The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Opposite Sex Lookalikes

Episode Date: April 12, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss who their opposite sex lookalikes are, plus they receive an email from an unusual pedestrian racer.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner Hello and welcome to Not The Weekend Podcast. I'm Frank Skinner and I'm here with my friends Emily and Gareth.

Hello Frank. In association with Absolute Radio. And as usual we're sitting in a small studio. Well, we're subterranean. Yes. Yeah. We are beneath the absolute studios. In the bowels.

That's what they say in radio. Oh, they do, yeah. As low as you can go. They don't say that. The thing is, we're not in the bowels, because the bowels are about midway in the human body. That's about the second floor. Yeah, well, that explains the stench.

Yeah. It does, but there is a stench about the second floor. Yeah, well that explains the stench. Yeah. It does, but there is a strange stench on the second floor. What is that? I really don't know. It's been there all the time we've been here, hasn't it? I'm not denying that. I think it might be a former member of staff.

In a cupboard. I'm not suggesting a suicide. I'm suggesting trapped in a cupboard. Or a reluctance to leave. Or maybe over a weekend, you know, thumping at the door and then just the whole thing just fell away, died, and is now just a seething sea of cockroaches.

And every now and then someone opens the door and thinks, well, I can either pretend I haven't seen this or I have to tidy it up. Yeah, that kind of thing. I think there might be more involved than a mere tidying up if one found a decaying body in a cupboard at Absolute Radio.

Would it make the bulletin? Oh. You know, news self-generates. You notice, you're always aware of changes around here. Frank, you walk past a corridor and you're like, that's new about some cupboard. What's a cupboard of camcorders

at Absolute Radio? I mean, are we audio or are we visual? Isn't that a song by The Killers? Are we audio? Anyway, look, this won't put rob bonnet on um tv sport coverage will it no um i know it's this one put the bonnet on the baby i was getting that i know i was grasping after the after the cliche and we've got a gray walls red desk combo in the studio, just to set the scene one tiny little bit more.

Grey and red, I read, is an interesting use of the word red. They're two different types of spelling of the word red in one sentence. It induces calmness, grey and red, as a combination. That's good. Yeah, so that's nice. So, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my girlfriend's sister is staying with us at the moment. The thing that...

It's an unusual thing, but I've noticed that something that she does... She's called Rachel. Something that she does is when she's going out, she gets changed and then she comes into the lounge and says, what do you think of this outfit? And sometimes she'll come in and then go away and come in a different outfit. And say, what do you think of that?

And it's brought out, I must say, a deep, deep streak of gayness in me, I would say. I have become some sort of West Midlands Gok Wan figure in the house. And the other day, I actually heard myself say to her, well, I think that one is more

weekday. Oh, Frank, do you know that's brought a tear to my eye? That's such a proud moment for me. Your work is done, Emily. Yeah, I think you have. What a piece of work I am. I've become a fashionista. Oh, right.

That's what... But then I read this week that the royals are going to be in a similar situation. Is that when Catherine Middleton and... Do we have to start calling her Catherine pretending she's posh now? Just because she's getting married to a royal? Because her name's Kate. I went to a service at Westminster Abbey recently, and the Vicar, it's the Church of England.

It doesn't count on the chart, but I just went as a, you know, I was a faith tourist. And he said, and I think we should pray for Prince William and Catherine Middleton. And ever since then, I'm kind of thinking of her as a Catherine. Anyway, they don't know where to live. They don't know if they live at St James' Palace, Buckingham Palace.

They can't make their minds up. You know how it is. They're going to stay at Clarence House with... With Hazza. With Harry. Naughty Harry. Yeah. So it's going to be a little bit...

Very similar. A bit like our set-up at home. Obviously, a servant doesn't come round in the morning with a selection of jeans and hooped rugby shirts for us to choose from. But there are similar dynamics. I think living with two siblings has got its problemos. Well, a friend said she gets on brilliantly with Harry, so it won't be too much of a hardship shacking up with him for a while. Hold it.

Well, I didn't like shacking. Is it going to be three posh people in the same house? You know what they're like? It'll be a menage a ya. As I believe they call them in the... Yeah, that'd be crap. Wouldn't that be the best scandal story of all time, if that happened?

Although, you know, probably wouldn't even be a scandal with the royals. That probably just happens and no-one even notices. Well, that's cynical. A dark and cynical view of you. It will be a good script, like when you say about you guys and Rachel just testing her outfits.

It will be a good screening process for Harry, though, for the dressing up. Wrong uniform, Harry. For the brown shirt. Go back in and change. Yeah, I think that's good. One of the problems, I think, is the sibling rivalry. If you can imagine, if I was Kate, just to have a bit of a laugh,

I'd get a small ginger wig, just a tiny ginger wig, and when they have the hard boiled eggs in the in the morning i'd use that to signify harry's egg because then william's going to be thinking well is it because there's ginger wig that that signifies so there's no need to identify mine or is this a reference on my on my on my continuing baldness and it's just gonna just gonna give him that bit of edge, which I think in a new groom can be beneficial to a bride. Just, you know, keep them on the toes.

Because as we know, there can be no true love without the fear of losing. That's true, Frank. So is that your advice then? Get a small wig for a boiled egg? It's worked for me. Okay, that's awesome advice. Well, when you both just wear jeans and rugby shirts, there's no point in coming in and saying,

so what do you think about this outfit? Shall I go blue hoops or red hoops today? You know, get out of it. League or union? What are you thinking? Oh, well, I've got to go to a cake factory in Wigan. You'd better go league. So there's all different sorts of pairing off that could happen. I mean, I know we've alluded to rudeness,

which I think won't really happen, but there's going to be the thing of William and Harry just carrying on like they're brothers as usual and Kate feeling a bit left out. Yeah, like Priscilla did when she went into the Elvis household and he had all his mates. It was just all the boys together. Oh, yeah, I don't know. He had so many of them there, sitting around with their guns and their wide lapels.

Exactly. Who wouldn't feel intimidated? You're painting a wonderful picture. You know when you go to Grace and there's a room with like ten tellies in it and then downstairs there's a shooting range and you think, yes, men lived here. But I don't imagine they're're i imagine they're sort of um metrosexual aren't they that do you think so do you think what does

that mean with cars yeah they use the tube quite seriously frank do you ever feel because kath and rachel are really close they've got a very strong bond and do you ever feel, because Kath and Rachel are really close, they've got a very strong bond, and do you ever feel a little bit left out? I don't mind that. Oh, don't you? We have a current rule that if they start arguing, they have to move into the back room so I don't have to listen to it. You've got an argument room? Yeah.

Wow. Because I don't want it. I don't want it in my life. Is there weapons in there? Is there a range of weapons? That seems quite a good system, though. It don't want it in my life. Is there weapons in there? There are a range of weapons. That seems quite a good system, though. It's a kickboxing arena of sorts. It's like a little sin bin. It's a good system.

I've also found that that stroll up the hall can take the sting out of the initial rage. Do you actually say go in there? No, that is an absolute rule in our nation. Really? Once they start, I go, um, and then they go into the... You know that thing with that erm that works with a dog? The dog starts going towards the food.

Erm! And the dog knows immediately. It works like that. And they cool down on the way, so it's a bit like when you walk in a room and forgot why you went in there. They cool down a little, but they are too... Kath can be a melodramatic woman. Kath used to work next to a bloke at channel four who used to keep a list of the various ailments that she cited that she got and i remember he told me that his favorite one was headache caused by stripy dress

so you're talking about you know a pretty hot temperament there. So, yeah, they do. They fight fire. But there's love involved. I don't want to get too involved. Just hit it in the other room. And I hear... All that from him. It's like having a Mexican soap on. You can't quite understand it. But you know there's high emotion. Exactly. Exactly.

And then there's the sombreros they both wear. That's never been fully explained. Have we had any contact from the outside world? We've had a lovely pedestrian racing email. Thank God for that. We haven't had one for her. This is an international one.

I'm quite excited about this as a glimpse into another country. Right. Dear Frank, Emily... This is what happens when your parents go to disneyland and leave you a home these little moments like this become a window on the world any mention of the united states just makes me feel of the gap i felt in childhood oh god um my husband and i and no this is the email starting does it my husband has decided that i cheat at pedestrian racing while recapping one of my day's

sidewalk successes at dinner, so sidewalk, that's what they say in America. Of course. They all like a sidewalk success. So it's sidewalk racing in America, of course. They have that in, I think they have that in Disneyland as well. Sorry, Carol. Do they? You know I've never even been to America, the United States. Have you not? No. I like the way it's

America brackets the United States in case there was some confusion. I think we can tell from the fact that you referred to it in that way that perhaps you haven't been there. You might think I mean the continent. Yeah. While recapping one of my day's sidewalk successes at dinner, he interrupted to ask,

were you knitting while walking? I sighed in frustration. You know I was. Did an accent there. Yeah. Yeah, she knits while you mean literally knitting with it it's not some not some personal reference you don't read it i live in a big city and i especially like knitting while walking in the evening as it makes me feel as if i'm armed i stride i stride confidently down the street securing the knowledge that should it come to it i could defend myself with the tools i used to make soft toys well then you cheat my husband

decreed my husband believes that racing while being threatening um he says it's similar to having like the spiky wheels in ben-hur having knitting needles. Oh, like Boudicca. Yeah, thinks it gives me an unfair advantage. Next day, I raced without knitting while I was neck and neck with an older fella who was strumming a guitar while walking. What? Where is this from? Woodstock. She is from Jessica in San Francisco. San Francisco.

Yeah, what a world. Yeah, I left a major organ there once, I can't remember which one it was. Well, I think the knitting, is it dangerous? I suppose as long as you don't share a needle. Oh, yeah. So do we think that's cheating? I suppose you have to get into a rhythm with the knitting

that matches up to the speed of the walk. So I imagine that the knitting increases. It's almost like rowing, isn't it? It's almost like rowing yourself along. Yes. I like the idea that one might have to overtake some sort of travelling troubadour. Yeah, I like that.

My advice on that... What's this lady's name? It is Jessica. My advice on that, Jessica, would be don't try and take him on the machine head side. No, that's right. No, you could lose a tooth. If he's right-handed, go round the right.

Yeah, exactly. Go to the Strap Bot, I think it's called that thing on the... Strap Bot? Is that a club in San Francisco? No, that's in Birmingham. I think it's the title of William Roach's autobiography. He's not called William Roach. You know very well what he's called.

Willera Roach. I think that... I think she's all right. I mean, I don't normally race with props, but I don't think there's an unfair advantage. And if they're being kept at a distance, that's just like having lanes in some sort of Olympic event. So I'm personally, I'm all right with it.

The only thing I could say would be a disadvantage, if you heard a coming from behind in a pedestrian, you sensed there was a race on. You heard the clicking, you might confuse it with an artificial limb and think, better let them pass. Oh, yeah. A bizarre spider creature. Oh, God, imagine pass. Oh yeah. Bizarre spider creature. Oh god imagine that. The clicking.

Or someone speaking Xhosa maybe. Some African person. Do you know that language when they go... Brilliant. In the paper this week they said that over... A lot of sputum though coming out. You have

to speak to them with a screen small they have they carry small face screens like a windshield you know if you can imagine a see-through um tail tennis bat yeah the hose are they they carry those just to just and then they just wipe them on on just under the arm on the uh get the spit off little insight there into my south african trip this last summer lovely little bit of anthropology there yeah speaking of anthropology um they reckon i don't know if this is anthropology but they reckon that um we'll tell you men go for it men and women are becoming more alike physically oh not and not in a, nowadays you can't tell them apart sort of way.

Not in a moobs way, surely. As Gareth just heard of unisex, he saw a unisex hair salon and thought, aye, aye. He's put two and two together and got five. No, I mean, since like the 1600s, they've compared the skulls, and women's skulls used to be a lot smaller, and then over time

they're much more similar in shape. So they've evolved, they're evolving it. So we're getting more like men. Women are evolving into men. It's slightly dangerous. It's an interesting... Very careful. Their skulls are growing to, like,

for the brains to grow into. No, I think what it is, they say it's more to do with nutrition, so women are getting better food. But it is a sort of evolution. I guess so. It does confirm something I've long suspected, and that is that Claire Balding is from the future. Frank.

No, I think she is actually from the future. It's not a Buzz Lightyear reference. I think she might have... You've probably heard the story about when she used to train racehorses. Just by concentrating, she killed one. Just by concentrating. And there was this strange sort of... sound and flash of light, it was dead.

You know the unbiblical story about when Samson kills a lot of people with a donkey's jawbone? No. Do you not? No. I know a lot of Jackie Collins but I don't know that. I always think of Claire Balding when I think of that story. Yeah. Guys. Can you both stop it?

Why? Don't say why like that. Are we being mean? Yes. I like Claire Bal balding she has got quite a big um you know her skull looks like it's evolved that's all yeah well let's look at your both of your skulls while we're at it shall we let's open them up have you got have you got any i know emily has mentioned one of these so i'm not speaking out of turn i don't think but have we got any opposite sex do we you? Do we have turns? I didn't realise. I have got a few.

Are we supposed to speak in turn? Is it like the delicatessen thing in white trousers? Should we have got a small ticket? I'll do it here. It's the listeners who have numbers. I've got a few male Luco-likes. Elvis in his How Great Thou Art years, sometimes.

Just facially, not body wise I knew you were connected to royalty exactly Nigel Clough, I was compared to Frank, Nigel Clough I don't know that one and Burt Reynolds as well that's the moustache

it's the moustache thing I've had when I was a, I think I've mentioned this before, a woman came up to me, in fact, two different women came up to my mum and said, doesn't he look like Hayley Mills in Tiger Bay? No. I must say, that analogy has dried up. No one's said that to me for a long time. But I did, I don't know if it was on this show

but I got a few messages from the outside world saying I look like the former boss of MI5 Stella Rimmington and I googled I google imaged Stella Rimmington and you know I could see it

really? yeah Stella Rimmington I think is a rugby drinking game and, you know, I could see it. Really? Yeah. Oh. Stella Rimmington, I think, is a rugby drinking game. Yeah, I've heard that. What about you, Gareth? Well, my mum, I think, out of my parents,

I look most like my mum. Well, yes, that would make sense. Which is a celebrity look-alike. But everyone always says my mum looks like Meg Ryan. So I look like Meg Ryan. Well, you look like your mum who looks like meg ryan so you know i look like meg ryan well you look like your mom who looks like right you're twice removed from the truth yeah i'm your mom says she looks like meg ryan meg ryan's very beautiful no but i mean she's yeah she's regarded as one of the most beautiful women on the

no but i'm just saying she even got it mixed up with Meg Mortimer from Crossroads. I love the idea of your mum coming to him. Hello, yes, lovely to meet you. I'm Mrs Richards. I look just like Meg Ryan. Spitting image. She said it like that. My mum, funnily enough, met Meg Mortimer. Noel Gordon was a real man. I was going to say, I can't imagine your mum meeting Meg Ryan.

Well, I say met her. Noel Gordon was opening her... That's a contact you had. She was opening a supermarket in Smavik. Is that a contact? Dear Mrs Mortimer, I don't know if you remember me. She had a sign with a white photo which my mum

put in the mirror. Nolly Gordon. Yeah, when we got in. I bet you that sign photo was in the mirror for eight years. So you do know a journalist. Oh, you mean a mirror? Oh, you mean an actual mirror? It wasn't actually in the...

Oh, I can't... What? What? Sorry? Sorry, that's produce coming through on my earpiece. Have you seen my earpiece? I'm loving it. I think Garrett's got a hint of a sort of sissy spacek about him.

Yeah. I think it's just... So beautiful woman. I think it's just the word sissy that's influencing me on this one. My surname could be spacek. It could be spacehead. Sounds like spacehead. It could be, yeah.

I think Garrett's a sissy spacehead. That's what I'm trying to say. I've dressed it up as some celebrity name, but I thought we all know what's in there. I used to be big friends with Alison Moyet. Oh, stop name-dropping. Yeah, and I used to go round...

What went wrong? It's a complicated story. I dated a mutual friend. And when that ended... She made her choices. Well, it was awkward you know you know she was all cried out she'd had enough of listening to your relationship woes so we went um we used to go around her house and she would uh she had kids and they used to have a big pile of

uh cuddly toys and what and the idea was you had to pick a cuddly toy and then you had to make the same facial expression as it. And you hold it at the side of your face to do it. It was a brilliant game. She was great at it. She could go from a... from a teddy bear to an action

figure and get the face absolutely spot on. It's brilliant. I'd recommend they've tried that home that would have been good in a stage show she should have taken that on tour but you can't you can't combine that with a mixture of torch songs yeah it would have uh yeah been a serious mood change i've been losing a lot of stuff recently. I think it's good you've combed it over and you'd never notice. Don't throw attention to the hair! I think he's growing it out for the Royal Wedding as a tribute.

Look at my... Anyway, yes, I don't know if I'm run down or something, but my brain has stopped. You know when you check you've got everything with you, and I've just stopped doing that. but my brain has stopped. You know when you check you've got everything with you and I've just stopped doing that. I've left my glasses in the toilet of KFC in Crouch End.

Oh. Last week I did that. Oh, why? Why were you in the toilet? Why would you be putting... Well, I said why were you in the toilet? How good is the graffiti in the KFC toilet? You have to take your glasses in with you.

I had a gig in Crouch End and before the gig I changed into my contact lenses. Oh, I see. So I do have some contacts. Tremendous. I must get an enormous bell I can ring at times like that. Maybe a very fat oriental man who can swing a gong. Yes, and so I changed into the contact lenses before

the gig um i left my glasses at another gig this week i had to i drove um did you get them back 40 yes they kept them for me fair enough it's nice people i was i was there last week when he rang up and he was so excited it was like the j J.R. Hartley moment. He went, oh, you do, you do. God, when you said you were there, I thought you meant a KFC. I could not imagine that you... What a terrible juxtaposition of cultures. I left my glasses in the dressing room in Barnstable and drove 40 minutes...

I love that story. Drove 40 minutes down the road well that's a nightmare can't you get a lanyard yeah I should get one of those but if I wear my contacts and then have my glasses around my neck well have your contacts on a separate lanyard yeah just had a series of lanyards

that would be brilliant if you had them pierced in the corner not that a contact lens has a corner, I think by nature. If you had them pierced like women do with their nails sometimes and had a tiny like a piece of fishing twine, you could have the glasses and them

hanging around your neck. That would be wonderful. Yesterday on the way back from Glasgow on the plane, I was trying to talk to Emma emma the producer on my phone as i was getting on the on the plane and i'd put i had a bottle of diet coke that i just opened and i hadn't drunk any of it yet and i thought i'd put the lid back on and put it in my bag and it must have been it was slightly open so as i was going through the doors of the plane

i look i got i thought oh i'll have some Coke. I got the bottle out and it was completely empty and had all gone into the bottom of my bag. Oh, that's... As I was getting... Sorry, this isn't losing things. This is just bad things that have happened to you. Yeah, this is just bad things happening to me, yeah. This is just crass stupidity.

That's how you should have begun this section. And it wasn't until I noticed that the coat... If you'd have started, I'm a blithering idiot. OK. That's horrible. I am a blithering idiot. Here are some examples. But can I just say,

you're not allowed to take liquids on planes anyway unless you're travelling with airline friends. Yes, but what you do is you put them in that bin. You don't empty them into your bag. That's not the way forward. But you know my brown leather bag? Substandard smuggling tips, number 17. Liquid on the plane.

Oh, yeah. I was lapping it all the way home. Was anything ruined? The brown leather, yeah, things were ruined. You know my brown leather bag? It was in there. And it wasn't until I was just about to get on the plane that a little bit came out.

But it was all in the bottom of the bag, like one of those leather drinking pouches from a Western. Oh, fabulous. It was all just in there. If only you'd had some sort of, some amigo with you to pass that to as they died on the plane. That would have been lovely. No, it was a disaster.

And then, you know know when they empty it, they always just throw the water container off it and that's the end of that. That's our last chance. Gone. Oh, I love your Western pouch. Yeah, I love it. It was a disaster.

The Eastern pouch, I find a little high slung. I never lose anything. I touch wood. No, I'm so careful. I'm always... Oh, I'm so lucky. I'm touching the wallet, I'm touching the keys, I'm touching the telephone.

Don't you lose clothes? I've lost a lot of clothes recently. Yeah, well, I don't have those kind of nights out. No, I don't lose time. Snake skin belt I left in Marrakesh. Faux snake skin before people start texting in. Yeah. Faux Marrakesh?

Or the real one? Have you ever been to faux Marrakesh? I think that... Me and my brothers used to go there all the time. It was one of our games. Yeah, exactly. Alexander McQueen scarf. He also went to faux Disney World.

Thanks for bringing that up. That's gone. Alexander McQueen scarf. Bought for me by Jimmy Carr. Gone. Was that like a knitted scarf that had the words Alexander McQueen that you held up at his fashion show? No. Beautiful scarf, that.

Gone. Yeah, it was nice. Left on a train. I never lose. The only thing I ever lose, and I don't think you can even call this losing, is if I'm writing, I'll be thinking, hold on, if I'm sitting down and I'm writing I'll be thinking where's that biro? where's the biro gone? and what I do is I put it on

I rest it on me for a biro I use the folds in my clothing as impromptu shelving so I'll just rest it on a fold and then I think oh wait, I can't rest it on a fold. And then I think, oh, I can't find it.

And I have to stand up and let it fall on the floor. That's the only way I can find that pen. Again. I have to sort of unfold, if you know what I'm saying. Gareth's experimenting. Yeah, you can do it. I tell you what I do get a kick out of. That's the fold in your flesh. That's not the fold. No, no. Don't put them in a flesh fold.

I'm wondering if this is where the writer of Danger Man has got the character name Penfold from. Oh, yeah, yeah. But the other thing is, you know, we all lose our phone on occasion, and you do that thing like I'll get my girlfriend to call my phone. And whenever that happens, you know, I've said to you before, there are little things in life I get very excited about. The fact that my ears have some sort of directional function,

that I can tell what room or whatever it's in as soon as it rings. I'm really impressed. I feel like I'm on detective work. Or maybe I'm operating the scanner on a submarine. I just think, oh, no, I can hear where that's coming from. It happened to me a couple of weeks ago, and I said to myself, I said to myself, gotcha. Like it was deliberately eluding me.

But I get, oh, man, I get a thrill out of that. I'm just scratching. Talk amongst yourself. Don't scratch. Frank, have you... I love it when you say Frank like that. Have you got your shoes off today? Do you know what? They're on, but they're on laced

because I went to the toilet recently. I always kick them off in the studio. I know you do, and this is something I want to discuss with you. But I don't... Because I always take them off on trains as well. I take shoes off anywhere. You do all the time.

At cinema, everywhere. Well, you're bang on trend because this is happening in Downing Street isn't it, Gav? Yes. Yeah, but my thing is my girlfriend gives me a stick about it because I was on a train with her once and I went to the toilet without my shoes on. And she, when

I came back, she said, what you've done now you've absorbed urine into your feet and that's going to be in our bed. Oh. Yes! We share a bed yeah but i thought squeegee souls strange cotton pad feet does she think that was my nickname at school squeegee souls i'll get get frank skinner to have a walk around the cricket pitch it'll be ready for playing a jiffy is that what people said no

and she goes on she's obsessed with urine one of my things one of my things i love is sitting under a tree with my back to the bark that's one of the most that brings me peace and joy and she's there's this whole dog urine thing that she always goes on about which which means that she won't allow me to do it oh that's a shame well that put me off drinking out of the bottle because apparently people say that there's dog urine on the necks of bottles of beer how because they wee on crates when they're standing outside for long periods of time is that right but if we live life like that anything could have been weed on by a dog.

Well, I'm sure you... Do you know what I mean? When I was drinking a lot... They have dogs in the absolute studios. Probably all these microphones are covered in dog urine. But in my heavy drinking days, I think there was urine on beer bottles because I think dogs probably weed on my lips as I lie. When you were staying at the Central Hotel, Central Reservation, as it's called,

I'm sure. And your lips have absorbed that urine, and now, whenever your girlfriend kisses you, she's had that too. This is a horrible, horrible topic. Too much talk about it. I wish we hadn't done this at all. The urine element of it.

I was trying to talk about Downing Street and Shoes Off. I think it was Fabio Capello. It was Fabio Capello who said, It is possible to do some things better, but it is the past. And I think that's how I'm summing up the whole dog urine, human urine section. Anyway, yeah, so

David Cameron kicks his shoes off. He kicks his shoes off. Well, there have been a couple of people. Who are the other ones? Not David Cameron. Steve Hilton, Director of Strategy. He's one of these trendy people who have been to America. Oh, who have been to America. Oh, he's been to America. United States.

United States, bracket. No, he didn't even say that. He just said, United States. What about those people who say, the States? I hate those people. I could easily, easily smack them in the throat. The States. Yeah, he is.

Yeah, I've just been over in the States. Oh, have you? Just going over to ny he is into all sorts of blue blue sky thinking and that's gonna say yeah and um he had for meetings he takes his shoes off it's all right isn't it no i don't know no no no no no i don't like now it's funny frank i don't mind you in socks. And it's like that familiar thing. You're in socks.

Well, in the same way that I wouldn't eat eggs when I was younger, but if my mum cooked them, I'd eat them. Would you eat them out of my socks? No. OK. But I don't mind your socks because they're familiar and I know you. And I know you're very clean. Honestly, it's true.

But I don't like strange men's socks. I know what you mean. It's really weird. If you take your socks off, I think, oh, I feel't like strange men's socks. I know what you mean. It's really weird. If you take your socks off, I think, oh, I feel quite affectionate towards the socks. If I, for example, am on a train and a man kicks his shoes, I feel like, I'll go, oh! It makes me feel ill. I know what you mean. I saw Bruce Forsyth fold his legs once, and his sock went, I mean, it went virtually at the knee.

Such a high sock. The worst one I've seen. I was on a plane once with an ex-boyfriend and Richard Keyes was on the seat. Yeah, he was about two seats along. And he took the shoes off. He got the little sock. It was like a little dog in socks.

It was horrible. Little black sock. Like a dog with socks on, like little feet. It made me feel ill. Did you darn it? But I just thought, I don't want to see those. No, I don't want to see that. That's not even a foot, as you say.

I'm still laughing at darn it. That's a hoof. Yeah. I just find it a bit offensive, guys. That has reminded me, I've also lost my keys recently. Oh, okay. All my keys. So, are you the chairman of Sky Sports?

Funnily enough, at home I tend not to go a stocking foot. Don't you? For a stocking foot, we have an uncarpeted stair and I will not risk a stocking foot on an uncarpeted stair. I saw a man slide down once doing that. Never again. But what I do is I wear a very, very

loosely laced trainer. I mean, so loosely laced, and I've done this, I can actually jump out of them. Wow. Yeah. Which is quite a thing to see. Yeah.

I always imagine that you, you know when you see youths with those trousers that are hanging right down on all their boxer shorts, I always imagine that with a bit of focus they could jump straight out of them. I'd love to see that done. I might start going up behind hooded youths with a brown paper bag, bursting it

and see if I can get them to jump out their jeans. What's tinkling? Something's tinkling. Are you tinkling, Emily? Oh, yeah. I've got a bracelet with a bell on it. Sorry. Yeah. I thought it was a leper. Oh, you're so terrified. Oh.

A very, very subtle leper. Yeah, lose the hand, Belle. Can you just get me a little thing on a chain? Unclean. I'm not going to say unclean anymore. Let's just go slightly blemished. Shop soiled. Shall we go shop soiled?

Shop soiled. Shop soiled. I we go shop soiled? Shop soiled. Shop soiled. Don't like it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.