The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Not The Weekend Podcast: 14th December 2011

Episode Date: December 13, 2011

Frank, Emily and Laura discuss strange hotels, namesakes and cakeage.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio. Oh, just imagine that you're in a little cosy log cabin, all tucked in, all cosy in your bed,

and lovely and warm as a log fire in the hearth. And outside you can hear the wind whistling and the trudging of strangers going through the cold, cold night. But we're all nice and lovely and toasty in here. That's how it is in the Absolute Radio studios, as we see it, as the cold weather rages outside. I'm Frank Skinner. Remember me? And I'm with Emily Dean and Laura Solon. One boy.

Go, Elvis. Two little girls. And he did go. And this is... He's no stranger to two little girls, either. Well, I've heard that. Not little. No?

No. Over the age. Not the weekend podcast is what this is. And it's lovely of you to download. I love a download. Oh. When you really want one. There's nothing better, is there?

Anyway. So, look, let me, I need your advice. Has that not cleared up? Now, I tell you what, I've been getting emails from a lady called Sue. Now, I know what it sounds like. It sounds like a mad fan thing, but I don't think this person

knows who I am. Because my email isn't in my Frank Skinner name. But I've received between 40 and 50 emails, all of which... 50? Yes, all of which have a combination of three different photographs,

four different photographs. Oh, God. Yes. There's a white outside table and chairs with what looks like a conch shell in the middle of the table, as if it might be used to call neighbours to a crisis. middle of the table as if it might be used to to call neighbors to a crisis and then there's a car port with a car like a sort of outside garage leaned to with a very small car much too small port is this lady american i think it's it's a kind of a white wooden house well she resides

in america it could it could be subo who knows well there's another picture of um yeah well she's called so it's possible and you did go back to her West Lothian abode once. I did, but that's... I don't know if she'd be capable of putting together an attachment of any kind. The other picture is a rickety white fence leading up to balcony doors. And the final one, the one that's featured most heavily, is a picture of Sue's, she has an illuminated plastic cactus. Of course she does. That wears a red Stetson. Why wouldn't she? Now I've received, just from a casual

glance through the emails I have and deleted from Sue, I can see this picture has been sent to me at least four times with the following subject titles on the email. What does it say? Gather ye round for this. And they are My Xmas Tree. What, the cactus? Yeah. Oh, that's a shame. And then My

Xmas Cactus. She got it right the second time. Yeah. No subject. I think she got it right the third time. Yeah? Yeah. No subject. I think she got it right the third time. And my particular favourite, here she is. Of the cactus? Yeah. As if it's something, when are you going to send me that cactus you've been telling me about?

Here she is. It's like Onassis' yacht or something. Yeah. And this is a terrible plastic cactus. But anyway, when she'd sent me about 30, I thought she obviously, the friend she's sending them to has got a name a bit similar to me, so we've probably got a similar address. That's what it is.

So I wrote to her and I said, I began, do you see, I am not your friend. Oh. Oh, I've begun getting emails like that, Frank. Yes. But I hope she didn't take that the wrong way, because there is a hint of Kathy Bates in misery to the photographs. Do you know what?

I just looked at them. I think at some point you're going to get a picture that shows an arm. Look, it's pictures to evidence of a crime. Like, it's going to be one of those things. They're sending pictures to you, and you're going to have to turn detective to work out what horrible thing has happened. There will be a severed arm

and the subject line will still be here she is. Yeah and then there'll be in the background you'll get a magnifying glass and see that a copy of your autobiography will be on the shelf at the back. I don't think she knows but who knows. I mean that Red Stetson could have a head in it.

For all I know. What did you say then? You said, I'm not your friend. I said, I'm not your friend. I don't think... These photos shouldn't be coming to me. Generally. I said, you need to check the address, you know. And I thought, that'll be enough.

And then I got all four photos in one document document saying um did you get them sorry they're not reaching you um did you get them this time and i thought no no i didn't say they weren't reaching me i said they were reaching me and if they weren't reaching me how could i have possibly emailed you to say that they weren't i wouldn't have even known you'd sent them so you think sue is of a certain age. I'm imagining that... I mean, I don't know anything about Sue apart from her... Cactus.

Her conch and her cactus. Yeah. Well, that's all you need to know about a woman. But I think, yeah, I know what you mean about the severed arm. Yeah. I think it could be one of those American stories when she's had her idiot brother working as a slave

for her and he's died and she hasn't got the heart to bury him. Which she can't afford to. And now he's in nine Tesco bags under the carport, if they have Tesco out there. And an illuminated cactus. I don't know, what else can I say to her?

Well, she probably thinks she's sending them to her friend again, but why didn't she stop when the friend didn't respond for 30 emails? I think she just thinks they're not getting through. There must be another reason for sending 50 emails of the same pictures. Here are some pictures of my home. I'd get legal on this. Do you think? Yeah. It could be some kind of weird virus that's reading your computer hard drive and stealing your personal information. Really?

I don't know. I'm just saying things. Oh, no, I'm worried. I imagine the police showing me this picture of this middle-aged woman with, you know, half-bald, holding up her blood-covered knife. With a plaster over one. And the detective saying, here she is. Here she is.

If you get one with a subject line, hey, Mr. Man, I would panic then. Why? Because that's what Kathy Bates used to say in Misery. Oh, does she? If there's a picture of a ceramic penguin facing due south... Yeah, I'll...

Yeah. I'll just presume that's from you. The conch is ceramic. I've looked at these, Frank, and I tell you what, nice car. Do you think? I mean, if you weren't attached, and happily so, it could do worse. Maybe she's trying to meet a man.

Yeah, but that might not be her car. That'll be the car of someone who's stopped asking where the garage, the nearest garage is. She said, it's through here in my basement. Come here, I'll direct you. Put your head on this. Anyway, anyway, that's my current... I can't look at my inbox she sent me a recent

most recent was it's snowing in the azmuts which i think could be arizona mountains maybe and it's a video that lasts i would say maybe it's some terrible euphemism, Frank. Well, the video lasts about 0.8 of a second, I would say. I haven't watched the video. I think it was supposed to be a photo and she's pressed the video. There's a very sharp move and it's gone. And a hint of snow, no more. A powdering. We've got American listeners, so who knows? Maybe someone who knows.

We can't say her name. I don't want to say her surname. No, that's not all that. If you know someone called Sue who's got an illuminated cactus and a conch on a table. Yes. Yes, if she's got... Anyway, enough of that. It's been nagging at me.

What else? I'll tell you what else. Laura has been... I'd go surprised to say she's been boasting, Frank. I've not been boasting. I've just discovered... Oh, this is Laura Town, isn't it? I've just discovered, to my not insubstantial pleasure,

that there is a town called Solon in Ohio, the States. Over in the States. Over in the States. And just so you know, anyone who might run into Frank, he loves people that say the States. No, no, I really don't. And so I was looking and I've become quite a fan, quite a regular visitor to its homepage, Solon, Ohio. And it has an active stream recycling program. I don't know what that is, but it sounds positive.

It has a deer problem. It has curbside leaf collection for 2011. We'll run from October through mid-December. Is a deer problem a problem that it holds very close to its heart? No, it's actually an animal problem. They have to cull deer. But I'm wondering, if I lived in Solon, Ohio, would that make my life better?

Because they'd think you were one of the founding... They'd think I owned it. Because you could go around lording it. Yeah, I'd be like, this is my town. That's the way it worked in America in those days, isn't it? Luckily, I read this deposition. Well, people would just... They'd just establish a town and name it after themselves.

It became a city on the 6th of December in 1860, so it's recently started. Oh, it's a city? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was some tiny place. No, but there is a place called Skinner Town in Polk County, Texas. I like the sound of it so far. That sounds rather redneck. Yeah, that sounds kind.

It's not a place you should visit. There'll be a lot of people with bloodhounds and pickup trucks there your elbow will get bitten by a very angry pig that'll be the sort of place where the bloke gets into the pickup truck to go out and his dog just jumps in the back without having to be told yeah and his wife i love that yeah yeah that'd be um poke county poke county i remember there's a place i I think it's called Lesoto County, and it's where Jerry Lee Lewis lived for a while. And Jerry Lee Lewis, the great rock and roll singer,

I don't know if you're aware of this, but there was rumours that he might have killed his wife. Oh, dear. In fact, two of them. One drowned in a... He had two wives that died? Yes. One of them drowned in the swimming pool, I think, if I remember rightly.

And they said in court, is it not true that the night before you'd said you wouldn't be happy until she was at the bottom of the river? And Jerry Lee Lewis said, yes, but if I'd have meant swimming pool, I'd have said swimming pool. It's a great defence. And I think the other one committed, forgive me if I'm wronging Jerry Lee here but I think she took an overdose of sleeping tablets but she took them in an unusual way in that she ground them into powder

and mixed them up with her coffee that's like Sarah's doing to you I think that might be right but anyway I saw a thing about this and they interviewed a bloke who was from the Lesotho County Justice Department. And obviously Jerry Lee Lewis is a massive hero there,

and the guy said, well, they're going to convict Jerry Lee Lewis in Lesotho County. He's going to have to do a lot more and kill a couple of wives. Perfect. Just kill a couple of wives. Yeah, so that's what I'm imagining. Poke counties. You've got Skinner Town, you've got... I've got the Forest of Dean.

Forest of Dean? Have you still got that? I thought that went years ago. There's been some deforestation. It is an area of outstanding natural beauty. Well, I've heard that. Lovely. Is there a deer problem? Much visited. It's one of the most popular tourist attractions. Is it National Trust? I think it's English Heritage. Yes. I was. There's

no littering. I went on a road trip once across America, and we stopped at this very small town, and there was this waitress. It was a sort of girl, a youngish girl, attractive, in a kind of, you know, lives in a mobile home kind of way, God bless her. And she said, after a while, she came up to Tam, and she said, so, what do you guys do? And one of the blokes said, she came up to Tam and she said, so what do you guys do?

And one of the blokes said, well, he's on television and stuff in England. She said, you're on television? She said, oh, I know some celebrities. I had a one-night stand with Al Kilmer. We'd been speaking to her for like a minute and a half and uh i just you know i said i'm eating yeah this is the only way yes one night stand with val kilmer i would i would have done in earlier years i don't think he's aged that well no no well i mean he had he married he's a bit of a good-time innkeeper.

Yeah, he is. He's had some good time. And that will take its toll on your looks. Yeah, that will make you look lived-in, if you've had a good time. Yes. There's no room at the lived-in. Yeah.

No room at the premier inn. Never let that be said. No, you have to book online, that's why. You can't just turn up. Yeah. Anyway, enough of that. So, you have to book online. That's why. You can't just turn up. Yeah. Anyway, enough of that. So do you think you'll ever go? Because you spend some time in America.

Are you not tempted to go to Seoul? I am very tempted just to take tons of photographs of myself. And I then was Googling the town. And there's lots of headlines about Solon wins again in the basketball league. And I thought, I could, you you know put these up around my home be a friend of the town and then if i turn up i would expect i'm my head i expect a lot of people will be impressed by the fact i bet there's so long living there i met them maybe so long

living there sounds like some star trek i believe the solons have inhabited this planet i bet you get great stickers though and t and T-shirts with Solon on them. There's a pub called the Rusty Bucket. I bet I'd get a free beer in there if I walked in. Yeah. I'd say, my name's Solon, and they'd be like, wow, so's our town. I know, that's why I'm here. Do it.

Can I have a house, please? Can I be mayoress? Please go and then come back and tell us about what happened next I'd be so excited about that I think it's a

one off documentary series and maybe you'll stay in an odd hotel about that for a link well it's funny you should be

mentioning hotels Frank because I've had one of my unfortunate experiences yes you know you sometimes have one of your falls as you say I've had one of my unfortunate experiences yes yes you know you sometimes have one of your falls as you say i've had one of my unfortunate experiences no i love it when this happens well i know you do um i took my mother away uh it's lovely i love girls who still hang

out with their mothers it's a nice thing to do it is it's beautiful and um i decided we'll go for a girl's weekend so the only stipulation she had is i do want to watch strictly come dancing darling on saturday i said fair enough yeah who wouldn't yeah we can set aside the four hours necessary finished yeah exactly it's just the one show this i'm not going to name and shame it um but it's let's say it's a five-star hotel it's a very posh hotel so you know i was full of expectation i often am yeah quite right the the auspices went slightly awry from the beginning frank when they showed us to our room we'd obviously booked a twin room there were two of us showed us showed us this woman showed us to the and she said there was one very small bed in it. I said, oh dear, there are two of us.

She went, yes, I know. I said, yeah, there are two of us, though. Was it Nancy Delolia? She wasn't dissimilar in some ways. I said, there are two of us. She went, yes, I know, but this room nicer. I said, I don't care. I said, I want two beds, please. Of course.

So around, I ended up saying, I don't want to I said, I want two beds, please. Of course. So, around, Jude, I ended up saying, I don't want to sleep with a 70-year-old. Oh, you've changed. Oh, dear. My mother said, I'm not being rude, but I don't really want to share a bed with you either, darling. Why don't you just say you don't want to share a bed with my mother? Why do you have to specify age?

Well, I just thought it was... Well, you're right, actually. It sounds better as an argument, if you're generalising. Yes, darling. Why don't you just say I don't want to show up over my mother? Why do you have to specify age? Well, I just thought it was... Well, you're right, actually. But I just... It sounds better as an argument if you're generalising. Yes, exactly. It suggests that you have certain rules.

Did you say it aloud so other people would hear it? Yes, I did. The door was ajar in the corridor. So how did they resolve? So anyway, so we had this furious argument.

She wouldn't let it lie, the woman. She said, we took decision. It's a nicer room. So I said, look, I'd rather be in the horrible part of the hotel, which you're now making me imagine it's horrible. Yes. I said, let's go there.

So we went after some duration. We went to the horrible part of the hotel, watched Strictly come dancing. We booked a table at about half eight for dinner. I rung downstairs just to check our tables ready. What? I'm just checking our tables ready for 8.30. There's no dinner tonight.

Why was she doing both jobs? I don't know. They all had a similar accent. Oh, this is not the same woman. This is another woman. Okay. Not faulty town. She said, Manuel, there's no dinner.

I said, what do you mean? She went, the kitchen exploded. And then the phone went dead. Oh. So I said, the kitchen's exploded. So I rung down again, furiously. Oh, my God the kitchen's exploded. So I rung down again, furiously. Oh my God, you should have seen me. I rung down again.

I said, I'm trying to find out what's happened to my dinner reservation tonight. She said, there's gas explosion. I said, well, what am I going to do? She said, there's nice places down the road. She was advising me to go exit the hotel. So I hope you put some very strongly worded feedback comments on the slip

in the hotel book binder i'm afraid i then got nasty i'm surprised it's taken this long you got your gun yeah i'd have thought you'd have gone nasty quite early i got very nasty um she then well she relented she said, I can do pastries in the lobby. Carbs in a lobby? She's bragging. That's my idea of Hades. That's low level. Pastries in the lobby, I know, I know.

Pastries in the lobby, it's not the same. I can do pastries in the lobby. That's not good for dinner, Frank. I'm sorry. That's not a dinner. Especially if you were taking your mum and wife for a special treat. Well, then there was a posh restaurant next door to the hotel. I said, do you know what?

I like starting it with, do you know what? That gives them a sense of what's to come. I said, do you know what? If I were you, I'd arrange for us to have dinner at that restaurant and I'd pay for it. Oh, clever. And they did. Did they?

Yes. A lot of people... I ordered champagne, Frank. Did you order champagne? Oh, God, you twisted the knife. Yeah. Did you order the cheese ball, which was five pounds extra? I think that's brilliant.

See, I think I'm a pretty good complainer, but I don't know if I... I certainly wouldn't have ordered the champagne. I don't drink, just ordered it and left it. Yeah, left it to go warm. Opened it, left it to go flat and warm. Let it go flat. Well, the next morning I woke up, they'd slipped a bill through the door for the meal. Are you kidding me?

Did you go down in your dressing gown? I was tapping again. I said, excuse me. I felt so exhausted from our deal. It was like being in a... You know when a long-term relationship's gone very sour and all you do is row? Yeah.

That's what it felt like. Oh, no, you didn't. But don't these places fear those websites where people rate hotels they fear a bad review so i thought these days it meant hotels are better at dealing with customers well i was able to i actually stormed out in the end i was able to say mother we're leaving which felt quite anthony perkins and psycho that's my life's it that's that's very funny it's uh those i find if the worst the hotel i stay in the more likely is that they're they are to have a coffee table book that says the world's greatest hotel just to rob it in yeah the way you could have stayed yeah just think

just think what this could have been like if you were in marrakesh and you get the wine do you ever get the wine trap oh what's the wine it's they put, they'll put wine in like an ice bucket with a slight hint that it's a complimentary bottle. Oh, and then... Oh, do they do that today? Yeah, and then you drink it and then it's on your bill and they say, oh, no, no, no, we'll just put it there. Oh, when you get to the room, you mean? Yes. Yes.

I've had it with water or something. I've had it where the water bottles are on the bedside tables. Yeah, the large water bottles. It can't be in the minibar if it's on the bedside table, but it is. And they charge you £17. The minibar is just an abstract concept. It's not about that little safe. It's the whole room is a minibar.

I hate that. I stopped in a B&B in Southend once with a woman called Mrs Bacon. Oh, she asked... What, was that your plus one, or was that the atelier? No, no, she was the... The that your plus one or was that the tellier? No, no, she was the... The good timing keeper. She was the good lady there. And I don't know if she was a good timing keeper.

I think she was... I can't explain what happened. I arrived with my girlfriend at the time and we checked in with Mrs Bacon. I gave my name, etc. We chatted generally about this and that, the way you do. And then we went up to our room. And it was quite a new relationship.

So we were lying on the bed, snogging. Almost immediately we got into the room. At which point, we'd been in the room, I'd say, four minutes. The door burst open. There was Mrs Bacon. She was holding a frying pan. No, she was standing there. Don there was Mrs Bacon. Was she holding a frying pan? No, she was standing... Don't stereotype Mrs Bacon.

She was standing there with a couple and the man was carrying a suitcase. Oh, dear. And she said, what are you doing in here? And I said, well, we just checked in about five minutes ago. I remember she looked and went, name? I said, we just checked in about four minutes ago.

It was like Memento with Guy Pearce, that she can only remember things in minute time slots. It was terrifying. And the couple looked embarrassed. I was flushed for so many reasons. And Mrs Bacon relented and went. And I remember I went and did a gig that night at a place called Cliff's Pavilion,

and I came back with my girlfriend, and she made me do one of those things I only ever do in films, wedge a chair against the bottom of the door. Oh, in case Mrs Bacon... And then I had to search, like, under the bed and in the wardrobe to make sure Mrs Bacon wasn't around. I had to stay in a B&B in Devon when I was on tour,

and we got there, and first of all, there was no phone reception, which she hadn't told us. She'd given us the address, and it was called something like the Two Furs, and there was a postcode, and it was the second half of the thing just said, well, it's in this 50 square mile radius so we drive around for ages when i find this house we eventually get there and we

know that someone's in the house but they're not answering the door so we keep ringing on this doorbell for ages in the end we thought we'll go to the pub and then go back we came back rang on the doorbell again for 20 minutes eventually her teenage son answers the door and in that breathy voice like he's just been doing something energetic and suspicious it's all going to be caroline and we stayed and the other weird thing was that we had these two rooms and she gave us a list of what we had. We had to choose breakfast the night before and it was a sort of three-page form. We had to identify...

At least in Mrs Bacon you know what you stand. Exactly. Everyone knows what breakfast is. And just the whole concept of staying in someone's home, you're giving them money and you're staying there, but it really felt as if we'd, you know, interrupted. Yeah, you were intruded. I mean, she'd gone out for the evening.

She'd gone out with her friends to dinner. Oh, the fancy man, no doubt. Left her son in charge and said, whatever you do, answer the door. Don't do something suspicious in the piano room. This is what it must have been like for the young evacuees coming into the country from the cities during the war. I locked my door at night. So that's better than putting a chair in there.

Is that because of the young boy? The young boy, yeah. Yeah, he didn't want to get out. On a way of furious activity. I stayed in a place that had... It was owned by two middle-aged gay men and they had a room called the Shirley Bassey Room. They keep an immaculate guest house, I find,

for middle-aged gay men. Yes, they do. And the Shirley Bassey Room, we keep an immaculate guest house, I find. Yes, they do. And the Shirley Bassey room, we've got several pictures of Shirley, but also they had managed to persuade her when she was performing at a local theatre to come and have dinner at their expense in the Shirley Bassey room. And I said, how was she?

And they said she was very friendly at the beginning, but then towards the end of the evening, they said she got quite rude, but really that's what you want from a big star. Well, is it? Is it? I don't know well is it is it when you go to an indian restaurant and there's pictures of celebrities on the wall and so like the bnb was there a picture of her on the bed um no not on the bed but around in the shirley bassey room she was draped with i once went to an edinburgh pizza parlor and they had a picture of Frankie Valli on the wall.

And I said, oh, is that Frankie Valli? And the guy said, yeah, very nice man. And I said, I better unguess which pizza he had. And he said, I don't remember what he had. The Hawaiian. I said, no, I better unguess what pizza Frankie Valli... He said, I don't know, it was a long time ago. No, he wouldn't play your joke?

He wouldn't play, yeah. Anyone who doesn't get that joke, I suggest you could have a very lovely time in the pizza parlor in Edinburgh. I thought they would call a pizza after it in his honour. Yeah? Yeah. The Frankie Valli pizza.

Frankie Valli. I'm not going to say it, I'm not going to explain it I will not do a comedy footnote And the sloppy Giuseppe Oh I love a sloppy Giuseppe So Frank, I'd like to have a little moan about eating out Okay Oh there's always one

I thought you'd already had a little moan about eating out Carry on Oh, there's always one. I thought you'd already had a little bug about eating out, but carry on. Restaurants, apparently, are introducing a new system. I fear change sometimes. Yes. And basically, if you bring a cake along, you know people have that habit of they'll bring the cake for the birthday. Yes.

They're now thinking of, well, they have already started charging something called cakeage, which is like corkage. Yeah. But it means every person has to pay a small contribution towards their cake, even though the restaurant didn't provide it. Some £2, others, Laura Solon. Well, someone who attended a birthday party at a certain London restaurant was astounded to receive a charge of £60 for two birthday cakes

which was served as dessert. This is instead of you buying a restaurant dessert. I suppose this is where they put their logic and argument in. Instead of you buying their dessert, you've brought in one. And actually, someone put it rather succinctly. Is that one of the Daily Mail

contributors? You don't take your own food into Pizza Express and have an indoor picnic at their expense. Ten folks sharing a cake whilst pastry chefs fiddle is a similar situation. I like the idea. That sounds lovely. You've been out, doesn't it, with the pastry chefs fiddling

like a gypsy band. No, well, I have to say, I feel probably I should be on the side of the people, but I'm not really. I would never dream of taking my own food into a restaurant. I think if it's a fancy restaurant, isn't it a bit insulting as well? Anywhere. If you walk round, you know when you get the food bit in a market? Yeah. You get people who say, this is our seating, only sit here if you've shopped at the Pork Emporium.

So it's the norm. You don't take food into a different place. I find it a bit weird. I disagree very strongly. Do you? I feel this system has been in place for some years now. They can't just suddenly impose this tax, this stealth tax. Also, I don't like that they're charging

per slice. That's greedy. £7.41 restaurant for two uses of the knife. That's more than a hitman charges. £7.40 per person, is it? Yes. You see, I think they must calculate it on what, if you'd all put in,

what that would have cost. But you could get a kfc bucket for that yeah but you know what you're doing you're eating your own food and you're having the joy of eating out and you don't want to pay the extra bit i mean i i went out the other night and uh me and a couple of mates and on the next table was two very old men with two young Japanese girls and it was like having a cabaret we spent the entire it made the evening absolutely made the we talked about it all night we just thought it was the most hilarious thing we'd ever seen with a with a hint of horror and see if if we'd had to eat at home we wouldn't you won't get those kind of thrills so if you're going to eat in someone's place, you've got to pay for the privilege, surely.

No, I'm sorry, Frank, I don't agree with you. I think they're greedy. You. Restauranteurs. Well, this same restaurant, when I was leaving, you know you put your coat in the cloakroom and then you give them a tip for keeping your coat or something. Coatage. Coatage, yeah. And I always give a pound. I think a pound's a nice round figure.

So I got the impression, this is quite a posh restaurant, that a pound wasn't quite enough for the... So what the woman did, there was a plate with the tips on. Oh, I don't like that. I gave her the pound in her hand when she brought the coat, and she didn't put it in the plate. She put it on the side as if I'll put it in the plate when it's a big enough amount to bother to move across.

He probably gave that to me by mistake. I'll wait to see if he takes it back. Exactly. Well, put that down while you find the rest of the tip. I don't like the way they leave a little saucer for money because there's only ever about 50p in it. Oh, no, this is all this is all pounds and two pounds well also the the fragrant fragrance sprayers in the ladies as well there's

a lot of pressure with that you don't have any of this no but well they do have we do get the odd fragrance sprayer in these gents but i just i just put a brave face on it but they have cologne in the gents don't they in these high class but do you get these, you know, you get in night spots, you get a lady there with sweets, make-up, deodorant, all sorts. You're honestly going to accept sweets in a public lavatory. No. I mean, they must be laden with bacteria. Well, they should have a pick and mix next to the urinal.

They should have two urinals that aren't used as urinals. They've just got candy and you can help yourself on the way. I mean, you know, let's go the whole hog. I don't really go to the sort of places where people come over and hand you a paper towel and then expect a £2 tip for it. Well, in fact, thanks. Sophie Omogbokpu, whose work you're familiar with, was one such lady.

Yes, a woman who had an altercation with Cheryl Tweedy, I think we were talking at the time. Yeah, so I understand the cake-age thing. I don't think you should take your own food to a restaurant. That's rule number one in a restaurant. Rule number two, see if you can get next to the elderly men and Japanese young girls. It's like being at the theatre. It's like taking a book to the theatre, isn't it?

I just sat back and I thought, you I thought I know we mock the modern world and all that but you know the internet isn't it a brilliant thing it's brought these people together like this people from different sides of the planet different ages, different cultures here they are together living off each other like parasitic fish

I wonder what were they talking about I don't think they were talking living off each of the, like, parasitic fish. I wonder what they... What were they talking about? I don't think they were talking. No, the old men were talking and the girls were laughing and holding their hands over their mouths when they laughed. What were the old men saying? I think they were telling stories from... About their first wives. No, I think they were doing...

I think what it reminded me of, an Elvis Presley live album. You'd hear him say something not that funny and everyone in the band absolutely cracks up with laughter. And these blokes were saying stuff like, so, would you like maybe a steak? And the girls are going... And, like, you know, like he was doing a fantastic cabaret.

Oh, money. I know we knock it, but it can open doors. It makes magic, doesn't it? I believe it does. To anyone listening who doesn't have money, can we say that Absolute Radio is profoundly anti-capitalist? No commercials, I think.

Absolute Radio, with Frank Skinner.