The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Sknner - Guest: Lee Mack

Episode Date: December 4, 2010

This week the team are joined by stand up comedian Lee Mack. They talk about the World Cup Bid, getting old and the art of pedestrian racing.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. How wonderful. That is Tattoo with...

How soon is now? Tattoo are obviously Russian. That's why I've played it, as a celebration of all that. Oh, yeah, you're quite happy for them, aren't you? Yeah, I didn't want the World Cup. Stinking the place out with its hot dogs. Eh? Hot dogs.

Who wants that smelling all around the cities of England? Not me. No, that's this week's phony. Oh, right. Who wants people... No. So, welcome. We have a new producer this week,

because our producer is poorly in hospital so if you're listening Emma we love you very much and want you to get well soon in fact judging by how bad my earphones sound I want you to come even though you're ill and take over the show now so this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

I'm with Emily I'm with Gareth and I have pig iron! I have all the pig iron! I haven't done that for ages, but it welled up in me. You know how it does. Your manager's come down today as well. Has something happened? My manager and my publicist.

Oh, you've gone so grand. My publicist is here, so yes, I suspect something's gone off and we don't know about it. I'm thinking, is New Year's on us today? Is that late this early? Oh, that'd be good, Frank. Anyway, it's cold. Oh. Maybe it's cold outside.

All this week, people have been saying, it's cold, isn't it? And then people think, if that's not good enough, someone said to me, you know, it's properly cold. Right? And then I started to notice it. You know, I started to notice people saying it's cold. And someone said to me, look, I know we've already said this,

but it is really cold. Yes! I know! It's alright. So let's try, just for this weekend, try walking into a pub or bar or back into your house and not mentioning it. And if anyone else mentions it, spit in their faces. Frank! That, I think, would write everything off.

Do you know, I don't like the snow, though, Frank. I think it's for people with children or money, and I don't have enough of it either, actually. Well, how many children do you have? Well, none, currently. OK, OK. I like the use of enough. But no, but I just think it's fine if you've got children they find it all oh isn't it magical but it's just a pain trying to get around i can't

bear it um ethan was freaked out by the snow he didn't like it ethan is um i should point out he's garrett's afghan hand yeah who um has no legs after a terrible accident. So he just lies there and leaves a sort of... I don't like that shape he leaves in the snow. I don't mind the end with the head on. I don't like the other shape. OK? Yeah. I don't want him on my lawn again, is what I'm saying.

Now, Ethan is Gareth's son. How old is ethan now he's about 18 months about oh he's one look it up it's not it's not easy to tell exactly well i think i think um i say birth certificate's a good starting point okay let me we got it with you i've got a copy here somewhere i know yeah. Yeah, you're right. Nearly 18 months. So he doesn't... He walks now. Does he walk?

He walks, yeah. Brilliant. He talks. Well, not... He talks some. Yeah. Is this his first snow he's ever seen? Yeah, first snow ever.

Oh, that's brilliant. Oh. Did he not go out last year when it was snowing? Did you blindfold him just to keep the surprise? Very little, yeah. So does he love it? No, no, he doesn doesn't like it he's a bit freaked out by it he's quite a timid child though i don't think he's timid i don't think you can say that no he's not he's not he just like at first he doesn't like things and then he gets used to them i think no but you remember when we're all like that that

kid pushed him over frank and he got upset got upset. We never mentioned that. Oh, sorry, I've mentioned it. Did you forget that was just a once-but-Garrett-accidentally-named-the-child-and-there-was-a-bit-of-a-guff-offle? And when he first had a football, he was very freaked out by a football. Didn't like a football. Yes. Well, he decorated it, didn't he? Which is never a good sign. That's quite a good sign, though. So I'm just pointing at a sign that somebody's showed me.

It started strange, but I don't care. No, I don't either. I'm going to keep talking for an hour like this. Actually, two, if we're going to be completely honest about it. Anyway, I suppose we'd better play some music. Actually, shall we not? You know, when Chris Evans used to

go like 25 minutes and not play any music. No, I'm not going to do that. Who wants to be like, anyway? You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The softest, mintiest show in town. Sponsored by

Tree Bar Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Terrible pain he sounds in at the end of that. I always think. Oh, sure, enjoy yourself. You know, you're a nice young pop star.

Got your whole life going off like fireworks around you. Anyway, that was Kings of Leon, You Somebody. So, I'll tell you, I was in the lift. My girlfriend is obsessed with getting stuck in the lift. She often won't go in the lift. You sound like a pastime obsessed with it. No, she's afeard of it. Oh, OK.

By the way, you can text us on 81215 about anything at all. Well, actually, a 13-year-old Ross has to say how much he loves the fall. You've made him become addicted to them. That's fabulous. So there you go. Young man like that. Into it already. Brilliant.

Thank you, Ross, for that into it already brilliant thank you ross for that um so yeah so she's always talking about getting stuck in the lift so i think about it now as well and uh the other day i was i was in the lift and i i was i was very desperate for the toilet for the you know i i mean not the big toilet you know know what I mean? Oh, OK. The little toilet. The front toilet. And I was in the lift. And I thought, oh, if the lift stopped now, what would I do? How many stories is your goddamn lift? Well, I think there's one million stories in the Naked City. And this is just one of them.

Was it one million or was it more? Anyway, someone will know. Because our listeners, I find, know everything. There used to be a TV show that started like that, can I just say, in case you're a bit fretful. Those of you who are still listening, thanks. What about this? That's the morning! I've heard that for ages. That was loud, wasn't it?

Very loud, Gareth. I've got just a slight trail of blood coming out of my left ear. I've got just a slight trail of blood coming out of my left ear. Anyway, so it struck me that if I did have to... What's the best word to use this time of the month? Just check the absolute... Oui, oui. If I had to oui, oui in the lift, it's better in the winter because I could do it into my scarf.

Oh, God. But think about it. If it's in the summer, you have to just do it onto the floor, and then you have to sit in it. You know what I mean? When I have to say, you have to say, that wasn't me doing straight talk. You have to sit in it.

I mean, you have to sit in it, right? Or just have some self-control and hang on. What if I was in there for two hours? Why would you be in there for two hours? If the lift got stopped. Yeah, but you'd be an engineer called out, like there was today about the heating. I'd be an engineer, not in the modern world,

saying, you know, we've had a lot of calls out, it's very snowy at the moment, what with, you know, the World Cup thing and everything, people have been getting upset and smashing up their heating systems, we've had to come in and fix it and all that. It's just, I'm just saying, if anyone gets stuck in a lift this weekend, just remember you've got your scarves. There's no need to ruin the whole kit and caboodle.

A bit of advice there from the show? I'll tell you something I noticed this week. What I know I'm determined to call pedestrian racing. Because this is the thing, when I walk down the street, I'm a very fast walker. And if anyone, I overtake people or i pick a target who's walking fast and i make it a race whether they know it or not and lots of our listeners have contacted us about this some people call it pavement racing but um i was unsure but i'm

going to stick with pedestrian racing i think it's i think it's the thing and this week i i did one on um on wednesday i think it was in what I can only say was dangerous weather conditions. And when I started to accelerate past this bloke, I thought I could go over him. I could easily go over. There was quite a bit of ice and I hadn't got the best shoes for him. And I thought this would be good because, because now it's a race between me and him as far as I'm concerned,

if I go, I'm taking him down with me. So I never got far enough past him that I couldn't reach out and grab his overcoat. So anyone who's doing any... Well, actually, we've had a few texts in, Frank, and emails in. We've had Ian from Reading, similarly to you. He says, the other morning I was racing a bloke wearing office-style shoes, and I was wearing flat-bottom trainers with little grit, and we both hit a patch of thin ice.

It was like a sheet of glass. I only just kept my lead. It's getting dangerous. We need rules and the equipment before someone is hurt. He's not wrong. At the moment, it is very informal, the pedestrian race, but that's one of the important things about it, I think, is that it's still a secret art.

Well, we've got another suggested this this story has a suggested rule um that is implicit in pedestrian racing um it's charles sung and he says um i recently engaged someone in pedestrian racing and got an immediate response we were neck and neck for about 30 seconds or so when i decided to dig deep and overtake imagine my shocks when my pedestrian racy aggressively uttered the words no mate as I initially passed him well I'm not having that I mean the whole point about pedestrian racing apart from obviously the physical and then yeah is that that doubt that you're never quite sure if the other person knows if you're never quite sure if they're joining in or not that's what i love about it it's the unspoken art yes no charles says surely he's

broken one of the golden rules of the sport i that it's an unspoken competition well i think this week of all of all weeks don't call me surely yes it is an unspoken first rule First rule of pedestrian racing, don't talk about pedestrian racing. Yeah, not when you're doing it. I agree with that. What else? I don't like the paws. Can I just say I don't like the paws?

No, I'm on about... Is that part of the suit? I'm on about the Afghan hound. I don't know if you've got some. Garrett sent me two of the paws after the accident. I like this pedestrian racing. It's more pedestrian racing. What I've started doing, I'm using them in lieu of oven gloves.

So I'm taking things. I've just got the dog paw. I mean, they're removed at the elbow. If Afghan hounds have elbows, it's something I've never really established. No, I don't think they do. But if you hold them by the forearm, or is it the foreleg, and you can take quite a nice pot of goulash out of the oven, I mean, red hot, with the dog paws.

And I can't see any searing on the toes. They're hardy, the dog toe. Dog toe is a very leathery surface, if you notice that. So there's a little tip as well. Don't stir, is one thing I'd say. Don't stir the goulash with the paws. How about serving a salad with them? That's fine.

Oh, that's no trouble. You could do that with cat paws. I wouldn't. But Lee Maxxed the guest guest today so it will get better and does it feel very quiet today do we normally have background music do you know what it is

we've got guests in the studio but they're too silent they're not talking to us to be fair I think that's our fault oh is it you're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft mints bringing a softer mintier feel to your saturday morning absolute radio

republica drop dead gorgeous i like it frank it million. Well, it wasn't that good. What, on the Richter scale? No, someone has texted in, someone anonymous, 060, about the amount... Remember you were talking about how many stories in The Naked City? Oh, The Naked City? Yeah. Yeah, you always used to start, there are 8 million stories in The Naked City

and this is just one of them. Well, there's a subplot, but I mean like a main, there's one of them. Well, there's a subplot, but I mean like a main. There's one main story. I don't think there's a subplot. Obviously, that is someone's main story, but in the context of this particular, anyway, here we go, that's how it used to start on a bad week.

And it's good because then they've got at least 8 million episodes. Well, I imagine they had an enormous whiteboard in their office with the other seven million nine hundred nine all lined up so yeah unfortunately the show got pulled so i never got around i'd like to that'd be a good uh the outtakes from naked city that'd be a hell of a dvd i think we'd all agree not everyone there's always some dissenting voice i find generally so um frank never mind that do you want to hear about how i felt my age this week yes of course you do it's your favorite thing ever yes i felt so tense i'm tense already oh you really should be tense i felt so old i've never felt more old than i did this week two incidents first incident on the phone

to my editor's child, who's two. And she did that very cute thing of saying, oh, speak to Emily on the phone. And I went, hello, Danny, darling. One of my great hates is being passed over to anyone. Oh, I like a pass over. Do you want to speak to, I'm the one always miming in the background with the hands going, no. I don't care if it's someone, I don't care if it's Bob Dylan phones. I don't want to be passed over ever on the phone if i want to find someone i'll phone them i don't want to

suddenly be an addendum no sorry bobby doesn't want to talk to you yeah i don't want to be the subplot in naked city see you later oh i like a child pass over okay so i did pass over any jewish people listening i love that particular that was was for David Baddiel, actually. So I sort of said to him, hello, Danny. You know, you do the kid voice. Oh, I do. I say, who is this? And then they start crying. I can't carry on.

I said, hello, Danny. How are you, darling? It's lovely to talk to you. And do you know what he said? That's my granny a 72 year old scottish woman that's apparently no she's not scottish oh he meant he meant you yeah he thought i was his granny okay he wasn't so that made he wasn't pointing at some fallen figure in the corner been there for three days unattended and you just put the phone down again

he's what he's big cry for help. No. Oh, well. So Danny thought I was his granny. That doesn't mean that you look old. That means you sound old. That ain't so bad. But I also apparently... John Craven. John Craven used to have a voice.

John Craven? That had spring in it. It had spring. It was like the opening of Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony, his beautiful voice. And now when you hear John Craven, it's like, oh, we are on contract. Get him off. He's not, oh, get him off.

He's not looking his best, either. Let's stop with him now. So do you want to hear the second incident? Yeah, definitely. Well, I was at the office Christmas party, and I was dancing with the young ones, throwing some shakes. Dancing with the young ones?

Yeah. Not the actual ones. That would have been good. I think it was really like... Including that one who no one remembers, the sort of one who... Mike. Yeah, Mike. yeah mike the terrible one turns out he's the best dancer of them all isn't that weird because he's obviously the least important so i think it was during re-light my fire that i felt

my hip go oh no oh yes oh yes my friend had the very same thing. And she did it. My hip, Frank, I could almost hear it pop, like the Queen Mother or something. It was awful. Hear it pop like the Queen Mother? Is that how she died? She can pop. Yeah, she just went off like... Oh, no, Queen Mother's dead.

Oh, that's terrible, your hip. Well, I lied and said it was because I did fall in the snow, thankfully. So I didn't tell anyone it was because of the dancing. I said it was because of my fall. That doesn't sound much better, does it? You had a fall. Well, it sounds a bit better. Did you say I've had one of my falls?

That doesn't help. That's, oh dear. I'm old, aren't I? Well, you know, I suppose any... A child could... No, you're old. Yeah, I am. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Stem. Wowee. I love that. That was B-O-S-T-O-N by Blur. But not Blur. Not the ones with the hoity-toity singer, Blur. Blur by a bloke. Curious description of him.

Oh, he's hoity-toity in the extreme. Who, Damon? Oh, he's all right. He's Gareth's favourite. Don't tread on Gareth's dreams. Sorry. So speaking of office parties, and Robbie who's helping us out.

Oh, it's ours. He's got an injury from the office party. Oh, has he? What happened to him? I was dancing a bit too. His mood is getting near the microphone. What have I done? I've unleashed a monster. You don't have to tell us that whole story. You were dancing and you picked up an injury at the office party.

Yes. Yeah. See, everyone, I remember when I was working, um, in, I worked in a factory in the West Midlands and we had an office party. And Pam, Pam the bald woman from the offices. Completely, well, not completely bald, some wisps. She had some wisps. We never asked.

What, sort of like the man in Rocky Horror Show? That sort of, I'm imagining her head. She was bald. Oh, okay. And little glasses she wore, but completely bald. She turned up to the office Christmas party with a wig on. Never seen her in a wig before. Wow.

It was fantastic. Oh, man, it was the talk. You know, office party tittle-tattle is always about, oh, well, snogging, blah, blah, and so on, so it got drunk. But what about, did you see Pam? She had hair. It was massive. So that was exciting.

If you're listening, Pam, sorry to bring that up, really. I suppose it's a touchy subject in some way. I hadn't thought about that. I suppose the baldness made me think that she probably doesn't listen to the radio. I don't know why I got that from. Anyway, Pam, I think she was well. I did start to worry as you were saying that. No, no, it wasn't a bad ball, I think it was.

Now, you were telling me about the old dance thing as well. Yeah, I tell you what, when I... Can I just set up a big thing? I love people to let... I need some help. I had a call from Comet Relief, right? And they want me to... You know that Let's Dance for Comet Relief?

So your manager's just looking a bit stern? Yeah. There's no money involved? No, there's no money. OK. But it goes to the Africans. You know, they need the money. Tell him, not me.

Because the shops over there are rubbish. If you've ever been to Africa. But we send them goods. But anyway, it's not good sending them money. Vouchers, waste of time. I sent, Namibia, I sent them 200 quid's worth of Waterstones vouchers.

Apparently, they're still uncashed. In gratitude, or what? Anyway, if I did a dance, a famous dance... Yeah. You know, Matthew Webb. He's not called Matthew Webb. Oh, Robert Webb. Yeah, Matthew Webb's the first man to swim the channel.

Oh, he was brilliant. He did flash dance. Exactly. Well, I need a famous dance I can do to swim the channel. Oh, he was brilliant. He did flash dance. Exactly. Well, I need a famous dance I can do to help the Africans. Put your thinking caps on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Best of you, Foo Fighters. You know, when they brought that out i bet they were really hoping that would be a massive massive hit for them and become like their signature tune then when the album comes out they can call it the best of foo i bet that was all discussed in a meeting and then it was in a meeting imagine the foo fights are sitting there having a meeting i think they're the sort of people that would have a meeting, actually, because aren't they, they've taken, like, if you take the Kurt Cobain element

out of Nirvana, you're left behind with a... A bit more accountants. Yeah, a bit more accountancy. So I bet they're in a meeting saying, yeah, best of fool, I can see it now, but didn't really take off

that massively, so I know they're stuck with it. Jason Mean, Frank, has sent in... Jason Mean? Yeah. No, but it's not spelt in a mean way. It's spelt M-E-E-N.

OK. He's admonishing you a bit. Oh. He says, Hi, Frank, Gareth and Emily. With regard to your pedestrian racing, why, oh why, Frank, did you attempt to race a fellow pedestrian in what you say were dangerous conditions in the wrong type of footwear?

Oh. You clearly risk assessed correctly and realised the potential for a fall, but nonetheless attempted this foolhardy manoeuvre, putting fellow innocent pedestrians at serious risk. Not to mention, should you have come a cropper and careered off into a lamppost or prickly hedge, the waste of taxpayers' money to repair you and get you

race fit again. Coming a cropper, by the way, is accidentally having a relationship with a transsexual. For any Coronation Street fans, listen. Oh, I get that, do you? If you insist on racing in the snow and ice in the future, maybe consider some footwear, snow chains, or at least some intermediate tread.

All the best, Jason. I have to say, Jason, I like your style. I do. But, you know, one becomes reckless in cold weather. I think you'd agree with that. Have you ever seen that Coen Brothers film, Fargo? Oh, yeah. When they put the bloke in the mincing machine thing.

Oh, horrible. Yeah. See, I don't think you'd have done that in a warm climate. No, it's true. I prefer Mamma Mia. Much nicer. Horrible. On a similar note to pavement racing, this is from Tom.

I have encountered several challenges from pram joggers whilst running in my local park. Do prams still exist? Prams? Oh, I see, as opposed to buggies, yeah. You can still get prams as well. Posh people have prams, Frank. Yeah, they've died out a bit, prams. They're posh people.

Yeah. When you say posh people, we used to use ours for taking the bottles back. But I have seen them with coal in them. Did you have one in your front garden? A pram? Yeah, like a pram in the front garden. What? No, I think the horse would have knocked it over.

And the whippet. Yeah. The posh people probably do use them to recycle their bottles now. Yeah, they probably do. The whole world's turned upside down, hasn't it? Oh dear. Carry on. The new mothers for great also meet regularly for group

pram running exercise sections on Hampstead Heath. That can't be right. Some months ago, whilst running up Primrose Hill for the umpteenth time, I became aware of laboured breathing at my shoulder. Taking a brief glance behind me, I noticed a woman with baby harnessed over her shoulders and pushing a pram,

actually attempting to beat me to the top of the hill. Wow, what a girl. Far from taking pity on this woman and letting her win, I accelerated my pace and watched her from the top for some time as she became increasingly breathless and embarrassed looking. It's a competitive world.

See, that's why you can't call it pavement racing, because you can do it up a hill, if you like. Exactly. I'm loving it. So, have we had any suggestions of what I might dance? Yes, we have, Frank. I was thinking I might go biblical. Oh, God.

The Seven Veils, what do you think? Frank, that's horrible. You can't do that. Why? It's just horrible. Well, obviously, it cuts away for the seventh veil. You'd get, you know, you'd just see the veil just wriggling free. But what would you have under, like, pat wife hunts or something?

It's horrible. No, nothing underneath. Oh, my God. You wouldn't show it. Come on, it's for Africa. And then, just as it was about to, you know, the last veil was about to slip, then you'd cut to, you know, Shane Ritchie on the judging panel.

I think people would get the reference. So, we've heard the other text. I got that late, but I liked it. Oh, I love it when you get it late. At first, I just laughed because your manager was laughing. I was trying to suck up to him, and then I actually really got it. It's my manager's job to laugh because I say anything. I know, I know.

I remember that. There he goes again. We've had a text in... I was actually holding up my recent bank balance. That's really made me laugh. We've had a text in, someone suggesting the Birdie song, quite wisely remaining anonymous. No, but I think the thing is with the Birdie song,

I think it has to be a sort of... Does it have a dance? It has to be something that you'd recognise a famous... It's the chicken dance, isn't it? You do the chicken... Yeah, I know how to do it. OK, don't get aggressive. I'm not suggesting you don't know how to do it. The birdie dance.

I don't know how to do the birdie dance. I mean, I'll do it now if you like. What about Agadou? Look at that, it's absolutely perfect. You can't do anything. I'm not doing anything. It's on radio. Why even waste my energy?

People, of course, on the webcam are thinking, well, there's something wrong with this. It must be out of sync. Yeah, I was thinking about, the only one I could think of was James Cagney Yankee Doodle Dandy. Oh, yeah, I know. I'm Yankee Doodle Dandy. Oh, that's creepy.

Yankee Doodle Dandy. Oh! Yeah, just like him. For those two people listening who know what he sounds like. We had the sand dance with Dawn French. What's that? Oh oh that's what um wilson keppel and betty and they sort of go on like egyptian looking people um hips don't lie shakira i think you'd be great and i like what they're saying is that the world cup song oh maybe

it is the world no that's not the world Cup song? Oh, maybe it is. The World Cup song. No, that's not. The World Cup song, I could... Because they played that at every World Cup game in South Africa. And I came to love it. That'd be good. And I think I look a bit like Shakira as well. You know what I mean?

I've got them sort of slightly stubby legs. Yes. Anyway, we'd better move towards the news. Hasn't it flown past? Yeah. No, I was on about that sparrow hawk that had been making me very edgy

for the first couple of links. You could probably pick up on it at home. I didn't like... I didn't think it was looking at me because I wouldn't want to impose that onto an animal. I don't want to put a scenario onto a dom creature. But it was looking ominous. Anyway, it's gone now.

Lee Mack will be here in the second half of the show. He's funny, funny, funny. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Treeball Soft Mints, bringing a softer, mintier feel to your Saturday morning. Absolute Radio. Lee Mack came into the studio while you were in the toilet. Yeah.

Just saying. He's a bit naughty, isn't he? Coming in a bit early. He's looking smoking hot, that's what I'm saying. Is he? Mm. See, it's going to be a bit awkward because Lee Mack has presented this show a few times. Yeah. I don't think he's going to like being at the side of the desk.

Tune in for the power struggle on Absolute Radio. There will be blood. There will be blood. I don't mind you taking the reins for three links. Why are you delving into your filthy old rucksack? Do you think you're on radio? I'm sorry, are we? I forgot that.

I never really... It comes and goes, the awareness of being on radio, I find. Anyway, I'll tell you what I've done. I've ruined a national institution. What? Absolute Radio? No. I wouldn't say I hadn't ruined it, but I don't think it's a national institution yet, is what I'm saying. Although we've got Absolute 90s, Absolute 80s saying. Although we've got absolute 90s, absolute 80s,

and then there were absolute noughties coming up. How soon before you turn on it goes like, I used to be in pictures. Welcome to absolute 20s. Mar-a-mew, I love you. Four people listening, me and three old age pensioners in Golden Square. And the good chef will leap up. Yeah, barely but roll there

on absolute 20th. So you ruined an institution. Yes, I ruined... On a black man? No, no, I was... Don't lead me into ponds. I did Question of Sport and it went out this week. Oh, everyone said it's terrible.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much for your support. No, it's sort of, apparently, what they've done, they've put it out at half ten, and they've got a new sort of shiny, bright, electrical set with flashing lights. And also, they had the idea that instead of just sports people, they'd have celebrities.

Like, you know celebrities. Yeah. So who did they have, you? Me and Peter Jones. Do you know him? Oh, off of Dragon's Den. Off of Dragon's Den. Me and Peter Jones.

We got a thing going on. That's the absolute 60s. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, was it? No, 70s. Oh, is it? OK. Absolute 70s, yeah.

What else could there be? Absolute 1880s. You name one of those? There'll be Elgar. Yeah. A bit early. Anyway, you don't like this. Yeah, so it said, I read a thing in the paper that said,

who cares whether Peter Jones knows more about sport than Frank Skinner? And apparently we've ruined the whole show. Yes. They'd rather have some person, you know, they usually have like a clay pigeon shooter on, or you've never heard of some terrible clay pigeon shooter. And they say, yeah, so Jeff got the clay pigeon world championships coming up in Belize. What do you think about it? And they say, well, you know, the Ecuadorians

have got a good team. Who wants to listen to that rubbish? So we've spiced it up. People don't like him. I miss the Bill Beaumont days, but that's another story. Well, I miss him. Wasn't he brilliant as the lion in The Wizard of Oz? Absolutely. So they've said it's rubbish now, and

you're responsible for this. Well, I'm partly responsible for it yeah and i mean i didn't know you know there are things like they had a rugby player on the you know the secret guest what they call oh i don't like that what's it called not a secret guest yeah it is called that isn't it mystery personality mystery mystery guest maybe it's called no well you see shot badly shot looks like a badly shot film where they're not actually just showing you who it is that's the one you have to guess who it is well to be honest as i pointed out some rugby player who could they could have saved the money on video they could have just he could have

come in stood in front of me told me his name and i still couldn't have told you who he was oh no you deconstructed it oh you shouldn't deconstruct it. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. It's about sports trivia. It was rubbish, though, before, Frank, I have to say. What, question of sport? Probably the people who liked it before liked it because it was rubbish. The sort of people that said that the set gives them headaches and makes them feel sick so they have to switch off. Maybe

they shouldn't be watching telly on their own. They should be all sitting in a circle around one television in a care home. Lee Mack's along after this. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Working towards a mintier world with Dreamer Soft Mints. Absolute Radio.

Lee Mack is in the studio. Good morning. How are you? I'm very well, thank you. How fabulous to have you on. Oh, how fabulous to be in my second home. Yeah. Yes, you have been in a home before. I have, yes. So, I feel like I've interviewed you.

You've been on twice when I've been on. I think I've been on twice, yeah, twice. But when you've been doing your leave of absence, where you somehow wangle this thing where you manage to go wherever you want in the world, whenever you feel like it, I step in. Leave of Absence sounds like an American film about World War... Yeah. Korea. Yeah, it's not quite as gruelling as that, you were at the World Cup.

Yeah, exactly. It was quite gruelling. It was a different tour of the world, wasn't it? Yeah, but from a painful patriotic aspect, it was pretty horrible. I presume you've talked about us not getting the World Cup this morning, have you? Have we not got it? Sorry to break this to you. Sorry, sorry. I taped it. I haven't had a chance to watch it

back yet. Oh, right. I've got your medical results here as well. The double whammy. How did they go? Oh, not good. Is that how you spell chlamydia? So, yeah, what did you think about not getting the World Cup? I think, see, everyone complains about the Sunday Times and Panorama and all that.

The reason why is because they're trying to expand football around the world, aren't they? And they're not looking after the regular customers. It's like these phone companies that offer the new customers, you know, half-priced texts for the first six months or whatever, and the old customers, they get nothing. I see. So we're the old customers, aren't we? Yeah.

English football fans. Basically, Western Europe is the heart of football, I think. That's where most football money is generated. I suppose South America's going to take a bit of it. Well, it's South America, but in terms of week-on-week club football, you don't get any bigger than Italy, Spain. I keep hitting that piece of metal next to him. I like it. I thought you were doing it.

He's making a point. I keep hitting that piece of metal next to him. I like it. I thought you were doing it. He's making a point. I'm passionate. So, yeah, basically, Spain, Italy and England, you know, they're the three major, Scotland as well, three major regular football sort of generated countries. It's like, I found this when I was an alcoholic. On New Year's Eve, I got really resentful

that people came and stood at the bar and got in the way who didn't really get drunk the rest of the year round. Exactly. Look after the regular drunk. Why didn't they send you to pitch? We'd have got it then. I'd have been better than Prince William. And Prince William said, I love football. No, you don't.

Look, guys. It would have been much better if, instead of Prince William, a bloke from the West Midlands would have gone, look, Mr Blatter. Yeah. When I was an alcoholic. Exactly. No, but if they were pitching for the Polo World Cup,

I wouldn't have minded William going and talking about it. But what's he... He doesn't care. He supports Aston Villa, apparently. Yeah, well, exactly. What does that tell you? And he doesn't, does he? I mean, do you think he'll be up there next weekend? Watch the Albion play?

No, no, I don't think he's going to be. Because that's the one game he misses. Well, I think that nowadays, the price of the tickets, you can't go to all the Albion games anymore. No, exactly. Even Harry's not going to turn up to that one, is he? I kept calling him the future king of England as well. He finally became Prince Charles. And I thought, yeah, hold on a minute. Yeah. We'll see. I hated that. But it was a day of presumption.

But he's still the future king of England, isn't he? Not necessarily. He's the ultimate king of England. He's the ultimate. He's going to, well, he's going to. It's going to happen eventually, isn't it? It's a bit, it's like me saying, yes, I'm definitely going to Qatar for the 2020 World Cup. I am definitely going.

It's a bit... Who knows what's round the corner? Hmm. What I'm saying is Prince William is not immortal. Right. Or there could be a Republican rising. Blimey, this show's changed. I suppose he was talking about Big Brother. Yeah, well, what's that?

He's just looking at the telly. Sorry, I was watching the golf. I just thought... Come on, it's only a couple of links. Just pay attention. A couple of links? Yeah, a couple of links. Hurrah! So, look, we'd better get the plugs in, hadn't we? Why, are we running on gas? No.

Oh, I've done it again, I've hit that piece of metal. Yes, the plugs. I'm here to shamelessly plug my DVD, going out, available last week. Available last week? Available this week as well. I mean, it was out last week. Okay. Well, I've seen the show, and it was very, very funny. Thank you, yes. So if it's the same thing, then the DVD's going to be funny.

Verbatim, yeah. Unless, you know, the lens kept on. I'd go as far as to say, if you've seen it live, don't bother buying the DVD. I don't know. But that's probably not the way to plug it, is it? No, it's not. I've never seen anyone say that on BBC Breakfast. Not yet. Yes.

And there's a sitcom as well. My sitcom's coming out in January. January the... 10th. To be confirmed, I've just been told. To be confirmed. What, you mean it's not going out at all? Oh, it is going out. The BBC haven't confirmed it.

It is going out, but it's called Not Going Out. It's called Not Going Out, yeah, which was quite brave for a non-broadcast pilot when we made it. Yeah. But, um, but yes, it's called Not Going Out, and it is going out on something of January, hopefully, but it's to be confirmed. Hmm, I wonder what that's dependent on. That sounds ominous. Well, they said last time it was to be confirmed,

and they cancelled it, so I don't know if that's good or bad. Yeah, you're sure they said to be confirmed? They didn't say to be cancelled. It was the stamp, and you misread it. Oh, not to be confirmed, to be rewritten. We got a memo, to be rewritten and refilmed and recast. Hey, take yourself lucky, I've still got one in the can at ITV. Have you, Frank?

All filmed five years ago, still sitting there. Not been shown? No. So bad. Instead of TBC, it says NBS. No, we're not having this. We're not showing it. Oh, you want to get that troll around the other channels.

That's what you want to do. You want to be flogging it around, knocking on doors. I think they've forgot where they put it. They've had it so long. Why can't you physically knock on people's doors with copies? Oh, that's dignified. What, this Christmas? Just go around and say,

it was never shown, would you like to see it? I could play it on big speakers like carol singers. Outside the door. You can have a big screen on top of your car and just drive around the West End. Pointing. I can't afford that, because I didn't show. Anyway, this is not about me, it's about you. Yeah.

Yeah, so are you a Christmassy sort of a, are you going to be the sort of person that has the whole family round all down north? We usually do, yeah. Yeah, no, I've been the host for the last two, where I've cooked for everybody. I bet you carve. I, I, oh, I, no, that's the one job I don't do. I don't believe that. No, no, I hand that over host for the last two, where I've cooked for everybody. I bet you carve. Oh, I can't. No, that's the one job I don't do. I don't believe that. No, no, I hand that over, because I play the lady that day.

Oh. And the gentleman, the gentleman carves, the lady cooks. Is it like when the officers prepare the meal in the army for the normal? Is that what they do? That's what they do for Christmas, yeah. Oh, right. Well, no, it's, yeah, I suppose it's a bit like that, yeah.

I soaked my turkey for two weeks in a bucket of water. I heard that. In the cellar, because that's what Nigella told me to do. I bet you make a terrible mess, Lee. You soaked it for two weeks? Or was it a week? You soak it in a bucket of water. Or maybe it was three days.

I can't remember. But you soak it in water and you throw loads of stuff in the bucket. And then you put it... You sound a great cook. Was it three days or two weeks? I can't remember. Is it three weeks in the bucket and four hours in the oven? Or is it days or two weeks? I can't remember. Is it three weeks in the bucket and four hours in the oven or is it the other way around? I can't remember, but it was...

Was it alive when you put it in? Is that your main method of killing? If anyone else says that to me... Sorry, my dear, was that alive when you put it in? You only ever have your neighbours around, though. Whenever you talk, you just say, yeah, you do. Neighbours are the only people that come round to your house. No, we've had Christmas dinner with family. Oh, OK.

Don't make me out like some sort of sad loner. Well, Lee doesn't like comedians. Oh, we don't have comedians. Lee has said to me... I've said to Frank, I said to Frank, comedians aren't real friends. Did you say that? Really? He was the beardy one.

So I thought, oh. He's got my best mate, so be careful. But then I backtrassed furiously and I said, apart from you and David, they're different. Most comedians aren't real friends. They're just, you know, they're acquaintances. Is that right? Well, I think most of them are.

Do you believe that, Frank? I think it's part, no. Well, I said to you, I said, my theory is that for me personally, I think I had, I said to you, I said, my theory is that, for me personally, I think I had about 30 comedians turn up for my 40th birthday, but I don't think any would turn up for my funeral. I think Frank had a look in his eye like, oh, no, I reckon you'll get more turning up for your funeral.

Right, this is... You'd be DJing. This is Ross Abbott's atmosphere. No, I shall definitely turn on... Especially if you're Morkham and Wise, memorabilia is going to be... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll have a little stall at the side. The kids will be manning. It's all got to go. The kids will be manning. You're going north and coming in crazy.

So I said to my wife... Anyway. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, uh, do you think you'll go to Qatar? Um, are you asking if I've got a cold? No. In Qatar, if you're still alive.

You know, Qatar, when the World Cup's on, it'll be 40-60. You don't think anyone's gonna hold out, do you? You've got William as not being king, you've got me not making it to 2020. When is it, 2022? Yeah. I've given up football, I've had enough. I'm on strike and I think everyone that's into football

should go on strike until FIFA say, all right, we've changed our mind, you can have the World Cup. Like the Scottish referee? Yeah, I reckon if everyone stopped going to football in England, FIFA would panic. They wouldn't, would they? No, they wouldn't care. See, the thing is, FIFA only make money from the World Cup.

So this is their one chance to make money. And they've gone for a country that's going to make them less money. It's not just about money, is it? 46 degrees. Bear in mind... In Qatar? Oh, I love it. I'll be an old-age pensioner. I'll just become an old-age pensioner when the Qatar World Cup happens.

Will you? Yeah, so obviously I'll probably be keeping my living room at about 46 degrees, generally. But... You'll be going out to the Middle East to keep warm every winter then, anyway. So you might as well watch the World Cup. Well, but it'll kill me, won't it, 46 degrees?

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe if you go to Russia, it'll be minus 46 degrees. But I don't mind Russia having it, because Russia... I think Russia is a proper footballing country. I always have images of the child, Lev Yashin, in gold, dressed all in black. I've because I think Russia is a proper footballing country. I always have images of the child Lev Yashin in gold, dressed all in black. I've no doubt that they're a proper footballing country.

I'm not saying that they shouldn't have it. I'm saying that we should have it more. That's all I'm saying. That's a sophisticated argument. Thank you. Can I read something that was in the Sun this week? The Sun, Mafia to Racism, your A to Z of Russia. Nice.

Well, for a start-off, that's not... You normally put something that begins with A and something that begins with Z. But they've just picked the two nastiest things they can think of. Sour grapes. I don't like it. So, are you enjoying the terrible weather? You look like the sort of bloke taking in your stride. I love the terrible weather. I did. I drove back from my last tour date in Sheffield at 20 miles an hour, right?

And we took about seven hours, but there's a part of me that thought that was glamorous because we were, it was tough. You know, we were driving and the snow was beating down on the car. I quite like the cold. Brilliant. I love it. I love the cold and the weather and the fact that, you know, you get a day off school. Not me, my son.

Yeah. We never had a day off school. I know. It's different. What's happened? Is the heating not working nowadays? Because in the old days we used to have to go. Oh, we got days off school. Did you?

Did you read about that woman who phoned the police because someone stole her snowman? No. Yeah. Her snowman had gone missing from the... She thought it was a police matter because she'd used pound coins for eyes. You're not serious. I'm totally serious.

Was there not, like, was it not a chance that it was three weeks later and the sun had come out? No, because all the rest of the thing was there. The snowmen had been removed. It is an odd thing to steal. Well, it's, you know, it's your own fault, isn't it, if you're going to use... Well, it's not like you couldn't get the pound coins out. Did she also say I'd like to report a missing carrot? And a scarf.

A scarf, yeah. And two twigs. I use twigs, dear. She actually said she used dessert spoons for its arms. Dessert spoons? Yeah. Used to look a bit odd. Surely you'd use a wooden spoon or...

I mean, it's not very big arms, is it? You have to use what you can get, I think. Oh, yeah, twigs infinitely preferable. You might not have noticed, though. If you're the kind of woman that can afford to use money for eyes, you could probably throw money at the problem and have a couple of prosthetic arms manufactured to make them look like proper, realistic arms.

Well, the coins on the eyes, of course, is a deathbed thing. So it's probably taken away by the authorities. They thought it was a frozen homeless person being laid to rest. It's not... Laid to rest in an upright position. Yeah, well, when they're that stiff, you might as well. Also, they're much easier for storage.

I don't know if you've ever collected frozen-to-death homeless people in a council van, but they're much better if you keep them horizontal, vertical. Why would you keep coins out right as well? Coins are too small, you've got, it's gonna look odd. They're too small in proportion to the head, but then again we don't know how big the head was. No we don't know. But we're imagining. We need more information, I think that's

what you're getting at. Yeah. Anyway, it's been lovely. We would make good policemen, would we? It's been lovely having you on. Can we establish again your DVD's out now? My DVD's out now for my stand-up, and the sitcom will be on in January. That's pretty much all the plugs I need to do. All we need to know, we can't possibly know whether the sitcom's going to be funny,

we can only base it on the previous series. I've got a second-hand REM album on eBay, if I can just plug that. It's currently at £2.46. How long to go? Oh, well? I'm trying to get it up to five. How long to go? Oh, well, I was going to say three days, but the way you think, I probably won't even make it that long, will I?

No. Optimistic. Lee, it's been great having you on, as ever. Thank you. Buy Lee's DVD. I've seen the show. It's very, very funny. And I look forward to the sitcom coming back.

And can I just cheesily say Merry Christmas to all you listeners? Ah, lovely. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sponsored by Treeball Soft Mints. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a little bit of a complaint in, I'm afraid. What? It's from Dawn Carter.

She says, I'm a bit miffed at your newsreader. Oh dear, it's about the newsreader. Sean Alan Moy. Yes, Sean Alan Moy. Sounds like a Tory MP. I'm a bit miffed at your newsreader's description of Stacey Solomon. I would not refer to her as an X Factor reject. She came third, for goodness sake.

Yeah, well, I think the thing is, I think he's joining in with that football thing. But even if somebody leaves another team for, like, 20 million, when they come back, you go, feel a reject, feel a reject. But no, I actually said, before that came in, I said, that's a bit harsh. You did, you did.

Stacey has been, she's done marvellous things for the ordinary people in this country. Because she's gone on that show, and I thought, I'll want to kill her after two days for going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But in fact, she's been absolutely brilliant.

You've warmed to her, haven't you? Yeah, I think she, I would very, very have her, very happily have her do our next World Cup bid. Oh, God, don't go that far. Instead we've got stupid old Becca where everyone's saying, no, he's a great ambassador.

I mean, no. He sort of goes, I'll be pleased if we get, please give us... What we done, what we done. He's no Emir of Qatar, let's face it. He's no Emir of Qatar, I've said that many times. But can the Emir of Qatar cross a ball? I don't think so.

Also, Frank, we had some texts in just about some dance suggestions for you. Oh, yes. If I did the comic relief dance thing, what dance should I do? I'd suggest for Frank's comic relief dance, he simply wanders around looking grumpy and adjusting guitar amplifiers seemingly arbitrarily.

This is from Sam and Lincoln. Thank you, Sam. That's a reference to the fall's frontman, Marky Smith, is what he does during shows, and he's something of a legendary figure on this show, but thank you very much. Incidentally, I noticed, speaking of the fall,

I had an idea about this show and the fall, and this station and the fall. And Radio 3, for the first 12 days of January, are playing only Mozart. Wouldn't it be? What a publicity thing. Oh, my God.

If Absolute just played the four... Obviously not Absolute 40s. They've got their Vera Lynn week. But apart from that, I would very, very very much that would be brilliant times are hard enough as it is i think with the cold and yeah things do we know it's a good idea we'll write that down i think i think it's mozart will be played on absolute 1870s that was a complete guess i don't know when he was around that's not don't worry about it frank i slept with a thousand women in my wild years but i'm sorry now i had no idea it wasn't me

that explains the monkey boots you've got on this one oh that's what that was um huckers it was it was all things hucknallian that was yeah m mick hocknell has apologized to the thousand women he slept with how brilliant i think they should apologize to society for sleeping because they're probably quite attractive they've slept with mick hocknell i mean i know he was in a fire and all that but even so even so they've gone against the general order of humanity by sleeping with uh the hockster he's got a funny little face, hasn't he? He was in a fire. He wasn't really, Frank. Was he not?

No. I always assumed he was in a fire, was he? I never read about it. Well, his hair's come out of it alright. I just thought, well, he's in a fire. There's no question about that. You say his hair's come out of it alright. I think that's a matter of some

debate. His hair's come out of it alright right. I think that's a matter of some debate. His hair's come out of it all right. But what was odd was that he said I would like to issue a formal public apology. He actually said that to the women. I love that, though. Did he name names? Did he give a thousand names? What, a thousand names?

He probably will. He can probably get it on microfiche. What's he apologising for, though, just for being fast and loose with their emotions? Well, I don't know. I know the headline in The Sun was, sorry, swordsman. I prefer Simply Bed. Simply Bed? Was that another one?

Yeah. Oh, OK. I prefer Sex on Fire, which was the headline in my own particular... I'm scratching my leg furiously. We'd better move on. I've got Ben ben jones banging on the window like a child looking into a christmas theme store that's what i've got so um look it's thanks for listening this week and um if you want to listen to uh not the weekend

podcast then um you can download that on wednesday that's all different stuff. Our guest next week is... Al Murray. Al Murray. You don't sound very sure. It's either Al Murray or Al Sharpton, the American civil rights leader. We can't read the second name, frankly. So thank you so much for listening

and good night here. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.