The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Not the Weekend Podcast - 19/10/11

Episode Date: October 19, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun get domesticated, with chat about supermarket shopping, driving habits and dental floss.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio. We sit in a small basement studio in Golden Square, London.

Me and my two friends, Alan Cochran... ..and Emily Dean. And I... Hello, Fester Radio. Look at my two friends and think to myself, let us commence on another short journey in which we and our cyber-comedy chums go wandering into the wilderness.

Who knows what we may find? Yes, this is Not The Weekend podcast under the auspices of Absolute Radio. I loved that opening, Frank. It was quite peepsian. Thank you very much. I like that you're calling us your friends. We prefer cohorts. OK, I'll do cohorts.

You know, it's off the cuff, Black Country stuff. It is. It doesn't always come out perfect. I've seen videos like that, disgusting. Frank, we've had an email in, and I like it when they email in. Yeah. I like any sort of proof that we're being listened to. I like any sort of contact.

Yeah, I'm happy with a reference in the street, anything of that nature. I don't mean the street. I don't mean anyone saying, Jack, have you been listening to that Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio? That would be too much to hope for. This is from Beth, who says, Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. Long-time listener, first-time writer. Nice.

Just thought I'd tell you a story about my new life. About a month ago... Hold on, this is not a witness protection programme, email, because just be careful what we read out here. No, we're not allowed. About a month ago now, I left Nottingham and sped down the country to Brighton to do a degree. Let me just think, this is her speeding down the country.

Ooh, I don't know about the ending you want to get them breaks into travels everywhere by clown car doesn't it exactly my housemates and i were taking a break from shifting boxes about our suitably squalid abode and we settled down and put a pan of water on the hob we'd not yet acquired a kettle what a lovely is this a student story isn't it i like it it takes me back you have to have fish and chips on the day you move in, don't you? Oh, yes. I think you have to have fish and chips if you're in Brighton, any seaside resort. Fish and chips and champagne, I love that.

Oh. We were chatting about General New... Prosecco you can have. I was thinking sparkling Vimto. You know what they say in Vimto Veritas. We were chatting about general house things, how much we hated the estate agents, when I was horrified to hear a rather disenfranchised sounding crowing. Uh-oh.

That's right. Our neighbour keeps a cockerel, along with three dogs... ..and a number of chickens. I've been trying to record the crowing, but the trouble... This is in Brighton. Yes. The troublesome beast only seems to crow at unearthly hours. Tell me about it.

Or when I'm on the phone. Love the show. Beth. That does sound like a troublesome cockerel, doesn't it? Yeah, I don't think of Brighton as being a big agricultural area. It's not known, is it? You know, when you're travelling through the fens, you don't think, I bet they wish they could get some land by Brighton, do you?

No. I have never thought that, no. When I come through from Liverpool Street Station, the gateway to the Fens, as E.M. Forster called it. Did he? Yeah. Nice. I call it the cat flap to Clacton. That's my general reductive manner.

All I can suggest, I do know for a fact that the man that does the sound effects for the Archers lives in Brighton. Is that right? Yeah, so I'm wondering if he could possibly be the neighbour. If she hasn't seen any physical evidence of this menagerie. If there's a sound of screaming villagers as an aeroplane blows into a local pub,

then was that a plot line? I have no idea. No, it was Emmerdale, wasn't it? I'm trying to imagine what a plot line would be for The Archers. I have no idea. What sort of things happen in The Archers? I've no idea because I hear... and turn the radio off.

Well, exactly. I've always said it's not a theme tune, it's an early warning system. I'm so glad we agree on this. Well, exactly. I've always said it's not a theme tune, it's an early warning system. I'm so glad we agree on this. Oh, no. I love... I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I love the station it's on,

I won't name it, but apart from The Archers, which I will not tell you. My heart sinks somewhat as it approaches seven o'clock. I don't even know what time it's on. It seems to spring up. It is like an ambush, the archers.

It can come in the middle when you're thinking, oh, that was a good programme. I do love listening to this. And, you know, I've swerved. I've swerved into the inside lane and caused ructions in my speed to get it off. And I like this lady's email. Until the use of the word menagerie,

and it's partly because i now have a problem with that because we once hired an electrician in manchester to do a full rewire of our new house at the time and the guy had uh two catchphrases he didn't consider them catchphrases but he was a bit of a moaner you know when you hire someone to work on your home and then they start moaning he had two catchphrases yeah he kept he kept saying... Was he a character from Little Britain? He kept saying, it's a nightmare. No, he had two, Frank. Oh, sorry.

It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. And the other one was, you've got a right menagerie of wires up there. A right menagerie of wires. You see what he'd done? He'd dabbled with the accepted collective noun for wires. And also, you're an electrician. Don't come in and be surprised by wires. Wires are what you do. It's your gig, wires.

I don't turn up to comedy gigs and go, oh, you've got too many faces in the front row. Do I? I get on with it. No, you wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't on my tour. Can I just say, Frank, sorry to change the subject somewhat, but Alan's sporting... He had a little bit of a fuss about his headphones earlier, but he's now sporting some with a gold motif,

and there's something of the youthful David Kijensen about him... I know what you mean. ..in those phones. They look a bit more... Don't you think, Frank? Oh, if ever a podcast needed a webcam, this is the moment. Well, I think the best thing I've ever heard on radio was during Born in the USA once. You can tell how long ago it was.

Kid Jensen, as he was then called, was on radio once. That's coming back to me. And in the midst of the guitar solo in Born in the USA, or is it sax? Anyway, it's one of the two. In the solo, the sound dips, and David Kid Jensen just says, the kid plays the boss and then puts the sound back up again.

Turns out it was some inter-age chess tournament that was going on in the corridor at Radio 1. But he didn't give us the details. I had to find that out by my own devices. Do you play it again like chess fans do? Where they read that algebra stuff? Is that what they... They play the games. I wish I could.

I can't play chess. They play famous games again. I'd love to be. They recreate them. I sometimes do that with FA Cups. Oh, do you? And Subutio? If I take an FA Cup from the 30s or something like that and i don't know how well west i know when they got to the final but i'm not so good on semis and stuff so sometimes i'll go to wikipedia i'll go to third round proper and i'll follow their progress wow

through an fa cup at random yeah that ain't so bad is he don't't make me a bad person I'll tell you one thing about the archers if I was in the GB archery team in the 2012 Olympics I would suggest that we came out to the archers that would be good that's the one time I would tolerate I like a boxer coming out to the archers there used to be

a baseball a batter called Albert Bell, played for the Cleveland Indians, and I went to see them once in Cleveland, and when he came out to bat, they just used to have this mournful church bell, because he was called Albert Bell. It was brilliant. Loved it.

It didn't bring people down too much. It was all right. It wasn't too sombre no I think it was supposed to frighten the opposition it was like something from a horror film like the hacker you're looking so Jensonian I can barely look at it would it be Jensonian or Jensenian

oh Frank you're right that's why I love you I studied kidology a whole three year degree on David Kidd Jensen. You do seem to have the air of the expert. Yeah, I had to learn French for the time in his Canadian early days he spent in the province of Quebec. We had to learn French as a supplementary topic.

So, Frank, I'd like to talk to you about my week, if that's OK. Well, I've actually been helping my dad out this week with a few domestic chores. Oh, lovely. Well, it's not all premiers and premier leaguers in my life, Frank. No. Sometimes I will help out my old dad. That's nice. Yeah.

And this week he was getting a mobile phone. We talked about late to the party on the show last week. And that really is quite late to the party. That is, yeah. His first mobile phone. I feel there's already bottles and cake in bin liners outside the house when he's turned up to the party. It's a giant one, Frank.

It's like a Fisher-Price phone. Oh, it's one of the big buttons ones. Yes, it's got big buttons. We were talking about those the other day, weren't we? It's very satisfying. He can't work out yet that if you... I keep saying don't turn it off don't turn the power off he said but then i'll run up a bill i said no you won't it's fine you won't run up a bill just by having it on it's a shame i mean i can't find my mobile how an old age pensioner finds their mobile i'll never

know you know i know old age pensions can't find their landline. Yeah. So I was on the phone to the man from the mobile phone provider, and I'm trying to set my dad up on it. Yeah. And I'm saying, oh, you know, so the man's asking all the questions, very nice man. And then eventually he said, oh, what's your father's date of birth? And I couldn't remember the year.

I just had a momentary lapse. He's standing next to me. I said, Dad, what's your date of birth again? And my dad says, 1933, the year Hitler rose to power. Good. I like it. I thought it was extraordinary. And the man on the other end of the phone heard it and went, oh, dear. Did he? Yes.

Oh, he's reliving that moment all over again. He said, oh, dear. Yeah. Which I thought was quite, the whole thing was so bizarre. That's a bit of a spoiler alert, wasn't it? I don't want people to I thought was quite... Well, that's because... The whole thing was so bizarre. That was a bit of a spoiler alert. Wasn't it? I don't want people to know. It was, you know, let's just...

There might be people who don't know how it ended, Hitler coming to power. No, you've ruined it for them. I like that my dad used this, though, as a kind of identifying clause, as if everyone would be aware. So it wasn't even, like, politically as significant as, like, 1934.

It would work for me, because I... My Hitler calendar is very near to my telephone. So I often give an anniversary, a Hitlerian anniversary, as a way of clarifying something. But I like the fact that that's obviously my dad's... Can I just say this month's picture? I can't quite work out. It's a picture of Hitler holding an outsized pair of trousers out in front of him like he was involved in some sort of Slimmer of the Year thing.

It's obviously a part of the Hitler history that's just slipped by now, but I'm imagining there was a period of fat Hitler, and then he got some publicity. But he had the big trousers picture. Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's doing that. Were you? Sure it's not the chaplain picture.

No, I'm pretty confident it's... No, the armbands, they give away. That's what I always think. That's how I tell them apart. Bowler hat, armband. That's the checklist, isn't it? You've got to have a sister. That's my Harry Hill impression.

And a blondie somewhere in the background. Yeah. Harry Hill impression, pretty good. And Blondie somewhere in the background. Yeah. But I quite like that my dad obviously uses this as his identifying clause. Throughout his life, he's always stated his date of birth and then followed it with the year Hitler rose to power. Yeah, it's lovely.

It doesn't have that much impact on you when you're a baby. It's not like he remembers this from being... It's like me saying, oh, 1975, the year... I don't know anything that happened in 1975 because I was a baby and I haven't taken the trouble of double-checking it on Wikipedia. Do you not know what was number one when you were born? No. Oh, I like to

know what the nurses were whistling. I always liked that. And do you know, Vera Lynn did very well. Yeah, she did. God bless her. But I realise i do this because when i say my name on the phone you probably don't have this frank and i'd be intrigued to know because people probably say oh is that as in frank skinner when you're saying your name and then you either admit or or you toy with them but i always it's not a very good identifying

clause is it yes it's frank skinner as in frank skinner it's a bit haughty, though, to say. As in remover of skin. Skinner. Yeah, as in very open remover of skin. Well, I used to say when I was younger, I thought this was quite cool. I'd say, yeah, it's Emily Dean, like James Dean. Because I thought that sounded quite cool. Except once, when Jamie Redknapp, I was on the phone to him,

and he was getting me some tickets to a Liverpool game, and he said, all right, Emilynapp, I was on the phone to him, and he was getting me some tickets to a Liverpool game, and he said, alright, Emily, yeah, what's her surname again? And I said, Emily Dean. And I thought, I'll localise it to make it more special for him. And I said, as in Dean Saunders. I thought he'd be impressed. Guess what name the tickets were in when I got

when I turned up at Anfield? Emily Saunders. And now he's one of the country's leading pundits. How did that happen? Well, I think there's some others disgraced. What do you do? So when you're on the phone and you're having to do the

odd domestic thing, would you say, when you say it's Frank, you know, it's Skinner, do they say, oh, as in Frank Skinner? And do you fess up? Do you you have identifying clauses well i i don't so much have an identifying clause as a personal assistant this is true who makes all these phone calls on my behalf and i've heard it she refers she refers to me as her boss oh yeah oh um not as in kid the kid plays the boss, but yeah. So I don't really, I mean, I used to, you know, when you're mentioned in the paper, you have an identifying clause often. So I used to be TV funny man, Frank Skinner. And then I became TV man, Frank Skinner. And now I'm just man, Frank Skinner. And now I'm just man, thanks to you. So I've used it to chart my career decline.

But at least, I don't know, what is Chris Evans called now? He's not still Mad Cat Broadcaster, is he? No. Broadcaster. Just Mad Broadcaster. Mad Broadcaster. Yeah, I don't know, perhaps he's just Broadcaster now. Yeah, he might be.

He might be. You went a bit serious there, Emma. Yes, you're right. I'm not sure about that. I always panic when we talk about Chris Evans because I just think he's going to come marching in there in his polka dot shirt with a machete. I don't know if he marches, does he? I don't think so. No, I imagine he

blusters in. He won't be in this bit of town anyway. I sometimes qualify Cochran. I say Alan Cochran like Eddie Cochran, but with an E on the end. That's a terrible qualifier. It's not a great qualifier. You don't want to qualify with brackets. I mean, my name's a minefield anyway, because I have to say Alan with a U, A-L, not just one L. There's too many qualifiers.

It's the Welsh spelling, but I'm not Welsh. It just takes forever. You see, I used to know this guy, and his surname was Rose, and every time he'd be on the phone to someone, he'd say, my name is Rose, R-O-S-E, like the flower. And his girlfriend used to physically, I mean, she used to cringe every time he said it. I think that's what did them, for them, in the end. Well, he was being helpful.

I don't see anything wrong with that. He's also, he's picked something that people will know. I don't know anything wrong with that. He's also picked something that people will know. I don't know how many people would remember when Hitler came to power. If they ever knew. I mean, let's put it that way. If they ever knew. My mum does a qualifying thing where she will discuss certain friends and attach place names to them if there are other friends, so that she's got a friend that she calls Huddersfield Jeanette,

as opposed to the other Jeanette. Oh, I like Huddersfield Jeanette. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Huddersfield Jeanette. It sounds like a brand of carnation, doesn't it? Yeah. Oh, I had a lovely bunch of Huddersfield Jeanettes. No, actually, it sounds great. I know, but it would be a risk for me to start putting qualifiers on friends

because then it would be like, you know, I was talking to Dave the other day. No, not gambling Dave, the one that drinks too much and gets a bit aggressive, that sort of thing. You don't want that. No, you want something a bit more economic than the one who drinks too much. Pithy. Boozy Dave or gambly Dave.

Angry Dave. Angry Dave. What about comedy Dave? Oh, it's been years. No, it's been done. Pithy. Boozy Dave or Gambly Dave? Is it Angry Dave? Angry Dave. What about Comedy Dave? Oh, it's been used. No, it's been done. And Big Dave. Everyone's got a Big Dave in their mate, haven't they? I haven't. No, I don't. Alright, fair enough. Not everyone. I stand corrected. I did have, but he hanged himself. No!

Thanks for bringing it up. Yeah. Well, not quite big enough, as it turned out. OK, anyway, what else? Emily's got a bit of a specific claw on that. I'll tell you what else. I've been reading about supermarkets this week. Have you?

Strange, you may say. Why have you gone so Wintonian? I'll tell you why. Yeah? I'll tell you exactly why. Because I was interested in some statistics that were knocking around. Apparently you spend 64 days of your life

supermarket shopping. I don't. Well, you don't. Okay. Well, I actually quite like it. Go on, carry on. Oh, do you? Yeah, do you?

Well, there are other statistics. Apparently, you travel 22,000 miles to and from the store. You do. No, you do. No, no, you do. And one in 20 people look for deals on price comparison sites, which I just thought, that's behind you. What? They actually go compare?

Someone does it. The idea that someone goes and compares, having been told by that bloke, that terrible song, to do it. I wouldn't go compare under any circumstances, in any context. I just don't compare anymore. I still do a bit of comparing. But if you start singing, go compare, I'll have to stop that as well. I love, I tell you what, it's a great delight of mine. I don't have many acquired skills.

I can't ride a bike, I can't swim, I can't roller skate, I can't ski. You're a TV funny man, though. Well, I'm man. Yeah. TV funny man, though. Well, I'm man. Yeah. And what I have got quite good at is packing my bag in a supermarket.

Oh, no way. Have you got a system? Well, I've got... It's sturdy on the bottom. I'll say. I sort of go, you know, tins or cartons on the bottom. Yeah.

I know you want to put those crisps in. Leave them be. And you're moving your way up to damage yours. Moving them in so you get some of the sturdy plastic stuff with fruit in. That's alright in the middle. It's the closest I get to doing a sudoku. It's just at the end of it.

What do you put on the top layer just out of interest? Coriander. It'll often be snack food. Yeah, oh, right. Because it's a delicate beast at the best of times. Yeah, and what I'll do is I'll actually strengthen one side of the bag with a newspaper and magazine. Oh, yeah. So that when I lay in the car...

Oh, ballast. I love ballast. Yeah, it hasn't got, like, my wheel jack isn't digging into the side of my sliced bread. A bit like when people put old doors in the side of a skip so that it's all pushing. Makes the skip even bigger. Gives them an extra three feet, I'd say. Yeah. If not more. You're always on with the skip tip.

I love this. When I go shopping, I have a carb alarm fitted to my basket sometimes, which sounds quite shrill. Yeah, it sounds quite loudly. If I'm approaching anything like a bread counter or a French fancy, that starts ringing. I am king of the bargains to the point where my wife doesn't really like it if I do the food shop because I come back with lots of stuff

with yellow and orange stickers on it saying, oops, eat me now. Basically, the closer something is to free and poisonous or off then the more likely I am to buy it no I'm I'm with you on that oh I love a reduced pork pie on the way home from a supermarket shop love it yeah I um I tell you what I enjoy in the supermarket is, I would have loved, I was obsessed with the Wild West as a child. And that time when people went out there, you know, they just got in wagons and they bravely went out to find some land and somewhere to live and somewhere they could farm, take on a new life, to try and tame the wilderness. You know, great, courageous pioneer spirit. And when I put up the second food separator on the conveyor belt, you know, the other person will often put one.

When I put the second food separator, you know, the purchase separator, so you've got the... I think I stand at the one I've just put down and look to the other and think, all this is mine. I love your sort of frontier building. Yeah, I don't see it as... I'm calling it a liberator more than a separator., I don't see it as a... I'm calling it a liberator more than a separator. Some people, they see it as a negative thing,

and, oh, that's where my stuff stops, you know. But I see it as, you know, this land is your land, this land is my land. It's like that. Frank, there are rules surrounding that separator. I don't like it when people touch my separator. No, well, you've mentioned this to me before never on air but yes it sets my teeth on edge but um you know what i mean i don't like

no i hate i hate a bedroom prankster in general i'm back in the supermarket now yeah i don't like it when they they push it forward no No. I just think, no. I won't have that. Leave it. Leave it all alone. I nearly always anticipate that by putting mine as close to my food as possible. So I just think there's no wriggle room here. There's no...

No hands. It's buttressed. No hands this side of the separator. It's right up against the tins of tuna there. Yeah, I don't know. I don't give them no space. Like tins of tuna in my shop. I don't give them no space. Like tins of tuna in my shop. I won't have that.

I'm a man who's always looking for symbolism in life. I think we all feel sometimes estranged from our environment, like an outsider, like a stranger in a strange world. And I always think that's brought home when you're walking past, say, the pasta shelf and someone's put a packet of scourers on there.

Yes. I don't know how that happens. i don't know the level of indecision that someone could think i want scourers and then way over by the pasta think do i want scourers no i don't am i going back no i'm putting them with the pasta but on one occasion i remember it wasn't those two items but let's say it was pasta. And I remember I got the pasta and I thought, oh, that saved me going over to the scouring thing. So it was a happy coincidence. Talking of that, Frank, do you observe the geographical layout of the store in terms of when you're making your purchases? For example, vegetables first. I don't.

I dart all over like a mosquito. I know. I follow the signs. Yes, I thought you would. Yes. Alan vegetables first. I don't. I dart all over like a mosquito. I know. I follow the signs. Yes, I thought you would. Yes. Alan, you're very sign following. I just have a trolley and wander about. Do you do every aisle? If I'm doing a big shop,

I do the alcohol aisle and I'm never going to buy anything down there. I love the fact you do the alcohol aisle. That is the classic example of a walk down memory lane. I just run fact you're doing the old... That is the classic example of a walk down memory lane. I just run. You know you see those kids dragging a stick along the park railings? I do that with my fingernails

along the four packs. Oh, if only. I have been known to just slightly raise a ring pull before now. I judge others as well. I know that. According to what's in their bag. No, but specifically,

well, I'm very aware, I don't want my, because I like the odd treat, and sometimes it might be down that very aisle you speak of. Yes. But I don't want my basket to look too Kerry Katona.

No, I know what you mean. Do you know what I mean? So I'm conscious of putting vegetables in there, just so that it looks socially acceptable. I want my basket to look middle class

I don't know about you, I always look down my nose at the people who are paying at the cigarette counter it's a cheaper end, let's face it we once did an online supermarket food shop back when I lived in London and they delivered the same food

shop twice and we phoned them up and they delivered the same food shop twice and we phoned them up and they went, oh, it's our mistake, just keep it. And so we had two lots of everything and we'd done a massive online food shop in order to get a load of stuff. Oh, it's like God's bog off. Oh, honestly, it was unbelievable

the amount Mrs Cockrell had to take a day off just to cook up all this perishable stuff. It was unbelievable. A day off? I'm only kidding. But there was loads. I mean, we'd double ordered already, so sometimes we had like four things. Did you consider giving things to the local poor?

Yeah, yeah, me. Oh, I can't say that. No, no, we did. It was good. Anyway, I saw a weird thing last week after the show, making my way back home to the north. Oh, yeah? At the traffic lights, I saw a man flossing whilst driving. In his driving seat, he had one of those long plastic...

You know, they look like a little catapult-y thing. I know those ones. Long thing. Like a little bow for a bow and arrow is what they look like. Yeah, yeah. And he was giving the back a good old floss whilst at the traffic. I mean, that... I respect him because I don't floss enough

and my dentist is always telling me I don't floss. Oh, my God. Broken chair. The fact that I don't floss enough has caused the cochran to tear the arm from the chair. No, I don't floss. Oh my god. Broken chair. The fact that I don't floss enough has caused the cockerel to tear the arm from the chair. No, I'm with you. I don't... We should. I'm told we should. I'm told we should. What are you going to do

with the arm now, Cockerel? Are you going to put it on the floor? I'm just going to put it down there and we'll remedy it later. Can you operate on a one-armed chair? Yes. I can do that. I can do it. Stallwarts that I am. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of the flossing for several reasons.

The pain, the fiddliness, the smell and the goo. That little... I think you've summed up all the cons of flossing. Yeah, the runny putty goo thing. No! I have one other. I have one other.

No! Maybe that's why he was doing it in the car. Perhaps he's one of those people that sticks the ornaments to the dashboard using the Ronnie Potty. Can't buy the photo of grandchildren. No, I'll tell you a thing I find with the flossing is that my teeth gaps seem to have a sort of a cat flap thing on them. The floss goes in, but it won't come out.

Oh, no. I've had to cut floss before now to get yeah i've had some nail scissors i've had to cut it because i don't i don't use the bow and arrow when i do floss i use the um the never-ending stream from the yes i use the never-ending stream but sometimes i'll get up to a gap yeah when i when I come to pull it out, I can't find the way out. Oh, no. It might still be lurking in there. What? Or some of the old floss bits. Oh, no, I think I've... Just pull the thread right through.

I think I've brushed it down, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it's... It's a weird thing to do in the car. Is it legal? I'm not sure it is. You can't use your phone, but I've never heard flossing. I bet the flossing is on no statue.

It's a grey area, isn isn't it as well as a sort of a gray putty yeah i'm not a fan not a fan but i don't like i don't actually really approve of uh of public displays of grooming like i've mentioned this before i get annoyed i get annoyed when people trim their toenails on the train nobody does does that. Oh, well, I've had it happen to me two, if not three times. Really? In the quiet coach as well, of all places. What do you travel on the Marrakesh Express? No, literally.

Some of them flick off and go into the wooden chicken cages. Saw a woman painting her nails on the train the other day. That's unforgivable. Imagine. I mean, imagine someone who'd do that. That's unacceptable because that gets on my chest. It really does get on my chest.

Which girls are you going to see? I thought you were just saying a polite version of you being annoyed, but you mean it makes you breathe funny. No, Frank's got a weird thing about nail polish. I love to see it on, but I won't have it on in a closed space we have to do it in private i think that's fine you know that's why people have balconies isn't it

i do like i tell you what i haven't seen for ages something i used to when i first started dating girls one of the first things that excited me about the the vive la difference between men and women was this thing of putting wads of cotton wool in between your toes. Oh, yes. So they're really, really spread out for the painting. I wind it through like a snake, a soft snake. That's also done as well, yeah. I don't know. It's separating.

But you wouldn't do it while driving. I think while driving, you've got to be a bit careful what you're doing. I mean, I always have sweets in the car. Do you? I never drive anywhere without sweets. Which ones? Haribo Tangfastic? Well, no, I'm not so crazy. I think I explained the other week that I like a minstrel.

Oh, yes, you did. But I can do a minstrel one-handed whilst driving, and everything's perfectly fine. Emily, please. Is this Carry On podcast? Do you have them in the driver door, the minstrels? Oh, no, I have them in the central, just behind the gear lever. It's sort of the car equivalent to the grassy knoll, I find, that area.

Yeah, I don't know, what is it called, that dip behind the gear lever? We all know which area we mean. Let's call it the dip behind the gear lever? We all know which area we mean. Let's call it the dip behind the gear lever. OK, well, that's where I keep my sweets. But the other week, I was driving to West Bromwich, and I had a Pez dispenser. And it's not so easy to operate one-handed. I ended up having to sort of bite the...

It looked like I was going for the throat of the character head and it was Ariel the little mermaid it didn't feel right I'm glad it was Ariel because I know you had a Paul Coyer Pez dispenser as well at one stage I did, I've always felt I have to say that the little mermaid is somewhat wasted on a Pez dispenser

because the whole selling point of the little mermaid is the other end, obviously. That's what distinguishes it from all the other pretty ladies. Yeah, exactly. I combine this with now, in order to make this right, I often have a mackerel lozenge in the aerial Pez dispenser. But no, so I was struggling.

And you can... I know men aren't supposed to be able to multitask but um you know when if you think when you put i'm putting cds in and out i'm i'm eating i'm turning up the radio and all that all these things apparently are okay but if you're on the mobile phone it's a no no yeah and you do you ever do a hot beverage in a car? I don't understand that. No, I don't like that. Those cup holders. Oh, I do that.

Do you do that? Oh, yeah, I do that. Oh, Alan. I got a lift the other week from the Cheltenham Literature Festival, and I had a hot chocolate. And in the end, I made him stop so I could pour it out on a lay-by. Did you? It was like, it was absolute day.

Every little bump there was chocolate shooting out all over me. It was one of the most dangerous and frightening experiences of my life. Being in the back of a 4x4 carrying a hot chocolate. Oh well there you go. You're in a 4x4 and the hot chocolate was too hot. Well we were going cross country at this point.

You could have popped it in the drink holder and left it for a good half hour. It would have been lovely. Got yourself on firm road. I couldn't locate the drink holder. But I mean, I eat a lot when I'm... I boned an aromatic duck on the A40. I couldn't help it.

It stepped out right in front of me. I always open the sandwich before the journey recommences. I'm very careful like that. I get very tut-tutty about other people's driving. It'd be wrong for me to then be trying to wrestle with the Marks and Spencers simply food roast beef, wouldn't it? And also, those things, they come in. You know, the plastic pyramid sandwiches come in. I find that, I don't know if this is a calculable thing,

I don't know if it's like the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sides of the square on the two adjacent sides. But I find that one side of that sandwich, especially when they're in side by side, fits very neatly in the dip behind the gear lever. So they will sit there like a little wedge. If I drive quickly with the passenger and my door open, I can make those sandwiches part just with the wind.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.