The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Strictly

Episode Date: October 8, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Steve Hall. Frank has been clothes shopping, Steve has been listening to an old student radio quiz show and the team discuss an unusual job advert.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute, er, what do we do, radio, with Emily Dean. Steve Hall is with us today. His friends call him Albert, but we still call him Steve. You can text the show on someone's phone, won't you then? I suspect it was me that's my unprofessional alarm you can text the show on 812 15

someone just has by the sounds of it follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio email the show free via frank

at absoluteradio.co.uk Frank I think it's safe to say we've been inundated with correspondence regarding your jacket. Really? Yeah. Have you... Would you like to update the readers?

Well, I wore a jacket last week. Oh, you wore a jacket last week. So I watched it, seeing it on Instagram. Delightful. You like it? I loved it. Which is probably... That means you have to burn it on Instagram, delightful. You like it? I loved it. Which is probably, that means you have to burn it in a bin immediately. No, it was a jacket that I...

You got off it. I'm genuinely... I could see Frank re-evaluating the jacket as you said that. At least I know who I'm going to give it to if I get rid of it. So I've got a jacket and it's not a know who I'm going to give it to if I get rid of it so I've got a jacket and it's not a jacket that I'm championing it's a jacket

I'm genuinely torn I don't know whether I like it or not so it's the jacket I've had it for years and I just I wear it for a bit and then think

no I don't like it and then I pine for it so we had a vote I mean in case people haven't seen the jacket it's been compared to many things So we had a vote. I mean, in case people haven't seen the jacket, it's been compared to many things. We've had so many tweets and emails and texts about it.

Really? Wow. It's been compared to Life on Mars. Oh, yes, it could be from that era. They mean the TV show the not the David Bowie Life on Mars question mark we've had someone else saying it was like the seating on a

triumph stag okay we also had someone else simply saying God bless Hockey Street yeah that was

that was my favourite did anyone say Donnie Brasco that was mine I don't think they said God bless Hockey Street what was the brilliant thing they said no income tax no income tax no money donnie Brasco? That was mine. I don't think they said God bless Hockey Street. What was the brilliant thing?

No income tax. No income tax. No, I see. Donnie Brasco, someone said. That's the ears, the big ears on it. Liam says, that's Frank's signature jacket. If I close my eyes, I can see him in it. It's that synonymous with him.

Really? Is this your equivalent? This is Liz Hurley's that dress. Well, I told you, when I was living in the West Midlands in my youth, Really? Is this your equivalent of this is Liz Hurley's that dress? Well, I told you, when I was living in the West Midlands in my youth, if you was describing anyone, you wouldn't say, yeah, he's tall bloke, he's got like a crew cut. You'd say, you know, he wears like a light brown jacket because we only had one set of clothes each.

So it's a very good way of identifying people. Of course, it's all gone now, all that. Someone on Twitter described the colour as caramac. Yes, I've seen that was fair, but that is blonde chocolate. It's called now. Oh, right. It is, it's called blonde chocolate. We'll return to the jacket inevitably at some point,

but I'd like to finish up with uh angela scanlon who we adore you like yeah i'm familiar with her work and angela robot loss can't go wrong yeah she initially said no comment oh then that's a very funny thing to put on why bring it up then she elaborated and she said look i, I mean, if anyone can wear it, it's you. That's nice, I think. Hold that thought. Yeah. I think we'd all rather no one did, you know?

Oh, okay. Scanlon. Satirist. No, she's very, I did, I think I hosted the one show with her. Yeah. I could be wrong. She's fabulous. The old memory, you know.

The old memory. And a lot of people saying, most generally, I'm with Kath. We've had several people. Because Kath hates it. That's my partner, Kath, in case you're new to the show. Although if you're still with the show after we've spent five minutes talking about a jacket you haven't seen then you should really be listening to radio

for drama give the people what they want Frank this is all they want that's fine we get nice gifts sent to the show in recent times I had a fantastic book arrive called Poems in Progress, a British library product.

And it was poems, the sort of manuscript of poems, you know, in their own hand. Well, Milton's wasn't. It was complicated. But modern poets as well. And it's brilliant. And there's no letter saying who. I feel confident you were probably the only commercial radio breakfast host to get that.

Well, Titch Marsh, maybe. I think we're up against Titch Marsh. Are we on a Saturday, Sarah? Oh, I don't know actually help um so that was brilliant but there's no letter with it so i don't know who sent it seems like it just came from the british library as if that was a a person and we had um i'll tell you what we had uh art and hugh you know we we hear it now and again from Odysseus Constantine. And he sends lovely pictures.

And he sent Emily Henry VIII's picture, which I never realised how much Henry VIII looks like Ben Stokes. I mean, it's really quite remarkable. Would he be a good crush for me? I need a new one. Ben Stokes, I think he it's really quite remarkable. Would he be a good crush for me? I need a new one. Ben Stokes, I think he'd be excellent. Or Henry VIII. Oh, he still is my crush.

Too late for Henry VIII. Also, I've heard some bad stories about him and women. Yeah, I think he's been cancelled. Yeah, probably. None of us are perfect. No, that is true. Yeah, and I was, as he said, I've enclosed a print of Frank's first crush,

Honor Blackman as Cathy Gale in The Avengers. It was my first celebrity crush. I don't want to completely ignore Annie Law, who was in our class, who I was mad about, but obviously I never told her I was like six. I mean, disgusting. Clean your mouth, Ed, she would have said. Yeah, it says here,

the first independent female character on TV. Quite hard to establish, I would have thought. Open brackets, apparently because the writers didn't have time to adjust the scripts written with a man in mind. I never knew that. Did you know that, Steve? I did not know that.

So it was an independent woman by accident. Yeah, exactly. It was an independent woman playing what was actually an independent man. Okay. So, but today we heard from Andy Wood, who you may remember lives in Bronte country. We hear from him now and again. Do you know Andy Wood?

No. Thanks for the tip. And he sent me a T-shirt, and I think he's also sent Emily one. So do you want me to reveal mine first or yours first? Because we don't know what each other's got. Emily's is still in the cellophane. Pristine cellophane.

I'd rather see yours before I commit, if you know what I mean. Oh, still using that line. Well, mine, it's a picture. I'm going to show Emily first of all. Oh, I like it. I like it. It's the king.

Not Elvis. It's the king, not the king. King Charles holding the pen and saying every stinking time it's actually that moment captured with a speech bubble so that's brilliant oh well done Andy really great I've got an Emily if Emily's got the same one obviously they're good foley artist sound effect revealveal, they call this unboxing, don't they, online? Do they? They say, hi guys

There's people that just do this, aren't there? Hi guys, I'm going to be doing some unboxing now Hi guys, so what we've got in here And they just sit there opening the goods they've been sent It's sort of bribes, really I think it's started by Burke and Hare. The genre. Here we are, Frank.

The big reveal. Okay. Okay, do you want to tell... I really hope it's something nice. Oh, it is. It is Henry VIII. Say it every stinking time. This is possibly the greatest thing I've ever said either.

That is very fine. It's Henry VIII with a speech bubble, and it's a proper... It's not Comic Sans, that, is it? But it's the comic typeface, Frank, that you get in. I don't know. I don't know enough about font. OK, but it's rather beautiful.

Yes, it is. It's very good indeed. I won't do a Henry VIII impression because whatever I do, it's like I heard somebody saying that they did a really good pterodactyl impression. I thought, that's going to be hard to ratify that. Yeah, you've heard of pterodactyl.

Or like I said, I know my Henry VIII impression. Hello. I don't know. I'm very afraid to go. So who knows? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went, I've been shopping this week, clothes shopping. For a new jacket? For just new, just new stuff. And I went and I tried a jacket on, which I liked. Okay.

And the assistant, the young female assistant, said, I said, what do you think of this size? She said, I think that's good. I think that's all right. So I said, I think it's a bit small. I said, I think I wouldn't mind trying a size up from this. And she said, okay, well, we might have a bigger size. I don't mind checking.

And I said, oh, that's very good of you. And she said, oh, no, no worries. And I thought she didn't get any irony or anything. But she was kind of sweet, but it was the very strong idea that this was someone who happened to be in the shop and was helping me out. Yeah. And then I went to get some shoes.

You've probably guessed I've got a clothing allowance coming from a television series. I was going to say. Nevertheless, nevertheless. So I picked four pairs of shoes and I said, can I try these? And then I'll decide. Can I ask, did you have anyone with you helping you?

I had my personal assistant. Did she offer you? Oh, she's got good taste. That's reassuring. consistent did she offer you oh she's got good taste that's reassuring uh anyway i she said you can only have three pairs at any one time to try on i said that's the actual rule three she said yeah so why is that she said oh otherwise they get all mixed up i thought they're completely different shoes how does that happen anyway i didn't want to, so that happened. There's like a 10 items or less.

Yeah. So, I mean, I presume she meant pairs. Can I try three shoes? And it just made me think it might be an interesting text in things shop assistants have said to you. an interesting text in things shop assistants have said to you because i realized that over there was a time maybe 20 years ago i would have got quite you know miffed if someone had said well i don't mind checking and now i just absolutely accept a very low level of service yeah uh and i'd also like that thing at the end you know this thing that they always do

you but i i one is i spent like i bought quite a bit in this one shop and then the woman said right we got uh three t three t-shirts in a box for just uh blah i said no i don't want any t-shirt i would have got t-shirts if i needed them she said said, you know, it's quite a bargain. I said, I don't want it. I said, I bought all this stuff. Why do you need me to buy more? She said, OK, well, just, OK, just give me your email and your name. Oh, the email. And I said, no, I don't want to do that.

She said, that's really helpful. I said, who to, though? So I didn't give it. And I left there. I'd spent money in there. It wasn't mine, but I'd spent it. I should hope so after that performance. And I really felt like, you know,

I'd let the shop down in some way because I'd bought the stupid T-shirts and given them my email. I mean, what's going on? I thought they'd be really glad. I thought they'd love me for spending that money in there in this tight financial climate. Can I ask you a question?

When did you last go into retail environments? Last time I had a clothing lounge from a TV series. But you weren't tempted to... Because I remember you once, in a bookshop, someone had said, in a minute, and you'd put the books down on the counter and exited. Yes, I did do that. Now, I've mellowed.

I have. I have to say, my expectations of shop assistants are so low. Well, I'm talking of things that shop assistants say. You know, I mean, I think I've told you this before, Frank, but the thing I have a real aversion to, and it will make me walk out of a shop, is, I appreciate it's quite picky but uh welcome to me it is the specific tone the that shop assistants use when when they say do you

need any help at all they don't say that they say do you need any help at all yeah i quite like that mainly because i wrote the tune for that and And I get money every time they say it. I also wrote, hello, can I help you? I wrote that as well. And the royalties were fantastic. Actually, the woman who asked me said she didn't mind checking. I got chatting to her after. She was comparing me to her dad quite a lot.

And she was actually very sweet. I don't even equate it with rudeness. I just think it's the way shop assistants now speak. It's the genre. That's what I'm thinking. If there's any shop assistants listening, I think it should be a word. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

What do you think of this from Third Frame? Best Saturday morning show since Tiz was. Thanks Skinner Show, Absolute Radio. Oh, it's something about us. Yeah, what do you think? I thought he was on about... I think they're rerunning Skippy on London TV. That's good.

We don't normally do praise. You've slightly put me on the back foot. Well, I wasn't sure. The reason I selected it is because I'm not 100% convinced it was Praise. Oh, OK. OK? Ruth Jordan also, Frank. I strongly feel that Divine Miss M should have accompanied Frank

on his clothes shopping trip with a camera crew. A great TV show could have come out of Emily as Frank's stylist, quietly placing Frank's choices back on the fracks and steering him gently towards style. I actually did one of those things that I think of as very much as a thing that women do, is walk past a garment and just give it the slightest little touch between the index finger and thumb and keep walking.

I believe they're called sleeve pullers in the trade. Oh, are they? That's what sleeve pullers are. Thank God for that. 082 has agreed with your comment about the way staff introduce

themselves in shops. They've said they've noticed the phrase, yeah, I can definitely do that for you. Yeah. With a sort of

air of menace. No, I just got used to it now. I had, you know, politeness, a whole fashion concept. Anyway, now. I had, you know, politeness, a whole fashion concept. Anyway, this week I had to sign 5,000 vinyl record sleeves.

And that is, that's quite hard work. That reminded me of my factory days. that's quite hard that reminded me of my factory days um and it was it was just me david baddiel and ian brody no clues as to what the record was um sitting in a in a room at sony with this pile upon pile of this stuff i mean wowee and um it got into the signing and I started talking about Strictly and having watched Strictly that week and I realised I'd signed five sleeves Frank Strictly that's how mad I've gone by that point That's your late night adult name. Coincidentally, that's my S&M name. Oh, God.

They'll be worth something. Those five records will end up on discogs.com. Yeah, I don't know if they might have discarded them, but I hope they've kept the Frank Street place. I think that would have been good. How long does that take? We signed a few on... We signed about 1,000 the day before.

Signing 4,000 took us from 10 o'clock till 6pm. Really? I know, it's really... It's very nearly a day. It's all right for David, but just as initials. It's like he's made a mistake on a cheque. Does he just do initials? I mean, at least I do Frank Strictly.

But it's one of those... That's like that autograph I got from Frank Bruno. Do you remember that, Frank? Was it F. Bruno? Yeah, I think I was down to F. Dear Emma. I think F is all right. I was down to F. Dear Emma. I think F is all right. I don't mind that.

But it's so... You just... All your standards drop. So I say, how many to go? 3,000. Got any biscuits? It's just like that. I was just eating cake.

Cake dipped in syrup. Did you have a little... They give you some luncheon vouchers, though, so you could go and get something to eat. Oh yeah, they took us to the canter. There's a few perks we could have and eat.

Me and Dave took an intern to choose what music we could listen to while he was doing it. What did David Plump for? I went, I started Lovely Eggs

and then he went Diamond Dogs, David Bowie. Oh, lovely choices. I'm liking this room. I'm feeling this room. And then I went to Kraftwerk.

Okay. He went to Jodie Mitchell. I went Alice Cooper. He went Beth Orton. What about Ian Brodie? Did he play his own music? He didn't get a pick. On the subject of shop assistants,

Jimmy has tweeted to say he was eyeing up a belt in Camden Market and he told the... Hey, big spender! He was eyeing up a belt and he said he told the vendor, I would have a think and come back later. The vendor replied,

have a think when you're buying a hovercraft, not when you're buying a belt. The vendor replied, have a think when you're buying a hovercraft, not when you're buying a belt. He says, I bought the belt. That's pretty good. I really, really like that. Frank, Claire Cowley has got in touch once long ago. Oh, this is a bit of a, shall I settle myself down for this one?

Gathered by the Firesideide it's the Shrek sequel then I saw her babe oh I love that the children love that song don't they in the Bowdoin shop near Hanger Lane Giratory

getting less fairy tale-ish what's the Bowdo Bowdoin what is that oh okay I'll deal with this Steve Bowdoin yeah is possibly oh ok I'll deal with this Steve Bowdoin

yeah is possibly I'd say it's peak middle class lovely lovely clothes lovely Johnny Bowdoin

ok for men or for the ladies for all of us ok for all of us and the Bowdoin I'm thinking

it used to be associated with a sort of slight Guernsey sweater Breton vibe. Maybe carrying a copy of the Times on a Sunday and sitting down and thought,

croissant. You're right. Hang a lane, Joy Ranger. He was a bit of a swerve. Often is for me. Kate, the Duchess of Sussex

is a Bowdoin fan. Is that right? It's your classic, your classic simple looks. I love a bit of Bowdoin. Anyway, I was in Bowdoin queuing behind a very elegant lady with arms full of chic, casual clothes. The assistant checked the account info loudly and

read out the said lady's credentials. I then learned your fave Honor Blackman's full address. Oh, wow. This must be going back a bit, of course, because sadly no longer with us, but

that, you do want to be giving out on a black and white dress. What if I'd been in the queue? I'd have been around there like, I hope she was buying a leather onesie as worn by Cathy Gale all those many years ago. She was a Bond girl as well, of course, on her. She was, wasn't she?

Well, I don't know if we'd say her name on Breakfast Radio. I don't think we'd say that character name anymore. Let's say Ms Galore. Yes. Yeah. I'm sorry. Of the Worcestershire Galores. I still can't, I'm struggling to get over have a think when you're buying a hovercraft on a belt. It's really good, that.

So good. It's excellent life advice. I think they'd probably use, but we've all, I actually did a... I'll have a think about it and come back in the shop where I didn't buy the T-shirts. And I meant it. I tried a coat and I thought, oh, maybe.

And she didn't believe me. I think that's basically, to a shop assistant, that means goodbye. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm not that optimistic.

I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning. Good morning. Just correspondence coming in. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Is there an Outsider Worldie? There is.

We were discussing shop assistance. Yeah, we've had David Parker, Harrington Clothes Shop in Sheffield Market, The Changing Room is Up the Ladders. This was for both men and women. The changing room is up the ladders. I quite, I think I like that, unless he wasn't underneath

the changing room. It was grid, it was metal grid work. Was it in the industrial zone of the Crystal Maze, this shop? Yeah, so I don't really expect to have a chance. If it's on a market, I just see you pay your money, it takes you a risk.

Linda Denigan, I bought a £10 item in M&S, gave a tenner, assistant gave me £10 change. Resolved. When I pointed out her mistake, she said you can't scam me wow I know I gave you £20 I'm not stupid

I left with my free item that is a very amazing what the assistant said I know I gave you £20 yes she's saying I know I gave you £20? Yes. She's saying, I know you gave me £20. Oh, I see. That makes sense.

The idea that she perceives that as a scam. Yes. I mean, it was hard that the assistant thought anyone would attempt to scam on those principles. Not that old given. She thought she was being framed. Maybe she thought it was fake money or something like that. A mystery shopper there to dobber in.

And become a boss or something like that. I mean, I would have soon got over their rudeness if I'd got £10 like that for myself. Well, she might have thought it was counterfeit. I was in a shop only recently, and there was an investigation into whether this was legal tender, because obviously we have to say that in a Scottish accent. And the gentleman in question, who was being questioned,

it was the definition of protesting too much, because he was trying to get the fellow shoppers on side. He was looking at us saying, I mean, I've been spending this everywhere. I've been spending this everywhere. I haven't had a problem. I thought, well, that's not really... It's not convincing me. This was as he was... Did he have a counterfeit?

Anyway. Was it a comedian returning from the Edinburgh Festival? That's a very common... I know, you come back with your Scottish money and no-one will take it. I mean, his did look, I have to say, there was something of the toy town it's beautiful scottish money i think this gentleman's money had a toy town vibe scottish money is is lovely i would say in some sense it's superior i tell you what i haven't had

for a while is uh someone holding up um one of my notes to check. Oh, yes. They used to look for the silver paper going down the middle. I don't think that happens anymore in the plastic. They have a special machine now. Oh, is that right? The worst thing a shop assistant has ever said to me, I was in one of those posh shops on New Bond Street. Why? I was clearly out of my depth.

Well, that was exactly it. The shop assistant came up to me, clearly looking at my slightly dowdy attire and said, why are you in here? Wow. They didn't. And there was a real, I sort of, I kind of had to acknowledge it.

There was a real, yeah, you're right. I'd gone in not knowing that it was that expensive. I should have known from the street I was on. No need for that, though. It was... Poor Steve. I laughed out of awkwardness and then pretended to browse. I think I've told on here before that I went in a shop in that,

I think, on Piccadilly. And the bloke said, I don't think you'll be able to afford anything in here. Did they? Did you have your pretty woman? Huge mistake. I was shabbily dressed. But I thought I could probably have a crack at buying a shop.

Anyway, that was the end. This is now. So what about your life, Steve Hall? What have you been up to? Have you usually done some... Oh, as soon as we asked that, the producer did the... No, don't do that.

No, no, yank it. There's no mileage in this, trust me. I've been in radio a long time. Oh, poor Steve Hall. I mean, you weren't that shop assistant, were you, Sarah? Why am I in here? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You weren't that shop assistant, were you, Sarah? Why am I in here? So we were talking about Steve Hall. Steve Hall.

Hold on. Producers are getting ready to jump in again. Don't silence me. Go on, Steve. I obviously do this show every now and then and live my lonely life. My wife got me a birthday present. Live my lonely life.

My wife was the next thing. That's a bad juxtaposition. My wife's birthday present to me was a machine that... Machine gun. It'll turn old cassette tapes. It'll digitise them and you can put them on your computer so stuff i'd recorded off the radio it's a good gift it was a really it was a gift that i felt i felt seen i felt like my wife got me okay gift uh and uh one of the things that i'd

recorded off in fact an old girlfriend had recorded it off the radio for me in 1997. It was a student quiz that I did when I was at university, and it was like the local student radio station. Right. And one of the people, it was me, it was people from my college, one of the people who did it was a really good mate of mine, Steph Guerrero, who is now, he's a part of the Socially Distanced Sports Bar podcast, which has been a big hit of lockdown,

and now does a TV show with Ellis James. And so I thought, I'll listen to it, because Steph says... Ellis James, he's everywhere. He's everywhere. And I listened to it, and it's fascinating hearing your voice from when you were 18 years old,

or however old I was. And I didn't know that the host of this sports quiz... It's a nerdy thing to record. It was a student... It was a student radio... What did he go out on? It was on Oxygen, was the name of the radio station. It was 107.9, twist it hard to the right, was their slogan.

Because you had to go to the far end of the FM dial. No, exactly. I find that love is like Oxygen. You get too much they got into a lot of trouble that student radio station because they faked a news report they broke all the broadcasting rules

can I stop you for one second I think a lot of people if the room was cold would say the room's a bit cold what Emily Dean has done is layered up these clouds she looks like someone waiting for news from the pit disaster. I'm wearing a coat round my front. Yes, exactly.

OK. I don't know if you're aware of this, but there is a running thing here that no one we've ever had doing admin on the show can operate the heating in the studio. So it's either tropical... It's club tropical or tundra. It's also off-air, Sarah, the producer,

was describing Katy Perry in her documentary when she learns that her divorce is coming through, wrapping herself in a coat and crying. And it feels like you've recreated Katy Perry in her documentary. No, I don't have the intention of crying.

And now I think that was just a ruse to kill another Steve Hall anecdote. Because now she's doing the cutthroat thing. It was a mercy killing. It was a mercy killing. Just behind Steve doing big yawning thing with hand to mouth and the cutthroat thing. So we're just going to go for a break.

I'm going to fight for Steve Hall. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm going to fight for Steve Hall so I was telling you about my listening to this tape of me on a student radio station November 1997 and vanity thy name is Hall and it was

it was quite it was an interesting thing. I thought, I'll listen to this. It's nice, Steph's been on telly a bit. It's nice to hear me old mate see what we sounded like when we were 19 years old. And the host of this student quiz, I had... Can I ask you a question before we get to that?

Sure. Did you say anything funny on there when you thought, oh, I can pull home my hat now? No, no, it was... I said a few funny things, but nothing... I'm not suggesting you didn't say funny things. I'm just wondering if there was any recyclable material. No, there was no...

It was a sports quiz. And what were you saying before, before we get to the mystery host? What were you saying about there was fake news? Yeah, so it was a very newly started radio station and it was run very badly. And they broke loads of broadcasting rules and they got sort of audited or whatever it would be.

And so they had to provide a day's worth of their output for the people to listen to. And they hadn't been recording it at all. They didn't have, they were breaking so many rules. So they faked an entire day of broadcasting. Wow. And they pretended to, let's say it was May the 18th, but the day that they had to provide was February the 21st.

They just read the news as if it was, this is February the 21st, you're listening to student radio. Oh. And they got found out. Oh, out oh they got into a lot of trouble but I quite just the sheer chutzpah of that they just to go for a scam that big yeah just make make people listening to it not that anyone was listening to it so okay so you're on the quiz I'm on the quiz I'm listening to myself and we win the quiz that still mattered to me 25 years later. Yeah. But it turned out the host of the quiz, I had no memory of this,

was a 19-year-old Matt Hancock, the disgraced former health secretary. Wow. And I'm fascinated. Who doesn't do the social distancing podcast? Oh, dear. Matt Hancock. And so immediately I thought I've got to re-listen to it,

see if this is worth... Is there anything interesting that points to his current... I'd like to hear his repartee, I must say. How was he as a host? He was absolutely terrible. But then we were also terrible as contestants as well. Right. So I'd wondered about whether to put it out somewhere

to put it on SoundCloud or something like that for people to listen to. And I sent this to Steph and he said, we sound just as bad as Matt Hancock, that we haven't got him. There's no great, we've got you, Hancock. Did you know, were you mates? No, no, we didn't know Matusa Ranka.

Mates with Hancock? No, no, we didn't. In fact, in the recording you can hear Steph's open contempt for this weird, weird man is the most entertaining thing about the tape. Poor Matt Hancock.

Even then. Even then, dot, dot, dot. It's good to know how you spend your spare time anyway, Steve. Listening to yourself. Always dusty cassettes from a bygone era. Lovely. There's always got to be something slightly quiz-related with Steve, let's be honest. Yes.

There's always got to be a quiz thrown in there somewhere. What's your favourite ever quiz question, Steve? I'll give you a chance to think about that. Have we heard from the outside world? We have. Good morning, Frank. On the subject of shop staff responses, I lived in Hong Kong for a while during the 1990s, and one day I went to buy a small portable music system,

as was very normal in HK at that time. Love HK. You always ask for a discount on the marked price, particularly if you were paying in cash. The ticket price was something around the equivalent of £50, so I felt that I had the right to ask for some kind of discount and offered the shopkeeper £45. His response was,

Sir, we really don't want to stand here talking like a couple of old fishwives, do we? Needless to say, I paid the full price for the music centre. That's Mike Traford in the New Forest. Wow. I mean, I think that's really... The fish wives operate a barter system.

But I thought it was very clever what the shop assistant did. He tried to shame him and never fall for that one. What is a fish wife? 8, 12, 15. We'll go out on that. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. To answer your question, my favourite quiz question, this is hyper nerdy, my favourite ever quiz question was, this took place in a quiz where a very elder statesman in the quiz world warned me beforehand and said listen son this isn't a pub quiz this is a quiz that just happens to take place in a pub oh good so and we put in our place and the question was it was in the early 80s there were six former england captains played for southampton and could you name them okay and

we got most of them it was like keegan shannon shilton mills ball and osgood okay i didn't think you were going to come with the football one i'm going to be honest with you i thought it'd be something about um you know thunderbirds well or something. Well, never mind. Never mind. It's worth a try. Would you like to hear from Cyber Square? Yes. Sounds very up both of your straws.

I was once exiting a changing room when the changing room assistant said to me, oh, no, that doesn't suit you. I was wearing my own clothes. That's very fine. And ought to be in an episode of something like The Harry Worth Show. That's very good.

Do you mind? Yeah. And there's a number of people, for example, Annie Brooks, when I asked a snotty assistant in a well-known store in Piccadilly, okay, F&M, she says, if they stocked a particular wine, he said, it's £16.99. I gave him what my husband calls my look. And I said, I didn't ask the price.

I asked if you had it. I was so incensed I didn't buy it. Hold on, why did he say that? He thought it'd be too expensive. Well, yes. 1699, when did this happen? 1927. I mean, I know these are hard times.

I'm assuming, I mean, let's be honest. I don't know how much a bottle of wine costs, I'll be honest with you. Well, Steve, you're the only drinker on the panel. Well, it depends what quality you go for. I mean let's be honest I don't know how much a bottle of wine costs I'll be honest with you well Steve you're the only drinker on the panel well it depends what quality you go for

I'd spend about 25 quid if I was trying to impress the wife on a bottle of wine oh Flash Harry Flash Harry Steve the only wine I drink

has already turned into Jesus so I don't buy it it's handed out and that you can't put a price on that to be fair when I was I mean I don't buy it, it's handed out. Ah, and that, you can't put a price on that. To be fair, when I was, I mean, I haven't drunk for a while, but when I was drinking wine,

it was generally handed out to me as well. Yeah. Annie Brooks, the thing is... Does she? I gave tone to that shop assistant in order, I'll be frank, to aid her anecdote. Because I felt, well, look, let's give it some tone. There was no tone.

Obviously, there never is with the written word. You know what I've said, text messages should always have stage direction. Well, this is why I hate text and email, but that's another story. Open brackets, hortally closed brackets would have changed everything there. 1699. What if the person was just saying, oh, it's 1699? Yeah. Well, maybe that's what year it was from.

It was a very good year, 1699. This is an excellent showcase for your voiceover skills that you can give different emotions into 1699. I can do all sorts. BBC Radio 4 drama, here we come. You get into that thing, high tension, never finish a sentence. I know, Paul, but I was just... That's all right, Kevin, but why don't you...

If you just listen, I... It's like I can't think of an ending for any of these sentences. I just put dot, dot, dot and let the actors work it through. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. and let the actors work it through. I'm really impressed. You two haven't mentioned Doctor Who. No, you've mentioned it, yes.

Oh, morning. Oh, it's a bit awkward between you. I'm also, I'm nowhere near, I'm a bit of a plastic Doctor Who fan. I can't claim as much knowledge as many people. It's not a competition. I don't like this that it's got to be a quiz. a plastic Doctor Who fan. I can't claim as much knowledge as many people. It's not a competition. I don't like this that it's got to be a quiz. You can just be laughing. Now that you've brought it up, I remember...

Oh, here we go. I don't know if we've ever talked about it, I remember seeing you introduce a screening of Sharda, was it? The Douglas Adams one at the BFI. Oh, here we go. And I was very thrilled to see you present it. You were in the audience? I was in the audience, yeah, yeah.

Well, thanks for saying hello, Steve. Well, you were whisked off straight away. You were hanging out with the BFI. You were hanging out with Dick Fiddy. I definitely stayed to watch. You were hanging out with Dick Fiddy? Fiddy was there. You did a bit of observational but

really specific, Doctor, that before they'd remade the footage with animation, it had been Tom Baker. Tom Baker in a pinstripe suit, telling the story. And you related that to the crowd and it absolutely walloped it. It was a

very 70s anecdote because... Walloped the crowd? What about this for very 70s anecdote. Wallop the girl! What about this for a 70s anecdote, Emily? They started making the show and then they had to stop making it because of industrial action at the BBC, which was quite a thing then. So it was never completed.

And so when I saw it on VHS, Tom Baker was telling us the bits that hadn't been shot and then showing us the bits that had oh the industrial action of the 70s but they've covered it up with that animation now yes that is correct i can't believe steve didn't say hello no but he thought you were you know i i respect i understand that i would have felt similarly i would have thought you're up there with the greats like Dick Fiddy. If you're going to mention Dick Fiddy, I've got to mention Justin Johnson, who is the other half of the double act that does all the Doctor Who stuff there.

And a very great man. What does he do then? What do they do, Dick Fiddy and Justin Johnson? They're at the BFI. They're professional film buffs. What is their job? I think Fiddy is the TV expert. Fiddy Cent, as we call him.

They're archivists, I think. And Justin is animation. That's his speciality. I don't know why we're plugging these two guys, but I certainly love JJ. JJ? What's the James Bond anniversary this week? I keep seeing James Bond features.

I think it's the 60th anniversary of the first film, I think. Oh, it's a film thing, not a book thing. No, no, yeah, I think it's... Do you know my mum used to work at Goldeneye as a cleaner for Ian Fleming? I did not know that. I spoke about it on here before. Did she speak well of him? I spoke about it on here before.

Did she speak well of him? I don't think he was... He was only there sort of half the year or something. Right. And then I think they had the run of the place. It was pretty special. Yeah. What's happening? Are we going into the...

Okay. Here we go. Oh, memories. Like the dustbin of my mind. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk. Now, Frank, we need to talk about Bacchanalia. I'd just like to leave it at Frank, we need to talk. Yes. You two. I haven't done any Bacchanalia for a long...

Shades of Bacchus. Frank, you need to explain what that is. Do you know that reference? Yes. It's a W.C. Fields film when a child... Oh, everyone will know it then. A child is dropping grapes through a hole onto W.C. Fields' head and he doesn't know where they're coming from

and he just says, Shades of Bacchus! Because Bacchus was the god of wine and so obviously associated often with grapes. And shortly afterwards, his wife, as well as the old bag wife, and she says, Harold, if you and your friend

wish to exchange ribald anecdotes, please take them outside. Oh, I love that woman. Well, that child could apply for the job that is being advertised. Bacchanalia is a new restaurant set to open this year in Mayfair, somewhat predictably Mayfair. And they've been advertising the position of grape feeder.

Someone designed to literally feed grapes to the wealthy, privileged diners. Yes. You say the wealthy, privileged diners. I read a preview of this restaurant. Of the Bacchanalia? By a sort of a restaurante writer person. And he said, and I quote, that Bacchanalia is

ushering in the era of the £300 launch. Wow, at last! At last, we don't have to wait any more for the £300 launch. I mean, I think, I also read, it was in, it said it's in a former Porsche showroom. Is it? And you think, cost of living, guys, read the room, guys. No, but the rich are always with us.

Well, this is true. But, I mean, the former Porsche show. Yes, they do. What about this? Another fact I read about it is the Midas bar. Is that in Bacchanalia? That's in Bacchanalia. It's made entirely of quartz.

Now, for me, if my memory of drinking in bars was what I really want is a soft play centre sort of set-up because I'm going to be falling and walking into things. Quartz is an unforgiving environment for a drunkard. Wowee. And the artwork is being designed by Damien Hirst. It's going to involve winged lovers embracing on a unicorn, which has a real sort of...

Mind where you're sitting. That's my advice. Well, it's rebranding. You see, the idea of the unicorn being sexy, is that OK to say that word? I think so. I think the Y makes it fine. I feel I've gone a bit hot.

Have you? Yeah. It's sexy. Oh, sexy. You said it before. You mentioned sexy. Have you? Yeah. Sexy. Oh, sexy. You said it before. You mentioned sexy. Did I? Yes.

Oh, yeah, sexy people wearing string vests, of course. So, but I feel it's been rebranded by one of my players. Do you remember? Bukayo Saka with the unicorn ring on the, do you remember the picture that went viral? Oh, yes. No. Oh, yeah. Oh, the swimming. No. Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Oh, the swimming. Yes, yes, I do remember that. I think it meant a unicorn... Oh, no, sorry. So I now associate the unicorn with hijinks in the pool and good clean fun. I don't see it as a sexy beast. I see the unicorn as, like, the rival to the dragon in the children's mythological creatures league table.

They are sort of, the unicorn is Liverpool to the dragon's mad city, is the way I see it. Yeah. What I would say about the Bacchanalia... The centaur is sort of relegation zone. Never really got into children's mythology. I can't... Have they made books about lovely, friendly centaurs?

The centaurs are in Harry Potter, but they're hostile, difficult, like this creature. Well, the centaur is, of course, Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe, which is... Is there a centaur in there? No, Mr Tumnus. He's sort of... He's not a...

He's a satyr. He's a satyr. Oh, he's a satyr. Yeah, he's not a centaur in the earth? Mr Tumnus. He's not a satyr. There's a satyr here. Oh, he's a satyr. Yeah, he's not a centaur. I'm liking this football analogy, though. We like the unicorn, but can they do it on a rainy day against centaurs? I mean, I have to say, I think Liverpool.

I'm not sure they're right. Slightly out of date reference. Journey to the centaur of the earth, of course, they're featuring. Very fine. Centaur forwards. They'd have, wouldn't they, of course, they're featuring. Very fine. Centaur forwards, they'd have, wouldn't they, if it was a league thing. What a long shirt they would wear. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So the job, anyway, we shouldn't get away from the job. There's been something, is it a real job or is it an advertiser? I don't think you can advertise a job that it doesn't exist. Can you legally? I was suspicious because when you click through the links, they're advertising for positions there and the grape feeder is not on their website. Maybe they filled a position.

It could be, but it also gave an email address, so maybe they're looking if you go the extra mile. I've got an idea. I don't like the sound of the extra mile, Steve. It concerns me, the extra mile. Yeah, okay. I've got an idea that you can't advertise a job that doesn't exist legally. Oh, is that right? Well, they've stipulated must have gorgeous hands and a basic grasp of Latin and Greek. Steve Paul is an educated man. I suspect there's some Latin and Greek lurking around in there. Probably. How are your hands?

I don't have the hands. I never had the Latin for the grape feeding. But I don't think the hands. I've picked up a bit from church after years what about when my dad said about someone she has small latin and less greek and then i later discovered that was a ben johnson i think ben johnson said it about shakespeare to show that he was self-educated everyone but um. How do you small Latin, less Greek? I got an A at Latin A level

and no Greek at all. Good A at Latin. But what about the no Greek at all? No Greek at all. That concerns me, frankly. So I'm out. But they've gone mainly Latin because they've gone

Bacchus. So Bacchus is the Roman name for Dionysus. And Dionysus doesn't very wellus, it doesn't vary well. The name doesn't work so well with a party description as Bacchanalia. Dionysus and an alien, I mean, you're going to be there all night. I don't understand, like, I don't care what the hands of the person, I just care about the food.

I want them to be clean. I want them to be clean if they're feeding me grapes directly into my mouth i mean ancient rome i think we can fairly say was a pre-covid day but i don't want someone who looks anyway anywhere near grobby feeding me i mean one thing they say is that you get regular manicures if you get the job so they're not peeling it sounds like they're not peeling them oh yeah no it used to be peel me a grape that was the idea

of the ultimate luxury that someone would peel have you ever peeled a grape and have you ever done that pardon have you ever peeled a grape for someone else

or for myself yes I've peeled a grape I used to when I was younger and I would occasionally say to my parents I'm going to we would play restaurant

me and my sister yeah and we would that was our delicacy that we would present them with. You would peel the grape and then cut it. I mean, it's a tricky, it sounds like a posh Stu Francis. Oh, I could peel a grape. Yeah. It's a nice, I like a peeled grape.

I like the, it's a different... The moisture on the outside. I like that. Do you? It's one of those things I don't like it enough to go to the trouble to do it. I'll tell you what I feel. A bit like a hot water bottle. Yes.

I've got one, but I just think, oh, I'll be cold. I'll just be cold. The grape feels very vulnerable and exposed. Once it's been... Without its coat. Yes. And even to eat it, you've got to sort of create...

If you're being fed it, it's a similar position to when you're at the dentist. I find that very vulnerable. Yes. I wonder if the grape handler will wear an enormous light in the middle of their floor. I mean, it's a classic, isn't it, sort of idea of luxury, someone dangling grapes over your head like that.

But... I don't want them. I don't want anyone dangling their... Their grapes in your face. ...crimson thing. No, no, exactly. I don't want their crimson thing. I used to get my runner to wash my grapes.

No, pause the sound man. I think he misunderstood me. No, for hygiene reasons. I'll explain. I'll explain after this. But there is a strange silvery grey dust that sits on grapes that basically look to me like the remnants of insecticide. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I wanted to ask you, Emily, with regard to Bacchanalia. I'd never heard of this restaurateur, Richard Kering. Oh, I had. Who set up Bacchania, and I was wondering, it felt like it could be circles that you'd moved in, because I'd never heard of him, and it turns out that he's obviously... What I would say, Steve, and I know you do the show now and again, but there is a maxim, there has long been a maxim on this show,

that billionaires are a bit strange. So I don't think that it's necessarily the root of all evil, money, but it is the root of something a bit odd. Usually starts with the hair and keeps going down. But maybe you can't be a billionaire without it having a sort of strange effect on you. I'm still processing money as the root of something a bit off because it might be

the greatest thing I've ever heard oh thank you so much he's a fascinating knowing that he's very rich he's a fascinating just looking at photographs of his face

it's fascinating the wealth exudes but it sort of comes across he looks like a kind of a startled David Dickinson

or an Italian Lionel Blair he's got that kind of he's got that Lionel flair. Spoken like a man who knows he'll never be invited to this restaurant. He's got nothing to lose.

Notice I'm saying nothing. The only way I'd ever go to that restaurant is if I suddenly developed prettier hands and got the job. I think I'd feel a bit uneasy if I got invited there, that he might be going to bring the lions out at half-time to pursue me.

Eggs in a pull-up bar. Exactly. I just... I think my concern about this restaurant is... My concern would be a great name for a double-A, wouldn't it? My concern is when they referenced, they said we promise an experience of

exuberant revelry. Now, I don't know about you, but I've not had the greatest experiences with exuberant revelers. They don't strike me as particularly well-versed in your antiquities. Perhaps someone's going to fade you revelers. No. They don't strike me as particularly well-versed in your antiquities.

Perhaps someone's going to feed you revels. I just worry about the grape feeders. Are creeps going to apply for this job? Do you know what I mean? I want to see them

washing their hands at the table before they feed me a grape as well. The whole thing has a vibe of kind of the Groucho Club in the 90s, the ideas that they've got. We'll have a grape feeder. We'll get a unicorn.

It's got that kind of late night, 2am Groucho Club vibe to it. People still like... People like a post-dining anecdote, don't they? Yes. And so we went to this place, they fed us grapes, and then we went in this bar, it was just quarts. No pints, no, only quarts. I think people do like that.

I went to the Fat Dock and came back on the radio show and spoke about at length how there's a water sommelier and all that sort of stuff. Going to the Fat Dock's like going to the theatre. Yes. So I think this will be a bit like that. It'll be like you're in Pompeii for a couple of hours. Are you suggesting it's an upmarket rainforest cafe?

Yes. As they call it now, Frank. They've rebranded. Yes, As they call it now, Frank. Yeah. They've rebranded. Yes, it's Jungle Cave now. How long before this is Nero's Cave? Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So we were talking about Bacchanalia.

You were. You were. You're always talking about Bacchanalia when we're not on air non-stop party life meanwhile let's get on with the show is the Fat Duck is that the most decadent

restaurant you've been to I wouldn't say it was decadent I'd say it was it's like everyone every meal is delivered with a ta-da it's like that

you feel like everything should come from under a cloche I went there someone gifted it to me and my wife after some work it's like that you feel like everything should come from under a cloche I went there someone gifted it to me and my wife after some work

I'd done for them and that's a nice gift I was roundly condemned by Michael McIntyre when I told him as a thank you

to my tour manager I'd bought him the taster menu and put him in a hotel outside but just him not a plus one so he had to go to the restaurant on his own

that is quite depressing didn't really occur to me there's anything wrong with that and then Michael reprimanded me for my insensitivity we spent the whole time we were eating there terrified I think we must have asked five times this is definitely all paid for and in their main sensitivity. We spent the whole time we were eating there terrified. I think we must have asked five times,

this is definitely all paid for. If we get some drinks, is that covered as well? But there's a meal they do where it's like the Mad Hatter's Tea Party is the theme. And they introduce it, but they say, now, do you know what time it is? And then they kind of go, no, it's tea time. And we didn't understand that was what they were trying to do and my wife was looking at what's going it's it's half seven and he's going no no

but do you know what time it is i say see i would think then they're going to bring out a selection of time for you to choose for some herbal dish i want scott my parents took me and my sister as a birthday present to have tea with Edward Lear. And it was lovely and you had afternoon tea and cucumber sandwiches. But then my parents started talking to this man who was an actor.

Did you dine on mints and slices of quince? That was the idea behind it. But then he broke character because he started talking to my parents about rep and stuff and working with actors in RADA. It ruined the entire experience. Well, I must have told you when I went to a one-man show about Hans Christian Andersen in Edinburgh

and the bloke said, I decided to play Hans Christian Andersen when people often told me I look like him. And I thought, that is not true. He's never been on a bus where someone in front has nudged their mate and said, is that Hans Christian Andersen at the back? That just didn't happen.

Anyway, so yeah, I did get someone to wash my grapes because, you know, you get that silvery stuff on it. It looks a bit worrying. What is that stuff? Is it insecticide? That's what I thought. I found out later. Do you know that stuff, Steve?

I don't know what it is. You know how grapes have got, like, a sort of dust on them? Do you know how grapes have got a sort of dust on them? It's actually a thing that they produce to stop themselves from rotting and ward. So it's actually really good stuff. It keeps the grapes fresh and ours having it washed off. Who knew? Oh, they produce stuff to stop themselves rotting.

I like grapes for that. I know, and to keep insects off and stuff. It's like a little silver bolero coat they put on. Yeah, they're very self-contained ropes. Survivors, I say. I've always thought that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

Kay Rumbler has been in touch. Huh? Hi, Frank and Co. A young shop assistant in Superdrug a few years ago, I asked if they had any Q-tips. She said, I'll ask. Just a minute. I heard from the other side of the aisle,

a woman is asking for Q-tips. What are they? Assistant. Oh, it's cotton buds, I think. They used to call them Q-tips in the olden days. That's not true, though. Isn't Q-tips an American-ism? An American-ism. I think

you're right. But I can, I really feel very seen with that anecdote, because I'm frequently going into shops. And again, the quality of the voiceover, you inhabited them. I was in a shop once. I commend you.

And a woman came in and said, do you have any Christmas cards with a religious picture on the front? And the girl behind the counter said, no, no, we don't have any of them. She said, okay, and she went. And this girl said to the whole shop, there was probably ten of us in the shop, she said, after the woman had walked out, she went, some funnier people about, aren't there? What is Christmas?

It's a reasonable theme for a card. Oh, man. We've had a response to, we were seeking the definition of fishwife. Oh, yes. And 249 has got in touch to define it for us. Is it a fishwife or fishlass? Well, often the wives and daughters of fishermen,

fishwives were notoriously loud and foul-mouthed, as noted in the expression, to swear like a fishwife. One reason for their outspokenness is that their wares were highly perishable and so lost value if not sold quickly. Oh, I see. So they were under... I think under pressure is about fish wives.

It's like marketing stress. It's either that or 749 says the fish wife, it's that bloke from Merillion's Mrs. Oh, yeah. 749. It could be someone who's actually married to a woman who was fish-like. Yes. Like short-term memory loss.

Dream partner for a lot of blokes. Or it could be a mermaid, couldn't it? Yeah. Have you met my fish wife? And there she is, in a small tank, obviously. Yeah. A la Splash. 002.

Mm. My lovely partner... Is he licensed to kill or just rough him up a bit? No, he hasn't got his license yet. Oh, I see. My... five to go. My lovely partner, Anna, turned on your show whilst I was sleeping. Oh.

Take that how you will. Yes. So I had a dream about you incorrectly signing the Three Lions CD because Frank was referring to this. How many did you sign? 5,000 this week. 5,000, yeah. He always keeps it biblical, doesn't

he? Five of the 5,000 are Frank Strictly. Yes. Yes. I did 5,000 slaves franc strictly. Yes. Yes. I did 5,000 slaves and two fishwives. Very briefly, 002 continues, in my dream you gave me a copy of said CD. When I excitedly went to play it on a DVD player in front of my whole family.

DVD player in front of my whole family. DVD player? Wake up now. Just wake up now. Yeah, what happened? I don't know. Do you think it's okay to continue? I think it's okay. I think it's okay.

I'm worried now. It was a movie for adults. Oh, it was a movie for adults. But with three lions playing over the soundtrack, now I see that tackled by more. It was a grown- adults. Oh, it was a movie for... But with three lions playing over the soundtrack. Now I see that tackled by more. It was a grown-up. Oh, please. Oh, Steve.

Well, the problem with that is there was no vinyl in the sleeves because the vinyl's still in Germany being pressed, apparently. That's what Bacchanalia told me when I asked for a glass of wine. Anyway, we've got no wine, but we've got some pre-wine. Gordon! And then over comes the grape dangler, as he's known. I don't like the grape dangler.

Anyway, what do you do for a living? Oil! So listen, Steve, it's always good to see you cheers and thanks for listening if the good Lord spares us

and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out