The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Partner Oppression

Episode Date: August 6, 2011

Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Laura Solon, who discuss partner oppression, Sooty and Paul and packing for Edinburgh.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean. I'm also with Laura Solon.

Oh, good morning. Yeah, so it's the first time we've ever had the one man, two ladies combo on the show. I'm quite looking forward to it. Who's going to be Paula Wilcox and who's going to be Sally Thompson? I'll let you sort that out between yourselves. Oh, OK. There's a slight Girls of the Playboy Mansion vibe as well. Thank you very much for that.

Yeah, it's a bit early in the morning. My face is a bit, you know, it takes a while for it to settle. I've still got some pillow lines down the side of the face. I hate that. I linger more and more as you get older. I mean, it's like I've, it looks like pleats down the side of my face. It's like, it looks, one side of my face in the morning looks like half a red gym skirt.

Yeah. Good morning. Laura is a friend of the show as well really oh god i mean we've gone jingle crazy she's most definitely a friend of the show and uh she has sat in on many occasions and it's always lovely to see you got biscuit chocolate biscuits this time did we not have chocolate biscuits before? We don't normally have them for me. Oh. I'm just saying. No. I've never had a chocolate biscuit before.

No, but you won't. I don't think you do carbs anymore, do you? No, not really. No. Only in moderation. Yeah, I think since we won a Sony in the interim. Yeah. Or was it an antrim?

I don't know. But anyway, since then, the chocolate biscuits... They're on the other side of the desk to me, so it could be anything over there for all I know. I think I saw a tiger prawn a couple of weeks ago. That was left over from when David Essex was here. Exactly. Love's takeaway.

Does he? It'll get better. Don't switch off. Don't switch off! Oh! That's four now, we're down to. So I, um, I've had a strange old week. I'll be, I'll be perfectly frank with you.

I know. Um, I, um, my girlfriend's been away this week. Oh, yeah. So you know you get to play it being single. Yeah. I think you've been... Yes. My partner, Dan, is away as well. I think, actually, they're away in the same city.

I'm wondering if this is very convenient. They're both in Edinburgh. No, no. My girlfriend was... She was in Cheltenham. That's what she told me. But now, obviously, you've put doubt in my mind. Has she been seen? She was in Norm. That's what she told me, but now obviously you've put doubt in my mind. Has she been seen?

She was in Norm, that's what she said. In Norm? Yeah. But it gives you a bit of freedom, doesn't it? It does. I got my Hawaiian shirt out. If I wear an Hawaiian shirt when Kat's around, she gives me such... First of all, she has a general blanket rule that she doesn't like a short-sleeved shirt.

Is that right? On me, right? But an Hawaiian shirt, I mean, I've got some. Some I actually bought in Honolulu. Lovely, you know. I actually do the inverse of that. When my husband's away, I do what I call a bit of a wardrobe cull, and I throw away his t-shirts

that I don't like. But they're the bad t-shirts that have shrunk and risen up, so there's the... In your opinion, he was very fond of that Linda's farm. I'm doing him a favour. Yeah, that Linda's farm. It's an actor. I think Gazza turned up on the last night and they did the fog on the tie. Honestly, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. him in favor i think i'm doing him a loving act of support honestly i would go ballistic he doesn't notice ever really so they can't be that many t-shirts does he own your part we call him your

partner yeah but i think he's taken the t-shirts with him that he likes so no but not all of them surely anyway i wouldn't go you've got i think you sound a bit jerry halliwell to me if you don't mind me saying remember that story apparently jerry halliwell i mean i'm not one to gossip oh i am but um this might not be true, can I say, if anyone of a legal nature is listening. But I was told that during a brief thing with Chris Evans, when she fell madly in love with him, that he got in one day and there was some new clothes in the wardrobe and some old clothes had disappeared.

And she said, I think these are more. I don't buy any new clothes to replace the ones that are in the way. No, no, but I'm sure if you had Gerry's money, you'd do that as well. Yeah. But, yeah, so what about that? Because she bought me white Calvin Klein pants. Did she?

Gerry? Yeah, Gerry did. Yeah, just out of the blue. That was the beginning of... The end? Yeah. No, actually, come to think of it, it was just the end. So, Frank, I've got this vision of you now.

You've cracked out the Hawaiians. Yeah. You've got your Club Tropicana shirt on. Well, I've got my best Hawaiian out. Oh, OK. I've got the one with the coconut buttons. You can get the cheap plastic. These are actually made from coconut.

Honestly, I remember I went to Dodley Zoo in it. The chimpanzees were throwing themselves against the bar. I don't know if you've ever heard that, but there's a sound effect. Can I see if I can simulate it, actually? There's obviously the normal shriek. But then the sound of being winded. But you need a bit of the bar

as well. I don't know if that's quite in the right... Very elaborate. That thing, I thought that would ring in a metallic way. It turned out to be some sort of hard plastic thing. Oh, it's a fire alarm, you say? Did you team it with a snug brief, or...? Get out.

Go on. No, right out. No. Right out. Keep. No, I do. I'm at that point, because we're going to Edinburgh next week. The show moves up to Edinburgh for a couple of weeks next week.

Three weeks, in fact. I'm wearing my not-so-good pants, because I want to take my nice pants with me. You know that thing you have to do before you go away anywhere? Yeah. I don't know if girls do this. I'm going to learn so much about girls today. I like it's like being a gay best friend you know what i mean it's like that you know that one on that one on towy who does the longest lingerie don't any

i know tell me about it oh harry is that what he's called he's uh i'm calling him a strange character and then I also it meant that I had the freedom to have the telly on loud lovely because I don't know if I am going deaf but you need things on louder the other night she came and she went oh god that's loud

you have to turn it down it's making me anxious and I end up I can't hear half the things. She's talking about your shirt. It's very loud, that shirt. No, but it's got to the point where I'm watching Hollyoaks with the signing man at the front. It's my only hope of getting any dialogue out of it. We'll be back after this, I was going to say.

I've never said that before. No. In three years of presenting this show, we'll be back after this. Who would have thought? Professionalism is seeping in like water going into a sinking ship. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, so we were just talking about... I think I'd call it, if I had to give it a term,

I'd call it partner oppression. Those little, simple, harmless pleasures that you're just not allowed to do. And it's not necessarily a strict rule. Sometimes it's just a look. Yeah. Oh, it's often a look. Frank, we've had a text in already.

What, at 8.12.15? Yes, we have. This is... I can't believe we've had a text in already. What, at 8.12.15? Yes, we have. This is... I can't believe we've had one. This is actually an instruction. Ah, celebration. This is an instruction to Laura to be careful throwing the fella's clothes out.

Yeah? Referring to Mr Laura as the fella. Yeah. My missus threw a shirt of mine out. It had 1,400 quid in the pocket. Or is that just what she said? I don't like money in a shirt pocket either. No.

Well, you think she found it and then said, oh, no, I threw that shirt out. I threw that shirt out, yeah. Anyway, speaking of clothes, what do you think of my mink coat? Mink coat. Can I just... If ever I betrayed my age... Are they 1,400 quid?

Are they? It was Can I just... If ever I betrayed my age... Are they 1,400 quid? Are they? It was when I saw... I took the image of a Ming coat as the height of luxury. Incredibly politically incorrect. Yeah. Can I say, I meant fake fur coat. Yeah, faux fur he meant.

Faux fur. Yes. I'd like to know what little pleasures our listeners have had suppressed or oppressed by their partners. Why don't they text us on 8-12-15? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question. Why don't they?

Of course, I had a completely free range on the TV remote. You realise how many things you watch you don't really want to watch just as a kind of a compromise. You end up spending the night in, neither of you don't really want to watch, just as a kind of a compromise. You end up spending the night in, neither of you watching what you want to watch. Yeah. Because Kath wants to watch, you know, Come Dying With Me, basically all night.

She likes a reality show. And then so do I. I managed to do to the Nazis a warning from history back to back. Did you? That's freedom. Well, obviously not in its content, it isn't, but in the freedom to watch you. Oh, I love the Nazis are a warning from history.

Do you know my dad's best friend made that? I wonder where that was going. Do you know my dad's best friend was a Nazi? I know I name drop, but not to that degree. No, that's why one Christmas we watched that. Everyone else watched The Snowmen, and we watched The Nazis, A Warning From History. Oh, really?

It's been an unconventional life, in many respects. There was snow in it when they got to the Eastern Front. I don't remember a snowman. There might have been. You get the old Nazis on there. Still, they won't have it. They will not have it, even at this stage. You know, this sort of...

There was one, like, a big white-haired bloke saying, no, but, you know this sort of look there was one like a big white head block saying no but you know it's very different man you know like you know you had to be there you had to be there about national socialist germany no you didn't have to be there that was the point what else did you get what was your... Did you run free in any other way apart from Cloud's Thest? My husband thinks that I'm very messy and he said I was away for three months this year and he said that when I was away the flat was 70% tidier.

70%? He put a quantitative value on a qualitative concept. Did he ever wall chart? Yeah. Mess is relative. 70%? Yeah, 70%, which is high. It is. So I enjoy

not having things tidied away when he's away. So I don't think it's messy. I work from home so it's not mess, it's home office debris, I call it. I think that's fair enough. I got me coloured pencils out and did a bit of drawing.

Did you? I'll tell you. Are you not allowed to draw? I don't know that I'm not allowed. The trouble is my girlfriend is very good at art, and I feel a fool. I feel a fool drawing around her. And she still got round that because, not deliberately,

she tries to encourage me, but I drew an onion. I drew the same onion about 12 times to try and get it right. So one of them I was quite pleased with. So Kath came back and I said, I've been doing a bit of drawing for a while. She said, let's have a look. I said, what do you think of that? She said, is it a contact lens?

And I thought, well, hold on a minute. I said, well, I said that bit where the brown skin has flaked off and there's like green candy striping. How do you, where would you get that on a contact? I mean, it really hurt me. But I'll tell you what did make me think. Kath, as Emily knows, she wears spectacles or she just goes basically partially sighted.

But she won't wear contact lenses because she said she can't see in them properly and they sting her eyes. I'm now starting to think she's been using onions. It explains the whole thing. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Emily Dean, Laura Solon we were talking about partner oppression

I think we've thought people might text in about the things that their partners won't let them do, it's not really happening but you never know it's early, you know six listeners to choose of them they're not allowed to listen to the radio maybe that is a problem i thought about onions just by the way yes it's one of nature's failures don't you think the onion the onion well don't get me started on onions you don't like onions at all but the onion you see i thought the onion was after it was after the kind of extra

strong mint type thing but it's it's horrible in fact i mean who could eat you know well this is what i've always said whatever you eat you have to cloak it with stuff you have to cloak it with cheese and bread you see you're eating something you think well i don't actually want to taste it ideally can we can we cover it with other stuff stealth food horrible isn't it lovely to be able to talk about mints again on this show? Because we used to be sponsored by Soft Mint. We had a ban for a while, Laura. It was a mint ban.

What about any mints apart from Soft Mints? Well, yeah, I mean, I was encouraged to mention Soft Mints. You dropped the brand. Stubbornly, I didn't. And consequently, I never got any free Soft Mints, which even though I was promised them by the lady from soft mints. Women lie. So if they're listening now, those people don't want them anymore.

I'll have a nice onion. Now, Frank, here's a sentence you don't hear uttered that often. Paul Daniels was in the news this week. Is this the retro section? The leaks should have been. Speaking of things that make you cry. Speaking of brown, sort of flaky things

that make you cry. No, Frank, the onions have hair. I'm sorry, but incorrect. Well, I think Paul's got a bit round the... No, he's sawn syrup now. I think he's got a bit round the... No, he's sawn serif now. I think he's got a couple of circular bits of hair around the antennae, if I remember rightly. The sawn rug. Have you seen his antennae?

No. I mean, he obviously sweeps them back when he's on air. Sweeps them back? Well, it's funny you should say that. Oh, that's a good segue. Well, no, this headline was Paul Daniels, the magician, was taken to hospital with head injuries after being hit in the face Well, no, this headline was, Paul Daniels, the magician, was taken to hospital with head injuries after being hit in the face by a pizza thrown by the puppet Sooty.

Discuss. I like the puppet Sooty. Yes. Yeah. As opposed to Sooty. Well, if they said Sooty, you'd think, well, who's that? Who's that? Is that?

I mean, it could be the puppet, but... Mm. Yeah. Well, it's, I mean, it mean, apparently he got a bit burnt by it. It seems wrong to me that Johnny Marbles gets six weeks and the bear walks free. I say walks. Sort of the bottom fringes of him

drags across the work surface as he exits, is what I'm saying. Did you see the pictures, Laurie? Yeah, yeah, I did, and I read it online, and what I liked best was a comment at the bottom of the story where someone had written in, why can't they just once report the story exactly how it is? The pizza hit Paul on the right side of his head, brackets, not his eye.

Well, I like that. Catchy journalist. And they had a statement, a close associate of Sooty. Sweet. Yeah, we've actually got the... Of course, he's turned to drink since the Corbett dynasty has collapsed. I didn't even know the Corbetts weren't involved with... No.

They no longer have a hand in Sutton and Swift. No, I didn't know they'd gone. It's some fella called Richard Cadell. Yeah, he's a puppet master as opposed to a puppeteer. Oh, is he? They're different. Puppet master's like a freemason's thing, isn't it? A puppet master?

God, that is terrifying. What's going to happen is we'll be watching the television one night, we'll go... Richard Cadell will appear and say, you must give me ten millions in diamonds or small bears bearing pizzas. We'll march into your cities. Here they come now, listen to their song.

Yeah. I tell you what troubled me was the pizza itself because it wasn't a proper pizza it wasn't a dog it was a child it was a bit mum's gone to iceland wasn't it one of those six for a pound frozen ones no but it was because it's a child's program they used um they used the child's pizza that's from you know you know the child's menu one of my favorite things in any restaurant i've said oh i wouldn't mind no no you can't have that on the child's menu, one of my favourite things in any restaurant. I said, oh, I wouldn't mind. No, no, you can't have that. It's on the child's menu.

I experimented with that as a diet once. The child's menu? Just go child's menu because the portions are much smaller. What a brilliant idea. When I first saw the picture of him, though, I thought, I mean, he looked, I saw Paul and Daniel's face. I thought it was a proper Nicky Louder job. I thought, oh, my God, it's took

the whole face off. I realised it was just the ravages of age. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, I'm a passive soul, as you've probably already discovered, Laura.

Already, I'd like to debate that. No, no, go on um but i was pushed to breaking point this week oh god really i saw red laura it does involve some neighbors i'm afraid right my neighbors as it happens um would you like to hear what happens so name them wait you can't just move on i might have to be moving on very soon after this it's like it's like dark clouds going across an otherwise lovely day go on what happened because you've only just moved in i've only just moved in i got back from the show last week feeling very buoyant and in quite good spirits only to find uh i was desolate large items of furniture outside my entrance i share my entrance door i've heard that no

thank i'm liking the sound of it i've always been a big fan of street furniture oh it makes me feel it makes me actually feel physically sick rubbish big fat gypsy wedding it's horrible. No, I love it. You know when sometimes you see, if there's a furniture shop and they've got the furniture and the man who owns the furniture shop will come out and sit in one of the chairs. Just to show how comfortable it is.

I always think, what, I wish there was more chairs in the street for that. You know, they do it in a hotel corridor. You know, you walk down a hotel corridor and suddenly there'll be an armchair for no apparent reason. Just in case you get tired halfway down the corridor. Well, I used walk down a hotel corridor and suddenly there'll be an armchair for no apparent reason. In case you get tired halfway down the corridor. Well, I used to make a point to that. Whenever I was with it, when I was on tour, I'd always

walk down the corridor. Even though I'd done the joke a hundred times, I'd be with the tour manager or the support act. And look, we'd pass an armchair and I'd go, oh, just have a bit of a, oh, this is a bit of a slog, isn't it, to that room. I loved it.

There's always an office chair as well. There's always a sort of thread, an office chair with foam emerging from it. Anyway, there were bits of furniture, an empty bookcase, don't like those, very ghostly empty bookcases. I find an office chair is like a home in Pigeon for a skip. That's what, they love to go in a skip.

Well, Frank, that's essentially what they turn my entrance into, these people. Right. Oh, goodness. So there was all sorts. There was bin bags, 14, I counted them. All sorts going on. I found the person responsible. He was sort of, he's the man who lives upstairs.

He says, penthouse, I say attic. Those sort of shoreditch black specs. You know the type. Oh, I see. Oh, well, it didn't sound like he'd hit you, though, at least. I shouted up. I said, can you shed any light on these items? That is a very...

Do you like items, Laura? Did you say it in an inquisitive, slightly middle-class tone of voice? Well, I'm afraid she stopped with that. I like, can you shed any light on this. So what did he say? He said, oh, yeah, we're recycling. I said, recycling? What, putting them in the street?

He said, yeah, yeah, someone will want them. He's joking. He did, yes. They weren't recycled. They were abandoned. Exactly. Oh, no. So I wasn't happy, as you can imagine.

We had a small argument. He left it by saying, it's fine, it's fine, they'll be picked up tomorrow. Tomorrow, 7.30am, this is a Sunday, except my alarm. I'm not joking. You didn't. I wanted to know if they were gone. Went out in my bathrobe, specs on, hair a bit like Mrs Bridges and upstairs, downstairs in a bun, my sleeping bun.

Marched out, they were still there. I went up, I knocked on the door. Just to get the picture up, was it a hooded bathrobe? Yes, there was a slight hood. But the hood was down. Slightly Yoda vibe, yeah. You've got to have somewhere to go. You can't go up with the hood up.

I couldn't go out in the street in a bathrobe, I have to say. I respect you for that. I thought I couldn't up until last Sunday. I used to have recurring dreams of being out in the street wearing just a pyjama jacket. I think, I think, yeah. I think it would remind me of that. If a woman is angry and wearing a bathrobe in the street,

I think you'd listen to her. What, that's... I would listen to her. Well, my first thought, I probably missed the first couple of sentences thinking, is that a hood or... Has she got a towel? Is that a towel left

over from drawing it right here you didn't have the big did you have the big tell you know that they did a bit like the like the african lady i wish i'd done that i love that no but i had the belt tight very tight very tight to signify my anger anyway it was the female of the partnership of the unholy alliance so um I said, these items are still here. Still stuck to items. I'm glad you're stuck with items. Sundries. I said, your partner...

I said partner slightly to diminish their relationship. Well, suggesting they're living over the broom. Yeah. Your partner told me these items would have been removed. He said it was recycling. That's not recycling in my book. Huh. So, um...

Yeah, you got... Did you have the book with you? I had a book. It's tipping. That's what it is. I told her. Oh, Frank, it all came out. I went all civil servant.

Fly tipping. Environmental health came up. Really? There was a huge drought. In the end... Environmental health from an armchair? In the end... What if it had rained him that's what i put to you what do you mean if it had rained that night yeah they'd have been out in the open am

i right those items yeah so no one would have taken them then exactly good point in the end she was cowed by me frank she was feeling and she said i ended with me frank you'll be delighted to hear saying get the screwdriver. It was a bit Tina, get me the axe. Was it? Because I told her she had to take the furniture down. What, she had to dismantle? Oh, she dismantled, all right.

And they've moved out now. You can recycle it, but it has to go via a flat pack. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in on 8.12.15. Speaking of furniture in strange places, why are there always white garden chairs involved

when you get trouble at a European football match? I think that could be what the stewards... They're not talking about the seats that get ripped up, the plastic seats. No, I think when there's footage of fights going on, you do always see white garden furniture being thrown around. Yeah, that could be steward seating. Yeah.

A mate of mine, him and his mate, paid 800 quid to go and watch England play abroad. Yeah. And there'd been a riot when they got there. And they got to their seats, there was just two metal spikes. they got there and they got to their seats there was just two metal spikes i'm not suggesting for a second that football hedonism is comical but i i did uh i did laugh when he told me the story it's that decision another thing you think well could i make myself comfortable could i just get on one end of it could i fold a newspaper over exactly it's a big risk though isn't it it's a very big risk. I mean, what a way

to go. We're talking about the neighbours. My neighbours from hell. Emily's neighbours. There was a postscript that I... When I say my neighbours from hell, they've gone, those ones. I should say I've got some lovely neighbours. So I don't want them to think it's them. Because it's Joanna and Luke who I actually want to befriend.

I aspire to be their friends. Very glamorous couple. They sound glamorous, actually. These two, this pair, as I call them... I'm guessing it's Joanna Wally Kilmer. And Luke the Evangelist. He's older than her, obviously. No, they're lovely.

This pair, as I now call them, this pair. Yeah. So what I did, guys, I decided I was a little worried that they might have their deposit intact. So I thought I might let the owner of the property know. Inform him, keep him up to date. Now, he's busy. You took the East German approach.

He's working with Eminem at the moment. So he doesn't live here. He works with Eminem. Yes, he does. The landlord working with Eminem at the moment. So he doesn't live here. He works with Eminem. Yes, he does. The landlord works with Eminem. Yes. I've told you, it's an unconventional life, right? It does.

That sounds unlikely. So he's been informed. Let's leave it there. Has he? Oh, God. Is some man covered in jewellery going to arrive with an automatic rifle? I don't like the sound of that. And they've moved out.

You sure they weren't just moving out? That's why the furniture was outside. They were moving out, but they were dumping all their stuff there. That's why they'd left everything there. Expecting me to tidy it up. And as they know from the note I also left on their car. I'm not joking. I wasn't happy.

You scratched it with a key. I said, this is inconsiderate, and I underlined my name three times. What if they'd put a note on their furniture saying, help yourself, because some people do that when they dump furniture on the street, and they just put a little paper note on it going, please take this. And somehow that makes it an act of civic charity.

Yeah, but that's like 400 quid, O-N-O, on the side of a Ford Mondeo. I love that. I love people just sell their cars by just putting... A bit of paper in the window. I love it. Why bother with... I think my...

I remember having... There was a people living upstairs from me. I was living in a flat, obviously, but they hadn't just... It wasn't Anne Frank. Anne Frank I found to be a very quiet person when she was upstairs I went I went up to complain about the noise at about 2 in the morning I was really in a bathrobe no just the pajamas as i um as i walked in i uh well i rang the bell and they opened the door and i i didn't take my finger off the bell so the entire conversation was had with

the bell ringed it i was so livid it was like trying to reason with someone during a fire alarm. It's a bit... I went very Birmingham, you know. It's a bit loud, you know. It was like that, but they did turn it down. I used to live next door to a man who had the Doberman pincher. Oh. It was quite frightening to knock on someone's door. They had a glass front to the door. I'd ring the bell and

you know ring the bell complain about the noise and uh he uh the light would come on and the dog could see the dog coming up the corridor oh i don't like it when you can see through the glass any dog through frosted glass is terrifying it would it would jump up and the set you know the sound of dog nails against glass i was on edge before we'd even had the confrontation it's it's it's a very that that moment when you actually go around to complain yeah because if your voice breaks or wobbles just a little bit that's it you've lost yeah exactly status you're quite right thanks for telling me that i'll be on my mind can you just be on my mind now. Can you do it? Yeah. He's doing it.

Oh, dear. Frank, we've had a text in from Matt in Bracknell. Matt in Bracknell. I was once in the middle of a DIY job when my neighbour, who lives one door down, began playing excessively loud music. I went down to complain and was impressed with how cowed my neighbour appeared. It was only when I got home that I noticed I still had my heavy-duty Stanley knife

clipped to the front of my belt. That would do it. I remember, this is years ago in a way it's a terrible story but it's a long time ago there was a story that somebody that had these loud neighbours and this bloke had finally snapped

and he'd gone round there with a double barrel shotgun and he'd shot those three neighbours he shot two of them well he shot all three of them but he had two barrels so there must have been a moment when two of them was Well, he shot all three of them, but he had two barrels. So there must have been a moment when two of them was in bits and he was reloading. Or one threw himself in front of the other.

Well, imagine if you're the one, though, when he's reloading. You know that Oliver Hardy? Whoa! Oh, man. Admittedly not comedy, in essence, but, you know. Well, a news story here that might say novelist tony parsons might have a problem from noisy or aggressive neighbors when he becomes just a minute novelist tony parsons was going to become heathrow airport's writer in residence

okay yes and he he's the 80s sort of um male lit man was man lit? Man and boy, yeah. Is he 80s or 90s? 90s. I think 90s. Well, he dresses 80s. Yeah, that's deliberate. I mean, he's no stranger to a Fred Perry. Let's put it that way. He's going to be that writer.

The writer of Heathrow Airport because apparently airports are places of extreme emotion where people come and go and experience the beginning and end and he's going to use his experiences to write a collection of short stories about the airport I'm just going to put a bit of a

gold frame around this gag so the frame is now on the wall here it comes Tony Parsons is going to be the writing resident at Heathrow Airport that's a bit of a departure for him and relax he doesn't airport. That's a bit of a departure for him. Oh, Brian! And relax.

He doesn't look very happy about it in the photos. I don't know if it's something he'd chosen to do. I think his general look is rugged. What, you think he was hijacked? Yeah. He was on holiday in Cuba. It's a bit of a turnaround for him. He's actually sitting in an office chair.

I don't know if that had been left outside. Yeah, in the picture. He's got a bit of foam coming out. I think he's awful. You think he's awful? I think it's an awful idea. Right to a residence at Heathrow Airport. And they're effectively coach stations, airports. So where will he live? You'll live in one of those... The toilets in Terminal

4, that's what I heard. I'll live in the WX Smiths. WX Smiths, Terminal 3. You know, you get like the Heathrow Hilton. You'll be in one of those. Yeah, Heathrow H, Terminal 3. You know, you get like the Heathrow Hilton. You'll be in one of those. Yeah, Heathrow Hilton. It qualifies. It's the Heathrow Hilton. Heathrow Hilton is the less sexy sister, of course, of Paris.

So there's going to be an empty bed at the Parsonage for a few nights? Is that what I'm saying? I'll get myself down there. Get me 80s glad rags on. Yeah. He said, I grew up reading Arthur Haley's novel, Airport. That took a long time to read. Very long novel.

I imagine there's a massive leather-bound copy on the table. Before they went to bed at night. Very large print. Old man Parson would say, right, look. You have your baths, but before that, we shall have another reading from Arthur Haley's Airport. Show up to 17. The plane came roaring up.

Et cetera, et cetera. A little slice from the home life of the young Tony Parsons there. I'll have you know that I was offered a writer in residence. You were not. Not at Heathrow. Because there's one at the Savoy, isn't there? Yes. That was offered a writer in residence. You were not. Not at Heathrow. Because there's one at the Savoy, isn't there? Yes. That would be a much better job.

Kathy Lett had that, the pun woman, yeah. Yes. Where was your... I think Faye Weldon was the writer in residence at the Savoy. Now, that is a good residency. £1,500 a night suite you get for three months. Is that right? Well, I was offered...

I can't remember the name of that. It was quite a posh hotel in London. I was offered. And they said you can have free room service, unlimited minibar. Obviously done their research about the teetotaler.

There's Toblerones in a minibar. Can you Google recovering alcoholics before we make any offers? The Toblerones obviously would have been a minute. Can you Google recovering alcoholics before we make any offers? The Toblerones obviously would have been a temptation but I don't know about you

I find it hard to eat one without hurting my mouth. Look at their sharp pointy chocolate. They are. It's like eating an afro comb. I like to keep one

in the boot in case I in case I park on a hill. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, something odd.

It was, I had to stay in this hotel for a week was the idea. It was quite a good moment. What would you have to write? Well, that was the trouble. It involved a sort of, there was a tweet element. Oh.

And I don't do the tweet. This hotel is great. I don't do the tweet. No, the idea, they said you can have free run of the kitchens and you know that and you can run a muck yeah you know chat to our staff chat to our residents etc and then you know you just get a sense of people doing that leisure breaks yeah exactly i i i had uh i'd have had a full run of the uh and a broad brimmed hat i'd have what i would have written Corridor Armchair. Would you have worn a velvet snooker jacket and a broad-brimmed hat? I would have written on a Corridor Armchair, a different one every day,

with an elaborate little laptop. This is what worries me about Tony Parsons. He's going to be a pest. He's just going to be nosing around, listening to people's conversations. They're going to want to get rid of him. He'll be able to help himself to all those bottles of toiletries that people aren't allowed to take on the plane and get confiscated into those bins that's true what happens to that stuff it's gonna smell fabulous ray ducks showers 80s jackets could

do with an overhaul um 469 sounds like his career is taking off oh colin absolutely loving it well i speaking of um of space age, what do you mean we weren't? Get out. I'm not a big fan of nostalgia. I tend not to look back. I've even had the rear view mirror taken out the car. But I had a sudden... My favourite toy when I was a child

was a thing called the Dan Deere radio set. You know Dan Deere? I believe I've mentioned him on the show before. He's the pilot of the future. Bit of a Buck Rogers type. Yeah, sort of. Very British. He smoked a pipe.

There aren't that many adventure heroes that smoke a pipe. I can think of another one. Unless you're Class C or Combs, but he wasn't really. Anyway, I like the idea of an hero with a pipe. Right there, we have you this time. We have your backy pouch. You fiend. Oh, I need some of that chewing gum stuff.

So, I got this thing. What it is, it's like a gray plastic console right and it's got two big antennae on top and there's a little bleeper that you can bleep morse code messages sounds like the equipment in absolute radio yeah it's a similar um similar era and it's it's i mean i thought i'll get it as an ornament rather than something to play with, but I have 12 or 3 dials, I must say. Twiddling the nubs. I couldn't resist it.

I've sent the odd... I mean, my Morse code is Rosti. But then again, so has the Dandese. Are you sending it to anyone, or is it just... Across space. Yeah. When I send an intergalactic message, I tend to begin, to whom it may concern.

This, madam. I don't want some alien thinking, I tend to begin, to whom it may concern. Yes, madam. I don't want some alien thinking, oh, that's probably not for me. And then turning to a friend and saying... And then I would have missed out on all that. Lovely bit of alien language. I was quite pleased with that. I might keep that in my hat. So, yes, it was... It's a very odd thing for me to do,

but I went on eBay and I paid 43 quid for this thing. This is something else. When the partner's away, you buy childhood toys back. But it's great. Is it better than you remember? Oh, it's just as brilliant as I remember. It's such a basic, simple toy. There's an adjustable lamp on it that you can

so that the beam goes right You know when you're sending intergalactic messages you want to watch them go off into the stratosphere So yeah, I never know what the lamp was for but it's great I find that rather moving Thanks

It's made me i find that rather moving thanks i do it's made me uh just think generally about uh i say i don't tend to look back but i did real and i don't want to get into one of those whatever happened to white dog mess type you know nostalgia talk things but i was thinking how it's been a very long time since i last fell out of bed as child, I'd fall out of bed maybe once every three weeks or so. And there's something amazing. You're sort of, you're asleep, obviously. It's terrifying. It is. And suddenly, I don't know how I did it. It's life affirming as well.

But why have I stopped falling out of bed? Do I move less? I don't know. You're looking at me for the answer. Do I move less or...? I don't know, you're looking at me for the answer. Do I just know now that at my age, if I fell out of bed, that could be... I could be in a chair forever. And a dome in outside Emily's house. But I miss that.

But anyway, have you kept childhood toys? Is there anything you...? Well, I've got... I had my Fonzie doll, which I have discussed on this show before, Laura, laura length but he had a lovely little plastic leather jacket yeah and little thumbs that moved upward well you need the thumb well exactly i had the fonzie he was stolen by the school bully alex frewen um yeah and then whoa um a friend of mine my friend jonathan uh i don't like to name dot but it's jonathan ross he bought me the full set which was so lovely i had he bought me potsy ralph mouth and richie cunningham because i never had them in my childhood so it was a sense of closure for me

i had a very deprived childhood laura so only only getting the funsies. Yeah, only the other ones. No cupcake? What about, was it Al who used to go ah, yup, yup, yup, yup. That'd be a good doll. It's sort of a very bloodhound type man. Did you have a toy, Laura, that you were fond of?

I just had a rabbit called Cottontail, which I have to this day. The rest of my toys, my mum threw away my childhood when she moved house. She just put everything in boxes and then left it outside the house. Threw away your childhood? Sounds like my neighbours. Yeah. I've only got the rabbit and some photos of me in a swimming team,

which are not what you want. Well, I don't know. I wish I had a gala experience to look back on. But no, I can't even swim. I'd love to know what our listeners would, what toys they'd like to recapture. But, you know, at the moment, they're not talking to me. It's one of those moments when my whole listening citizenship

is in a bit of a sulk, and I don't know what I've said. There you are, 857. He's in Terminal 5, not Terminal 4. Thanks for that, Tony Parsons. Oh, so-so. He's not as ill as we thought. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we have another text in, 022.

I'd like to have Mr Frosty again. We were talking about toys, your Dandare radio set. Toys we'd like to get back. Mr Frosty, actually, is my pet name for David Walliams. We're talking about toys, your Dandare radio set. Toys we'd like to get back. I'm not familiar with them. Mr Frosty actually is my pet name for David Walliams. That's another story. What is a Mr Frosty? What is that?

Mr Frosty used to make ice lollies. You put ice in him. He had a little tummy. It was lovely. I used it. That passed me by. Was this around the time of prince hazel says she got my alsatian it was run over in 1984 poor thing hazel says she'd like to use it

to make me put the head on a plaque i think that's all right why don't people do that with pets they do it with things they've shot in the forest they had no relationship with their pet stuff no but not they don't have heads on a plaque ever. No. That would make a nice brooch for a middle-aged lady. Helen Ledgerer. I wouldn't mind Helen Ledgerer's head on a... That'd be handy.

Nice and, you know, somewhat... It'd be like a stress ball. Keep going. Well, no, that's it. She'd like to use it to make mojitos. But Laura was talking about a subject very dear to your heart

Frank the library so just before the Mr Frosty went was that the last of the mojitos oh very good

there aren't enough James Fenny Moore Cooper jokes I want to hear your library story because I went to a library this week and thoroughly

enjoyed myself nearly until the last ten minutes I had to leave library this week and thoroughly enjoyed myself, nearly, until the last ten minutes I had to leave because a man, a blackberry, kept pinging and forcing me to say shush, like an elderly lady. A blackberry kept pinging? Yeah, like that ping for their emails. Do elderly ladies say shush? Yes, they wear bathrobes.

I can exclusively reveal they do, yes. But I think proper old ladies don't need to say shush. A disapproving shush. Because they tend to be deaf. Their life is a local life. It's not generalised. OK. Yeah, but you've got a library story.

Well, I don't really have a... You have a history. I'd rather... I've got a bit of a black mark against me on the library front. I'd love to... Tell me about your library. I'll come back to that. I'm not easy about it. Well, I went there to work, because I thought I'd go somewhere... To work in the library front. I'd love to, tell me about your library. I'll come back to that. I'm not easy about it.

Well, I went there to work because I thought I'd go somewhere. To work in the library? Yeah, to do some writing in the library. Oh, not to work at the library? No, not to do some work experience. I'm not changing careers. It's the sort of thing people would do as a sense of nobility, though, to go and work. Volunteer. Volunteer work.

In a library. And, you know, it gives you the chance to show. Yeah. And I went to do some work, and I was expecting it, because I always thought of them as these repositories for people who don't want to pay for newspapers. There's always quite strange people in there reading the free newspapers. But actually, it was a range of normal people.

I was quite uplifted by that. The libraries are still thriving in my local area. In Battersea, the Battersea Library is full of people using its facilities i mean i'm glad i'm glad to hear that i had been killed off by by internet bookshop what happened was i um i wrote an article about local libraries um in which i um i mean my my tendency is to be bookish and always to be on the side of anyone who reads. But I find most local libraries I go into, they're like those... You know in films when they go into a pirate tavern? You know, there's people scarred

and everyone stops and stares. I find them quite terrifying. People with plastic bags. Lots of people with plastic bags. They are quite Mr Frosty. Oh, God oh god and i found that um you know if you you browse the books and there was no need to turn the pages if you just held it open the bacteria would turn them for you if i look at three don't clean those perspex dust sleeves enough they don't they don't i tell you i look at three books i had to go and have a tetanus that's the way i am and also people don't read the books i want them to read no they read mills

and boone and um crime yeah is what they're reading large print murder for the gentleman and love for the lady and i don't steal for the lady yeah and i don't i don't you know i want them to be reading t.S. Eliot or Get Out. Well, they had quite an extensive and informative, you'd like the Battersea Library and you should go there. I've got a ticket. A lot of people reading the right kind of books, that's what you're implying. That's exactly what I meant.

Can I say on the shushing front, I was once on a boss, and I don't know where this came from, but I hate people biting their their nails it's one of my real pet things and um this guy next to me was biting his nails and uh i didn't shush him but i did i went i know it just came out it's the sort of thing i would have done with someone I knew and I didn't know him. And he looked at me like... And he said, what? And I said... He did it.

Yeah. And I said, oh, it's really... Obviously, I backed down a bit. I said, it's really bad biting your nails. And then he bit them all the more. Oh, down to the diner. I tied with the idea of just flattening out my palm, holding it face upwards

and just knocking the bottom of the elbow. You know that thing that you can... But I didn't, I was too frightened. But it just came out. Ah! Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Actually, our ratings are great. Just that everyone else's has gone up this month and ours has stayed the same. But ours is still great. You know, I've just got to keep sure up about it. The Ray Jars came out. Oh, yeah. Since they stopped ruling India,

they've started working out... Radio, commercial radio. Radio listeners, yeah. I mean, it's a strange career move. It's what I would call a knight's move. Frank, we've had an email in from Michael Butterfield. I like the sound of him. I do, very much so.

It was in response to a lovely name, one of those names that makes you smile just to hear, Butterfield. Michael Butterfield, lovely. We were talking last week about silent battles, Laura, just to fill you in. And Michael Butterfield has said, Dear dear frank miss dean and the cockerel in this case laura my father and i've secretly been deleting each other's recorded programs on the sky plus planner for about a year now that is amazing i'd never dare to that you know

if for example i delete one of his numerous grand designs repeats, which he never gets round to watching anyway, to make room for a film, he will then proceed to secretly delete one of my shows from the list. I, in turn, delete another one of his, and the vicious cycle continues, and it's never spoken of between us. Ooh. That is building.

Building to something one day. That is going to erupt. This is from the woman who deletes her boyfriend's T-shirts. I mean, some might say that was a bigger crime. I wouldn't dare. I give them to charity shops. My girlfriend has basically clogged up our Sky Plus with Come Dine With Me.

Something called Three in a Bed, which I bet is much duller than it sounds. That's a good show. And a whole series of something called Trawler Men. And she never watches them. I'll even say... Just because I love... I don't know about you,

but I love the freedom of watching something that's on my Sky Plus and then deleting. Seeing it when it goes like but I love the freedom of watching something that's on MySkyPlus and then deleting. Seeing it when it goes from 28 to 26, the number of... Oh, I love that. Or 26 to 28 and it goes up a bit. I love that. But it's what I would call sort of dog in a manger recording.

They're just there to rob me of space. Not there to be watched in any way. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, I've been reading about packing this week. Okay. And I'll tell you why it's

interested me. Well, you'll probably be able to guess why that's interested me. The story was that women, it's been revealed, pack 44 items on average to go on a two-week holiday well i laughed in the face of that as you can imagine are these buddhist monks 14 items left outside laura i've got 44 items in my handbag currently um but frank and i we're going up for the ed the Edinburgh Festival so I'm packing as we speak

Frank and I are living together Laura I'm quite excited You are going to develop partner oppression Do you think she'll stop me from doing the little pleasures? I hope she'll be alright with me walking around in just a pyjama jacket The freedom

It's the freedom At first they can't take their eyes off but then after a bit they just get over it but i'm see i'm because i'm quite excited it's quite fun it's like it's like being students living in a hall of residence but we've got amex i love it are you packing the aspirational version of yourself are you the honest self you've got it in one i'm seeing it as a little bit of a honeymoon trousseau. So I might even be investing in some new pieces. A few new PJs. Yeah.

A bathrobe that hasn't been involved in a domestic incident. A calming bathrobe. Yeah. That'll be good. Yeah. But yeah, no, I feel... Shall I see you without your make-up? Oh, you will, yeah.

Blimey. She'll see you without yours. Yes. You have to sign an NDA beforehand, though. OK, well, I'll find it. I'll just Google that, and then I'll promote it. Non-disclosure agreement. Oh, OK, yeah, I will.

No, I won't tell anyone. OK. No, I am excited about it. You don't really know someone until you've lived with them in Edinburgh,burgh they say is that right is that what they say yeah yeah oh god it's i'm a little bit i've i have a my packing i've developed some uh i've because i've been on tours and stuff i've got packing now to what i would call the fine art and i have two two approaches which i i don't do on the toss of a coin i just i

i just do it on a hunch i and because i want all my clothes to be you know coordinated obviously while i'm away so i've got two basic branches to my wardrobe there's autumnal so then i pack all my brown screens and goldens and then there's what I call secret police, which is my blacks, grays and blues. And I'll even pick sunglasses. I've got sunglasses with a brown lens and some with a blue. So

it's all very carefully planned out. I'll see how it goes. That's like pre-packing. Yeah. Pre-packing. Well, pre-packing, What other kind of packing is there? I tend to pack after my holiday. You've arranged your wardrobe so it's easy to pack. I just choose it.

I know what goes with what and I stick with that. My other method I've developed, this is a new thing but it's worked very well for me over the last 18 months, is what I would call, I take clothes, I deliberately take clothes and footwear

in the sort of twilight of their usefulness. I know what you mean. So if I've got shoes that are, I don't know if shoes can be on their last legs, but if shoes are on the way or things I think, oh, I don't know, you know, that hole is getting a bit too big, I'll wear it knowing that I'm not going to bring it back. Like a sort of victory.

Yeah. You know the kangaroos' graveyard on Kangaroo Island, just off the coast of Adelaide, where they go and they die? It's like that. So I know I'm always coming back with a lighter load, and that's someone to look forward to, I think. Well, Frank, I can't wait to have a little route through your wardrobe. Got a Kwan style.

I'm taking a little route. Matt and Drake, I think, which I find just freshens me up in the morning. So, look, if you want more of this, then you can download Not The Weekend podcast, available from Wednesday morning, actually Tuesday night, but I've got to follow the official line. And Laura will be joining us for the podcast

when we're in Edinburgh. The cockerel will come, he'll be back on the fence. And that'll be lovely. End of line. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank... Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio.