The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - The World Of Spirits

Episode Date: April 2, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth celebrate a hat trick of Sony Nominations, they discuss Ronnie Wood as a rising star and Derek Acorah's latest encounter with the world of spirits.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, tres nominacion! I'm loving it, loving it, loving it. I'm loving it like, um, this. That was Nicole Atkins with You Come To Me. I really like that. I like it because it's called Atkins. Yeah. Oh, there's no carbs in that at all. You can

listen to that all day and not put on an ounce. Congrats. So, yes, this is Frank Skirr on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily and Gareth. I think I say that every week, don't I? Oh, yeah. It's all right, though. Frank, we've already had our lovely listeners texting and emailing us in. We love it. Your headphone's got sellotape. Yes, I have. It's all right, though. Frank, we've already had our lovely listeners texting and emailing us in. Have your headphones got sellotape?

Yes, they have. They've got sellotape. This show is nominated for the best, what is it, best entertainment show. Yeah. And one of my cohorts has got sellotape. Oh, no. I was embarrassed. I hope you wouldn't notice.

I was at school with a glass of sellotape and a patch over the eye. I have to say, I was talking to Emily before the show and I thought there's a strand of hair there that for me is the wrong side of the parting. You know when a whole chunk goes the wrong side of the parting? Is the hair out of place? There is a hair.

There were several. There was a, I'm calling it a clump. Oh, I'm going to listen to you two on hair. No, but it was, I wanted to say. You want to move it? Is that the right side of the party? And I wanted to say that, but it's a touchy subject. Yeah, don't do it again.

But no, the sellotape has taken it back to its natural home. That's great news. Oh, dear. Frank, we've had a text in talking talking about your appearance which i rather enjoy uh it's from 131 hey frank going for the franciscan monk this morning i see oh yeah this is uh i am regular listeners will know that i recently bought four hooded tops mix and match colors and i'm planning to wear them in rotation for the rest of my life. But this is the first outing

for the green. What are you thinking? It goes with my teeth. Robin Hood. There is an element to Robin Hood. What does he do in autumn? That's what we all ask ourselves. That's when Friar Tuck gets the last laugh in his brown doodah.

But yeah. We've had another text in, actually. Oh, what? The floodgates have opened. Are we getting these texts on 8-12-15? Yeah. OK. I liked it that you did that in a Derek Okora type way.

Or more of Derek Okora later. What a week he's had. This is from Colin, and it's re your show last night, which I know you don't like to talk about your show because you think it's a bit tacky promoting it. What, the television show? Yeah. Well, you know, you've got to advertise this show somehow.

Exactly. So this is from Colin. He says, Good morning, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Following on from the appearance of Night Warrior on your show this week with his power to feed the homeless sandwiches. I should point out that Night Warrior is a superhero who operates in the Salford area.

It was absolutely heartbreaking. Oh, come on. He's getting out there. They're often very poignant figure superheroes. They are, yeah. But you see him tangling with a felon. You might think differently. So Colin says if you could have a super...

Was it a felon? Was it a falafel? No, it was a falafel. I know I saw him tangling with something in the green room. Go on. Colin says, if you could have a superpower, what would it be?

Something like in a comic book or maybe something more mundane such as Gareth using a Gareth note to calm down a rioting mob. That doesn't work. I've tried that in gigs.

Not deliberately, though. It's an interesting of course speaking of someone who is nominated for an award for speech radio oh yeah then maybe

maybe I could talk about Colin first I don't know how I got the speech radio I like your speeches it must be your impression of what's his name who did the speech

Enoch Powell yeah that's right yeah yeah well consequently It must be your impression of, what's his name, who did the speech? Enoch Powell. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, okay. Yeah, well, consequently, at five to nine, I'm going to be doing the Gettysburg Address. It's only going to be two or three minutes, but it's the only way you can qualify to get the award.

Nicky Campbell, meanwhile, on Radio 2, he's actually doing the Rivers of Blood speech this morning. Look, he got the short straw. No, Chris Evans is doing that. No, Chris Evans is doing that. No, Chris Evans is doing the Neuron Bug Rallies. Oh, is he? I don't think he's up for it. Is he not? Okay, he's not up for it.

Oh, is he not? Oh, sorry. And then at about five to ten, I'll be doing Martin Luther King's I Had a Dream to close the show. That would be nice. So, you know, you've got certain obligations. You have to qualify for this whole thing we're very excited about ronnie wood that was talking about ronnie wood in a minute oh

ronnie wood oh ronnie wood all right ronnie wood i didn't know that but thanks for the tip oh i had to say it this is frank skinner on Absolute Radio. Never before in the field of human conflict has so much been owed to so many by so few. It's that that got me the best speech, that kind of work, best speech nomination. That was pulp with common people. Still sounds good. We should explain, actually. We can't.

And this thing about counselling, referring to our nominations as if everybody knows about them. But we are excited about it. It is normally the way with people who work in the entertainment industry to be very blase about when you get, you know, say, oh, it's not what it's about. It's not about awards, which is exactly what I would have been saying if I'd received no nominations, of course.

But I'm going to let you into a terrible, terrible secret, is I listened to the nominations being announced live on the internet. Did you? And I sat, because I didn't know how many I was up for, I sat with a biro and a sheet of A4 so I could write them down. How tragic. How terribly tragic.

That is tragic. I'm going to op my tragedy. OK. I'm going to op my tragedy. Wow, how are you going to do that? The next day I looked at the Chortle website, which is the big comedy website in this country. Very good, very informative.

And it said, you know, clever pun, it said Frank Skinner, head of the herd. H-E-A-R-D. Very clever. And it said Frank Skinner received two nominations for Sony. And I got my manager to phone them up to correct it.

Have I become this monster? No, you've always been the monster. Oh, yeah, I have. I've just got more umpire about it. Oh, Frank. Well, no, I think it shows you in a good light that you confess. Well, also, I think, you know, it is exciting.

Why not get excited about it? I mean, try to nominate the arm. I'm going to see Tony Hadley again. That's a bonus. Well, there you go. Who knows whose table? Ronnie Wood is nominated. My absolute fellow. Apparently he won't have a table. Because he's the

crow man. The crow man. He wants to be seated atop a gibbet in the corner of the room in sinister lighting. That's what he's set up. A gibbet. Ronnie Wood, Frank, said,

I'm really excited about it and I've set all my alarms to make sure I get there. It's 8pm! I know, but I imagine he sleeps by day, doesn't he? Oh, yeah, you're right, you're right. I've never really heard... I've only heard the trailers for Ronnie Wood's show. Vote for Ronnie Wood, by the way.

You can vote for him. He's up for the rising star He's 63 He's still rising Could you believe that I'd have thought he'd got into black hole territory Well the phone man Yeah he's

There was that trailer Remember that trailer we used to play When he says I met Jimi Hendrix On the stairs and I died And I said look after yourself That on the stairs the night he died, and I said, you know, look after yourself. Yeah, that's the effect Ronnie's advice has. But he must be out of his Jimi Hendrix anecdotes. That was a year ago.

Surely. Oh, no, no, it's sort of... You can make him up, though, you know. No, but, yeah, I met Tanita Chikoram in Clinton Cards, and she was saying, oh, Ronnie's a bit low on the anecdotes. Put a song on. We had a text last week from Julie

who gave a very good celebrity anecdote. Oh, yeah, what was that one? She said, I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town. She was trying to find somewhere for a coffee. I suggested Starbucks or Costa, but she was holding on for a Nero. Oh. I suggested Starbucks or Costa, but she was holding on for a Nero.

Ah, once again, our listeners have come good. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. God, it's a bit early for a hold of a cigarette lighter anthem, isn't it? But that was one, I think we can safely say. That was Biffy Clyro with Many of Horror. Frank, we've had a text in from someone calling herself Eagle-Eyed Ruth. Oh, I know Eagle-Eyed Ruth, I think.

Yeah, she lives quite high up in a... Carry on, I'm not going to bother. I started with it and I thought, no, I don't think this has got... It's too much effort. I thought, you know, you're going to be starting to have that earies and stuff. Oh, long talons next. Yeah, Britain's got talons. She was on that once.

Anyway, carry on. Eagle-eyed Ruth. Frank, loved the show last night. That's not this show. That's your other show. No, not the other show. You started with two rings on your right hand, then suddenly just one. Why?

Well, eagle-eyed Ruth, if you were a bit more eagle-eared, I say eagle-eared, then you would have heard, I wouldn't realise, and I used a hand buzzer at the beginning of the show to electrocute one of my guests. Not electrocute, not to death,

but just to stun him a bit. So clearly that was the ring which secured the hand buzzer to my hand. I mean, come on, Sherlock. Frank, there's another text in. It's gone crazy this morning. Hi, Frank. It's a bit cheeky to ask using this number, but is there any chance you can do a chair for me on a Thursday night in Hampstead? Well, I don't know how to mix my upholstery work

with this show, but I'll be there with it gone in pocket and some choice of materials. I've no idea what he means. OK. Do a chair for him. Yeah, 447. That's his number? Yeah.

I wish people would put their names. I don't like calling them numbers. It's like Prisoner Cell Block H. We have had one from 447 saying, sorry, I didn't put my name on it. Oh. It's, um, I don't know if I should say the name. Why? Well, it's Sean Friend of Bill. Sean

Friend of Bill. Okay, is that Friend of Bill? Is that hyphenated? No, it's Sean Friend of. Sean Friend of. Maybe it's a friend of Bill who's recently been Sean. Is that possible? So Sean Friend of Bill doesn't ring any...

No, I'm starting to think it's the wrong number. It might be the wrong number. So the idea that he knows Bill means I'm going to do a chair for him. What is it? Some sort of obscure code. I'm starting to think we might be putting stuff out for the Libyan resistance. Innocently. I'll tell you what happened to me this week.

I was leaving Westminster Cathedral on Sunday morning and a man approached me and he said, he stood alone, shook my hand and stuff, nice, and then he said, oh, I'm glad I've met you, because I'm seeing my sister this afternoon and I couldn't think of anything to talk about. So now I'll be able to talk about this. Really?

I said, well, what are you going to get out of this? What, a minute and a half tops? And he went, ha-ha. And off he went. So I thought, well, he's going to have to spin it out a bit. How's he going to do this? I suppose he'll do his usual, you know, the weather, FTSE index, recent stamp acquisitions.

And then he'll say, you guess who I saw the other day? And then there might be, say, three minutes of guessing. Yeah. With some clues, you know, former rear of the year, all that kind of stuff. And then get to it. And then maybe, what, a description of my clothes? Maybe some lies about what we talked about.

But also, it's a bit strange that that's a sister and they have no shared history that they can discuss together. I suppose they've talked up childhood. If you see your family on a regular basis, it must be difficult. I don't know.

You and our Keith seem to keep it going. Yeah, but it kind of helps with our Keith because I can talk about the stuff that he didn't mean to say to me. Because Keith phones me up, my brother, he phones me up, but he's got the putting the phone on but not the putting the phone off thing. What do you mean? So then he puts the phone down in the pub and i can and he says oh yeah he's uh he was saying that no no keith keith keith i'm

still online no i don't think you can make it on yeah he's changed a lot you know since he used to be a nice down-to-earth bloke but now he's full of himself you know all that oh he doesn't of course you'd never say that but it is a thought though I did used to have And I think I probably still do A series of fallback topics If I'm in a conversation Not just with my family but with anybody What sort of thing?

Well it always used to be the Bermuda Triangle Something which seems to have gone completely out of fashion As a casual conversation It all started for me I was in a public house and I was a little intoxicated. There was a group there, a group of, to be honest, I aspired to be part of some attractive and bright women

and some guys who were much cooler than me. And they were discussing the Bermuda Triangle and I was desperately trying to think of a name. And in my drunken haze, the only thing I could think of was that in a rather sordid magazine called Club International, I'd seen a feature entitled Three Girls from Bermuda All Show in Their Triangles. So I mentioned this.

Oh, Frank, that is so disgusting. I'm not proud of it, but I said this to them as a kind of a getting in and I found that instead of rising a place or two in their league table, I descended into relegation. Oh. So I swatted up on the Bermuda Triangle. Did you? I told the series of lies about it.

You didn't have Google back then, love. You know, it was magnetic, the Bermuda Triangle. That was the theory. Well, I need to get my info from the Barry Manilow song. Yeah. But you know the idea that planes and boats were sucked into it? And I remember telling someone that a man who was, he was grabbing a quick snack on a canoe

and the cutlery was clutched from his hands by a magnetic surge. I made that bit up. But it was... He had to eat it with his fingers. Apparently. There was no napkins. Yeah, thank God he didn't have a hand buzzer on. He'd gone overboard.

But I've gone overboard with a hand buzzer before now. So, yeah. So, that was my fallback thing. We're going to have some music. But I think it is good to have a couple of things because no matter who you are or who you're with, occasionally there's that terrible silence. It's got to be filled with something.

I'm going to fill this particular one with... What am I going to fill it with? Oh, I like this. This is one of mine. This is The Balkans with Editor V. Frank, we've had a text in from 131 Anonymous. Can I just say I like it when they put their names on, particularly in this case. I like it, but we've got to give them the option.

OK, fair enough. But 131 says, Frank, were your series of facts regarding the triangle called Bermuda Shorts? Oh, that's good. That could be. Now I'm thinking that could be like a five-minute thing on BBC Two, couldn't it? Yeah.

Me talking about Flight 19 and Barry Celeste and all that well-known... Well, no, some of those are... Yeah, the canoe is certainly we could get in. Be happy with that. So, yeah, what's your fallback? Do you have a fallback topic in conversation? I know Gareth doesn't,

for a fact. Well, you might do. Do you have one? He's happy with a vacuum. He loves the silence. Oh, he loves it. I noticed this the other night, because Gareth does the warm-up on my... Does he say anything? I spoke to you in that. You spoke to him in the warm-up.

A lot of it was mime. You spoke to him. No, you did speak to him in that, but that was stuff I imagined you'd rehearsed at home. But when we was in the green room after, when we were all sitting around chatting, I became worried that Gareth hadn't spoke for, I'd say, 45 minutes.

That's nothing. Yeah, but... Don't worry, I've soaked it all in. Well, you certainly were. Yeah, that's what we heard as well. That bar bill might go afterwards. Now, that was a bar bill. It was a fish that he caught while he was up there that he gave to me in a presentation case. I was quite pleased with it, actually.

I think it was, what was it, Gareth? Seven and a half pounds. What, the fish? The barbel, yeah. Something like that. Okay. I'll be very grateful for some suggestions of fallback talk.

Of fallback talk. Do you have anything? No. Do you never feel the need to make small talk at all? What's, could I just say the worst I've ever heard is a few years ago, there's a bloke in a cricket team. Is it me? No, it's not me.

No, it wasn't you. You don't use them at all. You eschew them. Yeah. But in a cricket team I used to play in the 90s or was it the 80s?

It'd be the 80s actually. I remember a guy, I sat with this one guy and he was, he did struggle with conversation generally and I used to get anxious for him

and I couldn't think of anything to say and eventually he said to me, so what do you think about the new one pound coin well i mean where are you gonna take it that's the trouble i couldn't see where he was gonna new one pound coin well it's not very new now no he can't use that one anymore that was an example i wasn't suggesting you try that one i mean mean, I've tried playing the LOLO music, but people... Well, yeah, I wouldn't bring that up. Some people I find...

I find it's like if I'm in a urinal and the bloke next to me has recognised me. I mean, by my face. Yeah, I don't often experience that. Do you not? No, for many reasons. You shouldn't feel the need to talk either, I don't think. No, I don't like to talk, but some people...

Do men not talk in there? Oh, God, no. Really? Not in a... Oh, the sound of silence. Never in a urinal. need to talk either i don't know i don't like to talk but some men not talking there oh god no really not in that no sound of silence never in a urinal avoid eye contact i might ask people to pass me tissue that's an absolute but that's only if i'm in tears um which i have been into it i'll anyway i'm not going to talk about time i cried at a urinal in fact I cried at a urinal. In fact, I cried at a urinal. It's the title of my new single, which will be out in May. It's a sort of gospel number. I cried at a urinal for the Lord.

I'm doing it with... I was in this... On my way in this morning, I heard an advert on Absolute Radio for the Toyota Yaris. And I thought, shouldn't that be a 17-year-old country and western star? Quite attractive, tight jeans. This is Toyota Yaris with country tears. I say country tears.

Well, one of my fallback ones I'd always recommend is spontaneous human combustion. You know this phenomenon of people bursting out? I often don't have a lighter, that's the thing. No, but it's spontaneous. Oh, I see. It comes from within people, apparently. And I've used that one a few times.

I'll tell you what, I used to, when I wanted to bring it off, you can't just bring it off, you can't just say, so, what about the old spontaneous? You can't do that, because people think, you know bring it up. You can't just say, so what about the old spontaneous? You can't do that because people think, you know, that's apropos of nothing, people think. So I used to go, God, it's a bit warm in here, isn't it? I'm probably on the verge of spontaneous human combustion.

And we were in. We were in and I was off. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, we were... We were talking about fallback topics of conversation. We were talking about the love between us all.

Do you know it? No. No. Okay. I'll bet our listeners do. Okay, let's see. Okay. Let's see.

Sorry, I got erect in my chair for some reason there. Gareth. So, spontaneous human combustion. What do you think about that? Well, I've just had a sizzle. I've had a quick sizzle of it. Just a trial of smoke. What do you mean?

As a potential topic for you, given that you have none? Oh, no, it's just filling the silence. So you do feel silences. So you can do it. We've had a text in saying maybe Gareth should use his restaurant experiences as a fallback small talk, but he may end up with some blank looks.

Blank looks. Oh, blank looks. Yeah, oh. They're on fire this morning. They're on fire. 1-3-1. 1-3-1 is on a roll. Very good. They're on fire this morning. They're on fire. One, three, one. One, three, one is on a roll. One, three, one on a roll sounds like something you might order in a rather low-rent cafe.

Do you think? Sort of place I wouldn't go. I hate it when people all say, so did you get here okay? And then you talk about how they arrived somewhere. Well, of course they got here okay. They've arrived, haven't they? What, as a fallback position? Yes, as a fallback topic.

Oh, yeah, but you've got to fill it with something. I used to use the fourth plinth, Trafalgar Square. Who would you have on the fourth plinth? I mean, come on. That's desperation. Four ponies about that. That's tragic. And why don't we eat turkey eggs?

Oh, come on. That's a very good point No, no, not having that Keep it for when we need it Text us on 81215 Actually, text us if you've got any standard fallback positions If the conversation dries up What is your topic that you fall back on? Anyway, haven't told us about your posh holiday

Oh, Morocco Oh, Frank, I loved it it oh we're up on the road to morocco um it was amazing it was amazing there was a very i stayed in a very shishi hotel i traveled over i don't know if i can say well kebabs don't go with the tone don't ruin my imagine there was plenty of kebabs don Morocco. Don't ruin my lovely holiday. Actually, they're Greek, aren't they, kebabs? Yes, this was in Morocco. Yeah, but you know.

Now, I travelled over with an airline, but I don't know if I can mention them. All I'll call them is my airline boys, because that is what they became. You travelled over with an airline? Yes. Just as well, really. No, when I say travelled with the airline, I mean, it was all...

The red carpet was out. Turn up with your passport, just get taken into a room, suddenly you're on the plane. This was all paid for by your work. Don't ask me about the details of the cost. I don't want to go in, I don't wish to go into that. No, but it makes it more exciting that you weren't paying.

Oh no, I didn't put my hand in my pocket once, except... I'm loving the competition winner element. It was a bit of a competition winner, except, Frank, we arrived at this hotel with my airline boys. I'll be talking about them a lot, you'll find. I bet they had those suitcases on wheels. Oh, yeah, they did. They were all very dashing as well. And when we got over there, this hotel was so expensive, Frank.

It was the most posh place I've ever stayed. But you weren't paying. No, but it was still expensive. And when I went to the minibar, which was the first thing I did when I got there, I won't lie, the clink started. And then I saw, I thought, oh, I'll get some of those in Tic Tacs. £11.

£11 for a packet of Tic Tacs. That is, what, orange or? No, the orange. The orange, I could accept that. Yeah, orange and green, £11 per column. That is absolutely marvellous. Half packet of Pringles, £11 per column. That is absolutely marvellous. Half packet of Pringles, £18. Wow.

£18. I could just say, we could do the whole show like this. I could read out the price list. Did you bring the price? It's something about the Tic Tac, because I can imagine being in a situation, you know when you're desperate, you know, desperate for a Pringle.

Yeah, oh yeah. But Tic Tacs, there's so much something you can take or leave. But I'll still pay 11. That's it, and I must say, isn't it lovely to be able to speak about mints? Oh yes.

Now that we've lost our soft mint sponsorship at last. I love the soft mint people for sponsoring the show, but it was like living in Soviet Russia from the point of view

of mint conversation. I remember Morrie Mint cropped up once accidentally and we all looked at each other absolutely, oh, my God, what have we said? It was terrible. That's brilliant. So, Frank, because I was in this hotel...

Can I say, I'd pay that for a Pez container. Do you remember the Pez dispensers? You used to get, like, a head. Like a head on the top. A Donald Dark, something like that. I had a collector's minimum edition David Dimbleby head on the top. Now, I would have paid 11 quid for... I think we had a Yuri Gagarin as well.

I'd pay 11 quid for a Pez dispenser if it was a really good character head on the top, an unusual one. What would be the dream head for you? Lynne Perry. Former Coronation Street Ivor Telsley is the one I would go with. If I could get me... If there's anyone out there who's got a Lynne Perry Pez dispenser, I'll go 20 quid.

OK. Sounds good to me. They reckon that a pack of Tic Tacs has about 36 Tic Tacs in, so that is 30p a Tic Tac. 11 pound pack. Have you been sitting there working it out? Oh, my God. And my new opera about the economic climate, it's called Cameron's Britain.

I do do a song called, which was was it? A tic-tac? 30p a tic-tac. Yeah, it's... 30p a tic-tac, I know, I know. It's me sitting on waste ground talking about the desolation of the economic situation. I'm still working on it. I'm still waiting for the clearance to come through from Morrissey.

I'm keen to know more about this, so it's very, very exciting. God, I've already had seven offers of Lynne Perry Pez dispensers, one with a crown finish, one a strange push-me-pull-you version with Chris Quentin's head on the other end. Things are looking up.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've had a text from Dan from Pembrokeshire. Frank just sang Within You or Without You, the Beatles' Sgt Pepper album. Shame on Emily and Gareth for not knowing.

Oh, taking it easy. I think it's probably an age thing. Although you could argue that Sgt Pepper's is something that one should do

as a sort of a... I've listened to it. It just didn't stand out. A Bermuda Triangle, that's a terrible thing isn't it people disappearing all the what else?

we've also had some texts about fallback topics on 8.12.15 favourite cheese and wine mine is a strong cheddar Paul and Aldershot favourite cheese and wine favourite cheese and wine mine is a strong cheddar

favourite cheese is a brilliant is a strong cheddar. Favourite cheese is a brilliant fallback topic. Love it. I love this even more from Andy B. Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth, the fallback topic in our house was Peter the Wild Boy, as he is buried in our churchyard, and my dad could talk about him for ages once set off. If there's anyone here who doesn't listen to Outerum, not the weekend podcast, might not know. I think we spoke about Peter the Wild on the show, didn't we?

It was a crossover. A real crossover between the two. Yeah, he was a pet. A human pet of George I, if I... Savage child. Yes, he was a savage child. Yes. He's buried in their yard. Yeah. Or their churchyard. Don't make it sound all Birmingham like

their yard. Not under the patio. It's quite a nice big piece of land, I would imagine. The churchyard. Yeah, don't make it sound all Birmingham like their yard. Not under the patio. It's quite a nice big piece of land, I would imagine. The churchyard back in the vicarage. I'd repeat the wild singing under the patio to the tune of Over the Rainbow as they buried him alive. Nice. Frank's favourite band returning to the stage

should definitely be his Fall Back talk. Oh, tremendous. Oh, tremendous. And Fall Back, because they're coming back to the tremendous. Oh, that's all, yeah. And fallback, because they're coming back to the works on 7th of November. And if you want to see them at Coco and Camden, they'll be playing on June 1st, incidentally. No, I don't. We've had a text in from Rhys.

Gareth, this might be useful for you. I work in a barber, so small talk is part of everyday life. Football is always a good fallback. Yes. Unless they have no interest. Football is a good fallback. People say to me, do you like football and i go no and ashley carl is a good fallback i don't know get a new typist for these scripts football instead of feelings that's good for men to talk about that's what they like football instead of feelings yeah that's good for men to talk about. That's what they like. Football instead of feelings. Yeah, that's what men talk about.

Football, nothing more. Well, that's rubbish. I have very, very strong feelings about football, so that doesn't make sense, does it? No, I've seen men. When they've broken up with a girlfriend, they'll just start talking about the game. They'll go, how are you, mate?

Yeah, anyway, let's move on. Yeah, but I remember me and David Baddiel were both nursing what I would call woman problems i think i don't mean that we had no i meant that we we'd had fallen yeah it was a strange and of course living together we started to uh take feminites synchronized yeah uh no but um me and the clean are all the same anyway we both had splits, difficult splits. Oh. And too much... Again, take feminine. And we watched this.

I was watching a game on the telly and it was like a Sheffield United versus Leeds. It meant nothing to us. Oh, glamour fixture. And someone hit a shot in from about 25 yards. I remember turning to Dave, his morose face, and I said, hey, Dave, we'll always have football. Oh, God. Did you hear Daisy then

in the background go, do you mean we've been playing football too much? What's going on? No, not mentally. Oh, he's very interfering. He's sticking his nose in. That's because he, you know, he's born with that.

It's because she's got a kiddie's born with that, but it's like they're in and out of each other's houses. It's because she's got a kiddie on the way and she got there first. This time round. What? What do you mean? Oh, I see. Oh, you do? I mean, he's having a kid as well. Oh, I see. I have no interest in getting Daisy pregnant, can I just say?

No, I mean... It's a very fertile show, this one. I'm starting to think... No! I'm starting to think we should stop putting clomid on those doughnuts. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. The Magnificent Fall with Clasped Hands. Oh, God, I enjoyed that. I know I play them every week, but every now and again it really does reach through to my very heart. Fallback topic, anyone? So, how were you conceived?

That's from 055. As a fallback topic, how were you conceived? That's the usual. A diagram. My parents were always talking about that it was the 70s they were quite open about things like that but do they mean do parents now wear a yeah generally

Daisy so what else what was that thing about Elizabeth Taylor you were talking about yeah she's apparently there was this thing about, what was that thing about Elizabeth Taylor you were talking about, Gail? Yes, she's, apparently there was one note that she was, there was a love note from Richard Burton. Oh, yeah, Richard Burton's love letter, yeah.

That she was buried, she never let any biographer see it and she was buried with it. So we don't even know what it said. Well, she said it sort of said that it was one last thing saying that he loved her. He said that home was always where Elizabeth was.

She had quite a lot of details, didn't she? Yeah, exactly. She might have got the cash and had it laminated. Had something filthy in it. Would have made a nice fridge magnet. Oh, yeah, that's nice. She could have done with one of those. Nice that she was buried with that, though.

I think that's quite sweet and romantic, isn't it? You see, I don't know. I don't quite get the being buried with stuff theory. Oh, don't you? Why not? I don't know, really. If it's good stuff. Yeah, or stuff to hide.

There's stuff I'd want to keep secret. My birth certificate, maybe. That's going down. Well, I believe that. Nobody knew how old Emily was. She took want to keep secret. My birth certificate, maybe. That's going down. Well, I believe that. Nobody knew how old Emily was. She took it to the grave. It's on a papyrus scroll, I believe. I don't think it's on.

Carving. I wouldn't mind being buried with all three presenters of Top Gear. I mean, provided they were still alive. Just to think that I was doing a social service. Even if you were dead, that conversation, you don't want to be listening to that. Well, they'd be the ones going, let me out of here, I'm still alive. Kicking at the, with their cowboy boots, kicking at the, imagining them in cowboy boots, jeans and a suit jacket,

kicking at the lid, trying to get out. Well, that's good. A spade, just in case, would be a good thing to be buried with. Oh, no. I don't like the sound of that. Or my pants. Or my pants. I don't want people going through my pants when I'm dead. Yeah, it's fine.

We don't want to go through your pants. I wouldn't take long. There's only three pairs. I imagine I'll have accumulated three by then. Yes. Buried with your pants. Well, that would make sure you were dead, I suppose. Spoils a mystique, doesn't it?

I wouldn't mind being buried in an enormous see-through rectangular coffin with my head sticking out the end like a big PEZ dispenser. Like a human PEZ dispenser. And hopefully I'll be like, you know those saints that don't putrefy? So when they took me out of their head,

it'd be like a shrunken me head on the head of the Pez. And then some bricks could emerge from the end, like Pezes. Yeah. And also, I'd be worried about, if you get buried with expensive stuff, like, you know, gold rings and that, you might get the grave robbers.

Yeah, you'll be all right, Gav. But, you know, with the current economic climate you might get the grave robbers. Yeah, you'll be all right, Gav. But, you know, with the current economic climate, I might want to be buried with a large boxing glove on a spring to ward off grave robbers. I'll tell you what, what about this for a commercial radio phone-in? What would you like to be buried with? You can text us on 81215. Oh, I love it.

We've had some texts in, Frank. What about what they'd like to be buried with? Yeah. Lovely. I would like to be buried in a full suit of armour just to confuse archaeologists in a thousand years' time. Brilliant. That's from 788.

Ruthie. Oh, spectacular. Ruthie said I want to be buried with my glasses on. You never know. That's true. What? What are you... You know, in case you need to be able to see in the spirit world.

Oh. In the world. In the world to see in the spirit world. Oh. In the world. In the world of spirits. He was in the news this week. Oh, yeah. Was he ever? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Okora. Yeah, Derek Okora was, he was in Coventry, I believe.

Up in Coventry this week, Derek. Or is he down? Does he live in, I imagine he lives somewhere in Up in Coventry this week, Eric. Or is he down? Does he live in... I'm imagining he lives somewhere in Berkshire in a nice house. But I don't think he's still in the pool. No, near sort of Paul Daniels or something, Eric. Yeah, well, they're in a very similar line of work, aren't they? What was he up to then this time, Akora?

Was it an exorcism? Yeah, there's a poltergeist in Coventry. Oh, yeah. It had pushed a dog down the stairs in somebody's... Obviously, it's not for sure, darling, but for everyone else, it's hilarious. Have you ever tried pushing a dog down stairs? I haven't.

Because of their low centre of gravity. Yeah. It's quite hard because whichever way you push them, the other leg takes the main strain. You end up having to basically throw them. But I haven't done it. I just read about it. It was one of my fallback conversations. Not even when Shep ate through your eiderdown?

No, even then. Really? No, he's actually leapt the stairs as I pursued it. Oh, Shep, where is he now? Well, nowhere he is. He's under the apple tree in our house. You know this, my dad buried him under the apple tree because he said it improves the flavour of the fruit.

Absolutely true. So Derek... Yeah, he detected that it was a man called Jim who had been not fully passed into the spirit world. Oh, one of those. Yes, there's an a man called Jim who had been, not entered into, fully passed into the spirit world. Oh, one of those. Yes. There's an angry spirit called Jim who died around 1900

and he may have lived at this spot or farmed the land there. Oh, okay. You know, just in case the house wasn't built yet. Yeah, exactly. In case there wasn't a house. Oh, Derek,

he's got a million and one coverall remarks. I saw the, they had the VT of it on the internet, I believe it's called. Capital I, I learnt recently. No idea. And with him saying, yes, I've been inside the property. And I love that he called it the property.

Like, I'm a bit technical. Don't think I'm just messing about. You know, I refer to it as the property if there's any clothing in there I will call it a garment without any hesitation he doesn't get his name right though he goes we ask upon you dear lord Jim James

Jim James rid yourself no I think what he was doing there he's just checking what he's known as in the spirit world, in case there's any confusion. Oh, I understand. When he says, can you get into Jim? And they go, Jim, who is Jim? Yeah.

No one even tumbles that James is also Jim. Again, he's giving them an option. Yeah. Frank, why does he get so formal with the angels? We ask you, angels, if you could give us any more information, I'd be very much obliged. Thank you. You don't want to be rude to an angel.

It's so formal, Frank. That is a man who receives a lot of handwritten letters from the elderly. Anyone who's familiar with the phrase much obliged can be the only explanation. I bet he also says thank you, driver, when he gets off the bus. It said in the son that at one point he put his crystals on the windowsill.

I bet he had to stand on tiptoes. Well, after he left, he said this portal will be sealed for all time. Is that what he said? Yeah, that's what he said. The portal. He then called the house a portal. Oh, man. I love Okora.

I mean, I think he's a complete charlatan in every aspect. But there is... I love the fact that his Oscosa makes it better. I was talking to Ross Noble about this the other night, and he says... It might have been Kate... Name dropping, let's know tomorrow. Terrible name dropping.

Did I ever tell you about the worst name dropping I ever had in my life no what was it i was having uh i was gonna do to have singing lessons can you believe this yeah uh it was a gift and uh not not my voice the uh no certainly not your voice and i was being taught by a woman called uh tona de brett you could imagine did she say much obliged i bet she did but she was married she was very good do come in how lovely to see you and she was like that and someone says she's a lovely woman but she's the biggest name dropper you will ever meet in your life oh do you not met me

then and I got to the house and I knocked on the door and there was a bit of a struggle to open the door and she said oh I'm terribly sorry this door's never been the same since Benny Hill used it for a sketch I thought I haven't got in yet let Let me get in before you start name dropping.

But where did we get that from? I think it was Katie Brown. So she always imagines Derek outside the TV studios with a silk cot saying, it's going alright, you know, going alright at the moment with the spirit we had, you know, but we'll see.

I just need a breather, get cleansed, and then straight back in. Oh, Derek. But if you've got a poltergeist, obviously, it's no joke. He's your man. You've got one in your property. Your portal. Yeah. He'll cleanse your portal.

Yeah. He seals your portal for you. He can cleanse my portal any time that he likes. I think he uses a sort of heavy-duty dental floss. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Oh, by the way, I've been driving Gareth and Emily crazy with my quiz, my During the Songs quiz for this week and I thought, to such an extent I've decided to share it with you guys because they can't get it.

We've made some good guesses. Oh, you've made some fabulous guesses. I bet they get it so quickly. Obviously there's more of them. So this is... They haven't got long. It's a voice from a film, right? A voice, a quote and a voice from a film.

Here we go. Haven't you got a mother or a father? There you go. You can text us on 81215. And it's not something with Derek Okora in it. That's what we first thought. No. I don't think he's done any major feature film.

Oh, I'd love it if he did. I'd love a core end film. He wasn't even in The Exorcist. Incredible, really. That would have been, I would have liked that. Well, they haven't texted in yet. We'll keep our eye on it and keep you posted. Yeah, OK.

So, Top of the Pops. It's back. It's coming back, apparently. It's not really back, is it? Well, they're repeating it, are they? They're repeating them from what year is it? I think it's 1976. Yeah, the BBC are going to put out a whole year of Top of the Popsies.

514 Jungle Book? Jungle Book is correct. Oh! It's the vultures in Jungle Book who are basically based on the Beatles, and they say to Mowgli. Thank you, 514. Yeah, well done. Brilliant.

They're back to your cell. So, are you sort of nostalgic about Top of the Pops? People seem to be in a massive way. Well, yeah, because I actually went to the Top of the Pops studio once. Oh, you had to tromp everybody. You couldn't just say, yeah, I was watching it on telly once. No, I couldn't. That'd be so ridiculous. Oh, OK.

Because my dad was working for the BBC at the time. So I got to go down there. But I was really excited. I thought, oh, brilliant. I'll get to see someone really cool like the Thompson twins. And it was some man called Geoffrey Osborne, I think his name was, in the cable knit jumper singing On the Wings of Love. Oh, God, I don't remember that.

Geoffrey Osborne. Yeah. It wasn't very good. But everyone looked very old in the audience as well. Was he the Assistant Health Secretary? No. Geoffrey Osborne, he's passed me by. There you go.

And that was it. But there must have been other people on. Yeah, but it wasn't anyone very good. It wasn't a memorable week. Were you one of those people who sort of danced in the background? I might have been. Oh, who hosted it when you went down? Do you know, oh, who's that man called? He had a

mole-y thing here. He had a mole on his face. Was he with you in Morocco? It's not Morocco Mole, the assistant of Secret Squirrel. Oh, Simon Mayo. Oh, that. Don't ever bring up the mole. Okay, I'm sorry.

That's a radio law. Okay, I'm sorry. Okay. That's a radio law. Okay, I'm sorry. Oof. What about you, Gareth? Can you top actually going down to top of the pops? My thing that used to confuse me about Top of the Pops, they loved having the presenter in the audience

at the start to make it feel all exciting. So you'd have, and you'd like wait to see who the presenter was each time and they'd have them at the microphone. And they'd come on and be like John Fashioner or someone. And you're like, wow. But then the camera it didn't introduce the actor.

Better watch the elbows if you're in the crowd with John Fashioner at your side. The camera would fly over the audience to the band and you thought, oh the presenter's got the worst viewing of anyone. They didn't even. They wouldn't be able to see anything. You didn't realise how blasé presenters can be. I loved it when Edmonds did it.

I had a little bit of a crush on it when he did it. I loved him. Well, anyway, I don't want to top Emily's story, but I was actually on top of the pops. Oh, God. In fact, as I left the stage, we did three lines on top of the pops. As I left the stage, a voice said to me,

I love your French horn, which obviously took me back somewhat. And it was Celine Dion. It wasn't. It was, yeah. Because I'd mimed playing the French horn in that thing. Really? And Celine Dion.

I saw her in make-up later. And the woman who does her face make-up, her face is so long, Celine Dion. Oh yeah the moment the woman who did her face makeup had to abseil yeah the rope um tied at the top of the head she was so nice about your french horn i love celine dion um do we have to do all our plugs now and all that yeah we do i should say can i also say probably my biggest top of the pops memory is um when reggie and fern were presenting and i reached across my hospital room with a french stick trying to turn off my life support machine anyway um not the weekend podcast will be available for download on um on wednesday and um ben jones is next I think that's

I've read all the notes on my table what do I do now do I play Don't Stand So Close to me I can't believe it but that's exactly

what I'm going to play it's been the usual joy and thank you so much for listening I love you all we only have this X-Sense

this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio