it would be quite good for your sort of domestic security. You could just have, like, our kitchen in the dark.

If burglars got in, it would be quite good to have, like, Sharon Osbourne holding a meat cleaver just inside the kitchen door. It would be quite scary. I haven't got over the fact that you've got quite a tall house. I've got a tall house. It's three storeys, but on a small footprint. Do you live in Toronto? Fabulous view.

Top of the stairs, Andrew Marr. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We were talking about waxworks. Yes, we were. And in fact, you know, Frank, you were talking about the specific waxwork of Susan Sarandon advertising London tourist attractions as if she in some way encapsulated. Well, she's in the window with all the things, but the rest is sort of like leaflets and stuff. And there's Susan Sarandon in an evening dress. Well, this character, Gareth, has contacted us on Twitter.

He says, I've been going past that waxwork for years, but I always assumed it was Cherie Blair. Well, there you go. He says, I've been going past that waxwork for years, but I always assumed it was Cherie Blair. Well. There you go. I suppose it makes more sense, but I don't, because most of the time they thought, do we still want Cherie Blair up now? Now he's gone. I mean, he goes in the past prime minister,

what do we do with the First Lady? But no, it's Susan Tarranton. Okay. Trust me. You'd think really if it's a waxwork in a room full of leaflets, they'd have gone for, like, a magician, a Paul Daniels, and just spread out the leaflets, you know, like they do with packs of cards. Well, I'll give you a bit of backstory on this.

It used to be Michael Caine in a Tuxedo. Not a lot of people know that. No, I thought that made more sense, because he's sort of epitomised London. Yeah, yeah. So I thought that was a good purchase. Susan Sarandon? No. If it had been Rugrats in London, fine.

But Rugrats in Paris? No. It's an appalling choice. I think that was her Oscar film, wasn't it? Mm. I think... I like a bad regional attraction, attraction though i like a bad attraction in general if i'm honest i don't know when you plan a day out there and you go somewhere and it's

rubbish that's a terrible i went to the tower of london once and got um got a very the grumpiest beefeater i've ever met i went especially i want you to write that book. I went... Yeah, it'd be a great book of lists. I went along because St Thomas More, you may know, was kept there because he refused to turn his back on the Roman Catholic Church during the time of the Reformation under Henry VIII. Well, obviously, I'm Team Henry, I'm afraid.

No, I'm fine with that. But, you know, live and let live. But anyway, obviously I'm Team Henry, I'm afraid. No, I'm fine with that. But, you know, live and let live. But anyway, they locked him up in this cell, St Thomas More, and he still wouldn't recant, he wouldn't sign the thing. So in the end they took away all his books and writing paper. So he just sat in this room for hours locked up, and I thought, God, that'd be... so the beefeater tells us this story and he says for any questions at all about this anything you want to ask just ask now and i said how long did he actually um carry on then with no um writing

materials or he said oh i don't know and then um he said on, let's get out now. Like I'd said, look, it was a really stupid question. I mean, come on. And he just put the light off. And we were all there, and everyone had to hurry out. And he just went off, didn't say thank you very much, anything. Oh, somebody asked the how long without writing materials question today. That's what it must have been like in their room.

I imagine they have some sort of green room that they sit in the bedroom. Or they have a ciggy. Yeah, I've never been back there. That upsets me, that Sir Thomas Moore as well, because that's a bit James May's predicament on Top Gear. Yeah. That's how they treat him in the room with no writing machine. Yeah, and I was about to ask how long he's had to, you know, where does he get his floral shirts from?

They are his... You know when you hear about people who are hostages flashing a light in the window at night and maybe one of the bad guys is riding back on horseback and he sees it and they punish him terribly for it? That's what the James May floral shirt's like. I have a feminine side. Get me out of this. It's like a flare.

It is. He probably wears those as well. I wouldn't be out of question but i'm sure he used to work on cape hill market selling kitchen utensils i like that 70 of the show's content features james may today yeah which is never true at top gear of course it's kept in a minor role by the two bullies. Poor James May. Can't we get him out and get him on to the book show? Yeah.

Yeah, we could try that. They won't let him do a culture review show. He's in his contract. He's not allowed. No, it's... Do you know James May? All together now. No, but thanks for the tea. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank. Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I raise the Mona Lisa at this point? Worth seeing? No. The Mona Lisa, do you think it's a disappointing? Very overrated. It looks like

me with no make-up, for a start. It does a bit look like me. I've never seen you with no make-up. Well, this is true. That's how I imagined it would look. Very few have. But look at the Mona Lisa, if you want to know, Frank. Okay.

There's a lot of bulletproof glass as well. So you can't get near it. I like to get near my art. And also, it's just all you can see is Italians with cowboy hats rocking the view. And I won't have that. I was a little underwhelmed. I think that often happens with great art, I'm afraid. Oh. I was very excited

to see the Mona Lisa. I remember that the Louvre was just closing and I raced in. I persuaded the bloke to let me in. I raced in, raced up about two or three flights of stairs, whatever it was and just went and had about 30 seconds

looking at the Mona Lisa, and then was, you know, had to leave. So maybe it is an underwhelming picture, but you had that adrenaline. Well, I've been back. That 30 seconds of adrenaline. I went back and had a longer look. Oh, did you?

Yeah. Did you get him to shut it and go around it like Alan Partridge in Dixons? I don't know what that means. It's a bit where he goes around because he gets the shop to shut for him because he's a celeb. Oh, OK. Like, did you get them to shut the loo? No, not in there.

I'm often underwhelmed by a ghost train as well. I said I was a friend of Susan Sarandon. It didn't get me anywhere. A ghost train? Yeah. I quite like it, though, like a bad regional funfair. I went to one, and it was billed as a ghost train, but it was a youth in a black cape,

which you would have approved of, but he was just basically spraying Febreze at us and going, whoa. And then I saw the white Reebok trainer underneath the cloak. Classics. It ruined the whole thing. Yes, it was classics. It was. I don't like Reebok trainer underneath the cloak. Classics. It ruined the whole thing. Yes, it was classics.

It was. I don't like white trainers on a ghoul. No. You've got to have a rule, haven't you? No. Although Katie Hill carried them off on Blue Peter. Did she? She was very much a trainer and skirt girl,

which is a look I like. She was fine. It is. I like... You know, sometimes you see city workers walking to work. Shoes in the handbag. They'll wear a power pinstripe suit and a white trainer. Yeah, yeah.

Smashing. Terrible tourist attraction. The Eden Project. There you go. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. It's rubbish. Worst one I went to was the EDAM Project.

It's a big red dome in the West Country. And when you go in, it's just like a cheese world and alex james showing everyone around i've never been to the eden oh don't bother it's a big greenhouse and they bang on about like oh it's an amazing big greenhouse no they mean it's a big greenhouse and it's it's like a garden center but you can buy seeds you i think you can judge a day out by the caliber of stuff you can buy in the gift shop and in the eden project you can buy seeds you may as well go to a garden centre what no one raises no no it raises in a gift shop i wonder if there's a bookmark i bet we'll get texts in from people saying they love it i once mentioned this before and people went

i bet we get a text in from adam and Eve saying it was the happiest years of our lives. We saw a lemon. We were making a big deal of it. What, lemon from Motorhead? No, there was a lemon on a tree growing in a greenhouse and they were like, whoopee-doo, we've made it tropical. And you go, so what?

Like, who cares? I don't think you went now. I think you're on drugs. Oh, it's terrible. Rubbish. There's a garden centre near our house. There's a garden centre near where I live that's got a brilliant restaurant. The Eden Project. I don't even remember it having a great restaurant.

What is the name of that garden centre? I can't remember. Oh, we're going to turn it to sales round there. Oh, that would have been good. Yeah, don't go to the centre. Daisy's just put the blinds down. I'm a bit nervous. I know.

It's getting... It's very sunny in here suddenly. It's good to have not in my Dracula gear. I've been agony. It's like the Eden Project. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan the Cockerel, Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. I think it's spoken word poem there or something. Yeah, it is.

We have had a text in, Frank, I'd like to share with you. Good morning, guys. I just wanted to thank Frank for the bad habit I've picked up from him. Oh. When the better half and I are having our post-work chat at the end of the day, chewing over the day's events, if at any point there is a pause or lull in discussions, without thinking, I will just say, what else? In Skinner's style, much to my partner's astonishment.

That's a good thing. It is only a matter of time before I start telling boring people to sure up instead of suffering them through gritted teeth as is the norm well yeah the latter one obviously could lead to uh could lead to trouble but i think what else it just it's good to keep things moving in a conversation some people will allow things to lol unacceptable i like the idea of him and his partner going through the day like that. It's like our Christ at the end of Open All Out. He's been a funny old day. That's lovely.

We've had another email in entitled Fashion Corner. Morning all from sunny Japan. I was wondering whether I could ask a fashion question of Emily. Recently, here in Japan, as the evenings are getting colder, I've seen numerous young women in their 20s and 30s walking around wrapped in blankets, clutching it together at their chest. I don't think they're pigs. They sound quite attractive. Attractive Japanese women in blankets is the new phrase.

I've decided to christen this fashion Displaced Refugee Babushka Chic. Why not just wear a coat? Anyway, I was wondering whether refugee chic is also rampant in the UK at the moment and if Emily has any thoughts on the wearing of blankets in public. Also, I would ask Emily out and at 31 I'd be right up her straza, but I feel like I could not do her justice as a dinner date. Cheerio. Don't put yourself down.

You did say you didn't like japan didn't you so no i've taken that back i've formally apologized to the entire nation you like the japanese it's just japan itself that you didn't enjoy some of the technology i found depressing japanese ladies wearing blankets yeah wrapped in blankets it's there's a tradition of that though because the kimono ladies often have like like, a pillow strapped to their back, don't they? Yeah, bedding's popular. One of those trunks. Without a wear.

Well, you know, I'm imagining, can I say, top or backwards? Yeah. You have your own. It's a great idea. But now, they're basically just walking beds. Yeah. But I like the idea of... That's what I've always said about Japanese women.

But, Frank... Well, I don't know what it means But Frank that is actually useful Because I had I'm not going to describe it as an incident But I went to the theatre recently And I did actually have a blanket When I was at the theatre It was given to me

I'll tell you where I went It was a cultural outing It's not just my can of pale ale. I do go for cultural events too. My can of pale ale. This was

Twelfth Night at the Globe Theatre. It was the last performance. Did you hear about this? Well, the Globe Theatre is outdoors. So a blanket is... You need a blanket.

Well, I wasn't... There's the groundlings and then there's the balcony seats. I wasn't with the groundlings, and then there's the balcony seats. I wasn't with the groundlings. No, I didn't think that for one second. But I was given a blanket, and what concerned me is I thought, then I saw there were a few old people with it.

I thought it was a pensioner thing. I thought they'd made a decision. People over a certain age got a blanket. I don't know. Like a flu jab. But, Frank, I loved it. It was like the Queen at the Jubilee. It's lovely. I'm going to take one out with me when I go to the

theatre. Was it a tartan hue, the blanket? It was red. Oh, was it? Shakespearean red. Oh, good. A tartan hue? No, she was on her own. I was at a World Cup game in South Africa. Brazil, North Korea. And

North Korea didn't bring many. And they gave out blankets to us in the posh bit. I like it, the tradition. It's lovely and cozy. Sometimes if it's a cultural event, I'll wear an opera slanket. Oh, yeah. Black.

Frank, I get cold at the cinema because of the air con. And so I would actually, I'm going to start doing that. Just a little roll. What about when you went to see air con? It must have been frozen. Or was it con air? Okay. But yeah, so I think that might

be. I have fantasised because I've been to. Oh God, filthy. Not that one not that one i um you i don't know if you've ever been to the copman cinemas i know um where you can go and sit on a sofa and stuff like that if you pay a bit extra you get like a big lovely leather sofa to sit on instead of the normal chair you where are these places yeah my oh wow i'm all over that sofa yeah it's um i noticed that i thought i thought it was an irish war fan when i first saw the hair but i um i i used to fantasize about going say going to

the globe say and uh but what you do is you um you strip down to your pants and then you lie in a vat of um golden syrup can i are you groundling at this point, or balcony? Oh, I think balcony, or otherwise I'd have to be on a tilt. No, not balcony, groundling. Groundling, okay. I don't want to be... And then you just lie on the top, and your body gradually sinks into the...

Oh, it'll be lovely and warm. And when you lifted your hand up, it'd be all slow and it'd be fabulous. It could be called the Golden Syrup Shakespeare Company, where you go, you just, because some terrorists would obviously release wasps, and the whole thing would be, but I've often dreamt of that. One day I'm going to

get a vat of golden syrup. I look forward to that day. I think that's an opening line to an old blues song. But Frank, do you know my goddaughter, because it's outdoors anyway, but she's trying to give up smoking and she was having an electronic cigarette. And you know it blows, it's very clear, it's got a blue light. And the lady came over and she went, could you put that out?

She said, it's not a cigarette. She said, I don't care, it's going to encourage others to smoke. She said, but it's not real. I thought that was a bit strange. It's ridiculous. Ronnie Wood was puffing away on his at the archivist that's true yeah yeah i think he's gonna say ronnie wood was at 12th night it's possible of course it's and it's all it's all male isn't it that it's all male i loved it i did a standing well the standing ovation that went on for some time that was embarrassing because it got caught up with the Elizabethan jig,

so it goes on for ages. You don't know whether to stand or sit or stand. Oh, so you wouldn't have that problem in the golden syrup set-up. You'd just stay where you are. No, it's... Many of you will know that in Shakespeare's times, there were no actresses, so it was all men playing women, and they've gone back to the olden days.

That's what they've done. A bit worried about their Othello. Sorry? I was going to say, surely if you have that golden syrup plan that you've got, most of the plays would come to a sticky end. Be like a whodunit. Oh, God, Phil.

I feel awful. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are at the Globe Theatre. Yes, if I could just return briefly to the Globe.

Balcony, semicircle. What do you do? You see, the thing is, because obviously it's all very traditional at the Globe, and they do it as it would have been performed in Shakespeare's Day, that means, I was talking about this earlier, but the bow is not done as it is in a normal theatre situation. There's an Elizabethan jig,

so they sort of, they're dancing and you're clapping. So it means you stand up, and then I thought, well, I don't know whether to sit down. I was with J. Rowe, Jonathan Ross. He had no such, you know, I thought well I don't know whether to sit down I was with um J-Ro Jonathan Ross he had no such you know I mean he wasn't remotely self-conscious he just had a grey fedora just stood there clapping throughout 15 minutes it went on he didn't keep his fedora on for half yeah he texted me when I arrived and he said I'm wearing a grey fedora deal with it and I had to

deal with it um but yeah so I I didn't know what to do i sort of crouched and then i sat back down and then i stood up it's very difficult i've never i've never been confronted with an elizabethan jig did you think it's that's what theater was like when i was a young boy is this the texting texting your elizabethan jig dilemma yeah no i don't know what we do well should you be in that situation, I'd... I'd jig like there was no tomorrow. And at my age,

there might not be, let's face it. My friend Jane went for a sort of centaur pose, which I thought was good. She kind of half-crouched. Oh, yeah.

And that worked well for her. You can do some Jessie J dancing in your seat, like she used to do on her. Yeah. Stephen Fry's in that.

He is. Stephen Fry is in it. Is is. Stephen Fry is in it. Is it done now, or is it moving to the West End? It's done. It'll be moving to the West End. Oh, God, I don't know if I've got a coat with this. I'll fight through a speech. Of course, this word has changed its meaning considerably. It's 1601 when this played. Get on with it!

Don't know, but let me tell you the entomology. Get on with it! He was at the party. Yeah, I didn't see him. He was a highwayman. He was a ghost. Frank's cape would make a good blanket. Oh, that's a good point. 231 says, if you turn it round so it covers your front. It was lined. It was red lined and it had a bit of a, you know the upraised sort of top of the cape sort of rises up like Elvis's collars in Vegas? I know, I love that detail. I noticed it. Yeah, it had a bit of fake leather

sort of stiffening the risage. Oh, yeah? Frank, we had an email into the show during the week. Hello, I was wondering if you could tell me which show and at what time Jon Bon Jovi will be on, as I hear he will be with you. I was wondering if you could tell me which show and at what time Jon Bon Jovi will be on, as I hear he will be with you. I was wondering if we were allowed to ask questions, if you could ask this one. So, what will be so different about the new tour, what we have not seen already?

I'm a fan club member, thank you Nicola Ames. So Frank, what will be different about the new tour? For Jon Bon Jovi? For Jon Bon Jovi Ames. Right. So, Frank, what will be different about the new tour? For John Mongeau? What, for John Mongeau? Yeah. Nothing. That's one thing I feel I can answer safely. Have we been billed that he was going to come in, John?

I think so. I have interviewed him on television. Of course you have. You've worked with them all. Yeah. Perfect teeth. Has he? Too perfect. Oh really,

suspiciously perfect. He's had the new ones put in, but he hasn't had, you know you get a bit of a bit of grooving in the teeth. There's none of that there. You want to get them done like Tom Cruise, he's a perfect. Isn't it lovely though that people are excited about Bon Jovi. What a

different and various world. Can I just say I usually step out of the music conversations because I feel ignorant, but I am a big fan of Slippery When Wet. Good album. Do you like that? Really? Yeah, it's a good album. You see, to me, it's like listening to the fridge hum. You know when the fridge goes

ooooh. That's, I mean, it does nothing, nothing to me at all. But for some people love it and that's one of the great varieties of life. Isn't it? Otherwise, we'd all fancy one person. And imagine how complicated that would be. There'd be no room for the likes of Vince Cable

on the Shedden Book list. Or Isabelle Dinois. Isabelle Dinois. Or Olaf Melberg. As I know who she is. Yeah, she's the woman whose dog bit her face off. I wish I hadn't brought her up there. She's bounced back, I think it's fair to say.

It's, you know, everyone would like... Who does everyone like? Pixie Lott. Mm. That's who they'd like. You think? Can I say, Isabel, it's all right, the transplant was... She's fine. Everyone stopped worrying about her.

She's OK. Yeah. transplant was... She's fine. Everything... Everyone stopped worrying about her. She's okay. She's... Yeah. She said the dog... She looks great. The dog thought she was asleep and was licking her face trying to wake her up. Mm-hmm.

I mean, that is sticking up for the dog, isn't it? Yeah. It could have barked. That's first port of call for dogs trying to wake someone up. She'll be not eating their face off. Yeah, you'd think licking it would have done it. How long can we keep this going

I don't know why did I name Pixie Locke she's attractive she's alright she's not Olaf Melberg no but you are

my man crush this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio did you want to say what else now I know want to say what else now? I know that's... Okay, what else?

Gary Barlow is to star in the popular sitcom Miranda. Yes. Not enough that he's a massive world-famous pop star, singer-songwriter, X Factor judge and Queen's party organiser. Yeah. You missed out waistcoat wearer of the year. Waistcoat wearer of the year. Was he actually?

No, but I've nominated him now. Oh, OK, I see. I must say, let's just stop for a second and think about it. You know we were talking about comedy chairs at the beginning of the show. He was in absolute... He was in the fat person chair and the loser chair. He was the, like, working in McDonald's joke. Gary Barlow was where you went. He was the has-been, he was the failed everything.

He's come back with a vengeance, hasn't he? He has. It's inspiring. I mean, I'm thinking there could still be a way back for me. It's some, it's cutting out the carbs has done it for him. It's an incredible. He won't have dessert. It's something about being an X Factor. He ate potatoes and now he's massive, ironically. He's massive in terms of career.

It's the X Factor thing, wasn't it? Cheryl Cole, you know, pretty, but she went to, like, National Treasure Standard. Talisa's become, like, a major star. Louis Walsh is playing Lady Macbeth at the Globe. Yeah, it's... honestly, it's incredible. Here's the thing. When I read a story like this, I often think you've got to

feel for the person who was going to play Miranda's love interest in the next series. Like the poor comic actor that got down to the last two. Imagine how they feel. Can I tell you this? I don't need to imagine. I am that guy. I got down to the last two. Imagine how they feel. Can I tell you this? I don't need to imagine. I am that guy. I got down to the last two

for a romantic interest in Miranda for the next series. And you didn't get it. And I heard, oh, they've gone the other way. They wouldn't say who'd got it. So hold on, Gary Barlow's got your Miranda job. Unless there's two romantic interests in the next series. He's got an equity card.

Who are these people? I tell you what, these world-famous pop stars coming over here nicking my jobs. That is unbelievable. Oh, my God. And I'm going to be the judge on the next series of The X Factor. That's basically my plan. I will usurp him.

That's not going to happen. Has he earned his stripes as Jason the Asthmatic? I don't think he did do the part Jason the Asthmatic in... To be fair, he's playing himself. Well, that's a bit that confuses me. Frank, you know who that's like. What's my favourite as himself that you always quote? What is it?

Has he broken Hawaii Five-0 or something? No, it's Lewis Kono. It wasn't as himself. I just said he might as well have been. That's the only way they're going to change the name. Oh, that's terrible news. Either they've had a rewrite and they've made Gary Barlow play himself

or some other comic actor has got the part that I went up for and I've got confused with this story. But I'd like to think that Gary Barlow has got my part. Well, I... We had to... Miranda was on Room 101 the other part. Well, I, um... We had to study. Miranda was on Room 101 the other night. We're recording those at the moment.

And when I went and knocked on her dressing room door, she was on the phone saying, I'm not kissing him. Make of that what you will. Oh, well, that's terrible. Well, I do, and I say stick to your disciplines. It's hard enough out there getting work, love. He shouldn't be taking your jobs. Yeah.

Food out of my family's mouth. No, it's fine. He shouldn't be doing that. That's not... I mean, it seems alright. I don't want him on his fingers. I think he's alright. I think he's alright. I don't know if he's alright, actually. How do we know that? Yeah. And also, if they'd

given me the job, then I would have given my taxes to Our Majesty the Queen queen but i mean they don't well i don't think he's a tory supporter isn't he yeah i'm just saying that's another they don't do much who on the x factor he has doesn't he have someone giving him lines in the commercial yes he has a writer doesn't mean he had to go he had to go at chelisa about a fagash breath yeah that was a bit rude He had a go at Chalisa about her faggash breath last week. That was a bit rude. And she countered back, did you see it? She quipped, she quipped,

well, I'd better lay off the red wine then. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the level of comedy they're working at. That surprised me, because I wouldn't take a red wine in a dressing room before a show if I was about to do something. He admitted afterwards. He said, look, I had a red wine before I had a red wine. It's a high risk drink. If you're going to have a drink before the show,

why would you have one that could possibly give you red wine mouth and teeth? Go for meths in a flask like the rest of us. It's going to be payback time. Some creme de menthe or something. When he's on Miranda, absolutely smashed out of his tree. They might think, we wish we'd had that Scandinavian looking bloke.

That's what's gone on there. They lie as well. I was watching the other week and Louis Walsh said to this person, you are going to be a major international recording star. I thought, that is incorrect. You can't say that to people

in the street. Big issue. Never mind that. You are going to... It's not fair to It's not fair. It's not fair. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Email corner.

Tiny little harmony. That's like the Beach Boys. It's nice, isn't it? We should say to new listeners that that was sent in by a listener. I have one Dear F, A and E Just recently there have been a few emails Slash tweets about old subjects And references from past shows I have one Whatever happened to the Dormouse doorstop Which I think Kath picked up from a church fair Surely this would make an ideal companion For Monsieur Gingham

The email continues But I'd like to pause and wait for answers That was the correct way It wasn't a doorstop for a start off It was a Dormouse Well, the email continues, but I'd like to pause and wait for answers. So much to correct there. It wasn't a doorstop for a start-off. It was a... Door mouse. It was a... That's what they're probably thinking of, aren't they, door mouse?

It was a vacuum cleaner cover in the shape of a mouse. Oh. And it wasn't from a church fair. It was from... See, that's another kind of church mouse. They've got the mouse thing and they just can't let it go. It was from a charity shop. Thank goodness they didn't get round

to the titmouse, the well-known American songbird. Oh, God. That would have been a nightmare. But yeah, the problem is that Monsieur Gingham is about eight inches high and the vacuum cover must be three and a half feet.

It'd all be a bit Bernie Eccleston. Yes. But, yeah, I saw it the other day. It's in a cupboard, obviously, where a vacuum cleaner is. Something terrifying about... What, Mr. Gingham? You open... I mean, obviously, I hadn't seen a vacuum cleaner for some years.

I leave that to our cleaner. But I opened the cupboard, and there was the mouse in there looking dejected. Looking resentful. Looking a bit like James May on Top Gear. Looking a bit like Minnie waiting for that commitment phobe to pop a question. Yeah, exactly. The email continues. Night's move.

If Emily's ever in Coventry. Brackets. One hour, 20 minutes from London, exclamation mark, close brackets. I don't choose partners on the basis of how near London they are. Can I just say that that is a very Coventry thing to say. They would like to advertise how close to London they are, I think, Coventry. Do you think? Big selling point is, oh, we're not as far from London as you think.

That and that it was repeatedly bombed, wasn't it, during the war, Coventry? Oh, thanks for bringing that up. I mean, really. It's a comedy show. OK, Mr. Buzzkill. It was really bombed. Happy to show her the delights of the local precinct. Oh, God.

My wife of three months would probably chaperone. Keep up the outstanding work, that is all. OK. I like that, is all. I still like that. Yeah. Quite nice, Jack. Where did that come from?

I think somebody just put it at the end when you said we liked it. It's good because often on an email someone will say to me, did you get my email about blah, blah, blah, and it was like a second topic on the email. Well, I never go beyond the first. No. Don't you? You think I'm going to sit there

scrolling? No, definitely not. Top Gear presenter James May was Heat magazine's weird crush. Is that right? In 2007. Yeah, strange piece of information, but I just thought I'd share it with you. I heard he was living with Will Young.

Now, I'm not saying that was true, I'm saying what I heard, that might just be talk. Under the brush? Yeah. Over the brush? I think, yeah. I think they were alongside the brush. Neither under or over.

No, I can't remember who told me that. It can't be true. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just tell you very quickly? Of course you can. Last night I was just getting my baby down to sleep and my girlfriend was asleep and I had him in the car

and I was just trying to be all quiet and he started gurgling and he definitely, definitely said, Dada. Oh, that's nice. And then I said, what did you, did you say Dada? I just wanted a reprise to make sure. Did he say, no, you fool? And then he did a less good version of it.

And I thought we can nip that out in the edit. And then I was going, Dad, Dad, Dad, trying to get him to do it again. And I thought, if Kath wakes up now, she'll think how many hours a sleep you're teaching him to say your name first. It was really. But he definitely said it.

It was, oh, man, it was... It's like Albion winning the FA Cup in 1968. Anyway. Except better looking. Hi, Frank M and the Cockerel. I watched Skyfall the other day and couldn't help noticing some scenes set around the MI6 building.

Spoiler alert. Well, I don't know. I think one would be unshocked to hear that. What? If I've guessed correctly, Frank's flat is in view. Is this another attempt by Daniel Craig to undermine Frank after

the stolen cleaner? Does the camera go in, sort of zoom in and show the debris in my dirty old flat? your messy flat and then a cut to a laughing daniel craig thanks sitting there in pants having taken up smoking you're so depressed a laughing daniel craig drinking carlsberg and holding the can specially up to camera see i don't know what it is but do you remember I told you a story that I was posing for a photo once outside the IEV restaurant? Is that Dame Judi?

Dame Judi Dench arrived and said, I thought this place was for celebrities. I don't believe she meant that horribly. Are you sure? What is it about the new generation of Bond people that are out to get me? Can I put forth the argument that perhaps your emphasis is incorrect? And what she actually said was, I thought this place was for celebrities. No, no.

She looked just in her face. She looked like she'd just had a bottle of sarsens, malt vinegar. Lovely. Yeah. I like it. Oh, Frank. Oh, it's put me off a nose.

Do you think when they're in between takes, they just sit around and talk about you? Yeah, it's like neon. Well, you'll be pleased on the they get the Skinner files open. I've got the cleaner. Good work. Excellent work. I love the Bond films. I just can't get on

with the staff. I once had a full fist fight with Lois Maxwell who played Miss Moneypenner. Smashed her really hard in the face. She has sent him out on a mission to steal your cleaner. I love it. Someone's texted, Willow Pool Garden Centre by Lynn.

Great restaurant. That's the garden centre that I was talking about. Oh, really? Yeah, it's excellent. Do they sell erasers? It's really good food. So they do sell erasers, by the way. Someone was saying that...

Oh, the Eden Project. Yeah, because I don't want to diss the Eden Project. Oh, I do. I know you do, because you said it was rubbish. But I mean, I think if they sell erasers, we should make it clear they sell erasers. I don't have many standards on this show. I won't have it said that the Eden Centre doesn't sell erasers if they do. Okay, we've cleared that up.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. As I say this, Michael Parkinson Is on the telly advertising desk So it sounds particularly Oh, here comes the Parker Peck If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise We'll be back again this time next week Thank you very much for listening And we love you all

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio