The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Practical Jokes

Episode Date: March 12, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about practical jokes,domestic life and waxing.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Softments. Absolute Radio. Welcome. Oh, God, I enjoyed that.

I feel like I've been cleansed. Sort of musical colonic irrigation. Actually, you're not the only one, Frank, because Rob Fellows says, great start to the show, I just smashed my kitchen up. Well, I feel great about that. Let's hope the family aren't cowering in the corner. Oh, when I was flying that, our producer Emma said,

oh, that's proper throttle. Oh, did she? She might have been talking about my rather prominent Adam's apple. She hangs out with truckers a lot, Frank. Yeah, she's got that look about her, the leather boots and all that. I mean leather boots in a rock and roll way. I don't mean nothing. Not those ones that come up like Jack Sparrow's,

like Sally James used to wear. Yeah, thigh-high waders. I don't like those. Ridiculous. So, anyway, welcome, and I'm with Emily and Gareth. Hi, Frank. And, yes, really picked me up. I should say, that was a random hand with Find What's Out There.

Random hand, which I think was Richard Key's nickname. That's quite a sport. Sounds like their guitar playing technique. Oh, does it, Mr. I Like Blur? Let's copy people that were around in the 60s. Yes. So, well, tremendous news this morning. I'm wearing a singlet.

Yeah? Yeah, I don't ever wear a singlet. Someone gave me one. I'm going to show you. Oh, unbothered, don't you? Yeah. I wore a cherub vest when I was about four, but I don't think I've worn one since then.

Why have you gone for the singlet? Well, I can't tell you. Something happened to me yesterday which left me a little sore. Me too. Me too, but anyway, on with the story. Let's not go into that. It's because you are a singlet. Singlet would be quite a nice name for someone who hasn't got a partner, wouldn't it?

It's done already. I love it. Isn't that clever? Okay, marvellous. Or unless Natalie Portman became a senior, well, of course, she'd be a signet. Oh. God, I'm absolutely on fire this morning.

Can you smell that? Oh, no, it's the control desk. Help. If you want to text us, we're on 8-12-15. We always are. And we have new listeners arriving every moment nowadays. Do we? Yeah, some of them hang around for, 12, 15. We always are. And we have new listeners arriving every moment nowadays. Do we? Yeah, some of them hang around for, what, three or four minutes?

Yeah. It's nice. That's quite long for me. So tell me about the singlet. Oh, don't put yourself down. Well, tell me about the singlet, though. Tell me more. Well, I can't tell you more now, so I'll have to give away what happened. I thought I was going to save it.

Okay. I mean, I'll tell you now if you like. Okay. Do you want to know? That's okay. Okay. Don't get sulky. Oh, I like the building suspense.

It's a teensy. So then people will think, oh, I want to hang around for that bit. Oh, why is Frank wearing that vest? Yeah. The crypt. I didn't say it was a vest. It was a singlet. A vest, I think, sounds a bit common.

Can you still get a string vest? Oh, very much so. Don't you? I mean, to be worn underneath rather than to be worn on Strictly Come Dancing. Oh, I see what you mean. No, they're more of a fashion look. They're not often worn under shirts these days,

but you're still doing it. I like you for that. Yeah, I don't. Oh, I don't like that. Big fashion news. String vests out. I don't know. I sort of associate them with violence at home.

Yes, I know what you're going to say, yeah. Anyway, let's brighten things up. Although I've had terrible news this morning. Poirot has been pulled. Oh, no. Poirot's been pulled. I'm going to write a sort of Bob Dylan. Poirot's been pulled.

Broken my heart. Poirot's been pulled. Broken my heart. Puerro's been pulled. I'm falling apart. I'm Mrs. Mustache and his accent's so fine. Puerro's been pulled and I'm losing my mind. Can you believe

I just made that up? You can. Many people can. People are not quibbling. If it was a different kind of show I'd want to give you a round of applause. I'm glad you didn't.

It was so good. I'm glad you didn't. It was so good. I'm glad for that. It just fell off me like windfall fruit falling from a tree. And some of it was a bit brown and squidgy, I think you'll have noticed. Now, I knew the lady, well, I still know the lady who did make-up for

David Soucher. Oh! How long does it take to put a false moustache on? Well, I think there was other stuff, but that was the main. She used to have to... That had, like, a special travelling case, like a flight case for Poirot's moustache. And she'd try it on him, you know, in his various... Try a few on him, I think.

There was a few of them. Like Skippy. I think there was 12 Skippys. They used to travel him in knotted sacks in the backs of vans. Cruel in those. You couldn't get away with it nowadays. They have to have two keepers for Burrow's moustache. But anyway,

you had to try a few on him and it was a sort of sushi and sea approach. And at the end of the last run, he gave her an enormous moustache. Like about four foot across. Horrible present.

No, but it was made out of card and he'd signed it and all that. Thank you for looking after my moustache. Very self-referential, isn't it? I think it's a beautiful story. Well, apparently he only speaks in a French accent, doesn't he, on set? I don't know how well he can speak French, so it's just the accent. Yeah. But if he goes to the catering truck, he says,

I will have the amandouille. I mean, you can't talk to him in a normal voice. Oh, no, I can't cope with that. No. That method stuff. No? No, I find that a bit... Frank, we've had quite a good text in.

Frank, if Natalie Portman wore a singlet, would it be a swan vesta? We've had quite a good text in. Frank, if Natalie Portman wore a singlet, would it be a swan vesta? You know, I love this crowd. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

I went out on Tuesday night. Oh, did you? Where did you go? I had a lovely night. I went to on Tuesday night. Oh, did you? Where did you go? I had a lovely night. I went to 17 Goff Square in the city of London, just off Fleet Street. Some of you may have heard of Fleet Street. It's associated with the newspaper business. Yeah.

And it's where Samuel Johnson, the great 18th century writer, used to live. It's where he actually wrote the dictionary that he's quite famous for. Nice house, isn't it? It's lovely, yeah, but you know, there's a lot of stairs. You know the 18th century, they didn't go across, they went up. No, they didn't have bungalows. No, not like some people

who aren't too far away from us, guys. Bungalow Bill over there. Yeah, bungalow. Have you received a bungalow, Bill? Yeah. Bungalow Bill over there. Yeah, Bungalow. Bungalow.

Have you received a Bungalow Bill yet? Bungalow Bill? What is he? A cowboy? Have you not heard of Bungalow? Hey, Bungalow Bill, what did you kill? Bungalow Bill. You haven't heard of that?

It's the Beatles. Is it the Beatles? Oh, right. He only likes blur. it was either the beatles or stan boardman you were guessing from that and what's the chance of it there'll be no board mania on this show no board mania would have been the album title obviously if he would have if he would can i now do a sex in the city meanwhile over dr johnson yes so it was i've it was a play there was a play called uh a cup of tea with dr johnson it was it was two A Cup of Tea with Dr Johnson.

It was two people, one of them Ian Redford, superbly independent, playing Dr Johnson, and the other one, Russell Barr, winning the independent. Wow. Winning! Yeah, that's what they said about him. And there was a special appearance by Trudy Styler. Oh, Stingswine.

Yeah, proficient for Telegraph. Not so good. But anyway, yeah, and it was fabulous. And they featured, Dr Johnson had a famous cat. Well, it wasn't, he's become famous since, called Hodge, who we used to feed him oysters. And the cat was played by a Jack Russell Terrier. Wow.

Which I, I wasn't sure about. Why did they go so ridiculously off-menu? Well, I think one of the, as they say in Korea, one of the actors in it, it was his dog, and I suppose he likes to travel with his dog. And there was one point... Hang on, Frank. There's lots of things he likes to travel with his dog. And there was one point... Hang on, Frank. There's lots of things I like to travel with, but I wouldn't just include them

in a performance. Yeah, but where are you going to put a dog for an hour and a quarter? That's right. Was it a method acting dog? Because that's a way to get an Oscar, to do a part that's really different from yourself. So a dog playing a cat, I mean, that would really get you... Well, he was like David Suchet

he would only meow for an hour before the performance no he did wee though he did wee on the floor during the performance what the actor? no I don't think it was in the script it just did that terrible also it's a female dog

so they don't even do that you know that sort of cheeky leg cocking thing which I find quite nice, but the terrible tense squat the terrible tension in the back muscle, the tendons of the legs and that look, they stretch their neck upwards

why do they do that? I mean why do they have to move their head in a, it's like they have to form some terrible banana shape anyway, it did that and Kat said she was too upset to enjoy the rest of the play after that. Oh, no. Kat's my girlfriend.

She was worried about spores in the air. Oh, I understand. Oh, she's quite a germ-free. I don't know if you've ever inhaled a dog urine spore. But I must say, it gets on your chest. Anyway, I went down the stairs. I enjoyed the play very much. Yeah.

Because I'm a big Dr. Johnson fan, as you may know. And afterwards, I met with some people downstairs. And we were talking and something happened to me which almost never happens to me in life. Right? And my manager's coming. The producer just signalled us if you said, get out. and my manager's coming. The producer just signalled us if you said, get out. Yeah, get a chair, get a chair, it's my manager. OK, so, yeah, what happened was I was in conversation with two or three people downstairs,

and suddenly there was a silence. Now, whenever there's a silence in a conversation, my inclination is to feel it. Oh, you always feel it, Frank. I do. You do. I couldn't think, I just couldn't think of anything, and the silence, I could feel it, Frank. I do. You do. I couldn't think. I just couldn't think of anything.

And the silent, I could feel it. It was like a big stone on my chest. This silent, I imagine that's what hell will be like. You'll all be sitting round and just not able to think of anything, just looking at each other. And the tension, I couldn't breathe. I tensed up like the weaned dog. Do you know the weaned dog?

It's that pub in Notting Hill. I was in there only the other night. They got squatters, apparently. Yeah, it was terrible. It really upset me. I was traumatised. So I thought, I must ask Gareth how to cope with that. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I must ask Gareth how to cope with that. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

What are you laughing at? You just sent a text in from someone, Frank. Well, don't be so surprised. What, on 8-12-15? Who is the strange person sat in the window you can see on the webcam who looks like the Fonz? Strange person sat in the window who looks like the fons strange person sat in the window looks like the fons but there's no one there oh oh no that's how it starts one of those things it's like when uh captain scott got photographed and there was some other dead explorers in the

there you go i think he was dead when he got photographed they were all there it's a whole photo dead people at the antarctic if you've ever seen that picture. Who is it? I don't know. Is it my manager? I think it might be your manager. He does have a leather jacket. Yeah, he does have a leather jacket.

There's something in the 50s about him. He has meetings in his toilet. Oh, does he? Yeah. Does he say, see you in my office? He says, hey. You might want to leave in a while. He says that quite a lot. I wish he wouldn't say that.

That makes me unnerved. You might want to leave it all out. She says that quite a lot. I wish she wouldn't say that. It makes me unnerved. By the way, I should say that Trudy Styler was very good in that part. She was a bit unkind. Oh, good. Very good. Very ethereal. Thin.

Very thin. Oh, she's lovely and thin. She is lovely and thin. Well, I say lovely and thin. She looked like a woman who was... Well, I suppose if you have the sexuals for eight hours at a time, you're going to lose weight. Oh, God. And she's like Vipa.

Frank, there's also been a text in from someone who's called themselves Watford. Perhaps you're wearing a singlet because the policeman that stopped you last week said you're under a vest. Oh. That's absolutely top-notch from Watford. That'll be from Sir Elton John.

That's my guess. He's always there with a fashion-based pond. Sir Elton, I find. Do you think Galliano's found him up? You know how celebrities phone him up when they're in distress? When in need, that's who you call, isn't it? Yeah, he is. He's the new Marge Proops.

He's got the glasses and everything. Oh, Google her. So, speaking of ghostly things, which we were there for a second. Elton John, he's still alive, isn't he? Oh, have you not heard? No, no, he's still alive. If there's any fans at home suddenly going into a panic,

he's absolutely, he's never been more alive. He's bursting with energy. And fertile, apparently. Great news. Because I think we've all wondered over the years. So anyway, I was at home and I was in the kitchen and I noticed what I can only describe was a ghostly image on one of the walls.

It was sort of, it looked like a strange, smoky, fountain-type thing. And I could see, I couldn't see a face, but there was a hint of sort of head and shoulders in it. I don't mean the well-known shampoo. I mean, you know, a silhouette of a figure. Like ectoplasm. Yeah, a bit like ectoplasm yeah a bit like ectoplasm um turned out i couldn't work out what it was and then it occurred to me it was exactly the area of the kitchen that i'd been um pancake tossing the night before oh it was actually egg to plasma

what i hadn't realized is as you never occurred to me that there's cooking fat and bits of stuff and that flying off and it's it's taking a bit of shifting I'll be honest with you and it makes me wonder about

the whole thing the Loch Ness Monster and all that it's probably I looked it up I just had a look most of them most of those things

Bigfoot Abominable Snowman yeah Loch Ness Monster Yeti Most of those things. Bigfoot. Abominable snowman. Yeah. Clockless monster. Yeti. That's the Abominable Snowman. Yeah, he's got two names.

I don't know why. I think he found the Abominable Snowman was a bit much on the driving licence. The Beast of Bodmin. Beast of Bodmin. Yeah, all those. They all appear round about Shrove Tuesday. They do. They do.

And I think they're hot. They're all pancake based. They are. They all come from random tossing. That's my theory. And not only that, it did occur to me, I never thought, you know, there's hot, fat and that. What about, say if I had a child, which I don't, right?

If I had a child, and maybe I was trying to entertain it, and it's sitting there in a high chair, and I thought, what I'll do, and I'll toss some pancakes here, you know, to make it giggle. The whole thing would have been covered with hot fat and batter within a matter of seconds, and I'd have had... There's no more. I've never seen any warnings about that. I don't think you're supposed to use...

That sounds like you're using a lot of... Are you deep-frying your pancakes? Have you got them in a chip pan? I've got them in the chip pan, yeah. I think you can get 15 at a time. He's one of your Scottish... I have them four and a half inches thick. That's all right, isn't it?

What was that? It's not a chaffing. That's Dr Johnson's cat. Oh, thank you. Always squatting. Played by a chaffinch. In this evening's production, Dr. Johnson's cat, Hodge, will be played by a chaffinch.

Oh, Kroger. I was looking forward to the Jack Russell terrier with its terrible squat. Its terrible tent squat. I don't know if you've ever been in a tent squat, but, oh, the arguments about socialism. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Frank, could you hold your horses right there, please? Oh, my horses what? Because we've had a good email in. Texting, I'm sorry, not email. Frank, perhaps you should tile your kitchen wall to cover the stain and prevent further problems. Sting's wife should be able to recommend someone. Trudy's Tyler. Trudy's Tyler.

I'm loving it. Anonymous again. Why are the good ones always anonymous? Anonymous is on an absolute roll. If you want to text us, it's 8-12-15, and we'd very much love to hear from you. I did... I tell you what I did this... I bought me a pair of desert boots.

Oh, yeah. Everybody help me out, so me get me clerks. Everybody help me out, so me get me clerks. So me get me clerks. And I was... When I come to put them on, they had two large wads of tissue paper in keeping them...

Oh, yeah. You know, in shape. Giving them shape. Well, I don't know if I told you, but I've been to my physiotherapist recently because I had a bit of a shoulder pain. So she gave me some shoulder exercises to do. So I thought, what i'll do i'll

take these two wads of tissue paper put them under my shirt go downstairs and say to my girlfriend um hey guess what i think those shoulder exercises are starting to work right as you would who wouldn't in that situation it was a gift and it was a night it meant also made me feel a bit decadent. Because when I was a child, any tissue that came in papers, wrapped around shoes or even around tangerines, went straight into the toilet. We used it all as toilet paper. So to actually use it for a practical joke felt like I'd finally arrived.

Oh, you're living the high life. Yeah i um yeah i think you know you that you are doing well when you can put tissue paper from your shoes in the bin and not think oh really i should put that on that nail in the toilet so um what i did was i i put it under my shirt i went down and i said to my my girlfriend oh, those, um, eh? Because I'd set her up earlier in the week. I'd pulled my sleeve right down over my hand and just held an aubergine in my hand and said, oh, no, I've shut my finger in the door.

Not much of a reaction then. And when I said the shoulders thing, she went, yeah, funny, and walked out the room. I mean, she was on the way out the room anyway, and I thought, oh. And I think this is the thing about a long-term relationship. It's not the sexuals that go down the hill,

it's the practicals. Because I think there's a law of diminishing returns with the practical jokes. She'd have laughed her head off at that ten years ago. Now she just looks at me like I'm some kind of a fool. You do do a lot of practical jokes. Well, what's the point of having a partner if you can't do practical jokes? I once went round to yours and you put a wig in the bed.

Why did you do that? That didn't go at all well. She thought someone had left it there. I know, but it was a ridiculous blonde nylon wig. I put it in the bed and I thought, oh, she'll think it's some kind of a Yorkshire Terrier, maybe a West Highland Terrier. And she opened and I thought...

It wasn't, it was very children's TV presenter, that wig. It was curly blonde, yeah. And I thought, a bit like Aunty Jean Morton who used to be the Tinger and Talker show. Yeah. I'll Google it. Yeah, do it. So I put it in the bed as a bit of a practical joke and she never had waiting for the shriek or the laugh never mentioned it never mentioned it

and eventually after i said how come you haven't mentioned that wig and she said oh i thought somebody left it there accidentally you didn't know about it i took a woman back in a curly blonde nylon wig i say woman i mean who knows and and they left they left without it no one noticed anything strange how could that possibly be anyway that's what happened so yeah so i um i'll tell you what what about this then what about if anyone's got any if anyone did any practical jokes that went wrong that they want to share with us oh I've got plenty

they can text us on 8 12 15 if my ex-wife calls in about our marriage I shall be absolutely offended so what about that I say so what about that well I've got plenty Frank I've heard that Frank on radio frank skinner on

absolute radio absolute radio what else frank we've got some practical jokes which i'm loving okay uh practical jokes gone wrong yeah we asked for on 8 12 15 we asked for um yeah practical jokes that went wrong we've had one in from wiggygy. Oh no, is it Wiggy the cousin? Wiggy, didn't I sleep with her once? As teenagers, mock abduction of my cousin Wiggy, which sounds rather worrying. And there is a mention of roadblocks across Sussex.

I think we can safely say that went wrong. Is it a really long one? No, there's just... Yeah, I need to reread it. But it says three hours later. I think there might have been arrests involved as well. Oh, my goodness. Six of us arrested.

Yeah. We've had one from Danny in London. I once pretended to trip someone up at the top of a flight of stairs, but I moved my foot away too late, and she went head over heels all the way down. Everyone around me just thought I was evil and actually meant to trip her up. That is... I hope she's alright.

Yeah. Funny now, obviously, in retrospect, but not if she broke her back. This is from 719, Frank. Oh, 719. On our honeymoon, my wife... World adversary, 719. Yeah, you our... 719. On our honeymoon, my wife... World adversary, 719.

Yeah, you'll be in the recreation yard this time of the morning. On our honeymoon, my wife left the room to get some feta cheese. Don't ask why... Don't ask why, then. Oh, no. I've misread that. To get some feta cheese. Don't ask why, then.

I placed... No, maybe it's some feta cheese.'t ask why then i place no maybe it's some feta cheese full stop don't ask why full stop that's what i thought it was the first time you need some punctuation i put some punctuation in practical grammar with absolute radio okay let's start again okay then i placed so okay frank on our honeymoon my wife left the room to get some feta cheese. Don't ask. Why? No, don't ask why. Come on.

Then I placed a white sheet over my head, ghost style, waiting on her return. As she entered the room, I jumped out in a ghost style. She hit me. Who said romance is dead? You've killed that story. It's actually a very funny story um tony the story now tony has texted in it's on their honeymoon did he say yeah see i love that

i love that on a honeymoon a bloke would still do a ghost or they say jumped out ghost style he sounds a bit like you that's something you do yeah definitely what's the point of honeymoons nowadays i mean all the magic's gone. I think they're only really for practical jokes abroad. That's what they're about. So you can use foreign things. You can get them out of the room with feta cheese instead of coming up with some other more domestic excuse.

When I was younger, me and my sister did a practical joke on some parents' friends. Some parents' friends? My parents' friends. And we put' friends, my parents' friends. And we put some chocolate chip cookies. We had a plastic one from the joke shop, because we love the joke shop. Oh, yeah, the joke shop. We put it on the plate when it was tea, Frank.

We had afternoon tea. That was tea and biscuits, not tea tea. And he went to eat it. Imagine our excitement when he grabbed the plastic one and he put it in. He took a bite. He went, oh, my tooth! Oh, no. Oh, no.

We got chastised. We got reprimanded. And, frankly, we've had a text in from Tony. Hi, when I was younger, I once recreated the shower scene on my then-girlfriend with a banana. Shower scene from Psycho? Yeah. Thank God it was that shower scene.

I thought it was that video David Baddiel had. Oh, God. Carry on. And she was terrified. it was that show, see? I thought it was that video David Baddiel had. Carry on. And she was terrified. She was hysterical for about five minutes. Oh, God. But then she was an actress. Ah, well. Well, there you go. It wasn't Janet Lee, was it? I don't know. Probably had a terrible

flashback. I wouldn't be surprised. I am. I held someone in a paternoster once. I said, well, leave it there. Do you know in a paternoster once I said we'll leave it there do you know what a paternoster is? it sounds quite that's something to do with the clergy

I mean it's what they I believe it's our father isn't it in Latin and because you say it's like rosary beads stick with me there's a lift, there's a type of lift and they call it say it's like rosary beads. Yeah. Stick with me. There's a lift.

There's a type of lift. And they call it because it's sort of like rosary beads in that it's circular. Okay. And you have to... It's perpetual. There are no doors on it. You have to jump in when it goes past. And then it goes to the top and goes around and comes down in the other shaft. Are you with me?

Two doors. Imagine that. Yeah. And like a circular thing with wooden compartments on it. That's a paternoster. So anyway, that wasn't a practical joke. One day I got in the wrong paternoster. I meant to get in the one going down,

I got in the one going up, and it went up and it goes up into where the machinery is. And then it shuffles along at the top. So there's all these big wheels and cables. And then you come back down again. So I thought, God, that would be a funny thing to keep someone in. Yeah. Because there used to be a rumour that when they got to the top,

they just went into flat packs and spun round. So I thought if somebody could... So anyway, this woman got in and we got to the... I said, have you ever been over the top in a Pater Noster? I mean, I could have been misunderstood, the way she looked at me. Anyway, I grabbed her sleeve, and we went over the top. And apparently, with the weight of two people, and it's a slightly different experience, and it just stuck.

It completely stuck in total darkness. And she started really punching me on the chest going what have you done? Well I mean I don't think any woman had done that to me for probably two weeks and we were in there for about 45 minutes and she was absolutely

by the end of it I mean she was having palpitations and she couldn't breathe and we were up to our neck in excrement. It was a nightmarish experience all round. But I feel now that I'm free of it, that I've finally told people. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've had a lovely text from Craig on 8.12.15. Yes. Oh, you don't get many Craigs these days, do you?

You don't really? No. No. It's Craig Johnson who invented the predator boot, but I don't know if you'd call him nowadays. Carry on. Morning all, I've just woken from the strangest dream. One that I've had every night

since Wednesday. On Wednesday evening I served Frank his sparkling water at the press night production of Blithe Spirit. Rock and roll. I was enthralled, the Guardian. Could this be possible? Yes, I was at Blithe Spirit. Oh, Alison Steadman

in the Margaret Rutherford role. I'll be loving you always. That's all you need to know. In the dream, Frank is force-feeding me bar snacks. No, that'll never happen. My fiancé has been woken twice by me shouting, No, Frank, you can't fit any more in.

Oh, that has been made up. Don't you believe it? To be deliberately coarse. It's all gone a bit Mrs Brown's Boys. Have you seen Mrs Brown's Boys? That late night sitcom thing? No. It's been really slagged off for being crude and old.

Is it a man dressed up as a lady? It is. I have to say, I watched it. I loved it. Did you? So wrong. So wrong it's right. You know what I...

Frank, you've been spotted again. Don't panic. Okay. It's okay. This is from Liz Kelly. Was I with Avram Grant on an industrial stage? Liz Kelly,

now and again we catch a glimpse of you at the West Brom matches on the telly, and you look rather dapper, which is not how I imagined you, given all the laughs around your sartorial choices. Liz Kelly. Well, that's... I don't think of myself as especially dapper at the...

Well, no, nor does Adam Stevens, who tweeted in. What's going on? It's an avalanche. Who said, Frank Skinner, this is a spotted thing, Frank Skinner trying on a coat. It didn't suit him. Oh, I bought it. That's not the coat you're wearing. I tried on two coats that day.

OK, the one you've got I think looks rather nice on you. It's very sort of gamekeeper, isn't it? There's an element of gamekeeper about it. Waxy. Yes, that's what they call me. But it's the ears thing. But I tried on, for the first time ever, I tried on a trench

coat. A full length trench? A beige trench coat, which I think are quite sort of, are they fashionable? You'd know. Very much so. Yeah, well I tried it on, I look like a gay colombo. My husband's a big fan of yours. I mean, I think he died before the civil partnership came into California because he'd gone out of California now.

But, yeah, so that was a mistake. So if he'd seen me in that, he was right. Belted? He would have been if I'd have caught him. But how could I have known he was going to send that text um so yeah it was belted and i couldn't decide what to do with the belt it's such a decision with a trench coat do you leave it knotted at the back do you buckle it why don't you ask me i'll tell you exactly what you're gonna say you're not in a single bow you can shot your mouth i did that and that really did put the icing on the very

there's no bows about it you don't you take it out of the loops yeah whip it out the loops and then tie it twice it's not a bow there's no bow but you tie it you tie it tight around accentuate your lovely waist no no no i could not i cannot tolerate a disused loop on a garment you know what mean? I'll put on trousers that are very tight on me that don't need a belt but I have to wear a belt because I can't cope with a disused loop. Oh, it's your waste not want not.

It is that. I have sometimes thought, well if I'm going out somewhere where I might want to change my clothes, I could use each loop for a coat hanger thing. I could have a shirt, pair of trousers just hanging around my waist. I've never done it. It's been a pipe dream. No more than that.

You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. That was the four. We're breaking the rules. I think I'll play that, especially for my girlfriend, Kath,

her sister Rachel and their mum, Sandu, are in Cirencester having a bit of a weekend break. Well, I mean, they're actually filming Macbeth, obviously. They're there for the opening scene. It's a spring break. That's what MTV would call it. Is it a spring... I hope they don't get up to those antics, is all I'm saying. Is it not a bit early for a spring break?

No, but that's what it's called. OK, fair enough. What else? Well, actually, can I just say Paul from Witness had nothing like the slurred tones of Marky Smith in the morning to get me smiling. So there you go. He's from Witness, though, so he has a spiritual link.

What's Witness? It's sort of Lancashire-y. Oh, OK, fine. Place. OK. And we've had a practical joke gone wrong. Actually, Trudy's style was a bit short on Widness. No, that was Wideness. So thin.

From 340, I wore a scaly, clawed, hairy werewolf hand to bed with my wife. Is this Richard Keyes? And I can't get either of them off. Sorry. To see if she would notice. I started getting amorous, and not only did she not notice anything was different, but seemed to be more receptive than usual.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, shit. Well, that's a practical... Hold on, he's bought... He's bought the whole costume. He's bought the whole costume, yeah. Oh, Finn's brought the whole costume. Well, that's a practical... Hold on, he's brought... He's brought the whole costume. He's brought the whole costume, yeah. Oh, I'm really pleased for them. Whatever works for you.

Well, you say you're pleased for them. It's hardly a scene of domestic bliss, is it? Man dressed as a werewolf. No. No, that would be terrible, obviously. Don't like it. Don't kid, say, don't like it. I like Frank Ashley in Crystal Palace.

Dear Emily, Gareth and Frank, in the 80s, my dad and his mate got drunk. Oh, he sounds nice. And decided to paint his girlfriend's car pink and yellow with a psychedelic sunshine roof. She wouldn't speak to him for nearly a week. The worst thing was it was the car we went to school in. And we had to be dropped off in a side street half a mile from school as we were teenaged and ashamed. Who's Ashley from Crystal Palace? I hope it's not actually cold well exactly you wouldn't want him in a crystal palace with that air rifle paul says it's in cheshire please not not lang oh sorry sorry everyone

sorry everyone in witness say everyone in witnesses only one that one person listening i should think let's find out that's this week's phoning. How many people in Witness can I get a Witness? I'm surprised they can bear Witness. I like it. Religious element.

Did you actually witness the Matt Baker David Cameron thing on the one show? Oh, yeah. It's on my Sky Plus, never to be deleted. That's good. I love it.

I loved it. Is there any chance at all, in case you don't know, at the end of Matt Baker and Alex Jones, they're the one show regular crew now, aren't they? Oh, they're regular. And they haven't had a scandal for nearly three weeks, so they thought they'd throw one show regular crew now, aren't they? Oh, they're regular. And they haven't had a scandal for nearly three weeks, so they thought they'd throw one in. And they interviewed David Cameron,

and at the end of it, after a typical one show, when they talked about the name of the cat at Number 10 Downing Street and all that, and showed some of those nasty colour photo copies that haven't been properly glued on the board. Oh, you don't like those, do you? I don't like those. Then at the end of it, Matt Baker said to David Cameron,

so how do you sleep at night? Yeah. Well, he did it like, he said, just one more thing. Just one more. It was a bit Columbo, wasn't it? It was a bit Columbo. Just one more thing. And then, yeah, he said, how on earth?

Which I thought might have been the giveaway he might have meant it what do you think i hope he meant it i 100 think he meant it like i really i really do he said it like you love him i do love him i think he's brilliant i've often wondered out david cameron sleeps at night because his face is so smooth and shiny, I think it wouldn't stick to a pillow. It would constantly slide off. And he needs to wake up for a feed as well. Yeah. What do you mean?

Well, he looks like a baby. Do you think? He always looks like he's just shaved, that mini. He's got that sort of pink... He thought I was implying he was a vampire or something. Smoothness. I didn't know what you meant. When I was at Blind Spirit the other night,

Craig Riffle Horwood was about four rows ahead of me, and there was a time when I looked at him in the stage light, there was not a wrinkle in him. No. He looked like... You know when they used to blow up a pig's bladder to play football in the medieval times? Yeah.

He looked like he had one of them sitting on top of his cravat. He may have. He may have taken his head off at the second half, who knows. But this whole thing, Frank, has made Matt Baker more, I don't know, a bit more attractive somehow. He was a bit shouldn't but would. Was he? Yeah, he was a bit.

I think he's a good-looking guy. Now he's a hero. Oh, yeah. I think what gives it away is how shocked Alex Jones was that she fully gasps and looks horrified. It's really funny. Do you honestly think that he took the opportunity to say that? She looks appalled.

She looks like he said the worst, most terrible... Because why would he stop? It's all wound up. He says, oh, lovely to have you here. Really forced. Oh, it's been so lovely. Just one more thing. How on earth can you sleep at night?

Like I've fully, like, out of nowhere. But I could have... If I'd have been Cameron, I'd have said, hold on, you work on the show regularly with Giles Brandreth. How do you sleep at night? That's what artists... That's what these people need. Frank, we've had a text in.

Is it from Giles Brandreth? No. I heard you're rather nasty, Rima. Shut your face! Carry on. My favourite practical joke is setting off alarms deliberately. Love from... Do you know who it's from? I think I can probably guess who it's from.

It's from A.E. Houseman. That is so sly. I can scarcely believe it. What's worrying about that is because it's a bit nicer today, we're doing the show with the window open and three old-age pensioners have just run down the street in absolute look of terror on their faces. I hope we haven't caused any problemos.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. hope we haven't caused any problemos Frank we do have people listening in with us and it does sort of exist it's true Ian says hi Frank, Emily and Kath I'm listening in with us, Holton viewed to be more specific. And Brian says, I'm not in witness, but I am listening as part of a witness protection programme. Well, I mean, I think he's picked up our witness thing. He's run away with it.

Listen, I think I need to explain the singlet. I think you do as well. Because I'm wearing a singlet and people are you know the whole world's wondering what people have a right to know it's a bit Bronsonian it is a bit Charles Bronson I think both Charles Bronsons I think both the original and our own British

friend of the show yeah fiend of the show I've told you that before they both wear one. The reason is I got waxed yesterday by Denise Van Ooten. Outen. Let's call the whole thing blonde. And, yes, because my crisps, they sold well. Did they?

Were your managers here? They said to me, they said they sold well. Did they? Were your managers here? They said to me, they said they sold very, but it was a bit like, you know, the Blue Peter competition. There's a very high standard of entry. You're all, in a way, you're all winners. It was like that. Oh, how patronising. Yes, but I think, I don't think I'm giving anything away to say that.

Well, I won't say who the others were, but anyway, I was not the winner. OK. And let's just say Stephen Fry wasn't there. Oh. I think he was supposed to be, but he was on a ferry the last minute. I've been a silly old fool. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, he could go at any moment. He is. It's like having a canary in the air. Terrible silly Billy. You leave the cage door open, he could go at any moment. He is. It's like having a canary in the air. Terrible silly Billy. You leave the cage door open, he's gone. Anyway, so, yeah, so I've never been waxed before in my life. How did you find it? Well, it did.

There was some blood. Oh, dear. There was. She did both legs. Okay. She did my chest. Yeah. That which I choose to call my chest, she did.

Did she have a good technique, do you think? She had a rubbish technique. At the end of it all, I was so red. She did an enormous one on my chest, the size of a football. And she ripped it off and it was, you know, it hurt. And my chest was, I looked like, if you can imagine, I looked like a big robin. Yes, I can see that.

A big red... Red breast. Yeah, I had a red breast. And she said at the end of it all, she said, I think I was supposed to put, like, powder on before I put the wax on. Yes, of course you are. She hadn't have done that. She didn't put the dry stuff on.

She hadn't done that. Shut up your face. So, and then she even did, she went... Was there no one overseeing this process? It's highly irregular. Well, there was a lady there, but she wasn't actually in the room when it happened. She told me that she, she said,

she said, I only do the ladies and I do downstairs. I said, what, you got a dungeon? She said, no, no said, I only do the ladies and I do downstairs. I said, what, you've got a dungeon? She said, no, no, I mean the downstairs. I said, how many of those? She said, I do sometimes 25 in a day. Well, I mean, after a while. I guess that's quite quick, isn't it? I guess it doesn't...

I'm just nervous at where this is going. I'm not even going to talk about it. No, exactly. So where did she disappear to, old 25 and a day? Was she off? I go to ferry now with Steve. No, no, I think he was long gone. Anyway, so she did,

she put the wax on me, which was actually quite pleasant. It was like honey. And I thought, wouldn't this be a fabulous practical joke if it was honey and then covered my genitals in them and then opened the cupboard,

say, full of bees. I mean, we'd have laughed about it after. Or at least a bear. Or a bear. Looking good as well. Yes. And I was just running through the many meanings of bear. So, yeah, oh, they loved the honey.

It's one of my favourite words. But she did go, she went a lot lower than I, she went lower than I anticipated. Oh, they always do.

No, but she went into places you wouldn't think Denise Vanner would ever go. Really? You wouldn't have thought

she would go there? No. And then when she did that, she did, I mean, she did, there was an element of downstairs to it, but only half, she did, I mean, she did, there was an element of downstairs to it.

Was there? Only half of the downstairs. Only the right, the left-hand side of the downstairs is gone. The right hand is still there. That's no good. It looks like my genitals are peering around a curtain. If you can imagine. They're about to come on, a bit nervous, just checking out the house. It's a matinee. If you can imagine such a thing.

If you can, I can only apologise. If you can't, put yourself down, lucky. And someone said to me, you should text some painkillers before. Yeah, good idea. I do that sometimes. Yes, but I thought that I wanted the full experience. I wanted to know what it was like. And so I thought there should have been random drug testing.

I think I have an idea that Jimmy Carr might have... But anyway, Jimmy Carr and Al Morick, they only had one shint on each. What? Yeah. So I think she was exhausted after she did me. Yeah, honestly, there was pieces coming out of me like, you know when they rip up a divot

on a golf course? There was whole hacking lumps of flesh coming off of me when she took the thing off. No powder, I remind you ladies. So it was harrowing in many ways. And then it turns out, what about this? It's almost certainly

not going to be on Red Nose Day show. Because... Too offensive? No, I think that... Sounds quite explicit. Yeah. I think Comic Relief, I think it's going to be on some website. All that pain for a website.

Oh, dear. Oh, the internet's very big nowadays. Yes, but... Excuse me, I have to get that done every week and it's not shown anywhere. Well, that's what you think. Have you not seen the studio cat version i told you not get it done in here but no you know you would want your own way um so my view is this i think walkers that was always the tea i think walkers should

sue the backside off of comic relief i mean clean them out all their funds gone well that's the backside of comic relief. Wouldn't that be brilliant, though? A really vicious call. Oh, you're taking coming relief to the cleaners! Oh, how brilliant. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Bit of a shock this week. I know, you know, I'm a bit of a cooking expert.

I had a cooking problem this week. Oh, yeah? I was making dinner. I started off, it was pancake day, but I started off very successfully. I made meatballs with pasta. Okay. And it was very good. I grilled the meatballs, put the spaghetti on, made the sauce.

Grilled the meatballs? Yeah, grilled the meatballs first. Oh, OK. Outside of the sauce. Highly regular. They break up. And my wife, Laura, is lactose intolerant. She won't have the lactose.

What is lactose, exactly? It's in milk, isn't it? It's sort of like a sugar, isn't it, I think. Yeah. Makes her stomach very bad. So what I did is I very... So it's in milk, though? Yeah, it's in milk, isn't it? It's sort of like a sugar, isn't it, I think. Yeah. Makes her stomach very bad. So what I did is I very... So it is in milk, though? Yeah, it's in milk.

That's right, yes. Right. So I made the pancakes with soya milk. Oh. Sounds vile. Yeah, that was a terrible mistake. Was it? Like, soya milk should have a warning on it saying,

do not make pancakes with this. I think some of it does. Really? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I didn't read the card. have a warning on it saying do not make pancakes with this i think some of it does really yeah oh yeah i didn't i didn't read well you got the wrong i mean if you went if you went um local brand was it my mom's trust me frank he went local brand of course he did yeah it was a very reputable brand so one of the big ones so did did it coagulate? Was that the problem? No, the problem... I'm sensing a coagulation.

Oh, yeah. No, what was odd is that they took quite a lot longer to cook than you would expect. Oh. Because I think the soy was resisting the heat. Did you get the chip pan absolutely very... I mean, as hot as it would go. I love Frank's common pancakes. You should market them.

I also think... If you've ever seen... If you've ever seen cow excrement, there's something about cow excrement that says, you should use this, some part of this animal in making pancakes. It's a hint from nature. Do you know what I'm saying?

Sorry, I've got that frog in my throat thing i'm gonna have to better oh dear next so because sweetened soy milk has kind of a condensed milk sort of taste doesn't it though yeah it's a bit weird that's what i like about it oh i am partial no no no i don't like it the pancakes look quite normal but the consistency was of rubber thin rubber that you could bite through and they tasted horrible laura said they were the worst what's the thing worst ever worst ever pancakes That's not a review you want. They were terrible. Really awful. Okay, we'll get the picture. Did you give Ethan pancakes?

No, Ethan was asleep. Oh, okay. And we... Ethan, soya fume intolerant. Apparently. Well, that's... What I did is I asked my PA to get some lemons. You did not.

I did. You did. I bet you did. I did, as it was, um, as it was, you know, Shrove Tuesday. And, and then I thought, oh, she's forgot the lemons, so I made two pancakes. She got keys to the house then, the PA? Oh, God, yes. Has she?

Yeah, who else would she lay my clothes at for the morning? So, um, yeah, so I did two non-lemon pancakes, and then I discovered that the lemons were there after all. So I had to put all the lemon I would have put on the first two all on the three. The third one made my face go all like Helen Worth from Coronation Street when I had that one. You didn't need to do that. Well, I thought it'd all mix. They'll sort it out amongst themselves once they get down there.

That's not the way food works. Well, that's what you say. It is in our house. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Chelsea Dagger, Fratellis. I like Nick from Hastings. It's just like being at the darts.

I like Nick from Hastings said, it's just like being at the darts. I like that's generally true of this show. Yeah, very much. Frank, we've also had a text in from Richie in Taunton. Was any event hit harder by the smoking ban than the darts? I don't think it was. Sorry. Richie in Taunton. Hi, Frank.

My girlfriend Charlene reckoned she saw you going into a tattoo shop about two weeks ago. Is this true? Did you get a tattoo? Yes. It's just Poirot's moustache and it says R.I.P. Underneath. It's right across my back, like wings, like enormous bat wings. Did Denise run out and try and wax it off yeah

unsuccessfully no she didn't funnily enough i never showed her my back you have to back out the room like with the majesty of queen oh is it it's a shame no i didn't see the back of you that was the that was the wrong that wasn't me oh yes, yes. Big news. There may be, very soon, a new World's Shortest Man. Oh. Oh, yeah. We always keep an eye on that, don't we? Well, I think, yeah.

It's in a way the World's Shortest Men are friends of the show. You can imagine them on a very small chain gang. Yeah. John Ray Bellowing from... John Ray Bellowing. um he's a janry bellowing janry bellowing when i was he is the limbo king well he would be the limbo king that's what they should do can you make a living as the world's shortest man is there any money in you oh yeah kagendra tapamaga made a fortune i I would imagine. Is that right? Yeah, getting stuff out from under cabinets for people, things like that. No, just in personal appearances, open summer field, that kind of thing.

What, on a ladder? Limbo dancing competitions. Yeah, if there was a pro limbo, I think you'd be in with a shout. Yeah, so he's 18 in June, he's currently 17 and 56 centimetres tall. So as long as he doesn't... So he's currently 11 centimetres taller than the current smallest man. Shorter, you mean? Yes.

Yeah. So as long as he doesn't shoot up 11 centimetres... Yeah. Well, he might do. It depends what happens to him. Well, that's it. I see. How tall is Ethan?

Well, I measured him recently. I got Lord to measure him last month. How old is he now? About a year and a half? He's about... He's 22 months. 22 months, okay. So, he is 80 centimetres.

What's that? He's taller than the world's shortest man. So, he's like, yeah, nearly over 20 centimetres taller he's blown it, completely blown it well there's still a chance of the world's tallest don't give up yet true I feel sorry for

Kegendra Tapamagam because he's only actually got another couple of months then, he's going to go crazy I don't feel sorry for him, the world's an op skirt, let's face it in that line of work what i'd do is i would um i'd get a jacket with a big handle on the back and just just to tempt people see if i could get carried about a bit yeah or like a little like abseiling right that you could hook onto people's belt loops yeah very good for you if you were a map. That's a good use for your belt loops.

We're assuming that they're happy. Pardon? Well, he looks very happy, this guy. Well, he is, and in fact, John Ray Ballowing's mother, Concepcionia 35, says he loves it when I tell him he's going to be the smallest man in the world. He smiles with pride.

That's what Concepcion said. Yeah. When you said Concepcion 35, I thought it was a bit... I've got a lot of details about the genesis of Bandara Batwing. Yeah. Is that what he's called? No, Jen Ray Balloway.

Oh, yeah, I knew it was something like that. Oh, they all look the same to me, the little men. So, we move towards the end of the show. Yeah. I think Ben Jones is on next. He's already arrived, so don't worry about that I'm doing the one show on Tuesday my answer's going to be melatonin

when he asks and now I'm going to drive off to Sirencester actually I'm looking forward to the drive I'll tell you for why I've got myself some I've got into the audio book type

of, you know, the spoken word I've got into. And I've got Solaris. The BBC. Oh yeah. I've got all the sci-fis. RUR. Lovely. I've got. And I might even throw in Aliens in the Mind, Vincent Price,

Peter Cushion. We'll see how long the journey. I'm ready for a jam, should it happen. So I'm excited about that. If you actually enjoy this sort of stuff, we'll be doing Not The Weekend podcast. That'll be available on Wednesday, which is completely separate from this show. It's just more fun from the joke factory

than is the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Show. That wasn't me. That was a jingle I just hit there. I don't want anyone to think I'd say anything like crass. So I think that's all. Ben Jones isn't here, where is he? He is, I just saw him. Oh, I thought he was hiding. Yeah, he hasn't shaved today, that crazy rock and roll animal.

Yeah, so thanks very much for listening. We love you all. And you, mate, in witness. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio.