The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Owl Curry

Episode Date: October 15, 2011

Frank met some interesting people at the Cheltenham Literary Festival and talks to Emily and Alun about Macca's recent nuptials and roadkill dinners

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio,

and the world's gone rugby crazy! I know England's out, but you have to support your local team, and I've just worked out with the aid of an atlas that I live nearer to France than I do to Wales. So, um, va-va-voom! Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and, um, I'm with, uh, Alan Cochran, the cockerel. Good morning. This is Frank Skimmer on Absolute Radio,

and I'm with Alan Cochran, the cockerel. Hold on. I'm with Emily Dean. And I'm with my best man, who I just take along to all sorts of official meetings, although he has no capacity at Absolute Radio. And he's going to broker a meeting with me on Radio Lincoln this afternoon. Early for satire, isn't it?

It is. It's early, aren't we? We're off the satire block. I'm doing satire before my head leaves the pillow. Don't worry about that. I think Neil Fox, not Neil Fox. When I say Neil Fox, that was a slip of the tongue. He's not involved in any way.

The good doctor has not resigned, I am very glad to say. That would be terrible. So if you want to text us, you can text us on 8-12-15. Are you a bit warmer, Frank? I'm a little bit warmer. He's been moaning. I'm really feeling the cold today. It's turned, hasn't it? It's turned.

Yeah, it has turned. I like saying it's turned, even if it hasn't. And my government heating allowance check hasn't come yet. And I'm damned if I'm turning it up before it does. So, yes, I need some more layers, if that's what I mean. I don't know if you know I run a chicken farm. But anyway, they're in the post, apparently. So did you see, by the way, the big lottery winners this week?

Oh, did I see them? I love them. Now, that man, Mr Lottery Winner Man, has made a terrible, terrible error. Because in the sort of excitement of it all he went on telly and said you know well i'll be giving we've done a list we're giving money to our family all of our family and all our friends will be getting some money at what point this week as he woke up like three in the morning thinking actually i don't why did i say all yeah why did i say i was going to give people money? I'm not going to give anyone any money.

Didn't they reckon they were going to make 20 of their friends millionaires? Oh, I see that. You don't... Just let it... Give it a minute. Let it sink in. They put the number on it, though. Yeah, don't say on national television.

Imagine if you're the mate watching. What? What if you're one of the ones who aren't made a millionaire? Yeah, yeah. One of those mates. If you're friend number 21. Yeah. God, how wicked will that be?

I'm a big fan of their style as well, their joint style. She favours a cropped faux fur with a Russian jean. Does she? Nothing wrong with that. She did look at me. She's European. She looks a little bit East European. I don't mean that in a fashionably unkind way. No.

She looks like she could have been the mother of someone in Tattoo. Do you know what I mean? He's got hate on the old knuckles, hasn't he? Which is a bit retro. Although you couldn't see that it was definitely hate because there was a sovereign ring on one finger, so it was H-T-E. I imagine all those letters will be covered by sovereign rings by now. Not long now. I imagine he's wearing will be covered by sovereign rings by now. Not long now, yeah.

I imagine he's wearing a sovereign cummerbund, an enormous... Anyway, good luck to them and their 20 friends. I wouldn't mind being a pound behind them. Yeah, I think they should have said, we're going to give them to 19 of our friends and then a member of the public chosen at random. Oh, yeah. And they could have sort we're going to give them to 19 of our friends and then a member of the public chosen at random. Oh, yeah. And they could have sort of completely hijacked the lottery this week.

They could have said we're going to go through the phone book and blah, blah. It would have been more exciting. Oh, the numbers would have been easier as well, wouldn't they? Isn't it 16 million to one or something to win the lottery? Well, it could be you, though, apparently. It could be me, yeah. Yes, don't give up on that one, by any means. I, um...

What a week I had! I lost £101 million on the lottery. I did, but I forgot to collect it, to be honest. In fact, we've had a tweet about your week. Oh, really? This was from Melanie Fillmore, who says, I really enjoyed, uh, at Frank One Absolute, she calls you. That's your Twitter handle. Yes, really? This was from Melanie Fillmore, who says, I really enjoyed at Frank on Absolute,

she calls you. That's your Twitter handle. Yes, that's my Twitter. That's our CVers say. That's my Twitter handle that I've never used. And never will use! At Cheltenham Literary Festival last night. I was there last weekend. Well, Melanie says he rebuffed an invitation

to a swingers party admirably. Very amusing. Yes yes that's not as exciting as it sounds it wasn't from king louis who i believe is some sort of regal figure in the swinging world um it's not very chump them and it's not very clf well no someone said to me that's quite a big um scene um i mean it's early in the morning so let's not go into exactly but um there's a big swingers scene and a woman said but this woman um put her hand up and said i i live on the race course she began which i thought was a peculiar what i thought she was like she was a suffragette who'd been there for like about 100 years who jumped in

front of the king's horse and he swerved and she was too embarrassed to go home to say she'd been missed but she invited me to a a dubious party but i don't i don't know if she was completely serious i was um i i gave her a firm no oh it was firm then yes very firm i wasn't i wasn't going to be dragged in no firm is a race course term though isn't it it is yes it did i uh yeah i soon turfed her out i said i soon yes i'm now moving to terminology from the race course that i think is going to get more adult so i'm going to stop doing that okay but did you have a good time at the CLF? Oh, I met all sorts of people. I met Mark Logue. That's who I met.

Exactly. He came up to me and he said, I'm Mark Logue. And then he left that pause for me to go, oh, what? And I looked... I wanted to know who he was, but I didn't. He said, my grandfather taught George VI not to stammer.

And I said, oh, you're one of those, one of those looks. And, yeah, he's written a book about all that. And I spoke to him for about ten minutes, and I realised my accent had gone. Oh, that's good, isn't it? So any impediment, he just... It's like I didn't even touch the hem of his garment. Did I mention his garment?

So that was very exciting. And I've been given a note. Do you want me to play the next...? I'll play the next song. I mean, I'll just do what I'm told. Yeah, so it was very interesting, very calming, relaxing there. That sounds nice. Yeah.

I slept like a log. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Yeah, so I did a book signing at Cheltenham, which is always a terrifying thing, I always imagine. I once went into a bookshop and there was an author I didn't know and they were sitting at a table with a pile of books either side of them peering through, no queue

no nothing and they had the biro in their hand, I mean at least put the biro down you could pretend you weren't at a sign you could just be resting maybe you'd come over a bit faint and somebody had run and got you a table and chair and a pile of books to sit and relax

and give you a bit of shade in the shade of the piles of books. But no, don't stand there with the biro poised. Did you have a healthy line, though? It was. Though I say so, I shouldn't. It was quite a good line. And a couple came up to me, how lovely is this? And this man said, our first date was when you played Cheltenham two years ago.

And now here we are back again. So it was a sort of a... I like the way you say played Cheltenham, like you're Bon Jovi. Yeah, exactly. I enjoy that enormously. Well, I was certainly living on a prayer. Was that the literary festival? Yeah, the literary festival. But it was, living on a prayer. Was that the literary festival? Yeah, the literary festival.

But it was... How lovely to be... I felt like a romantic... You know, instead of... In one squalid way, I was just flogging a book, but in another way, I was like a gypsy violinist outside an outdoor cafe, you know what I mean? Nice.

If you can be outside an outdoor cafe. And a very civilised first date, too. When you first said it i was thinking they meant they'd come to see your stand-up which is always high stakes on a first date it is going to see stand-up like you could i always find that but then that's i'm sometimes dating the comics well i i yeah i um i used to worry about first dates coming to my gigs because it's uh it's it's quite an overture for a relationship. You know what I mean?

There's a lot to talk about after. Lots to tick and lots to cross off. But the first time, my... Kath, my girlfriend, our first date was... It was a bit... You know, some people, they like to cut to the chase as far as the physical side of a relationship and do that, you know, some people, they like to cut to the chase as far as the physical side of a relationship and do that, you know, straight away

and not have the long romantic going out there. Yeah, we began... I texted Kath, or emailed her, I think, at work. She worked at the same place, and said, shall we go on holiday? So I cut straight to the holiday. So our first date was was a holiday wow that's uh i like that that was quite celebrity of you because celebrity speeds things up like they buy a dog after a week

or something don't they together yeah exactly well i said um i said you can i'll take you anywhere in the world and she said okay the lake district so i thought I'd call it cheap. Love is going to be, you know, chip shop, chip shop type of a relationship. I'll tell you something. You know what I've said to you before? I always struggle when I have to sign things because I never think of anything funny to say and I feel terrible pressure.

Can you never take that one bit of phrase there? I can never think of anything funny to say and isolate it and use it against me. Can I just make that clear? I might have to spoil it with fairy liquid, the way people with eating disorders do when they put food in the bin. But several people asked me to sign the book

I've Got Pig Iron. No. Yeah, which is something I used to shout a lot on this show. Long-time listeners. And it kind of faded away. But how lovely that they remembered that. I was genuinely moved. That's nice.

Something, though, on an interesting artistic point. I don't know if you remember, but last week I started the show with a joke about Victorian telesales, which I was immensely proud of. It had come to me at the last minute, and I went away thinking... Some of your best work, that, Frank. Thinking I have set the nation rocking with laughter with that one.

I was proud. I was genuinely proud. So proud that when I did the talk, I was interviewed at Cheltenham on the night. I thought, I'm going to tell them that, because, you know, I want to hear that laugh. And I did the same, the Victorian telly sales, yeah, nothing. Oh, Christ. And it makes me wonder how much stuff I release into the ether

whilst doing this show, thinking that has set the nation roaring. And people are just looking. It is weird. They're just looking at each other. Of all of your oeuvre, you thought, all right, I'll use that at the Cheltenham. I thought it was a masterpiece, I thought. He had that little look on his face, his eyes twinkle. I even referred to it thinking that people might find it funnier in hindsight.

That didn't work either. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. I have a question. Did you see the news article this week about... The news article? A news article. You're going through the papers. I'm going through the papers.

On Sky News, when people come on and go through the papers. How exciting. I feel like I ought to self-educate in my role as media pundit. Is that not what I'm here for? I like it when they do it on their telly. It's a suggestion that you can't expect the public to go through the papers on their own. No, no, they've got stuff going down, haven't they, the public? Exactly.

They've got to deal with the school run and cooking and cleaning, whatever it is that they're getting on with. Whereas we're in the media, so I've gone through the papers. Well done. But typically I've ignored some of the bigger stories in favour of thinking through my stomach as usual. I hope you've saved me some of those very interesting leaflets that one often finds in the papers.

Oh, yeah, I've got some here for zip-up shoes and elastic waistband trousers. Well, that's my winter sorted. And the body muff, that's my favourite. Yeah, I've heard that. Carry on. Back to the story, shall we? Yeah.

Yeah, did you see this guy that has lived off roadkill for 30 years? Respect. Respect. See him? I've lived with him. There's something brilliant about that, isn't there? I thought it was fantastic. He eats owl curry, which is great.

Owl curry? Owl curry. Can I say that owl is quite unusual roadkill, isn't it? It is. Does he live near the owner of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? I think maybe. Where is it that he lives? I think he lives in Dorset.

How do owls get run over? I don't know. Maybe it was a very nearsighted owl who can no longer spot field mice from the sky. He's had to come down and track them. It's not even like they can claim that it was in their blind spot, is it? Because they've got 360 spinny heads, haven't they? Exactly. I hope when they make the call...

Well, he says, he's quite forensic about it. He says, if I don't know how an animal has died, before I eat it, I'll perform an autopsy on it first. What? He says, he's quite forensic about it, he says, if I don't know how an animal has died before I eat it, I'll perform an autopsy on it first. What? He says that. Yeah, yeah. I do that with all meat. You're like Quincy.

Quincy MD. I won't eat a steak and kidney pie if I haven't got the paperwork. Really? When it was killed and by whom. Quite a long shift. That autopsy information, for me, that moved him from kind of lovable local

character territory into downright creepy. Right. He's gone from eccentric to sinister. Well, it's better, though. It's better than leading animals into a shed and hitting them with a big electric prod, isn't it? I like someone whose diet is basically chosen by fate.

Badger stew. Badger stew. That's not a person that he knows. That's something that he's cooked. Yeah, but it's dead anyway. That's my point. Yeah, that's his point, too. He doesn't buy supermarket meat, I guess, I suppose.

No need. 30 years, and people go around for it. I'll tell you what worries me. If he's sitting at home and he thinks, oh I'd love a bit of a bit of Badger's Jew is he going to leave it to chance or is he going to get the car out? Well, it's funny you should say that

because I happen to have a friend who's very into roadkill and eats roadkill as well. What? Oh just hold on a minute. Yeah, I've got a mate that eats roadkill and the law is... I thought this bloke was a complete one-off. You've got a mate who does eat. Yeah, TV...

Not TV. Comedian Rob Rouse is a fan of roadkill, and he eats it, and he told me... He told me that you're not allowed to pick up what you've hit. You have to leave it, and the person after... Because if not, there's the danger that you could use your car as a weapon to kill creatures. Strange law of the streets. it's not even the law of the jungle i think it's the law of the highway and jungle it's it's a sort of weird but yeah he's gone for

everything i need this guy and some of it is found by foraging just animals that have died i guess yeah oh but that you know you don't know what they've died of at the start well he does because he's a taxidermist and and And he performs autopsies like Quincy. Oh, he's a taxidermist. See, I once had this long conversation with Laura Solon, who's very interested in taxidermy. I asked her if it would be... This is not the worst name-dropping conversation

we've had, Rob Rousey and Laura Solon. No, but one of the problems, I think, of taxidermy is getting dead animals. Yeah. And I was talking about roadkill. And, of course, one of the problems is they're often, they've got quite a bit of a tyre mark on them. Oh, yeah.

And I wonder if you could mix and match. If you found three different rabbits. I mean, why keep it to the same species? Bit of fox, bit of badger. You could have a fabulous... Dog and badger. Dog and badger. 212 has texted in...

Well, you could call it... If there was a pub called the Dog and Badger, you could make them a dog stroke badger, which they could have in a glass case in the bar as a conversation person. That'd be good. Yeah. 212, Frank, has texted in,

is Al Curry not the pub landlord anymore? Tremendous stuff. I'll tell you what I would like people to text in. What unusual things they've eaten. Let's keep it clean. I will eat anything through politeness. If somebody serves it up I'll have it. I've had whale

when in Iceland. Didn't realise that they were endangered at the time. But also if you're a house guest of people and they offer you a delicacy, you have it. I've had whale when in Iceland. Didn't realise that they were endangered at the time but also if you're a house guest of people and they offer you a delicacy, you have it don't you? Not if David Baddiel offers you goat curry but that's another story. I would. You turn down goat curry. I'd have it. I think we'll come to that after this.

Very interesting to find out what Emily turned down at David Baddiel's house. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! Oh, absolutely beautiful. That was, I think you'd call it The Do.

It's D-O anyway, and it's called To Insistent. D-O with a slash through the O, isn't it? Yeah, one of those. Nordic. Scandinavian. Nordico. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't want to talk about it at length because obviously this bit won't go out an hour's time on

digital radio. I'd quite forgotten that. Well, that was my little subtle reminder. But we do want to talk about Roadkill and the man who eats it who I'm still rather obsessed by. Yes. It's a great story. I like the fact, Frank, as well, that he sort of draws the line at certain things.

Like, he's quite down on moles, I find. You won't eat moles. He says they're horrible. They have a rancid taste. At least he tried them. Yeah. He's not sure about mice as well. Apparently he described them...

It's a mice qualifier, Roach. I shouldn't think there's a lot left to work really for my skin if a mouse if a mouse gets it i did think that some of the things that he's eating are quite small there's not great portioning going on no you're quite adventurous with food frank i hope he's got a freezer would he eat a fox oh i've never eaten a fox no fox is in there he's had fox and apparently the people that come around to his for dinner they like fox which made me think that he's a sort of early trailblazer for the story

of the Gruffalo. That's only going to appeal to parents of children of certain ages. There'll be lots of those listening. I hope they take off the little waistcoat first. They all wear those. I think that's optional on Fox.

I swerved to avoid a fox once and it is best man crossing the road with him at the time he shouldn't have even been there that's so good I want you to repeat that at the Cheltenham Mystery Festival next year I think it might be a little out of date

stale fox he has squirrel stir fry which I thought was a mistake. Surely if you can have squirrel, don't serve it as a stir-fry, serve it as a nibble. Eh? Squirrel nibbles. I'm with you. They do, don't they? Yeah.

Do they nibble or do they gnaw? Oh, yeah. I've not thought that through. Yeah. I don't know, they might nibble. I'm not writing it off. I've had a lot. I suppose the most outrageous thing I ate was live squid.

Ooh. Oh. Which was in, that was in Korea. Oh, was it? Was it a football-based trip? It was football-based, and it's quite lively, the squid. Korea, yeah. Can be, I hear.

No, live squid. No, this was South Korea. North Korea is a bit more... It's a bit more low-key. But, yeah, so, I mean, maybe I shouldn't describe it, but it sounds a bit cruel, but anyway, you eat it while it's still

kicking, and you have to put oil on it before you put it in your mouth so that it can't get any purchase with its sockers. You know they have those sockers on the tentacles? Oh, I know, alright. Um, yeah, so

it'll get a grip on your tongue and your throat on the way down if you don't, if you don't... Producer looks like she may be physically sick at this stage. Oh, no, sorry. Sorry about that. In her condition as well. No, but you can feel the sockers against your throat. It's like eating a bath mat. Ha, ha, ha, ha, Oh, no, sorry. Sorry about that. In her condition as well. I'll change the sock. No, but you can feel the sock against your throat. It's like eating a bath mat. It's, uh...

Yeah, but it did taste nice. Have you had snail porridge, Frank? I have had snail porridge, yeah. Oh, what did you think? I'll eat anything, basically. Do you know, you will, and it's one of your best qualities. Thanks very much, but let's not go into that now. I, um... I had putrefied shark in Iceland. Oh, were you in Iceland? And it's one of your best qualities. Thanks very much, but let's not go into that now.

I had putrefied shark in Iceland. Were you in Iceland? Yeah, that's their delicacy. How did you find shark? Well, they bury it in the ground until it rots, absolutely rots. And then they cut it into cubes and you eat it like that. But it is the strongest. It was like Vic Vapor, Rob, if you're familiar with that.

So it clears your head beautifully. Oh, yeah, perfect. It's not a snack, though, is it? I wouldn't want it as a foodstuff. No, but, you know, I like a bit of novelty when you're out and about abroad, and because I don't drink, I have to eat weird stuff. So, you know, I've had dog and crocodile and mosquito. No, not mosquito. That would be ridiculous.

Scorpion. I've had chocolate-covered ants. My brother-in-law got me chocolate-covered ants for Christmas last year. Oh, that's a nice present. It's all right, yeah. Black or red? Is this that programme again? No, this is a new version of it.

I've heard that they're... Did you say they're going to recommission it if they change the format? No. Which is basically saying we're going to recommission a programme. Yeah. We'll see what happens. Chocolate covered... That I haven't tried.

All right. I'll tell you what else I had. I walked up to a football... You know the the sort of the burger vans at the football. I walked up to one of those, ordered a burger as the woman sneezed into her hands. And I thought, she'll wash her hands before serving me my burger. And she just served me my burger and I ate it through politeness. That's crippling, isn't it? Now again, Emma looks a bit ill. Yeah,

I'm feeling a bit ill myself, and I believe that's how the toy fight epidemic of the 1930s started. Oh, no. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. One of the great things about doing a radio show with the deputy editor of InStyle magazine

is we get searing comments about the ladies' outfits on the telly. We have the telly on mute in the background. We should just say that's Emily, by the way, in case anyone's thinking that the cockerel's got a dirt job. Yeah, I love the idea that you could be the deputy editor of InStyle. It would be style, S-T-I-L-E, and it would be a rambling magazine. That's my view.

On Style magazine, with a pictureambling magazine. That's my view. Arm style magazine with a picture of a man in wellingtons. Yeah, that sounds like it. Now, this woman, as you said, has got a terrible bra on. Well, no, I just, I wasn't sure whether she had one and I just think it's important when appearing on telly, or in

life really, I agree, proper bra, sort out, yeah, sort all that worst area out the worst thing is the two-story bra you know that i know you have a you have a serious issue with that i don't like that do you know that when you get like a the fold in the middle yeah it's a kind of balconette effect what is the french the french say about um bosty women? They say, du monde de balcon. The world on their balcony is the idea. What a fabulous thing. I'm rather like that.

Oh, I'm very pro-French now that I've worked out how close we live to them. So, what else? Well, we have various people with their missives saying what weird stuff they've eaten. Oh yeah? What have they eaten? 720 has let us know, um, my friend is right, you

cannot take what you kill home. My friend and I took home a dead deer. That's a result, isn't it? My friend and I took home a dead deer we found on the road I don't like venison but hey why not That's basically a text version of it's free isn't it? That's nice

And you can go divining with the head He could have Just hold it by the end of the antlers He probably did but opted not to tell us because it's under 140 characters Yeah fair enough Divining with the head That would eat up enough. Divining with the head. Ooh, that was... That'd eat up his quota. Yeah, divine him.

Strangest thing I ate was rat curry in Paris. Was it Paris? Yeah. Rat curry in a Vietnamese place in Paris. That's globalisation for you in a sentence, isn't it? Yeah. A Vietnamese place in Paris. I'd be afeard of eating rat, I think.

Would you? Oh, yeah. I associate them with a lot of disease carrying. Sewers and stuff like that. Yeah, and also I'd be worried that after I might start finding myself going... Which is something I personally couldn't live with. 156, Frank, do you think this roadkill guy makes boxtail soup? Oh!

That is one of the pluses, of course, is you get to keep the tails for hats. Yeah. Grizzly Adams. Yeah. I was thinking Davy Crocky. I think his was Coonskin Cat. Was it Raccoon? I was thinking Foxy Bingo once again. Oh. There you go.

Yeah. I suppose it's more of a Foxy lottery when they're crossing the road. Poor creatures. So, Frank, what did you think of old Macca's nuptials?xy lottery when they're crossing the road. Poor creatures. So, Frank, what did you think of old Macca's nuptials? Well, I love Paul McCartney. He is a national treasure, I think. And I was very delighted about the whole thing. I couldn't believe that neighbours complained about him making a noise.

If the Beatles can't make a noise yeah what's the point it's weird what what kind of neighborhood relationship were they hoping for i'll tell you something i noticed though is that um first of all there's a there's a son called james mccartney who i've never heard of before it seems to have come out of nowhere who also does the thumbs up gesture i noticed i noticed that and, there was a picture of... Is it Nancy, the bride? Oh, yes. I love her.

She was doing a thumbs up as well. Really? So much talk about the influence the Beatles have had on culture and music. But it's the thumbs up that they are continuing to spread. Big fans of the thumbs up. You see, I just assumed it was a hereditary thing, perhaps. No, but it's true, because when I saw the sundial, I thought, well, that's really curious. Why is he doing it?

It might be like a sloping shoulders thing or something. They think they're aliens. You know, in the Invaders, that old sci-fi TV show, the aliens couldn't bend their little fingers. That's how you could spot them. You had to get them to drink tea, really, ideally.

The neighbours' fact, though, is what was strange and I couldn't work out is who would possibly have an axe to grind? Who would possibly be so upset about this wedding that they might decide to call the police? Yes. I don't think someone in Newcastle, maybe. Well, it's... I know.

I see what you're getting at. Well, there was a comment in the Daily Mail, and this woman called Sue said, am I the only person on this planet who can't stand Paul McCartney? And I thought, no, I think there's one other person here. Where have you been? And that's it. But I wonder how Ringo, because Ringo was there,

and Ringo did his peace sign, which he always does. What is it with the Beatles with their hand gesture rivalry? Ringo was asked, as he got a comment to make, and he said, peace and love, which is like his catchphrase. All he ever says. Yeah, but you say it's his catchphrase. It's not something he's thought, I've had a brilliant idea, something that no-one's ever said before.

Peace and love. I think what it is, is that if he doesn't say peace and love, he knows that what he will say is Thomas the Tank Engine will hold him to the stage. Quite probably. But what about when he told people he wasn't signing autographs anymore and he said, I'm warning you with peace and love? Can you do that?

But why don't one of them come up with a really original and different hand gesture, and blow the other one out of the water? I think what they should do is they should construct some sort of shadow puppet hand gesture that looks like a beetle. You could do the antennae with the... I'm demonstrating this now. You'll have to trust me. It looks good. Webcom time.

And then reflect like a large beetle on the wall behind them. And then, you know, who's going to want a thumbs up after that? Do you know what, I'm happy to donate my arthritic claw. It's up for grabs. Should Ringo want it? I'm glad that it's up for grabs, that's very apt. Of course, the other reason for the neighbours going and asking for the music

to be turned down is that they may have known that Mark Ronson was about to start his DJ sets. Did he do that? It was literally just as he was about to begin i wonder if it was actually maka regretting having booked him and just sending a text you couldn't come around and complain could you so that we can turn this down do you think he rude booking him was it a makaru i'm terribly sorry, everyone. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had a text in from Kaz.

She says, Mum used to give us a teaspoon or tablespoon of Vicks Rub when we had a cold and she used to put sugar on it to make it taste better. Did you get this treat as a child? I like that she thinks that out of the three of us, perhaps it was you that would have got this treat. Yeah, probably. That's probably a safe bet. If we got sore throats, my mum used to give us a spoonful of butter with sugar, dipped in sugar, and we had to swallow that in one go. Really? Oh, sounds quite nice.

And hot pop, of course. Hot pop for a cold. So, anyway, I don't know if the young people who listen to this show want to hear about hot pop. They probably want to hear some hot pop. We should just say that we are asking people what weird things they've eaten, shouldn't we, just in case anybody's just turned on and thought, what is this talk of Vicks and sugar? Somebody's texted in, 050 has texted in saying uh that um hang on i've now lost it

where is it gone to well there it is dip in toast in your cup of tea it's not just me who thinks that's gross then again i have been known to eat my wife's toenails oh what dipped in tea or no it doesn't mention that no dip in toast in your cup of tea, he thinks that's gross, but then he's fine to eat wife's toenails. I don't mind eating toenails if you take the pith off the back. You know what I mean? I don't mind the crackling, but I don't like the... Curious hearing that phrase used in that context, and I like it. Mmm, crackling.

Yeah. I like that. I had my photograph taken this week. Oh, lovely. I'm in the midst of a showbiz whirl at the moment. We're recording. Oh, I'll tell you what. You know, you're never off.

No, it's true. I'm recording. Oh, God, do you really want to hear a room? I'll tell you anyway. We're doing Room 101 and we're recording at the moment. We had Hilary DeVay on this week. She made her millions in the haulage industry. I've heard that. Didn't she? one-on-one and we're recording at the moment we had um hillary devay on this week you know from she made her millions in the haulage industry i've heard that didn't she um um i she's gone

she's taken on uh a look she's a very glamorous woman but taken on a look of um lawrence olivier's richard iii which i i think is a fashion approach, which has been... I think the first replacement in Bananarama, the one who replaced Siobhan Fahey, she had that same look. Very rare. She's a very glamorous woman, Hillary. Nobody

got my diva of the dragon joke. Can I just point that out? Which I thought was quite clever. That's a first class joke, Frank. Thank you very much. But it's been that kind of a week. And so I ended up doing what I can only call a photo shoot. Lovely.

Literary festivals photo shoot. I know, it's crazy. Which hoodie did you crack out? Did you go electric blue? Well, no, I was very suit and tie. And I picked up an interesting tip about what to do with my face basically so i've been wondering i'm all ears yeah well that's one of my problems um no i apparently i look at my best when my eyes are very wide open it's a sort of a it's a sort of a quick fix facelift um a look of astonishment is what i what i need to

do one now yeah is this working for me so you see i'm gonna do one now just for you to see when i do that i look younger i'm all right because all the wrinkles disappear so i don't need to be airbrushed i need to be ambushed ideally but when i'mished, apparently it knocks ten years off me. Oh. So if you've got anything astonishing to tell me, please do. The pros never smile, you'll notice. What do they do? For that reason. I know the pros never smile, but that's a different story. The pros

never smile. They're not paid that much. They don't kiss either. It's a film. Oh, anyway. But no, it's true, because my godmother, 70s pop singer Lindsay DePaul, taught me a trick, which is... Won't somebody dance with me? Oh, there you go. My godmother, 70s pop singer Lindsay DePaul, taught me a trick.

She always used to say to me when I was a young child, she'd go, Emmy, Emmy, tongue behind the teeth. And that means if you put your tongue behind your teeth when you're posing, your jawline will stay intact. Is that right? Why I needed to worry about this age seven, I'm not quite sure. But start early. Do you go top or bottom teeth?

Like this. Not that everyone can see. Top set or bottom set? Top set, tongue behind top set, and it gives you a nice... Oh, you're doing it, Alan! You look lovely. Now, what's that saying?

I've been there complex. Gary Bushell. Do you remember Gary Bushell used're saying, having their complex. Gary Bushell. Do you remember Gary Bushell used to be the Sun columnist? Gary Bushell, he probably would be called if he worked in America. I'm perplexed as to what his bearing is in this fashion photo conversation. Well, I was being photographed once at wherever it is where the Sun places are. Where is he? Oh, at Wapping.

Oh, Wapping, that's right. And I was being... You had to be photographed with him when he interviewed you. And he said, the secret is, is to laugh out loud when you're being... So if you look like you're smiling, you go... And it looks more natural in there. It doesn't look like one of those fixed false grins. Oh, really?

And I've used that a lot. Often without warning the person who's photographing me, if photographing is unacceptable. Nearly there. Yeah, exactly. So they'll say, OK, I'm just going to get you a picture, and I go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, for the duration.

And some people don't like it. It's as simple as that. Well, Frank, you have to choose between your eyes and your teeth any way we're being photographed. Is there? Yeah. Because if you want to have a nice smile and your teeth any way we're being photographed. You see? Yeah. Because if you want to have a nice smile, your eyes aren't going to look nice.

Your eyes look a bit Ryan Giggs. Do you see what I mean? It's one or the other. Wandering. It's like a lady. Very good. It's like being a lady. When you get older,

you have to choose between your bottom and your face. Have you not heard this no but that's why i carry a coin at all times absolute radio with frank skimmer i worked with um julian clary once and he's one of these people who's worked out his good side and his bad side. Oh, I think I did that once and then forgot it. Yeah, I'm still searching, personally. But he was very... I was in an ITV pantomime with him.

And all the scenes had to be changed around so that his good side was facing the camera. Is that right? And I thought, it's a good job I haven't got a good side, because what about if we both had the same good side? That would have been a difficult scene. We would have to have done every scene on a tandem. But someone told me that he wouldn't do the Michael Parkinson show,

because Michael Parkinson wouldn't change sides from where he normally... I mean, that's extreme, isn't it? He could have sat... They could have been done, you know, cab't it? He could have sat... They could have been done, like, you know, cab driver style. He could have sat behind her. Yeah. Well, anyway, it didn't happen. Did he have a touch of Bell's palsy or something?

Was it that? Touch of Bell's palsy. Was it that? Or is that why he was going for the other side? I think he had a touch of Paul's palsy. But, um... What else? Frank, I'd just like to read out this email we've had in from Madeline.

Lovely name. I love it. It's regarding cat kill. She says, what's the opinion of eating cat kill? My cat brings me rabbits, pigeons, weasels and loads of smaller things on a regular basis. He spent time and effort killing these. And my standard response is to bin these gifts. Am I allowed to eat these kills?

They're free-range organic, already dead. That's a brilliant idea. It's like Tesco home delivery. I think, given that this show's already gone on record and said that we're anti-waste, then have it. I think it's a beautiful bonding thing for the cat as well, for it to bring you a starling and watch you eat it. A starling seems slightly sadder, though, doesn't it? Well, I think with a cat, you've got to eat what's been brung.

There's no shopping list, is there? No, exactly, no. It's what it can get. Get it down you. Yeah, absolutely. I've noticed a weird thing about myself this week. I'm going to tell you right now. I'm scared. It's really weird.

I've noticed that I've got various gaps in my cultural knowledge where... Oh, I've noticed that. Yeah, exactly. I wasn't going to bring it up. Well, let me tell you, it's come to my attention, because I think four different people in the last month or two have assumed that I've seen the film Kez. Do you know the film Kez? In fairness, Alan... Four people in the last month or two have assumed that I've seen the film Kez. Do you know the film Kez?

In fairness, Alan. Four people in a month? Yeah, it's really weird, isn't it? Are you doing falconry as a pastime? I'm not, no, but I just live in the north and people assume, I suppose. Yeah. And also, there's a weird thing with that film.

Do they still? Is that what happens in the north? People trying to wheedle cares into the conversation? Left, right and centre, honestly. I think Ryan Glover might have had an ooh matrix in that as well. He might have, but I haven't seen it, so I wouldn't know. Oh, I see, I'm sorry. Did he have a long leather jacket?

I think he did, yeah. Well, that's spoiler alert for me. But now I'm in this weird situation where it's now becoming clear that I need to see it because people are going to reference it all my life, aren't they? They're always going to, oh yeah, and obviously you've seen Kes. I'm sure it's on there. Somebody told me that you're meant to call it Kes. Are you? In fairness, I think

that's the Tom Jones song. You saying this, though, is a bit like me saying, oh, I've never seen Sex and the City. Haven't you? No, of course I have. But that's my point. It would be that ludicrous. Yeah, me saying I've never seen Match of the Day. Yeah, I think one does expect you to have seen it.

I mean, come on, get your culture sorted. I really need to do that, don't I? But it's weird that I've got loads of those. Well, I got approached by, I think it was the Guardian newspaper, and you had to name a book that you, a well-known book that you hadn't read. Right. Oh, yeah.

And mine was Robinson Crusoe. Oh, yeah. Have you ever read that? In my youth? Yeah, you see, well, yeah, but it had just come out. It was the talk of the town. But I... No, I've never read...

And it's one of those... I mean, obviously there's loads of books I haven't read, but it's a book I feel I've been on the verge of reading for about 25 years and never got round to. Yeah, yeah. I like anything with a mysterious footprint at the centre of it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Jurassic Park, Robinson Crusoe.

Paul McCartney's Garden last weekend. Weekend. I've seen the stage version of Robinson Crusoe. Paul McCartney's garden last weekend. I've seen the stage version of Robinson Crusoe, but I don't know how much I learnt from it. I don't know how close it was to the book. Let's put it this way, it starred Norman Wisdom. Wow. It's an odd choice.

I was thinking about this. As I recall the Norman Wisdom, it's an odd choice. It was a panto robinson crusoe it's quite an odd choice isn't it for a panto well there's one man in it for most of the time look out behind you there's some sand text take some of the excitement out of it frank skimmer frank skimmer absolute radio Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! We've had a text in on 037. We were shown Kez in school as part of our English studies, and that was in inner London. Maybe it was part of a cultural exchange. For me, yeah.

That was because Alan was admitting he'd never seen the film Kez. Kez. Oh. Kestrel. It's Kest never seen the film Kez. Kez. Kestrel. Kestrel. And I've called it Kez. Yeah, everyone calls it Kez. They do. Don't start telling us what it's called.

You haven't even seen it. I haven't even seen it. Yeah. Mind your own business until you've entered the world of Kez with the rest of us. But it is one of those films that you can have not seen that you still want to, whereas there are some films that I haven't seen that there's no point now, like Sixth Sense. There's no point in watching that, because I know that... Don't say the ending.

Oh, they don't like spoilers. Well, they like me, though, surely. No, but there might be some people that don't now. Oh, who doesn't know now? I'm still reeling from the kissing, the crying gay. That's another one I haven't seen. There we go. That's what I thought.

What have you got against spoiler films well Frank, I actually saw The Damned United recently, and that's about three or four years old at least I saw it two weeks ago

I saw it at the cinema when it came out that's how on the button I am well, can I just say I have a brief review of The Damned United. I love the idea that we're reviewing The Damned United. I thought you were reviewing the briefs. I'll be talking about It's a Wonderful Life after this, yes. And I'll be doing The Jazz Singer with Al Jolson. Not enough dialogue. The Guardian.

An excellent film. The Derm United, there you go. Pete Bradshaw, The Guardian. Go out to your local cinema. No, bar one element. Michael Sheen's teeth. And I tell you for why. Michael Sheen, everything, the period detail was fantastic in that film.

The brown surly wallpaper. You don't know. It's the sort of live story of... Well, not the live story. It's when Brian Clough, the well-known football manager, worked at Leeds United. Yeah. For a short time.

Great idea for a film. No, but it actually is really interesting. I loved it. It's a great book as well. But, Frank, what's going on with his teeth? He's meant to be a disgusting old 70s man. And he's got these ridiculous Simon Cowell Hollywood teeth. How often does that...

Don't say you didn't notice. Well, no, I... It ruined the entire film for me. It's true. I don't know why film set in the past don't bring me in as a tooth consultant. I can do medieval if I have to. If they want to look at the back molars, I can do medieval if I have to. If they want to look at the back molars,

I can do the Dark Ages. Yeah. But why didn't he just get some old... You know, paint some black bits on it? Or people in the 70s drunk whiskey and smoke. They didn't have teeth like that. You're quite right. I mean, David Baddiel always used to say

that the later Brian... You know when Brian Clough started to look terrible when the drink was out of hand? David Baddiel always used to say that the later Brian... You know when Brian Clough started to look terrible when the drink was out of hand? David Baddiel always used to say that he looked like a black crumble. And he did. He went down. But he was quite a handsome young man. But no-one had nice teeth in the 70s.

It just made me slightly question Michael Sheen, I have to be honest. I normally like... Well, yes, he should have had the fake teeth. I just made me slightly question Michael Sheen, I have to be honest. I normally like... Well, yes, he should have had the fake teeth. I question his morality now. The director, they should have lit it. They should have put a little yellow underlight, just tucked

under the top lip like a skull bandit. That just came down there. I know what you mean, though, about it ruining the film. I have a similar thing with The Usual Suspects, which I liked. Don't say the ending. Which I liked, but couldn't believe Pete Postlethwaite as a six-foot-odd Indian man with a really bad Indian accent.

Oh, I forgot he was an Indian man. I didn't know they did that anymore. It's really weird. Yes. It wasn't that long ago that he was Irish in a cell with Giuseppe, wasn't it? He's no longer with us, I believe, Pete Pothelswight. No, he's gone, yeah. I'm not slagging him off.

I'm just saying he was miscast as the usual suspect. No, I know you're not slagging him off. I'm never suggesting... I can't believe that we've now reviewed The Damn United and criticised Pete Pothelswight in The Usual Suspect. I'm loving it. I wasn't too sure about Robert Vaughan in The Magnificent Seven. Really?

No, that's a lie. I thought it was magnificent. I was just trying to think of some sort of out-of-date review, and I'm afraid that was the best I could come up with. I had to lapse into error. Can you imagine how that feels for me? Oh, music, music, music. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

We've had some texts in, Frank. Good. 456. My dad went to school with the director of Kez. It's Kez Day, by the way, on the Frank Skinner show. Ken Loach. And one of his claims to fame is putting Ken in detention.

Oh, that's nice. Hold on, he went to school with him? Yeah, his dad. And one of his claims to fame is putting Ken in detention. Oh, that's nice. No-one puts Ken in the corner. Hold on, he went to school with him? Yeah, his dad. And he put him in detention? Yeah, I don't really understand. It's a very democratic school where the children voted on the detention of their fellow pupils.

Did he go to school at Lord of the Flies High School? That's why Ken Loach has grown up to be a socialist. Yeah. school that's that's why ken loach has grown up to be a socialist yeah he was put under house arrest like um oh i hope four five six isn't lying and we haven't caught him out no no his dad was a teacher i don't think he sounds honest to me four five six i love the lovely sense of um sequence about his name yeah yeah it's caught on isn't Four, five and six. Yeah. How often do we get a straight flush texting? Not that often. On the subject of strange foods, we've had somebody text in saying

they knew a chap from Zimbabwe that had tasted giraffe. He said it was quite good. Was it Egon Rhone, eh? Giraffe, did you say? He's underwhelmed, isn't he? That's Robin who's texted in with that. I like a bit of second-hand food thing, but it wasn't even Robin who tried it.

What have you... I've never met anyone who's tried giraffe. As far as you know, one of my grandfathers must have had it, Frank. How long is the bat that that comes on? Yeah, you'd want a hot dog roll, wouldn't you? Yeah, one that went on forever. Or maybe you eat it... I'm thinking, you know there's two handles on the head of a giraffe?

Yeah. Maybe you hold on to them and then you eat your way down towards them. Also, I'm thinking long bench, slightly broigal feast, I like it. That would be nice, yeah, you could all sit along a bench and have a plate and then a bit more neck. I mean, I'm only thinking about the neck. I'm sure the body's got some good meat on it. Somewhere, yeah.

Once you've stripped the crazy paving off the outside. We've had an email in as well, Frank, from Sid. Things are looking up. Sid, quite sort of 80s gas campaign. Hold on, have we got time to do this thing? We have, it's alright. Oh, okay. Sid says, while clearing out my father-in-law's attic a few years ago... Well, I've heard some

euphemisms in my time. Carry on. We came across some Swiss Army toilet paper. It was 20 or so small squares of Izal-type grease-proof paper. Oh, Izal, that's the sharp stuff. Probably sharper than the pen knife of the that's the sharp stuff it's probably sharper than the pen knife of the same well it's funny you say sharp because he says stapled into a booklet

with swiss army on the cover what a great find sid that that is i wonder if there was a one sheet of that swiss army toilet paper that you could use for removing excrement from a horse's hoof. I like the idea that all the toilet paper in Switzerland is that Eizel shiny stuff. I'd say Lewis Hamilton and Phil Collins have to have some sort of comeback for being tax exiles. Frank, we were talking about things that spoil films for you, and 530 has texted in to say, I struggled to suspend my disbelief in 300

when the Greek queen had a very obvious vaccine scar. Oh, no, that could have been an asp bite, to be fair. I like 363 has texted in on the subject of weird food. After trudging round a Thai festival trying to find some food my wife would eat, we finally found some sausages. She took a bite, then screamed. It had what could only be described as squid tentacles sticking out of it.

Or it could just be tubes in meat, couldn't it? I like it. I like the idea that you could take that home and if you had a Thai submarine in the bath, you could re-enact a scene from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I'm not seeing it. I like the idea that you could take that home and if you had a Thai submarine in the bath you could re-enact a scene from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I've not seen it. Submarines are tapped by a giant sausage

at one point. Is it? Spoiler alert. I love that Alan's seen their films. He's not so to the wild. I've seen some films. I'm calling it a banger alert. That's what went off in the submarine i had a question for you frank because you i love a quiz in the in in the time i've been on this show you've admitted several times to having a very

poor sense of direction and there was a once where i went to the wrong floor before we started and you empathized rather than mocked, and I was pleased by that. Yes, I don't often take that option. Yeah, that's why I was pleased. I wondered if you'd seen the story that Paolo Di Canio was meant to run a little fun run and then start the firing pistol for a half marathon, took a wrong turn and completed the whole half marathon in his football boots with studs.

No, he didn't. No, I said... That could have happened. This... I'm actually now doing a guest appearance on the Christian O'Connell show from two years ago. I just can't find my way out of the station. You see, I love Frank like a brother, I mean that, but orienteering... I love you like a brother. Oh, I don't know if that's so nice. Frank, orienteering i love you like a brother oh i don't know if that's so

nice okay frank orienteering is not your strong suit no i i mean i have real problems not just outdoors i um i was working at um a production company last week and um we were in this office and i went to the toilet and i found the toilet, thanks to the directions. And when I come back, I couldn't I couldn't work out again. So I had to go to this lady at the desk. And if you're asking, where's the toilet? That's fine. But where's the office I was working in before?

It was something she didn't have the answer to. And she looked, you know, a bit awkward. And then luckily, I saw someone who I knew from our bit of the thing and she took me back. And then I went to the toilet a second time and got lost again and asked the same woman and it just, I mean she started to think I was a sex

pest, I'm sure of that. To be fair I was just wearing a pyjama jacket which is a habit I need to break. But it's so embarrassing and distressing i i don't have a clue i can't even i can't work out where i went wrong it's terrifying you're useful to use as a reverse compass i genuinely when we walk somewhere and you go left i think it's obviously right no it's it's so true unless we're on an airplane the closest i have to empathize is when i occasionally

i will try and have a run when i'm in a hotel and and i get lost all the time well you want to be careful you don't run into someone with a big try in the corridor i'm often running out of hotel rooms but when you go running like when you're away and you don't know where you are and then invariably i end up lost and i think it's partly the shorts and t-shirt. I feel really juvenile. I feel really reduced when I have to go up to a stranger and go, excuse me, do you know where I'm standing there in my shorts and t-shirt? Well, they think you're a fleeting philanderer.

Do they? You've had to get out of a bedroom window in your smalls. No one's doing the walk of shame in running shorts and trainers, has he? They might be. Daley Thompson might be. No, you always wear a trackie. Oh, we do. All the time. All occasions. Even for a black tie. I was in a cab the other night and we came

to the roundabout, literally outside my flat, and I said it's right just first exit. No, it isn't. It's the second exit when we got there. I can't visualise it, do you know what I mean? That's weird, isn't it? Paulo De Cano, I should say, gave me...

I believe it was him that pushed the referee over, wasn't it, that time? That was one of the most... I don't know if you know about that, Em. It was one of the most pleasurable things ever. It's the only time I've seen a referee dive. Because he kind of just lightly pushed this bloke on the chest. And the referee staggered back about four paces and then fell on his bum.

And it was... You know, referees are always the kids who wet themselves at school. They're always the bullied, I think. And he was... I think it was so on his hard drive that there'd be a kid kneeling down behind him when he was pushed that he fell over anyway.

You know, those sort of referees that come from places with two names, those are always the wettest ones. You know, like Leighton Bossett. If it's something like Mr Patrick Kayes from Bishop Stortford, exactly. He'll be a wetter. So anyway... He'll be a wetter. I need to shut up.

If you want to download Not The Weekend podcast, that'll be available from Wednesday, and that's a completely different show. Give it a go. Next is Mark Crossley. I think we're just about done here. Thank you so much for listening. And if the good Lord's

willing and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back next week at the same time. Goodbye. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.