The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Best Of 2011 - Part 2

Episode Date: December 31, 2011

Frank Skinners Best Of 2011 Part 2, featuring Emily Dean, Alun Cochrane and Gareth Richards

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! Um, so let me give you the line-up. There's me, Frank Skinner.

Hello, Mr Radio. There's Alan Cochran. And there's Emily Dean. Sorry, that was the only one I had for you, Em. It seems... You know, I'm very happy with my sound effects. Well, you're brassy. Yeah, I am.

And that was brassy, so I think we're on. We're on Absolute Radio, still. Alan and I are feeling like you need to get something off your chest this morning. Yeah, have you got any Vic Vapor on? No, I've been watching intermittently this week, and that's not the name of a new Keira Knightley emotional movie. I've been watching Red or Black. Oh, yeah.

I don't know if you're aware of Red or Black. We have actually talked about it on the show before, when the original idea was mooted. We talked about what it would be like. But I don't think any of us, for one moment, thought it would be the glimpse through the gates of hell that the programme has turned out to be. I think it's quite significant the colours red and black are the colours of the devil, and indeed Nazi Germany. Not a fan then. I tell you what Simon Cowell has done, he's looked at the success of the X Factor and

Britain's Got Talent, and he's thought, do we need the talent part of this? Can't we just have 50-50 guessing? He probably thought, think of the talent part of this can't we just have like 50 50 guessing he probably thought think of the popularity what's the really popular game what about heads or tails perhaps we could get a theme on on that and they even have people you have the heartbreak stories that you get on the talent shows you know yeah you know my uh with the dell music frank playing underneath while they're crying my wife was born born with three heads and all that kind of stuff. A million quid would really help us and stuff like that. And then they either say red or they say black

rather than they're either good at something or bad at something. Now, there might be people at home saying, but this is a great chance for the ordinary people to have a million quid. Lovely people that have won it um yeah and um you know what i particularly like the lottery and that there's something about money that seeks out the um the what was he called the lotto lout and all those people yeah it does i'm starting to think that it's made me feel very differently about hanton dick has it because i you think it's dented their brand? Well, to me, no, they represent pure evil.

We're going to need a jaycloth because someone's just spat tea across the studio. You know, those early flickerings of, you know, the occasional strange viewer phoning and, you know, money going. I thought that was just, it was nothing.

I'm now starting to think that Ant could be short for Antichrist. And Dec may be December, you know, the end of days, the dark times. I do, I think they're presiding over the death of British society. When you say it's made you feel different about them, I have had a similar thing, but on a much more minor scale. OK. Because I turned it over, and I don't really understand the programme, but I don't think that's... Hold on, Red or Black?

Hold on. What don't you understand? Well, it's not a tricky format. I think... Can I just say, in case you doubt this thing, that this is the devil's work, one of the things they they had what they called Il Divo. Oh, Il Divo, yeah.

And in order to decide whether it was red or black, they had to pull feathers out of an angel's wings. How much imagery do you want that this is the work of the devil? I honestly think that this is a filthy, vile virus at the centre of British society

that'll bring us all down. I think Ant and Dec should be hung up like Mussolini and Claretta Petucci. Well, we're out of the blocks this morning, aren't we? I could be wrong. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

We've had a text in. Hurrah! Morning, Frankengang. What's this I hear that you're on for two hours? How are you going to cope, Munchie? Well, we're on for two hours. I don't know where to begin with this, Munchie. We're on for two hours every week. Yeah, exactly.

That doesn't mean that we know how we're going to cope, but... Well, Munchie's a funny old name, though. Yes. Sounds like someone who might have had the munchies for most of the early hours of the morning. But, yeah, we're on for two hours every Saturday morning, munchie. Silly. And Gary Monia...

Gary Monia, that's what you are. Well, that's very good, because he's talking about you ask people to make a song with their name in. Oh, yeah. And he's come in with, my name fits perfectly in the song, what's that coming over the hill?'s gary monia it's gary monia oh i see well imagine the elation when gary monia discovered that for the first time i'd like to have been there to have seen his little face you know that mole he's got that just above that i bet that just twitched a bit. That's great. See, I went for

Gary Monier to the tune of Unforgettable by Nat King Cole. Anyway, that's this morning's phoning. Songs that fit Gary Monier's name most appropriately. How do you spell

Monier? M-O-N-N-i-e-r yeah okay someone's also had a bizarre eureka moment idiotic eureka moment yeah it's occasionally a new new listener start here this is the idea that you something for years that you haven't got and you suddenly get it like for the the classic example was I used to watch the BT adverts and the fact that the woman was called BT never struck me that that was a pun on BT for about five years. So it's like that.

I had one this morning, actually. That's my business. No, I had an idiotic Eureka moment when I was looking in the papers. Actually, it wasn't. It reminded me of an idiotic... There was a feature, and if anyone who's read today's tabloids will have seen this. Eric Clapton is photographed in a...

In a laundrette? In a laundrette, yeah. Oh, I didn't like those pictures. Yeah, I know what you mean, but I think he just... Why would he be in a laundrette, Eric Clapton? He looked all caught unawares with his smalls. I didn't like it. He did some sort of crime. Laundering the evidence.

How do you think that? Wiping blood off the... Oh, no. That old one that they always did. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that it's come to this. I think he had a full-length leather as well, like Ron Atkinson. I didn't like his clothes. Anyway... Did he have a full-length leather? I think he had an Atkinson full-length leather.

Oh, that was a bit Matrix-y. Brr, Matrix. That's my new rule for all our listeners. If you see anyone in a full-length leather coat, you have to go, brr, Matrix, immediately, right? Especially if they're really fashionable people. So go on. So it said slow hand wash was the headline They're really fashionable people. So go on. So Eric Clapton.

Yeah, so it said Slow Hand Wash was the headline because he's known as Old Slow Hand Eric Clapton. Yeah, that's his nickname. Oh, okay. And I always assumed that that was to do with his guitar technique, that he was so, you know, he was so effortless. But actually, I say this as a eureka. In in fact he told me that it actually comes from like a celebrity idiotic yeah but it was what they used it was his nickname slow hand because slow

hand clap turn oh slow and clap so i'm captain juicy yeah? Yeah. We've had a brilliant text from Phil. Well, you put the pressure on Phil. I know. And he's... Well, I'm going to have to sing it. And he said, When I was 17, it was a Gary Monier. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.

Cleanliness, they say, is next to godliness, but only in a really rubbish dictionary. That's some of the material I shall be using tonight. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I've been the president of the Samuel Johnson Society. Samuel Johnson was an 18th century writer and he wrote a big dictionary. Yeah. And I have to hand it over to him.

My term is up. Oh. It's that thing, you know. It's like, remember when Gordon Brown stood in outside number 10 down the street and gave that emotional sort of fare? Well, obviously it hasn't gone that badly. But I hand over tonight

and the bloke found me up and he said, you know, that badly. But I hand over tonight and they the bloke phoned me up and he said you know, you have to hand over to the new president and I said, who is he? And he says, um, Susie Dent. And I said, oh, she's great in the Bond films. It's a very

bad line. Susie Dent is actually Yeah, she's from Dictionary Corner. She's from Dictionary Corner, yeah. Did I ever tell you that Judy Dent, I was once having my photo taken at Sandy Ivy, which is quite a sort of posh restaurant in London. If you're going to get it done anywhere, do it

there. Yeah, well, it was, you know, it was a press thing. It wasn't just a friend doing my photo. And a car pulled up and Dame Judy Dent got out out and as she went past i heard her say i thought this place was for celebrities she didn't she zinged you you got zinged by gosh i yeah she's got i didn't know she had it in her oh yeah she's got that look about it don't you think oh she's turned she's got wow she's her, don't you think? Oh, she's turned.

She's a woman very at home with a grimace. I hope you fired something back like that. No, I was taking her back. To be cut down by Judy Dench. I mean, for goodness sake. She trampled you underfoot by the sounds of it. But she looks like that. I mean, in the Bond film, she looks... I'll tell you what she looks like.

The director says, OK, Dame Judy, we're just getting ready for this take now. And she'll say, OK. And she'll go, Karen. And a personal assistant will come over with a silver tray with a shot glass full of malt vinegar. She just knocks that back and then her face is in there. James, you're not making this any easier.

That horrible pinched, pinched face of hers. Pinched. Anyway, it's not her. It's not her. Well, I'm glad to hear it after her appalling behaviour. Well, you could have got her back. You could have got her back, though, couldn't you? So, is Susie Dent...

In a way, I just did. She's a well-known... She's a lexicographer. She is. I've heard that. No, she's married with two kids. Frank. Frank.

Frank. Skimmer. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Do you think the world's fattest man? Did you see that programme? I did. What was he, 70 stone? He was 70.

No, he was really relieved because he thought he was 70. And they said, well, we've got some good news. And he was only 56 stone. So he was so happy. That was after quite a bit of dieting. And then he lost even more weight. But, oh, he was fat, Frank. He's down to...

He wouldn't be fat. Fat Frank. If you turned it on, world's fat, Britain's fatest man, he wasn't fat, you'd feel cheated. Yeah. He'd be like the magicians. Well, I'll tell you what size he would be. He's extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra large.

Is that what he is, officially? Well, it's interesting, because there was a time, of course, when comedians would do unkind jokes about fat people, and I think we've been told that that's the wrong thing to do. That's on one side of the scales. On the other side of the scales, we're asked to discourage... He's the world's fattest man. Well, Britain's.

But also, we're supposed to discourage children from obesity. And the best way to do that is to really lie into fat people in a comical way. And then they'll say, well, I don't want to be that person. You know what I mean? It's a dilemma. He ate 30 to 40 chocolate bars a day, didn't he? You see, I have to say, there's something admirable about Britain's Fattest Man. There is, because, you know what I mean, we're all, I don't know about you, but I'm a bit, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, you know what I mean?

I don't really allow myself to indulge. And the hips don't lie. You know, I remember saying over Christmas, just one mince pie. You know what I mean? Now, he wouldn't say that of Britain's Fatties. Let's call him BFM. BFM would say, I wouldn't mind another box of them, actually.

And there is something fabulously exhilarating about that level of self-indulgence. They said for lunch, you would often have fish and chips four times and two kebabs. And you'd have like a two litre bottle of Coca-Cola with it. Not Diet Coke. No. Fat Coke.

That would be a bit weird if you were having Diet Coke with 40 packets of crisps a day. Yeah, but fish and chips four times. With some kebabs for the table. Yeah, exactly. But do you think, is there a moment when you're thinking, actually, is this two or three? There was one thing I did notice, Frank, which is when he was opening his crisps.

Oh, thank God. I wonder what he's going to say. When he was opening his arm. He had some tin foil, which he laid out in front of him on a big sort of slab and then opened all the packets and put them on the tin foil. Oh, did he? Because one crisp packet, I mean, that was one tic-tac to him. That wasn't enough.

To make one giant crisp packet, he has to make his own crisp packets big enough. Yeah. So he's got, you know, he's... But do you know what I mean about something admirable? I agree in some way. Inventive. Yeah. Well, I suppose you get quite inventive

about how to eat enormous amounts of food if that's what you do. Apparently he's cost the taxpayers over a million pounds. Personally, I'm happy to put my share in. Just for the knowledge that there is a man living in the same country as me who will have fish and chips four times and two kebabs for the table. I just want to know that he exists. It's like the royal family. He gives something back to us all.

Yeah, exactly. He provides a service. He had to have, in the documentary. It's like the royal family. You could go to the changing of the lard when he switches midweek from one £56 tom of Lard to the next one. I'd turn up for that. When he goes through his operation, though,

because he doesn't leave the house much, it was a bit curious because they managed to hoist him into the ambulance, which took some time. That was a good 20 minutes worth of the documentary. And whilst he's in there, he's looking around and out the window, and he's going, oh, and they're on the motorway, and he's going, oh, the speed they go at now yeah well you're fat not victorian surely you realize people drove fast on the motorway i think you should text him just you're fat not victorian i think that needs

to be hammered home anyway he's on the way down now and you know we wish him well i still like to think occasionally we'll have fish and chips four times and two kebabs for the table, just for the whole time's sake. Well, what I do honestly feel sorry for him is that it says one of his diets was that he was limited to four pints of milk flavoured with OXO cubes each day. Mmm. That is not nice. Well, what I like about that, I have to say,

is sometimes when you're drinking milk, one can forget that it's come from cattle. Not if it's oxo flavour. He's gone for... He's thinking, really, I want the whole cow here. Double beef. Yeah, I want the whole cow. Could you make this milk taste more cow-like? Well, we could cook some... Yeah, do it!

The terrible thing, though, is he could have that idea and, of course, not be able to get to the cupboard. Thank God he's got the helpers who look after him and stuff. He's a bit like Santa Claus in that respect. One associates him with,

you know, excess and... Is that why? No, but the carers have been cut down. That's the trouble. The more weight he loses... What, by snipers? The more weight he loses,

the less help he'll get. And I don't think that he's very happy about that. Oh, that's a... He threw a sugar-free jelly at the window in anger, that's all I'm saying. Did he? But I bet, you know, I bet he hates the idea of a sugar-free jelly.

His arm's still wobbling. Yeah. So has the jelly. In fact, he found quite a lot of sugar-free jelly under his arm when they cleaned him up. I don't think we should go any further down this road. I don't want to be unkind about BFM. But I will send that little text.

He's a hero. Yeah, you send him a text and I'll send him a galaxy. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. I've been reading about supermarkets this week. Do you? Strange, you may say. Why have you gone so Wintonian? I'll tell you why.

Yeah? I'll tell you exactly why. Because I was interested in some statistics that were knocking around. Apparently you spend 64 days of your life supermarket shopping. I don't. Well, you don't. Okay. Well, I actually quite like it.

Go on, carry on. Oh, do you? Yeah. Well, there are other statistics. Apparently you travel 22,000 miles to and from the store. You do. No, you do. No, no, you do. And one in 20 people look for deals on price comparison sites,

which I just thought, that's... What? They actually go compare? Someone does it. The idea that someone goes and compares, having been told by that bloke, that terrible song, to do it. I wouldn't go compare under any circumstances, in any context. I just don't compare anymore.

I still do a bit of comparing. But if you start singing, go compare um i'll have to stop that as well i love um i tell you what it's a great delight of mine i don't have many acquired skills i can't ride a bike i can't swim i can't roller skate i can't ski you're a tv funny man though well a man man. And what I have got quite good at is packing my bag in a supermarket. Oh, no way. Have you got a system? Well, I've got, it's sturdy on the bottom.

I'll say. So I sort of go, you know, tins or cartons on the bottom. I know you want to put those crisps in. Leave them be. And you're moving your way up to damage your ears. Yeah, and moving them in so you get some of the sturdy put those crisps in. Leave them be. And you're moving your way up to damage your ears. Moving them in so you get some of the sturdy plastic stuff with fruit in.

That's all right in the middle there. It's the closest I get to doing a sudoku. It's just, at the end of it, it's... What do you put on the top layer, just out of interest? Coriander. It'll often be snack food. Yeah, all right. Because it's a delicate beast at the best of times.

Yeah, and what I'll do is I'll actually strengthen one side of the bag with a newspaper and magazine. Oh, yeah. So that when I lay in the car... I love ballast. Yeah, it hasn't got, like, my wheel jack isn't digging into the side of my sliced bread. A bit like when people put old doors in the side of a skip so that it's all pushing.

Makes the skip even bigger. Gives them an extra three feet, I'd say. Yeah. If not more. You're always on with the skip tip. When I go shopping, I have a carb alarm fitted to my basket sometimes, which sounds quite shrill. it sounds quite loudly if i'm approaching anything like a bread counter and or french fancy oh really that starts ringing i am

king of the bargains to the point where my wife doesn't really like it if i do the food shop because i come back with lots of stuff with yellow and orange stickers on it saying oops eat me now basically the closer something is to free and poisonous or off then the more likely i am to buy it no i'm i'm with you on that oh i love a reduced pork pie on the way home from a supermarket shop love it yeah i am i tell you what i enjoy in the supermarket is um i i would have loved i was obsessed with the Wild West as a child. And that time when people went out there, you know, they'd just gone in wagons and they bravely went out to find some land and somewhere to live and somewhere they could farm,

take on a new life, to try and tame the wilderness, you know, great, courageous pioneer spirit. And when I put up the second food separator on the conveyor belt, you know, the other person will often put one. When I put the second food separator on the conveyor belt, you know, the other person will often put one. When I put the second food separator, you know, the purchase separator, so you've got the... I think I stand at the one I've just put down and look to the other and think, all this is mine.

I love your sort of frontier building. Yeah, I don't see it as... I'm calling it a liberator more than a separator. Some people, they see it as a negative thing, you know, that's where my stuff stops, you know, but I see it as you know, this land is your land, this land is my land.

It's like that. But, Frank, there are rules surrounding that separator. I don't like it when people touch my separator. No, well, you've mentioned this to me before, never on air. But yes, it sets my teeth on edge. Frank, you know what I mean. I don't like it. No, I hate a bedroom prankster in general.

No! Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. So there was a survey that reckoned, right, one in five Britons think that um fictional characters are real so people think that i think people like sherlock holmes and miss marble and black had her as well they think they're real people they were real people from history who have merely been presented in fiction rather than just made up all together is that the same as when people go up to people from east enders and go i think it's disgusting what you're doing is that the same as when people go up to people from EastEnders and go, I think it's disgusting what you're doing. Is that the same thing? Can I just find out that people don't do that?

They do. No. One of the great popular lies is people from soap operas saying, yeah, you know, I had one come up to me in the supermarket, so you lay off that, dear. Total lie. Never happened. It does happen.

No, it doesn't happen. Don't make me tell you how I know, but I do. It's a rumour put around by soap stars to suggest they're such good actors that the people have felt that they are absolutely real. Bill Roach, apparently, Willera Rocher, gets very angry about it. And he fears, it's said,

he subscribes three firm strokes of the cane. I think Emily's got an interesting story she might tell us about a soap actor. No, just I do know that that does happen to... I don't believe you. Well, I'll tell you afterwards how I know. People come up to me and say, oh, you're such an idiot.

And I'm... No, that is just real. I've confused myself with a fictional character. We're talking about people like Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, some people think that Sherlock Holmes not is real, but was real, presumably. I watched Family Fortunes once, and the question was, name someone whose existence has never been proved, but who people still believe in. And these two women, a younger woman and an older woman,

went up to the... You know when you have to hit the counter to get it? And he said, right, so someone whose existence has never been proved, but who people still believe in. And this woman went, Hitler! And he said, no, I think he did exist. And the old woman still hadn't hit the buzzer. Anyway, she hit the buzzer.

There's no need to hit the buzzer. She hit the buzzer and she said, a driving licence. Well, turns out she was answering something you'd find in a woman's handbag from the previous question. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I've spent much of this week, I must say, watching, and I'm going to own up to this, watching I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Oh, love it. You know, Freddie Star got so ill that he had to go home. Was it as a result of the Bish Tuck trial?

Well, they said he had a severe allergic reaction. And then a spokesman for the show said, he probably just, like, brushed against some leaves in the jungle or he leaned on some bark that he's reacted to. And I thought, hold on, you're just smedding me a pig's bottom and some other things I don't feel I can even mention on the radio and you think he might have leaned against some bark to make him he famously ate a hamster of course Freddie but I don't know if you've seen him on this show he looks like he might have also ate the family who owned it and the semi-detached house that they lived in he's packing some pounds wow he's a big

machine he's a big unit. I've only seen him in pictures, but I do like the idea that he ate the... Is it like the greasy spoon or something that they had? They called it a massive meal and he just shoveled the whole lot down. He did, but in an incredible, arrogant way. Yeah. And he said of the other guy who's from...

Oh, Mark Wright. He said, yeah, you know, he put spray tan cream on his face. He had no chance. 20 minutes later, he's in hospital. I feel a bit like that at one of those all-you-can-eat buffers. I feel like that's how I'd be going at it. But it was...

He was horrible. Ready soft. Fabulously horrible. He was. It's a shame he's gone. It is. I'll miss him. Willie Carson as well. i think he could deliver yes how are you finding him he has very pert breasts i've noticed willie carson i mean i thought he could do a bit of a hoist up most people are looking at this

woman from the real hustle but i can't take my eyes off willie carson they have that cute like french 60s actress kind of look to them. What's he wearing under that? Oh, I tell you, but they aggravate a T-shirt big time. Yeah. That's, er, he really is something else. And, I love, he's still got, there's a bit where he's, they had to sit on this thing and he's, with his tiny legs,

his tiny white sort of... Oh, he's small, isn't he? Like doll's legs hanging down. Oh, man, it was... He's my favourite, as Bruce would say. Can I ask another I'm a Celebrity question? Please do. Lorraine Chase, who, I don't know, is maybe in her 60s now?

She's 60, actually. Okay, Lorraine Chase. Still, you know, she looks... Anyway. Yeah, she looks fine. Her specialist, not specialist, luxury item was a teddy bear. And I thought, well, I'd be a bit afraid of sleeping in the same jungle camp as a 60-year-old with a teddy bear,

because I think this is, we're all going to gonna wake up murdered if you can wake up murdered but then i started to think about i still have uh my own teddy bear little ted from my from my childhood which actually belonged to our nora before me it's quite an old teddy bear and And I don't coddle him anymore, but he's sitting on a shelf. And I thought I wouldn't want to do any damage to little Ted, you know what I mean? Although I know in my heart of hearts it's an inanimate object, I couldn't bring myself

to throw it up the wall, for example. And then I thought, could I do that to any teddy bear? And then I asked myself, could I lay a teddy bear on a chopping board and knock a nail through its face and i thought to myself you know what i couldn't do it even though i know it's just you know cotton and or even synthetics i could not knock a nail through a teddy bear's face and to me that's how you judge whether you're civilized or not chris rock he's he's gone what's happened to him looks different looks really different looks

terrible look as it looks if like he's a he's literally a ghost of his former self he needs to cut down on the fags as well who is chrissy rock Rock? Yeah, I've been wondering that. I don't know. I think... She could knock a nail through her face and think nothing of it. That's one of the weird contradictions, isn't it, of how you decide how civilised you are. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

Tremendous news this morning. I'm wearing a singlet. Yeah? Yeah, I don't ever wear a singlet. Someone gave me one. I'm going to show it. Oh, I'm bummed, why don't you? i wore a cherub vest when i was about four but i don't think i've worn one since then why have you gone for the singlet well um it's i can't tell you because i i something happened to me yesterday which left me a little sore me too me too but anyway let's not go into that because you are a signet.

Signet would be quite a nice name for someone who hasn't got a partner, wouldn't it? It's done already, I love it. Isn't that very clever? Okay, marvellous. Or unless, if Natalie Portman became a signet, well, of course she'd be a signet. Oh. God, I'm absolutely on fire this morning. Can you smell that? Oh, no, it's the control desk. Help.

Can you still get a string vest? Oh, very much so. Can you? I mean, to be worn underneath rather than to be worn on Strictly Come Dancing. Oh, I see what you mean. No, they're more of a fashion look. They're not often worn under shirts these days,

but you're still doing it. I like you for that. Yeah, I don't. Oh, I don't like that. Big fashion news, string vests out. I don't know, I sort of associate them with violence at home.

Yes, I know what you're going to say. Anyway, let's brighten things up, although I've had terrible news this morning. Poirot has been pulled. Oh no. Poirot's been pulled. I'm going to write a sort of Bob Dylan. Poirot's been pulled. Oh no. Puerro's been pulled. I'm going to write a sort of Bob Dylan. Puerro's been pulled. Broken

my heart. Puerro's been pulled. I'm falling apart. I'm Mrs Vestas and his accent's so fine. Puerro's been pulled and I'm losing my mind. Can you believe I just made that up? You can. Many

people can. If it was a different kind of show, I'd want to give you a round of applause. It was so good. I'm glad for that. It just fell off me like windfall fruit falling from a tree. And some of it was a bit brown and squidgy, I think you'll have noticed.

Now, I knew the lady, well, I still know the lady who did make-up for David Suchet. Oh. How long does it take to put a false moustache on? Well, I think there was other stuff, but that was the main. She used to have to, that had like a special travelling case, like a flight case for Poirot's moustache. And she'd try on him, you know, in his various, try a few on him, I think. I think there was a few of them. Like Skippy.

I think there was 12 Skippys. They used to travel in knotted sacks in the backs of vans. Cruel in those. You couldn't get away with it nowadays. They have to have two keepers for Burrow's moustache. But anyway, you had to try a few on him. And it was a sort of sushi and sea approach. And at the end of the last run

he gave her an enormous moustache like about four foot across horrible present yeah no but

it was like it was made out of card and he'd signed it and all that thank you for looking after my moustache very self referential isn't it

I think it's a beautiful story well apparently he only speaks in a French accent, doesn't he, on set? I don't know how well he can speak French, so it's just the accent. Yeah. But if he goes to the catering truck, he says, I will have the amandouille. I mean, you can't talk to him in normal voice.

Oh, no, I can't cope with that. No. That method stuff. No? No, I find that a bit... Frank, we've had quite a good text in. Frank, if Natalie Portman wore a singlet, would it be a swan vesta? Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.

Earlier on in the show, I said that I'd had a text in, and the subject line was fat women, which alarmed me somewhat. It turned out to be from Amanda Taunton. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I've just heard on the Absolute News that Britain has the fattest women. Thank God I live in Australia. And by the way, you just finished off the bread and butter pudding. So there was actually some headline today.

Did you guys see that? Yeah. And we're fat, apparently. There's an obesity crisis amongst British females. Yeah, I didn't need to read that in the paper just walked down the high street it's a knockout out there isn't it blimey he strikes straight in the cockerel

all I care about he doth crow all I care about is that he said out there that's all I care about that's true absolutely is it true? but you say that That's all I care about. Oh, that's true. That's true. Absolutely. Well, I don't know. Is it true?

But you say that. But what about WFW has been in the news? Who's that, Frank? Oh, that's the world's fattest woman. Good boy. I thought that was that De Klerk guy. Yes, but this is quite a happy story. Is she in any way tied in with BFM? Who's the regular character i sincerely

hope not britain's fattest man we should yeah no but he no longer alex he should have his own radio station just call bfm for britain's fattest man he'd be all right as well as you could just wheel him from microphone to microphone carry on on. She's Pauline Potter. BFM is Paul Mason, or Paul Masson, as I like to call him. OK. Pauline Potter weighs... That's the right name for the world's fattest woman, isn't it? Pauline Potter. It just sounds right.

She can't even potter. She can't get out of bed anymore. Can't potter about? Oh, yeah, that's good. I don't feel that sorry for her because this was a target of hers she's um i believe she's 50 stone 52. yeah and she she did that she took that on herself well apparently it's made her relationships back on track her ex-husband says he can't resist her now he says she's dynamite in bed well i don't know if she's dynamite in bed. Well, I don't know if she's dynamite. More like napalm.

He said, I'm desperate to be her lover and caretaker again. Which I thought was quite strange romantic. Does he get one of those brown overalls? Yeah, he's a caretaker. Oh, dear. My dad was a school caretaker. We couldn't move for I sell toilet paper and Ajax.

And neither can her ex-husband. No, I shouldn't think so. Apparently, one of her move for I sell toilet paper and Ajax. And neither can her ex-husband. No, I shouldn't think so. Apparently, one of her legs weighs more than he does. Yeah. How did they, if he were made of gold? How well do you know someone where you can say, I'll tell you what,

shall we, Pauline, what about we weigh one of your legs tonight? She was alright with that. What about one of your legs tonight? She was alright with that. What about one of your upper arms? Come on, get that on. Hold on, let's get a pen and paper. We'll do you in sections. And then we'll add it up and see if they come to 52 stone.

What if they don't? That'll be bizarre. That's the kind of fun they have at home. He's 11 stone, the husband. He's 11 and she's 52. Does he call her his other half? Or does he call her his other 5'6"? I have to change the fraction. Frank

Frank Skimmer Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Oh, anyway, what else? Well, I'll tell you what else. I've had, you know, I, I'll tell you what else. I've had... You know, I've moved out of my old place,

staying with friends. Celebrity friends. Yeah, staying with celebrities, SWC, on the census form. We already established that. It's my box of choice. But obviously, I've bought somewhere, and I'm waiting for it all to go through. I should say that Emily's staying with Duncan Norvell.

Chase me, fam. I once saw a poster for a Duncan Norvell show about three or four years ago and it said, Duncan Norvell, TV star of the 70s. I thought, oh, no. I'm not staying with Duncan. Can you imagine if I was? People think I am now. Anyway, I found the place that I want, and it's lovely.

So what I'm doing, Frank, is preparing, you know, before the big move, making some little key purchases, items I want. Also, I've got a little garden area, which I haven't had before. I know, I know. Frank! Sorry, what? It's my first sort of patch. It's my first...

Yes. It's the first time I patch. It's my first... Yes. It's the first time I've had a little patch. Yes. We're never going to get through this. No, no, no, come along. And it's concrete. You know, I hate sleeping in the concrete patch. I don't know about you.

Even the producers lost it. So, but it's a small area, Frank. Yeah. It's not a big area. No. Stop it, though. This is going to... I'm not trying to do this.

I'm explaining. It's a small area. So, but, you know, what I want is the odd plant. You want to spruce it up a bit? Yeah, I do. But is it concrete? If it's concrete... Well, when I say concrete, what I mean is in a really beautiful, like it, sort of oriental

garden, that sort of thing. It's got those slates you know those slates yes oh no it's not some inner city thing it's very pleasant looking but it's small so i need someone just to come in maybe once a month do a bit of tending but older if it's that small surely can't you do it no absolutely not. I think it's quite trendy. I think it could fit with your... I think I saw in the... I did Alan Titchmas this week and they were advertising Armani kneeling pads. Oh, I don't want to get those.

They come in handy. I mean, you're going to... I presume there'll be a housewarming party. Anyway. So, anyway, so it means... I thought what I'll get, Frank, is a man to come in once a month, maybe. Every three to four weeks.

You know, just an odd job man. That's what I'm looking for, essentially, an odd job man. So I asked a friend who recommended someone. I found the perfect man. He's brilliant. He said, great. He's just left his old job. So he's got... You know, he's ready to start. I said, great. Well, who is he? Is he going to's just left his old job. So he's got, you know, he's ready to start. I said, great.

Well, who is he? Is he going to have time to do it? Who is he working for before? U2. U2's gardener. Hold on. U2 don't all live together, do they? No, but he looked after quite a few of them independently, I think.

Oh, I had a lovely feeling that they all lived in a house with a garden. But Frank, he's going to tell... With a big spider. You know the big spider? Like a big spider greenhouse that they all go in frank i can't have you two it's going to turn up with some big chris ewbank tractor uh uh coming up the street it's quite exciting that'd be you won't be cheap you i mean well this is what i don't have that kind of money i have those kind of tastes i don't have that kind of money no he'll be good he'll be good at the edging. Oh, Gareth. Absolutely fabulous. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner.

We were in a cafe after the last show, and the Cockrell's family turned up. Mrs Cockrell and Cockrell Jr, who I've sort of christened CJ as the child in Dallas. Yeah. So anyway, he got his soldiers out, didn't he, Cockrell Jr.? Yeah, he's got some little toys. I think his current batch were Iron Man, tiny Iron Man action figures.

I mean, I think of an action figure of being, what, seven or eight inches in stature? These were, what, two inches max. And the nice thing about it is he gave me soldiers, and I was on the opposite side of the table and I started playing with them and I'm thinking maybe I should involve the child a little bit more after, say, 20 minutes. I had a total flashback to when I used to play with Thai soldiers.

When I say Thai soldiers, they were rarely soldiers. When I played with them, they were actually cowboys and what we used to call Indians. Oh, yeah. Of course, they weren't Indians, but cowboys and Native Americans. Well, that wasn't in our vocabulary. I noticed his Iron Man, the helmet come off and

they had the proper Tony Stark goatee. There was details. Anyway, I used to have these long... I think I was quite a lonely child, looking back. I used to have these long... Oh, I used to play... I think I was quite a lonely child, looking back. I used to get, like, a couple of cowboys. I always used to go over the sink, for some reason. I felt the sink was partially my area.

Right. Yeah. I was a serial vomiter as a child. And you don't want that around soft furnishings. A lot of children play in their bedroom. You opted for the sink. He played in his sink. I couldn't play ins. A lot of children play in their bedroom. You opted for this. I couldn't play. It was bitterly cold in my bedroom. We used to get ice on the inside of our windows in the bedroom.

And you had our Keith sleeping off a hangover often. Well, yeah. And our Terry. And our Terry. There was a time they were both heavy drinkers and the three of us was in the same room. I couldn't lift that bocky. Anyway.

So let's cut to you in the scullery with the soldiers. Yeah, so I'd have the cowboy. I might have three or four cowboys standing around in a circle and then we'd just have long conversations. No action at all. With me saying things like, I mean, very, what I thought was like general cowboy parlance I walked into Cactus

yes they they're a hazard I doubt there's any doubt about that for hours sort of cowboy coffee morning exactly you gonna ride out to Tombstone later on I don't know you

know it's been very dry the weather of late and i find that there's a lot of dust coming up off the trail it really gets on my chest i don't know about you it was like that and also there was for hours oh and also i have to confess to, there was little or no integration. Oh. My Red Indian soldiers, they'd have their own separate sessions where they talked about, in a similar mundane fashion, in a black country accent, about things like, ah, the central strut on my teepee. Does it look very safe? They didn't do much fighting then.

No, no. Very... I don't remember them ever fighting, actually. I think they were too deeply ensconced in general chit-chat. Segregation and coffee morning. It sounds like you were a sort of scriptwriter in waiting, cos that would build the tension, wouldn't it? That's like... That's almost like modern films, isn't it?

It was like an art house. There must be a fight coming soon, because, look, they're discussing the banal. No, there isn't. And I had a Johnny West figure, and he was like an action man version, but a cowboy. So he was... He used to sit with the others.

He was, in scale, he would have been like 20 foot tall. Right. And his size was never mentioned i'll say that for him tell me about it so i was able to i was able to mix it but it really took me back i i could happily now sit and play with um thai cowboys and indians for a couple of hours on my own. Well, that was evident. Yeah, and who's to say that I don't? Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. As you know, I've always been slightly affronted that I wasn't hacked. Were you not hacked?

No, I took it as an almighty slap in the face. And I've never felt that more keenly than this week when Anne Diamond stepped into the dock. And I thought, well, they couldn't be bothered to hack my phone but they were queuing up to find out the general tittle-tattle of Anne Diamond. I thought, how long has this phone hacking

been going on? It's been going on since before there were mobile phones is all I can... And then she gets up and she does that thing that Richard and and judy does it describes herself as a journalist you know people who are a bit sort of uh tv souffle type people just you know tv presenters don't call yourself journalists as if you're hard-hitting out there in the war zone instead of doing something about a multioloured bus stop in Warwick.

But it did remind me, because she's up there giving her views as if she's, you know, very authoritative. She wore a chunky knit, I seem to recall. Yes, she did. Did she wear a chunky knit in court? Yeah, I think she might have, yeah. Oh, OK.

But there she is giving her evidence and people making notes and all being taken seriously. It's only about, I bet, 12 months that she was in the Daily Mail saying that a ghost had tried to sell her a house. Is that right? So Anne Diamond is looking for houses a few years back and turns up at this place with her mum. Old lady lets her in, says,

have a look round, help yourselves. They have a wander round. They like it. Anne's thinking possibly putting in an offer. Go, love, we'll see how it goes. They come back to see, can't find the little old lady. So they're wandering around the house, they go into the living room, they sit down,

and say, well, that's a bit weird, we don't have the keys, we can't even lock up when we go. And then the mother says to Anne, Anne, and then Diamond says, yes. She says, there was no furniture when we came in, what are we sitting on? And they realise they were sitting on an enormous coffin. No.

In the middle of the living room. So they become distressed. And dash out the house, phone the estate agent, well, you would, and said, you know, what's going on? I'm curious he wasn't there in the first place, but never mind. The estate agent said, that's impossible, because I've got the keys to that house, and the old lad who lived there died some, what, some three weeks gone.

Was it a dark and stormy night? Some three weeks gone. Was it John Lennon's archaic language? She was found lying on the living room floor, exactly where the coffin had been. Oh, no way. So not only was she a ghost, but she had a ghost coffin as well. Right.

You know what I think? Ghost would. I think Anne and her mum were going to view a house and they popped the Wetherspoons on the way. You can't say that. You can't say that about Anne Diamond. I can if I want. I mean, if you think a ghost has showed you round her house,

you've started early, that's what I say. Well, as it turns out, I've actually hacked Ann Diamond's phone. So we can just make this... Hello, Mum. Hello, Ann. Look, I haven't been in the paper for about four years. I wonder if you'd back me up on a story. Oh, what is it this time? Well, it's a sort of a ghost trying to sell me a house.

What do you think? Oh, for goodness sake! That's all I got, but I think the evidence is there. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio!