The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Whistling

Episode Date: July 21, 2012

Frank, Emily and Alun discuss toothache, George Michael and the art of whistling.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, I know. And I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215. And you know what? What? You can follow us. I mean, metaphorically. On Twitter, using at Frank on Absolute. That was beautifully done. Thanks.

I finally got the using and the ad, all in the right order. It all makes sense to me now. We never use your Twitter handle, do we, Emily? No. Is that a policy or is it just something that's not happened? I have fans rather than followers on my page, actually. Okay.

Just so you're aware. Lovely. I, um... What was I going to say? I don't know. We had a... If you remember about two weeks ago, we had some free lollipops coming. Yes, I do remember.

Yeah, and I had about nine. And we had a text or an email from a lady called Mary Drainer. And who said... She was in the dental business. I remember reading it, yeah. She warned against the perils of the boiled sweet and the lollipop. She did it in a stern fashion, which I thought was a bit over the top. And I laughed, I mocked Mary's advice.

You did. Probably used it as a clip, didn't they? They might have used it as a trail since then. I hope not. That was our finest work. Because this week I've spent virtually the whole week wrapped with tooth pain. I've had two dental trips.

Have you? I've had the injection in the gum, the filling. I've been on the paracetamols. Oh, dear. I've had my new tooth painted by a different dentist with some anti-sensitive... Is that why Daisy had that Tipp-Ex out earlier? You had a tooth painted?

You couldn't Tipp-Ex one of my teeth. It's been the wrong colour altogether. Mine need to be creosoted to match the others. So, Frank, what is it you've got, darling? Is it a... Toothache. Oh, my others. So, Frank, what is it you've got, darling? Is it a cavity? Toothache. Oh, my goodness. See, that's the other problem.

I've been... My pronunciation problem. I've always called it toothache. What? Have you actually? Toothache? Not pretending you've called it toothache. No, I've always called it toothache my whole life.

Oh, I hate that. That's what you say in the West Midlands. It's toothache. Oh, toothbrush. So, this week, people have... Toothbrush. Every time I've taken a paracetamol in company, they've said, well, what's the problem?

I've got tough egg. And they say, you've got what? And I've had to say it twice. Yes, because you sound like a strange Neanderthal. Oh, I don't... But why is my way wrong and their way right? But isn't it evidently wrong in that people aren't understanding you, the point of the language?

No, that's absolutely incorrect. You can't go through life. People often don't understand great... They didn't understand E equals MC squared. Yeah. Yeah. Does that mean it was wrong? Which is very comparable to saying tough A.

In this context, I think it works exactly as an analogy. Here's the thing. Why don't you save a little bit of time on the repeated explanations of what you mean by tough ape? By just starting to say tooth ape. Because you can't teach an old dog no tricks. Oh, come on. Well, don't I know that.

You're never too old to learn. But learn what? Too thick. It's a double O. The clues in even the writing of the word. It's not T-U. What about wood? You wouldn't say wooed,

wouldn't you? Wooed? I don't get wood ache. That's something altogether. I can't believe it. Oh, don't I mean it? It's tempest-ite. This is the worst conversation you've ever had.

It's not the worst conversation I've ever had. Not by a very long chalk. There's something fabulously 1970s about having toothache as well. There you go, you did it! You, what? Ah! See, it can be done. You've won me over.

No, Frank, I agree with you. No one really suffers from that anymore. No, because people prevent nowadays. People get it sorted, darling. Yeah, I thought, I like with you. No one really suffers from that anymore. No, because people prevent nowadays. People get it sorted, darling. Yeah, I thought I like to wait, let me know, before I go to the dentist. Anyway, Mary, if you're listening, I apologise. You were right.

I should not have touched those lollies. Although, ironically, although they were packed with sugar, I've lost about three pounds this week because I couldn't eat hardly anything because I was in so much pain. Oh, every cloud. I'm going to bring out a book called The Toffache Diet. Well, people will be rushing to buy that.

All we have to do is get toffache and the next thing you know. Frank, I don't think it's anything to do with the lollies. May I gently suggest that it might be to do with the fact that you didn't brush your teeth until you were about 15. Yeah, but that was then and this is now, as I think was the title of the Emilio Estevez film. Apparently I had decay under my filling. Really?

They had to take out the filling and then get rid of the decay. And now I've got Hot Pulp. Right. Which I think is a 70s funk compilation album. But it means that my nerve is... Oh, you don't want to hear this. I quite do, actually. Yeah, Mary is at home now

opening a bottle of champagne. It's time of the morning with the biggest I told you so. Look, anyone's ever had ever. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was we... We were talking about your...

Toothache. Toothache, of course. Toothache. Don't patronise me. Alex from Watford. I broke my tooth on a sweet cherry yesterday. On a sweet cherry? Mm.

Maybe the stone. Nay, no. Does he mean a real cherry that was sweet or a sweet that was based on cherryness yeah oh like a cherry drop possibly i once entered into a podcast debate on um whether glacier cherries were ever cherries and they were uh-huh but a friend of mine this is when i was in at the world cup with dave in south africa and a friend of mine this is when I was at the World Cup with Dave in South Africa and a friend of mine texted me to say

having heard it he'd gone to the cupboard to look at the Glacier cherries and it said in contents it said something like 44% cherry. So what's the rest? A lot of sugar there Frank. A lot of sugar water. Oh yeah. Harnessed Mary

Drainers listening should be going, no, no, not Glossier cherries! Frank, we have a food-based inquiry, actually, just hot in. I'm always up for that. Hope Cuisine inquiry. Well, this is Martin in Australia, in Brisbane.

It's a small world now, isn't it? He says, hi, FEA. I recently... What does that mean? Frank, Emily and Alan. Oh, God, clever. Oh, I'm writing that down. Saving me a lot of time on the intros. Writing it down! There you go.

I recently went on a date with a woman who didn't eat a lot. Who's this from? David Beckham. I was about to say congratulations. It went pretty well. Well, it would. We said our goodbyes.

Cheap. We said our goodbyes at our cars. Well, to me, that means it didn't go very well. No, exactly. And parted ways. But our cars, also, they didn't arrive together. Oh. She's got transport.

That's a start as well. Yeah, definitely. Minutes later, I drove by a well-known takeaway chicken place. I think we can all work out what that is. To see her standing at the counter ordering food. Oh, brilliant. Was she being polite at the time to seem like she wasn't greedy? What are Emily's dating rules when it comes to food?

Well, what was her motivation, do you think? That's what was it, wasn't it? She was hungry. Yeah, but she was trying to... Why didn't she eat at the meal? She was trying to seem feminine. Maybe they went somewhere fancy and she was going, I don't want something moosed.

Or maybe they were going Dutch on the meal and she didn't want to. Oh, right. She didn't save any money. No, I think ladies sometimes think it looks feminine to just push the salad around the plate. I think Dom pushes a skin flint. That's my feeling. Quote me on that when you do the actual thing.

We've had a text saying Glasser, not Glassier. That's G-L-A-S-S-A-Y, not Glass-I-A-Y. That's probably right, actually. I made a mistake. Again, I've called them Glacier Cherries my whole life. But you're right, Glacier is like one of those things that... Glacier. Yeah.

Yeah. One of those things that was in Starsky and Hutch. Glacier. Yes, I know what you mean. Oh, God. It's one of those moments when you think, are we going to get through this? And then something always seems to pull us out of it. Exactly.

It hasn't happened yet, but I'm... Give it three hours. Yeah, exactly. Can I just say, there's a lot of Birmingham's texting in saying... Birmingham's is not... that's not a term. OK, I forget. I don't know. There's a lot of Birmingham's texting in to say what, exactly. Well, they don't see the problem with it either.

It seems very widespread, this tooth thing. Yeah. They're all saying tooth. I think they do it in Wales as well. Yeah, they do as well. Tooth brush. So, Frank, did you have this? Because you were on holiday, weren't you, this week?

Well, I went away for what I would call a break. Lovely. Which I thought was going to you? Well, I went away for what I would call a break. Lovely. Which I thought was going to be a break when I went away. But when you have a small child, there are no breaks. Having a small child... Do you remember those games you used to get sometimes at fairgrounds? And it's like all squiggly wire, and you have to go around it with a... And then there's a...

And you go... And you have to go back to the beginning. That's what having a small child is like. Oh, fine. You know, you relax for a second, and it goes off. The child goes off. Or you think you've successfully turned the corner, the child goes off.

It's like that. There's no respite. Kath was so tired the other morning. She got up with Boz, who was my two-month-old baby, and she made two cups of tea, one for her, one for him. And halfway through I thought, this isn't right, is it? That's how tired she is.

Oh, no, you've got to get them used to it early, though. Yeah, put it in his bottle. I wouldn't say it's a nightmare, but it's a restless and turgid dream. Certainly. It's difficult. I went to NCT, in case you don't know anything about babies and things. This is classes that you go to on the way to having a baby. And we had an NCT reunion the other night,

and we met all our old NCT. We keep in touch with them anyway, and we all met up. And then there were some people from the new group who haven't had their babies yet, and they were going to come, and we had our up. And then there were some people from the new group who haven't had their babies yet. And they were going to come and we had our babies with us and we were going to talk about what it's like in those first few weeks. And we gathered round and I said, look, are we going to tell them? We'd better not tell them now,

otherwise they'll be very, very distraught. And I've realised there is a conspiracy amongst parents not to tell other people how terrible it is in case they don't have children and the population completely collapses. So you talk about all the love and that, but you don't talk about the moments when you're repeatedly banging your head

over and over and over against that sort of hood on the cooker. We're all different. But he has got one thing. He's developed one passion. My son, my tiny son. Developed a passion in two months. He's developed something that he really, really likes.

And I'll tell you what it is in a minute, but it's made me extremely happy frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio we've had a number of communications from the outside world frank i love it when that happens because it means like there's people listening we've got a question for you first this is for i love a quiz. Matthew. Hi, Frank. Many years ago, you were in a show which involved you being naked. Oh, God.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Oh, God. A man in a wheelchair singing Elvis songs, and if I remember correct, a tortoise. Yes. My girlfriend is a big fan of yours, and I was trying to describe the show to her, but I don't think she believes me as she'd never heard of it what was the name of it it was called cooking with elvis and it was written by uh the bloke who wrote billy elliott oh all right okay it was rubbish

it was i used to walk around backstage singing 74 74 to go, 74 to go. I hated it so much. Yeah. It was a terror, it was a nightmare. I didn't get on with anyone in the cast. OK, well, you weren't expecting that response, were you? Did they know that? Did the cast know that?

I think they probably did notice that. I had, like, two big rows with two of them before we opened. Oh, right. Theatre can be like that, can't it, darling? It can. I'll tell you what I did discover. Well, you'll know. You went to drama school.

So did I. I didn't. As I think they pointed out. Anyway. What did you discover? I discovered that if you hold a tortoise very, very close to your face, so its nostrils are adjacent to your skin surface,

that the air that comes out of a tortoise's nostrils is icy cold. Is it really? Yeah. Oh. It'd be handy on a hot day, wouldn't it, if you had one? I've got half a dozen at home now, which I keep for that very purpose. Excellent. Yeah.

Just stuff one down the trousers. You can feel it drying up. I bet you're looking forward to the August heat wave, even as we speak. Yeah, I'm just going to wear a tortoise on the front of me on elastic. Like a fabulous posing pouch, but full of living flesh. We've also heard from the outside world. I'm moving on. I notice you're moving on tone.

On 8-12-15, you were discussing that parents don't tell would-be parents the horror. Someone's texted saying... Don't you mean we would be parents? Very good. Frank, absolutely agree. In fact, although I refuse to sign the non-disclosure agreement, they've all

got capitals, N, D and A, by the way. Non-disclosure agreement. After giving birth to my daughter 16 months ago, I do find myself carefully considering how much to tell expectant mums and dads. It's a conspiracy. Heidi in London. Heidi? Because she Heidi's

things. Yeah. It's part of her conspiracy. I don't think she's trying to pun, but... No, ma'am, she isn't. Okay. Well, yeah. But, I mean, you know, don't get me wrong. If you are heavily pregnant, there's lovely bits as well.

There are some lovely bits. Yeah, you'll lose the weight soon. Frank, you... There was something that you said that Buzz liked, though. Yes. So what is this? Buzz really really likes it when I whistle he's pro whistling

when I was a young boy whistling was a very popular pastime I'd lie in bed in the morning I'd hear the various tradesmen coming and going to our house and you'd always hear whistling never hear that now.

I don't know if it's because it's London. Who whistles anymore? My dad, when he was in the garden, always whistled Stranger on the Shore by Ackerbill. They've all got those Ashley Cole headphones on now, though. Oh, hold on a minute. There's apparently the BBC are planning a docudrama. You're not getting Doctor Who updates on your phone.

BBC are planning a docudrama to celebrate 50 years of Doctor Who. Tremendous news. Where was I? Whistling, oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah, and it was very, very popular. I feel it's a bit of an endangered species now, the whistler. I'll be honest, if a tradesman started work on my house

that was about to take a week and whistled on the first day, that week is not going to be completed. Really? I'd be likely to replace a whistler, yeah. I don't think you can replace a whistler under the laws. It's probably the EU, isn't it? Yeah, you can't sack anyone for whistling. Oh, not anymore. No, exactly.

I like that it is part of a bygone era though, which I rather like. It is. I miss it. Look at Ronnie Rinald. Who's Ronnie Rinald? Ronnie Rinald, the stage whistler. Oh, right, I thought you were talking about the transfer window for a split second. Even I thought you were talking about that. No, Ronnie Ronell, the stage whistler. I thought you were talking about the transfer window for a split second. Even I thought you were talking about that.

No, Ronnie... Do you want to hear a bit of Ronnie Ronell? Have you got some Ronnie Ronell? It sounds like we're going to. I don't travel anywhere without him. He was certainly the most famous. Doctor Who updates and Ronnie Ronell. Isn't your iPhone a mystery?

Do you want to hear Mournful Ronnie or Upbeat? I'd like Upbeat. Oh, that illustrates the difference. I was going to go for the song. Someone broke the glass. We can do that. You can't have too much Ronnie Ronald in a breakfast show. I think that's an old showbiz motto.

Here's a bit of Ronnie when he's rocking it. Toby's motto. It is a bit of Ronnie when he's rocking it. Listen to that roll. There's a warble on the way. Wait for this warble. Oh, his phone's gone off. So, when was this recorded?

Like, 1819 or something? He's still working, I think, Ronnie. No way. Yeah? Oh, God, yeah. Hopefully not manual labour, and he's just whistling all the way through it. Otherwise, he's not going to do the week. He's not getting the full week out of me.

No way. And also, the only reason that wasn't, like, being trepanned was that there were strings. It was quite nice, because the strings were nice. wasn't like being trepanned was that there were strings it was quite nice because the strings the strings

were nice it wasn't being trepanned good use of trepanned something's annoying you it's like having a drill

in your head what a fabulous use of the trepanning thing he can't pronounce daycock but that's a

good use of trepanned well I'm glad you've mentioned that we've had a text from Dave in Stockton saying if

Frank's right with Tuthuk then the cockerel was right with Des Carters. And I agree. You'll be telling me next that when me and David Baddiel had Prince Nassim on Fantasy Football and he said that he held up his watch. He was quite a

brash character. He held up his watch and he said, I were given this watch by Sultan of Brunei. He said, it's embezzled with diamonds. And we were both too frightened to correct him. Simple as that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What have you got to tell me, you people?

Well, we've had a text in on 8... No, we haven't had a text in. I lied. I'm sorry, I lied. It's a tweet at Frank on Absolute. Oh, what are they? This is from David Blondell. Different forms of community. I bet Ronnie Rennel sent a tweet. There we go.

This is David Blondell. Is he something to do with motor racing or something? He says, Frank, don't use F-E-A as that means... That's Frank, Emily and Alan. As that means ugly girl in Spanish. Good luck with the hot pulp fiction. Ah. Oh, nice.

So that would be what? Fia. Fia. Fia. Wouldn't it be? Everything in the Spanish style has a bit of spit in it. Fia. Yeah, she's there.

Bit one a bit French. Sorry, everyone. Do carry on. And 289 says, Frank, did your dad whistle in the garden because there's no lock on the outside loo? I have to say we did have an outside toilet with no lock. Well, that doesn't surprise me, darling. No, but people were in and out all the time.

No one seemed to care. They didn't linger, let's put it that way. Someone else is saying, don't forget Roger Whittaker, another great whistler. He was a great whistler. He did that... WHISTLING Not easy with a goatee.

This is going to be a great Trails week this week. Various clips of Frank Skinner whistling. And I'm not the best whistler. I find on the high notes, it's just blowing. All right, yeah, yeah. John Lennon. Is there such a thing as a whistling falsetto? I suppose there isn't, is there?

You've just got to reach it. I don't know. I think I've met a few, though. Ridiculous. John Lennon, though, on Jealous Guy. Mm-hmm. Do you remember? Yeah.

So he whistled. Yeah. Must be cool. Okay, so we know he whistled. Oh. Frank, well, I'd like to take this opportunity firstly to thank you. Are you going to whistle? No, I can't whistle very well.

Have a go. I can't get purchase on my tongue. Of course, you know what they say? What? A whistling woman and a crowing hen is neither good to beasts nor men. Who's they? Who says that? That's what we say on Absolute Proverbs.

I thought I heard it on Sex and the City once. The new talk radio station from Absolute. Absolute Proverbs would be fun, wouldn't it? Everyone Absolute's on. You know, they say many hands make... Anyway. The Breakfast Show with Aesop. I'd like that as a...

Frank, I'd like to thank everyone for my presence. You, can I say, one of the star gifts... It's Christian O'Connell's, isn't it? You say, what's that? Breakfast Show with Aesop? I wasn't told about this. Frank, can I just say, sterling work on your part, gift-wise. I think you might have been the star gift this year.

Foxy cushion. A foxy cushion. Lovely Russell Brand-style leather wristbands from the team here. Lovely. Lovely. Rather curious present from my father. Copy of Fifty Shades present from my father. Copy of Fifty Shades of Grey my father gave me.

I think that's a bit weird. It's slightly soiled our relationship. I'm not going to lie. That is a bit of a... Why would your dad buy you that? In case you don't know, Fifty Shades of Grey is a book about my hair. No, it's a sort of an erotic... It's a sex novel. It is, yeah.

It's a sex book. I can't read anything. I can't read that. No, I can a sort of an erotic... It's a sex novel, come on. It is, yeah. It's a sex book. I can't read anything. I can't read that. No, I can't either, Frank. I don't like any... If I'm reading the book and it gets a bit rude, I really don't like it. I don't like my father giving it to me either.

It's wholly inappropriate. That was a mistake. And my niece, we were all sniggering a bit, and my niece, who's 11, said, really accusingly, what's that about then? I don't know what to say. We should have said Frank's hair.

Should have gone with that. You could have said oh it's a book about Andy Gray's favourite song glasses. Think she'd have bought that? That's the trouble. It's so massive now

there's going to be so many spin-offs that sound a bit like Fifty Shades of Grey. How long before someone brings out a book called Fifty Shades of Gay? Which is about all the various manifestations of homosexuality, from the slight twinge, which I have had myself,

to the absolute out-and-out, go-to-work-in-a-complete-ball-girl. Hang on. Can we just reverse back to your slight twinge there? Yeah, I think I've got a bit of hot pulp. Yeah, you know, you're at a Liza Minnelli gig and you think, what a life this would be. Have you been going to the frying pan, Frank?

I think that's the part for you. No, I've only been in the foyer. Yeah. Oh think that's what the pub near you. No, I've only been in the foyer. Yeah. Oh, very good. You're on fire. So, um... Well, I said,

I explained it by saying it's about a silly man. Why have I said that? Can we in the S&M community resent that description? I've said this before. If I don't defend my own people.

And she bought that, did she? No. She's 11. She's very sophisticated. I said it's a silly man and he kisses a lady too much. That's a brilliant description. It's my life story, let's be honest. Spoiler alert.

I haven't heard anything about this book except that now I know there's a man in it and a woman. And kissing. A silly man. Yeah, yeah. Is there any point in me reading it? The whole idea of it makes me feel poorly. Also, it's a book comes out and suddenly there's two other books by the same person.

Do they all come out at the same time? Yeah. I guess how I know. Because my dad bought me all of them. He bought you the trilogy. The trilogy, yes. Oh, my God. Although there's something nice about that,

because if you like one, you then realise, well, I've got a lot of books to get through here that I'm going to enjoy. No, because then he said to me, oh, and I've had to read through them myself. Ah. Oh. I'm not sharing raunch with my dad. Oh, no.

You've got to have a rule, haven't you? Yeah. I just bought somebody the new Bistel cookbook. Nice. Fifty Shades of Gravy. Oh, God. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, I was having a new idea about my niece, Mimi,

who'd asked me what Fifty Shades of Grey was about, and I replied, it's about a silly man. Please tell me you didn't go awkward. No, I didn't. Oh, if anyone does that now, I want to punch them in the stomach as hard as I can. You're within your rights to sack me if I ever say that. It used to be like when people say, ooh, too much information. Oh, yeah.

If you're just going to repeat things that other people say, shut up. It's like saying, what's up? Yay, I'm bringing that back. Oh, I'm bringing that back. Remember that hello? What do you mean? No.

I'm not going to use that as a greeting. Oh, not was awful. Not. There's an American comic book club who invented that. Less in a sort of sailing context. That's acceptable. Anyway, let's not just criticise people. Less in a sort of sailing context, that's acceptable. Let's not just criticise people. Fifty Shades of Grey, the modern Forever by Judy Blume, in my opinion.

Do you remember that? People used to go straight to the... Oh, of course you do, yeah. I do. Yeah, yeah. Judy Blume was a writer. Is she still alive, Judy Blume? She is, yeah.

Wrote for teenage girls and one of them, Forever, is a little bit graphic. Everyone in, all the girls in school went to it. All the ladies here will have read it. Yeah. And me. What? I've read all the Judy Bloom at my school. Filthy. You're kidding me.

Filthy creep. I've never even heard of Judy Bloom. Filthy creep. I know all about Ralph, yeah. I read all of the Tudor books. Filthy creep. I've never even heard of Tudor. Filthy creep. I know all about Ralph, everything. I know the whole lot. You can't talk about Ralph. You can't talk about him. Is that what they call it nowadays?

Exactly, yeah. Oh, my God, he mentioned Ralph. Frank, move on. OK. Move on. I don't know what I'm moving off from. The one thing I think that can save us from this is a little bit of Ronnie Renald.

There's a tear in my eye. Oh, is this the sombre one? This is In A Monastery Garden. We've had a text saying, whistling in the street denotes insanity, not character. Really? We've also had a text saying that.istling in the street denotes insanity, not character. Really? We've also had a text saying... Who's that from? The Taliban?

Blimey. Bank, Daley Thompson whistled the national anthem after getting the gold at the 1984 LA Olympics. That's absolutely brilliant. He would. Why don't the England team do that? Let's not have it played over the speakers. Let's just have overhead mics and the England team do that? Let's not have it played over the speakers. Let's just have overhead mics and the England team go... Oh, that'd be good.

Wasn't there someone whose granddad used to whistle? Oh, yes, there was. My granddad always used to whistle, but only ever the song English Country Garden. I still... This is from 567, by the way. OK. I still think of him whenever I hear that song now, which admittedly isn't very often, but maybe when Absolute 30s is launched.

Oh, this is just for you. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Ian F. And Texas Sunday 12.15.

Or you can follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute. Are we really just calling us E and F? Well, that was a suggestion. I'm led by the listeners in many ways. Really depressing. Yeah. Okay, I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Morning.

Frank, we were talking about sexy books earlier. You were? I don't know what you were talking about. Actually, I think you'll find the cockerel was. Because this is something of a revelation. These were these rites of passage books for females, for 13-year-old girls.

I don't know, I've never met a man in all my years, I'm not saying how long that is, but I've never met a man who's read these until now. Yeah. What was your motivation for reading? Well, I'll tell you what happened. I was at school and I read... You were on a desert island?

Yeah. And you saw this bookcase bobbing up and down on the ocean. We should say for our listeners that, yeah, it's Judy Blume. Judy Blume, yeah. Who wrote lots of, I suppose, early teen fiction, would you call it? Oh, don't tell us! We know what they're about. We're meant to have read them.

For the listeners. I was bringing the listener in like an experienced jock might. And yeah, my English teacher... He's a bit racist. He can say it. It's okay. I can, yeah.

Or an experienced paddy. Or a tass. Might do it. My English teacher at school realised that I'd... Male or female? Male. Mr Firth, I think. Creepy.

And I'd read a lot of the... Mr Firth of the fourth floor. I'd read a lot of the so-called boys' books, whatever they were, the Hardy Brothers or something like that. Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys or something like that? Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. The Hardy Boys, yeah. And he

went, well, we've got these here that the girls read. They're good, but they're filthy creeps. Easy. He might be listening. Yeah, he could be. Oh, he'll be listening, all right. Yeah, and his lawyers could too, Emily Dean, calling him a filthy creep. Did he have lawyers?

I don't remember what he did, was he? I only did that. Actually, the fact that he had lawyers makes me suspicious about it. John Terry had lawyers. He had previous. Go on. So he said, why don't you read one of these Judy Blume books? And I did. But they're pacey.

I've got a... Pacey? I like a page turner. I always have. I'll put you the next time you... Do they still exist, these books? Yes. The next time you see them, it'll say on the back, Pacey, Alan Cockney. But when I was at school, we read The Dice Man by Luke Wright.

Oh, I love The Dice Man. We read the skinhead books, Skinhead Escapes, and all that was on. What's the skinhead book? There's a whole series of books. About the skinhead? Yeah. And all that was on. What's the Skinhead book? There's a whole series of books. About the Skinhead? Yeah. And then there was Suedehead. That's the most 70s concept I've ever heard.

Suedehead was like the development when he went on to... He grew his hair a little bit. Oh, he moved on. Got a crumbie and some Brutus jeans. Oh, nice. So there was those. Well, look at you. I read An Actor Prepares.

That's what I was given as a child. Yes. Well done, Slavsky. And we also read Fire From Heaven, which was about spontaneous human combustion. Oh, that sounds good. Everyone read that, about people just bursting into flames. Yeah. And the other one was Chariots of the Gods,

Eric von Daniken. Oh, yes. All about the fact that... Yeah, a lot of boys read that. Easter Island and that was done by aliens. Oh, right. And a Stonehenge was a landing strip for spacecraft. Oh.

That was my reading at school. I liked Dick Francis. I liked Dick Francis as well. Do you? And I'll tell you something. I hope that's a name and not a verb. On the subject of the Mucky Bits, apparently Dick Francis's wife wrote them quite often.

I didn't know there were Mucky Bits. I don't like... It was occasional. I don't want a Mucky Bit in a horse-based book. Exactly. If I'm going to read that, I want horse racing, you know, yarns. I find I'm reading a book and I'm having a nice time and then suddenly it gets dirty and I think,

I don't want this. I'll go and buy a dirty book if I want that. I'll go and buy a dirty book? In this day. I don't want it to... Go and buy a dirty book? The Skinhead Chronicles. I'll go into a shop and say, have you got any dirty books? Rather than clean books with a bit of dirt in them.

I don't like to be surprised. No, I wish authors would stop putting that stuff in their book altogether. I really am serious about this. I don't like that kind of stuff. It just gets in the way. I don't like that. I'll go to other places for that.

Oh. Sorry, I'll be all right in a minute. What can save me from this? Oh, I know. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about... You were talking about the love between... You've both got powder blue shirts on. You're both singing. It's like being in a penitentiary. It's changed here, hasn't it?

It's changed. Do they sing much in a penitentiary? I imagine they don't. I don't. No, they do, and they're working outside. Elvis did in JLS Rock. Oh, lovely. He sang lovely.

Oh, didn't he, though? He's at his most handsome in JLS Rock, I thought. I know. I used to cry... There goes that twinge again. I used to cry when I was a child, because I'd never marry Elvis. I used to cry when I was a child as well.

The end. I think a child because I'd never marry Elvis. I used to cry when I was a child as well. The end. I think a lot of them do, from my experience. My recent experience. They've got that in their game, haven't they? Yes. So awkward. Actually, can I, this is a bit awkward. This is

a bit of an awkward. This is a genuine thing. I is a genuine thing I went to see I went to see a lady I've been there before bit of Leon Redbone there on Absolute Radio Aesop's breakfast show

I went to see a medical consultant and awkward we'll see how it goes well we and he said to me What? Uh-oh, awkward. Yeah, we'll see how it goes. Well, we? And he said to me, I was talking about the Olympics to him. Everyone's talking about the Olympics now, that's all anyone ever talks about, for goodness sake.

And I said to him, oh, he said to me, I've got a horse in the Paralympics. And I said, well, oh, he said to me, I've got a horse in the Paralympics. And I said, well, what's wrong with it? And I honestly, it never occurred to me. It wasn't a joke. It never occurred to me that you could have a horse that was, like, well in the Paralympics. I assumed that the horses would have to be in some way disabled. But now they're allowed to have able...

You're all looking at me like, what does that cockthroat sign mean exactly? So he said, no, no, no, no, no. He said that the horses can be able-bodied. And basically, I think that's cheating. But I'm not going to push it. Oh, I think you might have already done that. Oh, sorry, I wasn't planning to mount a campaign

saying, you know, what's happened to the Olympics. First, we're not allowed to use other credit cards in the stadiums, and now they're sneaking fit horses. But I'm going to leave it. I can tell from your face if I've been brought up in the first place. It was a genuine inquiry. I wasn't being comical. It was one of those rare occasions in my life. I thought, I'll ask a serious question.

It exploded in my face. Awkward. Yes, it is a bit awkward. But children, a child asked me my favourite colour and I said green and they weren't very happy with it.

What did they say? I didn't know you could get it wrong. Your favourite colour. That was a question you could mess up. You can. I asked a friend's child that once, what's your favourite colour, dear? And she went You can. I asked a friend's child that once, what's your favourite colour, dear? And she went, black. Which is a bit strange.

Early goth. I'm afraid she's going to self-harm at twice. Oh! Well, here goes that cutthroat symbol again. What is it with you people? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio frank um i'd like to talk about it's

actually one of my favorite greeks um yes who is this is it uh aristotle um no george michael ah george mich Now, have you guys been reading this this week? Well, I say, he actually revealed himself to Chris Evans. Oh, he's not still doing that. He's been in trouble there before, hasn't he? Yeah, exactly. Now, he was talking about when he was in a coma. Oh, yeah.

Last year, you may recall. And apparently, when he emerged from his coma, he claims that he came out of there... When he emerged from his coma he claims that he came out when he emerged from his coma he just carried on driving he always did he just put the handbrake on for it briefly yeah go on he said um he said he was speaking in a west country accent and he said the first thing he said in a bristolian accent was i'm king of the world. Well, surely that was Queen for a start. Oh, I can't believe you said that. But, Frank, you see, this is foreign accent syndrome.

Hold on, he's not king of the world, is he? No, he's not king of the world. I have to say, if they suddenly announced there was going to be a king of the world, I'd sort of be all right with it being George Michael. Yeah, I do love him. Well, I'm not a big fan of his. I just think he'd be fairly broad-minded and even-handed character. Yeah, he wouldn't be like some horrible despot, would he?

He'd be quite balanced. And I imagine... Maybe not balanced. I don't know how safe the roads would be. Yeah, but you can imagine his regalia would be interesting. Yeah, the highway code would be a slimmer volume fairly quickly, wouldn't it? Do what you like. So he said...

Be sold at Sleepland. Carry on. No, so he had that foreign accent syndrome, which FYI, George, I don't believe. That's one of the things I don't believe. Really? You don't believe? Well, you know how, Frank, we discuss on the show what we don't believe. In his defence, I went to a cider tasting tent the other week and he was standing at the door saying,

no, it's not your culture. Can I say, it's not your culture is, as I think we all know, is what George said when he was stopped by the American police at a lavatory. Yes. And it wasn't their culture. He was quite right. No. He was right, yeah.

He said... Back off! That's not your culture! That's a lot of words. That's because they're from the West Coast, you see. I know, but they don't always be quite... He said they were afraid I'd have it for life, which I thought was quite a harsh judgement of the Bristol accent.

Like it was typhoid or something. No, but he does a politically correct bit in that. Oh, does he? Because he says not that there's anything wrong with having that. Because he has to do one of those... I suppose if you've already lived a life where you haven't got a Bristol accent and you suddenly do, people are going to raise an eyebrow. They think this is strange you know no but what generally um what

you have to do you know in any sort of public speaking is use the phrase not that there's anything wrong with and then say something that there is something a little bit wrong with right yeah yeah like your uh paralympic horses thing not that there's anything wrong i'll say you've had to do it you see you've had to do it it's as simple as that that's it i think he got off lucky i mean some people in the papers you read about they're in comas and their relatives are playing them some of the worst music you've ever heard in your life it was always it's never good stuff it's always and he came out we played in boy zone and he came out to say stop stop playing that.

You see, my dad tried to set me up with someone who'd been in a coma once. And you didn't go? Well, he said he's good looking, he's funny, he's smart, he's handsome, but he doesn't know anything that happened between 1996 and 2005. I know people like that. They weren't in a coma. They just partied up. I know people like that.

They're just thick. But I used to go out with a lot of people and there was no point in mentioning anything before the Ninja Turtles. But that was just their youth. Frank, you wouldn't know about Three Lions, which would render our friendship pointless, I have to say. Well, I could live with that.

Yeah. Did you... It wasn't Joshua and coma. No. No, do you know, I didn't. It wasn't because of the coma. It did worry me, though, a bit, because those were big years for me,

and a lot of my references are to the 90s. You don't want to be planning breakfast in bed if you're going out with him, do you? You know, it's a lottery. I'll do it in the oven. I think it's a bit... It's a bit harsh. Yeah, put the crock pot on.

It's a bit harsh to not go out with someone because they used to be in a coma. Not that there's anything wrong with being in a coma. I'd go along purely because they had been in a coma. He's missed so much, though. Give him a bit of interrogation. He doesn't know about wonder bras. He doesn't know about new labour.

Well, that's a plus, right? He'd think, wow. She's perched. George, you stay out of this. No, I was just saying no, weren't I? Oh, music. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. We were, what were we talking about? Combers. George Michael. It's not a colloquial term for hairdressing, Pete. I sometimes go through phases of having quite broken sleeps, and I think, oh, I could really do with a big sleep. So when this was in the paper, I thought,

I could really do with a coma for a while, you know? You know when you sort of... Careful what you wish for. Yeah, exactly. But you know, sometimes a really big sleep, you feel like you've pressed your own reset button. Yeah, it's like being rebooted. It's a lovely feeling. I wonder if people wake up from a coma with that. That's why I would have gone on the date to ask lots of coma questions. I should say that because Coma Boy, which we've called him, I'm sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. The man who'd been in the coma. Sorry. He had amazing skin, Frank. Did he? Yes. Why? Well, because he hadn't been exposed to sunlight for so long. He had a ten year sleep. In the nice weather. I know.

Like at junior school. He'd have been hydrated I suppose with the drip. He had a ten year sleep. Can you imagine how awesome he looked? Oh, wow. No illegal substances, no alcohol, no bad food or anything. He looked great. He did look very young. Oh, I'd love that. Unnaturally youthful. I'm not recommending it. I'd love a ten year kip. But he must have had some Pistorius-style toenails on him. Did they cut the toenails on him?

Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know why you're looking at me. I haven't... I've not dated or nearly dated a coma boy as... I didn't check his toenails first. I don't know. Couldn't we say there's nothing funny on you and absolutely that, being in a coma?

No. Once you're out, you might as well have a laugh about it. You're fair game. Yeah. I know someone's going to text him and say, you know, I was in a coma and it was... Restful. They might not say that. I'd like to wake up posh, I think, from a coma.

Oh, that would be great. Oh, I'd love that. I say, by George, I feel rather drowsy. And if you'd forgotten all the stuff... Hold on, I think I've just had an idiotic eureka moment. What? Is Boy George a pun on By... No.

By George? No. Wow. No, that's not an idiotic... Are you sure? Yeah. Positive. How can you be positive? Because I just don't even think that would be in his frame of reference.

Why would you choose Boy George as a name? Because his name is George O'Dowd. Yes. But George, I'm not quibbling. And he looked like a lady. So he was referring to the fact that he was actually a gentleman. Oh. Oh, yeah.

No. Oh. Because your explanation's infinitely practical, isn't it? Yeah. It's all Bay George. I'll cash in on that. But I won't call myself Bae George, I'll call myself Boy George.

He was from Birmingham. He worked in the Oasis. He said, Boy George. That's what's happened there. I bet you that's right. There's any Boy George enthusiasts, I bet you that's a pun on Bae George. Frank, can you imagine if I woke up

with a Birmingham accent? Oh, I'd love that. A Birmingham? Yeah, if I had a Birmingham accent. I'm afraid you'd have to lose your job in the fashion industry. If next week I came in and Frank was posh and you had a Birmingham accent, it'd be like I was living some kind of weird 80s film where people switched personalities like Big or Freaky Friday or something.

Yeah. That'd be fun, wouldn't it? You can swap with me. You can be posh and I'll say Freaky Friday. As you know, I frequently spend whole days pretending to be Welsh around the house. I think I may have mentioned that before. I love... Can I say I don't

think you have? I think I love pretending to be Welsh. Yeah, yeah. It's one of my alright, how are you? That sort of thing. You know, I can do it for longer. I'll guess what it would be like. Oh, lovely. And I have a slightly demonic Scottish character that I do to my wife's chagrin You know, I could do it for longer. No, I know. I'll guess what it would be like. Oh, lovely. And I have a slightly demonic Scottish character that I do to my wife's chagrin. Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

She does the chagrin. Yeah. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about this for a bit of a classic? Do you remember this?

Email Corner Wow, that was sent in by one of our listeners, whose name escapes me. But he was Dutch, wasn't he? He was in Holland, anyway. Oh, well. He was in the Netherlands. That doesn't mean he must listen to send it in.

He kind of just sent it in on a psychic wave. No, I was just saying that we can't remember his name, but we can remember some supporting evidence. We've narrowed him down to about 18 million. Is that a guess? That's a complete guess. I'm happy to face up the fact that I don't know the population of the Netherlands. Actually, I like the fact that you for a moment thought,

that's a bit of a pointless moment. You can just have a guess. There we go. I have an email here. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, I can't be 100% sure, but I think I just sat opposite the lovely Emily on the Northern Line.

It's Friday 8.30ish. Is that the name of a cab company? This is the equivalent of going to a well-known fast food chicken place after the day. It's Friday 8.30ish and she got off at Highgate. The reason I can't be totally sure is because, although I didn't recognise her voice, her face, her beautiful voice penetrated the tube like some beautiful velvety sound wand. Thanks, Gary Wells, a big fan of the show, he says. Well, I think that must have been.

She has got a voice like a velvety sound wand. I think I was drunk. It really collects the... I think I was drunk. It is velvety, though. It collects the bits, doesn't it? Well, I can exclusively reveal... I'd like to get some of that sellota the other way around get the bits off her sound wand

this may shock you that was me you were on the tube I was on the tube I was with a male friend oh Gary Wells doesn't seem to know that no

no I was it's a work colleague it's perfectly innocent. Oh, is this all right? Yeah. Well, it would be. And were you holding court and he heard the beautiful...

How dare you? The beautiful velvety sound wand How did you know his name? Well, how lovely, that he recognised your velvety sound wand. I'm so excited about that. But at the same time,

I'm slightly worried about this setting a precedent for listeners emailing saying that they've seen us. Was that Alan eating a corned beef sandwich on the Virgin train from Manchester? I know. Was that Frank entering a door with a lighted sign that said model above it?

That's how it's going to go. I'm amazed there's models living in those places. You'd think they'd make more money than that, wouldn't you? You would. I know. I think I saw Elle Macpherson looking through the window of one the other day. You'd think she'd tidy up the bell and get rid of that sellotape as well.

Exactly. What's going on with these people? Frank, do you remember recently we're still sort of on email corner. Yes. We'd been discussing the sort of on email corner we'd been discussing the sort of derivation of the term 99 yeah I'd been to an ice cream van for the first time for ages again contributing to my

toothache probably Mike Chapman we fixed you Mike Chapman has been doing some research for us, he says he's emailed and he said, I asked an ice cream vendor about 99s. A vendor?

He said it was the chocolate flake that was a 99. Cadbury's make the flake and call it a 99. He had a box full. I like that, sounds like a skin full. He had a box full. I love he had a box full of supporting evidence for the guy's information. Like, yeah, I've got a house.

It doesn't make me an architect. I thought it made him sound like it. I thought he meant like, you know when they say there's one sandwich short of a picnic? He had a box full. He knew. He knew what he was talking about. I thought it meant he was intoxicated.

So the flake is the 99? Yes. You're telling me that the cornet and the ice cream is just context. Yeah. For the night. Wow. Yeah. Just Margaret Thatcher mush, that is.

Oh, yeah. What? Oh, God. The Mr. Whippy. Well, they say that it's 9.9 millimetres, the flake. That's another urban myth I've heard. That's why I said, yeah, do the... There's a lot of...

Who's there? There's a lot of additives and E's and all that in it. Other? You say that like it's a bad thing. I could change the sales. You know when people say, tonight I'm going to party like I've had 1999s? And we got there in the end. Thank you, congratulations.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you, congratulations. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't you know?

And hold on a minute. Did I sound like I finished? You did a bit. You did, actually. We've got a texting on 8-12-15 and follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute Moment. Lovely. Do they got that? I think so, yeah.

How many tweets do we have, Midshire? Four? No. 4,000. For example? Four million. Sean McFarlane, is Sandy Warne named after Churchill's We'll Fight Them on the Beaches speech? No. Okay, there you go.

This is how we deal with your correspondence when it comes in. I bet she's had that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I haven't called her Sandy Warhol for a long time. No. Anyway. Advisable.

This is from 070. Is this an email corner? Well, yes, but that's unusual an email corner. But I like that. He's sticking to the prisoner format. Oh, nice. Respectamundo. He says, dear Frank and team, I usually listen to the show.

I like that. I'm less keen on that. I usually listen to the show via podcast, travelling to away matches up and down the country, so I have a backlog to get through. All right. I've just heard Alan say he can't resist buying trainers. I know what he means, as I collect them too.

Hold on, that was about three weeks ago? It was about three weeks ago. What away match was he going to? Maybe a pre-season friendly or something. Three weeks ago, I don't think so. Maybe he does the cricket season. Three weeks ago that I said it, and he's the cricket season. Three weeks ago that I said it. Maybe he's got a backlog of away matches as well.

He might be one of those ones that lies. Maybe he's driving to screenings of some away matches, as he does with his podcasts. Oh, 707. He says, I currently have 21 pairs still boxed with tags on that are unworn. They won't keep all their pairs. Do you know that's... That's quite wrapper, isn't it?

21 pairs of trainers unworn. I'm wearing three other pairs on a rotation basis. Yeah, this is the difference between he and I, because he calls himself a collector. I'm not. I'm just a person who buys too many pairs of trainers and then wears them. I haven't got any brand new trainers in boxes. No.

Box fresh guy? No. I haven't. I haven't got that. I respect him for that. I do too. And he wears three pairs on a rotation. That's good. Still haven't had any through, have we? Any added originals? We've had a lot through. I've burnt them. UK 10. Not a single pair pair I don't want your charity

I do After my pants failure Maybe I should explain that I don't think so Anyway, we've got to move on I was visiting the Alamo Once in Texas And not the car, I mean the actual

fort itself. And I had a pair of them Tiger Trainers. You know the ones I mean? Tiger Feet? Tiger Trainers like what Bruce Lee wore in Game of Death. Oh yes, I'm familiar with them.

Kung Fu Slippers? No, not Kung Fu Slippers. They were completely somewhat all together. You remember those little black things with the canvas footage? Yeah. Ah. It's funny you should mention that,

but I'll come to that in a minute. But anyway, I had these Tiger trainers on, which I had purchased because Bruce Lee wore them, I'll be honest with you. This was in the days when I used to... I was the kind of person who would dress... I say in the days, it was about three years ago. Oh, I know the honest with you. This was in the days when I used to... I was the kind of person who would... I say in the days, it was about three years ago. Oh, I know the trainers you mean. Got you.

Yeah. And I went up to some sort of concession stand and this guy said, Oh, Tiger Trainers. And I said, yeah. And he said, yeah, I've got 18 pairs of tigers. And it was Noah. It wasn't.

And he said, yeah, those aren't the originals. They don't have the leather loop. Oh, and he's so Calvin Classic, Frank. He basically tore them apart. Oh, no. I don't know if you've ever tried walking when you're ashamed of your footwear. Gives you a slight limp. Yeah, it was really...

Oh, I felt like a terrible fool. How dare he, Frank? Yeah, I mean, I'm not a collector. I just happened to have three pairs. I won't have him speak to you like that. Three pairs. I have the classic yellow with black, as in Game of Deathstroke Kill Bill. And then I have red on black and yellow on blue

yeah red and black's nice see I didn't need that that's what I'm saying I once went to a Ramones gig dressed completely as a Ramone like narrow jeans white trainers t-shirt and leather bike

how did it go down you look I don't know I think people thought he looks great. Was this recently darling? No this was when the Ramones were alive. Did you think it was like the Rocky Horror Picture Show or something where people go along dressed up? But then again people go to

football matches dressed as their heroes. They do. So don't give me that look. They do. Everyone said judge ye not for as judge, so shall ye be judged. That's what I said to Len Goodman. I'm sorry. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There's a slight medical emergency. Producer Daisy's got her hair stuck in her headphones. Don't leave that on the headphones. Well, that's not the only way in which she's... People don't want that. It's like one of those Scottish hats with the ginger hair coming out.

Headphones with a fringe. Oh, I always buy one of those. Lovely texture. That's not the only appearance Daisy's making, because Bernie in Canada says, Hello all, speaking of footwear, which we were earlier, what a lovely pair of sandals I'm seeing on the webcam. Oh, that's Daisy's Birkenstocks.

Yeah. There you go. She was very quick to point out when I suggested they might not be real Birkenstocks. Well, you did suggest they might be snide. Well, no, I thought Dr. Scholl's. Dr. Scholl, not dental assistant. Hey! She's not a dental assistant.

No, Dr. Scholl, can you get them not on prescription? Dr. Scholl. Is he Scholl or Scholl? Can't be Dr. Scholl. I don't know, but they'll text in. I don't know. You're the one that says Tuthick. Shut up.

I'm the one that says Descartes. Exactly. I know who I'd rather be. All right. So you were talking about the old Kung Fus before, as we used to call those. You call them Kung Fu slippers. We just call them Kung Fus.

Got a pair of Kung Fus. Lovely. Do you remember? They're like black material. Yeah. And Kung Fus, got a pair of Kung Fus. Lovely. Do you remember, they're like black material.

The other day I lay in bed and it was a quiet time. And I lay in bed and I realised that I'd spent about half an hour just thinking about old pairs of shoes that I used to have. Oh, funny. With a twinkle in my eye, I mean, way back. And I thought about my Kung Fus. And they were of a great dilemma to make. I don't know if you remember when there was a big burst of popularity. Yes.

We're talking about the ones with the elasticated eyes, either side. Yes. Yeah. Did they have elasticated eyes? I'm thinking of a front gosset. But then again, I always am. Oh, that's like a plimsoll. Oh, no, you're right. Theyll. Oh, no, you're right.

They did have, no, you're right, they did have side vents. Vents. I'm calling them vents. Okay. And I had a pair of them, and the thing was, you had to wear them without socks. Yeah. Wouldn't you agree? Oh. I don't know. Well, I think everyone wore them. Bruce Lee would have. Bruce definitely did.

I don't know if he had a sock in the house. I'm just worried that the fabric, the cheap fabric, could withstand the... Well, that's it. The odour. That's it, you see. I'm not a man who can wear a shoe without a sock. You know, sometimes you'll see a continental man in a brown loafer without socks. But I am not a man who can do that.

We used to have competitions when I was at college. If ever we were in a room with a wooden floor, we'd take our shoes off and put our stocking feet down on the floor and whoever got the darkest sweat patch won. And I was... Did you clean up? Oh, absolutely. Always on the leaderboard.

Always. So my kung fu's, they disintegrated eventually. It was like acid rain from the inside. So my Kung Fus, they disintegrated eventually. Oh, God, that's depressing. It was like acid rain from the inside. But the ones that... Do you remember the summer of the corduroy shoe?

No. Maybe I'm... There was a summer where suddenly everyone was wearing corduroy shoes. It was fabulous. They've gone now. Where are they now? It wouldn't have worked this summer, would it? Two weeks.

I had a black slip-on and a brown chukka boot in corduroy. Oh, corduroy. It's all coming back to me now. Yeah, do you remember it? Yes, I think I do. And we used to say, and this is, I think, in the same tradition as the Tothache, they used to say,

the trouble is, don't wear them in rain, because they're corduroy. There'll be eight people in the West Midlands laughing their heads off at that. That's your target crowd. Well, at least six of them. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Bradley Wiggins, if he wins the Tour of France... That's the mod cyclist. Yeah. If he wins... Did you just call it the Tour of France? Yeah. He's like a young gentleman in 18th century Europe. Interesting.

Because normally you never miss an opportunity to put a bit of foreign language into a sentence. I know that, but I won't have it imposed. Because... For France. Yes. I take the Nazi occupation line. Is that you have to...

I'll use it when I feel like it. So if he wins the French bike race... Yeah, if he wins that, then the frustrating thing is the yellow jersey you get to keep it but you wouldn't want to wear it out it would seem pretentious

to wear it out although he is a mod and they love a cycling top the mods yeah but you couldn't wear the yellow jersey out I think that's why he got into the sport

well yeah and he's in the world scooter championships next year it's true it'd be frustrating that we've had a lot of textings about the World Scooter Championships next year. It's true, it'd be frustrating that. We've had a lot of text-ins about shoe reminiscing. Yeah.

From people who had a pair of green corduroy pixie boots. I remember the green corduroy. Remember Doc Martens. There's a correctione as well, Frank. Oh, this is the important thing. The correctione. Correctione 248. Hi, sorryzione as well, Frank. Oh, this is the important thing. The Correzione. Correzione 248. Hi, sorry to correct you, Frank, but Bruce Lee always wore white socks with his Kung Fu slippers.

I only know because I'm a bit of a Bruce Lee fanatic. Actually, you know, you might be right. Now you come to mention it. I'm just seeing you. I had an image of him then, horizontally, mid-air. I remember the one. He says, I too only have a modest six pairs of tigers. He'd be a good friend for you.

Lovely. And he likes the fall as well, so he would be a good friend. He likes the fall and Bruce Lee. Are you sure it's not from me? I know, because I didn't know about the white socks. I'd forgotten about that. He's from Gateshead. There we go. Oh, well, my dad was from County Durham.

It's in the ballpark. There we go. Oh, well, my dad was from County Durham. It's in the ballpark. There you go. What long-distance friendships can work nowadays, can't they? Well, didn't work for Tom Cruise. Can we get off the subject of Tom Cruise? It makes me nervous. Sorry. We were talking about your shoe collection.

Oh, yes. And how you were feeling quite nostalgic. No, Doc Martens. Somebody mentioned Doc. Is it a myth that Dot Martins that the air used to come out of the soul oh is that right let's ask Martin Clunes

he'll know the answer to this at school we used to talk about oh I think I've got a poncho in me left dock oh yeah and I don't know if we imagined that they would have come in handy for you because you could have done with that breathing. I had one go a bit.

It felt like it had gone flat on one of the shoes on me. It felt like I was... It felt like I had one foot in the gutter all the time, which, of course, is the Pete Doherty autobiography. But, yeah, I'd like to know that. Did they go flat or is that something we just made up at school? Well, I'm from a generation where Nike Air started to bubble and they popped occasionally.

He's after freebies again. I'm not. I'm an Adidas Originals guy. I'm not bothered for Nike Air. Keep them. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

What was we? Weren't we? Who were we? Well, we were actually talking about old shoes. Oh, yeah. Doc Martens. Doc Martens' airwear. Someone's texted in.

Airwear. That's what they were called. So they could be, but could they be punctured? No, he's not. He's not given us that information. He's just texted airwear. He's tantalised. That's what he's done.

Frank, never mind old shoes. OK. I'd like to talk to you about, did you read about this Bruce Springsteen gate? Who didn't? Yeah. Well, it was, I have to say, though, I was quite relieved when I heard about it

because the encore is something I fear, the faux encore. I hate it so much. Yes, I don't. Why do people still do that? It's incredible, isn't it? But my favourite thing was, this guitarist, is it Steve Van Zandt? He got very angry, didn't he? He's been

tweeting all week about it. Has he? Yes! He's very upset. He said, when I'm jamming with McCartney don't bug me. But also the health and safety dude got a bit miffed, saying don't blame us, which is a good point. If But also the health and safety dude got a bit miffed, saying, don't blame us, which is a good point. If you work in health and safety

and people are always blaming health and safety, you think, no, it's just time, isn't it? Yeah, perhaps it was health. I think it was the health and safety argument was that because it was Paul McCartney and Bruce Springsteen, it was bedtime. Someone had to decide it was bedtime. I do wonder what their bedtimes are.

Like, when they've not got a gig, when do they go to bed, do you think? Paul McCartney, 845, I reckon. Is that right? Genuinely 845. I bet Bruce still stays up late. Pre-Watershed. No, Bruce is about 10.

In case you don't know this story, Bruce Springsteen played Hyde Park and he was joined on stage by Sir Paul McCartney for I saw her standing there I think they were doing I believe so and then came the curfew you've got to have a curfew there and they pulled the plug

and they were all very upset about it I don't think Paul was bothered I do wonder if there was like an Abbott and Costello style scene where someone was turning the power off and somebody else was saying I want to speak to the boss and somebody else was saying, I want to speak to the boss. I am the boss. No, I want to speak to the boss. Yeah, but what I don't like is he did a gig in Dublin this week and he held up a sign at one point that said

only the boss decides when the plug gets pulled. And a props man had made a generator as well. Yeah, but if anybody... Oh, I thought that was real. If anybody refers to themselves by their nickname, I tend to write them off as a human being. Well, if linds was there as well then we're in real trouble the governor's watching the boss exactly too many chiefs at this gig yeah exactly absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio She ended her concert on time, so we were talking about the boss and the curfew.

We were talking about the boss, yes. I wonder when her bedtime is. Who, Madonna? On a non-good night. We said, we thought, I think Paul McCartney's 8.45. I'm going 10pm boss. No, I bet Madonna stays up late. No, I think she's a control freak type.

Do you think she stays up late? Yes, she looks like she stays up late. But she has a timed nap during the day, do you think? Oh, yeah. Like, exactly two hours or something. Yeah, I imagine she sleeps in ankle clamps upside down as part of some sort of health thing. Yeah.

There's almost nothing I wouldn't believe of her. Yeah. She sleeps naked upside down in ankle claps and his giraffes urinate on her. And it makes her look younger, apparently. Oh. I saw a giraffe that week.

I can exclusively reveal it doesn't. You saw a giraffe? I'm sorry. Sorry to break up this party of delusion here. Early days. They only got the giraffes in two weeks ago. They did a deal with Somalia. It's part of the whole thing. You get two kids, 12 giraffes.

It's a job lot. You saw a giraffe last week, did you see? Yeah, we went to Longleat Safari Park. I thought you meant, you know. I thought you meant roaming around the naked city. There's one running through Piccadilly in Manchester. Just one looking through your window, you know, with them two. Oh, lovely eyelashes.

The two lumps. Big, full, girls-allowed eyelashes. They're fabulous, yeah, but what are those lumps? What lumps? They're not antennae. They're not ears. No, I don't know what they are. No?

They need to get them lanced. Yep. Lanced. That was great. That's such a long A vowel you went for there. Lanced. I'm them lanced. Lanced. That was great. That's such a long A vowel you went for there. Lanced. I'm saying lanced. Well, the thing is, I like the fact that they ended the Springsteen gig like that.

Yeah. I used to drink in a pub owned by Indian people, and a lot of the music on the jukebox was Indian music. Okay. And Indian music, I think I'm allowed, I can sing Indian music on a lot of the music on the jukebox was indian music okay and indian music i think i'm allowed i can i can i can sing indian music on a version of i think so you mean in terms of political correctness yeah that's all right i mean i've worked in the indian music field i've worked in the indian music field i arranged haydn's symphony number 88 for

indian instruments i did Hide and seek, I called it. No, I made that up. Go on, then. Just sit, Frank. It's a turban myth. Hey, I like saying this. Sing it, Frank. OK, so there was a song that we used to call Charlie Kelly

just because the vocals sounded a bit like they were saying Charlie Kelly. If there's anyone here who speaks Punjabi, Gujarati, whatever, forgive me. But this is how it used to end. You just go, Charlie Kelly, Charlie Kelly, Charlie Kelly. If there's anyone here who speaks Punjabi, Gujarati, whatever, forgive me. But this is how it used to end. You'd just go, Charlie Kelly, Kelly, Charlie Kelly, Charlie, Charlie. That was how it ended. And a lot of the Indian songs ended like, it was like, we used to talk about the studio scissors. That's long

enough. And there's someone very satisfying about it. Just, get out of there. And that's what they did. I've seen Bruce Springsteen. Was that the landlord just pulling the out of there. And that's what they did. I've seen Bruce Springsteen. Why is that the landlord just pulling the plug there? How do I see it? If you buy, I don't know if it's still the same, but in those days, if you bought, you know,

any Indian music, In radio terms, they don't need a feed. They're not... You've got to be on your toes on Indian radio. Oh, hey there. It's all going really well. We were just chatting about shoes we used to own. Yeah, I saw the boss live. Did you, Tank?

You know, I've never been a fan of his, but he was brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant live. But he did do three hours and twenty minutes. Right. He's the Ken Dodd. Now we're putting a different light on it, you see. So I think, you know, enough is enough. Well, he could power that with his generator, couldn't he? He's got his own Jenny now.

It's not real. No, it's not. He's a bit Doctor Who. I've really taken that to face value. We've had an email in. This is from, let me find the name. Oh, I think they're anonymous, actually. No name.

It's not Anonymous Bosch. No. Go on, carry on. Good morning, Frank Allen. I've gone wordplay crazy today. So what's new? And I like it. Quiet week at work, so I found myself listening and laughing to the old podcasts.

Lovely. What happened to American Sue with her photos of her cactus she was sending to Frank? Blimey. I forgot all about her. This is a woman, in case you're new to the show who used to email me like 20 emails a week from somewhere in america with photos of her cactus and a terrible house and i i i emailed back saying i'm not who you think i am i'm because it was she wasn't doing like a frank skinner she just got the name wrong, my name was a bit like someone else's. It was to a female friend

wasn't it I think, yeah. And she still kept sending, but until you mention that she actually, I assume she just walked into the ocean. She had that she had that feel about her, someone who would do that. She's found a better song to sing

now. Yes, I hope she's found someone else to, but now. Yes, I hope she's found someone else to... But yeah, that's a rave. Anon also says, am I too late with the texting for the show's commission due to the name? Ah yes, this was based on it. This is a

walk down memory lane. I think we were on about the fact that it was Aide Edmondson was doing a show called Aide in Britain. And I was talking about the fact... My was Ade Edmondson was doing a show called Ade in Britain and I was talking about the fact my original point was there was

a programme called Winton Wonderland which I said only was made because they liked the pun in title the only reason

it was made and we thought Ade in Britain may be the same so then people sent in titles for prospective

many many suggestions and we have some. So this person has suggested Cock of the Walk. The cockerel dons his boots and presents a selection of his favourite walks. That'd be good. I could wear a variety of different trainers, couldn't I? Yeah.

Not necessarily walking boots. I'd like you to wear a boot, a pixie boot. A corduroy pixie boot. I'd like you to have to do a sort of goth walk. That would be good. What about Cock's Coma, in which you do a documentary about people in a coma having a massive sleep? Hey, what about this, Frank?

Or a show where Emily would present a show on ice skating with Keith Harris called Orville and Dean. Nice. That would be great. I'm in. Now, that's a pun I like. I'd like one in which the Prime Minister, when he's finished his job, because he's quite busy,

goes in a reality show, goes out to a republic in Central Africa and gives them advice on how to run the country. It could be called David Cameroon. It's sad we've got to end on that, but that's the way it goes, isn't it? You know, you can't write life. I think we should just adopt the Indian music policy on this show now. We've just cut it off right in the middle of a sentence.

That would be absolutely brilliant. I'm happy to do that. Well, look, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back this time next week. So, that. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So that.