The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Sexy MP's

Episode Date: June 7, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth discuss window shopping, sexy MP's and the old fashined thoughts of V.S. Naipul.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner Oh, God, these headphones are cold. I've just put them on and they've taken my head in a vice-like grip.

I'll be straight with you. It's like I would imagine if you kept some sugar tongs in the fridge and then grabbed, say, the head of, let's say, a wren, a small wren or a robin with them. This is what it would feel like. Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and this is the Not The Weekend podcast for Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and with Gareth. Hello. Hi, Frank.

Yes, with Gareth. And it's lovely to be here as ever. I always, at the beginning of these, I always have a bit of a scratch. Ah. I don't know why that is. No, not in any way on to ward, just generally. I don't know what it is. It's just a general itchiness.

It's probably the damp down here in the cellar. Although they have just... Sorry, I think my phone is vibrating. Oh, can you believe it? They've cleaned the car. The work's coming in, eh? The next job. I mean, I just feel... It's a Russell Howard show.

I feel used. It's Moyles. Walking around with a creaky chair like on the Saturday show. You always get the creaky chair. I think it is me. I don't think it's the chair. I am starting to think that. In fact, I've come to think of it, I'm standing.

I'll tell you what I did this week, which I love to do, and it's something I see as a sort of romantic, like almost like a nostalgia. I'm not big into nostalgia, but I went window shopping. Oh, lovely. I don't know if people do that anymore in this day where there's the Primarks and the Matalans where, you know, everyone can afford to go in and stuff.

But I, there's a tobacconist in Victoria in London. Yeah, I know, I know. Oh, man, they had a pipe selection that would have took your head off. It was absolutely... They had the long stem, the stubby stem, the craggy bowl. They had a pipe rack. I'd forgotten about a pipe rack. Oh, I love a pipe rack.

My dad had a pipe rack. It would hold 12. Was he a pipe smoker? He was, big time. I wish I'd have kept his pipes now, because as I looked at these, there's so many bits and dabs and paraphernalia. I thought, I'd love to smoke a pipe.

I can see you with a pipe. I think I'm of an age now. It's slightly Harold Macmillan, that sort of vibe. Well, I'm thinking... Harold Wilson, I'm sorry, not Macmillan. That's another one I'm getting mixed up. Dan Dare. Can I just say, when I was a young man,

if there was a woman who was sort of borderline attractive, but you wanted to make it clear that you still thought she was attractive, shall we say enough, you used to say, well, you know, I wouldn't climb over her to shake hands with Errol Wilson. Maybe I'll try and bring that back as a catchphrase on the show. Maybe not. I think in the modern age, it's a very strange reason. Yeah, it might be somewhat lost.

Yeah, it does. No, Dan Dare. I'm sorry, we should introduce ourselves. Dan Dare. He smoked a pipe. And he was, I'd say he was younger. I'd say Dan Dare was, what, mid to late 30s. Was he a superhero? He was was um he was a spaceman pilot of the future it's a bit strange having a superhero who smokes

yeah i don't know if he smoked and when the helmet was on but he did he often i think in those days younger men smoke pipes it was thought to be all right oh maybe i think it would be it would be good for your image though um yeah i don't know i don't know how my girlfriend would take it if i started smoking the pipe they are quite smelly aren't they but the meerschaums i mean they had these meerschaums they were expensive but they're the ones with the face carved on the pipe oh wow now i think that hasn't been fully exploited if you was to come up with a pipe that had, say, Justin Bieber on the front, carved in, you know, a Bieber bowl, shall we call it. I've moved on.

Rowan and BGT now. Yeah, Rowan from BGT. I think the youth would get a lot of teen, teen girl pipe smokers. And, you know, is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. I think it is bad for you. Oh, you know, is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. I think it is bad for you. Oh, it is bad, and if there's any people listening, I'm not saying you smoke a pipe.

I think it's better than crack, though. Oh, yeah, exactly. So if you're getting them off that, that's a good thing. And also, it's very good for the mouth ulcers, I find. If it's got a face on the front, that's a bit like a gargoyle. And you could have a pipe to suck the smoke up and then you could have a dribble, like a lower dribble pipe. Oh, I see. And siphon off some of the drool.

All these are possibilities. But window shopping is a dying art, isn't it? Yeah. Because people, I never see people looking in. They just go straight in. And mine was purist window shopping. The shop was shot. And for me, that's proper window shopping.

That's first class. And then you're not tempted to convert it into, well, let's call it shopping. No. It was absolutely, there was no choice. There was nowhere else for me to go. I was going to window shop and that was that. I like a hardware store, you know. You know when you get the drill bits?

I'm familiar with their displays at the moment. The drill bits, with increasing length, they go from left to right. So it looks like a sound wave. It's fabulous. I believe in China they go from right to left. I don't know that for sure. Oh, I know.

It's sort of a xylophone effect. Yeah, exactly. And they're pinned on the back, you know, the back board. I love the for sure. Oh, I know what you mean. It's a xylophone effect. Yeah, exactly. And they're pinned on the back, you know, the backboard. I love the backboard. That backboard, which takes the wire holders. I mean, in an hardware store. And also, sometimes you'll get a door section with, say, 10 door handles on one door. Wow.

And I've thought about doing that at home. Like a mods lambretta with all its wingmen. Wouldn't that be great? I could do with one of those, actually. What is that? When the traffic flows. You want a turnstile. For men of different heights.

He ping-ping. Well, I think he's all right with a cab flap. I've heard that. ping yeah well i think he's all right i've seen him limbo under a uh under a toilet door no that was kagendra tapamaga oh was that yeah oh you're right yeah oh i know my world's shortest men yeah i think i think ping pong he didn't quite he wasn't quite. He pinged him. What's he called? He pinged him. He pinged him. I call him. Ping pong. James Bond villain or something.

I saw him trying limbo under a toilet door and he lost his shirt bot. And to me that doesn't count. You know, if that had been one of those, the normal limbo poll, it would have been off. Can I just say, Frank, re, I'm replying in a sort of email form. Re-window shopping. There are two types of window shopping I'm not so keen on. Don't like smug couples outside estate agents. No, I know what you mean. With a hand in the back of the jeans pockets.

It's those ones. Looking at properties well out of their price range. I've seen you. What about couples that are jewellers? That's always a... Oh! That's always a difficult one i can't bear that no women on their own outside the jewelers i never do that that's not a good look

no you just look inherently mournful that's i believe what they call case in the joint that is that that's there's some sort of roguery lined up there it's my bit you're a window shopper gareth i am i am on the way here well actually we've been to the music shop together um on charing cross road indeed that we were and they've they've got like they've got the q chord which is the modern omnicord that i don't know if it's any good but i do like to have a look at it yeah well i have a look at it i think you are a classic example of the sort of man who looks in music shop windows, if you don't mind me saying. I am that man.

Lovely guitars in there. No, I didn't like it. There was a strange incident, I seem to recall, in that music shop that I didn't like. Oh, that was a different music shop. That was when Gareth lost his temper about the Blur songbook. It was a bit delayed in its arrival. Do you remember that? It was very poor service.

It was a strange incident. It was horrible. It was, yeah. He was standing there like a wazzock. Who would have thought a blur songbook could have led to such anxiety in a man of my age? But, oh, no, I thought, please bring it now, or the timpani will be through the window, is what I thought. Yeah, could have made a lot of racket in there.

So, I am genuinely toying with the pipe thing now. I think you should. I've got a church warden, which is the long stem with the small bowl. Oh, really? And the nice thing about that is... I thought you were referring to your neighbour. You have got a church warden in many ways.

Kidnapping. Yeah, and that looks... But I think that might be ostentatious. You have got a church ward in them anyway. Kidnapping. Yeah, and that looks... But I think that might be ostentatious. They had some of the very short stem. I know them. I think your nose hairs can enjoy the warmth. Dangerous. Yeah, and I like that,

because that will go in a breast pocket and just out for a quick... I like men with pipe. It reminds me of my childhood, sort of philosophers in the front pocket and just out for a quick... I like men with pie. It reminds me of my childhood, sort of philosophers in the front room. It's nice. I tell you, my phone's ringing. Why don't you turn your phone off?

Russell Howard? He's more like Richard Blackwood lining up his dates. Awful. Oh, dear. So, who is the sexiest MP in the United Kingdom? That's what you're all wondering back home. And we've got the answer. Actually, I haven't got the answer.

Well, you've got the answer to this, Gavin. We've got the answer? We don't have the answer. We've got the least sexiest. Oh, well, how typical to take a negative approach. We've got the internet down here. I believe the least sexiest is Emma's MP, how typical to take a negative approach. We've got the internet down here. I believe the least sexiest is Emma's MP. Emma, our producer, is that right?

Yes, Jim Shannon. Oh. Have you met him, Emma? No. OK. You're actually answering the phone now. No, I'm trying to turn it off. Some of you might know that Gareth is leaving us.

People are doing nice tweets is what's happening and it's telling me that tweets are coming in. OK. It's nice. Still. Four days off. It's amazing. I found, well, I had personal favourites on this list.

Because I've seen, basically, you go on, you know it's all online, you go on and you vote yourself. And obviously that's how they come to these, they get a winner out of it. I chose, actually, Chris Kelly, Dudley South. That's your neck of the woods, isn't it? Well, it was. Oh, he's moved on. I used to have, when I lived in the West Midlands,

I had a bloke called Andrew Foulds, who was a big bearded Brian Blessed type of bloke who was in The Music Lovers. You know that Ken Russell film? Oh, yes, I do, yeah. He was in several Ken Russell films, and then I moved to London, and my local MP was Glenda Jackson, also in...

Of course. Yeah, they'd been in... So I had two MPs in different parts of the country who'd both been in the same film. Wow. If Harry Hill was here, I think I'd know what he'd say at this point. What a little...

Oh, I thought it was going to be which is better. Like, I've got those two MPs, but which is better? There's only one way to find out. No, that happens at the end, doesn't it? No, I don't. I don't get to the end.

Very popular show. It's good. It is. It's a very... Yeah, Kate. My current one is Kate Hooey. Oh, have you got Kate Hoo hooey i've got kate i'm i quite like her yeah now she is i mean i mean she's a i don't say how old she is but i think you

know she's a mature woman but she is stylish she is she's very chic i'll tell you what she likes the women i think i can call it a middle age a middle-aged woman. There's a certain type of middle-aged women. They love a scarf. They love a scarf. I think we all know who their queen is, don't we? Well, I think it was... We've seen her ourselves, in person. I think that was Jenny Murray at the Sonys,

who, look, I'm sure there was curtain rings on that scarf. I think she'd been behind an arse, heard her name mentioned, raced through and just got tangled up. There was an Andrex Poppy feel to her, to her girl. Yeah, but Kate Hooey, she does a similar thing. She'll wear a fairly plain outfit. Oh, my God. She'll go for it.

And I'm wondering about those big, I mean, can you even call them a scarf? It's more like a throw. It's very good. It's a throw, possibly even a wrap. Well, yeah. And she... There ought to be a show called, for middle-aged women,

called It's All About the Scarf. I mean, I don't think Gok Kwan, he wouldn't be right for it. It'd be more... Christopher Trace used to be on Blue, he wouldn't be right for it. It'd be more Christopher Trace. He used to be on Blue Peter. I could see him doing it. It's all about the scarf. Is that going to run in tandem with Would You Wear This?

Which is your other Gok Kwan show. Maybe I could host it. Women get to a certain age. I think maybe they don't like their bodies as much as they did when they were young. Women are very sensitive about this. even attractive, you know, shape. But they think they look terrible. And I think what they do is they think, I'm just going to stick with the head.

I'm going to give the head a sort of a spin-off series. I'm going to separate it from the body with swathes of material and let it just sit there. Like it's on a sort of a fabric podium. And that's what Kateate's decision i don't know if that is the reasoning behind it i have to say what do you think you're a fashion expert well thank you very much i am i think they just think it looks i think particularly i agree with you re the scarf and the brooch as well or the big bro yes adornments start creeping in in a way they never did in their youth. And I think it is...

They stop at the shoulder, generally. They do. They don't bother with anything below. I think it's to do with feeling it's a kind of woman of substance thing. That they feel, I don't know, it makes them look a bit more ambassadorial, almost. I think it is a female MP thing, I think you're right. And they embrace the primary colour as well, in a way they never did. Of course, Colonel Gaddafi, he wears

a similar look. Now he's a man who, for my money, he doesn't want to be emphasised in his face. If I was his advisor, I'd say, no, no, no, you want to lose the face. He looks like a man who's constantly experiencing G-force.

Like he's always in a Russian moonshot. I think what it is with the older women is it's for storming out. I think, you know, you spend a lot of your life trying to please everyone and then you think, I'm not going to please anyone anymore. And you want to be able to get in a huff, throw the scarf over your shoulder and storm out. But the scarf never leaves the shoulder. Maybe they start, maybe it's hiding the um you know the wind swept throat you know you sometimes you get a throat that's that's wind affected in an older person maybe it's it's sort of a built-in scarf yeah maybe it's maybe it is really but can i just say something at least they're trying

because men just give up i find it's true if i want no they do frank. Because men just give up, I find. It's true. No, they do, Frank. A lot of men give up. You don't. You've got your nice hoodies and assorted colours. But a lot of men... Can you smoke a pipe with a hooded top? Oh, that's quite dangerous. I might need a chimney or something.

Take some sort of small fabric chimney at the back. In fairness, Frank, your look is constantly evolving and I do respect that in you. It's Darwinian. It is. I go for sort of midlife crisis chic. There's nothing wrong with that. No.

I plan to do the same in some years. When I get the mobile throat, I might go for a cravat, I'm thinking. Or maybe just a bulldog clip. I mean, that would be really challenging youth, wouldn't it? If you had a big, quite a sturdy bulldog clip holding the throat. Oh, yeah. You know, because it tends to split into two.

What it tends to look like is that your Adam's apple is in a toilet cubicle with the door open. You know, there's two flesh walls hanging either side of it. And you clip them together, that apple's going to be as snug as a bug in a rug. My MP is Tobias Elwood, who is number 34. High climber.

Have you seen him? I have, I've met him. Yeah, we did sort of a quiz for Bournemouth Book Week. He's rather handsome, I checked him out. We've got local celebrities together. Oh, really? You and Max Bygrave? Max Bygrave lives in Bournemouth, doesn't he?

No, he's just interested in plots in the cemetery because he likes to buy graves. What? Oh! Oh, I see. I mean, that would be fine. He's attracted to Bournemouth. I'm all right.

I was suggesting you some Birkenhead figure. I think I've done that joke before. Yeah, but what worries me about that joke is not the pun nature of it it's the fact that Max is in his late 80s and the suggestion that he's already purchasing some sort of resting place It takes all the seaside town frippery out of Bournemouth

and makes it a mournful no more than a wasteland for old comics. I've got my plot sorted already. Yeah, no, he was an idiot. I lost my plot. He was an idiot. Tobias Elwood, yeah.

I don't trust an MP with bias in his name. I tell you what I like, though, is when you said he was an idiot, we were both so stunned there was a silence. I'd say that was three seconds. You might have thought I meant Max by Graves. Now, I know this is an audio moment, but honestly, me and Emily were taken aback that you'd say that about a Member of Parliament.

Your very own MP. I have nothing but good to say about Lynne Featherstone. She's yours? She's mine, yeah. Lynne, I don't know her. Is she...?'s yours she's mine yeah lynn i don't i don't know her is she yeah she's not one of the more high profile ones i'm sorry she's not kate hooey with a throw what can you do yeah she's she's there she's she does the job kate hooey can i say was um the school girl high jump champion in northern ireland was she well that's

almost about our mp yeah they used to do. Lynn Featherstone doesn't do much. They'd put the bar up and then they'd put a copious scarf about four foot above it, and she used to leap straight into it instinctively. Pluck it out of the air, like a dog catching a frisbee. Throw the scarf up just as she's arriving. Oop, she went and arrived with it. Sometimes she'd already have a brooch in place by the time she'd landed in the sandpit.

What a woman. When I met Tobias, you can look online at all your MPs' record of their voting. Yeah, but most people don't really do that. I know, but I was meeting him. It's like Wikipedia in somebody. And he had voted, because you vote with your party or against your party,

he had voted with his party on every single vote, apart from a vote about whether you should have mobile phones in the Houses of Parliament. And was he pro or anti that? I think he was pro it. What is his party? I don't understand. He wants to be in the Houses of Parliament with his mobile. No.

Is he some sort of Jamie's Dream School character? With no focus or anything. Oh, he might look good now, but, you know, it's no good saying, so what do we... That's why he votes for the party, because he looks up and goes, erm, and just puts his arm up. Yeah. That's the trouble with Tobias Elwood.

His concentration span is the same as a mayfly so the Hay Festival is on at the moment as you may know and there's big news from the literary world V.S. Napal is that how you say it? he said that he thinks women are rubbish at writing

oh that's a you sounded a bit street then Is that how you say it? Yeah. He said that he thinks women are rubbish at writing. Oh, that's what he said. He sounded a bit strict then. Oh, rubbish at writing. He's doing that deliberately. I don't know. I think... I liked it. Actually, where is he from, VS Naples?

I think he was born in the West Indies. Maybe I was doing his... Is that what he talks like? I don't know. But yeah, no, he said women he said, women writers are different. They are quite different. I read a piece of writing and within a paragraph or two,

I know whether it is by a woman or not. I think it is unequal to me. He says they're not as good. He also said, he goes on about, it's because they're not in control in their own home or something like that.

And then he said his editor, who's female, is a very, very good editor, and then she wrote a book and it was terrible. He said, lo and behold, it was all feminine tosh. Yeah. Oh, tosh is good. You love a bit of tosh.

But at the end of it, he said, I don't mean this in any unkind way, which is a good little catchphrase to have up your sleeve after a vitriol. One thing I, I mean, there's something I slightly admire about VS, and that is that there aren't many people in public life nowadays who are sort of 100% terrible. Most people have got, like someone like Jeremy Clarkson or Simon Kell,

you feel it's a little bit odd, it's a bit of a wink, you know, I'm a bit of a pantomime villain. V.S. Naple, really, truly horrible bloke. And not trying to hide it. No, I'm just... His authorised biographer, his authorised biographer, Patrick French, described him as bigoted, arrogant, vicious, racist, and other things that are even worse.

And that was someone, you'd imagine when you write someone's autobiography, you're slightly falling in love with them. Also, what a strange name, V. As a member of Star Trek or something. What is his name? I don't know. I presume those are initials, aren't they? So pretentious when people do that, though.

Just tell us your name. It's because it's Vanessa. That's what it is. He's hiding the fact like He is an extraordinary looking individual, isn't he? He's 93. 78. No, I think he's 93, isn't he? Oh, sorry. I thought he was mega old.

But he has raised an interesting issue though. In some ways. Because and I'll tell you why. Well I didn't want to say. No but it's interesting that he thinks. You're leaving Gareth you can say he's absolutely correct in every respect.

Good day to you and then you're out. You're out of here. Oh yeah I'll read the end of what the biographer said about him. Well he claims that exactly that if you read any sort of bit of a novel or whatever, you'd be able to tell straight away

whether it was male or female. Yeah, because he obviously thinks women, it's not a job for ladies. Well, also, they do tend to write sometimes in pink. And instead of a dot on top of the eye they do a little heart

that's always a giveaway and there are tear marks or tear stains all over the pages I'd be very surprised if V.S. Naipaul writes in pink and uses a heart instead of a dotted eye and puts a smiley face on the end I imagine he's got

what you might call a nasty face that he puts on the end. I imagine he's got what you might call a nasty face that he puts on the end of his texts. Frowning. Yeah. Misogynist face, whatever that would look like. No. The books my mum reads tend to have some terrible tragedy in it,

like someone gets a disease, someone gets something terrible, and often they're written by women. Is that right? That is true. I have to say, I'm going to be straight about this. When I read it, I thought, that's absolutely outrageous. And then I sat and tried to remember the last novel I'd read that was written by a woman.

And you couldn't. Well, I could. It was, I shouldn't probably say what it... To hell with it. It was Tracy Chevalier that wrote a book about William Blake, a novel. OK.

Rubbish, was it. Frank. Yeah, it was, though. Right. That's not because she was female. Of course. Well, no, but I'm just saying, I find that I don't...

It's not... It's never struck me before. It's never even occurred to me. But I do realise that virtually every book I read is by a bloke. So I don't know if that's some deep prejudice within me or if it's because I only read science fiction. Or is that? There are female science fiction writers.

Well, yeah. But I don't read... My best friend writes screenplays about science Well, yeah. But I don't read them. My best friend writes screenplays about science fiction. Yeah, but I don't read screenplays. What do you think I am? I sit at home and do all the characters. Get the neighbours round. I do.

Get Dr Ray round from next door and say, would you mind being Magneto? Ridiculous. Magneto. Magneto. He says he thinks... He says, call Magneto. I've always called him Magneto. That's an ice cream. Magneto. Ridiculous. Magneto. Magneto. He says he thinks... He says, call Magneto. I've always called him Magneto.

That's an ice cream. Magneto. Just one Magneto. Well, I'm saying I know that... See, that's the trouble. Jane pronounces it Magneto. When I... She's probably right.

When I started reading comics... Yeah, she probably is. They didn't make films about them, so we didn't... My mate used to say Lossie Lane. He did, honest. And he also used to say... Thatie Lane. He did, honest. And he also used to say... That's because he can't read.

World's Finest, which was a thing called World's Finest. World's Finest. But we were guessing. There was a character called Mr. Mixitickick, which was like a Batman sort of imp. And I mean, even now, I don't know. But that's quite... That is a...

That's a... What do we call them? Idiotic Eureka moments. Magneto. Magneto. I've seen the films. It's obviously so ingrained. It's like my dad and Somerset Matham. Oh, I love that.

Yeah, I shall be with that. Magneto. Well, I'm reading, you know, Martin Amis' book, The Pregnant Widow. Martin Amis. Martin Amis. Yeah. Sorry, I'm an idiot myself. Why did you gesture towards me when you said The Pregnant Widow. Martin Amis. Martin Amis. Yeah. Sorry, I made an idiot of myself. Why did you gesture towards me when you said The Pregnant Widow?

No, because I know you've read that book. Yeah, OK. Can I say... You're a lady. There's widow and pregnant in the title. Can I say, I once did a speech at a dinner... You were in black. Don't you stop listening to me.

We are listening, darling. I did a speech at a dinner for Warwickshire Cricket Club, and the chairman of it is called Dennis Amis. Right. And I was a bit late because I was stuck on the... And I said, oh, the traffic was on the motorway. I said, there was something... I think there was something amiss.

Oh. And he went, oh, what was it? Was it an accident? I said, no, no, I think there was something amiss. And he said, yeah, but what was it? And it was a terrible moment. And in the end, instead of explaining it, I just said, oh, I think it was a laureate overture. Oh, no.

So when I meet Martin Amis, if that ever happens, I'm not going to try that. No, but there's someone in that book, and I don't know, I've nearly finished it and I don't know how to say it. What is it? The Lady Beginning With S. Scherzerode.

Sheila? Sorch. Scherzerode. This isn't very interesting. I think it's very, very interesting. No, I get it. Sorch, it's S-A-I-R-O-S-E. Perhaps someone, one of our listeners.

You've read this book. Have you told me you've read a whole book without knowing the title? Get the audio book. S-A-I-O-R-S-E is it? I'll get a new audio book when I've nearly finished the real book. This is the joy of an audio book. Just to see how you say a name. Can't believe I've been saying Magneto. I don't know how you say it.

Is that name there? Is it so... Oh, you've actually got the book out on the radio. I don't know how to pronounce that either. You don't know how to pronounce it either. I don't know how you pronounce it. Emily's read a whole book without knowing how to pronounce that either. We don't know how to pronounce it either. I don't know how you pronounce it. OK. Where is this name? Emily's read the whole book without knowing how to pronounce the name in it. You don't have to say...

Sherazade. Sardinia. No, it's Sherazade. Oh, no, that's a musical term. Isn't it... I don't know how to pronounce that either, Gary. It's something like... Sherazade, is it?

Sherazade, is it? I don't know. It's a musical term, I think. Actually, Rosanna sings in a choir. Do you know what it is? There it is. I'm sure that's a musical term. I think it might be a composer.

Oh, we're kind of pauses like that on an audio show. For goodness sake. You have your book back. I could not read a book with the word pregnant in the title. Can I just say that? Wow, this is putting... What if I was seen? Yes, they put all into...

But what if I was seen on it? You'd see me like the leader of the revolution. I just wouldn't feel happy. Oh, you're suggesting that men aren't involved in pregnancy? People like you that made us an oppressed... Oh, dear. Species. Species, i believe we're a gender if anyone knows how to say that name please text me you can't text in

does it bother you last show ever is about vs nipple yeah it's weird and a character in a martin amos yeah vs nipple we can't say is there such a thing as vs nipples that you can get when it's a runner's get? They're very sort of hard and quite pointed. Like his remarks. I'll tell you what, I really like speaking on the sort of gender, who should do what, you know, women's jobs and men's jobs. I love a female cab driver. Not a specific one, this is not a big one.

I was going to say, I didn't know Kath had changed career. If I get in a cab and it's a woman driving, I think, oh, thank God for... Because for me, every cab journey is an argument waiting to happen. I always think there's going to be some controversy about the fee, where I'm being dropped, the route. You know what I always think there's going to be some controversy about the fee, where I'm being dropped, the route. You know what I mean? It's confrontational.

With a female, I think, oh, it's going to be all right now. No, see, I worry they won't know where they're going and they'll break down and won't be able to change the tux. When you get the receipt, it's written in pink with a little heart instead of a... I had one the other day and she had more make-up than me, massive Jackie O glasses and one of those brooch wrap affairs, Kate Whoey wraps around her shoulder. And as we got halfway, and long nails,

and we got halfway through the journey, and she went, oh, I haven't turned the meter on, silly me. Which I thought was great. She was living up to the stereotype. More make-up than you, you say? Yeah. OK. You sure it wasn't a member of KISS?

We had that lady cab driver in Blackpool that time. Do you remember that? Yes. I think she just about qualified, yeah. And what something happened of note in that? Was it, again, reminiscing? Yes. Perfume.

Yeah. She liked my perfume. She liked... But. She liked... She could smell because you sprayed it on her to mask. No, but there's a strong smell of cigarette smoke about it. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I'm not

partial. I'm getting an urge to smoke again. On the pipe? But also cigarettes, I'm getting the urge quite a bit um and i i'm wondering if i could smoke just a bit just a little bit and then put it out would that be all right and my idea is that i'll only smoke exploding cigars because you only get what do you get i mean i know it depends where they place the explosive, but you're lucky, I find, with an exploding cigar,

if you get an inch and a half down before it goes. And I think that's the way forward. Yeah, I'm on 20 a day. Really, what do you smell? Exploding cigar. Oh, really? Where are your eyebrows? To hell with my eyebrows. Not so much lung cancer, more danger of shell shock. Yeah, exactly.

Having said this, I don't like a female blacksmith. No. I don't want to be Napoleon, but I don't know if you've ever tried getting... Because you have to work topless as a blacksmith. Have you ever tried trying to get the smell of smoke out of a brassiere? Yes, I have, actually. And it's difficult, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. I find it clings to the underwiring. Yes, I have, actually. And it's difficult, isn't it? Oh, yeah. I find it clings to the underwiring. Yes, I find. Do you know, and funnily enough, I went into a lingerie shop the other day and there was a man working there. Now, that's no place for a man, and I was getting a bra fitting.

Oh, what? Yes. Oh, he didn't give me the fitting, obviously. No, no. But I just thought I didn't like that the fitting, obviously. No, no. But I just thought... I didn't like that there was only a thin curtain separating him and the bra fitting. I thought it was wrong.

No, I agree with that. I think I'd be suspicious of that character. Well, me and Laura, we went... Laura and I, my wife, went to have this baby scanned and the sonographer was a man. They write down everything you say. Sit in the corner like this. Sonographer, that's the man who does it.

Yes. And the only bit that was different because he was a man is that there's a bit where Laura has to pull her jeans down to let the bump and they put a bit of tissue down the front of the jeans. And he did that?

And he didn't do that. No, he just sort of gave her the tissue and said, oh, if you could put that down the front. Well, he knew his place. Yeah. Unlike the man in the bra fitting shop. It's odd, that, because I've always assumed that men did do that. Oh, really?

I don't know why. See, there again, that'll be some deep inner prejudice, because it's a bit of a science technical thing. I thought, well, obviously. I imagine some boffing in a lab coat and spectacles. I just say whatever it is, the baby. Yeah, that's what I'm expecting it to be. A bit Zanussi, the appliance of science.

Yeah. That kind of thing. Like that blue Muppet who wore glasses. Who are you talking about? Yeah. He was the sort of sciencey Muppet. wore glasses. Who are you talking about? Yeah. He was the sort of sciencey Muppet. I thought you were talking about that bloke in the science lab who had the bad circulation problems.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.