The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Riddles and Superheros

Episode Date: March 1, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss Britain's superhero 'The Statesman' and India's man of many wives.

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Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Gareth Richards, Emily Dean, I've got pig eyes. I haven't said that for a long time. I don't know where that quite came from. Anyway, welcome to our listeners, whether you're on the street, sitting at home. Maybe you're, say you could be somewhere in West Africa, maybe leaning over an old computer you've managed to knock together. This is your big contact with the old country. It's not all like this, but some of it is. What?

The old country, yeah. I know, it's not all like this. Would that it were that's what I say so thank you, welcome I'm thanking you just for listening you have to go the extra mile to listen to the podcast I think radio is not that difficult

you could do it accidentally in a shop but you've gone there you've subscribed or you've downloaded we love you for that my favourite story of the week can i say before we go any further i think of the well probably the year so far was the man from birmingham who has decided to become a uh i'm calling him a superhero he's not claiming any powers i think of any particular kind he's a crime fighter isn't he he is and uh i've often you know fantasized about

doing just that myself i have about going out is it is it a brummie thing maybe well if you fantasize and i've tried both if you fantasize about eating normal peaceful law-abiding uh citizens you feel all right about it's exciting for a bit then you start to feel a terrible sense of guilt but with the criminals, you do feel you could really lie into them. If you were, like, someone tried to mug you and you managed to overpower them, I don't think you need to leave them alone

until they're basically flat, so they look like a bare-skin rug. So the whole skeleton has been flattened by your persistent punching and kneeing. So I can see that he's called the statesman. Yes, he is. Which is, I'm loving that as well. Yeah.

He wears a Union Jack top, Frank. Could he not stretch to a onesie? Because traditionally that is what a crime-fighting superhero should wear. Just wearing black trousers. In the kick-ass mould. I think you'll find that he's on the slope to superheroism. I think he's started like that. I mean, the thing I was least happy with was the Union Jack top.

It's a suggestion of some sort of fascistic element, which I didn't... Oh, you're not wrong. Yeah. I wish he'd have gone for, you know, stars, that kind of thing. They go lightning flashes. Do you know what, Frank? It's a bit cobbled together, his costume, like when you dressed up as a cowboy as a child and put on wellies and jeans. Yeah, but you try, you know, stars, that kind of thing. They go lightning flashes. Do you know what, Frank? It's a bit cobbled together, his costume, like when you dressed up as a cowboy as a child and put on wellies

and jeans. Yeah, but you try, you know. No, you dressed up as Superman, didn't you? Batman. Batman. And what did you wear, Frank? I wore jeans from in Trunks Wellington. But it's a Birmingham thing. High school jumper. Well, he's got a mask of Zorro, hasn't he? Yes. And then a Union Jack top and fingerless

gloves. To be fair to him, have you ever tried shopping for a superhero outfit? It's all very well you're casting aspersions, but he's had to make do and mend. I mean, that's the nature of it. Even I tried to find that top online.

Why? Well, I just thought, how easy was it to get that top? Because, you know, not that I'm thinking of becoming a superhero. They love it at Fonzie's Leathers. In Sparkbrook. Yeah, and I couldn't find it and I did, you know, not that I'm thinking of becoming a student here. They'll have it at Fonzie's Leathers. In Sparkbrook.

Yeah, and I couldn't find it, and I did, you know, a small search, and I couldn't find it straight away. So how did he get it? Perhaps I could join him. Perhaps me and him could become a sort of... I could be called the elder statesman. Well, there are other people. There are other people he does it with.

In Birmingham. And I was intrigued by one of the stories okay about him when it says um he says we which already that suggests other people are doing it with him yeah that's how i'd have read that he says yeah we were patrolling london together at 3 a.m he's taken on quite a big manor yeah he's commuting yeah for the night oh i thought he was very birmingham based yeah no yeah no he is because he says he's trying to she was in pursuit of her he's trying to keep an eye frank on the underbelly of birmingham he says oh is it yeah he wants to keep her on his own underbelly for the picture i've seen 16 stone apparently yeah i Could get a mirror on a stick.

You see, it's very hard to creep up on the criminals if you're eating crisps. It's a giveaway, straight away. So he does London as well. He will travel. There's a group of people. What does he do? Get on the train? So there's the statesman. Who are the others?

I don't know. Personal private secretary. The minister without portfolio. They're all minor political posts. There could be the intern as well. I could play that role. Yeah. The PR man. The spin doctor.

Spin doctor actually sounds like it could be a villain. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Be a good name for a DJ. Somebody must have used that. That must have come up. Some kind of thing where he rotates people until they talk. That's horrible.

What's going on in your mind? Spin Doctor. I can see that. Imagine the statesman strapped on to a giant record player. Or a rotisserie. Or a rotisserie. Or a rotisserie. Now, statesman, now you will tell me where... The statesman is no stranger to a rotisserie, that's my guess.

Even a complete pig roast. Anyway, they said he was with... They saw a guy running across Traga Square away from two PCSOs, who are the Police Community Support Officers. Oh, yes. You've got all the jargon, haven't you? I mean, they have few powers. Are they the pretend ones?

Yeah, they're the pretend ones. I hate the pretend ones. They have no powers. They're not superheroes. Did you think they were? I think they've got x-ray vision. I see them on a level with, like, Wembley stewards or something. Oh, no.

I like to see them knocking about. There's wembley stewards or something oh no i like to see them knocking about there's a lot of knock around by my flat i say i'll say good evening to them in a kind of a kind of a way in a slightly patronizing way i mean they're not that different from me dressed as batman wellingtons and my you know they're basically playing at policemen and they don't get a proper uniform so they sort of, you know, they put something together and then they go out and they are the slowest walkers I have ever. They'll walk from

say, Lambeth Bridge, forgive me if you don't live in London, but Lambeth Bridge to the Houses of Parliament is what? Half a mile? That'll take them four or five hours. What they've done is they've seen the opening titles of the bill. You know, that's like...

Duh-duh-duh-duh. Slightly splayed feet. With the sheer tights, yeah. I know that. And that's how they walk. But you see, Frank, that's the trouble. The high-vis jacket, people pop one of those on, think it's instant authority.

No, that is true. Who said that? Basically, those people are like the normal youth that hung around on the street corners, and then they got to a certain age and they just put a high-vis on them. But I think they're people who wanted to be policemen. Yeah. And for whatever reason, let's not go into it.

Why didn't they do it? I don't make the rules. Oops. Yeah, well, somebody does make the rules and they involve a written exam. That's why they don't do it. No, I like to see them. Anyway, they were chasing two part-time policemen.

He saw two of them and decided they needed some help. Well, I've often thought that. But I've thought, you know, maybe more literary skills than actual fighting. So he saw two of them chasing this guy. They were shouting at him, but he wasn't going to stop. So he threw off our overcoats. Because what does is he walks around late at night wearing a large overcoat over his um over his costume yes i say costume he's actually naked underneath in fact is he a superhero or is he a sex pest? You decide. That's this week's phone-in.

Bit of both. Not that I don't know that for a fact. No, I don't think he is. I think he's a hero. I think he's a nationalist. This is what the big society is all about, this man. You're right. Absolutely. Just let's all join in. I agree with that.

I think that the big society is essentially about vigilante justice. Yeah. I'm going to go into a hospital. Why throw a knotted pair of trainers over a telegraph wire when you can use a noose? Anyway, this guy jumped bail and he was throwing drugs

as he ran away from these police community support officers. Throwing drugs? How marvellous. It's sort of Father Christmas type thing. Same Charlie Sheen wasn't around. Yeah. And they caught him and pinned him down until the officers arrived. So they overtook the officers?

Yeah, imagine. I told you how slow they were. They should have dropped. Even 16 Stone Statesman was able to, when I say 16 Stone Statesman, I don't mean Kenneth Clark was involved. Or John Prescott. No. Is he a statesman, I don't mean Kenneth Clark was involved. Or John Prescott. No.

Is he a statesman still? Oh, not only that. I think once you do an expert. Was he ever really? Well. It was a bit high-vis syndrome. I wouldn't mind him helping me out, though, if I was pursuing a drug-based criminal. Elderly woman always comes in useful.

Well, he said, apparently, he's quite adept in fighting, to be fair, to the statesman. He said he's boxed all his life. And he said, boxing has made me able to judge things and be reasonable. Yeah. Didn't work for Mike Tyson, did it? A man who I would say has neither judged things very well or been reasonable.

So... But I'm... Basically, I'm supportive of it i like the idea have you ever been on a night bus for example and there's one person no who's been written up well trust me no i have i have there's one person has been mouthy and spoiling it for everyone else and there's like 40 people who were like you know the good guys and clearly if there was unity and they stood up, that guy could be... Well, he could be pulled apart. Yeah. I mean,

physically ripped to pieces. To pieces, yeah. And, you know, if you're... That's what the big society's all about. Exactly. But we don't do it. We all sit there a bit nervous. And I like the idea of the statesman going out there and, you know,

cleaning up, as it were. Yes. What about that? No, I've said it. Of course, he'll kill four people mistakenly later in the week, and I'll feel bad I said that. But, you know, if you're going to make an omelette... He tells his family... He probably does make an omelette quite often. I'm imagining Swiss cheese and ham would be one of his favourites. But with a bit of ketchup.

That's my theory. He tells his family he's out playing poker four nights a week. So he's helping the community and they just think he's got a terrible gambling problem. Yeah, it's interesting that he's chosen a very noble pastime and then he's pretending he's doing it. He says all watching pay-per-view sports.

He does say sports at the end of that. Does he? Yeah. Now, that's a worry, you see, because normally British people don't say sports. They say sport. Oh, that means he's not a real fan then, does it?

Well, it means he's very Americanised, and that's, I think, where he's taken up the whole superhero thing from, I think. I bet he says you do the math. Well, you'd better take that Union Jack T-shirt off him. Yeah. Rhymes with winner. I bet he says you did the math I bet Winner Rhymes with winner What was that We had a text from someone Didn't we about Gareth

Was it a Gareth fan Steve the Birch from the bakery In Birchington He wanted to hear more There's an anagram of what was said to him. We have to place it together. Is it like that? He said he loved the train story.

He said it was the best thing since Raymond Blanc. So, strap yourselves in. Well, you have another train story. Well, for weeks I've been telling train stories. Why have you been on the train so much? It's just been so much. I've just been doing a lot of travelling. Have you taken you taken a day job the train you're a trolley man okay um well this is actually i know this is very exciting this one i don't want to build it up too

much i was in i mentioned i mentioned in the show that i was in Leicester. And for the journey back, I had pre-booked my train ticket. Oh, is that cheap? It's cheaper. Yeah, it is cheaper. And it means you had a reserved seat? It means I had a reserved seat, but it does mean I have to get on a particular train. So it was about 8 o'clock in the evening,

and I was on the platform. Well, in fairness, one generally has to get on a particular train. You can't just randomly end up in a pipe or something. Especially if you've got a reserved seat. They can't reserve a seat on every train. Even every train going from Leicester to Bournemouth. Is there a direct Leicester to Bournemouth route? No, I was going through London.

I see. I had to go through London. That was the statesman's excuse. And so I was on the platform platform then i got a phone call the train um was arriving any second and um it was um a promoter of a comedy club in leicester he'd seen that i was doing my show in leicester that night and he needed someone to fill in at the last minute someone had pulled out i say and he said can you do it and i said yeah but yeah, but I need, yeah, I can, but I'd need to... But I'll have to come via London, so it's not twice money. No, I said, because I could get another train,

because it would be a paid gig, but I'd need to know straight away. And he goes, well, I'll phone you back. And I said, look, I need to get on this train, because I've got a ticket for this train, so I'm going to need to get on, so really phone me back quickly. I can see your dilemma here. But he needed to talk to someone and make sure, you know. He needed to phone nine other comics, is what you mean.

Anyway, carry on. And so the train arrived. Oh. No phone call yet. So I got on the train. Well, fair enough. Because I told him, I'm going to have to get on the train. You need to let me know straight away.

And the train was at the platform. I found my seat. Was it busy? It was busy. There was quite a lot of violence at the station that night. And the previous train, yeah. You know who you're going to call. You know who you're going to call, fam.

He'll travel. Less than he can do in a couple of hours. Just jump in the smart car. It was rugby. Usually rugby people aren't very violent, but there was a whole... The ones in pink and white are lovely and calm. So I think they were a bit tense. I think the conductors and all the train people were a bit tense.

But I was on the train and then at the last minute the phone rang. The train is still stationary at this point. I like it stationary. That seems so apt on many levels. Then at the last minute, the phone rang. The train is still stationary at this point. My phone rang. I like it stationary. That seems so apt on many levels. The phone rang and I said, quickly, can you let me know, do you need me to do it? And he said, yes, yes, get off the train, get off the train. Oh, he knew you were on the train.

He was obviously in a call box right at the side. It was a trap. OK. He was, and so he was still on... He said, and don't forget that orange bag you've got with you. Because you were with Judith Chalmers, if I remember rightly, that night.

Sorry, everyone. I didn't have time to even hang up, so he was still on the line. And then I raced for the door, and it was one of those train doors where you have to pull down the window and open it from the outside. Oh, yes, I know.

Oh, sort of 70s ones. Yeah, pull down the window and rattle the handle, but it won't open. The train's still stationary and it won't open. It locks it. You have to be calm with those, though, don't you? Don't you find there's just an extra little click on them? Are you suggesting they sense emotion? Well, I find when people are desperate to get off a train,

I know because I've pursued strangers on trains in the past. I've seen people trying to get off when it's moving. And if you go, oh, I've got to get open, if you just take a breath, that's the secret. Really? Well, so I was doing it. It wouldn't open. And then I think I'd stopped the train.

I think it was about to go. And because of that, whistles were blown. Men with the little, you know, the of that whistles were blown men with the little you know the lollipops the train lollipops that they sort of a bit like a

flight landing person oh yeah can't remember the name of that yeah like semaphore like the semaphore they ran over to me and basically

they're very they're very cross with me what did they say because there'd been violence at the station they were already crossed they said

it's already it's already locked it's already internal locked what are you doing you can't get off the train now wait he said where are you trying to go to i was like well i'm trying to get off i'm trying to get off this is the leicester train isn't it where i don't want to go to i want to get off here i said well it's locked now and then after telling me that there was no way i'm gonna get off he then um proceeds to tell like just basically just have a go at me like what are you doing you can't get off the train now you think think about the other people do you want to go and tell all these other people

on the train why you're delaying the train well that'll take ages and then let me guess on the steps in the distance you saw a man just finishing off fish and chips in a Union Jack top, and he came racing down, dragged you from the train, am I right? No. So you didn't get off? I didn't get off. They said, well, you have to go... You told the man you were going to do that gig.

Yeah, you have to get off. Well, he was still on the line. He's listening to all this? He was on the line. How humiliating. He heard it all. He listened to you being reprimanded by the industry. Hold on, the man was on the line. He'll do anything to stop this? He was on the line. Humiliating. He heard it all. He listened to you being reprimanded by the industry.

Hold on, the man was on the line. He'll do anything to stop this train. I persisted with that. The initial line was lost and I thought,

no, I'm going with it. Well done, you went for it. No, he was, they say you have to go to Melton Mowbray and come back. Be half an hour.

Or get yourself a port pie though. I tell you what, the Statesman would have liked one of those. Oh God, I think he lives in Melton Mowbray and come back. Be half an hour. Or get yourself a pork pie, though, for the view. I tell you what, the statesman would have liked one of those. Oh, God, I think he lives in Melton Mowbray. It's a stately home there with a big crust instead of a wall. When he gets a job there, he's made up. Very well insulated, his house.

It's just got that jelly, that white stuff and that jelly. Aspic. Is it aspic? Yeah. I could do with an aspic, actually. I've been looking for one for a couple of days. That is the worst. Oh, no, it's not. Is it the second worst thing I've ever said?

Yeah. Yeah, so I didn't get off. They shouted at me. And I went and I said to the guy, I'm stuck on the train. He goes, yeah, I know. I heard it all. Sorry, that was really awful. I tell you, if they'd been shouting at me like that,

there would have been a murder. And I think it's partly the fact that someone was listening to me and I was sort of caught between... Was it John Reginald Christie who runs the club? No. What I don't like about what he said is that sort of his saying, oh, I would have handled it in a more aggressive and manly way.

You know what he was saying, man up, is what it was literally saying. No, I think he was saying that I was some sort of saint-like figure. It's interesting that you chose to interpret it that way. Yeah, I'm thinking he's saying you're wet. The thing was, I probably would have shouted at them a bit if there hadn't been someone on the train that I was kind of thinking, I mean, on the phone. Like, you know, I was sort of caught between.

There was someone listening. Could he not just have held his phone against the microphone in the comedy club and you could have done your whole act from the train? Wow, you have just revolutionised the comedy industry. Yeah. I think that would have been quite exciting because you'd have been able, you know, they'd have had all your lovely comedy, plus...

It'd be like a craftwork gig. I think what you've invented there, Frank, is the radio. Oh. Did you read about the Indian man who, he has 39 wives. I say, 39 wives. I'd have rounded it up, personally, if I'd been him. I'd call him a crew.

He does sometimes have to round them up. He does, yeah. He has dogs and stuff. Indian man has... Good bitch. You wouldn't say that to your wife, but that's what they say. That's what they say. Come here, come here. Good bitch. Good bitch. You wouldn't say that to your wife, but that's what they say. That's what they say.

Come here, come here. Good bitch. If anyone's listening to this... Do they really? That's my pulling technique. If any sheepdogs... If there's a sheepdog listening to this podcast, he'll be off now.

I love it. They'll be corralled before they know what's happened. So, yeah, he's got 39 wives, 94 children and 33 grandchildren. Has he been to St Ives, this guy? Why? I think I met him once on the way to St Ives. I was going to St Ives and I met this guy with 39 wives. It's a bit of a coincidence.

Each wife had... You know what I'm talking about. No. The rhyme. When I was going to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives. No, I don't know that rhyme. You don't know a man with seven wives. No, I don't know that rhyme. Each cat had seven... You don't know what I'm talking about?

No, I don't know that. You say rhyme. It's a rhyme. It's not a nursery rhyme. It doesn't rhyme as such. Is it rude, or is it...? No, it's not rude. How does it end?

How does it culminate? I don't know. Put me on the spot now. I thought that... Each cat has... And all of the things... Each cat? Who brought cats into the equation?

As I was going to St Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven cats. Each cat had seven mice. Each mice had seven pieces of cheese. I forget the exact details. Each mice. And then it goes, how many people were going to St Ives? Well, just the one man, because...

Yes, that's the riddle. It's a riddle. I guess it's a riddle. I see. It's hardly a... Well, I like a riddle, generally. Quite a well-known riddle, I thought. Is there anyone?

No? No, not the producer? It wouldn't have gone down that well in Batman, would it, if the riddler had come out with that? I was on the way to St Ives. Yeah. Hey, Batman. When I was on the way to St I Ives. Yeah. Hey, Batman. When I was on the way to St. Ives, I met

a man with seven... I can't work this one out, Robin. Well, it's still ongoing, Batman. He's been going for 42 minutes. Where is St. Ives? Is that... I don't know if this is about the place name, Robin. It's something to do with the intricacy of the numerical aspects.

I'll get on the bat computer. Say, Batman, did you used to be a court stenographer? I did. How did you know that, Robin? All these welling things are tight. So, um... Yes, he once got married. He married ten women in one year. In one year?

So he had ten marriages. I mean, I know there's no shortage. Oh, not all at once. That's lazy. There's no shortage of rice out there, I know. And they all live in a four-storey building with 100 rooms. That's quite greedy, I think. I quite...

It's a very, very elaborate version of... ..my own domestic situation well actually frank it's funny you should say that because i am about to move in with my best friend until i move into my new house that i bought so i'm living there for about six weeks so i will be well i mean i should say there aren't 39 wives or 94 children. No. But there are about 7 or 8 dogs. And 3 children. Is it an Eskimo?

Okay. Who else would have 7 or 8 dogs? My friends do. Well, as I was going to St Ives, I met a man who had 7 or 8 dogs. Oh, yeah. If they said 7 or 8, that would have... But my point being, this is sort of communal living, isn't it? Which you've got experience of, Frank, most recently.

Gareth, you seem to have constantly lived in strange places. Well, nowadays, people need to share. What? Communal living is much more... Well, a lot of people are getting married older. No. A lot of people aren't getting married, let's face it. A lot of people aren't getting are getting married older so it means you a lot of people aren't getting married let's face it they're living over the stick yeah and um yeah lots of people do communal living now we lived um before um laura and i lived with my parents for a while in the granny flat that's upstairs

but also before that we we shared with another couple when we lived in london oh very racy you shared uh what a flat flat yeah see i'm surprised there's not more of that see what i like about my girlfriend sister living with us well for a startup i think it's nice for my girlfriend to have someone to talk to in the evenings yeah but also take the pressure off you you end up in a situation when you're in a start-up, I think it's nice for my girlfriend to have someone to talk to in the evenings. Yeah. But also... Take the pressure off. You end up in a situation when you're in a relationship where you want to really hang around

with one adult. Yeah. And even if you have children, there's just the one adult all the time. And I think three, as we've discovered, I think, from doing this show and these podcasts, is a nice dynamic. I agree. So, you know... And let's be honest, though. Say if we have a blade if me and kath have a blazing rail we bring her in as a sort of ombudsman an umpire yeah you know in our house

that sister rachel she's she's like like the conciliation service acas yeah can we watch the video back of that bit and also when she arrived she um insisted on um the heating going on and this has been you must have been happy about that yeah because my girlfriend she likes it cold i mean really cold she likes it icy i was sitting and watching telly in a hooded top every night and she wore a hood i mean she's saying likes it cold she would wear a hooded top as well. The neighbours across the way thought we were a small monastery. It was freezing. Well, I went into your bedroom, Frank. Well, yes, but come on.

It was... No, you made me go in there. You were going to be cold in that outfit. You made me go in there. That sounds worse. You had a Bonnie girl outfit on there. I remember you had a very fluffy Scott at the back. You made me go in there to see how cold it was.

You wanted proof. That's what I said. Look, Jessie Eisenberg's teeth are chattering, look. Yeah, I had carcasses hanging on hooks. That's how cold it was. He said, he said, feel how cold it is. And it was. And clammy.

Yeah, but so... That's been one plot. I'd say one thing about communal living, I don't know if this applies to you, because will you have your own area? I'll have my own quarters, I think. Will you have your own fridge? No. I don't think so. What I've found is difficult. What's i love i love having

rachel staying but when anyone stays for any length of time sometimes on my way home i start to um i anticipate the evening meal and i'm thinking oh god that that pie is in the fridge and i've eaten a pie mentally i've eaten i've undressed it with my eyes before I've arrived home and then it's not always there with communal living see when you live alone you leave a pie the pie will be there

but very rarely she's a very well mannered girl she wouldn't do it deliberately but I don't want to own the pie I believe in sharing I wouldn't condemn her for it but what I'm saying is, even in that sharing, you sometimes forget and you anticipate.

So be careful of that. Things aren't always where you left them, is the moral of the story, really. My recommendation also is have a lock on the bathroom door. Oh. What, on the inside or the outside? The inside. Oh, OK.

We didn't have one because we moved into the flat and the flat just didn't have one. And you're not supposed to, you know, when renting, you can't make changes and things. So we just thought we'll have a system where if the door's shut, assume someone's in there. Should have a system. If the door's shut, assume someone's in there

and either don't go in or knock, you know, if it's an emergency. Yeah, but I tell you what's annoying about that. Just a blown shut. Because I tell you what's annoying about that. Because I lived in a house with that system, and what would happen is that someone would come out the toilet, shut the door, and no-one goes in the toilet for the next four days because they think there's someone in the toilet. Yeah. You can't stand on ceremony.

So you have to start doing that knocking thing and that. Yeah. Well, what happened to us one day is that we were... It was Saturday morning, so we were and and it was saturday morning so he was sleeping in and um that's the morning their family had come around we slept in and all of a sudden the house is full of people so then we've got to get ready so we're sneaking around like ninjas, trying to like, because we're still in our jammies. Black jammies.

Yeah. And so me and Laura decided to both go in the toilet at the same time in the bathroom to get ready. I'm stopping it right there. Are you regular? Well, let's hope so. They're going in there often. Yeah, both went in together.

To do what? A blue shinsaw? Shower and yeah, and just get ready with the sink. But you weren't. Get ready with the sink? No, not in the... No discharge.

No. No. Well, that's all right. Yeah, but basically the girl who we were sharing with, her dad just barged in. They hadn't told him the rules. Parting after you'd gone in, or did he try to get in while the door was open?

Yeah. You know, he saw it as an opportunity and he thought, I'm in here as well. Get off! No, no, I'll be fine. He thought it was like car keys. Where's that loofer? That's what they call Gareth. I think it's loofer.

Could be loafer. Carry on. Yeah, and we were in there. And Laura actually was so shocked she told him to something off Oh dear That's not like Laura Maybe that's why he was hanging around But I can understand

It wasn't Laura So I'll be reporting back and I'm going to choose because I quite want a dog in the bed Oh no No, listen, hear me out I quite want a dog in the bed. Oh, no. No, listen. Hear me out. I've got a choice of seven or eight. So I've said I want a dog in the bed.

Well, I can choose any of them. Will I go for the highly strong Chihuahua? I think we know which way we're headed here. Will I go for the faithful, loyal Shih Tzu? Oh, my chair just sunk down as I said that. Or will I go for the lively and energetic Boston Terrier? What do you think, guys? Do you think no dog in bed?

Well, first of all, a dog in the bed is one of the worst things I could ever imagine. I will not have a pet in the bedroom with me, taking all the oxygen. You always wake up with a headache. Also, I inhaled a dander during the night, and I wake up with my eyes streaming and a bit of a chest. I think I'm allergic. Also, I hate them. You don't like dogs?

Pets of any kind. Do you? In the bedroom, I mean. I remember I got in once drunk in the old days. What about Shep? Yeah, well, Shep was there and it was so cold in our kitchen downstairs in those days. This was a council house in Albury in the West Midlands, that he was trembling.

I've never heard a dog's teeth chatter before because they seemed too interlocked to move about, but they were chattering. And I was, oh, what a shame. And I took Shep up to bed. Oh, that was nice of you. And when I got onto the blankets, this is in the days when one would have blankets and an eider down and stuff. It wasn't just

a do-fax. So I got onto the blankets and I put him between the blankets and the eider down. So even drunk, I didn't want him next to my skin. I didn't want to wake up in his arms. Actually, would I wake up in his arms or would I wake up

in his legs? We don't have arms. Imagine saying, well, I woke up in his arms or would I wake up in his legs? They don't have arms. Imagine saying, well, I woke up in my dog's legs this morning. People would... Anyway. They don't have arms. No, they can't. Yeah, but he's not a cuddly dog either, Shep.

He was a staffy, wasn't he? Yeah. They're very exposed, sure head. Anyway, I went to sleep. I woke up in the night. I heard a terrible scratching noise. Of course, it was my tongue moving around in my mouth because I'd had about 12 pints the night before.

But there was something white at the side of my head on the pillow. And I picked something. It was a piece of, like, padding. And I thought, where's that from? And then I picked something. It was a piece of, like, padding. And I thought, where's that from? And then I saw another. And then I realised there was an enormous hole in the eiderdown where Shep had built a sort of nest, a sort of dog nest. Oh, Shep.

And I was... I jumped out of bed. And as I jumped out of bed, my bare foot hit a still warm... It's a still warm it's still warm I know what you're going to say. Yes, exactly. It was a gift. Simeon's gift is what it was. Had I caught it on the heel I wouldn't have minded but it was on the toe so it went

through the gaps between my toes not unlike a Play-Doh fun factory. You needed your Batman wellies. That was one act of kindness there and that's how I was repaid. So I think it's unhygienic. I think it's not right, a dog in a bedroom.

Or any pet. These are very different kind of dogs. Well, a dog is a dog. They've still got dander. Don't tell me I haven't got dander. What's dander? You know dander, it's from the same root as dandruff. It's that powder that comes off their skin.

Well, it is skin. Oh, I didn't know that's what that was. And that's why people get allergic to cats and dogs. It's the dander they can't cope with. Oh, I thought it was nice perfume. Talc. Oh, I won't go near it. Oh, no.

Tell them who've been using it. Why do you want a dog in the bed? Oh, I love it. I just think they're really cute. I love dogs. Nice, don't they? I like dogs in a field. In a field? Not in a bed. I saw

the Indian man said he likes seven or eight wives at his side every time. Big side, he's got. Enormous side. I don't know, he must be curved. What else, anyway?

Well, I've been reading this week about Matt Lucas off of... Little Britain. Yes. And what's the new one called? Come Fly With Me. Come Fly With Me. Yeah, you like that one. He's, apparently, he's wanted to do this for a long time because he's a big musical theatre

fan, much like us, Frank. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he's now got a part in Les Miserables. He's going to play, is it Tenardier? You know that, Master of the Owls? Oh, that one. Yeah.

He's Master of the Owls. And I think the whole run is... He's done that once. Didn't he do it in a one-off charity? He did it in a recording. But he's going to do a run now. He's going to do a West End run. Wow.

And it sounds like it's been, they're doing it for him. He was born truly for Big Daddy Warbucks. One of the few great, bold parts. Yes. In all the King and I. King and I. I mean, he would have been perfect. He could have played both parts.

Yeah. What would you play, Frank? So I know you're would have been perfect. He could have played both parts. He... Yeah. What would you play, Frank? So, I know you're a fan of Annie. I am, but I couldn't... I don't think I could play the war book. I wouldn't be prepared to. No, you're not... You need to be bigger, I think. You need to be a dominant figure.

Can I tell you what I see you as? A bit of a crackticus pot, chitty-chitty, bang-bang. The old bamboo. It's never been one of my favourites. I think you'd be good with The Old Bamboo. I must say. I've always, I think my secret desire.

There's two really, but I think the one that dominates for me is fagging. Oh, yeah. In Lionel Bart's Oliver. When I see someone rich, both my hands start to itch. I only do find some piece of mud. Got to pick up. Too Jewish? No. OK.

Not too Jewish. Oh, Frank, if you do that, I'd like to be Nancy. You know the... Yeah, of course I know Nancy. The prostitute. Yes. Who's allowed to say prostitute on Absolute Radio? Well, is she a prostitute?

It's vague, isn't it? She's a lady of the night. She's a kind-hearted soul. Well, you say kind. I thought she was extortionate. So I could do her. She goes, as long as he needs me. And I think Gareth

could still carry off Oliver with a shave. Do you think? Let's hear Oliver Gath. Where? Oh no, it's been a terrible beginning. I also thought I could possibly be a Professor Higgins in my time. Just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait, you'd be great at that. No, but you don't really have to sing.

Oh, why can't a woman be more like a man? It's all that. There's that bit where they do, you know, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane. Yeah, I think she's got it. Do you know every straight listener we've got will have turned off five minutes. It's all gone a bit John Powerman. And there's that bit where he says, where do they get that rain? And she says, on the plane.

I'll tell you what you do on the plane. OK, OK. So he goes, where do they get that rain? On the plane. On the plane. And he says, where is that blasted plane? I thought, that's such a marvellous moment. It is good.

Yes, I wouldn't mind that. No. I've been offered. I was offered Mr. Telephone in Chicago. Were you really? Yeah. Why didn't you do it? It's not a great part, is it?

Oh, it's better than no part. It's all right, but it's like he only gets one song and it's not one of my favourites. And I was recently offered King Arthur in Spamalot on tour. Were you really, Frank? Two musical offers. I didn't know that. I've not been offered no musicals. You've never been offered no musicals?

I'm getting into the accent for Oliver. You're getting into the Oliver one? I'm going to be the after-bush. Boy, I've been offered no musicals, Mr Fagin. Don't blame me. What am I, an impreferio? I'm just saying, though, it ain't fair, is it? What was it, a Frank Skinner's been offered Chicago?

And look at me, standing here with not a musical in sight. Yeah. Bad things happen to the artful dodger, though, when people play him. Like, that's... Jack Wilde. Oh, the curse of the dodger though, when people play him. Jack Wilde? Or the Curse of the Dodger? The guy in the monkeys.

Dave Jones? In what way did bad things happen to him? Old age? In the monkeys. It was Davey Jones, wasn't it? No, no, no. Jack Wilde was the Artful Dodger. Yes, but also the one with the funny face in the monkeys. The drummer, was it? He was, Mike. He wasn't the Artful dodger. Yes, but also the one with the funny face of the monkeys. The drummer

was it? He wasn't. Mike? He wasn't the artful. He was Circus Boy. Yeah. I think he was also the artful dodger. Well, anyway, famously, Davy Jones of the monkeys was the artful dodger. Was he also the artful dodger? Was it just him?

Well, you two start arguing about the monkeys. Like a 1960s argument. I don't know. I was going It's like a 1960s argument. Yes. I don't know. I was going to say, like a Darwin court case. Big row about the monkeys. If only that had been about where the Mickey Dolenz had played the artful dodger.

No, but... Have you got Google there? We need Google. What do we do without Google? It was David Jones. Of course it was. If it was David Jones... Yeah, but to be fair, OK, I'm just going to mediate here.

Frank seems to know a little bit more about it. He's saying it's David Jones. You're going, the one with the chin. Besides, even if it was Mickey Dolenz or David Jones or even Woolhat... Mike, whose parents own Tippex or something. Yeah. Whoever it was, you can't call it a curse

when they went on to go on to some massively successful tv show and they're still working that's true they're reforming that's like the curse of dad's army oh they've all died it's a poor curse isn't it it's worse than the curse of dad's army that's true oh they're all dead now? Yeah, but being dead, you could have the curse of Queen Victoria. Dead. Curse of Alexander the Great, dead. Curse of the royal family. Yeah, most of them.

A lot of them, yeah. And the ones that are alive now will die. Yeah. I mean, how bad a curse do you want? No, that wasn't rhetorical. How bad a curse do you want? I'm seeing an old woman who's... Really?

Yeah. Nice of you to give me a choice. A crone? How bad a curse do you want? I'm seeing an old woman this afternoon. Nice of you to give me a choice. A crone. I've seen a crone. I've got an appointment. I've got an appointment with a crone. An appointment with a crone.

That's a film I'd go and see. An appointment with a crone with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Of course, you couldn't have played that part ten years ago. She'd grown into it. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.