The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - The Dump

Episode Date: February 26, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth chat about Charlie Sheen, retro refs and things they've taken from the dump.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on... You remember him, on, remember her, on Absolute Radio.

And I'm with Emily and Gareth. Good morning. Hi, Frank. As I am every Saturday morning, really. If you imagine we went off, like, the Apollo 13 mission, and now we're just floating in space, just the three of us, wondering if there's a voice out there, if anyone is

listening, if anyone will speak to us. If you'd like to speak to us, you can text us on 81215. We get excited about that. Don't underestimate the effect you have when that arrives on our screens. Yes, screens. Ronnie. Speaking of screens.

Count it. I have to say I don't have my screens yes screens true yeah yeah oney speaking of screens oney yeah count it I um one I have to say I don't have my screen switched on that's one of the things I've earned the right

yeah it's better isn't it well I always worry that someone will say something nasty and I don't want to know that's how I live my life I prefer to bury my head

in the lovely cuddly sand of kindness I mean you can tell by the flow of tears from me and emily but we try and keep it quiet yeah i thought that was my kicking you under the desk oh no we're used to that okay well anyway i don't want to know i don't even want to know in the abstract if we get any negative views delete that one gareth oh no so listen i was i watched for the first time, as it's Oscar weekend, I think I can talk about this, I watched The King's Speech this week.

A bit retro love. This was the thrill of it. Yeah. And this made me feel a bit like I was being a bit of a character, being a bit naughty, going a bit sideways, if you know what I mean. I watched it on DVD. Oh. Yeah, I know someone on DVD. Oh.

Yeah, I know someone who has legitimate... Was it... No, not that. Was it FYC for your consideration? It was for my consideration. It wasn't... Yeah, I thought you meant that Chinese bloke on Camden Market. It wasn't him. He's probably got it.

But not him, no. Oh, I had one of him of Wolverine and some of the scenes weren't... Some of the special effects weren't completed. Oh, I like that. Oh, I had one of him of Wolverine and some of the scenes weren't, some of the special effects weren't completed. Oh, I like that. Like a special feature. Yeah, he took me in half way through the process, the Chinese man from Camden Market.

Don't go to FYC again, Frank. No. It's a mistake if you're a filmmaker to ask the advice of a Chinese man from Camden Market. Well, I don't know if he was involved in the process. I think they grabbed the copy. How did he get it? One thing you never ask.

You know when you're in the Foreign Legion, you never ask anyone why they joined. One thing you never ask the Chinese man on Camden Market is, well, how did you get these DVDs? That's really, that is so much the wrong question, I tell you. Anyway, it was exciting to watch it on DVD. Partly because I was able to fast forward through all the stuttering. Because that started to get on my nerves after a bit.

37 minutes. That was the duration. You were thinking he should get that scene too. Well, exactly. Then I did start to think, think well hold on a minute is is it all right for him not to be a stutterer playing a stutterer in this way oh i see what you mean it's a little bit like i think that's what acting's all about though pretending to be something you're not on acting there everyone so you're in your studio with gareth Richards you're pro-Blackie Knopf is that right

you know for the part yeah you are pro-Blackie Knopf can we make that a first oh god oh god no but that's just it it wouldn't be allowed

would it Gareth Gates should have played George VI that's what I'm saying right that would have been fair Gareth Gates

that was just Gareth Gates his comedy Gareth Gates it certainly was. Anyway, can I say I thought it was splendid. You know, sometimes you go and see a film that everyone's raving about and it turns out to be terrible. Black.

Swan. But this... The key black up. Black Swan. Gareth, stop it. Gareth Gake. Stop banging away at the racist door. What if it swings open?

We'll all be in trouble. Yeah, so... But you did like it, Frank. I would. I'd really recommend it. I hope it wins a whole bag full of Oscars. I don't know if that's the collective noun for Oscars. I think you can get a rack. You get a rack?

You don't keep them in a bag. If you get enough of them, they give you a special Oscar rack. Like, for milk bottles. Is that right? A crate. Garrett's insight into the Oscars there. It's a crate. That's what you want. A crate. An Oscar crate. An Oscar crate, if you want. Is that right? A crate. Gareth's insight into the Oscars there. It's a crate. That's what you want.

A crate. An Oscar crate. An Oscar crate if you want. Yeah, that would be brilliant. For when you get lots of drinks from a takeaway. Yeah. Yeah, I know where a crate is. Just because I don't drink anymore, I haven't completely forgotten.

I'd say my memory's improved since I stopped drinking. Funnily enough. I don't know why that was. Oh, dear. You're winning, Frank. Pardon? You're winning. That's why. You're winning, Frank. Pardon? You're winning. That's why.

Yeah, you're right. I'd go as far as to say, what is it? It was, oh, wait, current process. Loser is winning. Goodbye. More of Charlie Sheen later. The Charlie Sheen. Funny I could say, and our guest today is Charlie Sheen.

I'd be terrified but excited at the same time. You know, like when the first time you sleep with someone. Yeah, I'd be terrified. Yeah, you'd be all right. I'm sure you'd gather the entourage. He likes a lot. The crew, I think you'll find. Is that what he calls them?

Yeah, the crew. What, the goddesses? Yeah, the goddesses. Anyway, look, we're just talking for the hell of it here. That's what we're paid for, isn't it? According to The Guardian. I read about us in The Guardian. Don't read things about us.

Well, I got the producer to check it was positive, first of all. Oh, first. Oh, OK. I did the same things with my tests from the doctors. And, yeah, this time it was good news that it was positive. And I had a look, and it was nice about us. Oh, thanks, this time it was good news that it was positive. And I had a look and it was nice about us. Oh, thanks, Bobby. Well, actually, it was nice about me, if I'm going to be specific. Oh, great.

It didn't actually mention that you two exist. No, I read it as well. We weren't mentioned. No, but, you know, there's only so much room in an article. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. article. So you can text us on 81215. And in fact,

Frank, we have had a tweet in. We've had a tweet. Which says... Well, how 21st century is that? My favourite century. It says morris stewart frank skinner and the archbishop great party now that's not a sentence i ever expected to read is that from charlie shee the goddesses well god the archbishop god of the goddesses um yeses. Yes, well, I went to a party. I tell you how this happened.

I got invited to a party at Lambeth Palace, which is where the Archbishop of Canterbury lives. And when I got... I didn't know why I'd be invited or what it was. Now, can we just say you are his next-door neighbour in a sort of strange sitcom storyline here? Yes, I am. I live next door to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

But I never see him about. Do you know what I mean? He's not like George and Mildred downstairs. Well, the most reverend. Is he the most reverend? Yeah, he's the most reverend.

I think there was a competition. I think he's gone down. I think he's the second most reverend at the moment. Oh, gutted. Yeah, I think Desmond Tutu came in with a light run on the outside rail. He is quite reverend. When you turn up at the door then, is there a big doorbell? How do you get in? Well, the door was open.

Oh, that's terrible security. In Lambeth, it's a risk, to say the least. But I went in and I was met by the press officer. And she said, said oh thank you so much for coming and i said look to be honest i don't know why i'm here and she said well i understand that on your radio show when you were talking about celebrities you'd like to be friends with you included the archbishop she did that's brilliant and i said um yeah that's true so i'm expecting a lewd text messages from Jesse Eisenberg at any moment.

That's what I said about him last week. Yeah, so that's what got me in there. Oh. So I met the Archbishop. Not at all arch. Very open. Big old beard, that one. Lovely beard.

I won't pretend I didn't notice the beard. Yeah, lovely. It was there. But he was great. beard that one yeah i don't i won't pretend i didn't notice the beard yeah lovely it was it was there but it was uh he was great was he i loved him i have nothing bad to say about him he's great company seems nice fellow and that's the love it's a lovely way to meet someone that they know you would like to be their friend and so they've invited you around to be their friend basically that would put me up if so if i had someone saying they wanted to be my friend i can't think of anything that would make me avoid them more my whole thing is avoiding anything other than very very brief and superficial contact with other people that's how i live my life i noticed that at the archbishop's party

everyone i met gave me a business card the very antithesis of my attitude to life yeah people say have you got what's your phone number i don't know i don't know my phone number and the reason i've never learnt my phone number is when people say to me can i have your phone number i can say i don't know what it is without lying oh without coming across as rude yeah yeah oh well i could lie but i don't know so now i everyone was so and i'll tell you what they did this i've discovered the secret of partying i don't know. So, no, everyone was so... And I'll tell you what they did. I've discovered the secret of partying. I don't mean in the Charlie Sheen sense.

That'll take you a while, isn't it? You discovered the secret of partying at the Archbishop of Canterbury party? Yes. Wow. Yes. But this is what they did. Everyone I spoke to, right... There was a lot of mingling going on.

Oh, there always is at the most reverence there is everyone i spoke to when they they'd done with me when they'd used me up and wished to cast me to one side they wouldn't just say i mean verbally all right um you know normally you say you talk to someone and then just go off and talk to someone else and someone when someone leaves you to talk to someone else is that moment when you're just looking around where you're going to go next what they did at the at the archbishop's party is they would as they were going to go off they'd take you over to someone else and introduce you to them so you were passed across oh that's quite nice it was like do you remember tag wrestling yeah remember the royal the battling royals and all those yeah and when

steve logan used to accompany uh m accompany Mick McManus in the tag team. Remember those days? I'm familiar with Mick McManus' work, absolutely. Oh, you're familiar with his hair? Can't work it out. Plastic? Maybe. It's like George's creation. Remember that thing about one of the fattest men in the

world and he had hair made out of duct tape. And they said, lookorge we've been with you three days but we need to mention uh we need to mention uh he said oh i know what you're talking about he said you're talking about george's creation he was george not only speaking in the third person but talking about his duct tape hair anyway what's that got to do with the archbishop oh get off my back so. So they looked after you. They didn't make exit strategies.

They were lovely. And I'll tell you something. There was 5,000 of us at the party and they fed the whole of us with three mini sausage rolls and two satay sticks. How he did it, I'll never know. But there was five baskets of crumbs at the end of the evening which we gave to the poor outside.

And how was Moira? Well, you know, I saw Moira there, but I never actually spoke to Moira. I think Chris Evans has forbidden her to speak to me. Oh, does she work with Polka Dot? She does. Yeah. Doesn't she announce on there or something of that nature?

Moira, I've been listening to Frank's show and he'd really like to be my friend, but I gather he thinks your radio show is a bit rubbish, so you might want to avoid him. Who was that impression? That was the Archbishop of Canterbury. That was the Archbishop for a second, I thought he was in the room. He didn't think it was Paul Robeson.

Paul Robeson, yeah. Well you should have lacked up, I would have recognised you. Anyway, as I left it was a brilliant night and I was really excited. We had a conversation and I said, oh, yeah, I pick you as my male friend I'd like to have and Tracey Emin as the female friend.

I said, and then I saw her in a club and I went over and approached her, a story I've told on this show. And I told him that. And he said, oh, you were very brave. This is my impression. You were very brave to approach her. He said, I always regret. I saw someone once I wanted to speak to,

and then I didn't go over and speak to them. And I said, oh, really? I said, who was he? He said, W.H. Auden. Hold on. No, that's a mistake. They broadened the criteria. No, there's a mistake.

Sorry, anyone who's confused. That's only supposed. They broadened the criteria. No, there's a mistake. Sorry, anyone who's confused. That's only supposed to go off. It's the initials. It's the initials that's confused. No, it should only go off if you mention A.E. Houseman. Another alarm. It's all right, it's working again. You said just a separate alarm.

No, I think it must have misheard me. I like the Archbishop's celeb spot, W.H. Alden. Exactly. It's great, isn't it? I thought it was going to be Jesse Eisenberg. I spotted W.H. Alden. Yeah, I think you should have...

What was that? I thought it was going to be Jesse Eisenberg. I wish he'd turned up. All my Christmases would have come at once. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This life is more than just a read-through.

I don't know if this life is more than just a read-through. It is when you come from my family. I think it's open to debate. Isn't it? My family, a lot of them can't read. But, yeah, anyway, that was the red hot chilli peppers. I think some call them the Red Hot Chilis. Oh.

Like peppers is a long way to go. Is that what the Most Reverend said to you? I bet he did. No, no. He was, I won't hear a word against the Most Reverend. I love the sound of him. He was brilliant. I do still want him for my mate, but I didn't feel he, he didn't take my bait.

Oh, didn't he? He didn't. He's like, you know, he used to come over to our flat and didn't. Well, he's not going to say he's just come over to our flat and stop in. That doesn't happen with the Reverend. Well, I thought, you know, maybe. A game of... What's that one with the pop-o-matic dice shaker? Frustration.

Is that Boggle? I think it's Frustration. Oh, Frustration. Okay. Oh, I know lots about that. So, listen, Frank, I've been feeling my age a bit this week. Have you? Yeah.

Okay. Careful. I tell you for why, gentlemen. Tell me for why. Or are you going to tell me for why? I'm suggesting that your reasons are on a sort of battleships board and that you just give us the reference and we have to look them up for ourselves. Is that the routine? No. Okay. board and that you just give us the reference we have to look for ourselves is that is that is that

the routine no okay um what's happened is that i've been using a number of expressions which apparently are a little out of date or so i'm told for example i'm moving house i ring up to council what okay i called the poll tax apparently it's not called that anymore and the man on the other end of the phone went the poll tax well he could have been a bit more subtle about it yeah he said that went out 20 years ago love there were riots well i remembered that then i couldn't remember i thought it was community chest which i then remembered yeah exactly so anyway yeah then i went to beauty contest well then i went to what i've always called the dump oh again the high-vis men the men in high-vis didn't like that apparently that's really out of date you're meant to call it the refuse and recycling center because the dump is

very disparaging to people that work yeah because you're saying yeah that's quite rude so that's me I went to the dump with a mate of mine to get rid of an old sofa of his. And I didn't realise that I... You shouldn't have eaten it.

I'm sticking... Sorry. What? I said you shouldn't have eaten it. Oh, he's saying something disgusting. Don't go there.

No, no, I'm leaving. Gareth Gate. And there are people, since I still call it the dump, and there are people who sort of dwell on the dump. I mean, you know, Stig, obviously, he's still there.

He's been there since my school days. Looking grubby. Sort of pig pen character. Anyway, these guys, we pulled up in this van, me and my mate. We started taking the sofa off to dump it. And it never actually touched the ground. far off to dump it and it never actually touched the ground I thought these blokes were helping us

helping us to get it onto the pile of rubbish but in fact they took it off us and then put it in their van they lived the life of a sort of seagull type existence just dwelling on the dump this wasn't in the third world

this was in Cheltenham. Oh. I thought you were going to say Birmingham. No, no. It was, you know, some might think that Cheltenham is a step up from Birmingham. You know, some snotty types.

But that was what they did. They hung around the dump just to see what was to be done. So they could be first. That is true, though. In Cheltenham, what some people throw away would be considered, you know, very...

I think my mum's got stuff on the dump before. What, in Cheltenham? Your mum gave presents to your child off the dump, I seem to remember. Yeah, that's right. She got a child's chair out of a skip for Ethan. Oh, lovely. Of a giraffe's head. It was a giraffe's head chair that had quite a large crack in it,

but mum thought it was still structurally sound. Lovely and hygienic. OK. You see, in Texas on 8-12-15, best thing you've ever got out of a skip. I only ever see old computer monitors. That's what seemed to... They seemed to be the great victims.

And plasterboard. Who's going to take plasterboard? No good to anyone. Oh, okay. Well, I've got a few. I tell you what I tend to say, which I think is considered to be old-fashioned. I tend to say brassier.

It's very old-fashioned, right? Instead of bra. Something about bra. Brassier. Yeah. So I'll say to my girlfriend, Kat, why is your brassier by the toaster? Which it always is for some reason.

I don't know. Not the same one. Yeah. It goes away. It comes back a different one. Chilli? Chilli? Is she warming it up?

Do you think she's warming it up? Maybe, yeah. Do you think a cop in each slot? Oh, yeah. No, that's been known. Really? Oh, no. I'd love to warm it up.

What else, Frank? Too much information. I said too much information. I hate people who say too much information. I always find that people who don't have enough information generally.

Yeah, exactly. Sorry, Gareth. I say taped still if I'm skyplussing something or I still say tape it. Yeah, my brother, Keith, he found me up a few weeks ago. He's a member of some racing club at the pub. Yeah.

They have big bets on horses and stuff. He doesn't do any racing, I've got to make that clear. And he said to me, well, it's better than sitting in front of the goggle box all night. I thought, God. Who, for God's sake. Who says that anymore? The goggle box. Fantastic.

Oh, I love that Keith says that. Yeah, it's brilliant. So maybe that'll be your phone in, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. What old-fashioned sayings have you stuck with? I also like people referring to coming from a broken home as well, because they don't say that anymore. Do they not say that?

No, you don't come from a broken home. It's just life, okay do people still not say that thing always a bit free school dinners do people say that no we used to say that it's no perhaps i shouldn't have brought that up yeah um and i've just thought of a word that i i used to someone and they really laughed and i didn't know why but i don't know if i can say it on air. Shall we debate? It's not swearing. It refers to do with the physical.

I'll try it. Whoa! My friend might be saying, he's saying he met this woman, etc, etc. I've given the warning now. I feel sick with stress. And he said he met this woman and they had a bit of a one-night thing. And I said, well, I hope you wore a sheath.

And he burst out laughing. It is quite Alan Partridge, that, Frank. I think it... Well, I'm sorry, I think same-sex is more important than vocabulary. What about that? This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. what about that Frank our listeners well they're loving this dump action you started something here have you noticed that the phone-ins

the text-ins rather they're not real text-ins they're the ones that get the biggest responses they love a bit of this don't they Gareth what is a real text-in that's what you're all asking it's a big philosophical question we often have in the zoo here at absolute the zoo is the reclining area carry on there's all

sorts they're finding on these dumps pete dodwell the phone i'm texting you off i got out of a skip a skip yeah brilliant a phone that works in a skip imagine the dodgy old numbers you'd find in there. That sounds to me like that's a murderer disposing of evidence, isn't it? Was there any blood-covered clothes in there as well? Check the photos. Paul in Essex says, Frank, I got my computer from the dump. It's brilliant.

Yeah, bet it's not. That can't be. Can that be right? Working computers. It's brilliant for an Amstrad. Frank, we've had another one. I'm impressed. that can't be that's a can that be right working computers it's brilliant for an Amstrad um Frank we've had another one

I found I'm impressed I found an Indian style picture in a skip and sold it on eBay for £30 Julian cleaning windows in the rain

wow an Indian style picture I'm liking this I'm imagining blue face seven or eight arms that cut yeah

when I think about that it it's 30 quid, you've gone to the dump, you've fished around, you've found a picture, you've put it on eBay. I'm liking your use of tents. It's the footballer's tents. I've gone into the area, I've looked up, the goal has come at me.

You've found a picture, you've put it on eBay, you've done all, you've posted it, that's a lot of work for 30 quid, is it? Well, there's people sitting at home now, probably not at home, there's people cleaning their windows in the rain thinking, you know, I work a lot harder than that for 30 quid, Mr Gareth turn up at radio and just mess about and get paid. What do you get, two grand a week?

Sickens me. Frank, we've had another text in. I do not get Two grand a week? Sickened me. Frank, we've had another text in. I do not get two grand a week. Can we just move on, please? What he gets is a long distance. Let's not discuss money. Frank, we can't discuss money. It's very vulgar. Hi, Frank.

You'd be no good at a gypsy horse pen. Might be the biggest compliment you've ever paid me. Well, thank you very much. I don't think it would be the talk of money that you found vulgar at a gypsy horse fair. What are you, Mary Gosecki? Gareth Gage? Emily doesn't like horses. Oh, yeah, of course.

She finds them very common. OK, let's stop talking about gypsies. Back on to dumps hi frank we still call it the dump there were people doing exactly the same at our dump meaning what you were talking about with the sofa frank they would climb into these huge skips if they did not get to you quick enough a lot of it ended up at car boot sales they got barred eventually though who gets barred from a dump that's a low point that That is pretty bad, isn't it? When you turn up at the dump and they say,

sorry, mate. You know, you've had your warnings. Is there an address code at the dump, do you think? Sorry, mate, you're not coming in. We just had a text from Sid on the Isle of Wight. I found a baby squirrel in a skip once. I took it home and my wife ate it. Is that OK? Was it dead?

Is that okay? No, not really. I think that's okay. I don't think that was, I don't think that had been deposited. I think that was probably dwelling in the skip. Or just visiting. Probably looking

for an Amstrad. I'm all right with that. I think if you're going to eat a kale, why can't you eat a squirrel? Or one attacked your girlfriend. Well, exactly. So I'd eat it with some sense of... Gentleman's relish. I might have some relish with it.

So I imagine they're quite plain, the squirrel. Not a lot of meat on them, let's face it. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, the softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. We've had some lovely texts. We have.

We've got one from 234. Frank, surely the squirrel would be looking for an apple, not an Amstrad. Oh, excellent. from 234. Frank, surely the squirrel would be looking for an apple, not an Amstrad. Oh! Excellent! There was a computer back in the day. They were acorn computers. Is that right? Remember that? Yeah.

Oh, yes, you're right, guys. Don't read them out so you can top them. It's a funny text. You use them as some sort of step ladder. Just fine-tuning. Workshopping it. We've also had a text in from Karen saying, Frank, my friend Stuart found three pairs of silver opera glasses

in a skip in Bristol. That'll be the Marx Brothers. I like Shelley and Knot. How marvellous. Three pairs of silver opera glasses. How brilliant. Also, Shelley and Knot says, when I moved into my first flat, I didn't have much money.

My mum turned up with a Christmas tree. She'd been driving down the road and saw it sticking out of a skip and stopped and got it for me. It lasted a couple of years. This was February, I imagine. You know that time of the year it's about it's early January

when you start to see the Christmas trees just some people just leave them at the side of the road I guess that was a plastic one not a

do you think it was an organic one well how do you get rid of yours my mum used to get whatever boyfriend we were going out with to take it they used to have to go

and dispose of it somewhere whatever boyfriend we were going out with to take it. They used to have to go and dispose of it somewhere. Whatever boyfriend we were going out with. Well, we changed a lot. Best not ask too many questions. We were in demand. It's very Charlie Sheen themed. Me and the crew. Me and my girlfriend, just the one, we went to...

Now it's just the one. We went to buy a Christmas tree a couple of years ago and she'd been told, erroneously as we discovered, that you're supposed to water the real Christmas trees. Put them in the pot, keep watering, make it go in. I think that might be true. Well, we asked the man, who admittedly was a strange character who sold the Christmas trees, and I said, do you water these?

He said, no. I said, OK, I said we've been arguing about that all... He said, well, don't get me involved! In a very sudden staccato, slightly frantic manner. So, I don't know, so you're saying it might be true. You do have to watch it. I've heard that, I think, somewhere. I'm from a reliable source.

On what authority do you speak? I don't know if shouting staccato man is the man to take. Maybe I'll Google it. Sorry, the listeners on there, they know everything. Yeah, they do. Let us know. Frank, we've also been asking people or we mentioned you know we were talking about using old retro refs there was me with my poll tax

you mean retro references yeah retro refs ref is quite retro in itself not referees no no not not old ref like clive thomas that's what we want well you see i didn't know the name of an old referee no that does not surprise me we did. Me and David Baddiel worked with Clark on All Reminisce. Where's my pipe? Oh, go on. Me and David Baddiel did some filming. Well, someone get Frank a pipe! With Clive Thomas, the referee, and he's talking about this match,

and he says, so, it's nearly times. And that times is what he called the half time and the end of the game. And we used it's nearly times forever. It's so marvellous. Sorry, carry on. Well, we've got Nicola in Bexley. He's accusing her children of using retro refs. Talk about dated.

After a stressful week with the kids, my older girls were arguing. When I heard them shout mum, I snapped back at them for Christ's sake to which my four year old replied oh keep your hair on Kojak wow I don't know a four year old child saying keep your hair on Kojak can I say I completely winced at the blasphemy in that

oh sorry but that's brilliant. I'd forgot about Koja. So would I, but the four-year-old's still going there. He must have a very old telly. Of course, Koja was a very old telly. It's true. And Debbie says also,

only last night my hubby told me off for telling our three-year-old to flush the chain and put the towel back on the pipes. What's that? I don't even know what that is. Towel on the pipes, so like on a warm pipe, I imagine. Wasn't it that old Lindisfarne? Towel on the pipes is all mine, all mine. Towel on the pipes is all... Is that it?

Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ruth from Newcastle i said frank emily and gareth i'm a gardener and you definitely need to water christmas trees or the needles drop off really quickly love the show i never all the years i've had christmas trees in the house well most christmases we have one yeah and uh what about those ones that come you know those ones that come on a sort of a section of tree trunk? Oh, yes, I like those ones. They put a big old stump. Like a stump on the bottom, yeah.

I mean, where would you put your water? Exactly. You'd have to go intravenous. We always have fake ones in my family. Don't water them. We've got a lot of the wire and plastic ones. I can see you this year watering a silver one. Our optic fibre one that we've got. No, don't water them the wire and plastic one I can see you this year watering a silver one yeah

our optic fibre one that we've got no don't don't water that that's really I never knew that thanks I told you they'd know

they know everything they do I did I did Leicester Comedy Festival last weekend shot straight off from the show on the train

to Leicester your life I know I always sound like it was the BAFTAs I did Leicester. You're lying. I know. By the way, you sound like it was at BAFTAs. I did a Leicester Comedy Festival. Come on, it's brilliant. It's highly respected.

Yeah, isn't it? Oh, I'm sorry. It's one of the best comedy festivals. Isn't it? Let's not put them in order. But, um... Well, let's put it... We can spend a couple of minutes

putting them in order, if you like. No, no, let's not. Really, the... By the way, you can text us at 8-12-15 if you've got... Not about Leicester Comedy Festival, but I mean about anything. Sure. And I did the show I did in Edinburgh, Stand Up Between Songs.

And there's something that's only ever happened to me in Leicester. Laughs? No. Okay. Honestly. I like the snort. Rude. I like the snort.

You put the snort on her. I also like the way you trailed my the snort on a jingle for me. I also like the way you trailed my story by telling people they can text in. If you're looking for something to do during a story coming up, you can text. I figured that your story would cause such a stir. I'm going to make a cup of tea now. People would want to respond to it. I thought they might text in some applause at the end of it.

And so I start the show and um this had happened to be once before in leicester and it happened again in leicester and i think it was a different man i started the show and an old man said where's the omnicord and that's what they call the toilet isn't. No, it's the instrument I play. I play the Omnicord. No, I knew that. Obviously, I knew that. I was being facetious.

And I said, oh, I do that later. And he goes, all right. I've just come to see the Omnicord. Oh. Because you wanted to see it there. Right, right, then and there. And I said, well, I'll do some jokes first. Right.

But it made it awkward. It made the gig awkward. Set up a bit of it because it was very polite people in leicester are lovely and then there's one man demanding um and so i did a couple of jokes and then uh and then he said why don't you do the omnicord oh dear he was he was persistent oh he was so very pleased so i decided it might be time for a song on the Omnicode. Oh, you were about to pressure... How old was this old man? He was probably in his 70s. Oh, well, no wonder he was in a rush.

Yeah. He probably had his bucket list. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. That was on there. He's already got his Michael Parkinson free pen. That's just for inquiring.

If you join, you get a welcome gift. You believe that? He said, because there's two ways you can play the Omnicord, with a cartridge or live. With a cartridge? Gareth, it sounds like he was talking more than you. It sounded like someone who'd benefit from a cartridge. He was... more than you it sounded like someone who'd benefit from a cartridge no he said um because i think i think it's later editions of the omnicord you can put in like a

cartridge and it works like a you know he was he was an omnicord aficionado yeah i see um and so well partly the nice thing about that is that i think normal people if they're looking for a particular part of the show they will just sit politely and just wait for the bit they like. Like myself? Yeah. Look, if you go to a strip club, you wouldn't be there saying, no, can you just come on naked?

I don't want all this. No, I think Charlie Sheen might say that. He'd go straight to the chase. Can I say I never go to a strip show? Can I make that clear? No. But it's quite nice to be told what someone wants. I think he,

if no one else, went away pleased. So you did all your songs in a lump at the front of that? No, I did a song. And did he respond? Did he offer his... He said that he was very pleased. He said very pleased? He said he was very pleased with it. Oh, okay. So he gave

a strange verdict at the end of the show how was how pleased are you sure it wasn't simon kell he's extremely demanding i must say i like the sound of you know he's a man who knows what he wants yeah it was good and and that has happened to me once before and it was in leicester and i think it was a different man who right at the start of the show said i've just come to see you how many was a different man who, right at the start of the show, said, I've just come to see Omnicord. A different man said that? Yeah, a different man. But it's very odd. I remember reading there was a face transplant in Leicester about four months ago.

I think you'll find it's the same. That does make some sense of the era. Unless it's a big Omnicord. He looked a bit baggy, did he? Yeah, a little bit. Well, that'll be him, then. Omnicore, he looked a bit baggy, did he? Yeah, a little bit. Well, that'll be him then.

It won't be Isabelle Dinois, because hers has all settled in by now. You know, the woman whose dog ate her. Oh, she looks super now. Yeah, so it's been a great success. Stop it, Frank! She doesn't get a name check often enough. I've said that on Absolute Radio.

No, Isabelle Dinois, I've said that at the end of a OC breakfast show. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've just had a text in saying

What? On 8-12- 15. I like the way you assumed a slight pterodactyl position when you said that. This is from 549. I was thinking Raptor. Okay. 549. Is Frank wearing a Harry Hill type collar today?

Harry Hill type? What are the chances of that? I feel now, I think I've gone down a button. That's what's happened. It's splayed a bit. I'll button that. I forget that's what's happened. It's splayed. It's gone a little hill, yeah. It's splayed a bit. Yeah. I'll button that. I forget that people are actually watching us as well as... Yeah.

As well as listening. Is that better? There's some good collar-wrestling action there. Yeah, I think... Yeah. Okay. Good. Oh, yeah, speaking of the fan thing that you were on about,

the old man fan, the Omnicord fan. I met Cat Dealey. Oh, yes. You know her. So you think you can dance? That's a bit aggressive, isn't it? Why bring that up? What's to do with it?

Anyway, and she said to me, oh, you were really nice to my brother once in Spark, in, was it Sparkbrook? I think it was Sparkbrook, yeah, in Birmingham. She said, you were walking past a cafe and they were in and they all waved and shouted at you. And you went in and had some chips with them. Oh, extraordinary. Yeah. Were you hungry?

I don't, I mean, I sort of vaguely remember I mean it could have been Graham Norton I'm mistaken for him all the time or Stephen Tomkinson Frank you get too oh yeah but would either of them have gone in for chips no Stephen Tomkinson maybe if he's trying to get into character for Brastoff yeah

but not Graham Norton I mean you know if you get chip fat on a velvet jacket it's ruined so I thought it's ruined. So I thought it's nice. It depends how nice you were to her, brother. That's the weather for Graham Norton. Oh, wow.

Carragate! So anyway, there was... It was nice, that, because who would have thought that would ever come back to me? So just because the show, you know, what they say, be nice to people be nice to people you're quite friendly to a fan on the way up because you're liable to meet them at absolute radio and um i uh i met a woman at the i don't know if i told you i went to the archbishop of canterbury's party oh god he's never gonna stop i met a woman from the church times who said to me, my daughter used to live in the flat upstairs from you. Uh-oh. And she said, I was staying there once,

and I left the bath running and it overflowed. Her bath runneth over. Exactly. She said, I had to go downstairs and knock on your door. She said, I don't know if you remember. She said, I had to go downstairs and knock on your door. She said, I don't know if you remember. She said, I had to knock on the door and say, I've left my bath in and the water's gone through the floor into your flat. And she said, can I say you were really lovely and understanding about the whole thing.

That's nice. Lovely reviews. Yeah, lovely reviews. So the phone in is, there's only people out there I've been really unfriendly to. Just to even the balance of this. Wowzer. Not ex-girlfriends. Is it looking at the screen now?

Obviously. Yeah. Or not my current girlfriend, even. But, yeah, just generally, when celebrities have been a bit off with you, I love those stories. Yeah, I don't like it when they're rude. Always be nice to the fans, I find.

Always be nice to everyone. You know what my dad used to say? It's nice to be nice. Then he used to beat someone up outside a public house. But, you know, you've got to have someone to aim at in life, even if it's the other bloke's nose. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, working towards a mintier world with three more soft mints.

Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in saying, Dear Gareth and Emily, please could you re-read the message regarding the three pairs of opera glasses, as Frank's reply remarked brothers was genius and did not receive the rightful love that it deserved. Well you know, when that joke

some of them do fall on stony ground. How dare you? I'm fertile soil. Oh yeah, well you've proved that to be honest. Whereas I am barren as a brick. Yeah, so I thought oh that's gone a bit, but I am barren as a brick. Yeah, so I thought oh, that's gone a bit, but I thought

there'll be someone out there. Someone out there that will reach. That's what the podcast is for. You can listen to it again on the podcast. Yeah, but I don't like the idea that people have to re-listen to try and find something funny. Like when you pan for gold. Just keep riddling and eventually

the mod will clear. What was the name of that lady? That was actually from a gentleman. A gentleman caller. He's called himself Mr Larry Sanders Joe, which sounds like a little bit of a made-up name. Well, we'll see, but I appreciate that. Thank you. Thanks for

noticing, is what I'm saying. Well, talking of noticing, someone has spotted you, Frank, out and about okay well this isn't the text from the archbishop of canterbury it's not from frank it's my party i held i think it's quite a good impression and i'm sticking by it so well look you haven't met him so how do you know what he talks like um this is from jill grimwood frank i once sat next to you whilst you enjoyed a Sunday lunch

at Renouf's in Rochford, Essex. Did I? Really? Yeah, extraordinary. I don't remember Renouf's. I like the sound of it, though. Is it some sort of medieval banqueting joint? I didn't feel it was appropriate

to say hello, but now I feel that I've missed out. And had I waved, you may have joined us for a plate of chips. Surely not a plate of chips in renouffes. Maybe a dauphinoise potato. Yeah. Well, you should have done.

I'll speak to anybody. You will, actually, to be fair. Thank you. That's a compliment. Coming from Emily, it sounds like a terribly disparaging remark. You'll speak to anyone. Well, you work it out.

But when we saw Ian Lavender and he fell over, you didn't speak to him. No, but he was on his knees. I know he was. You know, I never speak to people who are on their knees. Next. So Cheryl has also texted in and said, I met Barry Gibb. Thank you. Sometimes I'll say thank you.

Cheryl, I met Barry Gibb. I met Barry Gibb. Thank you. Sometimes I'll say thank you. Cheryl, I met Barry Gibb. I met Barry Gibb. Which one is Barry Gibb? The hat or the weave? No, you didn't meet Barry Gibb. She's met Barry Gibb. Is he the hat or the weave? I don't know. He's the hat, isn't he? That sounds like me and Gareth. Robin is the weave.

And I think... No, one of them's not alive anymore, so let's be very careful. No, that's Barry, isn't it? No, no. Let's get off the BGs. Barry's the weave. Barry's the weave? No, Robin's the weave. Barry's the hat.

I'm like the producer rarely speaks on the show other than to say no, Barry's the weave. Yeah, and the first thing she said on the show is wrong. Barry's the hat.

Maurice is the beard. That makes him sound like Eastern Criminal. Yeah, it sounds like... Maurice is like the lion. You know, the lion. Yeah. No, that's Barry, isn't it? No, that's Maurice. That's Barry the beard. Don't sound like Eastern criminals. Maurice is like the lion. You know the lion? No, that's Barry, isn't it? No, that's Maurice.

That's Barry the lion. Oh, I've lost. Anyway. He looks like a Maurice. One of the Bee Gees. They met Barry Gibb and he was lovely and even came to a pay phone to call my sister to say hello pre-mobile phone days.

Sadly, she was out. Oh, no. And probably pre-answer phone days as well. she was out. Oh, no. And probably pre-answer phone days as well. Just rang out. Yeah. Oh, that's a shame. Frank, another meeting with Frank, but you were musical, not rude. House in Harborne,

many years ago. It's true. I went to see a friend who you shared a house with. Sorry. You did the intro to Hawkwind's Silver Machine using a coffee maker. No, it wasn't a coffee maker. It was a goblin tea's maid.

Where's she now? And then your own guitar musical abilities. No chips. That, Louis Shaw. I love that. No, that is true. I've told you this before. I used to wake up every morning like that.

Before it cooks the tea, a goblin tea's maid, it starts to boil the water and you get... And I used to keep my guitar by the side of the bed. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. And do the opening to Silver Machine.

Thanks for remembering. Now, Louise Shaw. Louise Shaw. Oh, Louise Shaw. OK. Louise Shaw. Oh, that could have been. There you go.

Oh, lovely to hear from you, Louise. We didn't have many visitors there that got out. Yeah. Oh, there was a couple who used to live there, I remember. The woman was doing a positive thinking course, and I went in the room. She'd had some troubles, to be fair, and she'd been on this thing to give her greater confidence,

and she had a big piece of paper on the wall that said, You are absolutely fantastic and i said have you been opening my mouth she took it really badly and then um my friend used her bath water and before she got in here and she chased him out the house with a bread knife there you go bread knife. There you go.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That's the morning! Excellent. Still works, I think. Some things, you know, they get a bit out of date, but that still works. I did, you may have seen me, I think. Some things, you know, they get a bit out of date, but that still works. I did, you may have seen me, I was on live television, BBC One last Saturday.

Yes. As a judge. Oh, yes, I did see that. Some of you may think, oh, judge ye not, for as ye judge, so shall ye be judged. Well, I went across there. And I tell you what, it was an interesting grammatical point we might want to discuss. The two hosts of the show were Alex Jones, woman from The One Show.

The One Show, yeah. Very curled hair, like an upside-down tulip. And Steve Jones, handsome. Yes. Both Welsh. Very good-looking lad. I used to date. I think they've been open about that. Yeah, handsome. Both Welsh. Yeah. Very good looking lad. They used to date. I think they've been open about that.

Yeah. Really? Well, when they were introduced in the dress rehearsal, the guy said, and here's your hosts, Alex and Steve Jones. Oh. And I thought, well, that's an interesting point, isn't it? Because they are both called Jones, but you can't really do that if they're not married. But why can't you do it?

Oh. Why bother saying Jones twice? Otherwise you have to do something odd with the intonation on the second Jones. You say Alex Jones and Steve Jones. Who'd have thought? What a coincidence. Has to be the sort of, you know, the subtext. Yeah.

Anyway, I'm not saying that's the most exciting thing that happened. I was, I got some stick because I the judging panel Frank was you, Graham Norton and Greg Davis from the in between us and me and Greg were in well they called them Winnebago's, they were caravans

caravans on the car park and Graham Norton what do you know was in Star Dressing Room indoors. We were a bit... He feels the cold. Yes. It was like...

And Greg Davis won't fit in a caravan. No. It's going to be cramped for him. I know. Well, the whole thing was a big fat gypsy wedding for us both. But yeah, they said, do you want to watch the dress rehearsal? dress rehearsal give you an idea of what they're you know what they're doing and stuff and i said do you want to do that um can you go into to graham's dressing room to watch it and so we went in and i mean don't get me wrong graham was lovely

but there was a sense of lovely of grand um. I felt, you know, you have to back out, like with the Queen. I felt a bit... No, I didn't mean that. No, I meant out of respect. Oh, come on. Would I ever say that in a million years? You'd sicken me. Listen.

Oh, that's lovely. Thanks. That's what most of our listeners will be making that noise. I would have thought this time of a Saturday morning. Not most of them. I'm saying 43%. That's a guess. But maybe we can do a show of hands.

Wouldn't be that easy. So you did the judging. I thought you did quite well, can I say. Thank you very much. Because it was a tough call. I don't like the quite. Well, I don't want to be accused of being sycophantic. Well, there was an out and out winner.

Oh, yes. I mean, Russellantic. Well, there was an out and out winner. Oh, yes. I mean, Russell Kane. No, he was good. He, I think, hosted this show in the past. I don't listen to it when I'm not on. He has been on this show. He was one of our clients, briefly. Yes. And he was magnificent,

I must say, as Beyoncé. And he did look a bit like the Iggy Pop Poppy in the insurance advert. But, I mean, you know, you can't expect him to look... If anything, he looked a little darker than Beyoncé. He had all those moves down, though, Frank. You know, there's a rumour that she's sort of bleaching. I don't know if that's true. No.

She's got paler. She might just be poorly. Nothing a beachums wouldn't sort out. Or a beach. Yeah, or a beach. Oh, God, he's on top form today. I'm loving this guy. Can I just say that?

I love this guy. I think, is it Barry and Colin? Not much effort. Are they the Bee Gees? Rubbish. No. Barry and Colin are the interior designers. They were rubbish.

They were rubbish, Frank. I said, I tried to be subtle. I said, you know, sometimes this show is just about people dressed in city clothes messing about. And that's, of course, exactly what that was. But Russell, he'd gone the extra mile. Did we have any news on the Bee Gees, by the way? Did we ever? Yes, we did, Gav, didn't we?

What I'm wanting, you know when you see those diagrams? Like, you used to see a photo of the Queen with several Commonwealth statesmen, and then underneath it, you'd get silhouettes of them with numbers, and it told you who those people were. That's what I want with the Bee Gees. Stephen Watford has solved it for us. Oh, OK.

Barry is big hair. Not Stephen Walford. No, Stephen Watford. OK. Barry is big hair and beard. Oh, that's Barry. Morris is past, and Robin is the Oh, that's Barry. Morris is Past. And Robin is the Weedy One.

Love the show. Now, I should have known that, because I received, I think, three consecutive Christmas cards from Robin and his wife. Oh, really? Only three? Only three. I don't know.

I think when I sent back and said, lose the hat, he was, he upsets, it's the wrong one. Oh, Frank, someone's bumped into you. Frank wants posed for a photo with my boyfriend at Cheltenham Literature Festival. I love the places you're spotted at, Frank. Not being a terribly proficient photographer, it took a while to get them both in focus. Frank suggested the oil paintings of him had been completed in a shorter time.

However, he was very patient and much friendlier than other celebs we saw that day. Thank you very much. I said it, people have been nasty to me, but there is no one. Clearly, that's tremendous news. It was that same literature festival, I was doing a book signing, and a lady came up to me in the queue and said,

I don't know if you remember me, we had a one night stand in 1997. Girlfriend was about six feet away. It was an awkward moment. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was Dancing in the Dark. Bruce Springsteen. Go away, Bruce.

Go on. Go on, Bruce. Go on. I had to throw a stick in the end. Gertrude. That's something you don't hear often now, Frank. Gertrude, when the pole's not in the net, the end. Gertrude, that's something you don't hear often now, Frank. Gertrude, when the pole's not giggling at the cap. Gert, yes. Oh, carriage best, carriage best, carriage best. That shines with the rest.

Don't take my word for it. Put it to the test. You can't be the born of carriage best. I've been down the east, I've been down the west. I like the little galloping horse in the background. Thank you very much. Reminds me a bit of my John Wayne cuckoo clock. Oh, how are you getting on with that?

Still loving it? Loving it. So, look, what about Charlie Sheen? What? It's no big deal. Quit panicking. Ah, it's the best thing ever. The interview, I recommend any of you to listen to the interview he does with a bloke called Alex Jones.

Not Alex Jones. Not Ben Jones either. No, but no no with alex oh alex charlie charlie sheen on the one show you should be on all the shows now yeah i wish he's coming in now can you imagine what the place would be like now we'd be huddled in one corner terrified anyway what's happened to him if you imagine that hollywood stars are a bit like the daleks you know in the centre of every Dalek there's a black oozing slime which is what an actual Dalek is

and everything around it is actually the armoury of the Dalek in the five doctors you see a Dalek exploded and you see the thing inside I forgot that bit ok well Charlie Sheen if you imagine that every Hollywood star has a black slimy

unbearableness inside them charlie sheen has decided to dispense with the outer casing and let it all out so when he speaks i think hollywood speaks and uh it's really been spectacular there's a level of arrogance beyond arrogance. I think... Sorry, didn't make the rules. Oops. If... Maybe Derek Okora could arrange this. If Adolf Hitler could hear that interview, I think Adolf Hitler would say of Charlie Sheen, he's a bit full of

himself. Yeah. Sounds like a bit of an idiot. Yeah. Oh, some of the stuff he says. When he says, are you going to marry? And he says, I leave marriage to eminers and the Bible grippers says. When he says, are you going to marry? And he says, I leave marriage to amateurs and the Bible grippers. And then he says, the Bible grippers. Why does he repeat it? Because it's so good, he thinks I'll say that twice.

And, oh, it's... Sorry, go on. Sorry, my favourite quote is that he talks about something that someone, he does that people don't understand. And he goes, oh, wait, can't process it. Losers winning. Goodbye. And the whole thing is about how everyone's life is about their ugly wives

and their ugly children and they should sit back and just watch this spectacular show. I mean, I know there are ugly children, but one doesn't refer to them. Well, exactly. He's not looking so hot himself now. Well, according to the bloke who interviewed him, he's the most sycophantic interviewer. He was unbelievable, wasn't he? I've heard myself lapse into I absolutely

love your show a few times, and I don't love myself for it, but this bloke, Charlie Sheen, I don't want to say anything illegal, but I wouldn't be surprised to find that he was aided by various things. He was completely wired, it sounded like. And this bloke said,

you know, Charlie, I've never seen you so energised. It's a beautiful way of putting it. No, he's not on the stuff anymore. He said he's healed himself. He's just energised. He's healed himself with his brain. He's working out twice a day as well. Yeah, what is he working out, though?

Where his dealers got to? I liked it when Alex Chainsaw said, they say you don't have a hernia. You know what? I've seen your hernia. Yeah, I didn't like that bit. No, I didn't either. This guy, his whole thing was,

oh, well, I've been to your house. Me and you were really good friends. Oh, it was... I say, it is Hollywood. If you want... Don't watch the Oscars. Listen to this instead. In case you don't know,

he's gone off on holiday, hasn't he? With the crew. He calls case you don't know he's gone off he's gone off on holiday hasn't he with the crew he calls them the goddesses when I say he's gone off on holiday what is the rest of his life where do you go to be more relaxed

and wild than he is at home I think you'll find he's gone off with two smoking hatties well he's taken a porn star as she's described

I hope that's not too dismissive of what she does for a living Brie Olsen Brie Olsen. Now, I don't know about you, but I understand Pawnstar's never used their real names. Who would call themselves Brie in that line of work? Avoid cheese.

Yeah, any cheese reference. Anything that's going to go off. Yeah, just don't even think about it. And also, he's taken his nanny. I think he's got twins that are two years old. He's obviously heard of people taking their nanny on holiday and thought that's quite a good idea. They include the children in that.

They don't take their nanny on holiday and leave the children. Not if they're Gareth's parents, they don't. Are they in a skip? No, he calls them the goddesses. And he said that what they have, they're not married, what they have is a marriage of the heart. Yeah, a heart. He corrects himself because there's three of them.

Yeah, so there's him and two women on holiday. It could work, I suppose. It could work, I suppose. Anyway, I very much... I very much recommend you listen to the chart. I've got an even better jingle than that. Listen to this. Oh, Mr Sheen. Oh, Mr Sheen.

Yes, that's what Alex Jones should have played through every time he said something terrible, like, don't make the rules, oops! Oh, Mr Sheen. It, oops! I missed it. It would have been a better interview. Winner rhymes with winner. Yes. That'd be us. Is that what he said?

Winner rhymes with winner. Yeah, he says winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning. I'll tell you what, I think he's losing it. I do. That's my theory. Anyway, you can listen. That's about it for us.

You can listen to Not The Weekend podcast, which is available from Wednesday, which is a podcast we do, which has nothing to do with this show. I don't think we're reproducing, because we aren't. I'm certainly not. And Ben Jones is on next.

It's been lovely, hasn't it, today? Thank you so much. Thanks for all your fabulous texts. If we didn't read them out, we just didn't get around to it, but we still love you. Ta-ra a bit. You're listening to Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints bringing a softer mintier feel to your Saturday morning Absolute Radio