The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - The Reading Dilemma

Episode Date: May 21, 2011

Frank has a reading dilemma that is threatening his relationship. Could it be the books of the girlfriend? Plus find out what Emily Frank and Gareth make of the Arnold Schwarzenegger revelations.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, um, yes, welcome. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily, I'm with Gareth, and as usual.

What else? Oh, I tell you what, what about this? Last week on the show, I was talking about the fact that me and my girlfriend had had a difference of opinion, let's call it that. Yes. about, well we won't bother what it was about but as part of my punishment I dished out I discontinued her internet account on our computer some might think it was heavy handed

anyway she's now back online apparently she's lost all her favourites I was told this yesterday in a long and let's's say, aggressive email. You see, you put people back on email and then they use it to abuse you in some way. It's almost like, it's like the way God gave Richard Dawkins a tongue, only to diss him on a grand scale. Anyway, so I talked about it on the show last week. When I got in...

You did. Yeah, she said, so who won the row then? I said, what do you mean? She said, well, you had people were texting in who won the row. I thought, we can't have it like that. It's not the Eurovision Song Contest. I can't just come on and air my dirty linen in public and then have the audience vote who's in there.

I mean, it's a nice... To be fair, that is exactly what we do every week. I know that, but it's a very straightforward way of solving an argument. Let the listeners decide. I mean, why bother? Can't I just have a sort of hotline to the house and do it live?

Just come straight and say, listen to this. I could have had a vote before I switched her off the internet to see whether it was the right thing and the wrong thing to do. Who won? I can't remember who was in the top. Me! No, you didn't. Cathy won. She didn't win. I think it was a tight run thing.

And not just split down the gender barrier, as you might think. I'm calling it the gender barrier. I don't like the thought of being split down the gender barrier. I'm quite a fan of it. I find it happens a lot, this weather. Once the salt builds up.

I don't know, I can crack like the Gobi Desert during a draught. So we've had our current, I like to keep you in touch in the friction in my domestic set-up. The current problem we're having

is the reading in bed debate. Oh. I need to get this off my chest, because one of my great joys in life... You know, I'm a man of simple pleasures. I like to sit with my back against a tree, to feel the rough bark against the back.

I like pre-washed woolens. I find once you wash them, they're never quite the same. And I like a poppadom. But I also like to... I hate Indian food in every other aspect, but a poppadom. And not only a poppadom, but all the things that come with a poppadom.

The sliced onions, that yellow stuff that you think is going to be mustard is actually quite sweet. The chutneys, yeah. What a band they were. And then... But I love to read in bed, it really makes me happy. And I like to read in bed for about an hour and a half at night before I go to sleep. And 4.90?

I like to wallow. How long does it take to read, Geoffrey Archer? Quite a long time, I would imagine. Or do you mean as a person, in which case it takes about a second and a half. I once played cricket with Geoffrey Archer. I bowled as he umpired, I remember. Is he trustworthy? You see, I was happy with his decisions, generally.

He only raised a finger once. Meanwhile, back in bed... Yeah, so Kath reads for... Kath takes about 17 magazines to bed and reads for, I would say, between two and three minutes. Oh, does she? Yeah. She has a whole, like, an array of magazines.

Like, she's really set to read. Is it a supermarket week, please, are we talking? I mean, I'm going to admit, the trashiest celebrity... Is Chantal Houghton often on the cover? And is there an exclamation mark after the title? The sort of magazines that wouldn't exist without phone tapping. By the way, I was thinking that if I change my name by deed poll to Premiership Footballer, could I sue the news of the world

for saying I have an affair with Imogen Thomas? I think so. Oh, I gasped and I thought you were going to say something bad. So, yeah, so we've had this dilemma. So I've tried everything, because basically what happens is I sit with the light on reading because, you know, I'm a human being and I need some sort of illumination.

And she, every, say, four minutes, will say, Oh, how much longer are you going to read? And I find it, I don't find it an aid to relaxation. Well, not in that tone of voice. No. Certainly not. No, I'm waiting for it. Do you know what I mean?

I'm clenched. And I'm looking, I'll tell you later some of the things I've tried, but I'm looking, I'll tell you some of the things I've tried, but I'm looking for the answer, because I don't want to give up either Reading in Bed or her. No. If it came down to it, what do you think? Maybe that's not going to be... Well, if I'm going to be honest, I think I'd...

What's with this home? Is this my girl? What is... Frank Skinner on absolute radio absolute radio frank can i just make a brief announcement well yes well i would just like we've got some new guests in the studio that have just arrived and i just like to make it absolutely clear that the belted cardigan I'm wearing is not mine. I found it on a coat hook in Absolute. I'm not sure that's a good enough excuse. Sorry, this isn't mine. I found this.

Well, it was colder than usual. That's why I'm wearing it. I'm wearing an hooded top that I think has got a special large pocket for big issues. But I'm still wearing it. By the way, if you want to text us about anything, we're on 8-12-15. That's 8-12-15. Do I have to spell it out for you people?

Frank, we've had some texting already. Oh, well, some people have jumped the gun. Re, your reading problem. OK. I can hold it, but just in case you're tuning in, I don't want people to think I've got a reading problem. A reading in bed is causing friction in my relationship so tim says get an ipad it is backlit and you don't need a light it also has

auto off if you fall asleep well we all do dear but the thing is i've tried an ipad and also um someone bought me a sort of a screen that you put over your book and that lights up like a fabulous aquarium front. And I find that the light generated by an iPad and this screen in a darkened room is that when I've been reading between seven and eight minutes, I begin to cry. It puts an eye strain on. It's all right if you're reading the last chapter of Little Dorrit, but when it's Gordon Banks''s autobiography tea has seemed inappropriate so um i i've tried that and it's too the bright emanating uh the brightness emanating from the actual text is too much you need you need illumination i thought about having my teeth whitened

and then as long as i can help you out in that area exactly if i just read comical books i'll i'll be able to illuminate them myself it has become a real real problem i bought a little what they call a reading light oh the critics pen light oh yeah it's for critics you see when they're in the theater and they have it yes they have it dangled over their notepad oh i, I can see with one of those, Frank. Get a critics' pen light. But I'm reading, not writing. That's okay. That's fine. Don't be so petty.

I think you should get a torch and then go under covers. Listen to the torch, though. Under the covers? That's a good idea. You get a circle from the torch. You feel like you're sort of a World War II spy. I bought a reading light,

but I don't want to hold it in my hand when I'm reading a book. I need two hands to read a book. One for holding the spine firm, and then another to turn the pages. It's a simple process. I was just going to say, Steve has just said, I also read in bed,

and used to get the same reaction from my gorgeous wife, Sue. Oh, he said gorgeous. He's clever. He's good. Yes, exactly. I'm about to slide my wife off. So here's a lovely adjective. So now I use an LED head torch on red.

A head torch? Yes. On red? That's good. Or night vision goggles. That's what you want. Get some of those SAS night vision goggles. And the great thing is, that really gets you in the mood, doesn't it?

When someone's lying next to you with a head torch on. Exactly, it's like going out with one of the X-Men. Oh, I'm... So I've seen those. I've seen cyclists in those headbands with that thing in the middle. Oh, that would be... On red! I don't want to attract

the wrong type of clientele. No. Oh dear, we've had one called Separate Rooms. I won't go into that one. Oh no. Who's that, from the Duke of Edinburgh? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about the subject that I like to read in bed for ages

and my girlfriend doesn't, and this is, of course, a rift. Oh. Yeah, I mean, with me and Laura, I... Laura is Gareth's wife. Yes. I am the person who stays awake the longest, and Laura can't get to sleep without music on or something on the TV, so we have no problem at all. She has to have the TV on, like Gazza or something.

I think it's to drown out Garrett's inane whinging about life, am I right? And the doubts. Drown out the doubts going through her mind. Oh, the perpetual doubts. That'd be a great name for about the perpetual doubts. Is there any teenagers listening? You know the sort of teenager I'm talking about, that the hair with the fringe goes sideways instead of forwards. You know those young men

now when they look like they've got their head in a chrysanthemum. And they're in a band and they think we can't think of a name. That would be, I've forgotten it already. What is it? The Perpetual Doubts. The Perpetual Doubts, the PDs. I saw the PDs at Isle of Wight, top notch. The is it? The Perpetual Dance. The Perpetual Dance. The PDs. I saw the PDs at Isle of Wight. Top notch.

The PDs? No. No. You two, shut up. We've had more. You two, shut up. A great thing to shout at the Isle of Wight Festival. Shut up with your trying to change the world. I've stolen

Bob Geldof's act. Rubbish. Apparently they're very jealous of each other. I to change the world. I've stolen Bob Geldof's act. Rubbish. Apparently they're very jealous of each other. I'm saving the world. It's my idea to save the world. Mind your own business in future. Well, he won't do that. And here's your date.

That's how it goes on between them. I didn't know the Reverend Ian Paisley was in here too. The poor Africans are waiting. The post is just going on scent because they're arguing about who should be saving the world. Is that the way of a saviour? I think not. I share a gardener with them, I'll have you know.

You share a gardener with them? Yes. That sounds dangerous, doesn't it? Yes. Frank, we've had more texts. It's so many texts about this reading issue. Your reading issue, as I like to call it. Thanks.

559. Mighty bright bendy light provides focused illumination. It has saved my marriage and clips on the back, leaving hands free. Clips on the back? That's a bit painful. I like sitting in the bed with blood just going in between my shoulder blades. It's got real good grip. What is it? I'm going to write that down. What's it called?

Mighty Bright Bendy Light. Mighty Bright. I've written that down. Mighty Bright. Yeah. I'll look into that. I think this is an excellent one. Frank, as you are the showbiz type, why haven't you got an autocue? Oh, I see. That's a good idea.

At the foot of the bed. Yeah. That's a great idea. Do you need someone to operate it, though? But I guess you could do it yourself. Are you looking for extra work? Yeah. Oh, that would be a curious triumvirate. Yeah, me and Kathy in bed. Also, it's difficult for me to read an autocue at the foot of the bed because I sleep in scuba gear. So I find the flippers would cut off both the beginning and the end of the sentence. Can I tell you what will please you, Frank? Some are suggesting that Kath gets involved in this process.

The onus isn't just on you. For example, Alex says, Frank, get Kath an eye mask. Yeah, I don't know if she'd go for that, the eye mask. OK. I mean, I think she'd be worried that she'd get... You know, people who wear... I used to live with David Baddiel. I don't know if you know that. And, you know, the Jewish novelist.

And he used to sleep in a mask. And he always had a line around his hair. I don't think I ever told him this. But you could see the line of the elastic forever. Oh, he's still got that. Oh, he probably still sleeps in that mask. I wouldn't be surprised. But I don't think she'd go for it.

I've dropped hints about the... I thought start off, you you know gently with a lone ranger mask and then maybe little gauze over the the eye holes and then work up to the full blindfold but it hasn't happened well frank there's there's also lots of people frank you know chris a lot of people recommending kindles chris although i don't own one my colleagues kindle amazed me well i had a um i'm calling it a sony reader it was reader. It preceded the Kindle and it didn't have a backlight. So I sat in, I switched it on and I just sat in complete darkness. Is there any point in that?

I bought this tiny little torch from a bookshop and I didn't want to hold it in my hand, so I tried reading with it in my mouth. So I'm reading with a torch in my mouth and it had a very precise light, so it didn't cover the whole book. I was using my tongue to adjust it around the page. It was one of the most erotic reading activities I've ever had. But after a bit, I felt I could taste lithium

and began to panic that the batteries were leaking. It'd be a terrible way Frank Skinner found dead in bed in a weird night reading accident. That would be awful. So, obviously, I toyed with the idea of a glow-in-the-dark condom, but it was... Exactly. Oh, God.

In the end, it was more bookmark than illumination. Fine. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Well, Frank, there's still loads more reading based text coming through. Your problem with your girlfriend.

I'm having the dilemma that I like to read in bed and my girlfriend doesn't. She wants to sleep. I want the light on. Let's call the whole thing up. 864. Hi, Frank. Get her involved. Read out loud. God, she'd love that. We have done that.

We used to read to each other quite a lot. It's a very romantic, loving thing to do. We went through the whole of the Da Vinci Code, reading it to each other. How was that? Oh, God, it's a page turn. So I remember once we were reading a book to each other and we had a row about the reading the book thing and anyway then it was her turn to read and i deliberately didn't

listen to get my own back so i just let her read into the ether wow that's the kind of trivial nastiness of myself i own up to it but uh yes my my newest thing is yesterday a bed tray arrived in the post and the bed tray bed tray it's like a tray but it's in edinburgh or something it's got material on the bottom with padding so it fits neatly into your um what i'd call your gosset section and so you sit up and it's got its own little light on it and the bed, there's a little space for a pen and there's even a drinks cavity in the top right-hand corner. What, like a trough? Well, you know, if you've got, say, you've got 120 pages to go,

you might want a Red Bull in the corner there to get you... Do you know what that's for? If you think, I'm not going to sleep till I've read this, you know that when your eyes are... It feels like people's pouring salt in your eyes and you think, no, I will finish this if it kills me. How much longer are you going to... Will I've read this. You know that when your eyes are... It feels like people's pouring salt in your eyes and you think, no, I will finish this if it kills me. How much longer are you going to read? Will you shut up?

That's my life. Well, you're not the only one who's been having relationship problems. Oh my god, is this going to be embarrassing? No, Johnny Depp has also been having problems. Oh, I'm happy to be in the same man diagram as Johnny Depp. He's been... his partner has um has she's had enough of all his hats he's got a very large collection of hats

i like the way you call it his partner yeah you've got very pc council there it's vanessa parody it is vanessa parody isn't it yeah his partner it's vanessa parody I wasn't sure how to say it. Yeah, very... Is that how you say it, Vanessa Parody? Yes. She was very... I haven't seen her for a while. Joan of Arc, lovely. There's a film called The Girl on the Bridge, French film,

in which a knife thrower, who wasn't that good, so loses several assistants, hangs around a sort of famous suicide bridge looking for young girls, and he can say, well, if you're going to jump off here, you might as well come and be my knife-throwing assistant. And she stars in that very, she looked absolutely

knockout. Cool. Do they have children, the Depps? Do they call them the Depps? Several. I bet they're beautiful, aren't they? The parody Depps, yeah. What a combo. I know. Well, often, sorry to interrupt, but people that good looking, sometimes the offspring can be disappointing. Well, we had neighbours once who were two of the ugliest people I'd ever seen.

I mean, they looked like they might have been born inside out. And they had beautiful young children. I was starting to think that they were being stolen. But yeah, that's when social services should step in and say, I think people as ugly as you won't know how to bring up beautiful children. And you're going to instill them with a humility which will be impractical in later life. So carry on. The last straw. Who's made to call him depot?

I think the children are the deputies. The last straw. Was that the last are the deputies the last straw was that the last hat the last straw boat well the thing was he brought a hat off a homeless man um near the set of pipes of the caribbean and she'd had enough and she said she he's got to get rid of them he's got to get rid of all the hats no the um all the hats his quest it's your phone bar now it It's probably somewhere on his agenda. I mean, obviously I

love and care for the homeless, but I don't know if I'd want to wear one of their hats. According to the son, it was a case of hats enough. And I imagine that's exactly how she phrased it. That's absolutely... It should have been parody lost. Oh, that's first class. Yeah, that would have been beyond them, I imagine. I find that

their use of Miltonic headlines has almost dried up completely. What's happened with them? Anyway, if you want to text us, we'll carry on about Johnny Depp, because I'm kind of fascinated by the hat collection. I've got quite a hat collection myself. I'll be straight with you. Oh, God, you should see my drainpipe

sombrero for heavy rain. I'm a fan of your Cossack. Yes. Well, I don't want to dance now, but we should have some adverts on lest we should not get paid. We only have this accent. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. I was saving the world while you were still at school. How were you? Well, what about this? OMG, your daughter. Ha ha ha! That was... Anyway, if you don't know what that is,

you shouldn't be listening to the radio. No one knows what that is. It's been around long enough, hasn't it, to look that up? If you want to text us, we're on 8-12-15, waiting. Just waiting at your beck and call. Yeah, we've had a lovely email from Rob, who's sending slightly mixed messages. He says, hi, Emily Frankengarath,

why not do your reading before you go to bed? I couldn't read in bed as my girlfriend is so beautiful that I couldn't concentrate on a book. Emily looks very fetching on the webcam today oh god this is this is blanket bombing he's trying to get is he suggesting that my girlfriend is not attractive i don't know it's a ridiculous idea i mean the thing is that the lights off anyway so it's not like i can hmm what is it should i get her to sleep in some sort of high-vis jacket? We've had another text from Nugget.

Can I say, by the way, I've tried reading. I thought I'll stay up late. And then I'll try reading until I'm really tired and then go to bed. It's not the same as reading in bed. No, I'd agree with that. And also when I get into bed Kath will say oh I've been staying up this late it won't be up now. So it's what I'm calling, this is

my little phrase for it, a no win situation. NWS? NWS. Frank, the curiously named Nugget has also texted in. Not Nugget that was on, was it the second series of Big Brother, wasn't he called Nugget? No, he sounds more like a friend maybe of Charles Bronson's Nugget has also texted in... Not Nugget that was on... Was it the second series of Big Brother? Wasn't he called Nugget? Oh, maybe.

With all the hats? No, he sounds more like a friend, maybe, of Charles Bronson's Nugget. I don't know. Morning, Frankengang. Could be a friend of Vanessa Paradis. It could be Nougat. Nougat has missed the first 20 minutes of the show.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Nougat. And he wanted to know, have you updated the listeners on the ring-on-the-table-slash-terminated-email-account situation you mentioned last week? Yes. He was curious to hear how it all went. If you split up, you see, I have a great friend who'd love to step into Kath's shoes,

and she even has a sister who could step into Rachel's. Oh, my God. Job lot. It's all gone a bit Playboy Mansion. who could step into Rachel's. Oh, my God. Job lot. It's all gone a bit Playboy Mansion. In case you don't know, my girlfriend's sister is... She's living with us at the moment. Me and two women living in the same house. I don't know if you know what it's like to get up in the morning

and there's a brazier next to the toaster. But it's not... Well, marvellous, I should imagine. It's exactly how I imagined show business would be. Nougat does say, oh, just heard you mention that was some disappointment. Oh, just heard you mention the whole reading in bed problem, so I guess you and Kath are still going out with each other.

Yes, well, can I just say that me and Kath, although we have our occasional squabbles, are very much in love. And I think, as we all know, it is the grit, the irritation within an oyster which creates the beautiful pearl next I'm still fascinated by Johnny Depp's

hats, I'm fascinated I have quite a large hat collection myself as I say but I rarely wear them, one because I've got a very big head I mean I don't know if you know I played the elephant man on Broadway with no make up just every other sentence I'd go, and people just bought it. I've got a big head and that means that when I wear a hat, I often get one of those red lines around

the forehead, which looks like I've pulled my underpants up very, very high. But I do, fold my underpants up very, very high. But I do, I like the idea of a hat. I also, I don't look too good with hat hair. No one who does. But mine goes very, I look like an acorn. It really flattens out into a fringe. Well, the nine pound haircut isn't helping. Well, yeah, but you know, you can't say,

oh, could you cut it so it resists the hat hair phenomenon? Well, I do. Do you? You're blow-dried, though. Well, you are. Your hair is. You are like some sort of Chinese chicken in a window. Or is that air-dried? What is it? Wind-dried.

Wind-dried chicken is apparently very... I think it's quite unkind to the chicken, wind-drying. Oh, dear. I suppose, once you've killed it. Have you had to ever... Do they have souls, chickens? That's this morning's texting. Do chickens have souls?

8, 12, 15. Carry on. No, close. Have you ever had to get rid of something? Is Frank... Sorry, is Kath happy with you? Don't speak to me in the third... Is Frank happy?

Frank's so starry, we have to speak to him in the third person. Exactly. Yes, Frank is happy at the moment. Have I ever had to get rid of anything? Yeah. What, for Kath's benefit? yeah oh a la johnny you mean like johnny yeah chlamydia i mean two weeks of antibiotics to me is not a great sacrifice

it was a lot harder to get that it wants to get rid of let me put it that way i i've got rid of several things uh for caths um for counter. Peace of mind. Self-respect. Now, I had a Native American fruit machine. Oh, I thought it was going to be a human being for one minute. Well, it looked like a human being. It looked like a Native American. I really struggled with the phrase Native American. I know it's politically correct,

but he had a big headdress and a tomahawk, so he was somewhat stereotypical Native American. And he was an enormous correct, but I mean he had a big headdress and a tomahawk. So he was somewhat stereotypical Native American. And he was an enormous, he was about seven foot high and within his chest cavity was a fruit machine. Did you pull down

the tomahawk to make it clear? When we had that big argument I did pull down the tomahawk. But she locked herself in the bathroom. No, you pulled... There was a lever just under the North... Just under the Native Americans' armpit. The armpit area.

It's a small lever. Not every Native American. If you know a Native American, don't go looking. Well, I do, as you know. But on this side, of course, you... Yes, I forgot about that. There was no lever there. No.

You're the only person I know who's liaised with a Native American. It's rather wonderful. So you pulled the lever and then the fruit went round. So I had to get rid of that. And also I had a table... Did she have reservations about that? Yes, she did. So then

I also had to get rid of, I had a table football machine. I mean, they're boyish things. And when I became a man, I put away childish things. I had a table football, which was based on people I interviewed on the second series of the Frank Skinner show. Some of you may remember I had a chat show back in the old days.

Oh, yeah. And so I had, like, Jermaine Greer at centre-forward, Michael Aspel wide left, and Charlie Dimmock holding midfield. And also, I had a Frank Skinner-themed pinball machine, which had me on it and several guests. They all went on eBay because when Kath moved in there was you know we had to make room for a

elaborate African icons collection that she brought with her I mean those spears that some of them are 12, 15 feet long. I mean, sorry. Sorry, Cochise. Time to go, that's what I said to the fruit machine. So, yeah, so I've got rid of a lot of treasured things in order to appease my girlfriend. I think that's, it's give and take, isn't it? Well, I asked Laura,

because I couldn't think of anything that I'd got rid of, but what it turns out is that Laura just throws my stuff away without me noticing. Quite a lot of clothes have gone without me noticing. Really? You seem to be wearing the same thing, Phil. Yeah, I'm just thinking, how bad were they

to take those clothes if these one remain? I think I recognise that sweatshirt, Frank, actually. So she actually throws it away? Yeah, like, withoutirt, Frank, actually. So she actually throws you... Yeah, like, without me... You know, she mentioned some things that she'd thrown away, and I thought, oh, yeah. And some beads I had. Beads?

I had some nice beads, yeah. Oh, you should have come round and traded with my Native American. Frank, you wore beads. Yeah, they were my Damon Albarn beads. Beads to be like Damon Albarn. I'm slightly... This is the note I've just got. Keep going till S7.

S Club 7 are coming in the studio. Am I actually... I'm a spaceship. S Club 7 are about to enter the building. Keep going till 5-7. Those of you looking to make a cup of tea, you've only got a minute and twenty to wait. That's a minute and twenty minutes.

Frank, never mind that, Gareth wore beads. You wore beads? Yes, that's something she chucked out. They weren't war beads. Oh, you wore a sort of hippie? Oh, old raver. Horrible. But, Laura did, when we got married,

Laura did get rid of her collection of porcelain dolls i was so sure you're gonna say porn then i could have put money on that um she had some porcelain dolls well see in the end i think i i've always found that throwing stuff away is uh is is very uplifting i once moved home seven times in a year. Yes, often in the early hours of the morning, if you're wondering. Well, one of those homes was the Central Reservation in Birmingham. Indeed. Yeah, just me and the Native American.

But by the end of it, I could get all my belongings in a small hold all, and that's a beautiful feeling. So I'm all for throwing stuff out especially if they're yours gareth okay anything else just clothes or um yeah mostly just and some books books though that i think i draw the line at uh oh dear i've no idea which ones i haven't noticed no perhaps you should number them. That's your only option. Well, I know I won't tell you. I've got a strange Johnny Depp hat story. How brilliant.

Maybe I'll just tell you off air. I don't know. I'll bore people with my old anecdotes. What they want, they want, you know, fresh chat. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, you may know that there's a big Showbiz Awards ceremony tomorrow. No. The BAFTA TV Awards.

Well, why would I know? Well, that's true. No one contacted me about the BAFTA TV Awards. Thanks for bringing it up. I'm the forgotten man of British comedy. Well, you may be. But I... I was anticipating some man of British comedy. Well, you may be, but I... I was anticipating some recitation of that.

No, it's not happening. OK. No, thank you. You know we're all huge fans of you. Yes, carry on. I wondered how long that was going to have to take. Yeah. So, I was on...

You may find this hard to believe, but I was one of the jury members for one of the awards at the Bachelors tomorrow. I remember Ben Jones trying to spin this old yarn. It better not be the audience vote one. Is it? Oh, Emily! No, mine was, what it is, there were about 60 shows and I had to get it down. Me and my, there were sort of very eminent broadsheet TV critics.

Okay. Yeah. Boy Tilton, off of Heat, was there. I like him. Yes, he's good. We had to get it down to six, to a short list of six. And now the audience will vote. So it was shows that would make a big impact.

So we included Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Of course. Yeah. So they could win a BAFTA. Yeah. TOWIE. So they could win a BAFTA. Yeah. See, because it's just them living their lives, would they not be winning a BAFTA just for being? Well, it's funny you should say that,

because when I went to the party... It's not that funny. Well, it is quite funny, because when I bumped into... Compared to some of the things I say, it's positively serious. Sombre, even. When I bumped into Mark from The Only Way Is Essex, he said, thank you so much, I'm so honoured,

I never thought I'd be nominated for a Bachelor, it's a great honour. Like he was Ian McKellen or something. So he knew that you were on the jury? Oh, yeah, he knew. He knew, all right. OK. I met the Gypsies, and I'm quite good friends with them now. Wow. Oh, right.

Don't tell me you bought a horse. No. Cash. We bonded. And we're going to be friends on Facebook. Oh, brilliant. She said to me, she had a northern accent. I can't remember what it was. I'm going to do an impression.

But I'm allowed to do northern accents, aren't I? That's OK. I think that's all right. She said, oh, my God, you're the poshest person I've ever met in my life. I said, really? So you have no idea then she said she said oh i'm pregnant i said oh that's amazing just from meeting a person yes i think that used to happen to certain girls a lot in the 19th century

i said how many months she went i don't know but that's the great thing about about thepsies, is they don't live... They're not slaves to the clock like we are. No. They live by the natural cycles. It's a beautiful thing. Can I tell you who I didn't warm to? Oh, please do.

I love it when you tell me who you haven't warmed to. It can be a long conversation. I had a bit of an issue with Phone Jacker, I have to be honest. Oh, with the balaclava. Well, I held out my hand. Boyd Hilton introduced me. I held out my hand. Boyd Hilton introduced me. I held out my hand for shaking.

It lay there limply. He ignored my hand. Oh, no. It was an ugly moment. He might have very poor peripheral vision. I've really gone off phone, Jacker. He's better on the phone than in real life. He's a very handsome man, though.

Not anymore. Oh, God, what did you say? I asked He's a very handsome man, though. Not anymore. Oh, God, what did you throw acid in his face? Oh, well. He'll be in the phantom next year. Well, I... So, I like the idea of... Because it's tomorrow, isn't it? It's tomorrow. But guess what, Frank?

Could you fix it so Vanessa Redgrave wins another Lifetime Achievement Award? Because I could do part two of that speech. Fabulous sort of surrealist random speech that she did. Frank, don't you think it's disgusting? I say disgusting, yes. I was on the jury, but I'm not invited to the ceremony tomorrow. It's quite bad, isn't it?

You're joking. No! That's our order. Yeah. It's a strange award as well. It's an ugly, isn't it? You're joking. No! That's out of order. Yeah. It's a strange award as well. It's an ugly award. What is? Oh, no, I like them.

Oh, I don't like them. And I think that the way it is, you know, it's got the one fielding eye and the one... I think that's what... I think Gabrielle would have won two or three, but people thought it'd be... They thought it'd be a bit embarrassing to get her up there standing next to him

and I don't think that's fair I went to the animal BAFTAs you know they had the animal BAFTAs for about two years for animals that were on telly and in films they did it what were the categories the categories

best dog and doggeries there was Wellard won What was he called? You know, best... Oh, the categories. Best dogger and dogger is. There was... Wellard won... Oh, Wellard wins every year. Yeah. No, it's funny you should say that. There was a cat, apparently, that won the Lifetime Achievement

nine times on the round. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, this week I had to, we've got to replace our car. So I went car shopping. Okay, I know someone who will buy any car. Really? Yeah, I don't see it's a company.

Well, yeah, I don't know who they are, but I can whistle it to you. Okay, well I can whistle it to you. OK, well, I'll whistle that. Which I realise now is actually the song of the female blackbird. I wonder if that's where they got that idea for the advert from. Very probably. Yeah. So I went to talk to a man about buying a car. Yeah.

And he said, so would you like a tea or coffee? And they give you free tea or coffee if you go and talk to a car yeah and he said um so would you like a tea or coffee and they give you free tea or coffee if you go and talk to a car man okay this is was it this was at some notice we're not that sure well no but the only the only other time i've been offered a free tea or coffee is when i went to like what laura's hair where laura got a haircut when we lived in cardiff and then like in a hair salon they give you a cup of tea. Yes. Have you ever been offered a cup of tea at a barber's?

Not in a Cardiff hair salon, no. I have. I think anywhere where they're dealing with things that's under a bonnet. You get free. No, I have been offered tea. I find that when you have tea in a barber shop, you have to sit with your hand over it because I don't want to look down and there's a crust of my own hair that I have

to sock through. I hate that. No, but I've never been offered a cup of tea in a man's hairdressers. But I did think that if I ever needed a cup of tea urgently I imagine you're offered orange squash. I don't know why I think that.

I get champagne in my hairdressers. Do you? A glass of champagne. And then it softens the blow if you don't like why I think that. I get champagne in my hairdressers. What? Glass of champagne. And then it softens the blow if you don't like the haircut. Perfect. Funnily enough, we don't get that in the nine-quin haircut shop. We don't get champagne. We get nothing. Yeah.

But I thought that it was a good way to get, if you ever needed a cup of tea urgently, that would be a good way to get one, is to go to a car dealership. To pretend you wanted to buy a car. Well, no, you're always interested. You know get one, is to go to a car dealership. To pretend you wanted to buy a car. Well, no, you're always interested. You know, you might. So you're at a dealership. Second hand, were you going? No, like

a kind of, no, a new one. I could buy a new one. If I was buying a new one, I'd want more than a cup of... I'd want a tuna melt! If I was buying a new car. I think Gareth's going to a new car show. One TV appearance at Russell Howard is completely... Honestly, it's not that straightforward.

Don't think now you've cracked it. No, I do a lot of driving, and you can do good deals where, you know, monthly payments and all that. I'm not buying the cash or anything. Worry about that. OK. I can't believe we're now discussing higher purchase. So, did you purchase?

It's a Skoda. Are you going for a Skoda? Yeah. Yes, that's what I would have imagined. The same one that I've got at the moment, but the estate version, because we've got another little one on the way. Hey, go wild. Another 20 centimetres.

Go wild, estate version. Yeah, I used to drive a Skoda. In the days when, whenever you drove past kids, I used to drive a Skoda. In the days when, whenever you drove past kids, they used to go, Skoda! When you went past. I thought they were shouting that. Then I looked round, there was a little man with a lightsaber in the back. Oh, well, I had a bit of a...

Did you buy a car? Yeah, we did. I mean, there's some worry about the finance, but I don't think my driving license... Frank, I don't like the sound of there's some worry about the finance. This isn't purchase. This is joyriding. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Alex says... We were talking about bargains earlier. Well, we were talking about bargains earlier. Well, we were talking about Gareth particularly. He was pleased he got a free cup of tea, which was a little sad. Great show. I was once offered a free can of Tennant's lager whilst getting my hair cut in a barber's. I had to refuse as I was driving.

Was this before he sold Johnny Depp his hat? If I'd known about the free beer, I obviously wouldn't have driven. God, that's quite... That's full-on freebie in a barber's. I don't like the idea that alcohol is swilling around in any kind of hairstyling salon. Yeah. It's a bad idea.

Well, I got a bargain this week to end all bargains. Did you? Oh! I went into Thornton's Chocolate Cabin. Because, no, she doesn't do X Factor anymore. No. I went into Thornton's Chocolate Cabin. Do they still call it the Chocolate Cabin?

I'm not sure. Anyway, Thornton's the shop. And they were selling off Easter eggs on the cheap. Because Easter's gone now. When I say on the cheap, I don't think that's a chicken pond. No. Because Easter's gone. Yes.

Right. And they had, I mean, a proper, really high-class egg in there. I mean, we're talking about the art of the chocolatier. A pound. A pound? A pound for a proper Thorntons. What did it come down from, ballpark figure? Well, I didn't ask. I'd say between five and seven,

so possibly six. You think? Well, I mean, it was worth because I don't know about you, but often I'll get an Easter egg, it'll be in the fridge for a month. So it makes no difference to me. I don't feel it needs to be. And this was an absolute beauty. And it actually said, there's about five of them left,

there was a sign, Easter eggs are pound, it said underneath in brackets, sale of the century. I thought, well, I'm not missing out on this. That's somewhat overstating the case, surely. I was thrilled. It had the, you know, the parched desert patterning on the outside that they always have on an Easter egg for some reason. Oh, yes, I know exactly what you mean.

Like a sort of crazy paving they like to put on the outside of an Easter egg. Never worked out why. Inside, unfortunately, there was a dead chicken. But I'm guessing there was just about enough air for it to last till, say, Easter Monday. Frank, can I ask, though, were you specifically on the hunt for an Easter egg? A friend of mine was opening at the National Theatre on Tuesday night, so I was getting chocolates for his opening night. You know, card chocolates, the usual thing.

So I was in there doing an act of kindness. You didn't give him an Easter egg? No, I didn't give him an Easterter egg no i didn't give him an easter egg i think that that's cheap you can't do them as gifts i don't think better late than never i got in the box and um you know while i was in there i thought well i'm not missing out on the sound of the century i mean who would so uh so yeah i i bought that that. And I like a bargain. I am a man who will buy something I don't want if it's a genuine bargain. Yes, I understand that.

Which didn't apply to the Easter egg. I like a sort of inadvertent bargain. Inadvertent, yes. I be as I call it. For example, the other night, when I was with you, we went to see your friend, Con, in the Cherry Orchard. Did you go to the... He's a fruiterer.

He was just collecting the fall fruit. And there was a moment when you and Kath went to get the drinks, I went to the toilet, came back and the drinks had already been got, and someone did make a comment and said, oh, you missed out on the round then. Well, I realised this was a great comment and said oh you missed out on the round then well i realized this was a great plot all night i missed out on the round i did it again go to the toilet and miss buying drinks yeah i don't know if i'd call that a bargain it's just slimy it's old-fashioned i'll be interested to hear actually let anyone who's who's got a great bargain who's listening in, text us on 81215.

You know the train stations, you have the toilets where you have to put money in the slots and the turnstiles? Yes. Well, sometimes, if you look at the little digital display, someone's already put 10p in. So where it's normally 30p, someone hasn't got all their change and you just have to put in 20p.

So that's a good tip for money-saving. It's always worth checking the little digital display. Yeah, I mean, obviously, you could wet yourself waiting for that moment. But, I mean, if you wet yourself, you've saved 30p. That's the way I see it. If you're trying to avoid paying for drinks at a train station. Well, it's funny.

Pete in Cambridge has said, I was in town once without any money and was dying for a cup of tea and something to eat, so I saw a poster saying, Give blood, and I went in and without any money and was dying for a cup of tea and something to eat. So I saw a poster saying, give blood. And I went in and gave blood just so I could have a cup of tea. Now, in America, you sell, you get paid for your blood. So you would have actually come out. Because homeless people go and sell their blood.

I mean, obviously, it's a fire risk. But, yeah, you can actually sell your blood. Apparently, people get, you. Apparently people get broke. They just go from place to place selling seven or eight pints in a day. Do they throw in a hat for free? I think they become rather faint. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Frank, bargains. I'm loving these bargains. I got seven mini Jaffa cakes in a box of six. That's from Forrest in Bromley. Dennis in London bought ten cream eggs for a pound. Great bargain till egg seven. You don't have to do them in one go.

He did them like shots. Lined them up. I think cream eggs keep even better than real eggs. There's a little tip for those of you who don't know. Don't pretend that this is just empty piffle that we speak. That's very responsible advice as well for the younger generation. Each substitute real eggs for cream eggs. Exactly.

But what would the omelette be like? Could you make a cream egg omelette? Well, shall I try that for next week? Why don't you? Well, let's do it on the show. We can get a celebrity chef in. Would I put the shells in? Don't put the silver paper in. If it gets on your filling, apparently. Oh, fine, don't.

They say if it gets trapped on your filling, you can pick up Radio 4. Have you heard that before? Yeah, I heard that. Someone held silver paper on a filling and they could hear the radio. I think it wasn't the radio floor. I think it was local cab company. Try it. Darren and Hans.

At the gym, I found a pound coin in the drop-down slot in the locker door. Went in to lose weight and gained a pound. I always... Kath gives me a hard time about this. I always pick up change. You don't. If I see even a penny in the street, I will bend down and pick it up. And I also do this thing of I don't do the kind of subtle.

I go, yes! And run over and scamper. Yeah, I don't know why people... Do they think it's got wee on it? Is that what they think? Very probably. People will walk over anything copper they'll they'll you know it's got a bit even a 5p they won't go for i think most people they anything under a 20

they won't pick up what's happened to this decadent lifestyle that we've that we've got we won't pick up money in the street free money not pennies oh i hate pennies. My worst coin. So that's the founding of your worst coin. What's your worst coin? Well, yeah, I think mine was the old Threepenny bit. Not the silver Threepenny bit with the wren, but the one that was, I think it was an octagon. I was never a fan of the large, remember the old large 5p? Disproportionate sizing.

It was wrong. Frank? I'm not happy with... I think the £2 coin is a bit Starbucks accessory. It's a bit too big for a coin. Do you know what I mean? Why is it with Starbucks? We'll sell chocolate, but less to the coins.

What a weird idea. Frank, four Seabass fillets and Grimsby docks. 75p. That is... That's almost a giveaway. I'm down there. I'm going down there right now. Yeah.

I'm Charlie and Yeovil. Charlie and Yeovil. How much does that cost? God, it's the country. That's where they live in the wildlife. Don't look at me. We can't advertise, I can't. I was with my parents looking for a prom dress

when we came across one and I tried it on and it was a perfect fit. Then I looked at the price. What was a £50 dress I brought for 30 quid. This is from Charlie. Charlie in Yeovil. OK. Charlie with an I. A prom from Charlie. Charlie in Yeovil. OK. Oh.

A Charlie with an I. A prom dress. That doesn't make it acceptable. She's got an excellent I for a bargain. But that is a, that's a real bargain. Oh, I wonder what, I bet she was the belle of the ball. Did she wear one of those? Does it call a corsage?

Oh, corsage. Yeah, corsage. I think the idea is that the bow... I think in Yeovil you wear a sorsage. OK. I think the idea is that... I think in Yorkville you wear a corsage. I can only apologize. Frank, this is quite upsetting. Frank, I found a pound in Newcastle. Oh, just Newcastle. Is that it? That's what I call an anecdote.

In my jubilation, I jumped up to proclaim my good fortune and broke my wife's nose as he leaned in behind me to see what I'd found. We shouldn't laugh. It's a terrible, terrible tale. And I think that proves, doesn't it, that money is indeed the root of all evil. She took a pounding. Garrett's on a pond fire trail. It's that Skoda.

It's all going to end in tears when the finance doesn't come through. Well, my driving licence is in my old address. Oh. We don't want to know about the admin problems. Does that mean the bills will go to your old address? Well, you see, in our bungalow, the postage isn't very good because it's a new build. It's a new build?

Yeah. The postman... Come very good because it's a new build. It's a new build? Yeah. The postman... Come on, spit it out. The postman hasn't quite found it yet. Has he really? Was it Harry Potter or something? I don't know where it is. Have you thought of having a small candle burning in the window?

For him. Oh, sorry, our post is delivered by a moth. I guess that's not true for everyone. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. You started the show talking about how you've been having problems reading in bed you're right no i suppose you're just having problems reading i've had a stroke um this is very good from dan

um 646 you could maybe learn braille and then you could read in the dark that is fantastic i bet it's quite an undertaking though isn't it yeah but what an achievement. That would be brilliant. What a brilliant thing to do. The trouble is, imagine when you're there, you're getting very tired thinking, oh, well, this is absolutely gibberish, and then you realise it's that rash on your inner thigh. You've just gone, no, but I want to look into learning braille.

I imagine it's probably, it'll be a course. Feel into it, I think. There'll be a course, yeah. Yeah. No, that's an excellent idea. And have you seen... I mean, one of the big news of the week is Arnie having an extra child.

He's got a secret. Yeah. Love child. Is this a texting or a... No. Someone sent that in. I don't know if you should read it. I'm just saying.

Has he not got an injunction? No, he hasn't. We have to respect him for that. No, I did see about that. Did I see about it? It's only the best thing that's ever happened. I absolutely love it. Apparently the housekeeper said

to a friend... Are you referring to Mildred Boehner? Yes. She said that Arnold Schwarzenegger has long hands. Don't finish that. He used to touch the back of the housekeepers and grab their behinds. He used to touch the back of the housekeepers?

I hate it when people do that. I think they used to play a game with his wife where you had to secretly touch a part of the housekeepers and he said i'll be backs i was wondering can we get through this without an i'll be back well i think we should go without it but did you i'm a big fan of mildred bayner's wardrobe are you there's a red velour track pant that i had my eye on and a white sort of nana pant is how i will describe it a sort of sort of slack white nana slack yes um but i thought it showed

him in quite a good light i mean obviously not that he cheated on his wife that's wrong that bit wasn't so good frowned upon but the fact that he'd gone for someone not, should we say, not obvious. No, she wasn't. She's very squat. She really is. You talk about her wardrobe. She could share a wardrobe with, what's he called?

SpongeBob SquarePants. She is of a very similar shape. I mean, I've never seen anyone. I don't know if he was drawn in by a low centre of gravity. But she has a sort of... How can I put it? A sort of fairground mirror sexuality about her. Yes, very much so.

She's got thick, short, thick legs. You can imagine... You can imagine he's just done a big lift when he's doing his white shirt and he said Mildred hold that for a minute certainly honey and then she just holds that while you adjust what I'm imagining is probably a chamois leather posing pouch

and then she hands it back but she looks like Maradona in women's clothes she does look a bit and she's got that fabulous pre-serum hair that they had in the 80s pre-serum I'm not familiar with that term. Pre the invention of serum. You just let it go wild and the frizz just, you just went with it.

You couldn't tame or control it. And I like that she's still gone with that. I'm going to own up that I completely missed the whole serum invention. Somebody came round my house and said I'm selling serum, I would, well I'd be shocked. I mean she is a younger woman though. She is. She's younger than his wife by five years. Is she really?

Because she looks 60. You can't say that. No, I like, I love her, I love her squatness. I bet she could leap a 20-foot wall without a run-up, which is handy if you're having an affair, because if the wife turns up unexpectedly, she can be out of there like like a gazelle well more of a frog more of a large toad is how she would leave

but that's quite weird for the child i mean do you think he's always known that's his father arnold schwarzenegger that's quite weird to suddenly discover that i thought there was quite a harsh quote where a pal said he was strikingly different from his half brothers and sisters blonde and very handsome he's blonde and handsome this is the theory we're talking about who did a handsome child come out of mildred oh right no but i i love mildred's um i do and i and men are all men have got this thing about the housekeep because they know that they can have an afternoon liaison and that bed will still be neat as ninepence afterwards for when the wife gets back, and that's a plus. But I love the fact that he's, you know,

he's going to be off-piste with the affair because it's the easiest thing in the world for these people to get one sort of glamour model after the next. And I love that, but I would imagine that the child would be a Maradona look-alike. I think it's great that he has thought, you know, it doesn't have to be beautiful, leggy, blonde. It can be, you know, it can be the cleaner.

He's had what I would call a road to Domestos experience. Anyway, is that the last link, Lisa? No, it's not the last link. I don't want to say goodbye and then come back again. You could say we'll be back. That would be like when David Baddiel tried to get me to leave his house. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Well, look, that's about it from us lot. I've had another lovely day on the radio. Sweet and wonderful job. And I think I have to say our listeners were in absolute top form. So that's splendid. Oh, Tina, bring me the axe! Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio.