The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner - Too Old For Dream School

Episode Date: March 5, 2011

Frank, Emily and Gareth talk about Jamie's Dream School and the things that they're too old for.

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I'm with Emily and Gareth. Hello. It's Saturday. Well, that was Emily who said that. Yeah. The op went well. Frank, we've had a text in. Text already?

Yeah. On at 12.15? Hurrah! Morning, Frank and gang. What's this I hear that you're on for two hours? How are you going to cope, Munchie? Well, we're on for two hours. Well, I don't know where to begin with this text, Munchie. We're on for two hours how are you going to cope munchie well we're on i don't know where to begin with this we're on for two hours every week yeah exactly that doesn't mean

that we know how we're going to cope but uh well is that munchie's a funny old name though yes sounds like someone who might have had the munchies for most of the early hours of the morning but yeah we know we're on for two hours every every morning, Monty. Silly. And Gary Monia. Gary Monia, that's what you are. Well, that's very good, because he's talking about you ask people to make a song with their name in. Oh, yeah. And he's come in with,

my name fits perfectly in the song, what's that coming over the hill? It's Gary Monia. It's Gary Monia. Oh, I see. That's good Monia. Oh, I see. Yeah, that's good. Well, imagine the elation when Gary Monia discovered that for the first time. I'd like to have been there to have seen his little face.

You know that mole he's got there just above the... I bet that just twitched a bit. That's great. See, I went for Gary Monia to the tune of Unforgettable by Nat King Cole. Anyway, that's this morning's phoning. Songs that fit Gary Monier's name most appropriately. How do you spell Monier? M-O-N-N-I-E-R.

Yeah, OK. Someone's also had a bizarre eureka moment. Oh. Yes. Jack from Eastbourne. He says that... Bizarre rather than stupid. Yeah.

Idiotic. Idiotic is what we usually say. Idiotic eureka moment. Yeah. In case any new listeners start here, this is the idea that you... Something for years that you haven't got and you suddenly get it.

The classic example was I used to watch the BT adverts idea that you something for years that you haven't got and you suddenly get it like for the classic example was i used to watch the bt adverts and the fact that the woman was called bt never struck me that that was a pun on bt for about five years so it's like that yeah and i didn't realize until you first said that you had never realized that until and but he says that he says to avoid swearing he says fiddlesticks and then it dawned on him that fiddlesticks is probably talking about like the bow you use for a violin yeah there's a fit there's a fiddlestick yeah hmm yeah and uh i had one this morning actually but that's my business oh i know i, I had an idiotic eureka moment

when I was looking in the papers. Actually, it wasn't. It reminded me of an idiotic... There was a feature, and if anyone who's read today's tabloids will have seen this, Eric Clapton is photographed in a... In a laundrette?

In a laundrette, yeah. Oh, I didn't like those pictures. Yeah, I know what you mean, but I think he just... Why would he be in a laundry eric clapton he looked all caught unawares with his smalls i didn't like it some sort of crime yeah oh no laundering the evidence how do you think that well wiping blood off the oh no that old one they always do i'm sorry to hear that it's come to this i think he had a full length leather as

well like ron atkinson i didn't like his clothes I think he had a full-length leather as well, like Ron Atkinson. I didn't like his clothes. Anyway. Did he have a full-length leather? I think he had an Atkinson full-length leather. Oh, I was a bit Matrixian. Brr, Matrix. That's my new rule for all our listeners. If you see anyone in a full-length leather coat,

you have to go, brr, Matrix, immediately, right? Especially if they're really fashionable people and so go on so Eric Clapton yeah so it said

slow hand wash was the headline because he's known as old slow hand Eric Clapton yeah that's his nickname oh okay

and I always assumed that that was to do with his guitar technique that he was so you know he was so effortless. But, um, actually, I say this as a

Eureka, in fact, he told me that it actually comes from... Like a celebrity idiotic Eureka. Yeah, that it was his nickname, Slow Hand, because Slow Hand Clapton. Oh. Slow Hand Clapton. Oh, I get it.

Do you see? Slow hand clap-ton. Oh. Slow hand clap-ton. Oh, I get it. Slow hand clap-ton. Do you see? Yeah. Very good. We've had a brilliant text from Phil. Well, you put the pressure on Phil. I know. And he's, well, I'm going to have to sing it.

And he said, when I was 17, it was a Gary Monier. I can't believe it. That's absolutely marvellous. Congratulations, Phil. You're a top man. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Yeah, that was R.E.M., Orange Crush, and Dave Gorman, someone who was just saying he's going to interview Michael Stipe on his Absolute Radio show. Is that correct? Oh, is he? Oh. That's good. Brilliant.

I've interviewed him. Can I point that out? Wow, I would be nervous interviewing him. Why? He just seems a bit... Frail. I thought he could go at any moment. Yeah.

I thought I won't startle him. That's a secret. No, he was lovely. He told me a story. I think it was to do with his dog. I remember there was a fence which he described as yay high, as he signified it with his hand, how high it was. And I think it was a dog getting his stomach

ripped off, or something of that nature. It's a lovely story. It couldn't have been that, could it? I don't think he's not that kind of a character. He's very peace-loving, you know, shiny people thingy. No, where's that horrible blue eye make-up? I don't like it. I don't like the black swan.

My girlfriend, Kath, was saying that she now judges people completely on whether or not... This is her new rule of thumb for whether to write human beings off or not. Anyone who likes black swan, she knows that there is no worth in them at all. I'm going to not watch that film. It's all right to watch it, just make sure you don't like it. So there I was driving over Tailbridge. Oh, yeah.

And, you know, when you're driving along and the police, you can see the blue light in the background. Don't I ever know that. And you think I'll have to pull, you know, I'll pull over. Some people, they keep going. I don't know what it is with some. They don't seem to notice. I pulled right over into the gutter.

And the police, they pulled over as well, behind me. And I thought, who's coming through if the police are pulling over with a blue light? It must be Simon Cowell. I can't think of anyone else who the whole of London would move out the way for. Turned out, I'd been pulled over. Now, this hasn't happened to me for many years. And I must say, I felt a little bit G, if you know what I'm saying. A bit G, a bit gangster.

Oh, OK. Yeah. Were you on your own in the car? No, no, I wasn't at all on my own. I think some of you may know that currently I live with my girlfriend, but her sister is staying with us as well. So they were both in the car with me. In fact, her sister, Rachel, came...

When I was talking to the police, she came over, she said, to lighten the mood. And he said... I said, I must admit, when I saw you, I thought I had to get out of the way, and she said, well, I'm surprised you saw them, because you're more or less blind, aren't you? And I thought, no, this is like when at an airport,

people say, oh, I just got the bombing. No jokes. It's like that. You don't do jokes with the police. Can I ask, why were you pulled over, Frank? You know, they have to give you a reason. Well, apparently it was because I represent British television, and they're still angry about the bill being brought.

They were livid about it. Yeah. They did the walk for me as well. I had to play... On a harmonium while they walked up and down Tower Bridge. I mean, the only... No, apparently I was driving more quickly than one is supposed to. Oh, were you?

But it was opening. I had to get over the gap. So what did they do? Did they just talk to you then and tell you off? No, they actually breathalysed me. Can you believe that? A man of your caliber. He said to me, have you been drinking?

And I said, I can tell you now. Officer. Yeah, I haven't had a drink since September 24th, 1986. And he just looked at me in disbelief. And I thought, I've never been more confident of passing a test in my life than I was of passing this one. But then having said that, because he got it out, and it looked like it wasn't a bag.

I was expecting, the last time I got breathalysed it was a plastic bag. It looked like an iPhone. Yeah, it's like a little credit card machine. That has happened to me, I have to say. I was clean, I was clean. Did you hand it back to the merchant? There was like an enormous sort of eastern man in a turban and silk and clothes selling spices. I had to give it back to him.

I hate it when that happens. No, it was like an iPhone with a tube on it. I thought it was going to be, you know that, is it the clavichord app? When you go, ooh, ooh, ooh. I thought it was going to go like that. It didn't. And also, he said you took a really big breath and let all your air, all your air out your lungs.

And towards the end, I thought I could go down here. If I fall, are they ever going to believe that I was... Don't ask Michael Stipe to do that. We'll finish him right off. Exactly. You got it, mister. So, um, there was a tiny grain of doubt that I might

fail the breathalyser, even though I haven't had a drink since then. Why is that? I had that and haven't been drinking, and I thought that. I think it's because I've... Even though I haven't had a drink since. Why is that? I had that and I haven't been drinking and I thought that. I think it's because I've, even though I haven't had a drink since then, I've never felt fully sober since. Okay. You might have had a liqueur, chocolate liqueur. I thought it might have been, you know, it lodges.

I remember someone telling me once that they'd gone on some diet when you had to eat, like, sand or something like that and it scratches all the stuff off your intestines. And she said like big lumps, it looked like a tube off one of those, you know a Henry vacuum cleaner? The other tube on that. It looked like that and what it was,

it was like the hard inner lining that had formed on her intestine over the years from just food that had sat there and gone hard like plastic. Any other intestine stories? Texting? Yeah, that's it. I'm looking for intestinal anecdotes. Intestinal anecdotes could easily be the name of the lead singer of some eastern band.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Oh, thank you. You were breathalysed then, the drama. Anyway, the great news is I passed. Well done. Good, you're clean. And it all ended very, with them saying stuff like,

so where are you off to tonight and all that. I love it when the police get all community. Yeah. And it was, it was smashing. And, you know, we got back in the car and off we went, the three of us, to a party. And we laughed. Oh, what an adventure we've had there, we said to ourselves. And do you know, they let me keep the little tube as a souvenir.

Yeah. And that's this week's prize. Wow. Smashing. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro. We've seen them live. We have, yeah.

I'm just saying. I remember when they were on the cover of The Beaner every week. That was before The Beaner. The Gary Monio texts are flooding in. Are they? Yeah. We should say that this morning's phone-in, That was before the beer. The Gary Monier texts are flooding in. Are they? Yeah. We should say that this morning's phone in,

Don't Ask Me How, is well-known songs that fit Gary Monier's name. Yeah. Who's Gary Monier, you're wondering? It's just some bloke who texted in. He was the lucky one. We have got loads, Gareth, haven't we? We've had some lovely ones.

We've got... Nick says that Garyry Monia has the same number of syllables and the same intonation as the word California. So... Oh, I know where he's going with this. We all could be Garry Monia. Garry Monia, here I come. Right back where I started. That's the first Al Jolson we've had done.

Oh, no, it's on Absolute 20s Yeah Gary Monia Gary Monia From the OC Don't know Mental old man Now you're just

Saying the name Nick in pool Hiya Frank How about the Flying Lizards 80s classic Monia That's what I want

I want my Monia I'm not going to singnoo-noo-noo-noo. I want my Mollier. Yes, I'm not going to sing it. We know, we know. We know, we know. And we've had some other people. It's not just about, it's not all about Gary Mollier. Oh, no, let's not get away. I mean, I think people already hate him.

Yeah, exactly. There's more to life than Mollier. Mollier? I think there's more to life than Mollier was the original Absolute Radio slogan. And people said, oh, is it too obscure, do you think? No, it'll be fine. We've had a text in from Ross Hanna.

Absolute Radio, there's more to life than Mollier. I don't know if you can guess where this is going. The text is from Ross Hanna. Try singing my name to Toto's Rosanna. It fits perfectly. I was tormented at school for ages when the song was first released i remember that song remember that frank no ross hannah ross hannah oh yeah yeah there you go they got a dog to sing that on there mark robbins frank at work they used to sing he's not heavy he's mark robbins the hollies that doesn't even work does this mean this either means that mark robbins is large person or a very very thin person

doesn't it it's gonna mean or perhaps he's not very profound in his conversation yeah he's like he's generally like yeah exactly he's a light he keeps it light mark it's not mark robbins used to play for Manchester United. Who knows? Can I say I cried this week? Oh, yeah? I don't. I mean, I do cry at the telly quite a lot. I've never cried at Ralph Harris before.

Really? I was in a room once, I think, and I think it was just the fumes from the felt pen he was using. But generally speaking, I would never cry did you not see Animal Hospital he cried a lot in that we're all rooting for you pap is what you refer to I don't know if I've ever told you before

but one of my most disappointing experiences was tuning into Animal Hospital thinking it was going to be major operations conducted by animals I thought there would be an Alsatian with a scalpel and gaffer type to one paw so roughly cutting a serrated cut into somebody I thought there would be an Alsatian with a scalpel and gaffer-type to one paw.

So roughly cutting a serrated cut into somebody and like a squirrel passing him a swab. Whatever a swab is, something that used to make Popeye very angry. Yes, swabs! I hope they're doing the ops on humans. That makes an added element of danger, which I enjoy. Oh, of course on humans. Oh, good, good. If the whole course on humans. I mean, the whole thing could have been... If the whole thing had been animals,

then, you know, what have you got to lose? If the Alsatian, you know, if the Kestrel doesn't pull through, so be it. That's my motto. It's up there with this mortal life, the Moliere, I think. So anyway, I mean, we can't just sit

here talking nonsense. So you cried this week. Did you lose more money? No. OK. I'm just asking. I watched Jamie's Dream School. Oh, yeah.

Which some of you may not know, though the publicity for it has been enormous. Jamie Oliver has had this idea of people who have slipped through the system, as it were. We can't say failed apparently people who left school with not many qualifications be like myself i left with two o levels um art and english language the only tea you don't have to revise for coincidentally uh it's kids like like like that well they were nothing like me as can i make that clear okay um but they got celebrity

teachers in who were very very good and passionate um so that's the story and their art teacher was rolf harris i mean how brilliant would that be if and um they broke him they completely broke rolf this is a bloke who can sing two little boys without crying but at at the end of that, he was... At the end of the lesson, he said, Well, I don't know. Because he can't speak without... Yeah.

Apparently, he has to breathe through a didgeridoo now most of the time as he's got to that sort of age. But, no, he was absolutely... They just hadn't listened to him. I know. And it was wrong. And I'll tell you what was the thing that I honestly made tears run down my cheek. I cried out the whole thing.

Yeah, but get this. I don't know if you noticed this, but this killed me, right? In the background, as Rolf was talking, you could see a painting, right? And obviously, I only show you tiny bits of the lesson, so we'd miss this bit. And it was a brilliant sort of parody of a Banksy you know Banksy the graffiti artist it was a brilliant sort of Banksy thing I mean fantastic

obviously done by Rolf and thinking or if I do something Banksy-esque the kids will know I'm communicating and I'm on their wavelength and he'd signed it underneath. Rolfsy. Oh, Rolfsy!

It was so... I've got to start my asthma. Anyway, when I was a young man, I was a very, very big fan of a band called X-Ray Specs. The lead singer was called Polly Styrene. Well, what happened to Polly Styrene, some of our older listeners are asking. This is her new single. You're listening to Frank

Skinner on Absolute Radio. The softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by Tree Boss Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Loving it. That was Virtual Boyfriend by Polly Styron. She was the first woman I ever saw that made a tooth brace look sexy.

Oh, really? The first woman you saw. First woman I saw who did that. Because now it's the norm, isn't it? Oh, I see what you mean, yeah. Yeah, it's quite in vogue. Yeah, she pioneered that, did Polly. Hmm.

Saw them at Barbarella's once in Birmingham. The bass player just got one string on his bass, I remember. What was Barbarella's in Birmingham? Was that like Stringy's? It was a punk club. It was nothing like Stringy's. Oh, damn! So, you're talking about Jamie Frank?

Oh, yeah, the Jamie Oliver. Now, I like Jamie Oliver. He's great, you know, he's talking about Jamie Frank? Oh, yeah, the Jamie Oliver. Now, I like Jamie Oliver. He's great, you know, he's the man, right? The man with the midas touch. And, yeah, see, a lot of people think that's Midas in the song. A lot of people think that's Monnier. Yeah, they think it's the Midas touch. But the next line shows that it's

actually the midas touch oh is it because the next line says not too near the belt nor too near the crutch and you realize it's the midas touch oh so it's a man goldfinger obviously they have to put up with a certain amount of sexual harassment from him, but at least his fondling is localised. That's the point that Shirley Bassey was making. Anyway, let's not go all Sky Sports 1 or 2. No. So, yeah, Jamie Oliver, who I really like, he's got the school going,

but the big thing was David Starkey, the history bloke. Yeah, he did a bad murder. He did. He did himself a bad murder. He's all in trouble, isn't he now? He called the kid fat. Well, he said, oh, you're so fat, you probably couldn't move. And the kid said, well, what about you?

The kid said. He said, what about you? He said... You're four foot tall. He said, what about you? Look at your glasses. You said that to Gareth this morning. What does that mean? Does that slow you down?

How big are the glasses? Or are they plugged in to stop him? And also, I don't know about you, but I find if I look at my glasses while I'm wearing them, I get all like a headache underneath underneath my eyebrows underneath my eyebrows yeah so that was the silly he also said and how tall are you i'm not being rude mate but how tall are you i love that as a no well he was biting back yeah he was um but i mean i obviously i think you shouldn't be able to tell kids that they're fat nowadays no one could argue that

that kid will be so upset he'll go away and die. And David Starkey maybe put 10 years on his life. Yeah. Because he'll be healthier. What about that for an argument? Hello? Maybe. David Starkey also said at one point, he said,

if you do a job where someone tells you what to do, you don't want to do that kind of job. Well, that doesn't say much for us, does it? Any of us. We've got Absolute telling us what to do. Well, they're very mild they've never called us fat ever not me anyway no but the the one who the bloke in it that got me was the headmaster oh yeah right he really got on my nerves because he was one of these there was a shot of him watching um if you didn't see this i know it's probably um tedious so we'll move on in a minute

but trust me he's watching David Starkey calling the kid fat and stuff and he's sort of going oh no and holding his forehead oh god and I felt so acting that I know what they want these TV people they want to see me outraged

and his name is John Dabrow so to get on with the kids he's And his name is John Dabrow. Oh. So, you know, to get on with the kids, he's obviously changed his name to Dabrow. Hey, I'm Dabrow. Right? And that's what he was like. He was totally, you know, all the kids.

It's too close to Dabrow. It's all right. They talk all the time and text and don't listen and swear and stuff. That's fine. I don't like it when they text. That's very rude, isn't it? I can't believe it. they text that's very rude isn't it no i believe it what do you think well my friend my friend's a teacher and he says the headmaster is a very he's a well-known i don't like where this is going he's a very good teacher that man okay

what the bro is yeah he's famous he's good he's. I hated him. I'll go as far as to say I hated him. I'm not sure that Jamie solved the problem of our education system because I'm not sure there's enough celebrities to teach all of the children. That's what I'm worried about. Well, you should just send them to Celebrity High. Brackets. Principal Kerry Coteau in a closed bracket. And there they will find all they need

to discover about life. I think comics should do... I think they should have comics class because then you're used to dealing with hecklers. So you'd soon shut them up, you guys. Surely. Well, he asked me to go in there and do performance skills

and then he poo-pooed my backpack flamethrower idea. I thought, well, I wouldn't have to do a whole lot of them, just one. Just four or five of them as, you know, human fireballs. And the others, I think, would have calmed down. They just, you know, God bless the kids, they're kids

and they don't know any better. But I did feel, well, you might as well just move them into council flats on their own now, give them the heroin and say, that's it you're not listening you're just not listening you're not listening so what difference does it make and they'd say what do you say i'd say you're not listening hey sorry i was texting i was just trying to that's what i thought i think i prefer jamie's dream school i did to the heroin idea

can i just say that? Yeah, but, you know, we're running out of ideas now for the series. We've got to... This one, it's not Channel 4 knocked it back. It's on Dave. Frank Skinner's heroin school. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Yeah, but roll, Farrah. It's unacceptable. Well, talking of unacceptable... Yeah. Unacceptable, that's, Faris. It's unacceptable. Well, talking of unacceptable... Yeah? Unacceptable, it's what you are. Tony in Cambridge. After Frank's Galeano-inspired remarks about heroin school in Council Flats... Oh, dear.

Can I just say, I enjoyed your last ever broadcast. Oh, no, is that it? Looking forward to Gareth's Saturday morning show. Will Miss Frank's music choices, though? Gutted, Tony in Cambridge. I was thinking, do you remember Mr Bronson that used to be on Grand Chill? I remember him very well. Well, they should have sent to the kids at James School,

and we've got Mr Bronson to teach. Then it could be Charles Bronson, the prisoner, the bald head. And he'd have come in in and I think he might have got a bit more discipline what do you say? he is of course in case you don't know Charles Bronson

he is friend of the show he's our friend of the show he is our friend Emily is our friend we like him very much in case he gets out that was fiend of the show

carry on Ian in Hitchin Frank says Ian his lot? no well maybe the wrinkled thorn? Frank I'm not sure if you know but other absolute Ian in Hitchin, Frank, says... Ian Hislop? No. Well, maybe. The Wrinkle Thumb? Frank, I'm not sure if you know,

but they're absolute don't-call-you-fat. They do call you ugly roughly every 15 minutes throughout the week. That is true. Faces for radio. Well, that's true. Why should you get affronted like that kid in the... Yeah, well, yeah. Call me ugly.

What about your playlist? All right, go on. put them in their place. Vicky Blight said you weren't a stud muffin as well before the show today. Did she? Did she? Outrageous. Take me back to dear old Blighty.

I've also taken to calling our newsreader Sandy Warhol instead of Sandy Warhol. I don't know where that came from, but I forgot. I got mixed up and I was saying, is Sandy Warhol doing the... and I thought, no, that's incorrect. It's not her real name. Frank, you know you played Virtual Boyfriend before? Yes. We had a text in from Nigel Wilcox. That's not a

computer game in case you weren't aware. It's just a song. Yeah, a computer game that I play it is. Frank, you said... You said, what happened to polyethylene? I thought you Yeah, a computer game that I play it is. Frank, you said... Things get any worse. You said, what happened to polyethylene? I thought she became a rapper. I think he means polystyrene.

He does, but what he's done, he's thought, well, polystyrene isn't actually a rapper, so I'll make it sound a bit like polythene. But no, that's good that she became a rapper. Very good. I'm happy with it. Yeah. She's packing.

How about that? We've actually had a text in from Gary Monier here as well. Oh, him? Yeah. He says, I'm sat on the bus laughing out loud, looking like a right weirdo while listening to your show. This is the best radio programme ever. Thanks.

Well, it would be, really. It would be if your name's all over it like a rash. And that's why this is my favourite radio programme, basically. OK, I might get called ugly at intervals in it, but who cares? Oh, I could listen to me all day. I know you couldn't, Jeff, or go to work. Sorry, I just... Sometimes in my headphones I hear the actual absolute listeners

coming through from... through their... Apparently, Frank, there's another text in saying hi frank the time is that bad that you have to do voiceovers for being cute trade point there is a guy on there who says these got to be eight by four sounds just like you that's from martin well you're not doing that are you no i'm not i'm not doing that no okay i don't really you know i did that tesco advert once. Did you? Yeah. And I heard myself, I was in the house, I heard myself say a little helps. How did you feel?

Well, I tried to kill myself. Sorry to laugh at that news. Yeah. I think that it was one of those where the last bit of the centres would be and then turn the gun on himself. That's what I thought after I heard that. Anyway, we must go now.

Oh my God, Sandy War. Hole. No, don't. Okay. Oh my God, Sandy War. No, don't. Okay. You get me saying it. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Thursday? Was it Thursday?

World Book Day? Hold on, are you going to ask me quizzes about your life? With no hint. Was it Thursday? When? No, what was Thursday? Well, this Thursday. Last? No, what was Thursday? When? Well, this Thursday, last Thursday. Oh, last Thursday, yeah.

Was it what? Was it World Book Day? I think so. It was World... I tell you I know it was World Book Day. Because, have you seen that TV programme with Anne Robinson? Oh, Anne Robinson. Oh, yeah.

I saw Sarah Millican and Larry Lamb, was it? Is he the guy from Gavin and Stacey? Oh, I didn't see that. What was that like? No, Larry Lamb, wasn't he in EastEnders? Yeah, and Gavin and Stacey. Oh, he gets a lot of work, Lamb. Too hot for Lamb some say, but he gets a lot of work. Very hot at the moment. Well, he picked his five favourite books of all time. Oh, yeah? What were they? Well, one of them was a book by Barack Obama. Oh. Which is very keen.

He said I've read all of Barack Obama's books in order. In order. So he hasn't just read them, he's done a bit of research. He hasn't just took one off the shelf. He's read the back bit and thought, well, this is the first one. And I imagine Obama was sweating when he saw the review coming up.

He would have been watching, and I bet he got really nervous. But big thumbs up from Larry Lamb. Larry Lamb. Larry Chronological Lamb, as his friends call him. Anyway, so Larry Lamb, he picks his books.

And he picks... I i mean they might be brilliant the barack obama books i'm not but he went on about how good he's a good writer i'm not sure they read an extract it's rubbish anyway um he also picked the Times World Atlas. Oh, very 70s show flower. Not a lot of reading. As is guilty pleasure. Yeah, but I think... Why is he guilty about looking at Atlas? I think Larry Lamb...

What part is he looking at? What's he doing with it? Doesn't he look a bit like a... No. No, he's... Oh, like those high boots. Oh, that's Italy. No, he...

I think what's happened with Larry Lamb No, he's... Oh, like those high boots. Oh, that's Italy. No, he... I think what's happened with Larry Lamb is he's taken the phrase World Book Day a bit too literally. World Book. Oh, yeah, I've seen those. I know the one they mean.

I mean, God bless you. I'm sure he's a lovely bloke, but I was glad... Did he laugh to that? I think, yeah. I spent the whole thing looking forward to the silence of the lamb. That was the half.

Oh, that's got to be his autobiography title. Just blank pages in there. I think it should be on his tombstone. The silence of the lamb. Lamb to the slaughter. Yeah. What, his book? Maybe a biography afterwards.

Yeah. Who knows? What's Barack Obama's book? Some, yeah. Oh, I don't know. Does it involve freedom? I'm sure it does. No, something about my father's songs.

Songs from my father's? No? Anyway. Well, this is interesting. We're trying to think up a name for the title to Barack Obama's book. But, Frank, in the meantime, I would like to ask you a question on behalf of our listener, Mike Kelly. Oh, yeah.

He's a DJ in North Leeds. A lot of the guests at the weddings I do are around Frank's age, and it's only a matter of time before somebody asks for The Fall. With that in mind, could you please ask Frank which is The Fall's best disco dancing track? Well, they did a cover of Lost in Music. Did they? Which is a bit of a disco i believe i've played it on this show shows how much you listen emily dean oh so yeah you can certainly uh you

can dance to that one okay excellent and uh and the one that you like tunnel of love yeah exactly i mean you can that it's not disco but it's sort of um it's a bit more rock and rolly yeah yeah i heard the original of that the other day actually i'll tell you how i heard the I mean, you can doubt it's not disco, but it's sort of, it's a bit more rock and roll-y. Yeah. Yeah. I heard the original of that the other day, actually. I'll tell you how I heard the original. It's that Dan Meyer, who writes Harry Hill's show, gave me an album called Before the Fall, which is the originals of several fall covers.

So if you see that in the shops, buy it. I'll tell you what it does and include. The War Against Intelligence. Do you know that? Do you know that fall track, The War Against Intelligence? Oh, yeah. Laurie Lamb told me about it. Yeah yeah in case you don't know it this is it you're listening to frank skinner on absolute radio working towards a mintier world with three more soft mints absolute radio that was the fall war against intelligence. Well, actually, Frank, I've had a text in from Richard in Basingstoke saying,

Oi, Frank. Not a nice beginning, Richard. Oi, Frank, it's Mark E. Smith's birthday today. Is that right? It is, according to Wikipedia, 1 5th of March. I know he's like, I'm about two weeks younger than him or something like that, so that works out. Oh, you look good on it compared to him. Yeah, well, you know, it depends.

He's very harshly lit on stage. I wonder what he's doing today, Frank. He might have a nice birthday tea, I reckon. I reckon he's now just blowing the... God, if he blows the candle, there could be a massive... massive explosion of alcoholic breath. Oh, thank you so much for this birthday cake. I'm loving it.

Yeah. I'd like to be there. He might wash his hair for his birthday. Don't be unkind about Mark A. Smith ever. I'm not. Happy birthday, Mark. Yeah, if you're listening, Mark, you won't be unkind about Mark A. Smith ever. I'm not. Happy birthday, Mark. Yeah, if you're listening, Mark, you won't be. But I love you very much.

Yeah. You've changed my life. How many people can you say that to? Hello? Ben Jones. Six, seven, eight. Okay, two. In the world. Larry Lamb's given me a sort of atlas phobia for some strange reason.

Sat Nav, I'm on the Sat Nav now. So I've been interviewed all week, a massive burst of publicity stuff. You've got your TV show coming up again, but we can't mention it because you get cross. Don't publicise it. Well, I don't want to use this show to sell something else. This show, to me, is pure in that respect. We'd never have adverts on this show.

As you know. Yeah, exactly. I'm not even going to go there. Oh, good, I've said I'm not going to go there. Can you believe that? I've only ever said that about Bolton, and now I've said it in a way that people say it in the office. Ooh, don't go there. So you've been doing interviews?

Oh, yes. And it was a long, you know, it's difficult to be interviewed by Closer magazine and then the New Statesman. You have to shift your register, like, you know, like changing gear. That's a big old gear change. It is. The woman from, I think it was Closer,

but one of those magazines said to me, how do you and your girlfriend get on with the uh remote control and i said we have we have vile and aggressive arguments about it on a regular basis it's completely true isn't that true in every house yeah and um she said uh oh what do you fight over i says well she likes come dying with me, and I like, you know, documentaries on BBC4. And she said, oh, I don't think our readers will know BBC4. Oh. Well, I mean, that can work out what it is.

It's all part of Jamie's dream school. The letters and numbers. Anyway, so a bloke was talking to me, and he says to me, he said I used to write on a lad's mag in the 90s. What, like notes? No, he wrote four. Oh, I see. And I said, oh, yeah.

He said, of course, you were the king of the new lads and all this. And I said, I don't even talk about it now. He said, no, neither do I. He said the new lads thing. He says don't want to you know you don't want to bring it up and we talked about it you know about the about those days and it's the first new lads nostalgia i've ever heard because there can be no popular cultural movement that has had more relentless stick than the new lads right there was no redeeming features of the new lads, right? There was no redeeming features of the new lads. We had to sit with someone.

It was like being at an alcoholics meet. Because they actually... You were a new lad. It wasn't all, like, you know, that sort of topless women. I was a ladette, in fairness. Were you? Oh, yeah. But what I remember is, like, two-hour...

You actually were a lad. No, you know, there was, like like 2-0 conversations about the Italian job. There was more of that, you know, and football rather than horrible... Ours was sort of Wonder Brass and drinking pints. That's what you did when you were a lad there. Yeah, we drank pints out of Wonder Brass. Hello, boys. Yeah, so that was

an absolutely new experience for me. So did New Labour steal it from the new lads? I think the word new was around. It was around before. It's quite recent new, isn't it? I don't know. How old is New York?

It's quite new. It's about is New York? Quite new. It's about time they stopped calling it new. They're just confused things. Old York should become Old York and then New York could just be York. Shut up now. You're over York the pudding. That's what you've done.

So I kind of like that. But it is true that the whole new lads thing, it's like the evil twin of brit pop the one that's in prison and never mentioned it's what brought bit rip i can't say that it's what brought brit pop down so that's this week's tongue twister it's what brought brit brock yeah right it's a tricky one isn't it it's what it's what it's what brought brit pop down it's what brought brit pop down it's what brought Britpop down. It's what brought Britpop down. It's what brought Britpop down. That's my three. Phew! That's an absolute killer. I love a

tongue twister. And a riddle. I like a riddle. My first is in fish, but not in boats. As I was going to St Ives. No, don't start with that again. No, don't. I've gone all day with it. St Ives. What am I doing? We're playing more adverts. I've just condemned commercialism on the radio. Now you're making me into some sort of hypocrite. You're such a new lad, Frank. Oh, I'm such an old new lad. We only have this excerpt.

This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Gareth and Emily in case you thought oh god that's got that out the way. Yeah. Hello. Frank I'd like to raise something. Well let's see what happens.

Well I'd like to see what you two think of this. Oh no stop now. No. Oh dear. It's funny you should say that, because it is to do with exposing body parts. And actually, I saw some photos.

Do you remember Debbie Gibson? Do I? She's an 80s pop star. Was she quite a Bill Straza, was she? I saw her in Grease with Craig McLachlan. Did you? Was it Craig McLachlan, which was... Have I got the right blood? Yeah, yeah. From Neighbours. Craig 1-2 with the blondeLaughlin. Did you? Was it Craig McLaughlin which was, have I got the right bloke?

Yeah, yeah. From Neighbours. Check one two with the blonde curly hair. Who's the one from Twin Peaks? What's he called? Kyle McLaughlin. He's a bit more of a winning look-alike. He is a bit, yeah. So Debbie Gibson, Debbie Gibson. Can I stop you there

for one second? Did you hear Charlie's latest quote? No. The Charlie Sheen one. Let me get, I've got it somewhere. He says, can't, well he probably says can't. Can't is the cancer of happen. Oh, Charlie.

That's brilliant, isn't it? What I like about Charlie is I think that he writes his speeches using that fridge poetry. Stop. And I think he just, he gets in in the night, he thinks, I won't put the light on, I'll just arrange my speech for tomorrow on the fridge door, then I'll just read it out. That is brilliant marketing, Charlie Sheen

fridge, I'm going to write that down. I like that he's not stopping, he's just carrying on, this is never going to stop. He's got tiger blood. Debbie Gibson, I noticed, Frank, now she's 41, very well preserved, you know, obviously a gym figure, but may I say...

She's very well preserved. Does that qualify as a compliment? Yeah, someone said that to me once. Sounds a bit Damien Hirst to me. Someone said to me once, you've kept your figure. I thought I was 67 or something. So anyway, I noticed Frank, nice body, nice gym body,

but she had a very high crop top on and a low slung jean. And I just thought when I looked at her, even though she had a good figure, TOF, too old for that, can't get your belly button out, I think. This is just my personal views. After about, I think, 27, 28 is the cut-off. That soon? That's the cut-off point.

That is the cut-off point. Goodness. It's a bit like baseball caps on men. Well, baseball caps on any British man is outrageous. I think the Americans, they carry them off. Peter Doherty said that an Englishman in the baseball cap is something, something.

It's the motto of heroin school, I think. I can't remember exactly what he said. He said it was a bad thing. I like that he's become Peter Doherty. Is he back at heroin school? Doherty Minor said. I also have other two old fours.

I didn't enjoy that. It's not the most enjoyable quote I've ever heard on this show. Something, something. Sorry. Other toffs, two old four. Kissing in public. I think that's got to stop

at about 30. Actually, that might even be two old, about 25. What about kissing all together? No one wants to see old people. No one wants to kiss old people. It's old people, surely. But if one in the partner is under.

What if what? What if one partner is, say, 63 and the other one, say, 19? Oh, I would go to that, Frank. Well, as long as you can only see the young one's face. I think you should take an average. I think you should take an average. Oh, the average mean of the kissing. The mean age.

If it was 60 and 19, that would be 79, so half of that. And I'd still be too old. Is there anything that you guys feel too old for, then? Well, I tell you, recently I looked in the mirror and I had jeans on. And I actually thought, am I getting too old for jeans now? I think it's because I'd seen Dr Jonathan Miller at the opera, and he had jeans on, and I thought, oh, no. You know when... I had a non-alcoholic cocktail recently,

and they put in one of those curly straws. Oh, yeah. It had a sort of a blue sheen to it. Oh, a bit of winning. Yeah. And it was very curly and it had the blue. And I looked at it and I thought, I don't know that I want people to see this in close juxtaposition to my old face.

It just seems wrong. The life-affirming nature of a blue curly straw next to, basically, Albert Steptoe. And the seven-pound haircut. Yeah. And the jeans thing. I mean, I saw Bewitched made a comeback, or two of them. Oh, yeah. Only two of them.

Why would any of the Bewitched women think, no, get the phone call and say, no, actually, I'm not interested? You believe that? What else is she doing? Too old for jeans. Even they didn't wear jeans. Wow. But which? They used to be wall-to-wall denim.

Yeah. I feel too old to watch Skins. I mean pelvic wall. Sorry? I feel too old to watch Skins. You're well too old to watch Skins, love. Watching young people kissing, I feel awkward about that. No, I don't like that.

Yeah. You know, unless, yeah. Well, are we all right watching Jamie's Dream School? Are they going to be kissing? They're going to have kissing lessons. Who'd be good for kissing lessons? They're going to have listening lessons, is what they're going to have.

No, and also, something I noticed recently is badges. I've got some badges. I've got some four badges. And I put this over here. And I thought I'd put one of me four badges. And I thought, no, I just can't. I'm too old. No.

Too old to wear a badge. I've got an I am seven badge. Too old for that. Yeah, you're well too old for that. I've got I am Catholic. On a badge? Yeah. Who gave you that?

It's for my birthday card. It was made in 1535 when it was a more daring thing to wear in those days. Very revolutionary. Yeah, it was. You wore it on a leather daring thing to wear in those days. Very revolutionary. You wore it on a leather jacket. Well, I'd. Well, I wear it on an industrial smock myself. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. That was Matronomy with The Look. Brilliant. Speaking of The Look, Harry Washington Smith has helpfully emailed, and I think he's done it using the...

No, he has emailed. Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. The quote, the Peter Doherty quote is, there's fewer more depressing sights than that of an Englishman in a baseball cap. OK. Well, if it said baseball hat, that would rhyme. There's nothing...

There's fewer more depressing sights than that of an Englishman in a baseball hat. Yeah, see? He's sort of... He's on the verge of poetry at all times. Peter Doherty, as it's now called. The drugs don't work. In Frank's dream school. Yeah.

What else? Have we had contact from the outside world? We've had a lovely email from Sean Phelan. Phelan! Email from Sean Phelan Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth I want to thank you all for bringing pedestrian racing into my life I was listening to some of the older podcasts while walking into uni

when the newly established sport arose as a topic of discussion I was laughing along when I noticed a woman ahead of me I was in the zone As I was in the zone I put my foot down and casually overtook her Can I stop you there? Because one of the great things about pedestrian racing is it becomes so much one's priority in life. I recently walked behind a woman, and I don't want to go back to New Lad's nostalgia, she's i mean i couldn't see her face but she had like very short skirt

knee socks on she looked amazing yeah but she was walking quite quickly and a lot of men would have sat back to admire the view not not frank couldn't do it no i had to overtake as simple as that it's a matter of principle this guy obviously has similar morals. As she again tried to overtake me, we made eye contact and both burst out laughing. As I removed my headphones, she asked me if I listened to Frank Skinner on Absolute. Oh! I said that I did. We continued talking and really hit it off. We were going out this weekend.

Oh, Frank! Oh, it's our first pedestrian race in marriage. I just want to wish you the lada, lada luck. I should bring that back. Oh, that's so exciting. I think I'd be brilliant. If they brought that back, I could host that. Oh, OK. That'd be great.

I'm interested in all aspects of relationships. Yeah. And, you know, we could... I'd love him. Any TV people listening, just call me. Frank, I love that story. Can I say, I had one recently. I was going over Waterloo Bridge.

It was all the bridges this morning. And a man, he's an Oriental man. I couldn't, I think, I bet Japanese, very fashionable. You know the Japanese can be high fashion. And he had these big zippy boots on, looked very uncomfortable. And I thought, oh, I'll just, I'll burn this guy off, you know, with his silly footwear. I went past him and he rallied, right, and I could see he wasn't going to let me go. And then he went and I overtook him for a second

and then he came back and I felt, I mean he was a much younger man and I thought, am I destroyed? And I could see he was in pain with the shoes so I went again, that great moment when you go a second time and the brilliant thing, because he had jingly shoes on I could feel him, I could feel him give up because i i heard his

he's walking so as i went past this i knew he was quashed broken him and i remember thinking i must get a jacket that says goodbye on the back of it a sort of special pedestrian two cookie you could have loser on it that's what charlie would do yeah what would would Charlie do something I ask myself every day now well Charlie said

he will be give him another fortnight that's how he'll be speaking all the time this is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio that was Suddenly I See by Katie Tstall. Now, you see this alarm? There's something about the initials. It's the initials.

It's the initials at the start that are setting it off, I think. Can we see? I'll have a look at it. Yeah, but is it initials? I mean, I know it's spelt initials, but is she called Katie? Oh, Katie. Is she got a middle name that begins with T? No, it is initials. It is Katie. But I don't know whether that...

Frank, I'm just checking my make-up. There's a photographer outside. He's coming to take pictures of you. And apparently we might be in the background. I heard that. Is this heroin school gate? Is it getting ready for me? No, we...

Apparently, my interview's in The Guardian magazine next Saturday. I'm not looking forward to it because it didn't go that well, to be honest with you. It's quite hostile, is the thing they say in America. Oh, dear. I don't mean hostile. I think it was somewhere where tramps live. It was unfriendly.

Oh, I see. It might be nicer. You might be getting nicer price. So my only hope is that I look nice in the photos because I'm not going to look nice in the text so you're going for

but he seems so friendly yeah but look at him in the pictures he looks lovely why does she hate him so much that's what I'm after that's what I'm trying

to get yeah and also I think she was the woman you may remember who began by saying why do you hate women?

So I'm thinking that I might Oh she called me in the week yeah we talked about that. Yeah so in the photos I'm going to be reading the female eunuch

just like it's casual maybe not reading it Cuddling a couple of women No that wouldn't work Oh is it? No No I was going to do like a Hills Angels pose, but apparently...

You've got completely the wrong end of the stick now. Charlie's Angels? Yeah. Yeah, we could do that. Anyway... What else? Have we heard anything from the outside world again? Well, we've had someone asking you about your soap holder, which doesn't happen every day of the week.

Oh, yeah, the whole soap holder. This is from Keef, who says, Frank, how has that... Keef? Yeah, Keef, with an F. OK. says frank how is that yeah keith with an f okay frank how has that soap holder worked out for you well have you sorted your shower issues now yeah well you know i felt like a real handyman because i put the soap holder in my somebody sent me a free soap holder because i don't have one in my shower and i put it in myself i mean it was only a soccer it's a sucker but even so you have to put like a clamp on the back

so it gets a full grippage because you know that thing when you're driving and your tom tom slides and lands on the dashboard, that moment of panic I don't want that in the shower as well so yeah it's been magnificent, thank you for asking it's changed my life and the people who sent it in from whatever they were called

something like PJ Associates where are we going to get this scene to? in from whatever they were called. Something like PJ Associates. Where are we going to get this scene to? It's gone off twice as well. Yeah, and what about the no repeat guarantee? It's in ruins. Have a look at it. And we had a text in from Dominic as well, who was chastising one of us, Gareth, I think.

Because he says, anyone over 20 is surely too old to use well in phrases. Like, well too old. Which I think I might have said or Gareth said. Yeah, Dominic must be quite old because he's been really moany. Don't turn on people who are kind enough.

I've told you about this. Just take it, watch off a dog's back. Dominic! No, no, no. I'll bring you down, Dominic, if. Watch off a duck's back. Dominic. No, no, no. I'll bring you down, Dominic, if this is the last thing I do. Oh, no. Dominic, you've... Overreacting? He's just going to be winning.

Overreacting. Yeah, winning. I've got tiger blood, Dominic. What can I do about it? I need a transfusion or something. Do you think Charlie Sheen will bring out a mod's tiger feet, slightly modified? He loved that tiger blood.

If he brought that out now, that would sell. If I called him and said, Charlie... Don't do that. Don't call him. I really think he should do

the fridge magnets. You think he should do that as well? It's brilliant. He's already selling stuff on his Twitter. He's obviously looking for a... And I actually watched that. What's his sitcom called?

Two and a Half Men. Two and a Half Men. I hadn't seen it before, but he's got such publicity for it, I thought I'll sit... And I actually watched that. What's his sitcom called? Oh, Two and a Half Men. Two and a Half Men. I hadn't seen it before, but he's got such publicity for it, I thought I'll sit down and I'll watch it. It's rubbish. It's not even half a man, it's a child. It sort of slightly spoils the fact that he's been talking about, you know, I whipped this into gold and so forth.

Yeah, the tin cans. Tin cans into gold. It's no different strokes, let's face it. It'll do. We should make that happen. We should make the fridge magazine. Can't is the cancer of happen. Yeah, that's true.

Got to be positive. Let's see if we can make it happen. What different strokes? The new version. Is that what you're after? Me and Lenny Henry's doing it. We just need a brother for him now. Who could we have?

Gary Wilmot. So it'll be could we have? Gary Wilmot. So it'll be Lenny Henry and Gary Wilmot as the kids and me as the dad. You'd be good as that dad. Who's going to be Kimberly? Kimberly, I'm... I'm thinking Clodagh Rogers, the former Eurovision Song Contest entrance.

If she's still alive, she's in. That's what we said in the meeting we had about it this week. Clodagh Rogers, check. If she's still alive, she's in. Dominic says, yeah, you're right, I'm well too old. Good old Dominic for joining in. I love Dominic. So you like Dominic now, don't you?

Oh, no, I'm still going to hunt him down. OK. So if you actually enjoyed this then, no I know but some people do you can listen to Not The Weekend podcast which is available every Wednesday and this is us

I always imagine, as I think I've said before it's like us trapped in a space capsule swirling through space and just talking about stuff Ben Jones is next although he's in a different studio because the photographer's going to come in and take photos of me with headphones on trying to he doesn't like to be around cameras because they think it steals his soul i think is he a north american indian i think so something like that i don't know that

i don't like you around cameras either. Is he a commanche? Is that what you're saying? Okay, anyway, we need to go. We had a text from Tim that says I never say good day to you anymore at the end of the show, and since that has stopped, he hasn't had a good day. Can you believe that? Anyway, good day to you.

You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, with Treeball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier day to you.