The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Yo Sausage

Episode Date: November 2, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank returns this week and is joined by Emily and Alun. As well as Halloween the team discuss communal living and in particular Emily washing Frank's small. Alun gives his showbiz filming update and they all reveal their top 3 favourite animals - but does a Centaur count?

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean. I'm with Alan Cochran. And, um, Bernie Clifton is with us this morning. He isn't. He isn't. We don't have guests. I like to talk the show up a bit sometimes. No. We used to have them. Yeah, we did. We abolished them. You know, they abol brought it on themselves.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can just email us through the, you know, the Absolute Radio website. Yeah. Straightforward. We'd love to hear from you, because I'd just like to know that someone out there...

It's not essential, I'll be honest with you, but I like it. That sounds terribly bleak. No, but I don't mind if it's just the three of us sometimes. It's still a bit of a laugh. Oh, yeah. But then you feel like, you know, you're right, you do like to talk the show up, don't you? I still have a bit of a laugh.

Yeah, well, you know, I don't want to start bragging about how hilarious it is, how Vince-hilarious, as they used to say at Crystal Palace. But I'm into lots of people this week. I've had lots of people kind of a week. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? No, what do you mean? I don't like the sound of it.

Well, I went last weekend. I didn't do the show. I don't know if you even noticed. I never, but... I played the wrong song oh did you yeah well same song it's best that we get this over with now okay you genuinely looked a bit horrified i can see it in your eyes um i started playing i got all excited and i played the same song twice and then daisy went no no that's all right i dealt with it i'm

gonna play white light white heat by velvet underground about 11 times this morning i'll be fine with it yeah no well you know who cares oh that's the spirit in it love it but you know what love the spirit you know if you if you've got a a song a record at home you know a a record. I've heard of them. And you like it and you play it once. You think, you know what? I'll play it again. Yeah. Then you play it again.

There's five people to that. Yeah. I'm very much against the no repeat guarantee. I think it's a basic misunderstanding of how people enjoy music. But you're being fired. So anyway, instead of doing the show, I went to Southwold, out on the east coast. Oh, do you know? Familiar? I filmed Nanny there when I was a child.

Me too. Haven't we all? Yeah. I filmed a nanny there this week, but she was in a house across the road. You had your long lens. I did have my long lens, yeah. Joe Frost has got an injunction out now. Long lens, surely, is a brand of underwear that Len Goodman could bring out commercially.

Yes, with three little buttons in the fly area. I'll be wearing my long lens this winter. That'd be good. Yeah, if you're listening, Len. Or the dancing. The dancing was very cold, I suppose. I'll have a size. I'll have one!

So, anyway, I went to... We were staying in this house right by the pier, it was, at Southwold. Oh, lovely. I once went on the beach at Southwold with my friend Tracy and we ate samphire.

You know what samphire is? I love samphire. I just picked it and ate it. I don't know what that is. It's the, they grow it a lot. Did you have a holiday in Norfolk? No. It tastes of cat urine.

It tastes of cat urine. What's wrong with you? Oh, it's lovely, Frank. Don't you like it? Do you think it tastes of cat urine? Yeah, it's lovely. Yeah. It does when you eat it straight off the beach, anyway.

Everything, anything on the ground. It's a bit like. Yeah, it's lovely. It does when you eat it straight off the feed, don't you? Everything, anything on the ground. It's a bit like every man's asparagus. Yes. Yeah? Yeah. I consider myself every man and I just have asparagus. Anyway, there was 16 adults and 8 children in one house. Oh. adults and eight children in one house oh and uh it was um we had a long talk about communal living

because on one level it's very very enjoyable my friend matthew came with us and he's he's something of a uh he used to work in politics so he's a he's a big analyzer so he was saying he was talking about communes and says that often what happens is a leader, without a leader they disintegrate, so they have to elect a leader. And that's the difference. And I felt there, even in being there for a weekend, we were sort of somewhere in between Big Brother and the Manson family, depending on how the dynamic went.

But I did, I liked, you know, I think I could do it. I think I could do it. I think I could live with a big house full of... Don't you need certain practical skills? I'm not suggesting you haven't got them, but your trip to France where you said you refused to cook or wash up. You can't walk in a straight line

as much as you do if you live on your own. True. That's one of the things. I can see... You're a man of few needs and i think that that sort of priestly well nowadays thank god for that i thought i'd miss it but you know i'm glad it's gone this is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

I had an email in, I thought it was a text from on to 8.12.15. People can text that, but we've had an email. Morning, Frank, I'm a long-time listener to the show and bravo on that. That's as near to phrase as will look. No, a long-time listener to the show and bravo. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's across several media platforms. He is, he is. I love the expression Bravo. Something my parents

used to say at the theatre. I love it when people shout that at the theatre. I shouted it at West Brom once. Just didn't work. I love the Saturday morning chuckles I can have. Anyway, the reason for this

email is to find out who is in the background forever laughing. It sounds like you've got about two, three other people in the studio. You know, I've been trying to ask my psychiatrist that for about 15 years. One of which stands out when she laughs. I'm not meaning Emily or Alan. Looking forward to finding out. Thanks, Al Wimbledon. Well, it's a choice of two, isn't it, Frank?

Yes. Well, Daisy, our producer, she laughs. Oh, she laughs. And then Charlie, her assistant producer, also laughs. I'm not saying that they have to laugh, but we have had people who occasionally have stood in

when it's been a holiday. And they haven't laughed. I know me and Emily, I can remember distinctly having the conversation. Well, they were all right, you know, but they didn't laugh that much, did they? So there's pressure to laugh. I'll be completely honest with you. I can't believe you're saying it like that. Like it's demonic.

Yeah, it's a bit like, you know, if you were to say, EDR means house servant. Yeah. You know, you wouldn't... I know you said I want a kiora. Yeah. You wouldn't say, oh, actually, I don't... I know you said I want a kiora. Yeah. You wouldn't say, oh, actually, I don't really want to go out.

It's a bit hot. You know what I mean? He's never told you that he'd eat you. Exactly, Frank. I'd go one further. We usually do. Well, yeah. The laughter's got to be genuine.

Yes, that's the other thing, is they have to laugh, and also it has to be genuine. It's a tricky little... Yes, that's the other thing, is they have to laugh and also it has to be genuine. It's a tricky little conundrum. It's not a good conundrum, is it? Of course, being a Catholic, I can't even use a conundrum. No. I like to think it's a bit like working for Kim Jong-un,

working for us. Yes. I imagine he's... Well, Dennis Rodman's here. I think he's probably a bit more easygoing. But anyway, so I'd say it's something about the... I mean, could we?

Could we live together, do you think? Us three? The five of us, say. Oh, the five of us. Us three, like, sitting around chewing the fat and them cooking the fat. Oh, you two are doing all right for yourselves, aren't you? Three lovely ladies.

Yeah, but they're only there for laughing. I remember that stage when my relationships stopped being for the physicals and started being an audience. Oh, yeah. I always want the audience. That's the only point of them. Okay, yeah. We did, we had a bit of a, we lived together in, you wash my smalls.

I know. People still sometimes, whenever I say I do this shit, they go, is it true you washed my seamless pants? I can't believe it. Even when I thought it then, I thought, no, that's... I hope I'm not going to voice this, and it's something I've just lay about imagining. I did wash your pants.

I've imagined it so many times, it's become true. I felt a profound need to look after you. You're lucky that's the only thing you've found. As long as there wasn't any sort of towel on. So you're in the commune. How many people are talking? About 25? But I would never wash your smalls.

I'm glad we've cleared that up. No, but why is that? Why is that a one-way street? It's a little bit comical if Emily washes mine. If I wash Emily's, it's a court case. Why is that a one-way street? Why is it... It's a little bit comical if Emily washes mine. If I wash Emily's, it's a court case. Why is that? It's the funny old world we live in, isn't it? Why don't you text in on 8-12-15?

Why is that? Why is it OK for Emily to wash my smalls but not for me to wash hers? I tell you what, the best text gets to wash Emily's smalls. Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back with his first stand-up show in six years, Man in a Suit. The elephant man doesn't actually look like an elephant. He sort of looks like fresh ginger.

Due to exceptional demand, extra dates have been added at London's Leicester Square Theatre this January and February. I mean, any joke can offend any person. I had a friend and her mum and dad was killed in a car crash, swerving to avoid a chicken that was crossing the road. Tickets are available now from absoluteradio.co.uk slash tickets. Don't miss Frank Skinner, live in London for five weeks only.

The Absolute Radio Ticket Store. Frank, we were talking about when I washed your smalls. Yes, I wish I hadn't brought it up there because I'm worried that men at home will be thinking about Emily's underwear. We have had some communication. And that's not right! That's just not right! OK! I, on the other hand, am delighted.

274 has texted, does Emily wear smalls, though? Which I think is the kind of sentiment that we don't want to turn into a text. I wish you hadn't read it out, but too late. But we've also had, hi all, no wonder Emily is doing a therapy programme if she had to wash her smalls from Fiona. We should explain that Emily did a show called Laughter Therapy, which is still available on the Absolute website and iTunes.

And might I say, with no pressure, I listen to it. David Baddiel is the guest, but nevertheless, it's extremely funny and interesting. I recommend it highly. Unless you post a quote. Well, I know. Can I use that? Glenn Frank has tweeted us to say, when Em washed Frank Smalls,

was it during his wearing box boxes for two days running period? It was. Oh, I'm really glad I know that now. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think, yes, they'd have all been on at minimum the second day. I know. Minimum? You might have got a three-er.

It's wrong in those days. They did find their own way to the washing machine. Looking back now, I look back with some shame at the fact that I had longer relationships with an uncleaned pant than I did with some women. They had two-day stands with them. What a scoundrel. What a very great scoundrel I used to be. You were, yeah.

Oh, God, I've changed now. So the thing, Frank, while we're talking about the commune... Well, the other thing, sorry, but do you remember I've spoken on this programme, I think, before about zonal marking with children? Yeah, oh, yeah. When I was a kid, adults would see kids playing up and they would become their parent for that moment because they were in their zone.

That was what was brilliant about, like, if my son was disappeared, I just knew that someone in another part of the house would be watching out for him. It's great. I think I could live in that kind of weird hippie thing. We watch Strictly

together. All of you? Yeah. And 16 people and 8 kids watching Strictly. it's like ancient rome right thumbs up and thumbs down it's better than being there when you watch it at home there's like two of you you know it's a pretty you know what i'd be interested in that i'm gonna get rake seating in my living room i'm surprised you didn't have that in the old days I'm surprised you didn't have that in the old days I don't know When you were a rake

Who Who I'll explain all the jokes Shall I Sorry I got a bit out of rake sighted Who has dominance That's it Who has dominance over the remote i didn't go with those friends

someone did ask about that no i didn't go with those friends that's time i went on a weekend with my friends from the snm community i was washing up and one came behind me and grabbed you know those fleshy bits just under the armpits squeeze them until i wept and wet myself. Did you have your marigolds on? I didn't. No, I was enjoying the burning of the hot water. Of course, the people you went on holiday to France with will be listening to this now thinking, oh, at least it washed up when you went on that one.

Well, that's what stopped me doing it. You had one spitting? Yeah. Yeah, God, unless I had my armpit guards on. Can I just say... Have you met my armpit guards on. Can I just say... Have you met my armpit guards? I've met them. A couple of nice blokes.

I dated one of them. A little bit, certainly. Frank, I only dated him because he was famous. He used to boast about it. Ben Carter, we should say, tweeted us that. He did actually ask, did you go away with your friends from the S&M community? Not on this occasion.

He thought they'd be tough to commune with. Commune with. Well, strict. Yeah. But that's what they are, I would say. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What do you do about tea, though? What if you say, does anyone want a cup

of tea? They all say yes. I'll see you in an hour, then, everyone. Well, I was lucky in that more or less everybody drank coffee. So they made this so-called real coffee. Oh, yeah? And then I just have a nice cup of tea. Oh, that's good. So, you know, there's about three of us drank tea, so I was fine with that.

I thought, well, that's my... You kept it real. That's my chores done. Yeah. Somebody said, what chores? And I said, that's very kind. I'll have a double scotch. It's a very old musical gag.

But you know what? Something old, something new. Put a modern spin on it. Something borrowed, and that'll do. That's what they say at Absolute. Yeah. Never something borrowed with you, Frank. We'll leave that to other comics.

I've had a minor communal living incident insofar that it's not a commune. It's a flat that I'm staying in. It's a friend's flat and I'm sort of... Oh. I'm now kind of subletting one bedroom of it. Should you be telling this, that you're subletting? Well, he owns it, so it's not really subletting.

It's kind of subletting. It's a loose arrangement, but I've been staying in there. Have you got a rent book? No, there's no rent book. Have you got a what? There's very little paperwork to go with this arrangement. Okay, fine. But spot the landlord over there. And, uh, have you got a rent book? No, there's no rent book. Have you got a what? There's very little paperwork to go with this arrangement. Okay, fine. But spot the landlord over there. Spot the landlord who uses a rent book. Keep it old-fashioned. A ration book. Spot the landlord would be a great sort of where's Wally kind of. Just the guy in a sheepskin coat, old school with a rent book.

The big Ron of property. Yeah, exactly. So I'm staying in this flat with two people that I only really know to say hello to. I've said hi twice. Is it your family? No, no, they're his flatmates, as it were. Oh.

So the young ones. Last week I was there and they said, oh, the sink in the kitchen's blocked. Oh, that the young ones. Last week I was there and they said, oh, the sink in the kitchen's blocked. Oh, that's glamorous. Now, this is one of my few... Can I just stop you there? Have you ever noticed when people report speech that they often begin by going,

oh, the sink. Whereas people never... Do people ever say, oh, the sink in the... I don't like to come from on set to having my acting challenged. I really don't. No, no, we all do it. He's trying to add texture. He'd say, I said bloke at work, say to me, oh, I was on anything.

I bet they didn't say that. You've done that to signify this is now the man at work speaking. OK, we'll watch out for that in case I repeat this habit. Oh, the sink's blocked. So I said, oh. okay well watch out for that in case i repeat this habit oh the sinks blocked so i said oh um but one of my few areas of diy uh confidence is uh blocked sinks okay i'm all right you know that's made me find you 22 more attractive well that's good because that's that's it that's all i've got in the diy book so i went oh have you got it was a very uh i said a lot of exclamations in this conversation yeah this conversation's all going a bit start to emmanuel movie theatrical types as well yeah i said have you got a plunger no i did a thing that i do where uh i use like a like a cloth If you really bunch up a cloth,

you can make it act like a plunger if you push onto the... Do you know what I'm talking about? That sounds affluent. And then... No, it's very... Yeah, it's very austere. A bit house-shop, yeah.

And then I realised, hang on, a lot of block drains in sinks are when people have put fat down and then put cold water on the fat and the fat goes hard. I can't believe they do that. I only went and poured a kettle down and cleared the drain, so now I look like a DIY expert around the house.

But you've made a rod for your own back, of course. Well, I did that as well after. Made a diner rod for your own back. No, but every time there's a problem now, you'll be the one they ask. You're the go-to man. This is my worry about communal living. What happens if you walk in, fluke something, and then forevermore you're Alan the DIY guy?

And I'm thinking, no, I'm Alan the non-DI guy. Yeah, the day you walk in, they say, thank God you're back. We've got dry rot. Yeah, I don't want that. No, that's a big responsibility. You see, that's your worry. My worry about communal living is everything. Oh, okay. The closest I'd come to it, I'd say, is living with with other people, is when I check into, like, a hotel. Yeah, it's not quite the same.

I know, but I can't bear... There's definitely a hierarchy, and I'm sure you're the first one to establish that. How many toilets were there? You see, this is the crux of the matter for me. No, I think every bedroom had an en suite. Oh, that's good. Oh, OK, it was in Downton Abbey, it turns out.

That sounds like a lot of work for me. Probably some old shack. Yeah. A lot of work for me, cleaning the games, but... No, it was Saxon House in Pier Avenue, Southwals. If anyone wants to rent it, I'd recommend it. I get no benefit from this. I just enjoyed it.

You can spit and hit the pier. Which I said whilst playing cricket with Lord Archer. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, I'm not privy to the Twitter feed of the show, but I believe that many people... But you've got a privy to the Twitter feed of the show, but I believe... Privy? I believe that many people have... But you've got a privy.

Yeah, block drains. But I believe many people have tweeted us, alerting us to this. I can't really call her a friend of the show. Catherine Jenkins... Fiend of the show. Yeah, she's fiend of the show. Very good. Yeah, apparently she's done an interview where she said that she suffers from a thing called nocturnal lagothalmos, which I thought was...

No, what she said was, oh, I suffer from it. I thought nocturnal lagothalmos... Oh, I've got a lot of... I thought nocturnal lagothalmos was a Greek island with good nightlife, but no. I thought he was one of my back catalogues. Well, it's good nightlife. It is good nightlife. It's good nightlife.

What it means is that Katherine Jenkins, who I have suggested in the past, is the representative of Lucifer on Earth. You have. Do you still stand by that statement? Not just once, it's not like... Well, I do feel a bit... So she has to sleep with her eyes open all night. Well, Ross Noble got in touch. I don't know if she has to, she likes to. with her eyes open well ross noble i don't know she

got in touch she likes to ross noble one of my favorite geordies yeah um i say that because he listens to the show he's a friend of the show frank's he above jimmy nail oh he's well above nail um he tweeted me and he said she is hiding i'm not gonna do the accent she's hiding in plain sight if she closes her eyes she'll burn through her eyelids that's not Ross's he knows but when I read it I did feel a bit sorry for having to stare at the inside of a coffin lid all night

I've never heard of it before as a complaint sleeping with your eyes open well apparently with this condition I have nocturnal equine nose you know when she sleeps standing up do you yeah no like horses do horses sleep standing up or is that me oh yeah ask me about horses i don't know why i aimed that at you that question i did an

interview in front of all of them and i said i loathe and despise horses and so does frank skinner did an interview in front of all of them and I said I loathe and despise horses and so does Frank Skinner. Well, that's alright. They were asleep. How would they get back up? Are their legs too spindly? They must be able to stand up. Hey, Catherine Jenkins. Well, they fall over, don't they? They fall over when they fall

over fences. They don't shoot all of them. Oh, I just assumed. They wait and see if they've broken their legs. I assumed once they went down once that was it. Oh, this one's falling. They're actually picking them off in mid-air as they come out of the fence like geese. She said, KJ also said, she said, when I go to sleep, when I go to sleep, I look like I'm still awake, see? She said, I don't really have dreams either. My mum would always say, Catherine, are you awake or asleep?

She's neither, given that she's the undead. She never has dreams. No, she doesn't dream. Given that she's the undead. She never has dreamed. No, she doesn't dream. Come on, all the evidence is there, isn't it? She hasn't got time to cop Zed. She's got souls to claim. But she did say so. I don't know if you read on in the article,

but she talked about her favourite ever chat-up live. Oh, this annoyed me. And she says, I'm not going to do the, I'll go on, I will do the voice. My favourite ever! My favourite ever chat-up line! No, I can't, it hurts my throat. Um, and also, God, I can't shut my eyes. Um, um, she says, my favourite ever chat-up line, a guy came up to me and says is your father a thief because it looks like he's stolen the stars you don't want to try that one with chloe madley she says um is your father a thief because he's it looks like he's stolen the stars from the sky

and then embedded them in your eye sockets. He didn't say it like that. Was that the end of it? I forgot the ending. I crumbled at the end. She said that was the best chat-up line she'd ever had. Yeah. Which has made me think that maybe your whole thing

calling Lucifer's representative on Earth, perhaps you're negging her. You know that thing that people do where they say something negative in order to get someone's romantic attention. Maybe that's what it's all about. You could actually say your Lucifer's representative

on Earth is a chat-up life. That's my argument. I think it's probably better than her favourite one. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've been talking about Halloween. Well, we've been talking about Katherine Jenkins. Yeah, we haven't mentioned Halloween. Well, I know, but I've been... That's word association.

Something's been... It's timely. There's something I want to talk about. Something's been burning, all right. Er, home. Well, I've been... I've been wanting to talk about this all morning, but I have to pretend that I'm on the same level as you two. OK.

But there was a party this week. I don't know if you heard about it. The Jonathan Ross Halloween bash. Oh, that's a big party. If only someone here had been and could tell us all about it. Yeah, but what's the chances of that? If only someone here had been and could tell us all about it. Yeah, but what's the chances of that? All right, Harry, what are you doing here?

Is he all right? Hey, come on. Sorry, you were saying? Extraordinary. No, Frank, I went to this. You were meant to go, Frank frank we were all meant to go i was working i was not meant to go no no no i thought you were filming i was talking to gary lineker and we said um gary said i bet he's filming in 101. you know what he was spot on oh

well he always was he was so um i went as wed Wednesday Adams. You're familiar with her work, I assume. I'll do. Can I hold up my ignorance hand? I don't know who Wednesday Adams is. Do you know the Adams family? She's got the long plaits. She's got the long plaits and she says, be afraid. You know that one.

It's a shame I wasn't. Yeah, the daughter. She called that in the original programme. Oh, God, what an embassy I've become. That was Wednesday. It wasn't for me to say, but welcome back. That was my costume. So I turn up at the same time as my friend James.

Of course, Victoria Beckham, her maiden name is Adams. Isn't it? Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Are you trying to work a joke of Wednesday Adams? I'm always trying to work a joke of wednesday i'm always trying to work a joke that's my pathetic to be honest since wednesday adams has come out i'm thinking there must be a man friday there's a

there's a day joke in here but it's very stressful like having a sudoku to do at all times. Do you remember Tuesday Well? I want to talk about me. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Please. So anyway, so I turn up as Wednesday Adams, looking amazing. A little call to the costume here at the National Theatre, as you do. And walked in. There was my friend James and my friend Adam.

Now, James, I've shown you the paparazzi pictures. He went as a lobster with ten-foot claws. Oh, yeah. So I walked in. I start posing paparazzi pictures he went as a lobster with 10 foot claws oh yeah so i walked in i start posing paparazzi i'm not famous but i don't care put my hands on my hips style it out don't think you're famous yeah because that's what because sometimes really famous people turn up at that party and they've got makeup on yeah so they don't know because i i arrived and they were shouting who are you and i had no makeup john bishop had a whole i don't know what he was some werewolf

he managed to go in no one knew who he was I don't think he was happy so anyway so I'm posing and then there's paparazzi going oh we want to see the lobster the lobster

oh I'm so humiliated yeah we want one of the lobsters yeah I should say I've seen a picture of the lobster outfit. No, you haven't. You showed me. Oh, no, no, I mean the one at the party.

And it looked... It did look brilliant. Big claws. Oh, huge claws. Yeah. But then at one point... I suppose if you're doing a lobster, one of your first port-a-calls is to close.

Yeah. Someone said, we want the lobster on his own. We want to see the lobster. Oh, God. I have to stand to the side. Sounds like Pavarotti in a restaurant. They want to have lobster on his own. And three women.

Two for the belly. Dara O'Brien. I'm going to have to hold you there. Oh, but I've got loads of celebrities to talk about. I'm at the juxtaposition of Sharni Pavarotti and Dara O'Brien I'm going to have to hold you there I've got loads of celebrities to talk about I've just done the juxtaposition of Charlie Pavarotti and Dara O'Brien we'll have to talk about this off air North Building

Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio you can, hold on I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran I'm getting running ahead of myself. You can text the show on 8-12-15. We'd like it if you did that.

We don't encourage you, I think, as much as we ought. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can go to the Absolute website and email us. No! We were talking just before about the show business party that Emily went to. Frank! No! I thought we were going to hear off air some terrible story about the showbiz party when the lobster forgot who he was and went in the hot tub. Oh, very good. But he was pink, though, so presumably he'd already been in the hot tub.

So where had I got to? That's quite a decision that you make when you go as a lobster. Do I go dark blue or pink? He went pink. Yeah. Where had I got to? Dara Breen is a priest. Oh, yes. Oh, pink. Yeah. Where had I got to? Dara O'Brien is a priest. Oh, yes.

Oh, okay. What a great choice. But I kept standing on his cloak. I felt terrible. I felt like I'd stood on the Pope's sort of cassock thing. It was awful. So you've gone to this show wearing a cloak? I know.

There were quite a few cloaks. David Baddiel turned up in a cloak. Yes. He just had a cloak and a laminate saying, which find a general that he printed out from the computer. amstrad he does that he has he labels i think if you got a label it's like when an impressionist says oh and who did i bump into then but it was um russell brand you know i mean you should know yeah because last time i saw him i can't really say who the character was because it's a bit morbid yes Yes, it was. But he had a name.

Did he have a laminate, the Amstrad laminate? He did. I thought, I couldn't work out again who he was. He looked like if the cat in the hat had been in a fire. It looked like that. But I thought that won't be a character, will it? Dermot O'Leary, I thought, had the costume of the knight. Okay.

Him and his wife, he went as Karl Lagerfeld, and the wife went as the cat, Choupette. Oh, no way. Wow, that's good. I think that was good, but the thing is, I obviously got that, but for the non-fashion initiated, he could have been Mozart, if I'm honest. Yeah, but, you know, that would still qualify. That's still okay, I suppose.

Yeah. I did miss you. It was a good party. I think I upset, um, Jimmy Carr. Well, that's all right. Yeah. We'll talk about that afterwards. No. I mean, he owes us all. Hank!

Let's not forget that. He went as Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors, so he had dyed black hair. Yeah. And I couldn't work out who he was. I mean, he had dyed black hair. No, he had sort of sideburns and a wig. That was quite a turnaround for Jimmy.

He had dyed black hair. Wow. I couldn't work out who he was. So I guessed a few unsavoury characters who I won't talk about on the show. And then I said, are you you in 20 years playing Vegas? Oh, I didn't like it.

He looked like Gary Newman, I thought. He does make a real effort, though, Jimmy. Fair play. Gary Lineker. I didn't recognise Gary Lineker. This is the problem. They're all done up and I didn't recognise... So I blanked him.

I blanked Sir Gary. It was awful. You can't blank anyone at Jonathan Ross's fancy dress. It could be anyone, isn't there? But isn't there a point where you start chatting to somebody and they're in fancy dress and then you realise it's a key grip off a production? That could happen the other way.

But then you can think, well, I'm not going to speak to Pauline Quirk. And then you realise that it... I did that one year. I spent an hour with a guy... Then you realise it's Britney Spears going to speak to Pauline Quirk. And then you realise that it... I did that one year. I spent an hour with a guy. Then you realise it's Britney Spears who's gone as Pauline Quirk. I spent about an hour with a man last year I thought was Elton John. And it was a man who'd come as Elton John.

Do you know what? I spent an hour with a man last year who I thought was Elton John. I did iPhone for that ruse. How was it? Well, he didn't pay. Simple as that. Oh, that's gone too far, hasn't it? Well, he didn't pay. Simple as that. Oh, that's gone too far, hasn't it? I don't feel good about that. Let's have a cleansing jingle.

Let me see what we got. And relax. Okay. It's a nice night for the Mighty Boosh, though, because they don't have to, they just turn up. Yeah. Look, costume needed. Look at their characters. Well because they don't have to... They just turn up. Yeah. No costume needed. They're characters.

Well, they like a cloak as well. Yeah, yeah. Jonathan Ross's agent had... He went as Darth Vader. But, you see, I don't think you should ever go as any character that's dependent on a helmet. No, that's difficult. Because then you have a terrible night.

As soon as he took it off, he was just a man in a bad cloak. Yeah. You'd obviously be a fan of that. Anyway, it was one of the, you know, it's all newspaper coverage and all that. Oh, yeah. Lovely to be there, I'm sure. Yeah.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We don't normally do requests on, or even read the request texts, as it were, but in light of recent discussion topic, how about a tune by Biggie Smalls? No offence, Emily. It's good, isn't it? I like that material. Obviously, if you were approaching it by my standards, the Biggie Smalls would be every day wear,

because, as you know, I like to wear a cotton boxer short for day wear, but when I partake in exercise activity, I prefer to be held. Do you have a button fly brief? Just whatever. A little zip. I'm a member of Frank's S&M community. I wear boxer shorts covered in zips. It's like...

I wear... No. You'll never know what I wear. No, no zips. It's like... I wear... No. You'll never know what I wear. No, no, that's quite right. I don't want to know. Unless you're one of the lucky 400. So... Email corner, I believe.

Although we've sashered into the French tune, but we can do... Have we sashered Estelle into the French tune? Yeah. Oh, I loved him. You're frank and accessories. Oh, I don't like to be... No, that makes you sound like scrunchies.

I don't want to be a handbag. I can't think of anything I'd rather be than an accessory. Okay. Frank Allen and bangle. The bangles. Is that a half? Do you ever do that? Do you ever sit at home and go,

Close your eyes. Always. Give me your hand. Excuse me, I've sung it with David Beale at the piano. Have you? And you know when you think your voice sounds really good, I bet he's thinking, God, Emily's got a really good voice. Why has she never been discovered?

Yeah. He didn't think that. No. Honestly, I'm my own. I don't get many moments on my own. But if I get a quiet moment, it's the way I say darling. I look forward to it close your eyes give me your hand darling i give it a bit more country and western than it has in the original

bang bangelian um bangelian version and that bit we go do you understand do you yes if you're on your own no one cares if the notes are going good old shower song then isn't it really i don't i don't i do i only really do roy albertson in the shower you know that bit of echo you want to take advantage of that bit of echo you have in the bathroom i do the song that i sing best so i do chesney hawks the one and only always in the shower okay see i wouldn't die in the shower. OK, see, I wouldn't do that in the shower, because I'd be reminded of his facial mole, and I'd be scrubbing away at something I don't actually have. Anyway, email corner.

Your frankenaccessories think you were unclear about how the term sus came into existence. Oh, yeah. You'll find it was coined as a shorthand for the laws the police used to stop and search somewhat arbitrarily. No, no, but. Well. That's from Tim. Yes.

Shall we just do the full email and then we can do the rebuttal? Okay. From suspected person in the vagrancy law of 1824. Close brackets. Suspected person. Ah, and that's from Tim. That's a bit sus. You know when Nina Minaj...

No. You know, it is Nina Minaj, isn't it? Who? I don't... Nicki Minaj. I don't know who this is. You're thinking of Nina Mishkoff. Yeah, of course.

Nicki Minaj. You know Nicki Minaj? No. She's that one with the big bottom. What's wrong with you? Singer with the big bottom. I don't know who you're talking about. Remember when she insisted on having a lawn... In the shower. I'm the singer with the big bottom. What's wrong with you? Singer with a big bottom. Remember when she insisted on having a lawn cut outside her?

Winnebago. Anyway. Nicki Minaj, she had a bomb. She had like implants in her buttocks. Pink wig. Pink wig. Severe fringe. Sorry, there was a bit of...

But didn't she? She had implants in her buttocks to give her a bigger booty. I had that. Yeah. Was that a rebuttal? I thought he'd never get there. It was quite a journey. We stopped off at Stonehenge and had sandwiches.

Well, it felt like that. It felt like I'd visited a national monument and I decided to go to the very top and then I thought, this will do me. But there's other tourists behind you, you have to keep going. It was like that. Looking back on it, it would have all been made a lot easier if I had known who she was at the start.

And I'd got her name right. So we're already looking back on it. There's so many footnotes, disclaimers, explanations on the way. And for what? Yeah. A cheap laugh. This sus business, sus it out.

Yeah, finish. If you finish the... Suspecting person in the law, in the vagrancy law of 1824, it out. That's too long, isn't it? No, exactly. Sus law is short for suspect or suspected person. Yeah, I can see that. But when you say I'm going to sus something out...

Well, do you know what I... You don't say I'm going to suspect something out. Do you know why you don't say i'm going to suspect something out do you know i don't like that i remember reading a kiss and tell it may have been uh jim davidson and he referred to he said you know what i like sussies she put sussies on yeah he referred to spend as a sussies yeah we used to say sauce when i was a kid for sorry oh sauce oh yeah sauce i say that so um so i wondered if it could be good i should say for people who are thinking why don't when I was a kid for sorry. Oh, soz. Oh, yeah, soz, I say that. So, I wondered if it could be... I should say, for people who are thinking, why don't you Google it, we're trying to fight that.

We're trying to just use our imaginations before our brains turn to angel delight. Butterscotch, I've noticed mine's going out a bit in my ear. But I think because sorry was reduced to sauce, I'll sauce about that. Did you ever say that? I would have said it was a Z. Yeah, me too.

Yeah, but it's from... We're all different. So I think it could be short for sorry. Okay. You know, sorry with a fringe on top. As if I'm going to investigate this, I'm going to sauce this out, I'm going to drive a pleasure carriage right through it

and get to the heart of the matter. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we remain residing in email corner? Oh, yes. OK. We've had an email in from Luke. He says, hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, slash all Steve.

Well, we'll be showbiz. Yeah, if you're going to be off acting. Long time reader and regular correspondent here. You were chatting about there being no chess superstars anymore. Well, I was. Was this when I wasn't here? No, you were here.

I was saying it was very 60s to be a chess celebrity. Maybe it's those bits of the show when I'm reading. Sometimes I'll check out my e-skills. Well, all that is about to change. Magnus Carlsen should be right up Emily's straza. Yes. He has a modelling contract with... I'm not going to name them.

He names a denim brand there, but that's what they want us to do, and I'm not going to. No, no, we're not falling for that. That makes up part of his one million a year sponsorship package, was the youngest grandmaster at 13. The youngest grandma, I thought you were going to say.

I'm sure, surely Grandmaster Flash was younger. Is the highest rated player of all time due to take on Vichy. Oh, is that a soup? Have you seen him? For the World Championship soon championship soon naturally a knight's move is essential in this case and the invite to kurdistan remains open to you all can i just say hats off to the knight's move reference yes i wonder what he's pouring now miss

no no have you have you seen a picture of him he does modeling yeah who did that happen what does he do full Full face crash helmets? I think he was slightly disappointing. I agree with you. I'll tell you what he looked... Do you remember that? There was a big experimentation scandal when some people's heads swirled up. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He looks like... Students needing money, wasn't he? If that had happened to Will Young, that's what madness looks like. Yeah, but they need what they can get in the chess community. I suppose they do, yeah. I mean, they're not lookers in the chess community. No.

On the whole. No, I agree with that. Bobby Fischer, you know. Yeah. Had a bit of something. He did have a bit of something, but I always imagine he smelt a bit. He's an odd person to fancy. Who do you like then?

Everyone says Ryan Gosling. I say Bobby Fischer. Yeah. I'm going to stop saying that. No longer with us. No. No, checkmate. Yeah.

Yeah, I had a friend, have I mentioned it before? He played chess for his county. And he said eventually he stopped playing chess because he said all his dealings with people became incredibly tactical. Really? He couldn't stop that line of thinking. Oh, really? So he'd have sort of, he'd start talking

and he'd think of it as an opening, you know, and be thinking three or four moves ahead. So he stopped it. He also, I remember, got very heavily into Joni Mitchell. Really? And then he said to me, I can't listen to Joni Mitchell anymore, it's affecting my view of life.

And he said, I've put all the CDs in the attic. I'm going to leave them there. I think all my friends are profoundly troubled. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, I've just done something really vain and I feel the need to confess. Absolute Radio.

I've just done something really vain and I feel the need to confess. Oh, no. Charlie said, can I take a picture of your nails? Because I've got nice black Halloween suede nails. Suede, yes. And she took a picture of my nails and said, can I see that, please, before it goes up? Oh, how horrible. And I looked at her and I said, my hand looks horrible, you can't put that up. I vetoed a picture because I didn't like the look of my hands.

And is that because um the nail that's got suede on it is covered in fluff isn't that what we're discussing earlier we need to get the roller out yeah i think you need to get a link roller you need to get them scotch guarded if it rains they'll be completely ruined i know now they look good i've got to be careful here my bed fellows are i must say i do i... One thing I've always liked is sort of nail varnish and all. I hate the stink of the application of it. But it looks great, especially on toes.

I had mine done one Christmas in alternately green glitter, red glitter. Oh, how did that look? Awful. But, you know, you've got to join in a bit at christmas it's like glam rock yeah big glam rock yeah birmingham glam rock and a little bit septicemia and we i think we're still in the corner yeah can i just say there's an excellent interview with the

magnus carlson tovella who's who's got a big championship coming up that we should keep our eye on. We should have him as a friend of the show, I think. Do you think? Yeah. I see you for one. You're a chess player, though. I like playing chess on the old iPhone. To me, he's just another meathead Scandinavian.

Is he? Yeah, I imagine him getting drunk. What, by playing chess? Yeah. What, like Morton Harker? I bet you he'd still get drunk and make your arm wrestle. One of those Viking style chess players. You know when they always want to wrestle, Scandinavian men?

Actually, apparently they don't. It's a fitness freak, apparently. Is it? Yeah, yeah. What do you mean they want to wrestle? They're always big and they want to wrestle. They're very outdoorsy. Morton Harker never did that. Yes. Oh, he's Norvège. That's a bit different. I got some lovely saucepans from him that once.

Morton Harker? Oh no, so that's a bit different I got some lovely saucepans from him there once Morton Harkin? Oh no, so that was Hoxton Market You get very confused You just heard the producer nearly spit a bit of her coffee out Oh right, when it comes down there now I can't look Yeah we go through a lot of producers That's my quote of the month

I like their nose Like she's a subsection of society. It's a rotating gallery that we go through. John Wayne, of course, is a big guy. You know, I have the John Wayne cuckoo clock bought for me by this team. Best present we've ever bought you. People still phone me up, and if it happens to coincide with On The Hour, they'll say, what is that?

Because On The Hour are horse whinnies on the John Wayne clock. But he was a big Jess. He wasn't a big Jess. That's quite the opposite. You know what? And I don't advise you ever say that to him. No. Not even through Derek Okora.

That one? Thank you. And you know how Derek does that. Yes, so I... Oh, thank you. Yes yes he's like someone in a radio play pretending someone's on the phone yeah you should really watch derrick acora now and see if he does reported speech in that way that i did earlier where he says oh no but i think that i think the dead often commence with an exclamation that's what i've found now john

wayne was was once talking about Rock Hudson, apparently. Oh, yeah. And you'd imagine John Wayne to probably be a homophobic man, because he's very masculine. Yes, I would have. And also just because when he lived. I am a big John Wayne fan, might I add. But someone said to him...

Not because of that, might I add. No, no, but someone said to him, Oh, Rock Hudson, he's one of them homosexuals. And John Wayne said, who cares? He plays great chess. And what a fabulous attitude. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Last week, Frank, you were in absentia, so you missed... I was. It's a lovely part of Italy, though. I tell you what, it's a

banging club, is what it is. I don't like to say, but I regaled with the story from Show Business because you know I'm filming my little sitcom I told last week that I had to film a scene in my boxer shorts just boxers, nothing else.

With his Showbiz tales Frank he's becoming a bit like Peter Ustinov. I am, something of a raconteur. Typical me. You know that was the title of his book. Typical me. You know, that was the title of his book. Typical me. Has there ever been a book title that's one that makes you slap someone around the face more than that? So, this week, I...

Perhaps he had ME, though, and I've misread that for years. Typical me. Yeah, I've turned against him, and in fact, he's had a really tough time with it. Oh, God, I feel awful now. That's terrible. What's he like now? In homage, I'll probably call my memoir typical me, just because I'm like a Peter Houston-off figure now.

You are. You are. You're one of them raconteurs, are you? So I had to film a scene this week that involved me drinking a drink. Drinking a drink? In a bar. Downing.

Downing a drink. And so the director went, oh, how are we going to do this? Was it a short? It was a lager. Oh, a lager beer. Half, but they cheat it so that it's non-alcoholic. What did they put in that then, Al? Non-alcoholic beer. Oh, there's that then, Al? Non-alcoholic beer. Oh, there's still some alcohol in that.

That's what they did. A tiny bit. And actually, there was a bit extra, because on the first take, the extra who had to pour it didn't swap it for the non-alcoholic one and just put down the full fat one, which I then had to... Were you strung out? I drank it down, and then...

And then fall out of beer in a silk bomber jacket out of the pub. That's exactly what I was about to tell you. How do you know these things? You're good. So, the director said, how are we going to do this? Thank you. Sorry, that was... Was that Derek Okora? No, that was Sam, my Ethiopian voice. Familiar.

Familiar. So I said to the director, I'll just drink it. Why don't I just drink it? Forgetting at the start of recording that you redo these scenes from every possible angle. A couple of hours later, I've drank a lot of halves of non-alcoholic lager. And then we finish, and I had thought, well, what I'll do is, I've got a couple of days off filming. I'll get the car to take me to Euston,

and then I'll go home to my little family and spend a couple of days at home. So I finish, straight into make-up, wipe my face, have a quick wee and then I jump into the car to get the car to Euston. Sorry, sorry everyone. Well. Get the car to Euston off. It gets worse from here. Very good. It gets worse from here.

Oh no. In the car. Five minutes. It gets worse. Five minutes and we hit traffic. So I'm then in the back of the car with about eight halves of lager in my bladder. Oh, I hate it when they're there. Oh, my God. I was so bursting.

I was so bursting that actually the most acting I've done in my career has been pretending that I wasn't really uncomfortable to the driver by the end of the journey. This is a weird coincidence, but we'll come back to this in a second. Is it used enough we have a problem? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I was in the car bursting,

I would say for about an hour and a half. Wow. And here's the newsflash, and I know that you will know how impactful this is. for about an hour and a half. Wow. And here's the newsflash, and I know that you will know how impactful this is. I paid to use the toilet in Euston. 30 pence for a pee-pee. And I think I would have gone up to the full 10 pounds.

I really would. It's funny that they make you get out fish for two denominations. Yeah. That seems very inconsiderate. Or 20. Or 50 pounds. I just think it's funny that it's called 30p. I don't think I would have paid 50 pounds. I would...

Rather than pay 50 pounds, I think I'd have just thought, well, that's new jeans, innit? Yeah. I'll just soil myself and buy some new jeans tomorrow. When you say new jeans, you'd just wash them, wouldn't you? I think I'd probably... I think I'd just wash them, wouldn't I? Would you?

Yeah, you'd wash them for me. We all know the washerwoman is around here. Yeah, but that's... No, but I was in a car going to Elstree Studios. Well, last week... Actually, we had a text message about you and Elstree last week on the show. Somebody said, I saw Frank this week peeing in a hedge in Elstree. Oh, did they?

Well, I'll tell you what, Frank, we've had another message in, and this was via Twitter. Someone asked, sorry sorry i've just woken up did we find out whether it was frank who peed in the hedge now i said um no i said my friend we know you're immaculate because kathy's confirmed this i said i thought it was graham norton or possibly stephen tomkinson yes i didn't think you'd i don't think that was your behaviour I had exactly the same situation I was in a car and also sometimes you get

when you get in one of the nicer cars they have a bottle of water in the back of the seat flap and I thought well that's free so I drank that and then there was then we got stuck in traffic I mean for ages and ages and I said to the man

how are you feeling about me refilling this bottle? And he said, well, you'll have to take it with you. I thought, well, yes. But then I could say he was uneasy about it. I don't think he... It was the steam. So... Yeah, yeah.

It'd be handy if you had a towel, like when they get changed at Wimbledon, you could have put that across yourself. I'd have just done it into the towel. I'll be honest with you. A footballer in the 80s. But anyway, so it was me. We stopped.

I've never been so shocked. I know. So, yes, I fess up. Frank was the mystery phantom peer. I was Manning Hedge. In the credits, Manning Hedge, Frank Skinner. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio or email us to the absolute radio website and we ended the last part with a confession from me that i was the man in the hedge which is a bit like when they found out about sir anthony blunt the queen's art advisor and he's russian spying it's a bit like the stick being unmasked. The third man.

Yeah, it was. But who'd have thought that somebody would have... I mean, I was obscured by a hedgerow, I thought. Well, it turns out you weren't. Do you know, during that musical interlude, we were talking, weren't we, about you needing the toilet desperately. I can't say toilet, my parents would never forgive me. The loo.

And I said to you that I thought it was more difficult for women. Can you believe this? Emily said, I don't think men got that desperate to go to the toilet. I don't think they do. Oh man. I'll tell you what, how bad it got. Do you get this when it's all in your legs? It's a bit like having the flu

when you really, really want to go. You get a bit headach headache, your legs are stiff. You see, I think it's easier for you guys because... We're going to keep this clean, obviously. Put it this way, things are annexed. Whereas how I would argue for women... Your daughter isn't annexed. Well, that's not what I've heard.

Well, yeah, but I mean, up until very recently,'t no i i think it's hard it's much harder for women i just think we have self-control and actually daisy producer women have self-control daisy producer um who piped up she said she felt that uh what was your point again days i can't remember it that's how well it stuck with me. Because they know they can go. Oh. They don't have to. Yeah. Yeah, but you don't know you can go

when you're in the back of an executive merc. Good point. Okay. Lost, I've lost them. It's all going so well, I've completely lost them. That's awful. Well, anyway, it was, when I got back in the car, yes, I'd been standing in a hedge for nearly 45 minutes. How did you feel when you came out of that hedge?

I felt elated. I got back in the car, I was gushing. Oh, no, no, sorry, I was in the edge. No, no, I was. You feel so happy. It's like something really... I think a lottery winner. The only way I can imagine what it's like to win the lottery is to peen a hedge when I've been absolutely desperate.

Really? Yeah. Unfortunately I thought I'd gone for no publicity but I've become the new Vindaloot. Pete the Fireman is... I don't care that reference as you well know. I think the second person to win the lottery was this Indian bloke

and in the sun they called him Vinderloot Pete the fireman has texted us the word loot unless it's people looting you never say he's got plenty of loot no unless you're reading Whizzer and Chips sorry

Pete the fireman says he wants to release himself not that I'm suggesting this should be a text in. Into a burning house. No. Because that would be alright, wouldn't it? He said into a petrol can. Kept it in my boot. My dad thought it was fuel and used it in the lawnmower. Yeah.

And it worked. It would seem so. Flymo. It's one of the best stories I've heard in my life life, and I'm including Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. We've had some news in from the animal kingdom. That's always good. What, nature? Yeah, nature's called.

OK. Yeah, we know. Frank did it in the head. Oh, God, it's like a terrible, terrible new board game. Ludo, it could be called. I know there's already one called that. Yeah. But Frank Skinner did it in a head.

With the house pipe. I'm sorry, everyone. The bat, this is regarding the bat, which is... Is that the looter? That's just... I had to have a cleansing. One of those, there again. If I think I go a little bit below the belt. Sorry, yeah. Sorry, Em.

I love a bat. So when I saw that there'd been a story about bats, I got actually quite excited. Really? I like the way they swaddle, like they have a little permanent onesie. Oh, yeah, yeah, nice. I love the way they do that.

Yeah, I forget they do that. Yeah, and they lick their little chest fur as well. Do I do that to myself? That's a different story. That's grooming. Yeah, I like that. Anyway. They lick their chest fur.

Yeah. Oh, it's like... How many men can do that? It's like Low Rent soft pornography from the 70s now this story

is regarding as you may know so bats they depend rather heavily on their ears their sight's not great that's quite well known isn't it

yes so apparently yeah but that's not strictly true we'll come on to that put that finger away I don't like the fact you just pointed at me yeah that's not strictly true. We'll come on to that. Put that finger away. I don't like the fact you just pointed at me. That's not...

Who are you? Bat expert over there? They've been using ear trumpets from leaves. Did you read about this? It's extraordinary. You know what? I read it and I thought it was when I saw the headline. I didn't read the article and I thought that won't be true.

No. Is it actually true? Well, I thought they were rolling up little, like, roll cigarettes or something, rolling up the little trumpets, putting them in there. They don't do that, it turns out. Oh, OK. They climb inside the leaf, and they use it as an ear trumpet. Oh, God.

Wow. I could have on a, took 20 or 30 of them in that hedge. That would have been terrifying. Because you always go for the leaves, don't you? Yeah. Because in bright sunshine, when the leaves are dripping with your own waters, it's beautiful.

I don't think Daisy found the description of it beautiful. Daisy's strangely sensitive. So they use it as a little sound chamber. So people are saying this is a sign of their ingenuity. Amazing. Like being in a cave. Very like being in a cave. They love a cave.

They do like a cave. Maybe it turns out that's why. They're thinking, I can't hear you out here. Let's go in the cave and have a chat. Do you know, they're very bad PR bats because they're seen as quite sinister creatures. And they're actually adorable. But they get stuck in your hair, don't they?

Isn't that the thing they do? They get caught up in your hair and that's annoying. They're in my top five. They're not in my top three. Of animals? Oh, kingdom. Yeah. How would you go?

Well, I think you can guess my number one, Frank. Well, the trouble is with the bats, of course. Say if you were the top 10 yeah and they were number one they'd think they were number 10 because they hung up something yeah so that's why they're never complacent you know they browse the uh the the natural world league tables and they think you know way to go but in fact they're doing really well. No, no, no. They're fools. I love their suction pads, Frank. I love their suction pads. Even though I didn't know they had them until you just said I love their suction pads.

Where are their suction pads? On their little feet. That's how they cling on to things. They make me sick. So who are you... Frank, okay, if I'm going to do bats in top five, who's your... What's your top three animals? Go.

Can I have a centaur? You can. Okay, I know it's mythological. I would go centaur, human being, tapir. That would be my top three. Tapir is the one that looks like its face has sort of imploded. It looks like it's had quite a good snout and then it's wilted.

I know exactly what that is. I know it. It looks like it's got it a bit too warm, that snout, and it's just started to droop. Oh, is that the one with the snout that looks a bit like a potter's wheel halfway through a vase being made? Frank!

Is this an impression of it? Frank, can I do my talk to the animals? Yeah, what's yours? A fox gibbon tortoise. Fox gibbon tortoise? I think I went to school with him. I hated him. That was a posh school.

He only lasted a week, and then he got moved to... Sir Matthew Fox Gibbon Tortoise. I remember him well. Oh, dear. I, um... Oh, I love a centaur, dear. I, um... Oh, I love a centaur, though. I'm not that bothered for animals.

I mean, mythological ones sound all right, but... I'm not that bothered for animals. You're nine. I have to really think about a top three. Come on, what's your top one? We'll have a short break, and then that gives you a chance to... You better think of one, or I'll be disgusted. Just what I was thinking.

What do you mean you haven't been disgusted yet this morning? You know we were talking about our top three animals? Can you remember mine? Yes. Fox. Fox, Gibbon, Tortoise. Yes. Do you know what? I love a tortoise. It's very introverted.

I like the giant tortoise. So do I. I like the pink tongue. Yeah. This is from... That is a great pub. Is it near fire that you live near? Yes. This is a message from Brett Allen. Sounds a bit American.

This is a message from Brett Allen. Sounds a bit American. Frank, centaurs are animals. They have the upper bodies of humans. Yes. I think it's safe to say they have the mental faculties of homo sapiens. I know we're all animals, but I think that's a disservice. What a faux pas that would be at a gnarly and embassy soiree.

Well, as you said, we are all animals, and I think if you did the percentages on a centaur... What? Charlie! Sorry, that's the percentages thud. I think that was set up for our financial programme. It's on in the evening. No, what that is was a new jingle that I cooked up last week, and they're still workshopping it. What is it? It's called, um,

Sudden Heart Attack. I thought it was the pet centaur just leaving the studio. If you, uh, if you will, it was a centaur parting. Oh, thank you. Absolutely. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed it so much. It was a sort of

a leisure centaur. No, no, no. I enjoyed it so much, it was a sort of a leisure centaur. No, no, no. Now, if you do them proportionally, there's more horse than man, I would say, in a centaur. Yeah. Well, put it this way, where it counts, it's horse. Well, exactly. You know. But the good thing about it, it's the way it's distributed.

I mean, if my gentleman's excused me, if I'd grown up with it that far away, I'd have had a lot more time. Yes, that's distributed. I mean, if my gentleman's excused me, if I'd grown up with it that far away, I'd have had a lot more time. Yes, that's true. I would have done more with my life. I like the idea.

I've told you this before, Frank. I'd go horse riding if I could go on a centaur. Oh, yes. Because then I could have a chat with them. It's lovely. So did you see the match

the other night? No, that would be lovely. It'd be like being in a cab. You could still whip it to go faster. Yeah. No, that would be lovely. It'd be like being in a cab. You could still... You could still whip it to go faster. Yeah. Whip it.

That's my top three. But you would. You'd be on the centaur's back saying it anywhere on the left ear. It'd be fine. It'd be fine, mate. It'd be brilliant.

Are you warm enough? Yeah. Lovely, thanks. Lovely. Do you want to slow down? No. And then you kick him. And also,

they wouldn't do that horrible thing they do of looking in the rear view you know when they're talking to the bloke in the front you realise they're looking at you

in the rear view mirror you look up and just see their eyes I wish centaurs were real I got I took Buzz for a walk in Southwold

and there was a duck pond lovely does he like ducks does he well I don't think you'd ever seen one before and and I think you know they say that through the eyes of a child you

rediscover things and new yeah so we're there and the ducks went uh sort of and he really laughed did he did he and, you're right, I'd forgotten how funny a duck quack is. It's absolutely, it's like the primal, that. Yeah. It's properly funny, you know. And that's one of the joys, isn't it, of life with a child. Yeah. I've had a think.

Have you thought of your animals? I've had a think. Yeah. Okay. Shark, crocodile, whippet. You've gone very aggressive. Awful thought of your animals? I've had a think. Yeah. OK. Shark, crocodile, webbit. You've got very aggressive. Awful, isn't it? Awful.

Well, I'm not that bothered about animals, but the proper... Why would you put a shark first? Oh, sharks are amazing, aren't they? There's no facts that I won't believe about a shark. I think they're very bitchy. I don't like them. There used to be a bloke on the comedy circuit called Chris Luby he used to do special

sound effects do you know him yeah and that was one of his things he'd had a few drinks right nine different types of shark and he used to sit there

going are you sure that wasn't Phil Jupiter's no no it was different why do you say that he always does animal noises

nine different types no he didn't do them he used to have to name them it was a quiz question back when the comedy circuit was people travelling He always does animal noises, nine different types. No, he didn't do them. He used to have to name them. It was a quiz question. Was this back when the comedy circuit was people travelling in cars with no sat-nav and no stereo? Of course. Cars.

We trekked. That's what we did. No, it was... He was full of facts. That's my point. I like people who are full of facts. With one notable exception. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, you know, we were talking about... There's no easy way to say this. We were talking about relieving ourselves. Mm. And, um, John has texted us to say hello to the doctor and the two daleks

um i don't know how i feel about that that suggests we're we're eternal enemies yeah when i was a young apprentice working nights love working nights i think it's more like the doctor with rory and amy i was on my own in a large workshop. Something... Let me guess. Close your eyes, give me... Did he sing that? I don't know. But he says, something made me wonder what would happen if I peed on the blacksmith's fire. Well, we've all been there.

I'm sure lots of centaurs will be texting in, so I've done that loads of times. Why don't we know a centaur? It turned into an acrid fume that quickly filled the building. also be texting in so i've done that loads of times why don't we know a centaur um it turned into an acrid fume that quickly filled the building i had to run around opening windows and doors before anyone came in and then denied all knowledge of the lingering unpleasant scent is he a cat i like that though that's extreme isn't it okay i love it any anything weird I like that, though. That's extreme, isn't it? OK. I love it.

Anything weird? What else? I have an email here. Let me read it to you. That wouldn't be a delaying tactic. Can I do an impression of the way Alan delayed? They went, I have an email here. Let me read it to you.

I don't like to bring out the skills I've learned on Radio 4's Just A Minute, but yeah, that was what I was going for. I thought it was... This sentence took ten seconds. It was the menu. You know the menu? I'll have the... ...

Greetings, Frank Emily. you know the menu I'll have the greetings yes I am I'll have the MPs a covenant of that's a very interesting question and I plan to answer it's totally it's just a minute exactly go on Alan greetings Frank Alan Emily and Steve interesting for. Well, Steve is often here. He's always in. He's the pet centaur of the group. For some weeks now, I've had something niggling me. I've tried to lay it to rest, but then it came up again last week. It's your current classification of the Skinner effect. It's all wrong. I believe

it should be reclassified to directly relate to a habit, idiosyncrasies or past event that uniquely relates to the national treasure that is Frank Skinner. Br, brackets, indirect praise. For example, a builder that went into a cafe and ordered a full English but requested the sausages be served raw would be known to have the Skinner effect. Why is that? I can't remember that.

Do you remember? He eats the sausages raw. No, I don't. I used to. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did. As a child, our mum would dish out sausages like now they might dish out sweets. Oh, I remember that. It'd be a good one for the trick-or-treaters. Can I say, though, we were...

I think we predated the sushi craze by about 30 years. Yeah, you did, yeah. Can you imagine that? Yo, sausage. He continues, or she, rather, or perhaps a chap, or less, skipping to the cash point, singing Brass in Pocket. She was skipping away. Can I say I never do that?

What do you do? I don't do it too joyfully. Yeah, you do it in a slightly mournful... In case it seems vulgar. Well, you know the keeper of the cash point? Yes. Oh, yes, I know. The homeless fellow. The homeless person who's there to keep an keeper of the cash point? Yes. Oh, yes, I know. The homeless fellow.

The homeless person who's there to keep an eye on the cash point. You don't want to be, um, we got brass. You have to do it under your breath a bit. I go a bit Kanye. Again, that should be described as the Skinner effect. Okay. But for certain is one that slaps their knee when in the height of laughter, as I've so often seen, frankly, on the telly,

should certainly be described as having skinner effect. Over and out, folks. Fiona, prisoner number 043. Well, Fiona, thanks for caring. And you're right, I forgot that I slap my thigh when I say something funny, because I haven't done it for about four years. You're a bit principal boy.

I would have been a great principal boy if I'd been a lady. I've never said this to you, but you've got a cracking pair of pins. Well, me and Anita Harris, I've been told, have got the best legs in show business. Google it. It's okay, Frank. Inevitably I know who she is. I know you do. God, you know

everyone is. You are my sunshine and my light. Beta to my... Sunshine in my life? Beta to my alpha. Oh. Is that right? Can you look that up, guys? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had some Twitter activity.

Good. This is from someone called KL Canalog. Right. Made up name. Possibly, yes. This is from someone called KL Canalog. Right. Made up name. Possibly, yes. This is about Room 101. We've had a few Room 101 tweets. This is one of your other projects.

I know you don't normally like to cross-promote, but in this instance it's relevant. The oversized designer handbag has gone into Room 101. You see, that fascinates me. Yes. Sorry. Sign of capitalism, and men should not carry their partner's handbag really i disagree with both statements obviously um yeah well i did do um i

never know what's gone out because i think it's repeated at the moment we're actually we've just finished filming series three but i think series one is going out but yeah the handbag thing was a whole thing about when you're left when your girlfriend goes to the toilet and says can you have my handbag what do you then do and my thing is to put it between my just between my knees or to hold it but not by the handle so so it's clearly so you don't look like mrs brown's boys yeah exactly what i would say is anyone who wants to date me, I'll never put you in that predicament

because I would not leave a Chloe handbag with you. Good point. Fair enough. What I like to do is just visibly look through it so that whoever walks past is going, well, I won't leave my bag with him. But then they just think it's your bag. Do you look through women's handbags?

No. Would you look through women's handbags? No. Would you look through Kath's handbag? If she died. But that's it. We had Bruno Tognoli on this week. Stop naming things. And he isn't... Did he sit down at all?

He sat down three times. OK. I think his vocal cords are connected to the his ankle tendons. So as soon as he speaks he's up. But he had, he started off with like the top two

buttons on his shirt undone. And then I looked across after about ten minutes and another one was open. And I never saw him open. I think they might have been on a timer. But by the end of it, I could see his navel. He's like a little bat. He can lick his chest. Oh, he's in lovely shape.

He sounds like a continuity nightmare, though, back and forth. It's all in order, presumably. It's all right, because he does live. Yeah. He always seems buttoned up, but he was very olive-skinned. Lovely. Nice. We did a I think it's all right

to tell this story. Well, we'll soon find out. Do you have a handbag? This is not about Bruna. We did a Children in Need special this week. So we had, instead of three celebrities, we had three children putting stuff in. I thought you were going to say, instead of three celebrities, we had three children putting stuff in. I thought you were going to say,

instead of three celebrities, we have me and Brunette on the only. And I don't want to give the game away, but I know this won't get into the final cut from being told so. But I was demonstrating that when you become a dad, your dancing deteriorates. Oh, this sounds awful.

I started doing it. Thanks very much. Can we save those kind of reviews until it goes out? So, oh, God, I just had an aisle of my country flashback. Anyway. Too soon. Yes, exactly. So I

I got up And did a bit of dad dancing And this seven year old kid said Stop that now Or I'll call child line Which I thought was really hilarious And they Yeah

They can't put that out of the park Because obviously That's a shame That's a decent heckle No but it's for You know obviously It's for dealing with children Who are having

Problems and stuff. But I thought it was funny. It was a really funny heck. Yeah. Oh, kids. They say the funniest things. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Can I just say, speaking of handbags, I'm going to read you an email.

Oh, Lady Vacknell. I've got an email here from Lucy in France. Hi, Frank, Emily and maybe Alan. Well, we'll see if I listen. Yeah, exactly, if it turns up. I might be reading it but not listening, as Stan Laurel says. Living in France, I listened to the Saturday show via podcast and I'm therefore a few days behind the live broadcast.

After listening to last week's show, I thought I'd share, I thought I'd tell you that back in 2003, back in 2003, I spotted Timmy Mallet getting on the same train as me in Slough. How could I be sure that it was him? Timmy Mallet on a train? I thought Timmy Flies.

Timmy Flies? Oh, sorry. Sorry, I misread that. Time flies. Carry on. How could I be sure that it was him? He was carrying... Oh, it's a dad dance.

Can I just say, I like the fact that this email contains a question that we would ask it. How could I be sure that it was him? You ask? He was carrying a rather large mallet-shaped holdall, which must have been especially made for him. He sat in first class. No, not especially made. He's just bought one of those mallet-shaped holdalls.

Can I say, please, can you hear the best bit of this story? He sat in first class. He sat in first class with his large mallet-shaped holdall. Brilliant. P.S. Frank, here's a French pronunciation challenge. I live in Le Loro Botero. Very well done, actually, Al. Did challenge I live in Le Loro Botero very well done actually Al

did I do ok Le Loro Botero let's see Frank how are you going to do Le Loro Botero I can't see the

what does it say have you got it oh there you go that's right she lives in Le Loro Botero so I think

the point she's making that would be ooh and ooh I think you did them she's making, that would be ooh and ooh. I think you did them both the same. Oh, right. It's actually in Edinburgh, it means the lower potter-o.

That's an Edinburgh-specific joke. Potterosa Street in Edinburgh. Lower potter-o. Lower, lower potter-o. Stop it now. This is absolutely unbearable. Absolutely excruciating. I've got a bag.

Absolutely excruciating. There's a new channel that they're working on. I've got a... I know, I present on it. I've got a new bag and... All right, James Brown. I thought you'd gone for a while. And I'm not announcing an affair

here, by the way. You've been out changing your bag during that last long song, is that what? As we say, my bladder's on the outside. That would have helped you in the car, wouldn't it? I've got a new bag and I can't decide whether it looks too much like a lady's handbag

or not. Oh no, have you got it with you? I have. Can we have a little look? I know this is not much fun for the listeners. Do you know what? I'm really excited about this. The way I see it, I think the listeners have enough fun. What about us having some fun for a change? Let's have a look.

Get it out. It's a... Well, it is. It's the look of an old football. What do you think of it? That's it. It's designed. It's a... What it is, it's... It's the look of an old football. What do you think of it? That's it. It's designed... It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

It's a bowling ball bag. It's for a bowling ball. That's what it's designed for. And I thought, wouldn't it be brilliant to go into a greengrocer's with this and get a watermelon? Just one cantaloupe, please. And then go home and, Kat, say, what's that bag? I'll say, I bought you a watermelon and unzip it and there it is.

That's all you could buy when you went out shopping, though. But what I'm wondering is, if I carried this, does it look like a lady's handbag or people would think it's a... Can I do something? I'm just going to stand up now. Does it look like a lady's handbag? He's doing a Bruno Tonioli standing up. No, it doesn't look like a lady's handbag? He's doing a Bruno Tonioli standing up. No, doesn't it look like a handbag?

It just, it looks absolutely disgusting. I think it's really nice. I genuinely like it. Oh, I think I've split the audience. Yeah, it's been a few years since I did that. It's interesting. Yeah. It's interesting that at this stage of your career, you've gone to prop comedy for radio.

I love it. And in photo booths, it looks like I'm doing a two-shot with a gimp to hold this up. Anyway, enough of this. We'll post a picture of the bag, and then anyone who can be bothered to have a look. Yeah, I'm sure you'll want to go and buy one

yourself. I'd like to know what the general feeling is, be it pro or anti. Mark Crossley is coming up next. Thanks very much for listening today. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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