The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Showbiz

Episode Date: May 28, 2011

Frank tells Emily and Gareth about his showbiz week involving Pygmalion, Paul O'Grady and a shared passion.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Yes, you got it right. And I'm with Emily and Gareth. Good morning. And you can text us on 8-12-15 about anything. I mean anything. We might not necessarily read it out, but it could be the most obscure thing, the most mainstream thing. It could be Cheryl Cole's dismissal, for example. I'm not saying we're going to talk about that.

But would it be true to say that the Americans, this is a joke coming, right? Yeah, OK. If anyone at home who's, don't have a drink of tea just at the moment, I don't want to choke anyone. Just settle down. Swallow whatever you, stop that. OK, take ear cut it's a joke this is quite a build-up joke on the way the confidence of the man no well i'm not that confident but i you know just in case it's a sort of joke that some people will think absolutely hilarious and uh and some people so the americans could it be said that they've um ready could it be say could it be said that they've... Ready? Could it be said... Could it be said...

Let's get it right. Could it... The Americans. Could it be said that they've sent coal to Newcastle? Oh. OK, and relax. How does that rate as a response from an audience? Oh.

It's not one I'm unfamiliar with. I like to operate in a complete vacuum of silence. Does Cheryl Cole live in Newcastle anymore? No, but her accent, you see, in a way she's been exiled back to her roots. It sounds like a very mainstream sort of thing you might get on a works email from the office joker. You know, that guy with the Homer Simpson tie.

That guy, who no-one actually likes. It's an email you might get from him, except there's a metaphor of being returned to Newcastle as if being dismissed because of one's ethnic roots. It's rather clever, really. It's multi-layered. It's not that clever. I just thought I didn't want it to go unnoticed. I understand.

Most of the jokes today I'm going to frame ornately in that fashion. It's so lovely to be here today. I am thinking it might rain, but who cares about that if you listen to it on the radio. Where you are, it might be smashing. I've been out on the town this week in a fabulous showbiz. And I have to say, I had an occurrence. Oh, dear. Are you all right? Well, I was on the red carpet outside the Garrick Theatre in the West End of London. That's a thespy red carpet, slightly different.

Very thespy. And it was the opening night of Pygmalion. Oh, yes. Slightly different. Very thespian. And it was the opening night of Pygmalion. Oh, yes. And so I was standing there, and I'd been invited by a friend,

who's a female friend who works in the theatre. So I arrived alone, and then they said to me, various paparazzi, people went, Frank, Frank, Frank, for photographs, you know. So I stood there, and I said to her, oh, come on, get in the photographs in the photographs and I did photographs with this woman and then one of the photographers as it subsided at the end and being photographed by the paparazzi

is a bit like kissing you want to be the one who breaks away first ideally you don't want to be there for the last flash and then relax in just normal light and then leave and then you know trevor as trevor mcdonald comes up behind exactly and i don't want you know who got a bafta for um being able to read out loud on um so congratulations to trevor if he's i shouldn't think he's up before about one. No, he's quite louche. He is quite louche. So anyway, as I was leaving, one of the paparazzi,

it's quite a sort of a... If you can imagine a downhill daddy war box type of figure, says to me, oh, you can take your daughter inside now. And I laughed and I went in and I started watching Pygmalion and about 20 minutes in I thought, hold on, hold on a minute. For all he knew,

that could have been my girlfriend or wife. Yeah, well, exactly. And then it would have been, it was actually a terrible, scathing insult. It could have caused a lot of problems. And isn't it horrible when you don't realise the insult until after, so it's too late to do anything about it. Try living with me.

Yeah. Well well it's um shall i oh go on no i don't people saying take your mother inside now oh it was me and david baddiel coming at you this morning but it was it was it was very fine in in lots other ways. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Cara Toynton. Cara Toynton. Now, she's what I call STH. Do you know what that stands for? I hope it's not a very badly put together anagram.

No. It's Surprisingly Talented Hottie. Yes. Because she's actually a very good actress. I have to say she was a very good Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion. And I spoke to her. I did a strange thing, actually, because she had a mir good Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion. And I spoke to her I did a strange thing actually because she had a mirrored dress on. A dress with proper

sections of actual glass mirror. Very directional. I mean how you'd wash something like that, I don't know, I imagine it's sort of two parts Lenore, one part Winderlein. But anyway, I spoke to her and I realised, as I was speaking, I was absentmindedly,

I'd just had a, what do they call those little hors d'oeuvres? Canapes, darling. I had a canapes. Yeah, canapes. And it had a mint leaf in it. I ate the lot, I don't care. I thought, mint leaf, lovely, I won't have to clean my teeth now. But of course it left quite, you know,

it can leave quite a bit of green in the teeth. Especially in your teeth, Frank, no offence. Well, my teeth hold food like... Birmingham teeth. Yeah. And as I was speaking to her, I caught myself absentmindedly checking my teeth in her dress. I don't know if that's altogether polite, is it?

And what a strange coincidence, because someone told me that they'd been for dinner with Michael Stipe once, and at the end of the meal, he'd picked up a knife and checked his teeth in the knife. And I met Michael Stipe, and I asked him about this. He said, oh, yeah, he said, I learnt that from Audrey Hepburn. And, of course, Audrey Hepburn played Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady and the whole thing comes around, in my end is my beginning, as I believe T.S. Eliot said.

Is that how he puts... You know how Michael Stipe has just a thin line of blue make-up across his eyes? Is that because he uses the knife? And he thinks, oh, I've done it all now, but that's the only bit he can see. I think he actually goes paintballing in a burka. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had some texts in already this morning. What, on 8-12-15? Frank, it's a good thing you didn't realise the comment by the paparazzi was an insult straight away, or you may have snapped. Oh! They're off. Very good.

We've had a... This is from the iPhone user app. We don't need to know how they sent it, darling. What's that? Is that a pub? Very poorly named pub. It's a bit of a last minute thing. What are we going to call it?

Oh, um... Hold on, what's in my pocky? The iPhone user app. Arms. Hi, everyone. Please mention the Rug family in Sweden. Have a great day. Who's that from?

That's from Barry Rug. Barry Rug? Oh, it's been a while. It's been a while. We don't normally do those comments. We mention them. In what context? Actually, I think it says Absolute Radio 80s. I think it might be Absolute 80s. Well, he sounds more Absolute 70s, Barry Rugg. We don't get many Barrys these days. If Barry Rugg walked in on his wife and she was with another man,

would he pull the rug from under him? It's all right, you won't hear that. He's listening to Absolute 80s now. He's probably boogieing on down to Howard Jones. Bit of Lamar. Frank, we've had a Correzione from John. Oh. Hi, Frank.

There's no such word as paparazzis. Paparazzi is the plural of paparazzo. Good story, though. John, that's your manager. Well, if that was a good story, what's Beowulf? What's Gawain and the Green Knight? What's the pearl? Anyway, thanks for that correction.

So if I said there's more than one paparazzi, I say there's paparazzo. I think you'd sound awful if you said that. I'd stick to how you were. I was in a cafe with a man once who ordered duet cappuccino. An English man. At least he didn't say cappuccino. Cappuccino? I have heard that.

I'd be happier with that. I prefer ignorance to grandness. I don't like drinking trousers. Ah! A cup of Chino. He's on fire! No, he's actually on fire. But don't worry, it's going to be...

Everything will be fine. Paul O'Grady was at the opening night at Pygmalion. Oh, was he? Oh, yes, he was. Now, you get on quite well with him, don't you? Paul O'Grady was at the opening night of Pygmalion. Oh, was he? Oh, yes, he was. And, um... Now, you get on quite well with him, don't you? Well, we have a common... we have a common love. Northern canines?

Um, no. Oh, OK. Um, Popeye. Really? Yeah, he's both big Popeye enthusiasts. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, what do you know? How did you... how did you discover this?

Well, Al Morrie was, uh, he was our go-between. Oh, he got involved. Yeah, because apparently Paul O'Grady mentioned Popeye to him. I think he actually mentioned olive oil. It was a terrible misunderstanding. And Al Morrie said, you should talk to Frank Skinner. He's a big Popeye fan, and so we bonded over that. I like it.

Who'd have thought Paul O'Grady would be... It's quite surprising. I'm quite a fan of O'Grady, though. Yeah. Oh, God, he's a legendary figure now. And my old dresser was there, Ray. I did a play in the West End at the Whitehall Theatre and in the second half, at one point,

a woman forces me to cover myself in tomato puree. I'm just there in my pants. And I cover myself, and she makes me go right down below and completely cover me, and the audience don't. But, you know, so I'm plastered. And then they had to do a quick scene change. So I race into the wings, and Ray, my dresser, who was one of the gayest men I've ever met,

I mean, you know, it's a good thing. Did he have spectacles on a lanyard? Well, he called the section that he kept in, he called it Fruit Corner. But anyway, well, I would race in, and he would set about me with wet wipes, and I'd do the under the pant area, and he'd do the rest of me.

Yeah, and I said to him, I said, on the last night you can do the whole thing. I said, it's better than a card, isn't it? And he was there, he was telling me about how he'd worked with a comedian and they were doing like a pantomime. It wasn't going at all well, very quiet crowd. And the audience said, and the comedian said to him, well, God, I'm going to have to ask for a round for the police. And he said, what?

He said, yeah, that's what you do with a quiet crowd. So he stopped the action, he stopped the pantomime midway through, walked to the front and said, let's just take a moment out, ladies and gentlemen, to think about the police. What a brave people they are, what a great job they do. Let's give them a round of applause. And everyone gave them a round. And after that he said, they were fine.

That's very good. I'm going to write that down. Well, probably just after the 9 o'clock news you'll probably, anyone who stays with us, can hang around for when I ask the entire listening audience to applaud the police. Frank,

too much info for breakfast time. Frank, stay above the pant line until after the nine o'clock watershed, please. I think that's fair enough. I apologise profoundly. Stay above the pant line. That's a slogan and a half. I went to a sci-fi talk at the British Library this week.

William Gibson was there, a great writer. And he said the slogan for the human species should be, Who knew? I love it. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. Frank, we've had a text in from 131.

Would the police interlude in the panto be called a cop-out? I'll blame Gareth for this. He's led our listeners astray. I so blame him. I'm taking no responsibility for that at all. That doesn't surprise me. Can I discuss something with you guys? One of my mounting obsessions this week...

We're working. We're working. One of my mounting obsessions this week... We're working. We're working. One of my mounting obsessions this week has been... Everest. JLS. Can I tell you why? Because I saw them popping up at the Chelsea Flower Show, which I thought was extraordinary.

Yeah, you never know. It's been on telly all week, the Chelsea Flower Show. Like, it's a really massive deal. Yeah. It's been on telly all week, the Chelsea Flower Show. Like, it's a really massive deal. Yeah. It's a flower show. And JLS, do you imagine that they're... They're not flower fans. I don't see them as horticultural figures at all.

Although I imagine that they went there specifically to buy... You know those flowers that you get that dance if you play music? I've never seen those at shops. Do you know the ones where they play music and they just wobble about? In fact, JLS have stolen their act. I bet they were looking high and low. Have you got any of those?

Amen. Have you got any of those innit flowers? What dance when you play? Like the music. That's what they would be saying. What I didn't like, Frank, in some of the photographs, they had...

Sorry, woman beyond stall saying, you have the neatest hair I have ever seen. I mean, is it drawn on? Well, it's funny you should say that, because one of the Daily Mail online users, who are some of my favourite demographic, are nestling around in there, they've said, love these boys, hard workers,

first-class behaviour, first-class role models. Really? Yeah. First-class behaviour, first-class role models. Really? Yeah. First-class behaviour. I don't know if we can say that. Yeah, you think that would have been bright enough not to sign it, JLS. Marvin off of JLS. Yeah. But no, I did... You know the names.

Oh, yeah. Brilliant. I'll tell you what I found disturbing. The sort of jacket, the detail of the jacket flapping into the gypsophilia they weren't properly dressed i've always found you've seen that film too i had a very confusing conversation just remind me of with my manager he was on about the fact that someone he knew was reading a book and and uh making notes on it let's say her name was suzanne i'll change it to protect the innocent and i I said, I'd love to see Suzanne's

marginalia. And there was a terrible pause at the other end of the film before he worked it out and realised what... I felt tense and I knew I hadn't said anything wrong. Anyway, back to the Chelsea Flower show. Yeah. So I just thought that was quite strange. And then, I

noticed, there was another strange sighting. Kim Jong-il the korean leader he oh yeah i think he uh he likes a cactus no he wasn't at the chelsea he would have been a surprise turn up yeah well you know a girlfriend bought me a cactus back from holiday once oh yeah and it was in a box and she said look what i've got and it's beautiful and i said that's lovely And I put it on the table and a spider came out of it the size of an iPhone. One of the scariest

things that's ever happened to me. Oh. I think it was a plot. Anyway. Is it Jong or Young? I don't know, but I'm sure our listeners will tell us. Let's call the whole thing Our Beloved Leader. He was in a supermarket buying salad dressing i found it i read about this

i read about it and i'll tell you when i read about it because it said yeah it's had a thing about his eating habits and it says it doesn't eat eel i'd eat eel just just for the pun but he um he doesn't like anchovies on a pizza. Oh. Which is the polar... I knew there was lots of things me and Kim Jong-il didn't have in common. But I cannot eat a pizza without anchovies. To me, a pizza without anchovies is not a pizza. It's like a Grand Prix without an accident.

What's the point? And he won't touch them. The good thing is he's very laid back though i don't think he'd have a go at anyone if they brought him the wrong piece he doesn't strike me as the type oh no you'll say no it'll do don't worry about it fabulous glasses yeah sort of prosecution lawyer in crown court those sort of glasses i think it's a bit like um what was the name of the uh george george ito in the oj simpson he liked a big spectacle he was the name of the judge? George Ito in the O.J. Simpson. He liked a big spectacle.

He was the one when the woman said, she said, the prosecution says, what radio station were you listening to when you heard the noise? And she said, KVJF. And the judge went, classic rock. No British judge ever would do that. And also, apparently, when he has rice, he'll only have it if it's cooked over the burning wood from a sacred mountain in Korea.

Oh, I thought I was high maintenance. Exactly. I read once that Joe McKeldry will only have toast cooked over wood from judges' houses. How mighty a fool. Apparently, I think they like Chinese food in North Korea because apparently China is their closest ally and provider

of significant amounts of food aid. Oh. The thing is with Chinese food aid is it fills you up for a while, but then after a while you need some more. Yeah, that is true. I've been to Korea. In fact, I have straddled North and South Korea

with one mighty sort of spread-eagled leg stance. Wow. Bringing them together, that's a beautiful image. Yeah. You can see all the soldiers at the other side looking back at you. I mean, they're just in their pants, the North Koreans. They've got nothing, nothing sticks. But, yeah, and just over the border, you can see a city,

and when you look through the binoculars, it's 2D. They've just built it out of boards that look impressive. Anyway, these aren't interesting or funny things. Potemkin, it's called, the Potemkin Village. Yes, your Potemkin Village. What about that? Anyway, I'd like to know what curious locations our listeners have spotted celebrities in.

It's all very well seen. At the opening night of Pygmalion. I know you've got loads. Not all in my apartment. Teddy Sheringham in Essex coming out of a co-op with Bakewell Tarts. Where are you getting it? What, Bakewell Tarts from Box Fizz? That's a fabulous story.

We were talking about spotting celebrities in obscure places. What about this i mean yeah i was in a small cafe a tiny cafe not even like a flashy cafe the sort of cafe you might have um say uh a pie and chip fry up maybe yeah in siren sester in gloucestershire and uh gary kemp oh came in spandau ballet oh and And the other one is two Kemp brothers, isn't it? Yeah. I thought you were referring to Tony Hadley, who's a friend of the show, as the other one. No, no, no. He means that, yeah, not Martin.

Martin. Not Martin Kemp. Yeah. Gary Kemp. So we sat and chatted, you know. Did you? Mainly about the Bermuda Triangle. But, and then I think I asked him if he'd like to applaud the police.

But no, he's a very nice chap. He's not a fan, apparently. He's a nice chap. Tony in a bun shop in Cambridge. Tony in a bun shop, I know. Oh, yeah. Who? Are all Gareth's celebrity spots patisserie related? Oh, I thought that was a spot, Tony in a bun shop. a bunch i was gonna think can you be a little bit more specific about the celebrity

i was thinking yeah tony hadley tony benny that would make some sense if tony hadley was seen in a bunch it would explain a lot yeah i thought he'd swallowed an airbag. I, uh, my nose is making a lot of noise. I know it's all right. Oh, it's like Gareth kissing. Gareth kissing. What happened to him? Didn't he used to be the Foreign Secretary of the United States of America? Oh, that was Henry kissing. No.

Frank131, I used to regularly see Roy Walker running on the treadmill in the gym of the P&O cruise ship Oceana. Really? Yes. I don't imagine Roy Walker as a jogging type. Oh, no. It's Roy Walker.

Roy Slow Talker Walker. Imagine he's also Roy Slow Walker Talker, if you know what I'm saying. I saw, well, this is an odd one. I was watching, you know those cop shows they have on satellite TV, where it's people like drunks getting arrested in the street on a Saturday night and they sort of pixelate their faces and that

and the cop was saying you know come on Sonic, I'll go out to the purview and all that kind of stuff, I was watching one of those and one of the people that they stopped in the street was Eric Bristow the dance player on a sort of a you know copper action that's so brilliant the bad streets or something like that it was called eric bristow had an argument with someone in the street but

he's quite bad tempered eric bristow that doesn't surprise me yeah um one of my favorites frank i saw martin degville from zigzag sputnik do you remember then yeah he was on a beach in greece and he was it wasn't working for him because he had all these dreads and the piercings i think maybe boots maybe dm boots on the beach as well did he have the netting fingerless gloves you know he used to wear a netting fingerless glove because it's not it's not a sun thing that you want is it You don't want to take them off at the night and you've got all the web work in brown and white on your hand. That would be...

You'd like a Pringle sweater. This is a text from 184. I've just seen Ben Fogle in my local park with his toddler and dog, Janet. Oh, with his toddler and dog. Janet. Ask Janet. I like the idea that Ben Fogle toddler and dog. Janet. Ask Janet, sorry. I like the idea that Ben Fogle's dog was called Janet. And how did this woman know?

Does it have some sort of name tag? Or did she hear him going, Janet, come on now, come away from that. Can I have a little confession corner? I'm not quite totally certain who ben fogel is ben fogel he's um laura's a big fan of ben fogel that doesn't help it's not helping the identity no he was in castaway yeah he was on castaway that's which was the middle class reality show yeah castaway hasn't been on for about 10 years i see no but he's made it he's made it ever so big since then he does as what country file or country watch with gwen humble

he does a show he does something with gwen humble and sort of news he's on he's on a program about he's on a program about a zoo oh my god i've no idea who he is i'm gonna google him let's put some adverts on i can show me some Google images. Fogel, you say? Did he used to live in Fogel's Wood? We only have this excellent. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Natasha said, I swore at Pat Sharp at a cash point in Edgware

where he tried to push in front of me and said, do you know who I am? He never said that. Apparently so. That's a risk, isn't it? At a cash point in edgeware where he tried to push in front of me and said do you know who i am he never said that apparently so he's that's a risk isn't it at a cash point he's a walking quiz he is quite a tough quiz as well yeah i say that's a that's mastermind just wait don't tell me don't tell me yeah come in oh god maybe even ben fogle i'd be out i'd be out in the first round. Maybe he urgently needed money. I'm just saying. Maybe. Maybe he had amnesia.

Frank, we've had some more curious locations for celebs. I saw Russell Grant at the Bomber Shack. I'm worried, I'm already worried. What is that? It's a bar in the British Virgin Islands. Oh, that's what BVI stands for. Well, I hope so, yeah. It looks like quite a intrepid, dodgy place. Does it?

Yeah, but I imagine he's a party animal, Russell Grant. I can imagine him in a sort of Hawaiian shirt. I can as well. You don't need to imagine him. Just an Hawaiian shirt? You can imagine him in? I can imagine him in a bomber shack, I certainly have him in.

Hey, we spotted him in Soho. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But not Russell Grant. Yeah, although to be fair, I would have imagined him maybe to be there. So that wasn't a strange place to see him. Yes. In Soho.

I've got the right blood. This is the one from the remake of Arthur. No, Russell Grant, I haven't seen him for years. No, he's been at the Bomber Shack. Their legendary monthly lunacy parties. Adults only. Tony Hadley at McDonald's. Someone's texted in about seven times about that.

I think that's some sort of veiled gag, isn't it? It's not separate sightings. I like that we've had a whole rush. Poor old Tony. He's suddenly become our default fat man. I was in East Finchley yesterday and I saw... Are you reading this?

This is a true story. And I saw a McDonald's sign and I thought, oh, I'll get a quick burger because I was late for something. Imagine. And it was... They had the lit up McDonald's sign, but when I went, it was the offices for McDonald's. It wasn't actually a McDonald's at all. And they still had the Golden Arches.

Yeah. I bet they get loads of people going in there. Yeah. Into reception. I bet they do. Well, how many stars do they wear in the office section? They must have a general pattern in there. I think they should have to serve food if they've got the arches up.

Well, they should have a few spares for people who are confused. I'd agree with that. Oh, as if I get the urge. I go to Burger King. Anyway. I'm glad we're on the subject of burgers because did you see the barbecue at Number 10 this week? I thought that was going to be a long analysis of Rodin's The Burgers of Calais sculpture.

No, they're one of my favourites. I thought it was inappropriate. Did you see the burger flipping? I didn't like it. You know Obama was over here and there was this big visit, so they did a big PR stunt, essentially, didn't they? He did a lot of that stuff. I thought he was above that.

He's really... I mean, you know, he was an heroic figure and now he's playing doubles table tennis with David Cameron. That, for me, is worse than anything Ryan Kicks did. Can I just say, saying that out loud has sent a shiver through my body. There was a little part that thought that is all right now, isn't it? That's perfectly okay to say. No, I don't

like this. I mean, for me, you might as well have turned up at that barbecue in a stockings and suspenders apron. I didn't like the rolled up sleeves and the ties dangling in the beef patty. It was horrible. It's like Salesman at the ideal home exhibition didn't like that no i i just think he doesn't you don't want him doing stunts you

know that moment remember when you saw keris matthews for the first time when i'm a celebrity get me out of here and thought oh no no that's what i'm feeling about Obama now he's started to do publicity picture things with Cameroonian no good I have to say in their two hours of crunch talks they had 30 minutes alone like just by themselves

they had crunch talks at the barbecue I thought they obviously overcooked it the lettuce they had a big debate. How did that happen? I mean, that was completely charred. Well, I'm sorry. Oh, you're sorry. You make me sick. Kim Jong-il turned up looking for the dressing. Yeah, exactly.

No, but it must be weird when they said, so now's the time for you two to be alone. Oh, yeah. It must be a bit awkward. I ate it when that happened at the barbecue. Why do we have to be alone? I, um, I now realise awkward i ate it when i said to barbecue why do you have to be alone i am i now realize recently i used to get invited to barbecue all the time all the time i mean not all the time summer yeah this summer it's been a beautiful summer i think you'll agree i have not had one invite and i still started thinking about and i said hold on i didn't last

summer either something has happened i can't remember what it is. I think, you know, as you may know, I'm anti-bonfire night because of my Roman Catholic allegiances and I think that that has got twisted around and people are thinking I don't like barbecues. That's what I think. I think it's Chinese whispers.

In case you don't know, Chinese whispers are whispers with no concern whatsoever for human rights. Oh, I just let him finish whistling. That was Happy Mondays with Step On. It's a great track, that, hasn't it? It's really... It's lifted me up. Whereas if we played Lift Me Up by Gerry Halliwell,

I'd step on it. Oh, I thought you were a big fan of her work. No, I do. I like Gerry Halliwell. She's the best Spice Girl. I beg to differ. Do you? Victoria Beckham fan. Can you believe this is

May 2011 we're talking about our favourite Spice Girl. That's how topical this show is. Limey. 131 has texted in about... 131's texted in all morning. Don't think I don't remember a number because I do. About Obama

and Cameron. No wonder all those politicians went to the barbecue they're used to grillings which um david cameron did that joke on the day oh did he actually yeah i mean it's probably the first time in history i can say a british prime minister has given an american president a bit of a grilling oh which sounds like quite a nasty accident that happened yeah maybe that did happen. Obama with a big bandage on, very upset. You don't want to be seeing David Cameron as your comedy mentor. 1-3-1.

Is it 1-3-1 or 1-3-0? 1-3-1. Yeah, 1-3-0, he's the younger brother, isn't he? I saw that, did you see that Obama, he said, when he spoke at the House of Commons, he said, I've been told that the last three speakers to address the House of Commons has been the Pope, the Queen and Nelson Mandela, he said, which is either a very high bar or the beginning of a very funny joke. And I thought, well, you know, Barack, if it's the beginning of a very funny joke,

let's see the end of it. Nothing. Well, exactly. He's lost it. So I thought, it's a joke coming here now. Oh, yeah. Did you finish it off for him then? Let's just get ready for this. There's a joke coming.

So I thought, what about this? He could have said, I've been told the last three speakers to address the house have been the Pope, the Queen and Nelson Mandela. So I guess it's a nice change to hear from someone whose bath doesn't have a door on it. I think that would have gone really well if he'd done that. I like it.

He's edgy. He's a bit edgy. And he's thought that through, you know. Did he ask me? No, he didn't ask me. No. He's too busy playing table tennis in a Dobbles. Maybe that's what we should have done we should have had him and uh nelson mandela on one side and the pope and the queen on the other i've arrived at those teams completely randomly i'm happy to mix them up i worry about

the pope and the queen though same dress nightmare yeah this has been all joked in there about the pope and the queen on the balcony and uh she says um watch this, and she waves her hand, and the crow go mad, and she says, there you go, with one wave of my hand, I cause an absolute sensation. And he says, I could cause an even bigger sensation, just one with one nod of my head, and she says, go on, then he headbutts her. Remember that joke?

No, but I like it. Of course, they're both the heads of different churches, aren't they, the Queen and the Pope? Yeah. I was thinking of that as an angle for us. it of course they're both the heads of different churches aren't they the queen and um the pope um yeah i was thinking religion on the absolute radio the joke but i couldn't think of anything that's all right don't feel bad about it what else so um you may know that my good-looking brother josh is um away in new york at film school god he's got the he he's the golden boy isn't he i i didn't realize hold on a minute well i mean he's coming oh i He's the golden boy, isn't he? I didn't realise... Hold on a minute. Well, I mean, he's...

Oh, hold on a minute. I may not have the looks. You do call him your good-looking brother. No, you may not, but I attempted to get in touch with him when I was in New York, and he was too good-looking to text me back. That's what Gareth said. That's the problem with being that good-looking. I'm speaking as an outsider.

He must be... You know, he's busy, I would imagine. He i would imagine very busy well he's saying he's busy on his course but my mum my mum is quite an avid facebook watcher stroke spy she trawls facebook for details of um her children and what they what josh might be get because he doesn't keep in touch very much he's still good looking. But this week she hit the mother load. You can imagine sitting down to write an email and thinking, no, I'm too good looking. Sorry.

She hit the mother load. She discovered a group of photographs that a young lady had put on her Facebook site. And these photographs were open to the public, so anyone can look at these photographs. I've immediately gone off on her. Hold on, the photographs were open to the public, so anyone can look at these photographs. OK. I've immediately gone off on her...

Hold on, the envelope is starting to make sense. So I've handed out envelopes to you. Oh, yes, I've got my envelope. And in those envelopes are a selection of the photos that were on this website. Oh, Frank, have you opened yours? I'm open. Oh, this is a bit like the BAFTAs. And the winner is...

Oh, my God! Oh, no. Ooh. It's like the last days of Rome. So when Frank saw me printing these photos out, I was trying to do it secretly, but you asked if I was looking at pornography. Haven't I seen you in that shirt?

Does your mum buy bulk at Christmas? I have seen him in that shirt, but guess what? He's not in that pose. No. Well, I think it's young people enjoying themselves, isn't it? Oh, Frank, these are extraordinary. It looks like one of those adverts when at the end of it you see a pair of frilly pants with gonorrhoea written on it.

Do you remember those adverts? It looks like one of those. I always found them strangely enticing. No, but that's the thing about being... And what do you mean Marks and Spencers? They say, we don't have them, now get out. That's the thing about him being good-looking, is that they do work, these photos, I think.

They do look like a shoot. I'm not happy with his hair. I was going to say, do you know what I find reassuring? The hair's not looking good in one of these photos. No, it's a bit... It looks a bit Jarvis Cocker. You know, uh no shampoo since about 98 that kind of pictures of him getting kissing a young lady and um yeah you say kissing

biting the lip biting is what makes it a little bit too i mean we've all bitten our lip in certain situations but not other people yeah he must have been you know said something awkward and bit her lip yeah and the thing my mum is this lady has some piercings and a tattoo and my mum was like oh he's hanging around with people with tattoos and that's the thing with people with tattoos you start hanging around with them and then you think it's okay to have tattoos well she's i mean she's probably right i It's true. I want to know. I have a problem with tattoos. How did you... Because this isn't on your brother's Facebook.

No. It's on someone... How did she find... So, this girl had made friends with my brother on Facebook, and then they have updates on Josh's Facebook thing, saying Josh recently made friends with these people, and so she clicked on these individuals. Well, so she's scouring his friends.

Yes. That's some deep search. Get her to mom. She'll click a link and think nothing of it. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm kind of fascinated by Garrett's mum investigating Facebook. I kept my parents at a distance when I was a young man as far as my private life was concerned.

Did you? My dad used to say to me, he said, you're as deep as the ocean. Did he? We used to communicate mainly by sonar. Yeah, I didn't tell him anything. Though in there were moments, you know. Didn't they pry ever?

They sort of stumbled across. You know, I remember that conversation. Never bring another one of those magazines into this house. It was only Condé Nast Traveller. That's what I said to my dad. It was a class thing. We did find a naughty magazine. Who did?

My sister and I once. Oh, no. No, but we dealt with it in what I think was a very responsible way. You put it in a hedge for others. That's what we all did. We decided to put on a play for my parents with the sole intention of exposing him. Oh, like Hamlet.

It's like Hamlet. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And then we incorporated this magazine into the play. Wow. And then we watched his face. That's how we roll.'re joking and we watched my mom's face it is exactly like just like hammer that is what was the storyline it was about a businessman going into a shop to buy something and opening

his briefcase and and a naughty magazine fell out. And do you think he got the reference? Oh, he got it, my friend. Did he storm out halfway through it? No, he left it another year. Oh, OK. God, he's a slow burner, isn't he, that play? Oh, my God.

Well, I'm with my parents. It was one of those... As the old joke says, they didn't know I drank till I came home sober one night. It was a bit like that. So what else? Have we had any contact from the outside world?

We have. We've had an email in, actually. An email? Yes. Well, is it Gareth's mum? No. This is from someone called Yemi. Y-E-M-E.

Hi, Frank, Gareth and Emily. Could be Yim. Yim. Yim, possibly. What was the comment Frank said at the end of the show, Tina, get me the axe? I know occasionally you like to move away from the usual good day to you, Frank, which is fine.

However, I'm guessing it's something I wouldn't know because I'm too young, being only 16. So I'd really appreciate it if you could enlighten me and perhaps the rest of your teenage listeners. Well, I think I have explained. Anyway, it's Tina, bring me the axe to be precise and it's there's a there's a biopic about joan crawford the actress called mommy dearest and i think it's when she gets adopted by the film studio and she has this very beautiful garden at home and she goes

home and she tears up in a mad frenzy she tears up and the daughter's crying and she's ripping all the flowers out the ground and there's one tree and then she says tina bring me tears up and the daughter's crying and she's ripping all the flowers out the ground and there's one tree and then she says tina bring me the axe and the girl has to go and get the axe and she chopped i'd firmly jls had done something like this at the chelsea flower show they would have won me over but but no it's very marvelous full um reading list and filmography on the website for the listeners to be able to get all the references. I think that's a good idea. When I was talking to Ray, my dresser, at the

Pygmalion opening this week, do you know the Pygmalion opening? It's a sort of an abyss in Thailand. No, we were talking and he said he's been working with Matthew Perry and he said what a lovely bloke he was, really lovely bloke.

And it's a nice thing to hear about a celebrity, but in a way I like to hear of them when they're absolute monsters. You know that? I've got lots of stories. Maybe not on air. But Joan Crawford was, you know, weren't seeing that film because she was a proper old-fashioned monster star she wasn't frightened to get the coat hanger out if the children were naughty no no wire hangers no she

didn't like wire no she could turn and we've had some more texts in as well frank just regarding celebrity sightings i saw cliff richard at a and e st Peter's Hospital. He'd hurt his finger playing tennis. That's 780. Well, I mean, I imagine that's a regular thing. He plays a lot of tennis. He could have been a professional tennis player, I understand, Cliff Richard. He still could.

I believe his age is going backwards now. I've met Cliff, of course. Have you? Very slim. I mean, really slim. Snake-hipped? I mean, yeah, beyond snake-hipped. I'd say the belt.

You could see from the sort of rough edge to the belt holes that he'd had to put in his own holes. He'd bought a belt, probably a child's belt still, just hung on him. Oh, he'd had to gouge out a Swiss Army hole. I imagine that what Cliff had done, he'd gone out into

onto his balcony with a hammer and a nail and he'd maybe put something... I imagine he's been prepared to sacrifice a chopping board and he'd think, well, I can always get another chopping board. I need a belt.

I don't know what, you know, if my trousers fall down and everything will be, people will know. And he's gone out there with the hammer and nail and he's put down, he's got that. And he's thought, no, I'm going to have to go a little further. Because I could see the, I could see an unused ragged hole, which would, which he'd, you know, unless he'd lost more weight. I don't they? Because I could see an unused ragged hole, which, you know, unless he'd lost more weight. I don't know. I imagine now he's virtually vapour. Cliff, he's so thin. But a great man, and I'm a particular fan of travelling light, and nobody knows about that more than he does. I think he weighs about four pounds. I don't know if he weighs anything.

I think he might have gone into minus. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Mom! Fudd and Son's Little Lion Man. And they're blotted out swearing. on Little Lion Man and they're blotted out, swearing. Does anyone think that makes them rebellious and edgy because

they've got a, it's not this time. Stupid rubbish. Frank? Sorry, I don't mean, I don't mean their, you know, essence, I mean, just that particular thing, they could have said,

you know, flipping. Made a terrible mistake. Yeah, this time. Flipping? It's not grain chill in the 80s. Well, for me, it'll always be grain chill in the 80s. Roland. I'll tell you what, speaking of um...

um... television, I was watching, I was just flicking around it was lunchtime you know you want you want something on and uh they had some old uh clips of the newport folk festival you know and i imagined i'd be watching uh bob dylan jambayez um he was 70 this week wasn't he he was yeah If you're listening, Bob. You'll get it. And anyway, country dancers came on, young people, Czech shirts,

did this fabulous country dance while the old fiddler played. And I thought, isn't there something? I honestly was, I was, there was a tear in my eye. Because I thought, isn't there something marvellous about human beings? Young people like this would take time out to learn country dancing. Quite an elaborate step. Just, isn't that, you know, when you're a young person and someone says, hey, do you want to come over to Fergus's on Saturday? We're going to take some meow meow.

And you say, no, I can't. That's my country dancing night. That's my person. That's the future of civilisation. That person is going country dancing. You know, hobbies get a bad name, but I think we should all embrace hobbies, unusual things that we do with our life.

You're good at hobbies, Frank, as well. I love a hobby. You've done ice skating. You had the other dancing classes. Horse riding, I did. Horse riding. Yeah, I did that. I didn't like it. I combined the two combine the two well i mean it could barely stand um yeah i did um salsa tango yeah i remember

well drawing i'm one of the few people drawing i did drawing lessons i had lessons lessons lessons as well i had to quit drawing drawing lessons because I picked up a back injury. It's true. I think he'd... A smaller pencil. Yeah. Well, I think the way he'd set the easel, I was slightly arched. And after about two hours of drawing this table on a chair for about four weeks,

I started to have terrible pains and it put me right off so uh i'd love to wouldn't you love to be a marvelous anyway i'm i'm thinking um morris dancing is my next how is that yeah i've you know my part of my life is a a search for the ultimate on cool thing to do and i think although it's got it's got a kind of an old fertility. You know, you see some of these Morris dancers that just have the bells on and stuff, but some of them wear antlers and paint their faces, a sort of real fertility,

sort of wicker man feel. That's the kind of thing I'm after. How would you define a hobby? Because it's something you do. It's a small creature with hairy feet that lives in the Middle Earth. Sorry, these headphones, they're not good. It's something you do, I think, just for spiritual growth, essentially, isn't it?

Exactly. Yeah. Which is a very noble thing. But people that just want to drink now, you know. People who stand in the pub listening to their mates tell them the same thing they've heard a million times, while someone just down the road is learning the theremin. I know who i'd rather be

see gareth strikes me as a hobby type bank really well i always think do you not have to be committed to a hobby can you do a hobby for a bit and then do another hobby you have to be committed that's wicker work you're thinking of no yeah you have to be committed of course because i haven't got the staying power like i collected stamps for a while and just That's wicker work you're thinking of. No, yeah, you have to be committed, of course. Because I haven't got the staying power. Like, I collected stamps for a while and just got bored of it. They're just ones that came to the letterbox. Yeah.

Oh, I've done that. You've got to find the right hobby, obviously. Historical dolls I collected. Did you? Rubbers, I had 400, and I collected... 400 rubbers? Yes, and historical dolls. That's brilliant. Did you? Rubbers. I had 400 and I collected... 400 rubbers? Yes. And historical dolls. That's brilliant.

What historical... Did you have Eric Bloodaxe? No. The action figure? I had Bloodwing Pig. Bloodwing Pig? I'm surprised they qualify. I'd love to know what hobbies, you know, obscure hobbies our listeners have.

I bet there's some crackers. I bet there's sort of people who, you know, build Samoan kayaks on a Tuesday night. I bet there is. It's that kind of crowd, is what I'm sensing. Speaking of which, the next song is called Notice Ark. When I choose a song for the show, I often write myself a little

note, and sometimes it'll be stuff like Velvet Underground meets Talking Heads and stuff like that. And when I did the one for this band, The Shoots, I wrote down Beach Boys meets The Beach Boys. During the week we had an email from Robin. He said, hi team, Peter the Wild, friend of the show, has been in the news. I regularly listen to the Witness podcast from the BBC.

Can I just stop you there? We should explain to new listeners that Peter the Wild was a boy who, what did they call him, the boy savage? He was found and he was... In a German forest. In a German forest he was found. Was it George I who kept him as a sort of pet

on a leash? It's a terrible story but one that we've spoken about probably 20 times on this show. So he said he listened to the Witness podcast which is a great podcast of little stories about history as told by people who were there, like interviews and letters and diaries. Last Thursday

their show was about Peter the Wild. Apparently when he was captured by a gang of villagers in Germany like interviews and letters and diaries. Last Thursday, their show was about Peter the Wild. Wow. Apparently, when he was captured by a gang of villagers in Germany... I'm loving it already. Peter the Wild really is the gift that keeps on giving. That's what the villagers say. Before going to England, he didn't walk upright, but crawled like an animal.

He's a character, no mistake. Of course, I envy him in one respect because, as I've said before on this show, I have no sense of direction whatsoever and a psychologist who I met at a party told me that's because I didn't crawl. Is that right? Yeah, that some babies, they're sitting

and one day they think, oh, I'll try walking and they just walk, they never go to the crawling stage. I asked my sister if she could remember and she said, said did i crawl she said well only when you were drinking um and so i i i just rose up i you know i i went straight to biped and um and and that's why i have no sense of direction so that i mean he's crawling oh man he'd make a great passenger In the car If he got in a bit of a snarl He'd know all the rat runs Oh I love Peace of the Wild

I do too That was Elbow with Open Arms. I went to see them this week with Absolute Radio. Yeah, I was invited. Enough said. The odd thing, of course, is when you've got open arms, your elbows are probably their most hidden. It was actually a lovely evening.

I bonded with Adrian Hyatt. Did you? Yeah. Good. Not in a creepy way. No. with Adrian Hyatt. Did you? Yeah. Good. Not in a creepy way. No. Just had a nice chat in the crib. I never said that.

Yeah, he's a crib kind of guy. Frank, we were talking about hobbies and we've had a text in from Rowan in Poole saying... Rowan in Poole certainly is a hobby. Yes. Hi, Frank and team. My unusual hobby is collecting sick bags on planes lovely that's ronnie woods as well isn't it

i can see how that would work you know the various airlines and well rowan says i started in 1998 when i went traveling i've got a couple dozen, and my prized asset is one from Leo Aviation, a flight I feel fortunate to survive. It's a paper bag lined with plastic bag and a rather nice logo printed on it. Hmm. Well, that's good. I wonder if he's had a hole punched in it and keeps them in a lever arch. Or if they're just, you know, in a bag.

I think they're more valuable if they haven't got holes punched in them. I think you're probably right. We all are, let's face it. Practically useful. So, it's big news this week. Big news? Cheryl Cole? Breaking news.

Cheryl Cole this week? No. It's in the sun. I mean, the stuff on... It's about Hitler. OK. There's a lot of breaking news about Hitler. Not the slow burner. Keeps coming out. It's true. It's in the papers It's about Hitler. OK. There's a lot of breaking news about Hitler. Not the slow burner.

Keeps coming out. Yeah. It's true. He's in the papers every week, Hitler. I don't know who does his PR, but they are red hot. Really good. You don't think it's you-know-who? What?

Goebbels. No, Max Clifford. Oh. I wouldn't be surprised if I had connections, I must say. So what's he been up to this time, old? So, you know, we know he was a fan of dogs. Oh, God, yeah. But apparently he believed that they could be trained

to become part of the army. His plan was for dogs to guard all the camps and stuff. I think the idea of dogs in a guarding capacity, it's not that radical, is it? No, but he really trained them to quite a high level. He did? Yeah. He had them trained.

I was going to say. He was a bit busy, wasn't he? Bossy. Yeah. He set up a school to train dogs to talk. Hold it now, you've moved on a stage. I thought they were guarding. They're talking.

No, they were talking. Yes. Star pupil was an Airedale terrier called Rolf. He could tap out letters of the alphabet with his paws. Yeah, right. And was said to have speculated about religion and learnt poetry. Oh, get lost. He speculated about it.

Did Shep speculate often? In my experience, dogs tend to sleep and just defecate, really. Yeah, exactly. Defecate rather than speculate. Well, that's absolutely... I mean, maybe dog... I don't know, maybe Shep could talk. I don't know German. Maybe he was talking German. Maybe...

...means... ...Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles. Do they wear Nazi armbands? Actually, there'd be leg bands on a dog. Nazi leg band does sound as that sounds hard to keep on. Do they have elbows? They have those little nodules that could pass as an elbow in a close-up... I think they're more nodules.

What is this mystery feature photograph? Apparently, one of the dogs was heard to bark, hungry, give me cakes, in German. Which, I don't know, what use that would be in military strategy. That's stolen Joe Brand's act. That's it, you teach these things to talk. They've got no morals. That's the trouble with them.

Apparently, also, they were going to have a whole range of dogs they taught to fly, a whole... It's going to be called the Luftwaffe. Have you made this whole story no actually i knew because i did i looked it up on the sun website when you went yeah when you mentioned it and i took one of the readers quotes a guy called dalek buster 523 and he said the only thing this proves is that Hitler must have been a complete weirdo. Well, that settles that.

I think the jury's been out, but I think that, you know, that's put the last nail in his coffin. Not that he had a coffin, I think he had an ashtray. Anyway, you'll be able to listen to Not The Weekend podcast because it'll be available from Wednesday to download.

And that's a completely separate show that we do in a sort of crazy laid-back, three people in a submarine type of feel to that. Ben Jones is coming up next. Thank you very much for listening. We love you all. I'm not doing much tonight, just going to Wembley to the Champions League final

with David Baddiel. You know how it is. But, yeah, it's going to be fine. And I'll win to Atina. Bring me the axe, would you? We only have this accent. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.