The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - The Sony Awards Aftermath

Episode Date: May 10, 2011

Frank chats about their Sony Award win, Gareth tells of his first first TV appearance and Emily reveals her fascination with Red or Black.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hey, welcome to Not The Weekend podcast.

I'm Frank Skinner. And I'm here with Emily and Gareth. Hello. And this is an Absolute Radio thing that we do. Some of you may have heard it before. Some of you may be new to the fold. What, with the blaze of publicity may be new to the fold. What, with the blaze of publicity we've had over the

last 48 hours, I wouldn't be surprised. Well, welcome! And it's great to see you. In case you're wondering what the hell I'm discussing here. We are now officially the award-winning radio programme. I'm so excited about it.

Best entertainment. Yes. The best entertainment on all of the radio. What did you say? Best entertainment. It's not all of it. It makes us sound arrogant when you say it like that. That's what we are now.

No, be arrogant, but don't sound it. No, no, I've actually... I spent the whole of this morning scratching onto the award in brackets in all of radio. I said, that's fine, in double writing. I did say to Gareth, Frank, what did I say in the car on the way home when we left the ceremony? I said, I was happy because I said, I like this because it means I'll be able to bring it up in rows. I can use it in rows with people. Just that I've won a Sony. How will you

use that? Well, there'll be a poor man in a cafe that gets the order wrong. You know! Oh, I thought you meant personal, right? Yes, you've never been the same with me since I won that Sony award in 2011. Best entertainment.

Best entertainment. Non-regional It's nice though One has to make the most of these moments Because there'll be I'm sure many defeats To come If the good lord spares us And the creaks don't rise

I say the creaks don't rise That's another story Bear in mind It's alright for you guys All you did was taste success But I had two individual awards Where I did not even feature in the bronze category. Yeah, but in fairness, one of the awards that you were nominated for, Best Speech Radio Personality,

you were still doing all your press conferencing and posing with Jamie Cullum, your new best friend, backstage. Jamie Cullum, who says he's a big fan of the show, listens often, you know, we must play more jazz. He came and stood quite near me, I thought. I'm not saying why, but he did stand near me for the photo. I think you did have a very ornate belt buckle he was admiring. I thought he was standing very far away,

but it was just because of how small he was. That's perspective, do you see? Amazing. Anyway, so I won't lie, there was a disappointment for me as well. That'll be a relief to people to hear. Yeah, exactly. And I think you've got to have light and dark in life.

And I was up for best music personality, best speech personality, and as I say, I didn't even feature in the first three of either. It was almost as if they put me up just to knock me down. However... Yeah, but Frank, best music personality was Ronnie Wood, who had his posse with him. Yeah, but how great that Ronnie Wood was there.

Are they a murder of crows, then? I think they are. That's what they are. I love the posse. It's only a matter of time, I would have thought. Oh, no, but the last time I was nominated for an award with the word personality in it, I lost to Michael Barrymore. So at least this is an improvement on that. To lose to Danny Baker and Ronnie Wood is in a way an honour. Nevertheless, I thought I could have been in the silver or bronze.

I mean, I don't want to go on about it but i'm it was about 10 minutes after winning uh the best uh entertainment that the nagging pain of losing the other two started to started to hit but you know to be true i could have danced all night i could have i couldn't actually because i got a bad knee but you know in my mind i could have danced. Mental dancing, one of my favourites. And Chris Evans hosted the evening. You see a lot of award ceremonies, they're quite dull, I think. And yet he brings that barely

suppressed rage and bitterness, which to me, gives the evening a bit of a je ne sais quoi. What was going on with the suit? It was a bit sort of Egyptian businessman. Yes. He needed a bit sort of Egyptian businessman. Yes. It was a... He needed a vest to round it off.

And he had... One of those propellers on the ceiling going round. Maybe a small man in a long nightshirt trying to sell him dirty postcards. He did get angry at one point as well. At one point. But he... You'll find he rode a wave of rage for the whole night. Well, a woman came on and she was was one of those very Sony Award women,

if you know what I mean by that. What, sort of Radio Margate? A tiny little old lady. There was a lot of draping and dangly earrings, you know. And she came on, and she said something like, Oh, I've been looking all night. You've got a stain on the back of your jacket. Yes, he did do that.

And he said, yes, one of the waiters banged into it. He got quite angry, didn't he? Yes. He said, I got banged into by a tray of food. I thought he was going to beat her to death the way he looked. I didn't think he was going to do that. I thought he was going to, just three or four blows to the lower abdomen,

just so she went down. And then he'd have held the mic at the suitable level so she could accept it from her knees. No, he was, I think he does make it interesting. Yeah. Because often it is a bit bland. And you do feel that he could snap at any moment. It's that tension in the air which lifts the whole event.

There was a charity auction at one point that he did. Yes, I wasn't sure about that. He was getting excited. He was stamping his little caramack shoes. He was shouting, was what he was doing. He was shouting. Frank, can I ask you guys something? Why did Robbie Savage have an entirely separate section

of the evening devoted to him? We got there, we sat down, Chris Evans came on, there was music, Robbie Savage gets an award, and then that part of the evening finished. No, Chris Evans didn't come on, did he? Oh, did he not? Was it just Robbie Savage? Even the proper host doesn't give that first award. It's for best

newcomer, isn't it? No, you know why that is? I've worked it out. Well, that was Jerry Hallowell who gave that award, and they've got history, haven't they? Yeah, but I think it's, surely they've excused that now. Oh, not if they're anything like me they haven't. Oh, no. Poor Jerry, lying on her bed in dirty pyjamas, having just been to the all-night garage to get £433 worth of chocolate.

I mean, was it worth it? I don't think so. I thought she looked fabulous. I like an exposed zip on a woman. Well, don't talk to me about zips. Why? I had a wardrobe malfunction, which I kept from you. Oh, Janet Jackson. Well, I thought you'd be stiff with stress if you knew about it.

I wouldn't have been stiff with stress if I'd seen it, probably. Before I came out... Are you eating, by the way? Yes, I'm starting to take it out. You're chewing. I'm award-winning now. I tried the dress on, Frank. It was all perfect.

Do you know one of those zips that goes the entire length of the dress? Yes. Do you know that? Oh, I know the type you mean. Guys, do you know one of those zips that goes the entire length of the dress? Yes. Do you know that? Oh, I know the type you mean. Guys, do you know it? Yes. Okay. So it all fitted beautifully, if I may say so.

As I went to take it off, it came clean off in my hand, the top of the zip, exposing the teeth of the zip separated. It was like I was wearing an operating gown or something at the back. It was like the Jaws poster. Yes. Can you imagine if that had happened on stage whilst we were accepting the Sony Award? I can.

So I had to do a quick swap. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, good on you for your last-minute professionalism. I like Jenny Morris' outfit. It looked like she'd come out in a sort of a black velvet top and leggings and then mischievous boys had placed a tapestry over one shoulder of which she was not aware.

I bet she looks in the mirror and goes, what on earth? I felt a heaviness on my right shoulder. I thought it was some sort of stroke, but my God, it's a damn tapestry. Weird. It was a fun night, though. I did my speech.

Your speech was good. I liked it. I'll tell you about my speech. I did a Hamlet reference. Did you? Something you should always do. Because I pointed out that many years ago, I said that it would be possible to tell if my career was in ruins because you'd hear me saying I was passionate about radio.

And then I said, I don't know if you're familiar with my own petard, but it's very suitable for hoisting. Yes, I like that. There was three or four laughs from Radio 4, nothing from Talk Sport. In fact, Andy Gray looked at me as if I'd said something obscene. He was enraged by such a reference. And I thought after, was it a bit... Was it pretentious, is what I thought.

And then I thought, no. That was my thought processes, basically, after it. In between, but not even bronze, which just kept coming back at me like a big screaming kestrel. And two different hosts of Eggheads on the stage as well. Now, one of those is a friend of mine, Dermot Murnahan. Is he really? Yeah, it's quite strange.

Do you know Eggheads is one of my favourite programmes? Is it? I absolutely love it. You don't? Honestly, I do. Yeah, it's something that money can't buy, the Egg's reputation. Obviously, it would

be able to buy that if it wasn't for the super injunctions. No, I love eggheads. It's the best thing. Here's the other presenter then, Dermot Monaghan. And Jeremy Vine. Oh, Jeremy Vine. Oh, I didn't know he did that. Oh, God, yeah. Do you know when...

We shouldn't go on about this, because people are probably already bored, but when they actually announced the winner, I actually punched the air. I saw that. Yeah, I mean, which you're not... I don't think you're supposed to do at the top end. No.

No, that was a bit Best Station with less than 300 listeners, Radio Wiltshire response. I liked it when... I thought you were aiming for me, but just missed. Well, actually, Ronnie Wood, they had some... Absolute was nominated for some best branded content. He was going, yeah! Trying to be the company man, which I really enjoyed.

Oh, good. Yes, he's really taken to it, I must say. I was talking to him before and he was saying how thrilled he was to be nominated. Ronnie Wood. Oh, Ronnie. Oh, great. Frank, I was embarrassed that when... And then he went ahhh! Ahhh!

And soared across the bar. I realised Wurzel Gommage had come in from the toilet. Scared the hell out of him. When the nomination was when it emerged that we'd won, which was a great moment for all of us. I'm going to talk about this a lot.

I'm not going to stop. Are we an hour in yet? Yeah. What was rather embarrassing was that you punched the air, which is, you know, you do your thing, that's fine. Gareth, I didn't see what you were doing. But I jumped up in excitement and ran towards the stage full pelt. Well, you were certainly there before me.

I was. I thought I was going to have to take you down. And then I thought, well, I'd better hang back a bit. Because I thought, well, I can't be the first one on. It'll just be me and Chris Evans. That's going to be awful. So I just hung back and had to wait for you. That was really awkward.

You took so long to get up. You were doing an Oscar thing, shaking hands with people. Oh, I've got a bad leg. And also, I thought the limp to the stage was quite a romantic moment. I think it's like when Douglas Bader got the VC. I don't know if you remember that moment.

Old tin legs, they called him. Because you couldn't do that now with the political correctness, but he just smiled. Well, anyway, it was a very special night, but let's not go on and on about it. Let's just say that without our valid and loved listeners, there would be no show. So we share this award

with all of you in fact i'm gonna take a plane to it tonight and get a series of small slivers and then if you would all text in i'm gonna send out bits i remember i bought an office um box set uh be about oh probably 1971 which had a little bit of his clothing in it caught with like a crimped scissor you know, with like a jagged edge mine was a sort of mustard terry tolling I'll never know what the garment was but it was special to me

I wore it as a posing pouch for four years before it disintegrated it was the acidity you see anyway yes well this, Frank, this has been quite a week for me It was the acidity, you see. Oh, anyway. Yes. Well, Frank, this has been quite a week for me. Not only did I win a Sony Award, well, you know, part of the team.

No, you won. But I was also, I was on telly. Really? They let me on telly. I know this is mean, but I already feel depressed that we're not talking about the Sony Award. Although I'm sure... Already? I dare say we'll come back to it.

OK. It's good you we got this out of the way, not the way you came. Because on the show, by now, it would be unbearable. Play a song, some adverts. Oh, another thing about the Sony Awards. God, I don't know what I'll be like after the Archivas. No, we're not going to that. We're not going to that.

It's me and Dave. It's me and Dave. I won't stop me getting on stage, will I? No, of and Dave. I won't stop me getting on stage, will I? No, of course not. I thought you were hosting. Sorry, Gav. I was on telly, yeah, for the first ever time.

Crime Watch? Russell Howard, Good News, doing stand-up comedy. Really? You could have told me. I would have watched that. I had to put it on Facebook. You know I'm a my-face purist. Really? Well, you could have told me. I would have watched that. I had to put it on Facebook. Hang on to Facebook. You know I'm a MyFace purist. Well, you can still see it on iPlayer. But no, yeah.

I watched it. I thought you were brilliant. It was really good. I got really excited. Yeah, I say brilliant. It was good. I did look good. No, I didn't say you looked good. Oh, right. Sorry. I did not say you looked good. right sorry you did i didn't not say you looked good don't put words in uh in emily's mouth i wonder if there were people watching who knew

you from this show and hadn't seen you before well no yeah people have um have tweeted me and stuff and said it's amazing to see and hear me at the same time and they had no idea that i looked the way i do well it. That doesn't sound good. Well, it's not so true nowadays when, you know, people are in the papers and the tabloid things and all that. But when I was a kid, certainly, the first time you saw someone or you knew from the radio was often quite a shock.

I went to a live night with Dave Lee Travis, the hairy cornflake. And I remember there was a bit where he said, right, we need some volunteers on stage. And me and a couple of mates went bounding up on stage. And he said, I'll choose. He said, I decide who's on stage and who isn't. Wow.

And it was a bit of a... Of course, he now realises that he was quite wrong about that. That it's the Shelby's gods who decide who's on stage and who isn't. But because he was a bit haughty I never really liked listening to him again. And I didn't know, when he spoke of the

airy cornflake I didn't know it was the full beard thing. Because they weren't in the papers then. So there will be people who were astonished. We were at the Sony Awards last night and won Best Entertainment and that is like like that isn't it you see lots of people who you haven't seen before i saw the guy who was um who emily was talking to someone the guy don't say that's gonna be someone i was chatting up and you'll embarrass me who was i chatting to it was the person who was on jonathan ross's show, Andy. Yeah, Andy. He doesn't count. Andy, yeah. No, I had a very vivid image.

You were surprised at what he looked like? I had a very vivid image of what he looked like in my mind from his voice. It's not the same person. Who is that person I was seeing? No, it is a big thing. But that's great. I remember my first telly, I did a thing called First Exposure, it was called. Wow.

I don't like the sound of that. That does sound like crime watch. Well, it was new comedians, do you see? And I was introduced as Frank Spencer. Now, that's an awkward moment, isn't it? When you're a bit nervous first telling. Can I say, before we go any further in this conversation, let's make a pact now, none of to do a frank spencer impression let's just in case you felt

one bobbling under just no uh but it kind of um it sort of pulled the rug from under me if you know what i mean i'm not surprised yeah i thought it was that was that was Arthur Smith introducing. I don't know if you remember her. And at the end, I did a routine about sneezing. Five minutes about sneezing. It was basically around the fact that my dad used to do big sneezes. Like, you know, no hand in front of the mouth when I was a... You know, so you can feel the spray on the other side of the room. But when I met middle class people for the first time

they did that you know that and it was basically all about that culture shock a little bit of observation comedy there 10 out of 10 I loved it I remember at the end

I watched it back sometime later because I didn't have a video recorder at the time. And at the end, they laughed and they applauded. And I said, thank you, you've been very kind. And I thought, you pathetic vermin, I thought. Vermin? Yeah. Of the crowd.

No, no, of me. Yeah, I was really trying to, you know, be... That's quite a nice old-fashioned thing, though, Frank. No, it was pathetic. It's just a man's thing. And then the second time I did telly, I hosted a show, which meant, obviously, I kept coming on and going back, and the audience really tired of me about halfway through.

And to be honest, I didn't have enough material at that stage in my career, so towards the end, it was thin. It was thin gruel. And unfortunately, I was dressed as a as a ninja mutant teenage thingy turtle and uh it's bad enough to go badly but you don't want to be dressed as a cartoon character at the same time it's an awful combination why were you dressed as a because i did some material about the material about the ninjas that's the way he used to roll. Really?

Frank, how old were you, your first appearance then on TV? I think I was 56. How old were you really? I would be 30. Gareth, yours? 31. I'm 31. I was 7. I'm just saying.

Wow. What were you when you were 7? It was a play for today. Did you squeam and squeam? A play for today? Yes. That's absolutely marvellous. What, sort of black and white? It was...

No, it wasn't black and white. I'm sorry. How dare you? It was colour. I'm thinking of you in sepia. No. It was exploring social themes of the day, as they tended to. Oh, that's a rubbish title.

No, it was called Don't Be Silly, the title of the day. Don't Be Silly? Yes. Was the play. Don't Be Silly? Yes. Was it about precocious children? No. It was an attack on mental illness. What was it about? It was about a man who wasn't very nice to his wife.

Silly. OK. Yeah, he didn't treat her in a very nice way. I don't know if I should even say it. It seems a bit heavy for our show. OK. It was kind of domestic issues, if you know what I mean. Yeah.

And I played the child. Oh, you played the screaming child. How do you know I was screaming? Why do you assume I was screaming? I was a lovely child. Well, if there was horribleness going on in the domestic circumstance, I hope you weren't just sitting there smirking like the bad seed. I cried a few times.

I was very good at crying on command. Yes, well, that's how you got most of your toys. And my boyfriend. Exactly. But yeah, that was my... And I think the arrest and imprisonment of your own sister, if I remember rightly, with some trumped-up charge. That was my first

role. Shortly after that followed the gentle touch, then the Professionals. Well, it's a well-known... I find The Professionals often turn off after The Gentle Touch. Oh, my goodness me. And then there was Raising the Titanic. Yeah, never easy. You were in that.

Yes. I worked a lot. I was good. What did you, what part did you play in the Titanic? Well, it was awful. You were a penguin. Well, no, it was... On the iceberg.

It was awful. Because the drama school I was at, where we were divided, basically, into, there were the children on the bottom half of the ship. You're talking about the class system. Yes, I am. Yeah, okay. were divided basically into there were the children on the bottom half of the class yes i am and then i was the one child and i had to go in the upper deck area in a posh dress all right at the time i didn't like it because i couldn't be with my friends now i'm hugely relieved yeah i was saved they weren't saved oh you were saved well women and children first obviously so

yeah you'd have been in there you should have let someone else in the boat with you I was saved. They weren't saved. Oh, you were saved. Well, women and children first, obviously, so... Yeah. You'd have been in there. You should have let someone else in the boat with you, though. I think she'll have a couple of man servants. It's not the Titanic film you really want to be in, is it? Raise the Titanic? No. Was it, yeah, or SOS Titanic? Raise the Titanic?

I can't remember. It's the one of which Lou Grade said it would have been cheaper to raise the bloody real thing. Darling, I got paid. That's all I care about. That's great to have been in. I love these little insights. You've kept all that quiet. I had no idea that you were in all those things. A huge, huge back catalogue.

And weren't you road king, Russell Gommage? You played half a fox, I think, in... Oh, goodness. Hey, so I know what I wanted to ask you guys. Have you heard about this show called... It's Simon Cowell's new project, and I love a new Cowell project,

because everything he does is good, generally, isn't it? Is it the American X Factor? Oh, no, this is called Red or Black. Oh, yes. Do you know Red or Black? Yes, I watched the This Morning Omnibus on Saturday morning. Is it Saturday or Sunday morning? I don't know, I've never watched it.

You've never watched the This Morning Omnibus? No, I guess that was Pippi Schofield. Pippi Schofield, and not Holly Willoughby, someone else, someone from Loose Women. Is it someone Welsh that you normally hear? I didn't have the sound up, obviously. Well, I wouldn't be able to hear my own snide remarks. No, I didn't know who she was, but she seemed a perfectly nice person. Philip, I always think, could kill if it was for his career.

And has. But anyway, Ant and Dec were on. Oh, were they? Were they talking about Red or Black? They were talking about, yeah. And it's the first time it's ever struck me that Ant and Dec are getting a bit older. Yeah. Because they were talking about... They used the phrase, I don't know if I've got this right.

They said, oh, they're talking about Redmond. They said, yeah, someone sent us the sizzler. And we watched that. I think they said sizzler. And they said that's a sort of little taster of the thing which is supposed to get you excited. Oh, yeah. And an ant said, you know, that's the best one I've ever seen.

And we thought we must be involved with that. And suddenly they sounded like TV moguls. They sounded like a pair of moguls. Yeah, they shouldn't be moguls. No, and I just felt now that they're kind of astute businessmen, you know, rather than young, lovable lads. They've gone a bit Geordie Fat Cats. Well, funny you should say that,

because they had a clip of the last time they were on when they broke into the studio collecting souvenirs for Comet Relief. I don't know if you remember that prank they carried out. Oh, I laughed. And Ant picked up a big piece of cake and went, oh, I want some cake. And then he took a tiny, tiny nibble, like he thought, oh, better watch my weight. And you don't want Ant to be watching his weight. No.

But anyway, they were very excited very excited about have you heard about red or black guys i have yes it's based on roulette is that right well it is roulette essentially i think is it not not a great show for television i would have thought roulette well there's 10 stages i think which each stage will be a 50 50 something that could go either way and lots of people 50 50 something that could go either way yeah lots of people start off and then there's 10 stages and then it gets finally gradually cut down to fewer people yeah but what you should have pitched that because that is brilliant oh i think that was the sizzler and that they watched it was gareth just saying that into cambridge the darkly lit room

that would have won me over yeah what's the best sizzle i've ever seen one well if i just said and simon cowell thought of it and if you don't be in it he'll destroy you then well i don't understand the premise of the show then is someone every every week gonna say all right is it red or black it's black all right no it's red sorry mate that's all we got time that's what it is isn't it no that's what what Simon says. That's what live TV is all about. People might not even win. I know, but it's not that they won't win. It's a quiz show.

You take eggheads. There's some quiet testing questions in that. Not red or black. Is it suggesting that people are now so stupid? They probably don't have to get... What he probably does, he probably holds up a card which is either red or black and they have to identify which one it is.

It seems to be absolutely looking down on the public and regarding them as complete imbeciles. In fact, it's... It's what's made Simon Cowell such a rich man. Do we need a show that does that after Britain's Got Talent?

Well, he's stripped away all the nonsense, hasn't he? He's never just said, we're acknowledging you're idiots for some money, just come on and just point at something and we'll give you some money or we won't. I'll be the judge of that. Apparently, is it true it's taking place in Wembley Arena? Because roulette wheels are only about 22 inches in diameter.

Is it Wembley Arena? Oh, it's going about 22 inches in diameter. Is it Wembley Arena? Oh, it's going to be a bit famous and fearless. But you can't see. If you're up in the... How are you going to see that? It's going to be a really big one. It's going to be a really big one. Why do you speak so confidently about the show? You can make the sizzler. I've done research. Yeah.

In your new work, sizzler host. Imagine if that was Gareth's part-time job. Gareth Richards' brackets. Sizzler host. It might not even be sizzler. I might have got the word wrong. But who cares? It is sizzler now in our little studio. There's going to be one thing where there's two rockets, a red rocket and a black rocket, with a person attached to it. What?

Yes, and Simon says that he will be attached to the rocket. Simon Cowell will be on the... Yeah, he'll be on a rocket. He won't be on a rocket. He won't be. He'll be attached to a rocket. A little black hairdo sticking out. Or red hairdo, depending what week.

Well, no, he'll have to be the black one, and then someone, I guess, what's the name? What's the name? Sharon Osbourne can be the red one. Oh. She has red hair. You're taking it very literally, the red or black. That could just be the tip of the cannon.

It doesn't have to be the hair colour. Well, I was watching Eggheads this week, and you know my pet... Stop going on about Eggheads. It's the fourth time you've mentioned it today. No, but this, you know, one of my pet hates. A guy was asked a question, and he said, oh, a bit before my time, really. Oh, what's your worst thing?

Oh, memory confused with history. Oh, man, and on Eggheads, you know, which has got high standards, and they let it pass. Oh, man. And on eggheads, you know, which has got high standards and they let it pass. Oh, man. Oh. Get off. Get off, eggheads.

Get off. Go on. Get off. I wish that's what they'd have done. That big one with the rugby shirts and the sideburns.

Chris. What, on eggheads? Yeah. Why are you talking to us like we know? Do you not watch it? No. Is it the same people every that. Why are you talking to us like we know? Do you not watch it? No! Is it the same people every week? Why are you saying that big one with the rugby thing?

The Eggheads. They're the Eggheads. Oh, are they the same cast of characters then? No, there are a couple that sit in there. Actually, Frank, I tell her like... Judith Dimmons is an Egghead. Yes, the woman who won Millionaire. She was an Egghead. She's my Woodbushudden. If you remember when we talked about

would-but-shouldn't Sunday. Goodness. Yes, I do, but I didn't recall you mentioning her. Yeah, but I must have said that 18 months ago. Okay. Now it's would-but-couldn't. But, yeah, well, anyway, we're not talking about it. So do you think this will do well, this?

There'll be no general knowledge questions or... It says there'll be no physical challenges, though, we're not talking about... So do you think this will do well, this? There'll be no general knowledge questions or... It says there'll be no physical challenges, though, but what's the rocket, then? Well, I think it will be... I don't know. I guess it will be which one. I don't think that was in the sizzler. So that's the thought. I only know the information they've given me.

Yeah, exactly. It's all autocue. I like that it says there'll be no general knowledge questions or physical challenges, just red or black. Doesn't tell you much. I don't know. And Simon Cowell just giving away a million pounds every week, that's just because he can, isn't he? It's probably not ITV's money.

That's just the injunctions. It's probably something he's found in his gardening trousers. It's probably for tax purposes. He probably needs to shift some of it. It's his version of that moment on Family Fortunes when Les Dennis used to say, and if it's there, I'll give you the money myself. But Simon Cowell really would.

I used to love it when Les said that. It was subverting the whole quiz show idea. Oh, I loved it. The host is going to break through the system and start handing out money from his own pocket. What's going on, Les? No good will come of it. You'll be glad of that money one day, and sure enough...

Well, I look forward to seeing it. I'm actually... I've been asked to host Blind Date. What? The new Blind Date in Iran. Oh, God. Save a lot of money on screens. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.