The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - What's In A Name?

Episode Date: February 4, 2012

Frank is joined by Alun and Holly Walsh with chat about Frank's recent birthday, the royal dog mystery and Heidi Klum's famous last words.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and I'm with Holly Walsh.

Good morning to you. Morning. That's like the cricket. Morning Peter, morning everyone. So I had a lovely conversation about cricket last night. I got in a car and on my way home from a gig I did. I did with the Cockrell, actually. And Pakistani driver, we got talking about the test series in immense detail, stuck in traffic

on a freezing cold night. Like a little bit of the subcontinent inside a motor vehicle. I thought you were going to say what vehicle and I thought you were going to go a bit... Okay, it was a Ford Galaxy. Get over it.

Or was he driving? It was a Ford Galaxy. Have you ever been on Top Gear? No. I've been asked to be the... What is it? Stig? People in Not Ferry.

I'm starting to think Stig might have been Chris Hune's wife. No, I was asked to be stars in something, cars. Stars in their cars? Yeah. I don't know what that is. I don't know what it is, but I hate cars. I do. I drive a car, but I have no love for it.

Do you know what I mean? I get in it. I just like the idea of sitting down somewhere, and then when I stand up again, I'm somewhere else. That, for me, is all a car offers. Your car's your shed, isn't it? We've talked about this before. Yeah, I love that. love the fact the sweets and audio books and stuff but it's nothing to do it would work just as well in a in a small i think if you drive a long way like uh

we're 10 tending to in the uh kind of you go to football i drive to comedy gigs to make me sound like a man of leisure while you're working your guts out. You're not the cold face of the comedy circuit anymore, are you? No, no, I'm in the manor house. Exactly. Father, the men, they're coming up the drive. But you really need to prioritise a comfy seat in your car if you're a high-mileage driver, I think. Have you got one of those bead seats?

No, I use sweat. That's the only beads you'll find in my car. No, I've never been sure about the bead thing. No, me neither. The bead seat. The venerable bead seat cover. Is that what you meant? That's what I meant.

The venerable bead seat cover. You get it. Yeah. I don't like the way it incorporates an early translation of the Bible into English. I think it's inappropriate. I find myself reading it when I'm on the road. So, yeah, we've been... We were... Hold on, that's some alternative openings for the first sentence.

It's multiple choice. So, yeah, I was on... I shared the bill with the cockerel last night. Not many people share a bill with you. I think you usually insist on them paying, don't you? I know where this is going on. I hear it was a bit chippy. You had a pop at me at the beginning.

You believe it. It's affectionate teasing. Is that what it was? I thought this was an example of the mock the weak generation tearing down the old war horse. That's what I thought. I like the fact that mock the weak generation is like the new Pepsi Max generation or whatever.

Yeah, exactly. What was the old one? What was the one previously? So, Pepsi Max. But remember, when I started out in this business, we were all in it together. It was like the Blitz. But now, you know, there's so much rivalry for people hosting children's television and that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. Holly used to host children's television, in case you know.

She's not used to working with real people. I used to work with a puppet. Yeah, who was that? He was a... What was he called? It was called Dunstan. It was a talking brain. It was quite...

Yeah, that's pushing the boats of puppetry, a talking brain. I'm liking the sound of him. I went out with someone who used to do children's television and she was what my mum would call bosty. And unfortunately, every shot of the puppet she worked with was like some grotesque double, sort of two-shot with him and one massive breast.

Well, now they've just got one in for his close-ups. But it's one of the few... It's probably the only job on the planet where massive breasts are a disadvantage. I'd say a professional pot-holing. Tennis. Well, I don't know. If you're thinking of flotation, you might be glad of that.

Female accordionists. This has started. That's quite a lot of jobs. Female accordionists. This is starting. That's quite a lot of jokes. Female accordionists, you're quite right. Male impersonators. I used to, well, I used to bosk as an accordionist, and my big problem was when it rained, which hand to put the umbrella in.

Because if you put it in the squeezy box side, you're wet as often as you're dry depending on the length of the note top tips there you go from frank skinner there you go any accordion playing bosca's listening um get a hat oh yeah but you'd have to be very peculiarly what you really want, you want something that telescopically comes out with the squeeze box, so it covers that when you draw outwards and when you draw inwards. It's a strange old show, this. I'm amazed they've allowed it to run as long as they have.

It's already gone weird today, hasn't it? I like to think it starts weird. Absolute Radio, Frank Skimmer. We've had a text in on 8-12-15, Frank. 8-12- had a texting on 8-12-15, Frank. 8-12-15? Indeed, 8-12-15. OK, let's see what we've got that across now, without having to point it up.

Should we send us any messages? It's 8-15 as well. What a weird time to get a texting at 8-12-15. Now you've confused people. Oh, goodness. Hi, Frank, hope you enjoyed your sweets last night. That's from a gentleman that gave you some sweets. Did you accept to drink some sweets from a stranger? I did, actually, hope you enjoyed your sweets last night. That's from a gentleman that gave you some sweets. Did you accept to drink some sweets from a stranger?

I did, actually, yeah. I did that bravest of all things. I ate fan food. There's a theory that every fan that gives you food has injected it with mercury. But, no, I met two very nice couple outside the theatre, and the lady had gone off to buy me some pick and mix. That was kind of their affection.

Did you escort her to the pick and mix, watch her put it in the bag, and watch her pay for it and give it to you, just so you could be sure? No, I made my taster heat up half of every sweet I had when I got home. I'm like, people never have tasters anymore, do they? I imagine the royals do, don't they?

I bet they don't. I'm going to get a taster. There's probably a gadget for it now, isn't there? They'll probably just wave one of those wands at the airport. I think it would be a fabulous sort of new idea, cool thing to get, a taster. There's probably about me and about three sultans in the world who's got them. And just have them hanging around. How many get a female taster? How many times have you used that phrase in the me and three sultans it's a good question because this has been what i

what my girlfriend calls my birthday week actually doesn't work for me she has a birthday week in which we celebrate every day some way with presents and all sorts of things mine was i had a sort of birthday weekend was what I had last week. It's a very nice thing, because I did it, I'm doing these gigs at the Noel Coward Theatre. That wasn't really a plug, it's the last one tonight. If you weren't coming, don't bother. You know, don't get all last minute with me.

And that's what marketing's all about isn't it announcements but anyway um when i went on for the second half last saturday which was my birthday the entire crowd sang spontaneously happy birthday it was very nice very lovely which version um too frank i think it was english no no they came for the like um because there's very stupid versions of this happy birthday no they did they didn't go happy birthday they didn't do that or um happy birthday they didn't do that happy birthday they didn't do that now that would if they'd have done that i'd have been distressed they did the old-fashioned you know the tune stressed. They did the old-fashioned da-da-da. You know the tune?

Da-da-da. They did that. Someone's got a copyright on that tune, haven't they? Oh, no. That's another 50 pence off the show. There was a tricky moment. We were all getting tense when we were heading towards the name, because I think there was a Frank. Do we make Frank scan a bit

by stretching it, or do we go for Frankie? And some went for Frankie, and some went Frank. And it was a horrible crunching sound also I don't know about you but whenever happy birthday is being sung to me it was sung to me again later that evening in a in a private club and I was naked no it was um Whenever someone sings Happy Birthday to you spontaneously, it takes me about ten seconds to run out of facial expressions. What am I supposed to be doing?

I thought, I'm standing on stage and people are singing. I thought, should I join in? Should I conduct? This is the joy of the smartphone, though. After the first ten seconds, you can just flick through your emails and then come back in for the end of the show. I thought about that, but it seems so cold. Yeah, it doesn't, does it?

It's a cold act. So, no, I weren't quite sure what to do with it. Did you have a cake with candles on? On my birthday? Yeah. Yes, I did. I'm a traditionalist. More than that.

My girlfriend did me a cake. Didn't make it, but she purchased one. But when I went to this club, they brought a cake out. Again, to my surprise. And people in the club who I didn't know at all sang happy birthday. That's because they wanted cake. Yeah, and they all got cake. If you get in on that, you get cake.

They did every... because it was such a massive cake. Everyone in the club... It was the closest I've ever been to the drinks are on me. Is it? And people came over after and said, Oh oh that was lovely cake and happy birthday like i'd like i'd bought their best wishes with confectionery but i was okay with that we used to have a system at school where um like primary school where if it was your birthday you had to bring in the biscuits so it wasn't even like everyone else was celebrating your birthday you had to bring in

the biscuits i think that's still true at work generally the person you mark your own birthday yeah the person whose birthday is has to bring in uh has to bring in stuff a day off if i had a real job on my birthday no that would be you'd be hated if you did that i wouldn't just don't mention it just don't mention it nobody cares yeah but you might get a present that's always worth mentioning oh god you know it's all it swings and roundabouts what was the best present you got this year um well i don't think i've got it wouldn't be right to single out the best or the worst i mean i i received presents of course from the radio team one fabulous thing was a 25 pound voucher for a marxist bookshop in Bloomsbury. Now I want to speak to you about vouchers.

Yeah, but I must say, I'd happily change my politics to save £25. I'm thinking of growing a beard. That's the way it's going. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. What were we talking about? Oh my uh my my voucher for the marxist uh bookshop i'm told they sell other stuff i'm told i'm told there's a there's a there's a fascist annex i saw i walked past the other day and jack d's autobiography was um in it so i'm not sure i don't think he's a marxist um i't know. I've never spoke to him about his politics. He looks grumpy enough.

To be a Marxist? Yeah. To be angered by the socioeconomic complex. Pardon? You got other gifts within the pile, as it were. So the vouchers weren't like the be-all and end-all of the gift. No, no, but I don't want to list my gifts. No, I know, but the reason I want to speak to you about vouchers is, I don't know if you remember, but about three weeks ago,

you said you love getting vouchers. Oh, it's the best gift ever. See, it might be the best gift to receive, because you like it because it flatters your sense of ego about you choosing your gifts better than the person. Well, they're acknowledging that I know myself better. Know thyself, as the Delphiphi oracle advised well that stayed in my head since you said it and my mum's recently had a birthday and i thought i'll get my mum some

vouchers like frank lovely says he loves vouchers and there's a sort of an arty recycling shop near my house that my mum likes and she was coming over i thought i'll get some vouchers so i bought some vouchers from in there but but I got her £100 worth. That's the problem, is that it monetises the gift, doesn't it? Like, if I'd just bought her a bag from a shop, that could cost £100, but she doesn't know. I see. So I give it to her, and she's like,

oh, I can't accept that, Alan, that's far too much money for me to take. I can't take that, that's £100. And I'm just like... Are you the Crankies? My mum's Jimmy Cranky. Did I not mention that before? Why didn't you just say, that's Fandabby Dozie and just accept it?

Well, eventually I managed to, I mean, I had to literally talk her into it. So it was too much was the problem? Yeah, but that's the white half. It's a strange reversal of normal voucher situations where you think, you know what, I'd only spend £ quid on that person and then they see you'd only spent 15 quid

because that's the thing, you know how much someone's spent on you so the next time you buy a present for them, it's got to be 15 pounds or more when usually you would have gone to six. Yeah, I know what you mean. It sets a limit. What they could do is

you could get vouchers that didn't have the price on like um those gift receipts you know the ones where you get where you get a jumper and you think i don't like this i'm gonna take it back but they've given you a gift receipt so you never know how much it's going to be until you take it back and then you're like what it was that much no but if you got like a such a credit card that was blank and that was the voucher then you went into the shop and then you could walk around the shop holding up items. And the people who were working,

they could shout higher and lower. Give you a sorrowful shake of the head. Yeah, it'd be like, play your cards right. Lower, lower, really? Oh. See, some of the pictures in that art shop are like 400 quid. The woman had just been shaking her head. She'd have got a crick in her neck by the end of my mum's visit.

I tell you, if anyone's listening, give me a voucher any old voucher vouchers are like um presents for people who really like money just don't know what to do with it no i'll tell you what it is it's for me it's i will still go into a bookshop and think can i justify spending 7.99 on a book Whereas if it's a voucher, if I don't spend it, then it's going to go nowhere. There's no choice. After some coaxing, she went and got herself some things that she wouldn't normally

have got herself. So in a way, we won in the end. Yeah. I'm all for it. And there is also, there's a website, isn't there, where you can, if anyone gets your gifts you don't like. Oh yeah, I never liked it anywhere.com or something like that. Isn't that just eBay? It used to be, but now it's...

Well, I like the idea. I've always thought if I got married, I would buy a second-hand wedding ring. I've always decided that. I was walking down Hatton Wall once. You know the street in London where all the gold sellers are? Yes. And I saw a man taking a wedding ring back. Isn't he called Hatton Wall once. You know the sort of street in London where all the gold sellers are? Yes. And I saw a man taking a wedding ring back. Isn't he called Hatton Gardens? Hatton Gardens,

yeah, yeah. And this guy was taking a wedding ring back in floods of tears. I just thought, would you want to buy that and then give it on to someone else? I'd have bought that immediately. I'll tell you for why. Have you ever seen The World According to Garp? And a man is buying a house,

and just as they're exchanging the deeds, an aeroplane comes, a small aircraft, lands on the house and tears the roof off. And the man selling the house says, I don't suppose you want it now? And he says, no, I want it more now, because what's the chances of a terrible accident happening to this house ever again?

And that's how I feel about the wedding ring. Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. Where were we? I think we were talking about the world according to Garp, weren't we? Oh, yes. We've had a text in saying that in the world according to Garp, he says the house is pre-disastered.

See, that's fabulous, isn't it? Isn't that good? He says here, I love that, the text, 924. Right, go on, 924. Yeah, he's a fan. See, that's the thing about the listeners to a show like this. It's a case of birds of a feather flocking together. In the end, you get rid of all the chaff.

Separated. Yeah, we just get... What's that other stuff you get when you're throwing away the chaff? Wheat. Oh yeah, I think. Did you know that or was that? No, I did know it. I just thought I don't know, I'm just playing with the whole concept of the wheat chaff contrast.

Well, I've got a game for you if you want a game. Go on. Have you seen that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have adopted a three month old-old puppy. Now, hold on, which ones are they? That's Kate and Wills, isn't it? Kate and Wills, yeah, they're also known,

a.k.a. Kate and Wills. But they've adopted a three-month-old puppy and they're not revealing the name of their pet, arguing that it is a private matter. Arguing, the Daily Mail have put. Like they all went in a room. I quite like this. A little cocker spaniel and they're saying no.

I quite like it because in a way it's sort of everything else about their life is in the public domain, isn't it? If you really wanted to know, you could find everything bar their PIN number, couldn't you? But what an odd thing to draw the line at. It is weird. The dog name. I will not have that out in the public

Well maybe it's an embarrassing one My first pet was What, that working class scum? Yes, scum My first pet was a goldfish called Wum Which I think was because I couldn't say William Or perhaps my brother couldn't say William So it became Wum

W-U-M And even now I feel a bit like... That's delightful. Everyone in the studio's looking at me like, yeah, that is embarrassing, WUM. No, I think that's sweet. Maybe their dog's called WUM. I thought you called it WUM because she used to pierce its tail

and then swing it round on a piece of cotton really fast till eventually it went WUM, WUM. Yeah, we had such a small house, you couldn't swing a goldfish. Oh, God, those were hard times, weren't they? Yeah, we had such a small house, you couldn't swing a goldfish. Oh, God, those were hard times, weren't they? Yeah, yeah. I think they should do... My pet name, favourite pet name of all time, I think I mentioned earlier before,

was from the film True Grit, where John Wayne's cat is called General Sterling Price. And I like the formality of that. And if you want to have, like, a royal pet, I mean, you could call it Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother or Earl Mountbatten of Burma. It'd be nice to have a really formal... Give it a full handle.

Well, my dog is a pedigree dog, and we call her Lucky, but her real name is, like, Witchetty Lacey Moonbeam Goddess or something. So she's got a full handle. I hope nobody now is going to steal her personality that i've said it on there yeah exactly maybe that's why they don't want it in case someone's in a jeweler shop if they took it for a walk and people knew what his name was they'd go like oh oh matt batten or whatever and then the dog would come running over and then they'd have to go get a lead or they could steal the dog yeah dog stealing is quite

common isn't it it is especially celebrity dogs and pedigrees as well so you know they could be thinking well we don't want people to be able to call it in case they then put it in yeah but this is the royal family it's not like they're out there in the open it's just they're constantly surrounded by men with curly leads coming from their ears into their jackets it That did make me laugh when they said it would be good for her because when he goes away to work, she'll have the company, I was thinking, aside from the 50 staff in the house. She'll have a dog, yeah, yeah.

What is it? It's sort of give a bone a dog instead of give a dog a bone. She's quite thin. I think maybe it's called Rosie 47, the dog. That would be brilliant. I always thought... How do you think it's always sad that dogs don't have surnames? I love that, when you give a dog a surname.

I'd like to call mine Elton John or something like that. I'd like to call mine Martin Henderson. Martin Henderson? It's just a name. It just seems like a good dog name. Slightly distracted, because I flick through my mind thinking, who's Martin Henderson? No, you could call him after the royal properties. Clarence House, it could be called.

How many dogs do you think are called Fenton or Benton? Sam. Sam Dringham. Sam Dringham. Valmoral. Bill Morrill. Bill Morrill. Bill Morrill would be a good name for a superhero, wouldn't it?

A man who puts right wrong. Maybe he could be a vicar. The Reverend Bill Moral. He just gives a condescending look wherever he arrives. Anyway, I'd like to know, if you've got any suggestions for what that dog could be called, then I think that would be fabulous. Because you see, when I was a young man,

you can text us on 81215, there used to be lots of dogs called Prince. That would confuse things. Alsatians were always called Prince when I was a kid. Now they're formally Lola's Prince. Yeah, that one that had that big contractual dispute with Bonio. And it is nice that they've got a Cocker Spaniel, isn't it, rather than a King Charles Spaniel.

Apparently they won't even countenance the idea of there being a King Charles in the house. Is that right? Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! Ah, yes, so, have we had any pet names for the... Oh, have we ever. What are they called? The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge is their official title.

Yeah, we can call them Kate and Wills, though. We can go ahead and call them Melona Saturday morning, surely. We've had various people tell us their pet names. Buckhauser, which I think is a pun on Buckingham House, isn't it? It's a really tenuous... Buckhauser. Well, he's texted in, Buckhaouser, Colm Frozen, good luck. Colm? How do you spell Colm?

C-O-L-M. Okay. Maybe that's his name, Colm Frozen. Yeah, he could just say that. Is he a WWE wrestler? I'm out chilly. Oh. Maybe Colm is just his first name, I don't know. And he's frozen.

He's not capitalised the F in case you're interested. He's endeavoured to get all the information in. His dog name, his name, his state of temperature. Maybe he's so cold that he hasn't got the energy or the sort of capability to type. He's slipping away. So it's his last ever message. He's slipping away, Colm.

We should do something. We should send help. Frozen. Well, actually, we could send... The text right above it is from Lee, the recovery driver. Perhaps he can help him. Yeah. My goldfish is called Dog.

That confuses the kids. I bet it does. I bet it does, Lee. You've done it. You've done it on purpose, haven't you? You've got all this ahead of you. You can deliberately call things, like objects, you know, words that aren't,

say, you would call a cup a termite, or something like that, and just keep saying that, and so your kid will always think that a cup is a termite. Like people do with foreigners, as some sort of joke, to make them say rude words to people in the street. But you can do that all the time to your child. Yeah, it's a sort of,

what would have been racist is now just a playful parenting. Well, I moved from Scotland to England as a child, so I had various words that I Yeah, it's a sort of, what would have been racist is now just a playful parenting. Well, I moved from Scotland to England as a child, so I had various words that I mispronounced at school in an English accent. I had some Levi's trainer type shoe things that my mum... Levi's trainers, they? Yeah, yeah. Thank God they're branching out. They were then, it was the beginning of them branching out.

And my mum called them my levies. Huh? So I went into school and oh yeah these are made by levies these just you only need one remark like that in school to be tortured for the rest of your life well i had that and a dead dad so it was pretty much that was it for me wasn't it there was there was no way out of that difficult sorry over to you holly i. Someone's just texted in to say they have a cat called Citizen Shoes. I'm liking that. I like it a lot. Like shoe? Like shoe.

Shoes. No, shoes as in levees. Presumably that's right. Shoes as in levees. Citizen Shoes, yeah. There isn't an index. You know you often see in the paper popular Christian names of the they probably don't call them that anymore popular first names

in England and all stuff like that you never see popular pet names do you? no we used to name all ours after jazz singers all our dogs were named after jazz singers irrespective of their sex by the way so we had Dizzy Gillespie who was a woman and Nellie Fitzgerald we just had a whole load of them they get replaced irrespective of the sex, by the way. Yeah. So we had Dizzy Gillespie, who was a woman,

and Nellie Fitzgerald. We just had a whole load of them. They get replaced. We'd give it another jazz name. Yeah, well, a lot of them are on drugs, so they don't live so long. Or the dogs. Yeah, well, I suppose once they get into the whole jazz lifestyle.

The dogs. Yeah. Did you used to whistle them? Like long, elaborate, rambling, whistling? Yeah, freestyle. Yeah. And the dogs, they're in a beret and shades. Smoking Gullois.

If only life was that simple. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. People have been getting in touch, not so much suggesting names for the royal dog, but telling us their pet names, which is nice, isn't it? I think people are often quite proud of their pet names because they've sort of invented them rather than just dragged them from a general pool. Yeah, someone's...

The way you do with child names. Someone's saying my cat is called W What, W-O-T. What. That sounds like the beginning of an Abbot and Costello routine. Who's on first base? What. Yeah. My cat is called What, What.

Yeah. I have a cat called Mouse, so maybe their dog is called Cat from... Oh, no, it is getting... It's slightly existential now, isn't it? This is just sort of animal cruelty, yeah. I don't think they know, do they? Don't they just respond to tone? If you've got a dog called Tone.

That is the theory. It was Tony originally, but we've shortened it over the years. Who needs two syllables for a... We got an email in from a man called Josh from Australia. So there you go. Far-reaching listeners. And he says, last week we were talking about your gold tooth. Were we not?

Were we? I think we briefly covered it, either on the radio show or the podcast. They all blur into it. Apparently, the reason why pirates had gold earrings was so that if they were to die, they would be able to pay for their funerals. If they die at sea, presumably. I'm sure if they died not at sea.

If they died at sea, there wouldn't be much of a funeral. So it would pay for their funeral, I see. It's like a combination of those too-much-loved daytime TV adverts. Michael Parkinson telling you that you can have a free pen and have money to pay for your funeral and cash for gold, all mixed into one. And, of course, the Admiral Insurance one, which gives it the nautical flavour. It's basically one big daytime TV ad break.

It's a good, interesting fact. It's also given us another interesting fact because uh we were wondering why we have wisdom teeth i think that was on the podcast and whether or not they affected your wisdom yeah and he's put also the reason for wisdom teeth is that they grow in older age to replace the teeth that would have fallen out in times before dental hygiene is that why people get ear and nose hair to replace the hair on their heads? There's gone It's quite an elaborate comb over

I've never seen that done How old is it that you have to start the sort of maintenance of ear and nose hair? I'll tell you off air, people are eating I always thought that pirates had those earrings on very very packed ships

they could be let out on lilos and individually moored. Then you just run the rope through the earring. Or somewhere for the parrot to sit. Yeah, but you need a really big one then, don't you? Or a tiny parrot. Yeah, there probably are pygmy parrots somewhere out in the... We'll look that up, shall we?

We'll find out. Anyway. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran. I'm with Holly Walsh. And you can text us on 8-12-15. Oh, well, that's all the domestic

stuff done now we can relax I've got domestics I'm 37 next week 37 years of age and I'm not sure I'm learning from experience I've quite seriously burned my mouth this week whilst

cooking chilli con carne you know when you're cooking something you sort of taste as you go along? And I never learn to take my time and properly blow it and let it cool down. Oh, that thingy. I never do that. I just go, oh, this is good, and I just bash it in while it's boiling. And then I realise, you know, over the process of making a chilli con, it takes quite a while, it's quite nice and satisfying,

but I end up with a burnt inner mouth. I hate that. The burnt tongue. It's one of those... There are a few, aren't there? The burnt tongue, the paper cut. Oh, yeah, they sting. Some of the unsung heroes of pain.

Have you ever had a spot in your nose? Yeah. That is a bad one. Yeah, and that's... Anything around the nose area, tears are inevitable, aren't they? You go after a spot inside your nose, you're going to cry your eyes out. Yeah. What about... Are you familiar with the stepmother's blessing? No.

No. It's the... It's what my... Maybe my girlfriend has invented this, but you know at the side of your nails, you occasionally get a bit of nail, a bit of skin that catches on absolutely everything. Yeah. And you bite it off.

It's called, so she tells me, it's traditionally known as a stepmother's blessing. No. Why? I think because a stepmother's blessing, it's ironic, it's one of the few ironic old adages in that a stepmother's blessing is a bit of a curse. You know what I mean?

The idea that stepmothers don't like their stepchildren. But they are. See, I always bite it off. You can never bite enough off to stop it catching. I find them. The more you do, the more you need to do it. By the end of it, you've gnawed off two thirds of your finger. Yeah.

I would rather do that than have a stepmother's blessing thing just catching on everything. Is that a medical factor, that you've gnawed off half of your finger? Three-thirds. Right. You can go for a plaster, but if somebody says, oh, what you've done,

and you say, I've got this tiny bit of... then you become a laughingstock. Yeah, I remember once telling John Bishop that I had a stiff leg from driving. And he just looked at me like, what kind of man are you? He's a bit more male than your average comic. He's quite mature

compared to me certainly. I've got loads of things that I should have known better than to do. Like I should have learnt. Are you about to include this show? There's a light switch in my kitchen that I always assume is in another place

that in the dark I go to hit it and then realise it's on the other side but every time I do karaoke I always forget and I always choose to do Man in the Mirror because I think this is going to be great Michael Jackson, everyone's going to love this I always forget the key change

and then it goes on and on and on and then you get to the key change it's the worst karaoke song you could possibly do and i always choose it and never remember i saw an american musician once and he had a a moment like that in the song and he looked at the audience and said i'll gather round for the key change it was he made it a moment i like that i'll tell you what i what i've never learned from i i really find it hard to throw away a biro if it looks like it's got ink in it, even though I can't get it to write. I do that thing, you know, when you go and you write in circles,

in really violent circles, to try and get the ink out of it. Yeah, try and bully the ink out of it. But if I can see ink inside it, I just can't throw it away. Really? So it hangs around, and I keep picking it it up thinking i'll use this biro and then i have to do the big squirrels again sometimes i'll tear through the paper that's how i get emotional attachments to pens and plastic bags especially pens you know you get a pen and you really like using it and you keep using it and then either it rarely it dies more often than not you lose it and i always get a pen and you really like using it and you keep using it and then either it rarely dies, more often than not you lose it

and I always get a bit sad about it. Oh, God, yeah. But then again, one of the worst things in life is those pens that keep sort of blanking out. So you're writing and you come to write a letter and it just doesn't write at all. Then you go away and scribble with it and it's good again. You go back and it won't write.

Do you know that thing? The worst things in life. That's one of the worst things in life. It's like a bad relationship. Try saying levees in a school when your dad's dead. Try that. Well, we're not even... We haven't even covered the third world.

It's one of the worst things in my life. Yes. I'll tell you what I did. Talking about the one song heroes of pain. I used toothpaste straight out the fridge the other night. What? And that was... That... Oh, that was anguish. Why was straight out the fridge the other night. What? And that was, that, oh, that was anguish.

Why was it in the fridge? What do you think? So it didn't go off. Was your tomato puree on the edge of the sink? On the edge of the sink. It's a very hot flat. I'm working on getting my gums nice and red to make my teeth look

whiter. Just like the Gordon Moore's toothpaste of yesteryear. There was exactly that. Bright red toothpaste, make your gums look red. And your teeth, as we used to say in our family, look less yellow. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. 106 has just texted in. I thought a pirate radio station had hijacked your show. Thank goodness it was just the fall.

Good work, team. Marvellous. I'll tell you another habit that I've got that I still don't... I honestly thought this would have stopped by now. I would say perhaps three times a month I get in the bath and realise there isn't a towel in the bathroom. I think it's because there isn't any water in it. That is cold. It's early onset dementia. I get in the bath and realise there isn't a towel in the bathroom? I was going to say, there isn't any water in it. That is cold.

It's early onset dementia. I get in the bath and I just cry. That's the coldest I've ever been, is to get in a bath with no water in it. Oh, man, you can't get any colder than that. What? Why would you do that? That's personal. Oh, OK.

I wasn't on my own. That's an annoying moment, isn't it, when you realise, oh, I'm in now and there's not a towel in this room. Oh, yes, dear. It's infuriating. You know when you're normally so careful about not walking around the bathroom with soaking wet feet, you try and dry them off? Or do you do that thing when you put your feet on the,

whatever that thing is called? What's the thing on the floor that you stand on when you get out of the bath? Bath mat. OK. You put your feet on the bath mat and then you wiggle. You wiggle so the bath mat goes with you across the bathroom. But if I forget something

I just think, oh no, it's gone wrong now. Might as well just get the floor. You might as well not get a carpet and just do that everywhere. You'd just wiggle about on a bath mat. As soon as you get in through the door. Might as well not get any shoes or socks. Just move around the world like that. Well, I just...

I hadn't thought of that. Of course I could have saved myself a fortune. I've popped my bath mat on top of a skateboard and trimmed around it, so I just travel everywhere on a sort of a waterproof... And that posted skateboard. Yeah. I just like the idea of the music playing at night

and me coming out on stage on a bath mat. The audience have to wait while I wiggle my feet from side to side. But that stage will be spotlessly clean by the end of it, so I'm all right with it. I was watching badminton the other day, like professional high-level badminton. Oh, I thought you meant the town. Is there a town?

There's a town called badminton, isn't there? Oh, there's an event? Well, town, event. At the end of the day, what's the difference? And in between... You said West Bromwich. It's a town. It's also an event in my eyes.

Sorry. In between every shot, a man comes out and mops the whole of the pitch. Oh, they bring on a load of paper towels or something, do they? No, no, they come out with a big mop and they just mop it all. On actual mop? On Badminton? Oh, you don't want a wet floor on Badminton, surely? Oh, they bring on a load of paper towels or something, do they? No, no, they come out with a big mop and they just mop it all. On actual mop? On badminton? Yeah, it's like...

Oh, you don't want a wet floor on badminton, surely? Oh, you could sprain an ankle. They really are fastidious about their cleaning. I mean, and in between every, like, game, someone comes and sort of hoovers it. I think they have to be careful. It's like hospitals with the MRSA. I think badminton was hit by avian flu.

See the... Because of the feathers on the shuttlecock really yeah it's quite quite a danger i was in a hotel gym recently and there was another guy who was uh fastidiously wiping down the um dumbbells after he'd used them and i was looking and thinking they're made of steel mate don't worry about it but he's obviously sweated all over them from his hands he's got sweaty palms sweaty palms is quite common you're obviously not a church goer the bit in church when you have to shake hands i always think oh god here comes the clammy everyone does though everyone sits there and goes when i know when the handshake

is coming in mass i start vigorously drying my right hand on my clothes. Like Mick and Bob. But no one else bothers. They're happily hand over a clammy hand. Oh, well, this guy would be gone. I like to put on a white glove, just a single white glove. That's what the Queen does, of course. That's how she avoids clamminess.

Is that true? Yeah, that's why the Queen wears gloves, so she doesn't catch anything. I thought she just was a really good Michael Jackson impersonator. Well, she's not bad. She's not a bad one. She's always stuck in a glass box. Badminton's a small village in South Gloss. Thank you very much.

Made 2-4. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am pleased about it. Let's do the show from there next time. Okay, yeah. Who needs to go to the Edinburgh Festival? We can go to Badminton.

I'm happy. Do we think that's where Badminton was invented in that? A weird coincidence. Well, maybe, yeah. Maybe the local townsfolk attacked a dove in the street one night with sticks. And thus Badminton was born. Maybe. Yeah. I think Badminton was started in India.

Really? Yeah. Well, why would it be called badminton, though? Yes, exactly. Is there a town called badminton in India? I'm going to write a character who has badminton on one shoulder, giving him evil advice, and goodminton on the other. Two small English villages.

And, well, that's the start. I haven't come up with any plot lines Someone just texted in to say their dog is called Minton and he eats shuttlecocks Bad Minton Tim Vinejoke Always the problem with people texting in jokes

85% of them are always either Milton Jones or Tim Vinejoke It might be Tim Vine who texted in Have you thought about that? Ian Chelmsford yeah that's what he calls himself if we look at it closely you'll say it's a pun but i can't i haven't worked it out yeah frank frank frank skimmer frank skimmer absolute radio i read a really good story i saw saw it on Facebook, first of all, and then it became like a... Oh, this is the modern world.

It became like a proper story in the newspapers, so I felt very pleased that I was one of the early ones to see it. Social media. It was the sweetest thing. It's about a letter that was written in to Sainsbury's from like a little... How old was the kid? A three-year-old or something. Is this the little kid with the bread? Oh it's tiger

bread isn't it? So sweet and written in to say that I think tiger bread should be renamed giraffe bread. Tiger bread being sort of like a loaf of bread which has sort of strips all over it. Oh I know tiger bread. Do you? Yeah. You go for the tiger bread do you? I don't often eat it but I've seen it.

Oh. You've never bought it? Yeah. You'd go for the tiger bread, I don't often eat it, but I've seen it. Oh. Well, there you are. Never bought it. I've never bought it, I've seen it, I'm aware of what tiger bread looks like,

and I think she's right, it doesn't look that tiger-ish. So they called it, she said it should be called giraffe bread. Oh. And they wrote in, they went back to her.

And what she means, it's got that sort of crazy paffy look that you get on a giraffe. Mm-hmm. I think it should be called impetigo bread, that's what it looks like. But of course, no one's going giraffe i think it should be called impetigo bread that's

what it looks like but of course no one's going to buy it if it's called impetigo it really does look like impetigo impetigo is a skin disease and that tends to come in those little patches but it's got the same roughness that impetigo i just call it impetigo bread impetigo bread no you see what we've done we've we've come to a compromise and that's how things should be dealt see the child, they only see him black and white it's got to be named after an animal you know what I mean I'm all for the idea

that the bread should look like what it's called take for example nan bread that has that same sort of clammy whiteness and the brown patches that most people's nans have. That's a good idea. But tiger to giraffe, it doesn't have to be one of the big five. My wife gets angry about nan bread,

because apparently in Indian, nan means bread. So it's basically like saying bread bread. Oh. In the same way that people that are interested in koi carp fish get angry because apparently koi means carp. Oh, really? So they're saying koi koi. I once saw on a pub blackboard it said vegetarian chilli con carne.

No way. Con carne means with meat, obviously, yes. So bring up chilli con carne around this way. Yes, even now my mouth's sore. So this is with the burnt tongue. So you call it the burnt mouth, I call it the burnt tongue because for me it's an attack on the taste buds. You can't enjoy anything

once you've burnt your tongue. If I burn my tongue early on in a meal, I'll just give up on the whole meal and just take the thing intravenously because you're not going to taste anything. One of the worst culprits is... I always keep a blender and a hypodermic on the draining board. A hot tomato on a pizza, innit? That's a hidden...

Burn the roof of the mouth. Very dangerous. Is that right? Common hazard. I've really noticed that, but I take the edge off it with anchovies. I don't think that they necessarily take away heat. Well, they don't get as hot as a tomato and anchovy. I don't know what it is.

It's still within a molten capsule of meat, tomato and cheese. Well, look, I can only speak from experience. I mean, don't beat me up about this. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. We were talking about the names for things, and I was saying koi carp means carp carp. Somebody has texted in saying the D in D-Day stands for day. So you are, in-Day stands for day. So you are in effect saying day-day.

I'm not sure if it's true, Benny, but I like the fact you've popped it in. It's like that show Surprise Surprise. You've already said surprise once. If they don't, then there's a danger of just calling a whole programme surprise. I think the second one is to calm you after the initial shock. Surprise! Surprise. Just an echo.

Oh, yeah. Somebody's texted in, pin number, personal identification number, number. Yeah. Oh, this is a whole online seam of foolishness, of repetition. Yeah. Bury, bury the tropical illness. Berry, OK, get over it.

Didn't they sell that in Nando's? Berry, berry. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think there is. It's like some berry, berry sauce. I don't know, I've only ever been to Nando's once. Yeah, right, you've only been once. I hated it.

No, he has. Why? I'm saying it as if I've been with him. I hated it. And I love chicken in all its manifestations. Alan's looking at me like, don't mention Nando's. No, no. been once i hate it oh yes yes why i'm saying as if i've been with you i hated it it was and i love chicken in all its manifestations alan's looking at me like don't mention nando's no no why did you have to bring up our nando's we've talked about the card before you know celebrities try to get the black i had i had the black card for three weeks no way did you yeah and i and my

social life went through the window and then i asked through the nando's window yeah and then i wrote to them say how much I loved it, and they didn't renew it. Why did they give you it for three weeks? Months, three months. Three months? But why? For what?

Just for a treat. They just... I don't know, I got... Yeah, but then you need a voucher for new jeans. Yeah. Because if you're in Nando's every day... It's one of the healthiest food places. OK, look, I've nothing against...

No, I just don't like the idea of celebrities begging for free stuff. Don't we get enough money to buy our own things? True enough. True enough. What? Says the man checking his watch. Yeah, but that was a gift from people I work with. That was an act of love. I went on stage

last night. Bear in mind, this is a 900-seater. And somebody shouted out from the... I didn't even hear what they said, but I found out after. From about row T, somebody shouted out, Oh, new watch? Blimey, what are you watching it with? Field glasses? Elizabeth Duke was in the back row. Who is Elizabeth Duke?

The Argos jeweller. The Argos jeweller. Oh, OK. I wouldn't have known that. I love learning stuff. I now know the name of the Argos jeweller. Someone has said the D&D day stands for disembarkation. Oh, well, now we have a dispute.

Yeah, so 756 is going to take on 389. I've always assumed it stood for damp. Damp day? Yeah, because it was the day that... It was like the landing, the sea landing thing. Like disembarkation? No, just damp. The day the soldiers get a bit... Oh, look, enough of this.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. What else? Did you hear that apparently just before their recent announced separation, Heidi Klum and Seal, you know, they were a couple. Oh, God, yeah. Well, we all know that, don't we? They were a very high-profile couple. They were lovely, yeah.

Seemed to have everything. You all right? What's happened to you? It often goes that way, doesn't it? This is not the Frank Skinner I know. You know, from the outside, you think, God, they just look perfect together. Yeah.

And you never know, you know, what's going on. Well, she apparently, in an interview that's just been released... Heidi Glom, I call her now. Exactly. You've hit the nail right on the head, as my mum would say there. My mum, Jimmy Cranky. Yeah. She used the thumb, didn't she, when she went to get the nail, as my mum would say there. My mum, Jimmy Cranky. Yeah. She used the thumb, didn't she, when she went in the nail,

just for comic effect. That was my mum. She's all about the laugh. Do you remember that Too Ronnie's joke about the Queen? It said the Queen, it was like the Ideal Homes exhibition, went on a short informal walkabout when she used her thumb with an hammer. Brilliant. Funnier than walkable wise, I always suck.

Controversial, I know. Carry on. No, two Ronnies are great. I love two Ronnies. Anyway, Heidi Klum's interview has been released and she's talking about how much she's looking forward to renewing her wedding vows again. Wedding vows. Yeah. Gone a bit German there.

I'm renewing my veding wows. And yeah, she was gushing away about him and then it's come out. See, that's bad luck, isn't it? Yeah, awful. They could have not printed it, can I point that out? Didn't Katy Perry and Russell Brand do a similar, you know, not saying that they couldn't be more happy and then... Well, it's partly the problem of interviews that come out afterwards.

There was also a... I think after the Tiger Woods thing came out, there was a front cover of a magazine with Tiger Woods and Obama, and it was like the ten lessons I would give to Barack Obama by Tiger Woods, and it came out a month after. I think he should be called Giraffe Woods, anyway.

We've got a letter from a three-year-old saying that. He certainly put his head above the parapet. I don't think anyone can... Or was it the parrot pit that he put his head above? This is a zoo thing he did. Yeah, he put his head above the parrot pit. I suspect poor old Heidi Klum is going to now get some terrible drugs problem

and end up working in the sex industry. Oh, that's awful. You suspect? Yeah, that's it. Drugs problem, sex industry. Then she'll write a book called Heidi High, Heidi Ho. Oh, what a construction that was. Yeah, well done.

I mentioned this to the producer, and she was saying that the phrase is putting your mouth on it. That's the phrase. Once you say it... Putting your mouth on it. Once you've put your mouth on it, and that's like you've tempted fate. Why don't you just say tempted fate?

I don't know. Because putting your mouth on it sounds a bit more street, doesn't it? She's very street, the producer. Very street. Word up. Yeah. Whereas our last producer was more Coronation Street. Hello, Emma, if you're listening. And regular producer Emma has gone off to have babies and things.

Babies and things. The trouble is, what is the alternative to that? You have to be optimistic about your relationship. I find generally that women don't like it when I begin sentences, you know, discussing plans, if we're still together. Yes. They don't like that. So you have to be optimistic.

I frequently have morbid fantasies about my divorce and my wife. And other couples look at us when I'm going, yeah, I mean, when I disgrace her and you divorce me, and she's just looking like, oh, he does this all the time. But it's partly my natural tendencies towards fatalism. When I disgrace her and you divorce me and she's just looking like, oh, he does this all the time. But it's partly my natural tendency is towards fatalism. Of course it will go wrong. And within that, there's a weird upbeat thing of, if I imagine the worst, then it's all uphill from there, isn't it?

But if you consider this godless society we live in nowadays, I can't believe that people say to me, oh, don't say that, you know. Oh, no, that's going to make bad luck. so people still believe in some sort of supernatural doodah or maybe it's just that perhaps in in your world uh you're so used to fire and brimstone that you imagine all that stuff all the time and then in the secular society they're like oh we don't do that we're not used to this but maybe it's that i i don't think Heidi Klum talking about their lovely relationship has brought the whole thing down. No. No, they obviously had cracks in the relationship previous to that. Well, they renewed their vows every year.

I can't help but think that that in itself would put a strain on. They must have just been bored. They should just have an annual appraisal, like you do in sort of... It's a sit-down talk at AGM. Yeah, where you renew someone's contract and you just sort of go through the good reasons the good things they've done the bad things they've done it'd be much better to have a sort of parents evening about your about your relationship than it would renewing

your vows just have a powwow i think that's a good idea i think i'm thinking once a week a powwow when you yes when you get together and uh and and just talk about whether it's worth carrying on. That usually happens to me every time I drink white wine. Yeah. Time for the discussion. Yeah, the talk. But it is, it's superstition, the worry you're going to say something and that's going to, you're going to put your mouth on it and then it's going to fall apart.

If you like it then you better put your mouth on it. I don't think that would have been played on Radio One. That's probably another 50 pence out of the show budget. I heard a great superstition the other day I'd never heard before. Hold your breath when you're passing a cemetery or you'll inhale the spirits

of the dead. Whoa! That is a biggie. The idea that their paws are in the air like that P.O.R.E! That is a biggie. The idea that their paws are in the air, like that P.O.R.E. Sounds like a f... No, don't worry. It sounds like someone let off rather than a cemetery. It's disgusting. I can't believe you said that

on Breakfast Radio. A lot of superstitions do start like that, don't they? There's a common sense approach. Could have just been that they were a bit smelly. Yeah. But it's like smashing a mirror gives you seven years bad luck. That is a design fault. I mean, you'd have thought they'd have bought out mirrors since then that don't have that design fault.

Well, that don't break. No, that don't give you seven years bad luck. How the hell does that have? You know, like the new Mirror 3GS or something. I think you can get that. That doesn't have that problem. Yeah, you can get the non-curse mirrors. I've seen them.

Mirrors were the first product with a natural inbuilt obsolescence.'s that's basically what that is isn't it how do you mean you know like we've got ipods now that break after not ipods other other gadgets are available mp3 players we were talking about inbuilt obsolescence the other day weren't we was it yeah we were about the toaster i never stopped talking about it was my birthday so i started talking about him built up. I like the way you never put an H in birthday. What do I say then? Birthday. Do I? Birthday.

Do I? Happy birthday. You're a big fan of Sesame Street. You've completely made that up. It's my birthday. I once did the Glee Club in Birmingham with Mickey Flanagan and the whole audience kept laughing because he can't say Birmingham. He kept going, it's nice to be here in Birmingham.

And he just kept doing it, not realising why people laugh. Birmingham. Yeah, I tried that at the Glee Club in Birmingham. I got nothing. Can't work it out. Are you familiar with the... My mum always used to tell, and I can't quite remember out are you familiar with the um when my mum always used to and i can't quite remember this but i bet our listeners can that if you had a an ornament that

an elephant ornament in the house right or or a painting of an elephant or something like that in the house people when i was a kid houses were crammed with ornaments of all kinds there was no there was no spare space. You just put ornaments on it. And it was one or the other. If an elephant's trunk was raised, it was bad luck or good luck. I can't remember which one. You had to have them either with their trunks down,

if you'll pardon the expression, or trunks up. One was unlucky and one wasn't. But if it's an ornament, it's stuck like that. I know. So you just didn't have an... When you were buying your ornament, you thought, well, I can't have that with a raised trunk, that's bad luck. Well, then, why would they ever sell one with a raised trunk?

Because not everyone knew. It's a pearly fake tree. So the fools, fools were buying very dangerous bric-a-brac, elephant-based bric-a-brac. Yeah. That would be a present you could give to your worst enemy. Yeah, it would, yeah it would yeah i love this elephant we had a big argument at work i spent the whole afternoon looking for a raised trunk

elephant uh model it was and that's maybe what happened to heidi klum seal gave her a present with an elephant with his trunk up and she thought this is something this means something or a seal what about thatals don't have trunks. Well, they do at our baths. It's a Presbyterian swimming bath. Not even for marine creatures. Oh, it's strict. Look, we can't go on like this.

It's getting out of hand. Not the Weekend podcast is available to download from Wednesday. That's a completely different show made especially for you. Next is Mark Crossley and once again our time has come. And look, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't

rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Ta-ra a bit. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.