The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Peter The Wild

Episode Date: March 26, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about Frank's new look, posters they had on their wall as youths and Peter The Wild.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Bit of tambourine on the end there.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth this morning, just, you know, mix and match. Morning. Morning. And, yeah, I got sent a T-shirt by a shop called Pretty Green. Are you familiar? Oh, yes, I've been in that shop with you. Yes, owned by Liam Gallagher.

Yeah, Liam Gallagher's shop, yes. And the symbol they've adopted is the tambourine. You know he plays what I would call a crescent tambourine? Yes. Not completely circular. And that's what they're using to symbolise him. So it's a T-shirt with a big tambourine on it. I'm not sure.

I mean, it's a brave campaign to make the tambourine some sort of sexy, iconic thing. But, you know, there'll always be a hint of the Salvation Army to me. You can make it as crescent as you like. Slash Eurovision, I find. Do you think? Very much so, yeah. I always associate it with um

musician with non-musicians doing music it's something like what what am i supposed to do no but what i liked about liam is that he doesn't do anything during the solo bits he does that thing sometimes he really stares at the audience yeah i love that i love it i love that he never dances and stuff he just wanders about but the tambourine someone walking around in a tambourine t-shirt I'm glad they're looking after you though, love a freebie

I think it's a tambourine dream they're having that's what I think, that's what we're saying here on Absolute Radio this Saturday morning with Frank Skinner you can text us on 8-12-15 if you've got any tambourine-based trivia.

Or anything you want to talk about at all. Do you think there's any kind of skill? Sometimes people do get a... And it looks like they really know what they're doing with it. But, you know, I don't know. Could you have lessons in it?

Could I major in tambourine at the Royal College of Music? Why not? I suppose you could. Can you play melodies on a tambourine? Why are you asking us that with a tambourine expert? We don't know. You look like you might be. You look like you might have tambourine experience.

I don't mean that in a bad way. I think it depends on the melody. If all the notes are the sound a tambourine makes, then you could. What you've done, you've stripped it down to the bare bones. It's percussion more than a thing to do. Anyway, let's not over-tambourine the pudding. No. That's what I always say. That would be fatal.

We have a guest in the studio this morning. Sandy Mason. Sandy Mason is here. I call her my mother-in-law. I'm not married but she's my girlfriend's mother. Yeah, I'm married. We jumped over a brush in 2004 and in

our family that means eternal wedlock. Yeah, we couldn't afford the rings. Simple as that. I'm thinking now maybe we could break a couple couple of the small symbols from a tambourine and hollow those out but uh so sandy's here this morning sandy who is i like to i don't like to travel anywhere nowadays without an old age pensioner because um i need what what i would

call a homemade jam dealer yeah so i'm getting my fix on a regular basis. And I moved on to Gooseberry just like that. You can't just walk into any shop and get a Gooseberry jam. That's got to be ordered. She's looking stylish in her Jedi chic. That's what she goes for. That is Sandy's look. But it's lovely to have Sandy.

She emanates warmth and love. And that's the great thing about my mother-in-law, Sandy Mason. I say she... Can I say, Sandy? well, not to Sandy, but to the world, that before I left the house last night, she cooked me a lovely piece of salmon. Did she? Oh! Oh! Absolutely.

Seasoned? Fell off the bone. It was lovely. Yeah, although I associate Sandy with calmness. Is that fair to say, Sandy? Oh, yes. Yeah, she's very laid back and chilled out. Oh, she's very laid back.

She has the hippiness about her. But last night, I thought I'd have an early night. I've had a very busy week. Your show was on last night that we're not allowed to talk about. You know, I never use this show, which I regard as the holy grail, night that we're not allowed to talk about you know i never use this show which i regard as the holy grail to to as some sort of commercial vehicle to advertise my other work my secondary work but that's why you probably went to bed i said well that's it i went to bed quite early and i thought i just want to relax i just want to completely chill not have anything to worry about

so i'll switch my phone because i always think you can answer an email check your emails or your texts last thing at night you get one thing that'll worry you and keep you awake so I think I don't want to know but then I got a text from Sandy bear in mind I've got to get up the next morning at six o'clock you know so I thought oh this this will be some you know good luck tomorrow sleep well darling something like that so I opened it said don't forget that the clocks go forward. I thought, what? Oh, no, I haven't, oh, and I went into a complete panic.

I had to get up, check the computer, I had to get out of bed, put the computer on, because it was rubbish. Oh, Sandra. God, I'd tell her if it wasn't for that gooseberry jam, she'd have been out on her ear. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, someone 446.

Can I just say, sorry, before we go on, but I did that thing which is a cardinal sin. I played one of my song choices and didn't say what it was called. I always imagine the people obviously are scribbling the titles down furiously so they can race out to our price after and get a disc. So that first track I played, the one that sounded like sunshine squeezing through the speakers, it was Arthur's and the Martha's with a song called Sally Started It All.

There you go. Emma in Derbyshire will be pleased, because she did pick you up on that, actually. Did she? Yeah. 446, hello, Frank. Watched your show last night. It was good.

If you have Botox, you look younger than you used to. Well, that, um, no. Oh, you went slightly silent there. For a second, I thought you said buttocks. Do you have buttocks? You look slightly shorter on that seat than you used to. No, I had the buttocks removed. I like to just pirouette on the coccyx.

Pirouette on the coccyx, a novel by Beryl Bainbridge. I recommend go to your shops now. I don't know if they'll have it at out of price. What do you think? They might have it at Books Etc. Yeah. You never know. Yeah, well, yeah, I hate to...

Yes, I haven't had Botox. I haven't had any kind of... As you know, I had some veins took out my nose a few months ago. They came back again. They came back, I'd say, with a vengeance. It looks like two screens of a sat-nav either side of my nose. I think on the left nostril,

I have the Hanger Lane gyratory. And on the right it's where the A314 meets the A40. Who needs that in their life? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question. That's this morning's phone in. Who needs that in their... No, it isn't. That would be a ridiculous phone in and I won't have any more said about it. No. What else? Well... Oh, yeah, putting the clocks back. Oh, yeah, go on. this phone in and I won't have any more said about it. What else? Oh yeah, putting the clocks back.

Or is it forward? It's forward. You leap forward into spring and you fall backward. Yeah. Is that it? You fall backwards because you're going into fall. Autumn. You spring forward. Clocks go forward tonight in case anyone's

confused. I don't want to mess that up. And that's a big moment in our house. Oh, is it? I'll tell you for a while, because where I live, you can see Big Ben from where I live. Big Ben is the... Yes, we know what Big Ben is.

No, no, he's the personal trainer that lives in Flat 17. I don't think he has curtains. By glory, he's fabulous. By glories, fabulous. Is that Ben Alfido who goes out with Vanessa Feltz? It could be. He's just one of my favourite celebrities. You know, I once said to Mr Motivator, do you still go out with Vanessa Feltz?

So many wrong things went on there. I felt I had to be scourged. I had to spend two weeks in medieval France being scourged by monks. And I don't know if you've ever tried buying a ticket to medieval France being scourged by monks. And I don't know if you've ever tried buying a ticket to medieval France at Thomas Cook's. It's almost impossible. But the thing is, you can see Big Ben.

You can't see Big Ben, obviously, because before someone texts him, Big Ben is the bell, not the clock. But you can see the clock on that tower from our flat. And what they do, they never let you see that moment when it goes forward or back. I think they think it might startle someone if they saw the hand suddenly... So what do they do then? It goes completely dark, the clock. It does, eh?

Yeah. If you go past Big Ben tonight, it'll be totally, totally dark. Ah. Try the Absolute Radio's Ben cam at about 2am in a.m that's ben jones's bedroom yeah of course yeah i think i think that goes completely dark as well at two o'clock let's hope so yeah frank yes can we discuss your attire today meaning well it's quite it's just a bit a bit of a different direction for you you've been sporting what i've been calling it's quite, it's just a bit of a different direction for you. You've been sporting what I've been calling, it's a sort of 1960 sociology professor at Redbrick University chic.

Yes, that's what I've been up with. A tweed jacket. Yeah, loving it. Before today, you mean. Yeah, prior to today. Thank you, Gareth. And today, it's all gone a bit New Kids on the Block. Oh, have I made that mistake?

Have I made that mistake? Have I made that middle-aged crisis? A hoodie with a zip. Yeah. Hoodie with a zip. What else? A hoodie with a zip. I know, I know.

Yes, I'm wearing a black hoodie this morning. And it's a whole hoodie adventure I've been on this last week. No, really. You know, I'm on a quest to find out what I'm too old to wear. I think we just met. Bingo! I put the hood up the other night, which is a real mistake at my age.

I put the hood up and pulled the string tight. I look like... If you can imagine Dot Cotton on South Park. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. There's no other way. Blur. There's always another way. Of course there is.

We've had a text in from... I think that was Tony Blur who said there was no other way. Anyway, carry on. Rachel, age nine, has texted in saying, Hi, Frank. Using Dad's phone, he doesn't know I've pinched it. It is his birthday. Can you give him a mention on the radio? He actually says menion, which I rather like.

I'm going to give him a menion this time of the morning. I might be able to find him an onion. I'll have a look in the kitchen at Tia. I think the OC, he likes a... Or is it... I think he likes a scallion. It's of the Onion family. And, yeah, what does Rachel have to say? She said, always listening to you, he is 46.

46? Hmm. Hasn't included a name. I'm glad he can still hear. She hasn't said his name, though, so... Oh, we don't know his name? No. Well, happy birthday, Dad.

Who's 46? You're 46 today. You must be very proud of little Rachel. Already stealing phones. I look forward to seeing her on series 11 of Jamie's Dream School. Maybe you could lend her your hoodie, Frank.

Oh, the hoodie. So anyway. What are we going to do about the hoodie? What I did is I went into I'll name the shop. I went into this is quite a youth shop. It's called American Apparel. Now is I went into, I'll name the shop I went into. This is quite a youth shop. It's called American Apparel. Now, I went in there. Oh.

Now, I thought it was like. Well, you say that. I thought everything in there looked very reminiscent of, I'm not saying it isn't lovely stuff, but on first glance, it looked like Primark. So I thought, I'll get, you know, 900 tops. Yeah. With what? You know, tenor? Yeah. And, no. Oh, no. Oh, no way. it looked like primark yeah so i thought i'll get you know nine hooded tops yeah but what you know

tenor yeah and uh no no no no way no way jose or no way jose for some reason with marino i don't know why that for years to get us to say hose and suddenly it's jose again jose and the cuts Joe say again? Joe say on the pussycats, that's what I say. Anyway, so I bought a red hooded top. You bought a red hooded top? Yeah, I know, I know. I have quite, I've been... For comic relief? No, I was followed by Donald Sutherland for about two days, innit? You were in a nasty shock when you turned round.

He did, he did, yeah. He was expecting the dwarf. But it was even worse. So, um... Yeah, how many people got that, I wondered, about this? Anyway, you don't need to get everything. Just enjoy the word, the tones. Exactly.

Yeah. I like to think I could just whistle and it would be funny on a good day one redded one red one red hoodie you had so that was all you had at this stage no then i thought i i don't like if i tried it on the mirror and i must say i thought this is me i'm of an age now where i buy clothes where i think these could last me feasible the rest of my life. So maybe I'll just wear hooded tops forever. So I bought a green one as well. Red and green?

Red and green. A creepy Christmas elf. I wasn't thinking Christmas, but now you've come to mention it. Asbo elf. Yeah, so anyway, a lot of people, well, actually a lot of people, Kath and Rachel, who, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but my girlfriend's sister is staying with us at the moment. And I don't know where Sandy Mason comes into this.

She sort of represents a sort of composite of George and Mildred. Anyway, they were both saying to me, oh, you look great in that red top. Really? So I thought, so this week, I was hard at it, and I thought, I'll have a bit of retail therapy. I went back to AA, and I never thought I'd go back to AA. I've had my hand on the receiver before now, close. But anyway, I went to the AA, and there wasn't a very nice man, actually.

There was a very, I thought, quite sullen assistant. Well, yeah, that's not untypical. Let's leave it there. Well, I said I'd like... I don't shop there because I feel a bit old for that shop. Well, you are a bit old. Don't say that. I had heard of it before, but I honestly thought it was a kind...

Why don't you call me at times like this? So did you... Is this where the black hoodie comes into? Yeah, I went and I bought a black and a brown oh some strange i suppose monk now exactly that's a very bloke thing i know exactly that impulse that when you find something you like just buy as many as you can because they might stop doing them well when i went into this this other branch that i said have you got this i bought some hooded tops they have several colors blah blah and she said no and i said when i bought them from from this, she said, no, we don't, we don't sell them. And I said, well, I can't work that out.

I'll have to go back. So as I was, another woman said, oh, can I help you? And I said, yeah, I was just asking about hooded tops. She said, oh, there they are over there. And I thought, how could that have happened? She was like 10 feet away, this silly girl she's got other things she's also in a band people who work in that shop are also in a band she's not in a band she's in a website group at a local clinic being helped through a stupid life maybe she was trying to discreetly

give you fashion advice well that's true i out there, I'm leaving it there. That is true. She did have a Help the Agent badge. Now I look back. What do you mean hoodie? There's no such thing as a hoodie. I've never heard of it. No, maybe you're right, actually.

I've done a... I remember I went into a shop once. The assistant came over to me and went, Yes, mate. And I just turned around and walked out. I don't come into a shop like this to be called mate. By the... Yes, it was a difficult time in my life i think i had um head cold frank my dad's name is eddie from rachel age nine oh rachel thank god dad is smiling oh okay eddie yeah that's a great name for a dad isn't it

just i wish i could play just Like Eddie by Heinz Burt, but we don't have it on the playlist. No. But I'll give you a little bit. Whenever I'm sad, whenever I'm blue, whenever my troubles are, I hope you're dancing to this, Eddie. Sling my guitar under the stars. Everybody, Just Like Eddie.

I say everybody, but it didn't happen. Frank on radio. Frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio oh i love that that is um yeah i do it's made me feel all them tingy that was conan moccasin with forever dolphin love and if there's any dolphins listening Frank we've had a text in regarding hoodies this is from Phil in Mablethorpe Frank Gareth and Emily

isn't that the gay New York photographer that's what I thought Robert Mapplethorpe Frank Gareth and Emily there's no shame in Frank having a hoodie. I've got two. One's blue with the Superman logo on it and I'm 40. Right, that is a little bit of a problem, I think. Oh, come on, that's lovely. I love the fact that he's got a Superman top but with a hoodie.

The idea that Superman might have a hint of criminal element about him. No, I think it's that bad. People are so judgmental. I find that somewhat something of a deal-breaker. Oh, well, you are strict. You work in the fashion industry, obviously, so it's difficult. On the subject of menswear, Frank, did you hear that Sylvester Stallone is finally launching his own fashion line?

It's true. Finally, like we've been waiting for ages. Yeah, I'm constantly checking the internet. When is Sly Stallone going to get those slacks on the market? Well, funnily enough, he's 64 now. He said, I thought the time is now. No, I beg to differ. I don't think the time is now.

I think it might have been about 40 years ago. Oh, harsh. He's got some interesting things to say, though. Did you read what he was saying? He said, I really believe I have an understanding of the male psyche on all levels. Yeah. And then he says... I wouldn't dispute that, actually, with Sly Stallone.

He also says, I want to expose people to things that will work, and this is the apropos time, which is my favourite quote. That's very good. He doesn't know what apropos means. I don't know about you, but I love being exposed to things that work. That's what I did like about the assistant in American Apparel. Do we have a little preview of what Sly's going to be putting out? The thing is with Sly, will he model them on stuff he'd wear?

Is that how people do a menswear? Because Sly is the most squat man now in the world. He is literally as wide as he is tall. It's phenomenal. His clothes, they're going to be like, this will be the sandwich board range. Because everything is like he's going to be the only bloke ever to manufacture manufacture socks with pockets he's he's a square he's just

a square he's like a mr man he said it will comprise jean shirts and outerwear oh okay now outerwear excites me can i tell you why what is outerwear i Oh, OK. Now, outerwear excites me. Can I tell you why? What is outerwear? I'm thinking Planet Hollywood jackets, maybe. Oh, I've still got my leather. I've got the leather. You have, haven't you? I have. Oh.

Planet Hollywood London in... It's embossed. Yeah. And I imagine... Can I just enjoy that? I don't think I've said the word embossed for maybe seven or eight years. I imagine under the category outerwear comes,

you know, the boxing dressing gowns with the hoods. Oh, yeah. They wear that on the outside. Yeah. One of the things he said... I did it for you, Adrian. He says... I did it for you, Adrian.

He says... That's my Christine Blakely impression, in case you didn't recognise it. Oh. Yeah, I don't know if I quite got the accent. I did it... I did it for you! No, I'll work on it, I'll workshop it later.

Sorry. He said, clothing is the first step to building a character. No, I think Walt Disney said that. Yeah. Yeah, once you've got the dwarf outfit, the faces, they just... They more or less draw themselves. I had this conversation with Walt.

It was post... He'd been dead four years, but I don't know if you know he's cryogenically preserved. And I just took a blowtorch round and just got the mouth exposed, and we chatted for 45 minutes about the history of animation. He was all right. I mean, I took the moustache completely off. That was an accident.

That'll grow back. It carries on growing, I think. Does it, after death? What, all moustaches or just Walt Disney's? All of them. I don't know if this was a real one. I think it was etched. The final thing that Sly says of the collection is, the line will offer looks for the rebel and the gentleman. And I like

to think in some way that sums up your fashion sense frank the rebel and the gentleman yeah yeah there's an element of that with your hoodie um fisherman as well i thought fisherman into fish well well with your wax jacket on fisherman and um also a choreographer i think frank looks like sort of a ballet choreographer maybe a new age practitioner. I wish, if I could just play YMCA now and just say nothing. I don't have, I don't have, people think I have every record in the world at my fingertips. That's not the case.

If you work for Absolute, you've basically got Adele and Elbow to choose from. And, you know, I have to make do and mend. We only have this picture. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Did you see, well, there's an exhibition of posters. That's it. And it was in the papers.

And you remember the poster? Oh, in Birmingham, is it? Yes, in Birmingham. Do you remember? Because you know what poster was taken in Birmingham? There was a poster that was taken in Birmingham that surprised me. Yeah, I was surprised. I read that.

I never knew I read that this week. Yeah, the poster the poster of you know the girl on the tennis court that that picture with the booty she's um with the booty you see i also thought that was a man that was no but there was an urban myth well i now know it was never myth when i was a student everyone said that was a man or sue barker that was the myth and then also also Barker. Yeah. It's a very fine name. No, she's called, um, what's her first name? Fiona Walker. Yeah. And she's now a

52-year-old freelance illustrator. In a way, we all are. Drawing. Yeah, I, um, it was a poster that never really grabbed me as a young man. It should have done. It was very much my period. But I think it was, I tell you what it was, it set up an anxiety in me.

Not because of the bare bottom or the fact that she was sans panty. Oh, I hate panty. Yeah. But there was lots of tennis balls on the floor, if you remember. And I spent the whole time thinking, oh God, at any second she's going to turn an ankle.

And that was... You know when you're standing on... Oh, that. That's what I'm waiting for. And who cares then whether there's pants or no pants when you're on the floor with a tendon gone? Well, she will if, you know... Need some protection if you're going to fall over.

Well, I think you're right. I think it was a grass court, looking back. Was it? Maybe it was gravel. Gravel court? Not gravel. What do they call them? Grits or something.

I'm no tennis fan, for goodness sake. I'll tell you what people always had at university. Well, actually, do you remember those... Do you want to tell us what people always had at university? I'll tell you exactly what they always had. When you were at university, it was probably a briar pipe. I wouldn't be surprised. How dare you?

Have I gone a little too far far i don't know what that is what happened well um there were those posters with someone sinking to his knees with why do you remember those they were like anti-war posters yeah don't you remember those it was why in big letters you were sandy war posters i had a sandy war poster on my wall. I hadn't even met her at that stage. I had many of the radio news readers. I didn't. I tell you what, I'd like to know what our listeners had on their wall

in their youth. You know, ones that you look back on and think, ooh, why did I do that? I'd love to hear from. On 8-12-15 I'd like to hear that. I'd like to have that texted in. What I've done is I've set up an official phone in at last. We've spent the whole morning talking about the hooded top. And the hooded top, you see, which is, I don't know if you know, is one of Batman's biggest enemies.

Yeah. The hooded, I believe the hooded top is at large, Robin. It'd be a great name, wouldn't it, for a bad day, the hooded top? Brilliant. I mean, especially in broken Britain. And we've had a lot of fellow hoodie wearers texting in as well. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Just saying, they're with you, Frank. Michael. Frank, my wife bought me a very cool black hoodie for my 49th birthday a couple of weeks ago. We must tell the fashion fascists to kiss our... Oh, and then he gets a bit rude. Oh, he gets a bit... I'm thinking, is he thinking of you when he says the fashion fascists? I do hope so. It's not easy. It's a bit red leather, yellow leather.

Just to say. What brought Brit prop down? No, I still can't say it. Can I say that when I was a young man, I had... I don't know, one night, I was in a public house and somebody had... I think it was

Looking magazine. Do you remember looking yes i do and in this center page there's a picture of uh joanna lomley and um i was always a big fan of um of joanna lomley i've always thought at the time i thought she was the most beautiful i mean i'm i know what you're thinking i'm not a Gurkha. There was just something about her. There's a bit of Gurkha in the family. But anyway, I haven't gone all day. So I got this picture and I took it. I was drunk.

I went home and I was still living at home. And I said to my mum and dad, I remember, I've got, look at this, most beautiful woman in the world. I'm going to put this on. I think it was the moment when my parents thought, oh, maybe he's heterosexual. Right? He didn't go for the tennis poster, but... No, we tried that, yeah.

We put that up and he drew pants on it. But, um, so I had that on the wall. I brushed out the balls. It looks, um... Oh. Camera. Oh, yeah, that was, it looks, it looks, um... Oh. Oh. Camera. Oh, yeah,

that was an urban myth, wasn't it? Oh, camera. I'm just talking through this like it never happened. Just carry on. You know when people do that, like you just never... Keep calm and carry on.

Yeah, um, and, uh, it wasn't even, I mean, her golden age was when she was purdy. I mean, when she was purdy, she was, you remember,

she looked like a very beautiful, with her hair, like a very beautiful acorn, she looked. But this was sapphire and steel period, where, you know, she didn't, but I must have had her on the wall for two years. Did you? What did our Keith have to say about that? Because he shared living quarters with you. He had some room to talk with his Bloodwind Pig posters.

That's what Keith had on the wall. Do you remember? You may not know Bloodwind Pig. Are they a band? Were they a band? But they were terrifying. When I was a child, he had Bloodwind Pig. They were the scariest looking...

They looked like if Charles Manson had had a door policy, Bloodwind Pig would not have got in. That was the kind of people they were. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute. pig would not have got in that was the kind of people they were my favorite game cardigans no that isn't i wasn't we weren't just sitting so much we wouldn't got? We weren't like, Gareth said Monopoly, you said Cluedo, and I said, mine is cardigans. Yeah, but you couldn't afford board games when you were a kid, so you had to play with Keith's cardigans, maybe, I thought. Keith never had a cardigan in his life.

I don't think any Bloodwing Pig fans ever, ever wore cardigans. Who I've just looked up and Googled, and FYI, they're terrifying. I told you. Imagine sleeping underneath them, and FYI, they're terrifying. I told you. Imagine sleeping underneath them as a small child, as it were. I should explain that they were a poster. I shared a bedroom with our Keith. There was a time in my very early days, I

shared a bedroom with our Keith and our Terry. The three of us. I didn't know our Terry was involved as well. Yeah, well there was a time it was Terry in a single and me and Keith in a double. And then I think my dad had a horse racing win and we got bonks.

Oh. That was money well spent. It was. I tell you what I love best about bonks. I love going to bed in a way that involved ladders. Do you mean bunk beds? You're not trying to say banks in a Birmingham accent. No, but bunk. I have trouble. I know there's people at home saying,

he had one in his house? He had banks in his house? I'm imagining we listen to a lot of elderly American Dowagers. I'm saying Dowagers. I don't know what it means, but the American Dowager is something I've read about quite a lot. What is a Dowager? Is it a rich person?

Dowager. Is it Dowager? What does it mean? No, I think it's someone, yeah, like a... You must know, Gareth, if you know the pronunciation. In The Simpsons, there is a... That's where he gets all his references. Yeah. The Crusty the Clown throws a custard pie to wealthy Dowager.

Oh, OK. I thought it was like a widow. An elderly lady, yeah, an older rich lady. Look. You know I love the vocabulary-expanding elements of this show. I love it. I love it. Maybe see if you can use it today.

Franklin. Yes. We've had some texts in regarding posters people had at school. Ah, marvellous. When they're in their school days. We were asking what posters you had on your wall, which you now look back on with some regret. This comes from the woman who was the bare-bottomed tennis star.

I just imagine some people join us at nine o'clock in a very systematic way. Some people come in at eight, but they will not join us midway through the hour. They like to come in on the... Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Matt in Stansted. I had Lewis Collins from The Professionals holding a cocked shotgun on my wall.

I love that, Matt. It got me in the zone for school each morning. Oh, Lewis Collins. I think I saw him play Elvis once in Birmingham. I was in The Professionals, but that's another story. Appalling. The Express and Star. Ruthie texted in morning guys i had wall

to wall michael jackson and on the ceiling michael prayed as robin of sherwood oh michael fiend room it was mcintyre would have cleaned up in this issue yeah and the 3d michael heseltine poster with the the eyebrows as shelving. That would have been brilliant. I can't hear the word Michael Prayed without hearing somewhere in the distance, Enya. Robin. The hooded man. Was he the hooded man?

Yeah. No, I'm the hooded man nowadays. There's a new hooded man in town. Frankie, the hooded man. We've had another... I just know, by the way, that when i get in that my girlfriend kath will say to me oh i prefer the red one there's going to be a lot of hooded top comparison going on over the next few months so if you own four hooded tops everyone's gonna have a favorite you know what i'm saying yeah you know what i'm talking about yeah not me so you know what i'm talking about

stop assuming the character of someone who would wear a hoodie, just because you've got a hoodie on. Darren in Hampshire, hi, Frank, on my wall, I had a poster of Wurzel Gummidge next to a poster of Suzy Quatro. They had similar hairstyles. That's brilliant. Oh, me little Aunt Sally. How random.

And we also had Mark from Middlesbrough. I knew a girl at uni who had the Athena poster of the man holding the baby. Remember that one? Oh, yeah. Both naked. Was that their birthday? But she'd drawn a thought... He had jeans on, the man.

Yeah, he had jeans. She'd drawn a thought bubble out of the baby's head with the words, You're not my dad. I like that. Oh, she's spied up the whole view. That woman who was the tennis girl, it said she never made a penny from that. There's always people in the paper, iconic people who never made a penny from that. I mean, I scratched my left buttock in 1976.

No one paid me. Get over it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was the fall with There's a Ghost in My House, the cover of the R. Dean Taylor original. When I say R. Dean Taylor, he's not a family member. It's not like R. Keith, R. Terry and R. Dean Taylor. R. Dean Taylor was in the other bunk.

He was called R. The first name was probably Reginald. Yeah, I get it. Frank, text from 207. Hi, Frank, quick question. A text from 207? Well, if they won't give their name... No, if they won't give their names,

they're bringing on themselves. What do WeBuyAnyCar.com do with all the cars they buy? Thanks, we were just wondering. That's a good... I mean, would they literally buy any car? You know when you see a burnt-out car on waste ground? Would they buy that? Presumably.

They say any. That's still a car, isn't it? Yeah. The answer is yes. I think we should try them. Perhaps we can have our listeners find out who's got the most use. I mean, something that's not even recyclable. A car

that's just a waste of space. And let's see what we buy any cars make up. But they could say 1p, couldn't they? Toy cars as well. Any car they buy. Any car. Jimmy car? Jimmy and Alan, you get a good price for that.

Yeah, I think there's a pair. You could breed if you bought the pair. Yeah. Well, anyway, there'll be someone listening from... Yeah. Are they called We Buy Any Car? That's the name of the company. So somewhere there's a building and over the top there's a neon sign that says we buy any car, ink.

Anyway, we're doing a bit of advertising here. What's happened is the soft mint lots have deserted us. We're scratching around trying to get trade. Has it really come to this? Anyway, look, there's no question what's the big story of the week. Peter the Wild. Peter the Wild. You probably know more about this than i do it he was owned by him i said it i went straight and he was owned by george the first he was um have you got we got we got the story you've got the story yeah yes what what who was peter the wild briefly? Peter the Wild was a child they found in the woods.

He was a child savage. Yes, he was a child savage. Oh, I love a child savage. They found him in the... They recur in the news, but they're thin on the ground. Yeah. And nowadays they're always in cobbots. Because they do a lot of running.

But this guy, he was in a forest. He was like... I imagine he looked like one of the Sylvanian families figures. He had a big head of hair. Did he? They've got a picture of him because they have found a painting of him. And he looks a little bit like James Harris. Oh, James Harris, the boy who did the antiques thing. My old, my

adversary of old. My former nemesis. Yeah, because I was on a Terry Wogan show and he was only about ten, I think, James Harris. But he was haughty in the extreme. Very haughty. He had a little Lord Fauntleroy element to him. He was almost

hoity, wasn't he? Yeah, all he needed was the blue velvet catsuit. I know it collects the bits, but it does lovely things with the light. Well, Peter the Wild looks a bit like him and a bit like an ex-boyfriend of mine, who you both know. Yes, but we can't possibly name.

No, we can't say. He was quite a well-known celebrity. I'm not going to name, I'm not going to give any hints. Lou Reed? No, he wasn't an ex-boyfriend of mine. No, I mean, no, he looks a bit In a way, it's a terrible phrase, isn't it? Charles Savage, or the pet

No, the fact that he was I'll just read it there He was known for his refreshing lack of ceremony Does that mean he went to the bathroom on the dining table? I think it's that kind of thing But I love the idea. Make a great catchphrase, wouldn't it? Yeah.

I know what you're thinking. You're all commenting on my refreshing lack of ceremony. I can imagine it. Well, Frank, he wouldn't have said that because he couldn't speak very much. He could say Peter and he could say George. But they put a little leather collar on him. Was he allowed to call King George I George? Yes, he loved

him. He was his pet. He absolutely loved him. The leather collar, that's wrong. Isn't that wrong? He was very happy. He lived to an old age. He was very happy and cool. On a lead, he was happy. They didn't even have the extendables in those days. He was, you know, he was constantly under your feet. You know when they go under your feet, they

the dogs think. He got to become a celebrity. There was a figure of him in the local wax works was there yeah something with the royal family i don't know i was at clarence house the other bit because you may remember with prince charles and he was using uh linda lussardi as a piano stool he played quite beautifully actually but she was neat she was kneeling side-on with her legs at the bass end of the keyboard. And he sat on her, and she's just in her bra and pants. And he played the theme tune from Pop Black, you know. But when he went to the big bass, he leaned across,

and I could sense the pressure on the spinal cord. She was trembling at the forearm. I thought, if Linda collapses, she'll be out of favour at the court. Thank God she held on. I saw her later, still in the bra and pants. You could see the marks of a cavalry twill on her back, where he twisted as he played. There's something about the royals and the way they want to use people.

I just don't get it. He seemed a nice bloke in every other respect. Still, Linda's glad of the work. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Fire Kasabian? Hmm. Talking of fire...

I imagine that's the sort of thing George I said about someone who stood on Wild Peter. Peter the Wild. Was he called Peter the Wild? Oh, sorry. Wild Peter sounds like a flower. P-T-W. That's what everyone called him.

P the W, they called him for sure. Yeah, P the W. P-T-W. That's what everyone called him. P-the-W, they called him for sure. Yeah, P-the-W. Yeah. And he did. Frank, guess what? I've done something very silly. Oh. Well, I'm going to Morocco tomorrow, which isn't silly.

Look if you need money. No, I certainly don't. It's one thing I don't need. I knew that. I wouldn't have said it. I'm going to Morocco tomorrow. Oh, I'm off on the road to Morocco. Have you ever seen The Road to Morocco?

Yes, I have. There's a marvellous line in that song. It says, like Webster's Dictionary, we're Morocco bound. Fantastic. It's one of my favourites. I love it, friend. Marvellous. So, yeah.

So, I'll be... Oh, I hope I'm turning the right way on that plane. Well, I mean the left. That's where I want to be turning. Heads will roll. Are you... Is it a work? Yes.

It's for InStyle. I'm going. InStyle? They're doing a feature on fezzes. It's the length... I don't know what length the fringe is this summer. They're so hot right now. Some people, it's almost over the rim of the red, the full hat.

Whatever you call it, the cone. The flattened cone. It goes over the edge of the flattened cone. I like one that just creeps over the top of the ear. Do you? Yeah. I'm rocking the Tommy Cooper vibe, I think. So that's all well and good.

Oh, it's lovely. Five-star hotel, loving it. Oh, well, what a life you lead. Oh, Andrew Strauss is over there. It's not relevant. Well, except, Frank, then I just... Frank, Gareth, I'm telling an anecdote. Don't just start looking at the telly.

So I agreed to do something. I've agreed to go on a trip in a hot air balloon. Why have I done that? That's all right, isn't it? That's not all right! I've got vertigo. I'm going to be crouching in a basket. Funny I had you two's vertigo. There's got to be a way that I can have every...

It terrifies me, because do you remember we were meant to go in a balloon once, you and I? Oh, I remember it, yeah. It terrifies me because do you remember we were meant to go in a balloon once you and I? Oh I remember it, yeah. Well I wasn't allowed because at the time I was mid-series and I had what I believe was called key man insurance. And the idea is if I died

several thousand people were thrown out of work so I wasn't allowed to. Also I would be. Because no one else had the keys is that why it was good i don't know i don't know the uh the answer to that but um what would put i've never been in a hot air balloon what would put me off it's almost as if it represents heaven and hell because when it's when you're up there i imagine it's blissfully quiet. Not when I'm up there, it won't be. Just imagine you're there and it's a blue sky. There's birds flying actually beneath you and you're looking across the land and it's awesome.

And then suddenly... That's what I don't like. And they have to do that now and again to keep it... One of the girls at InStyle said to me, why are you doing that? That's a bit of a medieval way to get around. Why don't you. Oh, fine. And they have to do that now and again to keep it... One of the girls at InStyle said to me, why are you doing that? That's a bit of a medieval way to get around. Why don't you get heli? Which I thought was good advice.

Yeah. But it'll be... I think you'll love it. Do you think so? I'm really scared. It all depends. I don't know if you... It was Laura's birthday yesterday

and we were going to do a balloon ride, but... Were you? Genuinely? You can have accidents. Oh. Well, that's great to send emily off with that i'm calling it an anecdote it's somebody but it only creeps onto the wire it was laura's birthday we were gonna go on a balloon ride we didn't yeah yeah it's not up there with beer wolf no as far as the tale goes. But you know partly why... You're frightening Emily even more now. Yeah, I'm terrified.

Yeah. What would put me off is the baskets. Are they still wicker? Yes. You see, I don't want my life to be dependent on anything that's been built as part of therapy. Why, prisoner? Yeah, well, prisoner, you know, and it's more mental, whatever.

But is that going to be sturdy at the floor? No, that's what's concerning me. Do you have to go on the balloon ride? No, but you know why I did it? Because I think you should do things that scare you. Yes. Eat the food. You've seen that in your boyfriend.

Exactly. But you should do things that scare you. Yes, that's right. I went on a holiday with Blood, Wind and Pig once. No, well, I agree with that. But sometimes I've done things that I thought would scare me. And I was quite right to be scared. I went on a whale watch boat once.

I was sick for two hours and 20 minutes. I mean, perpetually sick. And someone said, there's a whale, there's a whale. I only had to look up and look through a window and i said to hell with the whale it's stupid siphon head i hate the whale the whale has made me feel worse than i've ever felt in my life i would have um if i the only thing i could have eaten when i got back on land was whale out of spite. You're like, oh, man, that was horrible. I'm not saying for one second, of course, that the hot air balloon will be that.

I think it'll be fine. If you want to be scared, Em, I'll take you to Argoff. It'll be fine. Did he call you Em, then? That was a lovely moment, lovely familiar moment. A little bit too familiar. OK. Yes.

I like to do something that scares me every day. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I got stranded in Glasgow this week. Oh, dear. I'm liking it. It's a bit like I was lost in France with Lof.

Whatever it's called. I was lost. Was that Bonnie Tyler? Oh, it might well be. No, I met that bloke on the roof. With the tam-a-shanta. No, that was a poster of Wazzle Gummidge next to Suzy Quattro. Of course.

I had a gig. I was doing my show at the Comedy Festival on the Sunday. In Glasgow. Someone asked me to support them in their show on the Tuesday. Well, yeah, you double up. So I booked, yeah, so I booked, you know, hotels and like, um, and so on the Monday they phoned up and said the show on Tuesday was cancelled.

Wow. So I'm, I'm stuck there. Excuse. Nothing to do. It's a lovely place, Glasgow. Really? I was, um, I was telling... Don't alienate our Scottish listeners. Well, bits of Glasgow are lovely. Parts of it.

OK. I was staying in quite sort of a futuristic hotel where the rooms were... Was it a hover... Did the, um, hover tray for the room service... Frank, can I just say at this point, he says futuristic. This is a man who didn't get Sky until two months ago.

Oh, OK. His idea of futuristic is there's a kettle in the room yeah the key was plastic instead of one of those old vettlers it was actually like a credit card thing i've never seen anything like it before in my life and you just held it a light came on the damn thing opened it was on star trek yes so the futuristic hotel yes which and in the future how many cushions on the bed two big pillows that's good i think oh no not the pillows how many cushions no like no cushions the room that's apparently in the future the rooms are very small the room is as wide as the bed we'll be living in pods remember we'll only be a head and a spinal cord yeah that's what these places were they were pods like the room was only as wide as the bed wow and when you went in

and the duvet and the pillows were just piled up in the middle of the bed right to make the bed yourself so the room was just a bed yeah you're sure it wasn't just a very thick carpet no and then there was sort of a pod for the toilet and that, and it was all white. Was it? Yeah. I thought Michael Barrymore came in. Or what?

You had a remote control for the lights. You could change the colour of the lights. I'm liking it. And just a big blind. So everything's white, so you can change the colour if you want a blue room. Yeah, and the big blinds have got, you know, work on the road control as well. Well, you're telling what you're mowing about.

Sounds fantastic. But that was in contrast. I like that Sandy Mason's joining in. She went, yeah. Sandy Mason's joining in. Why not? This is what some of you might notice. We used to have guests on this show.

What we're doing here, we just have friends and they sit in Thode Corner up the corner and they speak from a distance and we like it better because we found the guests were interrupting yeah instead of just listening to us they won't stop talking just because they guess they get to have a saying stuff anyway yeah meanwhile back in the futuristic hotel so inside the hotel was a very much utopian picture of the future outside was more dystopian it was a mad max vibe was going on do you know what haircut is still popular in glasgow um the feather cut the mohawk a lot of men with with he's a taxi driver is that different from a mohican i think is the mohican sort of taller oh i don't know i't know. Do you still get Mohicans? I think we've seen the last of them.

We only have this except. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So I don't think there is any difference between the Mohawk and the Mohican. I think British people generally call it a Mohican. Oh, so the Mohawk is an American. Yeah. Okay.

But are they separate are they separate tribes um i don't look at me just because it's about native americans oh well i don't think we can go over that ground again i had my reservations the first time and some of them no but the the ones that people in glasgow Quite big men, but just a little bit of hair down the middle. Are you sure you're not talking a fin? Exactly, a hoxton fin. Definitely not a fin. No other hair apart from hair down the middle,

and sometimes dyed neon. Neon? Can you be dyed neon? Neon's not a colour, is it? I think you'll find it's a gas. It is a colour, and it's very hot right now. Neon- not a colour, is it? I think you'll find it's a gas. It is a colour and it's very hot right now. Neon is? What colour is it? It's a shade, it's like a fluoro...

It's a fluoro tone is what it is. It's a tone rather than an actual colour. What is its hue? What family would you put it in? Neon. The reds, the blues? No, because it could be anything. It could be pink, it could be blue.

Well, then it's not a colour. Exactly, it's a tone. Well, that was my point. No, it was. It was. I said it's not a colour and you said, no, it's a tone. You said it was a tone well that was my point it was a tone it was i said it's not a collar and you said no it's a tone you said it was a gas you make me vomit anyway more tales from glasgow so you had a good time in glasgow it sounds like were you were you pursued by these men or they were just they were just around just around i i scuttled away but the people of glasgow were

lovely that i got other gigs i did gigs because there were lots of gigs happening. You just went around like a gig will travel. Did you have a spotted handkerchief on a stick? No. I've been thinking just lately. I was approached by a homeless man recently. Oh, yeah. He was, I would say, borderline better dressed than I was.

And I thought, this is no good. Did you have the hoodie on? Yes. Anyway, I thought if one of the homelessness, if they had the spotted handkerchief on the stick, they would make an absolute killing. People love a bit of nostalgia. Anyway, that's another story. I think we've had

some texts about your... We have. Well, we have. Some reassuring, some not so much so. Oh. I'll read the reassuring one. Lisa Atkins from Walsall. Love her. I'm frightened of heights and when I was on holiday in Egypt, I went on a balloon trip over the Nile. I did it because my friend wanted to. At first, I was petrified.

Once we were up there, I loved it. Do it. Hold on a minute. Is she saying that first she was afraid, i was petrified once we were up there i loved it do it hold on a minute is she saying that first she was afraid she was petrified i think i've heard from this woman before but that's very nice to reassure you like she says you don't want to regret missing a trip of a lifetime i like that no that's exactly what peter doherty said to me once peter the Wild said that to me. Did he? Yeah. Yeah. On the other hand,

Karen has texted in, said, I went on a hot air balloon and the pilot forgot his two-way radio and we got lost. We came down on a campsite, squashing a tent. Luckily, the occupants were out.

A farmer also took pot shots at us. Oh, God! Yes, as we frightened his cows, as we passed over his land and caused a stampede. Love from Karen from Hove. I like the way it suddenly ends after a trial of destruction. Love from Karen.

Of course, they would have been startled by that. They hate that. I'm sure the gunshots would have helped. No, we're sorry. So, OK, should I do it then? Am I going to do it? Oh, you've got to do it. Because what you'll do, you'll be riddled with regret when you get back.

Oh, I don't want that. No, you'll get back and think, oh, how lovely it would have been. Okay. Is there any chance in style of trying to assassinate you? No. Okay. Yeah, give it a go. When's the last time you heard of a hot air balloon accident?

Never. Quite recently. Was it quite recently? Okay. the last time you heard of a hot air balloon accident then was it quite recently okay now come on the mongolfiays you know what i didn't have two my radios the mongolfiays they're not i just have to hope that no one else that no one famous is in that balloon with me i'm getting that headline oh yeah that's that's the problem is that likely though who's going to be with you on the instalment? I don't know.

Jean-Paul Gaultier? Oh, I'm not... Maybe it'll be a Jean-Paul Gaultier balloon, you know, in the shape of a lady with the perfume thing. Little bit of hoopage round the waist. That'd be a... What a way to go.

At least that'd be a lovely way to go. And imagine the smell of that air when it escapes. Fabulous. Anyway, if you have any sort of taste for this kind of nonsense, then why don't you listen to Not The Weekend podcast, which we put out on Wednesday mornings, completely separate from this show. It's a bit like a balloon debate.

That's what you should have when you're up there, a balloon debate. That'd be brilliant. Next is Martin Lee. Oh, I don't know Martin Martin but I'm looking forward to seeing him as I leave and he enters, do I know where Ben Jones is this week? No. Oh he's got the change of the clock hasn't he? Didn't we see how to lock

himself in a dark room? I can't remember what the circumstances are. He's on Ben Cam though, that's the good news. Oh he's on Ben Cam well I shall be watching him certainly. So thanks so much for listening and for all your texts and that. It's all smashing. And me and Gareth will certainly be back at the next show.

Whether it'll be a memorial edition, who can say? Anyway, good night. Thanks. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.