The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Vindicated

Episode Date: November 13, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had his eyes tested and he has a question about Greggs’ logo. The team also discuss the John Lewis advert, pigeons and what Les Dennis should call his Edinburgh show.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show on our own personal website address, frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We love it when you contact us because otherwise we just, we become just transmitters and we want to be receivers as well. That's important in life, anyone who's listening. You know, occasionally there's a story on the news which everyone seems really excited and up about. Do you ever get this and you think, why do people care about that?

Is it just me? But who gives a scooby about Britney Spears conservatorship oh I do do you? why? it's a long complicated thing and she does she does I don't mind her but there's people on the street

with justice for Britney signs yeah I think those people were going to do some arts and crafts anyway. I often think they're just piggybacking on an issue. They were on their way to COP26 and then they thought, now you know what, there is more pressing issues than

that. I think it's complicated. I think it's to do with her father oppressing her and it's become a bit of a feminist. Oh yeah, just have a go at the fathers. He's had a lot to put up with that dad with the shaven heads and the outrageous outfits. Anyway.

I'm not across this news cycle of Britney's conservatorship that you're talking about. Don't bother with it. That's my advice. Also, I listened to a Rag and Bone Man album. Yes. Harold! Not all the way. Also, I listened to a Rag and Bone Man album. Yes. Harold! Not all the way.

Yeah, exactly. Not nearly enough bugle. I anticipated much more bugle. There was none. All the old traditional Rag and Bone Man instrumentation has been dropped. Okay, I was in Greggs. Oh, yes. I'm a human being.

I get peckish like everyone else. I've never been to a Greggs. What's it like? You can guess what it's like. It's people standing behind a counter in Greggs uniforms. Can we say we're not being paid by Greggs? No. Just for avoidance of doubt.

Awkward. Oh, you are? I am, yeah. I hope you're being paid by Greggs. No. Just for avoidance of doubt. Awkward. Oh, you are? I am, yeah. I hope you're being paid in kind. In sausage rolls. In mince pies, actually. They do very good mince pies. Do they really?

Yeah, I have one last week. I'm not going to pretend I'm a regular, but I was on the road and you've got to take what you can get. Tell me about it. This is a bit from Jack Kerouac's On The Road, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. When he starts off at a Gregg's.

Yeah, there is quite a lot of eating in Jack Kerouac's On The Road, I must say. Frank, carry on with Gregg's, but tell me briefly, are there stools? Can one eat in Gregg's? Do you have to always to-go with Gregg's? Have you seen that Renoir painting when it's a woman standing at the counter and there's like bottles of absinthe and stuff like that all around her

and she looks like she's bringing nutrition to the world take that image take the composition replace the alcohol with pastry and put someone with a baseball cap there and you've got Greg's. And I said to, there was two ladies working in there and I said, can I ask you a question? The Greg's badge that you've got on your hat and on your top, and I don't know if you're familiar with the Gregs badge, Emily. Thanks for that. OK. I believe I have seen the font.

Yeah, it's four yellow squares put together to look a bit like a window on a child's door in a house. And it suddenly occurred to me, seeing them in situ, I said, do they represent four steakbakes brought together to suggest abundance? You know, come to Gregg's and look at what's available. And neither of them knew the meaning of the Gregg's. People who put that badge on every day. Please tell me you didn't actually say this to these people.

No, I absolutely did say it. Oh, fine. And did they reply, next? No, no. I wondered if it was something like, you know, the window symbol is not a million miles away. And I wonder if it was the idea that we um you know we look through the window at the pastries in in um in admiration and longing what what was their response when you said

when you asked them about the origin story of the Greg's logo they started eventually they just started talking amongst themselves I'll be honest with you. But I genuinely wanted to know. I wasn't making fun of them. I really thought they'd know. If I put the same badge on every day, I think I'd ask. That's all I'm saying. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was just glancing at the emails

because I can now see them from my Manchester basement studio. And I thought that we would have lit up the switchboard with our discussion of Greg's and specifically the mince pies and the logo. But no, not lit up the switchboard with either logo of Greg's information. Or I just thought it would get some love that people would say yeah they do do good mince pies Alan well nobody knows maybe it means nothing maybe the designer employed by Greg's is some sort of absurdist artist who meaning of all kinds late Marcel you think they hired the late Marcel Duchamp? I hope it was something.

Someone's certainly one of his school. One of his lot. Al, if you can see the emails, you might have come across an email with a subject line I think will very much appeal to our esteemed leader. Do you know the one I'm talking about? I do, yeah. Is it called Frank Vindicated?

Oh, I like that. That is going to be my new stage name. I'd actually chosen not to read that one, Emily. Oh, I'd love to read out as Frank Vindicated. Mr Vindicated, your room is ready. Thank you very much. Go on, tell me more, tell me more. Was it love at first sight?

Did you get very far? Oh, I think that's all problematic. Did he have a car? I'm going to get your priorities right, dear. Did he have a car? Detective 242. Good afternoon, team. On Tuesday, Sarah Champion was running a round of tea break trivia and asked how the Manic Street Preachers got their name.

The answer was their lead singer started out singing political songs as a busker. Their lead singer started out singing political songs as a busker. Someone stopped and asked him if he was some kind of manic, comma, street preacher. This means that Frank's way of saying their name is correct. I don't know if the Correzione jingle can be applied to everyone else in the UK, so perhaps a smug laugh from Frank would suffice. Detective 242. Here he comes. Well, yeah, I thought it was possible

there could be a street called Manic Street in Cardiff or something, wherever they come from, and there could be people who preach there. But other than that, it can't be Manic Street preachers. It has to be manic street preachers well i think you put you say you put a comma in i i find no comma in that formula but um good that's great news i shall stick calling it that okay congratulations mr vindicated along with um it's it's up there along with David Bowie's Life on Mars.

You know, it's got a question mark on the end of Life on Mars. I know, but you sound so silly. Life on Mars. I'd like to,

I'd like to, I wish it had been called Life on Mars, comma, you say, question mark. Life on Mars, you say.

Well, I'll certainly check this out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had my eyes tested this week. That's the first eye test I've had for three years. Wow. And to my surprise, as people say

when they tell proper anecdotes after dinner speaking to my surprise like when they say i am reminded of the time um i hate i'm reminded of the time to my surprise um my eyesight has improved over that period. And I thought she was joking at first, the lady, and she said, no, no, we do get this occasionally with older people. God damn it. Oh, my. Lucky I wasn't there, Frank. No, exactly.

So, yeah, so I've, I mean, who expected that? Oh, I feel so proud of you. I wonder if mischievous boys have given me laser eye surgery while I've been sleeping on public transport. Oh, yeah. Is that possible? Yeah, that could have happened. So, it's a...

Or a gluteum. Kath makes me chase the red dot sometimes at home for a fitness thing. Just does that round there. I'm glad you gave us a definition. Isn't there quite a high amount of carrot in those smoothies that you've been drinking? Actually, there is a lot of secreted carrot in there. I'm still waiting for an explanation from that company as to why the title has no bearing on the contents.

We've had quite a number of people getting in touch about Greggs. Oh, about Greggs? Just so you know. Sorry, that was quite a switch from healthy fruit juice to Greggs. Wow, that was a handbrake turn of a subject change. Yeah, I like them. Tell me, tell me about... Have we sorted out the badge explanation?

Wow. Sorry, Al, were you about to say something? Well, I was just going to say, we've actually been sent a link to an article which claims that the sign just evolved and doesn't really mean anything. And even in the article, it says, disappointing, eh? Well, evolved from what?

One square became two. Well, Rara Ramsey disagrees. Rara Ramsey says a window, as in you can see, find one everywhere. Right. We've also had Anna Banana says a four pack of steak bakes. Neil Denham says... I said that. That was my question to them.

Does it represent steak bakes? Neil Denham says it's four steak slices, surely. And... Were you not listening? Another brick 116 says it means nothing. We've all Googled. OK. OK.

I love... I mean, the sum are brilliant about the Greg symbol meaning nothing. Isn't it? The Gregs of renounced meaning. That seems right to me. Sort of avant-garde approach to pastries. Wow.

Well, they've gone down, as you say, Frank, the surrealist route. I like that. Did they get a guy in or a woman in to say, can you design us a thing? And he'd say, yes, but my philosophy of life is there is no meaning. Are you all right with that? Oh, yeah, I'm fine with that. Some of the money in logos is really high, isn't it?

You know, when you read these articles and it says they paid one and a half million pounds for this logo. That's one of your obsessions, the logo prices. and again this is the recurrence i think it's white collar crime to be honest you're the only person i know who says honestly the price of logos these days yeah and it crops up every now and again the bbc renew their logo and it looks the same. And then someone says, and they've paid £800,000 for this, and it looks exactly... But at least it means something,

unlike the Greggs logo, which is just spitting in the face of narrative. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am gripped by a drum-a-thon. Alwain, who is the weatherman from BBC Breakfast, has done a 24-hour drum marathon, which is just finished. I actually sent money in this morning. I watched him. I was quite so moved we've been obsessed by Owen for many years now Frank discovered him I

like children in needs on fashionability as well because some some some charities are really cool yeah and that one it does tend to be like newscasters having their moment and stuff like that. And that's why it's better than the others. Okay. Yes, I know what you mean. I mean, don't get me wrong. Obviously, all charities have to...

Don't want to give too much of a glimpse behind the curtain, but when I do stand-up comedy on the night of Children in Need, I quite enjoy saying that I'm donating my fee to children in need, which almost always gets a mawkish round of applause from the crowd who love that sort of thing. And then I add, I mean, they're my children, but they are needy. So it's a nice little gag there.

A very cruel. Have you ever been to Ultimate Fitness, Al? I've never been to Ultimate Fitness. Are you aware of it? Is it a gym chain? It's a gym chain. Gymnasiums. I think it's a chain.

I just saw one the other day. Or I think they're called Big Box Gyms. What do you call them? Comic Box. Big Box Gyms. How did you get Comic? Comic box? Big box gyms. How did you get comic box for me? That's a funny one. I don't know. I don't like it though. The only times I've really

used gymnasiums is in hotels and even then I don't often. I prefer to do my exercise at home in solitude ideally but sometimes I can pal around. I have a slightly different to do my exercise at home in solitude ideally but sometimes I can pal around

I have a slightly different even more spartan approach of not doing any at all which I find makes me much happier were you in an ultimate fitness then? I've got to say I went past it

and I just thought how sick I'd be if I had a gym down the road called fitness. I've got to say, Frank, you do look good on it.

What's your, hey, Frank, what's your secret? You are svelte. My secret is not having a proper job. I found when I had

a proper job I looked terrible. Mind you, I was drinking about 14 pints a mile tonight. that probably added to that sorry if we don't want to glamorize 14 pints of mild here on absolute radio i think somebody opened the gym called fitness and then someone nearby opened one called even better fears and

then the this bloke thought i'm nipping this in the bod and ultimate fitness is there a sort of moderate fitness lurking around no one says no one says you know just get off a bit of extra white type gyms they all suggest some sort of superpower you're going to come away with that they aim too high and And also they tend to, there was LA, they like to invoke the glamour of Los Angeles. I just think ultimate is, it's a big word. Have you ever heard of ultimate frisbee? Yeah.

Ultimate frisbee. I was reading about this recently. The rules are mainly imposed by the competitors so if the referee says that's a foul often they say no i don't think it was a foul referees in frisbee yeah this is it's an olympic it's soon to be an olympic event no if they don't have a dog catching it in its mouth, I will feel very... Yeah, I think something like 2028, ultimate frisbee is an Olympic event. Wow. I mean, you can imagine I'm simulating the Olympic symbol with those.

You know those frisbees that are just like a circle? I'm looking forward to that on the BBC montage. What have you done today to make you feel proud? Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. montage what have you done today to make you feel proud frank skimmer absolute radio okay we were just talking about pigeons i know they get really bad press my my son likes pigeons and pigeons i don't think get the same sort of sympathy and admiration the birds generally get hmm I think birds people gonna like birds and associate them with nature that sort of delivered to your door yeah whereas pigeons as a producer Sarah was just saying are usually the

word vermin comes up once you mention pigeon you know the word the V word is just seconds away and let's be honest you know the V word is just seconds away. And let's be honest, you know, the squirrel, on the other hand, which, you know, gets about in a similar fashion and scavenges. It's a bit of a pest. People have a lot of love for the squirrel. They do, they love squirrels. Well, they like the grey ones, don't they? But they've got a bit of, like, about...

Oh, no, is it the other way round? Red they like and grey they don't they? But they've got a bit of, like, about, oh no, is it the other way around? Reds they like, and grey they don't. Yeah. Yeah. I think the pigeon is like, the pigeon is to the bird world what the potato is to the vegetable world.

Someone decided that the potato doesn't quite qualify anymore as a vegetable. Oh. So when you get your five a day, open brackets, not including potatoes, close brackets. They've been made of outsiders. They've been relegated. I have to say, I would hit my five a day far more regularly

if chips and potatoes were involved. Oh, man, wouldn't that? Well, that would be sad. What about if discos were included? Favourite crisps ever? Yeah, they've got it all wrong. They've picked the least nice things

to put in the essential stuff who made that decision I'm just you're they've picked the least nice things I know but it's madness isn't it

it is eat five of these a day yeah don't put not those though who picked those anyway yeah have we heard from that?

I'm going to play. I'm going to play. I'm going to play. I'm going to play. The outside world. The outside world. Oh, the outside world. We've had all sorts of correspondence, haven't we, Al?

Yes. Go on. Much. I'm sorry. I thought you were going to read something. I thought we were going to move on then. I was handing you the Greggs steak slice.

Well, there are many messages about Greggs, but I would also like to bring to your attention 705, who has texted the show, saying Manchester City Council famously paid a marketing agency to come up with a slogan for the city,

£250,000 later, and they came to the conclusion that Manchester had such a strong identity in itself, it didn't need a slogan and should just be called Manchester. Did they still get the money? They had nice work if you can get it, so I guess they did.

Wow. What a result. the money. They add nice work if you can get it, so I guess they did. Wow. What a result. Can you remember the kerfuffle about the 2012 Olympic logo? Yes! That's the potato of the logo. Potato, pigeon,

2012 Olympic. In a list of logos, that's the bad guy that no one else wants to talk to. Did it have a name, that logo? Was there a character? I think there might have been a name. I think it was... I'm sure our readers will know if there was one.

It looked like Ragamuffin, the Island of Ireland. It had that kind of feel to it. It was people, though. I tell you what it reminds me of. When you get a royal portrait painted that people think is a bit unflattering. You used to get that kind of rage.

That logo, I mean wowee, it wound people up. I miss it now. I can't get a t-shirt with that logo on it. I am. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show. Did we say on? There's still a missing word here. Email the show um did we say on there's still a missing there's a missing word here email

the show frank at absolute radio.co.uk email the show on yeah that's good and they have to be honest there's some there's some breaking news just come in from uh alex who has emailed the show, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I enjoyed your recent extensive chat about OGRC Nicholas Whitchell. That's the royal correspondent. Oh, yeah. My favourite Whitchell fact is that he has another area of niche expertise besides the royals. In 1974, he wrote the definitive book on the Loch Ness Monster.

Oh, yes. I always see a Nessie fan. He's a believer. You already knew it. He's a believer. Yeah. Well, he was then. What he likes is anyone who is used to having their grainy photos taken of them without their consent.

Yeah, I suppose that is true. I met, if you remember, I was on the side of Loch Ness and there's a man who lives there constantly. And he has seen the monster, I think he said, once. I don't mean my temper, I mean the thing that lives in there. And that's what we call it in our house. And he'd seen it once, like about three weeks in. And he'd been there like 18 years and hadn't seen it since. Oh, really?

I'm not, I kind of put myself out there. I'm not totally certain it exists but i don't argue with which one whoa breaking news on absolutely i know exactly i'd be the thing i'd i'd love that as a news story if they had absolutely hard and if you're absolutely irrefutable what is it what did they what is this neil apparently sorry well i I used to read a thing called The Phantom when I was a kid. It was a comic strip which appeared in the Birmingham Evening Mail. I don't think I used to see that one. And The Phantom, the ghost who walks.

And the reason that the locals in the jungle thought that Theantom was a ghost was that he'd been around for about 200 years. But what it really was, was father handed down to son the outfit. And because it was masked, no one knew. And I think the theory is that that's what happens with the Loch Ness Monster. It's a family. It's a dynasty. Oh, okay. A dynasty of eels. that's what happens with the Loch Ness Monster. It's a family. It's a dynasty. Oh.

There you go. A dynasty of eels. I once heard a Radio 4 debate about the Loch Ness Monster, and a bloke had written a book that talks about the eel thing and all that, and a bloke had written a book saying it was a ghost. And I thought, we're already on very thin ice here, mate. Don't just completely tear the whole thing down. Anyway, yes, Whitchell is, I forgot that, was a Ness.

I wonder if he's still a Ness believer. Yeah, that'd be good to know, wouldn't it? He's got that to fall back on when the royal family absolutely veto him from any coverage. What was his initials, by the way, did you say? O.G.? O.G.R.C., sir. R.C., I know, stands for Royal Correspondent.

OK. I think I playfully suggested last week Roman Catholic. What's O.G.? Well, Emily. Alan. What's this, tennis? Radio tennis? Some people think of it as original

and some people think original gangster, don't they? I say original gangster. Oh, it's that. The OG. Okay. Okay. Original gangster or correspondent. That's what he is, Al. Okay. It's quite a big business card that he's got. Okay. Okay. Original gangster royal correspondent. That's what he is, Al.

Okay. It's quite a big business card that he's got. Roger, how would you know? Yeah, and I hope at the top of Nicholas Whittle's business card is like serrated to suggest those things on the back of the monster. I don't know what the technical term is, but I think triceratops have them. Those sort of up-and-downy little fins that they have.

Oh, yes, they'll have that. A green business card from Whitchell. You mark my words. Or does he... You know those air fresheners in the shape of a crown? Have you seen those in cars? How many of them does he get bought at Christmas? He must be furious.

Oh, not another one of them. Can't breathe in the house. We've been talking off-air about Rick Stein, and I'm worried that I've committed a big mo. OK, why was that? Because you said he lived in Padstow. No, because I do this every time we speak. I say, do you know who he's related to?

Who is he the uncle of? He's the uncle of George Jules. Isn't that brilliant? See, I love that fact, but then I think, is it big mo? Does everyone else just know that? I didn't know that oh great i love i just like thinking those guys know those djs it it almost seems like that was a dream i had there was a time when the djs were like the biggest things in entertainment and now that

seems unimaginable now i'm sure they're all doing well, but there was a golden age of DJs. Yeah. Which now I can't believe that happened. People were playing records on stage. Anyway, good luck to them. Always with a satin bomber jacket as well. Oh, I hope so. Now that's people used at Elvis conventions.

The old DJ, they loved to follow the bear. Satin bomber jacket. Yeah, I can't imagine a fat boy slimming a satin bomber jacket. He was very much an aloha shirt, wasn't he? To be honest with you, I can't quite picture Judge Jules. What would his look have been? He was very... Leather jacket without a collar.

You've nailed it, Frank. Oh, without a collar. You've nailed it, Frank. Oh, OK, good. You've nailed it. Aviator specs. Well, you've earned it with specs. It was sounding so glamorous. OK, fair enough. Aviators, yeah, absolutely.

We're still on the outside world. Is this our hotels, or shall we speak of other things? Well, Al... As I believed... Was it the walrus who said that to the carpenter? It sounds like the walrus. That's very him. Roger Turner has been in touch

on the subject of inventive names for businesses, which we were discussing. Were we? Yeah. Well, I think what he means by that, because we were talking about logos, weren't we? You were talking about Manchester.'t we you were talking about Manchester I recall the competition

held by an insurance broker I worked for to rename the building we occupied all staff were asked to suggest names with a £100 prize for the best one the winner was Insurance House.

Oh, I like it. Playing safe there. Yeah. Well, I like that. OK. We're on that theme. Today's texting. What should be the title of Les Dennis'

autobiographical Edinburgh show next year? 8, 12,.15 anything else? Benedictus Viridian that sounds like a lovely friend for you Frank no I'm not sure it is oh is this a funny thing?

no I don't know but we'll see squirrels are just rats with good PR there you go my partner was attacked by a squirrel No, I don't know, but we'll see. Squirrels are just rats with good PR. There you go. My partner was attacked by a squirrel. I remember. And had the scratches to prove it. Really?

And had to go and have a tetanus jab. You don't want to know what or why. That's one way to explain away scratches. No, but can you imagine saying, oh yes, of course frank's partner died she was killed by a squirrel um there are some deaths that undermine the whole gravity of being dead and you don't want one of those um yeah that's the sort of death you really got to be a character from the bino to sustain it but she was quite shaken up by it. I think it went round and round her leg.

This is the danger of leggings, ladies, if you're listening. There's a lot of exposed lower flesh there. And it went round in a sort of a reverse... What's those things you go on at the fair and... Like a helter-skelter. Helter-skelter. It was a sort of skelter-helter. It went upwards and

left a trail of scratches. So watch out for squirrels, guys. They're not quite the friendly people. Okay, they have a road safety aspect, but they also have a savagery we shouldn't ignore.

We shouldn't ignore. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have heard from our loyal readers, Sycamore Flint has got in touch. Sycamore Flint, that's a brilliant name, isn't it? It's very huckleberry Finn. Unfortunate slash undignified deaths by by wildlife which is something you were referring to earlier talking about uh squirrel tetanus squirrel tetanus i hear that the most common in africa is being kicked to death by ostriches oh dear i can see that i um i wrote a a half hour comedy about the fact that Johnny Cash

was attacked by his own ostrich. Can I say it's absolutely brilliant and you should, it's on, you can go and watch it on Now TV. Oh, thanks. It is. It's absolutely brilliant.

Have you fact checked that that's streamable or do you just know it? I know things. Is that just the thing? I think Sky are pretty full on with putting all their stuff on there forever, if you know what I mean.

I know. Listen, I'm very across where Frank Skinner's appearances are. Nevertheless. Back to Frank in the studio. I assumed that we would get a real ostrich and I would be in a field with it, but not too close. But it's in the same dangerous animals category as if I had a lion in a thing. it, but not too close. But it's in the same dangerous animals category

as if I had a lion in a thing. Oh, is it? Yeah, so... Did you film with an ostrich? No, they wouldn't let me. They said, you can have one in a field, but it'll have to be in a cage. And I said, that somewhat spoils it.

So in the end, we had to go down the popper tree. Did you go rod hole? We did. There was an element of Rod Hall. And the operator was the man who does BB-8 in Star Wars. So it was an interesting day. But your emu didn't have the... Ostrich.

Ostrich, I do apologise. Oh, I'm getting confused anyway. They're all flightless. Oh, no, it was ostrich. Was there a comedian with an ostrich ostrich I do apologise oh I'm getting confused anyway they're all flightless oh no it was ostrich was that wasn't was there a comedian with an ostrich

no there was Emu and there was some Orville Orville wasn't an ostrich was he didn't Bernie Clifton used to ride an ostrich that's right

yeah yeah one of those funny suits they are funny though how did he have a name they were funnier then because now like if there's a dressing

up day at Boz's school, there's ten kids arriving, a version of that. But at the time, it felt like he was absolutely trailblazing. What did, er, what was Bernie Clifton's, what did he call his ostrich? I don't think it was ever, I'm not sure it was ever named.

Don't know if he did a late show. It's a great text in that. What was the name of Bernie Clifton's ostrich? It's beaten me. I'm going to be straight with you. Completely beaten me. A man once called out at a gig I was doing once.

I think we talked about, I think the subject of plane crashes came up. And he said more people are kicked to death by donkeys in a year than dying in plane crashes. So it's a jungle out there. I suggest you be careful. That's all I'm saying. I think it's good that there's some health and safety comes out of the Absolute Radio broadcast as well as just fun, fun, fun. We've had some Clifton

news, have we? Yeah. We can exclusively reveal... Mm-hm. It's actually not exclusively. A number of our readers seem to know the answer to this. I posed the question... Yes.

What is the name of Bernie Clifton's ostrich? I think how I phrased it... Is it still the right way of putting it, or should one say was? Is it still around? That feels like that's your area. I think when Bernie goes, the ostrich goes. But, I mean, it's an existential question. It is, really, yeah.

I mean, who is, yeah. Where does Bernie begin and the ostrich end? I think how I put it was, did Bernie Clifton have a name for the ostrich end. I think how I put it was, did Bernie Clifton have a name for his ostrich? Okay. Yes. Which sounded you. And the news is...

We have the answer. People from... We've had Jason Griffith, Roy Rockcliffe... Are these guesses? Paul Alexander. I like the idea that it might have these guesses Paul Alexander I like the idea that it might have been

called Paul Alexander or Jason Griffiths unusual I didn't know Bernie was so left field with his naming well let's not go on to Miranda Dickinson

but it turns out his ostrich was called... Oswald. Oswald. Wasn't it killed by Jack Ruby? I don't know.

Is that a... Lee Harvey Oswald. Lee Harvey Oswald was killed by Jack Ruby. I just hope Oswald the ostrich was not named after Oswald Moseley. That would be awful. I hope it wasn't named after Lee Harvey Oswald the Ostrich was not named after Oswald Moseley, that would be awful to think about. Well, I hope it wasn't named after Lee Harvey Oswald. I mean, we need to come up with a nice person that it could have been named after.

OK. No, I can't think of any. Are there any nice Oswalds? Oswald Ardele's. What about... Oswald Ardele's is lovely, Al. Oswald Osborne. I think he's actually called John.

His real name. No, from now on, he will always be known to me I think he's actually called John. His real name. No, from now on, he will always be known to me as Oswald Osborne. And you know what? You can make that joke, Frank, because he's one of yours. Well, one of you, certainly. And I, of course, did the voice for both of his audio books. Did you?

I did. Was he born near you? He's Birmingham. That's you, isn't it? No, not really. I born near you? He's Birmingham. That's you, isn't it? No, not really. I'm black country, he's Birmingham. There's an enormous divide separates the two. But when we're out of town, we just pretend it's all one place. Otherwise you're just explaining the geography all the time.

Yeah. It's fine when you meet someone and they say, I come from, for example, Sheffield. And you say, oh, which part of Sheffield? They will then say, well, not actually Sheffield, I'm just outside. I think we all round it up to the nearest big conurbation. It just makes life a bit easier, simple as that.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know what we need to discuss? It's that time of year. The ad has dropped. The John Lewis ad.

You know, the Christmas ad they do every year. I need to discuss this with you two. It's called, they've given it, they give them titles now. They've called it Unexpected Guest. Like it's a sort of Fellini film it's really odd the way that when did that start I need to find my gardener he's very good on social trends just explain what you mean by that because I love that because he said to me that the having an idea of an outside office um in your garden um that whole craze kicked off in 2012 in a very specific um you said when did that start

and he said 2012 yeah there wasn't any sort of um ish about it so um this reminds me a bit of do you remember when i think it was thriller the video coming out. And it was sort of premiered on MTV. And it was like a big TV event was happening. And I think that was a kind of a first. I can't remember any other pop videos that got that kind of build up. Yes, you're right. And after that was the David Bowie, there was Blue Jean. But that was, you're absolutely right,

Thriller was the first one. Of course we didn't know then. So what about the John Lewis ad? I've seen it. We've seen it, have we? I've seen it. Yes. We should just explain that it's called Unexpected Guest,

but it's about an alien visit. And it is, Emily compared it to Fellini it is Emily compared it to Fellini's Emily compared it to Fellini's Eight and a Half. I would compare it to the film Alien. That bit where a fist punches through a stomach but it's holding a gift it's amazing that.

Yeah I missed that bit. I might have made it up. Your view that an alien lands on earth um i've read many many sci-fi books and watched many sci-fi films i would say don't take any driving lessons from an alien because so many alien craft crash it's unbelievable it's such a trope and this're so right. And this is another. They are the worst drivers. I don't know whether they're drinking. I mean, if I was in, do you think Elon Musk shouts at them,

when's your test, mate? Yeah, exactly. I hope so. What's this idiot doing? What are you waiting for, Christmas? That's what I say to this alien. So it's another crashed spaceship motif. And the interesting thing is you see it.

spaceship motif and the interesting thing is you see it is an E.T. type of theme in that it is a small boy befriends the alien who's crashed a lone alien I don't think we can be accused of spoilers here do you?

No, it's an advert let's not forget that what I would say is the boy's on the bus he's on a crowded bus, and he watches this enormous fireball come through the sky. It isn't picked up by Jodrell Bank, by Greenwich Observatory, or even the local police.

No one investigates, except for a local schoolboy. Everyone else thinks, oh, well, that'll just be fireworks. It isn't picked up by one other person on the bus. No, exactly. Everyone else engrossed. This is the problem with mobile phones.

Who knows how many alien crashes we are missing? Because we're looking at Doctor Who alerts. That'd be ironic, wouldn't it? Yeah, so, yeah, he spots it on his own. I think we'll continue after this because the story obviously expands into something that he'd be out of for. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show on frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. On, are we happy with that? Yeah, I like it. On. Yes, on is great.

I thought it was at. I know you did, but it's not. Yeah, but then you get at and then at comes along quite soon. On is great. I thought it was at. I know you did, but it's not. Yeah, but then you get at, and then at comes along quite soon. Too many at. Yeah, you don't want that. Spoil the... Too many at, says boy George.

Too many at, spoil the milliners. Yeah. Okay. But who wants to be a milliner? Oh, right. I need something for that. Some sort of music, something. It's so good. I need something for that. Some sort of music, something. It's so good.

Here we go. Are they, though? Mark Cottrell, can I just interrupt to say, has given us a lovely little review. He says, it's a review by stealth. It's praised by stealth. Frank's team of writers have done a tremendous job today. Well, it's a review by stealth. It's praised by stealth. Frank's team of writers have done a tremendous job today.

Well, that's good. I'll pass that on. Thank you. Meanwhile, over at John Lewis John Lewis Town Can I just also talk we're talking about the alien and the spaceship that rather

unsurprisingly crash landed. Yes. In their Christmas advert. In their Christmas advert, exactly, Al. Aliens, can we just maybe refresh your look a bit? I mean, enough with these silver polo necks and the bleached eyebrows. Yes.

Yeah, they need to go to John Lewis and get some clothes. Yeah, well, surely they've got contacts there now. Yeah, like get some winter knitwear, maybe a scarf. They love, I'll tell you what they love, Al. They love a sort of luge suit, don't they? Yeah. Love a bodysuit in a silver spandex. Yeah, she looks like she's about to go tobogganing.

Can I say for any younger people listening, in my reading of and around aliens, if you're thinking about approaching one in a clearing, they blow pretty hot and cold generally when first approached. I would say for every ET there is a half a dozen War of the Worlds take people to keep

and eat. So just check it out. I love that they're pretty hot and cold, like they need some kind of levelling out there. They store human beings to use as fuel in the air the war of the worlds uh yeah so mean they shouldn't have done that there's a lot of things they

shouldn't have done these alien cups pretty well of course with the germs and stuff on the earth that they'll be experiencing yeah i's like a silver luge suit. Yeah, I suppose that would help. There is a rather sweet moment where the alien eats a mince pie, including the tray. Do you remember that part? I do. Yeah, I thought perhaps she thought that she didn't have enough iron in her diet.

Aye. I have an issue with that moment. Yeah, did you? I'll tell you why, Al. Because they sort of react with horror. You know, everyone's horrified when she eats with the silver foil casing of the mince pie by mistake. She eats it in its entirety.

Now, I would have assumed as an alien, presumably the silver casing would be much more compatible for her dietary requirements. Your question, Frank Skinner, alien expert. Well, I assumed it was going to be a very dark and shocking ending to the advert when it turned out she had some sort of microwave head and placing the foil tray in there caused spark in an explosion and then she would die and then the police after dawdling

for two or three days arrive and assume that the boy has killed this person it didn't go that way and maybe that's the best, it's not very yaw I think we'd agree I have to say, I mean, it's a

very lovely advert in lots of ways, and it is about, you know, welcoming visitors. But they always leave the aliens, that's the problem. Yeah, they're fickle, the aliens, I think that's

fair to say. They're hot and cold. And things to do often with the aliens. The aliens, I think that's fair to say. They're hot and cold. They do. And things to do often with the aliens, missions and the like. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just share this with you? It might be one of my favourite texts we've ever had. Oh, gosh.

056, good morning, Frank and the team. This is Richard Oswald and his eight-year-old son, Max Oswald, on the way to football training. We both wanted to let you know that we are indeed very nice Oswalds. Oh, well, that's good. I just love Max. They do sound nice. Yeah, I'm catching feels for those two.

I wonder if he'll stand on a... I if he'll stand on a grassy knoll watching his son fly. Or from the local book depository. Let's hope not. Anyway, meanwhile, back to the aliens. Oh, yeah. The crash landing aliens. I mean, I don't want to revive a 45, as they used to say on... Right, remember they used to play...

When they played an old song, they used to say, I've got an old timer for you, or something like that, and then they would play an old thing. Oh, is that what they meant? Yeah, and I... The mince pies did make me think of one of my early pieces of stand-up material, which was an article in a local newspaper, the Smethwick Telephone. That was the name of the newspaper.

I once asked in a gig in the West Midlands why it was called the Smethwick Telephone, and the bloke said, because it was from Smethwick. Slightly missing the point, I felt. But anyway, there was the story in there about a woman from Rowley Regis, which was a local area, who said that aliens had landed in her garden and that she'd given them mince pies. That's why it made me think of this. And it was a disturbing story in lots of ways,

but she was very convinced it had occurred. And the story ended, and I still remember it verbatim, with the sentence, she watched as the alien craft rose into the morning sky and disappeared towards Dudley. And it did make me, it made me think of that, I must say. I'll tell you what was, I thought, a thing, is that at the end, and as you say,

I don't think you can do spoilers on an advert. No, we're allowed to say what happens. They kiss. Well, they do a cheek kiss, don't they? A zilog or whatever the aliens are called does it have a name? I've called it xylog

because that's what aliens that sounds quite Doctor Who I don't know I'm happy with xylog I just made it up it's that easy to come up with a sci-fi she leads she leads the kiss. Yes.

Now, that suggests either that kissing is a universal symbol of affection or that it's some instinctive thing. And it did make me think, where did it all come from? I don't suppose anyone could possibly know this. Well, I got worried. Where did kissing come from? 8,'t suppose anyone could possibly know this. Well I got worried. Where did kissing come from? 8, 12, 15. It's a good texting. I was worried

when seeing that because you do get a bit angry about interspecies relationships in adverts. He hated Churchill. I want to set him off, alien and human. That was Churchill and who was the... Melanie Sykes.

Yeah, Melanie Sykes and Churchill. And she could have done a lot better. Some sort of lurid continental weekend away. Didn't like that. And the alien they've used together in Electric Dreams. Because they always have... It's always a slowed down version, let's be honest. Yeah.

It's a lovely song. Do you like it? Great song. I like it. Yeah. Love it. Okay. It's a beautiful advert.

Well done. I'm surprised they didn't involve a bit of mistletoe in the kissing thing. I thought that was... No. It is a good advert, but is there enough advertising in it? Well, I think now the John Lewis thing is such a convention that you don't really need to say John Lewis hardly at all

for the end. Now you call it unexpected guest. They're giving it names and all. Do you think the crew referred to it as guest? Oh, I hope not. Yeah, I'm shooting a guest at the moment. I'm doing on. Working on on this weekend. The UG. Yeah, they should have had mistletoe, though, for the kiss.

I thought that was a... No, that's Cliffs of Manor. No one else can touch the mistletoe. That's Cliffs. Oh, yeah. OK. I think it's gone now, the mistletoe, hasn't it? It's Cliffs.

I don't think it's any longer acceptable as a convention. Oh, is it not? I think mistletoe... Two absentees from Christmas for political reasons. Oh, aliens don't care about that. Mistletoe and Twister. Forget about it. I mean, that's just a court case waiting to happen, both of those.

Gone. Dorian Evans has got in touch. Sorry, I'll just say Dorian Evans has got in touch. Sorry, I'll just say Dorian Evans has got in touch, Frank, to say who knew that Frank on the radio would be the voice of reason for alien encounters? Well, don't just approach them. He's steeped in sci-fi, aren't you? That's what's helped.

Is Michael, who's the new Doctor Who? Michael Sheen, I've heard. A word on the street. I've heard everybody that worked on It's a Sin. Oh, Ollie. Is that right? Just everybody. That's what they do.

They basically look at people the showrunner has worked with in the last 12 months or so and say that'll be the next Doctor Who. Oh, really? They did say that about Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant, who'd worked with RTD recently, and they both got it, of course. Anyway, let's not get too technical. We'll get Bob Down.

Bob Down wouldn't be any good. I think Bob Down, we don't want a musical version of Doctor Who. Oh, Doctor Who on safari. He loves a safari suit. He does. Over to our Manchester correspondent, Alan Cochran. Well, Frank Skinner, when we were discussing the John Lewis advert, was perplexed

that the alien knew about kissing. He mooted a text in, where does kissing come from? And we've had an answer from 822. That's an answer? Okay. Dear esteemed team, long caps, long time listener,

first time texter, kissing comes from prehistoric times where in true animal style males licked females' saliva to taste pheromones and decipher whether said female was in season. And that's Amy the vet who knows about these sorts of things.

Oh, that's interesting. I'm assuming she means a veterinarian. Someone needs to tell dogs that they've got the method slightly back to front. Can I ask a question? Does Poppy ever show amorous intentions towards other dogs? Not. Poppy's my dog, by the way. Well, it's actually my son's dog, but it's our dog. No, I haven't noticed that.

No, Ray neither. She's a fabulous dribbler with other dogs in that she teases big, dangerous dogs and then does these brilliant sidesteps and stuff that sends them... It's really impressive I mean it's based on terror but really, real full

blast running and then stopping and the dog like thundering past it's great. She's not the first fabulous dribbler that's been mentioned on the show today, we've already done Ozzy Ardee Oh wow, lovely That is true That is true That is true

And also that bloke after the saliva of course That caveman, that unnamed caveman And we've heard from one of my favourites Simon of Oh um Sudbury of course

He now calls himself Simon of S. Okay. And I love that. He just points out, is it just Earth that's suitable for crash landings? Just a little throwback there to the aliens. You know, considering the number of aliens that crash on Earth, are there millions of spacecraft constantly flying around out there, crashing on every planet?

Well, there's a fair amount of ones that have left Earth that crash on alien planets. It's just a hazardous business. I don't know if planets suddenly loom into view out of nowhere, like they're coming round a blind corner, but landing on them seems like an absolute

nightmare. Maybe to adopt Smidsey, as I was taught once at the driving sorry mate, I didn't see you there. Oh yeah, that'd be a good thing to say to an alien planet. We've just had one more text that I would like to bring to your attention. Ree, the kissing in the advert. 317, amongst a few others, has said, Hi, gang.

In the advert, the alien and the boy are seen watching a film on the boy's mobile where the actors kiss, and that's why the alien knows how to kiss. Oh, I miss that bit. I miss that. This says something about youth, that you meet someone from another planet and you watch a film together.

There's quite a lot to talk about, isn't there? No. Oh, I'm bored now. Let's watch a film. Let's watch some cats fall off a skateboard on YouTube or something. Do you know what the film was? Did either of you guys notice? I didn't notice it at the time.

I thought it would be a traditional Christmas. Oh, it'll be one of the Christmas films. Mary, don't you know me, Mary? I thought it'd be one of those. That used to be. Now it's been overtaken by Elf. Has Elf really taken over from It's a Wonderful Life? Oh, 100.

Wow. It's all changed now. My, my. Have we shared this? 406, who's got a suggestion for the Les Dennis autobiographical Edinburgh show? Go on. Les is more.

Oh, I like it. Do you? Yeah. I do as well, actually. I think we should forward these to the man himself. He's always on the go, LD. Yeah, I mean, how do they tend to go down when you, because you often offer advice

to people, don't you? Yes. Rarely goes down well. Almost never. Okay. I mean, probably top of the showbiz tree for offering advice because you're Andrew Lloyd Webber. You don't really get much higher in the musical theatre. Do you want to remind

readers of what you actually did, in case anyone doesn't know, Frank? I suggested that the sound of music, the curtain calls were rather badly organised and that he should rethink about where the music stops and where the curtains stop. And you said this to him after a

performance? Yes, I said, I was the opening night, I said, I've just got one piece of advice and he said, oh please the opening night. I said, I've just got one piece of advice. And he said, oh, please don't. And I told him, but if you recall, if you recall, we had a text or email from someone about it a couple of years ago who'd been in that production. And they said the next day he did change the curtain call.

So I think he resented the advice and then took it. Yeah. Much like a lot of advice that is offered in the world. Exactly. Yeah. I was invited to Cinderella's opening night so I don't think he's I don't think he's buried.

That's a euphemism. 249 Maybe he was hoping for some notes after it. Yeah, exactly. He likes the notes secretly. Yeah. 249 has got in touch as well. We didn't share this one, the other Les Dennis one, Al. I don't believe we have.

Higher gang, Les Dennis could call his book... Not book. Oh, well, I think he means Edinburgh Show. Our Survey Said. That's from James Sheffield oh yeah he said the survey said

I corrected it yeah he said book he said the survey I mean don't send us a first draft you know workshop it a little bit for goodness sake

this is your big public forum you can get discovered Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio forum you can get discovered we've had another Les Dennis show name suggestion

re the Les Dennis show name I don't really know oh yeah I like that how do you

you did the voice how are you going to put that on a poster that's a good point I don't how are you going to put that on a poster? That's a good point. I don't. How are you going to put it on a poster?

I don't really know. A reader. Other readers may not be such natural performers as I put that in. Exactly. I don't really know, though. That sounds more like a book than an Edinburgh show to me. Do you think so? Yeah, I think so. I'll tell you what I think it sounds like.

The final line of a poignant drama. Oh, yeah. I don't really know. What are you going to do now, Les? I don't really know. Yeah. The master builder is dead. What are we going to do now?

I don't really know. Ibsen there, if it was set in... Ibsen. Yeah. Master Builder is Dead is a line from The Master Builder, quite surprisingly. Well, they could have changed, frankly, my deal. I don't give a damn, because I believe Scarlet or Horace says,

but Rhett, where will I go? What will I do? Imagine if how Rhett replied was, I don't really know. That would have slightly spoiled it. You'd have to go to Rosamond Street. I think that's the next port of call. I'd have to go to the cabin. Ultra Magnus, who's one of our regulars. Yes. Who we met the other week, actually, was outside the studio.

Wasn't he charming? And he was with his... With his wife. Yeah, wife. I think it was a birthday. Who was lovely. Yes. Lovely people.

Thanks, said birthday, especially for you. Especially for you. I didn't say that. Al, did he say that? He did. Yeah. Thank you. Ultra Magnus says,

while I hope it doesn't reflect the whole show, I hope there's at least one section in Les Dennis' Edinburgh show titled Les Miserables. Oh, about some of the sort of sad, the down moments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want one of those Edinburgh shows that's got sad bits in it because it's easier to write than comedy. I don't mind those.

Let's fight that. Yeah. And just to hark back to a previous subject, 832 has texted, I messaged Greggs on Facebook earlier about the logo. Wow. And this is their reply. Go to the source.

We've got some answers. Yeah. Hi, Lynn. The four yellow squares on our logo represent the ovens we use in our shops. Shut up. And I thought that was going to be some kind of half-baked answer. Aye. Wow.

So does that mean they've got four ovens in every shop? Seems that way, doesn't it? Well, I hope so. Otherwise it makes no sense. Take two ovens into the shop, not me. Yeah. Four. Four ovens on the go at Greg's.

Oh. Fantastic. Isn't that great? The heat that must generate. Well, if you can't stand it... Yeah, get out of Greggs. That's what I say. I've never gone in.

Glenn has suggested for Les Dennis' show, Holding Back the Tears. Oh, nice. Good. If you know, you know. Nice. There'll be a section called, Holding Years.

Ooh, ooh. Don't let me Anyway That's it That's it That's it That was I'm going to tell this really quickly There was two men

Who were theatrical type men Who invited Bette Davis to their house when they were doing a play with her. This is in West End. And she actually went. They couldn't believe that she'd turned up. Wow. And then she invited them to a hotel

and they were beside themselves. And at the end of the hotel, she said, OK, I've been to your place, you've been to mine. Now that's it. Which, fabulous, I'm spoiling a beautiful thing. Thank you for listening to us. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.