The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Red or Bleak

Episode Date: September 10, 2011

Frank has a few opinions about ITV1s new show Red or Black, Alun gives us an update on Cockerell Junior's first day at school, and Emily reveals she's not a fan of Madonna's gift receiving style.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. We are Absolute Radio, and right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolutely tremendous. That was Slade with Hear Me Calling. I think when I got this job,

that's what people expected me to be playing all the time, was it just non-stop Slade. It's a certain stereotyping goes on. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So let me give you the line-up. There's me, Frank Skinner. Hello, Mr Radio. There's Alan Mr. Radio. And there's Alan Cochran.

And there's Emily Dean. Sorry, that was the only one I had for you, Em. It seems... You know, I'm very happy with my sound effect. Well, you're brassy. Yeah, I am. And that was brassy, so I think we're on. We're on Absolute Radio, still.

And it's Saturday morning. And if you want to text us about anything, I know we haven't really said anything yet, but maybe there's some big Slide fans. That's how conversations start, innit? We don't have to have said anything. People could just say something to us. Yes, they could start.

I like the idea of them starting, yeah. Oh, we can't wait for them, because that will be terrible radio. Apparently, when you go and study radio at the Radio Academy, they tell you never to call the audience them. It makes them feel other. Yeah. I said them.

So, you, you is what I mean. You can text us on 81250, and I look forward to hearing from them. Me? Frank. You. Alan and I are feeling like you need to get something off your chest this morning. Yeah, have you got any Vic Vapor on? No, I've been watching intermittently this week, and that's not the name of a new Keira Knightley emotional movie.

I've been watching Red or Black. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you're aware of Red or Black. We have actually talked about it on the show before when the original idea was mooted. We talked about what it would be like. But I don't think any of us for one moment

thought it would be the glimpse through the gates of hell that the programme has turned out to be. I think it's quite significant the colours red and black are the colours red and black are the colours of the devil, and indeed Nazi Germany. Not a fan, then. I tell you what Simon Cowell has done,

he's looked at the success of the X Factor and Britain's Got Talent and he's thought, do we need the talent part of this? Can't we just have, like, 50-50 guessing? He probably thought, think of the popularity. What's a really popular game what about heads or tails suppose we could get a theme on on that and they even have people you have the heartbreak stories that you get on the talent shows you know yeah you know my uh with the dell music frank playing underneath while they're crying my wife was born with three heads

and and all that kind of stuff you know and. And a million quid would really, you know, really help us and stuff like that. And then they either say red or they say black rather than they're either good at something or bad at something. Now, there might be people at home saying, but this is a great chance for the ordinary people to have a million quid. Yeah, but that's not... Lovely people that have won it. Yeah.

And, you know what I particularly it's like the lottery and that there's something about money that seeks out the what was it called the lotto lout and all those people I'm starting to think that it's made me feel very differently about Ant and Dick has it?

because I'm wondering do you think it's dented their brand? well to me no they represent pure evil. We're going to need a J-cloth, because someone's just spat tea across the studio. You know, those early flickerings of, you know, the occasional strange viewer phoning and, you know, money going.

I thought that was just, it was nothing. I'm now starting to think that Ant could be short for Antichrist. And Dec may be December, you know, the end of days, the dark times. I do. I think they're presiding over the death of British society. When you say it's made you feel different about them, I have had a similar thing, but on a much more minor scale. OK.

Because I turned it over. And I don't really understand the programme, but I don't think that more minor scale because i turned it over and i don't really understand the program but i don't think that's what don't you understand well it's not a tricky format but it is it's red or black yeah i get that bit but they don't really anyway anyway i don't really get even the layout of the show. And I've turned it on a couple of times. I've had a lot of nights off this week. I've turned it over a couple of times. But I seem to be getting to the live bit. And they do a weird thing where they say the people's jobs.

But instead of saying he is a X, Y or Z, whatever his job is. There was a weird moment where I turned it on. And Ant was saying, and we've got our accounts manager. And I was thinking oh, you don't want to have the staff on the telly, how vulgar! And then the next person was our full-time carer, and I was thinking, come on lads, you're 19 now, you don't need the care that you used to need, surely.

But it feels weird that they don't say Dave is an accounts manager from Chelmsford, they say our accounts manager... Yeah, but that's because they have been embraced by Lucifer. No, the souls of the contestants belong to Ant and Dave. See, I think... Can I just say, in case you doubt this thing,

that this is the devil's work, one of the things, they had what they called Il Divo. Oh, Il Divo, yeah. The man from Il Divo. In order to decide whether it was red or black, they had to pull feathers out of an angel's wings. How much imagery do you want that this is the work of the devil? I honestly think that this is a filthy, vile virus

at the centre of British society that will bring us all down. I think Ant and Dec should be hung up like Mussolini and Claretta Petucci. Well, we're out of the blocks this morning, aren't we? I could be wrong. They should call it, I think, a much better idea, Red or Dead.

And then Ant or Dec has to shoot someone at point-blank range. And then armed police officers are waiting to take one of them off. Much better idea. Well, the last show could be called Ant or Dec, with a sort of a human cannonball set-up, and whoever picks the wrong colour has to go in.

But unfortunately, they're both immortals, so it wouldn't make any difference. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about red or black, which is a very popular TV show. Much talked about. And as Em was just pointing out, people don't... Actually, I said all they have to do is choose red or black. Often they don't even get...

No, you don't get the choice. They go, oh, I'm so sorry, red's gone, so you're stuck with black. You're going to have to do that, yeah. They've got no choice. It is like heads or or tails but one of those coins that's got two lots of heads on it for magicians or something he said to this one bloke he said uh i'm so you're gonna have to be black how do you feel about that and he said i was i was my intention was to to be red and the audience went oh yeah. Yeah. What kind of drama? Why do the people cry as well?

They go, it just wasn't me. I thought it was going to be my day. It didn't work out for me. And then they said they've made good friends. You could see the old actress there, couldn't you? I always... My throat's tightened a little. I can tell you why they're crying,

because they need medical attention. They are not well. They're on a game that they have no control over, and they think they've got a strategy. He said to us, what's your strategy? Well, I'm going to wait until you give me a colour that doesn't represent anything, and then I'm going to go home. I think there was a producer who thought, this deal or no deal,

it's a bit too highbrow. Need to simplify. Anyway, we can't go on about this, but I have been shouting at you. Have you? I've been really shouting. You know when you're someone you're telling you're really shouting at? Yeah. That's what I've been like.

Well, it does. You see, I have had a bit with Deal or No Deal as well. Never watched it. Have you never watched it? Never watched it. I've been waiting for Red or Black. There's no point, because I know there's something bigger and better coming along. Yeah, I think Deal or Deal was the sort of John the Baptist

to Red and Black's Antichrist. At least they've created the cunning authority figure of the producer. Yeah, that's... The banker. Sorry, not the producer, the banker. Do you think there's anyone on the end of the phone? No, there's a nice producer with a nice house in Chiswick with two kids. It's Harry Hill off TV, but that's probably the other end of the phone, isn't it?

I think Noel makes it up. I just think he just picks up... He presses a button. I used to have this on Fantasy Football. You press a button and it rings and then you do a mythical conversation. That's quite like one of those. I like the idea of you shouting at the telly though, Frank. I imagine the cockerel shouts

more or less everything on the telly. He's an angry man. I turn it off quite a lot, but I've kept red or black on because obviously my duty as a broadcaster I have to have a finger on the pulse of what the public are speaking about. And when Armageddon comes you'll recognise the signs. I need to have a finger on the pulse of what the public are speaking about. Yeah. And for a little while... And when Armageddon comes, you'll recognise the signs.

I need to know, yeah. So I've had a little look at it. There was a point where I was watching it and I caught myself plucking my own nostril hairs. I don't know if this is... Who normally plucks them? Well... LAUGHTER

What I mean is I don't normally... This is this week's question. Who plucks the cockerel? I'm going to text him. LAUGHTER What I mean is I don't normally... This is this week's question. Who plucks the cockerel? Text him. But I did realise, because sometimes if you pluck a nostril hair for long enough, you will sneeze.

I don't know if this is... Oh, yeah, and cry. Yeah, and I wasn't sure whether or not it was going to be the left or the right nostril, and I thought, this could make a round on red or black. They could paint me half and half. And that could be, you know, television. But it wasn't. That's an excellent idea.

But I shout quite a bit at the telly. I've shouted... Weirdly, I used to shout quite a lot at Loose Women when it first started. Oh, did you? Oh, you mean the TV programme? I mean the television programme. You weren't just telling them to move along from outside your house? Some of the lesser areas of Northern England.

Repent! Repent! I don't think I'd be... Cheapen, cheapen. Lower the prices. But now I feel like... It's become kind of just part of the thing, hasn't it? But when it first came on, I remember being kind of a bit offended because it seemed like it was setting back feminism so far,

going, all right, is this what we've fought for? Really? You shouted at loose... See, I rarely shout at anything that early in the day. I have to get worked up. Yeah, about 9pm for Red or Black, isn't it? 8pm. Yeah, I'm ready. I'd like to know what our listeners shout out on the telly.

That's what I'd like to know, but how are we going to find that out? I've no idea. I was going to go out of that then, just into the adverts, but then I thought I don't want to end it like that. No. Cliffhanger, innit? Can I tell you this on the subject of plucking nostrils? I had my hair cut yesterday and the guy...

I said, can you give my ears a bit of a once-over? And he said, well, sorry, I didn't notice. He said, the air in your ears is actually blonde. So I've got... My ears are blondes, as it turns out. I'm thinking that they might be perhaps Scandinavian. How odd, though. And, yeah.

Yeah. So I've had the hairs on the right one, I've had moulded, you can see. You see that? Into a sort of a Hulk Hogan moustache. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's good.

We are Absolute Radio, and right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. Frank, you've had some texts in on 8.12.15. Hi, Frank the Cockerel and Gorgeous M. They said it, not me. They did.

I shout at people on Antiques Roadshow who are thrilled at a low estimate for their treasured possessions. Oh, I've shouted at that as well. Have you? They are complete liars. That's Gary and Somerset, by the way. I shout at people on Antiques Roadshow who are thrilled at a low estimate for their treasured possessions. Oh, I've shouted at that as well. They are complete liars. That's Gary and Somerset, by the way. Yeah, they are... They're gotted. You can see they're totally gotted. Absolutely.

And I'd say that's worth £200. Oh, really? £200? Thinking it was £2 million, possibly. I have the reverse of that almost. When people go on those daytime programmes to sell a thing in order to pay for their conservatory or whatever and you go, well you're never going to get the best price on a television programme, are you?

Just sell it yourself There's people now who work 40-odd weeks raging at you, shouting at the radio and I think it's alright for you sitting watching your daytime television Oh yeah, yeah I work nights. Doubt pit. I work nights.

I like to shout at Countdown, someone has said. 436. Frank, I like to shout at Countdown. That clock seems to take forever nowadays. From Alan in Dalkeith. Dalkeith. That clock seems to take forever. I like the fact that it's slowed down over the years. I shout at Countdown, but since they've changed Carol Vorderman,

she's nice, isn't she, the replacement? The new one. Rachel Riley. Oh, gorgeous. Oh, you're a fan. Very attractive. Not that I've seen it often, but if I shouted, I couldn't broadcast it. You'll bear that in mind. File it under type. You wouldn't shout, surely. You'd actually shout at a woman like that. Oh, no.

She's a very big Man United fan, apparently. Is she? Is she? Has that dampened your ardour? Frank, also, 8.15. Very scary moment this morning when I made toast. The burnt colour on my bread created a haunting devil-like vision. It was the faces of Ant and Dec.

Oh, there you go. There you go. That's from 412. We're laughing about this now, but I tell you, when slowly this comes to fruition... I believe it'll be on Judgment Day. Yeah, when is that? When is the last episode? This is Judgment Day, isn't it, according to you?

I must say, though, in defence of Simon Cowell, I watched The X Factor this week and thoroughly enjoyed it. And at the end, I laughed as much as I've laughed at anything for a long time. They interviewed Kelly Rowlands, and she seemed to be on the car park on her own at the end. It was all dark. She was just on the car park, in a hurry, talking about one of the acts. And I thought, Kelly Rowlands drives herself to and from the X Factor

it certainly made my night we're all different now Frank can I tell you what I particularly enjoyed this week was Madonna getting caught, there was a bit of a kerfuffle she was caught being rather ungracious did you see this?

I've seen this well her mic was still on it was a bit of a did you smash it moment i'm afraid it wasn't quite as bad as that gordon brown moment no yeah exactly that that bigoted woman all in that area yeah um but she said a fan had given her these these flowers and she said under her breath she hissed i think can say, I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. And then she said, which I really liked, he obviously doesn't even know that.

As if that was the worst thing ever. Well, he hasn't done his swatting off, he hasn't done his Madonna cramming, calls himself a fan, he doesn't know my floral likes and dislikes. Get out of here! Hello! I bet she said that after. But I've double-checked.

It's not even on her Wikipedia page. Is it not? The Hydrangea. Oh, really? I just love the fact that she's got a firmly held opinion about Hydrangeas. Well, I... Yeah, I don't have any firmly held... Lilies sometimes make me cough a bit, but other than that...

Extraordinary! Yeah, they do. They're overwhelming. But I think it's partly... But is that when you dry and smoke them? But it's partly that Madonna's got that many exes that there's probably not a flower or a chocolate on Earth

that doesn't cause some kind of emotional reaction. Yeah, but do you think people turned up at Madonna's with flowers? It seems unlikely. And chocolate! The Miller Ice gave me hydrangeas! We've had... I can actually say that we've had three bunches frank in the install offices this week after this i think she started something yeah she's gonna make hydrangeas yes yes i think so but it's not that's no i mean you that's no way to receive a gift.

No. I'm very good at that. That's something I do very well. Receiving hydrangeas. Gift reception. Is that a hint? No, gift reception is one of my talents. What's your system?

Oh, there's a big system we have going on. Bear in mind, before you say this, every gift I've given you now, I'm going to think, oh, I thought she really liked it, but in fact she's got it. I was just thinking the same. It's not that i don't like it it's just it's just that i feel the charade has to be gone through because i don't want to offend anyone right so do you want to know the system yeah okay so when you receive the gift gift firstly i'd give it a little shake

little comedy shake just to show the sort of anticipation they're excited it always goes down well that then when you get open very slowly very slowly don't do it in haste right when you then open i normally find at this point an omg is good an omg is called for do you actually say omg no i do i don't care i don't care who's giving me the gift. I will always say, oh, my God! Really? Have I done that to you? Even it was, what about that prayer book you got from the Pope? I think we'll come back to this.

I'm intrigued. I'm going to play one of my little old tracks. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Oh, sorry, that was... I don't like hydrangeas. Oh, sorry. That was the wines with Take Care of Yourself.

I love it. It's kind of like the Everly Brothers gone weird. It is. That will satisfy 417, who has texted in saying, could Frank play some music, please? Thanks. Yeah, but what does that mean? Well, I'm worried that's a reflection on my gift reception anecdote. Will you all stop chattering?

Does that mean we're talking too much? Now we've introduced the idea of us talking too much to everyone who's listening, who hadn't even struck me, now we get loads of people saying just play non-stop music like what they do on Absolute 80s. Yeah, well if you want that, just change channels. No, that's what we don't say. I've just felt there's a power surge.

Just really the temperature's gone down several degrees in the studio. No, don't stay with us and we'll just make sure the talk is red hot. Not black. It's definitely not black. Gift reception. Oh yeah. So Frank, do you want to know

the end to my gift reception? Yeah, go on, what do you do next? Some of it is sounding a bit familiar from when I've given you a gift. I think this is what you did when you recently got a birthday slash housewarming gift from the show. So we'd got to OMG Frank frank omg which i've employed i've got i actually did omg when i got a secondhand little britain annual i mustered up an omg from my father thanks dad i thought that

was gonna say david walliams soaking wet as well he brought it by uh he brought it by river. I also employed OMG when I got a diamond necklace from James Coburn. Don't ask. James Coburn gave you a diamond necklace? Yes. That is absolutely brilliant. I know. Was this before Gavin and Stacey or after? No, I know who James Coburn is.

It was a joke. Good boy. He was in one of the Magnificent Seven, gave you a diamond necklace. Yeah. Do you still have it? Yes. Well, I lost it temporarily.

I got in terrible trouble, but it was rediscovered, so that was good. I bet there's a tale on that that we'll hear off air. Porn brokers in Streatham. The school fees are expensive. So, Frank, how you finish this off, the gift reception,

is that when you have to pretend to be immersed in the gift, so everyone else is talking and you're carrying on, you love it so much, you say, oh, sorry, sorry, I just love this so much. You keep looking at it. I've used that one when you really stare at it, because I can't look them in the eye often. They've given me a rubbish gift.

You definitely did this, Emily. Yeah. Emily yeah definitely see you shouldn't give away all your all your little don't you do it though Frank well I've had a terrible gift experience this week and this is slightly difficult to discuss because the person I bought it for was in the room oh god but it was a supplementary gift so it's all right it's It's a second. It wasn't the main. Is this your manager? Yeah. I decided it would be a good idea to get, because he's a bit of a wine drinker, my manager. How dare you? He actually lives on waste ground in the East End of London.

I mean, there was a time, you know, we had our golden days. I think my British TV award is still in one of the 19 carrier bags he has with him at all times. But I thought one of the things I could get for him as a present... This is a birthday ice cream.

No, no, it's our anniversary. We won't go into details. But I thought I'll get him a lovely decanter. Lovely. For the wine. Lovely. Oh, God, it's smashing. Lovely decanter. Beautiful. For the wine. Lovely. So I got it. It was smashing. Lovely decanter.

Beautiful. Very sale essential. Love it. And I thought I'd get it engraved. And so I got it engraved. Lovely message. And it looked like it might have been done by one of the great apes with a six-inch nail. It was the most horrible, cheap, nasty piece of of ink or it wasn't cheap it's an awful

and i couldn't get any kind of a refund oh no the bloke said you know that's um you know that that's that's my best job i said i'm over here mate he's talking to a pile of books on the counter. So now, obviously, I've got something else. But it means I'm left now with a wine decanter. Bear in mind, I'm a recovering alcoholic. With a wine decanter with a message, a badly written message for someone else. And I'm thinking, maybe I could use it as a bed urinal because i don't know about you but i'm getting up in the night it's getting a bigger chore

for me and i was thinking about getting you know maybe if this is such a thing as a hiwi i don't know but the trouble is I don't like the idea of my urine rushing past an affectionate message in the early hours. But it was a real disappointment. I just want to smash it up the wall. What I wanted to do when he handed it me, this bloke, was basically break it on the counter and then threaten him with the broken remains in my hand.

Oh, Frank, did you smash it? Oh, they could say jobs. Still, it's always talk sport. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tom Petty won't back down. My motto? That's, yeah, that's how he got his surname. Oh, I like that, Frank.

Yeah. Frank, we've had a text. Oh, Simon in Cambridge just bought tickets to see the fall for the first time, largely thanks to your enthusiasm for them. Well, that's great, isn't it? Yeah. That's what Billy Graham must have felt like when people walked up to the front of his things

and said, I have found the Lord. That's brilliant. We need Billy Graham now. We need him on BBC at the same time that Black or Red is on ITV. This has been one of the most religious first hours we've ever done. I like the way Frank's now technically calling it Black or Red. Illustrating his contempt for the format. Did I call it Black or Red?

Yeah, which I like. You referred to it as black and red. Red and black, you called it, which would be the next stage. No, that's... When Simon Cowell decides that the public are too stupid to decide between, they just have to pick both colours. And still not win. Anyway, have we been too religious?

Thanks for that warning. I'll lay off. I'll back off. I wouldn't tell you it was too religious. Now, can I tell you why I said red and black. Well, I thought it was a dramatisation of the Stendhal novel, the red and the scarlet and the black. I heard that Psycho were working on one of those.

Yeah. Very disappointing when I tuned in. We've had a very good joke texted in by 131. You know, you were talking about your decanter gift that you got badly engraved by accident. Yes. Frank, give your decanter as a prize on Red or Black.

Decanter! That is absolutely amazing. 131. I'm going to marry 131. That's how good it is. I think they are bringing out a sequel, Ant and Dick, which is a basic mocking of the Holy Communion sacrament called Red or White,

in which the wine is chosen and put into a deck. Sorry, have I already backed down on my no more religion in the first half? I was just thinking, would there be rosé for people that are caught in the middle? No, there's no grey areas without some deck, not anymore. Fair enough. Not that they are beholden to nowadays. But on the subject of the old decanter, I was wondering if other people buy themselves gifts,

because I don't, as a rule. The one time I've had a go at it, I nearly got myself an iPhone at the start of this year because I was approaching a birthday and I phoned up Orange and was put off it because I got a call centre heavy breather

you know when you phone a call centre and somebody's got their mic too near and they end up a bit oh that's what they're doing I couldn't make my mind up if the bloke was clinically obese and couldn't breathe silently, or if he was just excited at Apple products because he was going, oh, I'll just check the tariff for you. It's going to be about £36 a month. It sounds like you'd got the Lancashire version of the Death Star. It was

too weird. I was thinking on the phone, your one job now is to not creep me out, and that is what you're doing. And so eventually I sort of left it. But I know somebody who last week bought themselves a Porsche as a present. 39th birthday and got himself a Porsche. That's... I can't remember if it was red or black,

but apparently it took an hour and a half to divide it. It would have been one or the other. You see, I imagined all your friends were crofters and that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. He's a dry stone waller. He's done well, hasn't he? All that money he saved on cement he spent on a flash car.

That was one of the other jobs on Red or Black. Was it? Pig farmer. Pig farmer in Yorkshire. We've got our pig farmer in Yorkshire. I don't want to know about your animals as well, Ant and Dec. We've already met the rest of the staff. No, but they've got lots of connections in the pig industry.

That's where they get their blood from, for the black masses. The post-show black masses they conduct. I love that that weird woman wanted to make a boxing film as well. With the money. She was great. She slightly ruined the format for them. Yeah, there was two people in the final. And one bloke said, well, my family have had a really tough time, you know.

While Adele sung in the background. And I want to help them out. And the other woman said, yeah, I want to make a boxing film, basically about me and about my life. And the audience seemed to side with the bloke who was going to help out his family. Right. Yeah, back the wrong horse there.

Yeah, they did. So, yeah, I've never bought myself a porsche i don't know if you can buy yourself a gift isn't that just buying something i was gonna say that's just life for me yeah that's essentially my day but getting yourself a birthday gift or something does seem it seems just a bit wrong i suppose it's that that thing of getting to a certain age where you go, well, I could leave it to other people, but I'm not going to get what I want, so I may as well just buy myself the gift. Well, you know, perhaps someone could have bought him a car voucher,

and then he could have gone and got a deluxe car of his own. A Porsche voucher. Well, one of my most favourite gifts is a voucher of any kind, so I'm thinking they should have vouchers for anything. Really? And, yeah, a Porsche voucher. That would be good, yeah. Brilliant.

Yeah, don't you love it when you get, like, a book voucher and you think, I know I get to choose? No. Yeah. I love that. You do? All right, fair enough. It's a voucher, isn't it?

The nice thing is, as well, you can go inside the card so you don't need the extra present. Yeah, you serve a bit on packages. You know when you used to get that card from your uncle Dave with a fiver in it, that kind of thing? I love that. Real money in the post. Oh, yeah.

That's like the best thing ever. My parents always got to it first, sadly. Yeah. Gary Coleman, ladies and gentlemen. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. Once again I am caught mid-custard cream.

Oh, no. I've got into this eating food because of the alliteration I had at Eat this week. You know Eat, the sort of snack? Oh, no. I've got into this eating food because of the alliteration. I had at Eat this week, you know Eat, the sort of snack? Oh, yes. They had steak and stilt and pies, and I chose that pie particularly for the alliteration. Do you know, my mouth's watering. That sounds lovely. It is actually, you're actually, oh, that's not very nice.

You've got a tissue for Emily. I start to salivate even at the words lime pickle. Every time. Where's the alliteration in that? There's no alliteration. There's a sort of an internal... You don't have to have an alliterative pie, Frank, for it to work. I love an alliterative pie.

Anyway, pecan. That's a good one. Pecan pie. You can text us at 8-12-15 for anything. Frank, there's been a bit of cockerel action this week. Pardon? Oh, don't look at me. Well, the cockerel's gone...

It's like webcam. Actually, Anton Deckler left one nailed to my door. Dead. Is that relevant? The agents of Satan, for those of you who've just joined us. That was on the news. That's not very nice about their management, Frank. Yeah, just come up on the news, apparently. They've been associated with Lucifer.

Officially. No, this was a different cockerel. OK. He was from a different barnyard. This was the eminent neurologist from north london he's called dr cockrell actually well that's a good thing to call if he's a neurologist yeah yeah he's a neurologist slash chicken but he he's had a problem with he had a problem with squatters did you read about this alan i did see this yes well they there was an 11 strong group the newspapers called them

which i liked but they invaded his house, lovely couple, lovely house. They invaded it and they decided they left in the end, which was quite nice of them because they felt guilty because his wife was pregnant. Yes, I did see this and I want you to know that, I mean, I don't normally look for stories about squatting, but somebody told me that he was called Dr Cockerel and I was amused

I think you'll probably start calling yourself that in a sort of Dr Fox kind of way. Why not? Why not just promote myself I liked it, not least because it said the squat has invaded the one million pound home of a Harley Street neurologist

and on the pictures it's just a normal three bedroom and I imagine people reading the paper in the north of England would be going bananas. Must wonder what the hell's going on. That's what we pay up here. Yeah, but there's some funny pictures of the squatters leaving and they've got bin bags on their faces with holes ripped for the eyes and mouth.

And it looks a bit like sort of the IRA at at a festival or something it's a bit of a weird look it's a bit it's like the outfit i wore for the last solar eclipse i watched the whole thing through a bin bag did you yeah you gotta you gotta watch your retinas was that the medical advice at the time yeah well you have to find a filter you know i don't have um those kind of things just lying around the house. He clips goggles. Why would a bin bag do anything? Because it does, it's good. That's a little tip for anyone who's off to a solar eclipse this afternoon.

Take a bin bag and watch through that. You could watch it through a muslin gauze or something, couldn't you? And you're very likely to pull as well if you're sitting there in a bin bag with your eyes ripped out. Oh, yeah. Well, you know. I love all that. Yeah, but they did look... They didn't look like poor people, the squatters.

They looked to me like people who just had a gap year in Central America, judging by their clothes. It's funny you should say that, Frank, because they ordered a taxi. They got on Addison Lee. They got a taxi to their next squat. They should have had a friend called Spider with a van. That's what a squatter has. But it was nearby, wasn't it?

It was only 300 yards. They went up the road. Also, I don't think you're supposed to have your next squat lined up. It's not supposed to be like that, is it? It's rolled over the pocket like snooker. I must say, I mean, Jen, I don't mind squatters if they're in, like, public buildings. But I think in the private home... I must...

If I'm going to be completely honest, and I'm not proud of this, I was reading this story, I read it on the internet, and I scrolled down and I thought, this is outrageous. Poor Dr Cockrell, this is wrong. And then when I saw him and his wife and I thought, well actually she's a bit young for him, I'm starting to get on the side of the squatters. I've got, they should get

one, I've got an anti-squatter thing. I've got a sulphuric acid sprinkler system that responds to marijuana smoke Oh, that's really... So once they're in, now within 25 minutes I don't think there's ever been a squatter that didn't smoke marijuana That would nip that in the bud

Your anti-squatter system was John Prescott, wasn't it? He was He was your neighbour He did live in the same block, it's true He just hit them but i don't know about you though it's a hot i'm not that keen not very keen on having friends in the house well they can become squatters very easily so the idea of some grubby junky students turning up when i'm not there and settling themselves in, I do find pretty horrific thought.

You really did read this on the Daily Mail online. Robby junkie students. Yeah, but you know when you've got friends round, and when it comes to half past ten, you can say the sweetest thing that you like to them, but it's impossible to end a sentence with, and now get out, without offending people. No.

We are Absolute Radio, and right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. That's the fall with The Steak Place. There's probably people across the country buying tickets online now. I hope so. What, for The Steak Place? Give them a bit of an appetite. Oh, Frank, could you clear up

a query, please, briefly? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I was listening to some of the old podcasts and wondered if Frank is still wearing his underpants for two days running. That's Gary and Godalming. Gary and Godalming, I like. I wonder if he has a steak and stilton pie. No, I

stopped doing that. In fact, my girlfriend wasn't aware of the fact that I wore them for two days on the trot until she heard it on air. And when I got back, she told me it had to stop. It was a bit of a deal breaker, as it turned out. Really? Yeah. Who knew? Yeah, she wondered what that crackling was in the laundry bin.

Oh, my God! Frank! So now I'm a one-a-day man. I've had to go to Primark and buy in bulk. Now I have. I'm now just thinking of pork crackling being in your laundry basket. I'll tell you something.

That's funny you bring that up. Did you read that pork scratchings have become a superfood? No. Oh, have they? Yeah, you know, I've always associated them with, you know, unhealthiness. Yeah. But apparently they've got, it's this thing you was on about, Alan, the other week,

they've got the right kind of fat. Oh, yeah. Good fat. Yeah, they've got good fat. And there's no carbohydrates or sugars almost at all in a pork scratch. Well, it's basically, you know... Well, they're practically Atkins. Yeah. If you're very lucky, a hair.

You do get the odd... I'd say one a bag, yeah. Yeah, at least one hairy one. I like the variety. You also get... You know, some scratchings, they're hostile to being eaten. It's like eating a very salty nut and bolt but really you think no one could get through this and then you'll have one like that you're really strong you have to suck it for ages you

have to suck it to make it moist and then your next one you think you're ready for that and it's like eating lipstick it's the savory version of the Toblerone isn't it yeah I like the deep analysis of the scratch you know when you suddenly get the soft one? They go... And it's gone. They just dissolve. That was the sound effect of somebody getting the soft scratching. I'm going to do it again.

I was thinking I didn't even see you press the button. No, I'm doing them live now with the scratching sound effect. But what about that? Trip down memory lane. It's ages since I've had a pork scratch in. Ages. I don't generally like any food that has to be ripped off a pub wall. Do you know what I mean?

I don't want that in my mouth. Cockroaches. Yes, or me in the 1980s. Anyway. So, the cockerel, I wanted to ask you, because wasn't... Not Doc Cockerel. No, not Dr Cock. Did they call him Doc Cock?

Dr Cock. I would imagine. Doc Cocken. Yeah, it's gone the cockerel. Didn't Cockerel Junior... Cockerel Junior. It's not easy to say, is it? I know.

CJ. CJ. Yeah, yeah. We can call him CJ. It was his first day at school. It was his first day at school. Done the first week. Done the first week. Done the first week.

It's all gone swimmingly. Has he gone swimming? No, he's not been swimming. Oh, OK. But he won't tell us anything he's done. When we pick him up, how was today? Good. What did you learn?

Nothing. We just played. What did you have for lunch? Can't remember. No. Proper, like, little boy. Where's he at school? GCHQ?

Yeah, yeah. He's in training for spies. He is a very secretive child. It's funny you should say that, because there was a weird moment on the first day when I went to collect him, and the parents sort of stand outside a little doorway, and the teaching assistant sort of stands there, and so you walk up and you say the name of the child, so I went up, and there was a bit of confusion where I said, I'm here for Cockerell Junior. But then they sort of... Aren't we all, dear? I confusion where I said, I'm here for Cockerell Junior. But then they sort of...

Aren't we all, dear? Of course. But then the kids walk out into the... It's a bit of a weird, like, hostages being released from an embassy moment. I'm actually going to try and hothouse him into walking out with his hands behind his head like that. But very strange. And then we went for a pint.

With the Cockrell Junior? Me, my wife and the boy. You didn't take CJ into the hostel, did you? We did. We went and had a pint and a bag of crisps. I was thinking, God, if this is how we are when he's four, what are we going to be like when he's in a difficult time at 14? Having liquid lunches. Is this why you walk to pick him

up from school because so you can have a drink well it's also because we live really conveniently close to the school and i am a bit tut tutty about how many people are doing the school run the catchment area is only a mile there must be a way that they could just walk it come on i agree with you it's like a festival of bad driving down there. The spatial awareness that people have not got near that school, honestly. It's ladies, isn't it? I think for them, it's

licensed to park wherever you like, isn't it? That's it. It really is. I can't bear that school run thing. I can't bear it. No, but walk. When did you do a school run? I have to navigate these people when I'm going in to do a day's work. There was a fabulous moment today when Emma...

We were talking about child names. Yes. And Emma's friend was in the studio who's pregnant. And Emily mentioned the name, a child's name. And this woman said, oh, God, I like the sound of that. And Emily said, you can't have that. I'm keeping it for a cat. Don't use that as a baby name, Septimus.

Yeah, I love the idea that the cat gets first dibs. Defo first dibs. Or do you mean first tibs? Very difficult. Very difficult area. Who lives in a difficult area? Dr Cockrell. He does.

Dr Cockrell, yeah. I remember my first day at school, we were kept in because of an air raid. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. He obviously didn't know. I can't stand them. That was R.E.M. Orange Crush. That reminds me of when I was stuck

in a lift with Cat Dealey. Fang. Yes. Oh, I tell you what happened to me. You know I often talk on here about the worry of the years advancing on me. You know what I'm talking about? And I stopped wearing jeans recently because I thought they were a young man's game. He did replace them with something else.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. Well, I thought if I'm going to wear one pair of pants a day, I might as well show them off. Nothing to hide now. No, so I'm going to wear one pair of pants today, I might as well show them off. Nothing to hide now. No, so I wear a trouser now. And this week I had a second. I mean, I'm steadily crossing out the opportunities. I looked at myself in a T-shirt and thought, you know, maybe to offer a T-shirt.

Really, Frank? Is this a round neck T-shirt? Well, you know, yeah, a classic T. Oh, he's not going down the cowl V-neck route. Oh, definitely not going down there. And not unless it ends at my knees. The V. Oh, God.

No, so I'm now thinking I'm basically left with a suit. That's the only thing I can wear. Which has its pluses because you may not be aware of this, but when you do a TV show, they often put you in a suit and you get to keep the suit at the end of it. I did a one-off show last night, lovely suit at the end of it. I did a pilot a couple of weeks ago, got a nice suit out of that. So I'm getting a lot of suits. I'm going to give them some wear.

I'm literally racking them up. They're on a rack. They sound racked up. And I've got a tie. I get edgy about a tie. I'll tell you for why. My dad once told me he got in a big fight

on a pub car park and the man's dog got a grip on his tie and it wouldn't let go of my dad's tie and he said it was very restricting in the ensuing combat. It was nearly choking him while the bloke was hitting him. They operated as a team, man and dog together. Well, in a way, beautiful, but... Yeah, in another way. Probably didn't have the time to appreciate it. hitting him they operated as a team that man and dog together well it's so beautiful but yeah probably i didn't have the time to appreciate it so frank so i'm assuming what given that you have

you've cracked out the hoodie today it's just in case anyone's wondering it's the cad file shade of brown the brown yeah um but i think hoodies for pleasure and then suits for business. Well, I was thinking hoodies for paparazzi shots. You know, I like to see a contrast in a paparazzi shot. I could take a leaf out of Britney Spears' book and go for the big drink. You know, the extra large Pepsi with straw in the plastic container. Or a huge coffee, yeah. Massive coffees that they have. Yeah, and bad skin.

And have that for the paparazzi show. But I'm on about, I've got so many suits now. We're just wearing them all the time, doing the radio show in a suit. Would you feel comfortable at this time of day in a suit? Well, this is something I need to address because I don't feel quite comfortable. One thing I like about a suit? Well, this is something I need to address because I don't feel quite comfortable. I mean, one thing

I like about a suit is I love the sort of pocket fest that a suit, jacket and trousers combine. I've got a three-piece suit that has a multitude of pockets when you factor in a waistcoat. Are you meaning sweet? A three-piece suit.

No, I'm kidding. Oh, it's got a little waistcoat affectation,-piece suit. No, I'm sorry. Oh, OK. Oh, it's got a little waistcoat affectation, hasn't it? Is it upholstered? I've got a couch covered in combat trouser pockets. I don't think I've ever seen you in a suit. Well, it happens, let me tell you. Do you perform in a suit?

I do occasionally. I know it's a personal question, but you've gone for it. I see him in a sort of Pete Doherty skinny tie, slightly indie kid. I've got a smart mod style suit but i've got others so i went through a phase because i i had almost the opposite of what you've got of of growing out of uh t-shirts i in my early 30s felt that it was weird and i had an arrested development that i couldn't relax in a suit and that i was immature and therefore i should conquer this demon and grow up and so I started wearing

suits every now and again, used to get them cheap in TK Maxx, keeping it real, didn't get them free on the telly, but now I've got a few suits that I wear now and again, you know sometimes on the telly, sometimes not but I'm talking about, you know that Quentin Crisp said that what you should do is pick your style

and then get rid of everything that doesn't fit you and stick religiously to that. Yeah. That sounds a good idea, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm on about wearing a suit. I mean, literally lazing around the house in a suit and tie. Well, you're going to have to get crumply fabric, aren't you? Well, it's all right if it's crumpled.

Corduroy. I've got a house for. Frank, don't go T-shirt with suit, very Saturday's manager. No, no, I'm not doing that. Do you know what I mean? I don't like that. Oh, no, T-shirt, suit, white trainers. You need to be playing bass for Krista Burke. I won't be reduced to that.

Here's another one of mine. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast Absolute Radio And the other thing is when you get a new jacket and the pockets are stitched up Oh yeah It's like you've been locked out of your own house

Oh yeah No you can't get your And the vent at the back You know the vent? Oh sometimes they stitch the vent They always stitch the vent Occasionally see people that have forgotten to unstitch the vent walking about and you think it's like my civic duty to tell you you're meant to unpick that and get on with your life. I stitched the vent, I was working

in Romford Eye and when Ray Allen came in with Lord Charles he'd been assaulted. Oh my God. So, well you're a a pretty little thing, aren't you? Lord Charles said to me. Oh, those were the days. Tell me, when you're outside of school now, do they still have that, like, metal barrier? That sort of scaffolding, mini scaffolding? What's that? Oh, I don't think we had that.

We had it to stop us running straight out of school into the road. I remember being, like, winded by that metal barrier. You used to physically run at it. There's proper full-on fencing now. Fencing, there's everything. It's cheesy, HQ. Not with a sabre. We had a gravel drive.

Oh. Oh. No, it's all health and safety now. I wish we had a sound effect for that. Gravel drive. Oh, speaking of drives... Oh, Oh. No, it's all health and safety. I wish we had a sound effect for that. Gravel drive. Oh, speaking of drives. Oh, yeah. What about this, did you see that thing about people are making driving dangerous because of car accessories?

Yes. Oh, I was incandescent with rage about this. What's candescent? A gay club in Manchester. Yeah. They called it... I was wearing a suit with a T-shirt under it. Yeah, that was your vent.

Unstitched. They called it, Frank, ornamental clutter, they called it. They called it ornamental clutter. Frank, I'm talking, we're back in the car now. No, I know, ornamental clutter, yeah. That's what the AA called it. Things like baby on board you know they have those stickers yes trying to encourage you to drive safely because otherwise

you'd crash into the person yeah um and furry dice furry die which i have people still do you still have them you've got you had to rush in there because you're about to be rude about the furry dice people i used to have baby on board sticker but that was when I was a vivisectionist. I drove past a pig farming lorry the other day that had babe on board. Really? That would be a great one.

You should bring that out. That could be commercially viable. Yeah, yeah. Gap in the market, innit? My other pig's a pork. Scratching. My other pig's a pork scratching. But the idea that he's only got two pigs,

what kind of a pig farmer would that be? I suppose if he was in a smart car, he might have to transport them all at the time. Have you ever tried to get a pig in a smart car? No, I haven't. Well, what a party that was. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast.

Oh, that was really good, Mario. Well, it's funny you should do that, Frank. Not that funny, looking back. Well, actually it is. Because I've had a text in from Oliver Young. Is it just me, or does everyone who sings on Frank's songs sound like Frank singing? Oh, they're on to me.

All my choices are in fact me, in a studio with some session musicians. I'm waiting for one of them to break and it hasn't happened yet. Well, I took that as a compliment because I only picked the very finest of the car lists. So that is good. What was we talking about? We were talking about car accessories. Oh, yes.

And just things we didn't like really in cars. Because I have a thing, I hate a coat hanger in the back. Oh, dear. Oh, it makes me feel sick. But there is that special kind of... I don't know, look, I'm never quite sure whether it's a hand thing to hold on to if you're a bit frightened of the driver. Or if you're supposed to hang your suit on it.

Well, I'll tell you what, it's something that you'll encounter soon. If you switch to your constantly wearing suits, you'll be driving in a suit. You'll need a driving suit. Frank, don't don't do that why not don't embrace the hanger it just looks very it's very i might have a suit stitched into the driving seat and just velcro in you'll have to start saying what are you driving these days yeah and i don't want you to be that person no i definitely i definitely won't be doing that and also if you're wearing a suit you couldn't do what i do and uh unloosen your belt to drive don't you do that when you do this show so i do sometimes i haven't today in edinbury what did you say i put it on driving mode put my belt on drive settings you don't need to do that because you don't have a sort of house of commons

gut no it's all very it's all very felt the belt offers a ridge to dig in and uh you know i don't like the discomfort i don't know about you but if i get in a minicab and the bloke has got like rosary beads or something like islamic beads or something hanging from the uh from the thing i always think this is a religious person probably not as frightened of death as your average atheist and that'll have a negative effect on their driving. Oh, I see. So there's a time and place for atheists in your life. Exactly. That's what you want.

You want atheist drivers. When you see those drivers has got the family, the kids and that, you think, well, they'll be a bit more careful. Baby on mind. Oh, I don't like those. I don't like those pictures the cab drivers hang up. So, Holy Communion pictures, I don't like those. No, they can be a bit frightening. I agree with you. I was thinking, I don't like those. I don't like those pictures the cab drivers hang up, sort of Holy Communion pictures. I don't like those. No, well, they can be a bit frightening.

I agree with you. I was thinking, I was on the motorway only last week, and I was thinking to myself, wouldn't it be good if there was, when you did your driving test, there was an IQ test as well, and only the most intelligent people would be allowed in the fast lane on the motorway,

and then the quite intelligent people in the middle lane. And then fools just had to stay on the inside lane. There would be a lot less accidents on the motorway. I agree. Yeah. I thought you might. I look to you for my support instinctively. He's a man who does quite a bit of driving.

That sounds like a great plan. That would be perfectly reasonable, I think. Yeah. You know, I mean, I think. Oh, yeah. You know, I mean, if you go and buy... I mean, for example, the morning after, I think, the third episode of Red or Black, I went out to get a firearm licence. And you can't just...

You have to make sure you're of sound mind. I didn't offer any motivations. I didn't even say I'd seen the programme. But you can't just go and get a shotgun licence just like that. So why should you be allowed to drive at... What's the outside lane limit? Outside lane limit about 120, is it? Fine.

You shouldn't be allowed to drive at those speeds if you're an imbecile. Richard Hammond does. Yeah, look what happened to him. He ripped the bottom of his jeans. They're all ragged now at the bottom. And he also thinks it's alright to wear a ragged jean with a black shiny boot.

I mean, there's brain damage and there's brain damage. Anybody should move to just wearing a suit all the time. It's people like that. Richard Hammond, yeah. Cut your hair. Yeah. All of you three.

I think you should move to wearing a concrete suit and go aqua. That's my advice to her. But on the car clutter thing, I find it weird when people stuff the back window full of teddies. Oh, that's creepy. And there's a... I mean, I'm glad to have read that story, because it put to bed a thought of mine. You know when people tie a CD to the rear-view mirror?

What is that CD thing? I've always thought that is insanity. But it turns out there's an urban myth that having a CD on there stops speed cameras going off which is nonsense, everyone knows that Is that why they do it? I always assumed it was a coaster You put hairspray on the licence plate, that's what you really want That's another urban myth

What puts me off teddy bears on the back thing is I think if I was involved in a, if they're on the back sill and I'm involved in a terrible accident I shoot through the windscreen it's going to be that moment just before impact where I'll be overtaken by some teddy bears. That's not the last thing I want to be aware of as I

smash into oblivion. Well if they're heavier than you are surely. Yeah. Speaking of mortality and the road I got in a friend's car the other week and she had the first one I've ever seen. It's a black magic tree.

Oh. Oh, that's for the Goths. I don't know. I think it was a hearse special. Yeah. No, have you ever heard? No. What flavour would that be?

Like licorice? No, I don't. Aniseed, maybe? I don't like that. Yeah, apparently when she bought the car, there was also one with a red magic tree. Oh, so she had a choice? Yeah.

Between what was it? I think it was, was it again black or... Yeah. And, um... Yeah, when she looked in the passenger seat, lo and behold, there was Lucifer. But I must say, well, that car had great horns. Didn't he have a seatbelt on, did he?

No, he doesn't need a seatbelt, the devil. What's the worst thing that can happen? You don't want him coming through the windscreen with a trident held forward. There'd be a sort of a... Anyway, that's enough about that. Look, if you want to listen to... Unbelievably, if you want to listen to more of a sort of a when he went in anyway that's enough about that look if you want to listen to unbelievably if you want to listen to more of this sort of stuff you can download not the weekend podcast that'll be available from wednesday morning vicky blight

is next lovely vicky and i think we're just about done for the day now i had a letter this week um so that sound effects that's not radio force, not a real letter. I've got a little bloke in a brown overall who does that. And this is from Steve, the car delivery man from Noak in Worcester. And he says, I really miss you saying good day to you at the end of the programme. And I don't like the end of line that you've replaced it with. And since you've done that that life has been less happy so I'm sorry to hear

about that, anyway that's about all from us End of line We are Absolute Radio and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast Absolute Radio