The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - When Franks away..

Episode Date: February 16, 2013

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Guess what? I'm not Frank Skinner. I'm sick of living a lie. I'm going to come clean for once and for good. I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank this morning because he's indisposed. I think it's the Black Death. I'm not sure what it is. I actually think he's had that nor-ephron virus thing. So we love you, Frank, and we wish you well. But Alan Cochran

is also... I don't know if he's indisposed. I think he's on tour in Afghanistan with Jane MacDonald was what I last heard. But I do have two rather handsome replacements this morning. I have Steve Hall. Hello. And I have Matt Ford. Good morning. Good morning, boys.

Can I say hello, boys? Yes. I don't know if Kirstie Walk starts her interviews like that. In a sort of Eva Herzogover kind of tribute. Hello, boys. It feels a bit like, you know when they have an episode of Dallas and the entire cast is just replaced overnight with that explanation? That's kind of what's happened this morning.

This is officially the best spoken this show will have been done in many years. I won't have you say that about Birmingham's. How dare you? It's more the Cochrane, it's more the Huddersfield thing. Yes, this is true. Or the Murfield thing. But I have to say, Steve, you have had a sighting of Frank this week. I have seen Frank. I can confirm that he is alive.

I was making him sound like John Darwin Canoe Man here. But no, we're not suggesting he's lying. He is ill. It's just convenient that, you know, a vacancy opens up for Pope and one of Britain's more popular Catholics. I think he's working on his CV. That's my theory. We were wandering into our shared management company,

the Delightful. Oh, at the same time? He was leaving and I was arriving so I was walking down the road near him and I'll be honest, he did look a bit peaky. Did he? And I thought that might just because he's 56. Oh, his back's hardly

being turned. But he had that troubled look when someone walks down the street, the troubled look but it's a look. Just Matt, FYI, he often has the troubled look. I see the troubledI, he often has the troubled look. I see the troubled look. I often give money to it. I start to feel bad.

But it's the troubled look, particularly the troubled look of someone leaving our mutual management agency. It's a troubled look of someone who's just seen an Edinburgh budget or something. It's the look, that troubled look, that usually says, what has Stuart Lee said this time?

And I was just about to say hello to him. Oh, yeah. And then I realised at the last possible second that he was wearing headphones. I like, this has all gone a bit when were you when Kennedy was shot? I'm enjoying this. And, yeah, at the last possible second, so I just

went, alright, Frank. Oh, that's nice. What did he say? He didn't notice because he had headphones in. That's the most mortifying thing I've ever heard in my life. I did it a bit too late. And I realized, because he looked a bit troubled, I thought, if I grab his arm, it's going to look like a low-level mugging. It's a bit ABH, that, I find.

When I'd arrived at Labrador Grove Tube, for those who don't know what I look like, I'm a spectacled man of Semitic extraction with a beard. And when I passed through Labrador Grove, someone went, all right, David, where's Frank? Wow. And so I'd worried. That was playing in my...

That was Stato. So I'd worried that if I stopped Frank, he might go, all right, Dave, you look well. That's horrible, though. When you run into someone and they don't recognise you, that happened to me with Got Kwan once. Which way was it? Would he say, I only know you naked?

How dare you? I was in a private members club and I said, Gawk. And the difficulty with that is you can't pretend you meant to say someone else. Because obviously there's only one Got Kwan, as I believe they shout on certain terraces the world over. And he just, he sort of, I said Gok, and then he sort of blanked me. It was awful. Oh dear.

Yeah. So I, you know what, guys, I'm not going to lie, I felt broken. Well, in a situation like that, it's all about the confidence. More Gok Kwan in a bit. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean standing in for Frank and I have Matt Ford and Steve Hall in the studio with me. There's already been a bit of laugh blossoming this morning because Matt Ford said of Adrian Hyatt Adrian Hyatt the newsreader

walked in and Matt Ford Matt Ford, whoa, whoa, ref! Matt Ford said, nice looking lad. That's a clean living. He looks like the man who takes The Guardian, I'm guessing, watches a lot of 4OD and would wear flip-flops to a local supermarket, doesn't eat at chain restaurants. There you go. That's Hyatt in a nutshell. You had me at 4OD.

He just looks like a nice guy with nice opinions. Well, we'll let you know how that one plays out. I was rather obsessed by a news story this week, boys. I'm enjoying this boys thing. It featured Ken Barlow. Are you familiar with his work? I certainly am, yeah. He's actually called William Roach, but he's one of those people who's forever destined

to be just known by his character's name. Like Boone. Do you remember him? Michael Elphick? Quality with Neil Morrissey. It was filmed in Nottingham.

Wow, that's a lot of stats. It was a wonderful series. In fact, Mr Matt Ford, Nottingham is very close to his heart. Oh, lovely. I played Knocker Door Ron

on Michael Elphick's trailer when he filmed at a windmill. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It got really annoyed at me. The windmill detail's important. Knocker Door Run, it's acceptable elsewhere, but not in a windmill. That could take your head off.

If I stick my head out the door and that windmill takes my head off. It is a bit like Tosh Lyons in The Bill as well. That was very sad. He passed away, sadly. And The Sun sun did i sound sincere i hope so the sun ran a headline wasn't it something like taratosh or something very disrespectful he had he had a name give the man a name anyway ken barlow i'm still calling him ken barlow as above so barlow he yes very good this is what happens when you work with comics. Not that I'm suggesting

Alan and Frank aren't comics. Um, Ken Barlow has dumped his girlfriend. Pfft. Nothing. She was too good for him anyway. Let's, let's say it like it is. Oh Matt, she was no Adrian Hyatt. Yeah, but she was way better than him. I don't, I'll, I'll put this on the record now. Go on. Bill Roach is not my cup of tea. Oh, there you go. It's remarkable, isn't it?

Because Bill Roach is 80 years old. That's a brave age. How do you dump someone when you're 80? Yeah, but he's a roach. I mean, he lived for years and survived the nuclear holocaust. What you do is maybe they steal the keys to your mobility scooter is what happens. But I do think it's kind of an undignified thing to do when you're 80. I don't think you can dump people when you're 80.

I don't even think you can have a girlfriend when you're 80. I think you can only have a girlfriend if you wear a hoodie and you text people smiley emoticons. That's girlfriend. Well, if you're 80, you don't dump anyone or anything. If you don't dump someone, you accidentally drop them. They slip out of your hand and you feel slightly embarrassed. I can't believe this.

80 is the new 70, for God's sake. You heard it here first. He should have a campaign a bit like Don't Hassle the Hoff. I'm going to start a campaign, Don't Reproach the Roach. Don't Bill the Roach. He will not pay for dinner. The oddest thing about it he also did you read his reasons for the split he said and i've heard some excuses in my time no i really have

matt had some excuses in my time but he said um i want to concentrate on my spiritual path i don't like the sound of his spiritual path i think he could be a bit of a filthy creep yeah well again at his age i hope his spiritual path is appropriately gritted in the cold weather i hope he has those snow chains on his boots well it said the quote i read was that he said he wanted he told her that he wanted to explore a mystic message of love which i imagine that her next response was i'm not into that that's disgusting whenever someone splits up with you and uses the phrase i want to explore that's never generally a good sign only appropriate for sir ranulph finds no one else she said also she said um we always knew 2012 would be a big year for him i don't

know what that meant that was to do with the mystic message of love or something like that that was that maybe that was what the mayan calendar was actually predicting the 21st of december 20th hill bill roach is going out in search of some tail this is frank skinner absolute radio have we heard from the outside world oh frank says that makes that. Makes me miss him. Oh. We barely even knew him. That was an awkward silence. You both took that a bit personally, and I'm sorry for that. It's OK. We have indeed heard from the outside world.

Amanda Taunton has emailed, Has Frank got the man flu? Men are such wimps when they have the man flu. Chin up, Kath. Two kids in the house for a couple of days. Oh. So there's a message of support. She's suggesting that Frank is somehow juvenile as well, as well as

Baby Buzz. And meanwhile we've had a text from 534 who said... Does Matt know? I don't think Matt knows, yes. Can you tell Matt? Basically because sometimes people don't, they neglect to put their name sometimes and so obviously we can't read out their full phone number.

Sure, sure. They used to. Apparently there were a few problems. Dappy. So we just... So we just refer to them by their final three numbers. OK. It's a bit like the film Scum.

Oh! 4737 Carling, sir. Yeah, it's a whole prisoner thing we've got going on here. That's quite nice. So 534 has texted in, V excited to wake up to Emily's NW tones. I presume that's London, your postcode. I don't know.

I did wonder if it meant nice wedges. Oh. Just a compliment on your shoes. Thank you very much. I'll take the compliment. 534 continues, I'm anticipating swathes of the male population to be decried as filthy creeps forthwith.

Yes, they will be. Keep listening. Why would they be called filthy creeps? Because that's my catchphrase, Matt. What, about men? Yes, in general. No one warned me that you were this sort of person. Well, I am this sort of person.

And you've been lusting after our newsreader, so don't get on the high horse. our newsreaders. I've been lusting after them. These are horrible lies. I called him right. He's a nice-looking lad. He is. We were talking about pensioners earlier on, weren't we? Indeed.

We were talking about Ken Barlow. And he's not the only pensioner that's been in the news. Yeah, but you can't call Helenen mellor a pensioner oh okay why can't i she's elevated she's she's of different stock was she was she 67 so she's uh she's sort of ageless isn't she she's just sort of her eternal woman but she's dyed her hair pink isn't she and good for her oh okay whoa whoa whoa yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah don't you did you like it it was a little bit sort of, you know, I might have been intimate with Russell Brand,

that kind of hair colour, isn't it? You know what? I hope she has. I've got a real thing. I'd sort of... I really hope that they have, because I think there's such a powerful message there about people and personality.

I got quite... Because she looks great. It's a tricky thing. I think she looks very nice. She does at the same time look a little bit like the old toilet roll holder at my nan's house. That's out of order, mate. It was the dress at the BAFTAs.

It was a big puffy white dress and then the pink hair. I got confused on the coverage of the BAFTAs. All I heard was Helen Mirren pink hair, red carpet. And I thought she hasn't dyed that as well. She said that she'd been inspired by a contestant on America's Next Top Model. But I was surprised that was her

viewing choice, because I thought she'd be a bit more Hetty Wayntrop Investigates, if I'm honest. She's a modern woman, Helen Mirren. Or Rosemary and Time, maybe. She watches all sorts. She'll be watching Soccer Saturday. Oh, I'd love the idea of Helen with a bit of Soccer Saturday. You should see her in the film Shadow Boxer with Cuba Gooding Jr.

Gets it on with Cuba Gooding Jr. in the film Shadow Boxer. Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren and Cuba Gooding Jr. Will be attractive until the day she dies. Even if she dies at 150. Wow. Well, that is a big call. That is a big call for the cover of FHM.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think it's time, Matt and Steve, to visit one of my favourite places. Are you familiar with this, Matt? It is... Email Corner! Ooh, it sounded like a song off The Darkness' second album.

It's lovely. Do you know, you're right. There is damning with faint praise. It's a great album. Who wants to kick off Email Corner? No, I'm going to choose. I choose Matt. Oh, and this is... I've got an email here from someone called Matt.

And it starts with... It's an extraordinary coincidence. Oh, but this is Matt in Toronto, not me. Oh, okay. It says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Alienated 66% As a podcast listener, I've heard Frank's view of our current England manager as a cultured and philosophical

sage. I wanted to add some supporting evidence that came to me this week. I was on the phone to my mum in London. She was telling me about a trip to the Royal Opera House on Monday to see Tchaikovsky's Eugene Wongin, who was sitting there owl-like a few rows back from mum, but the great man himself. This impressed me, not least that my mum recognised him, but that our national coach is indeed a man of culture. This surely bodes well for the future. That is all.

Matt in Toronto. Well, I have to say, that's a superb sighting. That's delightful. Matt in Toronto will be furious. Technically, it would be Eugene Onyegin. Eugene Wongin. Eugene Wongin. He's got more of a...

That is a brilliant... We need to write an opera called Eugene Wongin. About a guy who gets loaned on the last day of the transfer window. Yeah. And Eugene Wanjin comes into Queen's Park Rangers. That almost sounded like your impression. I'm going to interrupt Email Corner just to reveal... Understandably so.

I can exclusively reveal. Matt did something this morning which I'm not going to lie, it gave me stirrings. He did an impression of George Galloway. And not only is it good, but it's slightly alluring. Would you agree, Steve? It's fabulous. Could we have a little burst, please?

Would you like me to say anything in particular? Just say, oh, that bit when he says the word traduced. I love it when you do that. You traduced my name on the international stage. You presumed me to be guilty before you brought me here. And might I say to you, Matt in Toronto, and those of you and your ilk that hold these prejudices against people with different creeds.

That was going somewhere very bad. You interviewed George Galloway. Did you really? Matt runs a live night in which he introduces, he interviews various political figures. You just wanted to say traduces again, didn't you? Yeah, it's called the Political Party. So I do topical stand-up in the first half

and then I interview a political heavyweight in the second half. And I had George Galloway do the first show and I got to know him because we both did shows on Talk Sport together, and I asked him, because of his age and because he's so left-wing, I said, oh, George, I don't quite know Labour. I said to him, oh, have you drifted right in your old age? He said, no, I haven't, but you've drifted right since the last time I saw you, and that was a week last Wednesday.

Oh, he's quick, that Galloway. Did you talk about Big Brother with him in the interview? No, I didn't. I didn't think there was much to say about Big Brother. He was very keen to talk about Iraq, but, you know, it's not really comedy gold. No, not many laughs in Iraq, I hear. So I moved it to lighter subjects, but he was fascinating.

And he's got a lovely... There is something, buddy. Ebenezer Scrooge left the house. He could read anything, couldn't he? We need to get you doing that voice doing Fifty Shades of Grey. That would be the audiobook hit of the year. The story of George Galloway's beard. I'm happy to listen to it all morning, frankly.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Staying in email corner. We've had an email from a very angry... Can I say that was so elegantly done?

You would never have known it wasn't the jingle. As you were. Did we save PRSV? I don't know if you do or not. We've had a very angry email from Lenny from the block who slightly blunts his eye out with a pun. Lenny has asked the block, who slightly blunts his eye out with a pun. But Lenny has asked the question, why do people in office situations run briefly and marginally faster than walking when late for meetings

and or retrieving paperwork from desk or printer? Same run is seen when a taxi is flagged down and people do the jog in disgusted inverted commas in his email there. The jog for a couple of seconds en route to jumping in. He then follows up with pointless token gesture. Garbage. He's really ramped up the righteous indignation for the final bit of that email. I like that his payoff I've just seen is that be it.

Excellent. I have to say, I feel Lenny's pain, though. I hate it when people run in offices. Because I don't know if you know, Matt, but I'm not doing this. I work in fashion. And there's a lot of running around in offices in five and a half inch heels. And they're always running down. And it's always things like, why are you running?

You're not a surgeon. Surgeons are the only people that are allowed to run on the job. But you say, why are you running? But they'd be running with scissors, wouldn't they? Oh, yeah. Yes, that's true. But you say, why are you running? But they'd be running with scissors, wouldn't they? Oh, yeah. Yes, that's true. But yeah, very skinny models in high heels. There's a lot of broken bones.

It's a potential death trap. But that's not running, that's tottering. Yes. And that's different. Running, see, the thing is, the running is an important gesture because it says, I know I'm late, so I'm just showing you

that I think this meeting is important, even though I am late. But it's never a meeting. It's always, I was just seeing if Lou Castor wanted to have lunch. Yeah. Or I was picking this up from the printer. Who? Lou Castor. You're going to have to get used to my world, Matt.

Is that someone's first name, or is that Louis Castor? No, that is someone's first name. These are the kind of people I know. Lou Castor? Yes, it's a name. What? It sounds like where there'd be a regional horse meet once a year, running in the 345 at Loucaster.

Sounds like a fictional town from a Northern Radio 4 comedy. Well, you know... I feel it's quite sweet when they run, because it's like they're panicking a bit. It's like their feet have a panic attack. Yes. And that's the only bit of their body, and so they end up... It's like an're panicking a bit. It's like their feet have a panic attack. Yes. And that's the only bit of their body, and so they end up, it's like an inadvertent Bruce Forsyth tribute act.

They do a little dance. We're not going to get a better description than that, I don't think. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're still in email corner. We are. We're not going anywhere. We've started squatting in email corner. It's great.

Not like that. It's a very nice image. We've got an email from Dave from Merfield, which is indeed the hometown of the Cockerel, as he correctly points out, and he's written, Dear Frank the Cockerel and Emily, I was just reading an article

regarding the upcoming new series of The Voice on BBC One. I love The Voice. I'm just putting that out there. I love The Voice. BBC One. I love The Voice. I'm just putting that out there. I love The Voice. Are you a fan of The Voice? I loved The Voice. I no longer love The Voice. What happened, Matt?

Round two. Was there a voice-based incident in your life? I thought it was good when they couldn't see them. And I don't like that Irish bloke. You know what? I never loved it. If I'm going to be honest, I don't know why I was ever going out with it in the first place. When you talk about that Irish bloke... I thought going to be honest, I don't know why I was ever going out with it in the first place. When you talk about that, I was there.

I thought it was fit, and it wasn't. Do you mean the man that they basically found in a pub? He's a pillock pretending to have a personality. He's just doing an impression of a person. Wow. I mean, that's really bad, isn't it? People are looking at me shocked. I'm sure he's a lovely guy.

I'm sure, you know, he pays his taxes and he's nice to his grandma, but there's something... He just doesn't tickle me in the way that other people do. Like old Hyatt, I'm sure. You know, he pays his taxes and he's nice to his grandma, but there's something... I don't... He just doesn't tickle me in the way that other people do. Like old Hyatt, I believe. He doesn't grab me. Okay. Well, I've picked the wrong email to read out then, if you're not a fan of The Voice, but he mentions

the Irish bloke in his email, but I'll cut to the chase. He says... He's always the Irish bloke. No one ever names him. No one knows his name. I'm not sure what he does. Well, he's the Irish bloke, isn't, but I'll cut to the chase. He says... He's always the Irish bloke. No-one ever names him. No-one knows his name. I'm not sure what he does. Well, he's the Irish bloke, isn't he? Wasn't he in Billy Elliot? No, that was someone else. That was another Irish bloke. Anyway, Steve. The Irish bloke sounds like it's a tribute band.

There was a band called Bloke. The Irish bloke. Anyway, Dave from Merfield writes, the reason why I'm emailing is the article goes on to say, he'd been reading an article about The Voice, and he said it goes on to say that rumoured to be appearing in the new series is none other than Cleo Higgins of girl group Cleopatra.

What, coming at you? Now, we discussed this on the show when I was on a few weeks ago, Matt, and we'd been very worried. Frank was particularly worried, as Dave points out, what had happened to Cleopatra, and he requested that readers contact them if we knew of their whereabouts. Oh, that's good.

We should say Frank calls our listeners readers. That's nice. Why he does this, I don't know. Traditional. Yeah, there you go. I'm glad Cleopatra have been found. I like the way they speak. Was that the one where one of the girls would always sort of say,

Come on with the baseline flex. I always wondered if she talked like that all the time. Go into the shops for some milk. It's good news to hear this. I like the fact that they're thinking, obviously, coming at you is the thing that was remembered, which could also have rhymed with Thatcher, so that could have been an early Tory manifesto in 1997.

Margaret Thatcher, coming at you. I also like that one of them is obviously called Cleo, so does that mean one of them is called Pat? Pat. Which is a little bit Coronation Street, isn't it? That's not a very rock star name. Her full name is Cleopatra Madonna Higgins. Shut the front door.

That is not her name. And Cleo Higgins is dangerously close to my porn star name. My porn star name is Coco Higgins. Oh, my God. Steve Scott Sleazy. Stephen Hall are coming at you. So she was named after an ancient god, a pop star and a snooker player. Yeah, she was born in 1982 when Hurricane Higgins was in his pomp as well.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. well frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio you're listening to frank skinner on absolute radio whoa whoa no you're not au contraire you're listening to emily dean and i'm standing in for frank skinner on absolute radio i'm joined by matt ford and steve hall and we have indeed received a text from Will587, who, Will writes, just finished putting shoes on a horse, now in my van to hear your three funny voices

making me laugh after a stressful week. It doesn't sound very stressful. All he has to do is put a couple of shoes on a horse. He hasn't said that they're horseshoes. Exactly. He's a sick man. Well, that's why it's so stressful. Have you ever tried trying to put Doc Martens on a pony?

It's a tricky... It's a hideous bestiality version of Cinderella and this pervert's texting us while he's doing it. We've learnt quite a few things about Will in that one text. We've learnt that he has a horse. We've learnt his prisoner name, 547. He's got a horse and a van. So he may be in the butchery trade

quite possibly oh dear dear dear thank you very much for contacting the show I'm sorry we've been so unpleasant about you where there's a will there's a nay oh fabulous you see end the show now

two hours of dead air this is what happens when you work with proper comics never mind all that. That could be your catchphrase. That could be my P45. That's another story. I'd like to talk, we've been talking about pensioners behaving badly. Helen Mirren,

Ken Barlow. What about the Pope? The Pope has walked, I have to say. I feel terrible discussing this story. It's taken a long time to do that. Well, Frank's indisposed. But this was Frank's big moment.

His holiness has resigned, and Frank's not here to discuss it. So we have to be respectful about this. But we don't have a Catholic on board. Well, we do. I'm a confused mix. I am racially Jewish, but I was baptised and raised Roman Catholic. Really?

So I'm pretty much halfway between Badil and Skinner. In that respect. Not the first, I'm sure. Let's not go down that memory lane. The 90s were a great time. So what do you think? Oh, well, then we don't have to call the Vatican. I was worried they might charge us.

I thought it might be one of those 0898 numbers. Well, it's sort of because I don't consider myself religious anymore, but it's a bit like a footballer not celebrating when they score against their old club. Right, OK. I feel like I can't be too disrespectful. No, you can. He's not going to do anything, is he?

Well, he's, you know, the gaffer, you know, at the end of the day, the gaffer did well, he cared about the team, but, you know, if the results aren't there, you know, he's done the right thing and he's moved on. He was, I mean, he was, in football, it was like Alex McLeish. His departure was on the cards from day one.

He was never going to stay. It was like Alex McLeish. He was too old when he came into the job. Also, whilst we're using the football analogy in relation to the Pope, can I say, boys, I noticed, I'm a big fan of the Pope's fashion, we'll get on to the red shoes in a minute, but he had a white zip-up anorak over the sort of cardinal robes, which is a little bit Arsene Wenger.

You know how they'll wear an anorak over the suit, over the formal clothes? Yeah, like a poplar jacket. Yes! Oh, I was a big fan of that. I thought it was good. It's always the tricky thing for a religion that is traditionally fairly against gay people. They don't half-dress fabulous. The problem is now, they've got to find a new one, but in the meantime, they're going to have to get a supply preacher.

Just to cover the gap. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner,, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about the Pope here on Absolute Radio. He's walked. There's no easy way of saying it. He's talked. Yes. Well, let's hope he hasn't talked. I'm rather sad. I was fond of old... Was it Benedict?

Yeah. I think that was his name. And we're discussing who might be stepping into his little red shoes here. Daisy, the producer, was saying earlier, she'll often come out with a little bit of a controversial opinion. She said, 77, that's a bit old to take on a job. That's what she said. Well, I mean, it's optimistic, but at the same time,

the previous, John Paul II, he carried on doing the job for three years after he died. I think the next Pope should be a Muslim. Okay, controversial viewpoint on Absolute Radio this morning. My money is on Peter Codwell, a pyroturkson. Yes, the Ghanaian candidate

of the Pope. I was talking about one of Gwyneth Paltrow's children there, sorry. iPod. Yeah, slight confusion. He sounds a little bit high-maintenance though, doesn't he? Well, he's one of the favourites. He's nine to four. He's even older than the last guy. He's no Cardinal Mark Uwe, though. Yes. I wasn't sure how you pronounced his name, the Canadian candidate.

I've been pronouncing it as Mark Oulette, just so that I could go Mark Oulette the dog. I don't know that I worry about a Canadian as a Pope. It's a little bit... They're a bit... Hey, let's get a brewski and hockey sticks. That's not right. Blessed are the peacemakers, eh?

It'd be nice to have an English-speaking Pope, though, wouldn't it? Sounding a little bit racist there. No, not at all, because we need a proper British Pope in the Vatican City. We need to get a Britain in the middle of Italy. We should have a British Pope. You know, we should. We didn't get the World Cup, so let's have the Pope.

It's only fair, isn't it? Oh, standing there with a bulldog, maybe. There's nothing wrong with a bulldog. OK. Well, because with the Ghanaian, Turkson, he might be the first ever black pope. I quite like, because Ratzinger, Benedict, was known as God's Rottweiler. And we may now have a black pope.

And God's Rottweiler and black pope are awesome heavy metal band names. The heavy metal community would have to up their game to match the Vatican City. I do like the idea of it being a sort of Pope Idol competition, though. Yes, it's a good idea, though. Because they have a strange system. Do they blow smoke and then someone says,

Accepto? I believe... Ooh! Yes, I believe that's what happens. It's a very Harry Potter themed... Yeah. Yes, it is very Harry Potter. I don't remember any scene in Harry Potter

when there was a blowback and someone said accepto. It sounds like a house party. Are you going to miss him though, the Pope? Well, he was a controversial figure. It's always tricky given his past.

You don't really miss the Pope so much. You don't really ever get to know the Pope in the way you do. I'd quite like to see him on Ellen DeGeneres or something and really get to know him, see him doing some body popping. He might do the chat show circuit. I'd love it if he did that. He might do Jeremy Kyle.

That'd be much better if he did Jeremy Kyle. Or Oprah. Get him on, Kyle. She'll go easy on him, just like she went easy on Lance Armstrong. She'll let him weep in a sky blue shirt and that'll be the end of it. Get him on Kyle, tear him to shreds, get lie detectors, plug that man in. If he goes on Piers Morgan though, he will

cry. Don't give any more exclusives to Piers Morgan. Don't let that man have the oxygen of air anymore. Oh, you're not a fan of Piers? Well, I'm a fan of some of my peers, but not of him. Oh, decent pun work there. But not of him. Oh, decent pun work

there. But not of him, no, no, no. I want to see the Pope go on I'm a Celebrity. I want to see a bush tucker try. Exactly, yeah, let's just absolutely devalue the office of the Pope. Well, this wouldn't have happened if Frank was here, I think. No, I think we can be confident of that. Frank, if you're listening, sorry!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Matt, you were looking through the papers and you started talking about Michelle Collins and I thought I'd been transported back to 1997. Great year.

Michelle Collins, this is weird because we talked about Helen Mirren already and then Michelle Collins. Two of my favourite women, and I mean that. Michelle Collins' daughter hacked into her Twitter account, pranked her, started tweeting about her, saying that she had bad breath. Collins didn't see the funny side of the prank, deleted them all. Yes. And I thought, you know, it reminded me of a lot of the childhood pranks that I would play. Obviously, I didn't have Twitter back then.

You strike me as a bit of a prankster, Matt, if you don't mind me saying. I once gave soap as a sweet to a teacher. And she had it on the bus when I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I chopped soap up into... I can remember her name as well. And I remember... Can we name a chamber?

I'll tell you why. I was drawing a picture of animals in the jungle. This is primary school, right? I didn't know how to draw pecs, and she thought I'd drawn a monkey with boobs. Are we allowed to say that, Daisy? And Neil started laughing and said, he's drawn a monkey with boobs.

I said, I don't... I was seven. I didn't even know what pecs were, but I just... You were in a chenty. I was just drawing a chest piece. I didn't know what it was called. And it was a male monkey anyway, because I'd drawn other bits on it,

so that was clear. Okay it was a male monkey anyway, because I'd drawn other bits on it, so that was clear. Okay. She really laid into me, and I thought, right. So I chopped up a bar of soap. What's so bad? This is the first time I've ever spoken about it. Even my mum doesn't know. This is kind of like therapy

for you. That laugh you did there made you sound like a monkey. Made you sound a little unhinged. And I warmed to you even more. I cut this bar of soap into thick and I told her that it was sweet. And I waited like a couple of weeks later and said, Oh, miss, I brought some sweets for you. And she said, Oh, that's very kind of you.

Did you see her eat it? No, she had it on the bus on the way home. So the following morning she was like, I need to have a word with you about the sweet you gave me. Because I started foaming at the mouth. There is a fine line between pranking and poisoning someone. Did you say it's not my fault you didn't get your rabies shots? I said, I'm really sorry, miss.

You know, I was really quite annoyed. What excuse? I was in a bad place. You were seven. I knew I shouldn't have washed my face with that milky bar. But the thing is, she needed to be told. I don't like the way you slapped your hand as you said that. I did something worse than that. Oh, dear. I went, oh, this is terrible.

Can I say this on commercial radio? Daisy's going to have to interrupt if we get taken off air by our sponsors. But I went to the bathroom in a cup and I gave it to my babysitter, Mrs. Lion, and I said it was apple juice. Wow. How old are you? I don't wish to say. No, I was young. I was about six, I think. She knew. She knew what was going on. Old Mrs. Lion, you couldn't fool her. What had made you want to do this?

Just pure malice, really. i didn't even dislike her particularly but did you do um phone pranks as well we used to do phone pranks all the time did you call people up from the phone book well funny names no we used to ring for example we'd ring up john lewis this is quite a middle class prank i have to say and we'd say hello um i'd like to take this garment back i'm not very happy with the service on it. I know that was our jackass. That was our version of it. You unwittingly revamped John Lewis's customer services department in the late 1990s. They were incredibly reasonable.

They'd always say, OK, no problem, bring it in Thursday. And we'd say, OK, bye-bye. It was always the walls. That was the extent of our prank, everyone. The deceit, and you kept your deceit. Steve, you strike me, don't take this the wrong way, but you strike me as someone who might have been pranked. Indeed.

Matt and I are prankers, aren't we? And you're the sort of one that would have been pranked. The Bourne victim, in so many ways. Is that the fourth instalment of the Bourne? I was really disappointed by that. He was just a victim. He just stood around being all needy and victim-like. Just getting happy slaps.

Just loads of crying. He just said, I'm really depressed, everyone always has a go at me. And I don't want that out of Matt Damon. I see him as an action hero. And then his friends texted him and said, you OK, hon? And he cried a bit. And then he ate Ben and Jerry's out of a tub. Just ended up with him going,

Why is everyone always picking on me? Yeah, no, I was the victim continually throughout my childhood. My favourite tale of embarrassment was there's a practical joke that... It's a fairly low level practical joke uh where one of your friends uh would come up to you and say uh sorry you've got a load of up dock in your hair what that's the thing it sounds worse than it is so if someone says you've got up dock in your hair what you're meant to do is say what's up and then they say are you is this going to involve a category C swear word?

No. OK, good. You say, what's up, doc? And they say, I didn't know you were Bugs Bunny. Oh. That's the hilarious... So it's a very low-level prank. Low level?

I was so used... The bar doesn't get any lower than that. I was so used to being pranked on a more severe scale that I thought up, doc was some sort of euphemism for a word I didn't understand. And so I just started to cry. Oh, Steve. I didn't want to put my hands through my hair,

so I ran off to the toilets weeping. There's nothing in my hair. What is this up-doc? I got home that night and said to my mum, Mum, what's up-doc? And then that was how I realized and she was in fact a pediatrician wasn't she she was she was the voice she was male blank she used to provide the voice of post-punny that's a really tragic and quite poignant story so that's why I don't prank hey no even pun-based low-level practical jokes can have devastating consequences

No. Even pun-based, low-level practical jokes can have devastating consequences. So did you guys not do the phone pranks then in the way that we did all... Because we did the John Lewis, which I talked about earlier, the John Lewis phone calls. We also used to do the BT phone calls where we'd ring up and say, Hello, we're calling up on behalf of BT and it's a new service where we play you a record. And we'd play a song down the phone. We once played the Stray Cats Struck. We played Spandau Ballet.

We played Dexy's Midnight Runners, Gino. And then afterwards they'd say, oh, that was nice, and we'd say, no problem. And then my parents said, why have you made 170 international phone calls? Who was being pranked there? But you can say, well, Dexy's are at number one. Every little bit helps.

That's reminded me. I used to prank call 0800 numbers from phone boxes because it was free. Did you? Yeah, something like Cold Seal Windows, Ensley Insurance,

or various other ones. But I used to ring because I could do quite a good cheesy local radio voice. Well, we've already established you're pretty matchless at accents. I would ring, like,

friends' sisters and tell them that they were on, like, a local radio station and they were, like, about to win a holiday to, like, Ibiza or something like that. Hi, is Hannah there? Hannah, you're live on Twitter. You're just about to win a holiday for two to Ibiza.

Simply fill in the following word. Complete the band title. Is it West Life, West Side or West Husband? And they go, no, you're joking. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. And you get a gangster laughing in the background

and all stuff like that. And they go, oh my gosh, West Side, I can't help it. No, you're not, you say that. Just cackle and hang up. You're quite a cruel individual

and I like it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Steve, you have been kind of stalking Frank Skinner a bit this week. Yes. You've also been following my movements, I hear. Indeed, I was following your trail, I think, 24 hours after you'd been in the same place. Yes, but you had to explain to the readers.

in the same place. Yes. Would you care to explain to the readers? Well, on Wednesday night, I went to see, to the Soho Theatre to see David Baddiel performing his new stand-up show, which is a work in progress.

This sounds like a police statement. I'm very nervous. It's okay. We're not in the incident room. Don't panic. I'm a big fan of his. Yes. And I believe you and producer Daisy

had been there the very earlier night. Matt, have you and producer Daisy had been there... We've all gone. ...the very earlier night. Matt, have you not gone? I haven't. I didn't realise it was part of the deal. I'm sorry.

It was in your contract. It was a stick. Yeah. No, I went as well. I went this week. I enjoyed it enormously. It was absolutely great. It was really very funny.

It's nice because in the show, obviously, it's about fame and a discussion of fame, and there are various incidents of confused identity that he relates with in that show. And I'd never met him. You'd never met David Baddiel? I was introduced to him for the first time after the show. Wow.

And I was very excited to meet him. He was one of my absolute heroes. I stood next to him, and having seen a show in which he discusses fame, a girl from our own management agency came up to me and said, David, I absolutely love the show. No. Oh, my God. I don't think my beard is quite that grey yet,

but she was absolutely mortified. She then went up to Alan Yentop and said the same thing. I can't believe this. This is an extraordinary revelation. If she's listening, it was nice knowing you. I enjoyed the gig enormously, I have to say. But what I liked, and I do like this about David, he does deliver on the famous friends front.

I want that in a friend. I had Jemima Khan there the night I was there. What? Yes! Khan was there. Oh my word. Yes. Not Chaka. Jemima. Who did you have? Well, I sat with Josh Widdicombe. Oh, okay. Not Jemima Khan,

but, you know, what can you do? He is, Josh Widdicombe is rumoured to be dating Imran. Oh. I've told you to stop reading 3am. But Josh is a lovely... He's got a very distinctive voice, Josh, so it's always nice. Yeah, well, I ended up going to watch David Baddiel. I ended up saying it's a Steve Hall.

Incredible. I ended up eating fenders with him. Is this how he speaks? Which is worryingly how he speaks Oh yeah, you must have seen Josh Whittaker I've come across him I haven't been intimate with him I've met the man

I ended up swapping paninis with Pat Sharp Sounds a little bit Coogan We're going to come back to David Baddiel very shortly. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

We were talking about a gig that both Steve and I had been to this week, which was David Baddiel's show. Matt wasn't there. I had a bath instead. I think you were interviewing night i think i think you were interviewing nigel farage that night i was interviewing nigel farge that's genuine what a great alibi i love matt's life if it's not galloway it's nigel the farage buffoon is your barrage balloon if you will oh my word he's been thinking about that

ignore the quality admire the speed speed. You know what I found awkward this week? A lot of things. What I found really awkward this week at that particular gig, when you've got a friend, and there's two comics, perhaps you can advise me. Again, I make it sound as if I don't regularly work with two comics. But

when you go, you see, Daisy and I rushed in quite late, and we sat near the front on a little table, and I caught David's eye at one point, and he looked a little bit mortificado when he saw me. What's the kind of policy on that? I mean, as a friend, should you not sit near the front? If possible.

You can usually just say to them as you arrive, if they try and sit you in the front, even if I don't know them, I'll just go, I know them. Oh, that sounds terribly name-dropping, especially at a gig about the perils of fame. It's tricky if you go to a really big concert. If I went to see Morrissey, I can't sit near the front, I know him.

The Rolling Stones. I like my friends to have really nice, comfortable seats in their own living room when I'm on stage. I don't like them anywhere near the gig. Oh, you were no friends allowed? Absolutely no friends or family. You were a bit of a he-kept-himself-to-himself type, weren't you? I'm starting to get a picture.

I meet them afterwards, but I don't want them seeing any of that. It freaks me out too much, because I just start worrying about it. I think, what if I die in front of them, and then they're going to think I'm a fool, that I'm wasting my life? They're going to say, what are you doing, mate? Just FYI, yes, we often think that. My mum came to see me at a gig and she didn't tell me

I was opening for Russell Howard at Wembley Arena. And I thought it was my uncle. I thought my uncle was coming. Oh, that's a big gig, Steve. It's a big one, big one. I was very relieved she didn't tell me.

It was a complete surprise. I got a text from my uncle who I thought was bringing my aunt. And he texted, he texted, brilliant gig, your mum loved it. Which is a very weird text to get through your uncle.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio, but Frank's not here. He's currently in a maximum security prison. Alan Cochran is also not here. But my name's Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank and I'm being ably assisted by Steve Hall

and Matt Ford. Hello. Hello, boys. Good morning. We're establishing Matt is a bit of a filthy creep and I like it. What a filthy creep am I? That's a compliment of the highest order from me. It's a very hygienic creep, aren't you? Yes.

And we have indeed had an email from Matt Henty. Okay, I don't know if we have had an email. That's really not good news. Frank gets loads. No, he doesn't. He gets about seven. Go on, what have we had? We've had several emails,

some of which are simply too dull to read on air. Okay. We've had an email with Matt obviously being new to the team. Yeah. I say that. This is the fourth time I've ever done it. I say being new to the team. Yeah. I say that. This is the fourth time I've ever done it. I say it like I'm an old man.

Matt Henty has asked, is that Matt Ford on the radio this morning? It sounds like the rotund giggler from Talk Sport. Oh. Oh. That was your Batman villain name, the rotund giggler. I woke up in the night and he was on the radio. I wake up this morning and he's here again. Get some sleep. He's worried about you.

We should say, Matt hasn't had... Have you had any sleep, Matt? I've been up for about 26 hours. That's like me in 1996. I love it. It takes me back. Yeah, but I haven't had any partying. How dare you suggest I had partying?

You're doing well, though. I feel slightly weird. I mean, effectively, I'm torturing myself. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, or at least an enhanced interrogation technique. I think I'm probably going to go on water. We need to find you other radio stations that you can host on, and then by midnight tonight, you can go full Sarah Kennedy.

Midnight tonight, I'll have a career. But you have been looking at the papers for us, haven't you? I have indeed. You found a story. You got Matt Likes His Politics. Oh, yeah. But you have been looking at the papers for us, haven't you? I have indeed. And you found a story. You got, Matt likes his politics. Oh, yeah. Don't we all these days? He loves his politics.

So yours, what were you, you were talking about the health minister, and I zoned out, but I'm afraid. Health minister Anna Soubry. Yes. The Conservative MP for Broxton, as we're all aware, has criticised British workers for eating sandwiches at their desks. She says it's disgusting and says we have a weird relationship with food.

Oh. I don't agree with her. I think it's fine to eat at your desk. I regularly used to eat at my desk and I'll tell you what, something else, when I used to work in offices, I would use that as a way to woo women.

Would you? Largely unsuccessfully. I was going to say, how did they find the egg sandwich? I would make sandwiches for girls. Why? Oh. I know, it's that charming. I'd get like tomato chutney I was going to say, how did they find the egg sandwich? I would make sandwiches for girls. Why? Oh, nice. That's charming.

I'd get like tomato chutney and I'd get the posh ham. It's probably horse. And I would put spinach in it and I'd get granary bread and I'd put butter on. Not too much. Did you? Just enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A sort of seduction sandwich from Matt Ford.

Oh, I'd put all sorts in there. Guinness whole grain mustard. I really went to town on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think it's fine to eat it. I was unfamiliar with the fact that this had been given an actual phrase. They call it Al Desco. So when I saw that as a headline...

Did they? Or did they just make that up in the paper? Well, I thought it... When I first saw the headline, I thought it was like a merger between Aldi and Tesco. But apparently it's disgusting. I don't think... I quite like it. I like to see peopleco. But apparently it's disgusting. I don't think... I quite like it. I think it is disgusting, and I'll tell you for why. Because, no, I don't like it. I have certain rules about this.

I say a salad or a bread-based snack is acceptable, but if you're going to start putting an old cauliflower soup or chicken korma in the microwave, I won't have it. I don't like smelly food. I love smelly food. Well, we're never going to get along, are we? You can't have a bite of it, but it's a free snack. I think there's obviously levels of what you should eat at your desk.

You're not going to have a hog roast at your desk. I found that out to myself. Eat privately. I don't want to witness your mastication. Absolute Radio. Frank Skination. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about public eating. I'm not a fan. Matt seems all over it. My worst thing is people eating on the tube.

I once saw a man get out an entire cooked chicken and start ripping it. I mean, it was like Henry VIII. What, slinging it off? You stink! He was laying into it. He just, I thought it was really odd. He was tearing it apart and he was, yeah, he ate it like it was a Sunday roast.

It was really strange. I don't like eating on the tube. I think that's unacceptable, a super nanny would say. I think it's fine to eat anywhere. I like watching people eat. I like hearing about people's stories of their food. I sort of live through them in that moment. I think, oh, I wish I was you, tasting all that meat.

Really, really, I'm really on their side. Goodness me. Good for you for getting some fries and getting a burger with it. And thanks for letting me have a smell. I enjoy the sort of... You're probably a more generous spirit than me, I would have thought. Yes, I think that's coming across. Nice!

It's interesting that Health Minister Anna Soubry is quite so aggressive. To describe eating a sandwich as disgusting, that's quite heavy. And to say we've got a weird relationship with food implies i don't know what the people at the desks are doing where she works but it's not a weird relationship it's just it's just you know we work busy lives we're in an economic crisis you want to keep your job i used to take a 15 minute lunch when i was a temp just so that i could put 45 minutes extra on my time sheet well, there is the thing where she is a bit of another age because, really, people don't get time for a long lunch now.

You see, what did people do in the 70s, really, in offices? You sent one telex and you talked to your friends. That was a working day, really. They're in the pub by half ten in the morning. No, that's you, Matt Ford. Oh, but in the 70s, they all had sideburns and kipper ties. They all had beer guts, smoked fags and still played football. It was a glorious era and I'm ashamed I was born in the 70s, they all had sideburns and kipper ties. They all had beer guts, smoked fags and still played football. It was a glorious era and I'm ashamed I was born in the 80s.

Those were good days, I have to say. Have we heard from the outside world at all, Steve? We have indeed had an email. This is based on something I believe you were discussing last week. Yes. About Frank's interview technique and Mark Campbell. I'm happy to talk about Frank's interviewing technique for hours. Mark Campbell is determined to set the record straight.

He said, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I feel I must leap to Frank's defence after his self-effacing comments about his technique interviewing. He was simply ahead of his time. That combination of comedy and interview has made look-alike Graham Norton famous. Now that celebs are used to it,

they laugh and join in instead of being precious. He goes on, also I must thank Emily for her ejaculations. Someone who can do that. Oh Frank, it makes my day. And I suspect Frank's as well. So what a lovely thing. Well, Frank's not here to bask in this praise, but I

agree wholeheartedly. He was ahead of his time. However, don't rush to thank me for my ejaculations, because Frank actually chastised me for overuse of it last week. He did. I said, Frank, I overuse it. It's my fault. It's my catchphrase, and it happens to be his name. What can I do? I'm sorry about that. But no, that's a nice little tribute they've paid to him.

It's a nice thing, because, of they've paid him now Matt you do some interviews that's right yeah I do them live in the flesh have you had any tricky ones you did Farage on Wednesday what I've learned about Nigel Farage is that he never sounds he never wavers he's always very definite so what I would demonstrate I can't do the voice very well but I can do the formula of Nigel Farage

on any issue so if you give me something trivial and not political I can almost say what Nigel Farage would say on it. Anything just to say. So what's your opinion on crisps? Crisps, well, for starters, there's too many flavours. And I think back in the day when it was cheese and onion and salt and vinegar and ready salted, things were fine.

And we were prepared to have a certain amount of variety. But we're living in an age now of pickled onion munch the munch, of nice and spicy knickknacks, and frankly, it's gone too far. Nigel, I don't want to go out with you anymore. Well, that's your opinion. And in four years' time, you'll be able to voice it, but until then, I'm afraid you're locked in. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Boys, I had one of my incidents recently. I need to discuss it with you. It involved a wedding, a bus driver and some five-inch heels. Do you want me to read on? Carry on. Good. It's not sexy time.

Don't get excited. It actually involves me getting a bus. I decided I'd left this wedding. It was a really nice, you know, a sort of Richard Curtis type wedding. Everything was right about it. It was lovely. It was my friend Charlie.

There were some lovely people, a lot of nice men as well. Charming men. I'll tell you about that after the show. I had a few campari's, I'm not going to lie. So I decided, in my somewhat inebriated state, I thought I'll go and grab a cab. There were no cab cabs to be had it was a bit 28 days later out there so I thought I'm gonna get a bus I'm gonna get on a bus it was a bit like when Fergie decides to get a bus or something I got on a bus and do you know what as I got on I spoke to the driver and I looked at my heels and there was only me

and an old lady in the back and I thought at my heels and there was only me and an old lady in the back and i thought i don't want to walk to my house it stops too far from my house so i said to the bus driver excuse me do you mind dropping me home and he looked a bit shocked he said what i said well i said i hope you don't mind but i've got these heels i'm a bit uncomfortable and i've had a few to drink i said said, I really don't want to walk home. Do you mind dropping me right outside my house? It's not much of a diversion. And he went, OK.

That's fabulous. He actually agreed to it. But he didn't do it in a flirty way. He wasn't saying, OK, love. He just said really grudgingly, OK, then, where do you need to go? And then he did. That's brilliant. He did a little right.

I said, do a left here. I directed him. I said, look, there's only one. He said do a left here i directed him i said look there's only one he said what about the other passenger i said there's one old lady she doesn't know what's going on let's be honest she was feeling no pain that old lady so he dropped me right outside my front door and how much of a diversion is that um i'd say it's about a street and a half away i said do you know that? That's the point, that chivalry meeting the Oyster card. I didn't know what to say at the end. And because it was sort of still festive-y season, well, it wasn't really, it was January,

but I said, happy holidays. That was quite a strange sign-off. I thought, I don't know why I said that. So basically, I would like to report that driver to the London Transport Authorities because I think that was irresponsible and he diverted from the prescribed route.

No, I don't. Thank you very much. Whoever that driver is, he was my knight in shining armour. What number bus was it? Knight bus in shining armour. It was, oh, lovely. It was, oh, I don't know the name of the buses. I think it was a W5 or something. Are you kidding? Oh, yeah, I know.

Yes, a North London one, yes. The one that stops outside that lady's house. The lady who lives at the bus depot. Keeps thinking she's getting special detour. Sleeps in her heels. I did start to think for one minute I just thought you could just try that on all the time

every time you got on a bus. If it was empty enough, and it's not putting them to much trouble really is it? It's worth a shot, I think you're more likely to get if me or Matt were to go, alright mate I'm a bit tired, drop us off in Nottingham mate

You never know, it's worth trying out, why not? But I think it was nice as well that he wasn't flirty at all, He wasn't remotely flirty. Because he's a bus driver. He just gets abuse all the time. That's why he has to live behind perspex. Oh, that's true, yeah.

Cabbies are a little bit more friendly, because the problem is with cabbies, they think it's personal. They think, sometimes, I think, you're getting their cab because you've chosen them. Oh, do you think so? And they think, well, she must not, because she got in a better car car you know mind you if bus drivers thought like that i love your impression of the camera ever since i started doing this trafalgar square route i've been getting so lucky but then bus drivers would be even more wouldn't they if that was the logic they think crikey i'm pulling like 100 people a day yes this is true it's a good place to meet people on a bus isn't

it have you ever been chatted up on a bus? Um, no. That's the only thing that counts being chatted up. Why, is your next line, do you want to be? Do you want to get the bus? I got propositioned on a night bus once. What happened? By a very drunk homeless man.

What was the proposition? What did he say? He basically went, would you fancy coming off for a drink somewhere? And I'll be honest, they were lonely days. I was very tempted. He sounds like a lovely bloke. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Steve, have we heard from our readers? We have indeed. We've got a text from 761 on the subject of Al Desco eating and indeed eating on public transport. Apples or crisps on any public transport do wind me up to homicidal proportions. And that's from... Well, she signed off as Sarah Brighton.

I presume that's not Sarah Brightman. Oh, I hope it is. Lloyd Webber's second wife. But I can relate to that. Crisps next to your ear on public transport can be very frustrating. See, I don't mind that. It's the hot food I have issues with. I don't mind the cold snack. I think that's fair enough. Live and let live, I say.

Live and let live, I never say. I rarely say. We've also had a tweet from Simon Fake. He was talking... This is a kind of childhood prank slash food-based tweet. He says, I once flushed the builder's sandwiches down the toilet. Hashtag middle-class pranks. Hashtag nasty little brat.

Oh! Do you think that's mean? I think it's bang out of order. I think it's sabotage. I think that should be an arrestable offence. I like that. And I like that you sound a be an arrestable offence. I like that. And I like that you sound a little bit like Alan Partridge when you say that. Don't get me started.

That is an arrestable offence, in all honesty. And you should be prosecuted. Matt genuinely was an Alan Partridge impersonator. I was an Alan Partridge tribute act for many years. Were you? How did you find that? It came quite naturally. Oh, that's so good. And I'm very distantly related to Steve Coogan.

Are you really? Yeah. I've never actually met him because I didn't want to use the family connection. It's through our old, the old Catholic-Irish connections. Oh, the old Catholic-Irish connections. My second cousin twice removed or something like that.

But he had a cousin. The excellent actor Aidan McArdle is my cousin. I'm unfamiliar with his work. That's awkward. I used to be an Aidan McArdle tribute actor. And he got more work than Aidan McArdle. Aidan played Dudley Moore when Rhys Iffens played Peter Cook. Oh, is that right? In the dramatisation of their relationship.

I still haven't heard of him. That's his moral. He's still got nothing on that. Did he eat on public transport? Yeah. Never. We can use it then. Damn it. He's very well behaved.

I've had a text here from Fahrenheit 451. It says, all my books have been burned. I like that literary reference. Mike also tweeted and said, differing views on Aldesco lunches are very interesting. Please bring back luncheon at the club. I like the sound of that, Mike. Mike Yarwood or something, maybe that is.

A nice 70s man. Luncheon at the club sounds like a 1970s 50 Cent. I like him. Excellent work. I'd like to talk a little bit about Maradona. Oh, yes. Well, he's in the news, isn't he? You're sort of our...

You are our football correspondent this morning, Matt Ford. Oh, that's fine by me. Shall I do it in a football reporter kind of voice? Why not? Go for it. You can have Jim White of Deadline Day fame or John Motson of Match of the Day fame. Oh, I'm a bit of a purist. I'm a Motson purist.

Yeah, keep it real. Diego Maradona has come a father again for the fifth time and has named his son after himself. Diego Fernando Maradona was born on February the 13th at 11.57 and he weighs in at seven pounds. Both mother and baby are doing well, Trevor.

I like that. I like my role as Trevor in this as well. Thank you very much. No, it's rather strange. He's taken a rather strange decision, Maradona. He's named his child after himself, hasn't he? It's vain, isn't it? Do you think it's vain?

Well, I suppose the child is quite a good dribbler. Oh! A little bit of material, I like it. But, you know, that's not as bad. George Foreman, apparently he of grill and hitting men fame he um named his five sons after himself he's got george jr george the third george the fourth george the fifth this is honestly true and uh george the sixth i believe as well wow i mean he named five children and about a million grills after himself.

Is there nothing this man won't name? He's very forgetful because of all the boxing. He doesn't want to take any risks. We haven't even got to George Michael yet. On the subject of fathers arrogantly calling their children after themselves, Clinton Crawley, 590. Are you referring to my father, Emil Heskey?

How dare you? That's a lovely image you've just created in my head. Yeah. He's a... Yes, I think he would be a good father. Do you? I worry about his goal celebration, though. All that DJ stuff.

I don't like it very much. Well, it shows you can multitask. Got a creative side. Do you know, you're right, Matt Ford. We don't know what sort of music he's playing. It could be Mozart. Quite likely, if he tried to bottle feed you, he'd're right, Matt Ford. We don't know what sort of music he's playing. It could be Mozart. Quite likely if he tried to bottle feed you, he'd miss your mouth as well.

You had to put him down. No-one puts Heskey in the corner. And Heskey never puts it in the top corner. No. Clinton Crawley, 590, has texted with further information about George Foreman. George Foreman also has a daughter named Georgette

Oh that's excellent work Matt Ford you're wincing slightly It's horrible, it sounds like a rare veg Yeah I've got some Georgette and parsnips It sounds a bit like a hygiene product I have to be honest Get in touch with Mr Foreman

I imagine he'll say Je ne Georget my old boss? Oh, I see. I imagine he'll say, Je ne georgette rien. I think that's rank. But just... Oh, yeah, apparently Diego has named his daughter Diaguet. So there you go. Sounds like a letter to... Yeah, yeah.

Sounds like a letter to a neighbour he doesn't like. Trevin Sussex says says Emily and Posey, which I think she means posse. Or even me, unless she thinks one of us is being particularly coquettish in our presentation. No, I permanently carry a posey in a sort of Miss Havisham stance.

That's what that's a reference to. So Emily and Posey, yeah? It says, when I was little, me and a friend would stand opposite each other on a busy road and then suddenly take the strain on an imaginary rope stretched across the road. Car drivers' faces were hilarious as they slammed on the brakes. Oh, and he lived to tell the tale as well. Indeed.

I'm glad that story had a happy ending, after those childhood pranks could have gone horribly wrong. I know. The problem is that I'm worried about those suspensions on those cars. Are you? And the brakes. No one ever thinks about the brakes. But the wear and tear on those tyres and on the brake fluid.

Yeah. It's one of those pranks that's a real slow burner. I'd love to... Oh! They'll get that three months later when they're in the garage. They'll go, oh, God, I was braked. I like that you worry about the brake fluid, though. I'd like to go on a date with Matt Ford. You worry about the brake fluid. though. I'd like to go on a date with Matt Ford. You worry about the brake fluid.

That I've put in your drink. Not for the first time, I'm sure. We've had another email from Martin Husband, who has written, to the goddess of the airwaves and her male underlings, thanks for making Saturdays... He's certainly going to be my husband after this. All right.

To the goddess of the airwaves and her male underlings, thanks for making Saturdays he's certainly going to be my husband after this to the goddess of the airwaves and her male underlings thanks for making Saturdays great here in France the radio here is bleep any chance of Frank being away next week? Oh no, don't say that also, firstly we're not allowed to read praise out, Frank's going to go mental he's going to go postal, he's going to go

one worse than mental I can't apologise enough Frank for that I read praise and it was negative about you. So, you know, I'm going to go Benedict. I'm walking. I've got to. I've got no choice. Anything else that we heard from the outside world? We've had one other text in,

again on the subject of parenting. Graham 529 has pointed out that John Lennon called his sons John Julian and Sean, which is Irish for John. John Lennon called his sons John Julian and Sean, which is Irish for John. So he's called both his sons John. So he was kind of vain in a little bit more of a discreet way. Who would have thought that John Lennon was a bit arrogant?

That's a thing we never knew about. And I thought he could cure wars by staying in bed. Well, there you go. Don't knock it. No, but that's what Frank's trying to do right now, so don't knock it. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ryan Gosling has been filming a film called Lars and the Real Girl. Can you warn me if you're going to say words like Ryan Gosling? Because it makes me go a little bit funny. See, I don't think he's that attractive. Yeah, yeah. Whoa. FYI, he's not for you.

He's no Richard Bryers. He spent a whole day filming a scene where he's knitting with some old ladies. And in an interview, he said it was therapeutic and that if he had a perfect day, he'd spend it knitting. Can I say, that's very specialist interest magazine, Ryan Gosling knitting with old ladies. I like the sound of it. It's like a Shreddies advert. I don't think, that wouldn't be my perfect. I already know what my perfect day is and when I read that article I knew straight away. I'd wake up at around 10am, the sun

would be coming through the window but not too much to give you a headache, just sort of lightly touching the face. The phone rings, it's Tony Blair. He says, 4D, I'm down at the pub, I've already got you a pint in. He says, 4D, I'm down at the pub. I've already got you a pint in. Can you get down here? The Forest game is on early. I get down there. He says, I'm only joking.

I've got tickets to the game. We go to the game. Forest beat Derby 10-0. They have to play another game in the afternoon where they beat Manchester United, where all trophies are on the line and they become the undisputed greatest team in the world. As we're on the way out,

Noel Gallagher goes, I didn't know you two legends were coming to the game. All right, Noel, let's go for a few beers. We go for a few beers. Liam comes in and goes, Noel, we need to talk. I think we need to make music together. He says, not without these pair. And then I'm on drums, Blair's on bass, and that's the new line-up of Oasis.

The clock strikes midnight, and that's the end. Matt, I think you need to put a bit more thought into your perfect day. You need to plan a bit more. Come on. All right, OK, OK. Well, Liam and I'll say, yes, yes, yes, Oasis are back together. And then after that, they say, oh, look, that new Greggs has opened.

So you go into the Greggs, you have a steak bake, and the guy goes, I like this steak bake so much, I'm going to name it after you. So then it becomes known as the Matt Ford slice. He knows what he wants, this character, doesn't he? My perfect day, can I just say, would begin with the words, two tickets to Hampton Court, please.

Because I'm a huge fan of Henry VIII. I don't know if you're aware of this. I know, but I've been to Hampton Court Palace. It's amazing. Oh, have you? We could go together, Matt. Yeah, all right. Oh, I'm really excited about that.

But can we go in the maze? Definitely. No funny business, though. I don't want no filthy creeps in the maze. Oh, there'll be no funny business. Haven't you seen my act? Okay. We need to make this so we can combine the two.

Get you both down Hampton Court. Yeah. And then get Noel to be in the centre of the maze. With a steak bake waiting for you. Can I have, for me, well, if you've got Noel, I'm going to have to have Vince Cable. He's my shouldn't but would, by the way, Vince Cable.

Oh, Matt, it's all gone wrong already before it started. Do you have a political shouldn't but would? Glenda Jackson for me. Nadine Doris. It's just my should. That was just your did. The perfect day goes horribly wrong on the last second. This state makes it, hello Nadine, oh God.

Can we have a packed lunch as well? Yes. I'm back in Hampton Court now. Proper old fashioned though, like cucumber sandwiches and stuff. Oh, lovely Matt. And no chives though. That's my only stipulation, is no chives. I don't get along with chives.

I don't think I've ever had them. You know what? This is all looking good. He's never had them. I don't like them. Who needs Ryan Gosling in his knitting? Exactly. Gosling's out.

If you're listening, sod off. I don't know if he's allowed to say that. Are we going to be taken off sod back what's your perfect taste well mine is pathetic it's driving anywhere with my wife how about that for a romantic thing

we do these long drives in Australia my wife's Australian and I can't drive so she has to drive everywhere that's one of the reasons it's perfect is I don't have to do anything but most of our long drives consist of me singing Johnny Cash at her to take her mind off how desperately she needs a wee.

God, she's a lucky woman. It was quite tricky. I think that's very sweet and romantic, Steve. She really needed the toilet and I sang Ring of Fire at her, which was probably not a good idea. How has the water, Mama? Five few hours. My perfect day would include that,

but it would also include a recreation of the time when I was eight years old and I scored from a corner. Oh! The purest moment of happiness I've ever experienced. I like it that Matt Ford's making it a little bit laddy in here. I quite like that in him. I haven't even seen that goal, but I know it was a classic. I can see it in my own mind. I scored for Borehamwood Youth, which these days sounds more like a far-right movement than a football movement.

Boys, I can think of no better high on which to end this show. Can I thank you so much, boys? Thanks to Matt Ford. Thanks to Steve Ball. You've been amazing. Frank should be back next week, God willing. If the creaks don't rise, it's that time. Thank you for keeping us company this morning.

And it's been lovely knowing you. I'll be seeing you. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio.