The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinners Best Of 2011 - Part 1

Episode Date: December 25, 2011

Frank Skinners Best Of 2011 Part 1, featuring Emily Dean, Alun Cochrune, Gareth Richards and Laura Solon

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner, We're on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily and I'm with Alan. Oh, hang on a minute. What's this development? The cock roll. Yeah, exactly. I've got a sound effect. Exactly. It's perfect. That's radio. You've arrived. And also because we're in the morning, you herald a new day.

I see myself as the farmer and I feel you're on my fence. OK. I don't know what my role is in this strange tragedy on the barnyard. Well, I imagine you could handle a churn if pushed. Well, you're not wrong. Yeah, anyway, so I spent the whole evening watching Andy Murray. Oh, I watched some of that. Well, the whole nation.

They stopped the BBC. BBC One virtually closed down for Andy Murray. And every now and again, Sue Barker would come in and explain that if you'd just tuned in for a certain programme, it wasn't happening. It's like 1983. Sue Barker. I'm glad she still gets the work, Frank. I love Sue Barker. There's a bit where she

said, if you've tuned in expecting to see EastEnders, maybe you should re-evaluate your life. It's Friday night. If tuned in especially, I mean, OK, if it's on, you can hear people saying, Sue, leave it. No, no, no, I know what I'm doing. OK, if it's on,

fair enough, watch it. But to tune in specifically, and then to be crestfallen because we're watching a major sporting event. I mean, come on, you people. Sue, leave it. Will you get off my shoulder? But none like that for ages. But I tell you what, I watched that game, and I'm no expert, but I watched that game. I was on my own, and it gave me a bit of scope to concentrate and to do a bit of analysis. And I am not certain, but I would say I'm 99% sure now that Andy Murray's mum and his girlfriend do not get on. Oh, I love this.

No, I was watching them in the box. Don't you love a shot of the box? I love that. I felt there was an iron curtain between Old Ma Morrie, as I believe she's called on the circuit, and the beautiful model. Kim Sears.

What's she called? Kim Sears, great hair. Is that what she's called? Kim Sears. Yeah, quite Middleton, I think. Don't you? I know what you mean, but she's? Kim Sears. Great hair. Is that what she's called? Kim Sears. Yeah, quite Middleton, I think. Don't you? I know what you mean, but she's sandy-haired. But there was a bit...

You know that Morrie, he's one contribution, really, to popular culture, is to do a little punch with his right hand and go, come on! That's all he ever... That's it. I mean, if I was going to do that, you know, gee myself up a lot,

I'd come up with some alternatives. You could spin him around a bit, you know. Occasionally go, oh, yes. Or, ha-ha! You know. Ha-ha! And then people, yeah, then people will think, oh, which one's it going to be this time?

I see the fist going, but which one, you know, on the wheel of remarks spinning in his head, where will it stop? It'd be like a fabulous exclamation roulette. But it's always come up. And there was a bit when they shot the mum, and the mum obviously feeling, you know, who wants to sit next to a model in the box anyway?

Especially not in that pink laser. Especially not one who's taken her son away from her. After all, she's given her entire life. She carried him for nine months. And ever since, has always been putting him as a priority in her her life and now some strumpet turns up and takes him away from her turning him against her behind the back and um and the model does a little punch and goes come on like that maurice style and the mother looked absolute that is our thing! That's our family thing! You come here and you do the little punch and say,

come on, who the hell do you... Oh, it was a tense moment. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. So, look, what about Charlie Sheen? Oh, it's no big deal. Quit panicking. Oh, it's the best thing ever. The interview... I recommend any of you to listen to the interview he does with a bloke called Alex Jones.

Not Alex Jones. Not Ben Jones either. No, but no, with Alex. Oh, Alex Jones, yes. I don't know if Charlie Sheen on the one show. He should be on all the shows now. Yeah, I wish he'd come in here now. Can you imagine what the place would be like now?

We'd be huddled in one corner, terrified. Anyway, what's happened to him? If you imagine that Hollywood stars are a bit like the Daleks, you know, in the centre of every Dalek, there's a black oozing slime, which is what an actual Dalek is, and everything around it is actually the armoury. Yeah, in The Five Doctors, you see um a dalek exploded and you see the thing

inside oh i forgot that bit okay well um charlie sheen if you imagine that every hollywood star has a black slimy unbearableness inside them charlie sheen has decided to dispense with the outer casing and let it all out so when he speaks i think hollywood speaks and uh it's really been spectacular there's a level of arrogance beyond arrogance i think sorry didn't make the rules oops if maybe derrick akora could could could arrange this if adolf hitler could hear that interview i think adolf hitler would say say of Charlie Sheen he's a bit full of himself. Sounds like a bit of an idiot. Yeah.

Oh, some of the stuff he says. When he says are you going to marry? And he says I leave marriage to Amateurs and the Bible Grippers. And then he says the Bible Grippers.

Why does he repeat it? Because it's so good he thinks I'll say that I'll say that twice. And oh, it's I like Sorry, go on. Sorry, my favourite quote is that he talks about something that someone,

he does that people don't understand. And he goes, oh, wait, can't process it. Losers winning. Goodbye. And the whole thing is about how everyone's life is about their ugly wives and their ugly children and they should sit back and just watch this spectacular show. I mean, I know there are ugly children, but one doesn't refer to them. Well, exactly. He's not looking so hot himself now.

Well, according to the bloke who interviewed him, he's the most sycophantic interviewer I've had. He was unbelievable, wasn't he? I've heard myself lapse into I Absolutely Love Your Show a few times, and I don't love myself for it, but this bloke. Charlie Sheen, I don't want to say anything illegal but i wouldn't be surprised to find that he was aided by various things he was completely wired it sounded like and this bloke said you know charlie i've never seen you so energized so beautiful i put it no he's not on the stuff anymore he's um he said

he's just energized he's healed himself with He's just energised. He's healed himself with his brain. He's working out twice a day as well. Yeah, what is he working out, though? Where his dealer's got to? I liked it when Alex Chainsaw said, they say you don't have a hernia.

You know what? I've seen your hernia. Yeah, I didn't like that bit. No, I didn't. This guy, his whole thing was, oh, well, I've been to your house. Yeah.

And you were really good friends. Oh, it was... I say, it is Hollywood. If you want to... Don't watch the Oscars. Listen to this instead. In case you don't know, he's gone off on holiday, hasn't he? With the crew.

He calls them the goddesses. When I say he's gone off on holiday, what is the rest of his life? Where do you go to be more relaxed and wild than he is at home? I think you'll find he's gone off with two smoking hatties. Well, he's taken a porn star, as she's described. I hope that's not too dismissive of what she does for a living. Brie Olsen.

Now, I don't know about you, but I understand porn stars never use their real names. Who would call themselves Brie in that line of work? Avoid cheese. Yeah, any cheese reference. Anything that's going to go off. Yeah, just don't even think about it.

And also, he's taken his nanny. I think he's got twins that are two years old. He's obviously heard of people taking their nanny on holiday and thought that's quite a good idea. They include the children in that. They don't take their nanny on holiday and leave the children. It's like they're Gareth's parents, they don't. Are they in a skip?

No, he calls them the goddesses, and he said that what they have, they're not married, what they have is a marriage of the heart. Yeah, a heart. He corrects himself because there's three of them. Yeah, so there's him and two women on holiday. It could work, I suppose. Anyway, I very much...

I very much recommend you listen to the chart. I've got an even better jingle than that. Listen to this. Oh, Mr Sheen. Oh, Mr Sheen. Yes, that's what Alex Jones should have played throughout every time he said something terrible, like, don't make the rules, oops. Oh, Mr Sheen. It would have been a better interview. Winner rhymes with winner.

Yes. That'd be us. Is that what he said, winner rhymes with winner? Yeah, he says winning, anyone? Rhy rhymes with winner He says winning anyone rhymes with winning I'll tell you what, I think he's losing it Frank We couldn't sleep, it was 4am and we opened a bottle of wine Who said that this week?

That's my little quiz to get you into my favourite news story We couldn't sleep, it was 4am And we opened a bottle of wine Who said that this week? 4am We couldn't sleep. It was 4am. And we opened a bottle of wine. Who said that this week? 4am. We couldn't sleep. It was 4am. Was it the Gaddafi family? No.

The Gaddafi. Open it, open it. Let's open a bottle of wine. Are you getting bummed? Let's get bummed in every meeting. Get off my scarf. Don't stand on my bronze scarf. Are you crazy? Yes, it was the Euro lottery people. The lotto winners. Colin and Christine Weir.

The Weirs, yes. No relation to Peter, the New Zealand director. No, we don't know that they might be um what a lovely couple they seem lovely couple jolly very jolly i'm just saying they're jolly they seem jolly i know you're right um um i picked up the paper when it did it said um the caption on the picture I saw said, it said, Mr and Mrs Weir, and then in brackets, a massive rollover. I thought, no need for that.

So, yeah, so the Euro, they've won 161 million, is it, the Weirs? Yeah, 161 million. It's brilliant. I'll tell you what I love about it is that they seem like they're not often i don't know what it is but people who win big money appear in the papers tend to be terrible people do you remember all those horrible lottery winners that were like yeah not so loud yeah people like that but they seem like a proper nice couple i like the fact they said they were not afraid of this money i like that yeah they should be, though.

You said that once, didn't you, when you pushed the button? Yeah, when I pressed the button on the National Lottery, I looked into camera and said, don't blame me if it ruins your life. I just wanted to wash my hands of the hole. It was like Pilot, Pilot on the balcony. Very similar, actually. It was, yeah. And they were calling out, you know,

oh, do Guinevere. Barabbas, release. There is no machine called Barabbas. That's the Israeli lottery show. Four? I've had a bit of a falling out with them about it. No, this couple, though, I mean, that thing, she said, I had a glass of white wine when we heard.

She said, I only normally have that at Christmas. And that's what worries me, is that life could be Christmas for these two forever. Already. Are you suggesting it could all go to the central reservation in Birmingham? Well, but you know, that's a bad reference to something from my private life.

I just think that Christmas is a time of, I mean, when you just don't. You think, yes, I'll have another one of those. Thank you very much. You know, I'll work it off in January. And, of course, if January isn't coming, I worry for these two because they're a nice couple. And I want to put this in the nicest possible way. They look like, you know, they enjoy their food.

No, I think they do. I know I'm being nice about it. I'm just saying it's a temptation. I think giving someone 161 million quid, it's a big step. That's all I'm saying. It's a lot of money. Yes. And it does say in the paper they visit their fish and chip shop three times a week.

It says it in the paper. three times a week. Guys! It says it in the paper. Is that what it is? Three times a week. See, that's going to go to... Do you know, though... It could be so. It's not going to stop at three.

Well, they look like people... It's only finance keeping them back from... It did worry me they were having the wine and Dawn was breaking. Took me back to the 90s, that. Is that her name, Dawn? Frank. Frank.

Frank. Skimmer, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. What else? Well, there's been this... Have you been reading about... Camilla had this... Of course not.

Oh, why not? She's one of my favourite royals. Oh, OK. She had lunch with Kate Middleton. That's a good question. Who's my favourite royal? Who is your favourite royal? I suppose it would be Princess Michael of Kent.

Oh, you're a fan of her work, are you? Yeah, I am. She's the Catholic. She's the rogue Catholic in the team. Anyway, what's Camilla? Yeah, so they had a sort of pre-bridal lunch. Who? Camilla and Kate Middleton.

Do they wear bridles? I'm not surprised. What, do they have nose bags on? Do they have peanut butter sandwiches? Because maybe that's made it more look like that. You know we're not really talking. Vote for Mr Camilla. Yes. I hope we're not doing jokes about the

royal family being like horses. Have we come to this? I mean, let's talk about Prince Charles' big ears, why don't we? The fact that he talks to plants. Let's sink that low into the colony mire. He has got quite big ears. He has. Have you never noticed that before?

Do you want to hear about the lunch? What Prince Charles can hear about. And now I've done it, you see. So they had this lunch, her and Kate Middleton, and it was this pre-wedding kind of bonding lunch, apparently. Well, I love the sound of it, Frank. It was a very posh restaurant. Okay.

Camilla had a glass of red wine. It was in the day. No judgment here. It's still in the day. Red wine in the day. Yeah, that's all right. I know. As I said, no judgment.

That's what she wants to do yeah and but apparently fellow diners you can tell i got this from a tabloid this story fellow diners overheard snippets of their conversation i bet they do yeah imagine everyone so trumpets were mentioned at one point trumpets yes trumpets were mentioned at one point yes we can't have trumpets the ceiling is too high that's what someone was heard saying okay and then one of the best things was camilla was heard to say can i give you a piece of advice but rather tantalizingly we never heard the end of that sentence frank oh so you don't know what the advice was there was a moment between emily and i when i was um how dare you between Emily and I when I was...

How dare you? Why bring that up now? It was that day she had the black bra and white top. I remember it. I was a paw. I didn't know where to look.

No, I was fiddling with a blind. Oh, come on! Did she get a big... I think you got a big hello that morning. When he came to the stable. I was fiddling

with a blind and sort of rattling it around and I did it for a while. No, you were playingling with a blind and sort of rattling it around. And I did it for a while. No, you were playing drums with a biro and we were about to go on air. Yeah, sorry about you. I did it for a while. And Emily said, let me give you a piece of advice.

And she didn't need to say anything else. I stopped doing what I was doing. And it was probably that. Like, Kate was probably playing with the cutlery or something. What do you think she said, though? Maybe she said, let me give you a piece of advice. Oh, sorry, did I say advice? I meant bread. Maybe it's as simple as that.

We had a text in from Rob. Maybe they were eating jerk chicken, and she said, let me give you peas and rice. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. So look, I'm sorry. I know I'm supposed to be like, you know, the cynical comedian

type about the royal wedding. I was working when the royal wedding was on. I got home. My girlfriend had taped the ceremony and then we had a row about the fact that she hadn't taped the balcony kiss. That's how I am about the royal wedding. That's the best bit. Yeah then we had a row about the fact that she hadn't taped the balcony kiss that's how i am about the royal wedding that's the best bit yeah i had to add a car waiting for me i had to wait till uh four o'clock news on sky and see the balcony kiss before i uh before i went oh you've got to see the kiss oh god both both kisses the first one i felt it was one of those

slightly dry lip kisses and they said let's do that again it's a bit dry lipped they did well andrew neil complained about it he said exactly that he said that wasn't long enough they'll have to do that again horrible old uncle oh the idea of andrew neil is that i'm gonna go over there to andrew neil our kissing expert horrible thought all right so you loved it frank yes i've watched i missed i didn't see it live but i've seen all the highlights, and there's so much to talk about. I loved it. What were your highlights? Well, first of all, I think she's a complete babe, Kate.

Can I say that? She's a strong, independent, modern 21st century woman. Look at that thing when he turned up when she was coxing the rowing team for the charity rowing race, and he turned up after the split, and she jumped out the boat and swam right across. That didn't really happen, Frank. It happened in William and Kate the movie and I'm seeing that as a kind of a documentary.

That's one of the best Sunday afternoons I've ever spent. I was completely not bothered about the royal wedding. I watched William and Kate the movie and I thought, now these are my people. I know these people now, They're in my life. You can't swim in rivers like that. You'd get Viles disease. Or the rat's urine. Oh, thanks for bringing us all

down on a day like today. Viles disease. We're talking fairy tale wedding here, not rat urine. Well, there was so much. I even got tense about the ring not quite going on. Oh, that was a tense moment. Even though I was watching a recording of it, I knew if the ring hadn't gone on, obviously there would have been just martial music on all the channels.

It would have been like when the Queen Mother died if the ring hadn't gone on. That was almost as tense as what will Gary Goldsmith be wearing? Ah, Gary Goldsmith. Who's Gary Goldsmith? He's the black sheep. I don't even know you. Did you watch the Royal Wedding? Yes, I did. I didn't see Gary Goldsmith. I wasn't wearing name badges. I should have been. I don't even... Did you watch the Royal Wedding? Yes, I did. I didn't see Gary Goldsmith.

I wasn't wearing name badges. I should have been. That would have been... Am I right in saying that Prince William had the wrong hat on for that uniform? Well, he had a sort of... He had a sort of... He had a speed doperty back in the day. He had a red military jacket. Everything was like red.

Yeah, exactly. And then he had like a black... It was like he'd maybe stopped off for a cup of tea at London Zoo. One of the keepers had come in for a cup of tea, put his hat down on the same table. I imagine it was about midday at London Zoo. Someone was saying, Bill, how come you're wearing the red hat?

He said, what? Oh, blimey. How has that occurred? Yeah, that's true. But David Beckham made a protocol mistake as well because he put his ob on the wrong lapel didn't he oh did he come on we've all done it i didn't mind though because oh my god how good looking frank i felt sick he was so good he looks cgi now he's so good looking and it's yes i felt even when you said the name, I felt like I was all overcome.

I've gone off Bex since he's become some mindless puppet for the FA. You've gone off him since he got so good looking. Jealous much? It's always been that. No, he's gotten more ridiculous. I liked him when he sort of did stuff like, you know, played proper football. That's what I like. No, I don't go that way. And also, Prince William, he had spurs on in westminster

abbey yes i noticed that there was no harry had them as well he's still talking football he had spurs out yeah really you know proper spinning i imagine i imagine him at the party a bit drunk half 11 at night slicing pizza with his heels absolute radio with Frank Skinner. So, um, Posh and Bex are having another baby. Oh, God, have you just heard? You got a text. No, I thought what I liked about, um, she said in the paper a while ago that they're having another baby and she said that chances of having a girl,

she thought at this stage, chances of having a girl were slim. I thought, wow, even her chances are slim. Yeah, exactly. Even her language. The girl will certainly be slim. Yes. But it's good news, obviously. Yeah, lovely news.

And is it Romeo Beckham? Yeah. He was just voted 26th best-dressed man in the GQ. Yeah. He's very stylish, though. Is he? he's got a strong kind of signature look what is his signature look he wears he often wears a waistcoat which i like what just the white sky yeah does he wears a waistcoat oh that is though i hate that that's a child at wedding isn't it you know the brigade waistcoat on Oh, that is, oh, I hate that. That's a child at wedding, isn't it? You know, the brocade waistcoat on the child, thinking, oh, we've dressed him up for that.

Oh, they just look like, look, when they're people, when the Victorians used to put dogs in suits. Looks like that. I did see some celebrity's child in Hello magazine once with a baby grow tuxedo, which was quite gross as well. But, yeah, so he wears sort of a... I watched that Essex, what's it called oh the only way is essex only way is essex and they've got a baby girl and on her baby grow it said future footballer's wife

does it say that yeah i love it when people just become parodies of themselves yes so um he wears a waistcoat a black skinny jean. He sometimes rocks a scarf as well, and he's got great hair. Oh, God. I don't think kids should be... I wore short trousers since I was 11. Right. And, well, actually, come to think of it, mainly as a kid, I wore a cowboy outfit

for, I'd say, the first six or seven years of my life. I mean, you know, I couldn't... I didn't know you were quite that old. Yeah. Come back to the old Midlands. I was in Arizona in the 1860s. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

We used to see Wild Bill on his way to work in the morning. Regular as clockwork. Did you genuinely think, would you just put that on as your clothes every day? Yeah, that was my clothes. Didn't an adult stop you? No, I think it was just accepted then. You know, I didn't have that many clothes.

It would stop me wearing out the other things. So I had a cowboy outfit until I was, like, nine. And then, as I've mentioned on this show before, my mum made me a Batman outfit. Oh, don't. I can't bear the poignancy of that. Is that the Wellies one? Yeah, that's right. Oh, don't. I can't bear the poignancy of that. Is that the Wellies one? Yeah, that's right.

Oh, we had Wellies. So I essentially... Jeans. Yeah, swimming trunks over jeans. Oh, I can't bear it. And a grey jumper. But I essentially wore a fancy dress until I was 11. So Romeo Becker with his skinny jeans.

Yeah, he's got skinny jeans, I suppose. There's no question what's the big story of the week. Peter the Wild. Peter the Wild. You probably know more about this than I do. He was owned by... I'm quite obsessed by him. I said it.

I went straight in. He was owned by George I. He was. Have you got the story? Have you got the story there? got the story yeah yes what what who was peter the wild briefly peter the wild was a um a child they found in the woods in fact he was a child savage yes he was a child i love it they found it they found them in this they they recur in the news but they're they're thin on the the news, but they're thin on the ground.

Yeah. And nowadays they're always in cobbots. Because they're a lot of running. Yeah. But this guy, he was in a forest. He was like, I imagine he looked like one of the Sylvanian families figures. He had a big head of hair. Did he? They've got a picture of him, because they have found a painting of him.

And he looks a little bit like James Harris. Oh, James um the the boy who um did the uh antiques thing my my old my adversary of old my former nemesis yeah because i was on a terry wogan show and we had i had a different he was only about um 10 i think james harry but he was haughty in the extreme very Very haughty. He had a little Lord Fauntleroy element to him. He was almost hoity, wasn't he? Yeah, all he needed was the blue velvet catsuit. I know it collects the bits,

but it does lovely things with the light. Well, Peter the Wild looks a bit like him and a bit like an ex-boyfriend of mine, who you both know. Yes. Okay. We can't possibly name. No, we can't, so...

He was quite a well-known celebrity. I will... I'm not going to name. I'm not going to give any hints. Lou Reed? No, he wasn't the next boyfriend of mine. No. I mean, no, he looks a bit...

But he is... In a way, it's a terrible phrase, isn't it? The child savage. Or the pet. No, the fact that he was... I'll just read it there. He was known for his refreshing lack of ceremony does that mean he went to the bathroom on the dining table i think it's that kind of thing but i love the idea

um but make a great catchphrase wouldn't it yeah i know what you're thinking you're all commenting on my refreshing lack of ceremony i can imagine it frank he wouldn't have said that because he couldn't speak very much he could say say Peter and he could say George. But they put a little leather collar on him. Was he allowed to call King George I George? Yes, he loved him. He was his pet. He absolutely loved him.

The leather collar, that's wrong. Isn't that wrong? He was very happy. He lived to an old age. He was very happy and cool. On a lead, he was happy. They didn't even have the extendables in those days. He was constantly under your feet.

You know when they go under your feet, they... The dogs, I think. Not when he was a... No, but he got to become a celebrity. There was a figure of him in the local waxworks. Was there? Yeah. Something with the Royal Family.

I don't know, I was at Clarence House the other day, because you may remember, with Prince Charles. And he was using Linda Lusardi as a piano store. He played quite beautifully, actually. But she was kneeling side on with her legs at the base end of the keyboard. And he sat on her, and she's just in her bra and pants. And he played the theme tune from Pop Black, you know. But when he went to the

big bass, he leaned across and I could sense the pressure on the spinal cord. I could see that she was trembling at the forearm. I thought, if Linda collapses, she'll be out of favour at the court. Thank God she held on. I saw her later, still in the bra

and pants. You could see the marks of a cavalry twill on her back, where he twisted as he played. There's something about the royals and the way they want to use people. I just don't get it. He seemed a nice bloke in every other respect. Still, Linda's glad of the work. Frank!

Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute radio! Frank, we've hadner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email in this week. Here's two of my recent food-related idiotic eureka moments. Now, I have to explain because we do have some occasionally new listeners hang around. A lot of them are still listening this far into the show. And an idiotic eureka moment, something we've had on the shelf for ages it's when you suddenly realize after ages you suddenly get a joke or a pun or some sort of

the example like the bt adverts a woman called bt used to advertise bt took me took me over a year to get that reference i realized last year that the good Life was a pun on Barbara and Tom Good's name. I didn't know that. In fact, I had one this week. How was it? There's a... If you walk down Bloomsbury in London... You know London.

Yeah. I like the Samuel Pepys beginning. Yeah, there's a left-wing bookshop, and it's called Bookmarks. I'm familiar with it. Yeah, and it only just struck me for the first time this week. Oh! Marks. Yes!

But it's M-A-R-K-S. Oh, they're not worried about minor details like that. Yeah, but that's the first time. And that's the first time it's ever struck me, that bookmarks. Are you with me, Alan? You're looking confused. I am, I am, but I just wonder why they didn't go with the X. No, exactly. Well, the one that, the left-wing garage down the road,

it's called Skidmarks, with an X. I got that immediately. Yeah, they slipped up there. And then the fascist bookshop, which is called Book Hitler. Which is not a cleverer pun, but I got it. I got it immediately. Now, go on.

Oh, then there's the left-wing supplier of duvet cover sheets and pillowcases. Bed Lenin. Oh, that's good, Frank. Someone will open that shop. 895 Russian walking and winter sports Trotskis.

Trotskis? Yes. Trot, I suppose. Yeah. That's a good one that's just arrived. Communist Temping Agency, Office Engels. That's good. Oh, man, I'm loving it, loving it, loving it. I'm loving it like that. Can I continue with the email from Anon?

Yes, please. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, here's two of my recent food-related idiotic eureka moments. That's what we were explaining earlier. I bit into an apple, saying to my friend, this tastes like cider. Excellent. And whilst eating my Sunday dinner,

I was thinking I should put the slice of beef in some bread, as it tasted like a burger. I'm revising for my A-levels at the moment. Bye. Don't bother. Best of luck. That's my advice. Can I just say, I love bye as well. Sounded quite dramatic, like the relationship was ending.

Yeah. Bye. Sounds to me like his apple was on the turn. Yes. If he's getting cider whiff from it. That's great that he thought he'd invented a burger by putting beef in the middle of bread. Well, I'd be really impressed by this if someone texted in and said I was eating a pear last

week and I said to a friend, this tastes like peri. Because peri is something that seems to have disappeared. No one drinks peri anymore. And people call it pear cider now, don't they? Do they? Yeah. They don't call it peri. It's called like, conversationally people say, oh? They don't call it Perry. It's called like conversationally

people say, oh, I'll have that pair sider. I'll be frank with you, this is the first conversation I've had about Perry in any of its manifestations for about ten years. And I'm enjoying it. Good. They call it commercial pair sider. I always feared that it might go, well,

shall we say pear shaped? Frank, 964 Cuban left petroleum company, Castro Loyal. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Oh, tres nominación. We should explain, actually. We can't, in this thing about Castro, they're referring to our nominations as if everybody knows about them. But we are excited about it.

It is normally the way with people who work in the entertainment industry to be very blase about when you get, you know, say, oh, it's not what it's about, it's not about awards, which is exactly what I would have been saying if I'd received no nominations, of course. But I'm going to let you into a terrible, terrible secret. I listened to the nominations being announced live on the internet. Did you?

And I sat, because I didn't know how many I was up for, I sat with a biro and a sheet of A4 so I could write them down. Oh, tragic. Oh, terribly tragic. That is tragic. I'm going to op my tragedy. Okay.

I'm going to op my tragedy. Wow, how are you going to do that? The next day I looked at the Chortle website, which is the big comedy website in this country. Very good, very informative. And it said, you know, clever pun, it said Frank Skinner, head of the herd, H-E-A-R-D, very clever.

And it said Frank Skinner received two nominations for Sony. And I got my manager to to correct it have i become this monster no you've always been the monster oh yeah yeah i'm just uh i've just got more output about it yeah yeah oh frank well no i think it shows you in a good light that you confess. Well, also, I think, you know, it is exciting. Why not get excited about, I mean,

I'm going to see Tony Hadley again. That's a bonus. Well, there you go. Who knows whose table? Ronnie Wood is nominated, my absolute fellow. Apparently he won't have a table. Because he's the crow man. The crow man.

Because he's the crow man. The crow man. He wants to be seated atop a gibbet in the corner of the room in sinister lighting. That's what he's set up. Did he read them? A gibbet. Ronnie Wood, Frank, said, I'm really excited about it and I've set all my alarms to make sure I get there. It's 8pm!

I know, but I imagine he sleeps by day, doesn't he? Oh, yeah, you're right, you're right. I've never really heard... I've only heard the trailers for Ronnie Wood's show. Vote for Ronnie Wood, by the way. You can vote for him. He's up for the rising star. Yeah, we've got to help out... He's still rising.

Could you believe that? I'd have thought he'd got into black hole territory. Well, the pro man. Yeah, he's... Yeah, he's... There was that trailer. Remember, the pro man. Yeah, he's... There was that trailer, remember that trailer we used to play when he says, I met Jimi Hendrix on the stairs and I died and I said, you know, look after yourself.

That was a... Yeah, that's the effect, Rodney's advice. But he must be out of his Jimi Hendrix anecdote. That was a year ago. Surely. Oh, no, no, it's sort of... You can make him up, though, you know. No, but yeah, I met Tanita Chikoram in Clinton Cards.

And she was saying, Oh, Ronnie's a bit low on the anecdotes. Put a song on. We had a text last week from Julie, who gave a very good celebrity anecdote. Oh, yeah, what was that one? She said, I bumped into Bonnie Tyler in town. She was trying to find somewhere for a coffee.

I suggested Starbucks or Costa, but she was holding on for a Nero. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. So, Frank, I'd like to go Nativity here on you. Oh. There's some rather surprising news out this week obviously it's the the time the season for nativity plays certainly is um for those who remember to have children and um apparently joseph and mary which you would say traditionally was the most coveted role one would assume in the goodies oh god yeah. But in hindsight, they did a survey,

and most people would actually rather play... It said the... It referred to him as the evil innkeeper. Why is he evil? Or heretic. He's probably not evil. He's a very good hotelier, because... He found additional accommodation. He doesn't have any spare rooms.

Yeah. But he makes an effort for them. Like all hoteliers, he's a slave to a vulnerability they didn't book in advance they turn up he can't create a room out of nothing on the busiest nights for you and we want a room because she's pregnant there's people at reception i hear people saying well you must have at least one room no we've got a finite number of rooms the idea that i would say i don't have any rooms if i've got at least one room so. We're not Jesus.

And she went, oh. Well, she was sort of slightly Jesus. Particularly during a national census time. We know how busy hotels get around that time. It's like booking a hotel in the Olympics on the day of the opening ceremony. Have you got a room? No. Do you think she said, it's absolutely

crammed, it's the birth of Jesus this week. They've come from all over. There's three blokes standing up here earlier trying to get a room. They were prepared to share. Funny aftershave they're wearing. Yeah, exactly.

I thought, no, I, they described him in the telegraph, the innkeeper, as one of the darker good time characters. What? Where was that good time?

It was working on Christmas night. He's just answering the door and saying, I've got no room left because it's full to capacity. There's fire regulations. There's nothing good time about somebody working all through the holidays. He's got a business. He gave them a bit of old straw. I've slept on worse, I tell you.

Yeah, well. Were you in the Nativity Play, Frank? Can I say I had one of my most traumatic experiences of my entire life in a Nativity Play? Oh, no. I was Head Shepherd. Not Ed Shepard, who sounds like somebody who reads the local news. I was news reporter Ed Shepard, sounds like somebody who reads the local news. I was news reporter Ed Shepard reporting on the birth of Christ. No, I was head shepherd and Miss Knight, the headmistress,

said, right, gather around the baby Jesus. Well, I was the head shepherd so they were following me. Well, the baby Jesus hadn't been placed in the manger at that point. He was in a crisp box at the back of the stage. So I went and knelt at the crisp box and my other shepherds knelt with me. She went absolutely ballistic. I mean, she went crazy.

It was a simple mistake. I was following orders. I've heard that before. Literal child. Yeah, but there was the baby Jesus, you know. Was it a doll? It was a doll, yeah. It wasn't the real baby.

I remember sometimes it was just swaddled. No, no, this was a doll with a hint of cheese and onion. But anyway, she came on stage and she grabbed me by my ankle and then raised her hand up. She didn't. And I swung upside down. And this is a bit of a difficult thing to explain. I was tiny.

I was only like five. And I swung around and my hand went right up her skirt. And it was... I can't tell you. I felt strange tremors go through me as if I'd met... Like I imagine when they opened Tutankhamen's tomb and the smell of the ancients rose up. But I really felt like I'd done something bad.

Because at that age I wasn't quite sure what I'd done. Yeah, but I was a victim of gravity. Frank, Frank, Frank Sk gravity. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I've got the clock set up.

That's the big news of the week. Of the John Wayne alarm clock. Well, cuckoo clock. Cuckoo clock. I'm not aware of any alarm facility on it. We should explain, Frank. We should explain, shouldn't we? Just a bit of back-reffing here.

You're going to give the back story on the John Wayne cuckoo clock. It's not a lengthy back story. All I'm saying is... You say that. Go on. No, I'll just tell some of our listeners who may not know, we bought, we being the team, bought Frank a John Wayne cookie clock for his birthday.

There you go. It was something I'd seen in one of those magazines that you get in the free tabloids at the weekend. We've all looked at them, you know, played with a cat on and stuff like that. Crying baby Amy. Yeah, exactly. You have the option to pay in installments. Yeah.

Over time. All that. By the way, did you pay in cash or did you pay in installments? Why do you think it's a bit late? That's what I'm saying. You were the first ever cash buy for one of those things. I spoke to our Nora this week. It was her birthday.

70 this week, would you believe it? God bless her. And she said to me, I said, we were talking and suddenly in the background... And she said, what was that? I said, that was the John Wayne cuckoo clock. She said, oh, Ahrimander said she wanted one of those. No. Yeah?

You actually know someone who wants one of those. Exactly. We were on the verge of purchase. I said, it's a bit plastic here, I'll be honest with you, but I love it. Who's Ahrimander? Is she friends with Artrish, your pretend sister? No, no, she exists.

Ahrimander is my niece. Oh, OK. I finally found my niece. Oh, good. Yeah, so anyway, it's a beautiful thing, the John Wayne alarm clock. One of the first things I noticed that really excited me is I set it up and I was waiting for the hour. Oh.

Because it only goes on the hour. It's not a quarter horse. Yeah. And I sat there and it went... I don like that can't be right i thought you know i had a look i thought maybe a bit of polystyrene left in the throat or daisy's gone down the market to get it rubbish so anyway then I spotted a volume on it. Oh! So I cracked it up. The next time it went, oh, my God. I mean, it was like I felt like that suffragette

that ran in front of the King's Wharf. It was absolutely... It changed the whole thing. So what happens is, before it goes, you hear... Oh, it's all gone a bit Kenco. Then the thing goes. John Wayne, he stands at the bottom he lights up behind there's a little john wayne figurine yeah he doesn't come out though well that's not what i

thought well not on my clock he um it like he lights up so he's silhouetted in a in a in a saloon oh i love that he's silhouetted that's's so romantic. But the saloon itself is, you know, it's sort of, it's strangely dark. It's almost like John Wayne owned a saloon. Everyone had left and he's just clearing up at the end of the night on his own. Having a nightmare. And suddenly the horse turns up. It's like he's heard the horse and he's come out to see what spooked him. Anyway, and then...

Does the horse go into the saloon then? It's like my big fat gypsy wedding. It has a separate door. But it also looks like a saloon door. It looks like it might be coming into the living quarters after a night out. But Frank, has it been a welcome addition to your life? Oh, it's been brilliant.

I love it. I get... It always, you know, I'm still surprised by it. That's what I like. It's still... When it happens, I'd kind of forgotten it was going to happen. Yeah. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner. Now. Now. Now. There's been an email. Oh, it's kind of... Now, now, now. An email from James Oakes, which says,

Hello, Frank. The delightful Emily, obviously, is not here at the moment, and the cockerel. Inspired by Frank's oft-mentioned comment that Winton's Wonderland was only commissioned for the title and the cockerel bringing up desperate scousewives two weeks ago. Can I point out before we go on that I wasn't after Dale Winton in a savage way here.

I just said that some TV shows only get made because they've got a pun in the title. That is my belief. Yeah, good title, commission. Yeah, exactly. So some of my work... A bit of bitterness, I thought. My law is so low. a bit bitterness i thought some of his work week was reallocated to the creation of the following tv show ideas okay

so james has come up yeah for you well and for all of your team saints and skinner frank tells the stories behind some of his favorite saints or i could do that some of his favourite things next one Skinners Thinners Frank meets slimming champions and learns some of their tricks of the trade

or it's a 1940s themed sitcom with Frank as a lovable roguish door-to-door solvent

salesman both could be made both are good easily Forest of Dean a documentary charting the trials and tribulations as Emily becomes the new chairperson of Nottingham Forest FC.

Now, that would work, because I've always thought Emily is a bit like Karen Brady. She has that look about her. All right, well, I didn't know if that was a reference to her looking a bit like Nigel Clough as well. Oh, yeah, of course. That has been pointed out. Yeah, mainly by her.

Yes, indeed. And then the last one is, The Cockerel Crows, a morning TV show with Alan as the main host, or a sitcom based on Alan's attempts to keep afloat a struggling pet shop specialising in corvids. Lovely use of the word corvid there. Corvids. I am enjoying that.

Yes, truly. Many points allocated for the use of corvids. I've got one for you, Frank. Go on. Skinner his teeth. Frank tries to avoid custodial sentences for minor criminal offences. And he gets away with things by the skinner his teeth. I thought it was going to be some terrible thing about my horrible yellow teeth.

I've got one here for you. And it's a documentary about your life, Laura. Right. But it's one of the... Is it quite short? It's presented by David Soule. And it's called Soule on Soule on. That's done.

I think that's done. Yeah, I think that'd be great. I thought of a good one for you as well, called Soule on Farewell, where a suicidal Laura Solon goes around saying goodbye to everyone in her life Not much of a second series potential No, well the end of the first series

is a one way flight to Switzerland that's it, it's done and one for me was maybe me investigating metals called Alanaminium What do you think of that? One for Emily could be Dean and Not Heard Investigating metals called Alanaminium. What do you think of that? That's absolutely sensational. One for Emily could be Dean and Not Heard,

where she either works as a mime artist or spends a week as a Victorian child. Well, the idea of her not speaking much has made me slightly surprised. I thought we could have Alan Cochran investigates American politics and he spends the whole thing in Washington talking to politicians and stuff. And it's called ACDC. LAUGHTER