The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Royal Wedding

Episode Date: April 30, 2011

Frank Emily and Gareth discuss their highlights of the Royal Wedding. Plus Frank shares a domestic incident involving a butter knife.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So look, I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be the cynical comedian type about the royal wedding. I was working when the royal wedding was on.

I got home, my girlfriend had taped the ceremony. And then we had a row about the fact that she hadn't taped the balcony kiss. That's how I am about the royal wedding. That's the best bit. Yeah, I had a car waiting for me. I had to wait till four o'clock news on Sky and taped the balcony kiss. That's how I am about the royal wedding. That's the best bit. Yeah, I had a car waiting for me. I had to wait till four o'clock news on Sky and see the balcony kiss before I went. Oh, you've got to see the kiss. Oh, God, both.

Both kisses. The first one, I felt it was one of those slightly dry lip kisses, and they said, let's do that again. I was a bit dry-lipped. They did. Well, Andrew Neil complained about it. He said exactly that.

He said, that wasn't long enough. They'll have to do that again. Horrible old uncle. Oh, the idea of Andrew Neil complained about it. He said exactly that. He said, that wasn't long enough. They'll have to do that again. Horrible old uncle. Oh, the idea of Andrew Neil is that, I'm going to go over there to Andrew Neil, our kissing expert. Horrible. So you loved it, Frank? Yes, I've watched, I missed, I didn't see it live, but I've seen all the highlights and I, oh man, there's so much, so much to talk about. I loved it.

What were your highlights? Well, first of all, I think she's a complete babe, Kate. Can I say that? And I mean, she's a strong, independent, modern 21st century woman. I mean, look at that thing when he turned up when she was doing that, when she was coxing the rowing team for the charity rowing race and he turned up after the split and she jumped out the boat and swam right across.

That didn't really happen, Faye. It happened in William and Kate the movie and I'm seeing that as a kind of a documentary. That's one of the best Sunday afternoons I've ever spent. I was completely not bothered about the royal wedding. I watched William and Kate the movie and I thought, now these are my people. I know these people now, they're in my life.

You can't swim in rivers like that You'd get Viles disease Or the rat's urine Oh, thanks for bringing us all down on a day like today Viles disease We're talking fairy tale, we're not rat urine Well, there was so much I even got tense about the ring not quite going on

Oh, that was a tense moment Even though I was watching a recording of it And I knew if the ring hadn't gone on Obviously there would have been just martial music on all the on all the channels it would have been like when the queen mother died if the ring hadn't gone on that was almost as tense as what will gary goldsmith be wearing ah gary goldsmith who's gary goldsmith he's the he's the black sheep i don't even think did you watch the raw wedding yes i did i didn't see gary goldsmith i wasn't wearing name badges. I should have been.

Am I right in saying that Prince William had the wrong hat on for that uniform? Well, he had a sort of... He had a speed doperty back in the day. Red military jacket. Everything was like red. Yeah, exactly. And then he had like a black... It was like he'd maybe stopped off for a cup of tea at London Zoo. One of the keepers had come in for a cup of tea,

put his hat down on the same table. I imagine it's about midday at London Zoo. Someone was saying, Bill, how come you're wearing the red hat? He said, what? Blimey, how has that occurred? But David Beckham made a protocol mistake as well because he put his OBE on the wrong lapel, didn't he? Oh, did he?

Come on, we've all done it. I didn't mind, though, because, oh, my God, how good-looking, Frank. I felt sick he was so good. He looks CGI now, he's so good-looking. With Becks. Yes. Even when you said the name, I felt like I was all overcome. I've gone off Becks since he's become some mindless poppet for

the fa you've gone off him since he got so good looking jealous much it's always uh it's always been no he's got more ridiculous i liked him when he sort of did stuff like you know played proper football that's what i like no i don't care and also prince william he had spurs on in westminster abbey yes I noticed that. Harry had them as well. Are we still talking football? He had spurs on. Really? You know, proper spinning spurs.

I imagine him at the party, a bit drunk, half eleven at night, slicing pizza with his heels. I didn't mind then, but you're going to have to trust me on it. Those of you who watch this, those of you weirdos who watch this on the webcam i'm not i'm not sure about you people actually i think you look a bit um you're a bit of a kate uh that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me no he was talking to me yeah you just like somebody who likes harry bow tang fastix do you know she's a big fan of harry bow tang fast yes she likes yeah there's this this one scene where all the family's already said, just call me William, which is a bit of a...

Actually, I'm back in the movie. Yes, it didn't really happen. And there are trees inside, trees inside in the abbey. A bit shopping centre. Didn't like that. Yeah, I'm surprised they didn't have some hodded youth sitting under them. I thought... A bit Brent Croft, that.

The symbolism was, this looks nice today, but if you keep things in this enclosed environment, it will shrivel and die. So that was the imagery of the trees. Oh, God. Don't get that wrong. Not only did he want it, but he absorbed it on a spiritual level. Someone's just texted in 886, that jacket was Zulu.

It was a bit Zulu. Yes, it was. It was. That's what Harry said, wait until you see the whites of herulu. It was a bit Zulu. It was. That's what Harry said, wait until you see the whites of her eyes. That's when they turned round. Sorry. Yeah, poor thing, I do. Well, they sang Man of Arla because she came up the aisle. Oh, man.

I thought the best bit, if she really wanted to make a name for herself, when they were doing the thing and he said, do you take this man William Harold Louis or whatever he was to be. For the path of Louis George. For richer, for poorer. She should have said, yeah, right.

That's going to happen. And that should have been all around the world as a famous person. Anyway, I think I've got the wrong one in my system. No. 131 says the trees inside were special branch. That's brilliant. Already our listeners

are on top form. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 8-12-15 about anything you like. We've probably already lost half the listeners

who were just sick of the royal wedding, but not Frank. No. Oh, the ring, the tension of the ring. You've even already lost half the listeners who were just sick of the royal wedding, but not Frank. No. Oh, the ring, the tension of the ring. You've even been watching it during the break. I'm starting to think that they hadn't bought that ring specifically. They just had a load of rings.

I'm starting to think that the royal family are the people behind cash for your gold. You send it to them and they've just got loads of jiffy bags and they said could there be a ring in there go on they didn't measure it up she's thin enough anything will go on my the bit that melted my heart towards the whole thing was i was i was i was cynical about it and then i read and this might not be true but i read that um william gave her a special ring like a secret one as well as the one from his mum, an engagement ring beforehand that had inscribed on it,

My Darling Princess Ordinary. You've been watching that movie again. Hold on a minute. My Darling Princess Ordinary. Well, I'd really like that. I'd really love it if someone gave me a ring that had the word ordinary on it. What?

It would all be off if I did that. Yeah, I should think so as well. Oh, darling, you're so ordinary. Frank, text him 707. I can't believe you haven't mentioned Beatrice's hat. You see? Who stapled that on?

I like the wacky hat thing. I did as well. Eugenie and Beatrice they looked absolutely psychotic and I loved them what does the one mad make-up smeared they look brilliant stripper heels

there's one of them I can't remember which is which they mingle into one but one of them has got the most royal family face that's Beatrice is that Beatrice the most

if you got all the royal family faces and put them in a blender and then put it in a face mold that would be it's got the every all that you can see a bit of andrew a bit of the queen all in there now the massive mouth and all that the mouth she has a mouth which actually goes off the edge of her face a bit like she's wearing a big false mouth but i like them because they've decided no we're not sexy let's go crazy let's be the crazy princesses crazy guy yeah in the olden days they would have been locked in the tower but it's nice they let them run but it made a change as well i like that they had slightly mental clothes on as well better than they were there's a lot of ice blue and taupe knocking

around oh there's a lot of taupe what is that that? It's like a beige-y colour, Frank. You know that colour? Beige-y? Nude? I don't have time to explain these things to you people if you don't know. There was a historian that they kept having on, a pretty young ginger lady historian, who was called Kate Williams. Oh, I know her. Really? I met her once. Did you? Yeah. She's the sexy historian yeah you know

starkey's the grumpy historian shama is the has he been in a fire historian and she's the sexy historian yeah she's got the perfect name for the wedding yeah williams i think she wasn't called kate williams before or was she not? She was called Diana Charles. Quite recently. Yeah, I'm starting to think that she's just some sort of cynic. She hangs around that deep pole office in a very suspicious and sly way. I'll tell you something else as well. That sash that William wore.

Oh. He had a sash across it. You're into the details, Frank. Well, I'll tell you why i noticed it because it had the raf wings on the top it looked exactly like an international rescue sash i was worn by the thunderbirds people yeah and he works in i knew it worked in rescue i'm starting to think he might be undercover for international rescue he's got a bit of the you know traces look about him that like the enormous head. Yeah. He has. There is something of that. Hair's going there.

If I'm going to be absolutely honest, the highlight for me was when they drove off in the sports car. I thought it was one of the sexiest, most 1960s. It was like James Bond. That was just brilliant. But if I'm going to be absolutely... And there's nothing perfect in life. As West Bromwich

Albion manager Roy Hodgson said after a game after we lost against Chelsea he said that the Chinese always tell us that no tree grows all the way to heaven I thought how brilliant for a football manager to say that and that can be said of the boldness did slightly

sport the day slightly, slightly sport the day when they were in the sports car i saw the day i want them to look like a beautiful young the perfect couple and the baldness is just making me a little bit anxious around the shoulders a bit tight at the shoulders i know what you mean there is an element thinking if he'd have only done it when he was 24 and he looked like a disney prince yeah exactly and it would have been perfect any young men here who's thinking of popping the question and they're going slightly thin, I think you can learn from this.

Do it now, now, now. It's all right, Gareth's done it already. Because those wedding pictures will be around for the rest of your life and it just doesn't look as good. I'd have kept the hat on in the car. He probably thought that the wind will get under this peak and off it'll be and that'll be a terrible moment. But no, it impaired the day.

Let's not say it spalted. It took 2% off. and off it'll be and that'll be a terrible moment. But no, it impaired the dial. Let's not say it's bolted. It took 2% off. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, a couple of texts in about the Royal Wedding. Darren? On 8-12-15.

Perhaps I should get a jingle that does that. Don't you have one? On 8-12-15. Perhaps I should get a jingle that does that. Don't you have one? On 8-12-15. Something like that. Well, I think I'll give it a bit of thought. I mean, obviously that's just a rough draft. Why don't you get Marky Smith to do one for you? 8-12-15. He's not the sort of bloke who does a good turn in that manner.

No, I suspect you're right. He'll do it for a pack of fags, though, I reckon. Yeah. But you can't get wild woodbine anymore. Frank, did anyone see the black horse that bolted? It ran with the rest of the horses for a while, just like one of those riderless horses in the Grand National. That's from Darren.

Did you see the horse? Because I only saw the highlights. They didn't show that. Can you believe they didn't see that as a highlight? The horse throwing the bloke. But I do love that in the Grand National, when the horse... Because I always imagine horses, they don't want to run. They're being forced by these small men.

And then the thing comes off and the horse goes, no, I'm actually of my own free will. Look at me. I might suddenly go left. Or stop. That's my business now. And the other horses are thinking, oh, I wish we didn't have the little man telling us what to do.

Look at him, he's loving it. With his reins blowing free like, what was that song by Marianne Faithfull? The Eyes of Lucy Jordan when she threw Paris in a sports car with the Corwin in her hair. That's what those horses are like. They're like people who are just... No, not like people. They're four-legged.

They're quadrupeds. They're hairy quadrupeds. They're not at all like people. They just look happy. What's the question? What is a horse? What is a horse? Well, you'll find a horse is a horse, of course, of course, unless the horse is a talking horse, and then, of course, the horse will be the amazing Mr.

There's another text. Sorry, I'm a bit out of it. The whole wedding thing has just took me to a high pitch. I know. Duncan from France said when I saw Big Christian. Duncan from France needs to be more precise in his geographical. He did include Combray. Combray? I don't know how to say it that's in

wales he's lying about france vida bettisi okay this is why i didn't say the french names why should i don't get donkin's all over the place he knows all about any what's donkin not language um when i saw beatrice and eugenie i looked for their sister cinderella not language um when i saw beatrice and eugenie i looked for their sister cinderella he's trying to bring down our monarchy like you know just because you haven't got your own one yeah what else he's french oh he's french yeah no i won't have that i thought they looked great they were my favorite people at the whole wedding yeah i agree they were i thought much more uh tim burton's alice in wonderland yeah yeah lady gaga yeah no i i bet they're great fun those two do you know what i mean in a sort of a cartoon world kind of a way i don't when men describe you as great fun that's

never a good sign well oh god that means they get what they want on the first date normally i think they look like i'm sure if i went if i went out for a night with eugenie and beatrice i'm absolutely well i probably would get i want what i wanted on the first day because it would just be them dancing while i played the ukulele see they'd be up for that whereas kate's too beautiful to do something like that no that's true that's true good bones very true. Good bones. Very good bones. I'd like to talk to you about something. What have you done? What have you done?

I think I need to play a... Oh, no. I like it. But it was one of my favourite things next to the royal wedding that happened this week. Okay. Well, you're just going to have to wait. Okay. I'm sorry, but, you know, I've got a job to do here. I have certain things in my contract.

I have to play music. And I think that's fine. We all love music. Because to live without my music would be job to do here. I have certain things in my contract. I have to play music. And I think that's fine. We all love music. Because to live without my music would be impossible to do. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. John in Hounslow has texted in and says,

Morning, Frank Emengard. Did you see the cartwheeling verger? Oh, yeah. He was so relieved that it all went so well that he cartwheeled in the abbey no he wasn't so relieved that it all worked the cartwheeling verger is a classical example of the church of england wacky cleric and he did the whole thing with one eye on youtube so don't be so angry you're just angry because your friend dr rome williams had a same dress nightmare with the queen that's the only reason you're upset well what's she doing wearing yellow shouldn't you know 85 beige that's the rules lavender i

think you'll find the cartwheeling virgin i love the wedding i hate the cartwheeling virgin that that's a fair summary of my uh attitude to the whole thing the only really funny cartwheel i've ever seen was uh they did one of those big motorcycles. St Catherine? I wasn't there for that, unfortunately. The motorcycle... That's what I heard. They did a motorcycle stunt and it went wrong and the motorcyclist hit one of the stewards.

It was one of those blokes wearing a white coat and he spun about three times into the air. He wasn't badly injured, in case you're thinking I'm mocking his theory, but it was a great bit of spontaneous cartwheeling. That was pre-YouTube. That guy was a purist. Oh, so strict with cartwheeling. Oh, yeah. So, David Cameron...

Rawls is Rawls on cartwheeling. Fine. David Cameron... I'd like to see him cartwheeling down a hill. Well, he had his morning suit yesterday. He looked quite nice, actually. But, you know, I enjoyed, nearly as much as the royal wedding, a little bit of the kerfuffle that he got himself into this week. Ah, yes. Do you know i enjoyed nearly as much as the royal wedding a little bit of the kerfuffle that he got

himself into this week ah yes do you know why because it involved michael winner and i like things win arian i really do i'm a fan of all things when ari well it was because did you guys see this you know he'd said he'd said he'd said it's angela eagle he'd said calm down dear i don't know if he said it in the voice i hope he he did. Not quite, no, but he did. He gestured towards it. Can I say, Michael Winner, of all the celebrities I've met, he's the one probably least in touch with reality. I remember I said to him, I had a little badge on,

which was the two bowler hat. It was a lapel badge, big bowler hat, smaller bowler hat. It's the Laurel and Hardy Society. And he said, do you like Laurel and Hardy? I said, yeah, I'm. It's the Laurel and Hardy Society. And he said, oh, do you like Laurel and Hardy? I said, yeah, I'm a massive fan of Laurel and Hardy. He said, you should talk to Marlon Brando. Oh,

okay. You've got his number. Marlon, you're a big... I don't can really talk now. Oh, Michael. Yeah, but it was... What did you think about that?

It could be patronising. No! Because as Michael Winner himself said, the phrase which I created ten years ago has become part of the nation's language. That's what Michael Winner said. And I love what he's saying there. Oh, come on, she's got to lighten up.

She could have responded in a better way. She should have used the NAD slogan back to him much better. But I don't know why. Did you think it was patronising? Well, yeah. I don't think I'd call anyone dear at work, even in a quote. If you're a park ranger. Yeah, and even then, I think I'd probably have personal names for them.

You know, they've got feelings. You can have antlers and feelings. I think that's something we should all remember. That's what Beatrice said yesterday. Yes, and let's hope it's something that Kate and William remember when they're out with the shotguns. Thing is, if he wasn't being sexist, then he was just being one of those people who quotes ad slogans,

which is worse because it means he's an idiot. Well, that's true. But he could have been a bit more original. being brilliant for you to go then i would have thought maybe i'll vote for conservatives after this this is a great turning point but no yeah at least for in defense of people who do quote ad slogans which i admit it's pretty it is a pretty bad thing to do oh simple someone put that in an email to me the other day oh dear they asked me they said will you quote out slogans, which I admit it's pretty it is a pretty bad thing to do. Oh, simple. Someone put that in an email to me the other day. They asked me, they said, will you do me this favour

and I'll take you to lunch. Simples. Deleted. Gone. Never speak to him again. Gone. They split it with a double E. That's the worst sin of all. Simples. You can't do that. But my nephew Jason did send me a text and said sorry I haven't been in touch for a long time.

Work's been an absolute blur. Should have gone to Specsavers. And I thought that was quite clever. Oh, OK. Well, let him off. But should have gone to Specsavers is one of those. People do it all the time. What about if David Cameron had gone, once he's been heckled,

he'd have gone, oh, we buy any car! We buy any car! That probably would have been, I don't know if he's been heckled, oh, we buy any card, we buy any card. That probably would have been, I don't know if he's legally allowed. So maybe we should have a phone in this moment, because I don't, I can't feel my people, I need to feel my people in here with me.

So, what are your favourite or least favourite ad slogans? What really winds you up when people use ad slogans? Frank, I've got another one. Oh, go on. Does what it says on the tin. That Ron Seal one, that's very Top Gear

presenter. That's true, that is quite bad. I think my worst one ever, ever, and I probably say this because I heard Dr Fox use it about seven times in one show. And that's, what's up? Oh, we kept saying it, and I thought, yes, I was right about you. So if you've got any thoughts on ad slogans, well, talk to Frank.

We only have this except. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. So we've been having some people texting in annoying ad slogans people use. We've had one from 754. First series of 118 ads. A million eejits insisted on shouting,

I've got your number, over and over ad nauseam. Not to me they didn't, sadly. No. Even though they almost certainly had no i don't remember i've got the i've got your number element of the one one i remember that you remember the look though don't you i remember the david bedford look yeah yes ad nauseum google him okay frank uh phil says my dad still says hello Tosh got a Toshiba whenever he sees my telly. Respect

I like whenever he sees my telly that's the only telly he ever sees I love a world where a telly's still a bit of a novelty Brilliant. And 131 said I work for Tesco's and anytime someone discovers it I get every little help. Of course.

I used to work in McDonald's and we would always say, oh, I'm loving it, like in a slightly ironic way while we were working there. You actually said it in there? Yeah. That's good. They would have loved that. Yeah. Except we didn't look like we were loving it. I used to work at an insurance company and we used to spend all day going...

And people just got annoyed. to work at an insurance company and we used to spend all day going ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo and people just got annoyed. I say insurance, I'm not even sure what that advert is for. I know exactly what it's for. It's a bank. Is it a bank? Well, you know, there you go. What's the point of having an advert with no words in it?

Because ooo ooo ooo ooo could be an advert for ham. They don't advertise ham as much as they did when I was a boy. No. Or powdered egg. Now, did you have a row, Frank, with Kath this week? I thought you might have. I had a bit of a row, yes.

We had quite a big row. I don't want to get involved, but I heard you had a row. Well, yes. What happened was, Kath is my girlfriend, in case you're new to the show, because we've had a few nominations, chasers, junior. And I love it.

Welcome. But, yeah, Kathy is my girlfriend. And we went shopping. Now, I don't normally go to the supermarket, because I have people who do that, but they were on holiday, so we had to go to the supermarket. I had to do my own shopping, as it come to this. And so I spent £150 in the supermarket.

I mean, come on. Hello? What were you expecting us to say? That's not that much. Well, the last time I went shopping, it was £37.50. Actually, I had £37.10. Well, it's expensive. It is expensive.

What was that, a weekly shop then, was it? It was kind of, kind of. It was about four or five days' worth. Because, you know, bear in mind, it's not just me and Kath at home. It's not just the two of you? Yeah, because, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but my girlfriend's sister is staying with us at the moment. So I was shopping for free, you know.

Having said that, we asked her to do a list, and it was basically just Cheerios. She had to do her own list, like Big Brother or something? That's a bit weird. Well, yeah, I don't want to impose my food taste. Cheerios, you giving her hints her own list, like Big Brother or something. That's a bit weird. Well, yeah, I don't impose my food taste. Cheerios, you giving her hints that it's time to leave. Exactly. I've got 16 boxes of Cheerios, which I assembled around the spare room.

So, anyway, I got back and she said, I drove us there, I paid. I was the man. I was the hunter-gatherer. So, yeah, I got back. She said, I'll make you a cup of tea. I said, oh, lovely. I settled down to...

Kath said this. Yeah, I settled down to watch Britain's Got Talent. And Kath came back with a cup of tea. And it looked a bit of an odd colour to me. And also, there was a knife in it. Oh, dear. It was a knife. Don Corleone.

Exactly. I mean, what was it? Some sort of veiled threat? Was the blade facing upwards? No, the blade was in. I think that's what he did to potential victims. Honestly, I've heard something like that. It's a mafia thing.

Honestly. If you can imagine a very domestic version of the sword in the stove. It was like that. And it was one of those knives, I don't know what the official name is, but the one that you'd use for butter spreading. A butter knife, yeah. Is that what they're called? Because you don't want a very sharp knife.

You don't want a sharp, especially if it's a serrated edge. I don't know if you've ever spread butter with a serrated edge knife. But you get, it looks like a Ploughed Field, that sandwich. I feel I should be eating raw vegetables on it. So anyway, and then when I tasted it, I said, this tastes strange. And I thought maybe there was something left on the knife. Maybe it's just in soak, the knife. Oh, she said, I thought I'd use up the UHT.

Now, I've just spent £150 at the supermarket. Can I say, I've had three Sony nominations. I've got my own TV show. I have international representation. I have to come home. I have to drink tea made with UHT from a mug that I have to stir with a knife. This was the nature of my speech. It was like Look Back in Anger with Richard Burton.

I gave an enormous rags-to-riches, impassioned speech. I have fought my guts out to get away from drinking UHT that I have to stir with a knife. And off it, I was absolute, I was a martyr. You were off like the horse at the wedding. Oh, man, it was, is that going to become a new phrase? How come you had UHT in the house? Well, exactly. And the whole idea of, I wanted to use it up.

Like, you know, UHT, it ain't going nowhere. That's fancy. We could have said said that'll do when we have people around at christmas and the uht would have been all right frank 437 she was making you a knife cup of tea and she said to me she said i i come i made i made you that cup of tea like she was the martyr she almost said in brackets was scratch, I felt. I measured that cup of tea with no assistance. Oh, it got very tense. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I know, but why a knife? There was, you know, obviously there weren't any clean spoons, but there were forks. Surely a fork... To me, the fork is the next of kin of the spoon. Oh, that's infinitely preferable, a fork.

Well, a fork is just... It's an aerated spoon. I've always thought that. A knife is not... It's not the same species. Well, OK, it's cutlery. You could conceivably eat a moose with a fork, but not with a knife.

That's how I'd judge it. If I was going to eat a moose, I'd just break the antlers off and scoop. Frank, we have had a text in 796. Be thankful, Frank. She's keeping you grounded. Well, I'm inclined to agree with that. Grounded?

I have to say. You ate tea milk and stir it with a knife. It's not... That's subterranean. Yeah, but it's tapped into your childhood issues. Well, it has. That's what it is. I'm sorry, but...

I don't have a problem with UHT milk. I've done my time in UHT hell. And now, we grew up on Stera, which was like the early version of UHT milk. It used to come in a thin, sort of swan-necked glass bottle. Is it short for sterilised? Yes. No, short for Sterra McCartney.

Stupid. Anyway, the big advert with Sterra is because a lot of us didn't have fridges, you didn't have to put it in a fridge, it would keep fresh. You could just leave it on the side. UHT, you could leave in your will, and it would keep fresh. You could just leave it on the side. You aged tea, you could leave in your will. And it would last. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm afraid it's caused some controversy,

this knife tea incident. Well, it certainly did in our house. I don't think we spoke for 24 hours on the strength of it. Well, Bill says, Frank, simple solution, make your own tea. Well, yeah, actually, that was a solution that came up during the argument, if I remember rightly. Along with, I'll never ever make you another cup of tea as long as I live, was another one.

That's good. Another lie. Made me about four since then. 009 says stir with a knife and you stir up strife. I didn't know that. Is that one they've made up? No, that's a real one.

You wouldn't think that's one that's used that often. I'm glad I've given that bloke an opportunity. Is it a bloke or a woman? Or is it just a number? 009. 009 sounds like a man. Although perhaps the 00 suggests some sort of breastage. Who can say? Sorry.

I like to think there's something in the number. It's a numerological approach. We just don't give their names. They're like brothers and sisters to me. I want to know who they are. Well, it's Gareth. Gareth started it, you see. They've got very into this whole number thing.

Yeah. But it's a bit like, you know, the prisoner. I am not a number. I liked... You sounded a bit like Anne Robinson there, which is good, because I... You did. I am not a number.

You and Patrick McGowan were... They were made from the same mould. I think we'd all agree that. She looks like she was made from mould. 131. Has the knife tea incident been blade to rest yet? See, that's the other thing that worried me, is that if it had been...

You never know how sharp those knives are. And the bag, the bag was still... One way to find out. I didn't mention that, by the way. The bag was still in the cup. Oh, you didn't mention that. No. Do you know, I was totally on Cathy's's side i often am in this instance that the bag is tipping things not

in her favor well the thing is i didn't know the bag was in because we already had the row and i still have a go at this cup of tea i'd rather make one myself uh even though there was a fresh a fresh pint i'd just bought in the fridge so i drank it down a bit there was there was the tip of the the tip of the bag the bag operate like an iceberg off and two-thirds below the surface and i could see it was sitting on the edge of the knife like an enormous turkey on a on a narrow wire fence yeah that could have split that bag in two and then i could have choked what about that it wouldn't even be sitting there now talking about it. But you know what, Frank? Let it go.

Okay. Okay? Instead, I would like to talk about Anne Robinson, because apparently she's leaving the week as Link. Good. So, Frank, it's a bit aggressive. I really don't. A face contorted by vanity and spite. How dare you? The Daily Express.

I really don't. I really, I like all celebrities in one way or another, either because their terribleness is amusing or whatever, but there is a terrible coldness about Anne. I imagine she stirs everything with a knife. Leather jacket over the age of 60.

Is she over the age of 60? Oh, I'm sure she is. How old is the woman, Gareth? Have you any idea i have no idea oh looks like she stared her face with a knife oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa um but i know you don't like her faint but the good thing about her departure another good thing about her departure is that they reveal some of the worst ever answers on the show. You know sometimes people say such stupid things in those situations and some of them I really enjoyed.

So, for example, what is David Blunkett's current occupation? Blind. Yes. Name the long-running TV series about pensioners. Name the long-running TV series about pensioners. Last of the Mohicans. But if you think now how old the Mohicans are...

You see very few Kauai films with red Indian pensioners. Can you say red Indian? No. Native American. With Native American, it's not as good, is it? No, I know. No. But nor is Prince William's hair.

What can you do? Things move on. Times change. Where was the recent Winter you do? Things move on. Times change. Where was the recent Winter Olympics held? Taunton. That's good. Which part of the human body is closest to the floor when we are walking? The head.

And my favourite, what tea are people in a house paying to a landlord? Terrorist. I like it when people get things wrong. A little girl in one of my wife my wife's classes she's a teacher she thought the weakest link was called the winky slink you know because Anne Robinson winks she thought it was

called you are the winky slink goodbye the winky slink the winky slink if that was the case she would say I am the winky slink she is very much the winky slink. The winky slink. But surely she, if that was the case, she'd say, I am the winky slink. She is very much the winky slink. She is the winky slink. Yeah.

Very winky slink, that one. I don't know quite what a slink is, but... I don't know, but if the cat fits... That's what she is. Yes. Frank, do you know what, though? The cat doesn't fit now because her head's gone down three sizes, the operations. I don't want to judge those people too harshly.

No. Because I played a board game with my godchildren this week and there was some oh i always use counters you were in some alice in wonderland type setup there were some extraordinary answers flying around you were a clue at one point you were a clue i was a clue oh god what was the answer well do you know the board game articulate no oh dear just to recap very briefly so um you have to describe something so for example if i said to you and you would have to guess it so i'd say absolute radio dj first name same as michael jackson's rat ben jones very good you're getting

this exactly that's articulate the trouble is with my godchildren they're so young they haven't heard of any of these haven't heard of ben jones people. Haven't heard of Ben Jones? Well, not Ben Jones. He's not in Articulate. But Frank Spencer. He's an outhouse. The thing is, that game, I used to play that game with bits of paper

in dressing rooms at comedy clubs and somebody thought, oh, I'm going to turn this into a board game and make money out of it. They've made money. I mean, what next?

Are we going to buy a hopscotch kit? Not Frank. My goddaughter didn't know who Frank Spencer was, clearly, because the clue she gave was something skinner for the first name cash this cash dispenser oh i say i mean how difficult

is that to get something skinner cash this i think that's quite that's quite difficult how do you get to frank spencer after that i was imagine that sounds like some bloke who who's called skinner it was maybe some an economist it was anti-cash and used to this it see i'd be into a whole elaborate i'm gonna have to play the fall and come back to your ridiculous This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, ads that people say... Ads that people say? This is an anagram of this morning's phone. You have to put it in the right order. What about slogans from ads that people use in normal conversation? For example, I've thought of one, Frank.

First class return to Dottingham. Do you remember that? It shows my age. I tell you, that was by the um peter cleo was he called who played doffy in uh in place sir there you go very good that's for tunes or something yeah at first we turn to dottingham yeah it's a guitar advert so people would shout that at you if you had a cold yeah yeah whenever anyone says akron stan stanley you go akrington stanley who are they exactly um but um beautiful i could have been i was almost on a ferry across the mercy dave cornwall originally from halifax says morning can't stop my saying of course you

can malcolm um which advert is it from whenever someone says i my dad says that whenever he says malcolm that must oh does it well that must have been a cold cure because he used to she used to say oh malcolm i'm the mother and then this guy would be going oh mum and he got some sort of heavy nose cold thing that was that'd be one there used to be i seem to remember quite a lot of adverts for cold stuff. And that doesn't happen anymore. It's all computers now, isn't it? So anyway, do you want to hear more about my game?

Oh, I would, yes. Who were you playing with? Your nieces? My goddaughters. Oh, OK. So after something skinner cash this, gate, as I call it, then my goddaughter was trying to get me to guess someone so she's describing him she says oh my god is that a really hot guy i said well it could be anyone i don't know you have to give me a bit more no he's amazing the real you know the really good looking one that's david beckham no no no no you know he's in a film he's in that film ashton kutcher

no no no carousel turns out it's Mr Spock. He's not hot. I said, what, Leonard Nimoy? No, apparently in the new one, it's some really hot guy playing it. Yes. Yeah, Leonard Nimoy was, I think, many adjectives over the years have been used for Leonard Nimoy, but not hot, I don't think. Or was that Tom that they flew into the song accidentally? And then, Frank, she had to describe uh an owl to me and she said the thing that delivers mail and harry potter i don't know what that is

i said a postman with a pointy hat i don't know i've never read it or seen it i was uh i like the fact that i was a clue though i'm fine that was good i think it's always better to that that's when you you know you've arrived when you're in you've arrived. I remember I was the clue in the mirror quiz word. I felt so proud. Did you get a centre square photo? No, they don't do that in the mirror quiz word. You're thinking Posler. Yes, I am.

Now, mirror quiz word is... I don't know what the mirror quiz word is. It's a strange... You know how Ken Barlow is supposed to have gone to university in Coronation Street? Oh. And in the pub, they saw him as this kind of weird... If ever there was anything odd that came up in conversation,

there's someone to say, Here, Ken, you went to university. And you were seen as some weirdo, freak, brain boy. A bit like Graham Lasseau. Yeah, exactly. Well, the mirror quiz word is a bit like that, because it's in the mirror, which I think is a red-top tabloid, and it's the most difficult crossword it's like general not there's questions about

classical music i mean and then there'll be one about golf and then there'll be came second in women's javelin in the 1964 olympic i mean the most difficult it's in the mirror i maintain it's never been completed by anyone. I got within one clue of it once, one of the proudest moments of my life. And that was a postal district in New Zealand. I mean, give us a chance. But absolutely brilliant.

Mirror quiz word. Look it up. It's in every day. I'm not here to sell newspapers, but I am here to sell knowledge. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio absolute radio you can text us on 8 12 15 and it can be about what we were talking about which was about um people using advertising slogans in everyday life a la david cameron and he's um calm down dear or it can be about anything you like it It could be about paint shades. It could be about all sorts.

Whether you like Odin Nil, for example. Someone, Frank, has just texted in, maybe Kath was playing a board game with you, Frank, and her answer was Earl Grey with the dagger in the teacup. Which I like. In case you've just tuned in, I was talking about the fact that my girlfriend gave me a cup of tea with UHT milk and a knife to stir it.

And I think it did stir it, big time. It's how I imagine Jack Sparrow stirs his tea. Jim has texted in, said, ah, proper excuse to text you. Of course you can, Malcolm, it was from a Vixinex nasal spray ad, and by an almost interesting coincidence, I used that very expression in a text this week, and was trying to work out where it was from. I shall sleep better forthwith.

Well, thank you very much for that. Of course you can, Malcolm. No, Mum. Anyway. Michelle Heaton was in the paper this week. Do you remember Michelle Heaton? Yeah, she used to be in that. What was that fabulous reality TV?

Well, she was Liberty X. Yeah, but what was that one? Scott Thingy. Yes. Lisa Scott Lee. Yeah, she was an occasional character in that, Michelle Heaton. Yeah, I remember her. Really?

Yeah. That was before you got Sky. Is she back? Has she bounced back? Well, she's on holiday. Oh, well. So it must be doing all right for a sample. Been on holiday for about seven years.

And she's wearing a bikini. Okay, well, she was, you know, she was an attractive woman. Yeah, no, and she's looking... I mean, she ain't no Kate Middleton, but she's attractive, I'd say. She's got those tattoos. You know, those tattoos are mainly writing. Oh, yeah.

She's got those tattoos. She had something on her mainly writing oh yeah she's got those tattoos she had something on does she have a gary goldsmith which i like if you spend god will send i don't know what they are but they're quite uh it's almost like these people if i may use that phrase are so fascinated at the idea that anyone can do double writing that they want it immortalized anyway what's she been up to well her husband husband has tweeted a picture of her in the bikinis and said, wifey is so hot, so he's... Oh, that's horrible. That's funny, because I texted a picture of my girlfriend,

and I put knifey. I think what's happened is the tea, it's taken the heat from the tea. It's a metal handle, I had no chance. I don't like people that call their girlfriend, I don't like wifey, it's horrible. It's nice that he still thinks his wife is hot, though. Yeah, but don't call her wifey. No, I know what you mean. Oh, awful.

It's almost that my worst is men that go, my lady. Do they say that? Yes, I've heard a 70s DJ say that about Swedish air hostess. Milady. I've never... Oh, I don't know. My dad used to call my mum wife. What do you mean?

In what context? He'd say, like, you know, what told me having dinner, wife? He did not. He did, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Where's me... Where's me...

Where's me... Where's me armlets, wife? He used to say. Armlets? He used to wear armlets. What are they? What's that? They're like elasticated things with a metal finish that you wear over your biceps, and they give you a nice cough line below the jacket.

Is that right? Yeah. Where's me armlets? He was a Mississippi gamb gambler which wasn't easy in west bromwich so how do you couldn't get those steamers up the canal how do you refer to cat then you just say my girlfriend don't you yeah i mean it's uh it's tricky isn't it because when you're my age girlfriend does that mean that sounds a bit strange i don't think so i don't want people thinking i'm going out with some you know flibbibbity-jibbit 20-year-old.

I think that's the nice way to refer to it. Because partner sounds a bit like, I don't know, you're in business together. Well, that would make people ask other questions as well. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Yeah. But, yeah, if I said my partner, David Furnish, that's what I think. When I hear the word partner, I think David Furnish.

To me, he's the only partner. And everyone else are just imitators. I always like when people say my squeeze. Yeah, I don't mind that. She's my squeeze. I quite like that. But the thing is, I mean, you know, me and Kath have been on and off. Nine on ten.

Yeah, if you count the knife in the cup, off for about a day. On and off for ten years or so, you know. So squeeze, I wonder if i could extend that and say call her my embrace which suggests an advance you don't know my my end fold my end fold too intimate what do you say well you say well my wife yeah my wife well my you do feel funny saying my wife i'm in in the awkward situation at the moment. Yeah, but what do you say to her? Oh, to her, I would say Laws.

Laws? Laws, short for Laura, which is her name. But it's awkward at the moment because we've got a little boy. Like, it's this thing where I've started calling in front of him, I have to refer to her as Mummy. Yes, that does happen. That's a little bit creepy yeah i don't like calling her mummy no that's not what i've heard it seems

i know i snapped at gareth this morning i'd like to apologize on there did he call your mummy no he said have you got that newspaper or something? I said, I don't know. I'm not Laura. I snapped. I know. I did say thank goodness. I know you did. And I said, yeah. I think that's okay. You can either have an apology or a comeback.

Frank, 131. I met my missus on the internet, so I call her Wi-Fi. I met my girlfriend on the internet. I call her Fong Hai He Frank we were talking about Michelle Heaton rather alarmingly and someone's got to

we were asking people words I never thought I'd say I think we're the only show on Amstead that doesn't talk about Michelle Heaton on a regular basis. It's about time we... Oh, Ronnie's all over her. No, I don't think he is. Oh, OK. Wifey's so hot, is what he said.

That's how he talks. Ronnie? Yeah. Yeah. 514... I don't think he says wifey's so hot. I think there was a rift. We never mention it at Absolute Radio. 514. I don't think he says wifey so often. I think there was a rift.

We never mention it at Absolute Radio. But we had a memo around that we weren't allowed to watch that series strictly. Very, very strict on it. And also, we're not allowed to fraternise with the Crow Man from Words of Gommage. Because apparently him and Ronnie would have a long-running feud. He stole his look. You don't want someone stealing your look. I think he actually drove him out of at least three fields. But we were talking about, because he referred to her as wifey,

we were talking about monikers, or ways in which you would refer to your partner. I'm liking your new reader start here, summary. I like to sum it up for them. Fabulous. 514, I refer to my partner as baby mother. That's nice. Baby mother.

But is this to her face? Would he say, um, baby mother? Yeah. Any of your dad's stuff. Is this UHT? Is that what he'd say? Well, 424 says, my whole family always refer to each other by their relationship to them. So, wife, son, etc.

That's from Tim. I like that. That is brilliant. That's, oh, it's like a Scandinavian movie. It's brilliant. 131 says, presumably Gareth will always stay with his wife, which will make him law-abiding.

I mean, this is... They're pawn... I'm going to write that down. They're pawn lovers. Probably going to use that. Happy pawn. Going to use that? Probably.

OK, you can have it on a T-shirt. Lovely. And we've also had brilliant tweets this week. Or people have been tweeting. No. You don't do Twitter. I don't have no trot with it. Well, you should...

Maybe you should monitor it, because there have been all sorts of gossip flying around. Maybe you should monitor it, you know what I'm saying? All sorts of gossip flying around on Twitter about you, Frank. That's it with Twitter. It is gossip, isn't it? Breaking news. Wittgenstein revealed to have had love affair with Frank Skinner. Ah, yes. You have not mentioned that. No, I didn't.

I was a bit horrified when I saw that. A few people have pointed that out to me. Look, I didn't. I was a bit horrified when I saw that. A few people have pointed that out to me. Look, I was young. I didn't know what I was doing. I was in an Austrian pub in, maybe about, I'd say it'd be about 1920. Anyway, he was a bit drunk.

He was arguing about logical positivism with a couple of guys, and my knees just went. I don't know what it was. No, he was, yeah, Wittgenstein, who some of you will know from the old Monty Python song. And Wittgenstein was a bearded swine, he was always sloshed a schlegel, that one.

Yeah, he had a gay lover called Francis Skinner. Francis Skinner, yeah. And they've only really found out this week, because they've found a lot of letters. What a brilliant namesake. It is, yeah. I was actually quite proud about it because although I'm a heterosexual myself

I always think that homosexuals have got a bit more coolness about them They seem a bit like, they're a bit edgy and a bit different and a bit independent, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so I'm getting some secondary coolness Wittgenstein said if a lion could talk, we couldn't understand him If a lion could talk, we couldn't understand him. If a lion could talk, we couldn't understand him. Yeah. Depends what language he was talking. Yeah. I imagine it would be

some obscure African tribal tongue which he picked up on the road. I know what he says. Hakuna Matata. That's what they say in the animal kingdom. Too growly. Well, I found Lenny the lion had perfect diction. I listened to him for many years. Frank, we had another tweet saying, Frank Skinner... Hold on, hold on, it's Sandy

Wartime! That stops every... Sandy Wartime, if old age pensioners just tuned in, it's wartime, oh my god, they're underneath the shed. God bless them for their joining in us. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Frank Skinner. Youute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It looked like the Duke of Edinburgh was singing along to it on the telly. Yeah, can you not tell people that we have the telly on? It's very unprofessional. You watch it sometimes. Did you know that Kate Middleton was voted the third best-looking royal of all time? Who were the other two?

the third best-looking royal of all time. Who were the other two? I think it was Princess Grace and... I can't remember. So of any nationality. Yeah, but of all time. Does Princess Anne not get a look in? No. I thought Guinevere was hot.

Yeah, but that's it. They shouldn't have done of all time. I mean, you know, there's no surviving pictures of Eric Bloodaxe. No. So for me, the whole vote's a sham. Anyway. Frank, remember I began to read you a tweet and then Sandy Waugh got involved? Yes.

But the other tweet I wanted to read you said... She's got a job to do, like everyone else. The other tweet I wanted to read said, Frank Skinner looks dead cute on the Walkers crisp packets. Massive eyes. Well, massive eye. I've worked out recently that one of my eyes is getting a bit

bigger than the other and it's terrifying. You're like someone on an Eels album cover. Yes. Well, I just look like an eel. That's lovely, isn't it? I don't know if she means cute as in attractive or cute like a woodland animal. Cute.

Either way, it's quite nice. Yeah, I'm happy. I'm happy to be slightly Sylvanian if it comes down. It reminds me a little bit of when Michael Caine apparently saw his wife. Is it Shakira? He saw her doing a coffee advert on the telly. I remember the advert as well. She's very bossy and low-cut and it's shaking coffee about.

And he said to his agent, I really fancy this woman on the telly, but she's Brazilian. I'll never get to meet her. And he said, no, no, she's not Brazilian. She lives in Ealing. And they met and married. It's all lovely. Well, why does this remind you of that? Well, because I'm thinking that this woman probably, you know, is doing

a similar thing. She thinks this bloke's unobtainable. You know, he wears oven gloves all the time. He probably has severe scarring on the hands. You're letting her know you're available. No, I'm not at all available. That's what spoils it. But, yes, I am very big-eyed on it.

I should say that the people from Walkers did slightly tease my thyroid just before the photo to get that look. Yeah, there was a probe used i was all right with it you know you got to um you got to make an effort the other day this is a i went out and i actually realized that i had the shirt you know i know i'm wearing a blue shirt on the crisp packet yes in case you don't know i was recently on a crisp packet for comet relief um and i was i realized i was wet because they gave me the comet relief um and i was i realized i was wearing because they gave me the shirt at the end of the at the end of the thing yeah it's a bit of a treat and and i thought oh god my crisp i hope no one noticed you know you know that you know

those dreams that people have when they're out in the in in the packet in the crisp packet shirt and they suddenly realize it in the street it was that and i thought if someone comes over and says oh isn't that the shirt you wore on the crisp packet? I'm going to feel cheap. No, that's exactly what they want. It's a bit like if you saw Prince William, I'd want him to wear the Pete Doherty red military jacket. Because that's how he is in my mind's eye now.

I think that's a very rewarding experience, seeing you in the blue shirt. Okay. See, if I saw Prince William, I'd want him to be wearing a big Elvis wig. Just to make him think, you know, oh God, I've had enough of the jibes. Yes, I kind of like the... I don't often get the word cute as an adjective, so I'm going with that. That was my moment.

Lovely. Rob from the West Midlands says he calls his wife Wifeo, and she calls him Hubbio. I don't know how he gets away with that in the West Midlands says he calls his wife Wifeo and she calls him Hubbio I don't know how he gets away with that in the West Midlands it's hard to imagine are you trying to tell me something Emma are we nearing the end we didn't even get to talk about

Kate Middleton's errant uncle Gary Goldsmith no maybe another week the man from Maison de Bang Bang? Do you know he's got a house in wherever he lives, Spain or something, called Maison de Bang Bang. He has? Yeah, which

is a sort of house of sex, you know. Yeah. Oh, really? Gary. Gary! Leave it! He did look like a proper British bloke at a wedding, though. Frog suit shaved head. That's what you want at a wedding, isn't it? I wish he had wraparound shades. I'm sure he did.

Oh, God. Yeah, he had wraps of all kinds. So, anyway, if you want to listen to Not The Weekend podcast, which is a podcast we do separate from this show, that will be available for download on Wednesday. Available for download. It's all computers now. Ben Jones is next.

I can't think of any other information that you need, really, other than it's been beautiful talking to you as ever. Love is in the air. Get out there. Enjoy the sunshine. And I love you all. Tina, bring me the axe.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.